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Just can't accept trips away with the lads!

(131 Posts)
Damnhot72 Sat 08-Feb-14 10:34:50

I know some women don't mind their partner going away regularly with the lads, but I just don't like it, I've tried to question myself go over it in my head but it never has been something that sat comfortable with me.

I've been with my bf for over a year now, and this is the main problem for me, we don't live together so don't see a lot of each other though I'm fine with that. But there just seems to be a lads trip away every 3 months or so, a few in this country somewhere, others are abroad. They're all in their 40's now so not young lads and it's all about drinking copious amounts of alcohol and watching football and were as my bf may not be unfaithful as far as I know, I know others are womanisers and heard various stories of women joining them having a laugh etc. although I trust him there is always that doubt in my head. In the past I've been cheated on by bfs going away to Blackpool etc. I know that's the past but I don't know I'm just finding it hard. Don't forget on top of this there is other nights out with the lads which I don't mind so much I do understand they need this time etc as do I but I can not afford to go away like he does if I do it's to see an old school friend, nor do I really have that craving to want to go away like he does. I'm just wanting people's opinions really would you accept this, is it just the norm ? What would you do about it, sometimes I just wonder if it would be best to just end it let him do what he wants I don't want to turn into the nagging girlfriend or have to put up with all the stress I feel when he does go away.

Casmama Sat 08-Feb-14 10:40:35

He is an adult and entitled to make his own decisions, as are you.
His decisions are around whether to go away with the lads knowing how you feel about it and your decision is whether or not to continue in the relationship.
Do you see yourself living with him at any point? If you don't see that you will become a higher priority to him in future then I would end it.

Damnhot72 Sat 08-Feb-14 11:18:55

I think it would just make me miserable in the end, it will make me miserable to end it though as it's been a good relationship but years of this will just grind me down. I guess I will get over it though it just seemsi with relationships , different guy different shit and I've just had enough of them feeling sad :-(

AnswersThroughHaiku Sat 08-Feb-14 11:57:20

Far too controlling,
Would you accept same from him?
If not, have a think.

Damnhot72 Sat 08-Feb-14 12:11:13

No I'm certainly not controlling that exactly why I would leave him. I haven't got a controlling bone in my body not once have I said you can't go, I just can't help how I feel not his fault MINE like someone else doesn't like porn, I don't mind like someone else don't like their partner going out to a lap dance club I don't mind. I just don't like his weekends or weeks away with other womanisers, if I was controlling I would be telling him what he could or could not do. I don't EVER we both have our own lives and believe me I know what controlling is I have been in many controlling relationships which involved telling me what I could or could not wear, when I could go shopping on my own. So let's be clear not controlling just can't accept something in a relationship. Which will make us both miserable .

maleview70 Sat 08-Feb-14 12:36:43

Then you need to leave him. You can't stop him and your jealousy is going to eat away at you.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 12:52:27

You need to stop picking immature misogynist wankers to be in a relationship with tbh.

DarlingGrace Sat 08-Feb-14 12:54:47

Certainly I've never stopped DH going away on his golf holidays. I quite enjoy my time alone. I go away if I want to.

When we were first married, I was taken aside by some of his friends wives and told I was letting the side down, that I gave him too much freedom, that their husbands would be expecting the same! All very controlling.

If you haven't got trust then you haven't got a relationship. So it's pointless being with him.

starfishmummy Sat 08-Feb-14 12:58:01

You don't live together; you see him as a "partner" but I am not sure that is how he sees you.

BigPawsBrown Sat 08-Feb-14 13:00:40

If you have doubt you don't trust him.

Backinthering Sat 08-Feb-14 13:10:59

I wouldn't like this at all either, but he sounds unlikely to change. Best pick someone you are more compatible with.

susiedaisy Sat 08-Feb-14 13:16:12

He's in his forties and not living with you. He gets the best of both worlds. Think you might be fighting a losing battle to try to change him!

Damnhot72 Sat 08-Feb-14 13:29:49

Yeh I agree I've had it with trying to change men, you can't. I have met some these lads he goes away with and SOME are just so immature and egotistical and just think the world owes them something, some however are married with kids. It just doesn't help when u see the company they keep and know that they use the time to be unfaithful.

If it was for a occasional stag night or a big birthday or something you know an occasional going away event I could live with it but just willy nilly I just can't he likes it I don't simple really. It won't leave my mind, surely there's some grown up men about . Nights out yes, weekend playing golf yes, meet the lads in the pub for footy and a drink or 2 but weekends away with womanisers I can't deal with..... :-( thanks for your thoughts guys x

ALittleStranger Sat 08-Feb-14 13:34:39

You're being unreasonable.

Either you have cause not to trust him, in which case why are you with him? Or you don't, in which case it's not fair to take out your issues on someone else's social life. You've been together a year, you don't live together, he's not your partner and yet you want to control him?

rainbowsmiles Sat 08-Feb-14 13:41:36

Wouldn't be for me. There is nothing wrong with having expectations of your relationship. It doesn't make you controlling to expect to be prioritised over his friends. Everyone is different as you say. I'd also be pissed off if my dh wanted to go to lap dancing clubs because it would say something about the type of character he is and I want to love and respect him and couldn't if he was into lap dancing clubs.

Similarly I find the whole lads culture a bit pathetic, like grown up men behaving like teens. So if he wanted to do that I wouldn't like him much.

Maybe you should be clear as to your expectations and not be afraid to say what you want. Equally if he says it's an important element to the essence of him then you know where you stand and go find a man who hasn't got stuck in his youth.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 13:43:06

Think this idea of "the lads" often goes hand in hand with shit misogynistic behaviour tbh. Yes the culture is pervasive and some people (men and women) get swept into it without thinking but if I were you I'd sack this one off and try to find someone who doesn't divide people by gender/hang out with misogynists who enjoy using women for thrills.

What you say about giving up trying to change men is incredibly strange. Why would you pick someone you don't like and try to make them different?! You're right you should give this up.

This behaviour is not male behaviour btw, you don't have to put up with it. Some men behave like dicks, some women behave like dicks. Just find a good one, don't pick a bad one because you think they are all like that and then try to change them.

