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I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?(309 Posts)
I was going to name change but fuck it.
I have no friends. None. Not one.
I have no social life. I haven't been on a proper night out in years.
I am a SAHM and pregnant with DC2. We live in a city where we have no family. Just me and DP. Every night. On the sofa watching box sets. We have become far too co-dependent and I am filling up with resentment about it .
I had awful experiences at both school and uni with groups of girls who I thought were my friends and have ended up quite damaged and I think self-protective because of it.
I am a good person. I am kind and thoughtful and a good listener. I love company and really miss laughing with a friend over silly things.
However I have been told many times that I am intimidating. I really don't mean to be. Resting bitch face maybe?! I am smart and witty but also sarcastic, intolerant of idiots and am maybe just a wee bit judgemental. If anyone has seen Cougar Town I think I'm a bit like Ellie .
I am a wannabe 50's pin-up who drinks whiskey and quotes films with probably irritating regularity. I find it easier to talk to men in social scenarios (mainly because DP's friends are the only people I see in a social setting) but I haven't connected with anyone as a proper friend.
I don't like a lot of the designated 'girly' activities. I hate shopping. I hate romcoms and pink wine. I would rather eat my own head than go out clubbing in a big group of girls. I don't watch soaps or I'm a Celebrity. Hen dos bring me out in hives.
I made myself go to baby/toddler groups with DD1 and I hated every minute. As much as I love my DD I don't want to talk just about babies and BLW etc which is the experience I had. Competitive parenting everywhere.
In the past 5 years I have met 2 people who I initially thought I might be able to forge a friendship with.
One is a complete drama llama who dramatically declared herself an alcoholic then decided she wasn't and now gets drunk and rants on FB most nights. And once made a pass at DP. Needless to say she's off the list.
Person No.2 is someone I thought I had a lot in common with (50's clothing and kitsch etc) but is very much a Mimi and turns out has at least mild homophobic and racist tendencies .
I say hello to people on the school run but many of the mums seem quite cliquey (could be me projecting because of my bad experiences) and besides how do you turn a school run hello into a friendship??
When I see people on FB having big get-togethers or checking in on their sofa with their friends and wine I like I positively seethe with envy. Recently I have started getting really upset about the whole situation.
I have this vision of living somewhere where I make friends with a group of the neighbours and we have raucous nights in around the table laughing and listening to music. Sad much?? .
How can I make friends? Are there any people out there like me? At 33 am I destined to be this sad twat for the rest of my days? Has anyone been in a similar situation and changed it?
Alternatively are there any rent-a-friend websites?!
If you have made it to the end of this pathetic rant for you.
Meet some Mners, where are you in the world? You sound awesome btw, I too am not comfortable with mummy talk, stereotypical girly type stuff and I would rather stick hot pokers up my arse than attend a hen do or a spa weekend <shudders>
I don't have any answers but you're not alone. [whiskey]
I mean this kindly. In your post it comes across that you may be a bit fixed in terms of the "type" of person you like. Is that the case?
You have just described me. I'll be your friend
My life is short on laughter and good times
No advice, sorry, as I am similarly afflicted and just generally crap, but sympathies. I'm 32 and virtually friendless as well. Also had a bad experience in school ('best friend' decided I wasn't cool enough and dumped me, but not before making me feel worthless) and I find it really hard to make friends. But actually I've always been shy, since childhood.
FWIW, you seem lovely on here. And you have a cool name I'd be your friend.
You sound so much like me Bunny
I'm an Ellie from Cougar Town as well
I don't make friends easily at all. At the grand age of 31 I have 1. People don't 'get' me, I think I'm too dry humor wise.
Don't think I've got anything actually helpful to say but wanted to say I think you sound ace and I would absolutely want to know you better if I met you.
I'm similar in the not having friends except I have one male friend.
Bunny I second Rooners
Fancy a clomp in the mud to hang out with the trees, swigging a nice Chianti from the bottle? I can quote the great philosophers and classical poetry? Or we could find wild foods and cook them over a fire
Thanks Rooners but will you be my friend??? <<needy face>>
Cailin I probably am. I find it hard to relate to people with whom I have nothing in common and I do get bored by inane chatter.
I don't ask much - just someone who likes Showgirls and RuPaul's Drag Race and dry martinis?!
Titsalina - I'm glad I'm not alone. Any chance you're in W Yorks??!!
^ ps goes for all you vipers too
Slap the turkey neck and it's hangin from a pigeon wing
You can't write if you can't relate
gotta make dinner for the man and me but will be back.
I felt quite isolated when DD was younger as I lived quite far away from family, work and school, and live alone (bar DD as I'm a lone parent).
I had friends in work but not best friends, some other friends all lovely but busy with their 2.4 child families so only saw them a few times a year, other friends abroad.
So (for another reason, not specifically to make friends!) I did some volunteering at DD's school show (handy with a needle) when she was about 7, ended up doing 8 panto seasons.
She's 17 now and I have about 10 good friends still from this (and loads of acquaintances). Plus it got me back into sewing (which I love).
Is there something YOU are interested in, that you can take up/do more of?
(btw I have never had a drink with any of my neighbours in the 14 years I've lived in my house! You're not necessarily odd if you aren't close to people you just happen to live beside )
Aw you guys! I'm actually crying now . DD is looking at me like I've finally lost it. Thank you all.
I just want one person, just one person who is as weird and bad as me.
Bugger I'm nowhere even close. :/ that a bit shit really, we need more people like you here.
I generally lose people when I go,to the bar and order a rum and have to request every time that it be dark rum and no I don't want and coke especially diet. Apparently ladies drink white rum and diet coke
I am a good person. I am kind and thoughtful and a good listener. I love company and really miss laughing with a friend over silly things."
Bunny I've only met you once but agree
I dont agree with the intimidating stuff - I maybe was a bit intimidated by you being so glamorous but that vanished when I realised how friendly you were.
are you sure this isnt just pregnancy "my social life is over" blues?
I am a good person. I am kind and thoughtful and a good listener. I love company and really miss laughing with a friend over silly things."
Bunny I've only met you once but agree
I dont agree with the intimidating stuff - I maybe was a bit intimidated by you being so glamorous but that vanished when I realised how friendly you were.
are you sure this isnt just pregnancy "my social life is over" blues?
Wish I lived closer I do know what you mean.
You sound excellent. I'll be your mate.
I freak people out too. Scarily deadpan, far too honest and the resting face of a grieving cod.
I've been described as 'brutally honest to the point of terrifying' by a colleague
I feel the same as you. If you are in SW-ish London, I would love to meet up for coffee.
Bunny you're awesome. Seriously, love your posts, you rock and are clearly just too cool for the normals.
Another one who could've written your post, OP.
How do you turn a school run hello into a friendship <--- THAT! Other people do it all the time, I've been doing the school run for years and never once managed to
I don't have any advice, but you're not alone.
It sounds like we are pretty much in the same boat!! Oh the envy of everyone getting invited out to the Xmas parties seeing all the photos and me say at home. You sound lovely btw
Well, this is interesting. I see you around on the boards and really like your humour/style, and occasionally try to talk to you, but I tend to get the sense you're not particularly read to be friendly back, so I slope off thinking "she must be one of the popular girls who doesn't need the likes of me".
So maybe it's a touch of what Cailin says, and maybe you're not great at responding to overtures if they don't come in an instantly recognisable package?
I do have red lines for friendships obviously, and they would include homophobia and racism, but they sure wouldn't include romcoms and soap watching. Unless the person is completely obsessed and consumed with those activities, that seems silly (and anyone who is obsessed/consumed with anything is boring, be it soaps or Dostoevsky.)
Where in the country are you Bunny?
Take it as read Bunny
however I do live about 300 miles south of you. You just sound lovely, you really do.
I don't have any RL friends really either. Probably about one tbh.
Bunny what would you class as "inane chatter"?
Thank you Stealth
Being pregnant has probably exacerbated my feelings. I BF DD for two years so if I do the same for this DC I'll be looking at parole for good behaviour in, oh, 2016!
I just feel like <<cliché alert>> life is passing me by. That I'm stuck in this house stagnating while everyone else is out having fun. And I called someone else a drama llama??! .
Aww bunny, jump on the train and get your arse up here to peterhead and we will chill out laugh at stupid stuff and eat our body weight in chocolate!!!
I feel the same sometimes, people just dont "get " me!! Im your friend
The amount of times I've had a brief conversation with a school mum about something I've approached them about (school related) only for me to politely answer before being engulfed by the clique of other mums and I'm left hovering like a lemon on the side lines. It's just embarrassing.
long distance friendships work out ok sometimes...I have been known to send a fellow mumsnetter a xmas jumper just cos she needed it lol!! And she is miles further away than you <projects that needy face right back at you >
x-posted. Yeah, this is kind of what I mean, I'm afraid:
I don't ask much - just someone who likes Showgirls and RuPaul's Drag Race and dry martinis?!
Anyone here want to put their hands up to all those?
MadBus - that is so strange. I feel exactly the same about the rest of MN. I convince myself everyone else is best mates and I'm on the fringes. I'm really sorry if I've ignored you .
Cailin - Inane chatter to me is the office cooler stuff I used to cringe at at work. Soaps, reality TV, Peter Andre, local gossip. Just not my bag.
I'm girly and into girls activities but also a bit of a loner I'm 21 but you sound epic
That was a deliberately arch description of my tastes MadBus.
I actually like a wide and varied range of stuff and can usually find at least one common topic to talk to a new person about.
It's finding people who are generally the same kind of unconventional as me that stumps me. I don't expect someone to be a mirror image of me but as with finding a SO I think a certain level of shared humour/interests/references is beneficial.
I think the answer is to move to a big city TBH though I realise that's not a very practical suggestion!
Well if any of you that are in Bunny's boat <ooh er> are near West Sussex, come hang out with me, I'm happy to be along distance friend too.
I have lots of aquaintances and only a handful of real friends, honestly, it's less than five. And I wouldn't call any of them to come round with a bottle of wine and chat on the sofa, unless it was a group of three of us or more. I've been burned with close friendships going sour before, and whilst turning a school run hello into a friendship is perfectly possible, it does require a degree of openess and willingness to overlook someone's not-so-perfect bits. Don't try and see school run friends in the same way as true lifelong ones (I have a total of zero of those!). You do have to be prepared to put yourself out there a bit - go on the drinks your year group organise, organise some yourself, do the whole going for coffee after drop off/before pick up etc. Yes you have to put some effort in, but the pay off is a bit more of a social life. It doesn't have to be the sole focus of your life though if you don't want it to be.
Bunny...you sound ace
(And a tad like me? )
I have little in common with the other school gate mums. I don't like gossip, don't do coffee mornings etc.
Don't shop as a leisure activity, am not girly, not interested in celeb culture (there's an oxymoron for you!)
Anyway, just wanted to day you sound perfectly lovely. Remember - It's not you, it's them!
Tits I'm near you I think our youngest dc are similar age.
Bunny I've seen you about too
do you come here often? and also like your posting style/posts.
The other thing about big get-togethers is they tend to all be people from the same setting (often school/university etc). I'm not in touch with my schoolfriends any more which is partly my own fault for not making the effort but also because I moved away <gulp> and they all stayed put. It's not easy to recreate that big group thing unless you've all had a shared experience.
I think a lot of people do 'inane chatter' (or boring-Mummy-talk at baby groups) with people they don't know well. You tend to need to get to know people a bit better before you move onto more interesting/personal topics. I know it gets a bit dull if you're not into Strictly/X-Factor/Eastenders (or BLW/nappies/nursery choices) but maybe you need to persevere rather than writing someone off entirely on the basis of their smalltalk?
this cracked me up, Bunny. I felt very much like you when I had my two oldest. But then I practised the inane chatter bit, and do you know, Diamonds have emerged from the mud! Not sure if I'd repeat it, but now I don't have to. my Secret talent is now inane chatter to bore away unwanted attention So it was win-win in the end...
