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(54 Posts)
lisadolly75 Thu 23-Jan-14 09:56:56

Hi all I am just wondering if it would seem odd to you if your bf / hubby/partner would not want to be friends with you on fb ?
In fact was quite against it?!
I know it may sound trivial but is it important to you?

selfdestructivelady Thu 23-Jan-14 09:58:25

I would find this odd yes and I wouldn't like it.

poopooheadwillyfatface Thu 23-Jan-14 09:58:30

DH isn't on fb.
If he was, I would expect us to be friends I suppose. But he is utterly disinterested in all that bollocks.

500internalerror Thu 23-Jan-14 09:59:46

I wasn't at all sure I was happy having dh as a fb friend. We all need personal space etc etc. but it's not that bad actually.

JeanSeberg Thu 23-Jan-14 10:00:05

Of course it's odd, what is he hiding?

Presumably this is your bf/hubby/partner you're referring to?

HoratiaDrelincourt Thu 23-Jan-14 10:00:33

I find that odd, I have to say.

FlatFacedArmy Thu 23-Jan-14 10:02:01

Facebook is for connecting with friends. If DH was on it I'd certainly expect him to be linked to me as my friend. All the married couples I know who are both on Facebook are friends. It's highly unusual not to accept a friend request from a partner.

I think if one partner is saying to another "I don't want you spying on me!" or "I don't want you knowing anything about my life!" as it implies, then the relationship has deeper problems than Facebook, IMO...

Mumraathenoisylion Thu 23-Jan-14 10:02:02

It isn't important to me - my dh isn't on Facebook but I have had a previous bf pull that trick because he wanted to be chatting to other girls. Afraid it's a red flag.

DownstairsMixUp Thu 23-Jan-14 10:03:19

I don't really know, it is a bit odd. Someone I know doesn't have his wife on his facebook - she defintely has an account though and the other week he did a happy birthday to his wife status but she's not on his facebook?! Confusing! Why wouldn't you I suppose is the question.

lisadolly75 Thu 23-Jan-14 10:07:38

Yes it is my bf of course! Of 15 years !

And a long story ��

Yes, I would find it very odd. If they didn't have an account, that's one thing, but if they did and refused to add me, I would assume he had something to hide (another woman, DC from a past relationship or some kind of habit I didn't know about).

I honestly think it's a red flag these days. Especially when you know he has an account and is firmly against adding you.

poopooheadwillyfatface Thu 23-Jan-14 10:13:33

I wouldn't feel it was invading my privacy, no.i stay logged in he can look at it anytime if he wants. He doesn't thoughgrin
and anything i put on fb is by definition, not private anyway.

MightyMagnificentScarfaceClaw Thu 23-Jan-14 10:13:47

I would find it not only odd, but highly suspicious. Like when my Ex went mad when I visited unexpectedly one day, and accused me of trying to catch him with an OW. Guess what, he was a cheat.

Does your DP give any reason? What positive reason could there possibly be?

MirandaWest Thu 23-Jan-14 10:15:08

I know that my bf's XW didn't want him to be friends with her on Facebook and that was because she was having an affair which I presume him seeing her Facebook would have shown.

lisadolly75 Thu 23-Jan-14 10:40:39

Ok here goes : bout 4 years ago we had problems and broke up( yes he had relations with someone at work)
We just took each other for granted tbh, always working and not talking etc...
So we sold house and we lived bout 10 mins from each other( we have a dog which is v imp to us) and we actually get on great as friends!
Last year we started dating slowly as been getting on well ( ow left country- all over)
Now I have stopped pill and sold my house and moved in.
All is fab and we both want it to work.
However! Yesterday I showed a friend a photo of hos new car( only pic I know is on fb) and there are comments from HER. They arent friends but do have old workmates in common.
He said that he was v surprised she commented and understood how I felt. I asked him to delete comments ( which were normal and not leading onto anything)
And block her. He has said yes tho not had proof yet.
But he will not add me as a friend.
Says that some people at work will prob have digs at him as I took him back etc......
He keeps saying to me how he lives in the rw
With me , dog etc...
Was more willing to delete fb than add me as friend ?!
But why do I feel like I am a fool ?
I know its not major thing but I know I wont feel
differently about it and it wont go away will it?

Mumraathenoisylion Thu 23-Jan-14 10:59:18

Sorry, you are being a fool - in the nicest possible way.

You sound lovely and deserve someone who won't be ashamed of being with you at work, out of work or anywhere.