Oblomov Sat 08-Feb-14 13:45:53

YABU. But then I always encourage dh to go out, be it to a local pub or overnight abroad.
What is it exactly that bothers you?
If you don't trust him. But you don't live with him. Then presumably he 'could' sleep with another woman, any day of the week, in the pub down the road. But that doesn't bother you? It's the stag weekend bit? I don't get your logic.
Yes it could be a boy easier for him to sleep with someone else in Blackpool or Amsterdam. Rather than local. But if you really are worried that this is an issue, ten the core problem is that you think he will cheat. You don't trust him.
THAT is you main problem.
Finish with him. This is going nowhere. Your jealousy will kill this, eventually.

BuggersMuddle Sat 08-Feb-14 13:50:36

Is it perhaps the friends rather than the actual going away (if they're a bunch of middle aged drunken womanisers).

Because there is a certain truth in 'you can judge someone by the company they keep'

ALittleStranger Sat 08-Feb-14 13:52:49

Which goes back to Offred's very good point; if all the evidence points to the boyfriend just being a bit of a dick, why plan to change him rather than just walking away?

You don't buy a pair of jeans and then spend years trying to alter them into a bikini.

Pagwatch Sat 08-Feb-14 14:02:31

It comes dwn to whether you trust him and whether you can accept that that is how he behaves.
Dh goes away with friends. They go golfing, or to Vegas, they are going to Hong Kong in a few months.

They are his friends. They probably drink too much but they have a great time. I like him to enjoy himself. I trust him completely and we have been happily married for 25 years. He has been friends with most of them for 20 years and whilst I expect some of them have 'pulled' whilst away, that's not my concern.

It's your choice. If it bothers you because you think they are drinking and pulling trips then you probably ought to go your separate ways.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 14:04:39

I think you may have been sucked into the "lads/girls" culture yourself maybe. Might be why you have ended up with him.

The idea that men are pathetic, sexually incontinent, emotionally insensitive, toddlers who have to be constantly policed and mothered and limited by their female partners, who drink wine together and shop and complain and think of ways to trick the men into doing what they want them to, whilst the men try to think of ways to get out from "under the thumb", and that this is just how men are and how relationships between men and women are, is a very strong message in that "lads/girls" culture. It may be partly responsible for this picking of crap men and then wanting to change them thing...

DarlingGrace Sat 08-Feb-14 14:07:42

You aren't cohabiting with him.
Really what he does with his spare time is his business.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 14:07:49

But yes, broadly I agree that you cannot and should not be trying to change or control him. He's just not right for you, that's all that matters. He wants to live a single live with the benefit of regular sex and at best can be subject to suspicion that he doesn't altogether recognise that women are people.

noddyholder Sat 08-Feb-14 14:10:42

I think to end the relationship because of his friends and trips away etc is controlling. It is taking away from him relationship he is probably very happy in because you are uncomfortable.

DarlingGrace Sat 08-Feb-14 14:11:33

I agree with Pagwatch I know some of DHs mates have had ONS on golf holidays. However it isn't my business and I trust DH.

DarlingGrace Sat 08-Feb-14 14:13:42

Reading back, all of the OPs posts - it isn't so much about approving or disapproving , it's because she doesn't like going away/doesn't have the money to do so herself, so the whole relationship will never work because they have different values and probably different incomes.

noddyholder Sat 08-Feb-14 14:15:03

But while you don't live together and the relationship is still dating you do lots of things that gradually fizzle out or decrease as you get older/have kids/settle down a bit.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 14:17:06

Noddyholder - what a highly unusual post!! "Taking away from him a relationship he is probably happy in"? WTAF?! confused So unless both partners are unhappy or the happy partner/society thinks the reason the unhappy partner is unhappy is good enough a relationship shouldn't end?

EllaFitzgerald Sat 08-Feb-14 14:19:00

If he's going to cheat, then he'll cheat. It doesn't matter if he's in a bar in Malaga with his mates or wandering round Sainsburys buying a loaf of bread. The issue here seems to be that you just don't trust him wherever he is.

When you say that you don't see much of each other because you don't live together, how often are we talking? Do you feel like he's prioritising spending time with his friends over spending time with you?

Damnhot72 Sat 08-Feb-14 14:22:37

Thank you no I don't want to try and change him, perhaps I need to change myself who knows, whatever the reasons it just doesn't make me feel comfortable it probably is a little bit of trust and insecurity and worried if I ever did live with him which is what you ultimately end up aiming for, how would it be? I think everyone is different from past life experiences to how we were are made as to what we will or won't accept in a relationship. It's also different I think if you've been with someone a long time you do learn to trust them and being someone who has been with cheats and controlling men etc etc you become more and more syndical. I may be silly to feel how I do I don't deny that but I simply can't help it, so as someone said we're maybe just not compatible. None of my friends other halfs or my family's do this sort of thing, they have their hobbies and occasional nights out but they don't go away every 3 months with womanising idiots so I don't think I'm being that unreasonable.

wellthatsdoneit Sat 08-Feb-14 14:25:02

It doesn't sound like you are very compatible in this area. You want one thing, he wants another. I don't think it's likely to change if you lived together/had children and would probably make you feel even worse. I think it's best to end it now before you are any more committed.

ALittleStranger Sat 08-Feb-14 14:29:21

Have your friends been dating their partners a year though? The way people behave after several years of commitment is very different than one year in with someone you don't even live with... It sounds like the issue isn't the weekends away but that the relationship doesn't look (yet) like the relationship you want.

DarlingGrace Sat 08-Feb-14 14:35:55

I would imagine most of your friends live with/are married to partners of a longer duration than a year. When you are in a settled relationship the endless weekends tend to go by-the-by.

If your ultimate goal is to live with him, then I would assume that money will be pooled. So would you go away with your friends when he goes away with his?

I also think you are projecting past poor choices in relationships onto this new bloke.