Badvoc That has been my mantra for years but when everyone around you seems to have a fun social life and you're permanently wearing pyjamas you begin to question where the problem lays!
I'm from Ireland originally and I can see from FB that all my old school friends are still best friends, godmothers to each others babies etc. I envy their long-lasting friendships but I couldn't wait to leave where I grew up. So maybe I've always been weird.
You sound a bit like me, Bunny and I'm 33 as well. I don't like girly holidays and clubbing either and I don't fit into groups of women.
Try not to write off people who are "inane", they may just be doing smalltalk so as not to scare you off. I had a conversation about celebrity big brother at the school gates today. I probably know more about astro physics than celebrities but I gave it my best shot.
I have friends who I have nothing much in common with (think evangelical Christian surrendered wife) but we like each other and enjoy a coffee. Sometimes variety isnice.
turbo I really have tried. I have started friendships and made real efforts with a few different people. But it's never gone anywhere or turned into a real bond. Fizzles out after a few coffees etc.
My text message inbox contains messages from DP, my Mum, my Dad and my brother. SADDO I tells ya .
You know what?
I was on FB for 6 months.
It was quite the most depressing 6 months I have spent.
If people are having that good a time, they wouldn't have time to post about it on FB every 5 minutes ditto posts about their amazing holidays and wonderful families....
And - I hate to break this to you - people lie
I have one proper 'go round to her house for tea' friend on the school run. She looked as non cliquey as me and I took the plunge and spoke to her. She is great.
I now have one of her friends as a friend too.
and no, 1st friend is lovely and doesnt get jealous if we meet without her. we are not at school now.
Got 1 girl friend from when I lived in London still, I see her every couple of years.
And one friend who is the most out there alternative eco hippy lady who was the girlfriend of one of DPs friends
That just about does me. I too see lots of wine and mwah mwah girls night outs and Im glad they are having fun, but I know I wouldnt really want it.
If your not from the samey samey mould then people like you are few and far between, but they are there. and they have a much more interesting lives once you find them.
I think it's much harder to find good female friends than it is men but, truly, the right ones are out there.
I felt wholly isolated when I had both my children. My feelings about school runs and toddler groups mirror mine. I put my world into the home and the world seemed very small and frightening.
Then - whoosh. I met the most amazing group of people through work all of home are opinionated, intelligent and bloody lovely. To be honest, I think friendship takes practice and, when you've fallen off the bike a bit, it's really hard to get back on. Plus, you start exhibiting a fear of bikes, situations where you might meet bikes and - above all - cyclists.
You sound amazing. Sort of like a Raleigh Chopper but with beautiful polka dots and great shoes. I'm sure it wont be long till you are riding in tandem with some people who get you and who you get in return.
Maybe get into first gear by worrying you've doing something wrong. You just need the confidence to get back in the saddle and peddle. Don't be heartbroken if the wheels fall off or if you start with an old shopper rather than a Cube. Let your mud guard down and someone will unlock you pronto.
I've not been drinking BTW.
I think you're just not meeting the right kind of people – or possibly just not getting past the initial-pleasantries stage. Also, TBH, the kind of people who say you're intimidating are probably not people you should lose much sleep over not being friends with; you sound fucking awesome to me, not intimidating. I'd love to meet you and get you to quote films at me and be sarcastic at me (I'd be sarcastic right back).
Sorry, nothing really practical to suggest about how to meet 'your kind of people'. However, if you're ever in the Big Smoke look me up. I'm serious! I think we'd have a hoot
I do quite like Strictly though
Any woman who posts a pic of their legs after getting stuck in a window on an internet site sounds like someone worth hanging out with.
I recognise my own character in your post though I don't do kitsch and I'd guess therein lies the problem: you've set your sights to narrowly. I'm a slightly judgy expat - But I don't always get to be picky: sometimes I have to take what I can get and often when I do I'm pleasantly surprised.
I am near Leeds Bunny
If you're near me I would happily meet up for a coffee!
I know, I know. FB is the work of the devil. And I do raise my eyebrow at people checking in at every bar they go to on a night out. If they were having such a great time they wouldn't have time!
The only thing that stops me from de-registering is that if I did I would literally only talk to the dog and DD all day.
You sound like the kind of person I'd like as a friend Bunny - in fact you have made me lmao before on other threads But then there are loads of people on MN who make me think "why isn't anyone this sarcastic and funny in RL?" They are probably out there but it's hard to open up and show your true colours in that smalltalk situation isn't it.
I also suffered with girl gang bullying when I was growing up and was a "man's woman" for a long time. I only had male friends because I couldn't be arsed with the bitching and neediness and subtle nuances of who was offended and why.
Now, at 44 I'm the total opposite. I made a really good female friend when I was around 25 - my first ever. Actually, she did turn out to be needy and professionally offended and treated me like shit, but somehow it opened a door for me. When she started being vile to me I simply cut her off and I realised friendship isn't about having to please people or fit in, it's about mutual respect. Since then I've made many female friends and felt much more confident.
It's not a bed of roses, I still make friends then realise I need to extricate myself, I still find it takes a lot of effort to get close to people, I still hate smalltalk. And I do have some lovely friends with whom I have to hold myself back, because the full x-rated, swearing, massively opinionated, radical feminist me would be a bit much for them. (Luckily DP and a couple of friends can cope with the full monty)
I would say don't write off women for appearing dull - they may not be underneath. And while men are great, try not to appear to be a man's woman as it can make other women suspicious. And lastly, do or join something to make friends - like a writing group, knitting stitch & bitch group or band/choir. It is much easier to bond and reveal the real you over an activity, rather than through chit-chat.
I quite like chatting to people but it rarely leads to lasting friendship...I have lots of people I like (aquaintances?) but not many I would phone at 2am if I was in trouble.
trice makes a good point, there are other factors in friendship than just similar tastes. Similar ideals, values, sense of humour can be just as important.
But that said, are there any places near you that you'd be more likely to bump into a like-minded person? Places you like to hang out? An indie cinema, a vintage clothes shop, a trendy retro tearoom?
Future you remember my legs????!!!!
SirRaymond I'm in North Leeds but have wheels and too much spare time so happy to travel! Woo!
I like the sound of you Bunny, get yourself down to South Wales. I too have a bitchy resting face and enjoy a dry martini.
I too have aproximately 1 friend and I dont even think she likes me that much. I just can turn aquaintances into friends and at 30 I kind of think everyones already sorted friend wise so wont be wanting to add me to their group. Im in the North East so not too far but also not that close either but if you ever fancy a day trip let me know.
Bunny you sound right up my street...I wish you were. I live in Cheshire.
My first thought reading your op was that Ellie isn't friends with another Ellie. She doesn't hang around with a group of Ellie's. Her best friend is Jules who is completely different.
You sound similar to me Bunny, I've felt that I quite fit in with everyone else, the last night I had out was with DHs colleagues, not exactly a sparkling night out.
I went to a toddler group today, sat with others and then I was ignored- they turned their backs on me.
I've met one mum at a toddler group, she's the total opposite to me in a lot of ways but she is great. I have a friend, new friend.
I only have one friend who understands me and I've known her since I was 12. We see each other maybe a few times a year because she doesn't live in the same town any more.
I have a lot of 'fair weather' friends. People who would profess to be my friend but who I couldn't actually trust. I do feel a bit isolated sometimes.
Bunny have you had counselling about the bullying you've encountered in the past? Maybe that could help? I was also bullied at various times. I know exactly what you mean when you say it seems everyone else is having a great time.
I decided I wanted to meet some new people a couple of years ago and tried the following:-
this is almost like a dating site but for friends. There's lots of different events on each week e.g. drinks, comedy, meals and you just sign up for stuff and turn up. It was quite good but if I'm honest I didn't really make any long lasting friendships. However I did go out to lots of things I wouldn't have done otherwise so it served it's purpose. Also I stopped my subcription (you pay monthly) after a while so perhaps if I'd stuck with it I would have made more friends.
This is a free site and there are all sorts of interest groups. I've joined a walking meetup and a gig meetup - but there's loads of stuff.
I also joined a choir in my area.
www.rockchoir.com (it's nationwide).
What I would say is that you can't expect to instantly have new friends or to force friendships - it does happen over time and for example I've been in the choir for 2 years now and only now feel like I am getting to know people. But if you stick with it and keep going, you will make friends. They might not be 'soulmate' type friends but at least being out and about at stuff beats watching boxsets every night?
I am in the midlands
I have been told I "don't suffer fools gladly"
I mean, Ffs...who does!?
I have decided I shall have a motto.
With a crest and everything.
It shall be
"Honi soi qe mal qe fuck"
Oh, I know Bunny, it took ages. FWIW if inane chatter really sets Your teeth on edge do not persevere for the sake of it. i've just never gotten into groups or cliques either. Every time I thought I got in it turned out i was too weird... it was Luck that I found the ones i did, or maybe just breathless gratitude someone would talk to me! they're all sort of separate though. Dinner parties or anything like that is not happening as i'd just serve toast and ribena.
Not immediately possible for you, but I started studying something i really love and have got stuck into that.
Disclaimer : Haven't read entire thread
It's taken me 5 years of school run to finally connect with 5 others who are like minded. They don't have boys the same age as my PFB and I was trying for too long with PFBs friends mums who are nice but not me, iykwim.
I still have friends from other walks of life but they live further away and see them irregularly. This lot are an eclectic bunch to say the least but I guess our commonality is that we aren't like the others.
So hang on in there, sometimes it just takes time.
Also, is work (or a course with the aim of developing your career?) out of the question - obviously not right now, but it could be something to start planning for when dc2 is old enough for nursery.
Work can great for friendships if you are doing something that attracts like-minded people, and it can give you confidence too.
I wish you were closer to me because you sound like my kind of person! I moved away from my family and for the first year I was so lonely. Still haven't made any real "just come over for a chat" kind of friends but it doesn't bother me so much anymore. The person I used to think was my best friend made it clear she wasn't bothered when I wasnt on hand whenever she was bored and I ditched her eventually. I don't like going to clubs bars or pubs and there's not a lot else to do here.
You sound awesome to me.
Move to Sussex will ya?
If you're a loser, then so am I. I also have the resting bitch face and people find me intimidating, too. I'm soft as clarts, really.
The killer for me is lack of grown up conversation (and I don't mean of the filthy kind - I can get that here on a Friday night). I've been doing some rather interlectewally stimulating voluntary stuff once a month, which breaks things up nicely, even though I'm possibly the youngest one doing it (there's people there 4 decades older than me.)
I'm in Leeds. No time to post now but will check back later.
I am in equal parts relieved and infuriated that there are so many of you like me but so far away .
It must mean there are me people near hear too though.
I have read about those social meet-up websites before but I am terrified! Especially without the social lubricant that is to help steady my nerves!
Your thread's filling up nicely with warm, fluffy posts from women who think you sound ace, Bunny.
Women, see?! If you keep writing us all off as brainless pink princesses, you can be damn sure none of us will go out of our way to prove otherwise. Why the fuck should we? Your OP came across as supercilious to me. If you think you're too smart to be a woman, have a conversation with your genitals. I think you'll find they're female.
Men mostly do light chit-chat about sports and cars. Women tend to do it about children, shopping & skincare. They're just ice-breakers. As you're so cool about kitsch, why can't you converse about that with women? It's shopping, isn't it?
In short - with warmth, but no fluff - get over yourself and open up!
