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dealing with separation

(183 Posts)
keptinthedark Fri 24-Jan-14 00:08:45

my husband has been gone almost four weeks ......the pain is still insurmountable ...i can't eat or sleep i just sob and wail ...i want him back so badly i am in tablets from the doctor but they are n
ot helping .....help me

canttypefortears Fri 24-Jan-14 00:24:43

Just posted myself too. My husband told me he no longer loves me on christmas day. I was and still am MADLY in love with him. He left two weeks ago. Ive been a sobbing mess and yes like you prescribed tabs. I have that gut wrenching pain. If i do sleep at night i wake thinking ive had a nightmare, suddenly reality hits. Yesterday something clicked in me, im worth more than this, i dont deserve this, he doesnt deserve me! Hes asked for divorce ( only 3 weeks ago did he say he had a problem with the marriage, i was blissfully unawares!). Im a woman scorned he has a fight on his hands! Dont get me wrobg, im still so devestated and would have him back if he cane. But ive got kids and i got to get back to being their mum. Abd i got a bit of fight left ib me yet. Cyber hugs sweetie x

1983mummy Fri 24-Jan-14 12:10:10

Sorry that you're going through this. A separation can be like a bereavement so it does take time to come out the other end. I am coming up to a year now and I can honestly say I may not be perfect, but I am happy now. if you have DCs adapting to becoming a SP is hard work but it makes you feel really strong. Just keep yourself busy - I joined the gym grin

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 24-Jan-14 13:32:13

I'm sorry you're still so down. You need real people around you at this time. Someone to encourage you to eat and get a bit of rest. Someone to listen to you sob if necessary. Tablets can only damp things down a little so that you can function. They don't change the circumstances. Only time can do that unfortunately.

Maybe it would help if you told us how it happened and a bit more about yourself? Do you have kids? Friends? A job?

keptinthedark Fri 24-Jan-14 17:07:17

an affair ........and not the first time ......we have three dcs they are in pieces .....i have begged and pleaded with him to come back but to no avail i am so desperate it hurts so so bad

MissScatterbrain Fri 24-Jan-14 19:08:26

Bastard.

Please stop begging him to come back and start focusing on your precious DCs. Read this link on why begging does not work

handfulofcottonbuds Fri 24-Jan-14 19:43:23

I'm so sorry.

No matter how hard it is though, do not beg him to come back, maintain your dignity.

Are the tablets ADs? If so they can take a few weeks to start working and the tears will reduce.

Do you have family, close friends who you can lean on? If you feel like texting, emailing, phoning him, then can you call a friend? My friends took it in turns to sit with me most nights. Sometimes they just sat there hugging me.

How old are your DCs?

Try to focus on you and your DCs, I know how hard it is but it is them that will help you get through.

Sleep when you can, even just naps. Eat little bits, I lived on soup and bananas for weeks. Cry as much as you need to, you will start to cry a little less each day until you suddenly realise that you haven't cried for a day, then two....

There is a Paul McKenna book that may help, 'I can Mend your Broken Heart'. I haven't read the book but the CD that comes with it is very good and helps me relax, a lot of women on here recommend it.

babycow38 Fri 24-Jan-14 20:44:24

I have been there OP, 16 years together, two DD ,i left in Sept 13 because of his behaviour, not just finding out he was seeing OW but the cruelty and putting the blame on me after i found out. Five months on i have realised he just IS NOT worth the pain, i have had to rebuild a new life for me and the kids and he does not give a tosss, still going out , his appearence is all that matters, meeting new OW which is going to be a shock for the first one, I just keep telling myself i did not deserve this, i will get through and come out the otherside, it is such a cliche but it DOES take time, and now i know i will never in a million years have him back, you will get there,i didnt think i would, but i have xx keep posting xx

keptinthedark Sat 25-Jan-14 18:57:15

seen h today and he said seeing me this upset is killing me and he wishes he could come home but that he knows i would never forgive him .....then he gave me a big hug .....i am confused now ....i want him back so badly ....is he yet messing with me?? i am so upset i know that ow has driven to see him tonight as she lives four hours away that thought of them together is killing me and....he told me ow has said if he wants to go back to me she will understand .....what is that about he left me for her!!! Help please

handfulofcottonbuds Sat 25-Jan-14 19:06:09

I remember your previous thread but I won't out you.

He is playing you like a fiddle, seriously, he has been so hurtful throughout this and then says this!

Please try and get stronger. I know you have to be in contact for your DCs sake but do not hug him, it will keep you in the place you are in right now and that isn't a happy one.

keptinthedark Sat 25-Jan-14 19:06:40

seen h today and he said seeing me this upset is killing me and he wishes he could come home but that he knows i would never forgive him .....then he gave me a big hug .....i am confused now ....i want him back so badly ....is he yet messing with me?? i am so upset i know that ow has driven to see him tonight as she lives four hours away that thought of them together is killing me and....he told me ow has said if he wants to go back to me she will understand .....what is that about he left me for her!!! Help please

keptinthedark Sat 25-Jan-14 19:08:10

thank you for not outing me.......i was identified on here by a member of h family .....and they threatened me

buggermewhatnext Sat 25-Jan-14 19:09:14

Do not beg him to come back . It wont work. I have been there done that and he still trotted out through the door.
Then I got back with him FIVE years later!! I found out he only responded to me as his relationship had gone belly up. I held the torch for him all that time and in the end I was second choice. We lasted another five years but it hasnt worked... So in short if he can walk away once, when you are begging him not too dont go there

handfulofcottonbuds Sat 25-Jan-14 19:11:49

I'm glad you came back x

What can you do to make things easier for you? I'm guessing he comes to the house when he likes? I know you miss him terribly but he is messing with your mind and you are vulnerable right now - it's not fair and you can't move forward if he continues to do this to you.

keptinthedark Sat 25-Jan-14 19:17:16

thank you ......i missed the support ........yes he comes to the house regularly and calls or texts me at least twice a day always texts with smiley faces and lots of kisses .......i know i should realise he is playing me but i want him back so....he knows that too so i suppose its my fault ......

handfulofcottonbuds Sat 25-Jan-14 19:17:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buggermewhatnext Sat 25-Jan-14 19:21:57

You need to give yourself time and plenty of it. You need to cherish yourself, try to plan nice things no matter how small. Silly things like buying new things for the house, treating self to new hair style, manicure, reflexolgy.. lovely hot baths. I tried all those things and they did help me a little. It will take time

handfulofcottonbuds Sat 25-Jan-14 19:31:44

whatnext is so right. People are so kind, the first time I treated myself to a massage after my H left, the masseur asked me why I had booked the massage and I simply said, "my H has left me for another woman", she said she would make me feel lovely. I had felt ashamed to say that before.

Same when I got my hair done, I sat there with my eyes closed the whole time but felt better for having got a new hairstyle.

I closed my eyes in the shower for weeks, couldn't bear to look at myself, it does take time but you will start to love yourself again and as long as you do that and also know that you have the unconditional love of your DCs, you can come through this.

mrsmciver Sat 25-Jan-14 23:40:59

I recognise you too, I was worried about you.
Am seriously struggling myself right now but please block your h phone number. It is doing you no good at all. He is messing with your head too much. He is being cruel and keeping you dangling, leaving you waiting for any 'morsel' he throws your way.

keptinthedark Sun 26-Jan-14 00:00:25

iam mistaking his actions for love i don't know i feel like he still loves me he says he does i want him to think he can't come back but if i push him away he cuddles me more sends more texts and says he loves me more i feel like i am losing the battle he is controlling my every waking and sleeping moment i thought that after four weeks it would feel better but its not if anything its getting harder i have lost three stone and had my haircut but that hasn't helped me any

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 26-Jan-14 00:08:51

You may not believe it but you do sound stronger now.

Could you tell him to back off, or get someone else to do it? He is really playing on your emotions and it really isn't fair on you. It's not about what he wants but about what you want. You need time and space to heal.

The ADs will start working over the next couple of weeks, 4 weeks is no time at all to begin to process something like this especially when he is being so manipulative.

keptinthedark Sun 26-Jan-14 00:24:49

so do you think he is keeping me as some kind of reserve? cos he doesn't want to be on his own if it goes wrong with ow? or is he just going it to see the dcs? is he also confused about what he wants he seems to be

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 26-Jan-14 00:30:28

Yes, that word is what I wanted to write 'reserve' but I didn't want to upset you.

