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Can I be fixed?

(81 Posts)
PatrickStarisabadbellend Fri 07-Feb-14 23:44:39

Ever just down and just burst out crying? For one of the first times in my life I literally cannot stop crying. I feel broke, like a twig that's just snapped.
I'm 31 years old with 3 brilliant kids. I want to be normal for the sake of my kids. I guess speaking and talking about my life is possibly the first step in taking my life back. Please don't judge me or think I'm attention seeking because I promise I'm not. This will totally out me...

I come from a family of women who over the decades have been sexually abused. My mum, nan, aunts. All by different people. I was dragged down an alley at the age of 9 and sexually assaulted. My sister was gang raped.

My granddad beat my nan, my dad beat my mum, my Dp beat me, my sisters Dp beats her. When my mum went to work, my dad would beat my younger brother. He was 8. I used to cry and beg him to stop. Why didn't I tell my mum? My brother is a mess now.
My dad would make us all sit in the couch all day and we weren't allowed to move for upto 24 hours.

I didn't have the best start. My mum and dad had a terrible accident and were in hospital for a year when I was 2. I was passed around the family for a long time. Our home was repossessed and we were out on the streets.
When I was a teenager I developed an eating disorder. My family used to sing a made up song taking the piss out of me. I turned to self harming.

At 15 I took a handful of pills but my mum found me.

Not long after I met my Dp. At first he was kind and thoughtful. Then I found out I was pregnant with baby no.1, Dp started to push me around and slap me about.
Baby no2 comes and Dp takes it further. He avoids my bump until he went to prison for a separate thing. I thought great! I'm free. But he was soon out and knocking on my door full of promises. As a 19 year old with literally no confidence I let him back into my life. Not like I had a choice.

For the next few years Dp would regularly hit me, spit on me, take my money. Him and his friends would laugh and joke about my black eyes and my broken nose.

Baby no3 comes and Dp completely does an about turn. He gets a job and acts like the doting dad. He even said I was allowed to start going to the pub with the few friends I had for 2-3 hours on a Sunday night.

Then his brother thought it was wrong and I should be at home. So Dp drags me out of the pub by my hair in front of everybody. I was so scared that I wet myself.

Then my youngest brother ends up with internal injuries during a tour in Iraq. Dp wouldn't let me visit him. It broke my heart. My little brother was bullied terribly in school and he has a mild form of Tourette's. Just ticks really but enough for people to make his life a living hell.

Dp no longer hurts me. He hasn't done for a few years. I don't know why though?
I don't think he can be bothered because he's now 19stone, unemployed and a mess.

I now realise that my life isn't right. I don't want my kids to suffer any sadness that I have. I appear to have a heart of stone but with my kids I don't. Lately I have been crumbling, after all these years if staying strong it's all finally coming too much.

I need help.
(Please do not out me)

fusspot66 Fri 07-Feb-14 23:56:26

I'll hold your hand till someone better comes along.

handfulofcottonbuds Fri 07-Feb-14 23:58:49

Me too.

You are an amazingly strong woman to have got through all that, I'm not surprised you think you have finally snapped.

I'm sure you will get some good advice on here.

fusspot66 Fri 07-Feb-14 23:59:58

Your husband sounds like a monster. Could you contact Woman's Aid to talk to someone about the difficult sad things you've already survived. You sound as though you've been strong for much too long. Or the samaritans if noone else comes along.

PatrickStarisabadbellend Sat 08-Feb-14 00:01:45

I feel sick. I think it's finally dawned on me that my life is far from normal.

fusspot66 Sat 08-Feb-14 00:02:45

Women's Aid phoneline 0808 2000 247
Its a freephone open 24 hours a day.

PatrickStarisabadbellend Sat 08-Feb-14 00:03:12

We're not married although he's been talking about booking a wedding a the registry office. He said he wouldn't buy me a ring though.

I don't want to marry him.

minkBernardLundy Sat 08-Feb-14 00:04:08

Oh PatrickStar that is terrible.
Have you visited the stately homes and EA threads I think you would find a lot of support there.
You are not alone in feeling emotionally shut down to everyone but your kids. it is a normal coping strategy given what you have been through.

