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Confronting the Other Woman?(498 Posts)
I've posted this within my other thread 'Partner help please?' but it's sort of a different issue...
We ended up bumping into this woman last night. Myself and my partner were walking through a crowd holding hands when I saw her and stopped, with my partner trying to pull me away. I couldn't resist saying something when I saw her. She was talking to a small group of people all sitting down and I stood in front of her and told her she needs to get a life and get a grip and to stay away from him
She said nothing initially, just sat there looking really confused. Then we went to walk off with me still shouting at her, and she got up at tapped partner on the shoulder and said to him that they were going to have a conversation about this and she'd not done anything. He shouted at her to fuck off and fuck off and leave him alone at work too. I was shoving her in the arm telling her to get a life and to stay away from us, and she kept with the confused face saying she had done nothing and then went and sat back down
I don't know what I've done or what to make of it
It's a bit ironic that you're both yelling at her to stay away from you when you were the ones that confronted her
Neither of you covered yourselves in glory did you? And you certainly lost a fair bit of dignity too I'd say.
IMHO it's never a good idea to confront the OW - no matter how tempting
Oh dear. How did you feel after?
I don't know. I'm glad he told her to fuck off. I can't stop replaying the confusion on her face and the 'I've not done anything's
I was just reading your other post. You had some great advice but I could see why posters were getting frustrated with you.
This woman isn't the problem. Your partner is.
Now that you've assaulted her in full view of witnesses, you'll be lucky to escape without a visit from the cops.
Nasty way for your partner to treat the woman he was having an affair with too. And he so was.
I'm sorry he did that to you, but you're punishing the wrong person here.
She gets assaulted. You might get a police file.
He gets to live his life as if nothing's happened.
I didn't assault her?
what's your confusion about what she said/ look on her face?
Yes you did.
You shoved her in the arm.
That is assault.
To add you were shouting at her, which is harassment.
Hopefully that will help you move on.
If it is a case that she lives in the same town as you and you are likely to bump into her again, I wouldn't say anything. She could take it further if she wanted to if you were both shouting at her and you were prodding her in the arm, with witnesses there too. Please just be careful and look after what you need.
Your partner betrayed you, she had no loyalty to you.
Shoving her in the arm is assault.
YoBitch - I'm not confused, I mean I keep replaying the confusion on HER face and how all she said was 'I've not done anything'
You were shoving her. And hate to say it, but what he said to her in front of you might not be what he is saying in private to her. (Been there, done that)
It wasn't really a shove, and doesn't it count that after we started to walk off she got up from her seat and followed us, tapping my partner on the arm?
I just poked her more than a shove
Also we were in a club so someone shouting at someone is hardly harrassment is it? I'm worried now, I was just so angry she was even there
OP you went up to her, harangued her in the street, and poked her. If I were here I would have called the police
No wonder your DP didn't want you talking to her - you might have found out some home truths about him from her. I bet he was shitting himself at what she would say
No it doesn't count. She's entitled to speak to the person who set her up for this nastiness. Your husband.
Shouting at someone inferring that she is some kind of predator in your marriage is defamatory and harassing, especially in a public place. The fact it's a club doesn't matter.
Why shouldn't she be there?
I don't know the backstory but she might have looked confused because your partner had still been in touch with her right up until last night.
You really think she could have called the police after what she did to me?
Only the womans friend heard any of it and it was a loud club environment so no one probably paid any attention beyond at the time...with no witnesses nothing could be done with the police/me, could it?
Have you actually ever talked to OW before?? You only know what your DP told you??
For you to act like that shows you have not moved on and really played into her hands. Sorry but violence solves nothing and its your DP deserves the shit not OW.
I don't know if she only had one person there with her, but I walked past another couple of times, the woman sat with her saw me and we made eye contact but the other woman didn't. She just sat there looking like she'd been crying
Hang on, from the other thread there was actually no indication they were even having an affair, bar some thirdhand stirring from another person.
You have not covered yourself in glory.
She didn't do anything to you.
As she was having an affair with your partner and from the look of your other post that's still going on, she might not call the cops.
But she might, especially after the way he spoke to her.
Unless he's smoothed things over with her since.
Str8 - No, that's the first time I've ever seen her to speak to. I only know what she looks like after putting her name into Facebook
I have just read the other thread. You think your husband loves this woman. You might be right, that doesn't mean she wants him enough to break up your relationship. Maybe she just enjoys the attention from him, after all it sounds like he is the one seeking her out. Leave the woman alone and deal with your partner. If at the end of the day its just a silly crush he'll get over it, if not, let him go, unless you want to play second fiddle always wondering if he thinks that he can do better.
I don't think you've done yourself any favours, OP. What is your husband doing among all this?
Tonandfeather - If she does call them, what could they do without proof? Her and my partner work together so wouldn't that do her a diservice?
She sent him a text after he TOLD her to leave him alone saying she didn't know what the fuck just happened but it left her in tears and ruined her night and she didn't deserve that. I was furious after she was told by him to leave us alone
I doubt she will call the police, she is though more likely to want a chat with your partner on Monday morning to discuss "the mad woman" as others have said, you haven't really helped yourself.
They do have proof. It was a crowded place. After you left she might have asked for witnesses. The people she was with are witnesses too.
How would it be a problem for HER at work if a colleague's partner assaulted her?
A problem for your partner at work? Yes, possibly.
She's the victim here. Not you and certainly not your unfaithful partner.
To be honest if someone had just shouted and shoved/poked at me in a public place, the least I would expect is some right of reply, irrespective if the other party had told me to leave them alone.
Maybe she is genuinely shocked because she has no interest in him, or she thinks a flirt is fine and harmless...however perhaps he is the one that has developed feelings. Perhaps, shock horror she could do without him crushing on her and you attacking her.
Well, you were in a club and it sounds like there were witnesses.
No, the police would not be in the slightest bit interested in a possible/probable affair as a motivation for assault. If called, their concern would be, did a crime take place, and are there witnesses?
Hang on - so you don't even know anything has happened between them - just that your partner has the hots for her?
Assuming nothing has actually happened, and her greatest crime is to look attractive in a working environment, you may have come across as being utterly deranged.
They had an issue 7 months ago when they found out I was pregnant. She went to the managers and told them and he got into trouble, but that didn't look good for her either so calling the police on me after just poking her...??
Surely if it was just her friend that saw its their word against mine and nothing could be done?
Don't want to worry you further but CCTV?
MinitheMinx - My partner will not be speaking to her ever again, so she can want a chat as much as she wants. Also she definitely wants him, they were all over each other I was told, and she looked hurt last night as well as confused
You mean she alleged sexual harassment in the workplace?
You're not listening to us, it doesn't matter what she's done at work, it doesn't matter what evil spell she has or hasn't woven around your "D"P (who sounds like a twat, by the way) - if your own account of events is true you assaulted her. No you can't go round shoving people in the arm, whatever you think they've done. We have no idea whether she's going to call the police or not, but she certainly could.
What did she tell the manager? Why? and why did your partner get into trouble?
TurnipCake and MadBusLady - He'd told her to leave him alone, he shouted at her to fuck off and leave him alone now and at work though? And then she texts him, whats that about? I said to her then that she needs to get a grip and leave him alone, and then she texts him again
Others (sorry, trying to reply to you all) - she's text him a few times, like she text him asking about the face value of the tickets for last night a few weeks ago...she can't leave him alone
They had an issue 7 months ago when they found out I was pregnant. She went to the managers and told them and he got into trouble
Hang on, does this mean he was harassing her at work?
He lied to her to stop them working on a project together anymore after I'd seen them together (I only know he lied to her from gossip the mutual friend in other thread heard)
She found out he'd lied to her and went to the managers. They then didn't speak for 8 weeks. He got in trouble because he did lie to her
xpost, Ton. Don't know the back story here, but I know what it looks like ...
So you knew there was a possibility that she would be there last night?
This is all based on gossip, your husband sounds a right weirdo, and you sound a bit deranged. Bizarre!
I know there was an argument after she told him that she wanted nothing to do with him again and he approached her twice, once in front of the reception area and the mutual heard him shouting at her for not talking to him and her saying she had nothing to say to him and if what he'd said was true, then her not speaking to him should be exactly what he wanted and him storming off
Right, so he got into trouble for manipulating her at work. Did she also complain of sexual harassment?
FWIW, I know what I'd do in your situation but I don't know if you've got the bottle for it.
I don't know the backstory but your dp could be in big trouble at work if she decides to complain. It doesn't matter that it took place outside of work, employers don't look favourably on this kind if thing.
Mini - I knew it was a slim possibility, but I think she also knew that I was going.
She told him to leave her alone, he ignores it, now he tells her to leave him and...she ignores it. The relationship here seems to be between these two...so where do you fit into it?
she told him that she wanted nothing to do with him again and he approached her twice, ... him shouting at her for not talking to him and her saying she had nothing to say
Oh, god, Phoenix Your H has been making a total wanker of himself over her, and has allowed you to believe she's trying to get into his pants ....
Sorry. I know it's not what you want to hear.
Your partner sounds a delight. I can't see what this woman has done and I have a confused face too. How can any man speak to a woman like that? Shouting and swearing, not on in my book.
She may not report this but it sounds like you have lots of issues in your relationship that need sorting out.
Also, I hate it when 'mutual friends' get involved. Look at what it's done. Some friends just get off on the drama of someone else's misery. Stop listening to gossip.
Your behaviour was all a bit Jerry Springer I must say.
He slept with her and then joins in a public verbal assault on her to cover his ass?? This man does not sound worth fighting over....
OP, you need to leave him, leave this drama and build a life for your and your DC's away from this aggro. But I don't think you will do that.
This is absurd.
Either your partner was having an affair with this woman or he was trying to.
You have uncorrobated gossip that he tried to sideline her at work and got into trouble for it.
He's admitted nothing.
You've always checked his phone even before this.
Now you've assaulted a woman who allegedly got stitched up at work by a colleague who's now swearing and shouting at her in public while his partner assaults her.
Your partner might lose his job for this.
Rightly so by the looks of it.
Garlic - what do you mean?
Mamafratelli - I don't think she'd go to the managers again because it wouldn't show her in a good light either. He's much more 'significant; than her role there too, he's well liked
You really need to talk to your partner. You are not getting the full picture here by any stretch. You know that in your gut too which is why you're trying to work out ow's confusion. He's clearly telling her one thing and you a completely different story.
Sorry but I'm gonna say it - bunny boiler
Searching for her on Facebook, verbally assaulting her and possibly physically too??
You have a very long way to go, good luck x
What are you on about?
How would this not show her in a good light?
Well, if I was their boss I'd want to get rid of both of them. Does anyone get any work done at all at their place?
Fuck off with the bunny boiler comment, whoever that is. Women-hating bullcrap, that is.
I don't mean to sound Jerry Springer or deranged I'm just so overwhelmed with rage. He told me as we were getting ready to go last night that she won't leave him alone and showed me every text since she messaged him asking to talk away from work on Viber in October when I blocked her
You appear to have some communication issues. You have failed to discuss everything openly and honestly with your ratbag partner and you just start shouting and shoving this woman??? Last nights fiasco has brought you no closer to discovering the truth. What was the point in that???
You need to stop. You need to sit down with this guy who sounds a real charmer shouting at this woman to leave you alone when she had been minding her own business. It was you who bothered her. Anyway you need to tell your partner everything and he owes you an explanation. Stop hiding from the truth.
She should report your partner to hr again.
I hope she goes to HR and has your horrible partner sacked for ongoing sexual harassment.
That's exactly what I would do.
And BTW, you have completely humiliated yourself. Nice.
You seem to idolise your DP and totally slaughter OW when you know nothin about her
He's pulling the wool over your eyes big time. If he verbally assaulted her too like you mentioned then regardless of his job role it's still unacceptable when you have no proof of an actual affair
I'm totally confused. Did they sleep together?
Do you mean about my advice & having the bottle for it?
I would ring her up, without H present, and apologise like mad for making a scene. I'd say it was all very confusing about the rows they've been having at work, I was hearing one story from people and another story from him. I'd ask her, very nicely, if she'd mind coming for a coffee with me to fill me in. And I would listen carefully to anything she has to say.
Last time something happened when they weren't talking for 8 weeks, I heard she got a lot of shit talked about her and that it was because he knocked her back
And now it could look like she IS stalking him by going to this club night when she knew he'd be there?
You and your partner approached her completely unprovoked - you both sound like you acted deranged and unhinged and handled the situation with no class or dignity. There didn't have to a scene - you created one. Based on unsubstantiated gossip. No wonder she looked confused - your partner sounds like an embarrassing twat.
She can go wherever she likes, does not give you the right to harass and assault her.
She is stalking him?? I've heard it all now. Wake up OP
We stayed in a hotel last night but after that happened we couldn't exactly have a nice time away from the children for a night. All he has said is that she won't leave him alone and he's not done anything
No, it looks like she was having a night out when his crazy wife went ape shit at her for no reason.
Sorry OP but you sound unhindged!
YOU approached HER in the club, trying to make it sound like she's doing the stalking is very odd.
To be honest, I think your partner is spinning you a yarn.
My advice....stay away from her and forget about her. You have no evidence that she's actually done anything.
But he could have told her the price of the tickets and then taken you somewhere else. Nah, he's probably enjoying all this a bit too much
I would be more concerned about his-her employer tbh.
If she complains about the verbals, he could be dragged over hot coals for bringing the company he works for into disrepute(sp?)
I would get him to check his company handbook or policies. I've worked for a couple of employers who had policies that took into account my actions even if not at work.
As for loosing it, especially if tensions are high and booze is possibly involved, it happens. It did to me. Very similar situation. CCTV confirmed the allegations and I was cautioned. Think before you act,it got me in the shit and although the caution is 'spent', it'll always be there,on record.
so is she never allowed to go places on the off chan've your not so do will be there?
you did yourself no favours last night.
unaware of the backstory here but neither of you are being shown in a good light.