It doesn't sound like he's confused, he's having what he wants and keeping you in reserve. It really does sound as though it is building up his ego. His guilt is also reduced as he had given you a hug, sent a few smiley faces and kisses and it makes him feel absolved.

Can you see that you are stronger now? You are starting to see things for how they are.

DCRBye Sun 26-Jan-14 00:41:06

I am sorry you are going through this. I have been through the same too. It's really so, so painful. I can't offer you any advice, only to say I wished I hadn't begged. Hugs and you're not alone xx

keptinthedark Sun 26-Jan-14 01:08:15

i don't feel stronger but i am pleased that you all think i am. i need to just get into my head that i must not let him make me his back up plan. he knows me too well i noticed today he has taken off his wedding ring that really hurt my heart as it seems really final but husband actions make me think there is hope and that we can work it out that is what i want more than anything for me and the dcs we need our lives back and he is holdingthe key and dangling it in my face taunting me almost

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 26-Jan-14 06:38:40

Sorry you're experiencing such terrible pain but getting your and the DCs' lives back is actually in your hands, not his. I think you're going to have to limit contact with your ex to the strictly necessary stuff to do with the DCs and make a big effort to focus on your new life for a while. Make some plans, be with friends, do things that you all enjoy. It isn't fair that he is keeping you on a string, confusing you and giving you false hopes. It is very cruel indeed. He really isn't your friend so there is no place for smiley face texts etc. Good luck

mrsmciver Sun 26-Jan-14 09:15:49

How are you this morning kept?
I hope that you have something planned for today. x

TinselTownley Sun 26-Jan-14 09:41:11

His actions are unspeakably vile and, as everyone says, you need to block and/or ignore his inappropriate and - frankly - bizarre messages.

It will get better but never, ever, ever with him. Do not let him erode you any further. He is beneath contempt.

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 26-Jan-14 10:34:23

When he did this before, was he sending you texts like that and still hugging you and giving you false hope?

I'm going to request that one of my previous posts is deleted so it doesn't out you.

keptinthedark Sun 26-Jan-14 11:46:51

yes before not only the texts but also everytime he came to see the children we were sleeping together not just cuddling so in a way that was worse. I spent an hour and a half talking to my first ex husband, who incidently did the same thing! and he said that he only wanted me when I got with my now estranged husband but realised it was too late at that point. On a positive I have finally today changed the sheets on the marital bed although I will still be cuddling up to his bathrobe for many more months to come I suspect! Saw him this morning and the usual cuddle in fact he almost forgot for a minute and tried to kiss me but I turned away he stunk of alcohol

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 26-Jan-14 11:49:43

He is being so cruel to you when you are vulnerable. I believe some do want wives back when they find someone else.

Well done on changing the sheets, it's a big step. Can you put a stop to the cuddling?

TinselTownley Sun 26-Jan-14 12:20:11

Poor, poor you. Can you start with baby steps? Such as setting firmly in your head that when you communicate about the children or he comes to see them, it is about them and then alone? Don't be side-tracked, don't hug etc? It is a boundary you can establish in your own mind to help claw back some control. He won't respect that boundary but, if you can stick to it, you will start to feel a little better, I'm sure.

The bathrobe thing is dependent on the robe being there, which presumably he wants it to be. Can you bring yourself to give it back to him?

Stay busy. Immerse yourself in your children. It's what I do then, halfway through, I find myself smiling and laughing. You, the 'real you' is still there - no matter how lost you feel.

Do take the utmost care of yourself. You are very worthy. He is foul.

keptinthedark Sun 26-Jan-14 12:41:43

I know that I have to toughen up and its reassuring that those of you on here before who recognised my previous threads say that I do seem to be not quite as deep in the pit of misery that I was four weeks ago.....I dont feel that i am every day is just such a struggle and every night goes on for ever and ever especially when I know that he is in bed with ow. I have now talked my youngest dc into see his dad as unfortunately i realise that he has to have a relationship with them although I feel he has no right to be in their lives after what he has done to them their worlds have fallen around their ears and it will never be the same for them and I know that when they are with him and the texts that they send him are all asking him to come back! everyone is telling me that I need to stop discussing the situation with everyone and not talk about h but I cannot I still even after four weeks feel like I am living in a complete nightmare and am praying that I will wake up in a minute and it will all be over. As for H he is still living in his fantasy world with ow who as she lives a four hour drive away he is only seeing on a weekend meaning that their relationship is not going to burn out as quickly as it may have done if she was nearer. Although I feel her comments to him that she would understand if he went back to his wife mean that she is maybe not as committed to their relationship as he is , I mean it does mean her having three young dcs in her life when she is nearly 50 something perhaps she had not considered fully upon starting their relationship??

neiljames77 Sun 26-Jan-14 12:49:31

I take it that the people saying you shouldn't be discussing it are members of his family? Of course they'll say that because posters on here will be giving you good advice on how to move forward and do what's best for you and your DC's. I also assume that the OW doesn't know what he's been doing when he pays you his visits.
BTW, bin the dressing gown.

keptinthedark Sun 26-Jan-14 12:59:19

no not members of his family they have welcomed ow with open arms two weeks ago they held a party in her honour to welcome her and then they put all over facebook how great it is that h has met ow and finally got away from me the bitch after 12 years of hell!! they have not considered the dcs in any of this obviously!!

neiljames77 Sun 26-Jan-14 13:55:20

I'd usually say that kids should have a father's involvement but this bloke and his poisonous family shouldn't have any influence on them. He's no kind of role model at all. You'd be better off with a complete fresh start in new surroundings in a different area. If he still wanted contact with your DC's, I'm sure he'd be prepared to travel. He is, after all travelling 4 hours to get his end away.
In time, the kids would make new friends and so would you. At the moment, what you're trying to get back is toxic and what you're prepared to accept is toxic. Your children need to see that you're not prepared to accept any old crap just to keep the status quo.

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 26-Jan-14 14:14:26

When he came this morning stinking of alcohol, had he driven to you?

The dressing gown thing I completely understand and you will let go of it when you are ready. I slept for months with pillows propped up behind me to pretend someone was next to me. I also opened his wardrobe now and again to look at his clothes, they didn't smell of him though as I had sprayed my perfume on them - kind of marking my territory before he took them smile

It all sounds very fake. He meets another OW who lives miles away, his family throw a 'welcome to the family you adulterer' party and make sure you know about it. He acts like he's still married to you and OW says she'll 'understand' if he wants to go back with you. If she did say this, then it's probably because she's seen what a freak of a family he's got and wants no part of it.

TinselTownley Sun 26-Jan-14 15:41:59

He sounds like he is the product of a very strange family and you should be able to talk, cry, scream and rage with impunity.

It will get better and - when it does - I suspect he will be stuck in the same malignant patterns of behaviour. More fool that other woman.

keptinthedark Sun 26-Jan-14 16:29:06

yes he had driven to me this morning and I did contemplate him not taking dc but did not want to cause a scene. As for his clothes when i packed them up a couple of weeks ago I did not remove them very carefully from the hangers so most now have rips/tears and buttons missing I also sprayed them with my perfume! I am sure that ow does not know that he is hugging me everytime he visits dont think she would be too impressed but then she is still living with her partner up country so I dont suppose she can say much although ow has told h that they are not sleeping together??? likely story!! I know that you all think he is a poisonous rat that should be put down but I do and always will love him it took a lot for me to trust anyone after my first husband who basically had lead a double life for six months before he left with a flat, credit cards, phone etc all of which I knew nothing about!! and my h knows that which is why it hurts even more that he can do this to me and to our dcs

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 26-Jan-14 16:45:05

smile at the not taking the clothes off the hangers carefully.

It is fine to know that you will always love him, I will always love my H - but the man he was, not the man who hurt me with such disregard.

He shouldn't be driving stinking of booze but then I'm not going to go on about that.

So, his family had a 'welcome to the family' thing for OW and put it on FB and she's still living with her partner who is unaware?? Wow, just wow.

Sadly, our husbands do know the pain we have been through in the past and that makes it worse when they hurt us so heartlessly for their own gratification.

You are a long way off and I know you realise that, but you sound like a different woman. You should be proud of the baby steps you are taking.

MakeMeJumpIntoTheAir Sun 26-Jan-14 22:55:08

Hi Kept, just popping in to see how you are.

keptinthedark Sun 26-Jan-14 23:16:14

sat here with h bathrobe sobbing when he brought dc back i didn't except the cuddle and immediately the atmosphere changed and not in a good way have spent most of the night sending h texts telling him what a waste of space he is how he is selfish and self centered and arrogant and i cannot believe despite all this i still want him back he is killing me slowly and very painfully my heart is in pieces and he does not care

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 26-Jan-14 23:19:51

How was he responding to the texts lovely?

keptinthedark Sun 26-Jan-14 23:24:15

that's the annoying part six texts and not one response from him!! ? so my last text was fine you are ignoring me consider the favour returned!!

