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How do you practice safe sex with oral?

(65 Posts)
mmonroe Fri 31-Jan-14 22:47:42

Genuine question.

My very long term relationship ended a little while ago. I am just thinking of the future and potentially meeting someone else.

Of course I want to practice safe sex and use condoms but I have no idea how oral sex is performed safely. Is it done over the condom?

Can anyone advise as apart from asking a new partner to produce a doctor's note of his sexual health, I don't know what else to do.

Samwidge Fri 31-Jan-14 22:54:05

Use a condom or an oral dam/barrier. Otherwise, STD checks as soon as possible ie before things become too physical.

www.mycondom.co.uk/condoms/type/oral-dams

EBearhug Fri 31-Jan-14 22:55:36

It's why you can get flavoured condoms.

mmonroe Fri 31-Jan-14 23:06:12

I'd never heard of oral dams, thanks for the link.

So it would either be dams or flavoured condoms?

Do clinics offer sexual health screening if it's just because you're starting out with a new partner or do you need a more valid reason?

EBearhug Fri 31-Jan-14 23:07:43

Starting out with a new partner is a very valid reason - I think they'd rather see you then than later when you're showing symptoms because you weren't so careful about your sexual health.

mmonroe Fri 31-Jan-14 23:16:21

I'm not seeing anyone at the moment but I'm just getting it all straight in my head as I don't want to be caught out and not know what the 'done thing' is.

Checking it out medically might sound a bit clinical but this would be my preferred thing.

You can get a full screen whenever you like, you don't need a reason.

ImperialBlether Sat 01-Feb-14 13:41:13

I could not be bothered with all that. Who the hell would get pleasure from giving oral sex using a condom or an oral dam? I can understand prostitutes using them and I know a lot of gay men who are having very casual sex will do it, but why would you, OP?

tracypenisbeaker Sat 01-Feb-14 13:50:08

Imperial, i for one prefer using protection because i would be worried about the herpes virus being transmitted, like before a cold sore shows up. Dont know why gay men would be more justified in needing a condom for oral as opposed to hetero males, casual sex is casual sex after all, i would hope condoms would be used at all times regardless regardless of sexuality.

mmonroe Sat 01-Feb-14 13:50:08

I agree imperial, it does seem it would take the edge off the moment and be quite clinical.

So is the only answer to ask for a sexual health screening? Surely if the man is worth it then he will understand and respect that?

I just want to be safe.

ImperialBlether Sat 01-Feb-14 14:19:37

The gay men I am specifically talking about, tracy, are extremely promiscuous and this does make the chance of an infection much more likely.

MadeMan Sat 01-Feb-14 16:08:38

"It's why you can get flavoured condoms."

Yep, that's right. They do curry flavour ones in my local gents.

str8tothepoint Sat 01-Feb-14 16:10:11

Safe oral sex is pointless sorry, you may aswell go buy a cucumber and suck that

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Sat 01-Feb-14 16:11:53

I could not be bothered with all that. Who the hell would get pleasure from giving oral sex using a condom or an oral dam? I can understand prostitutes using them and I know a lot of gay men who are having very casual sex will do it, but why would you, OP

Because:

STIs that are commonly caught through oral sex are:

gonorrhoea
genital herpes
syphilis

Infections that are less frequently passed on through oral sex include:

chlamydia
HIV
hepatitis A, hepatitis B and hepatitis C
genital warts
pubic lice
www.nhs.uk/chq/Pages/970.aspx?CategoryID=118

MadeMan Sat 01-Feb-14 16:17:31

"...you may aswell go buy a cucumber and suck that"

Make sure you get that cucumber checked out though, or you may end up with Gardener's Mouth and you won't like that.

mmonroe Sat 01-Feb-14 16:42:28

Thanks for your input str8tothepoint hmm I am actually asking a genuine question.

I'm thinking more strawberry than curry mademan.

ImperialBlether Sat 01-Feb-14 17:50:27

Yes, ItsAllGoingToBeFine, I know that if you are with a stranger who you think might have pubic lice or syphilis then you should use a condom if you are going down on him.

However, having oral sex with a condom on wouldn't give the woman any pleasure (surely?) and knowing you're doing it like that because of the syphilis would surely take any enjoyment out of it, so why would a woman want to do this? What is in it for her?

