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To stop seeing this man...(red flags?)

(47 Posts)
HandN Thu 06-Feb-14 06:18:11

I've namechanged, but only jigged a couple of letters around so you should be able recognise me.

I've not long left a crap relationship myself, I have 2 children. I have met someone else...

We met about a month ago, exchanged lots of texts, meet up usually every other day, have had sex a few times. When we're together I literally can't breathe, he gives me butterflies and I've had that with anyone before, here's where the problem lyes...

He only broke up with his ex a day before we met, he also has 2 young dc (obviously not a problem). Everytime we are together he gets call after call from his ex, usually abuse. He has his own place but he says ex won't let him have his dc so he goes to hers after work and stays the night everytime which I find bizarre, apparently she doesn't let him leave. He doesn't communicate with me while he's there. I've suggested he gets solicitor advice if she won't allow him to have his own dc out of her sight.

Anyway, the point is I'm feeling used, I don't really know where I stand with him, he says he wants me but I'm not so sure. I'm feeling like knocking the whole thing on the head before it gets any further. What do you think?

Extremewife Thu 06-Feb-14 06:23:31

I think you are right trust your instinct

Lottapianos Thu 06-Feb-14 06:25:40

Trust your gut feeling. Way too much hassle for such early stages IMO. I would just walk away now

TeeBee Thu 06-Feb-14 06:25:54

I would tell him to give you a call when he has sorted his life out. All too much hassle too early on. She 'makes' him stay??? Right yeah.

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName Thu 06-Feb-14 06:28:33

I agree, tell him to call you when he's sorted his life out

LucyLocketX Thu 06-Feb-14 06:29:57

Massive red flag! Sounds like he hasn't totally ended his relationship with her yet.

If you're feeling like he's using you it's because he is.

goshhhhhh Thu 06-Feb-14 06:42:32

Are you sure they have actually split up?

Logg1e Thu 06-Feb-14 07:27:16

Why did you do/explain this,

I've namechanged, but only jigged a couple of letters around so you should be able recognise me.

justdrankacappuccino Thu 06-Feb-14 07:44:18

I think you know the answer, don't you?

1974rach Thu 06-Feb-14 07:52:03

End it. Now.

He ended his previous relationship the day before he met you - Red Flag!

IME if you are feeling used then you probably are.

AnyFucker Thu 06-Feb-14 07:55:47

Run. Far too much baggage and he is probably still sleeping with her.

You are the OW, sorry

minmooch Thu 06-Feb-14 08:16:02

He is not available. Run far and fast.

You are not long out of a crap relationship? Be kind to yourself, enjoy being in your own. Re-establish your self esteem and raise that bar. Otherwise you fall into the same trap time and again.

The last thing you need only two months out of a crap relationship is yet another relationship and this one is also crap.

What is the longest period of time you have spent on your own without a man in your life?. Are you really that desperate to have a man because losers like this current bloke can smell that a mile off and will use and exploit such women who also have low self esteem and self worth to the full. This current man needs the boot, there is far too much baggage here and complications.

Love your own self for a change and work on you. I would also suggest you enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme as it is designed for women who have been in abusive relationships.

I was wondering what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up because I think you learnt a lot of rubbish. You need to unlearn all the crap you have learnt about relationships to date otherwise you will just end up repeating the same old relationship errors over and over. You have children as well, what do you yourself want to teach them about relationships here?.

HandN Thu 06-Feb-14 12:49:42

Attila, you are spot on!

To try and answer some questions, I told you about my name change because under my usual name I have written a lot about past relationships.

You are right, I do need to figure myself out, I haven't really ever been on my own! This is the first time I've spotted red flags myself so early on, tbh I'm almost sort of proud of myself in a odd way.

I will be leaving this idiot well alone, thank you all for your advice, I do think my gut instinct is right here smile

Jan45 Thu 06-Feb-14 13:01:40

I would guess he's still having a relationship with her, why else is he staying over, every chance they are still sexual with each other.

Seriously, you are worth so much more than this, tell him to get in touch when he is actually single.

Dahlen Thu 06-Feb-14 13:13:56

God yes, stop seeing him.

Even if he is actually split up from her (and like everyone else, I doubt it), he clearly hasn't even begun to sort out the mess that's created and therefore isn't remotely well placed to begin another relationship.

You can do so much better, probably by being alone for a while.

Rightallalong Thu 06-Feb-14 14:07:55

This could be my Ex. He's lying to you. He's not removed himself from the family unit yet so yes, keep your distance.

He's not in the right place to start a new relationship is he? A good man would separate properly with no one else involved and sort out his shit before even looking at another woman.

He could well be having sex with his ex too. Mine has been with me.

BuzzardBird Thu 06-Feb-14 14:13:44

I had someone who played me along with this story for a month or so until I realised they hadn't actually split at all. He had his own flat too, convenient that for extra marital shannigans.

