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Toxic MIL.

(31 Posts)
MommyBird Fri 07-Feb-14 09:21:45

Ive posted a few times. Not going into detail!

Mil, toxic, NC for 6 months, verbal attack on facebook..
I now, have a horrible feeling that she will try and take us to court for access and we're just gathering proof just incase that day comes.

We're about to print off text messages from her, i have diary entries starting from 2010 regarding cancelation of visits. There will be GP reports, counselling records and HV/Midwife reports regarding my PND, anxiey and i have spoken to these people about the stress MIL has caused us.

Is there anything else we should gather together?

Apart from you not liking her is there any reason why you want to limit contact? Isn't it possible your dh could take dc to mil so you don't have to see her?

I think what you already have is more than sufficient but it needs to also go on record now to the authorities. If she is harassing you then this becomes a police matter.

Again your MIL has no automatic rights as a grandparent to see her own grandchildren.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 07-Feb-14 09:37:48

Agreeing with a PP, whatever the ins and outs of the case, there is no right to access for grandparents so any threats of taking you to court are basically hot air. Don't take our word for it, however. Have a chat to CAB or even a solicitor.

sittinginsilence Fri 07-Feb-14 09:38:58

we've been NC with PIL for over 18months now. At 6 months they started court proceedings to see our 2 DDs. Suffice to say it was the most horrendeous experience of my life but with the evidence we had (similar to yours) no contact was recommended and the case was closed.
you have plenty of evidence, just document everything, keep it safe. we only had to go to one hearing where they made us out to be unreasonable and nasty to them but once an independent solicitor interviewed both sides they showed their true colours and along with the evidence we had it was all over.
sorry you're going through this. i hope your DH is supportive and you are in agreement in your stance. i think the hardest part of the process is watching how this has affected him but almost six months since the court decision and I think we are almost over grieving for the family our girls should have had and the parents my DH should have had.
Good luck x

MommyBird Fri 07-Feb-14 09:40:48

Not really.
She refused to not stop smoking when DH took used to take DD1 up there as a newborn...we told her we didnt want smoke around her, then told us not to bother bringing her up. That was 4 years ago.
She came to our house for 3.5 years to see her but would cancel all the time and moan she didnt see DD1.
We had to plan our life around her visits, time/day that was best for her, not us. She loves to guilt trip!

She then treated me like crap when i was heavily pregnant/due dd2. Spoke about reallly private medical procudeures to people in i didnt know. It then got back to DH and when confronted she managed to turn it round and play victim. She was abusive and went weeks without seeing the girls because we couldnt pick her up for many reasons (she lives 20 mins away, early 40s) she then got FIL involved and would ring DH to guilt trip and say we need to make time for MIL....all this whilst i was labour.

She told people i had an eating disorder. I had PND.

Dd1 hasnt mentioned her once in 6 months. Dd1 used to ask her when she was going home when she did come down as she didnt play/interact with her, she was busy drinking tea.

Im doing this to protect my girls.

MommyBird Fri 07-Feb-14 09:45:40

Dh is fuming she did what we did. on facebook, for everyone to see on dd1s birthday of all days. It put a real downer on the day as my anxity went through the roof.

None of her family talk to her and her only son has washed his hands of her.

she did threaten "i will see you soon" when i told her we wanted no contact. If she acts DH said he will ring the police. or should we do it now? the thread was deleted though, i dont argue over facebook or want people seeing my family arguments.

sittinginsilence Fri 07-Feb-14 09:54:43

she can be charged under the communications act if the content of any message - text or voicemail - is threatening.
without the messages though all you could do is inform the police and then keep them informed of any other actions she takes. it will all build as a case of harrassment and could be used as evidence if she goes to court.
you're in a tough place right now as it's difficult to predict what she will do next but just keep everything. if she crosses into doing anything threatening that can be proved then inform the police. they might even be happy to go and give her a verbal warning that her behaviour is being recorded. might make her back off?

LoonvanBoon Fri 07-Feb-14 10:00:52

MommyBird, sorry you're having such a crap time with PIL but I honestly don't think you need to worry about the contact issue.