Also, please contact Women's Aid and consider the Freedom Program

You should be able to expect more from a partner than just that he does not hit you.i am betting even if he does not hit you now he is not exactly nice to you.

Abbierhodes Sat 08-Feb-14 00:04:12

Oh, you so don't need fixing. sad
You've had a terrible time, you sound like you just need some love and support. Do you have someone in RL who you trust who can support you?
How old are your kids? You must leave him, you know. You deserve a better life. I'd be crying too in your shoes, but life can and will get better.

PatrickStarisabadbellend Sat 08-Feb-14 00:05:54

My mum was terribly abused all of her life. She's just recently found the strength the get her own flat away from her ex. I don't blame my mum one bit.

But I don't want to trouble her with my problems.

minkBernardLundy Sat 08-Feb-14 00:08:30

Patrick don't marry him.
Would you consider leaving him?

In addition to WA you could also contact Rape Crisis. they may be able to offer you counselling. it isn't possible to change the past but it is posdible to leave it behind and find a life that is better. you obviously have massive resources of strength even if you do not feel like it. counselling may help you to see how strong you are and how you deserve better.


fusspot66 Sat 08-Feb-14 00:09:07

Reading your original post I can see that your life is not normal. You have had an abnormal number of terrible experiences in life. Your partner has exploited this instead of helping you. He is not normal. You seem very caring. You care about your brother and your children. You are struggling with an impossible burden. And your partner adds to it. Perfectly normal to break under the strain.

Abbierhodes Sat 08-Feb-14 00:11:25

Can you take courage from your mum? If she can, you can.

You deserve to be loved and cherished. Your partner is an arsehole who deserves to rot on his own.

PatrickStarisabadbellend Sat 08-Feb-14 00:11:54

I have opened up a savings account to squirrel away some money.

If he attacked me I wouldn't care. I'm used to it, I'd just get up, dust myself down and carry on.

I'm a freak.

fusspot66 Sat 08-Feb-14 00:13:16

Not a freak. Just worn down.

TemperamentalAroundCorvids Sat 08-Feb-14 00:13:50

She's your mum. And she's a woman who has lived through what you have - the violence you decribe is all male on female, yes? You can support each other - and she can help you because she has done it herself. If you want her support why not at least give her the chance?

minkBernardLundy Sat 08-Feb-14 00:14:14

Use her as an inspiration. if she can so can you.
I am glad your mum has escaped. i hope you do too.

Give your kids the gift of not growing up in the same pattern. Your mum would probably have liked to give that gift to you but could not but she can act as an inspiration now and show you it is never to late and escape is possible.

And remember none of this is your fault. you don't need to be fixed you need to be allowed to heal from the injuries others have done to you. that is unfair and it is hard to bear but you will heal, given time away from the cause of all this.

minkBernardLundy Sat 08-Feb-14 00:15:15

You are not a freak. you are a survivor. you are not alone in reacting this way to DV.

TemperamentalAroundCorvids Sat 08-Feb-14 00:15:57

*or male on child

PatrickStarisabadbellend Sat 08-Feb-14 00:16:01

Very worn down Fusspot.

I work full time too. My kids are all under 12 so they can be hard work at times, although they are brilliant.

Please excuse any spelling mistakes which embarrasses me. My darling dad often kept us off school so he could spend our bus fare on fags and fishing equipment.

handfulofcottonbuds Sat 08-Feb-14 00:17:52

You are not a freak. you are a survivor

Totally agree. You have shown such strength, you can do this lovely.

PatrickStarisabadbellend Sat 08-Feb-14 00:18:47

I don't like Dp at all. He makes me feel sick.

I don't want to upset my mum, she's about to have reconstruction surgery on her legs. It'll be the last thing she needs.

My sister has lost the plot so I don't want to burden her.

PatrickStarisabadbellend Sat 08-Feb-14 00:29:14

My dad is now an alcoholic. I haven't seen him for over a year. He's his own worst enemy.
He was abused as a child too.

Abbierhodes Sat 08-Feb-14 00:34:49

Well done for starting a savings account. You sound wonderful to me!
What is your next step? Will you ring WA?