Ltb

poopooheadwillyfatface Thu 23-Jan-14 11:03:43

why are you bothered that someone commented on his car pic? confused

lisadolly75 Thu 23-Jan-14 11:05:58

Because SHE commented thats why!!!!!

poopooheadwillyfatface Thu 23-Jan-14 11:06:01

oh his ex from years ago commented? I have a couple of exes on mine. They comment on and like things sometimes. I am certain that DH wouldn't give the tiniest toss.

MsWinnieBaygo Thu 23-Jan-14 11:06:52

People at work will have digs at him because you took him back? Does that mean he keeps your relationship a secret from people at his work and hasn't told people you are back together?? shock

MsWinnieBaygo Thu 23-Jan-14 11:08:20

FB isn't issue here, not is an ex commenting on a photo of a car, it's that he seems to be keeping you a dirty secret and not wanting people to know that you're in q relationship together.

lisadolly75 Thu 23-Jan-14 11:10:25

No he has told people that matter to him. I have met them. Quite rightly.
He just does not see my point and it really irritates me.

MightyMagnificentScarfaceClaw Thu 23-Jan-14 11:10:51

An ex from years ago is very different from an OW, I would not be happy that they were FB friends, and assume that this was why he doesn't want to 'friend' you. Not telling work colleagues that you are together when some know the OW is also a red flag. Sorry OP it's looking bad to me.

lisadolly75 Thu 23-Jan-14 11:12:41

Hmmm i dont think its a secret. His parents know whats
Happening

MsWinnieBaygo Thu 23-Jan-14 11:14:22

There is a difference between telling me that matter & not mentioning to others because you don't talk about relationships, don't know them well enough - he, however, seems to be actively trying to keep you a secret to a large chunk of his life/work friends

MsWinnieBaygo Thu 23-Jan-14 11:15:03

Telling 'people' that matter not ''me"!

lisadolly75 Thu 23-Jan-14 11:15:47

They arent friends cos i have checked but of course have work friends still in common.
She is a long way away too. Tbh i am quite certain that nothing is going on and he has told me he has had no contact at all and was surprised she made a comment .
He replied to comment and she and another work mate commented back too.

This has red flag written all over it.

I would be very put out if DP deleted me from Facebook or didn't add me in the first place. And it would cause an argument, absolutely. I'm very much part of his life - we live together and we're engaged, so I'd be extremely suspicious if he had all his friends on his Facebook and refused to add me.

Add the cheating to it and I would strongly suspect that he does talk to her (he can do that through messages without being friends with her) or that he has another woman on the go. Sorry.

CoffeeTea103 Thu 23-Jan-14 11:21:58

If you really can't see what's going on then I don't know. Sorry but it's a red flag.

Very suspicious. My ex would do the odd strange thing like that and I'd get a funny feeling but everything else was great... so I'd persuade myself it was fine. Turns out he was cheating on me for the whole of our relationship.
Listen to your gut on this one. There's something not rightsad

MsWinnieBaygo Thu 23-Jan-14 11:36:34

OP, you are making this about whether or not something is still going on with the ex-OW - she commented on a photo of a car via a friend of a friend. That alone is nothing and no, it doesn't seem as if anything is going on with her.

The real issue here, IMO, is that your partner is not wanting to publicly acknowledge he is in a relationship with you, wants to keep you hidden from his work friends, is compartmentalising his life and is treating you like a dirty secret. Much bigger issue that one stupid comment on a photo of a bloody car.

lisadolly75 Thu 23-Jan-14 11:38:18

Oh ladies!
I actually dont think he is cheating or anything like that. I think its all to do with the time we lived on our own.
I think maybe i may see something i dont like ?!
Tho i dont know what and i dont care tbh.
What a joke its all become!

lisadolly75 Thu 23-Jan-14 11:39:23

I agree that the comment annoyed me but not the main issue .

lisadolly75 Thu 23-Jan-14 11:40:16

Thankyou for all your opinions.
I seriously thought I was making a mountain out of a molehill!

MsWinnieBaygo Thu 23-Jan-14 11:44:44

My last post sounds really mean and harsh reading it back - sorry, it wasn't meant to sound that way! blush

Contrarian78 Thu 23-Jan-14 11:52:31

Just think how much easier (and more productive) your lives would be without Facebook and dare I say it; Mumsnet smile

I'm personally not on Facebook (and neither are any of my close friends). Frankly, and I'm probably speaking a little out of turn here, I'd be suspicious of any fully grown man that was on the Facebook. The fact that he isn't "friends" with you on Facebook might be the least of your worries.