MakeMeJumpIntoTheAir Sun 26-Jan-14 23:26:22

Kept, you have just said it. He does not care. You need to let him go and try to have no contact with him. I know you have sent the texts now, but really do try not to communicate, only for your dc's sake. You will get through this, really you will. We all know how you are feeling and we are too, except some of us are a little further down the line from you. I hope you are looking after yourself and making sure you eat something. I was on a banana a day for ages, just so I could go to work without feeling like passing out. Take care.

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 26-Jan-14 23:27:17

Okay kept, can you try not to text him. Trust me, I know how hard it is. Distract yourself, post on here, anything when you feel you are going to. It will drive him nuts that you don't contact him - only about the DCs when absolutely necessary. He's loving all of this chasing and it just leaves you in this state again.

So proud of you for not cuddling him, that was hard but you did it!

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 26-Jan-14 23:28:00

I ate bananas too smile

MakeMeJumpIntoTheAir Sun 26-Jan-14 23:33:27

Kept - this is a good article - it might help

here

keptinthedark Mon 27-Jan-14 09:26:58

am really angry with myself for sending h all those texts and last night looking at them now i see it makes me look like some kind of deranged idiot not what i should be which is to not stoop to his level which is what i did was going to text to apologise but not sure if that's the best idea??

MissScatterbrain Mon 27-Jan-14 09:36:17

The best strategy we find on here is to go no contact.

Contact only to arrange child access, otherwise its radio silence.

handfulofcottonbuds Mon 27-Jan-14 10:05:28

No kept, don't text him again to apologise. Delete the texts and don't berate yourself over them anymore.

No contact is the best for your state of mind, it gives some peace. I used to jump at responding to my H's texts until someone asked me whether any of them had made me happier and I admitted that they didn't as I wasn't getting the responses I wanted.

I have been NC for over a month now and it has helped. I know it's different as you have DCs together but if you can get some kind of structure into that then you will feel better.

Well done again on not hugging him yesterday!

Blondie1969 Mon 27-Jan-14 14:35:34

For a lot of people it does get easier.

From personal experience (as a man) whose ex had an affair i spent a month or so wishing it could all get back to what I had.

But eventuality the reality hit. Why would I want to be back with someone who lied and abused my trust.

I am sure my ex felt very powerful when i was attempting reconciliation and saying we could out her affair(s) behind us. But now i am so glad she did not have me back. For two reasons.
1) If we had have got back together i would never been able to trust her again.
2) I am so much happier now. yes i am disappointed that my children are from parents who now separated. But my children will still have the love from me as their father and should not miss out on things.

There is nothing wrong with crying, sobbing, being depressed. But by the sounds of it you are strong enough to get through this. The people on this site are wonderfully supportive. Confide in your friends and your own family so they understand that they can play a part in putting you back where you should be. Which is having your confidence back and looking forward to what each day brings.

You don't deserve someone to treat you like you've been treated. That would be the only thing worth crying about. But don't cry about someone who thinks so little of you.

he's the one who has messed up not you.

take each day one day at a time. Surround yourself with your friends and people who treat you with the respect you deserve.

I wish i could say every day it gets better but honestly you will have the odd crap day but i would rather have the odd crap day than wondering if other half is out with another person/up to their old tricks again.

best of luck.

keptinthedark Mon 27-Jan-14 20:22:13

having a really really low day today sobbing uncontrollable when will this pain stop

yourehavingalaugh Mon 27-Jan-14 20:44:04

Do you have someone to be with you this evening? You need lots and lots of support at the moment so ask people. Do your friends and family know how much you are struggling? It's hard isn't it?

Joy5 Mon 27-Jan-14 20:49:04

Didn't want to read and not post, you sound so upset, is there someone you could ring? Just so you hear a voice.

Wish i could do something to stop the pain for you, i'm 2 years and a bit on, still have bad times, but having lots of good times too, for the first year i struggled big time, but now as well as working i'm studying too, and doing voluntary work, all to get me a better paid job so i can support our two youngest sons.

Best advice i got, as well as NC, was to concentrate on getting through the next half an hour, then when you've done that, concentrate on getting through the next, and so on, until you've done the next part of the day.

Sending a massive hug, its an awful place to be in, but you will get through it smile xx

keptinthedark Mon 27-Jan-14 21:03:49

family are all getting fed uo with me they say i need to move on as its been a month but if you read through this thread you will see that h actions and words are making this impossible i love him he says he loved me he says he wants to come back but he can't because of what our families and friends would say i think that's hustling an excuse i mean surely its about me and him not everyone else opinions ?? Bernard on the phone to the samaratains they have to listen yo ny rambling and wailing

keptinthedark Mon 27-Jan-14 21:11:34

family are all getting fed uo with me they say i need to move on as its been a month but if you read through this thread you will see that h actions and words are making this impossible i love him he says he loved me he says he wants to come back but he can't because of what our families and friends would say i think that's hustling an excuse i mean surely its about me and him not everyone else opinions ?? Bernard on the phone to the samaratains they have to listen yo ny rambling and wailing

MissScatterbrain Mon 27-Jan-14 21:34:11

The impact of H's actions and words on you is precisely why you must go no contact.

Stop engaging with him. Do not reply to texts, calls etc unless its about child access.

Handovers to take place on the doorstep. Don't let him in.

keptinthedark Tue 28-Jan-14 08:29:45

am sat waiting for h to pick dcs up and take them to school i feel sick now he hss side no more cuddles cos he feels it id cheating on ow but he is my husband she is the cheat everytime i see him it breaks my heart a little bit more i want him to realise what a prat he is being and come home where he bbelongs with his family crying again must stop before he arrives

Joy5 Tue 28-Jan-14 09:44:01

Well done on ringing the samaritans, don't worry about rambling and wailing, thats what they are for, to get everything off your chest.

Hope ex has picked up the dcs for you, and you've got something planned for today until they come home again.

You'll feel better yourself if you don't let him see you as a wreck, put some make up on and act normal when he comes to collect. As MNS say, fake it till you make it! However hard it is at the time, later you'll feel so much better you acted that way. Believe me, i've been there and got the t shirt, no how hard it is, but know how good i feel now, that i mostly didn't let him see me in a state.

Me deciding to go NC was the best thing i ever did in ways to help me. xx

handfulofcottonbuds Tue 28-Jan-14 12:43:08

kept, how are you now?

joy5 is right, I couldn't see it myself at the time either but a bit of make up and a new outfit when he comes will make you feel so much better.

When are you due back to work?

TinselTownley Tue 28-Jan-14 13:17:10

kept'- this was the pattern in my relationship. We went through the whole idealise, devalue, discard thing three times. Every time, I fell apart. I felt I simply couldn't function without him. It was like a physical need. Just at the point I got stronger, he came back and clawed his way back in.

Only the last time did I have reservations, I wanted to see how things went. To be with him but not live with him. He then threatened to leave me totally if he couldn't move back in.

I wish, wish, wish I had stood my ground but I didn't. I signed straight back up for three more years of pain and unbearable abuse.

I honestly believe that, had I have gone NC that time, I would have come through the pain and out the other side.

It doesn't matter what you have to do to achieve it or how many times you have to call the Samaritans (it's what they're there for), I really think you should give it a go.

As Joy says, put on your armour when he comes over. You can do this. Little steps. Big changes.

keptinthedark Tue 28-Jan-14 14:55:10

h collected the dcs but i did not let him over the doorstep got ambushed into lunch in a cafe by a friend today first time i have been out since h left it was strange ended up in tears as saw some people who did not know ....

mrsmciver Tue 28-Jan-14 16:41:23

Good. You have stood your ground! You did not let him over the doorstep, it is a start.
And you were out for lunch today with a friend, that is progress. Baby steps, that is all that is needed for now just baby steps.

Whatever you do, do not let him see you a sobbing broken mess. Put on your face, do your hair, it will make you feel more in control.

handfulofcottonbuds Tue 28-Jan-14 17:49:46

Even though you cried through lunch (it's always hard telling people), you did it, you went out and spent time with a friend, that's little steps and you did it.

Plus - not letting him in the house! You are doing really well. The ADs will start working soon and they will help you.