I bet he's loving it. Stirring twat.
The club is out of town, so it's not as if it's somewhere you just walk in.
The only person who sawwas my partner, so I've not humiliated myself in front of him?
I've only told one person in real life and she made a comment thats sticking with me - my partner said nothing whileI was telling her to get a grip and stay away from him, and tried to yank me away by the hand. She asked why he said nothing at all until she tapped him and he shouted to fuck off...?
And who told you that? What a bizarre way to live. Your horrible flirting disrespectful partner is to blame for this entirely. Not the OW. She owes you nothing. Get a grip and focus your anger towards your cheating rat of a partner.
Do you think she's not going to tell everyone at work on Monday she was abused by you both?
Delightful, the two of you.
Your partner was either harassing this woman or having an affair with her.
She either rejected him and reported him for sidelining her or reported him for sidelining her after he binned her when you got pregnant.
Last time something happened mutual said she was very upset and affected by all the gossip, and people even suggested she left but she refused as she hadn't done anything wrong (in her eyes). Mutual saw her crying outside too apparently, so I don't think she's going to tell anyone tomorrow
You guys trying to help this poster are all wasting your time.
Every comment you have made has been argued back at.
if she wants to make a tit of herself over her prick of a boyfriend, let her get on with it
some people thrive on drama like this
So he is in a higher work position & that makes it ok for you both to verbally assault her in public?
Yup, you are unhinged & your H is a wanker.
Do any of you think my friend had a point when she asked why he didn't say anything at all while I was shouting at her until she tapped him saying we'll have a conversation about this later?
You don't appear able to see what is staring you in the face but seem hell bent on blaming this woman. It takes two to tango and I feel your anger is misplaced. Your partner sounds like a massive twat and you are seriously blinkered, you cannot be living a happy life at the moment. Are you not worth more than this degrading behaviour?
AnyFucker - I'm really sorry if it seems that way, I'm trying to listen and reply to you all. I feel like I'm unravelling...when I saw her I just saw red
NO, why do you think its so important?
Why not ask him ? You don't seem to like any of the replies your getting here.
I have no idea what mystical, righteous interpretation you and your totally unbiased friend have spun on that part of your hideous behaviour.
I think the most important part is the fact that she looked confused. She had no idea what you were talking about.
I did ask, he said he didn't want to make it worse.
Mini - because what my friend was getting at is that if he genuinely believed she'd done something wrong, he would have been backing me up. not trying to pull me away
Mama - doesn't the fact that she came after us make her look like she has something to be guilty of? That and texting him after he told her to fuck off and leave him alone?
Kringle - The club closes down after last night so I don't know if CCTV would go with it. I work for an emergency service and I'm scared now
HE WAS PULLING YOU AWAY SO YOU DIDNT HEAR THE TRUTH.
Ok, so you do agree he is likely to be the one in the wrong here?
I'm guessing she didn't say anything at all when you were shouting at her because she was the only one trying to maintain a bit of dignity in this situation. If some crazy woman came over to me in a public place and pushed me I certainly wouldn't be arguing or shouting back. Not because I had something to hide but because I would be mortified.
I think you're reading into this completely wrong OP
You assault someone with no provocation and are now looking for ways to put the blame on her? There is something very wrong with you.
Your ridiculous 'stalking' analogy also works both ways, by the way. Your DH knew she was likely to be there.
x-posts, too late, the moment has gone...
Yes, he didn't want to make it worse by the truth coming out.
Are you all in your teens ?
No. She came after you and said that she hadn't done anything.
Okay listen to the chorus of opinions. Your partner is a cheat. Sort your own life out. Figure out why you accept such awful treatment from a partner. Chuck him out. Get some therapy. Stop thinking about this woman.
sounds like you and your partner are well matched.
Leave this poor woman alone.
You only have your DP's side of the story-perhaps he was puling you away as he didn't want you to hear what she has to say.
Maybe she said she hasn't done anything wrong because its him after her all along, maybe he pulled you away because he didn't want you to hear the truth and maybe he told her to fuck off because he panicked thinking she was just about to tell you the truth.
I'm pretty sure I know what club you went to last night and I hate to tell you that if it was this place then everything was being recorded for a closing DVD.
You say you work for the emergency services. Does your workplace offer a free counselling service? You sound like you could benefit from getting some tbh.
I suppose deep down I know you're all right, as well as my friend, though she didn't say it so directly. My head is fried, especially having to go home to our 4 year old and 2 month old baby
Look, we have no idea whether or not your partner has had an affair with this woman, currently or in the past.
But if he has, HE is the one who has betrayed you, not her. All this he-said-she-said work gossip about whether or not people felt guilty or looked bad is totally irrelevant, stop blocking up your head with it.
x-posts, counselling (for you individually) sounds like a good idea.
From what you said in your OP, you were all in a public place and you were the one who approached her.
You were the one who started last night's unpleasantness and you were the one who assaulted her.
I seriously think it's you who needs to get a grip.
Also, to imply that your husband's position at work is more secure because he is better liked by his employers is rather dismissive of their statutory obligations regarding sexual harrassment. I wouldn't rely too heavily on his remaining in favour if this situation continues.
Harriet - I meant more than he is much harder to replace than she is, only one person can do his job whereas anyone can do hers and she knows that. Also if she does have feelings for him, she's not going to want to get him sacked and the backlash she'd get for it...
Dragon - Are you serious? :s They wouldn't have been filming the chairs/bar though, surely?
I expect your head is fried because you don't know if you are on your head or your arse, living with a liar effects people that way.
Have you spoken to him much since last night?
Are you confused because her behaviour was that of an innocent person ? If she's the wronged party it may well explain her confusion and insistence on clearing things up with your partner.
His behaviour clearly suggests some wrongdoing on his part.
Either way, he's the one you live with and he's the one in the wrong regardless.
Get your head straight.
I wouldn't be scared if I were you. You acted as you saw fit at the time so you must have believed in yourself when it happened. Every action has a consequence and unless you're thick as shit then somewhere, some part of you must have known this.
I'm all for standing by your convictions be they right or wrong. Worrying won't help you, I'd try and forget the situation until such a time when anyone comes knocking.
You poked her and unless she bruises dead easy, I doubt you've marked her.
Though I am surprised that with such a responsible job, you didn't think about repercussions.
If I were you, I'd be more concerned about your partners actions. They speak louder than words. Me thinks he's not all he's cracked up to be.
If it is the same place then I know they are definitely making a DVD of the night, how much they'll be filming I don't know
By the sounds off it your partner has more to hide then you think cuz why would he pull you away and not let you speak to her and sort it out if she had done anything wrong she wouldn't be confused your making out she has done all the wrong when in fact its your partner and yourself that has
Mini - only for him to repeat that he had done nothing and she won't leave him alone
Blistory - I think her playing dumb and not saying anything bar that enraged me all the more which is why I poked her away twice after she followed us. What specifically - I'm not disagreeing, just trying to arm myself as best as possible - would you say suggests he has done something wrong in his behaviour of last night?
Kringle - what again as above, do you think his actions last night suggest? Also I AM scared because the amount of nice people on here saying she should/they would call the police if they were her, maybe she thinks like that too
you can access counselling through work even when you are on maternity leave, I suggest you make use of it - you have a new baby, there is all this going on, you could do with some independent experienced RL support right now.
The only feelings here are your toad of a partners towards her. She shrugged him off ages ago, doesn't she now live in another country?
Imagine this AIBU
So I'm back home, out with my friends, having a nice time catching up. Then this random, screeching harpy comes over, talking a load of jumbled shite and assaults me!
Only when I notice she's with that married tosser who tried to manipulate me into becoming his OW did I begin to understand, even though I'd done nothing wrong since I knew he was taken, I live abroad FFS.
Then HE swore at me? I've no bloody idea what that was about, I've texted him but no joy.
AIBU to think she's a nutter and he's a lying cunt?
I really doubt that the OP poking or pushing on this woman's arm could result in a charge of violence. I can't believe the hysteria over it. Of course she should not have gone and spoken to the woman but really, she poked/pushed her in the arm when the woman followed to confront...that's all. Waste of police time that would be.
KatieScarlett - the mutual is the one who lives in another country. This woman still works with my partner
His actions could be taken 2 ways.
Either he's been telling porkie pies to you both OR he pulled you away and didn't say much to stop you from digging a deeper hole and getting into trouble. Perhaps it was his way of stopping you from getting drawn into fisty cuffs.
Then when she came and spoke, perhaps he told her to fuck off as a way of again stopping you from escalating things.
I don't know.
That reminds me, one of the times I walked past again I overheard the friend say to the woman that she was really proud of how she handled herself and that she didn't fling my hand away or anything...do you really think he was pulling me away to end the situation as quick as possible out of fear?
On your original thread you listened to fuck all any of us said, you're now doing the same on this thread.
I'm not sure you're all the ticket tbh but you need to wake the fuck up & leave this woman alone! You know nothing about her-she may well have done nothing wrong, your DP on the other hand is a complete tosser & is the one you should be angry at.
There is no way your partner comes out of this well.
I doubt this woman has 'feelings' for him, especially if she has already reported him once. If you have been checking texts and found nothing then I think that says a lot from her POV.
What he does at work, you don't know. It seems strange he chose to take you to a club he knew she would be out at on your night out without the kids...
Yes he was cuz I could tell you now if you done that to me I would have done it back to you. He didn't want the truth to come out that he's still chasing her and she's tellin him to f@#k off
Having 2 linked threads is very confusing, especially now posters are trying to respond to the same issues in both.
If I can be bothered I'll stick with this one, but you're just not listening/understanding that it's your 'D'P you should be tackling about boundary crossing.
I've just spoken to my DP. He's a policeman.
Yes, you could be arrested for common assault from what you've described but the chances of her reporting this(I'm guessing no bruises, cuts) are very slim.
My exh pulled me away when I did similar. It wasn't another woman, it was a relative. He dragged me away to stop things escalating so anything is possible.
I wouldn't get worked up about it. You have more important things to worry about.
I doubt she would get a backlash at work if your partner left! Sounds like he'd be doing the whole female staff a great service! Honestly, he sounds horrific.
Lioninthesun - I've checked his texts and found a few texts from her that he's never replied to. It's also the last chance we'd ever get to go to this club. She definitely had feelings for him at one point, she's there all the time he says even when not at work
Rach - you would have done what back to me?
Wow. Do you have no dignity or self-respect? Do you realise that anybody who saw this will think that you are completely unhinged? Your partner was the problem, but now you are too. I hope she reports this to HR and he gets sacked. Poor woman.
Teeny - I'm coming round, I just don't know what to think anymore. Up until this we'd been fine and now he's telling me that she's the silly woman who won't leave him alone and he's got us, so why he would do that, I just don't understand (I don't mean lie his way out of it, I mean why he'd do any of it when he has us)
Kringle - I really could get arrested on the word of two people with no real proof?
I really don't see what this woman has done wrong. I can understand her confusion!
WeAreDetective - texting my partner when he told her months ago to stay away from him and still speaking to him and work, and then last night texting him again when he had literally just told her to fuck off and leave him alone saying she was in tears and it ruined her night
If you came up to me poking at me I wouldn't have stood there and let you do it
Why doesn't he change his number or just block her - simple! Maybe because he doesn't want to.
I doubt your partner told her to stay away. I bet the text last night was because she has no idea what is/was going on.
I can understand how you have got yourself so wound up about this, but try to look at this from her angle.
She looked confused. A man she is normally at the least friendly with exploded at her, swearing and telling her to stay away from him. To add to this, his wife shouting too. From your earlier posts it would not seem that that is the way he has been behaving - he may have not been answering texts etc but he has been working with her and I think I remember something about a lunch or similar away from the gossip.
If he is her senior and has had an inappropriate friendship (or more) with a junior, he can not lie to her and sideline her. It is not professional, and I think it would be harassment.
She is probably contacting him as she is now worried that he will be doing the sidelining again. This will get him into trouble and reflect poorly on your husband. Nobody is irreplaceable.
In the work context, it does not matter whether people get on, they like each other or if frankly they have been married and split up, they are generally expected to continue working together in professional way. So while he can stop the non work chat, he can not insist she stays away from him at work on professional matters.
I would bet there is somewhere a woman, slightly confused and very worried about what tomorrow will bring.
Your husband has caused you this hurt - it sounds like she backed off when she found out you were pregnant, read into that what you will about what happened before, and I suspect your husband has picked up the friendship again. Has she behaved perfectly - probably not - but she has not behaved as badly towards you as he has.
Fwiiw I suspect that this was/is some soft of emotional affair, but my interpretation based on her confusion, his pulling away and unusual explosion that this was more him than her.
Not sure what to advise except please don't let yourself approach her again and look at your relationship closely.
Hope you are ok.
What??? You pushed her about and shouted at her in the street and you want her to leave you alone? I don't understand. Shame your partner couldn't leave her alone when he was meant to and sorry to point out the obvious but I bet he's still seeing her now which is why she looked confused, he probably told her you'd broken up or something. Anyway, all sounds very undignified. Why don't you hold dp responsible for his indiscretion and leave him in an adult and respectful fashion with head held high?
I blocked her on Viber so she couldn't message him anymore when she messaged him 3 months ago. Then he sent her a few messages meant for someone else saying nothing really but thats the only time he's replied, even when she's text merry christmas etc
Unfortunately yes. Its how police find out facts. (That's my swing on things, dh not in the room).
Thank you for all replies, I genuinely mean that. Idon't know what I would have done today without here as a sounding board.
Woo - do you really think he was fine with her until shouting at her last night?
How do you mean its how police find out facts?
