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Confronting the Other Woman?

(498 Posts)
PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 14:11:58

I've posted this within my other thread 'Partner help please?' but it's sort of a different issue...

We ended up bumping into this woman last night. Myself and my partner were walking through a crowd holding hands when I saw her and stopped, with my partner trying to pull me away. I couldn't resist saying something when I saw her. She was talking to a small group of people all sitting down and I stood in front of her and told her she needs to get a life and get a grip and to stay away from him

She said nothing initially, just sat there looking really confused. Then we went to walk off with me still shouting at her, and she got up at tapped partner on the shoulder and said to him that they were going to have a conversation about this and she'd not done anything. He shouted at her to fuck off and fuck off and leave him alone at work too. I was shoving her in the arm telling her to get a life and to stay away from us, and she kept with the confused face saying she had done nothing and then went and sat back down

I don't know what I've done or what to make of it

BitOutOfPractice Sun 26-Jan-14 14:14:06

It's a bit ironic that you're both yelling at her to stay away from you when you were the ones that confronted her

Neither of you covered yourselves in glory did you? And you certainly lost a fair bit of dignity too I'd say.

IMHO it's never a good idea to confront the OW - no matter how tempting

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 26-Jan-14 14:16:48

Oh dear. How did you feel after?

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 14:21:48

I don't know. I'm glad he told her to fuck off. I can't stop replaying the confusion on her face and the 'I've not done anything's

Tonandfeather Sun 26-Jan-14 14:23:19

I was just reading your other post. You had some great advice but I could see why posters were getting frustrated with you.

This woman isn't the problem. Your partner is.

Now that you've assaulted her in full view of witnesses, you'll be lucky to escape without a visit from the cops.

Nasty way for your partner to treat the woman he was having an affair with too. And he so was.

I'm sorry he did that to you, but you're punishing the wrong person here.

She gets assaulted. You might get a police file.

He gets to live his life as if nothing's happened.

Neat.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 14:24:30

I didn't assault her?

YoBitch Sun 26-Jan-14 14:25:10

what's your confusion about what she said/ look on her face?

Tonandfeather Sun 26-Jan-14 14:25:33

Yes you did.

You shoved her in the arm.

That is assault.

To add you were shouting at her, which is harassment.

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 26-Jan-14 14:25:55

Hopefully that will help you move on.

If it is a case that she lives in the same town as you and you are likely to bump into her again, I wouldn't say anything. She could take it further if she wanted to if you were both shouting at her and you were prodding her in the arm, with witnesses there too. Please just be careful and look after what you need.

Your partner betrayed you, she had no loyalty to you.

tinyturtletim Sun 26-Jan-14 14:26:04

Shoving her in the arm is assault.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 14:26:15

YoBitch - I'm not confused, I mean I keep replaying the confusion on HER face and how all she said was 'I've not done anything'

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 26-Jan-14 14:26:46

X post with ton

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Sun 26-Jan-14 14:27:42

You were shoving her. And hate to say it, but what he said to her in front of you might not be what he is saying in private to her. (Been there, done that)

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 14:27:54

It wasn't really a shove, and doesn't it count that after we started to walk off she got up from her seat and followed us, tapping my partner on the arm?

I just poked her more than a shove

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 14:29:54

Also we were in a club so someone shouting at someone is hardly harrassment is it? I'm worried now, I was just so angry she was even there

BitOutOfPractice Sun 26-Jan-14 14:30:59

OP you went up to her, harangued her in the street, and poked her. If I were here I would have called the police

No wonder your DP didn't want you talking to her - you might have found out some home truths about him from her. I bet he was shitting himself at what she would say

Tonandfeather Sun 26-Jan-14 14:34:26

No it doesn't count. She's entitled to speak to the person who set her up for this nastiness. Your husband.

Shouting at someone inferring that she is some kind of predator in your marriage is defamatory and harassing, especially in a public place. The fact it's a club doesn't matter.

Why shouldn't she be there?

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 26-Jan-14 14:35:10

I don't know the backstory but she might have looked confused because your partner had still been in touch with her right up until last night.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 14:35:48

You really think she could have called the police after what she did to me?

Only the womans friend heard any of it and it was a loud club environment so no one probably paid any attention beyond at the time...with no witnesses nothing could be done with the police/me, could it?

str8tothepoint Sun 26-Jan-14 14:38:11

Have you actually ever talked to OW before?? You only know what your DP told you??

For you to act like that shows you have not moved on and really played into her hands. Sorry but violence solves nothing and its your DP deserves the shit not OW.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 14:38:51

I don't know if she only had one person there with her, but I walked past another couple of times, the woman sat with her saw me and we made eye contact but the other woman didn't. She just sat there looking like she'd been crying

DingDongRabbitFromAHat Sun 26-Jan-14 14:38:55

Hang on, from the other thread there was actually no indication they were even having an affair, bar some thirdhand stirring from another person.

You have not covered yourself in glory.

Tonandfeather Sun 26-Jan-14 14:39:32

Yes.

She didn't do anything to you.

As she was having an affair with your partner and from the look of your other post that's still going on, she might not call the cops.

But she might, especially after the way he spoke to her.

Unless he's smoothed things over with her since.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 14:39:50

Str8 - No, that's the first time I've ever seen her to speak to. I only know what she looks like after putting her name into Facebook

MiniTheMinx Sun 26-Jan-14 14:41:20

I have just read the other thread. You think your husband loves this woman. You might be right, that doesn't mean she wants him enough to break up your relationship. Maybe she just enjoys the attention from him, after all it sounds like he is the one seeking her out. Leave the woman alone and deal with your partner. If at the end of the day its just a silly crush he'll get over it, if not, let him go, unless you want to play second fiddle always wondering if he thinks that he can do better.

TurnipCake Sun 26-Jan-14 14:41:37

I don't think you've done yourself any favours, OP. What is your husband doing among all this?

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 14:41:46

Tonandfeather - If she does call them, what could they do without proof? Her and my partner work together so wouldn't that do her a diservice?

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 14:44:01

She sent him a text after he TOLD her to leave him alone saying she didn't know what the fuck just happened but it left her in tears and ruined her night and she didn't deserve that. I was furious after she was told by him to leave us alone

MiniTheMinx Sun 26-Jan-14 14:45:00

I doubt she will call the police, she is though more likely to want a chat with your partner on Monday morning to discuss "the mad woman" as others have said, you haven't really helped yourself.

Tonandfeather Sun 26-Jan-14 14:45:17

They do have proof. It was a crowded place. After you left she might have asked for witnesses. The people she was with are witnesses too.

How would it be a problem for HER at work if a colleague's partner assaulted her?

A problem for your partner at work? Yes, possibly.

She's the victim here. Not you and certainly not your unfaithful partner.

TurnipCake Sun 26-Jan-14 14:45:50

To be honest if someone had just shouted and shoved/poked at me in a public place, the least I would expect is some right of reply, irrespective if the other party had told me to leave them alone.

MiniTheMinx Sun 26-Jan-14 14:46:37

Maybe she is genuinely shocked because she has no interest in him, or she thinks a flirt is fine and harmless...however perhaps he is the one that has developed feelings. Perhaps, shock horror she could do without him crushing on her and you attacking her.

MadBusLady Sun 26-Jan-14 14:46:57

Well, you were in a club and it sounds like there were witnesses.

No, the police would not be in the slightest bit interested in a possible/probable affair as a motivation for assault. If called, their concern would be, did a crime take place, and are there witnesses?

Hang on - so you don't even know anything has happened between them - just that your partner has the hots for her?

Assuming nothing has actually happened, and her greatest crime is to look attractive in a working environment, you may have come across as being utterly deranged.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 14:48:02

They had an issue 7 months ago when they found out I was pregnant. She went to the managers and told them and he got into trouble, but that didn't look good for her either so calling the police on me after just poking her...??

Surely if it was just her friend that saw its their word against mine and nothing could be done?

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 26-Jan-14 14:48:59

Don't want to worry you further but CCTV?

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 14:50:13

MinitheMinx - My partner will not be speaking to her ever again, so she can want a chat as much as she wants. Also she definitely wants him, they were all over each other I was told, and she looked hurt last night as well as confused

AnyaKnowIt Sun 26-Jan-14 14:50:38

Wouldn't they have cctv?

Tonandfeather Sun 26-Jan-14 14:51:22

You mean she alleged sexual harassment in the workplace?

MadBusLady Sun 26-Jan-14 14:51:57

You're not listening to us, it doesn't matter what she's done at work, it doesn't matter what evil spell she has or hasn't woven around your "D"P (who sounds like a twat, by the way) - if your own account of events is true you assaulted her. No you can't go round shoving people in the arm, whatever you think they've done. We have no idea whether she's going to call the police or not, but she certainly could.

MiniTheMinx Sun 26-Jan-14 14:53:01

What did she tell the manager? Why? and why did your partner get into trouble?

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 14:53:23

TurnipCake and MadBusLady - He'd told her to leave him alone, he shouted at her to fuck off and leave him alone now and at work though? And then she texts him, whats that about? I said to her then that she needs to get a grip and leave him alone, and then she texts him again

Others (sorry, trying to reply to you all) - she's text him a few times, like she text him asking about the face value of the tickets for last night a few weeks ago...she can't leave him alone

GarlicReturns Sun 26-Jan-14 14:55:01

They had an issue 7 months ago when they found out I was pregnant. She went to the managers and told them and he got into trouble

Hang on, does this mean he was harassing her at work?

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 14:55:29

He lied to her to stop them working on a project together anymore after I'd seen them together (I only know he lied to her from gossip the mutual friend in other thread heard)

She found out he'd lied to her and went to the managers. They then didn't speak for 8 weeks. He got in trouble because he did lie to her

GarlicReturns Sun 26-Jan-14 14:55:39

xpost, Ton. Don't know the back story here, but I know what it looks like ...

MiniTheMinx Sun 26-Jan-14 14:56:39

So you knew there was a possibility that she would be there last night?

DingDongRabbitFromAHat Sun 26-Jan-14 14:56:44

This is all based on gossip, your husband sounds a right weirdo, and you sound a bit deranged. Bizarre!

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 14:57:23

I know there was an argument after she told him that she wanted nothing to do with him again and he approached her twice, once in front of the reception area and the mutual heard him shouting at her for not talking to him and her saying she had nothing to say to him and if what he'd said was true, then her not speaking to him should be exactly what he wanted and him storming off

GarlicReturns Sun 26-Jan-14 14:57:23

Right, so he got into trouble for manipulating her at work. Did she also complain of sexual harassment?

FWIW, I know what I'd do in your situation but I don't know if you've got the bottle for it.

Mamafratelli Sun 26-Jan-14 14:58:51

I don't know the backstory but your dp could be in big trouble at work if she decides to complain. It doesn't matter that it took place outside of work, employers don't look favourably on this kind if thing.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 14:59:37

Mini - I knew it was a slim possibility, but I think she also knew that I was going.

MiniTheMinx Sun 26-Jan-14 15:00:06

She told him to leave her alone, he ignores it, now he tells her to leave him and...she ignores it. The relationship here seems to be between these two...so where do you fit into it?

GarlicReturns Sun 26-Jan-14 15:00:23

she told him that she wanted nothing to do with him again and he approached her twice, ... him shouting at her for not talking to him and her saying she had nothing to say

Oh, god, Phoenix sad Your H has been making a total wanker of himself over her, and has allowed you to believe she's trying to get into his pants ....

Sorry. I know it's not what you want to hear.

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 26-Jan-14 15:00:32

Your partner sounds a delight. I can't see what this woman has done and I have a confused face too. How can any man speak to a woman like that? Shouting and swearing, not on in my book.

She may not report this but it sounds like you have lots of issues in your relationship that need sorting out.

Also, I hate it when 'mutual friends' get involved. Look at what it's done. Some friends just get off on the drama of someone else's misery. Stop listening to gossip.

LondonNicki Sun 26-Jan-14 15:00:35

Your behaviour was all a bit Jerry Springer I must say.

He slept with her and then joins in a public verbal assault on her to cover his ass?? This man does not sound worth fighting over....

Butterscotchcrumbles Sun 26-Jan-14 15:00:48

OP, you need to leave him, leave this drama and build a life for your and your DC's away from this aggro. But I don't think you will do that.

Tonandfeather Sun 26-Jan-14 15:00:54

This is absurd.

Either your partner was having an affair with this woman or he was trying to.

You have uncorrobated gossip that he tried to sideline her at work and got into trouble for it.

He's admitted nothing.

You've always checked his phone even before this.

Now you've assaulted a woman who allegedly got stitched up at work by a colleague who's now swearing and shouting at her in public while his partner assaults her.

Your partner might lose his job for this.

Rightly so by the looks of it.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 15:01:14

Garlic - what do you mean?

