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I have my friend here in tears re her dps behaviour - who is BU?

(79 Posts)
30SecondsToVenus Thu 06-Feb-14 19:16:17

I'm not quite brave enough for AIBU and this is more a relationship topic.

My friend turned up about an hour ago (an hours drive from where she stays, I was shocked to see her) very upset about an argument she has had with her dp tonight. I have asked her if she would like me to ask for advice on here for her and she has agreed, I hope it doesn't confuse things because I'm writing it on her behalf

Background - she has been with him for 9 years, they have 6yo twin boys together. He is a bit of a twat with a drink in him. Very flirty, forgets he isn't single and acts like a teenager. They rarely go out together, he goes out every Friday and Saturday night with 'the lads'. Recently, he has been staying in more and helping more because of the arguments they have been having. He has taken responsibility for his unreasonable behaviour and is trying to make amends. He had an affair about
2 years ago with a woman he met in the pub. She knew fine well he was married and obviously so did he but they started a relationship anyway. My friend found out, they split up but after counselling they decided to move house and start fresh.

Her dp has been invited to a house party tomorrow night in a town 15 miles away from where they live. There is no public transport home after 8pm,its quite rural. He only told her about it tonight and she said that it wasn't really fair etc. She had a look at the event on Facebook (her dps friend had made an event with everyone who was invited displayed) and it turns out the woman he had an affair with will be there.

My friend is very upset that her dp would even consider going to a party when his ex ow would be attending. Especially a house party.

He said he is going and he will be staying over but nothing will happen with ex ow he won't even speak to her etc.

My friend is the first to admit she doesn't Trust him 100% anymore and she definitely doesn't Trust ex ow.

Is she being unreasonable asking him not to go?

I'm trying my hardest to just listen and not give advice but I am so angry with him and can totally see where she is coming from.

Neutral advice would be amazing thank you all in advance

CailinDana Thu 06-Feb-14 19:18:03

My only advice would be for her to dump him.

nosleeptillbedtime Thu 06-Feb-14 19:20:03

I would expect my dh to decline an invitation to this party. Your friend is not being unreasonable.

Flexiblefriend Thu 06-Feb-14 19:21:25

No she's not being unreasonable, but unfortunately it doesn't sound like he gives a toss about her feelings, so he will probably go ahead and do what he wants anyway. From the sound of things she is right not to trust him.

wombat22 Thu 06-Feb-14 19:21:49

It's outrageous that he would even consider going, let alone staying overnight shock

AcrylicPlexiglass Thu 06-Feb-14 19:22:01

Sinbu in the slightest. Poor her. I think if he cannot see why he should not go and does not care how she feels about it then she needs to think seriously about leaving him. He sounds supremely selfish at best and I think it is entirely possible that he is again sleeping with the colleague in question at worst.

AmberLeaf Thu 06-Feb-14 19:22:06

She isn't being unreasonable asking him not to go, but, TBH she also wouldn't be being unreasonable in telling him to leave/ending their relationship.

He knows why she is uncomfortable with this and he doesn't give a fuck.

I'd tell him to go tomorrow night...and keep on going.

ChazzerChaser Thu 06-Feb-14 19:22:15

If they went to counselling and agreed to start afresh that should include her partner being mindful of how he has breached trust previously and so should do everything he can to rebuild that. That includes not going to a party with the woman he cheated with if that is what she asks. She shouldn't need to do more than just say how she feels and ask.

Branleuse Thu 06-Feb-14 19:23:04

She needs to dump him

MyArseIsbiggerThanYours Thu 06-Feb-14 19:23:12

Your friend is not being in the slightest bit unreasonable.
Why hasn't she been invited to the party anyway?
If OW was there and she wasn't I would expect her dh, if he has any respect for her at all, to say no he wouldn't attend and he would understand why she would not want him to.

expatinscotland Thu 06-Feb-14 19:23:21

If he is a DP then he is not married. Nor is she, and should tell him to go fuck off to his party and stay there. Only a twat would go, which he is.

SoleSource Thu 06-Feb-14 19:23:32

He has yet again crossed a line by yet again feeling no respect for your friend's feelings. He has zero respect!

Easy for me to say.. I know but when he is at the party, gather his shit and throw the disrespectful, uncaring, cruel twat OUT!

Seek some therapy...you deserve way better than this miserable, fretful existence.

End it!

