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Why dont I want to have sex anymore :(

(47 Posts)
Feelafailure Wed 22-Jan-14 22:16:59

....Or rather I do, but I cant physically let myself...I become defensive and completely put the shutters down.
Brief History:

Been with Dp 6 years, 1 ds aged 2.

After being with dp a few months, sex life great until I started taking pill. Developed vaginismus as just wasnt "feeling it" down there and it became painful. Thats where Id say the problems started.
After that sex became a sort of...chore. I worried about it and thus put myself off, felt a failure, dp felt rejected etc etc..
We sort of trundled along managing sex now and again but it was never something I felt relaxed about.
Somehow fell pregnant, didnt have sex much throughout that 9 months, didnt feel like it.
Traumatic birth, stitches, complete undiluted fear and dread of sex. It took 9 months to feel brave enough to try.
I was diagnosed with postnatal depression and anxiety when ds was 1.5. Spent 1 year on anti-deps. The crumb of sex drive that remained, vanished.
Recently came off anti-deps as felt ready, and now want to be a "normal" person and enjoy sex again. But I have forgotten what to do, how to feel sad
Last time we tried I felt so ill at ease and uncomfortable I cried afterwards. I was just so tense and couldnt relax, instead of being into it I was on High Alert incase it hurt.

Dp is a Saint. He watches some porn now and again for some "relief" and I feel so shit about that. Frightened he might want to look elsewhere eventually sad

I started taking Omega 3 and Vitamin E as I read they can aid with sexdrive and I have felt great, depression and general anxiety gone.

Has anyone else felt like this, if so what did you do?

phoolani Wed 22-Jan-14 22:26:22

First thing that strikes me is that...there's been a lot going on that will affect sex drive. Give yourself a break - from sex and from worrying about it!something is clearly wrong but it could be one main things, or a mixture of several of the things you've mentioned. If DP's a saint, explain what you're feeling and explain that you need to take a break, retreat for a bit and figure it all out. Chances are, in your heart of hearts, you know what the primary problem is and don't really want to think about it.

SirRaymondClench Wed 22-Jan-14 22:32:33

Are you still close in other ways? Kissing, cuddling etc

Feelafailure Wed 22-Jan-14 22:35:52

Thanks phoolani. The thing is, Im always having a break from it, the last time was weeks ago. I tell dp all the mixed up feelings and thoughts I have and although not a big talker, he tries to understand. He is at a loss as to what to say or do, he feels like a failure in a way aswell.
I had trust issues for a long, long time due to a relationship with a man old enough to be my father when I was too young, too naive. I believe that shaped my entire outlook but surely after so many years I should be over that..
Perhaps you are right, something could be extremely deepseated.

Feelafailure Wed 22-Jan-14 22:37:45

SirRaymond the intimacy isnt there really, no. The love is, and we are the best of friends, but proper intimacy hasnt happened for a long time. I avoid it because I dont want him to think it is going to lead to sex.

Blondieminx Wed 22-Jan-14 22:39:19

Have you had a chat to your GP about it? FWIW I have scarring due to tearing when I had DD, and was prescribed Ovestin cream which helped a lot.

Feelafailure Wed 22-Jan-14 22:42:06

Yes Blondieminx, Im all healed and everythings in order, it is very much a mental thing. I make myself tense. Gp suggested a glass of wine :/ wine does nothing. Believe me Ive tried!

Feelafailure Wed 22-Jan-14 22:44:37

....I think Im hoping someone who had the same issues can tell me not to worry and how they overcame them, Im asking too much really arent I.

Blondieminx Wed 22-Jan-14 22:50:35

I was healed too but it was still uncomfy which made me tense and put me off. That cream really helped so in case you hadn't tried it, I thought I'd mention it as an option?

It sounds like you're frightened to have any intimacy with your partner so you're swerving it all. Can you chat to him about it and say you're worried about that side of your relationship, you'd like to take some steps to get the physical spark back but that you're worried he'll feel frustrated/let down if you need to stop?

Hopefully someone with more experience will be along soon to help...

MadBusLady Wed 22-Jan-14 22:51:31

I appreciate there's a whole bundle of issues here, I only have one small suggestion - have you gone back on the pill? You know that's where it started physically and it's also famous for wrecking libido. So I'd come off that as a first step.