I should say that Mrs. Contrarian is on it, but as a nurse she's always mindful as to what she puts on there (so she tells me) so is actaully quite passive with it.

SirRaymondClench Thu 23-Jan-14 11:58:43

So he cares more what his colleagues might think than what you think?

And he had an affair with an old colleague?

And he'd rather delete his FB than add you?

Hmm he doesn't sound like much of a keeper to me. hmm

I know plenty of grown men with Facebook. They're all in perfectly normal relationships, most of them with long-term partners and children, and use it to keep up with old friends and family. Facebook is only suspicious in the hands of idiots wink

AmberLeaf Thu 23-Jan-14 12:00:09

the womans comments aside, not wanting to have you as a friend on Facebook is very suspicious.

Nothing wrong with being on FB at any age - its good for sharing news, photos and keeping in touch with far away friends etc. A very few people get a bit OTT, or use it for hooking up, but each to their own....!

But the only reasons you wouldn't add your DP on there is that they're going to see something they don't like, or you don't want to be linked with them publicly.

I'd consider getting back on birth control until this is resolved OP - Something's not right here.

Contrarian78 Thu 23-Jan-14 12:06:58

Do you know what, perhaps it is for younger men, but thinking about my own cohort (mid thirties) I think we probably missed the boat. From all of the aggrevation it seems to cause - I'm talking about the petty stuff that we hear anecdotally - I don't think any of us feel we're missing out.

Deleting Facebook is probably a reasonable enough compromise.

MsWinnieBaygo Thu 23-Jan-14 12:11:01

I don't see how deleting Facebook is a reasonable compromise tbh. Have Facebook or don't have Facebook - it's irrelevant. The issue is that he's keeping her a secret from work mates as he doesn't want people to know they are back together. OP, if you do get pregnant, is he going to keep your baby a secret from them too?

lisadolly75 Thu 23-Jan-14 12:15:44

So I did say that last night to him! Will
You be putting a pic of baby as ur prof pic ( as most peeps do)
He said yea of course.
I am not asking him to state he in a relationship with me. Just add as a friend.
What th f* is the big deal ?! Imo !

It's a big deal because he's hiding something.

Contrarian78 Thu 23-Jan-14 12:22:56

From what I gather, people seem to want to construct an online identity which differs from the reality. If he's denying your existence in real life, then that's a problem, but on Faceache...............

Maybe I don't know enough about the intricacies of it all....

SirRaymondClench Thu 23-Jan-14 12:28:00

Nothing wrong with him stating he is in a relationship with you, after all he is isn't he? hmm
He's acting like you are something to be ashamed of and that in itself would be enough for me to LTB.
You took him back after he cheated so he should be doing EVERYTHING he can to be 100% transparent with you. But he isn't.

yellowcar Thu 23-Jan-14 13:31:44

I think its possible on fb to add someone as a friend then hide you from all their other friends. Also,you can say 'in a relationship' with someone, but edit who sees this info. ie, only me, friends, exclude certain people, etc. The settings are really complicated.

I'm glad you posted about this op. I'm really pissed off with my dp as I realise that he has 'hidden' from everyone else on his friend list that we are in a relationship. I was wondering if I was making something out of nothing by feeling upset by it, but after reading all the comments I'm going to speak to him. I do find it really disrespectful and he must be hiding something from me, it's obvious now I've read about your situation.

Leavenheath Thu 23-Jan-14 14:26:57

Pic of what baby? confused

Have you really conceived a child with someone who won't even tell his colleagues he's in a relationship with you?

Joysmum Thu 23-Jan-14 14:37:49

Whether my husband was in the wrong or not, if he knew something he could control had hurt me, he'd jump through hoops to make me feel better and confront and address that hurt.

Your bloke doesn't seem to see things in the same way and I'd be concerned at that.

lisadolly75 Thu 23-Jan-14 14:52:41

No not pg yet but was just saying to him .

lisadolly75 Thu 23-Jan-14 14:55:39

Joysmum I totally agree . Its exactly how I feel .

Leavenheath Thu 23-Jan-14 14:59:32

So what you're saying is that you sold your house, moved in with a bloke who's cheated on you before and are now having unprotected sex with the intention of conceiving a baby with a bloke who won't tell his workmates or FB friends he's in a relationship with you?

Why are you doing all that?

lisadolly75 Thu 23-Jan-14 15:21:36

Some of them do know. I know them

MightyMagnificentScarfaceClaw Thu 23-Jan-14 17:04:50

The fact remains OP that he is concealing his relationship, which is supposedly serious enough to create a new life, with at least some of his friends. What could be a good reason for that?

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