That poor woman, sounds like she has been harassed by your husband at work and then when on a night out with friends she gets harangued by this screeching harridan. If I were her I'd be lodging grievances anywhere I could.
you don't know he hasn't replied and as for her texting him last night, he had verbally abused her, she had every right to challenge him, you dopn't get to treat people however you like and expect them to just do what they are told because you want them to
Phoenix, I think most of us think he was fine with her until that point.
Personally, I don't believe there was an affair, but if there was it would be your DPs fault. Remember, this is the bloke who was quite happy to pretend you didn't exist.
What evidence do you have for anything ever happening between your husband and her? Do you just have his version of anything?
Gobby - you don't think there was an affair? I think you're the first person to say that!
HolidayArmadillo - The whole thing lasted about two minutes so it wasn't as if I caused a huuuge scene, though I appreciate it wasn't a good thing I did
WeekendsAreHappyDays - He'd told her to leave him alone, though, and she still didn't? If she had any self respect wouldn't she have just left it? (again, I know I could have reacted better)
HA - Yes, he said she hasn't left him alone for a year and he hasn't done anything
My devil's advocate friend also pointed out this woman was talking to two men at the time who she may have been on a date with...
You are really clutching at straws now.
I think he probably was fine before last night. If he wasn't, she wouldn't have been so confused. Didn't you find out about a lunch away from the 'gossip'? It could have been as just friendly colleagues, but to be honest that would probably be even more confusing to her - why if they were just friends should she be treated like that?
I would think it very odd if my husband behaved in that way - although I think he would have pulled me back because he would be embarrassed of the scene regardless of what happened.
Honestly, I think your senses tell you you do not know the whole story and probably never will. That can make you feel powerless. What you can control is how you behave from now.
I hope for you that there are no repercussions, however from over 10 years working in hr these situations do have a habit of bleeding into work and I suspect your husband will have some explaining to do. If anything , We also expect a higher degree of integrity and behaviour from our managers so I hope he does not try to further alienate her at work.
Maybe time for him to seek alternative employment???
some people (like me) hate being told what to do - if you had verally abused me like that in public, I would have texted out of anger and for the hell of it to be honest
I very much doubt she would've been confused if the partner of the person she'd been illicitly shagging, and who she probably knew would be at the event, came and had a go a her.
So your husband told you this woman has been after him for a year? And you believe him? With nothing to corroborate this? You're mad. Sorry. But you are. I'd do what the poster unthread suggested and contact this woman, apologise profusely and ask for her version. Your partner is spinning you a line and you've foolishly fallen for it. Even if they have been having rampant sex she is not the one who made marriage vows to you, or impregnated you and promised to be a good partner and father. She owes you nothing. Your ire needs to be directed elsewhere.
and so what is she was out on a date - you are going to make yourself really ill and you have 2 small children in this mess as well
if you value your husbands job I would advice against contacting her!
You have posted on here admitting you assaulted the woman. If the police took your computer, they would find the evidence too.
How many times did you walk back past her? Surely there was no need to do that?
But she was texting to find out why she deserved being attacked.
And what makes you think that just because your DH told that what he said to her, that this is what happened??
Woo - No, he never met her. I saw the message on his phone from her and confronted him about it and blocked her. He's always so unhappy in his job and is very stressed but when we talk about it we feel we cant have him leave because he has responsibilities/our chuldren/mortgage to pay for
Weekends - why would she have text saying she was in tears and it had ruined her night if she wasn't trying to play the sympathy card? With the date thing, my friend meant that this woman could have been sitting there with a date and I shouted at her about my partner making myself look worse
HA - Yes he said that since I saw them together/first heard from the mutual
He shouted at her to fuck off and fuck off and leave him alone at work too
You actually think she needed to pay any attention to someone who behaved like this - it was disgusting
She texted him because she HAD NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING ON.
Myrtle - twice. She'd stayed sitting down looking like she'd been crying for about an hour and a half. My partner didn't look at her and kept his eyes down, though we didn't hold hands while walking past either of those times. The way to the smoking area was that way thats why we passed
Have another look at the text. The bulk of it isn't about her upset.
If that was the case, wouldn't she be more inquisitive, not tell him she was crying and it ruined her night that she'd paid £150 to go to
"Play the sympathy card" to whom, for what???
She. Is. Not. Your. Main. Problem.
What, you don't think she has the right to be shocked and upset after being assaulted and verbally abused for doing fuck all?
Weekends - why would she have text saying she was in tears and it had ruined her night if she wasn't trying to play the sympathy card?
Maybe because its the truth, she was pissed off, she spent a lot of money and got attacked and verbally abused by him and his wife???
It doesn't read the way to me that you are reading it.
Re police finding out facts.
People are only ever arrested on suspicion of something.
Its how police get to the nittygritty of incidences and sort the fact from non fact.
From a police pov I seriously doubt anything will come of this.
Calm down x
Would I maybe get a warning though?
What is it going to take for you to listen to what we are all saying?
She isn't your problem!!!
Play the sympathy card? You're deluded! She said her night was ruined because she was sat minding her own business on a night out when you went all batshit crazy on her ass and she has no idea what the fuck was going on?!
AF is right... Op has her point of view and is relentlessly sticking too it.
MadBusLady - to get sympathy from my partner, what other motive would she have to tell him shes upset
KatieScarlett - I think after he told her to fuck off, she should have listened. Texting him after that just looks desperate
WeAreDetective - I'm honestly not trying to sound that way. I'm hungover, don't know which way up I am and trying to look at what happened before I return home to him and my children
Only one of you is desperate-it isn't her.
Oh well, you just keep on believing love.
"to get sympathy from my partner"
But WHY would that matter, if he isn't going to give her any sympathy? As long as he is being 100% faithful and straight with you, it doesn't matter a damn what she does or how desperate she looks.
But you seem more interested in fixating on her behaviour than holding him to account for his.
So you have a new born baby and go out to a club for a night out and end up in a fight? What if you'd been arrested?
From the sound of your man there I think he's a liar and a cheat and tries to wind up everyone around him.
For yourself, you're a mum now and need to calm down and act in a respectable manner, ffs.
she doesn't look desperate she looks annoyed and upset, you want her to look desperate because that suits how you want to see things, if this had escalated and she had retaliated you would all have been arrested, you are PARENTS, not teenagers rowing in a nightclub
Then look to your home and your husband, not to her. She is not your problem.
I think you're missing the point that everyone is trying to make. Stop focussing on the fact that she told him she's upset so quite obviously wants your DH sympathy. Would you not be upset if you had just been attacked in a club whilst out minding your own business with your friends? Particularly if you had no idea what was going on. I certainly would be, and I'd be well within my rites to contact that person to ask what the hell that was about and tell them that my night was now ruined. Or are you such a wet lettuce that you would let someone bully you and get away with it, particularly if you have to work with them?
You sound like a very jealous, insecure woman who doesn't like the fact that your DH clearly has a crush on an attractive woman. Get over it.
This superior at work is happy to lie to get what he wants at work. That is the level he will stoop to.
He didn't block her you did.
They were all over each other not her.
It would ruin my night and I would be bloody upset if I were treated the way she were treated by a work colleague and his P. Absolutely disgusting to be trying to turn this on her playing the sympathy card. She sounds a lot more professional in that text that your P acted and let you behave.
Unfortunately OP you have to blame her and attack her don't you?
Because to look at your P is too scary and too close to home. The one you thought loved and respected you and would never do this to you. The one you decided to have children with and thought you would spend happily ever after with.
Too scary to go there and face the truth isn't it.
So easier to blame someone else.
Anyone else rolling their eyes at him a while ago texting her BY ACCIDENT talking about nothing?
Pull the other one, it's got bells on.
I think in 20 years I've sent someone a wrong text about twice, received wrong ones about five times. And never to or from someone that I was keeping out of contact with.
Doesn't matter what she's done, you shouldn't have acted like a fishwife shoving her. And I bet it was shove, not poke.
As everyone keeps saying and you keep ignoring... HE IS YOUR PROBLEM, NOT HER.
Keep some dignity
Why would he text her about an appointment that he has with someone else that said nothing? She played along pointing out that he'd sent it to the wrong person with a winky face and he said he hadn' realised it was the wrong person. What would be the point of that?
God this is the world's worst hangover, I can't ignore so many people saying the same thing
Magoria - how did she sound professional?
I don't understand what I should do if he won't admit anything and I have no real proof
Can I ask you why you are still with this man?
He'd do it just to be in touch ? To initiate a conversation of sorts ? You'd blocked the viber, so he used another method ?
If he won't admit anything and you have no proof then leave the poor girl ALONE!
Sheesh. Get some counselling too.
He sees her most days at work though, so why would he do that, that sounds pointless
Milan - because with two children, a mortgage and wanting to believe a man I've loved for 7 years isn't making afool of me
Oh, god, Phoenix, there's no hope for you is there?!
Going by what your mutual friend told you (other thread):
• EITHER they did have a bit of a thing last year, OR your boyfriend got obsessed with her and she played along for a while, because he's her senior and a lot of young women don't know what to do with a creepy boss.
• I reckon he cut her out of the work project through spite. Maybe he'd tried it on with her and she knocked him back. I reckon she may have complained about his harassment then, too.
• The row your friend witnessed seems to be very much about HER telling HIM to back off. This makes it more likely he was harassing her, and she'd finally realised he wasn't going to stop.
• She is NOT chasing him, it's the other way around. He's spun this story to cover himself with you, and out of embarrassment.
• Work will have told him to shape up and behave professionally around her. He will have agreed. She probably thought it was all sorted.
• Then you turn up acting like the lunatic fishwife from hell. No wonder she was confused ("what have I done?") and upset.
• He shouted at her to fuck off because you wanted him to! He was just sticking to his story, that she chases him.
• He's lying to you, Phoenix. HE risked his job by letching all over her, getting emotional about her at work, refusing to back off. HIM. Do you get that??
Never mind your P making a fool out of you OP, you're making a complete fool out of yourself now.
So she thinks of him, and he has some kind of communication with her, sometimes that's enough for a person who has a crush, just to be acknowledged. As you said, she played along and gave him the contact he wanted.
Maybe once sending a message to the "wrong person" could be explained away, but a couple of times? Surely the first time would've taught you to double check before you send the message. Blinkers comes to mind.
Wow. Just wow.
I don't think she's having an affair with him. It's probably someone else and he doesn't want you to know who or to try finding out so he's telling you its her to keep you off the scent.
She probably texted him as any normal person would... to find out what is going on. Wanting to talk at work means she wants an explanation.
Being upset... imagine you're out with friends and some random person attacks you, and you notice your work colleague is there and he's telling you to F* off and you barely talk to him at work, let alone outside work. You're extremely confused and hurt. Add the history of him lying before and her being treated badly... She's worried he's spreading lies again.
Re viber and him not replying. Bullshit. He's deleted his replies and kept her msgs so you think she's chasing him.
You blocked her and he "accidentally" msg her? Only possible if he still had her details in his phone.
You're being played. This woman has no idea what you're talking about. She is the victim of your DPs lies.
PhoenixRising1979 But he is making a fool of you and if you let him get away with it this time he will keep on doing it.
Oh I only blocked her on Viber, she could still call/text him. He didn't accidently message her on separate occassions, there was 3 messages in a row that he sent to this other person with her replying andhim saying he didn't realise it wasn't the right person and he didn't lookproperly. What on earth would he get out of her telling him he sent a message to the wrong person?
So he's liedto us both?
Blimey OP. You've painted yourself into a corner now. If you were in a club, they will have CCTV. Leave this woman alone. Take it up with your partner because he most certainly IS lying to you.
OW and he might well have decided on a game-plan should discover occur. I don't think it's over just now but you could be in trouble if this woman decides to involve your antics. Confrontation is never a good thing in my opinion, but to do so unprepared is insane.
So sorry that you're going through such a rough time but please, for your own sake, don't do anything else.
Why did you and he go to this event when you knew she would be there?
he gets contact and to see how the land lays, if she will respond, if she will be nice, or nasty - I have done it to test waters in the past.
GarlicReturns YES YES YEEESS! GOT IT!!!!
Its a conspiracy. The 'accidental' messages were code messages for something else entirely.
I wouldnt confront the OW. But I wont fault you for doing so OP. We aren't automatons who dont feel anger, upset, hurt, injustice etc and can always just walk away to the moral high ground. Your partner is hugely at fault here - but Im not of the opinion that just because the OW is female, she should be seen as an innocent party in an affair. No, she is NOT innocent. Theyre as bad as each other. I hope she doesnt involve the police. If she does and story comes out then she wont look good anyway. I hope all is resolved for you, and that you can have an honest conversation with your partner IF you are staying with him, and move on from this ...
This is a mad thread.
But FWIW why would he send a text to this woman 'by mistake"? Because it's a way of keeping in contact.
Teeny - in the messages she replied just telling him that he'd sent the messages to the wrong person so there was no hidden intent there at least
Weekend - but if he talks to her at work, then I genuinely don't see the point of him texting her at home with me about an appointment with someone else
Lying - CCTV would only show a grainy image of us talking, the more I think about it
KatieScarlett - because we bought tickets when they came out, we've been going to the club for years and it was closing last night. She only bought tickets this month from a tout just to go
I am ducking out of this - you know what is going on, you just don't want to listen, stay away from her, stay away from his works and start dealing with your huge relationship issues.
Also start looking after yourself and your children.
You have just had a baby this is not good for you, them, or your mental health.
You went there to confront her and you know it.
Weekend - I hope its not seemed that way, but I've really appreciated your responses
Let's hope you're right, OP because most CCTV that I'm familiar with is not at all grainy; it's there for a specific purpose.
For the record, texts sent to the 'wrong person' are usually _nothing of the kind_; excepting the genuine ones, they are a 'prompt' or, as somebody else has said, a coded message for something else that will mean nothing to you.