I know drs will try and switch you onto other brands or hormonal methods to see if you "get on with them better" but the truth is hormonal change is such a difficult thing to assess and you may think something is just the way you are when it really is down to what you're taking.

DistanceCall Wed 22-Jan-14 22:55:39

I think you need to talk honestly to your partner. So many traumatic things have happened that it's no wonder you're afraid of sex. But intimacy is essential: you need to feel completely comfortable, relaxed, and happy to be with your partner.

So tell him what you have told us: that you love him, that you would like to have a sex life with him again, and that you need to be physically comfortable and affectionate with him. And that you're afraid to display physical affection for him because you think it will lead to sex.

Perhaps a good place to start might be him caressing you with his hand and/or mouth, without penetration. Also - and this is just a suggestion - if you worry about "leading him on" by cuddling and so on, you might want to bear in mind that you can always, erm, lend him a hand. Or your mouth. Not all sex is penetrative.

Feelafailure Wed 22-Jan-14 23:02:04

Thanks Blondieminx I will enquire about that, it will probably help my peace of mind wont it. I make a point of talking to him about it all once every few months or so, thats how bad it is blush he always makes me feel loved and is always very honest.
You know what MadBusLady Id love to come off the pill, that would be my last chance saloon at getting back to "normal" - but Id be terrified of a condom breaking and getting pregnant again - ds wasnt planned you see. A shock, but he is the sunshine of our lives and we are so lucky to have him. However if I fell pregnant now it really would be a disaster - we just about make ends meet as it is.
I believe this must be yet another underlying issue...sigh

phoolani Wed 22-Jan-14 23:02:19

Sorry, can't say i've had the same problem - sex is about the only area DP and i haven't had problems! But I think it's almost certain that sex isn't your problem, either. And by all means tell me to bugger off with my theories, but I suspect you know that and that it's more about the trust issues and the issues with 'intimacy' which can arise as a result. I may be wrong, but doesn't vaginismus arise mainly as a psychological defence mechanism? And yes, 'worry' about it in the sense that you should address the underlying problems, but take actual sex out of the equation to concentrate properly on the underlying stuff. You don't get over anything unless you deal with it properly - however long it's been since those issues arose. Don't whatever you do have sex out of obligation or fear of losing DP - it'll only make things worse. Tell DP there's a moratorium on sex until you have a chance to figure out what's wrong (up to you whether you tell him porn is acceptable in the meantime). If he's truly supportive, he'll understand and back you up. You could try counselling, but, as someone who had massive trust issues, I found it didn't help - I couldn't trust the counsellor! Be honest with yourself first and admit to yourself what the real problem is. Good luck - it can be hard!

Feelafailure Wed 22-Jan-14 23:05:50

Thankyou DistanceCall. I need to let my guard down and go for it, dont i. Well, maybe not go for the whole thing but parts of it - like you say.

Blondieminx Wed 22-Jan-14 23:11:36

if you are sure that he definitely doesn't want anymore kids, is it worth having a chat about vasectomy before resuming penatrative sex?

The responsibility for contraception should be partly his responsibility too...

Feelafailure Wed 22-Jan-14 23:15:25

Thankyou phoolani I think youre right, I think Ive actually become a psychological mess over the years about it, its a little daunting to know where to start :/
I too have had trust issues, Im thinking now that I may have "tightened up" as a defence mechanism against (quite literally) letting him in, emotionally...?
Thats something I definately need to address actually. You have really made me think there.

JaceyBee Wed 22-Jan-14 23:19:28

Just to mention, there are other non-hormonal contraceptives except condoms. I have an iud and it's fine

Scarletohello Wed 22-Jan-14 23:20:02

I don't know if you would want to do this but Relate do have trained sex therapists. Is this something you/ and your partner would consider?

Feelafailure Wed 22-Jan-14 23:20:14

Well Blondieminx we would definately both like another child in the future, but definately not in the next couple of years, it would break us financially and probably emotionally sad
Dp thinks condoms would be fine but Ive never felt they were enough, "the condom broke" is an oft heard phrase isnt it? (Or is that just me being too fearful..)