Joules68 Thu 06-Feb-14 19:23:38

House party? How old are they all?

cupcake78 Thu 06-Feb-14 19:24:33

Nope not acceptable and if her dh can't see that then he needs to go! He obviously hasn't learnt or grown up.

He should be crawling on his hands and knees to regain her trust. He doesn't give a shit and is out for himself.

On another note, why wasn't she invited to the party too?

AnyFucker Thu 06-Feb-14 19:26:14

Tell her to LTB

Is she so desperate for a man she would tolerate this dickhead ?

Badvoc Thu 06-Feb-14 19:26:23

Yep.
Tell her to LTB.

Inertia Thu 06-Feb-14 19:28:05

Her partner is utterly unreasonable. In his position, if he had any respect at all for your friend or for their relationship he wouldn't even consider going to be the party.

If he was my partner and he went and stayed over with his OW he'd be staying there permanently.

He is being Very U and she is not being U at all.

He should definitely not go, how could he even consider it might be ok to and stay overnight at a party where his ex ow is. I presume if your friend hadn't found out he would still be having the affair with the ow?

magoria Thu 06-Feb-14 19:28:45

He is not a bit of a twat with a drink in him.

he is a selfish cheating wanker. Happy to bugger off out several nights a week leaving his P to do the lions share. Happy enough to cheat.

He clearly thinks he, his wants and desires come before his P.

He hasn't changed since he cheated. He still puts himself first and foremost.

She deserves better.

WeAreDetective Thu 06-Feb-14 19:28:45

Yeah, he is BU. if he has any feelings for her and what he did, he wouldn't go

AGoodPirate Thu 06-Feb-14 19:28:46

Your friend is right to be furious about that.

Viviennemary Thu 06-Feb-14 19:29:29

She is being unreasonable if she even stays married to him. He sounds like a total waste of space. Let him go and make somebody else's life a misery. That would be my advice to her.

AnyFucker Thu 06-Feb-14 19:30:43

Fuck the party. Even if your friend manages to guilt trip him into not going to this "sleepover" just the fact that he even considered it is a dealbreaker (in this context)

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Thu 06-Feb-14 19:31:03

If he's the type to cheat on her (and he is) then whether he goes to the party or not, he'll cheat if he wants to, when the opportunity presents itself.

How someone acts when they are drunk is who they are. Alcohol doesn't change you, it exposes you.

He is saying very clearly that he will do what he wants, go where he wants and it's simply tough luck if she doesn't like it.

well, that's his right of course. She can't force him to stop going out every friday and saturday. She can't make him not attend this house party and stay over with a woman he has previously betrayed her with and she can't make him care that the thought of that is painful for her and brings back heartbreaking memories.

No doubt he believes that he has done so very much and your friend should be grateful that he has started to 'help' (I do love it when they call maintaining their own home and caring for their own children 'helping')

Your friend has to decide whether she is willing to accept all that or not.

KingRollo Thu 06-Feb-14 19:35:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Madlizzy Thu 06-Feb-14 19:35:54

He's not a bit of a twat, he's a complete twat.

meditrina Thu 06-Feb-14 19:36:28

She INBU

It would be better if he had spotted for himself how utterly inappropriate it was for him to accept this invitation. But even when he had been rather dim, once the matter had been brought to his attention, he needs to apologise for his thoughtlessness, get out of the invitation and plan something nice to do with his DW.

If he doesn't realise that his affair changed everything, and that he must never be in touch with the OW again, then the reconciliation is faltering.

mammadiggingdeep Thu 06-Feb-14 19:36:34

I got as far as 'he's out every Friday and Saturday with the lads' before I thought LTB!!!!!!

Seriously- you didn't need to post this!!!!?! He's a totally selfish cock!

If he was my p I'd be telling him if he goes- not to come home...

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Thu 06-Feb-14 19:36:39

It's really simple (though I appreciate not easy, especially with children) - she needs to dump him.

He's not good enough, probably never was, definitely never will be if he thinks this is ok.

No need to deconstruct at all. It should simply tell her all she needs to know.

Do you think she will consider leaving him?

30SecondsToVenus Thu 06-Feb-14 19:37:02

Thanks everyone she is quite upset and I'm going to let her stay here tonight until she is thinking straight. Her dp is off work tomorrow so he can deal with their dcs tonight and tomorrow (they are off school, Scotland holidays)

He is being a twat and he would be staying overnight at this party. The sad thing is, her dp is 39 and it's for his friends birthday. A few drinks and a carry on in the house. You would think they were 16. There is lots of people invited but my friend wasn't invited. Her dps friend seemed to invite just one half of every couple, mix of male and female half. He is married but goes out on the pull regularly. Says it all really.

