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Dp has upset me....

(54 Posts)
Only1scoop Thu 06-Feb-14 16:46:34

Recently my birthday and I was upset to see dp scurrying out of the house to get a last minute card and gift on the morning.
Meanwhile our dd 3.5 was opening my cards with me and said "mummy I havn't got a card for you" and was a bit upset. So we sat and made one together. Dp comes back like bedraggled rat from the rain. Takes dd upstairs proceeds to wrap gift and write cards.
We have had a tough end of year and l expected a little more thought....I'd have loved him to take dd to buy or make a little gift and card....not rush around on the day.
Last year on my 40th he did the same....naff bad taste card.
He does work away quite a bit, but certainly has time to organise. This is someone who use to spend hours choosing cards/gifts.
He did book last minute theatre tickets but I just didn't want to go....it really upset me.
Yes he is great in so many ways....childcare, housework etc. He has apologised....but he did the same last year, so it just doesn't wash with me.
I know I'm being overly sensitive aren't I?

TheBeautifulVisit Thu 06-Feb-14 16:50:32

No you aren't being overly sensitive. It's very disappointing. Especially if you voiced your disappointment last year.

Jan45 Thu 06-Feb-14 16:52:15

Nope, you're not, he never learned last year either or this wouldn't have happened again, it's little things like this that grow resentment and anger towards your OH, a half hearted attempt just doesn't wash, it makes you feel like he really couldn't be bothered so you're entitled to feel sensitive.

I was going to say maybe he's just bad at stuff like that and look at all the stuff he is good at but you say he never used to be this way, hopefully your reaction might help it not happen again.

I'd move on from it now though, sure he knows your were disappointed.

Only1scoop Thu 06-Feb-14 16:57:58

Beautiful and Jan thanks....And yes you are right I have got to let it go. So Many more important things going on in the world....it just really hurt.

LEMmingaround Thu 06-Feb-14 16:58:01

So he got up, went out in the rain, bought you a present and booked tickets for the theatre and you are pissed off? hmm

CreditCardProblemS Thu 06-Feb-14 17:01:05

Sorry op but I agree with LEM. I'd be over the moon if my DP did that for me!

Only1scoop Thu 06-Feb-14 17:04:27

I said a gracious 'thank you' for my damp freshly licked 'smutty' card
Though.
But I was a bit pissed off yes. More that the 2nd year running he hasn't just taken dd like I do when it's his birthday/Christmas to get a little card/gift. She enjoys stuff like that.

Gossipyfishwife Thu 06-Feb-14 17:04:27

I know exactly how you feel. My ex frequently forgot my birthday or left cards or presents to the very last minute so he ended up with something that was clearly not thought out.

I ltb. This behaviour was indicative that he really had checked out of the relationship.

FourAndDone Thu 06-Feb-14 17:08:01

Stop been all woe is me. If you knew he had form for this then you should have sent him yesterday with dd to get mummy a present.
Your not 5 anymore, get a grip.

Only1scoop Thu 06-Feb-14 17:08:49

Gossipy yes....I feel that sometimes... The beautiful cards I've had over the years....the thought going into stuff.
I know life changes when dc come along but I do feel 0 effort on his part. Yes he bought theatre tickets but sat on his ipad booking them on my actual birthday. Saying "sorry not much choice left".

Only1scoop Thu 06-Feb-14 17:10:32

I won't be "sending him anywhere" he's a grown man ....I won't be sending him out to get me a gift on behalf of dd

Jan45 Thu 06-Feb-14 17:14:02

He's a grown man yet the OP should be sending him out with DD to get her a card, seriously.......the OP would be just as well going out and buying her own bloody card in that case.

Only1scoop Thu 06-Feb-14 17:17:15

I wouldn't have cared if he had of wrapped up half a Mars bar and let her make a card out of a weetabix box. If she had been involved. If he had always been thoughtless then I guess it wouldn't bother me as much.

Jan45 Thu 06-Feb-14 17:19:04

I also think to sit on his laptop in front of you on your b/d trying to book tickets is another slap in the face.