Damnhot72 Sat 08-Feb-14 14:37:59

That's very true alittlestrange it is very different and that's kind of my point too, but I'm not sure I'm willing to take the chance I have 2 kids to consider, he has 2 kids and I will say he doesn't go the weekends he has the kids although once he did ask his mum to have them. I don't think it's fair to say you can't go because of my insecurities so it is just the right thing to do to walk away. I will miss certain things but that's life I guess. I wish sometimes I could grab hold of the feeling this makes me feel and just remove it, switch off the button in my head but it's just not possible so I think it's time to move on

Damnhot72 Sat 08-Feb-14 14:41:52

That is also true darlinggrace I am letting the past interfere with this relationship, I have been told this before actually but I have no idea how to put the past to bed. Probably will always have problems with relationships in that case but really it is just this one thing I am finding hard . So annoying

DarlingGrace Sat 08-Feb-14 14:46:41

FWIW, I have several female friends in their late 30's, early 40's who are second time round in the dating game. It is a constant source of eye opening amusement to me. They are worse than any man I've encountered, with their attitude to going out/weekends away/party lifestyle/ONS.

So I don't think it's a bloke thing.

Damnhot72 Sat 08-Feb-14 14:58:59

No not always darlinggrace I agree. It's nit just down to gender.

Ellafizgerald although I agree it is a trust issue, it is a bit silly to compare a trip to sainsburys to buy a loaf of bread and a night away in Malaga with drunk men and women. Of course I trust him in sainsburys I do generally I have no idea were he is half the time his work involves him driving around a lot. I don't question that it's just I hear stories about others cheating, women joining them etc etc going back to hotel rooms not necessarily his. I guess I don't know him well enough to really put my trust in him yet, that could change maybe and it could very well fizzle out as I know he has in the past turned down nights out for me as I have done, only tonight I said no to the girls because I'd arranged to see him, and if know he has too. It's such a shame as we don't argue at all I've not been completely honest how I feel on this as I don't want to come across as 'controlling' as some people immediately thought here. So the only answer is to walk or should I explain how I feel in a non controlling way and give him a chance I don't know

noddyholder Sat 08-Feb-14 15:24:07

What I am saying is to end a relationship that both are happy in because of her insecurities is controlling. It isn't because she doesn't like his company or him per se but unless he panders to her insecurity it has to end. I don't think it shouldn't end and its up to the individual but it is controlling as he has no choice apart from changing who he is

rainbowsmiles Sat 08-Feb-14 15:28:02

Just express how you feel. Jeez. Its not controlling to say when you do this I feel that. It is communicating your needs and desires. Relationships are compromise. He may not know how it makes you feel. He may come up with a compromise or he might say too bad I'll do as I want. But YOU decide what YOU want and what you are happy with. Have a clear view of what is acceptable to you. I wouldn't care how many women thought it okay for partners to go away for regular boozy weekends with other players. It would never be okay for me and that is the only thing that needs to be
considered by me. And never arguing is not a good sign. If you never express how you truly feel then you can avoid arguments but in the end what is the point.

DarlingGrace Sat 08-Feb-14 15:30:07

only tonight I said no to the girls because I'd arranged to see him

I'm just shock at that comment.

Damnhot72 Sat 08-Feb-14 15:33:40

Thanks rainbow and your right about the arguments, that's probably why I'm feeling like I do cos I've avoided saying anything.

How strange noddy so you should stay in a relationship to make the other person happy even if your not happy yes can't see me doing that anytime time soon, and if it's controlling to leave a relationship then yes I'm guilty. Very odd !

Damnhot72 Sat 08-Feb-14 15:34:49

I don't mean 'only' as in the only time, just a figure of speech darling lol

I couldn't imagine having a DP who didn't want to spend the vast majority of his holiday time and money with me.

But I didn't have a gang of girls or DH lads to go on holiday with when we were 20, so it seems an insane way to carry one at 40

noddyholder Sat 08-Feb-14 15:45:17

Thats not what I mean at all. You don't sound unhappy you sound like you are insecure and so the whole thing is off. This could crop up again. I was just disagreeing that it isn't controlling because it is. You are insecure so its all off? If he stopped going away with hsi mates would you stay in the relationship?

noddyholder Sat 08-Feb-14 15:50:51

When I read the OP it sounded to me like you both like each other but because you don't like him going away you are going to end it. Rather than maybe find out why you feel like that?

EllaFitzgerald Sat 08-Feb-14 15:51:50

Damn I'm sorry, I obviously didn't express myself very well. I'm not suggesting that you don't trust him when he's doing the shopping. The point I was trying to make is that if he thinks cheating is an acceptable thing to do (which I obviously don't know whether he does or not) then it doesn't matter if he's going about his every day business or whether he's away with a load of drunk mates. If he wants to cheat, he'll cheat. If he doesn't, he won't.

Damnhot72 Sat 08-Feb-14 15:55:03

Well i am a strong person in many ways believe it or not, I am insecure a bit yes, but I wouldn't and don't stop him going out with the lads I don't stop him playing golf, playing football etc etc, if there was a stag night he wanted to go to I wouldn't stop him it's one night or 2 nights whatever but regularly I personally don't like it, feel stressed and upset. For you it might not matter if your dp went away with the lads every few months your not insecure you trust him good for you, but there maybe something else you may not like or put up with that wouldn't bother me or someone else, you can't help how you feel. And I have never said you can't go, that would be controlling but leaving the relationship to allow him to go away with womanisers as often as he wanted and letting me find someone who was more interested in maybe taking me away instead is not controlling but it is taking control of your own life!

rainbowsmiles Sat 08-Feb-14 15:55:19

Exactly starballbunny. Not everyone wants that but I do and so does damhot.

Good luck with the big conversation. Have trust in yourself.

noddyholder Sat 08-Feb-14 15:58:32

Yes I agree that you should take control but it would be a shame if you were quite happy with him as this could crop up again esp as by your 40s if you are single holiday with mates etc is quite common. If he said it had been boring recently and he felt he was out growing it would you be happy with him otherwise?

Damnhot72 Sat 08-Feb-14 15:58:33

Noddy is because this sort of thing has happened before so it doesn't feel comfortable, I have been over and over it in my head and I know it won't change unless there was maybe a compromise and it was less or something I don't know.