Mamafratelli - I don't think she'd go to the managers again because it wouldn't show her in a good light either. He's much more 'significant; than her role there too, he's well liked

talksomesense Sun 26-Jan-14 15:02:22

You really need to talk to your partner. You are not getting the full picture here by any stretch. You know that in your gut too which is why you're trying to work out ow's confusion. He's clearly telling her one thing and you a completely different story.

str8tothepoint Sun 26-Jan-14 15:02:47

Sorry but I'm gonna say it - bunny boiler

Searching for her on Facebook, verbally assaulting her and possibly physically too??

You have a very long way to go, good luck x

Tonandfeather Sun 26-Jan-14 15:03:06

What are you on about?

How would this not show her in a good light?

MadBusLady Sun 26-Jan-14 15:03:42

Well, if I was their boss I'd want to get rid of both of them. Does anyone get any work done at all at their place?

Tonandfeather Sun 26-Jan-14 15:04:10

Fuck off with the bunny boiler comment, whoever that is. Women-hating bullcrap, that is.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 15:04:30

I don't mean to sound Jerry Springer or deranged I'm just so overwhelmed with rage. He told me as we were getting ready to go last night that she won't leave him alone and showed me every text since she messaged him asking to talk away from work on Viber in October when I blocked her

rainbowsmiles Sun 26-Jan-14 15:04:35

You appear to have some communication issues. You have failed to discuss everything openly and honestly with your ratbag partner and you just start shouting and shoving this woman??? Last nights fiasco has brought you no closer to discovering the truth. What was the point in that???

You need to stop. You need to sit down with this guy who sounds a real charmer shouting at this woman to leave you alone when she had been minding her own business. It was you who bothered her. Anyway you need to tell your partner everything and he owes you an explanation. Stop hiding from the truth.

She should report your partner to hr again.

I hope she goes to HR and has your horrible partner sacked for ongoing sexual harassment.
That's exactly what I would do.
And BTW, you have completely humiliated yourself. Nice.

str8tothepoint Sun 26-Jan-14 15:05:29

You seem to idolise your DP and totally slaughter OW when you know nothin about her

He's pulling the wool over your eyes big time. If he verbally assaulted her too like you mentioned then regardless of his job role it's still unacceptable when you have no proof of an actual affair

Mamafratelli Sun 26-Jan-14 15:05:57

I'm totally confused. Did they sleep together?

GarlicReturns Sun 26-Jan-14 15:06:15

Do you mean about my advice & having the bottle for it?

I would ring her up, without H present, and apologise like mad for making a scene. I'd say it was all very confusing about the rows they've been having at work, I was hearing one story from people and another story from him. I'd ask her, very nicely, if she'd mind coming for a coffee with me to fill me in. And I would listen carefully to anything she has to say.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 15:06:26

Last time something happened when they weren't talking for 8 weeks, I heard she got a lot of shit talked about her and that it was because he knocked her back

And now it could look like she IS stalking him by going to this club night when she knew he'd be there?

MsWinnieBaygo Sun 26-Jan-14 15:07:43

You and your partner approached her completely unprovoked - you both sound like you acted deranged and unhinged and handled the situation with no class or dignity. There didn't have to a scene - you created one. Based on unsubstantiated gossip. No wonder she looked confused - your partner sounds like an embarrassing twat.

She can go wherever she likes, does not give you the right to harass and assault her.

MsWinnieBaygo Sun 26-Jan-14 15:08:36

She is stalking him?? I've heard it all now. Wake up OP

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 15:08:39

We stayed in a hotel last night but after that happened we couldn't exactly have a nice time away from the children for a night. All he has said is that she won't leave him alone and he's not done anything

Mamafratelli Sun 26-Jan-14 15:08:44

No, it looks like she was having a night out when his crazy wife went ape shit at her for no reason.

HMG83 Sun 26-Jan-14 15:09:12

Sorry OP but you sound unhindged!

YOU approached HER in the club, trying to make it sound like she's doing the stalking is very odd.

To be honest, I think your partner is spinning you a yarn.

My advice....stay away from her and forget about her. You have no evidence that she's actually done anything.

MiniTheMinx Sun 26-Jan-14 15:09:15

But he could have told her the price of the tickets and then taken you somewhere else. Nah, he's probably enjoying all this a bit too much

KringleCandleLover Sun 26-Jan-14 15:09:42

I would be more concerned about his-her employer tbh.

If she complains about the verbals, he could be dragged over hot coals for bringing the company he works for into disrepute(sp?)

I would get him to check his company handbook or policies. I've worked for a couple of employers who had policies that took into account my actions even if not at work.

As for loosing it, especially if tensions are high and booze is possibly involved, it happens. It did to me. Very similar situation. CCTV confirmed the allegations and I was cautioned. Think before you act,it got me in the shit and although the caution is 'spent', it'll always be there,on record.

IRCL Sun 26-Jan-14 15:10:59

so is she never allowed to go places on the off chan've your not so do will be there?

you did yourself no favours last night.

unaware of the backstory here but neither of you are being shown in a good light.

MadBusLady Sun 26-Jan-14 15:11:01

I bet he's loving it. Stirring twat.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 15:11:55

The club is out of town, so it's not as if it's somewhere you just walk in.

The only person who sawwas my partner, so I've not humiliated myself in front of him?

I've only told one person in real life and she made a comment thats sticking with me - my partner said nothing whileI was telling her to get a grip and stay away from him, and tried to yank me away by the hand. She asked why he said nothing at all until she tapped him and he shouted to fuck off...?

rainbowsmiles Sun 26-Jan-14 15:12:35

And who told you that? What a bizarre way to live. Your horrible flirting disrespectful partner is to blame for this entirely. Not the OW. She owes you nothing. Get a grip and focus your anger towards your cheating rat of a partner.

Do you think she's not going to tell everyone at work on Monday she was abused by you both?
Really?

coffeeinbed Sun 26-Jan-14 15:14:28

Delightful, the two of you.

Tonandfeather Sun 26-Jan-14 15:14:39

Face facts.

Your partner was either harassing this woman or having an affair with her.

She either rejected him and reported him for sidelining her or reported him for sidelining her after he binned her when you got pregnant.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 15:15:30

Last time something happened mutual said she was very upset and affected by all the gossip, and people even suggested she left but she refused as she hadn't done anything wrong (in her eyes). Mutual saw her crying outside too apparently, so I don't think she's going to tell anyone tomorrow

AnyFucker Sun 26-Jan-14 15:15:32

You guys trying to help this poster are all wasting your time.

Every comment you have made has been argued back at.

if she wants to make a tit of herself over her prick of a boyfriend, let her get on with it

some people thrive on drama like this

Pollydon Sun 26-Jan-14 15:15:54

So he is in a higher work position & that makes it ok for you both to verbally assault her in public?
Yup, you are unhinged & your H is a wanker.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 15:16:54

Do any of you think my friend had a point when she asked why he didn't say anything at all while I was shouting at her until she tapped him saying we'll have a conversation about this later?

TheNewSchmoo Sun 26-Jan-14 15:17:40

You don't appear able to see what is staring you in the face but seem hell bent on blaming this woman. It takes two to tango and I feel your anger is misplaced. Your partner sounds like a massive twat and you are seriously blinkered, you cannot be living a happy life at the moment. Are you not worth more than this degrading behaviour?

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 15:17:45

AnyFucker - I'm really sorry if it seems that way, I'm trying to listen and reply to you all. I feel like I'm unravelling...when I saw her I just saw red

MiniTheMinx Sun 26-Jan-14 15:18:07

NO, why do you think its so important?

Pollydon Sun 26-Jan-14 15:18:20

Why not ask him ? You don't seem to like any of the replies your getting here.

I have no idea what mystical, righteous interpretation you and your totally unbiased friend have spun on that part of your hideous behaviour.

Mamafratelli Sun 26-Jan-14 15:19:11

I think the most important part is the fact that she looked confused. She had no idea what you were talking about.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 15:19:51

I did ask, he said he didn't want to make it worse.

Mini - because what my friend was getting at is that if he genuinely believed she'd done something wrong, he would have been backing me up. not trying to pull me away

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 15:21:04

Mama - doesn't the fact that she came after us make her look like she has something to be guilty of? That and texting him after he told her to fuck off and leave him alone?

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 15:21:59

Kringle - The club closes down after last night so I don't know if CCTV would go with it. I work for an emergency service and I'm scared now

HE WAS PULLING YOU AWAY SO YOU DIDNT HEAR THE TRUTH.

MadBusLady Sun 26-Jan-14 15:22:07

Ok, so you do agree he is likely to be the one in the wrong here?

MsWinnieBaygo Sun 26-Jan-14 15:22:12

I'm guessing she didn't say anything at all when you were shouting at her because she was the only one trying to maintain a bit of dignity in this situation. If some crazy woman came over to me in a public place and pushed me I certainly wouldn't be arguing or shouting back. Not because I had something to hide but because I would be mortified.

I think you're reading into this completely wrong OP

Whocansay Sun 26-Jan-14 15:22:50

You assault someone with no provocation and are now looking for ways to put the blame on her? There is something very wrong with you.

Your ridiculous 'stalking' analogy also works both ways, by the way. Your DH knew she was likely to be there.

MadBusLady Sun 26-Jan-14 15:22:53

x-posts, too late, the moment has gone...

Pollydon Sun 26-Jan-14 15:23:06

Yes, he didn't want to make it worse by the truth coming out.
Are you all in your teens ?

Mamafratelli Sun 26-Jan-14 15:24:13

No. She came after you and said that she hadn't done anything.

rainbowsmiles Sun 26-Jan-14 15:24:48

Okay listen to the chorus of opinions. Your partner is a cheat. Sort your own life out. Figure out why you accept such awful treatment from a partner. Chuck him out. Get some therapy. Stop thinking about this woman.

Doha Sun 26-Jan-14 15:25:06

sounds like you and your partner are well matched.
Leave this poor woman alone.
You only have your DP's side of the story-perhaps he was puling you away as he didn't want you to hear what she has to say.

MiniTheMinx Sun 26-Jan-14 15:26:34

Maybe she said she hasn't done anything wrong because its him after her all along, maybe he pulled you away because he didn't want you to hear the truth and maybe he told her to fuck off because he panicked thinking she was just about to tell you the truth.

DragonMamma Sun 26-Jan-14 15:26:34

I'm pretty sure I know what club you went to last night and I hate to tell you that if it was this place then everything was being recorded for a closing DVD.

MsWinnieBaygo Sun 26-Jan-14 15:27:24

You say you work for the emergency services. Does your workplace offer a free counselling service? You sound like you could benefit from getting some tbh.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 15:27:59

I suppose deep down I know you're all right, as well as my friend, though she didn't say it so directly. My head is fried, especially having to go home to our 4 year old and 2 month old baby

MadBusLady Sun 26-Jan-14 15:28:42

Look, we have no idea whether or not your partner has had an affair with this woman, currently or in the past.

But if he has, HE is the one who has betrayed you, not her. All this he-said-she-said work gossip about whether or not people felt guilty or looked bad is totally irrelevant, stop blocking up your head with it.

MadBusLady Sun 26-Jan-14 15:29:28

x-posts, counselling (for you individually) sounds like a good idea.

HarrietSchulenberg Sun 26-Jan-14 15:29:36

From what you said in your OP, you were all in a public place and you were the one who approached her.
You were the one who started last night's unpleasantness and you were the one who assaulted her.
I seriously think it's you who needs to get a grip.
Also, to imply that your husband's position at work is more secure because he is better liked by his employers is rather dismissive of their statutory obligations regarding sexual harrassment. I wouldn't rely too heavily on his remaining in favour if this situation continues.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 15:32:32

Harriet - I meant more than he is much harder to replace than she is, only one person can do his job whereas anyone can do hers and she knows that. Also if she does have feelings for him, she's not going to want to get him sacked and the backlash she'd get for it...

Dragon - Are you serious? :s They wouldn't have been filming the chairs/bar though, surely?

MiniTheMinx Sun 26-Jan-14 15:32:45

I expect your head is fried because you don't know if you are on your head or your arse, living with a liar effects people that way.

Have you spoken to him much since last night?

Blistory Sun 26-Jan-14 15:33:03

Are you confused because her behaviour was that of an innocent person ? If she's the wronged party it may well explain her confusion and insistence on clearing things up with your partner.

His behaviour clearly suggests some wrongdoing on his part.

Either way, he's the one you live with and he's the one in the wrong regardless.

Pollydon Sun 26-Jan-14 15:33:47

Take time.
Get your head straight.

KringleCandleLover Sun 26-Jan-14 15:34:15

I wouldn't be scared if I were you. You acted as you saw fit at the time so you must have believed in yourself when it happened. Every action has a consequence and unless you're thick as shit then somewhere, some part of you must have known this.

I'm all for standing by your convictions be they right or wrong. Worrying won't help you, I'd try and forget the situation until such a time when anyone comes knocking.