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Sat 01-Feb-14 17:58:32

It all depends where you are in the relationship I suppose. If you are using some sort of barrier for penetrative sex to guard against STIs (as opposed to pregnancy) surely you should do the same for oral sex?

thedogwakesuptoodamnearly Sat 01-Feb-14 18:19:42

The oral dam isn't just for covering cocks...it's for cunts too, so you don't get herpes.

thedogwakesuptoodamnearly Sat 01-Feb-14 18:21:22

PS sorry if that's widely known, it's quite a new fact to me...

mmonroe Sat 01-Feb-14 18:21:40

Eloquently put shock

ImperialBlether Sat 01-Feb-14 18:23:31

Bet you're feeling like staying in in front of the telly for the rest of your life now, mmonroe!!

mmonroe Sat 01-Feb-14 18:24:45

That would be the safest option imperial!

Good grief!

gamerchick Sat 01-Feb-14 18:33:41

its easier to get a full screen when you want to ditch the condoms. If one party refuses then you know the score and act accordingly.

thedogwakesuptoodamnearly Sat 01-Feb-14 20:47:56

I think everyone should get screened regularly. You could keep your results in a shagging passport smile

MadeMan Sat 01-Feb-14 21:41:26

"You could keep your results in a shagging passport."

Good idea. Could I use this shagging passport as ID to open up a new bank account? Normal passports don't seem to hold any official weight anymore when trying to prove who I am, even though it's obviously me in the picture there.

thedogwakesuptoodamnearly Sun 02-Feb-14 07:21:29

It might depend what the picture was of. grin

happywithlife60 Sun 02-Feb-14 09:25:21

I'm glad I'm single! Whatever happened to romance? Its like Russian roulette whether you catch anything or not. If the few dates I've been on are typical for others men cant wait to whip it out and wave it in your face. How do you stay safe and not feel rubbish about it?

Joysmum Sun 02-Feb-14 09:33:03

The truth is, most people don't practice safe oral sex.

Condones or dental dams can be used to help protect against disease spread through fluids, but even then you aren't entirely safe as touch spreads disease too.

itsbetterthanabox Sun 02-Feb-14 09:39:03

Flavoured condoms are good! I like the blueberry ones. It's still good for the guy! Flavoured dental dams and using a toy on you would be safe and fun grin.
I really think mocking the op for being safe is pathetic and nasty you sound like teenagers or men who pretend they can't use condoms.

I wouldn't use a condom for oral sex, it would probably make me vom. I've licked a flavoured one to see once, it tasted like cheap foul sweets mixed with rubber. Disgusting. But then I don't give oral often and it's not something I'd do on a one night stand. I'd be happy to save that until the point where we were both talking about being tested and what have you.

AbouttoCrack Sun 02-Feb-14 09:44:11

This thread is making me feel sick. I'm off.

mmonroe Sun 02-Feb-14 09:48:40

Thanks itsbetterthanabox

As I said, it's a genuine question after having come out of a very long term marriage and my health is very important to me.

I am talking about starting a new relationship and am not into one night stands.

This isn't the stuff you get taught in school and I just thought MN could give me some helpful advice.

About it's not compulsory to read and comment on any thread if it offends you hmm

This stuff is actually fucking important. No offence meant to the OP but Middle Aged divorcees are the fastest growing group for contracting stis because they never learnt about safer sex/how to negotiate dating and safer sex before they got married. The OP is a case in point, wondering whether you need a 'good reason' to get an sti check. (Again, no offence). It's extremely useful to have these conversations and mumsnet is a very sensible place to have them.

gamerchick Sun 02-Feb-14 12:25:49

You don't need a reason to get a sexual health screen. They're not just about disease.. getting you bits checked out is as important as getting a dental check up imo.

I go every couple of years to make sure all is well.

thedogwakesuptoodamnearly Sun 02-Feb-14 17:56:45

<applauds Eirikur> I had to ask a RL friend how to ask a bloke to put a condom on when I started shagging dating after my divorce. I wish I'd known about MN and asked here instead, there would have been a lot less blush blush going on!

bebopanddoowop Sun 02-Feb-14 18:21:20

Make to female oral you can't really protect from. It's how I got herpes. To be fair I can't be angry 'cos the guy didn't even have a coldsore in full force at the time, but they're contagious even before they're really noticeable to the eye.

beachside Sun 02-Feb-14 23:50:36

Joysmum said - the truth is, most people don't practice safe oral sex.