Maybe ask a friend to tell a few people so you don't have to if you see them.

When are you due back to work?

keptinthedark Tue 28-Jan-14 19:03:44

am still signed off sick cannot go back to my job as it means getting a sitter for the dcs at four am h has offered to come each day at seven to take the youngest dcs to school so i can go back but i don't want him in my house every day think that would kill me so work looking to change my hours if not then will have to try and get another job have to work or will lose the blinking house

mrsmciver Tue 28-Jan-14 21:27:47

Do you know, I think I hear some anger creeping into your posts. And that is what will keep you going. Once you get some anger in you it will give you more strength.
Can you get a relative to stay over at night to watch the children while you go to work and eventually get strong enough to look for another job if you can't change your hours? Any family who is retired but would be able to watch them for a few hours before they go to school?
It would be far better for you to keep away from your h as it will help you to get stronger.

Blondie1969 Tue 28-Jan-14 21:28:47

Family are not being helpful! "Move on after a month"!!!

who is your closest/oldest friend? Person who has been there for you through thick and thin.

You need someone to let you cry/be a shoulder to cry on. Someone who can reinforce what the people (friends you've never met) on this site are saying with regards to trying to help you stay strong and positive. I was very lucky that a few close friends got me through the initial couple of months. Not everyone is as lucky to have the friends i have (my family were crap).

stay focused and strong. And if one of your friends asks how you are "dont say ok" if you are feeling like crap. If they are real friends they want you to tell them the truth.

If you have a circle of close friends maybe invite them round on different evenings just for a coffee. Dont be afraid to tell them how you feel and that you need their support.

How many people on mumsnet keep logging in and supporting people because even though they have moved on and life has got better they still remember those initial days and what got them through it.

The women (and occasional men) will help you through this and will not let you take this journey alone.

Stay strong

keptinthedark Tue 28-Jan-14 22:37:07

help h said he wants to do a two year separation then get divorced but should i divorce him now on grounds of his adulrty ?? cos the first motion leaves the door open for him to come back but the second option would give him a much needed dose of reality help??

olathelawyer05 Tue 28-Jan-14 22:56:52

If the family's finances are largely in his hands, 2 years is a long time to do all sorts of lovely things with money (I know that's what I would do in the situation - just saying). Particularly given that when you finally get to make financial disclosure for bank accounts etc, this usually only goes back one year....might be relevant, might not be...just a thought.

handfulofcottonbuds Tue 28-Jan-14 23:27:13

Sweetie, my H talked non stop for 2 months about divorcing me! When I got stronger, he said there is no rush getting a divorce and we could talk about it in time. I told him that divorce wasn't his decision - it was mine!

Sounds like your H is trying to leave the door open - sod him. I know you want him back but really? After what he's done twice and possibly all the way through your relationship? He has continued to be nasty and act like he has the upper hand. Actually, you are the one with the upper hand.

No hurry to make any decisions at all. Take your time, get yourself better, sort out your work hours, do what you need to do. Oh, and leave him on the doorstep.

I know you're still so upset but you are getting stronger. You even refer to him as 'h' rather than 'dh'. Your posts are questioning rather than just talking about how you can't go on without him.

Be proud of yourself - baby steps x

keptinthedark Wed 29-Jan-14 10:27:23

so help divorce now or later?? what is the best option??

MissScatterbrain Wed 29-Jan-14 10:31:01

There are pros and cons for each option - rushing into a divorce when you are still trying to get your head together isn't advised but you can begin proceedings and these can take as long as needed.

Remember YOU get to decide not him.

handfulofcottonbuds Wed 29-Jan-14 12:19:46

Have you seen a solicitor for advice?

keptinthedark Wed 29-Jan-14 16:45:44

no have not seen solicitor yet seems to final still believe that in a minute he is going to realise his mistakes and come back to me i know that sounds pathetic and unlikely looking at the current situation but it truly is my only reason other than my dcs for not doing away with myself and making the pain go away i am trying to be strong but my love for him is not diminishing if anything it gets stronger the longer we are separated

handfulofcottonbuds Wed 29-Jan-14 16:55:22

I was like that too, it's completely natural. That to me says you are not ready to start divorce yet. I never thought I would be ready until something just clicked.

I used to want my H to say he'd made a terrible mistake and come back to me and then I would work so hard to make him never want to leave me again. Then I got to the point where I dreamt of him begging me to take him back just so I could tell him to jog on. Now - I am looking after myself and my DS and I don't care what my H does as long as my future is secure.

I'm not saying I won't have times like that again as I'm not entering into divorce lightly but today, that's how I feel.

Try and get some strength back first, you did so well going for lunch with your friend, can you do something like that even twice a week or have someone come and chat to you in the evening? I looked an absolute state and howled like I've never done before but friends and family understood.

keptinthedark Wed 29-Jan-14 21:22:49

another rough bad day hit rock bottom again feeling lost and very alone been at a friends nearly all day sobbing i look terrible why would he want a blubbering mess like me i don't even like me!! want it all over now this feels like a slow and very painful death sentence can see no light he is my light and he has gone yes i know i have the dcs but i never intended to be bringing them uo alone it is our job to do it together as a family unit i have to win him back no matter what it takes i just have to

mrsmciver Wed 29-Jan-14 21:52:31

No actually, you don't have to win him back. And yes it does feel like a slow painful death. Have been where you have been and am still going through a rotten time at present as many of us on here are.
But the truth is kept is that your h is no good. He has lied, cheated and played mind games with you. He has been keeping you dangling for the next morsel that he decided to throw you. Do you honestly think any of us on here have not felt like you feel? That there is no future, that we want to curl up and die? That we haven't prayed every bloody night to be taken in our sleep so that we don't have to face another day?
The continual terror about what is going to happen?

I do not want to be cruel here and I do feel for you I genuinely do but you are going to have to pull yourself together in some way now. Pull your shoulders back and get angry with that awful man. He does not deserve you, and your children do not deserve this either. Get angry, how dare he do this to you and your children? How dare he?

You have to stop this for your children's sake. It is not fair on them. You have to get it together for them. How terrified must they be to see you like this? their father has left and their mother is falling apart! You have to get the strength from somewhere. You have to.

TinselTownley Wed 29-Jan-14 22:08:47

Are you getting out at all OP? I don't necessarily mean socially, just - literally - outside? I have, when at my lowest, found that just the act of putting one foot in front of the other and walking (outside the home, away from work) just a little way with the elements and signs of life about me did help. Not always immediately. But it is a small act of decisiveness and independence. An achievable act that goes a tiny way to affirming both one's importance and smallness in a big wide world without the need for anyone else. It doesn't matter if you're thinking about him while you walk. That you can walk is a sign of life in itself. No 50 mile treks required. Just a short hop round the block?

mrsmciver Wed 29-Jan-14 23:09:24

That is good advice from Tinsel.
I found when I was at my very lowest, I had to go out. Do anything. I couldn't even go out on my own, I was such a heaving sobbing mess but I forced myself to go out with friends, family. Even a little walk. I would be holding onto whoever I was with for dear life, I wouldn't let them go! I needed the close contact of a loved one. and I am sure I have told you before but I was sitting having a coffee with a good friend in a well known coffee shop and holding hands with them! god only knows what people thought but at that point I couldn't have cared less and because my friend knew how devastated I was she didn't care either.
It is a matter of forcing yourself. Get out a little and blow the cobwebs away. Good for the soul. I couldn't believe how the world could still be going on....but it does, the world is still turning, life still goes on, it will surprise you and you will be upset that life should still be going on when your heart is in shreds but it does, and your life will too. Not the life you wanted or the life you imagined but your life nonetheless and maybe even a better one.

keptinthedark Wed 29-Jan-14 23:14:18

am just going through the motions not living just existing seeing life through a continual veil of tears i know i should hate him and i know no one can understand why i dont never will i LOVE HIM and that will not change as long as their is breath in my body and he knows that which is why he is doing what he is doing knowing my love for him is eternal

mrsmciver Wed 29-Jan-14 23:25:13

What? You think none of us loved our husbands? I was with mine for 32 years. Since I was 15 years old. Never looked at another man in that way. I have only ever been with one man and we did everything together. There were some days that I honestly thought I would die of heartbreak if I never saw him or touched him or even smelled him. I was bereft, devastated, suicidal. Some days I am still like that with all that is going on. But I have to now try and hold it together for my children and grandchild. I have to keep angry to fight him now because he has behaved very badly and he is not the man I thought he was.
You have to wake up kept and see your h as he really is.

mrsmciver Wed 29-Jan-14 23:27:52

There are a lot of us going through the motions kept.

mrsmciver Wed 29-Jan-14 23:31:18

We can only try to advise and help you if you help yourself. x

Blondie1969 Thu 30-Jan-14 09:09:39

Your love is not eternal. Not when someone treats you like they have. At some point you will meet someone who shows you what real love is and what real respect is.