Poor Poor OW although I don't think she's an OW. IMO from both threads I've read, I think your DP is probably being inappropriate with her and for a better word the office 'sex pest' with her - flirting, over friendly and probably a little inappropriate towards a colleague. He probably is trying her luck with her and she is in an awkward position of try to do her job, remain professional hoping he will go away.
The 3rd party who told you of 'the affair' only saw them being friendly with each other. She never said that rumour in the office was they were nipping off to hotels together and you yourself say that he is only ever at work and home.
As for being in the same club as you at the weekend, what if your DP decided to go to the club knowing SHE was going to be there. I think the fact you yourself say she had a genuine confused look after your verbal assault and obscenities on her tells you all you should know.
That should have said I hope it HAS seemed not hasn't
Cab I thought the same! OP it's a classic tactic! It allows you to make contact seemingly innocently so if she told him to do one he has the get out clause of saying it was an accident!
Forum - she saw them being more thanfriendly - her with her arms around his neck/her hands on his chest, and him with his arms round her waist, and him touching her neck...but all of that was 7/8 months ago
Lying - without sound, surely all you'd see is me talking to her sitting down and then her flying up out of her seat at us walking away?
PhoenixRising1979 I don't think she has reported this "incident/assault" to the police.
But you are taking the word of a 3rd party. Maybe it was more him with her? IMO depending on the environment of their work place that is very unprofessional and inappropriate behaviour and I wonder if someone was having an affair they would so blatantly and openly be all over each other - surely it would be the opposite and want to hide it.
I still think you DP is after her and pursuing her inappropriately.
IMO I believe the 'OW' with her confused look and her saying she'd done nothing wrong. I don't think she has. I think this poor woman is probably trying as kindly and friendly as she can be fending off inappropriate advances from your DP without causing a scene or trouble at work and without falling out with him.
IF this 'mutual' as you call her is acting with good intent and isn't a complete meddling, fantasist lunatic herself, then sure - something was going down with those two. Or at the very least, he was touching her inappropriately in a workplace.
He never even told her you existed. Made out he had a child but failed to mention he was living with that child's mother.
Even the mutual says this woman's a nice person.
CAN'T YOU SEE?
This mutual has been trying to tell you that your partner's a disloyal toad.
Jeez, I'd have a lot of sympathy for you if you hadn't already sounded a bit weird on that other thread with your pregnancy announcement at their workplace and the bit that seemed to send all the nice writers packing....that you'd checked his phone since the year dot.
But this is in a different league. Still you can't see the truth.
Ah...it seems theres a different slant on things. I now cant work out if she is the OW, or not. IF she isnt and you're just going on hearsay OP...& its your partner who is attempting to be inappropriate with her and is hassling her...then, youre lucky she didnt floor you. I would have, no question. I wonder if your partner engendered this meeting/situation on purpose? This sounds very confusing now but either way, its not nice for you at all and its your partner's fault in the 1st instance anyway.
Has it not occured to you OP that if they both knew the other was going last night that they will have had a conversation about it beforehand?
She probably said she wouldn't cause any trouble with you and he probably told her you don't know who she is, so not to worry. They both probably agreed to ignore each other.
You don't have access to the dialogue which is undoubtedly going on between them. He doesn't need to reply to her texts by text. He probably replies later by another method.
And the mistaken text - testing the water definitely. MM used to do it to me all the time. Some inane e-mail saying nothing, to see if I would reply.
OP here's the reason she texted him to say she was upset and it had ruined her night. It was because she was upset and it ruined her night.
The reason she texted him is because they are always texting each other. Just because you don't see the texts, doesn't mean they don't exist.
She has already reported him once at work (for harrassing her? For discriminating against her because she'd knocked him back?) so if I were her I would report him again. The fact that he is more senior than her will not count in his favour. In fact it will be worse because he will be seen as using his position of power inapprorriately.
He tried to pull you away last night before the woman had a chance to say to you "Hold on Phoenix, you do realise he's the one that's been unable to leave me alone, persuing me and throwing his toys out of the pram when I said no"
The reason they fell out whe you got pregnant is because he had told her his marriage was over, you didn't sleep together, just stayed together for the DC / mortgage / appearances / because you're a bit barmy, whatever. When you got pregnant she would have clocked on that that was all a crock of shit.
He sent her texts meant for someone else? Really? That old chestnut!
He is lying to you. Every step of the way. Concentrate on him, not her
Ton - Gunz - Doha - None so blind as those that will not see
You are going through a horrible time, Phoenix, and I'm sad for you. You're not helping yourself by blaming Ms Pretty for a problem in your relationship, though.
Having read both threads, she looked confused as she's done nothing wrong and had no idea at all why you'd be attacking her.
If someone I worked with did that to me, I'd want to know why. I'd also be bloody upset if someone had ruined my night out.
Your OH is a toad. If I was her I'd be straight to HR in the morning.
Sending an accidental message. Well you know, to my embarrassment I've considered it. Never done it!
But you - send something really obviously for someone else to ex boyfriend you're no longer in context with. In my mind, he'd reply to let me know and most importantly, he'd be really pleased to now have the opportunity to have a little chat during which (as my fantasy goes) he remembers how funny and cool and I am.
Fact is, it's fucking transparent and embarrassing, hence I've never done it. Just mooned around imagining how it would lead to more.
I think that's why he did it.
To be honest work could quite easily say "this incident happened outside of the office" eg what you get up to outside office has no bearing on what happens inside the office.
This could happen despite the HR stuff re sexual harassment.
there is no way two colleagues would be touching each other in that way unless they were either massively flirting or seeing each other. it just wouldn't happen. she's confused because she knows he likes her. he's covering his arse. you are not going to get the truth out of him at this stage. all your instincts are telling you something's not right - now you have to decide whether you are going to listen to them or not. that's the crux of it now - do you trust yourself enough to believe yourself?
No Yo they wouldn't, and my ex would confirm that OP since he had an affair at work and did those touchy things in public.
But really. The person you could be having this out with is HIM. And if you're not satisfied with his responses you can tell him you want time out to think about this relationship because it isn't great, is it?
Do all women always attack or have it out with the OW/OM??? And let the DP go away scot free??
Str8tothepoint. Because some women are made to believe that their DP could never do anything wrong (him usually the one who has made her like this) so they believe it is all the OWs fault, it is not uncommon in my circle of friends
OP seems to forget that at the time there was supposed to be reciprocal flirting her 'D'P had not even mentioned that the OP existed. Even if there had been something going on it was not this woman's fault, she had been lied to. When she found out about him she told him she wanted nothing more to do with him yet he kept approaching her! But according to the OP she is totally the one to blame and is stalking him??
Your partner sounds like a lying unfaithful dick and you are acting like a utter loon.
Oh, you might need to think about getting back to work earlier than you planned. There is a strong possibility that your partners job is now on the line and he will struggle to find anything remotely comparable after being dismissed for sexual harassment.
PrincessPeaShooter I think the back to work early plan is good advice, but for a different reason: because he should LTB.
I don't know, I suppose an affair is an affair... but seems an extra high grade kind of arsehole that'd be openly cuddling their affair partner at work?
(And - yuck, how unprofessional and awkward for everyone else. Even if the two were married, if they worked for me I'd tell them to cut it out in work time!!)
There is nothing to say there was an affair except the word of a 'concerned' friend. Who seemed hell bent on shit stirring.
Didn't stop mine Cab and in some 'professional' circles it happens a lot.
Come on Cab I think it's fairly obvious that her partner could begging his colleague for sex and getting sharply turned down in front of the OP and she would still twist it to hussy trying to steal my man. This relationship is only ending when he gets a better offer.
Also, a person is not guilty when they think their BF is single. He had (or tried to have) an affair, but from what the OP has posted the 'OW' is blatantly innocent.
Well I'm sat here in tears. The friend I mentioned earlier did Garlic's suggestion and contacted this woman on Facebook asking the truth
PhoenixRising1979 Where is your partner at the moment?
I don't think your partner will be fired OP as this happened outside the office.
But he may well get a warning IF and only IF the 'OW' complains.
I think you need to have it out with your DP and get the truth. And get thee to therapy over your jealous behaviour.
She said that they never slept together or anything like that, but he was veryaffectionate to her, touching her hair/her all the time, showing genuine interest in her life, would talk and he told her how beautiful she was, and how being with her made him happy and he looked forward to seeing her and even mentioned the L word and she was so sure of him as he was so blatant. He would stand and stroke her neck in public, she even knows his card's pin number.
When I came in in the summer time he told her I was pregnant but didn't sound happy about it and that after the lying work wise she told him to stay away. He kept trying to say hi and the like and then had that argument where he said how awkward it is that she wasn't acknowledging him when he tried to acknowledge hher and she told him she had nothing to say to him and at work she would be professional but beyond that wanted nothing to do with him.
Then when the job brought them into contact again he started being nice like he used to be when they were alone, but didn't acknowledge her in front of people but sometimes if he caught her in the car park he'd rant to her about stufflike he used to or ask about her. She said she gave him something in September time that she won in a raffle but that he'd like and he accepted it excitedly. Shealso said there was that familiarity but with an awkward element in the mix now
Theres more but I'll put that in a separate post
why the hell is this woman getting so involved?? It is not her place to. Did you ask her to or has she just decided to interfere anyway? You know interfering in someone elses marriage/relationship just isn't on.
You have to be careful she doesn't get you done for harassment
Urgh. So basically he was auditioning her for the role of OW, and got knocked back when she realised you were pg.
I'm sorry, phoenix, what a scumbag he is.
BTW, I am assuming the friend who contacted her is the friend you have confided in about all this, not the "mutual work friend" who's been relaying bits and pieces from the workplace.
They talk normally at work and everything was 'fine', he attempted to call her a nickname he used to call her and she told him not to. I also found out that he knew she'd been to this club before. In August she'd left a note for her boss (not him) saying she was booking off X date as she was going to this event...she'd left the note under her handbag and he'd moved it, read it and then about 20 mins later brought up that she was going and they had a chat about it
In October she sent him that message asking if she could meet him for a coffee away from work as she didn't want to start any more rumours off. She told my friend the reason she'd done it was because she had heard more rumours about him and her and she wanted to know if he knew where it had come from away from walls with ears. When she brought up the fact he 'blocked' her he told her I'd gone mental and when she explained what it was about his reply was 'ohh right' quite casually and that she told him that he knows she cares about him and she'd never do anything on purpose to cause trouble for him. When he asked what the rumour was she didn't want to say at work but told him that he knew she was attracted to him so it didn't take agenuis to work what it was out and that he didn't follow and laughed saying he was happy with me and she told him that she wasn't propositioning him and he walked off grinning.
Then a month or so later she reminded him about shadowing him (which they'd talked about the month prior) as he is the big boss (as well as two other people) and he agreed, so the only text she sent were saying a few days she could do and questioning him when he didn't turn up, and one christmas/NY text that she'd hit send all on
Then this month in early Jan she'd spoken to him about last night's event and about tickets being sold out and he looked online for tickets for her and confirmed they were sold out and looked at the line up together having a nice chat
She said they'd spoken last week about a personal matter and he told her he would ask me for my professional opinion and let her know what I said for her.
All this last week she said he's been avoiding her and not looking at her or physically looking down when she's around.
Then last night happened. And she told my friend she's in bits and doesn't know what to do, she's been devastated all day and is terrified about going in to work tomorrow. She also admitted to my friend that she was in love with him but had been nothing but friendly/normal since finding out about the baby
MadBus - Yes thats right
she knows this woman is your friend - you are not going to get the truth like this either accept it and move on or tackle your dp - leave her alone and do not get your friends involved, it gets more child like by the post
I don't know what you think, but I believe her and I think you've been played.
It's obvious there's no affair going on right now, but he seems to enjoy making you crazy about it.
The lying would really bother me.
Well, TBF, this is the first time there has been a proper alternative story to set against the bloke's, that isn't based on what someone else overheard or saw at work.
And he doesn't look good. Not surprised he was trying to drag you away from her.
What are you going to do? I presume he will just deny all this.
She said she was so confused as nothing has happened like that in 7 months and the last time they spoke he was being nice to her saying he'd ask me for my help for her so to have me shouting at her when that was the last time they spoke ?!
The woman gave this amount of detail on FB messages? Really?
There are more interlopers involved in this than a military coup.
No, she contacted her through facebook but then spoke to her on the phone.
She also said that she has a text on her phone offering to come in to help her with her work and get my parents to look after our child if she wanted wtf
I would be inclined to believe her, she has no vested interest because A) she doesn't have to keep you happy B) by saying she is in love with him but dropping him in the shit, she is unlikely to please him.
I suspect he told her that his physical relationship with you was dead, you were basically nothing more than parents to your first child. She started to fall for this lie and an affair would have happened, had it not been for you announcing the pregnancy. To her credit, it appears that she put you first in this and was understandably upset that he had lied to both of you.
What are you going to do about your relationship with this deceitful scumbag?
MBL - Does her version sound believable to you?
Why would he be nice to her saying he'd ask me for my help 'for her', then avoid her and not be able to look at her last week...and then last night?!
I'd say the only thing she's lying about now is that nothing physical went on between them before the pregnancy announcement.
I once had the wife of a colleague have a real go at me at a work function because she thought I was the OW. Nothing could have been further from mine or her husband's minds. We got on well as colleagues and really enjoyed working together. I was 18, he was 30 with a young child. I think one of the reasons we did get on was because, in a male dominated environment, he was one of the few I knew would never try it on not least because he was utterly besotted with his wife and adored his child. His face lit up when he talked about them and he did so often.
I say this because it is possible to get entirely the wrong end of the stick, especially after a few drinks. She was hugely embarrassed and apologised to me profusely the next day. I was just bewildered and then really felt her pain the next day. Had she have assaulted me, as you did, I don't think I'd have been quite so forgiving. I also suspect her husband would have resigned due to the shame.