I have a great bunch of close female friends who I could call on in the middle of the night. I've been to two clubs in my whole life, don't talk about soaps or big brother and am definitely not "girly". If you assume all the women you meet are inane or not interesting or "weird" enough then it's not surprising if you find it hard to make friends. Absolutely everyone is weird in some way. Everyone.
You've just described me to a T. I'd be your friend if I didn't live in South Wales.
FWIW, before I knew about MN, I posted a self-pitying 'be my friend' post on NM 'Meet-a-mum', and met two of the best lovely ladies in the world. I don't know what I'd do without them.
I'm sure someone'll pop up soon who lives near you, there seem to be enough of us around :D
I'm in Sussex, but sounds like we'd get on like a house on fire. Could bloody murder a dry martini right now...
I got so lonely that I started going out to the same place at the same time every week, essentially a date with myself (party of one...) but with the hope that I would meet "regulars" in order to strike up a conversation.
I have little interest in school-run Mummy friends. Just because we all have sex at roughly the same time does not a life-long friendship make.
With both citysocializer and meetup there is a 'host' who will usually make a bit of effort to make sure you are ok. Also, everyone there is sort of in the same boat, so people do make an effort to chat.
You should see whether there is anything that interests you on meetup. For example there are book groups and things like that, so if you went along to something like that there would be an obvious common ground to chat about.
I'm not saying you will necessarily meet a BFF, but you will expand your 'network' if that makes sense, and who knows where that could lead!
I do get that it's intimidating but if you are that frustrated with how your life is at the moment friends-wise then I think it's worth doing something outwith your comfort zone.
Bunny can I be your mate too, I wanted to be your mate from the thread title just because referencing beck is cool and then I read your first post and wanted to even more!
I'm in sw Scotland though not w yorks.
I like you OP because you have quoted a beck song in your thread title.
If anyone knows how to make friends at the school gates can they let me in on the secret!
I have one friend and she works opposite hours to me and doesn't live very close by.
Yeah, I'm listening to the album now
I am really by your post bunny-I have chatted to you loads over on s&b under a variety of name changes and I have always thought of you as really cool-definately a Rizzo and not a Sandy!
You were one of my inspirations for thinking fuck it and completely changing the way I dress-ie 50's,pin up style-so cheers for that!
I am nowhere near you sadly and I think I may love pink wine a wee bit too much for us to be true soul mates but I would be happy to be a pen pal or to add you on my fb if you pm me.
Don't feel that you are alone in feeling like this either-ostensibly I have lots of friends,great social life etc. The reality is I only have 1 friend who I would class as a real friend and I often feel lonely and wonder how the fuck did I end up here<tiny violin>
As I've stated in my posts I have put myself out there and tried to forge friendships with all sorts of people. It hasn't worked.
I accept that I am an acquired taste and to be honest I would rather carry on as I am than have 'friends' who I have nothing in common with just for the sake of it.
Nowhere in my OP did I dismiss all women and the interests I mentioned are small parts of my life and not defining characteristics. I want girlfriends. I would love to have someone to go to the cinema with or to museums etc.
I said that I tend to find it easier to get on with men because I see a few of DP's friends every few months. I do not see any women in a social setting. That's not me letting down the sisterhood, it's just my life at the moment. Hopefully it will change soon.
I love you Pin.... oh I mean Dita . I really wish you were closer!
I think having small children does this to some of us. I have only clawed back some semblance of fucking FUN since my kids both started primary school and I went back to work.
No advice, but you sound like my kinda gal .
Another saddo loser signing in.
24, 3 DCs (4,3,4months) and doing a degree. From home. So I still don't meet anyone.
I want people to go to the pub with, just someone to text that isn't DP or my mum and just someone new to talk to.
I don't even care if you want inane chatter. I would quickly google cbb whilst waiting for coffee <needy>
We've lived here (Northampton) for a year. DS has been at the school 4 months and I've spoken to maybe one person at the gates.
Being a grown up sucks.
Bunny you're not alone!
Do you notice bunny that people are saying "I'll be your friend, I like...martini/beck/50s style. That is not what friendship is about. My friends and I have quite different tastes. We like each other not how cool or weird we are.
I also look permanently pissed off. Even when I'm not. This doesn't help the social outcast situation
I haven't rtft yet, but Bunny I think I love you to
I will rtft now
I have loads of casual friends but I think I put lots of people off being a closer friend as I am loud and tend to laugh way too much even when its really not appropriate. Actually I have been told I cackle
I accept that I am an acquired taste and to be honest I would rather carry on as I am than have 'friends' who I have nothing in common with
OK, well this is what's going wrong I think. Everybody's an acquired taste. Those moments when you happen into a group of people who just click, and are instantly close, are rare & precious. In between those times, we get friendly with assorted folks on the basis that you have to start a network somewhere - and if they like you, they'll introduce you to people they feel you might like.
You don't want to cut any slack for women whom you don't see as your type. I consider this self-limiting, but you're entitled to your own attitudes. All the same, you either have to start a 50s revival club and hope suitable people come along, or carry on being yourself - in a friendly way - with the women you do meet.
How come you & DH never talk to women?
I apparently comment inappropriatly (sp )
No love. It's called truthfully.
I'm beginning to see why I have no friends!
* I hate shopping. I hate romcoms and pink wine. I would rather eat my own head than go out clubbing in a big group of girls. I don't watch soaps or I'm a Celebrity. Hen dos bring me out in hives*
trust me you are not alone
I want to be bunny's friend
I meant to say: Everybody's an acquired taste, but you're not allowing enough time & space for the acquisition!
First time I met my closest local friend she was talking about bloody Made in Chelsea! I could have written her off as not my kind of person but I didn't and now two years later (and yes it can take that long) she is one of my best friends. I genuinely love her. But if she opens her mouth about MIC I tell her to STFU
I hate shopping, i hate romcoms, but i don't mind pink wine - i prefer a good pint of real beer or a JD and coke but i'll not throw it back at you if you offer me wine what is pink Clubbing - oh perlease? I hated it when i was younger, im not about to be the granny on the grab a granny night.
Thing is, vegging on the sofa watching box sets with DP sounds like bliss
Hahahaha....was thinking you sounded great and I'd love to be your friend. Then you blew it by saying you hate shopping and pink wine. Me and you could never be friends.
Seriously...I think you're being hard on yourself and maybe trying to find a certain type of friend. You sound great and if I met you at a toddler group/ out through mutual mates I know I'd like to chat to you, despite our differences....(seriously- you don't like ANY Rom coms???)
"How come you & DH never talk to women?"
Where have I said that?! . I said we don't socialise with women because the only socialising we do together is when a friend of his comes round to drink beer and watch films. Maybe once every 3 months.
DP goes to work and talks to plenty of women. And men. He comes home, we watch telly.
I take DD to school and walk the dog. I say hello to women and men.
We have no childcare so never go out together. He goes to his mate's house once a week to eat vegan food and watch Game of Thrones. I stay at home with DD.
That is our life. It's isolating and puts a lot of pressure on us as we are together 90% of the time.
That is precisely what I want to change. I want my own friends. I want a life outside of the house.
oh, and you want to go to museums and cinema???
I really want to be bunny's friend now.
Add message | Report | Message poster CailinDana
Do you notice bunny that people are saying "I'll be your friend, I like...martini/beck/50s style. That is not what friendship is about. My friends and I have quite different tastes. We like each other not how cool or weird we are.
Exactly. If you told me 10 years ago I would be friends with a Tory councillor I'd have eaten my hat.
I go to the cinema on my own
Similar with my friends Cailin. If I only wanted friends with similar tastes to me I'd be fishing from a very small pool - of weirdos, quite honestly, a lot of the time. I think after a couple of incidents where you take certain tastes as a shorthand for "is a decent person" and they turn out to be bonkers/racist/etc, you stop wearing you're "I'm weird, me" badge of honour quite so much.
Can you get a hobby? not cupcake making or fecking crochet but something you've always wanted to do? Then you would meet people with similar interests?
I do know what you mean, but the longest lasting friends in my life are the people i worked with at uni (PhD rather than degree - it was more of a workplace than study place if that makes sense). I find it impossible to make friends with other mums at the school. Don't get past the superficial - but honestly, i'd rather that than make small talk about what blinds they have had fitted or their new kitchen.
I had the impression you & DP went out together, meeting his (male) friends only. You've now explained that isn't the case. Thanks.
OK, well your thread's found a whole bunch of Mumsnetters who self-define in the same way as you! Hope it works out for you all
I think you sound fabulous too BUT if you want some brutal commentary...I reckon people think you think you are better than them and I think they are right!
Your posts scream 'I'm more different, intelligent, high brow, quirky, funny' than everyone else so no-one 'gets me'.
You do know most of us are self-conscious, awkward, weirdo loonies inside our heads whether we have hundreds of friends or none?
Personally , I have the most staggering case of bitchy resting face, I hate rom coms, I'm sarcastic and intolerant...yet I have lots of friends and a great social life because I accept not everyone is going to be exactly to my liking, that I have to smile and put myself out there and I will make small talk if that's the way to deeper talk. It takes new people a long time to 'get me' too but they do in the end!! I am also lucky as I have a core group of very old, very close friends who love me warts and all and I them. We are all very different.
So if you are honestly looking for advice, you need to be braver and friendlier and hang on in there. Be a good listener too and don't judge people too harshly or write them off straight away...
I don't mean any of this offensively...I think you sound bloody marvellous.
I'm finding this thread a bit difficult to post on. We have a lot in common Bunny, including being an acquired taste - but how do people who are acquired taste get past that bit to actually being friends?
Any chance you want to go see 12 years a slave? I want to but DH doesn't.
Another one signing in. I started a near identical thread on New Year's Eve. Everyone was so lovely.
It's hard when you have a dry sense of humour and appear confident. I think people assume you don't need more friends.
I'll be your friend. But I too am far away. I loathe shopping, talking babies, all girly activities. I am very sarcastic and a pushover too.
One of my hobbies is make-up. I spend quite a bit of time following YouTube tutorials and doing crazy make-up. It doesn't really get me out of the house though. Hmmm.
Cinema, museums, galleries - I like to think I'm fairly cultured and can hold my own on most topics. History and architecture and travel are more of my interests. I'd love to have a girl's weekend away somewhere beautiful someday. We travel as a family and it's great but other travel mates would be more than welcome.
I don't have a great deal of friends either and get FB fatigue/jealousy. I am in touch with no one at all from school/uni/work, my last group of friends I used to see when I met DP collectively transformed into bastards over something and that was kind of that. I was shit at baby and toddler groups too. My youngest DD is 3 now and I don't miss them one bit.
I read on a similar thread a couple of years ago, someone said that they felt even vague acquaintance type relationships should be worked at because they're important too, even when you have very little in common. Just having links to people nearby is valuable, if you ever need a favour - or can offer favours, it's nice to have a network however bland it might be sometimes.
That struck a chord with me, I do tend to lose interest in potential friendships when you realise there's very little common ground. So I did just that, faked it, smiled and said hi and how are you and chatted about bollocks with people. I have one firm friend as a result, we are chalk and cheese - she is wine with the girls and spa days, I am soooooo not. But somewhere along the line something clicked and we get on, and have more in common than I would have imagined. One friend isn't a lot I'll agree but it's a start.
I have days when I do the school run and think, oh for fucks sake I wouldn't give a shit if I never saw any of you again - does that sound awful? but then someone will recall something from a past conversation that shows actually it's not all as shallow as you might think and all these little interactions add up to something. It's a start anyway. I said above that I hated baby groups, they were better with DD (DC2) when meeting others on second/subsequent babies because the desire to talk about nappies etc isn't so strong in the first place and it can be easier to talk about more interesting things. Like school places and book bands
I think most people have a handful or fewer of 'true' friends - ie they could call them at 3am. I have 2 close friends (as in I could talk to them about anything) but they live away. I've definately been burnt by 'friends' in the past who have taken far more than they gave but I can see where I perhaps went wrong as well.
