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I don't know how to deal with this

(115 Posts)
Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 17:59:56

The short version: Looks like OH has been contacting if not meeting prostitutes

The long version: a while ago, due to a Mumsnet thread about Adultwork, I noticed that OH had this on his computer. Mumsnet said LTB most vehemently, he said he had just been looking at porn, showed me some sites he frequents, said there was nothing more to it than that. I didn't LTB.

Fast forward a year and a bit and a baby later and today he went out to work leaving his laptop logged into his email. I went to shut everything down but some spidey sense tingled just as I was about to close it and I started to nose.

A few hours of reading and hacking into various email acounts later and I got into his Adult work account which appears to be one of many sites he uses including ordinary dating sites. Turns out he's been emailing 'escorts' trying to arrange one hour 'out calls'? including when he went away for a course when DD was only a few weeks old.

I don't know how to handle this. Our DD is only 7 months old for christsake.

UnicornsNotRiddenByGrownUps Fri 31-Jan-14 18:08:51

LTB and get yourself checked for STDs.

akawisey Fri 31-Jan-14 18:11:27

You do know how to handle this. You can and you will survive. Life without this man won't, CAN'T be worse than life with him.

I wouldn't bother gathering evidence and all of that - why should you? Just tell him it's over, find someone in RL to share the load for a while and post here.

LilyBlossom14 Fri 31-Jan-14 18:11:47

I don't see how you could ever forgive this? Sti check is totally necessary then CSA surely.

Sorry - awful discovery.

Juliaparker25 Fri 31-Jan-14 18:12:26

Agreed ..............this guy is a health hazard

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 Fri 31-Jan-14 18:13:05

I will hand hold with you, my partner confessed to using prostitutes 2 months ago.
But do get checked out and I am sorry you are going through this .

Only1scoop Fri 31-Jan-14 18:14:53

He pulled the wool over your eyes once. You have evidence now.
So hurtful especially knowing it was occurring when dc was so tiny.... It's living a lie.
Think of yourself and dc and get yourself checked out.

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 18:16:46

I know but what the fuck am I supposed to do? I've got nothing, nowhere to live, no financial help, we're not married so I'll get nothing, even my bloody car is in his name. If it weren't for my Mum I'd be completely homeless but me a baby, a massive dog and two cats can't stay with her for very long! I'm on maternity leave and I'm still waiting to find out if I've even got a job to go to. I know he will pay virtually fuck all via CSA, he's self employed and has got previous for this with his teenage son.

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 18:18:53

I'm waiting for him to get home from work but I don't know where to even start or what to say. I know I can't stay with him but it's a frightening prospect suddenly becoming a lone parent with a tiny baby,

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 18:20:09

Thanks for the hand hold NK3, god knows I need it. The irony is he never wants to have sex with me.

LilyBlossom14 Fri 31-Jan-14 18:21:56

do you live in rented or owned house? Why is your car in his name? Did you pay for it?

Yes it is frightening, but it is even worse living with a man who uses prostitutes and clearly has so little respect for women. He has form for not paying child maintenance?

PopiusTartius Fri 31-Jan-14 18:21:58

You just take it one day at a time, love.

What's your housing situation at the moment?

rainbowfeet Fri 31-Jan-14 18:29:18

My 1st move when he got home would be to ask him to leave while you sort your head out, do not let him make you leave!! Then I would Make an appointment with the CAB to talk through your options. & rights, followed by a trip to the clinic to be tested as previous posters have said. You can't deal with everything straight away all in one go.. Small steps.
Have you a friend or family member who could sit with you tonight or over the weekend?

Hugs. & good luck x thanks

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 18:32:52

The house is owned by his parents and we pay them a much lower than market rent. I used to pay half but haven't been since I've been on maternity leave.

I bought the one car from him and we didn't change the name on it yet but it is a sports car so I can't fit the baby in it so it is parked up at the moment the plan being to sell it. He bought me a cheap car to use so that is in his name too.

My housing status is imminently homeless sad I know my Mum will ALWAYS take me in but with three dogs and three cats between us plus me, her and a baby, it's not any sort of long term solution. There just isn't room. Rents are utterly extortionate where I live, I don't know what I'm going to do.