I'm afraid, like others, I think your husband's the problem here and I think your relationship sounds utterly horrible and really, really immature.
You say he's the 'big boss'. Is he the kid in a suit on the bog roll advert?
Oh thats another thing, she said he told her on a certain date that would make me 10 weeks, a week after I told him and before he told anyone else
She could well be downplaying her part.
But that isn't really as important as the fact that it drops him squarely in the shit, and it tallies with stuff you already know.
Tinsel - I didn't get the wrong of the stick though, did I?
When I say big boss, I mean boss of big dept rather than her direct supervisor
MBS - when you say drops him in the shit, would you class this as an affair?
Well, it sounds to me like he has been playing the both of you - she has been leaving you both alone, you need to decide what to do - not a bunch of internet strangers.
Also, why on earth would he be fine with her, then avoid her to the point of looking to the floor last week, to shouting fuck off at her last night?!
Weekends - if she's been doing nothing for 7 months, why would he still tell me shes obsessed with her
I'm not sure you can be sure, with so many sticks, proxy sticks and 'friends' sticking their beaks in where the stick does indeed have an end, let alone which one's which.
I do know I'd think long and hard about grasping his stick until I KNEW precisely where it had been.
Do you really need me to answer that?
Of course it's an affair! She's in love with him and he spoke of love to her. She knew his pin code! No-one's that tactile in full view of people when there's nothing physical going on, especially so now you know the feelings were reciprocated and mutual. They were seen holding hands weren't they?
She's not going to tell your friend she shagged him, is she?
I don't know, my friend said she sounded 'broken'
Weekends - are you going to say because he still wants her? Or wants her to be?
He gave you a load of shit last night before going out that she was a stalker.
That fuck off was for your benefit, to keep that story going of course!
Sorry, no I understand that (as much I can get my head around any of this), I meant more why would he tell her I'd help her and be nice to her...and then not be able to look at her all last week
Of course she's broken.
The man she's in love with turned on her last night after you'd shoved her and gave her a mouthful too.
Actually thats not strictly true that there has to be an "affair", when I was young I had a boss who made my stomach churn, literally, just being in the same room as him would give me butterflies, he was all over me, all the time, we chatted, but never spoke out of work and nothing ever "actually" happened, we would hug and flirt etc, dance together at work dos and be pretty inseparable.
All unspoken and innuendo.
One night he turned up at a works do with one of our clients, who he was having an affair with.
I told him to go fuck himself and we had a huge row.
One day soon after (small firm) he called me into his office to apologise. He said he had come to work the next day expecting everyone to say I had been over reacting, and basically every one we worked with had bollocked him, saying he couldn't behave the way he had and not expect repercussions.
This was all a very long time ago and I was very young and naive - outwardly you would have thought things had happened, but nothing actually ever did.
I certainly would never behave like it now - nor would I expect DH to. But things like OP is describing without actually anything physical happening.
Because he's in love with her. He's ben trying to get her to resume things for months.
I'm real sorry to say that to you.
PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 20:34:50
I don't know, my friend said she sounded 'broken'
Weekends - are you going to say because he still wants her? Or wants her to be?
HE is saying what he thinks you want to hear to save his own arse.
At THE very least, it was an emotional affair. The love word was used,they were affectionate with each other and turned to one another for support and to sound off.
It seems to me he was hoping for it to become more, but then you announced your pregnancy which put a stop to it
which she did.
The fact he isn't even being honest about it and is still lying to you speaks volumes about how much he respects you, plus the EA on top. I would be kicking him out pronto!
Do they manage to get any work done, at their so called workplace?
You know, in between the gossip, meddling, hair stroking and shouting?
You actually think he's in love with her too?
My friend said the woman broke down in tears saying that she was so sure he felt the same and if I hadn't got pregnant he would have left me. She was so sure because of how he was in public, so sure because clients had assumed they were together
She told my friend she never wanted to hurt me and until last night never felt any animosity towards me, just sad. And that he mentioned my name maybe 4 times in 5 months
Oh your husband has a hell of a lot to answer for. What are you going to do??
Sorry! Partner, not husband
And that she'd offered to be moved to another supervisor and he said no and started back tracking, then a few days later I came in and saw her there, we had an argument, I banned him from having anything to do with her, and she said he said he couldn't do this anymore but talking about the work project and made a total fool of her, which destroyed her
I very much doubt he would have left tbh.
I'm alternating between feeling desperately sorry for you, OP, and wanting to slap some sense into you. Bottom line is your partner has shit on you from a great hight and unless he starts to be honest right now there is no way you'll be able to save your marriage. Word of advice, don't believe a word he has said about any of this.
Not marriage, relationship
This is just what you were told on your other thread had happened wasn't it?
They were an item till you announced the pregnancy?
No I don't think he loves her, and I don't think he loves you either. He loves himself. He's being the "good guy" by staying with you because you got pregnant. If you hadn't he may have left you for her, may have left her for someone else...
Doesn't really matter anyway. What DOES matter is he's been lying to you about her stalking him, about his part in the affair (emotional and/or sexual), about her texting him and him texting her.
He's been cheating on you. A good way to find out for sure is if she knows the actual PIN number. I don't know my male work colleagues PIN numbers (I know my female colleagues 'cause I get her lunch but she has to write it down for me because I deliberately forget it). That's pretty telling of how close they are/were.
If you want more proof check the phone bills.
I'd LTB... for not other reason that he'd lied and there was no trust there anymore (and I'm sorry bt I'm not the kind to be able to build that back up and I shouldn't have to).
OP, forgive me, but are you known as a bit of a character? Do you come across as a bit brash and well acquainted with the teachings of the school of hard knocks? I only ask because there seems to be a lot of third party involvement in what should really be an issue between he two of you and it might be that some of those third parties are either lighting the blue touch paper or exaggerating things because they either think it's what you want to hear or are resentful to have been wrapped in your dirty laundry but too fearful to climb out the basket.
Yes, Tonandfeather, it is what you said. She said the day before we went on holiday he was stroking her neck standing behind her...then a week later he comes back and tells her that
Syka - she told my friend the number and it was the right one to his card
Tinsel - No, not really, I have a professional job and normal life...until this weekend apparently
I'm sorry Phoenix, but I'm sure he's lied to you. What you do about it now is up to you.
I wasn't on your other thread, but I agreed with some posters take on it.
I stick by what I said on this one. I don't think co-workers in modern times are this affectionate when they aren't physical outside of the office.
I don't blame her too much for making out to your friend that they haven't shagged. She's probably a bit frightened you'd kick off again and it would drop him even more in the sticky stuff.
Does it make any difference though?
Pheonix. What do you think happened? Would you stay with him if there had been an affair. Do you really want to stay with a man you have to check up on through 3rd parties and spy on? Can you get him to move out for a few days? Have you a mum who can come and help with baby and listen to you and give you good advice. You need some real life help. You seem unable to accept what is glaringly obvious and are hanging onto really unimportant points or occurrences in this mess.
You need to let him know what you know, how you know it and discuss it. You sound really young. Is your partner a lot older than you?
If everything she said is true? I don't know, I can't live like this
I'm still angry at her and I can't shake that
OK. I just don't get this whole involvement of other people, thing. Or why someone from his work would contact you in the first place.
Really, from the outset, how much of this information has arrived unsolicited and how much have you pushed for it? People have office affairs a lot and other people always know. They don't generally report the behaviour to people's partners.
At the end of the day, you can either live with the certain knowledge you'll never know the truth or bail.
If your driven to trying to wring information out of her, via third parties, rather than feeling confident in taking his word you may as well get out while you can.
Surely nothing can be more traumatic, or embarrassing than this carry on?
No, she's 10 years younger, we are both 35
She's saying the same things as this mutual friend of yours said. Their accounts are virtually identical. She wasn't to know you had an insider reporting back on the physical affection that was going on. Yet it all matches up.
Are you angry with him?
But are you angry at your partner?? I would be!
Why are you angry at her? She was reacting to what he told her, just as you are reacting to what he's told you.
She's a victim of his lies too. You have to see that.
I am, but I feel almost numb. She apparently offered to speak to me if I wanted, which has annoyed me as its like she 'has' to be the better person
Or maybe she is trying to unpick the lies because she feels as duped and you in all this
How is she trying to unpick the lies?
Fucksake. Don't speak to her if you don't want to, but you need to get over feeling like she's conspiring against you.
I kinda understand this.
Objectively, we can see that this is a young soppy woman who was conned by a senior co-worker into thinking he wasn't in a relationship with his child's mother any more. By the time she found out he was still living with you, she was in too deep and doubtless he made out you were apart but living together. Then came the pregnancy and your control measures and he was a coward.
But to YOU she's a woman who didn't walk away quick enough, says she's in love with your partner and you'e facing up tonight to the possibility he feels the same. You're jealous and sad and that's coming out as anger to her.
But honey, it's HIM who deserves that anger and contempt.
By wanting to see you.
She's realised how much he has lied to both her and also to you.
Talking directly is one way of stopping him spouting bollocks any more
I really don't mean to cast aspersions but is it at all possible that you're letting yourself 'read in' a bit here? It's not just that someone from his work would let you know cold (rather than confronting him or telling HR that two people, one in a relationship with someone she knew, were being overly affectionate on company time) in the first place but also why a 25 year old woman would agree to talk to a friend of yours on the phone. Surely she'd be terrified?
It just doesn't make sense. Could you possibly be trying to force you partner into admitting to what you think he's done by presenting him with evidence of an affair, even where that evidence is, at best, inconclusive.
If not, what more do you need to know? He's an office predator who might or might not have had an affair with a particular person.
What is it you actually WANT out of the situation?
You lot are all as bad as the other "3rd party" participants in this ridiculous drama.
I am surprised to see people still here, still engaging.
Tonandfeather - I wish you weren't right but you may have hit the nail on the head. That's exactly how I feel. There's also an element of her being so pretty, why does she choose MY partner when she could have anyone she wanted?!
Stop being such a fool! You are angry at her? and still walking hand in hand with a cheat?
Bin him, and recognise that she was AS lied to as you.
All in all, neither is worth a second of your time.
Walk away and you end up being the better person.
Accosting her in the street, and you are wholly in the wrong.
Your DP is only your DP as long as he decides to be.
You can't control or change what he is.
You're right, AnyFucker. I feel compromised and dirty and I will get a friend to phone a mutual friend to give me a good talking to.
CCTV would show a grainy image of you talking. Are you serious? this isnt 1980. CCTV is probably HD will show exactly what happened. its invaluable for police in getting evidence.
police wont give a monkeys whats been going on between her and your hubby what theyll be interested in is you assaulting and harassing her.
You better hope she doesn't report it. shes got a witness and possible cctv
The question here is why are you still with someone who told another woman he loved her, was all over her in the office, failed to acknowledge you even existed and then lied to you for months?
Then set you up last night to confront her at a place he knew she was going to be?
Where is he right now? What's he been saying all day while you've been dealing with the fall out?
She did actually go to the police as she was advised to by a bouncer and was told that she shouldn't have got up after me and that the poking didn't class as an assault, apparently
He went home, I went to my friends and for a walk
I also don't understand why he didn't tell me he knew she was going to be there or didn't say anything to her beforehand?
If I was her Id be taking taking that further. Some random person coming up to you in a pub shouting at you and poking you DOES constitute an assault
No, that didn't happen. She didn't say any of that. Neither did any cop.
My friend whose house I'm at now said that he's probably going to apologise to her tomorrow
You are still here talking to us, person you need to be having words with is your partner.
And she is single, she can choose anyone she likes, she can only have them, if they choose her, whereas your partner isn't free to choose, having already made his choice to be with you. Now stop concentrating your rage on her, she is 10 years younger and probably naive because she fell for his spiel. He however cheated on you.
Having read this thread
If I was the woman in the club, who had already been to HR about being sidelined I would be straight back in there Monday morning.
I would want to speak to your dp about it, which HR might advise me not to do. I would contemplate calling the police as my friends might have advised, but I would probably talk to HR first about either them sorting it out and moving me to another dept or him moving.
I would be very upset at being accused and poked ( wtf!) by a random woman in a club whist minding my own business. Of course I would say I would speak to her to set her mind at rest I had no interest in her dp, after all I had already been to HR about him.
She is stuck between complaining all out harassment from your dp and him losing his job and being unable to get another and not support you. And hoping he goes away. Unfortunately he is a twunt who won't, and he appears to have convinced you its her! You think!?
OP, calm down, apologise to her and mean it, and think about what has happened. She clearly isn't interested in him. She might have been, til she found out her had a gf who was pregnant- NOT her fault - but really- you need to calm down and stop accusing her.
Stay away from these mutual friends who seem to love the drama in your life. And hope the police don't come knocking. I'd be apologising and not badgering for details from her.
Whoever this man is, hasn't he done well out of this whole sorry mess??
Get rid, he's a knob.
Don't worry about the other woman, it's him you should be poking out the door.
I don't believe the post about the police tbh. I also don't understand why she would tell a friend of yours so much.
I'm leaving for home in about half an hour so the children will be fast asleep.
Apparently she's terrified of going in to work tomorrow, why would she be if she felt she did nothing?
He lead her on and tried to start a relationship with her.
You fell pregnant and he probably felt in too deep.
They still had feelings/chemistry for each other.
Maybe tried to go no contact but also started it up a few times here and there, confusing her.
He swore at her last night because he HAS to make himself look innocent to you.
Your husband sounds like a dirty shit.
I feel sorry for you OP because you are obviously hurting and desperately trying to block out the truth.
I think poking/shoving her arm is the least of your worries.
I think you need more real life support x
I believe she would tell a friend and it is the truth because she feels like she has been made out to be the very bad one when hang on a minute look how he's behaved.