She has had a wake up call tonight and I can see her heart breaking. I'm going to be here for her tonight as a sound wall and I have plenty of wine and cuddles when she needs them. I know what it's like to be in her situation. It's not nice when you realise a long term relationship has ran it's course sad

30SecondsToVenus Thu 06-Feb-14 19:38:09

Should add that i am making sure she knows that leaving him is an option and I will be here for her every step of the way.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Thu 06-Feb-14 19:38:18

She is not being unreasonable at all to not want him to go. He should decline. The fact he hasn't makes it appear he doesnt have much if any respect for your friend at all. But then given his past behaviour it's hardly a shock.

The fact he didnt mention this woman would be there at the same party and your friend had to find out that important information on the dreaded fb makes me very suspicious of his motives.

She should dump him. Easier said than done I know but she deserves better.

cupcake78 Thu 06-Feb-14 19:42:37

I agree with the people who say if he's going to cheat on her he will. I can almost promise you he has again since the last time.

He hasn't changed his behaviour at all. He's kept your friend 'sweet' so she doesn't suspect.

I know men like this and they all do the same thing. Keep the wife and kids happy and they won't suspect. It's the 'but babe I love you, why would I risk what we have' syndrome.

He will go out and shag about. The drink has no effect on this its just another excuse.

He sounds awful!

YellowTulips Thu 06-Feb-14 19:43:06

I wouldn't even say "if you go to the party don't come back" because the fact he's even considered it, never mind said he intends to go, says to me he's faithless, untrustworthy, uncaring fucking scumbag cunt faced asshole whose ONLY redeeming feature is giving your friend this wake up call to get rid. angry

Yama Thu 06-Feb-14 19:46:01

This 'They rarely go out together, he goes out every Friday and Saturday night with 'the lads'. ' This is the bit when I first wondered why on earth your friend is with this man.

The rest is awful of course but if she doesn't realise this man treats her like she doesn't matter then she is likely not to see her own reasonableness.

Uptheanty Thu 06-Feb-14 19:47:25

I can't believe she has to ask?

He's a complete arse.

If he was my dp and he went- he wouldn't be coming back.

Fairylea Thu 06-Feb-14 19:47:41

I agree with the previous poster who said they got as far as "out every Friday and Saturday" before I was thinking Ltb. He's behaving like a single man.

Of course he shouldn't go to the party! Why the fuck would he deliberately choose to upset his wife by agreeing to go apart from anything else?

Utter utter cock.

ChasedByBees Thu 06-Feb-14 19:48:21

I think LTB is appropriate here. He obviously doesn't give a damn about anyone else but himself and its not exactly a one off.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Thu 06-Feb-14 19:49:54

Yup to the above. Forget the party. Doesn't matter if he goes or not. What's happened so far says it all. She can do so much better, you get ONE life, tell her to STOP wasting it with a slime like this!

The important stuff. They're not married I take it. Do they own or rent? Does she work? How is the money organised and does she have full access? If renting whose name is it in? Tell her to get all important documents together even if she's not sure what to do yet.

Does she have support - family, friends close by, the type who will be able to help with childcare, moving, even money to get her sorted if she leaves? Ask her about these things, get her thinking about HOW she can leave as well as why she should. Because she can.

SoleSource Thu 06-Feb-14 19:51:11

Chuck him out whilst he is at the party. Take control. If you tell him of your plans you won't feel control. Stay with 30Seconds as long as you can, pick up the children on Saturday, do not speak to him and then on Saturday night bag his stuff and leave it outside. Change ALL of the locks..

ChippingInWadesIn Thu 06-Feb-14 19:51:27

Leaving him in not 'an' option, it is 'the only option' if she wants to have a happy life and if she doesn't want her twins to think this is how men should treat women.

I hope you can help her to have the courage to do it. She wont regret it.

He didn't tell her OW would be there. That says it all.

And I bet the sudden change, staying in at weekend and helping out, we're just to get brownie points built up so there would be absolutely no reason he couldn't go.

He's planning to do it again.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Thu 06-Feb-14 19:58:09

He cheated on her which is bad enough but he is just treating her with zero respect. People don't do things they want to do if it causes their husband/wife upset. Think on, Op's friend sad.

shoom Thu 06-Feb-14 20:02:12

L
T
B

cupcake78 Thu 06-Feb-14 20:03:41

Definitely planning to do it again. I hope your friend can see this!