Anyway, you're moving on from it now, when's his b/d, why not give him the same treatment?

gamerchick Thu 06-Feb-14 17:20:37

It's a horrible feeling to feel like an afterthought and despite people on this thread who obviously may be quite happy being thrown a few scraps on their birthday, I don't blame you for feeling a bit hurt if it's been 2 years in a row. Especially if effort was made in the years before that.

It's Easy to get a bit too comfy in a relationship if you've been together for a while but it doesn't mean that it should be the way it is from now on.

I would be having a feeling took for granted conversation heart to heart at some point.

Happy birthday.

LEMmingaround Thu 06-Feb-14 17:20:49

Oh well then, yes, do, leave him - how dare he get your b-day present at the last minute, he clearly has zero respect for you, can't be arsed - next year you'll get a bunch of flowers from the garage and he'll be shagging other women left right and centre. Yes, its a very very bad sign - i'd get a lawyer quick sharp. What a bastard.

alternatively, accept that he was a bit crap about it, go and enjoy the fecking theature and get over yourself?? When was yoru birthday?

FourAndDone Thu 06-Feb-14 17:21:00

He got you a card and theatre tickets (and another gift presumably as you said he went upstairs to wrap gifts) so why are you moaning? Because you didn't have it as soon as you woke up?

LadyFlumpalot Thu 06-Feb-14 17:21:34

My DP has form for this - vanishing to Tesco on the morning of my birthday in a panic.

Read him the riot act last year, pointed out that my birthday is on the same day every year, it doesn't sneak up on him and that all I ask is a little thought, same as I do for his and his family's birthday.

Must have sunk in as he started planning my birthday this year in January! grin

Only1scoop Thu 06-Feb-14 17:22:45

Jan45 yes I'm moving on....shouldn't still be picking the scab.
It's his birthday in April....I will take dd to get him a little gift and we will make him a card. She will like that.
I won't be pushing the boat out though no wink

Thebluedog Thu 06-Feb-14 17:23:54

I'd be very upset. As you say, it's not what he's got you, it's the lack of thought and effort put in.

It sounds like he's not getting why it's upset you. I think you're entitled to be upset and yes while it's nice that he got you something at all, it wasn't that you wanted him to get you something, you just wanted him to think about it. And I think that is fair, especially as he's done it in the past and seems to have stopped.

Maybe it's worth having a conversation, not so much about the birthday in general but just saying that it would be nice if, sometimes, he put the same effort into the relationship now that he did when you were dating. I'm sure he is busier now you have DC and I think it's important for you to acknowledge that but just remind him that it was one of the things that made you fall for him perhaps?

If he is genuinely forgetful don't worry, am sure in a year or two DD will start reminding him for you grin

I really think it's a personality thing and it's totally irrelevant that some people would be happy with an effort thrown together on the day.

Theatre tickets were a nice touch I think though and probably a sign that he did genuinely feel bad.

Tryharder Thu 06-Feb-14 17:27:24

I suppose you can't help how you feel but I think you are allowed to be disappointed at birthdays up until the age of 21 and then when you are a 100.

Grown women (and men) sulking because of a perceived slight is just a bit...wrong.

Go and enjoy yourselves. Don't spoil your night out by sulking.

LEMmingaround Thu 06-Feb-14 17:27:54

"Yes he is great in so many ways....childcare, housework etc"

!

Please don't make an issue of this - just tell him, come on buster - bit more effort next time, ok?

One year my DP didn't buy me a present - i was really upset, but he just coudlnt think what to get me and thought we could go out at a later date and buy something, didn't really have the money to shove in a card. I stropped and sulked and ruined the day we had at the zoo planned with DD - i look back and can see quite clearly who was being the arsehole on that day.

Saying that - he has always been better about the birthdays since, but that i think is because DD is 8 now and insists on going and chosing the presents with him. I have her well primed!

Jan45 Thu 06-Feb-14 17:30:17

It would've been more an issue to me last year, on my 40th, that's quite an important b/d.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Thu 06-Feb-14 17:35:34

I have form for this.