I have made new friends through a couple of hobbies that I have taken up in the last 9 months and the girls there are the ones who are coming for a birthday lunch.
I have never been the popular one (looking back I have been a bit too serious and wound up tight) but I seem to be loosening up a bit, though I will never be a clubber or a girly girl.
I find it a bit easier to not get massively involved with people. As in: have a laugh with them, go out for coffee etc but don't get overly wound up about the choices they are making, even if you think you can see where they are going wrong!
I would definately recommend a hobby/volunteering when dc and time permit.
I don't really get the idea that your friends need to like all of the same things you do. You do sound absolutely lovely- and I would so be your friend, but we would have to click on some level; RuPaul and bourbon do not sustain a friendship. I appreciate these comments are tongue in cheek but you need to cast your net a bit wider.
I'm very lucky to be part of a big gaggle of girls in my university town who I could always go out or do something with. I have one amazing childhood friend who I see every 3 months, and 2 girls from secondary school who I am really close with. In that big pool of people, I can't think of someone who likes all of the same programs I do, and drinks the same thing that I do
unless one of the bitches decides that my naice vodka in the freezer will do when she's out of cheap cider. We may like a few of the same bands and will occasionally want to see the exact same thing at the cinema, but we're not the same.
Realistically- you aren't going to make that forever magical friend on the school run or bump into her at Sainsburys. You'll have to try one of the sites someone suggested, or slot yourself into a set up where people make friends; education or work. Behold, staff parties, nights out, chatting to adults every day (or part time, or one evening a week, whatever!)
I can imagine SAHMumdom being very isolating if you don't have friends to call on and soft play makes you want to drink bleach. I know you're pregnant at the moment, but could you perhaps do some volunteering on an evening?
I would read over some of your posts again, and consider if you are being a bit judgemental.
I am a neurotic workaholic with a steady DP who loves museums and art galleries; this does not people I consider pink wine drinking, clubbing serial shaggers the right sort to be my friend. I have dear dear friends who are all hun and babes, but I love them.
I wouldn't put people you consider cool on a pedestal too much. People who I should find 'my sort', who would probably love to walk around the Tate Britain or watch a subtitled film, can still be seriously utter wankers who speak more dross than even the most avid of X-Factor watchers.
* this doesn't mean that pink wine drinking, clubbing serial shaggers aren't the right sort to be my friend
I am shit at typing
I am being judgemental Awful. I admit as much in my OP.
It's my biggest character flaw and I'm trying really hard to change it.
I am taking all comments on board, positive and negative. And blubbing to DP like a loon.
I agree it is true you don't have to have everything in common with a good friend.
I have a friend who is a gentle, sweet-natured Christian, I'm a rampant atheist. I have a friend who disagrees with vaccination and has not vaccinated her kids – I deeply disagree with that, and tread carefully with her on that subject, but we get on in many ways. Another friend is about to send her DC to private school - again I have some major ishoos with that, but it would be a daft reason to reject someone out of hand when they can be a good friend.
There are some deal-breakers, and some friendships end, but the above aren't among them. So if you're thinking "not my type" based on things like this, you could be missing out on true friendships.
I think this is one of those threads you post when you're feeling a bit low and think 'I need friends! I need a social life!' and then when people start posting and offering you realise, actually, all that shit is pretty hard work, and decide not to bother .
I don't know, I'm proof that you can change from being in Bunny's position to having friends. I have become less judgmental (MN has helped with this too), more open-minded and more confident over time, I think Bunny can do the same.
It is hard to get past growing up being bullied. It does affect many people's lives in ways exactly like this.
mostly I am completely willing to make the effort and to risk my dignity and put myself out there.
I just don't know where to start!
Will have a mooch for local friend making sites. No harm in looking!
Thank you Queen.
I was hugely affected by my Mean Girl experiences. They changed the whole course of my life and my personality.
I think it has made me doubtful and suspicious about female friends. About my ability to make them and their ability to not fuck me over.
Obviously logically I know that I was unlucky and that women are fantastic. MN is daily proof of that.
But my issues still kick in .
I've just joined one of the friend making sites and it says 'You are the only person from X who has joined this site' typical
Ok, well in that vein I'll risk my dignity and point out that I offered to go to the cinema with you earlier in the thread...
right then - come to brighton 2016 and we'll get drunk - you do like to get drunk right?
Pick a film, let me know and I'll turn up and represent MN for you
not in a stalkerish way obvs
But not a horror film. I can't do those.
I don't wear make-up because I am no good at it, am waaay older than you and I knit. We have nothing in common. It'll be a disaster and make you happier with your sofa.
Actually, I'll bring my new neighbour who is younger and funky and has a 19 month old and needs to get out more as well.
Then you can form a quiche together and I will retire vanquished back to my half-knitted cardigan.
There you go - how much more fun could you want?
mostly Sorry, this thread is moving faster than my tiny brain can keep up with!!
Are you local?! <<channels Tubbs>>
I would love to go and see 12 Years a Slave!
Custardo getting drunk is only like my favourite activity in the world!
I've never been to Brighton either - it's a date .
Yep, am local. I'll pm you
Bunny, is there is a roller derby club near you? I know you are pregnant and can't actually play, and I've never been because I hate going fast and falling over, but I quite a few friends who do it and it is full of quirky oddball women who mostly join at least partly to make new friends. You can go along and support even if you can't join in until you have a baby old enough to escape from.
And it's worth persevering work the baby groups. The fourth toddler group I went to has given me some of my very closest friends. We started of talking about nappies and boobs but nowadays are more likely to talk about politics or whiskey.
Try to move from 'Judgemental' into 'Discerning'.
I have sort of been in your position: two years ago I moved country, and didn't even speak the language. I lost the group of friends I had made in the previous city: one of those I met because we were both breast feeding twins but now we are friends because we share the same values and enjoy the same sport.
For me a key skill is getting past the dross conversations at the Mummy groups. I talk to everyone, and love finding out what they think. So I ask them! If they show any potential for friend I say - we should meet for coffee, and then we arrange it. I don't have a "group of friends" (zero Wendy potential) but am on the fringes of others' "Group". It has been a massive effort, and tiring (and when your best ex-pat friend goes to New Zealand, pretty gutting) but the alternative is unacceptable to me.
It takes time to get to know people. It was over a year before I found out one of my new friends has an Astro Physics degree. And the person who dresses like you: well she is doing a Ph.D is Early European Law.
Book Clubs were also good for me (Although there was a corking AIBU a while ago that suggests this isn't always the case!). Also agree wrt sport and volunteering.
You're looking for a friend- not a soulmate, so surely they will be permitted a few foibles <<as she puts the sparkling rosé in the fridge>>
soy un perdedor
You got my attention with THAT
My tastes aren't the same, but I like the sound of the things you like and hate the things you do.
I think you sound ace. I kind of 'know' you from your posting history.
I'd be your friend. I'm about 50 miles down the m62 from you. Stop wallowing in self pity and crack out the wine
Bunny, I was going to say move to Ireland, we'll 'get' your sarcasm and intolerance of idiots, and there you are, Irish.
I too could have written your post except for the Kitch and the lines from films, I've the memory of a goldfish.
I couldn't wait to move away. Moved back last year to my home city where I know no-one. How sad was that? Not the move, the no friends.
I just dived in at the school gates (after tentative toe dipping for a couple of weeks). The initial acquaintances have stayed just that. But I have found 2 great friends, one who I love a little bit! I've also started going to the PTA meetings, not fruitful to date but I'm persevering.
Contemplating bridge lessons for one night away from DH and the boxsets.
I do love shopping, but as a solo exercise only. And have sent sick notes to more then one hen do.
I was once called an 'ice maiden' at work. That is so not what I'm like. I'm just not good with small talk, it bores me to tears and I find that I'm making all the bloody effort. The amount of times I have come home full of information about someone and they haven't asked me one question in return. by the same token, they might think I'm a nosy cow with a bitch face (my resting face is cross).
So anyone in Southern Ireland like Bunny, looking for a friend?
Bunny - You had me at Martini......(always with an olive)
I'm another one who could have written your OP except I have the added annoyance of being single so have to sit watching TV with only the cats for company once the dcs are in bed.
I'm trying not to be as judgy as I have been ( but it's so haaaarrd, there are so many things just asking to be judged!) and spend time on my ownsome at films, theatres, galleries and museums, but it's just not the same without some mates to share it with.
I'm probably too far away to be much RL use but can always be a virtual taste and wit judgement conspirator!
I have been productive!
I've joined CitySocializer and am chatting to lovely local MNers as we speak with a view to potential meets and stuff!
I honestly thought no-one would reply to my self indulgent ramblings and have been overwhelmed by the responses.
If I could drink I would have a Cougar Town style glass .
Oh my god this is my life I am 32 and have one yes one friend
Forgive me if it's too personal a question but do you think your persona is a shield you use to protect yourself?
Mavis why are you not nearer??!
We could have post-baby dry Martinis, dirty with an olive. Oh yeah.
I have no friends, just family I am the youngest of four - we all live very near to one another.
I am in touch with no school friends, only those who I happen upon through my childrens' schools.
But I am very kind and friendly in a non pushy way.
I don't know why i'm like this, people seem to like me, but I don't have any friends.
It makes me sad, i'm quite tearful about it now, actually.
Almond finger, do you mean Southern Ireland as in ireland? Or do you live in the south of ireland?
Oh god that sounds fab! <cats have buggered off, sitting on my own now>
When you're post small baby stage there will have to be a meet up planned. Cultural daytime gallery/museum thing with conversations cross referencing "oh, did you see the blah blah blah show at the wotsit place" followed by massive noir based cocktail piss up. Possibly followed by an ironic kebab.
Beverly c'mere <<hugs>>
It's rubbish isn't it? Where abouts are you?
Fwiw I'm not in Ireland - I'm in W Yorks but more than willing to travel for a good natter/party/film .
you sound sparky and interesting, but a bit too cool for school - like you would run a mile if you met scruffy socially awkward intense ole me. I do get how hard it is to get past the toddler group direly boring small talk onto anything non little kid/competitive parenting related.
I am not in any way too cool for school or uppity in real life Light.
I dress a bit different and wear
too much makeup on the school run but am smiley and chatty and polite.
You have basically described me. I have a core group of school friends that I have known for 18 years but they are spread out all over the country and the world. I am shy and have never got on with women that well as I don't seem to have much in common with them, hate shopping, prefer camping to hotels etc. I have recently started going to baby groups and no, the people there are not my usual cup of tea but I have found a couple that don't talk through their babies that I see outside the groups. Perhaps it's luck, try again with number two, you might meet someone else you click with. One of my school friends who lives a few hours from me is giddy with excitement because she has finally found a friend through baby group after two years! Other than colleagues if you work baby groups are your only option right now...unless you get a hobby, join or start a club. Start a club! A dinner party club, a book club, film club, whatever! X
I think you might possibly BE me
If you are, in fact, Lorelai Gilmore then it is entirely possible.
I'm in Leeds (Headingley)
You sound like me. I totally fail at the baby group thing, always have. I see other people making friends there and it does baffle me a bit. I always come home and whinge to DH about it. I dunno if I am maybe too friendly? Or thin? Or maybe my jokes are weird? My one DD is 3 and in preschool and I don't have to do it anymore, thank fuck, but I meet zero new people and my only contact with the outside world is twitter. As a result I am a shite mum who is just staring at her phone all day.