TheCabbywasfastandcarrying Sat 08-Feb-14 00:35:21

You can cry as much as you can it can help some people

won't change anything but can help you get rid of the pressure cosed by stress

Please read back your post and think
It's post of incredibly strong person who came to some kind of breaking point in her life

You would perhaps think it's easy to say /write
But you need to keep strong
look all this terrible stuff in your family

You can change it change the rest for yourself and your kids

PatrickStarisabadbellend Sat 08-Feb-14 00:37:06

I haven't rang women's aid yet. I don't feel ready to say it all out loud if that makes any sense?

It's taken me a lot to write it on here.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 00:39:36

Anyone would break under this pressure but you're not made of glass (or twigs) and you can be fixed.

Please call women's aid.

Please don't feel it is your fault or a family curse either. None of what is happening to you or has happened is your fault and you can live a happy life. You need to take (very small if necessary) steps towards changing the abuse that is continuing to crush you.

Talking on her is good.

Crying is good.

Speaking to women's aid and your mum is good.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 00:46:14

Might take some psychological practice to call women's aid. When I've found this tough I've sometimes spent weeks looking at the number, memorising it, typing it in but not dialling, dialling but cutting off. Don't see stuff like this as a failure but as building up to it because that's what it is, taking small steps towards freedom.

PatrickStarisabadbellend Sat 08-Feb-14 00:48:27

Thank you Offred. It took a few attempts to write my Op.

The plan is to take baby steps. I had a panic attack today with the worry.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 00:51:26

Although that's scary I'm also convinced it's normal and to be expected. Have you had panic attacks before?

PatrickStarisabadbellend Sat 08-Feb-14 00:51:37

I suspect Dp has cheated on me throughout our relationship. I have been tested and I'm in the clear.

Dp has given me bladder infections on a regular basis though due to him having terrible hygiene. God that so embarrassing.

PatrickStarisabadbellend Sat 08-Feb-14 00:52:35

Not as such Offred. I sometimes get palpitations but this was my 3rd full blown panic attack.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 01:00:44

I find trying to do Pilates breathing really helps when a panic attack comes. It means you have a task to focus on and it's a task which helps.

Keep getting it all out on here. What a nasty knobhead he is... Your not-d-p...

PatrickStarisabadbellend Sat 08-Feb-14 01:02:22

He's pretty odd. Today he bought me babyliss big hair because he new I wanted it.

It's so confusing.

PatrickStarisabadbellend Sat 08-Feb-14 01:03:03

I might look into Pilates. Thanks Offred.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 01:05:15

It's part of the cycle of abuse. It serves two purposes to make everyone feel better about him (you, him, his friends, etc) which encourages you to stay in a relationship and to mess with your head I think.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 01:07:51

Pilates has been very good for my anxiety generally and the breathing is especially good. If you can go to a class I'd highly recommend it.

Here's the Wikipedia thing on cycle of abuse

Spychic Sat 08-Feb-14 01:09:49

You are so brave, anyone would be crumbling after what you've been through! Totally get that you don't feel brave though.

Dp buying you babyliss is just him trying to score brownie points. He may sense that you've had enough and wants to be able to say "but I bought you babyliss,I doooooo care...." Fuck off, you deserve so much more!

You deserve a partner who supports you, encourages you, respects your physical boundaries and Oh yeah, DOESN'T HIT YOU NOW OR IN THE PAST...

Keep getting it all out on here and when you're feeling ready to take the next step there will be people to encourage you.

PatrickStarisabadbellend Sat 08-Feb-14 01:12:59

I get a nervous tummy a lot too.

Thanks Spychic. I know I deserve somebody decent but I don't know if I could trust anybody else.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 01:18:26

Don't think about that too much yet it will seem an impossible dream because of how bad things have been and it might make you feel really hopeless.

Women's aid and psychotherapy can help get you to a place where you can trust where it's appropriate but it's a way off. Your future really doesn't need to be condemned by your past you need to get out of this first which is something else that might seem impossible but you've been so strong up till now I'm sure you have the resources to do it.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 01:18:58

In fact you're starting to do it by talking about it.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 01:21:53

Do you think you'll be able to sleep? Assuming you're in the UK?

