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I always seem to come off worse where toxic SIL is concerned

(38 Posts)
amumthatcares Tue 28-Jan-14 22:07:55

Have posted before about SIL and I will try to keep this brief.

There was a bust up about 5 months between DH and SIL over our DD. I never got involved, but suddenly I was the villain of the peace and was somehow getting the blame. A month later (and I still had not got involved), after a big public announcement on Facebook, she deleted me, then blocked me off FB. At this point I became furious and cropped her out of all my FB pics....if she didn't want me on her FB, I didn't want her on mine.

That was 4 months ago. During that time I have discovered lots of horrible things she has said about me and lies she has spread. Still I have said nothing. DH tried to make up with SIL for MIL sake several weeks ago but she didn't want to know (that was the other thread)

Tonight her DD has written on my Facebook wall publicly, that she has noticed I have cropped her mum out of my pictures and how childish and pathetic I am! Her DD will only hear (and believe) her side of the story. My own DD has never got involved in anything, even though she knows how toxic her aunt has been to me (and that is the way I want it)

Now DH has found out what I did to my pics and has gone ballistic at me, telling me I should have kept a 'dignified silence'. That we will never win against her and I have given her ammunition to make me look even worse than the lies she's already told people about me. Although he did say he could go and punch her and never wants her name mentioned again, I still feel totally gutted by DH response to me sad

Hoppinggreen Tue 28-Jan-14 22:43:51

Well she may have driven you to it but I'm afraid cropping someone out of pictures is pretty childish and pathetic, you have sunk to her level.
Dignified silence is the way to go.

tribpot Tue 28-Jan-14 22:56:47

It sounds like all a dignified silence was getting you was everyone, including your DH, assuming it was fine for this toxic waste to be dumped on you. I'm sure you know that cropping the photos was a childish (if understandable) way to react.

Personally I would be tempted to simply deny that you've done any cropping. Unless it's really obvious because you had to airbrush her out or something!

Your DH is right in one sense - she is going to badmouth you whatever you do. Which means that your friends and family will be forced to choose who they believe. Not by you, but by her bullying behaviour, which she is apparently free to indulge at your expense. And I note that when it was DH who was pissed off, he didn't maintain a dignified silence with her either.

The important thing is to try to disengage from all this bollocks. Easier said than done, I know. But there is really no point - you can't win against someone who is just going to make stuff up about you behind your back. Cut her out of your lives and move on.

amumthatcares Tue 28-Jan-14 22:59:57

Tbh I agree hopping that's why I've never retaliated to any of her nastiness except in this moment of frustration (which I had even forgotten about until tonight). Otherwise I have kept a 'dignified silence' But why is she allowed to be a complete bitch say what she likes and everyone thinks the sun shines out of her backside!

redbinneo Tue 28-Jan-14 23:05:37

Cropping her out of pictures was a bit childish. As a responsible adult I'd have photoshopped a pig in her place.

amumthatcares Tue 28-Jan-14 23:12:15

tripod thank you. What you say makes complete sense but I have admitted to the cropping (I leave the lying to my SIL ;) )

I really need to let all her badmouthing go over my head and cut her off - but even that is easier said than done when MIL brings her up in conversation at every available moment and I can't ask her not to because I'm not allowed to upset her.

amumthatcares Tue 28-Jan-14 23:13:49

Hahaha red that was the laugh I needed. Thank you smile

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 28-Jan-14 23:14:02

Dh's first loyalty should be to you and your DC. SIL sounds as though she was muck-spreading long before you edited any FB pictures. I'd tell him you have had enough of the in-laws and it's about time he realised you've put up with them only for his sake.

tribpot Tue 28-Jan-14 23:21:53

Right, well now you've admitted to it (rookie mistake) I think your best line is "I felt it was appropriate in view of her decision to block me on FB" (i.e. you were in some sense attempting to honour her wish that there be no link between you there by removing her from your own profile). Don't be drawn in to any discussion about this - you need the broken record technique. "I felt it was appropriate, you are free to disagree". End. Of.

If your MIL is determined to talk about her all the time, you need to see your MIL less. And just smile and nod when she talks about her, possibly getting distracted by things like has the oven heated up yet or does anyone want another cuppa.

However, your DH is the one you really have a problem with - Donkeys is right.

amumthatcares Tue 28-Jan-14 23:31:00

I'm obviously too honest tripod but I like your style grin and I like that answer - wish I'd had the foresight to use that earlier on before my DH turned me into a blubbering idiot!! I'm mad with myself because I'm not weak but I just feel so damn frustrated.