PM me if you want to meet up. I like the 50's style but don't rock it much myself (however I do make my own clothes from vintage patterns - yeah try dropping that in conversation during a play & learn session). It would be lovely to go for a drink. If you PM me I'll give you my twitter name and you can stalk me a bit first if you like
Oh fuck. I just checked my messages. In the last week I've had 8 from my bank, 3 from DH and 6 from DS2 telling me how he's travelling always SHOUTING
must teach him how to uncap. Not even my DM wants to be my friend <self indulgent pity party>.
Oh. And I have to start with the school gates again in September with DS4. I tried and failed 3 times already to make friends.
I like the sound of you. I would stalk you and your 50s attire at the gates of doom. Though you'd think I was odd as my resting face channels my inner bulldog. I'd love to go to museums and drink martini. I quite fancy your armoury tbh. Sadly you're 250 miles away.
Erm. I just joined a hockey team and now am friends with a bunch of teenagers. They take me for gin, remind me I'm older than their Mum and compare bruises for a social life. No pals pals yet but I sure feel better being out of the house.
Ahhhh you is me 15 years ago. I left my city home, job with friends, family, fun and moved to another county. No job, no friends no fun. It took me 4 years to make mates. And then one of them said "oh we used to see you at school and think you looked interesting" oh ffs. Now I've grown out of them again. I wish you lived in the next county, I could be your older, wiser, funny friend, I also love whiskey. (Dd could babysit, she lives in Gilmour Girl land) but there are some lovely people on here and it sounds like you won't be lonely long.
can we not start a lonely (yet funny, clever and witty) support group on here?
I could have written your post. I get very upset by my friendlessness sometimes, and then other times, defeated because I don't want to spend time with many of the people I know.
Tedious and tiring. And that's just me!
I've got to say, that whilst I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it is an immense relief to know that others feel like his - it is, by its nature, so isolating...
You can feel isolated and alienated and lonely even if you have lots of friends and family close by. I do most definitely,
Though I'm fairly sociable I feel awkward, stupid, guilty, annoyed, irate, sad, disappointed by people on an hourly basis!
Sorry for anyone feeling low or lonely
Another one here! I have about 2 friends and I'm 28 which makes me feel even more of a saddo as your 20's are meant to be the time of your life. My favourite person to hang out with is my Dad and I deleted my facebook as it made me annoyed that everyone was having too much fun!
Bunnylebowski, you come across as a person who expects too much of other people and too little of yourself. You seem to expect other people to immediately accept you as you are, a special and "quirky" individual, but do not seem able to grant others the same treatment. I was a bit like you, and equally I had no friends. Slowly I learned that everyone has faults, and quirks, and everybody believes themselves to be special... me included, and that in order to have a true friendship I had to accept people with their little faults and eccentricities, if I expected others to accept mine. That person that you define as having "at least mild homophobic and racist tendencies" may very well think that you have "at least mild narcissistic and egotistical tendencies" believe me, you come across like that on your OP). None of those judgements, though, are enough to exclude a friendship. Instead of focusing of what you don't approve of in one potential friend, focus in what you get from that friendship. If you are true to yourself, many times you will find that the other person has no reason to be your friend, because you are expecting them to "prove themselves to you" before you even consider them "friend material".
In order to gain true friends, you have to change mentality. You have to give really without expecting anything back for a period of time, the "getting to know" time. You need to give them chances, not let them go as soon as you find a "fault" to focus on. Of course that time can't be forever, but it has to be for a period of time during which both of you will be learning from one another. If you judge a potential friend too soon on their "faults", you won't give that person enough time to show their pros, and you will be dismissing your own faults.
I don't "suffer idiots" either. But with time I have come to realise that some of those who I judged as "idiots" were not, and in fact, at the time I was the biggest idiot.
<doesn't feel hurt that offers of film-going have been ignored>
Addendum: getting together in this thread with other people like you and laugh about how special you are and how other people don't get you, and that being as you are is alright, will not help you. It may make you feel better and accepted while in this thread. But it won't give you friends or make you happier when you close this window. These people who "are like you" and "would love to be your friend" will not become your friends, because if you got to meet them, would be as harsh judging you in person as you are judging others. People who agree with you here and tell you there's nothing wrong with you may feed your ego, but won't give you solutions. And the fact is, you wrote this OP because you are not happy with your situation. Give it a thought.
HowGood - I've PMed you .
aurynne Thank you for your input.
I have openly admitted my failings in this thread and that I am working on changing them.
I am a wonderful person and I don't need to completely compromise my identity in order to fit in in this world. This thread with it's 99% positive responses has proved that.
If there is anyone else I have overlooked please PM me and I will reply straight away .
<leaves Bunny to sort out Leeds-MN field trip>
<pats aurynne soothingly>
<retires to bed>
bunny, you're perfectly normal....keep it up darling X
"I am a wonderful person" -- I think this statement is a great example of the reasons you may find making friends hard. Whether you are a wonderful person or not is not for you to decide... it's for others, based in your behaviour towards them. Wonderful people have wonderful friends. In real life, not in the internet.
This thread reminds me of a forum for "love shy" guys I happened to come across once... Every single one of them looking for support in a community that was just perpetuating the problem by encroaching very miserable people in their own self-perpetuating behaviours.
Anyway, I'm going now. Good luck!
Only one last comment: "this thread with its 99% positive responses" has just proved you have managed to attract others like you to a thread in the internet... which has not, and will not, solve your initial problem. it is exactly what happens in the internet.
You don't know me and, to be honest, are the only person coming across badly on this thread.
I am a wonderful person. That is fact, not opinion. I am a wonderful mother, a wonderful partner, a wonderful daughter and a wonderful sister. I help old ladies on to the bus, make strange kids laugh with funny faces and bake cakes for people I don't know at DP's work. I even pick up my dog's poo and always tip the hairdresser.
And I will be a wonderful friend when I meet the right people.
Since you clearly have nothing constructive or even polite to offer I suggest you leave us nice productive people to it.
Oh and with you calling me judgemental while simultaneously writing possibly the most judgemental post I've ever read on MN, you might want to look up hypocrisy.
Bunny please don't beat yourself up over this! You sound fab!
I joined a women's group and now have 4 close friends for about 5 years now. They were actually offshoots off the group. Have also met friends through work.
There is nothing wrong with you at all!
Ps SP (various user name is in Leeds I know she's younger than you but she sounds such a good laugh!
Ps Aurynne you're kicking OP whilst she's down. Really not needed!
Right I'm off to watch Vic and Bob in bed.
Thank you everyone for being so lovely and supportive. I feel a million times more positive than I did this morning .
Aww Bunny I admire your honesty and bravery in this thread, I hope it gets you further forward. I wish I was closer to Leeds - you sound great! Plus I'm another older knitter with no make up skills so would be company for HowGood
Are there are any London MNers also wishing they could join the Yorkshire hook up?
bunny think you need to get ya kitsch ass and made up face to Norwich for the next Bonanafana social club event (google it). The friendliest night out I've ever known! x
Taking friend making advice from the friendless is madness but I think it might just have worked. While you sound lovely bunny I wonder whether you've forgotten how much time and effort is involved in real friendships. I've no idea how people manage it. With my job, kids, husband, family and old friends there's barely room for an acquaintance never mind new actual proper friends. I went through a similar quest at a crisis point when all my close friends decided to move all around the world just as I was preggars with number 2. The friends were made but were a little bit panic buy and then when I realised I didn't actually have time I had to spend time extracting myself from the groups without losing the friends ahhhh. I just think good friends happen eventually just with timing and luck. And your not bland (praise jesus) so your not everyone's cup of tea and most of them aren't your particular brand so it'll just happen a little less often for you.
It is OK to have a small but close group of friends. Honest! Some people prefer smaller friendship groups and I'm one of them.
Are there any vintage shops near you? Maybe any vintage nights at haberdashery/dressmaking places - although it might be Cath Kidstony twee shit.
I am in the East Midlands but you do sound great - but I barely drink (although I do enjoy alcohol - I just have a baby face and no ID so never bother outside of Christmas!), quite enjoy shopping/clothes and the odd rom com. I'm still an intelligent, sarcastic, film and museum loving woman. It is possible to like cultured and 'uncultured' things. I find small talk awkward though.
(I am 25 btw, chronically depressed layabout who's supposed to be a student )
I think describing yourself as a wonderful person is a good thing though Aurynne - it's ridiculous how women are supposed to have no confidence in themselves.
Ah Bunny, I have liked you from afar ever since I first clocked your username all those years ago. The Big Lebowski has been my favourite film for about 15 years now. I often quote it
I found myself nodding along to your op. I am 31, a pinkhaired, geeky, metal head, weirdo twat (I love kitsch and the 50s/60s pin up style and delved into it myself a few years back but wasn't girly enough to keep it up).
I am generally socially awkward with new people/situations but get a couple of whiskeys down my gullet and I open up, chat with all kinds and crack a few funnies along the way. Which is a feat in itself as my humour tends to be on the darker side, sarcastic with a splattering of innuendos and Simpsons quotes thrown in.
So I don't have that much of a problem meeting new acquaintances when I do actually venture out of my house, it's the keeping in touch and not letting the friendship fire sputter out that I am totally shite at.
Most of the people on my fb list (and there are only about 60) I have not seen in 2 or more years. I have one good friend and The Mister that I see regularly, that is it.
I chat to a handful of the school mums but I mostly keep myself to myself. It's a very small school and in a quite multicultural affluent area. I probably get a couple of cat's bum mouths when I rock up in my Lamb of God shirt but in all honestly I don't give a fuck. When I do make small talk I am friendly and polite.
So yeah, I guess what I and seemingly many others on this thread is that you are not alone in your situation. And it's cool to read that you have made some sociable steps already.
If I were not on the otherside of the world I would meet up with you. You seem to be my type of person
Bunny and BearsBeets, I could have written your posts (except for the pink hair, I'm between colours right now, the joys of breastfeeding, huh?).
And yea to school run hell, I'm torn between struggling to make an effort (difficult when I don't speak "haircuts and holidays") and questioning whether it's worth struggling to cultivate friendships when I clearly have little in common with anyone.
On that note, anyone wanting to talk MMA or H.P. Lovecraft who doesn't min keeping 9 month old hours, I'm over here... waves hand
Bunny you sound great, and I am judgmental and cooler than everyone else too. Also a sahm watching box sets with DH every night. I am between Manchester and Leeds, so not a million miles away. Will PM you.
<imagines Vic & Bob in bed, suspects there would be a pork pie within reach>
I did a Myers Briggs personality test awhile ago and that gave me a short term lift.
In the right group I flourish and admire many people for having opposite traits. The whole mother & baby group just did n't suit my way of thinking (my first MN post in 2005 was AIBU to hate going to M&T groups). My top tips are:
Go to the active groups, like swimming, rather than the small talk ones.
Ditch the groups and take baby to museums, galleries etc - when Exeter museum closed for refurb I cried! My girls treat the Eden Project like a local park.
The Big Scream - daytime cinema, baby's welcome too.
I need help now as a SAHM during term time. The best thing I've done recently was a trip round a water treatment plant, it was funny and interesting but I would have loved to have had some company to pretend to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle with.
Ow! Bunny I'll be your friend, you sound right up my street!
and have ended up quite damaged and I think self-protective because of it
My only comments is I thunk that its worth looking again at what happended when you were a young un, and how this affects relationships today???
we carry our bagggage with us like a fucking ten ton rucksack, if this is bothering you I strongly advise you get some therapy OP
as it might be that you have a too fast reaction to people???
and you are NOT the only person who feels like this, SAHM is a hard and lonely job XXXX
Wow, Bunny you sound excellent.
I hate anything girly, I hate doing the things most people seem to think of as fun, I'm a high functioning lefty introvert who loves art and culture, rarely leaves the house my winged eyeliner, and would never in one hundred million years watch a rom com.