Feelafailure Wed 22-Jan-14 23:24:58

JaceyBee - Apologies for sounding like a broken record but Im actually too frightened to have the coil put in. I almost did when ds was a baby then chickened out at the thought of the pain. I havent even been for my smear test yet for the same reason.

Scarletohello - My partner wouldnt like to go to counselling, he strongly feels that if he can help me to relax for long enough I'll be ok. I was offered counselling once but I dont think Id be able to discuss all this face to face with a stranger :/

phoolani Wed 22-Jan-14 23:28:23

It is massively daunting - but honestly, you know WHERE to start, you just don't want to go there! We all do it - over thinking things as a mechanism to avoid dealing with what we know is the real problem. But be honest with yourself and take heart that wherever the real problem takes you, it's a better place to be than where you are. You can absolutely deal with this and get to a place where you can (very) happily have sex with someone you love; it might be a bumpy journey to get there, but you CAN get there.

Feelafailure Wed 22-Jan-14 23:29:19

....Ive been trying to remember the feelings I have when trying to start dtd, and at one point I even feel a bit silly and self conscious! This is a large can of worms.

Feelafailure Wed 22-Jan-14 23:31:29

Thankyou again phoolani. It sounds like youve really conquered your own issues, thats so encouraging to hear. thanks

BrandNewIggi Wed 22-Jan-14 23:31:33

Never ever had a condom breaking. If t did, I hope it would be obvious and I could get MAP. I do have faith in them as have never had a scare when using them and yet have had a lot of pgs when not using them, iyswim.
We've hardly had sex since dc2, I would like to reignite things but seems like too much work.

Casmama Wed 22-Jan-14 23:33:40

I agree with the suggestion to take penetration off the cards for a while.
You could go further and ban contact with breasts and genitals but focus on massage of non-sexual areas- maybe putting time aside 2-3 times a week to be intimate but not sexual with each other then gradually build up to sex over a period of weeks.

Talk to your local family planning about contraceptives too - it amazed me how much my libido increased when I came off the pill.

phoolani Wed 22-Jan-14 23:41:49

Seriously? I am the queen of overcome issues! A tip: you don't have to bare your deepest, darkest secrets to anyone; just make sure you bare them to yourself. You can sugar coat everything for other people, so don't concern yourself about exposing everything before you can handle it. Think about yourself for now.

cardamomginger Wed 22-Jan-14 23:43:41

Do you think you are still traumatised from the birth? Might counselling help this?
I think taking penetration completely off the table is a good idea. At the end of the day it is invasive. Yes, it's generally good invasive, but it is still an invasion. Stick with non-penetrative stuff.
Do you masturbate? It might help you to get more in touch with your body and start waking up the nerves in a good way. You could also try using a vibrator as this will help your body to get used to penetration - you can control what's happening, get used to it, and build up your confidence that it is possible. It may take some time for it to feel OK - but the muscles will relax and any tender areas will desensitise.

In many ways you sound like me. DH and I didn't have the best time in bed before I had DD - prior to trying to conceive I was terrified of becoming pregnant and had a nightmare with trying to find a form of contraception that didn't turn me into a psychotic maniac or leave me bleeding for 3 weeks out of 4. Whist trying to conceive I became obsessed with ovulation (and then it turned out we had a problem and were about to start IVF before DD decided to implant herself). Then horrifically traumatic birth, multiple birth injuries, 3 lots of major surgery and severe PTSD. It's been 3 years since DH and I have had sex.

Well done for posting here. It takes guts to do it. Good luck XX

Feelafailure Wed 22-Jan-14 23:48:13

Casmama what contraception are you now using, if any? Youve made me think of Sting and Tantric sex there aswell smile I wonder if dp could possibly manage that..

BillyBanter Wed 22-Jan-14 23:50:06

I agree with taking the possibility of penetrative sex off the cards for say a minimum of 6 months*. That takes pressure off you and your DP too. In that time I'd recommend some counselling for you and maybe a couple of sessions with both of you.

If cuddling etc is ok for you then stick with that affection if you possibly can.

* if you change your mind before then that's fine.