He's a total knob and probably always will be. She needs to ltb.

Fucks sake. LTB.

In fact if he goes to the party, it's super easy. Tell him not to come back, and change the locks.

Logg1e Thu 06-Feb-14 20:06:22

God, yes. I'd let him go to the party and then text him not to bother coming back.

Nanny0gg Thu 06-Feb-14 20:07:45

Every Friday and Saturday?

No.

An invitation to a friend's birthday party without his partner?

No.

Wanting to go without his partner?

LTB.

Sorry.

GimmeDaBoobehz Thu 06-Feb-14 20:15:32

I agree with everyone else on here.

He isn't a twat with a drink in him because that would to me be him saying a few swearwords and bringing up embarrassing things whilst drunk. If you cheat/act inappropriately whilst drunk you just don't drink and that is that.

Or you drink at home with your partner, if you are going to drink.

She's not being unreasonable not to trust him and I think it should be left to this:

1) He respects her and doesn't go to the party and they have more discussions on how their relationship is going to work in the long run with this.
2) He goes to the party and she puts up with his crap, because she loves him and doesn't want to rock the boat.
3) He goes to the party and she may love him but is not willing to put up with his crap/to be a bad influence on her children and leaves his things at the door when he arrives back.
4) She tells him that if he does go, she will chuck his things out.

I'd love 1 to be the case but it looks like 2 or 3 will happen. I hope 3 will, because she doesn't deserve to be being mucked about like this by a man who claims to love her.
I say claims because he's had an affair, so her feelings haven't been given much consideration really and I don't mean this to be harsh - but anyone who is willing to cheat is thinking of their own needs and wants and nothing of their partner.
They may be remorseful but unfortunately damage has already been done.

I hope your friend makes the right decision for herself.

Aliwithtwins Thu 06-Feb-14 20:19:22

I don't normally comment on these threads, as I've not much experience with broken relationships, but that is such an unkind thing for him to do! and she deserves some who is kind to her. Id suggest she needs to prioritise her boys and her own needs and start planning a fresh new future. Shes lucky to have a friend like you and I hope, if nothing else, she's learnt she's got a least one person she can rely on to get her through this. Good luck.

30SecondsToVenus Thu 06-Feb-14 20:22:10

Sorry it took so long to answer

They currently rent their home, the lease is in her name only so he has absolutely no right to be there. They both work so she can afford to run the house alone and I'm pretty sure she will qualify for tax credits and housing benefit if he goes.

He just called her and told her to get home. She refused and has now switched her phone off for the night. The boys will be fine, he is a good parent to them in terms of looking after them.

He's a knob, she knows this and she is very embarrassed because she was so sure he had changed and now feels stupid. Of course she isn't, men like him are very good at what they do. If anyone remembers my threads you will know I've been through similar recently so I'm here for her whatever she decides. I also hope she kicks him out but I'll be there for her whatever

mammadiggingdeep Thu 06-Feb-14 20:25:58

She's lucky to have you as a friend. I hope she realised she can do it alone. She deserves much, much better...

KingRollo Thu 06-Feb-14 20:26:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shoom Thu 06-Feb-14 20:27:57

Good update, maybe some time away from him will help. Has her self-confidence taken a bashing while with him?

Inertia Thu 06-Feb-14 20:28:35

AF is right that actually going to the party isn't even the deal breaker. The issue is that he fully intended to spend the night (in at least the literal sense, and possibly also euphemistic sense) with the OW and lie about it to your friend. The intention is the deal breaker.

Redoubtable Thu 06-Feb-14 20:30:24

As above- dump, and consider herself well rid.

At some point (hopefully when she has gotten rid of the waste-of-space), she's going to have to ask herself, where or how she learned that she cant do better than this. She needs to have more value on herself.

Oh and if she wont do it for herself, ask her to consider that her children are growing up seeing that it is ok for a man to treat, and a woman to be treated, like this.

Inertia Thu 06-Feb-14 20:31:36

Sorry cross posted with your update.

Glad your friend is considering her options. You sound like a great friend.

SoleSource Thu 06-Feb-14 20:33:35

Of course it isn't the party. The fact he doesn't give a flying fuck about respectful boundaries and how his disgusting suggestion might make you feel is the deal breaker.