I feel really uncomfortable with the 'girly' aspects of being pregnant, why am I supposed to dumb down just because I'm going to give birth in a few weeks? My best friend lives over 5 hours away, it sucks.
On the plus side, my Resting Bitch Face means that not one single person (outside 2 close relatives) has tried to touch my massive bump.
Let me raise you, and everyone else who feels like this, a glass of single malt. We're not alone.
TawdryTatou I would just like to say "resting face of a grieving cod" has made me giggle like a loon every time I've thought of it since. Going to use.
I see CailinDana and Aurynne's points, Bunny, and while I sympathise with your current loneliness, I think your last response to Aurynne was unpleasant and unfair. You did post at length on an internet forum bemoaning your loneliness and asking how to make friends, and in response she posted a couple of thoughtful responses which were not character assassinations, but efforts to make you see your friendship problems in a different light. Now you seem to have cast her as one of the bullies that blighted your teens, when she probably wrote the single most insightful post on the entire thread.
It's lovely that you feel cheered by the other posts on the thread, and there's nothing at all wrong with a bit of internet anonymous ego massage from time to time, but I think you should at least consider what she said, rather than get defensive.
I hear you absolutely on not compromising your essential identity in order to make friendships. (I agree with you, for what it's worth. I make friends seldom and carefully, and I haven't made any where I've lived for the past year, because I'm currently a full-time writer who sees no one, and those few I have met, via local toddler groups, have wanted to discuss TV, diets and child development, which bore me to tears. My true friends are scattered all over the world, as we move around a lot.)
I also think your posts here show a significant 'split' in how you think about yourself.
On the one hand, you say your wonderfulness is a 'fact', and present yourself as a cool, hard-drinking, wise-cracking 50s pin-up type, whose chief friendship problem is that you can be intimidating and judgemental. On the other hand, you also present yourself as a lonely, bored SAHM who does nothing but resentfully watch box sets with your husband and become depressed by other people's Facebook updates. Which is it? Or is the truth somewhere between the two? Would you want to be friends with the lonely, bored, TV-addict SAHM you are describing, or would you write her off as uninteresting and banal?
I think you can be that interesting person inside, but not have much of an outlet for it. I also think I'm intelligent, quirky, arty and sarcastic; I also watch telly with DP most evenings. I love clothes, but I rarely dress up and go out. I'm creative and would love to be in a band, going to galleries all the time, going to arty cinemas, staying up till 4 am talking about literature over whisky. But I can't - because I have small DC, no family support, our money goes on nursery fees and mortgage, and after work/childcare or both all day, I'm knackered.
That is just what it can be like at this stage of life and you can find yourself an isolated billy no mates who doesn't get out much. It doesn't mean who you are has just vanished though.
Hi I agree with bookroomred that you were pretty mean to Aurelyne (spelling sorry) who was trying to help and look at it from a different perspective.
You do sound scarred from childhood bullying, I know I would be., as problems with adult friendships has affected mr deeply, and it seems like your 'look' including 50's make-up etc is partly an armour - not sure why you say you are not a girly girl, as you love 50's fashion and make up.
You seem like a normal person to me, as nice or not nice as anyone else who comes along.
glad you are going to make an effort to make real friends now but don't discount other mums. Talking about children can be tedious, but it is a stage of life that is easier to go through if you have other friends 'going through' the same thing. And as others have said once the small talk is done, underneath you will find people from all walks of life and yes who also like art, museums, galleries etc. You will find party animals with outrageous pasts, lovely Christians, people who have a crush on Lenin (of communist Russia fame) people running arts events and fashion house bosses with a degree in physics... All examples of mums I know. It takes a while to get to know people properly.
I don't have many close friends from DC's school but am friendly enough so that I get to go out once in a while and form closer friendships if that is what happens.
Good luck with everything
That's exactly it QueenThora.
I have no outlets for the many sides of my personality and the numerous things I'd like to do.
Like you I love getting glammed up and going out: I simply don't have anyone to go out with.
The staying in and talking over whiskey I was doing with DP pre-pregnancy and it was fun but it's still not a break from real life.
I think I put all my energies into our relationship and for many years that relationship was enough to fulfill all my needs but now I definitely want my life with DP and my own life outside the house.
Hopefully the ball is rolling now though . I feel great today!
Yes you can lose yourself quite a lot with young children to look after.
OP, I haven't read the rest of the thread because I am at work, but from reading it I'd LOVE to be friends with you.
I'm very girly but also a bit like you. Prefer being friends with men. Hate crap TV. Hate hen dos (make excuses to get out of them) and I have been known to run for my life in the school playground to escape a coffee morning. I also find it hard to make friends since my old friends scattered to the wind.
If you're a bit like me the best way to bond is while pissed. it takes down your natural barriers
I am sure this is useless advice, but just a bit of support. You sound far less annoying than most people!
(I have a theory that people will small numbers of friends are just selective and am sticking with that) remember you only need to bond with one person and it opens up the world. It's not easy when you dont have childcare.
Good post BookroomRed - I think you perhaps put it more helpfully than Aurynne. I see a lot of myself as I was a few years ago in what you describe.
I also thought, while we're on this armchair-psychology-over-the-internet kick, that it was interesting that Bunny read Aurynne's first post as a suggestion that she compromise her identity. Doing a bit of tedious small talk and being patient with others' unappealing traits may or may not turn out to be worth your time investment, but it's not going to "compromise your identity" unless your identity is pretty fragile. It sounds like something a teenager would say.
Hi Bunny I am not too far from you, I'm in Halifax!
I don't live where I grew up, so while I have acquaintances, I don't have a best friend or anything, as everyone seems to have other friends already.
I hate the school yard and making polite conversation, I find it very stressful. I can be very quiet until you get to know me, and I can be very sarcastic but people just don't get me!
I was bullied all through high school and find it hard to trust people too.
I love shopping, but don't have the money to do it! And I prefer to shop alone anyway, so wouldn't drag friends along
I don't drive but could get the train to Leeds if you want to meet sometime.
TawdryTatou...resting face of a grieving cod ...
I think I am your resting face twin, except I have jowls too <attractive>
Feel the same as lot on this thread. I still remember the hellish mothers' group session about 5yrs ago where they talked entirely about what colour tiles one of them should have in their new bathroom. And I once tried to bring up the vaccination debate in the hope that although it was related to babies it might actually allow some adult-level conversation...I could almost see the tumbleweed blowing around.
Take up the ukulele - seriously! I'm useless at baby groups etc. too, but since I moved to a new town joining a ukulele club has been the one thing that's given me a social life. There's bound to be a group near you - it's easy to play, very social, there's a good mix of the sexes, and the people tend to be friendly, quirky nerds. Very 1950s too!
Thing is, idlevice, vaccination is a very contentious personal issue. Bringing it up among people you don't know very well is like leaning in for a full on snog with someone you've just started flirting with at work. Just because they didn't want to discuss it doesn't mean they were dull or stupid. Your topic was inappropriate for the setting. Talk about tiles isn't going to set the world on fire. No one actually thinks it's a fantastically interesting topic. What people were doing was sussing each other out using a simple uncontentious topic. It's the "flirting" stage of friendship - that slightly silly awkward stage where you're getting the measure of each other. It's only later when you both feel more accepted and secure that you bring up a more difficult topic as then you are both more likely to feel ok about being honest, even if you don't necessarily agree.
Basically friendshil takes time and effort. If you're not willing to invest those things then you're not going to get much back.
Well, that sounds quite annoying and judgey to be honest idlevice. I have three degrees, I'd still go batshit insane if I had to talk about "serious ishoos" the whole bloody time. They probably just didn't want to go there. Christ, I wouldn't - a highly emotive subject in a group that doesn't know each other well? Have you seen what happens here on vaccination threads? Thank god for bathroom tile colours (a subject on which you catch me at my best...)
Tbf to idlevice I wouldn't have a CLUE what to say about tiles "I like white ones..." "Oh..." And would welcome a conversation about vaccinations. I am totally crap at small talk though I do try. This thread is actually really helpful as I am starting to realise I probably freak people out at playgroups etc.
But I don't know what I could do about it. I dunno if it's the kinda thing you can learn. And it would feel a bit fraudulent to me. Faking an interest in lampshades to get the reward of better conversations in future. Is that what people do? Genuine question.
Auryyne - I don't think your posts are very helpful. Everyone is different and just because you're a bit unusual and don't always fit that does not necessarily mean you aren't a decent person. And it does not follow that if you're like that you need to change yourself which is how your post comes across.
You are basically saying well if you don't have loads of friends then there is something wrong with YOU. And that isn't always the case. If you think a little differently from most people around you then it can be difficult for them to understand you.
Yeah, IMO you can learn - it's just whether you want to. If I'm really stuck and know nothing at all about the topic, I usually just say "How does that work then?" and prepare to look shocked/amused. And I usually find out something at least mildly interesting, even if it's about X Factor. Then I have one interesting X Factor fact from a few minutes convo. Beats having to watch the bloody thing.
The fact is most people have their "candyfloss" interests, be it bathroom tiles, make-up or X Factor. Life would be very, very dull if it was all red meat.
Bunny, thank you so much for starting this thread. You sound fab. I'm in Leeds (Headingley) and am positively desperate for some irreverant, dark-humoured, witty, whisky-downing fun. I haven't lived here long and am crap at playgroups, shocking on the school run, warm and funny on the inside but have been giving up and stay in every.single.night. There's loads in Leeds which keeps exciting me and I want to see and do. DH and I do try to drag the kids along kicking and screaming but it's so much pressure to try to have all your interaction from just 4 people (us 2 and the kids). I need my own friends - and badly. Please consider this my job application.
Bunny I sometimes feel the same.
We're originally from Ireland and moved 7 years ago.
I am not interested in nappies, poo or soaps and have had to really push myself to make a huge effort since having dd.
I have zilch family support and I'm knackered. My Dm has advanced dementia and doesn't know her dgd and my DF died 7 years ago.
I've spent years feeling how you are (with the added Brucie Bonus of ttc for 8 years/miscarriages/ivf/icsi.
I'm trying (reasonably successfully so far) to carve out a niche with a few like minded new mothers and am feeling more part of the community than I ever have.
IME there are a few diamonds, to quote a pp, so continue with the small talk bollocks and see where it gets you.
And DELETE Facebook. It's all shite 'this is how I pretend my life is' rather than reality
I'll be your friend. I've seen a few of your posts and you sound sound.
You don't fake an interest head you use the bland topic as a chance to get to know someone. So for example there was a woman I worked with who seemed nice. She mentioned she was thinking of doing up her bathroom so I told her I got mine done and recommended our plumber. She then asked what I'd bought, where I'd bought it etc. All pretty dull but it was an "in" as over the next few weeks she told me she'd contacted the plumber, chosen her tiles etc. Eventually we had a funny conversation about how hot the plumber was and I told her how I'd ogled him as he worked topless in the garden. I found out through that conversation that in spite of her Christian good-girl image she loves men with tattoos. Those conversations allowed us to bond, share our humour, ask each other for advice, show an interest in each other. Eventually the bathroom was done and she said "you must come around and see it!" nNow I had zero interest in seeing her bathroom, and she knew it, it was just a way for her to push the friendship beyond work. And it worked I went to see her bathroom, we got drunk and had a shouty (not angry) discussion about religion. We are good friends now and see each other at least twice a week.
Like I said, it takes time and effort.
Christ it all sounds so covert and devious CailinDana
I would NEVER think of inviting someone to look at my bathroom when I knew they had no interest in it. I had no idea people did this kind of thing.
I am now wondering how many bathroom viewing type invitations I have turned down.
I feel like Data from fucking Star Trek sometimes.