You poked her and unless she bruises dead easy, I doubt you've marked her.

Though I am surprised that with such a responsible job, you didn't think about repercussions.

If I were you, I'd be more concerned about your partners actions. They speak louder than words. Me thinks he's not all he's cracked up to be.

DragonMamma Sun 26-Jan-14 15:35:49

If it is the same place then I know they are definitely making a DVD of the night, how much they'll be filming I don't know

rach2713 Sun 26-Jan-14 15:39:29

By the sounds off it your partner has more to hide then you think cuz why would he pull you away and not let you speak to her and sort it out if she had done anything wrong she wouldn't be confused your making out she has done all the wrong when in fact its your partner and yourself that has

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 15:40:28

Mini - only for him to repeat that he had done nothing and she won't leave him alone

Blistory - I think her playing dumb and not saying anything bar that enraged me all the more which is why I poked her away twice after she followed us. What specifically - I'm not disagreeing, just trying to arm myself as best as possible - would you say suggests he has done something wrong in his behaviour of last night?

Kringle - what again as above, do you think his actions last night suggest? Also I AM scared because the amount of nice people on here saying she should/they would call the police if they were her, maybe she thinks like that too

WeekendsAreHappyDays Sun 26-Jan-14 15:40:55

you can access counselling through work even when you are on maternity leave, I suggest you make use of it - you have a new baby, there is all this going on, you could do with some independent experienced RL support right now.

What feelings?
The only feelings here are your toad of a partners towards her. She shrugged him off ages ago, doesn't she now live in another country?
Imagine this AIBU
So I'm back home, out with my friends, having a nice time catching up. Then this random, screeching harpy comes over, talking a load of jumbled shite and assaults me!
Only when I notice she's with that married tosser who tried to manipulate me into becoming his OW did I begin to understand, even though I'd done nothing wrong since I knew he was taken, I live abroad FFS.
Then HE swore at me? I've no bloody idea what that was about, I've texted him but no joy.
AIBU to think she's a nutter and he's a lying cunt?

AwfulMaureen Sun 26-Jan-14 15:43:51

I really doubt that the OP poking or pushing on this woman's arm could result in a charge of violence. I can't believe the hysteria over it. Of course she should not have gone and spoken to the woman but really, she poked/pushed her in the arm when the woman followed to confront...that's all. Waste of police time that would be.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 15:46:31

KatieScarlett - the mutual is the one who lives in another country. This woman still works with my partner

Ah, sorry smile

KringleCandleLover Sun 26-Jan-14 15:48:01

His actions could be taken 2 ways.

Either he's been telling porkie pies to you both OR he pulled you away and didn't say much to stop you from digging a deeper hole and getting into trouble. Perhaps it was his way of stopping you from getting drawn into fisty cuffs.

Then when she came and spoke, perhaps he told her to fuck off as a way of again stopping you from escalating things.

I don't know.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 15:53:54

That reminds me, one of the times I walked past again I overheard the friend say to the woman that she was really proud of how she handled herself and that she didn't fling my hand away or anything...do you really think he was pulling me away to end the situation as quick as possible out of fear?

On your original thread you listened to fuck all any of us said, you're now doing the same on this thread.
I'm not sure you're all the ticket tbh but you need to wake the fuck up & leave this woman alone! You know nothing about her-she may well have done nothing wrong, your DP on the other hand is a complete tosser & is the one you should be angry at.

Lioninthesun Sun 26-Jan-14 15:57:26

There is no way your partner comes out of this well.

I doubt this woman has 'feelings' for him, especially if she has already reported him once. If you have been checking texts and found nothing then I think that says a lot from her POV.

What he does at work, you don't know. It seems strange he chose to take you to a club he knew she would be out at on your night out without the kids...

rach2713 Sun 26-Jan-14 15:57:49

Yes he was cuz I could tell you now if you done that to me I would have done it back to you. He didn't want the truth to come out that he's still chasing her and she's tellin him to f@#k off

TeenyW123 Sun 26-Jan-14 16:00:00

Having 2 linked threads is very confusing, especially now posters are trying to respond to the same issues in both.

If I can be bothered I'll stick with this one, but you're just not listening/understanding that it's your 'D'P you should be tackling about boundary crossing.

KringleCandleLover Sun 26-Jan-14 16:00:17

I've just spoken to my DP. He's a policeman.

Yes, you could be arrested for common assault from what you've described but the chances of her reporting this(I'm guessing no bruises, cuts) are very slim.

My exh pulled me away when I did similar. It wasn't another woman, it was a relative. He dragged me away to stop things escalating so anything is possible.

I wouldn't get worked up about it. You have more important things to worry about.

talksomesense Sun 26-Jan-14 16:00:44

I doubt she would get a backlash at work if your partner left! Sounds like he'd be doing the whole female staff a great service! Honestly, he sounds horrific.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 16:01:16

Lioninthesun - I've checked his texts and found a few texts from her that he's never replied to. It's also the last chance we'd ever get to go to this club. She definitely had feelings for him at one point, she's there all the time he says even when not at work

Rach - you would have done what back to me?

gobbynorthernbird Sun 26-Jan-14 16:04:05

Wow. Do you have no dignity or self-respect? Do you realise that anybody who saw this will think that you are completely unhinged? Your partner was the problem, but now you are too. I hope she reports this to HR and he gets sacked. Poor woman.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 16:04:15

Teeny - I'm coming round, I just don't know what to think anymore. Up until this we'd been fine and now he's telling me that she's the silly woman who won't leave him alone and he's got us, so why he would do that, I just don't understand (I don't mean lie his way out of it, I mean why he'd do any of it when he has us)

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 16:05:10

Kringle - I really could get arrested on the word of two people with no real proof?

WeAreDetective Sun 26-Jan-14 16:05:57

I really don't see what this woman has done wrong. I can understand her confusion!

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 16:07:44

WeAreDetective - texting my partner when he told her months ago to stay away from him and still speaking to him and work, and then last night texting him again when he had literally just told her to fuck off and leave him alone saying she was in tears and it ruined her night

rach2713 Sun 26-Jan-14 16:07:47

If you came up to me poking at me I wouldn't have stood there and let you do it

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 26-Jan-14 16:08:28

Why doesn't he change his number or just block her - simple! Maybe because he doesn't want to.

gobbynorthernbird Sun 26-Jan-14 16:10:00

I doubt your partner told her to stay away. I bet the text last night was because she has no idea what is/was going on.

W00woo Sun 26-Jan-14 16:10:07

Hi

I can understand how you have got yourself so wound up about this, but try to look at this from her angle.

She looked confused. A man she is normally at the least friendly with exploded at her, swearing and telling her to stay away from him. To add to this, his wife shouting too. From your earlier posts it would not seem that that is the way he has been behaving - he may have not been answering texts etc but he has been working with her and I think I remember something about a lunch or similar away from the gossip.

If he is her senior and has had an inappropriate friendship (or more) with a junior, he can not lie to her and sideline her. It is not professional, and I think it would be harassment.

She is probably contacting him as she is now worried that he will be doing the sidelining again. This will get him into trouble and reflect poorly on your husband. Nobody is irreplaceable.

In the work context, it does not matter whether people get on, they like each other or if frankly they have been married and split up, they are generally expected to continue working together in professional way. So while he can stop the non work chat, he can not insist she stays away from him at work on professional matters.

I would bet there is somewhere a woman, slightly confused and very worried about what tomorrow will bring.

Your husband has caused you this hurt - it sounds like she backed off when she found out you were pregnant, read into that what you will about what happened before, and I suspect your husband has picked up the friendship again. Has she behaved perfectly - probably not - but she has not behaved as badly towards you as he has.

Fwiiw I suspect that this was/is some soft of emotional affair, but my interpretation based on her confusion, his pulling away and unusual explosion that this was more him than her.

Not sure what to advise except please don't let yourself approach her again and look at your relationship closely.

Hope you are ok.

appletarts Sun 26-Jan-14 16:10:29

What??? You pushed her about and shouted at her in the street and you want her to leave you alone? I don't understand. Shame your partner couldn't leave her alone when he was meant to and sorry to point out the obvious but I bet he's still seeing her now which is why she looked confused, he probably told her you'd broken up or something. Anyway, all sounds very undignified. Why don't you hold dp responsible for his indiscretion and leave him in an adult and respectful fashion with head held high?

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 16:11:06

I blocked her on Viber so she couldn't message him anymore when she messaged him 3 months ago. Then he sent her a few messages meant for someone else saying nothing really but thats the only time he's replied, even when she's text merry christmas etc

KringleCandleLover Sun 26-Jan-14 16:11:10

Unfortunately yes. Its how police find out facts. (That's my swing on things, dh not in the room).

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 16:14:18

Thank you for all replies, I genuinely mean that. Idon't know what I would have done today without here as a sounding board.

Woo - do you really think he was fine with her until shouting at her last night?

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 16:14:47

How do you mean its how police find out facts?

HolidayArmadillo Sun 26-Jan-14 16:15:13

That poor woman, sounds like she has been harassed by your husband at work and then when on a night out with friends she gets harangued by this screeching harridan. If I were her I'd be lodging grievances anywhere I could.

WeekendsAreHappyDays Sun 26-Jan-14 16:16:36

you don't know he hasn't replied and as for her texting him last night, he had verbally abused her, she had every right to challenge him, you dopn't get to treat people however you like and expect them to just do what they are told because you want them to

gobbynorthernbird Sun 26-Jan-14 16:17:25

Phoenix, I think most of us think he was fine with her until that point.
Personally, I don't believe there was an affair, but if there was it would be your DPs fault. Remember, this is the bloke who was quite happy to pretend you didn't exist.

HolidayArmadillo Sun 26-Jan-14 16:20:51

What evidence do you have for anything ever happening between your husband and her? Do you just have his version of anything?

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 16:21:43

Gobby - you don't think there was an affair? I think you're the first person to say that!

HolidayArmadillo - The whole thing lasted about two minutes so it wasn't as if I caused a huuuge scene, though I appreciate it wasn't a good thing I did

WeekendsAreHappyDays - He'd told her to leave him alone, though, and she still didn't? If she had any self respect wouldn't she have just left it? (again, I know I could have reacted better)

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 16:22:56

HA - Yes, he said she hasn't left him alone for a year and he hasn't done anything

My devil's advocate friend also pointed out this woman was talking to two men at the time who she may have been on a date with...

You are really clutching at straws now.

W00woo Sun 26-Jan-14 16:23:35

Hi

I think he probably was fine before last night. If he wasn't, she wouldn't have been so confused. Didn't you find out about a lunch away from the 'gossip'? It could have been as just friendly colleagues, but to be honest that would probably be even more confusing to her - why if they were just friends should she be treated like that?

I would think it very odd if my husband behaved in that way - although I think he would have pulled me back because he would be embarrassed of the scene regardless of what happened.

Honestly, I think your senses tell you you do not know the whole story and probably never will. That can make you feel powerless. What you can control is how you behave from now.

I hope for you that there are no repercussions, however from over 10 years working in hr these situations do have a habit of bleeding into work and I suspect your husband will have some explaining to do. If anything , We also expect a higher degree of integrity and behaviour from our managers so I hope he does not try to further alienate her at work.

Maybe time for him to seek alternative employment???

WeekendsAreHappyDays Sun 26-Jan-14 16:25:58

some people (like me) hate being told what to do - if you had verally abused me like that in public, I would have texted out of anger and for the hell of it to be honest

gobbynorthernbird Sun 26-Jan-14 16:26:09

I very much doubt she would've been confused if the partner of the person she'd been illicitly shagging, and who she probably knew would be at the event, came and had a go a her.

HolidayArmadillo Sun 26-Jan-14 16:26:31

So your husband told you this woman has been after him for a year? And you believe him? With nothing to corroborate this? You're mad. Sorry. But you are. I'd do what the poster unthread suggested and contact this woman, apologise profusely and ask for her version. Your partner is spinning you a line and you've foolishly fallen for it. Even if they have been having rampant sex she is not the one who made marriage vows to you, or impregnated you and promised to be a good partner and father. She owes you nothing. Your ire needs to be directed elsewhere.

WeekendsAreHappyDays Sun 26-Jan-14 16:26:56

and so what is she was out on a date - you are going to make yourself really ill and you have 2 small children in this mess as well

WeekendsAreHappyDays Sun 26-Jan-14 16:27:48

if you value your husbands job I would advice against contacting her!

shartsi Sun 26-Jan-14 16:29:38

You have posted on here admitting you assaulted the woman. If the police took your computer, they would find the evidence too.

myrtleWilson Sun 26-Jan-14 16:31:13

How many times did you walk back past her? Surely there was no need to do that?

WeAreDetective Sun 26-Jan-14 16:31:52

But she was texting to find out why she deserved being attacked.

And what makes you think that just because your DH told that what he said to her, that this is what happened??