Ok I'm outta here.
If you are still asking questions like that, we will never be able to get through to you.
Plus that post about the police wasn't true.
Being afraid of going into work doesn't make her guilty
if some idiot I worked with had approached me when I was out for an evening then his wife had a go at me and assaulted me I think Id be nervous too
Looks like whatever anyone sees the op sees herself and partner as the victims and this girl as the completely guilty evil party
When my friend said she sounded broken she said she was past caring and done with all of this/she doesn't need this. 'Especially to be humiliated in front of her friend last night for no reason'
It's your partner you should be angry with, not her. She didn't have a commitment to you, have a home and a child and a life with you, yet SHE is the one who took your feelings into consideration when she found out he was actually still in a relationship with you and having a baby. SHE was the one who walked away. NOT your partner, who is the one supposedly commited to you. He not only cheated on you (emotionally at the very least) but then carried on chasing her after she'd told him to stop. He's the one you should be directing your anger at, not her. She was most likely lied to by him also.
I can well believe the cops didn't want to be bothered with two women having a bit of a barney over a bloke.
I'm not surprised you feel numb, Phoenix, you've been working so very hard at your denial You must be in shock just now. Glad you're with your friend.
I can understand how you might feel scared that, if you have it out with him, he'll run straight off to Ms Pretty and take up where they left off. This does in fact look quite likely - though we don't know whether she'd still have him after all this crap. He set her up last night, as well as you, didn't he
Thing is, he'll do what he does. He's a
person wanker in his own right, with free will. You're stuck with deciding whether to put up & shut up (I think that would be very bad for your mental health) or telling him to sling his hook, because you deserve more respect than he's been paying you!
Who knows, you might figure this out between you after a split - or you might wake up & realise you're worth better than him - but you're really stuck with giving him some marching orders.
Horrid, I know.
No, it's not that way, I'm just dumbfounded that this time last night I was holding hands having a nice time with my partner and now here I am, my entire world falling apart
Tons - thank you
OP, what are you thinking with regards to your husband right now?
It's true what ThinkFirst says ... Ms Pretty has had far more concern for you in all of this, than your partner has.
Your always goin to find another reason not to like the poor girl or believe her so at the end off the day leave her alone and get on with your life and forget her it's your husband in the wrong
ThinkFirst - she told my friend that he was the one that walked away by telling her about my pregnancy, and when she heard that she thought what choice does she have but to have nothing to do with him
Garlic - I don't actually think she would have him, my friend said that she told her she'd rather it if she never had to look at him ever again and she's still reelinghe spoke to her like that with no provocation
Anyone leaving the thread - thank you for your replies, I truly do appreciate them
hmm is it just me that's finding a lot of OP's posts a bit
What are your thoughts on your husband and his behaviour?
Do you trust him?
Can't say I blame her! He's put you both through the mincer, really, all for the sake of his own ego.
Are you going to stay with your friend tonight? Who's with the DC?
Yeah cos up until you shouted at her everything was perfect! Eh?? Utterly moronic! And yeah I think the OW sounds nicer than either you or your contemptible partner. I hope she gets a new job and sues her current workplace. Goodnight.
MrCab - I can't live with him lying like this or rather with no trust
The fact he didn't back me up last night is playing on my mind
I'm going home as I didn't leave enough milk for 2 days away and I don't want to be away from my babies. He is looking after them and has been since midday
Hang on, where's your DP all day while you're stalking this woman through your 'friend'.
Do you know what I think. I think she was infatuated with him, he lied to her. He is with you because she fell pregnant again and he realised she would know he had lied. He is also with you because he is trying to do the right thing but I do think he probably was/is in love with her. If you are able to accept that any of that could be true and live with it fine, if not I think you only have one choice available to you.
*because you fell pregnant again
You think he was in love with her too, Mini?
Thats not something I can live with
Phoenix, so where are you? I don't think you should have left.
Is he looking after the DC?
YY, what Minx says.
Tbh, Phoenix, there wasn't any backing up he could have done for you last night. He arranged this, remember! He found out she was going to the closing party, he helped her book tickets and then he booked yours.
He set you both up.
Yes I do, I'm sorry. I might be wrong but I have read both threads and everything you have told us. He is probably very torn btw trying to do the right and responsible thing and his feelings for her. I'm not making excuses for him, he has lied to both of you.
Oh for gods sake, none of know if he was be love with her. It sounds as if he probably told her he was anyway. Go home and ask your partner these questions rather than getting friends to grill the alleged other woman.
I haven't read this whole thread. I don't blame you for confronting the other woman. Whether it's wise to or not is a different matter. But in the end unless you can put this whole thing behind you and get on and try and find some happiness with your partner maybe it's time to call it a day with him.
Something about this is 'odd'
If I was baring my soul to my friend I wouldn't be posting so much and randomly thanking people for reaching the end of their tethers with me....
People have said 127 ways the same thing and get the same stunted responses.......
I am out (thank you to follow)
I just don't want people who have spent time and energy trying to help me thinking I'm not grateful...I am
My friend is taking care of her children, I'm sitting in her conservatory on her laptop putting off going home
Garlic - Not that it really matters, but we bought our tickets in November, she got hers a few weeks ago
I see you're right about the tickets. But she booked the day off last August. As you say, it's neither here nor there now you know the story.
Go home! Do you feel angry with him yet?
I do, I'm very angry and very hurt
You've every reason to be! How dare he put you through this, with all his tales of her being obsessed and so on? Go home and tell him. Good luck, I'll be thinking of you.
Look, no one apart from your P and the OW know the truth.
But, the OWs story does tally a lot with the mutual friends story. Going on that, I would be inclined to believe her.
You just keep going around in circles though, more or less repeating questions but in different ways to us. Frankly, you are just going to drive yourself even more mental doing so and it isn't going to solve anything as we do not know the truth.
Leave the poor woman alone now. It appears that she is just as much of a victim of your P's lying and manipulative behaviour as you are.
If I was you, I would go home, tell him you know everything. Don't go into detail of how or what. Just tell him you want him to leave whilst you contemplate your future as you aren't sure you can continue in a deceitful relationship which lacks respect.
Stand by it. Make him leave. Even if you do want to work things through. He needs to realise what he stands to lose and realise that he can't lie his way out of this.
I bet he will soon start talking. Probably not the whole or even half truth to start with, but if he really wants you both to pull through this, he will start talking. They always minimise at first, so be prepared.
Also, stay as calm as can be. Easier said than done but it is for the best to deal with this calmly and with a clear head.
You need to go home & have it out with your partner.
He has been playing you and treating you like a fool.
The more detail, the more contradiction. I'm out.
I'm now wondering whether this has been an elaborate concoction from a woman having an affair with a married man who wanted to show wives as violent madwomen and the third wheels as sweet-natured, doe eyed kindly innocents.
That happens on forums I'm afraid.
I've no idea what would give you that impression, Ton, but to give an update we've been talking/arguing since I got home and he's currently packing his things to leave for a while.
Thanks to all who were there for me yesterday
Oh that's interesting that he's leaving for a while.
Do you remember the books where you had options for the plot, if the woman calls the police, go to page 14. If the husband leaves for a while, go to page 23? I find it interesting that developments are a step behind the suggestions on this thread.
I never much enjoyed those made up books.
Did he put up a fight or go willingly?
After sleeping on it, I'm stilll...
Phoenix, I see there's some doubt about whether you're a real poster or not.
However. I will assume you are.
I have a friend who is beautiful, utterly gorgeous, sexy, bright, clever, together, quite literally a golden vision. And sweet and lovely. She's in her early thirties now.
In her mid twenties she was engaged to a man and they were very happy and faithful. To cut a long story short they split up, remaining friendly but hardly ever seeing each other. She had other relationships whereas he began a relationship with a mutual friend and she got pregnant, I understand because she felt insecure of him, and believed pregnancy would keep him. They lived together. I understand that although he wasn't in love with her, he understood his responsibility and they became engaged. Then she got pregnant again. Neither pregnancy planned, second pregnancy came as a surprise because she was on the pill. These things happen.
They live in a small town and then one day my beautiful friend pitches up again to live there for a year. The man homes in on her like a magnet. Turns up in places where he knows my friend will be, is always there, and they also have lots of mutual friends. Every social event, he is there, with and without his new fiancee, looking longingly at my friend.
My friend gets a bit fed up and confronts him, asks him what he's playing at. Problem is, she still loves him and always has. They talk. They tell each other they still love each other and they still want to be together, but there is this issue of the new fiancee and two babies. They do not do anything physical at all, but they love each other and want to be together but there is an obstacle stopping them doing anything. The obstacle isn't the fiancee but the children.
So he elects to stay with the fiancee for the sake of the children and they have an enormous BIG wedding. With him dreading every minute of it (I am told). My friend has moved away now, to allow him to just get on with his marriage, because she knows it's wrong to be there. However, the man is always texting her and doing things on her face book account. (He is a bit of a shit, if you ask me. Weak.)
So, my point is this:- WHO would want to be in the fiancee's (now wife's) shoes? Her husband in love with another woman but staying with her for the children. Dreading the return of the woman he loves because if he hasn't been unfaithful physically then he has wanted to, and that is as bad. Because he LOVES the other woman. And what we cannot have becomes ever more desirable.
He is trapped. She knows it. She only has him because at the moment he believes he has a responsibility to look after his children. But he doesn't love her, he loves a past love whom he can't be with, but longs to be with.
Convoluted story Phoenix and overly long. But this is you in a few years. Who'd be in your shoes?
For me, it's not really a question of whether you're a genuine poster who thinks their DP is having an affair. More that what you are presenting as factual has more holes than one of Miley's stage outfits.
The whole thing reads to me that there is a DP and there is a gorgeous 25 year old at his work who you suspect he's shagging or has shagged. I think you've confronted him and he's denied it so you've upped the anti and pretended to have 'evidence' from a colleague of his who, you've said here has conveniently moved abroad since telling you. Obviously, he would know a real mutual friend so I suspect what you've told him is that a colleague just happened to let you know of the 'affair' via Facebook in a desperate effort to get him to admit to something you've fixated upon in your mind. You've then allowed your insane jealousy to provoke you into assaulting the poor woman and he's at the end of his tether. Because you simply can't own up to your own paranoia, you've then invented a phone conversation between the poor woman and another anonymous friend in order to justify your appalling actions.
You've then posted the whole sorry saga here because, for some reason, having people say 'yes, he's having an affair' somehow justifies your behaviour and makes you feel less crazy. You have also been seeking reassurance that your actions wont have cost him his job.
I have no idea if he's had an affair or not. I don't know if he's the office sex pest or not. Sadly, it is obvious that you don't either. I may not be entirely accurate here but it is abundantly clear that there's something very rotten in the state of Denmark and you have embroiled yourself in a series of events that have now got completely out of hand.
Until you reign yourself in and get real with yourself, there's no way you're going to get resolution.
Good luck with that. Now leave the poor girl alone and bloody grow up.
I think you need to direct your anger at your husband, this is why staying with a cheat is never a good idea.
I don't know what to think about all this.
Taking it on face value though, I'm not very surprised at the outcome posted earlier but it must be very traumatising nevertheless. I hope you've got some support close at hand, poster.
I guess my more general thoughts that apply to all the different possibilities re this thread are that women would be so much STRONGER if they stopped competing with one another for truly crap men.
From what I've seen of this site there seem to be more posts from new wives who are bitter about first wives, than posts from wives who blame other women who've intruded on their marriages but not the men who are messing around.
Which is maybe why this one was so weird. I've honestly never met a woman who thinks like this poster.
The more I read this Tonandfeather the more I thought (I know I shouldn't) as if it was Troll.
and I don't say that lightly
The story just seemed so implausible as it span out, who etc where etc said what. Or it just seemed bizarre. Maybe I'm being unfair as yes, emotions can skip all over the place. just it seems OP spent a heck of a lot of her time on her iphone/IPad etc doing FB messages etc rather than sorting this out with her DP.
I've caught up with a little since yesterday. Hope you are OK OP. Very glad you seem to have got some space from him to think about everything.
I wanted to share an experience I had in my mid 20's. I worked with a man who was married and had a picture of a child on his desk. We used to all go out for lunch as a team and he was regularly the one flirting with waitresses/giving women the eye/talking about women in a sexual way to all of us and making comments etc. It was quite typically laddish behaviour, but he wasn't my boss so I ignored it and thought he was a knob. Anyway, FF to Christmas party and he pops up, a little drunk. Leans in to me to tell me his devastating secret; his wife no longer wants him. He is heartbroken and emotionally empty. He hasn't had sex since their son was born 3 years ago. They sleep in separate beds and only play along at being a family for their son. Even their parents know about it and have urged them to stay together for their grandchild. He felt lost, sad and very lonely. He'd always admired me and thought I was so kind and lovely. I was really pretty and all of the guys thought I was a stunner etc etc...
And then he put his hand on my leg.
I laughed in his face, and walked off. Now if I had been 5 years older I may well have added a slap in there, but I could see it was quite pathetic. I had no doubt what he was doing, or trying to.
2 months later he came in with the news his wife was pg and took everyone out for drinks after work. I didn't go, needless to say.
I do think this is far more common than women realise. A friend had it happen to her a year ago in her work as well. It is a very obvious thing to those women old enough to have seen it before. I suspect she was naive or just very young and didn't think he would lie to her, especially if he was her manager.
Anyway, take some time to look at what you want and what he wants. Hope you are alright.
I don't know why your thread's chock full of disbelievers, Phoenix. I've seen versions of this story played out around me all my life, and have frequently been in situations where other people were trying to tell me my husband/boyfriend was cheating; I didn't know what to believe. This is why I hate dishonesty in relationships so much - it leaves the honest partner stretched between having faith in their partner, and trying to figure out who's lying (and why.) It pulls the ground from under your feet.