PatrickStarisabadbellend Sat 08-Feb-14 01:22:39

Yes I am in the uk.

mcmooncup Sat 08-Feb-14 01:24:49

Hi, you have done so well to write all this down.
I know to some people this may all seem amazing and unreal that people have to go through this, but I just wanted to say that I work with people everyday who have similar experiences in life as you have described. You unfortunately are not alone. And it constantly surprises me the number of people I meet who are affected by constant and significant violence yet there has never been any intervention from any agency.

So, for me the first thing is to get it straight for you that there is nothing wrong with you
You are not wired wrongly, you do not deserve this, you are a normal human being, no better or worse than anyone else.
However, you are reacting to a catalogue of cruelty in your life. Humans are hardwired for connection and nurture, when you've not had or got that, things happen.
People I meet who have suffered similar often suffer deep depression, anxiety, PTSD, hideous self-worth....all totally understandable because of the cruelty they have suffered.

For me your first step is getting to a place of safety. As others have said, women's aid will help you and your children get peace away from this pig you live with.

How do you feel about potentially walking away with nothing but gaining peace, safety and a place where you can start to heal yourself and your children?

PatrickStarisabadbellend Sat 08-Feb-14 01:27:05

I would like to walk away mcmooncup. I'm trying to build up the strength.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 01:27:51

Stuff usually bursts out of me late in the evening like this. I think it's often because I'm needing to get it out before sleep but it makes it hard for me to sleep sometimes. Sleeping might help if you can, I think dreaming often helps sort through your feelings. Certainly staying up and getting no sleep won't help, but if you really can't go to sleep try doing some restful things and not beating yourself up about it. Don't have bright lights on, reading, listening to some music if you can and lying down often helps distract me enough to get me to sleep.

PatrickStarisabadbellend Sat 08-Feb-14 01:29:07

Thanks Offred. I've just taken a nytol tablet so I'll be snoozing soon.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 01:33:06

And someone will be posting through the night no doubt if you don't want to be alone. I'm flagging and need to sleep, sorry, I hope you can get some too.

My bf always says "it'll be fine and if it's not fine it'll still be fine", I tell him he's just had a sheltered life but really I know he's right. It will be fine, people are resilient and you're a strong person and you can get through this.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 01:34:08

Ah x-post. Good. I hope it gets to work for you soon.

fusspot66 Sat 08-Feb-14 08:00:07

Good morning PatrickStar. I hope you got some sleep.Sorry I zonked out. Small boy crept into my bed in the night then wakes me with a torch shining in my eyes and a 'knock knock' joke before 7. I hope today you wake calm strong and refreshed. You can also email WA. You could copy and paste your original post into an email if it's too hard to say out loud. I've heard great things about WA and sadly they are very experienced with the harm done by pigs like your partner, and your early years. There Is a lot of help out there for you. Sending you strength and unmumsnetty hugs.

fusspot66 Sat 08-Feb-14 08:00:08

Good morning PatrickStar. I hope you got some sleep.Sorry I zonked out. Small boy crept into my bed in the night then wakes me with a torch shining in my eyes and a 'knock knock' joke before 7. I hope today you wake calm strong and refreshed. You can also email WA. You could copy and paste your original post into an email if it's too hard to say out loud. I've heard great things about WA and sadly they are very experienced with the harm done by pigs like your partner, and your early years. There Is a lot of help out there for you. Sending you strength and unmumsnetty hugs.

PatrickStarisabadbellend Sat 08-Feb-14 09:32:51

Good morning fusspot.
I have a diary that I have kept for years. It has all the dates in which Dp hurt me and I have some pictures.

Im worried that if I call WA they will call ss. I don't like the idea of them getting involved.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 09:42:15


I'd be extremely surprised if WA called SS. However if you call the helpline and you are worried about this just don't give your name or address (they don't normally ask this anyway). If they called SS because people were being abused there's be no need for them and people wouldn't call them. Like most other orgs they IME only refer to SS where there is evidence that someone is at serious risk. Being a victim of abuse is not enough.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 09:43:57

For example when I told them I was concerned xp had left my dc alone to go to the pub they said they were concerned about that but unless I had evidence beyond just a suspicion, they would not report it.

I do not think that Womens Aid would call social services, all calls to them are confidential and are treated as such.

Please call them when it is safe for you to do so. This man you are with is not at all good for you either.