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 16:32:53

Woo - No, he never met her. I saw the message on his phone from her and confronted him about it and blocked her. He's always so unhappy in his job and is very stressed but when we talk about it we feel we cant have him leave because he has responsibilities/our chuldren/mortgage to pay for

Weekends - why would she have text saying she was in tears and it had ruined her night if she wasn't trying to play the sympathy card? With the date thing, my friend meant that this woman could have been sitting there with a date and I shouted at her about my partner making myself look worse

HA - Yes he said that since I saw them together/first heard from the mutual

WeekendsAreHappyDays Sun 26-Jan-14 16:33:00

He shouted at her to fuck off and fuck off and leave him alone at work too

You actually think she needed to pay any attention to someone who behaved like this - it was disgusting

gobbynorthernbird Sun 26-Jan-14 16:34:40

She texted him because she HAD NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING ON.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 16:35:30

Myrtle - twice. She'd stayed sitting down looking like she'd been crying for about an hour and a half. My partner didn't look at her and kept his eyes down, though we didn't hold hands while walking past either of those times. The way to the smoking area was that way thats why we passed

gobbynorthernbird Sun 26-Jan-14 16:36:15

Have another look at the text. The bulk of it isn't about her upset.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 16:36:30

If that was the case, wouldn't she be more inquisitive, not tell him she was crying and it ruined her night that she'd paid £150 to go to

MadBusLady Sun 26-Jan-14 16:36:52

"Play the sympathy card" to whom, for what???

She. Is. Not. Your. Main. Problem.

What, you don't think she has the right to be shocked and upset after being assaulted and verbally abused for doing fuck all?
Really?

WeekendsAreHappyDays Sun 26-Jan-14 16:38:55

Weekends - why would she have text saying she was in tears and it had ruined her night if she wasn't trying to play the sympathy card?

Maybe because its the truth, she was pissed off, she spent a lot of money and got attacked and verbally abused by him and his wife???

It doesn't read the way to me that you are reading it.

KringleCandleLover Sun 26-Jan-14 16:39:37

Re police finding out facts.

People are only ever arrested on suspicion of something.

Its how police get to the nittygritty of incidences and sort the fact from non fact.

From a police pov I seriously doubt anything will come of this.

Calm down x

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 16:41:10

Would I maybe get a warning though?

What is it going to take for you to listen to what we are all saying?

She isn't your problem!!!

HolidayArmadillo Sun 26-Jan-14 16:42:18

Play the sympathy card? You're deluded! She said her night was ruined because she was sat minding her own business on a night out when you went all batshit crazy on her ass and she has no idea what the fuck was going on?!

WeAreDetective Sun 26-Jan-14 16:43:20

AF is right... Op has her point of view and is relentlessly sticking too it.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 16:43:34

MadBusLady - to get sympathy from my partner, what other motive would she have to tell him shes upset

KatieScarlett - I think after he told her to fuck off, she should have listened. Texting him after that just looks desperate

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 16:45:09

WeAreDetective - I'm honestly not trying to sound that way. I'm hungover, don't know which way up I am and trying to look at what happened before I return home to him and my children

Only one of you is desperate-it isn't her.

Oh well, you just keep on believing love.

MadBusLady Sun 26-Jan-14 16:45:57

"to get sympathy from my partner"

But WHY would that matter, if he isn't going to give her any sympathy? As long as he is being 100% faithful and straight with you, it doesn't matter a damn what she does or how desperate she looks.

But you seem more interested in fixating on her behaviour than holding him to account for his.

ImperialBlether Sun 26-Jan-14 16:45:58

So you have a new born baby and go out to a club for a night out and end up in a fight? What if you'd been arrested?

From the sound of your man there I think he's a liar and a cheat and tries to wind up everyone around him.

For yourself, you're a mum now and need to calm down and act in a respectable manner, ffs.

WeekendsAreHappyDays Sun 26-Jan-14 16:46:20

she doesn't look desperate she looks annoyed and upset, you want her to look desperate because that suits how you want to see things, if this had escalated and she had retaliated you would all have been arrested, you are PARENTS, not teenagers rowing in a nightclub

WeAreDetective Sun 26-Jan-14 16:46:21

Then look to your home and your husband, not to her. She is not your problem.

Sausagesaurus Sun 26-Jan-14 16:50:32

I think you're missing the point that everyone is trying to make. Stop focussing on the fact that she told him she's upset so quite obviously wants your DH sympathy. Would you not be upset if you had just been attacked in a club whilst out minding your own business with your friends? Particularly if you had no idea what was going on. I certainly would be, and I'd be well within my rites to contact that person to ask what the hell that was about and tell them that my night was now ruined. Or are you such a wet lettuce that you would let someone bully you and get away with it, particularly if you have to work with them?

You sound like a very jealous, insecure woman who doesn't like the fact that your DH clearly has a crush on an attractive woman. Get over it.

magoria Sun 26-Jan-14 16:51:07

This superior at work is happy to lie to get what he wants at work. That is the level he will stoop to.

He didn't block her you did.

They were all over each other not her.

It would ruin my night and I would be bloody upset if I were treated the way she were treated by a work colleague and his P. Absolutely disgusting to be trying to turn this on her playing the sympathy card. She sounds a lot more professional in that text that your P acted and let you behave.

Unfortunately OP you have to blame her and attack her don't you?

Because to look at your P is too scary and too close to home. The one you thought loved and respected you and would never do this to you. The one you decided to have children with and thought you would spend happily ever after with.

Too scary to go there and face the truth isn't it.

So easier to blame someone else.

Cabrinha Sun 26-Jan-14 16:53:35

Anyone else rolling their eyes at him a while ago texting her BY ACCIDENT talking about nothing?
Pull the other one, it's got bells on.
I think in 20 years I've sent someone a wrong text about twice, received wrong ones about five times. And never to or from someone that I was keeping out of contact with.

Doesn't matter what she's done, you shouldn't have acted like a fishwife shoving her. And I bet it was shove, not poke.

As everyone keeps saying and you keep ignoring... HE IS YOUR PROBLEM, NOT HER.

Keep some dignity

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 16:59:58

Why would he text her about an appointment that he has with someone else that said nothing? She played along pointing out that he'd sent it to the wrong person with a winky face and he said he hadn' realised it was the wrong person. What would be the point of that?

God this is the world's worst hangover, I can't ignore so many people saying the same thing sad

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 17:01:02

Magoria - how did she sound professional?

I don't understand what I should do if he won't admit anything and I have no real proof

MilanBlu Sun 26-Jan-14 17:01:45

Can I ask you why you are still with this man?

DuchessFanny Sun 26-Jan-14 17:01:47

He'd do it just to be in touch ? To initiate a conversation of sorts ? You'd blocked the viber, so he used another method ?

HMG83 Sun 26-Jan-14 17:02:46

If he won't admit anything and you have no proof then leave the poor girl ALONE!

Sheesh. Get some counselling too.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 17:03:17

He sees her most days at work though, so why would he do that, that sounds pointless

Milan - because with two children, a mortgage and wanting to believe a man I've loved for 7 years isn't making afool of me

GarlicReturns Sun 26-Jan-14 17:03:54

Oh, god, Phoenix, there's no hope for you is there?!

Going by what your mutual friend told you (other thread):

• EITHER they did have a bit of a thing last year, OR your boyfriend got obsessed with her and she played along for a while, because he's her senior and a lot of young women don't know what to do with a creepy boss.

• I reckon he cut her out of the work project through spite. Maybe he'd tried it on with her and she knocked him back. I reckon she may have complained about his harassment then, too.

• The row your friend witnessed seems to be very much about HER telling HIM to back off. This makes it more likely he was harassing her, and she'd finally realised he wasn't going to stop.

• She is NOT chasing him, it's the other way around. He's spun this story to cover himself with you, and out of embarrassment.

• Work will have told him to shape up and behave professionally around her. He will have agreed. She probably thought it was all sorted.

• Then you turn up acting like the lunatic fishwife from hell. No wonder she was confused ("what have I done?") and upset.

• He shouted at her to fuck off because you wanted him to! He was just sticking to his story, that she chases him.

He's lying to you, Phoenix. HE risked his job by letching all over her, getting emotional about her at work, refusing to back off. HIM. Do you get that??

MsWinnieBaygo Sun 26-Jan-14 17:06:27

Never mind your P making a fool out of you OP, you're making a complete fool out of yourself now.

Sausagesaurus Sun 26-Jan-14 17:06:51

So she thinks of him, and he has some kind of communication with her, sometimes that's enough for a person who has a crush, just to be acknowledged. As you said, she played along and gave him the contact he wanted.

Maybe once sending a message to the "wrong person" could be explained away, but a couple of times? Surely the first time would've taught you to double check before you send the message. Blinkers comes to mind.

sykadelic Sun 26-Jan-14 17:07:06

Wow. Just wow.

I don't think she's having an affair with him. It's probably someone else and he doesn't want you to know who or to try finding out so he's telling you its her to keep you off the scent.

She probably texted him as any normal person would... to find out what is going on. Wanting to talk at work means she wants an explanation.

Being upset... imagine you're out with friends and some random person attacks you, and you notice your work colleague is there and he's telling you to F* off and you barely talk to him at work, let alone outside work. You're extremely confused and hurt. Add the history of him lying before and her being treated badly... She's worried he's spreading lies again.

Re viber and him not replying. Bullshit. He's deleted his replies and kept her msgs so you think she's chasing him.

You blocked her and he "accidentally" msg her? Only possible if he still had her details in his phone.

You're being played. This woman has no idea what you're talking about. She is the victim of your DPs lies.

Doha Sun 26-Jan-14 17:08:11

^^
well said Garlic

MilanBlu Sun 26-Jan-14 17:09:57

PhoenixRising1979 But he is making a fool of you sad and if you let him get away with it this time he will keep on doing it.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 17:10:24

Oh I only blocked her on Viber, she could still call/text him. He didn't accidently message her on separate occassions, there was 3 messages in a row that he sent to this other person with her replying andhim saying he didn't realise it wasn't the right person and he didn't lookproperly. What on earth would he get out of her telling him he sent a message to the wrong person?

So he's liedto us both?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 26-Jan-14 17:10:32

Blimey OP. You've painted yourself into a corner now. If you were in a club, they will have CCTV. Leave this woman alone. Take it up with your partner because he most certainly IS lying to you.

OW and he might well have decided on a game-plan should discover occur. I don't think it's over just now but you could be in trouble if this woman decides to involve your antics. Confrontation is never a good thing in my opinion, but to do so unprepared is insane.

So sorry that you're going through such a rough time but please, for your own sake, don't do anything else.

Why did you and he go to this event when you knew she would be there?

WeekendsAreHappyDays Sun 26-Jan-14 17:13:14

he gets contact and to see how the land lays, if she will respond, if she will be nice, or nasty - I have done it to test waters in the past.

Gunznroses Sun 26-Jan-14 17:13:31

GarlicReturns YES YES YEEESS! GOT IT!!!! hmmgrin

TeenyW123 Sun 26-Jan-14 17:13:46

Its a conspiracy. The 'accidental' messages were code messages for something else entirely.

MistressDeeCee Sun 26-Jan-14 17:15:28

I wouldnt confront the OW. But I wont fault you for doing so OP. We aren't automatons who dont feel anger, upset, hurt, injustice etc and can always just walk away to the moral high ground. Your partner is hugely at fault here - but Im not of the opinion that just because the OW is female, she should be seen as an innocent party in an affair. No, she is NOT innocent. Theyre as bad as each other. I hope she doesnt involve the police. If she does and story comes out then she wont look good anyway. I hope all is resolved for you, and that you can have an honest conversation with your partner IF you are staying with him, and move on from this ...

akawisey Sun 26-Jan-14 17:16:46

This is a mad thread.

But FWIW why would he send a text to this woman 'by mistake"? Because it's a way of keeping in contact.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 17:17:50

Teeny - in the messages she replied just telling him that he'd sent the messages to the wrong person so there was no hidden intent there at least

Weekend - but if he talks to her at work, then I genuinely don't see the point of him texting her at home with me about an appointment with someone else

Lying - CCTV would only show a grainy image of us talking, the more I think about it

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 17:19:33

KatieScarlett - because we bought tickets when they came out, we've been going to the club for years and it was closing last night. She only bought tickets this month from a tout just to go

WeekendsAreHappyDays Sun 26-Jan-14 17:19:47

I am ducking out of this - you know what is going on, you just don't want to listen, stay away from her, stay away from his works and start dealing with your huge relationship issues.

Also start looking after yourself and your children.

You have just had a baby this is not good for you, them, or your mental health.

You went there to confront her and you know it.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 17:23:48

Weekend - I hope its not seemed that way, but I've really appreciated your responses

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 26-Jan-14 17:25:09

Let's hope you're right, OP because most CCTV that I'm familiar with is not at all grainy; it's there for a specific purpose.