Long story short, I now see this as intolerably cruel. I'm aware I need & deserve to be treated with respect. Anybody doesn't do this, I'm out. I deserve better. So do you. I'll never need to pull a story like this apart again, in my own life, but I very much understand why you felt you had to. I'm glad you made him go, well done! I imagine you must feel wrung-out and sad just now. Do take care of yourself - eat, sleep, talk to friends, be kind to You.
You'll be needing to think about whether you want to share your life with somebody who could do this to you. Maybe this isn't the right day to think about that, but put the question in your mind and see how you go. All the best.
Garlic I don't NOT believe but it seems very strange that Phoenix has the inside track on so much of this and has friends etc keeping in touch with OW.
It seems to pan out like the worst case soap opera you could imagine.
I do NOT NOT believe her - I DO!
It's not that complex, though. She had one of her boyfriend's co-workers giving her the heads up. She's now emigrated. Phoenix's best friend contacted Ms Pretty specially, following Saturday night's bust-up. That's only two contacts. All the rest is the boyfriend telling lies.
Garlic - I don't get the emigration - who emigrated? not Ms Pretty?
Oh I get it the BF's co-workers. I'd ditch the BF to be honest. what a tosser.
Thanks for the 2 stories, it sort of, sort of helps understand her a bit more
Garlic and those asking about today - I've spent the first part of the day looking after the children who are now in bed. They went to my mum's for a while but I really just want them with me, not that I'm in a fit state to look after them.
He's still saying he's not done anything, really, but agreed to go and stay at a friends. I spoke to him briefly around lunch time to ask a question about nursery for our eldest and he said he didn't go in to work. I don't know why that is supposed to matter to me?
I've spent the rest of the day not even in tears, just sitting staring and going over everything in my head
Phoenix I think this will come out in due course so your DP denying it is IMO buying time.
Course he's not going into work cos shit will hit the fan. If he were innocent surely he'd go in.
It's you I feel sorry for despite your actions. Hope you get clarity soon.
Buying time for what though, he's already gone?
I don't think that anything will be said at work, going by what the woman said to my friend. She said she was just scared about seeing him and his reaction to seeing her...and people gossiping about them again
Thanks, me too
Hmmm when the girl involved not going to work that was seen basically as an admission of guilt. Yet she shows up and hubby skips work... so is that looked on the same? an admission of his guilt or is it different rules?
I don't know if she went to work or not, but no, it's not different
Sadly I think your partner will have a lot to fill you in on. He needs to come clean about all of his messages and meetings. Until he is ready to do this and not just blame the OW and tell you it was ALL her, you cannot take his input seriously. You need to see what he has to say now he has time to consider what he has done and how it is affecting you.
Although I am fairly sure he will still lie and minimalist everything. After all, he has now lost both of you because he thought he could upgrade halfway through a contract, nearly pulled it off but couldn't resist having his cake.
Please just try to see how he has manipulated you in all of this, he has been pointing fingers and using your trust to make this lady out to be the whole problem. It seems you two had issues way before that.
BTW, he will be 'buying time' to make up stories that fit, now he knows you are in contact with her, is what I think the other poster meant.
Ah I see now
Lion, is she the upgrade or the cake?
I dont want to talk to him at all tomorrow, I want a full day of no contact
I dont know why but im feeling almost nervous about them both being at work together
I'd stop thinking about their relationship (because you can't do anything about that) and start focusing on your relationship with him.
Sorry just come backj to this - yes the buying time is as Lion says - he wants to get his story straight at work/home and to make up stories that fit.
Of course you are nervous about both of being at work together.
i don't know what I'd advise hereon.
I don't know if I have a relationship with him anymore, Logg1e
HB - I didn't get my wish in terms of no contact, though I could have not answered I suppose. He rang to inform me she was there today and he's ignoring her...likewise on her part
Gah, Phoenix, that stinks! He rang you with an update on how things are between the pair of them! What the actual??!
I am furious on your behalf.
I think it was supposed to make me feel 'better', like he's doing the right thing for not speaking to/looking at/interacting with her
I can't explain her ignoring him though
She is more than likely ignoring him because she doesn't want to get dragged into any more of his drama!
You should do the same, until he is prepared to find some guts and be honest with you.
If you were her, after Saturdays events, would you speak to him?
He's not talking about fixing YOUR relationship. More to the point, he's not talking about YOU! He's telling you about THEIR relationship. He is so taking the piss, Phoenix.
I agree with Straitjacket.
And it's nice to see somebody can spell it
She's ignoring him because
a) he told her to fuck off and so she does.
b) she's shopped him at HR and they've advised her to ignore him.
c) she's really upset because they did have an affair and now she's hurt.
d) she's playing hard to get waits for him to come running.
e) she's realised he's an arse and is well rid.
f) she's scared you'll have another go at her if she didn't.
Choose whatever's applicable.
Eh? The last thing he said to her was fuck off! She'll now have some idea of how he's been treating you, and what he's been saying about her. If she values her sanity, she'll be keeping him well away.
I think he thought he'd get brownie points for not speaking to her or something and therefore proves he's done nothing or something
Actually I really hope somebody points her to this thread. She deserves to see what an absolute knobhead he is.
I suppose all of those things could apply. Though I think if it were me I'd be asking him why...bar saying she'd done nothing wrong she said that him and her would be having a conversation about it
Yeah ... "Look, Phoenix, I am keeping away from the woman I lurve! See what a sacrifice I'm making?"
It would be nice if you were the woman he lurved, wouldn't it, instead of just somebody he's dumping his shit on.
she said that him and her would be having a conversation about it
In HR, I hope.
Well it hasn't happened today, she finished before he did. I doubt if she'll be having that conversation now , if she was going to do it it would be done already id imagine
Garlic - im not meaning this in a denial way, im just curious...do you actually think he does love her? Why would he tell me horrible things about her but be nice to her especially if like she says, nothing happened since before summer?
You have no idea he is actually speaking the truth that he did ignore her today, really. Do you?
I wouldn't believe a word that came out of his mouth.
Him not being at home makes it so much easier for him to contact her outside of work to discuss it. So that conversation may of already taken place, and she has decided "Fuck this shit. Completely not worth it!" And written him off as a wanker she is better off without.
You still seem to be fixated on what she does and says though, rather than your P. Why does it matter why she is ignoring him? Isn't that what you wanted anyway?
If what she said was true, then I think she probably did ignore him
Why are you constantly making up stories about what she thinks?
Here's a story: she only looked confused the night you assaulted her because she was expecting you to assault her. He's having an affair with her. She's pretending to you nothing happened. Today at work they shagged in the stationery cupboard, and laughed about you. "see what I mean about her darling? She's a nutter!"
I'm sure you don't like that story. I don't say it to be hurtful. I say it to illustrate that ANYTHING could be true.
So why do you keep focusing on things you don't know, instead of dealing with him?
Who cares if he loves her? You're better off rid.
He's obsessed with her. More to the point, he's not obsessed with you. He's not even interested in how you feel, is he?
You need to get your head round that. And work out what you think about having a partner who systematically lies to you and isn't that bothered about your feelings.
Do you think he loves you OP?
I don't know, AmazingJumper, it's like he's gone into reptile mode and self preservation.
Garlic - would the obsessed still stand if he didn't actually speak to her or if her story is true and nothing has happened in 7 months?
I don't think I can get my head around it, I don't see how there is a way forward for us after this
Of course he can still obsess over her even if he never sees her again! She could be all he thinks about, which is being obsessive.
Bottom line is, if he doesn't admit the truth, then he isn't going to accept responsibility or think what he has done is wrong. This will continue. You will be forever asking questions which only he can answer truthfully, but he won't.
Do you really want to live your life constantly wondering?
No, which is why I don't see how there is a way forward for us
I don't see how he could have lived such a double life, nothing had changed with us
What the hell is reptile mode?!
He's a snake, I'll give you that!
Lizard mode I think it's actually called https://www.google.co.uk/#q=reptilian+brain+in+humans
I'd like to say finally, all of this is presumption - you have no idea what's happening at work with her/him etc.
You really need to lay it on the line with him (as I think you've done already) and say 100% honesty or he's gone. If he values his relationship with you then he'd admit. And if he's an even better person he'll sort it out, stop seeing her, therapy, move job etc.
I am not saying you should LTB as you have young children and it would be hard. You can sometimes regain trust.
Is there any possibility (nice though us MNers are) you could go to a few therapy sessions yourself about this?
You can't understand why she's ignoring him? Really?
Come on Phoenix! Wake up and smell the coffee!
I did try and help in my pits above!
Lizard mode - next thing you know he'll be one of those weirdos like David Icke with reptoid hypothesis syndrome.
And I think those 'modes'/labels etc are a very convenient way to describe people. when actually they're just wrong uns.
The lizard thing was more tongue in cheek
I don't thinkI can regain trust, especially as you all say, I still have no ideawhats going on
I personally don't think I could trust him again, but that is me.
Counselling for you would be a smart move. It feels a little bit like you have been in serious denial for a while - something I've seen with people suffering EA. It tends to take them a very long time to unpick what they think they know about their partner, who is usually very good at twisting everything to be their fault. Usually this has been going on for years and 'normal' boundaries are a thing of the past. I do wonder if you checking his texts should have been a much clearer sign to you that this was not someone to have another child with. You seem to be getting what we are saying now, but you will need a lot more support.
If you really feel you can't stop thinking about what she is/could/might/possibly do - would it help you to write her a letter? Not one to post, but one to get everything out? "I cannot understand how he could have been so very loving to me, and at the same time to you. He said we were forever, but then how did you become involved? I was sleeping with him while the two of you were on dates - the fact I conceived in this time is appalling to me" - may sound daft, but I think it might help you see how he is the one you are angry at. She could have been anyone, really. She can't help you here, even if she wanted to.
What is clear is that he has done a number on you, and you need to pick up the pieces and figure out a way forward. Help yourself first, please!
And you're not going to find out the truth speculating here with us no matter how many more days this conversation lasts. I think you need to take your questions offline now ..... It's time.
Totally agree with LondonNicki you need to confront your OH no matter how angry, upset you feel with him.
no matter what we say won't make a difference.
Just an update. He came home yesterday to see the children and to talk.
I think he was more honest than he expected to be. He still maintains he never cheated on me as he never slept with her. I asked him if there was anything sexual and he said no, except for a picture of her in lingerie.
I was remarkably calm but I think im just numb, beyond shouting at this point. I asked.him to explain what he meant and why she'd be sending him that kind of picture. He said thats not what happened. Apparently her and another woman were looking at her phone and he came over to them to bring her a coffee he'd just bought her. She put her phone on the desk to take the coffee and this picture was still lit up. He picked up the phone, while she jokingly tried to get it off him. I asked him what happened after that and he said he went for a shower in the staff changing area
That's not cheating, to him...I dont even know what to think
Hi and thanks for the update.
Erm, I doubt that is how it happened - as a woman, does that scenario sound right to you? Why would her and another woman be looking at her in undies?
Either way it is a detail that you don't really need and will torment you.
I suspect there is much worse but he isn't being very forthcoming.
It depends how much you want to know as well. Sometimes you just need to know the bare minimum to make a choice, other times you want every detail and more. This is down to you and how you feel. I think you would be a fool to think this is all there was - I hate to say go back to your friend to ask her, but I suspect her version of events may differ quite wildly.
Anyway, I hope you are alright and getting some help in RL. Any counselling sessions booked in yet?
What a fucking liar! He's had all this time to come up with that?
This is the cheat's script. There's way more to come out.
Just don't buy it.
Look at him and say that you know, and then tell him you are not going to even entertain holding a conversation with him unless he spills it ALL. NOW.
Then say nothing more. NOTHING.
Silence is the best negotiation method you have.
Lion, I did actually ask my friend to do exactly that, I dont think I could face speaking to her myself. My friend called me after I posted and said that she asked her to please stop contacting her after this. The woman said her and this other woman were in the office looking at pics from her latest shopping trip, and she took pics in various outfits undecided if she's going to take them back, this is something she does apparently and my friend said she sounded sincere. He then brought her the coffee, she put phone down on desk, he picked it up saying is that you?! And she got a bit embarrassed as he zoomed in, trying to take it back and explaining about taking it back and he told her that she shouldn't take it back. He then disappeared leaving his wallet and keys on the reception desk and was gone for about 20 minutes, then the womans friend said he's obviously gone for a 'certain kind of shower' as he ran off in such a rush
OK, well. Make of that what you will.
I see a woman who has asked for her phone back having her privacy abused. He refused to give it back and found a photo of her in undies and then, straight away and very obviously, went for a wank. At work.
I don't think HR would like any of that, so I have no doubt how that makes you feel as his wife.
Please look after yourself.
Sorry just to clarify the taking it back vs not taking it back was about the lingerie not the phone, I phrased that badly
Ew, that's all a bit teenage! Good lord
Well, I've read the first 3 pages... And the last two. It's as if everyone mentioned is about 15 years of age...
How is it teenage? Playing with fire on my partners part, I can see but dont get teenage
Flirting by 'Accidentally' showing naughty photos of yourself. Feigning enbaressment and outrage. My niece does this.
Making it clear you're going for a wank in response to seeing a sexy photo , that's not the actions of a nature man.
Imagine it played out in a classroom.
Mature not nature
Anyway you seem to be capable of acting a bit teenage too, so maybe you don't see it as abnormal.
From what she said/I said, I genuinely dont think she showed it to him on purpose...it would have been clairvoyant of her to know that he'd been to buy her a coffee, was on his way to the office to her and for her to be talking to her friend on exactly that picture when he walked in
And believe me, I dont take 'defending' her lightly. Also, if you wanted to show him, I think she just would have rather than go to rhat effort
Oh come on. There's a bloke you fancy over there. You're keenly aware of him. Play it a different way. She sees him over by the coffee machine, and just knows he'll come over cause there's been a frisson for weeks. So she starts showing the sexy selfies to her friend.