I would look at this website too if you can and call them during next week.

mcmooncup Sat 08-Feb-14 09:50:00

If you are leaving him, SS will only support you.
It's only if you chose to stay that SS will have concern.

Personally I think you need to do this on your own with WA. Your entire family (sisters and mum) are stuck in the abuse cycle and you may find their 'support' to be quite destructive.

Step 1: finding time to call WA.
Write down what you want to say.
"E.g. "I am in a very abusive relationship and I can't take it anymore. Can you help me get out?"

Their first question is generally..."are you in immediate danger?"

What would you reply to that?

PatrickStarisabadbellend Sat 08-Feb-14 09:54:41

I'm not in any danger at the moment. Dp has become very lazy and he's obese. He doesn't touch me anymore but he still orders me about which annoys me more than him hitting me (weird)

He clicks his fingers when I come home from work for me to make him a brew. I find that worse than when he hurts me. I know that's odd but that's how I feel.

minkBernardLundy Sat 08-Feb-14 10:13:08

Patrick his controlling behaviour, treating you as if he is entitled to have you run after him, is emotional abuse. many survivors of DA say the EA is worse than physical abuse. again you are not alone. you are not a freak. you are reacting the way any normal person would to unfair and abnormal treatment.

I know it is hard but do try to reach out to WA. they really are there to help and support you both emotionally and practically.

you can email them if you cannot face phoning them straight off. that might be the baby step that will get you started.

Also if you feel like it do check.out the EA thread in relationships. lots of help and support there too.

thinking101 Sat 08-Feb-14 10:36:22

If you were broken you wouldnt feel how you feel. It is ok to feel as you do given what you have been through.

It is ok.

You maybe suffering PTSD - you cant go through all that and it not bubble over at some point. Would you be able to explain how you felt to your GP - you wouldnt nesscairly need to detail everything. You could print off your post and give to them to read rather having to say it.

Now do you want help to make plans to leave?

I hope you slept, you must be exhausted.

minkBernardLundy Sat 08-Feb-14 10:39:39

Yes. do lean on us/MN Patrick we will offer whatever support we can with your leaving plans, and with anything else we can.

PatrickStarisabadbellend Sat 08-Feb-14 11:27:10

Sorry it's took me awhile to reply.

I have never been on my own my whole life. The thought terrifies me.

minkBernardLundy Sat 08-Feb-14 12:04:15

Patrick it probably terrified you because you have proper telling you your whole life that you won't manage, that you need them and you cannot cope on your own.

Well do you know what, if you can cope whilst putting up with an abusive bastard you can cope ten times more easily on your own.

really, you will love it.

They are not telling you you need them for your own good they are telling you that for their own selfish reasons.

And I know MN is online but you would not be alone, you have MNers to talk to anytime, WA and your dcs and you will also find it easier to have RL friends in your life without an abusive man running the show.

thinking101 Sat 08-Feb-14 12:04:40

This is understandable.

Take your time to get used to the idea. Think about what it would mean to you, to your kids. If necessary use visualisation techniques - see yourself comming home, flicking tv on and cuddling on sofa wihtout that demanding abusive lump there. Talk to posters that have survived EA.

I know ^ isnt the answer to all, just a thought to help you get started..But think about it, IMO you have been on your own in your marriage, you havnt had support from him have you? He sounds like he has drained you.

minkBernardLundy Sat 08-Feb-14 12:04:42

People telling you not proper. soz.

minkBernardLundy Sat 08-Feb-14 12:07:09

Great post thinking
Hold on to that picture Patrick. It isn't being alone. it is being allowed to be your own person know your own space. you get to be yourself.

Women say it all the time on the EA thread. i left him and got myself back.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 12:14:02

Yes, you may be pleasantly surprised. It will not be easy but it will be free. When my xp left it was like I'd been let out of prison. It was scary and exciting at the same time but also hugely hugely precious to me, being free and alone. But it is important that you have regular support. You don't have to do it all completely alone. WA were very important to me at the time.

wallypops Sat 08-Feb-14 14:09:30

OP can I just say that being on your own (with the kids) is bloody brilliant. You will love it, especially after all the awful shit you've been through. Can you imagine coming home and doing exactly what you want? Sleeping peacefully with no fat smelly snoring tosser next to you. Can you imagine pleasing yourself? Making your kids laugh til they cry with some silly trick (our current favourite is some fake poo, which were taking to a party tonight). Seriously life alone after this is going to be truly awesome I promise you. Not necessarily easy but awesomely better than now.

mcmooncup Sat 08-Feb-14 14:11:55

Absolutely take some time to consider what it might be like....just you and your dcs.