I'm indecisive anyway and birthdays just send me into a frenzy of 'what'll I get?' So then I do nothing til it's too late.

I think I'm quite nice the rest of the time tho.

Only1scoop Thu 06-Feb-14 17:57:29

Great replies everyone thank you. Seems i'm not alone in the odd birthday dissapointment....I feel much better getting it off my chest....

Jan 45
Yes my 40th....did feel a bit sad when the 'national trust membership' came 3 days late <with free gardening gloves though>blush
....not knocking NT love all that stuff but thought I might have got a wee bit of bling instead....

Theoldhag Thu 06-Feb-14 21:23:11

How are you feeling only? I am sorry that your dp behaved in a thoughtless way thanks, it is understandable that you feel hurt by his lack of effort, foresight and feeling towards your birthday. It isn't much to ask is it? A pretty homemade card with some heartfelt words and a little special gift to symbolically show you that he cares.

You have every right to feel upset, he should have put some time aside before your birthday to focus on a wee something just for you. Not a last minute afterthought.

SweetiePie0 Thu 06-Feb-14 21:39:44

I received a wind up torch and travel mug from the garage for my birthday - was very upset to say the least, but let it go.... Months later on his birthday, he opened up 5litres of engine oil and air freshener from the same garage - he gives my gifts a lot more thought these days!!

Only1scoop Thu 06-Feb-14 21:42:16

The....thanks for understanding....yes just a tiny bit of thought would have been nice....

Sweet....that's really funny I bet his face was a picture grin

Logg1e Thu 06-Feb-14 21:51:33

Did you remind him it was your birthday? I'm not excusing his thoughtlessness, but if it's important to you for your daughter to be involved and to have some little, thoughtful surprises you could remind him a couple of times the week before.

In April I would be tempted to wake up on his birthday and explain you'll be buying his card and making one with your daughter in time for him getting home that night.

Only1scoop Thu 06-Feb-14 21:54:39

Logg....yes he did know ....my friend in NZ had sent flowers which came the fri before <birthday was Sunday>

I will be doing that in April good idea grin

Logg1e Thu 06-Feb-14 21:58:48

But had you said, "It's really important to me to open cards and a couple of thoughtful token gifts on the morning of my birthday because it makes me feel cherished"? Did you spell it out to him?

Only1scoop Thu 06-Feb-14 22:03:58

I didn't spell it out to him. I think he knows after my 40th last year did the exact same thing then....I was quite upset by it then to be honest....
Always the most thoughtful man in the world ....until last couple of years....

Logg1e Thu 06-Feb-14 22:12:22

Well, you can either clearly communicate or you can expect him to read your mind and continue to be upset and let the resentment grow.

Theoldhag Thu 06-Feb-14 22:16:43

How has it been between you both these last couple of years?

Only1scoop Thu 06-Feb-14 22:27:43

It's been ok ....we just kind of tick along. Never really get out together. Just a bit in a rut I guess. I have sat down and talked to him about a few things and we are both keen to try and make things better.

Finney2 Thu 06-Feb-14 22:41:03

Logg1e you expect the OP to give her husband advanced notice of her own birthday every year? Surely the date is, well, the same every year?!

She's told him it's important to her by being upset last year (and FFS she shouldn't have to actually tell him that he shoukd make sn effort for her birthday) and he's basically ignored that.

Theoldhag Thu 06-Feb-14 23:03:34

I wonder if the two of you would benefit from having some different and fun experiences together, re-connect in a inner child kind of thing. Bit like team building, paint balling, treasure hunts, I don't know, something that will encourage playfullness between you. Get out of that rut, but he needs to make an effort too.

Only1scoop Fri 07-Feb-14 00:40:21

Yes probably do need a bit of fun....even though spontaneity goes out of the window when you have a dc I know this isn't healthy. Good point.... Thanks

Some people just aren't very bothered about adult birthdays, at least if they don't have an 0 at the end. Does he expect a fuss to be made of his birthday?