For the record, texts sent to the 'wrong person' are usually _nothing of the kind_; excepting the genuine ones, they are a 'prompt' or, as somebody else has said, a coded message for something else that will mean nothing to you.

forumdonkey Sun 26-Jan-14 17:25:17

Poor Poor OW sad although I don't think she's an OW. IMO from both threads I've read, I think your DP is probably being inappropriate with her and for a better word the office 'sex pest' with her - flirting, over friendly and probably a little inappropriate towards a colleague. He probably is trying her luck with her and she is in an awkward position of try to do her job, remain professional hoping he will go away.

The 3rd party who told you of 'the affair' only saw them being friendly with each other. She never said that rumour in the office was they were nipping off to hotels together and you yourself say that he is only ever at work and home.

As for being in the same club as you at the weekend, what if your DP decided to go to the club knowing SHE was going to be there. I think the fact you yourself say she had a genuine confused look after your verbal assault and obscenities on her tells you all you should know.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 17:25:28

That should have said I hope it HAS seemed not hasn't

BigOrange Sun 26-Jan-14 17:26:46

Cab I thought the same! OP it's a classic tactic! It allows you to make contact seemingly innocently so if she told him to do one he has the get out clause of saying it was an accident!

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 17:28:53

Forum - she saw them being more thanfriendly - her with her arms around his neck/her hands on his chest, and him with his arms round her waist, and him touching her neck...but all of that was 7/8 months ago

Lying - without sound, surely all you'd see is me talking to her sitting down and then her flying up out of her seat at us walking away?

MilanBlu Sun 26-Jan-14 17:34:35

PhoenixRising1979 I don't think she has reported this "incident/assault" to the police.

forumdonkey Sun 26-Jan-14 17:35:00

But you are taking the word of a 3rd party. Maybe it was more him with her? IMO depending on the environment of their work place that is very unprofessional and inappropriate behaviour and I wonder if someone was having an affair they would so blatantly and openly be all over each other - surely it would be the opposite and want to hide it.

I still think you DP is after her and pursuing her inappropriately.

forumdonkey Sun 26-Jan-14 17:39:48

IMO I believe the 'OW' with her confused look and her saying she'd done nothing wrong. I don't think she has. I think this poor woman is probably trying as kindly and friendly as she can be fending off inappropriate advances from your DP without causing a scene or trouble at work hmm and without falling out with him.

Tonandfeather Sun 26-Jan-14 17:46:13

IF this 'mutual' as you call her is acting with good intent and isn't a complete meddling, fantasist lunatic herself, then sure - something was going down with those two. Or at the very least, he was touching her inappropriately in a workplace.

He never even told her you existed. Made out he had a child but failed to mention he was living with that child's mother.

Even the mutual says this woman's a nice person.

CAN'T YOU SEE?

This mutual has been trying to tell you that your partner's a disloyal toad.

Jeez, I'd have a lot of sympathy for you if you hadn't already sounded a bit weird on that other thread with your pregnancy announcement at their workplace and the bit that seemed to send all the nice writers packing....that you'd checked his phone since the year dot.

But this is in a different league. Still you can't see the truth.

MistressDeeCee Sun 26-Jan-14 17:46:56

Ah...it seems theres a different slant on things. I now cant work out if she is the OW, or not. IF she isnt and you're just going on hearsay OP...& its your partner who is attempting to be inappropriate with her and is hassling her...then, youre lucky she didnt floor you. I would have, no question. I wonder if your partner engendered this meeting/situation on purpose? This sounds very confusing now but either way, its not nice for you at all and its your partner's fault in the 1st instance anyway.

Hatpin Sun 26-Jan-14 17:50:21

Has it not occured to you OP that if they both knew the other was going last night that they will have had a conversation about it beforehand?

She probably said she wouldn't cause any trouble with you and he probably told her you don't know who she is, so not to worry. They both probably agreed to ignore each other.

You don't have access to the dialogue which is undoubtedly going on between them. He doesn't need to reply to her texts by text. He probably replies later by another method.

And the mistaken text - testing the water definitely. MM used to do it to me all the time. Some inane e-mail saying nothing, to see if I would reply.

BitOutOfPractice Sun 26-Jan-14 17:52:15

OP here's the reason she texted him to say she was upset and it had ruined her night. It was because she was upset and it ruined her night.

The reason she texted him is because they are always texting each other. Just because you don't see the texts, doesn't mean they don't exist.

She has already reported him once at work (for harrassing her? For discriminating against her because she'd knocked him back?) so if I were her I would report him again. The fact that he is more senior than her will not count in his favour. In fact it will be worse because he will be seen as using his position of power inapprorriately.

He tried to pull you away last night before the woman had a chance to say to you "Hold on Phoenix, you do realise he's the one that's been unable to leave me alone, persuing me and throwing his toys out of the pram when I said no"

The reason they fell out whe you got pregnant is because he had told her his marriage was over, you didn't sleep together, just stayed together for the DC / mortgage / appearances / because you're a bit barmy, whatever. When you got pregnant she would have clocked on that that was all a crock of shit.

He sent her texts meant for someone else? Really? That old chestnut!

He is lying to you. Every step of the way. Concentrate on him, not her

GarlicReturns Sun 26-Jan-14 17:57:24

Ton - Gunz - Doha - None so blind as those that will not see confused
<gives up>

You are going through a horrible time, Phoenix, and I'm sad for you. You're not helping yourself by blaming Ms Pretty for a problem in your relationship, though.

JenBehavingBadly Sun 26-Jan-14 18:01:33

Having read both threads, she looked confused as she's done nothing wrong and had no idea at all why you'd be attacking her.

If someone I worked with did that to me, I'd want to know why. I'd also be bloody upset if someone had ruined my night out.

Your OH is a toad. If I was her I'd be straight to HR in the morning.

Cabrinha Sun 26-Jan-14 18:05:38

Sending an accidental message. Well you know, to my embarrassment I've considered it. Never done it!

But you - send something really obviously for someone else to ex boyfriend you're no longer in context with. In my mind, he'd reply to let me know and most importantly, he'd be really pleased to now have the opportunity to have a little chat during which (as my fantasy goes) he remembers how funny and cool and I am.

Fact is, it's fucking transparent and embarrassing, hence I've never done it. Just mooned around imagining how it would lead to more.

I think that's why he did it.

HelloBoys Sun 26-Jan-14 18:09:49

To be honest work could quite easily say "this incident happened outside of the office" eg what you get up to outside office has no bearing on what happens inside the office.

This could happen despite the HR stuff re sexual harassment.

YoBitch Sun 26-Jan-14 18:09:54

there is no way two colleagues would be touching each other in that way unless they were either massively flirting or seeing each other. it just wouldn't happen. she's confused because she knows he likes her. he's covering his arse. you are not going to get the truth out of him at this stage. all your instincts are telling you something's not right - now you have to decide whether you are going to listen to them or not. that's the crux of it now - do you trust yourself enough to believe yourself?

akawisey Sun 26-Jan-14 18:10:49

I'm with you Cab.

akawisey Sun 26-Jan-14 18:15:24

No Yo they wouldn't, and my ex would confirm that OP since he had an affair at work and did those touchy things in public.

But really. The person you could be having this out with is HIM. And if you're not satisfied with his responses you can tell him you want time out to think about this relationship because it isn't great, is it?

str8tothepoint Sun 26-Jan-14 18:17:04

Do all women always attack or have it out with the OW/OM??? And let the DP go away scot free??

MilanBlu Sun 26-Jan-14 18:28:59

Str8tothepoint. Because some women are made to believe that their DP could never do anything wrong (him usually the one who has made her like this) so they believe it is all the OWs fault, it is not uncommon in my circle of friends

PrincessPeashooter Sun 26-Jan-14 18:32:11

OP seems to forget that at the time there was supposed to be reciprocal flirting her 'D'P had not even mentioned that the OP existed. Even if there had been something going on it was not this woman's fault, she had been lied to. When she found out about him she told him she wanted nothing more to do with him yet he kept approaching her! But according to the OP she is totally the one to blame hmm and is stalking him??

Your partner sounds like a lying unfaithful dick and you are acting like a utter loon.

PrincessPeashooter Sun 26-Jan-14 18:34:47

Oh, you might need to think about getting back to work earlier than you planned. There is a strong possibility that your partners job is now on the line and he will struggle to find anything remotely comparable after being dismissed for sexual harassment.

Cabrinha Sun 26-Jan-14 18:38:49

PrincessPeaShooter I think the back to work early plan is good advice, but for a different reason: because he should LTB.

I don't know, I suppose an affair is an affair... but seems an extra high grade kind of arsehole that'd be openly cuddling their affair partner at work?
(And - yuck, how unprofessional and awkward for everyone else. Even if the two were married, if they worked for me I'd tell them to cut it out in work time!!)

gobbynorthernbird Sun 26-Jan-14 18:45:34

There is nothing to say there was an affair except the word of a 'concerned' friend. Who seemed hell bent on shit stirring.

akawisey Sun 26-Jan-14 18:45:43

Didn't stop mine Cab and in some 'professional' circles it happens a lot.

PrincessPeashooter Sun 26-Jan-14 18:50:26

Come on Cab I think it's fairly obvious that her partner could begging his colleague for sex and getting sharply turned down in front of the OP and she would still twist it to hussy trying to steal my man. This relationship is only ending when he gets a better offer.

Also, a person is not guilty when they think their BF is single. He had (or tried to have) an affair, but from what the OP has posted the 'OW' is blatantly innocent.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 19:40:47

Well I'm sat here in tears. The friend I mentioned earlier did Garlic's suggestion and contacted this woman on Facebook asking the truth

MilanBlu Sun 26-Jan-14 19:43:27

PhoenixRising1979 Where is your partner at the moment?

HelloBoys Sun 26-Jan-14 19:47:34

I don't think your partner will be fired OP as this happened outside the office.

But he may well get a warning IF and only IF the 'OW' complains.

I think you need to have it out with your DP and get the truth. And get thee to therapy over your jealous behaviour.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 19:49:54

She said that they never slept together or anything like that, but he was veryaffectionate to her, touching her hair/her all the time, showing genuine interest in her life, would talk and he told her how beautiful she was, and how being with her made him happy and he looked forward to seeing her and even mentioned the L word and she was so sure of him as he was so blatant. He would stand and stroke her neck in public, she even knows his card's pin number.

When I came in in the summer time he told her I was pregnant but didn't sound happy about it and that after the lying work wise she told him to stay away. He kept trying to say hi and the like and then had that argument where he said how awkward it is that she wasn't acknowledging him when he tried to acknowledge hher and she told him she had nothing to say to him and at work she would be professional but beyond that wanted nothing to do with him.

Then when the job brought them into contact again he started being nice like he used to be when they were alone, but didn't acknowledge her in front of people but sometimes if he caught her in the car park he'd rant to her about stufflike he used to or ask about her. She said she gave him something in September time that she won in a raffle but that he'd like and he accepted it excitedly. Shealso said there was that familiarity but with an awkward element in the mix now

Theres more but I'll put that in a separate post

WeekendsAreHappyDays Sun 26-Jan-14 19:51:19

why the hell is this woman getting so involved?? It is not her place to. Did you ask her to or has she just decided to interfere anyway? You know interfering in someone elses marriage/relationship just isn't on.

rach2713 Sun 26-Jan-14 19:54:33

You have to be careful she doesn't get you done for harassment

MadBusLady Sun 26-Jan-14 19:55:11

Urgh. So basically he was auditioning her for the role of OW, and got knocked back when she realised you were pg.

I'm sorry, phoenix, what a scumbag he is.

MadBusLady Sun 26-Jan-14 19:55:53

BTW, I am assuming the friend who contacted her is the friend you have confided in about all this, not the "mutual work friend" who's been relaying bits and pieces from the workplace.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 19:58:50

They talk normally at work and everything was 'fine', he attempted to call her a nickname he used to call her and she told him not to. I also found out that he knew she'd been to this club before. In August she'd left a note for her boss (not him) saying she was booking off X date as she was going to this event...she'd left the note under her handbag and he'd moved it, read it and then about 20 mins later brought up that she was going and they had a chat about it

In October she sent him that message asking if she could meet him for a coffee away from work as she didn't want to start any more rumours off. She told my friend the reason she'd done it was because she had heard more rumours about him and her and she wanted to know if he knew where it had come from away from walls with ears. When she brought up the fact he 'blocked' her he told her I'd gone mental and when she explained what it was about his reply was 'ohh right' quite casually and that she told him that he knows she cares about him and she'd never do anything on purpose to cause trouble for him. When he asked what the rumour was she didn't want to say at work but told him that he knew she was attracted to him so it didn't take agenuis to work what it was out and that he didn't follow and laughed saying he was happy with me and she told him that she wasn't propositioning him and he walked off grinning.