Getting out of the house is a must. I went running every day (actually it may have been a fast walk) but it was 40 mins that got me fresh air. do you have a friend with a dog (meet up and take the dog for a walk).

A separation/divorce is like a death and there are stages to go through.
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

It is normal to flick through and some people stay in one stage longer than others.
Sounds like you are in the bargaining (you will do anything to have him back) and depression (tears and sadness).

It can be difficult to get to acceptance and once there you may still look back every now and then and think how would life have been if you had stayed together. But i know in my case all i would have been doing is postponing the unavoidable.

My mum died a couple of years before i separated. She had three months notice (terminal cancer). For two of those months my dad and i were in the denial phase. If i could turn the clock back i would have made better use of those first two months.

Now crying is OK. I'll admit i have cried during the early stages of separation but what deep down are you are crying about?

is it the fact marriage is over (denial/anger or depression phase) OR can you maybe cry because you married the wrong person (they did not turn out to be the person you thought they were - Acceptance phase)

There is not a magic pill to make this all better. talking with friends helps. What about rearranging stuff in the house (put TV in different corner/move furniture), sort cupboards out and get rid of things you don't need. Put a picture of mantelpiece of you looking stunning (not with ex in it!!).

Keep going.

ageofgrandillusion Thu 30-Jan-14 09:20:42

Kept, seriously love, get a grip and have some pride and self respect.

TinselTownley Thu 30-Jan-14 09:32:53

Sage words Blondie. The tiny little changes to the routine you shared are where the big evolutions start. Moving a chair, sitting in 'his' spaces, getting up and showered 5 minutes before or after you used to.

Also, do no mistake grief for love. If he returned, the grief will still have happened. While you might see an immediate cessation to the pain, the process has already begun. You will not be loving a man but a homunculus seen together from your memory and wishes. It is not real.

TinselTownley Thu 30-Jan-14 09:35:09

Sewn together. Not seen. throttles the memory of Jobs

Joy5 Thu 30-Jan-14 14:02:54

Blondie1969 is right, divorce and separation are so similar, and i can say that as the mother of a son who died 3 years before my ex walked out.

You go from one stage to the next, and round in circles over and over, but you do move on finally. It takes time, and 2 years later i'm still having bad moments, but think thats mostly because finances are being sorted through the family courts and i'm self repping.

Not seeing a way out is a stage you have to go through, now i miss my ex, i miss everything about him, but thats who he was, he isn't that person any more. I saw a side to him in the last few months we were together i'd never seen in over 25 years of knowing him. Think he actually did me a favour, he destroyed any love i had for him. Since then the anger and threats, through solicitors in the last year or so have made sure i could never take him back. How could I ever let him live with our two surviving sons again, risking the way he bahaved in our family home those last few months.

Kept you might be struggling at the moment, but lots of us have been there in exactly the same boat, all the tips above do help loads. Sending you a hug, its a horrible position to be in, and i wouldn't wish it on anyone. x

keptinthedark Thu 30-Jan-14 15:40:12

so saw h today and he said are you saying you would never have me back then? i replied not if you were the last man on earth to which he just laughed smiled and walked away blowing me a kiss as he went what the hell is he playing at now ???

neiljames77 Thu 30-Jan-14 15:45:46

He knows for a fact that you didn't mean it and was being a cocky little shit. I know you won't like me saying it because I know you've got feelings for him but the bloke's a wanker.

Blondie1969 Thu 30-Jan-14 17:26:40

Your ex is a wanker. he thinks he's in control and has a hold over you. Do not let him do that.

I repeat don't let him do that. You need to respect yourself more than he is doing.

You need to show him how you have moved on. is there any of his stuff in the house ie books, clothes. Box them up and give them to him next time he comes round. I guarantee he will not smile then.

See a solicitor and understand where you stand financially. You should be able to get initial advice for free.

You start taking control of what's happening and what your future will bring.

You do not deserve that level of treatment. The sooner you understand he is manipulating you the better. I am sorry to be blunt.

people on here are rooting for you and have been in similar positions and want you to come out of this OK.

If your best friends partner/husband treated them like that would you encourage them to take husband/partner back or would you offer them all the support they needed to make that break?

handfulofcottonbuds Thu 30-Jan-14 17:27:14

Joy5 - so sorry to hear your story but you sound like a very strong lady and your ex has lost a gem.

kept - it's all a game to him, stand firm. Don't text him and don't change your stance, he'll get the message when he sees you're not going to cave in. Hope you didn't cuddle him....

Joy5 Thu 30-Jan-14 18:23:30

Handfulofcottonbuds thank you, and i'm sure he has.

kept it is a game to him, and one he thinks hes controlling. Don't spend too much time trying to work out what hes up to, you'll never work it out. Hes not thinking like you, hes just thinking of himself. Handfulofcottonbuds is right, stand firm. In a few months time you'll be so glad you have. Know thats not much consolation at the moment, but one day you'll be glad. Let him wonder what you're up to for a change.

MissScatterbrain Thu 30-Jan-14 19:02:06

Urgh, what an arrogant and entitled wanker, so full of himself. His ego must be so inflated to think he really does have you at his disposal.

Prove him wrong by showing you are moving on - no more tears in front of him and start looking after yourself, haircut, clothes, make up etc. Pack up his stuff in bin bags if you havent done so already.

mrsmciver Thu 30-Jan-14 19:55:55

Remember kept this man has seen the state you are in and he walks away laughing and smiling? That is a very cruel and nasty thing to do. His wife is suffering and so will his children be. And he is laughing? What an absolute pig he is to do that.

keptinthedark Thu 30-Jan-14 21:52:59

i am trying very hard to show him i am strong no more cuddles no over the doorstep no contact apart from dcs and boxed up his books and remaining clothes but he knows i love him and want him back he knows i am lying he knows me too well i am fighting a losing battle he has won the war!! cannot change the tide in my favour at all

handfulofcottonbuds Thu 30-Jan-14 21:58:53

You can kept, you can and you are!

Be proud of your progress lovely. He doesn't deserve you or your unrequited love.

Can you see a solicitor? Just get the financial stuff straight in your head.

Proud of you for bagging his stuff up - do you think it's time to let the dressing gown go??

sus14 Thu 30-Jan-14 22:04:01

I was where you are ten years ago- although much easier as I had no children, my ex left me for a friend of
Mine, and I moved out as he could buy me out and she
Moved in the next day. I thought I couldn't cope, I would cry at work and tell friends I can't cope I can't
Cope, but they said - you are though, you are coping. My mum said- every day will be that tiny tiny bit easier. I used to feel waves of pain that I just had to get through.

But they were all right. It does get better intime. You need to help time pass. Your dcs love you unconditionally like no man can and they are all you need. Focus on making them
Happy x x x

keptinthedark Thu 30-Jan-14 22:13:17

no handful definitely not ready to let go of the both robe yet i cuddle into it sobbing myself to sleep every night telling myself he will be home soon then i roll into the cold patch where he should be to snuggle with at four in the morning and wake with a start and so the whole sobbing uncontrollably begins again the love feels like it is getting stronger not diminishing at all i must just wait for him to realise the mistake he has made once hisnew relationship has run its course

keptinthedark Thu 30-Jan-14 22:21:47

no handful definitely not ready to let go of the both robe yet i cuddle into it sobbing myself to sleep every night telling myself he will be home soon then i roll into the cold patch where he should be to snuggle with at four in the morning and wake with a start and so the whole sobbing uncontrollably begins again the love feels like it is getting stronger not diminishing at all i must just wait for him to realise
uthe mistake he has made once hisnew relatiopnship has run its course

keptinthedark Thu 30-Jan-14 22:25:24

no handful definitely not ready to let go of the both robe yet i cuddle into it sobbing myself to sleep every night telling myself he will be home soon then i roll into the cold patch where he should be to snuggle with at four in the morning and wake with a start and so the whole sobbing uncontrollably begins again the love feels like it is getting stronger not diminishing at all i must just wait for him to realise
th e mistake he has made once his new relatiopnship has run its course

mrsmciver Thu 30-Jan-14 22:39:35

Oh kept. Are you sitting every night by yourself? Who is there with you? Who is looking after the children? Are you able to make their dinner, do laundry etc? Are you able to do some things during the day?
Just concerned that is all. Wish I could say something to help you. x

keptinthedark Thu 30-Jan-14 22:46:46

oldest dc goes to bed at ten so on my own then i have maintained the house the housework and all the kids activities the days are very busy it is the nights that are killing me my mind is on overdrive its non stop i phone the samaratains most nights tests how bad it gets the point of pure desperation and its getting worse not better

handfulofcottonbuds Thu 30-Jan-14 22:54:13

I think you need to go back to your doctor sweetie x

keptinthedark Thu 30-Jan-14 23:08:21

doctor says i am on max dose of ads he will not give me sleeping pills cos i took the od the week h left and i can honestly say that thought still crosses my mind regularly so he is probably right don't know what else i can do to get h out of my head and stop his actions having such a bad affect on me he is calling all the shots and holding all the cards its not fair i want to sort things out but he keeps changing his mind

handfulofcottonbuds Thu 30-Jan-14 23:12:46

You can call the shots. This isn't a game, this is your life and your DCs life.