MissScatterbrain Fri 31-Jan-14 18:33:21

So sorry. It must be awful to be in your situation.

I remember your previous thread.

First things first - get RL support now. Then make an appointment for STDs and arrange to see your local CAB for advice.

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 18:34:45

I can't ask him to leave, it's HIS house. I can't believe that at the grand old age of 31 I've got nothing. Not a damn thing to my name but a few bits of furniture. Even my iphone contract his paid by him as it was a christmas present.

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 18:36:57

I've got a beautiful DD, mustn't lose sight of that. Not really what I wanted for her start in life but I'll make damn sure I do the best I possibly can for her.

MissScatterbrain Fri 31-Jan-14 18:37:16

All the more reason to get advice from CAB so that you know where you stand. I am sure you will be eligible for benefits and tax credits as a single parent.

MissScatterbrain Fri 31-Jan-14 18:37:51

Can you contact a local housing association to see if they can help.

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 18:41:13

Yes, I'll get on to it all first thing Monday. CAB, STD check (can't believe I've got to go through that indignity) housing then HMRC for tax credit info. Anything else I need to do?

Could really do with getting rip roaring drunk but I'm in charge of a baby so no booze for me. Not that it would really help matters I suppose.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 31-Jan-14 18:41:29

How quickly could you push to sell the sports car, making sure the money goes to you? Any other money you can quickly squirrel away, along with copies of his earnings for CSA later?

Am aghast that you bought a car off your own partner... The "partnership" element definitely seems to be missing. So many things you mention complete the "entitled arse" picture.

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 18:42:22

Although HA houses/flats are like hens teeth around here so I'm bloody glad I've got my Mum to fall back on or I'd be in a grotty B&B.

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 18:44:04

Have no idea about his earnings as he's self employed.

EekyBeaky Fri 31-Jan-14 18:44:08

One step at a time - the bigger picture can be all too overwhelming. Sending you love and strength x

WhoNickedMyName Fri 31-Jan-14 18:44:40

In your situation I'd keep quiet for a while and try and sort out the practicalities.

Get an STI test.

Photocopy his payslips/bank statements, etc.

Get the sports car sold - put the money in your own account. Get the phone contract put into your own name. Get him to sign the car over to you - bullshit him that it makes your insurance cheaper or something.

Every time you do a shop, buy extra food/nappies/etc and store them at your mums. Get yourself on the housing list. Consider rehoming the pets. Squirrel away as much money as you can.

On the day you're actually ready to leave invent some reason why you will need his bank card and PIN number and go and withdraw as much cash as you can. Get a few mates, hire a van, empty the house if as much as you can... Bed, sofas, kitchen stuff.

Go, don't say a word, let him come home to an empty house and simply leave a copy of screenshots of all of his online activities.

Thecircle Fri 31-Jan-14 18:46:34

shouldhave

In different circumstances to yours I left my ex 18 months ago with a then 1 yr old ds.

I left with our clothes and essentials and absolutely nothing else.

House and car in his name, I left all furniture, all I took was photographs.

It's doable and even better, it was worth it. I'm sorry for the shit time you are having, honestly it can get better x

Its0kToBeMe Fri 31-Jan-14 18:50:49

Good advice whonickedmyname.

piratecat Fri 31-Jan-14 18:51:28

you are 31 with a lovely baby, you are young! not being trite because it happened to me, and i had to start again, with nothing too.

the pets can stay at the house for now. even if you'd owned the house with him, you'd have a joint mortgage and someone would lose out, or not be able to buy the other out. iyswim.

xxx

Re your comment:-

"I bought the one car from him and we didn't change the name on it yet"

Is the car therefore still in his name?.

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 18:52:48

I don't think I can hide from him that I know as 1. I'm not a very good liar and I'm shaking, he's going to know and 2. even if I put on an Oscar worthy performance, I hacked his email acounts/had to reset passwords so he's going to know when he can't get into any of his email acounts.

I pay for all the food shopping/nappies/wipes/clothes out of my SMP anyway, we don't have joint finances so aside from the cash he leaves lying around the house, I don't have access to anything. I can't sell the sports car as it's in his name even though I'm still paying off the loan I took out for it.