Ella I used to say the same thing myself, I get what your saying but there is more pressure from the lads in that situation he admits it himself !

Damnhot72 Sat 08-Feb-14 16:01:10

Yes noddy I would or a compromise :-)

noddyholder Sat 08-Feb-14 16:03:54

Then I think its a shame to let this ruin it. Happened to a friend whose dp had a hobby that took him here there and everywhere She couldn't cope as her ex cheated. So she left someone lovely as she couldn't get her head round it. He was devastated for ages but then met someone else really sad as they were lovely together. Talk to him smile

Oblomov Sat 08-Feb-14 16:04:45

You need counselling. To get over the hurt of previous relationships. Else you won't be able to trust, so this will keep on happening, in one form or another.

BOFtastic Sat 08-Feb-14 16:08:16

I'm with Offred and others: I don't think you sound remotely controlling, but simply incompatible, and it's absolutely fine to find this behaviour immature and not for you. I just wouldn't be interested in a man with such a laddish outlook. Also, you say that you think it's inevitable to progress in the relationship, but I doubt at his age he has the same plans- it's perfectly cushy the way things are, from his point of view. It's really important to be on the same page, especially as you have your children to think of.

He isn't a child, and you aren't treating your relationship like a lollipop you are about to snatch away, as I think Noddy sees it: you are an adult woman with responsibilities, and you have every right to decide what is acceptable to you going forward.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 16:08:56

How predictable to call someone insecure when they have a problem with misogyny(!)

specialsubject Sat 08-Feb-14 16:11:37

usual questions:

what do you get out of this relationship?
do you enjoy his company? Find him interesting?
does he enjoy yours? Find you interesting?
where do you want this to go? Does he want the same?

you don't see much of him, you say. Is this just friends with benefits?

noddyholder Sat 08-Feb-14 16:12:36

Thats not how I see it at all. Don't let the past ruin your future

noddyholder Sat 08-Feb-14 16:16:12

How is it misogyny?

rainbowsmiles Sat 08-Feb-14 16:21:34

But noddy she isn't ruining anything. She has an expectation which isn't being met. Your friend was not happy with her relationship because she didn't want to come second to her boyfriend's hobbies.

Men act differently when they are all out in the lads drinking environment and pretending that excessive amounts of alcohol doesn't impair your decision making process is just silly.

I've seen plenty of nice fellars turn into morons when they are pissed. I'm not going to pretend that I or my dh are any different.

Maybe she does have trust issues. But trust is not an automatic. It is built over time. You don't just hand your trust over to someone especially if they are not acting in a particularly trustworthy fashion.

This is NOT you being a hysterical female. You are simply defining what you consider acceptable within a committed relationship.

The idea that you have to put up with behaviour you aren't happy with just to keep a man is the route to unhappiness.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 16:22:11

Read my previous posts.

BOFtastic Sat 08-Feb-14 16:23:30

I also disagree that you need counselling. It's perfectly normal to feel pissed off and disappointed that you have been treated badly in past relationships. If you were projecting your fears and insecurity onto a man who seemed to prioritise you and showed no indication that he was likely to cheat, then yes, that would be an issue. As it is, you sound like you are simply exercising sensible caution, as this man does appear to be fond of socialising with shaggers on regular boozy lads' trips. The company he keeps and his general attitude are ringing alarm bells for you, and that's fair enough- there's nothing pathological about it.

What do they say about the definition of stupidity? It's something like doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results.

If you want a relationship in the future, I think you need to start fishing in a less murky pond. There are plenty of men who would be happy to treat you well and prefer going places with you than with a bunch of overgrown boys on an 18-30 weekend in Ayia Napa.

noddyholder Sat 08-Feb-14 16:25:02

His hobbies took him away and she thought he may cheat as out of sight and all that. She has regretted it ever since. I think the OP has said things in her past have made her feel this way. If he stopped going away she is happy with him in other ways and would want it to continue or maybe I have read it wrong. I think this could arise again its a trust issue I think borne out of something that happened previously.

I wouldn't be comfortable with this in a partner and that's fine - he's totally entitled to do it, of course, but it doesn't sound like it would be a good idea to be together long term.

DH goes away with friends once a year or so, but they're all super geeks so they go to a "LAN" - they all take their computers and spend 3 days playing computer games in a giant hall with tournaments and stuff. confused They do drink and one or two of them are always looking to get laid, sure, but they're all mid twenties - fairly standard I think. And I've been to several get togethers and they're nice people, not twats and not at all "laddish".

I think it would be quite different for me if the weekend was totally centred around drinking and sex rather than being about seeing friends and having a good time with the drinking being a secondary part really.

I don't know. I just - I know it sounds shallow but I think that sometimes something that seems like it's a little detail is actually your gut instinct trying to tell you something. If it makes you feel that uncomfortable, yet this is who he is, that's a little part of his personality that makes you feel uncomfortable. Which isn't really a good sign.

morethanpotatoprints Sat 08-Feb-14 16:27:50

I agree with you OP, I too don't like this laddish behaviour and chose a man who wasn't interested in this lifestyle.
I don't think you have any issues tbh, it just sounds like incompatibility to me.
It is a shame when you both end up wanting different things, but better to end it now than when you are both married or living together.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 16:28:06

His hobby is taking part in or spectating whilst other people use and abuse women? That's a hobby is it?

Doasbedoneby Sat 08-Feb-14 16:30:40

Or the men could be 'womanising' with women who are just as keen.