I think you'll find that, rightly or wrongly, most people don't practice safe sex - at all.

And, as we've discussed before, there are some areas showing some reasonably low increases in transmission. But taken in context with the amount of unsafe casual sex, ONS, affairs etc, then really, you do have to be pretty unlucky to get something that you only need a course of antibiotics for.

''Figures released today by the Health Protection Agency (HPA) show new sexually transmitted infection (STI) diagnoses rose by two per cent in England in 2011, with nearly 427,000 new cases, reversing the small decline observed the previous year. Young heterosexual adults (15-24 years) and men who have sex with men (MSM) remain the groups at highest risk.''

http://www.hpa.org.uk/NewsCentre/NationalPressReleases/2012PressReleases/120531newrisingSTInumbersreleased/

mmonroe Mon 03-Feb-14 00:03:53

Well said Eirikur - although I'm not middle aged but I agree with your point and understand it was made in general terms.

beachside - for me, they are reassuring statistics. I just don't want to be one of the unlucky ones.

Grumpasaurus Mon 03-Feb-14 01:08:10

Op I work in sexual health. You absolutely need I practice safe oral sex; you can catch both sexually transmitted infections (like gonorrhoea or chlamydia) and sexually transmitted diseases (like herpes and HIV) through giving and receiving oral sex. Infections can be cured whilst diseases are lifelong conditions.

When you start a new relationship, just make it clear that until you are both tested and given the all clear, condoms will be used for penetrative sex and oral sex on him, and dental dams will be used for oral sex on you.

Guarantee he will high-tail it to the clinic in that case! If he refuses, he isn't worth it. I see people who are unlucky every day, and it really isn't worth the risk! You are absolutely doing the right thing here by asking. You can go to your local sexual health / GUM clinic for a check up anytime, you don't need a reason. People even go for advice and support before they have ever even had sex!

Monroe, I was speaking generally, not making assumptions smile

mmonroe Mon 03-Feb-14 07:03:27

I know Eirikur wink

Grumpasaurus - thanks for your post, I feel much better about it all now and I agree, any man who is worth spending time with would get checked if it looking like turning into a serious relationship smile if not, he's not worth it.

beachside Mon 03-Feb-14 22:26:50

mmonroe - surely you meant to say,

''any person who is worth spending time with would get checked out,''

Or is it impossible for women to contract infections?

mmonroe Mon 03-Feb-14 22:32:56

Yes beachside, that's probably a better way of putting it. As I was talking about myself though, I meant any man that I was to be with as I had a full STI check when my exH had his affair so I know I'm healthy.

ISaidNoNoNever Mon 03-Feb-14 23:12:45

Oral dams are commonly used by women who have sex with other women fyi.

Everyone needs to practice safe sex, and sex is not limited to penis-in-vagina. Anal, oral and manual sex needs to be safe too.

beachside Sun 09-Feb-14 23:35:51

I'll remember to put my marigolds on before the next hand job then...

LittleBabyPigsus Mon 10-Feb-14 01:29:06

Gloves (latex or non-latex) are not very sexy but they do help prevent infection, particularly if the giver has sharper nails than they should have. People don't realise that there are infection risks with all kinds of sex, not just PIV.

livingzuid Mon 10-Feb-14 07:26:47

Op I don't think you're interested in casual see and when you do make it to that stage with a guy you'll feel comfortable enough to ask the questions around whether he has been tested or not. (normal, sensible) guys are just as concerned over protecting themselves and it's a perfectly normal question to ask. I did with now dh and neither of us would have touched the other if we thought that testing hadn't happened.

I guess it's also whether you trust the response as well? This is where I'm a bit confused do you have to show proof before you get down to it? I trusted dh by then but some men or women may not be so genuine.

If in doubt then always use a condom....

cricketnut77 Mon 10-Feb-14 07:59:53

Seriously if a woman insisted I wear a condom for oral I would be offended and would definitely make me wonder how many cocks she been sucking. I understand for penetration but oral - blimey.