Yes, donkey is right, although DH agrees she's a bitch and doesn't want anything to do with her either. I guess when MIL is no longer around I suppose that will resolve the problem.

Cerisier Tue 28-Jan-14 23:35:24

I think I would have a cull of FB friends if I were you and just keep it for your family and very close friends. If the daughter hadn't seen it then she couldn't have made the comment.

You need to keep them at arm's length, including the daughter. If she can make comments like that she isn't a sweet toddler. You don't want to be worrying what is on your wall, so delete anyone you can' trust.

CookieDoughKid Wed 29-Jan-14 00:15:35

Detach detach detach. They are your pictures at the end of the day. And if you've disconnected on fb, so what?!

Don't get drawn into this rubbish, and leave the toxicity by distancing yourselves from them. Let your dh deal with it all.

IEvenBurnToast Wed 29-Jan-14 00:16:59

OP, you can set up a 2nd FB account and then ask the people you want to keep in touch with to FB you on that. I have done that for my privacy.

As for MIL going on about SIL, I am afraid a lot of them do that and you can't change it, as they often think the sun shines out of their DD's behind, even if they are not very nice people. The only thing you can change is your reaction. To reduce it, cut back on the time you spend with MIL (let DH deal with her) and when she talks about SIL go do something else like tribpot says and blank it out.

As for SIL, she sounds awful. I am a massive fan of the best revenge is to live well. She is a toxic drama lama bully. The best revenge you can have on her is to show her that having her out of your life has no negative impact on you whatsoever and in fact without her in it, you are better off. You may have to fake it till you make it. Book lovely days out as a family, include your family more, go on a nice holiday, give yourself a makeover. Let her see that since she cut you out, you are better off.

That's real revenge!

BumPotato Wed 29-Jan-14 01:14:07

<off cropping...may be some time>

Aussiemum78 Wed 29-Jan-14 02:57:29

Are you sure sil wasn't using her dd profile and log in to access yours?

The dd message sounds implausible to me, I couldn't care less if my mum had a fight with my aunt as a teenager.

amumthatcares Wed 29-Jan-14 05:33:42

IEven - I have taken your advice and am setting up a 2nd Facebook. I have blocked several people from my new one and will let the first one just lay dormant.

Your revenge strategy sounds good except I think that it probably the root of SIL hatred toward me. DH and I have lots of friends and socialise A LOT. We are often going away for weekends etc., and live quite comfortably and I think she is jealous.

Bum thanks for the laugh grin - why not take reds advice and do some photoshopping wink

Aussie it was definitely her DD (she is early 20s) but I do suspect SIL was with her and they were trawling through my FB together. I also think she uses her DH's (who I have as a friend) redundant FB account to 'spy' on me!! Needless to say, these people are all blocked of the new account grin

Chottie Wed 29-Jan-14 05:51:58

OP - well done for moving on from a very difficult situation. SiL is not going to change, her DD will not change and neither will MiL. Carry on having a fab life! smile

Uptheanty Wed 29-Jan-14 06:01:56

I would say that you need to try & change your thought process.

i always seem to come off worse than my toxic sister in law

You will always come off worse if you engage in her level in any way.

You cannot reason with crazy.

Sil obviously lives for this stuff and feeds off it - it is her energy. I suspect that the reason why she involved you at all is for exactly this kind of drama.

Don't try to beat her. Just completely cut her out, forget her & smile sweetly.

Once you see the positive effect it has in your life - on time- it will be easy.

amumthatcares Wed 29-Jan-14 07:18:27

Thank you thanks

That is exactly what DH and I have agreed to do this morning - cut her out completely and be dignified with it.

I've also told DH that I will speak to MIL and ask her not to talk about her DD in my house and DH is totally with me on that.

Am feeling shattered (no sleep) but an awful lot calmer and happier grin

pengymum Wed 29-Jan-14 14:21:59

Don't speak to MIL OP - leave that to your DH. His family, he should speak to her otherwise MIL will have the hump with you!

Logg1e Wed 29-Jan-14 14:31:20

Do you mind me asking how old you all are?

RatherBeRiding Wed 29-Jan-14 14:32:58

Good result! ;)

Glad your DH and you are on same page. The second FB account and all of them blocked will niggle them like hell. Oh dear what a shame!!

amumthatcares Wed 29-Jan-14 18:42:27

Logg1e late 40's - DD 19, niece 22....you would think SIL would have grown up by now wouldn't you? hmm

Meerka Wed 29-Jan-14 18:54:44

sounds like you've found a good way forward. Agreed with pengy though, get your husband to tell your MIL if you possibly can. If it's too hard for him, then do it together but it will come a lot better from him.

it pisses me off too that if you react with patience and self-control for years, then slip once when you're tired / too fed up / hormonal, an absolute deluge of shit descends when another person can behave like poison for years and get away with it!