I had a nasty feeling the car still belonged to him that is why I asked.

You will end up likely walking away with your child and the items you yourself own. What is his is his and what is yours is yours.

You have and are indeed learning some harsh life lessons here. You can never allow yourself to be so financially up shite creek as you are now. I presume he always said that things would be ok and that he would take care of things for you. He never cared for you at all. The only one he ever cared for was his own self.

LilyBlossom14 Fri 31-Jan-14 19:02:08

can't you change the sports car into your name?

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 19:02:33

Yeah, aint that the truth Attila. I had pretty much come to the conclusion that he was an arse anyway before all of this but I never expected it to be this bad. We did talk about finances and everything and of course, he was going to sort it out and we were going to have joint finances but of course it never actually happened just like everything else.

We talked t

notapizzaeater Fri 31-Jan-14 19:02:59

Can you find some bank statements/ p60's to copy before he gets home?

Cinnamon2013 Fri 31-Jan-14 19:03:39

OP, you sound so sensible and strong and like a wonderful mother. Wish you strength to move forward from this situation - you and your DD deserve a lot more, and you will find it. Good luck x

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 19:04:36

We talked it all through when we were TTC, he was saying how he couldn't go through the pain of losing another child so we needed to be sure it would work out and then he goes and does this!

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 19:05:33

Thank you so much Cinnamon, that' s what gets me, I always have been a strong, independent woman, I've no idea how I've ended up in this shit pit that I'm in but I'm bloody determined to climb my way out.

Logg1e Fri 31-Jan-14 19:08:35

Is there no way you can keep quiet and cover up your snooping?

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 19:09:27

No copier/printer here and he's the messiest man alive so chances of finding any of his stuff is slim and none. He seems to chuck out his bank statements anyway after they have hung around in the kitchen for weeks and I've started shouting.

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 19:10:28

To what end Logg1e? I still wouldn't be able to access any money or anything.

And you will climb out of the hole he partially dug for you and make a better life for you and your DD. He is financially responsible for her as his daughter and she is entitled to know who her dad is even though you and he can no longer be together.

Some inadequate men like (supposedly) strong and independent women like yourself to take down, they see such women as a challenge and want to break them. Such types also hate women, all of them.

NomNomNom Fri 31-Jan-14 19:15:02

Get screenshots of what you found and email them to yourself. I was in your situation 4 years ago. You'll be much happier on your own.

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 19:20:50

That's the sad thing Attila, he absolutely adores her, how could he do this to her as well as me? I suppose he just never thought he'd get caught.

LilyBlossom14 Fri 31-Jan-14 19:21:17

you uncovering stuff and screenshotting or taking copies makes no difference to any money - he will have to pay you what the CSA state - you having proof of any shenanigans will make absolutely no difference. I wold want the car you are paying for in your own name though. And if you are selling it the debt needs to be cleared doesn't it?

If you have the logbook you can sell the car while he's out. Advertise on gumtree secretly and arrange viewings while he's at work. You can forge his signature on the v5.

LilyBlossom14 Fri 31-Jan-14 19:34:35

surely that is illegal?

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 19:34:55

Can't even do that Erikur as it is SORN/untaxed so is parked off the road at this place of work.

AnneElliott Fri 31-Jan-14 19:35:45

I agree you can just forge his signature. I did this with DH as he was out when the crazy woman came to collect the car- and she insisted on having it straight away.

Sorry you are going through this OP

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 19:36:14

Frankly, the car feels like the least of my worries anyway.

drspouse Fri 31-Jan-14 19:37:06

If you took out a loan to buy the car was it not agreed with the bank that was what it was for?

In which case you can prove you've paid for the car.

Logg1e Fri 31-Jan-14 19:38:43

Should, To what end

For what WhoNickedMyName said. Time to organise and protect your child's future. I must admit at first I was thinking Long, Cold Revenge.

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 19:43:26

I can't think of revenge, my mind is too full of the nearly four years of my life I've just thrown away and the 'family' I thought I had which is now in tatters.