They're not necessarily being 'used and abused'

Damnhot72 Sat 08-Feb-14 16:31:05

Yes noddy but he's 45 surely it's not too much to expect him to tone it down and let me trust him, going out in the evening I'm fine with. I want someone mature who will commit to me and my kids and his own for that matter

noddyholder Sat 08-Feb-14 16:31:57

Offred I am talking about my friend not the OP I was replying to rainbow my friend had a really good relationship but couldn't cope with his hobby which took him away as her ex had cheated and it stayed with her and ruined this relationship. Of course the OP and his trips aren't a hobby! I personally wouldn't be interested in someone who was laddish but if it was something he was caught up in due to being single and part of a big group I do think it may change. They don't live together so he may not even know this is an issue.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 16:34:50

If the women are agreeing on an individual basis that is a different thing to going on a lads holiday trying to notch up as much access to as many women's bodies as possible. Women are now aping this by trying to similarly abuse men on girls holidays but it is still using.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 16:35:43

I know, I'm making the point that you are comparing a situation which is not comparable noddy.

expatinscotland Sat 08-Feb-14 16:38:48

I wouldn't give the time of day to a man in his 40s so immature he still goes on benders with 'the lads' like a teenager.

noddyholder Sat 08-Feb-14 16:39:00

I think they are similar. The past negatively influencing the future. The OP would stay with him if he stopped the trips she is not unhappy with who he is just this aspect. My friend's partner was doing a sport thing and she was still consumed with the fact that he may cheat and it destroyed that and subsequent relationships.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 16:42:16

With one fundamental difference - objecting to your partner having a hobby is quite unreasonable whereas objecting to your partner taking part in a misogynistic lads culture is not.

ChippingInWadesIn Sat 08-Feb-14 16:42:21

So confused

rainbowsmiles Sat 08-Feb-14 16:45:04

Noddy they have been together a year and he is 45?!?! Its no the first few months.

And your friend finished with hobby guy because he was not putting her first. If she has experience of a partner cheating while away for weekends then its probably not a good idea for the next relationship to be with someone who goes away a lot. Would drive you insane. Your friend made the right decision because their individual needs were not compatible with their joint needs.

She regrets her split because she didn't experience the inevitable misery of their relationship breakdown.

noddyholder Sat 08-Feb-14 16:46:01

But offred the OP didn't come on here to say that. If she objected and considered him a misogynist it wouldn't have lasted a year. She likes this guy and just wants him to tone down his trips away. I personally wouldn't want to be with anyone who was into that but I didn't think that was her issue. If I met someone like that I would run a mile but the OP didn't and has been with him a year

Two things.

Is it too much to expect of men in general, ie, are they all like this, is it impossible to find a man who doesn't do this - NO. Not all men in their 20s act like this let alone in their 40s. It's not too much to expect in general. You don't have to put up with it because he's good in other ways.

Second question, is it too much to expect HIM to change and settle down - yes, IMO it is. This is his hobby, what he likes to do, his life, his personality. I think that you need to respect that, respect your differences and say "Thanks, but no thanks".

The problem is that he might well stop and say that he wants to spend time with you over these lads' trips, but then when the next one comes up, he's going to feel like he's missing out. He'll see the photos on facebook or hear the in-jokes and feel sad/nostalgic about it. When he's feeling particularly crummy about it and/or annoyed with you for some other reason it's going to come up as resentment. "I gave this up for you". He might even feel that because he's made a sacrifice for you, you should make some kind of sacrifice for him. That's not a way to have a happy relationship!

If he wasn't into the lads' weekends any more then he would have stopped of his own accord.

shey02 Sat 08-Feb-14 17:27:59

But also, I'm sorry, I do have some sympathy for the OP. If the OP feels a bit vulnerable with the amount of trips that he goes on, perhaps because of past problems/infidelity, simply perhaps he is not the boy for her. To seek a resolution or the end of the relationship is not controlling, it's just trying to find a balance that works for her. Life is too short.

Not all men do these kind of activities regularly, my fella might have a trip away once every two years, a night out with his mates 2 or 3 times a year. I am the same. I personally could not accept a 'lads' type of man, as I do not want us to live that kind of life. Luckily we're on a par with that but it must be hard in the OP's position. Hugs.

Oblomov Sat 08-Feb-14 17:51:29

I thought OP said he went I weekends to watch football and drink beer.
I didn't see any mention of prostitutes!, lap dancing clubs or ONS's
I didn't see it as abuse of women.

And someone mentioned getting pissed, I Didnt read that either.

You can go and watch football and gave a few drinks without getting pissed and abusing women.
My dh manages it.

Joysmum Sat 08-Feb-14 17:54:40

I'm sorry, I haven't read through the whole thread but thought I'd share my experience.

I was cheated on with an ex partner and that coloured my outlook on life ever since.

In the early days with my then boyfriend, I was very insecure and feared it would happen to me again. It wasn't that I didn't trust my husband as such, I didn't trust that the relationship, and me, was enough for him.

I trusted him with my feeling and shared my thoughts. He was so understanding and just wanted to reassure me and work through it. I'm sure if he'd posted on here about the situation then as if it was happening now, he'd be mostly advised to LTB!

Luckily for us, he thought I was worth persevering with. We put in the effort to make our relationship the strongest it could be so that I could feel more secure and didn't feel so vulnerable so with time, not only was our relationship fun and fabulous but I also felt secure.

Of course I do still worry I might not be enough and it'll all fall apart but it's a nightmare, not a real fear, if you know what I mean. I'm so glad my husband helped me to work through the scars of my past and didn't give up on me. We couldn't be happier now and we have the strongest relationship of anyone I know.

In short, there are 4 ways to deal will jealousy and insecurity:

1) Try to ignore it and suffer
2) Try to control your partner
3) Try to become more secure and not be controlling
4) LTB

rainbowsmiles Sat 08-Feb-14 17:56:25

"Its all about drinking copious amounts of alcohol" ?!?!?!

AnyFucker Sat 08-Feb-14 19:55:09

Look OP, despite some people trying to paint you as controlling for not being impressed by a bloke in his 40's who still acts like a "lad", this is your choice

If you want someone more grown up in your's and your kid's life, I applaud you. You don't have to force yourself to overlook something that doesn't chime with you for the sake of being in a relationship

just tell him "so long, nice knowing you" and move on

Wishihadabs Sat 08-Feb-14 21:27:40

Well dh is on a lad's weekend (lasting 4 days) as we speak, it's something he has always done. He went to an all boys boarding school and sometimes I think that's part of it, they do just like to be in the company of the same blokes they lived with from 13-18. I don't especially like it, but absence makes the heart grow fonder, he usually brings me back a nice present and enjoys his wife and children much more when he has just spent 72 hours with some stinky blokes. I don't worry about infidelity tbh I don't think groups of steaming drunk men are that appealing to women. If he wanted to be unfaithful surely he'd take a woman out alone rather than pack hunt.

iamonthepursuitofhappiness Sun 09-Feb-14 10:09:14

Something I read which made a lot of sense to me was, basically, you don't make someone more committed by keeping them so close that they can't breathe (or words to that affect). 'Not allowing' your DP to have time away from you will not make him less likely to do the things you fear; if he is that way inclined then he will be able to create opportunities to cheat/see the lads/whatever but it will mean he will start lying to you in the process.