I read a similar thread where parents were worrying about this, & then some links to Gransnet where there were threads from GPs trying to pursue contact with GC through the courts.

As far as I can work out, there has to be a hearing before they even get the right to go to court to make an application for contact. There's no automatic right of contact. It is a long & expensive process.

The focus is - rightly - on the wellbeing & needs of the children, so the onus is on GP to show that they play an important & valuable role in the lives of their GC. Examples would be if they had provided regular childcare, or seen the GC every week, say, until there was an acrimonious divorce or some trigger that led to contact being denied.

I didn't come across any cases where contact was granted when a couple was together & both agreed that they didn't want the GP in contact with their children because of the GPs' behaviour.

I think GPs who smoked in the presence of their GC would be laughed out of the solicitor's office, to be honest. It also doesn't sound as if there's a shred of evidence of a strong or significant relationship between the GPs / GC in your case.

I don't think your PND etc. would be deemed relevant at all. If your PIL started bringing up issues like that I suspect it would just make them look vindictive & be less likely to be seen as a positive force in their GCs' lives.

Yes, keep evidence just in case, but please don't worry. It's probably an idle, spiteful threat from your PIL that will come to nothing.

MommyBird Fri 07-Feb-14 10:03:44

I think i'll wait till she actually does something. She's very good at 'words' but the lacks the actual 'actions.' DH has allways said she is lazy.

What will really annoy me if she does take this to court, is she HAD access. SHE was the one that couldnt be bothered to make the effort to see them. But cause DH taxied her about she saw them. and the reallllly annoying thing is they have a car!!

If shes been able to organise court..i'll be impressed. She couldnt take responserbility to organise 1 aftetnoon/evening, to see them.

gingermop Fri 07-Feb-14 14:48:04

def keep a diary of all events and any issues/report so its all on record.
my ex mil took me to court for access to my dd, had evidence of harm she had done which included her putting my dd in harms way, still she was granted contact, supervised at first and then she took it bak to court and got unsupervised 1 day a month.
I wish u luck, for us its was a tough tough time, draining emotionally and financially.

MommyBird Sat 08-Feb-14 12:19:00

Is there anyway to get back "old" messages back from Iphone?
The texts we have only go back from October till now and won't load anymore.
DH has said he hasn't deleted any texts, they just won't seem to load.

Logg1e Sat 08-Feb-14 12:31:44

What was the verbal attack on Facebook?

MommyBird Sat 08-Feb-14 12:42:54

She just launched into about how awful we are and cruel. Then started saying we told her not to come down and then a few lies. I kept asking her to inbox me. I corrected her and she then said she will sort it out face to face. I said we didnt want to and she had enough chances.
Then said 'have it your own way' then a few minites later said 'i will see you soon'

Its made me really anxious and ive a few panic attacks (havnt told DH!) I dont want her just turning up, we dont want to see her! Its been a few days and its just playing round in my head as i dont know whats going happen.

Logg1e Sat 08-Feb-14 12:47:20

Why did you reply? Facebook isn't exactly the best medium for such serious discussions and she could hardly of continued for long without you responding.

Your anxiety levels about this are not healthy for you.

MommyBird Sat 08-Feb-14 12:53:49

I deleted it because she actually posted it for everyone to see. I guess because she wanted people to see how we had stopped her seeing the girls.

MommyBird Sat 08-Feb-14 13:01:21

I know i shouldnt of replied but argh. She just made me so angry. I felt so dispapointed myself for replying which is why i deleted it.

My anxiety has been fab for past 6 months. I saw a counseller when i pregnant with dd2. I explained how anxious she made me feel with the abuse/guilt trips etc if she didnt get her own way. She explained we needed to set bounderies and stop worrying about her, she is a grown woman etc. It really helped me. Then when we did that FIl then got involved and started ringing/texting DH about how upset mil was.

She ruined my 1st few weeks with dd1 because of her actions and i refused to let it happen with dd2. We still got guilt trips etc but we just ignored them. Seeing the counseller made me realise her behaviour wasnt acceptable.