MinkBernardLundy Fri 31-Jan-14 19:47:47

Should just popped in to say sorry. rough deal. you have done fuck all wrong and it sounds like you are going to get the tough deal.

brew

Re. the car. Ask him for it. he might say no but he may say yes especially if he is feeling guilty. No jam asking.

If he is feeling guilty milk it to get as much as you can before he goes defiant on you. have a receipt written ready for him to sign for the car.

MinkBernardLundy Fri 31-Jan-14 19:50:10

Also is there any point appealing to his parents to let you and their grandchild stay in the house while thru son who sleeps with pristitutes comes home for a bit.

She is, after all, their family just as much as he is.

MinkBernardLundy Fri 31-Jan-14 19:50:45

Harm not jam asking **

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 20:01:56

I don't know Mink but I'm sure as hell going to make sure his family know why I'm leaving. I don't see why I should be painted as the bitch who left him (makes me wonder about his previous partner who left when their child was a few months old who has been portrayed this way) I've done nothing wrong.

Mink, I came on to say ask his parents if you and baby can stay until you get something else sorted. And tell them why. They might be more supportive of you than you think.

MinkBernardLundy Fri 31-Jan-14 20:38:18

Quite right should. Do not keep his dirty secrets for him.

Hope you get through this evening OK.

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 20:40:39

Thanks for all the support, I'm still waiting for him to come home. I've been dealing with this all day and my stomach is churning. Need to just get it over with now.

Logg1e Fri 31-Jan-14 20:53:47

What will happen tonight? He is likely to deny, minimise and lie. I cant see him moving out.

Kleptronic Fri 31-Jan-14 21:00:28

Good energy to you Should. You have yourself and you have your DD. I think you have the world right there, although I expect it doesn't feel that way right now.

Feelings aren't facts. If it helps, if you can, stick to the facts - he has been contacting prostitutes, and arranging meetings, and for you it is over. You bought the car, and you want it in your name.

Keep safe. You can get through it. [hug]

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 21:01:14

I fully expect him to say it was harmless email sand nothing actually happened but I don't believe it. You don't sent about 6 emails to try to get someone to your hotel room for fun. Not even just on the day but for days leading up to him being away. All while I was at home taking care of our daughter who was less than 5 weeks old.

I'll either go to my mums or just make him sleep on the sofa and I suppose start packing up tomorrow. None of it feels real. I haven't even cried.

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 21:04:31

Here we go, sounds like he's home.

BigBoPeep Fri 31-Jan-14 21:07:31

Really sorry to hear about your situation and how shit it is with the car particularly (that you will still have to pay for it). But, 'at the end of the day' (hate that phrase) it's all just things. I think, given the password thing which will give the game away before you could put 'whonickedmyname's plan into action, I'd just write it off in my head, explain to my mum what had happened and ask her to help me dig myself and my daughter out of this hole. Knowing that your mum's place is too small, but with help you'll get out of it all, it's not forever.

I agree with the suggestion of asking for YOUR car, mentioning the loan-as-proof idea, but if he wont give it up, get round there and trash the thing so he cant benefit from your hard work by selling it grin

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 21:18:24

I'd like to think that even as big a wanker as he is he wouldn't screw me over with the car but that remains to be seen. Like you say, it's only stuff either way.

If he doesn't come home soon the tension is going to actually make me sick. I could really do with a drink but I'm not sure I could stop at one.

Logg1e Fri 31-Jan-14 21:19:39

Keep a clear head OP.

Kleptronic Fri 31-Jan-14 21:23:06

Aw Should x

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 21:23:56

Yeah I am doing, thanks. Decaf tea isn't quite cutting it though.

Sorry, my last post looks like I was calling OP Mink. I meant I was agreeing with Mink.

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 22:39:04

Apparently he never actually did anything just sent messages. Of course before I showed irrefutable evidence he didn't know anything about it at all and it wasn't him hmm

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 22:40:28

The thing that has really got to me? He never once said sorry.

NomNomNom Fri 31-Jan-14 22:50:10

No, he's far too self-involved. My ex was the same. Wait till he twists it so it's all your fault.

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 23:08:33

Oh fully expecting that, he's tried tears and when that had no effect he's gone all silent.

LilyBlossom14 Fri 31-Jan-14 23:16:43

As if sending messages isn't bad enough.