Then a month or so later she reminded him about shadowing him (which they'd talked about the month prior) as he is the big boss (as well as two other people) and he agreed, so the only text she sent were saying a few days she could do and questioning him when he didn't turn up, and one christmas/NY text that she'd hit send all on

Then this month in early Jan she'd spoken to him about last night's event and about tickets being sold out and he looked online for tickets for her and confirmed they were sold out and looked at the line up together having a nice chat

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 20:01:24

She said they'd spoken last week about a personal matter and he told her he would ask me for my professional opinion and let her know what I said for her.

All this last week she said he's been avoiding her and not looking at her or physically looking down when she's around.

Then last night happened. And she told my friend she's in bits and doesn't know what to do, she's been devastated all day and is terrified about going in to work tomorrow. She also admitted to my friend that she was in love with him but had been nothing but friendly/normal since finding out about the baby

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 20:02:30

MadBus - Yes thats right

WeekendsAreHappyDays Sun 26-Jan-14 20:05:14

she knows this woman is your friend - you are not going to get the truth like this either accept it and move on or tackle your dp - leave her alone and do not get your friends involved, it gets more child like by the post

sykadelic15 Sun 26-Jan-14 20:06:31

I don't know what you think, but I believe her and I think you've been played.

It's obvious there's no affair going on right now, but he seems to enjoy making you crazy about it.

The lying would really bother me.

MadBusLady Sun 26-Jan-14 20:06:51

Well, TBF, this is the first time there has been a proper alternative story to set against the bloke's, that isn't based on what someone else overheard or saw at work.

And he doesn't look good. Not surprised he was trying to drag you away from her.

What are you going to do? I presume he will just deny all this.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 20:10:47

She said she was so confused as nothing has happened like that in 7 months and the last time they spoke he was being nice to her saying he'd ask me for my help for her so to have me shouting at her when that was the last time they spoke ?!

Tonandfeather Sun 26-Jan-14 20:13:03

The woman gave this amount of detail on FB messages? Really?

There are more interlopers involved in this than a military coup.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 20:18:49

No, she contacted her through facebook but then spoke to her on the phone.

She also said that she has a text on her phone offering to come in to help her with her work and get my parents to look after our child if she wanted sad wtf

MiniTheMinx Sun 26-Jan-14 20:20:29

I would be inclined to believe her, she has no vested interest because A) she doesn't have to keep you happy B) by saying she is in love with him but dropping him in the shit, she is unlikely to please him.

I suspect he told her that his physical relationship with you was dead, you were basically nothing more than parents to your first child. She started to fall for this lie and an affair would have happened, had it not been for you announcing the pregnancy. To her credit, it appears that she put you first in this and was understandably upset that he had lied to both of you.

What are you going to do about your relationship with this deceitful scumbag?

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 20:21:30

MBL - Does her version sound believable to you?

Why would he be nice to her saying he'd ask me for my help 'for her', then avoid her and not be able to look at her last week...and then last night?!

Tonandfeather Sun 26-Jan-14 20:22:27

I see.

I'd say the only thing she's lying about now is that nothing physical went on between them before the pregnancy announcement.

TinselTownley Sun 26-Jan-14 20:23:49

I once had the wife of a colleague have a real go at me at a work function because she thought I was the OW. Nothing could have been further from mine or her husband's minds. We got on well as colleagues and really enjoyed working together. I was 18, he was 30 with a young child. I think one of the reasons we did get on was because, in a male dominated environment, he was one of the few I knew would never try it on not least because he was utterly besotted with his wife and adored his child. His face lit up when he talked about them and he did so often.

I say this because it is possible to get entirely the wrong end of the stick, especially after a few drinks. She was hugely embarrassed and apologised to me profusely the next day. I was just bewildered and then really felt her pain the next day. Had she have assaulted me, as you did, I don't think I'd have been quite so forgiving. I also suspect her husband would have resigned due to the shame.

I'm afraid, like others, I think your husband's the problem here and I think your relationship sounds utterly horrible and really, really immature.

You say he's the 'big boss'. Is he the kid in a suit on the bog roll advert?

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 20:24:58

Oh thats another thing, she said he told her on a certain date that would make me 10 weeks, a week after I told him and before he told anyone else

MadBusLady Sun 26-Jan-14 20:27:47

She could well be downplaying her part.

But that isn't really as important as the fact that it drops him squarely in the shit, and it tallies with stuff you already know.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 20:28:01

Tinsel - I didn't get the wrong of the stick though, did I?

When I say big boss, I mean boss of big dept rather than her direct supervisor

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 20:29:29

MBS - when you say drops him in the shit, would you class this as an affair?

WeekendsAreHappyDays Sun 26-Jan-14 20:29:52

Well, it sounds to me like he has been playing the both of you - she has been leaving you both alone, you need to decide what to do - not a bunch of internet strangers.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 20:30:19

Also, why on earth would he be fine with her, then avoid her to the point of looking to the floor last week, to shouting fuck off at her last night?!

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 20:31:52

Weekends - if she's been doing nothing for 7 months, why would he still tell me shes obsessed with her

TinselTownley Sun 26-Jan-14 20:32:19

I'm not sure you can be sure, with so many sticks, proxy sticks and 'friends' sticking their beaks in where the stick does indeed have an end, let alone which one's which.

I do know I'd think long and hard about grasping his stick until I KNEW precisely where it had been.

WeekendsAreHappyDays Sun 26-Jan-14 20:32:30

Do you really need me to answer that?

Tonandfeather Sun 26-Jan-14 20:33:12

Of course it's an affair! She's in love with him and he spoke of love to her. She knew his pin code! No-one's that tactile in full view of people when there's nothing physical going on, especially so now you know the feelings were reciprocated and mutual. They were seen holding hands weren't they?

She's not going to tell your friend she shagged him, is she?

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 20:34:50

I don't know, my friend said she sounded 'broken'

Weekends - are you going to say because he still wants her? Or wants her to be?

Tonandfeather Sun 26-Jan-14 20:34:51

Oh Man!

He gave you a load of shit last night before going out that she was a stalker.

That fuck off was for your benefit, to keep that story going of course!

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 20:37:07

Sorry, no I understand that (as much I can get my head around any of this), I meant more why would he tell her I'd help her and be nice to her...and then not be able to look at her all last week

Tonandfeather Sun 26-Jan-14 20:37:12

Of course she's broken.

The man she's in love with turned on her last night after you'd shoved her and gave her a mouthful too.

WeekendsAreHappyDays Sun 26-Jan-14 20:38:22

Actually thats not strictly true that there has to be an "affair", when I was young I had a boss who made my stomach churn, literally, just being in the same room as him would give me butterflies, he was all over me, all the time, we chatted, but never spoke out of work and nothing ever "actually" happened, we would hug and flirt etc, dance together at work dos and be pretty inseparable.

All unspoken and innuendo.

One night he turned up at a works do with one of our clients, who he was having an affair with.

I told him to go fuck himself and we had a huge row.

One day soon after (small firm) he called me into his office to apologise. He said he had come to work the next day expecting everyone to say I had been over reacting, and basically every one we worked with had bollocked him, saying he couldn't behave the way he had and not expect repercussions.

This was all a very long time ago and I was very young and naive - outwardly you would have thought things had happened, but nothing actually ever did.

I certainly would never behave like it now - nor would I expect DH to. But things like OP is describing without actually anything physical happening.

Tonandfeather Sun 26-Jan-14 20:38:33

Because he's in love with her. He's ben trying to get her to resume things for months.

I'm real sorry to say that to you.

WeekendsAreHappyDays Sun 26-Jan-14 20:39:25

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 20:34:50
I don't know, my friend said she sounded 'broken'

Weekends - are you going to say because he still wants her? Or wants her to be?

HE is saying what he thinks you want to hear to save his own arse.

Straitjacket Sun 26-Jan-14 20:41:43

At THE very least, it was an emotional affair. The love word was used,they were affectionate with each other and turned to one another for support and to sound off.

It seems to me he was hoping for it to become more, but then you announced your pregnancy which put a stop to it which she did.

The fact he isn't even being honest about it and is still lying to you speaks volumes about how much he respects you, plus the EA on top. I would be kicking him out pronto!

coffeeinbed Sun 26-Jan-14 20:41:45

Do they manage to get any work done, at their so called workplace?
You know, in between the gossip, meddling, hair stroking and shouting?

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 20:43:15

You actually think he's in love with her too?

My friend said the woman broke down in tears saying that she was so sure he felt the same and if I hadn't got pregnant he would have left me. She was so sure because of how he was in public, so sure because clients had assumed they were together

She told my friend she never wanted to hurt me and until last night never felt any animosity towards me, just sad. And that he mentioned my name maybe 4 times in 5 months

WeAreDetective Sun 26-Jan-14 20:44:51

Oh your husband has a hell of a lot to answer for. What are you going to do??

WeAreDetective Sun 26-Jan-14 20:45:58

Sorry! Partner, not husband

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 20:47:00

And that she'd offered to be moved to another supervisor and he said no and started back tracking, then a few days later I came in and saw her there, we had an argument, I banned him from having anything to do with her, and she said he said he couldn't do this anymore but talking about the work project and made a total fool of her, which destroyed her

WeekendsAreHappyDays Sun 26-Jan-14 20:47:14

I very much doubt he would have left tbh.

gobbynorthernbird Sun 26-Jan-14 20:47:31

I'm alternating between feeling desperately sorry for you, OP, and wanting to slap some sense into you. Bottom line is your partner has shit on you from a great hight and unless he starts to be honest right now there is no way you'll be able to save your marriage. Word of advice, don't believe a word he has said about any of this.

gobbynorthernbird Sun 26-Jan-14 20:48:28

Not marriage, relationship

Tonandfeather Sun 26-Jan-14 20:49:59

This is just what you were told on your other thread had happened wasn't it?

They were an item till you announced the pregnancy?

sykadelic15 Sun 26-Jan-14 20:50:10

No I don't think he loves her, and I don't think he loves you either. He loves himself. He's being the "good guy" by staying with you because you got pregnant. If you hadn't he may have left you for her, may have left her for someone else...

Doesn't really matter anyway. What DOES matter is he's been lying to you about her stalking him, about his part in the affair (emotional and/or sexual), about her texting him and him texting her.

He's been cheating on you. A good way to find out for sure is if she knows the actual PIN number. I don't know my male work colleagues PIN numbers (I know my female colleagues 'cause I get her lunch but she has to write it down for me because I deliberately forget it). That's pretty telling of how close they are/were.

If you want more proof check the phone bills.

I'd LTB... for not other reason that he'd lied and there was no trust there anymore (and I'm sorry bt I'm not the kind to be able to build that back up and I shouldn't have to).

TinselTownley Sun 26-Jan-14 20:51:45

OP, forgive me, but are you known as a bit of a character? Do you come across as a bit brash and well acquainted with the teachings of the school of hard knocks? I only ask because there seems to be a lot of third party involvement in what should really be an issue between he two of you and it might be that some of those third parties are either lighting the blue touch paper or exaggerating things because they either think it's what you want to hear or are resentful to have been wrapped in your dirty laundry but too fearful to climb out the basket.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 20:59:20

Yes, Tonandfeather, it is what you said. She said the day before we went on holiday he was stroking her neck standing behind her...then a week later he comes back and tells her that

Syka - she told my friend the number and it was the right one to his card

Tinsel - No, not really, I have a professional job and normal life...until this weekend apparently

sykadelic15 Sun 26-Jan-14 21:06:55

I'm sorry Phoenix, but I'm sure he's lied to you. What you do about it now is up to you.

Tonandfeather Sun 26-Jan-14 21:07:39

I wasn't on your other thread, but I agreed with some posters take on it.

I stick by what I said on this one. I don't think co-workers in modern times are this affectionate when they aren't physical outside of the office.

I don't blame her too much for making out to your friend that they haven't shagged. She's probably a bit frightened you'd kick off again and it would drop him even more in the sticky stuff.

Does it make any difference though?

rainbowsmiles Sun 26-Jan-14 21:09:26

Pheonix. What do you think happened? Would you stay with him if there had been an affair. Do you really want to stay with a man you have to check up on through 3rd parties and spy on? Can you get him to move out for a few days? Have you a mum who can come and help with baby and listen to you and give you good advice. You need some real life help. You seem unable to accept what is glaringly obvious and are hanging onto really unimportant points or occurrences in this mess.

You need to let him know what you know, how you know it and discuss it. You sound really young. Is your partner a lot older than you?

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 21:10:23

If everything she said is true? I don't know, I can't live like this

I'm still angry at her and I can't shake that

TinselTownley Sun 26-Jan-14 21:10:58

OK. I just don't get this whole involvement of other people, thing. Or why someone from his work would contact you in the first place.

Really, from the outset, how much of this information has arrived unsolicited and how much have you pushed for it? People have office affairs a lot and other people always know. They don't generally report the behaviour to people's partners.