You need counselling, no waiting list, you are an urgent case. If your GP is not moving things on is there another GP in the surgery you can see. You just need a helping hand sweetie. You will get there, believe in yourself x

keptinthedark Thu 30-Jan-14 23:26:03

havbeen to three counselling sessions just cried right through them all its not helping if anything talking about h and our marriage is just making it worse i am beyond help it would seem

handfulofcottonbuds Thu 30-Jan-14 23:27:12

You're not beyond help, you just need to find the right thing that works for you.

Would it help if we on MN gave you a to-do list?

keptinthedark Thu 30-Jan-14 23:38:32

maybe it may do can you also arrange a hit man to blow ow head off!!! i think i am going to have to do it myself in a minute i need her out of our lives she has no right to be here he would see the error of his ways if she would just f off

handfulofcottonbuds Thu 30-Jan-14 23:41:46

I understand your anger but really, she is not the person to be focussing on. Sadly if it wasn't her, it would be someone else. He's in the wrong and you need to focus on you.

handfulofcottonbuds Thu 30-Jan-14 23:42:09

You made me laugh by the way kept grin

keptinthedark Thu 30-Jan-14 23:51:54

you say ow is not at fault but she knew he was married he had a picture of me and the children on his desk for gods sake this is the third younger man she has started a relationship with in the last ten years she works wt head office and goes all around the country to different branches like some kind of predatory cougar stupid evil twisted s###

handfulofcottonbuds Thu 30-Jan-14 23:57:36

I know, it is the same for my H's OW. BUT - the OW has no loyalty to you or your DCs - your H has and he has defiled your vows, not her.

Be angry with her by all means but she is not the problem here. Your H has done this, she was just there and trust me, if it wasn't her it would be someone else. Some woman have no morals but your H has done this, he didn't need to act on it.

keptinthedark Thu 30-Jan-14 23:59:49

i out on loads of weight i was tired and grumpy all the time i drove him to it but i can put it right if he would only give me the chance

handfulofcottonbuds Fri 31-Jan-14 00:06:36

You will not get better while you believe that kept. You did not drive him to it!!

He is a weak selfish man who took what was offered to him to boost his stupid ego.

Can you try and get some sleep - today is a bad day for you.

keptinthedark Fri 31-Jan-14 00:10:54

am currently hitting the vodka and smoking too many cigarettes .......i gave up over a year ago but started again last week and am hoping the vodka may help me sleep nothing else is working

handfulofcottonbuds Fri 31-Jan-14 00:16:34

Smoking is fine, you had the willpower to give up before and you will again - just shows how strong you can be. Giving up smoking is one of the hardest addictions to kick - been there.

Try and go easy on the vodka, it can be a depressive.

Can you check the internet and get the Paul McKenna book, 'I can mend your broken heart'? If nothing else, the CD will really help you relax and get to sleep.

TinselTownley Fri 31-Jan-14 00:26:28

The vodka wont help at all at this stage and you shouldn't drink on ADs. Nor will playing Whac-a-mole with the first OW of plenty.

I do have first hand experience of the very raw, passionate pain you are feeling but I am worried that you are not putting your children first.

What happens to them if you drink yourself into oblivion while he's off with a serial home-wrecker?

I am yet to meet a woman who loves ANY man more than she loves her children but, frankly, you're demonstrating worrying signs.

I am so sorry he's a cnut but you need to woman up and look after your babies.

keptinthedark Fri 31-Jan-14 00:35:08

i am looking after my dcs if it wasn't for them i wouldn't be here now i am not getting paralytic just trying to take the edge off of things and actually get some much needed sleep

MissScatterbrain Fri 31-Jan-14 08:10:48

This man has cheated before with different OW - is she to blame too for not keeping his dick in his pants?!

Please do get a grip - make a list of things to do eg see a solicitor, contact tax credits and sort your council tax. I would also go back to the Dr for more help.

ageofgrandillusion Fri 31-Jan-14 08:19:27

I dont blame you having a drink at night OP - one or two wont do any harm.
You do need to get your H off this pedestal you have him on. You seem think he is a good catch but he sounds pretty pathetic from what you have described. He aint coming back, and even if he did he will do this again, so you need to just start moving on and focusing on your children.

keptinthedark Fri 31-Jan-14 08:23:06

i have done solicitor council tax and tax credits and the dcs now getting free school meals i texted h last night and told him i want all his mountain of fishing gear removed from the garage why should i store it for free?? maybe it my make him think about the good family life he is abandoning for a weekend shag with s@@@ he seems to be living in a fantasy world at the moment nite looking at reality avoiding speaking to any if our friends as he knows they won't condone his actions unlike his family who wt patting him on the back!!!

MissScatterbrain Fri 31-Jan-14 08:49:09

ok have you booked a hair cut? planned an outing with the DC for the weekend?

Blondie1969 Fri 31-Jan-14 09:30:45

"kept" - Morning. Please do not think you have driven your ex to the OW. You didn't. He is a grown man who made his own choices. The choice he made to betray you, betray your children, lie to you all was his. So you put on some weight. So what. as you get older you may get some wrinkles, your hair may go greyer. Does that give ex the excuse in twenty years time for him to say i'm going to have an affair as the person i married did not have wrinkes.

You made a choice to be together over a period of time to grow old together. Stop making excuses of what you have done to have caused this.

The reality as harsh as it sounds is your ex is not a nice person.

Crying, drinking, smoking are all things that many of us have gone through. Things like drinking may suppress feelings, block pain or temprarily forget the situation we are in but you know deep down that you will not be wanting to be drinking vodka every night as thats not an example you want to set to your children.

Smoking - i had given up for four years and started again. And every week i am trying to smoke less.

Crying - You still seem to think that if your ex came back everything would get back to normal. Be honest if someone else was putting the messages on this forum that you are would you be telling them to have ex back.
Your life will get better with this man out of your life. Not immediately but every day is day towards a time when you will be happier.

Don't bottle feelings in.

Try and be positive as tough as it may be. Every day try and think of something that you have done to cut ex loose. ie asking to collect fishing stuff.

Is there food that ex hates and you or children like? If there is have it for tea over weekend.

Lets start working on the robe. Does it have a belt? If it does put that bit in bin. or cut it up and put in bin. Or put in with fishing gear. Or come up with something else to do with it that will make us laugh.

keptinthedark Fri 31-Jan-14 16:11:24

another weekend is looming h has one dc tomorrow and one dc Sunday for two hours each ow has turned up in our home town stupid s@@@ went to go round and punch her silly old t@@@ but i will look deranged if i do that won't i??

MissScatterbrain Fri 31-Jan-14 16:39:35

You need to re direct some of that anger to your ex - he CHOSE to leave you. No one forced him.

You really need to start planning and doing nice things for yourself and the DC - this will boost your self esteem and stop you from thinking too much about the ex and OW.

I am going to have to leave this thread as I don't feel that what I am saying is helping. You don't seem to be taking anything in and you seem to need the kind of help that we cannot offer sad

PatriciaHolm Fri 31-Jan-14 17:12:07

You won't just look deranged, you'll get arrested and confirm what's he's no doubt been telling her and his family about you being a dangerous loon.

If it wasn't her, it would be another woman. And always will be. He doesn't love you, he loves the power he has over you. He likes the idea of keeping you all on little strings, playing his game. He's vile and deserves no more of your headspace.