Kleptronic Fri 31-Jan-14 23:18:03

Stick to your guns. You know what you will take or not take.

Lacoba66 Fri 31-Jan-14 23:44:00

Even IF his emails were not acted upon, at what point would he have decided that he was justified in them alone? Intention was there!

Please look after yourself and your baby- he is not thinking beyond his fantasy world (physical or not) but you and your baby are not part of his real world. He will try and justify what is going on, because that's what liars do.

I feel for down to my guts! Take care.

Shouldhavelistened Sat 01-Feb-14 00:45:48

Just want to say thank you to all you lovely people for being supportive and even giving enough of a damn to reply. It has really helped. I feel remarkably calm right now though I fear the next few days are going to be the real test.

Kleptronic Sat 01-Feb-14 00:49:45

Mumsnet will always be here for you! smile. Hope you are ok and can get some sleep.

Only1scoop Sat 01-Feb-14 00:59:31

Should....thinking of you....hope you manage to sleep, you must be exhausted with all this to take in.
Take care.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Sat 01-Feb-14 01:46:09

Just read all of your thread, Should

Firstly, I'm sorry that this has happened to you. thanks

Secondly, you sound remarkably calm and rational in the face of such awfulness. I admire the way you are dealing with this.

I'm glad you have got a place you can go with your DD. Will you be able to pour your heart out to your mum? I find talking about things is good therapy. It's annoying when you have a partner that does the stoney silence thing.

The next few days, weeks and months will be hard but you will get through it. Given time, you will build a lovely new life for you and your DD and when she's older she will thank you for it.

Be strong, you incredible woman. wine thanks

MissScatterbrain Sat 01-Feb-14 08:50:53

Hope you are ok this morning?

WhereMyMilk Sat 01-Feb-14 09:09:44

How are you today OP? Thinking of you and your DD,x

Kleptronic Sat 01-Feb-14 10:04:49

Thinking of you Should x

Shouldhavelistened Sat 01-Feb-14 11:25:07

Thanks everyone, I'm doing ok, have had to deal with a fair bit if him clinging to me sobbing his heart out begging me to stay and saying he loved me and can't lose me which is horrible to have to watch. I fear today could be an even longer day than yesterday.

Shouldhavelistened Sat 01-Feb-14 11:28:47

I keep reminding myself that what I'm walking away from is a virtually sexless relationship where I lose all my confidence and wonder why he doesn't want me and he seemingly furiously wanks to porn at any given opportunity. When I put it like that to myself it helps me.

BigBoPeep Sat 01-Feb-14 12:01:56

can't bear to lose you....also cant bear to say sorry even once angry

familyscapegoat Sat 01-Feb-14 12:18:21

Just read all this.

Surely for you it's walking away from a man who thinks it's okay to pay women for sex?

You don't believe these lies about not meeting anyone do you?

I'm so sorry for your shock, hurt and the situation you're in. But please don't minimise this again and believe lies. Think of this situation as it is - a relationship with a man who pays for sex on a regular basis.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 01-Feb-14 12:35:33

Just read your thread.

So sorry. Listen up your heart and don't minimise.

Be strong flowers

MissScatterbrain Sun 02-Feb-14 08:38:25

Keep reminding yourself that he is the one who chose to break up his marriage and family by buying women's bodies for his own sexual gratification.

You do not want someone with his hatred of women and twisted views of sex around your DC.

Lavenderhoney Sun 02-Feb-14 08:55:10

Whilst he is being so contrite, you could insist things will change round here. Get the car in your name. Get the phone in your name. Tell him it was disgusting he made you pay for a car when you have his child and are on ML and you want the money back.

The account must be joint. He must put x amount into a child account for dd. The moment you have this, email to yourself all the statements.

Keep your own account open and make sure benefit is paid into it.

All this can be done today or Monday. Speed is of the essence here, before he starts to think he has won you over. Send him to his parents for a few days.

Everytime you go shopping, get out cash back at the till. Rehome the pets as it will make life easier.

Go to CAB, find out what you can do re housing. Ask about ( depending on where you live) for a flat or little house to rent. Call work and see what's going on. Update your cv anyway and get in linkedin, network on there.
Look for another job, and sort out childcare for your dd.