If you have no reason to distrust your DH/P then you have to appreciate that this is your issue and work towards accepting that most people need time to do things outside of the relationship including weekends away and nights out with the lads. Have you read Co-dependency No More? I am not saying you are necessarily CD but it may help you understand why you feel the way you do.

ShatzePage Sun 09-Feb-14 11:04:13

Urgh at the cool wives trying to justify vile laddish behaviour. How can you justify your dh's friends cheating on their wives/partners so casually? Horrible and I am glad I am not so insecure that I feel I need to lose my own morals to appeal to the "lads".

LOL at 50 year old men going on lads jaunts to vegas-how pathetic.

LyndaCartersBigPants Sun 09-Feb-14 11:30:30

I think it's a shame to throw away an otherwise good relationship because of your insecurity if you have no reason not to trust him.

Can you put your hand on your heart and say with 100% conviction that you know he won't cheat? If not then you need to ask yourself if this is something he has said or done or if it is really all you.

My DP goes away with friends sometimes and it would never occur to me that he would cheat. I know for a fact that he will miss me, think of me, send me photos and messages and enjoy his time away in an entirely appropriate way.

Fwiw, I'm far from a 'cool GF', I'll often joke about him not talking to other women when he goes out or rib him about new female FB friends, so he knows I have a jealous streak, but it's just out of love and he's the same to me. It's just a healthy awareness of the other persons attractiveness to the opposite sex!

Do you ever get the chance to go away together? I think I'd find weekends away with the boys harder to bear if I didn't also get holidays with him. I know I am a priority when it comes to him spending his holiday time and budget, so any time he goes without me is ok, because he has saved up 'credit' with me, so to speak. If your DP doesn't go way with you then I think his priorities are a bit off for a man in a relationship.

AnUnearthlyChild Sun 09-Feb-14 11:43:52

But you can argue it isn't a good relationship if there is a fundamental incompatibility of outlook.

It seems on the face of it that The op wants someone mature and settled. The bloke wants to go on lads nights out.

Nothing wrong with either pov, but they are just not compatible.

Only the op can decide if she wants to discuss or negotiate a solution, come to a compromise or if the incompatibility is just too great to overlook.

But "it's a shame to throw away a relationship because..." is the reason that people settle, and stay in relationships where they aren't happy or feel insecure. A relationship shouldn't make you feel insecure, it should make you feel safe. I know that some people have insecurity issues of their own, but I don't think in this case that the OP sounds OVERLY insecure. She has said she doesn't have a problem with him going to football and other sports etc, it's just these weekends which she finds difficult.

And, that's fine. That's her. Your DH does something similar, and you don't find it difficult at all. That's fine too. There are enough people in the world that everyone deserves to be with someone they are happy with! I find it frustrating that often it's touted that there is a "right" or "wrong" way to have a relationship - apart from abuse of course, that's just not the case and what one person might see as "clingy" another might see as "reassuring". Again what one person sees as being aloof/distant, another finds very welcome breathing space. Ad finitum.

Ziplex Sun 09-Feb-14 12:05:03

Your not controlling but will leave him if these trips carry on ...
These 2 statements just conflicting.

No it's not confused

AnyFucker Sun 09-Feb-14 12:19:08

Zip, that is too simplistic

Your statement only works if you feel that OP has no agency of her own

If her P insists on behaving like a young single man then it is entirely her choice and shows a maturity way beyond his

AnyFucker Sun 09-Feb-14 12:19:36

entirely her choice to walk away I meant, sorry

rainbowsmiles Sun 09-Feb-14 13:24:38

No-one knows that their partner will be 100% faithful. You might choose to believe it but you cant be 100%.

Alcohol impaired judgement plus opportunity can lead to regret. I'm not suggesting you shouldn't trust but its madness to believe you know with 100% certainty what someone's actions will be when you aren't around and alcohol is in the mix.

You can but trust they will do the right thing. If you he is 45 and prioritising nights out with the boys and weekend benders with the boys I think any trust in him would be misplaced.

And I know quite a few women who are with cheats and the cheats insist and prioritise boys nights and weekends over family time. And when I say cheats I just mean opportunist shaggers. I'm trying to think of one of these groups that aren't made up of opportunistic shaggers and I can't. That's not to say all the men aren't all shaggers but they are all in on the game.

Damnhot72 Mon 10-Feb-14 12:29:08

Well it's been great to read other peoples perspective on this, a real mix and it's helped. I know I'm not controlling but I also know what I find acceptable and not acceptable. It seems that in this group most of the women don't particularly like it but accept it, I know some moan and some simply say your not going. My dp has made it clear how he feels about this certain person saying this.

I have spoke to him about it, I think really from what he says he understands how I feel and indeed would feel similar to me if I was doing these trips in simular circumstances but he doesn't think it would be a major issue for him (not sure I believe that) . We talked about it he was rubbing my back as I explained maybe I did feel a tad insecure, but he also made it clear they wouldn't be stopping and they will most likely be doing it when they're in their 60s . He said he doesn't deny he has spoken to females but has said he has never been unfaithful to anyone and even when single didn't very often pull as far as he was concerned he was there to watch football catch up with the lads have a dance drink and go home to sleep.