Please please try to disengage as much as you can. Can someone else be there to do handovers for a bit so you don't have to see him at all?

MissScatterbrain Fri 31-Jan-14 17:26:55

(and I hope you were joking about attacking OW confused )

keptinthedark Fri 31-Jan-14 19:27:58

truly sorry if any of you feel that i am not reading your comments i wm and believe me they have Bernard of great comfort to me especially at night i know that i am finding it impossible to move on yrs i am trying but to no avail so to any of you that i have offended i am sorry x

neiljames77 Fri 31-Jan-14 19:35:34

You've not offended anyone kept, people who have been where you are now are just desperate to help you and want you to get over the first hurdle, which is to accept that your husband is an oxygen thief, who is no good for you and your kids.

Who's Bernard?

MissScatterbrain Fri 31-Jan-14 19:51:24

You haven'r offended me...its just that you need a lot of help and I feel that I am not being helpful to you.

keptinthedark Fri 31-Jan-14 20:00:31

sorry should say been

handfulofcottonbuds Fri 31-Jan-14 20:03:23

Neil - think she meant 'been', predictive text and all that.

kept - I do think you need proper support. As missscatter says, you haven't offended anyone. You do seem stronger than in your last thread, I can see that.

The night times are tough and I think that's where your posts seem confusing and seem like you haven't moved forward - could also be the vodka at times.

You have done well to sort out Council Tax etc, baby steps are okay, it's still very raw for you.

IMO, you need to try and stop concentrating on OW, it will destroy you. Yes, she has done wrong but it's your H who has done this.

Can you try and push OW out of your head when she comes into it? She deserves none of your time.

keptinthedark Sat 01-Feb-14 00:42:26

thank you i am trying but i feel destroyed i am still reeling from his betrayal of everything we had together i cannot comprehend how this has happened and i need to figure out how i can naked things right

keptinthedark Sat 01-Feb-14 00:42:55

make things right

TinselTownley Sat 01-Feb-14 00:52:19

It's not your responsibility to make things right. With respect, he just sounds like a total waste of time and energy.

Did you pick his clothes and tie his laces for him too?

mrsmciver Sat 01-Feb-14 00:56:12

You can make things right by concentrating on yourself and your children's future. By trying to give your h as little head space as possible. Keep thinking of how badly he has treated you(that's what I do when I start to get all maudlin) and that way some anger will come and it will be the anger that will give you the strength to carry on.

keptinthedark Sat 01-Feb-14 01:12:33

yes tinsel i did everything for him i used to wait up till eleven at night to cook his tea then get up wt four am to go to work i devoted my whole life to making him and our dcs lives easy and comfortable but obviously it wasn't enough for him

PatriciaHolm Sat 01-Feb-14 01:12:56

You can't make things right, because nothing you did was wrong. You don't seem to get that, really. He fucked up, you didn't. Nothing you did. He's the turd because he is. And he always will be.

keptinthedark Sat 01-Feb-14 09:53:26

h is due ion half an hour to collect youngest dc am going to not let him over the doorstep and definately no cuddles although that is killing me cos I just want to be near him I am so sad

Joy5 Sat 01-Feb-14 10:55:24

kept
Hope u managed to stick to the arrangement, it can't have been easy, but you're getting there, just leave him to his own mess he created, and concentrate on you and your children. If hes collecting the youngest hope you've got the eldest to keep you company.

Know what its like to be left alone, not good. smile

keptinthedark Sat 01-Feb-14 17:14:32

yes I stuck to the arrangement ie kids on the doorstep and no hugging although the later part is killing me as I miss him like mad he has bought back dc now and dc is disgruntled as he did not buy him a treat like he did last week and promised to do he said he had no money but he is wearing a three hundred pound watch to replace the one I bought him as a wedding present which has the date of the wedding engraved on the back!! so already he is letting the dcs down on his promises

handfulofcottonbuds Sat 01-Feb-14 17:17:01

He's horrible really isn't he?! Your poor DCs.

Did he tell you how much the watch cost?

Well done on the not hugging and the doorstep handover.

keptinthedark Sat 01-Feb-14 17:26:50

he did not tell me how much the watch cost but it does not look cheap around three hundred quid I would say I have told him to give me back the watch and also his eight hundred pound wedding ring he stopped wearing last week but he is refusing

handfulofcottonbuds Sat 01-Feb-14 17:32:06

Legally, they were gifts so he doesn't have to give them back. If/when you do start to sort out finances though, anything over £500 is an asset so he will have to declare the ring at least.

What are your plans for the weekend?

keptinthedark Sat 01-Feb-14 22:06:49

sat here sobbing five weeks ago i had the perfect family the perfect life planning our annual two weeks in the sun and now it has all been torn apart don't feel that life is going to be ok ever again i want it back so badly it hurts

handfulofcottonbuds Sat 01-Feb-14 23:52:41

kept - 5 weeks ago you believed you had the perfect life but you didn't I'm afraid. Your H had already checked out of it and has been nasty ever since.

2 weeks in the sun will come again when you feel stronger. The most important thing is that you have your DCs and you have your health.

Please can you see your GP again?

I promise you, life will be okay again, different, but it will be okay. I never thought it could be again but it does get better.

Are you taking your ADs at the same time each day? What strength are you on?

keptinthedark Sun 02-Feb-14 00:14:55

i want ti believe you i really do but the days are int so dark and the nights even darker i am on double strength ads now as so doc on Thursday i have just gone out in the pouring rain and sat in my car looking up at the bedroom theyare in together knowing what they are doing i know i sound mad and crazy but that's what this is doing to me!!

PatriciaHolm Mon 03-Feb-14 10:02:17

Right, well the ADs will take a couple of weeks to kick in, but hopefully they will help.

please don't go sitting outside his house. That way stalkerdom lies, and that is a whole heap of trouble you don't need. Were the children at home alone when you went out?

keptinthedark Mon 03-Feb-14 11:05:00

yes asleep oldest is 16 though

keptinthedark Mon 03-Feb-14 21:47:21

middle dc left her phone in h car yesterday so he turned up tonight with it right on bathtime so i let him bath the two youngest dcs and tuck them into bed i stayed out iof the way the dcs loved it but it killed me it was just like he was still here he went to hug me goodbye but i pulled away that also killed me. has anyone on here ever got back with their h after an affair?? if so how long were you apart wn did it ever work ? people we telling me to move on but in my head i know we have unfinished business and i can't

tm1957 Mon 03-Feb-14 22:16:11

It is very early to expect you to move on. But you will. I was dropped the bombshell a year ago. 25th January 2013. I forgave h 3x. And 3x he crapped on me again. It has been a very very long year. A long haul. I have done everything, EVERYTHING, I can to make things right. Nothing, but nothing will change. All the lies, betrayal, broken vows, no forgiveness will make you forget. But you will in time move on. I only saw a solicitor last week. Now the ball is rolling I kind of feel empowered. Do not entertain any feelings for the OW. In fact, feel NOTHING for her, for that is what she is. NOTHING to you. If you find yourself thinking of the bint, flick your shoulder, she'll be gone for a minute or so and you can focus on better things. Do see a counsellor. I have been seeing mine since August last year and my session with her last week was the first one in which I didn't cry. I am seeing her tomorrow and I may cry. Everything everyone has posted here has made sense to me. I have lots to do in the house to 'clean' it of him but I will (love the perfume on the clothes btw!!!). I haven't taken a bath since I was pregnant 17 years ago, but intend to buy some bubbles tomorrow and do that too.
Everything said on posts here are true and make sense. You will see that but it takes time. YOUR time. Not his.

tm1957 Mon 03-Feb-14 22:32:38

Oh, and on a lighter note, when you decide to pack his fishing gear away for him, be sure to pack in some stinky fish for him in the gear.

keptinthedark Thu 06-Feb-14 21:26:43

told h i was going to file for divorce and name ow and he has turned really evil saying if i love him i wouldn't do that

handfulofcottonbuds Thu 06-Feb-14 22:52:18

Have you seen a solicitor yet?

Just a bit of advice, if you do file under adultery and name OW then she can defend the divorce and make it very complicated. You're better off not mentioning her.