Then leave the fucker. Mercenary but self preservation is of paramount importance.

Photocopy or take photos with your phone of all the paperwork.

Stay calm, and keep him out if your bed. He will want sex to regain power and control.

magoria Sun 02-Feb-14 09:04:31

The name on the car form is no longer proof of ownership.

I have no idea how it works, how you prove it, how hard it is to prove or if you want to fight for it to get some money out of it.

Make sure you take the documentation for the one you own with you.

BigBoPeep Sun 02-Feb-14 09:12:05

Lavendar's suggestions are excellent and yes, dear god, don't let him worm his way into bed!

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 02-Feb-14 09:16:11

Ok - he is crying and begging.

Now is the time to go into forgiveness overdrive, demand access to all the info as part of you putting your trust back in him, get your car into your name and if poss - back on the road [get him to finance this] and then sell it, get all the things mentioned in the post about money, papers yada yada yada whilst he is at this stage, then once you are ready, get a new place, a van and whilst he is at work, move out and take all your stuff with you.

Lavenderhoney Sun 02-Feb-14 09:21:56

The money you gave him for the car has been paying for the prostitues. Keep that in mind if he starts to back out on handing you money. And tell him so - he can't argue with that. Keep momentum in your favour.

But- just to check- you want to leave or try to sort it out? Because whatever it is, keep posting to get support.

iamonthepursuitofhappiness Sun 02-Feb-14 10:46:15

SHL

The first thing you need to do is have a full sexual health screen and gather as much evidence as you can before you leave. Can you stay at your Mums? You could look at having your pets fostered until you find somewhere permanent.

Put in an online claim for Income Support. You will get called to arrange an appointment with a Lone Parent Advisor who will advise you what other benefits you are entitled to. You can get IS, Child Tax Credits, Child Benefit, Housing Benefit and will get vouchers etc for milk and fruit while your baby is young.

Then call Rights for Women, they are a charity who offer free legal advice to women. After which, go and see the CAB and a Solicitor for a free consultation.

With regards to your DH being self-employed, if you can, get copies of his bank statements. When you issue divorce proceedings he will have to disclose his financial status with evidence. Also, if his income does not match his lifestyle (i.e. if he is doing lots of cash work and not declaring it); I had a similar situation with my XH whereby he was declaring his PAYE income and not what he was also getting in dividends wink

Write a list of everything you need to do and work your way through it.

Best of luck!

PS. I had to have STI check recently and it was actually as pleasant as it could be under the circumstances, the staff were really nice and don't judge you so hopefully it won't be as undignifying as you think.

iamonthepursuitofhappiness Sun 02-Feb-14 10:48:40

Oh, have you any idea of his income. You can check to see how much maintenance you are entitled to via the Child Maintenance Options website.

Shouldhavelistened Sun 02-Feb-14 13:29:56

I'm at my Mums, not doing so well today.

Lavenderhoney Sun 02-Feb-14 13:48:21

Have you told your dm? Is she supportive or blames you for not being a good wife?

You don't have to decide anything quickly, even if its how to leave. You call the shots.

Shouldhavelistened Sun 02-Feb-14 14:26:33

Yes she's very supportive, I'm lucky with that. I don't know what I want to do. I'm so confused/conflicted.

LucyInTheSky78 Sun 02-Feb-14 14:41:23

Hi,

I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry for you. I am in the same position as you - made my discoveries just in November after only being married for just under two years.
I'm on mat leave too - 8 month old. I left and am now at my dad's. I know exactly what you're going through.

The disbelief to begin with is mind numbing. I still torture myself with actually imagining the gory details of when he was with them. I'm not sure why my mind does that. Do you do that too?

I don't regret leaving but I have bouts of missing my old life, even though it was all a lie. Ignorance was bliss sad

Your ex sounds like mine. Crying, begging, promising he'd change, giving shitty excuses for his behaviour to minimise it. I still can't even look at him when it comes to contact.

My situation is slightly different in that he was dependent on me for a visa. Now he's desperately trying to stay in the country by applying for a different visa and everything's kinda in limbo while we wait for a decision from the Border Agency.