Granville72 Thu 06-Feb-14 14:29:31

End it and both of you have some breathing space.

Don't shut the door completely, but say to him that when he's in a better place (and you for that matter) and he's baggage free from his ex then maybe you could meet for a coffee and see if you'd both like to try again.

But definitely cool it off until you can be sure it's over with her and he's ready to start a proper relationship

AskBasil Thu 06-Feb-14 14:34:08

HandN, well done on spotting this bloke so early on.

Don't spend any more of your valuable time on him.

Onwards and upwards.

HandN Fri 07-Feb-14 09:30:15

I saw him last night, said what I wanted to say, he said he's happy to wait until all his stuff is sorted.... odd! He then went on to show me texts between him and his ex.

Bit weird! But I have now removed myself from the situation smile

Joysmum Fri 07-Feb-14 09:53:42

Self preservation, good for you and the right thing to do.

HandN

Re your response to me:-
"You are right, I do need to figure myself out, I haven't really ever been on my own! This is the first time I've spotted red flags myself so early on, tbh I'm almost sort of proud of myself in a odd way".

Good, this is indeed progress.

You have also removed yourself from this situation which is also good.

Love your own self for a change and work on you more through counselling to unlearn all the rubbish you have learnt to date. I would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood as that could help you as well.

LilyBlossom14 Fri 07-Feb-14 10:07:25

Good for you - you deserve so much better than being the OW

You can also do the Freedom Programme online for free - I found it invaluable.

Freedom Programme

HandN Fri 07-Feb-14 12:45:49

Thank you all smile

I will take a look at the freedom programme and will get 'woman who love too much' from amazon.

It's defiantly my time now.

Scarletohello Fri 07-Feb-14 12:49:27

Good for you for recognising red flags, asking for an objective opinion and LTB!

LilyBlossom14 Fri 07-Feb-14 13:12:08

I post this constantly, but you can do it online free Here if you wish.

AmazingJumper Fri 07-Feb-14 13:51:40

It's not unreasonable for him to still have blurred boundaries with his ex - things can be complicated when a LTR breaks down.

Good to cool it off and it sounds like he agrees, I don't get why you think that is odd?

HandN Fri 07-Feb-14 13:58:42

Odd because he's being persistent in perusing something with me, when I've made it clear not to contact me until he's sorted smile

Offred Fri 07-Feb-14 14:03:05

You can do the freedom programme online btw but is not a substitute for proper RL support from WA I would say.

Offred Fri 07-Feb-14 14:03:48

Oops! Wrong thread!

AmazingJumper Fri 07-Feb-14 14:09:42

But he's said he'll wait till it's sorted?

HandN Fri 07-Feb-14 14:47:47

Yes he said that last night, now he's text me 12 times already today.

AnyFucker Fri 07-Feb-14 17:19:27

Ignore him. Does he not understand you have ended the relationship. You have, haven't you ?

HandN Fri 07-Feb-14 18:14:51

Yes AF I have, I haven't even text back today, feel kind of mean.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Fri 07-Feb-14 18:34:43

It is not mean, HandN, it is called a boundary. That he is not respectful of it is him being mean...entirely his problem. Well done on not responding!

HandN Fri 07-Feb-14 19:15:36

Thanks andthebandplayedon smile

Feeling positive!!

AnyFucker Fri 07-Feb-14 19:21:22

You have not ended it if you are still letting him make you feel "mean"

Come on. Big Girl's Knickers required here.

AliceinWinterWonderland Fri 07-Feb-14 19:49:02

he's texted you 12 times today?? I'd say that pretty much confirms that he's not worth the effort. My god! 12 times! What a pain!

HandN Fri 07-Feb-14 21:19:27

Can I borrow your big girls knickers please AF grin

Yes I know, 12 times! All soppy stuff aswell!

AnyFucker Fri 07-Feb-14 21:20:33

We could both get in 'em at the same time. On leg each smile

AmazingJumper Fri 07-Feb-14 23:47:09

That'd stop him in his tracks grin

HandN Sat 08-Feb-14 07:10:17

Sounds like a plan to me haa!!!

AskBasil Sat 08-Feb-14 10:01:32

God, 12 times?

What a bloody time waster. It's like being called by double glazing companies.

The very fact that he's doing this, shows that actually, he hasn't taken on board that it's over. This is his way of drawing you back in and you're doing the right thing to completely ignore.

HandN Sun 09-Feb-14 08:57:29

Actual lol at ' like double glazing companies' grin

BitOutOfPractice Sun 09-Feb-14 09:35:36

Have you got an iPhone? Block his number

Well done on getting out. Of the relationship. Not the big girl knickers

HandN Sun 09-Feb-14 12:38:17

No I don't have an iphone, to be fair he's only text twice over the weekend. I have continued to ignore smile

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