How old are you and your DS by the way?
We are 35
And thats not what happened, he'd been out at a meeting and stopped at Costaand bought her one too. Her and friend were in an office with no windows (I've seen it for myself) so unless shes got x ray eyes and GPS on my partner, it couldn't have been planned. She also said the pic wasn't a 'sexy' one, it was literally her standing there looking in a mirror
I actually think by this point she didn't want anything to do with him.
I believe her and his story works with it. He also sees no shame in wanking over this woman, blatantly, in the showers at their work.
OP, please do get some support. Your omission of confirming that you have found some says volumes. He will drip feed and you don't need this taking up your every waking moment.
You do sound very calm though, so well done. You don't have to be strong all of the time though, so if you can get to see a counsellor, please do (then you can let rip with tears and accusations to your hearts content )
Lion - there would be no need to go for a shower leaving your keys and wallet on the desk out in the open unless that's what he was doing is it?
Im glad im sounding calmer, but its almost a numb edge to me in real life. Im assuming it's some sort of survival mechanism
I'm 35... If I was showing a mate pics of me in undies (wtf?!) I can assure you no guy at work would be looking at that pic. If he picked up my phone I'd be knocking him out to get that phone back.
The whole thing is total bollocks...
Well if you want to exonerate her fine. But he sounds like a dick
Yeah I think it sounds like total bollocks.
At best just bollocks.
Your bloke is a dick who thinks with his dick
In all honesty, no. It is clear he was wanking in there, sorry.
He has practically told you that himself, only substituting 'wank' for the word 'cold'...
Don't dwell. Men wank over a lot of things in my experience. The fact is all of the lying and emotional attachment he has to her has taken away from your relationship. As I previously said, I couldn't trust him again.
Hooochycoo 'she' isn't the problem - OP's hubby had everything to loose here, not the OW.
Just read your update post again and you didn't mention a 'cold shower' so sorry, for some reason I imagined that when I read it!
Mama I dont know why you being 35 is relevant to the picture, but if it makes any difference to you, she's ten years younger
Lion, to be fair I may as well have. There would be no reason to tell me he went for a shower within minutes of seeing her otherwise...
Im also quite WTF at the fact he left his wallet and house/car keys out for anyone who came in to steal...he'd have to be seriously pre occupied to do that
None of that explains why he was spending time with his arms all over her etc.
No, magoria, it doesn't
I don't understand why you're analysing all this so much, despite the obvious that you're fighting mentally the realise that you have two kids with a man who is immature and dishonest at best.
It's obvious what has happened. These two had a thing, probably nothing physical but a couple of crushes, lots if fantasy and flirting. And you found out and the lass was mortified and had tried to stop it. And you're bloke has acted like a dick in the headlights.
The more you analyse it , the more you're smokescrebibg yourself.
Apologies for ridiculous amount of typos
It seems to me these two are getting their jollies out of involving you in their sex life, ehuww, is all I can say to that.
Quite where you go from here I really dont know, seeing as he is actually supposed to be your partner.
All I can say is you deserve a hell of a lot better.
So do your and his kid btw, but he too much of a fucking baby to ever get that.
'It seems to me these two are getting their jollies out of involving you in their sex life'
I really don't understand this? Again, I'm not one to defend her, but how does she play into the above?
Well letting you know (through your friend admittedly) about the incident when she 'accidently' showed your partner a picture of herself in underwear, and then describing how he went off for what was obviously was a wank.
if shes so good looking why does she need to get her kicks this way?
If you read the post you'd know that he told me about this, then my friend called her to ask her her side of things...it's not as if she a) wanted to tell me off her own back to humiliate me all the more b) she knew he'd told me 'something' about it anyway...I don't see how thats getting kicks?
That should have also said that she was being asked about it under b) too
That is one of the creepiest stories I've heard. Your partner, who also happens to be the boss of an attractive younger girl in the office, brings said girl and expensive coffee -no-one else in the office, just this younger foxy girl - as he approaches her desk he spots a phone with a picture of a girl in her lingerie and GRABS the phone, see's that the picture is of his young junior female colleague, makes sexually inappropriate comments then announces he is euphemistically off for a wank and then actually goes for a wank openly so the office knows. I am eeeughghghghg. Your partner is a sex pest. And he is 35 with 2 kids and a partner. Fuckin hell. Where and what does your partner do?? I don't believe any of it. If you believe that story then you must believe your partner is a sex pest and a bit of a beast. If I were you I'd prefer he was just a cheat.
Who on earth shows someone a pic of themselves in their lingerie unless its sexual and him dashing off to the shower of course it's for a wank!
Either something has happened or will happen or idk. But the more it plays out the more she isn't Little Miss Innocent either.
For me the deal breaker would be the lying.
Was she really innocently browsing lingerie pics of herself?! I know whether on phone or at work I'm v careful who sees what and if it could be seen on my phone it goes in a pocket not on show.
Is it half term or something? All of these Ewwww and Yucko posts are quite surreal. This is someone's life, people. Please let her figure this out without acting like teens watching a friend french kiss for the first time!
'its not as if she a) wanted to tell me off her own back to humiliate me all the more'
she did'nt exactly spare you the details either did she.
What I'm saying is, if someone phoned me to ask me about the time I showed my married lover a photo of myself in undies, knowing it was on behalf of the wife and going immediately back to her, unless I was seriously trying to stick the boot in, I would deny it happened or at least omit any details
like he went off for a wank.
(but then I would not be fucking someone else's partner)
if b) she did not know he had already told you about it, why was she even mentioning it? If I was her the decent thing would be to keep quiet unless she wanted to boast.
Sorry, you dont deserve any of this and this is only my opinion.
Lion - thank you, I really appreciate your support. I'd like to have posted similar but thought it would just get more of that type of response
As I said earlier OP, as far as you are concerned, this is about you and him. Focusing on whether she is an angel or not won't help you decide that. He has not been honest with you and has some quite odd character flaws that seem wholly inappropriate in the workplace, especially towards a junior. You just need to decide if you can have a life with this man, and if you do; would it ever really feel the same knowing what you now do about how he acts at work and how he can be when you are not there?
I'm not sure why your post has attracted such odd behaviour and swearing, etc. I think you seem to have calmed down and digested all of this info pretty well since your first post. Keep going and just look after yourself, as I said. Kids need a mummy and mummy needs to be kind to herself.
Chyochan - again, I don't relish defending her but the more this week has sank in, the less I have against her. In my above post I said that she did know, not she didn't. As Lion said, her story checks out with his but not in a way to make him look better.
And why would she boast/lie? My friend said she sounded 100% sincere and drained, 'just like you', so although I don't feel sorry for her, I'll accept that she was lied to just like me. To me it would make no sense to lie to my friend, she's got nothing to win/lose over it, unlike my 'partner'
Sorry, I read that as she did not know he had said anything about the underwear pics, my mistake.
If you trust her, and how she sounds on the phone to your friend then, good for you. Time will tell, I think it shows you in a good light anyway.
And I think at the end of the day it will always come down to you and him and your relationship.
Lion you are kidding right? You don't know why this is attracting these types of reactions. Did you read the bit about him grabbing a younger and more junior's phone off her desk and then on realising it is a picture of her in her undies making the situation even more grotesque by going for a wank??????? WTF. If his own partner isn't horrified by that behaviour in the context of her partner being an office sex pest quite separate to whether he's a fantasist stalker or mad shagger then well WELL it illustrates a level of denial which requires real visceral reaction rather than a gentle pat on the head muttering "there there"
Why did he grab her phone?! That is so suspect and I'd be beyond mad at anyone who did this to me man or woman.
Thank you, yes, I am quite aware - as is OP - of what he has done and how disgusting it it. I simply don't find the need to be harsh to OP and swear and literally type 'eeuuuuw' and other faux American teen speak to her. How is that helping her? I am not here to gawp and judge, I would actually like to help OP, whose life has suddenly become very complicated and has come on here for help. If you aren't going to do that and are simply here with popcorn pretending this is the latest episode of Eastenders I suggest you look at your own moral high ground.
Oh he spotted her in lingerie. He's a perv she's a prat having that on full view as I'm sure she knows what he's like. Silly woman.
Lion hope not directed at me.
HB - He said it was in a 'lets see what you're looking at' type context
If she has issue with all of this as his junior it is up to her to take it up with HR. She would have a strong case, but has certainly muddied her own waters by flirting and openly being woo'd by her boss in front of colleagues. However, she is not OP's concern, her partner is.
Please OP, just have a break from it now. I am sure more will out but I don't think you need to hear confirmations from OW now. You are being very strong and I think you should be very proud of how you are doing. You must feel a bit like a rabbit in headlights at the moment, but the clarity you have already had should only get better. I'm off for the night here, try not to over-think tonight and get some sleep.
No, Hello - that was for Rainbow. Night all!
Lion this OP needs no assistance in minimising or avoiding. Facing things squarely and head on isn't cruel in this instance. It is a disservice to encourage further pretence. If my husband or friend or colleague related this story I'd be saying exactly the same. Her partners behaviour is so beyond acceptable in a workplace it is down right creepy.
So what is she supposed to do about it in your opinion?
Run into the office and cry in front of HR telling them what she suspects and has heard third hand her partner did in their shower?
Yes he is a knob, she can see that. If you read the whole thread you will know that even a posts ago she wanted to stalk OW and pin it all on her. Today she is defending her and admitting her partner is in the wrong regardless. I'd say that is progress and not burying your head in the sand.
Sorry I really don't want to hurt anyone but it seems to me from what I have read on this thread and the one before that they have an intensely, and mutually close/flirty/sexual relationship, and are both happy, on some level to involve not only the OP but office colleagues as well in it all.
This is VERY creepy and narcissistic, and euwww seems a very appropriate response.
As Lion says, I don't know how I can do anything about it? I do accept that his behaviour is hugely WTF-worthy, and I've had 6 days to digest everything I believed in is false
Chyo - I don't really see how it's narcisstic for her to tell me the truth...and I don't see how they couldn't 'involve me' as I'm the one asking WTF happened?
Thought you were off to bed? I've read both threads with incredulity. I am one of many expressing frustration and disbelief at the level of denial the OP has maintained. Her reaction to this latest story was not revulsion at her partners behaviour in the context of it being beyond inappropriate in the office which is odd. I'm sure you believe your advice is genuinely given and helpful as do I. Different takes, points of view and advice is the purpose of the forum otherwise it would be a dear lion help letters forum.
And I'm sorry phoenix but if it were me he would be out and if he were refusing to go the house would be on the market and solicitor advice would be sought.
Rainbow - with respect, how do you know I've not experienced revulsion? I've said in my update post that I have a quiet calm to me at the moment, but that doesn't mean I'm not disgusted. I also highly doubt you'd have your house on the market after 6 days
Phoenix I can only interpret what you say in your posts. And I am very sorry but I can assure you without any doubt in anyway.... I would have left him a long time before now. But from this point if he hadn't left by now the home report would have been instructed and the agents selected. You deserve better. It is very clear how awful your partner is and that's just what you know. Eeeewwwww doesnt actually express what I thought when I read this particular update. I wasn't aware that sound was only made my american teenagers.
Hi Phoenix- You cant change his behaviour, the only thing you can control is how you react and what you decide to do.
Yes, you were the one asking what went on (and anyone would need the truth to be able to go forward)
but it seems there is a world of difference between taking responsibility, like an adult who regretted his behaviour and was owning what he did, compared to just indulging in details of how incredibly sexy it all was between them.
Do you really need to know the details of how he grabbed her phone and then went for a 'shower', really is this helping him come to a greater understanding of how, and more importantly why he did what he did.
He needs to be exploring what his attitudes are to women, and life, and his kids and getting older and death with you, not telling you about how sexy semi naked pics of a 25yo are ffs, is this really what you were asking for?
Likewise for her also, I can only go on what I would do, if I was genuinely cut up about it I would leave out the 'details' iykwim.
Well said, Phoenix. I agree with Lion's posts this evening ... I do feel for you. He's showing out as more & more revolting, and it's awful to have to face the truth that you've been in love with a two-faced sex pest. Really glad your friend's by your side, you need decent support.
On an only slightly related note - she tries on underwear & takes it back???! Yeuch!
Chyochan, it's depressingly clear what his attitudes are to women, and life, his kids and OP are.
Could be summed up as "My dick is the only thing that matters"
It just gets increasingly far-fetched and ridiculous by the day. It's not even an engaging story.
Tinsel, people don't have their lives blow up in their faces for your entertainment If you want a good story, read a book.
Thank you, Garlic...and I was just off to ask my.partner how he could destroy me in a more 'engaging' way...!!!!
Phoenix why would he want to see what she's looking at?!
I know it's come a long way since last night but I really do think you know what to do.
HB - Me too, and I'm getting there but I'm not one to make rash impulsive decisions that'll have immediate effect on my children.
Hi Phoenix - I see what you say and will PM you later if time.
I just don't want you making mistakes where years on your children will ask 'why did you stay with dad, mummy?' especially after they know about his dalliances.
I know exactly how you feel re the rash decisions and effects on your children. I know a lot here are very much LTB in a lot of cases but you need to decide that for yourself. I hope you have a good Saturday afternoon though
Get rid he's vile disgusting horrible person who does not deserve forgiveness ever.
So I'm not sure if this has already been brought up since I kinda zoned out after page 10. Happened upon a thread which could possible be "The Other Woman"... Or this is all completely made up bunch of crap to entertain strangers...
I have just been on Netmums (sorry!) and it appears the other woman has started a thread about this very situation - very bizarre indeed. It is titled 'I Don't Know How To Handle This - Please Help'.
I think it's much more likely these two threads have been started by one and the same person.
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