Anyway, this is about you, not me, and all I can say is it's shit. There's no two ways about it. But you have to take each day at a time. Be grateful for the good days when you're feeling strong, and hold on to that on the days you're not. Focus on your little one and the day will end, and you'll be another little step closer to a better life eventually.

I felt like a loser. Mid 30's, back at my dad 's, giving up work and applying for benefits for the next couple of years. So I know how you feel about that too but you have to keep remembering you didn't ask for any of this. You didn't deserve it and that anyone's life at any moment can go to shit, so don't be so hard on yourself.

Most importantly, forgive yourself for what feels like such bad decisions to trust him in the first place. It's not your fault your child will not have their dad at home. All you can do now is to continue putting everything into being a good mum, which you are.

I wish you all the luck in the world and that you find happiness soon with a new, settled life. BIG HUGS xxx

Shouldhavelistened Sun 02-Feb-14 14:51:20

Lucy - so sorry you're in the same position, how did you find out?
I really don't know whether to believe him in the fact that he never actually met up with any if them - the emails do seem to support this in that they never go as far as actually agreeing to meet but I don't know if he phoned them or something? He swears blind he has never cheated on me and he just gets a kick out of messaging and with the dating sites too.

Logg1e Sun 02-Feb-14 15:52:05

OP, just gets a kick out of messaging and with the dating sites

Even if this were true, which I doubt, that'd be too much for me.

LucyInTheSky78 Sun 02-Feb-14 16:26:42

I discovered early on that he had a porn problem, didn't realise how serious. I didn't snoop on him to begin with, I discovered the porn through him being very careless by leaving actual pages open on the laptop all the time.
I spoke with him, explained that it made me feel disrespected. He cried (which I was surprised about) and wrote me a really heartfelt letter saying I was the last person in earth he wanted to hurt, that porn meant nothing to him and was just a silly habit he'd gotten into since his teens and that he'd stop.

I felt such relief. And then I discovered more porn. That hurt like hell because I realised now that he was capable of lying about important things straight to my face. I'd rather he'd been honest and said he wasn't going to stop watching it.
But of course, only he knew the whole truth.

This happened a few times. I asked him if he thought he had a problem and did we need to get help. He said he thought he did but that he'd had enough and didn't need it. I asked him to just be honest with me in the future: if he was having a hard time keeping off it, if he was still using it and if there was anything I could do to help him. He agreed. Which was a lie.

I started paying attention now to his computer history and snooped on his phone. He just got better at hiding it. Then one day I found searches for prostitutes on google in places local to us. I still didn't make the link! Dumb huh? Just thought it was part of the porn problem.
Anyway, after a lot more arguments (well, I did all the arguing, he just sat apologising and agreeing with everything I said), it all seemed to settle down and I thought he had kicked the habit.

3 weeks before the final split I started getting a horrible feeling down to my very bones. Had no idea why. He had a habit of always doing whatever he fancied even if we'd previously agreed on something else and we had a big row (again, he didn't really argue). I said I didn't trust him. That he lies over silly little things so what else does he lie about?
He said he was going to prove to me that he was trustworthy. I asked him about porn, he swore blind that he had stopped and didn't even think about it anymore.

3 weeks later, through his own carelessness again, I discovered he'd been checking out prostitutes in a city he was due to visit.
And that was it for me. Although I stayed long enough to get more info.

I asked him about it, he lied lied lied, saying there's been a horrible mistake, he was a victim of spam etc etc. I didn't buy it and I told him that I wanted a divorce.

He all of a sudden started saying he had a porn addiction and was going to get help. He went to the GP the next day who apparently told him that he had to build a better relationship with me but not tell me if he continued using porn!! Wtf?

Anyway, I told him that it was all very well him getting help but what about me? How was I supposed to move on knowing that something had gone on. The next day he confessed that he and his friends use to use prostitutes 6 years ago. That he hated his past and it had been all part of his porn fantasy and why he still checked out prostitutes (because he was addicted to porn). He said it was a long time ago, he only went a few times and asked for forgiveness.

I said to him, that it was very important that he tell me about anything else because I'd read that they drip feed you with bomb shells and that I wanted te while truth now. He swore faithfully that there was nothing else, that he would never put my health in danger.