I don't feel any better IMO it's a real issue for me I don't want a lad I want a man! It was only a week ago his brother said casually did you get the text about Barcelona in May a week trip? Someone's pre stag trip or something, his wife has said he can't go because their baby is due and what is she supposed to do if it comes, at first he was like oh I could get back etc. but then thought better of it. I just couldn't live like that I'm not likely to be having another baby but for me this isn't going to work and I've thought about it all weekend and read your comments. IMO there other issues which include money, he earns quite a bit which allows him to go on these trips but he never really spends any of this money on me, I always pay for myself, which I don't mind but I think eventually this would just cause resentment so I have decided not to invest anymore of my time into this relationship,I just have to decide how and when to tell him.

Darkesteyes Mon 10-Feb-14 14:07:29

So one of his mates wants to bugger off on one of these jaunts right when his baby is due. And he reckons they will still be doing it in their 60s. you can tell a lot about someone by the company they keep.
And he doesnt think it would be an issue for him if you went on a similar trip I smell BUULSHIT.

As for deciding how to tell him you could tell him that yr values and opinions on these issues are too different and its just not going to work.

Damnhot72 Mon 10-Feb-14 14:39:53

Thanks dark, well that was his brother! My soon to be ex hasn't been invited to that one as doesn't know the guy very well apparently, but no doubt would of gone if he did. It was the uncomfortable feeling I had when it was mentioned that kicked off how I feel. The next one is in march so he will be able to enjoy as a single guy won't he !

Twinklestein Mon 10-Feb-14 14:42:51

I'm delighted to hear that you've decided to end it OP. Some men are far more invested in their friends than in their bird. He would be a crap bf whoever he was with. If he was 15 it would be dismal enough, but he's apparently 40fucking5. It's perfectly reasonable not to want to be involved with a bunch of immature tits.

I don't want a lad I want a man

Amen to that.

rainbowsmiles Mon 10-Feb-14 15:03:42

For what its worth I think you've made the right choice. It's just one of those things. You are hoping to find a partner and he's looking for a girl friend. Nothing wrong with either just mismatched expectations. And I get what you mean about the money too.

I know if I were to start out on dating again I could not be bothered with having to battle with these things or have to justify why I felt a certain way. If he doesn't get it by now then he isn't going to.

Best of luck.

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 10-Feb-14 17:51:50

I'm totally confused by the idea that it is "controlling" to end a relationship.

How can that ever be so?

Nobody owes anyone else a relationship. Leaving a relationship because you are not happy is not controlling the person you are leaving. If you wanted to control them, you'd stay and try to force them to change.

I'm also getting quite concerned about the way "controlling" is used as a way to criticise women for having any kind of misgivings about the way her partner acts.

Whereas for a man to be controlling they are usually actually using their power/wealth/emotional abuse to force another person into acting in ways they wouldn't ordinarily choose.

AnyFucker Mon 10-Feb-14 18:00:33

I think you have made the right decision for you, love

AnyFucker Mon 10-Feb-14 18:01:28

Yes, Join, when women exercise choice it is labelled as "controlling"

that's a new one on me hmm

Damnhot72 Mon 10-Feb-14 18:19:45

Well I actually feel better now I've made a decision. I knew I would be called controlling , but I think I'm doing the right thing leaving taking control of my own life and letting him live his life how he wants to, he may find someone who is willing to pit up with it but it's not be x

Damnhot72 Mon 10-Feb-14 18:20:28

Not me I mean

Doasbedoneby Mon 10-Feb-14 18:25:37

It's not controlling to end a relationship.

I think it's controlling to want to change someone who is happy the way they are.

So the OP isn't being controlling by ending it.

reyhansmummy Mon 10-Feb-14 18:29:24

i would hate this!!! my dh friends ask him to go away with them too and if he did and would leave me here with my 7 month old ds i wouldn't have it, especially as mens friends are womanisers and bad influences . x

I think OP is right to end the relationship as she and the man are clearly not suited to one another.
In a general way, though, the 'cool girlfriend' role is actually a good one to aim for. It means you don't spend all your time and energy on trying to acquire, maintain and police a couple-relationship because you have a life of your own. The OP does seem to have backed herself into the position of being the one who sits at home wringing her hands and whining because she has no interests other than The Relationship, and that's not healthy.

Damnhot72 Mon 10-Feb-14 18:37:03

Oh I do have my own friends that I go out with be it shopping lunch dinner sometimes and I drink wow! I have hobbys my own business,studying for more as well, my own house, 2 lovely children that I do lots of things with even take them away on my own sometimes. I don't go out alot in the evening because I have my children most of the time, but I can assure you I'm not the little miss no friends sitting at home doing nothing. I just don't like my man going away with other unfaithful womanisers that's all.

AnyFucker Mon 10-Feb-14 18:44:33

Good for you, Damn

AnyFucker Mon 10-Feb-14 18:45:04

"cool gf's" just get trodden all over, IMO

Offred Mon 10-Feb-14 18:53:16

"Cool gf" is not about having a life of your own IMO. It is about precisely the opposite, modern equivalent of stepford wife. Cool gf is all about trying not to be bothered about being treated badly because a woman's role is to never challenge their male partner and to quietly and smilingly put up with however they are treated and worse than that to act like they enjoy it.

Offred Mon 10-Feb-14 18:57:40

And I wish you'd think through the logic of the statement "cool gf is something to aim for" because that phrase expresses pretty precisely that the woman is expected to adjust her boundaries in order to accommodate the man. What's wrong with just finding someone who shares your values and respects your boundaries? Why do women have to aim to be any kind of gf?

Damnhot72 Mon 10-Feb-14 18:58:23

Huh yes offred and any fucker and I have done that role before for years believe me, I promised myself NEVER again!!

expatinscotland Mon 10-Feb-14 19:00:22

I'd find someone that old still going on 'lads weekends' a pathetic saddo so never would have got to relationship stage with such a person.

Offred Mon 10-Feb-14 19:01:52

Indeed. I entirely reserve the right to be "cool" about what I'm actually cool about and really fucked off about what I'm really fucked off about and the implication that it you aren't cool with your partner being involved with womanisers and objectifiers it's because you have no life is really offensive.

AnyFucker Mon 10-Feb-14 19:13:47

expat, I swear you and I are "relationship twins" smile

expatinscotland Mon 10-Feb-14 19:19:47

AF smile

Oblomov Tue 11-Feb-14 11:04:59

I doubt I have a 'relationship twin' !!