Cricket
Do you know that you can carry herpes or the warts virus and not know it, and that you can pass it on to a partner orally? Or that you can contract chlamydia in your mouth through oral sex? Being 'offended' is pathetic and it's nothing to do with how many cocks she has sucked (you sexist twat) it's because you could give her an sti you had no idea you had.

I've never used a condom for oral and the thought of using gloves to have sex makes me cringe. But if I asked a partner to use any of the above and they got offended then they would go right off my 'people I want to have sex with' list.

Joysmum Tue 11-Feb-14 08:06:15

I agree. A man's attitude to a woman wanting to take responsibility for her own sexual health is a great way if weeding out the twats who are selfish and you wouldn't want to give a blow job to wink

cricketnut77 Tue 11-Feb-14 10:37:50

I'm just saying what 95% of men would feel. If the OP has talked with her prospective partner about his recent sexual history and he hasnt been sleeping with lots of partners then she will be fine.
If he has been sleeping around then a check up would be a good idea and one I wouldnt mind doing if I was in that position.
I know there is a slight chance of catching those aforementioned infections from unprotected oral sex but that is a tiny chance compared to unprotected penetrative sex.
I'm not sexist either!! but I can be a twat at times grin

kentishgirl Tue 11-Feb-14 11:55:53

'If the OP has talked with her prospective partner about his recent sexual history and he hasnt been sleeping with lots of partners then she will be fine.'

This is a really silly attitude. It's not about how many partners you have had. It only takes one infected partner to pass it on to you. You seem to have it in your head that only more 'active' people pass infections around to each other. How does a virus judge that and decide 'oh ok, I'll infect this person, but not this person'. If you sleep with someone who's slept with, say, 3 people, and each of those three people have slept with 3 other people, and each of those has slept with 3 other people, and each of those has slept with 3 other people (really not a large amount of contacts each, this could easily be the sexual activity for less that one year), by then you've been exposed to the possible infections of 121 people.

You can know you can get pregnant from only doing it once, as well? Or do you believe that old wives tale too?

Well men can't be tested for hpv and nobody can be tested for herpes so your logic is flawed. You can contract and sti from the first person you have sex with, fidelity is no guarantee of safety. I suggest you read back your post and have a little think about what is wrong with it and why I read sexism and twattishness into it.

beachside Wed 12-Feb-14 21:27:21

So, gloves + oral dams + condoms = ok to have sex.

I'd sooner have a cup of tea and read a book. Seriously, no one leads their lives like that.

stargirl04 Thu 13-Feb-14 02:02:01

grin at shagging passport, ha ha...

I recently began a new relationship and we used condoms for the first couple of months, during which time I asked my guy if we could both get a full sexual health MOT at the GUM clinic.

He agreed and we went and had all the tests done, including a rapid results HIV test fo free, which I was told the outcome of on the spot, so there was no nerve-wracking wait.

We had to wait two weeks to get all of the results back but it was worth it for a) peace of mind and b) being able to dispense with the condoms. The clinic also fitted me with a contraceptive implant in a separate appointment.

I would not hesitate to have it done again as I was really impressed with the service, which was completely free and bloody brilliant. The staff could not have been more helpful and I did not feel at all embarrassed there.

Although it was my suggestion, my bf said afterwards that it was a good idea and he was really glad we'd had it done.

So our "shagging passports" are up to date smile

badgeroncaffeine Thu 13-Feb-14 02:23:12

There's too much paranoia about oral STDs. I think the chances of getting anything are remote. I've given and received with quite a few people without problem. I would rather not bother at all than use dams/condoms.

Joysmum Thu 13-Feb-14 07:13:29

badger that's your choice of coarse and the choice of your sexual partners smile

I'm sure we all know people who smoked all their lives and never got cancer, drank all their lives and never got liver disease, are a shit diet and never got heart disease etc. having unprotected sexual contact increase your risk of getting and passing on STD's and I certainly wouldn't belittle any ones choices to protect themselves to whatever degree they feel is acceptable to them until they've both been tested.