Why are none of you lovely people in Germany? I need friends like you!! actually just one would be nice. X
I know it seems covert and devious but it isn't really. It's the equivalent of walking slowly into unknown water - you need to take it easy till you're sure it's "safe." It's a pretty set social script and if you haven't learned it I can see how it would be hard.
I'm marking my place to come back later, having read the first few posts I wish I lived nearer all these mn-ers who sound like me! And have managed to describe it much better than I could
Any in East Midlands?!
waves to lodgecockers
I'm also in Headingley & I like whiskey!
I'm in Nth Leeds too! A recent work personality test thing asked me if I find it hard to make friends...er....I don't but not interested in making fuckwit friends, which seemingly makes me appear standoffish. Ho hum
Just to add I know a lot of people to chat to but I'm not necessarily friends with all of them. I think you have to cast your net pretty wide to catch a few good uns.
I on the other hand am quite into snooping other people's bathrooms
Love it head
'Data from star trek' guffaw
Marking place, shamelessly.
My internal 'someone mentioned Data' alarm went off.
I know how you feel, urm, everyone!
I'm In West Yorkshire and a bit weird too
I would love to be your friend
Hi Bunny! I know this thread is pretty long and I've sort of skimmed over everyone's posts, but just wanted to say I could have wrote your OP
I moved away from home after leaving college and have had so much trouble making friends. I've also thought I've found a couple of people who I thought were on the same wavelength as me, and then they have turned out to be total nutters (maybe that's saying something about me though!).
Stuck in a routine of constantly hanging out with my DP and it's pretty lonely. The only other people I see is his best friend occasionally and my family who live about an hour away. The only texts I receive are either from my mother or Dominos pizza
I just can't find anyone who has the same sense of humour/interests as me! I have a couple of friends from back home who are all very close and constantly do things together which makes me super jealous, but as they never moved out/away, they haven't really matured at all and I feel like a total alien to them. I hate the whole girly pink fizz type of thing (I can't really explain it but you know what sort of person I mean!) and everyone I seem to come in to contact with is this type of girl. It's so hard to make friends, I just don't know how to do it!
I'm only 23 but do not seem to get on with anyone around my own age (I have a couple of friends over in Manchester who are late 30's who are great but we don't get to see each other at all) and I live in a Leeds too! My dd is 4 weeks old so I'm kind of all over the place at the moment but I'd totally be up for being mates with you I like psychedelic rock, collecting vinyl, tattoos, the whole vintage thing and arty stuff. That sounds like a terrible personal ad.
I'm suspecting a few of us may have an element of Aspergers in our make-up. It makes you a loyal friend but it makes hard to spot the 'bathroom tile' friendship cues.
That seems to be the case Border. I think a lot of people who struggle to make friends have a problem with non-verbal communication too. Body language and facial expression are crucial when meeting new people.
I'm waiting on an assessment for Aspergers funnily enough.
I had an initial screening from a psychiatrist who said he thinks it's OCD.
I was abused as a child too so hard to say what may be biologically determined (my dad is very likely on the spectrum but was refused help due to age) and what is as a result of trauma IYSWIM.
In some ways I don't care what's wrong with me, I just want to learn to live with it and be happy.
Sorry for waffle
ILovePonyo, I'm in East Mids
Also love ponyo, though prefer totoro
Ponyo is amazing but my favourite is Gigi (Kiki's cat)
Sadly I am in Sussex though!
I am pretty sure I'm on the spectrum! I would love to meet more people but just crap at it and very impatient with the small talk etc. This thread has been really interesting and might make me try a bit harder from now on. Count me in for any Yorkshire based martinis nights! PS. OP can you teach me how to do that flicky eyeliner thing as I've never quite mastered that (my eyelids are a bit wonky)...
This thread is going in a funny direction to be honest.
Bunny, you posted bravely admitting you are lonely, resentful and spend your evenings doing things that frustrate and bore you.
When anyone has suggested it might be anything other than you being too wonderful for the rest of the world (isn't this the white lie we told our female friends when they were dumped - 'you were too good for him'?!) you've reacted quite aggressively (or totally ignored them).
You do think you are superior to others and that's probably stopped you making friends. It would be fine if you were happy like that but you're not!
I agree with Bookroomred and think you should think very honestly ...would you look down on 'you' - a lonely SAHM who never goes out? If so I think you can see the irony.
Also it is quite childish to think that making small talk or adapting your behaviour means compromising your personality or your core being.
I am an intelligent, well educated professional but accept (and sometimes really rather enjoy) talking about TV, nappies, magazines, make up...
wundawummun I'm the same. I can't make small talk to save my life. I find it so awkward it's unreal I feel funny just thinking about it now
I come out as borderline on that test people always link to, which insofar as it means anything didn't surprise me (I was a weird kid), but then I did make a quite conscious decision to master small talk/basic friend-making conventions when I was in early twenties. I realised I was going to be sunk forever if I didn't get the hang of it. It was awkward for a while, but I just observed the people who seemed to be good at it and did what they did, and now it's second nature.
Of course, many aspies do this as well. I think unless you are a long way into the spectrum, a basic willingness to learn and temporarily risk making a tit of yourself probably counts for a lot.
Why does it bother you that the thread is mostly positive and supporting? Is that really a weird direction?
I have been extremely clear about my situation and about my own personal failings and have stated that I am trying hard to change the negative aspects of my personality and make myself a more likeable and open person.
I haven't been "aggressive". I have been appreciative for the opinions offered and not just the nice ones.
Posters like Aurynne have been unfairly harsh and seem to want me to admit that I'm some horrible person. I'm not so I won't. I would never dream of telling someone else that thinking they are wonderful is somehow a bad thing .
Thanks to this thread (and me making myself vulnerable by posting it) I am now in contact with numerous fantastic mumsnetters who seem to like my personality, faults and all. And I have some exciting social engagements planned for the near future.
That, for me, is 100% positive and a huge change from my life just yesterday. I won't let that be undermined or diminished by a minority of naysayers who don't know me.
I feel like I need to do practise small talk. Will someone practise small talk with me
Hi Headagainstwall, how's your day been? Your hair looks lovely BTW
Thanks wundawumman! I've discovered this new shampoo that's for horses. It's called Mane & Tail.
(See is that too weird? I really did though)
Yep, I'm an aspie <hand up>
But I think that's almost irrelevant. I know so many aspies that it feels like a character setup rather than anything more dramatic. I like aspies. And I can't be arsed about getting it wrong on the internet and being hassled by snide randoms. I've had enough of that crap in life, and the nice people are nice (aspie and non) while the "you should behave differently, you're not good enough" lot turn out to be cocks whatever you do. I'm not without social awareness and I don't want to hurt other people, but equally I haven't got time for people who just want to have a go. I think if you haven't come to be nice and make friends, you should be a bit more self aware and notice that - what does it say about you?
Hello Wunda <<waves>>
I just had salmon and ratatouille for dinner and once DD is in bed will be watching The Undateables.
Mundanity counts as small talk right?!
Mum, sounds nice. Quite an exciting night for me as I am taking out DP for a birthday drink (way too late for me already I think).
<<waves back awkwardly>>
waves to Headagainstwall
Oooh, you're probably down the road from me or something. How exciting! I'll PM you.
Bunny has accepted my job application too. Feeling very smug now and announced to DH that I'll be hitting the town (or maybe just talking to someone other than him) which cheered him up no end.
This thread is great. It's positive, and it's hopeful. It's about finding a way to be yourself, but reach out too, which can be very exposing. It's brave to know what you like about yourself and be able to say that, but also know what you'd like to change, and ask for help with that.
Quite interesting that quite a few people on this thread are in W Yorks. Or maybe just dragged out of the woodwork.
Some...a fan of black books I take it!?
I am not aspie. I just have zero tolerance for bullshit.
It's taken me to the ripe old age of 41 to realise I don't have to talk to people if I don't want to.
I still like all the geeky stuff I liked at 17 and make no apology for it.
I am working my way through game of thrones Boxset ATM and am reading a book about classical Greece.
I enjoy programmes about trains and my idea of a good time is researching the Art Deco period.
There is no hope for me is there?
You quoted Beck, that makes us instant friends
did you know you have a 36 year old twin in Oldcotes, north nottinghamshire?
You sound a right laugh to be honest, it's not your fault other
people you meet are boring!
high five to you, keep on keeping on
Well, after all my talk of being easy-going with people and not demanding that they share your interests...
Yes to black books. Game of thrones is great, also, and I have a degree in Classics so with you there too
<waves all round> I'm not generally aggressive, just tired and fucked off . It's been a long day without a nap for my 2yo, DH has just come in and now I need to give her beans and put her to bed then when she's finally asleep sort something for us, which will be so late my indigestion and vomiting will kick off. Grumble grumble. I'm normally all sweetness and light, or nearly but I hi-five anyone who's simply too old (in experience) for the BS.
Wow what a thread!
I used to have cool funky friends when I lived in London. However,since I got made redundant and ended up moving back home to a v dull town in the West Midlands to care for my dad who has dementia I am really struggling. I have one old friend from my A level days who is busy with kids and college and another one who I don't really have much in common with. Would love some arty friends but they don't seem to exist round here...
<snogs lady back>
High fives to all the lovely people on this thread.
You all sound awesome.
(I think that BB episode is my favourite one some I often quote bits of it to bemused people )
'Have you ever had one? [a partner with a nice arse]'.
'There was this one woman, Janine. I don't know if it
was nice but it was ... Huge. There was this tremendous sense of value.'
I think that some of the best friendships can be made in the most unlikely settings and from people that you would never expect to make friends with. But I also think that in the very beginning of meeting someone it will usually start with just casual chat, it's only after a while that the true friendship will start to develop, when you begin to find out what Makes each other tick etc. one of my best friendships started over a sink in a hairdressing salon, the lady in question had had a stroke and couldn't stand properly to have her hair washed, I offered to help, then we would see each other every week and I would do the same thing, this was 6 yrs ago now and we are the best of friends, Initially I would never of thought we would end up such close friends.Your soon to be friends may be closer than you think, you just haven't met yet !
I love the bit in the first episode where Bernard is filling his tax return in
"Mothers maiden name!? How do I know!? I only ever knew her as "ma!""
"I ate all your bees!" is my favourite bit of black books
(And that will totally out me if anyone I know IRL is on here)
Ps badvoc is one of my online friends and I'm very glad she is
Aw Black Books is a classic. The episode with Manny and the absinthe and the bees is one of the funniest things I've ever seen.
And I think Bernard could teach us a thing or two!
Another W Yorkshire lass following the thread with interest. I wouldn't say I'm any weirder than anyone else, but I do take aaaages to get to know people and open up and it gets harder and harder to meet new people as you get older I reckon. I'll be anyone's friend Oh and most of my friends thought I hated them at first, so I guess I'm not that approachable!
Also a massive BB fan. And IT crowd and Big Bang Theory and GoT and far too many box sets to mention
Fucking hell Bunny i'll be your friend. You sound great. D'you know, there must be shit loads of people in exactly the same position.
Where do you live. I have wine, shit loads of it. and a massive (empty) table. and some kitsch.
Lin! <waves> feeling better?
My new Sherlock box set came today! Hurrah!
-- guess what I will be doing all weekend--
Elizabeth...I sense we are soul mates.
Is it wrong that if I had another baby (not going to happen btw...) I would give it a GoT name?
I so would.
Take that mil!
I am sure she would grow to love little theon or daenerys in time....
'I get undressed slowly.'
Rodgette my hometown is very close to Oldcotes. I used to work in the King Billy
Haha Badvoc DH and I have been discussing the exact same thing. He reckons Jorah is the best name but I fancy Jorah so much it would just be wrong...