He lied.

I pretended that our relationship was salvageable but that I needed the truth because that was the only way I could recover and move on. He finally confessed to cheating on me with a prostitute while we were engaged and applying for out Fiancé visa.
He confessed that he looked up the brothel online to look at the ones he'd slept with and to see who was new. He confessed to cheating on all his past girlfriends with prostitutes. And that he'd done it dozens and dozens of times over the past 6 years.

That's when I told him it was over. I suppose I just needed to hear it from him before I could take such a big decision.

I might have been able to get over it if it really had been 6 years ago but to have cheated on me and to obviously be planning to do it again... well, there's no way back.

I posted on here when I was beginning to suspect he had cheated on me with a prostitute and a very wise woman who had had a similar experience told me that the only people who look up prostitutes are the ones using them. I didn't want to believe it but in the end, it was true. That piece of advice really helped me to stay strong and not get sucked in by anymore lies even when I so desperately wanted to stick my head in the sand.

You probably have only scratched the surface with what your partner's been up to. I'm sorry. But I really wouldn't believe anything else that comes out his mouth.

I'm sorry for the essay too! I didn't mean to jibber on so much. xx

Shouldhavelistened Sun 02-Feb-14 16:39:54

Don't ap

Shouldhavelistened Sun 02-Feb-14 16:41:47

Sorry, stupid phone. Don't apologise for the essay, it's really interesting to hear your point of view and to know that I'm not alone. Off to go and have a chat with him now while my Mum watches the baby so will hear what he's got to say.

LucyInTheSky78 Sun 02-Feb-14 17:15:12

I'll be thinking about you x

BigBoPeep Tue 04-Feb-14 14:43:45

How's it going?

Shouldhavelistened Tue 04-Feb-14 22:10:42

Going as well as can be expected thanks. We're still staying with my Mum at the moment. OH has been to the GP re: his sexual problems and is going to see a counsellor tomorrow then eventually we're planning on going for some counselling together to see if there is any way we can salvage anything from this relationship.

Work are hopefully agreeing my request re: flexible working so that's a weight off my mind too.

Shouldhavelistened Thu 06-Feb-14 19:23:38

As if it all couldn't get any worse, me and Mum aren't getting along too well which is just frickin peachy as I've got nowhere else to go. Thinking back, that's how I ended up living with him in the first bloody place. She's also caused a shit storm by emailing OHs Mum with all the gory, sordid details of what is going on because obviously poking her nose in is really helpful hmm

He's gone to the GP and Relate, after one counselling session he now keeps telling me that it's an 'addiction' like that excuses him being a fucking arsehole.

I've just had it up to here and fucking beyond honestly, I want to scream.

Logg1e Thu 06-Feb-14 20:43:11

There are more options other than live with him or live with your mum.

Logg1e Thu 06-Feb-14 20:44:42

What's happening for you now? What's the plan with your relationship?

Shouldhavelistened Thu 06-Feb-14 21:32:12

I honestly don't know, he's going to arrange a counselling session for me on my own to talk about how I'm feeling then at some point we are going to go together. I genuinely don't know how I feel about everything, I think it's all too much and I've just emotionally shut down from it all.

Logg1e Thu 06-Feb-14 21:42:12

It sounds as though you could be in acute emotional distress and you're going in to survival mode. I think you'd blossom back in to life if you could have time away from him. If he's genuine, he would provide this time and space.

Can you work towards an escape plan?

Theoldhag Thu 06-Feb-14 22:34:35

Take stock of the situation you are in, I would screen shot and copy any evidence, this can be given to solicitors and may come in handy at some point. Make sure that as he is self employed that you have a copy of ALL finances, statements, everything. Leave no stone unturned.

Phone the relevant agencies, child maintenance, benefits/housing/tax credits, child benefit in your name.

Sort out legalities and what sort of contact you would feel ok for your dc's.
Make sure that you have as much support as you can, family, friends, let your gp and maternity team know. Be ready for the berevement process that you will be going through.

Do not trust him, cover and protect yourself and the lives of your dc's thanks

Lifeisforlivingkatie Fri 07-Feb-14 05:28:23

Good advice

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