We're all adults here. We can all make our own choices. To me though, if I met somebody worth having sex with and they wanted to be safer than I did, if they were worth it then I'd do it, if they weren't worth it I wouldn't and they would know how little they were worth to me so being careful is a good way of weeding out.

peggyundercrackers Thu 13-Feb-14 08:00:26

If I thought a man had public lice or syphilis I wouldn't suck his cock even if he had a condom on, I'd be thinking he was a dirty bastard and he'd be out the door!

Morloth Thu 13-Feb-14 08:37:26

There you go OP easy to weed out the pricks who don't give a damn about you and just want their cock sucked.

beachside Thu 13-Feb-14 23:22:25

Interesting........

94,000 women in England contracted an STI in 2012 (excluding Chlamydia, 213,000 if you do, but hey, a 7 day course of antibiotics isn't really going to change anyones life too drastically)

Numbers of females in England in 2012, 27 million. We also know that the big numbers in the infection group come from the under 24 age sector.

Wow, with odds like those, Mums better keep the oral dams and gloves on at all times, and make sure we keep a bottle of antiseptic with us when we go on dates. Never know what you might, or might not, catch.

Sources;
http://www.medicalobserver.com.au/news/detecting-and-treating-chlamydia
http://www.hpa.org.uk/Topics/InfectiousDiseases/InfectionsAZ/STIs/STIsAnnualDataTables/#1._STI_Report

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trivialising this topic, but come on, how many people have sex of all varieties - casual, ONS, FB, cheaters, singles moving on, rampant players, innocent partners to cheaters, prostitution et al with how many other people per year, and exactly HOW low are the rates of infections?

We always hear the 'and get an STI test as you LTB/kick him out' comments here when yet another husband has cheated, but how many poor cheatees (is that a word?) have caught something they didn't want or need? I'd wager, very, very few, if any.

I speak as one of the small number on here who has had a lot of casual sex in the past over decades, with a large number of different partners, on many occasions not 1 on 1, was exceedingly lax on the safe sex front and have never caught anything, other than thrush from my long term partner of the last decade.

Go on, tell me it was only luck, and nothing to do with the rates of infection.

cricketnut77 Thu 13-Feb-14 23:31:32

Yes beach side. And how man of that 94k got an sti through oral? Less than 5% I'd bet. And we are talking about dams? More likely to be hit by a bus

Yes beachside it was luck! Are you for real? And you know that chlamydia can cause infertility don't you? Fucking hell.

Seriously, I'm with you on not fancying sex gloves or oral dams, and I'd rather take my chances or not have sex. But to belittle the risk of contracting stis and suggests that protection is unnecessary is stupid. Do you apply that same logic and not bother with condoms?

And cricket - I notice you post again when someone agrees with you, but didn't respond to any other previous posts addressing you. Would you care to?

Joysmum Fri 14-Feb-14 09:43:38

beachside

I don't know why you feel the need to convert those of us who prefer to err on the side of caution and so increase our risks, no matter how small you see them as being? My own experience tells me most people agree with you and out the pleasure ahead of the risk.

As I said before, we are all adults here and are all responsible for our own sexual health. It's up to the individual to decide what's right for them based on their judgement. Of course any one of us could could argue that we are far more likely to be killed on the roads and so should avoid cars!

Talking about contraception and protection is a great way to see if the person you are considering having sex with is worth it. Sex is fun, but even a one night stand requires standards and I'd rather be with somebody considerate of feelings, even if they don't agree with the risks. Of course this stance will weed people out, but that's the idea. Sex is fun but standards are about self respect. You have your standards and that's fine, not everyone will agree with you.

shthappens Fri 14-Feb-14 17:37:47

Couldn't read this without commenting.

Am recently divorced after being married for 20 years. Met a guy I really liked and began a lovely relationship. We both had full testing at GUM clinic... luckily everything came back negative...

We had sex, without any protection (I have a coil so wasn't worried about pregnancy)....I have now contracted herpes. It doesn't show positive in tests. He says he didn't know he had it. I believe him fwiw. (his reaction to his first outbreak was proof enough).

I'm not with him anymore....and it wasn't related to that happening...it lasted a while but ended mutually...

And now, I'm left with the herpes. As my name says sh*t happens.

We both thought we were being careful. I had only been with my husband, and doubt it had been dormant for over 20 years.

Does it matter what the odds are?

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