At the end of the day, you can either live with the certain knowledge you'll never know the truth or bail.

If your driven to trying to wring information out of her, via third parties, rather than feeling confident in taking his word you may as well get out while you can.

Surely nothing can be more traumatic, or embarrassing than this carry on?

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 21:11:20

No, she's 10 years younger, we are both 35

Tonandfeather Sun 26-Jan-14 21:14:29

She's saying the same things as this mutual friend of yours said. Their accounts are virtually identical. She wasn't to know you had an insider reporting back on the physical affection that was going on. Yet it all matches up.

Are you angry with him?

WeAreDetective Sun 26-Jan-14 21:16:08

But are you angry at your partner?? I would be!

sykadelic15 Sun 26-Jan-14 21:16:49

Why are you angry at her? She was reacting to what he told her, just as you are reacting to what he's told you.

She's a victim of his lies too. You have to see that.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 21:16:53

I am, but I feel almost numb. She apparently offered to speak to me if I wanted, which has annoyed me as its like she 'has' to be the better person

WeAreDetective Sun 26-Jan-14 21:19:08

Or maybe she is trying to unpick the lies because she feels as duped and you in all this

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 21:22:32

How is she trying to unpick the lies?

gobbynorthernbird Sun 26-Jan-14 21:23:40

Fucksake. Don't speak to her if you don't want to, but you need to get over feeling like she's conspiring against you.

Tonandfeather Sun 26-Jan-14 21:23:43

I kinda understand this.

Objectively, we can see that this is a young soppy woman who was conned by a senior co-worker into thinking he wasn't in a relationship with his child's mother any more. By the time she found out he was still living with you, she was in too deep and doubtless he made out you were apart but living together. Then came the pregnancy and your control measures and he was a coward.

But to YOU she's a woman who didn't walk away quick enough, says she's in love with your partner and you'e facing up tonight to the possibility he feels the same. You're jealous and sad and that's coming out as anger to her.

But honey, it's HIM who deserves that anger and contempt.

WeAreDetective Sun 26-Jan-14 21:24:26

By wanting to see you.

She's realised how much he has lied to both her and also to you.

Talking directly is one way of stopping him spouting bollocks any more

TinselTownley Sun 26-Jan-14 21:25:13

I really don't mean to cast aspersions but is it at all possible that you're letting yourself 'read in' a bit here? It's not just that someone from his work would let you know cold (rather than confronting him or telling HR that two people, one in a relationship with someone she knew, were being overly affectionate on company time) in the first place but also why a 25 year old woman would agree to talk to a friend of yours on the phone. Surely she'd be terrified?

It just doesn't make sense. Could you possibly be trying to force you partner into admitting to what you think he's done by presenting him with evidence of an affair, even where that evidence is, at best, inconclusive.

If not, what more do you need to know? He's an office predator who might or might not have had an affair with a particular person.

What is it you actually WANT out of the situation?

AnyFucker Sun 26-Jan-14 21:27:03

You lot are all as bad as the other "3rd party" participants in this ridiculous drama.

I am surprised to see people still here, still engaging.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 21:27:14

Tonandfeather - I wish you weren't right but you may have hit the nail on the head. That's exactly how I feel. There's also an element of her being so pretty, why does she choose MY partner when she could have anyone she wanted?!

Hissy Sun 26-Jan-14 21:27:15

Stop being such a fool! You are angry at her? and still walking hand in hand with a cheat?

Bin him, and recognise that she was AS lied to as you.

All in all, neither is worth a second of your time.

Walk away and you end up being the better person.

Accosting her in the street, and you are wholly in the wrong.

Hissy Sun 26-Jan-14 21:28:50

Your DP is only your DP as long as he decides to be.

You can't control or change what he is.

TinselTownley Sun 26-Jan-14 21:31:03

You're right, AnyFucker. I feel compromised and dirty and I will get a friend to phone a mutual friend to give me a good talking to.

Arkina Sun 26-Jan-14 21:32:07

CCTV would show a grainy image of you talking. Are you serious? this isnt 1980. CCTV is probably HD will show exactly what happened. its invaluable for police in getting evidence.

police wont give a monkeys whats been going on between her and your hubby what theyll be interested in is you assaulting and harassing her.

You better hope she doesn't report it. shes got a witness and possible cctv

Tonandfeather Sun 26-Jan-14 21:33:44

No.

The question here is why are you still with someone who told another woman he loved her, was all over her in the office, failed to acknowledge you even existed and then lied to you for months?

Then set you up last night to confront her at a place he knew she was going to be?

Where is he right now? What's he been saying all day while you've been dealing with the fall out?

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 21:33:59

She did actually go to the police as she was advised to by a bouncer and was told that she shouldn't have got up after me and that the poking didn't class as an assault, apparently

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 21:35:35

He went home, I went to my friends and for a walk

I also don't understand why he didn't tell me he knew she was going to be there or didn't say anything to her beforehand?

Arkina Sun 26-Jan-14 21:35:53

If I was her Id be taking taking that further. Some random person coming up to you in a pub shouting at you and poking you DOES constitute an assault

Tonandfeather Sun 26-Jan-14 21:36:03

No, that didn't happen. She didn't say any of that. Neither did any cop.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 21:39:03

My friend whose house I'm at now said that he's probably going to apologise to her tomorrow

MiniTheMinx Sun 26-Jan-14 21:42:07

You are still here talking to us, person you need to be having words with is your partner.

And she is single, she can choose anyone she likes, she can only have them, if they choose her, whereas your partner isn't free to choose, having already made his choice to be with you. Now stop concentrating your rage on her, she is 10 years younger and probably naive because she fell for his spiel. He however cheated on you.

Lavenderhoney Sun 26-Jan-14 21:43:20

Having read this thread

If I was the woman in the club, who had already been to HR about being sidelined I would be straight back in there Monday morning.

I would want to speak to your dp about it, which HR might advise me not to do. I would contemplate calling the police as my friends might have advised, but I would probably talk to HR first about either them sorting it out and moving me to another dept or him moving.

I would be very upset at being accused and poked ( wtf!) by a random woman in a club whist minding my own business. Of course I would say I would speak to her to set her mind at rest I had no interest in her dp, after all I had already been to HR about him.

She is stuck between complaining all out harassment from your dp and him losing his job and being unable to get another and not support you. And hoping he goes away. Unfortunately he is a twunt who won't, and he appears to have convinced you its her! You think!?

OP, calm down, apologise to her and mean it, and think about what has happened. She clearly isn't interested in him. She might have been, til she found out her had a gf who was pregnant- NOT her fault - but really- you need to calm down and stop accusing her.

Stay away from these mutual friends who seem to love the drama in your life. And hope the police don't come knocking. I'd be apologising and not badgering for details from her.

Dontlaugh Sun 26-Jan-14 21:43:44

Whoever this man is, hasn't he done well out of this whole sorry mess??
Get rid, he's a knob.
Don't worry about the other woman, it's him you should be poking out the door.

MsWinnieBaygo Sun 26-Jan-14 21:44:31

I don't believe the post about the police tbh. I also don't understand why she would tell a friend of yours so much.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 21:44:32

I'm leaving for home in about half an hour so the children will be fast asleep.

Apparently she's terrified of going in to work tomorrow, why would she be if she felt she did nothing?

MrCabDriver Sun 26-Jan-14 21:45:12

He lead her on and tried to start a relationship with her.
You fell pregnant and he probably felt in too deep.
They still had feelings/chemistry for each other.
Maybe tried to go no contact but also started it up a few times here and there, confusing her.
He swore at her last night because he HAS to make himself look innocent to you.

Your husband sounds like a dirty shit.

I feel sorry for you OP because you are obviously hurting and desperately trying to block out the truth.

I think poking/shoving her arm is the least of your worries.

I think you need more real life support x

MrCabDriver Sun 26-Jan-14 21:46:36

I believe she would tell a friend and it is the truth because she feels like she has been made out to be the very bad one when hang on a minute look how he's behaved.

Tonandfeather Sun 26-Jan-14 21:48:03

Ok I'm outta here.

If you are still asking questions like that, we will never be able to get through to you.

Plus that post about the police wasn't true.

Arkina Sun 26-Jan-14 21:48:59

Being afraid of going into work doesn't make her guilty

if some idiot I worked with had approached me when I was out for an evening then his wife had a go at me and assaulted me I think Id be nervous too

Looks like whatever anyone sees the op sees herself and partner as the victims and this girl as the completely guilty evil party

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 21:49:22

When my friend said she sounded broken she said she was past caring and done with all of this/she doesn't need this. 'Especially to be humiliated in front of her friend last night for no reason'

MadBusLady Sun 26-Jan-14 21:50:02

What Ton said.

ThinkFirst Sun 26-Jan-14 21:50:20

It's your partner you should be angry with, not her. She didn't have a commitment to you, have a home and a child and a life with you, yet SHE is the one who took your feelings into consideration when she found out he was actually still in a relationship with you and having a baby. SHE was the one who walked away. NOT your partner, who is the one supposedly commited to you. He not only cheated on you (emotionally at the very least) but then carried on chasing her after she'd told him to stop. He's the one you should be directing your anger at, not her. She was most likely lied to by him also.

GarlicReturns Sun 26-Jan-14 21:51:03

I can well believe the cops didn't want to be bothered with two women having a bit of a barney over a bloke.

I'm not surprised you feel numb, Phoenix, you've been working so very hard at your denial sad You must be in shock just now. Glad you're with your friend.

I can understand how you might feel scared that, if you have it out with him, he'll run straight off to Ms Pretty and take up where they left off. This does in fact look quite likely - though we don't know whether she'd still have him after all this crap. He set her up last night, as well as you, didn't he angry

Thing is, he'll do what he does. He's a person wanker in his own right, with free will. You're stuck with deciding whether to put up & shut up (I think that would be very bad for your mental health) or telling him to sling his hook, because you deserve more respect than he's been paying you!

Who knows, you might figure this out between you after a split - or you might wake up & realise you're worth better than him - but you're really stuck with giving him some marching orders.

Horrid, I know.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 21:51:21

No, it's not that way, I'm just dumbfounded that this time last night I was holding hands having a nice time with my partner and now here I am, my entire world falling apart

Tons - thank you

MrCabDriver Sun 26-Jan-14 21:52:18

OP, what are you thinking with regards to your husband right now?

GarlicReturns Sun 26-Jan-14 21:52:26

It's true what ThinkFirst says ... Ms Pretty has had far more concern for you in all of this, than your partner has.

rach2713 Sun 26-Jan-14 21:52:51

Your always goin to find another reason not to like the poor girl or believe her so at the end off the day leave her alone and get on with your life and forget her it's your husband in the wrong

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 21:55:16

ThinkFirst - she told my friend that he was the one that walked away by telling her about my pregnancy, and when she heard that she thought what choice does she have but to have nothing to do with him

Garlic - I don't actually think she would have him, my friend said that she told her she'd rather it if she never had to look at him ever again and she's still reelinghe spoke to her like that with no provocation

Anyone leaving the thread - thank you for your replies, I truly do appreciate them

forumdonkey Sun 26-Jan-14 21:56:43

hmm is it just me that's finding a lot of OP's posts a bit hmm hmm

MrCabDriver Sun 26-Jan-14 21:56:43

What are your thoughts on your husband and his behaviour?

Do you trust him?

GarlicReturns Sun 26-Jan-14 21:57:03

Can't say I blame her! He's put you both through the mincer, really, all for the sake of his own ego.

Are you going to stay with your friend tonight? Who's with the DC?

rainbowsmiles Sun 26-Jan-14 22:01:14

Yeah cos up until you shouted at her everything was perfect! Eh?? Utterly moronic! And yeah I think the OW sounds nicer than either you or your contemptible partner. I hope she gets a new job and sues her current workplace. Goodnight.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 22:02:11

MrCab - I can't live with him lying like this or rather with no trust

The fact he didn't back me up last night is playing on my mind

I'm going home as I didn't leave enough milk for 2 days away and I don't want to be away from my babies. He is looking after them and has been since midday

GiniCooper Sun 26-Jan-14 22:04:12

Hang on, where's your DP all day while you're stalking this woman through your 'friend'.

MiniTheMinx Sun 26-Jan-14 22:04:20

Do you know what I think. I think she was infatuated with him, he lied to her. He is with you because she fell pregnant again and he realised she would know he had lied. He is also with you because he is trying to do the right thing but I do think he probably was/is in love with her. If you are able to accept that any of that could be true and live with it fine, if not I think you only have one choice available to you.

MiniTheMinx Sun 26-Jan-14 22:05:20

*because you fell pregnant again

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 22:05:42

You think he was in love with her too, Mini?

Thats not something I can live with

MilanBlu Sun 26-Jan-14 22:06:24

Phoenix, so where are you? I don't think you should have left.

coffeeinbed Sun 26-Jan-14 22:07:10

Is he looking after the DC?