Feelafailure Wed 22-Jan-14 23:59:01

You are very brave phoolani x

oh cardamomginger it sounds like you have been put through the wringer. You must have a very understanding Dh. Yes, we seem to have been in a very similar situation pre-children. I too have had a love/hate relationship with the pill.
I tried masturbation again recently after having no interest in it whatsoever for months and months, and sadly found it lacking compared to what it used to be, its as if a taps been turned off and the feelings cant flow properly sad
Wishing peace of mind and body to you. thanks

Feelafailure Thu 23-Jan-14 00:00:54

Thankyou Billy that is something I may have to consider.

wileycoyote Thu 23-Jan-14 00:04:36

Hi there, why did you persevere with the pill ehen it didn't suit you? A coil or similar is absolutely the best thing ever, and so under used in the UK I think. I wonder if you are over analysing it - you do get out of practice and the thought is weird and alien after not doing it for a while - maybe you just need to commit to doing it to get over it?

wileycoyote Thu 23-Jan-14 00:06:50

That's what I did anyway, and it worked for me.

Feelafailure Thu 23-Jan-14 00:13:47

I stuck with it because I foolishly thought it was the best form of contraception Wileycoyote, the most reliable :/ I also had the added advantage of knowing when my period would start/end and decreasing cramp a little. Do you also have the mirena coil? I mistakenly thought that was the one that released a small amount of hormones.
Im absolutely over-analysing it now, yes. Having been trying to get to the root of the problem for so long Ive kind of frozen myself to the spot, become rigid with anxiety. Vicous cycle

Feelafailure Thu 23-Jan-14 00:15:32

....is sex enjoyable and undaunting for you again, after a long break?

wileycoyote Thu 23-Jan-14 00:24:05

Yes, have been having the best, most liberating sex ever. Admittedly with a different man than the one I was with but it's me that has changed!!! I did originally get back on the horse so to speak with my previous partner though and it was just a matter of 'just do it' grin

I have a non-hormonal copper coil. Tried one and I could feel it, so had that removed and a smaller one fitted - have never looked back!!

wileycoyote Thu 23-Jan-14 00:26:02

Sexual feelings and libido are such a big force/energy for me now I can't imagine switching off again, but if it did happen I think I would know that the fear is just a paper tiger.

Feelafailure Thu 23-Jan-14 00:26:34

Oh Wiley thats amazing to hear. Kudos smile am considering changing now.

DistanceCall Thu 23-Jan-14 00:33:04

Have you tried a diaphragm? It's a sort of silicon lid that covers your cervix and acts as a barrier. You stick it in with some spermicide when you want to have sex and it's quite safe and comfortable. You need to get measured by an ob-gyn for it, but I've found them a very good option, and I believe the NHS will cover the cost.

Feelafailure Thu 23-Jan-14 00:41:39

They never looked reliable to me Distance, but if you found it to be good I will discuss it with Gp.
I have decided to consider all options available and come off pill. If not the answer, Im sure it will certainly help my situation.

Thankyou to all who replied to me tonight, you have each made me feel a whole lot better, and even quite hopeful. thanks

wileycoyote Thu 23-Jan-14 00:42:20

The thing about the coil is that it completely allows spontaneous sex, as many times as you like!! No hassle, no interruptions and no planning, and also no side effects. Like I said though, I had one fitted and removed before I found one that suited me, but is definately worth a try.

wileycoyote Thu 23-Jan-14 00:42:50

Good luck!!

Feelafailure Thu 23-Jan-14 01:04:55

Oh Wiley, how does it affect your periods, are they heavier, more painful...? I heard this can be the case with the copper coil?

MadBusLady Thu 23-Jan-14 09:29:37

Hope you make progress OP, good luck flowers

selfdestructivelady Thu 23-Jan-14 09:43:41

I have a copper coil I find there are no side effects my periods are no more heavy or painful. It didn't hurt that much to put in and I had three failed attempts and had to have it done at hospital. I'd still have another it's so fuss free.

DistanceCall Thu 23-Jan-14 12:28:14

I've found the diaphragm completely reliable (I've been using it for more than 12 years now, and never had a problem). After all, it basically smears your cervix full of spermicide AND acts as a barrier. So any sperm that manages to wriggle its way through is killed by the spermicide.

You do need to get the measurement right, so talk to your GP, yes.

wileycoyote Sat 25-Jan-14 23:55:01

Yes, some people have problems with heavy periods with the coil but mine are OK with this one I have now - the previous one that didn't suit me made them heavy though.

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