CouthyMow Fri 07-Feb-14 01:19:22

SGB, it shouldn't matter if HE isn't that fussed by Birthdays - it's important to the OP, and it matters to her. To show your life and care for someone, you pay attention to the things that THEY find important, even if they wouldn't be so important to you...

May have issues about Ex becoming more and more useless about my Birthdays having previously been really good, which evidenced the fact that get had mentally 'checked out' of the relationship, and what mattered to me was no longer important to him...

CouthyMow Fri 07-Feb-14 01:19:54

Show your life = show your love.

Monty27 Fri 07-Feb-14 01:24:35

It doesn't matter if they're not fussed about birthdays, they're probably fussed enough about other stuff. But dw and dm of dd is a different thing, who clearly is hurt by this.

OP, I know where you're at. sad

flowers

BlodynRose Fri 07-Feb-14 02:13:18

How is your relationship. Does he tell you and show you that he loves you?

Only1scoop Fri 07-Feb-14 08:39:09

Thanks for replies....
No I don't think he expects a fuss over his birthday....certainly didnt want a fuss made of mine, just a tiny bit of thought.
Generally relationship just ticks along.

GlitzAndGiggles Fri 07-Feb-14 08:45:02

A couple years back my dp had to go out for the morning on my birthday and I had naff all to open. When he got back he went in the cupboard where the cleaning products are stored and told me my cards there. I asked why and he said because he thought I would've gone in that cupboard that day shock. Yes cleaning is what excites me on my birthday, love

Quitelikely Fri 07-Feb-14 08:51:08

I don't get a present and sometimes buy my own card if it makes life easier for my dh. It's no biggie. Yeah it might be nice if he sorted it himself but its not a deal breaker for me.

You have so many positives in your relationships so if I were you I would focus on them.

Joysmum Fri 07-Feb-14 09:57:56

I think this might be because his birthdays aren't that important to him. This is something I had when in the early days of my DH.

The only way is to explain how special it feels to you for him to celebrate you (as birthdays are to celebrate the person, not the day) once a year, and how hurt you feel when he doesn't.

From that he should do something because making you happy is his job as your husband, even if it's not his thing.

Overthinkerzzz Fri 07-Feb-14 10:22:43

I can definitely understand why you are upset. Your daughter was upset that she didn't have an opportunity to give you a card.

And I can't imagine ever forgetting my partners birthday. It's one fucking day. A day to treat your loved one so yes, I would be pissed

BlodynRose Fri 07-Feb-14 19:12:02

I think it's important to make a fuss of people on their birthdays if they like that. I do and my DH goes to town. Banner, cake, lots of presents and out to dinner. He on the other hand hates hid birthday and wants nothing special at all.

Deathwatchbeetle Fri 07-Feb-14 19:37:10

I liked Sweetie's revenge!

These posts remind me of an advert (not sure what for - possibly cards). The woman takes hours looking for a suitable valentine's card in a shop for her partner. He dashes into the local garage shop , shrugs "this'll do" at the nearest card and of course she is thrilled that he remembered.

Wordsaremything Fri 07-Feb-14 19:50:44

How were birthdays celebrated when you were a child, op? And in your husband's family? Were you fussed over or ignored? Were you involved in the present-choosing/making for your parents as this seems very important to you?

For example I was taught never to expect anything and to do so was wrong. To this day I find giving and receiving presents exceptionally hard. Especially if I have to open them in front of others.

For you, gift giving has a very different significance, which is why I'm asking.

Only1scoop Fri 07-Feb-14 21:00:59

Thanks for all your replies much appreciated....
Not really that fussed re gifts etc ....more the lack of interest in involving dd.
No big deals of birthdays ever made growing up. Dp used to pull out all the stops ....we have been together almost 7 years so it doesn't seem like that long ago.
He came home tonight and we had a good chat about both making more efforts and he apologised again for his lack of thought regarding my birthdays....
He is a really kind, good man and an amazing daddy. I know I am so lucky in many ways.

Thanks again everyone

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