GarlicReturns Sun 26-Jan-14 22:07:28

YY, what Minx says.

Tbh, Phoenix, there wasn't any backing up he could have done for you last night. He arranged this, remember! He found out she was going to the closing party, he helped her book tickets and then he booked yours.

He set you both up.

MiniTheMinx Sun 26-Jan-14 22:07:53

Yes I do, I'm sorry. I might be wrong but I have read both threads and everything you have told us. He is probably very torn btw trying to do the right and responsible thing and his feelings for her. I'm not making excuses for him, he has lied to both of you.

MsWinnieBaygo Sun 26-Jan-14 22:09:01

Oh for gods sake, none of know if he was be love with her. It sounds as if he probably told her he was anyway. Go home and ask your partner these questions rather than getting friends to grill the alleged other woman.

Viviennemary Sun 26-Jan-14 22:12:46

I haven't read this whole thread. I don't blame you for confronting the other woman. Whether it's wise to or not is a different matter. But in the end unless you can put this whole thing behind you and get on and try and find some happiness with your partner maybe it's time to call it a day with him.

wannabestressfree Sun 26-Jan-14 22:13:20

Something about this is 'odd'
If I was baring my soul to my friend I wouldn't be posting so much and randomly thanking people for reaching the end of their tethers with me....
People have said 127 ways the same thing and get the same stunted responses.......
I am out (thank you to follow)

K8Middleton Sun 26-Jan-14 22:16:34

Get some self respect ffs.

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 22:17:08

I just don't want people who have spent time and energy trying to help me thinking I'm not grateful...I am

My friend is taking care of her children, I'm sitting in her conservatory on her laptop putting off going home sad

Garlic - Not that it really matters, but we bought our tickets in November, she got hers a few weeks ago

GarlicReturns Sun 26-Jan-14 22:25:06

I see you're right about the tickets. But she booked the day off last August. As you say, it's neither here nor there now you know the story.

Go home! Do you feel angry with him yet?

PhoenixRising1979 Sun 26-Jan-14 22:27:17

I do, I'm very angry and very hurt

GarlicReturns Sun 26-Jan-14 23:01:46

You've every reason to be! How dare he put you through this, with all his tales of her being obsessed and so on? Go home and tell him. Good luck, I'll be thinking of you.

Straitjacket Sun 26-Jan-14 23:02:53

Look, no one apart from your P and the OW know the truth.

But, the OWs story does tally a lot with the mutual friends story. Going on that, I would be inclined to believe her.

You just keep going around in circles though, more or less repeating questions but in different ways to us. Frankly, you are just going to drive yourself even more mental doing so and it isn't going to solve anything as we do not know the truth.

Leave the poor woman alone now. It appears that she is just as much of a victim of your P's lying and manipulative behaviour as you are.

If I was you, I would go home, tell him you know everything. Don't go into detail of how or what. Just tell him you want him to leave whilst you contemplate your future as you aren't sure you can continue in a deceitful relationship which lacks respect.

Stand by it. Make him leave. Even if you do want to work things through. He needs to realise what he stands to lose and realise that he can't lie his way out of this.

I bet he will soon start talking. Probably not the whole or even half truth to start with, but if he really wants you both to pull through this, he will start talking. They always minimise at first, so be prepared.

Also, stay as calm as can be. Easier said than done but it is for the best to deal with this calmly and with a clear head.

NicknameIncomplete Sun 26-Jan-14 23:34:33

You need to go home & have it out with your partner.

He has been playing you and treating you like a fool.

GinSoakedBitchyPony Mon 27-Jan-14 00:02:40

hmm

TheNewSchmoo Mon 27-Jan-14 00:20:32

The more detail, the more contradiction. I'm out.

Tonandfeather Mon 27-Jan-14 00:32:54

I'm now wondering whether this has been an elaborate concoction from a woman having an affair with a married man who wanted to show wives as violent madwomen and the third wheels as sweet-natured, doe eyed kindly innocents.

That happens on forums I'm afraid.

PhoenixRising1979 Mon 27-Jan-14 06:34:07

I've no idea what would give you that impression, Ton, but to give an update we've been talking/arguing since I got home and he's currently packing his things to leave for a while.

Thanks to all who were there for me yesterday

Cabrinha Mon 27-Jan-14 07:33:18

Oh that's interesting that he's leaving for a while.

Do you remember the books where you had options for the plot, if the woman calls the police, go to page 14. If the husband leaves for a while, go to page 23? I find it interesting that developments are a step behind the suggestions on this thread.

I never much enjoyed those made up books.

MiniTheMinx Mon 27-Jan-14 08:11:50

Did he put up a fight or go willingly?

GinSoakedBitchyPony Mon 27-Jan-14 08:32:10

After sleeping on it, I'm stilll...
hmm

Tuhlulah Mon 27-Jan-14 09:20:40

Phoenix, I see there's some doubt about whether you're a real poster or not.

However. I will assume you are.

I have a friend who is beautiful, utterly gorgeous, sexy, bright, clever, together, quite literally a golden vision. And sweet and lovely. She's in her early thirties now.

In her mid twenties she was engaged to a man and they were very happy and faithful. To cut a long story short they split up, remaining friendly but hardly ever seeing each other. She had other relationships whereas he began a relationship with a mutual friend and she got pregnant, I understand because she felt insecure of him, and believed pregnancy would keep him. They lived together. I understand that although he wasn't in love with her, he understood his responsibility and they became engaged. Then she got pregnant again. Neither pregnancy planned, second pregnancy came as a surprise because she was on the pill. These things happen.

They live in a small town and then one day my beautiful friend pitches up again to live there for a year. The man homes in on her like a magnet. Turns up in places where he knows my friend will be, is always there, and they also have lots of mutual friends. Every social event, he is there, with and without his new fiancee, looking longingly at my friend.

My friend gets a bit fed up and confronts him, asks him what he's playing at. Problem is, she still loves him and always has. They talk. They tell each other they still love each other and they still want to be together, but there is this issue of the new fiancee and two babies. They do not do anything physical at all, but they love each other and want to be together but there is an obstacle stopping them doing anything. The obstacle isn't the fiancee but the children.

So he elects to stay with the fiancee for the sake of the children and they have an enormous BIG wedding. With him dreading every minute of it (I am told). My friend has moved away now, to allow him to just get on with his marriage, because she knows it's wrong to be there. However, the man is always texting her and doing things on her face book account. (He is a bit of a shit, if you ask me. Weak.)

So, my point is this:- WHO would want to be in the fiancee's (now wife's) shoes? Her husband in love with another woman but staying with her for the children. Dreading the return of the woman he loves because if he hasn't been unfaithful physically then he has wanted to, and that is as bad. Because he LOVES the other woman. And what we cannot have becomes ever more desirable.

He is trapped. She knows it. She only has him because at the moment he believes he has a responsibility to look after his children. But he doesn't love her, he loves a past love whom he can't be with, but longs to be with.

Convoluted story Phoenix and overly long. But this is you in a few years. Who'd be in your shoes?

TinselTownley Mon 27-Jan-14 12:00:54

For me, it's not really a question of whether you're a genuine poster who thinks their DP is having an affair. More that what you are presenting as factual has more holes than one of Miley's stage outfits.

The whole thing reads to me that there is a DP and there is a gorgeous 25 year old at his work who you suspect he's shagging or has shagged. I think you've confronted him and he's denied it so you've upped the anti and pretended to have 'evidence' from a colleague of his who, you've said here has conveniently moved abroad since telling you. Obviously, he would know a real mutual friend so I suspect what you've told him is that a colleague just happened to let you know of the 'affair' via Facebook in a desperate effort to get him to admit to something you've fixated upon in your mind. You've then allowed your insane jealousy to provoke you into assaulting the poor woman and he's at the end of his tether. Because you simply can't own up to your own paranoia, you've then invented a phone conversation between the poor woman and another anonymous friend in order to justify your appalling actions.

You've then posted the whole sorry saga here because, for some reason, having people say 'yes, he's having an affair' somehow justifies your behaviour and makes you feel less crazy. You have also been seeking reassurance that your actions wont have cost him his job.

I have no idea if he's had an affair or not. I don't know if he's the office sex pest or not. Sadly, it is obvious that you don't either. I may not be entirely accurate here but it is abundantly clear that there's something very rotten in the state of Denmark and you have embroiled yourself in a series of events that have now got completely out of hand.

Until you reign yourself in and get real with yourself, there's no way you're going to get resolution.

Good luck with that. Now leave the poor girl alone and bloody grow up.

ShephardsDelight Mon 27-Jan-14 12:49:23

I think you need to direct your anger at your husband, this is why staying with a cheat is never a good idea.

Tonandfeather Mon 27-Jan-14 13:02:59

I don't know what to think about all this.

Taking it on face value though, I'm not very surprised at the outcome posted earlier but it must be very traumatising nevertheless. I hope you've got some support close at hand, poster.

I guess my more general thoughts that apply to all the different possibilities re this thread are that women would be so much STRONGER if they stopped competing with one another for truly crap men.

From what I've seen of this site there seem to be more posts from new wives who are bitter about first wives, than posts from wives who blame other women who've intruded on their marriages but not the men who are messing around.

Which is maybe why this one was so weird. I've honestly never met a woman who thinks like this poster.

HelloBoys Mon 27-Jan-14 13:09:21

The more I read this Tonandfeather the more I thought (I know I shouldn't) as if it was Troll. and I don't say that lightly

The story just seemed so implausible as it span out, who etc where etc said what. Or it just seemed bizarre. Maybe I'm being unfair as yes, emotions can skip all over the place. just it seems OP spent a heck of a lot of her time on her iphone/IPad etc doing FB messages etc rather than sorting this out with her DP.

Lioninthesun Mon 27-Jan-14 13:55:43

I've caught up with a little since yesterday. Hope you are OK OP. Very glad you seem to have got some space from him to think about everything.

I wanted to share an experience I had in my mid 20's. I worked with a man who was married and had a picture of a child on his desk. We used to all go out for lunch as a team and he was regularly the one flirting with waitresses/giving women the eye/talking about women in a sexual way to all of us and making comments etc. It was quite typically laddish behaviour, but he wasn't my boss so I ignored it and thought he was a knob. Anyway, FF to Christmas party and he pops up, a little drunk. Leans in to me to tell me his devastating secret; his wife no longer wants him. He is heartbroken and emotionally empty. He hasn't had sex since their son was born 3 years ago. They sleep in separate beds and only play along at being a family for their son. Even their parents know about it and have urged them to stay together for their grandchild. He felt lost, sad and very lonely. He'd always admired me and thought I was so kind and lovely. I was really pretty and all of the guys thought I was a stunner etc etc...
And then he put his hand on my leg.
I laughed in his face, and walked off. Now if I had been 5 years older I may well have added a slap in there, but I could see it was quite pathetic. I had no doubt what he was doing, or trying to.

2 months later he came in with the news his wife was pg and took everyone out for drinks after work. I didn't go, needless to say.

I do think this is far more common than women realise. A friend had it happen to her a year ago in her work as well. It is a very obvious thing to those women old enough to have seen it before. I suspect she was naive or just very young and didn't think he would lie to her, especially if he was her manager.

Anyway, take some time to look at what you want and what he wants. Hope you are alright.

GarlicReturns Mon 27-Jan-14 15:10:02

I don't know why your thread's chock full of disbelievers, Phoenix. I've seen versions of this story played out around me all my life, and have frequently been in situations where other people were trying to tell me my husband/boyfriend was cheating; I didn't know what to believe. This is why I hate dishonesty in relationships so much - it leaves the honest partner stretched between having faith in their partner, and trying to figure out who's lying (and why.) It pulls the ground from under your feet.

Long story short, I now see this as intolerably cruel. I'm aware I need & deserve to be treated with respect. Anybody doesn't do this, I'm out. I deserve better. So do you. I'll never need to pull a story like this apart again, in my own life, but I very much understand why you felt you had to. I'm glad you made him go, well done! I imagine you must feel wrung-out and sad just now. Do take care of yourself - eat, sleep, talk to friends, be kind to You.

You'll be needing to think about whether you want to share your life with somebody who could do this to you. Maybe this isn't the right day to think about that, but put the question in your mind and see how you go. All the best.

HelloBoys Mon 27-Jan-14 16:01:53

Garlic I don't NOT believe but it seems very strange that Phoenix has the inside track on so much of this and has friends etc keeping in touch with OW.

It seems to pan out like the worst case soap opera you could imagine.

I do NOT NOT believe her - I DO!

GarlicReturns Mon 27-Jan-14 16:16:07

It's not that complex, though. She had one of her boyfriend's co-workers giving her the heads up. She's now emigrated. Phoenix's best friend contacted Ms Pretty specially, following Saturday night's bust-up. That's only two contacts. All the rest is the boyfriend telling lies.