I don't do it to be a 'cool gf', I don't think it's sad or pathetic for men to go away together.

I don't think my dh is a pathetic saddo.

I think it's because I really enjoy going out drinking (and I don't been getting plastered) with my female friends.
So I don't understand why its such a crime for men to do it.

I am clearly in a totally different place to most others on this thread. But I find that puzzling.

shey02 Tue 11-Feb-14 11:24:41

It's really just about compatability and happiness. It works fine for some couples and for others it wouldn't. Repeat, it's not about control, it's finding compatability. Good for you OP for realising that.

Dahlen Tue 11-Feb-14 11:45:32

You can judge a lot about someone from the company they keep.

Your BF's going away for weekends with his friends every three months or so - no big deal. wouldn't bother me in the slightest. His going away with men in their mid-40s who prioritise getting drunk and womanising - very big problem. Obviously your BF sees nothing wrong in their behaviour or he wouldn't be going to such lengths to maintain the friendships. And if he sees nothing wrong with it...

I have male friends who go away for weekends. They've all managed to gravitate towards other male friends who share similar standards of behaviour and have long ceased extending invitations to those who think it's funny to urinate in pub courtyards, judge wet T-shirt competitions or indulge in a bit of NSA infidelity. Strangely enough, they still drink and have fun, just in a more grown up way that displays a bit of integrity. Maybe that's why they're all still in happy relationships while the men who no longer got invited are not.

Sometimes we continue friendships well past their sell-by date. Ease, familiarity, scared of being "billy no mates" - all these play a part, and often unthinkingly. It's a good idea to do a bit of weeding from time to time though.

You don't have any right to tell your BF what to do. You do have every right to form an opinion, express it, and decide whether your differing views are compatible, however.

JoinYourPlayfellows Tue 11-Feb-14 11:59:19

Why do women have to aim to be any kind of gf?

Amen to that.

Offred Tue 11-Feb-14 12:02:33

I suppose it is two things that bother me about it. I don't think I'd want to be with someone who felt they needed to be in an exclusively male environment where women were not allowed or where they wouldn't be comfortable if women were invited (same with groups of "girls"). That's the thin end of the sexist wedge because it demonstrates prejudice against people who happen to be female (or male and I've been infuriated with the "girls" stuff equally). The thick end being where this guy seems to be - feeling the need to be in an all male group where they are only comfortable if women are there to be used as sex toys. Nothing to do with trust re infidelity for me, everything to do with trust re respect for women as people.

Offred Tue 11-Feb-14 12:05:14

(The other is the actual supporting of objectifying/misogyny)

Offred Tue 11-Feb-14 12:09:31

Fundamentally I don't think someone who understands people primarily as people rather than as men and women would need to go on lads/girls holidays. If they are doing that I'd judge that they primarily saw people as men and women and I'd not necessarily trust them to not be a misogynist/misandrist. Not qualities I feel comfortable with in friends nevermind lovers.

Oblomov Tue 11-Feb-14 14:44:07

I don't see myself as misogynist or misandrist. I don't understand your logic. I like spending time with women. And men. And men and women.

You don't think anyone would need to go on a lads/girsl holiday?

You don't understand why a group of female friends would want to spend time together.

What about PN Groups? Who meet for a coffee and support eachother through crying non sleeping babies.

Presumably they are totally anti-feminist aswell.

Do you not have any female friends? Not ones that you meet in a group?

I do. I go to all sorts of different groups. Of one sex or both sexes.
I don't believe that I fit your description of " necessarily trust them to not be a misogynist/misandrist."

Freyalright Tue 11-Feb-14 15:32:50

I disagree with offred.

OP, I think you made the right call for compatibility reasons. I'm concerned about you expecting him to spend money on you. Did he expect you to spend your money on him. Does he owe you a lot of money?

Oblomov I can definitely see your perspective and I think it's unfair that some on here are painting the OP's bf (ex?) as a bad/sub-par person for going on these nights. I don't think it's any worse than any other hobby, unless it's impacting on things like caring for DC etc.

Personally it wouldn't be my thing but there's nothing wrong at all with doing it (obviously "womanising" etc or irresponsible drinking is different, but that aside) - it just means that person is perhaps more suited to a partner who either likes doing this kind of thing themselves (and hence they can come to an arrangement/agreement about equal "time off") or likes their space away from their DP regularly.

Lweji Tue 11-Feb-14 16:45:13

I don't think there is a right or wrong in this, and you are not controlling for not liking this part of his lifestyle.

You can only decide if it suits you or not, as you have.
You decide what is best for you.

Offred Tue 11-Feb-14 18:02:01

No, I don't understand why any person would want to stipulate that a whole gender was not allowed to something unless they had some kind of prejudice against that gender.

I have friends of mixed sexes.

PN groups are slightly different because they are about an experience only women can have but I would find them strange if they expressly excluded men.

I don't agree with any kind of gender segregation, personally.

Offred Tue 11-Feb-14 18:03:56

And of course sometimes I've been in exclusively female or exclusively male company. It is the express exclusion of the other gender that I object to.

Joysmum Tue 11-Feb-14 18:31:08

From what you've written, I too think you have done the right thing. I think that if my DH and I never did anything together but he had more of a life without me than we had together, I'd be calling things a day too. Surely couples want to spend enough time together and be satisfied with their experiences together before investing time and money with others?

So, whilst I'd have no objections (now I'm more secure) in DH going away with the lads, I would not be happy if we didn't have the time and money to do so as a couple as a priority. I'd be questioning why he wouldn't want that with me.

I'm quite happy for him to have lads days/nights out. I like to have days/nights out with the girls so it cuts both ways.

You can change the way you feel if you want to and feel it's something you need to change. If you don't want to then that's fine too and you're better off finding somebody who's a better fit. I wish you every success in doing so if that's what you want. Otherwise, enjoy being single.

DCRbye Tue 11-Feb-14 19:59:13

I think you have to set rules about what makes you happy according to your own standards. We're not all the same.

I ever liked xDH going on boys nights out, but in the same way we didn't do much of that stuff together.

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