Ive been fine since we cut contact. Now its all starting again as it feels like its not finished now.

wouldbemedic Sat 08-Feb-14 13:47:34

OP, I'm sorry to hijack your thread. I have similar concerns and would like to clarify a couple of points made by the wise people on this thread, if I may. My DD has never known my DH's parents. They were incredibly detrimental to the marriage, putting great pressure on DH to divorce me because I wasn't 'as advertised' and writing letters to my parents telling them I hated them and was sexually jealous of my DH and MIL. Tripe. Three counsellors confirmed the letters were vindictive, abusive and fictional. Nevertheless we thought we'd give supervised contact. This fell apart in the first few weeks. We arranged that PIL would visit the hospital the day after the birth after having lunch with my long suffering parents. He accepted but then scheduled a business meeting and demanded another time. He reluctantly came along. When DD was less than two weeks old, he rang my DH up and was aggressive and abusive because my DH wouldn't take my DD on a 100 mile round trip to see MIL's parents that weekend. I was seriously ill and was unable to walk - he knew DH was caring for me and that I'd left the house once since the birth, in an ambulance. When DH calmly explained he wouldn't be taking DD away from me at that stage, PIL protested that I'd been happy enough to leave her when the ambulance arrived. In despair we offered three supervised meetings a year. He spoke about court, his rights and all the friends he had who had achieved contact with grandchildren through the courts, then went on to say he'd never do that. We were spooked and went NC because we understood he'd have no rights at all if he had no evidence of a relationship with DD. I honestly don't think our marriage would survive if we were exposed to that level of stress on a weekly basis. Am I right in thinking they have no legal rights to DD at this point? I worry about what they'd tell her if they ever got hold of her.

Logg1e Sat 08-Feb-14 13:58:42

I know it's easy for an outsider to say this, but there's really no need for you to be so involved with this woman. She's your husband's mother. Detach and distance yourself. And if you think that's difficult ask yourself what the alternative is.

Could you see the counsellor again?

MommyBird Sat 08-Feb-14 15:19:53

The reason she has started on me is because DH is already ignoring her. She thought if she was horrible towards me, DH would text her and defend me. Which he didn't cause we knew it would open the flood gates and there would be communication.

The "i will see you soon" -is aimed at me. To me. Not dh which is why im stressing. He isnt here during the day as hes at work but i am a SAHM.
She is vile, gobby and manipulative.

MommyBird Sat 08-Feb-14 15:22:02

They have no rights at all. They have hardley saw her. Just gone through a few diaries and they have canceled more times than they have saw her.

Logg1e Sat 08-Feb-14 15:25:45

This No Contact approach doesn't seem to be working.

MommyBird Sat 08-Feb-14 15:44:09

It doesnt does it? sad

Should DH text her? Then ignore the reply. We have no idea what to do. This is not a normal person. She doesnt listen to a word we say!

Logg1e Sat 08-Feb-14 15:48:49

Well, my understanding of "no contact" means you don't communicate at all. You don't provide any opportunity for her to hurt your feelings. So no, don't text her. Texting in order to ignore the reply is childish.

Carry on with your lives. Be happy and focus on other things. Do not contact her.

MommyBird Sat 08-Feb-14 15:54:43

Ok. Well we have both blocked her and FIl so fingers crossed. And i will not reply if she does try and get into contact. smile

MommyBird Sat 08-Feb-14 15:56:52

Buttt. Just incase.

Does anyone know how we can get old messages back off iphone?
We only have from October. DH hasn'nt deleted any there just isnt a way for it to load.

Logg1e Sat 08-Feb-14 15:59:43

When will next call her?

MommyBird Sat 08-Feb-14 16:18:45

He wont call her, hes ignored her for months.

We just want the "old" messages back on his phone as proof just incase she takes this to court.

Logg1e Sat 08-Feb-14 16:25:43

Good. Just checking.

pointythings Sat 08-Feb-14 16:43:42

Re iPhone - look on iPhone forums, someone on there is bound to be able to help. No need to explain why, just that you want to retrieve the messages.

MommyBird Sat 08-Feb-14 16:44:42

Thank you.

The ones we have show nothing! Typical.

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