Logg1e Wed 29-Jan-14 18:57:48

I'm finding it difficult to imagine this, I just can't picture behaving like this. Anyway, I don't suppose you give two hoots what I think, and it sounds as though you have a good solution. I'm not too clear how Facebook works. Will she not be able to tell you have a new page through common friends?

Holdthepage Wed 29-Jan-14 19:13:56

Some people love the drama of family fall outs & Facebook is their weapon of choice. Step back, disengage, don't allow yourself to be drawn in. Give out as little information about yourself as possible, it's all just fodder for the drama llamas.

amumthatcares Wed 29-Jan-14 19:19:21

Meerka that's exactly how I felt last night. I have sat back and said nothing during all the time that SIL has been a complete bitch to me and the one time I reach the end of my tether and retaliate (this was 4 months ago too!!) - I the devil in disguise and have to answer to everyone!!

Logg1e given my age - cropping pictures really was an immature thing to do, but it was the only way I could vent my frustration and in some ways, for me, it was like I was cutting her out of my life as has been suggested above. However, immature my behaviour was though, is nothing compared to SIL's shenanigans...but then I suppose you probably couldn't expect anything else from a person approaching 50, who thinks she's 'one of the girls' and goes clubbing with her 22 year old DD and her mates.

With regard to Facebook, because I have blocked her, her DH and her DC, none of them will be able to physically see that my FB account exists but mutual friends could well tell her except that she's such a bitch she hasn't really got any friends except we don't share the same friends. My primary reason for having Facebook is to keep in touch with family on the other side of the world

CookieDoughKid Wed 29-Jan-14 19:23:07

Ah, leave the drama lama to find another victim elsewhere!!

Logg1e Wed 29-Jan-14 19:25:30

Ah, ok, I thought she'd be able to see what you wrote on other people's walls(?) or something. See, I'm learning about Facebook.

ivykaty44 Wed 29-Jan-14 19:30:47

Stick a note under hers

Cropped the photos as wanted to crop her out of our lives, you are welcome to delete me and block me if you feel you should be loyal to your mum

Bet she wouldn't though as they always want to stick around like a bad smell people like that

But it puts the onus back to them which means she has yo either show disloyalty to her mum or carry on bring nosey into you life

amumthatcares Wed 29-Jan-14 19:36:36

No, they could see what I was writing on others walls if we were just not 'friends' but if they are 'blocked' they cannot see anything I write or do and could not search for me on Facebook. For this reason I think she regrets 'blocking' me when she deleted me, because unless she uses someone elses account (hence her DD last night) she cannot see megrin

amumthatcares Wed 29-Jan-14 19:39:36

Exactly ivy - she certainly won't delete/block me because that stops her DM using her account to spy on me. In actual fact the penny has just dropped there!! I did wonder why, if niece was so upset, she hadn't deleted me!

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Wed 29-Jan-14 19:42:24

You'll never win? hmm It is hardly a game and him saying that is alluding to her being the high and mighty.

No problems cutting the cow out of the pictures. Getting her kids involved is far more childish.

Just because she is married to your husband's brother doesn't mean she has to be your friend.

amumthatcares Wed 29-Jan-14 19:45:06

Getting her kids involved is far more childish - yep!!

She is DH's sister - but that still doesn't mean she has to be my friend wink

Catsmamma Wed 29-Jan-14 19:47:22

check your settings, you can group people (like your niece and her father) and issue individual settings for each group.

so for you, having blocked your SIL you ought to have put any tattletales who might feed her info into a group, and then allow them very limited access to your wall.

I do love the cropping her out of photos though....that is class! :D

amumthatcares Wed 29-Jan-14 19:53:13

Ah thanks Cats I never knew that....I am on it!!

ivykaty44 Thu 30-Jan-14 07:01:24

I'm with the other poster who suggested you replace her head with that of a pig, though in this case a makes head may be more apt with the body of a pig ;)

amumthatcares Thu 30-Jan-14 08:20:37

hahaha ivy - after my DH's foul outburst to me the other night, I'm so relieved most of you don't think I was completely juvenile by cropping.....just wish I'd though of the pig before wink

thanks

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