"Get home" who the fuck does he think he is?

Get home so he can go to the pub?

Hmm yeah right....

Maybe say you are going out on Saturday with children, stay out all day hope he fucks off to party then throw the fuckhead out!!!

TippiShagpile Thu 06-Feb-14 20:34:12

How old is he? 19?

Out every Fri and Saturday night?

A "house party"

Can't get home.

Pathetic. Truly pathetic.

Run OP's friend, run.

SoleSource Thu 06-Feb-14 20:35:42

Who is he with every Fri & Sat night? huh?.....

AnyFucker Thu 06-Feb-14 20:36:31

"Get home" ???

get to fuck, knobhead is the only sane response to that, then turn the phone off

AnyFucker Thu 06-Feb-14 20:37:52

OP, you sound like a great friend

Twighlightsparkle Thu 06-Feb-14 20:38:56

So sorry your friend is going though this.

Honestly, I can't see this ending well.

This must be hard for you, but I think she needs to ak him to choose which lifestyle he wants.

KingRollo Thu 06-Feb-14 20:40:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LilyBlossom14 Thu 06-Feb-14 20:40:44

she should have got rid after the first affair - I bet there have been others. She needs to get rid of him yesterday. Hope she realises she deserves better.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Thu 06-Feb-14 20:42:34

She needs to leave him whether or not he goes to the party. For her DCs' sakes as well as for her own.

piklepants Thu 06-Feb-14 20:46:20

Definitely dump him. What's the alternative? Spend every wknd doing everything by herself wondering if and when the next affair will be? She deserves much better. Tell her that! Show her she shouldn't put up with it

Theoldhag Thu 06-Feb-14 20:59:29

I would advise your friend to sign up to mn, make an exit plan and get rid of this 'man'.

One day when she has found all the bits of her psyche that this 'man' has hacked off from her, she will find someone that will treat her with love and respect that she deserves.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 06-Feb-14 21:02:47

He is acting like a single man.

AlfAlf Thu 06-Feb-14 21:20:43

If this was my dh I would think:

1.He has no regard for my feelings or our relationship whatsoever.

2.Why is he friends with someone who invites him but not me to their party? His friend is clearly a wanker, birds of a feather, etcetera..

3.He can fuck off to the far side of fuck and when he gets there he can fuck off some more.

rainbowsmiles Thu 06-Feb-14 21:29:20

What an utter prick.

feelingvunerable Thu 06-Feb-14 21:39:52

I agree with everyone else, your friend deserves so much better.

CookieDoughKid Thu 06-Feb-14 21:42:26

WTF?!!

This manchild needs to be brought down a notch or two. Outrageous to think he can go by just asking night before. Utterly wtf kick him out to the kerb for even THINKING it be ok to go with OW. being there.

Please please show him this thread. Because I'm thinking he has completely lost his way or what is or isn't acceptable anymore.

Make it clear to him.

Zero tolerance.

Fudgeface123 Thu 06-Feb-14 21:55:36

If he has to go, and I don't think he should, why couldn't he get a taxi home? It's only 15 miles away, not the the other side of the country

YellowTulips Fri 07-Feb-14 00:27:29

Get home....really?

I guess that's because he is missing his usually Friday night haunt.

What an utter knobhead.

If I was your friend I wouldn't go back until Sunday. She needs to start seizing control from this disrespectful asshole.

On Monday I'd be at the Solicitors, come home, change the locks and dump his crap on the lawn (whilst praying for rain).

Happy she has some (wonderful) RL support in you OP thanks

ChippingInWadesIn Fri 07-Feb-14 00:47:53

'Get home' pfft. She did exactly the right thing switching off her phone.

Be prepared ... If anyone remembers my threads you will know I've been through similar recently... for him to use you and your situation against you, to tell her that you just want her to 'be like you' and that 'the grass isn't greener' etc.

I really, really hope she is strong enough to kick him out.

AngelaDaviesHair Fri 07-Feb-14 13:07:34

He's only half-married, if that. He has a social life set up to exclude your friend; he had an affair, and expressed remorse but didn't actually make any of the kinds of changes one would expect if he truly regretted it; he's now doing hurtful things designed to give him the opportunity to cheat (overnight party where lots of married people meet up without their partners? Ahem). Your friend is more nanny/housekeeper than wife really.

Her options are put up with it or tell him to leave. I can't see that trying to get him to make changes will work, because it doesn't sound as though he wants to make changes.

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