Do you feel stronger this week?

tm1957 Thu 06-Feb-14 22:55:19

I was just going to post exactly that Cotton. I have just filed this week under adultery WITHOUT citing ow as she can defend and then costs just rise and I certainly won't be paying anything out for that bint.

handfulofcottonbuds Thu 06-Feb-14 23:08:30

tm1957 - I have done the same today! I hope you're okay?

kept - I would say that if you don't intend to divorce your H just yet, don't threaten it. I am 5 months down the line and although I have been hurting so much, I never once said I was going to divorce him. I needed to know that I was 100% certain that was what I intended to do. He will get the papers tomorrow.

I have always had it in my mind all the way through this terrible time to maintain my dignity, that is power - not over him or his OW - but for me.

It's hard, I know and so do many other women on here, but only say things you mean lovely.

talullah57 Thu 06-Feb-14 23:23:33

I am up and down cotton tbh. It is now a year on and I'm tired. Read a lot of posts here but don't post much myself. Have learnt alot in mn in only a couple of days. The rollercoaster of emotions is huge and fast. I've been to hell and back in past year and have frankly been alone for past 12 or so years. This has all happened on my doorstep which is the hardest. I'll get through it. Just wish I was somewhere else geographically.

keptinthedark Thu 06-Feb-14 23:26:04

didn't mean a word of it wanted to see his reaction which was not what i wanted he just got angry and said but we agreed on two year separation i wanted him to say it was to final but he didn't just got worked up about me mentioning naming ow said she wouldn't like it like i give a damn about her!!!

keptinthedark Sat 08-Feb-14 22:34:53

so h calls me and says that he is worried about the fact that i am still so upset wtf does he expect he says he values me as a friend and wants me to find someone else and be happy again wtf does he expect!!??!!

handfulofcottonbuds Mon 10-Feb-14 23:39:20

How are you doing kept?

Can you update?

keptinthedark Tue 11-Feb-14 12:04:32

not good i am afraid to say still cannot except its really over h has got kids for first time overnight on Saturday maybe i should go out? don't think i am ready though just wish i could make him see his made a big mistake abduction for him to come home where he belongs

handfulofcottonbuds Tue 11-Feb-14 12:59:29

Did you manage to rearrange your working hours yet? I do think that if you're still off work then you have an awful lot of time to think about him and not any distractions from those thoughts.

How about you contact that friend who you went to lunch with a couple of weeks ago and meet for lunch again? Just something different to the same torturous routine.

Do you think your ADs are working now?

keptinthedark Tue 11-Feb-14 22:25:13

still signed off work are looking to change my hours but no luck yet .....h sent me a lovey dovey text tonight and then apologized said it was meant for ow it broke my heart i think he did it on purpose part of his game playing what for you think??

handfulofcottonbuds Tue 11-Feb-14 22:30:42

YES!!! Definitely! He's cruel, just cruel.

He can only win his games if you allow him.

Do you know what, I hope you get to the stage where you say she's welcome to him.

I said that to my H and it sent him into a panic and then I stopped contact, best thing I did.

keptinthedark Wed 12-Feb-14 15:01:24

received a text from h last night saying how much he loved me then received a call thirty minutes later saying the text was meant for ow!! omg that killed me i think he did it on purpose what a horrible think to do i spent thirty minutes thinking that the nightmare was finally over

Onmyownwith4kids Wed 12-Feb-14 15:12:27

Of course he did it on purpose..trying to get a reaction out of you..How utterly sad and pathetic..there was no way that text was sent by accident..don't rise too it..He's just not worth it

Chyochan Wed 12-Feb-14 15:30:23

Omg, what you have just described sounds unhinged, what a freak he is.

One day you will see you are so well rid.

I hope its soon.

handfulofcottonbuds Wed 12-Feb-14 17:09:23

kept - please read the posts on your thread lovely. There is so much good advice on here, it will help you to read it all together.

Keep saying this out loud, "how dare he treat me like this, I won't let him"!!

keptinthedark Thu 13-Feb-14 19:39:05

omg yet again i get another text meant for ow sent to me by mistake .....why is he being so cruel to me how can you make the same mistake twice in as many days??? bet him and ow are having a really good laugh at my expense !!

Kept - he is an evil fucker. He knows exactly what he's doing. Messing with your head, keeping you off balance. That way he keeps control. And keeps you dangling on the end of his hook. Just in case it doesn't work out or he gets bored and decides he'll come back for a bit. Until the next OW.
The messages are because you threatened divorce. To fuck with you a bit, so you forget all that stuff and go back to being the manageable, biddable back up plan.

Tell him nothing. Give him no information. Build a wall and get behind it. He his not your friend.

keptinthedark Sun 16-Feb-14 17:30:35

so finally h has two youngest dcs overnight last night and because he spent all day on the phone to ow my son ended up hysterical and being brought home at two this morning .......i have also just found out h has sold his wedding ring!! what an evil callous thing to do i feel like he has stabbed me in the heart all over again i am still not getting over him i still love him and desperately want him back am still an emotional wreck

Kept, you are grieving for the loss of your relationship, the man you thought he was, not who he actually is.

Selling the ring is cruel, but no more cruel this all the other stuff he's done.

Stay strong, you will get through this.

keptinthedark Thu 20-Feb-14 00:55:43

so found out h got engaged on valentines day to ow now he has decided he wants a quick divorce so he can marry the slut !! he can bloody well wait don't you think??

neiljames77 Thu 20-Feb-14 14:13:58

No, fwiw, I don't think so.
Give him his divorce, get rid of him and get on with the rest of your life.
He's a horrible, spiteful man. You need to stop pining for him. For your sake and your children's sakes.

keptinthedark Thu 20-Feb-14 21:49:55

neiljames fwiw??

kept, fwiw means for what it's worth

I've just read through your thread. I'm so sorry you're having such a bad time. Something stands out from your posts, you seem to be using a lot of your energy thinking about your Ex and the OW. It's partly understandable given what you've been through but try to make YOU and your DCs the main focus of your thoughts, energy and efforts. it may seem hard at the moment but try to put yourself and your DCs first, concentrate on building towards a different but happy life.

Your Ex does not deserve to be the focus of everything - you do.

Onmyownwith4kids Fri 21-Feb-14 08:44:59

His behaviour is farcical. Let him get on with his "engagement"..I suspect he's getting a lot of satisfaction with the impact his behaaviour is having on you. Don't rise to it..let them get on with their pathetic little affair. It won't last they seem to enjoy playing to an audience. Make it clear you're too busy with your own life to have any interest at all.

SerenaBracken Fri 21-Feb-14 18:48:39

Kept, I have just read your entire thread and your suffering isn't entirely about love, but rejection.
The reason it's so painful, is that you have suffered a bereavement, only the person is still alive. Not only alive, but taunting you as he is wallowing in the attention of two women.

Your life has become a self fulfilling prophecy. Function all day for the children and collapse into the cheat's robe at night.
Don't bin the robe just yet, bear with me.
The death of your marriage needs a marking of such. It needs a Funeral.
Ask anyone here how they felt after a death of a loved one. The lead up to the funeral and after the funeral?
I bet everyone would say the funeral was a release.

That is what you need now, to let go.

Have a robe burning ceremony. Take your children to grans, invite the girls and burn his robe in the garden. Then have a damn good drink and a takeaway.
You can do it, just break the cycle of misery.

SerenaBracken Fri 21-Feb-14 19:24:01

Kept, I have just read your entire thread and your suffering isn't entirely about love, but rejection.
The reason it's so painful, is that you have suffered a bereavement, only the person is still alive. Not only alive, but taunting you as he is wallowing in the attention of two women.

Your life has become a self fulfilling prophecy. Function all day for the children and collapse into the cheat's robe at night.
Don't bin the robe just yet, bear with me.
The death of your marriage needs a marking of such. It needs a Funeral.
Ask anyone here how they felt after a death of a loved one. The lead up to the funeral and after the funeral?
I bet everyone would say the funeral was a release.

That is what you need now, to let go.

Have a robe burning ceremony. Take your children to grans, invite the girls and burn his robe in the garden. Then have a damn good drink and a takeaway.
You can do it, just break the cycle of misery.

SerenaBracken Fri 21-Feb-14 19:25:16

Aagh sorry, no post then came up twice.

keptinthedark Sun 23-Feb-14 22:17:42

two youngest dcs went with h yesterday he let them speak to ow on the phone and she said i am a size 10 not fat like your mum!! how dare she say that to my children! he also told them he is moving to derby about four hours away from here ....then he took them to his mothers where he broke down in tears and did it was hard and he thought he had made a mistake to which mil replied no you haven't you are away from that poisonous woman!! omg my head is spinning i am so so upset and angry by what is being said!! also h has changed his mobile number and is refusing to let me have it!

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