Actually yes, at first it will be weird, strange and you'll be scared if you can cope.
However, are there any times when your slobby twat is out of the you get a sense of calm? A 'phew' feeling.
Then when you know he's coming back, a sinking feeling?
It is the calm you will get when you get out....with no dread he is coming back.
The thing is your feelings, needs and emotions have been so suppressed over time, you won't know who you are, what you like, what you takes a while to find those things out after such a prolonged life of mistreatment....therapy will certainly help when you are ready.

Change is hard. But in your case, the initial fear will be worth it. You sound like you don't want to feel like this anymore and you don't have to.

Pheonixisrising Sat 08-Feb-14 14:32:23

you sound like an incredible strong person to me
none of this is your fault and as others have said , if you can cope with all the shit you have managed so far , going it alone will be a breeze in comparison
take it at your own pace if it makes it easier for you . we will all be here . talk to your GP or show them this and explain your worry about ss , they are not all ogres. they may give you something for your panic attacks which are so scary anyway.
you can do this , you just have to be stronger for a bit longer

minkBernardLundy Tue 11-Feb-14 23:57:47

How are you doing now Patrick?

PatrickStarisabadbellend Fri 14-Feb-14 10:00:38

I have asked him to leave. I feel nervous as hell and I have come out in an itchy rash all over my face, but I have don't it!

He was calling me a horrible fucking dog and I just couldn't take it anymore.

Offred Fri 14-Feb-14 10:40:25

Wow! Patrick! Well done! Have you spoken to WA?

TemperamentalAroundCorvids Fri 14-Feb-14 10:54:14

Go you smile (But keep safe)

Well done Patrick xxx

MistressDeeCee Fri 14-Feb-14 11:32:37

OP its the people around you that need fixing. You've been through so much and you're still here, still able to articulate how you feel. I don't know if I could be as strong as you evidently are. Well done to you. There'll be people along with better advice but for now, make 'quiet' arrangements. Speak to Women's Aid and any other organisation you need to - get as much advice and support as possible including housing advice, re. being rehoused as far away from your OH as possible. Get far away. Make a completely new start with your DCs. It may be hard at first but will be an opportunity for a fresh start, building a new, happy, turmoil-free life for you and your DCs. There's support out there if you need to talk, vent, etc. Life isn't a rehearsal I believe we only get 1 shot at it - so start planning towards living the happy life you so deserve.

Wow - you've done so well.
And you've come so far from your original post.

So what is happening now?
Is he leaving?

Next step would be to call the police on 101 number - ask for the domestic violence unit.
Let them know that you have been in an abusive relationship for XX number of years and that you have asked him to leave today.
That way, if anything happens and you dial 999 they can have someone there quickly as they will put you on the priority list.

Keep going and keep strong. Get in touch with womens aid for your next steps.

Thinking of you!

thinking101 Fri 14-Feb-14 14:33:51

Has he left? God I hope so, you will grown and trive wihtout this weed around you I promise.

Stay resilient. smile thanks

Pipachi Fri 14-Feb-14 14:52:45

You are impressively strong! smile

SeptemberFlowers Fri 14-Feb-14 15:55:03

You're doing the right thing thanks

Hope the weekend isn't too stressful x

Feckssake Fri 14-Feb-14 15:57:02

I think you're amazing. How you are still standing after all of that is beyond me and I suspect most of MN to understand. Keep going!

bunchoffives Sat 15-Feb-14 02:55:03

Remember Patrick

If you feel threatened with, or if experience any form of violence ring 999. Straight away. Do not hesitate.

Be the first woman in your family to stop this shit. The police are good at handling violent men now. They will remove him and you can get a non-molestation order to keep him away.

Please tell us you're ok if you can safely. My thoughts are with you and your kids.

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