Ah Rodgette and Felix90 you have walmed my heart. I lived in Oldcotes as a child and my parents are still there. I am amazed to see its name appear here as no one has ever heard of it!
Mummylion it's weird isn't it! I once posted about the town I'm from on a thread here and from the very basic details I gave, someone else guessed where it was I always assume no one has ever heard of it as that whole general area is quite far away from any major towns/cities. The power of MN!
The IT crowd - Moss: I'm a little bit scared and I want to leave
Jorah is a fab name!
Hmmm...I wonder if there really are any little eddards or jorahs running around!?
We can't be the only
saddos ones who like those names...
Anyone for a game of Street Countdown.....??
I've not allowed myself to watch Black Books for some years now. I knew all the scripts too well. Perhaps it's time for a rewatch! (I love Manny playing the piano)
I love Jorah and Eddard/Ned!!
DP really wants Arya for this DC if it's a girl! He wanted Lyra for DD1 so is clearly affected by kick ass literary girl characters!
We can't be, Eddard, Theon and Jorah are genuinely nice names! Quite like Rickard and Arya too. I reckon we're too early though - in 50 years they'll probably be considered classic, literary names. Maybe
X post bunny I was typing very slowly to reply to Badvoc!
Arya is a lovely name I like so many of them from the books.
Mavis...Dylan Moran is from the same small Irish town my aunt lives in.
Also originally home to tommy tiernan (if you haven't seen him then do!) and ed Byrne!
Have been re watching old episodes of father ted too...the speed episode is just brilliant.
Ooh a high five <proud>
I love the wine lolly. Shame I don't drink it... I would be more likely to have a cool book from the fridge!
I work in a library and sometimes the books come off the Delivery Van lovely and cold
Check this out!.....
The UK’s Office Of National Statistics has released the list of baby names for England and Wales, and George RR Martin’s fantasy novels, and more likely the HBO series that’s sprung from it, are having a clear influence,
Last year, there were four boys born named Tyrion, 68 called Ned, 15 Theons and eight Brans.
Of the girls born in 2012 there are four called Sansa, 104 named Arya and three Catelyns.
The trend is playing out in the US, too. Over there, 146 baby girls have been named Khaleesi.
^ this makes me very happy
I couldnt work In a library fuzz pig...people would want my attention when I wanted to read
and sniff the books.
I can just imagine some kid in a few years time...
"Tyrion! Come in for your tea!"
Badvoc someone I used to know knew where DM lived in Edinburgh - she wouldn't share the info with me for fear of me seeking him out.
Also, have wondered this for sometime - is it pronounced 'Mor-anne' or 'Morun'? - I have heard both and clearly have too much time on my hands.
My favourite comedies which I have been known to post about on here from time to time include: IT Crowd, Black Books, Father Ted, Green Wing, The Thick of It, Spaced, Peep Show. - any other suggestions?
Have never seen GoT - don't have the right sort of telly.
Green wing is BRILLIANT.
Does my coat... sweep
This thread is basically just turning into a geekfest. I feel truly at home!
I seem to remember it is said MOrun not morAN.
I saw him live once - amazing.
Although not quite as amazing as Ross Noble who I've seen twice and pretty much couldn't breathe for laughing.
Ah, those were the
child free days.
I'd love to see Bill Bailey live one day. As a music nerd (especially classical) I absolutely love his 'guide to the orchestra' DVD.
Badvoc that's amazing Clearly we are perfectly normal.
Oh Mavis <swoon>
You have just listed all my favourites!
Loved green wing.
I enjoyed the mighty boosh (which also stars Richard ayoade)
I have been watching a lot of the thick of it this week (suits my rather fractious mood!)
In fact I have adopted Malcolm Tucker's motto...
"Honi soi que mal que fuck"
I shall have a crest and everything.
Love Tim minchin, bill bailey, Ross noble.
Do check out tommy tiernan. I think you would like him.
Mavis...I have GoT on DVD Boxset sky can do one.
Dammit - forgot Boosh!
I love Malcolm-Don't ever call me a bully, I am so much worse than that -Tucker.
So happy he's the new Doctor...
Which reminds me, add League of Gentleman to the list. An Human Remains (anyone remember that - Rob Brydon and Julia Davis [sp])
Hi Bunny I have just done a quick scan of the thread and see that someone mentioned meetup. West Yorks is really well served by meetup groups. I do walking/ live music and women's social meetups and every group has been really friendly.
I looked at the thread because of the lyric in the title. If that means you're into gigs take a look at this one www.meetup.com/Leeds-Live-Music-Art-Lovers/ but if it doesn't suit, put your postcode in and prepare to be surprised at the various niche groups.
It's only a tenner a month to run one yourself so if you don't find what you're looking for you can start it.
meetup changed my life!
Fuzz pig...that is soooo cool!
Ds1 and I are having a Star Wars marathon over half term.
We watched Flash Gordon the other day (it was on tv over Xmas) very fond memories of Brian blessed as a winged hawkman and Timothy dalton dressed like a camp Robin Hood
What do we all like to read?
I will read pretty much anything*
*except chick lit and anything by Jeremy clarkson.
Massive faves are Douglas Adams (obv) Lindsay Davis, pg Wodehouse, bill Bryson....
frugal - that's brilliant!
I'm a self confessed big 'ole geek so naturally love all things Whovian and Sherlockian plus lots of comedy gold.. Naturally my favourite small child book is The Elephant and the Balloon.....
Scary fact for you.
I have for the first time in my life a bunch of lovely friends...all of which I made in the short period when I was fat for the first time in my life. I can't help but feel it was related. Now skinny again, both kids in infants. Still have the friends.
I'm not suggesting it as an option. But I went from always trim and glam to frumpy and suddenly managed to make friends. Maybe I was nicer. Maybe I was easier to like, I don't know. I do think I got better at conversational minutiae when doing the baby group rounds, so it could be coincidental.
I think learning how to spend time with other women and not hate is something that can be learned. And yes I'm another survivor of teen bullying.
I have just been watching some Green Wing
Tinman I have just put on two stone and you have given me the perfect reason to get off my own back about it. :D
You sound just like me im older though. I moved to new area 11yrs ago to escape DV havent made any friends here. Just me and DP watching telly everynight, we go out seldom usually to gigs.
Would love friends, just someone I could ring or go for drink with. I hate girly crap too, much prefer male company. I imagine people find me quite odd too ive got bright turquoise hair, have a alternative look which I think people find intimidating, oh and im the wrong side of 40.
We should all make a club
Not read the whole thread Bunny but you sound like the kind of person i would love to have as a friend. Good taste in music to I suspect!
Glad to hear it Period Features. You'll be so happy when you have ditched the chub!
Missed the point totally there!
Give it a wee while first!
Some of the advice on this thread has been 'don't be too judgemental, give folks a chance' but interestingly all the cultural references comedy or drama rather than the judgey ones. They're also been significant but minority so Data from Star Trek rather than Eastenders, Spaced/Green Wing/IT Crowd rather than Mrs Browns Boys. Not a whiff of the judging, your through to the final or reality shows.
As a guilty pleasure you may or may not watch the great British Bake-Off but no wonder many contributers to this thread struggle to find common ground once in the baby/school gate melting pot, 95% of the population are not watching Game of Thrones, Black Books or my current boxset crush - Nashville.
I'm always happy to find out about the latest Celeb reality show from someone who's passionate about it but it still rarely makes me want to seek it out and the lack of awareness about editing grates. I'd rather be emotionally manipulated by a bunch of fictional priests living on Ireland trying to work out if it's a small cow or a long way away but most of the school gate are going to see the Strictly Arena tour rather than quoting Beck lyrics (Radio 6 played new Beck the other day)
I often think that slightly geeky/shy/introverted types (coincidentally, the same types of people who are more likely to watch 'good' TV) are overrepresented on MN Border. Maybe because (very broadly speaking) there's a certain type of person who spends a lot of their time on an online forum. Or maybe it's the Beck quote in the title drawing us in. But you're right. I posted upthread along the lines of "Don't write people off just because they talk about Eastenders", but I'm not an Eastenders watcher myself
Just want to make sure all the Yorkshire people on this thread know Ross Noble is coming to Harrogate in October. I've seen him three times already but am going again. He is insanely funny live, he makes my face hurt from laughing.
YippeeKiYay I think that's very true. A while ago I did a Myers Briggs test - it told me I'm an ISFP, so I went and had a look at a Myers Briggs forum. The chat thread discussing ISFPs was massively long, full of people like me chatting away being all weird and introverted and excited they'd found like-minded people. I looked up DH's type on the forum and barely any ESFJs had posted anything. Certain types of people just aren't inclined to populate internet forums!
I saw Ross Noble years ago and my sides hurt for days and days afterwards. <checks diary for Oct>
Ach bunny you sound fab and I'm gutted I live in London.
You think you're weird?
I'm on mumsnet and I don't even have kids!!
My older DS and I are going out this Halloween as Vince Noir and Howard Moon (I'll be Howard). We're practicing a crimp to do door to door!
Have you thought about training to do theatrical make up?
I'm an INFJ, geeky/shy/introverted. I can still enjoy shit telly (don't watch soaps but I do watch a lot of reality shows). Liking reality shows/makeup/shopping/soaps etc doesn't make a person thick or uninteresting and I think there is a bit of cultural snobbery in this thread. I don't think it's nastily meant, but I think when you're a person who's been picked on for being 'different' it can make you resentful of people who are 'the norm' even if they are perfectly nice and intelligent people. Your interests don't define your worth as a person. You can love Black Books and be a shit person, and you can love Eastenders and be a great person.
Step away from Facebook for your own sanity!
Yay I'm so glad to see others who like Ross Noble. Lots of people at work have never heard of him
There's a face... next muffin.
Also, I am fat and have friends....
Attractive does not equal slim.
I think you need to think less and act more.
Hear me out....
I'm a young mum, used to live in a lovely area with a lot of posh people, very cliquey and they were all abit intimidating, I hated it! So I moved back to my home town!
After a few months I realised why I moved away in the first place so after as year we moved back to said posh area, I enrolled my eldest child in preschool and I decided this time I would stop being so shy and judgmental and just talk to people! I set myself a task to talk to one new person a day, even if it was just a friendly hello.
It worked wonders!! I now know at least 50 people locally, I cannot do a preschool run without talking to at least 3 mums, not just a hello either, an actual conversation about our lives! And we go on play dates at least once a week.
I also signed myself up to the school PTA so I know people pretty well now.
Sometimes you just need to step out of your comfort zone and do the unthinkable.
Maybe these cliquey mums are really lovely?! Give them a chance, set yourself a challenge
I'm in W.Yorkshire and would love to met up.
Though i don't wear make-up but do love heels and galleries and museums and art and independant cinem
I have some close friends but they live various distances from me, they are all very different types of people and i love that about them - i have occassional coffee dates but no one pops round for a cuppa.
And i'm older then you and no dc's...but don't hold that against me!
PM me if you fancy an afternoon wander round a gallery! xx
I know I am quite late joining the party, but Bunny, man I could pretty much relate to everything you said! Now I promise that I wont start getting all gushing and emotional (but 1 drink at the mo and I am anybodys!), but I have had pretty much the same experiences with friends across the years! I currently have only 2 female friends who I can actually talk to, but find myself comparing myself to others who seem to have many, many friends. But I have never been able to fake bits of my personality to fit in. I have never fit in, only my husband seems to understand my dry wit and sarcasm, actually, sometimes my sarcasm is lost on him sometimes!!
I work with a mainly female staff, and find myself wanting to bang my head against the wall as they discuss their handbags, shoes, clothes, cupcakes, bunting etc. I have a sudden hatred of bunting,and floral nonsense, cath friggin kidston. Ah, I work with a herd of sheep! I want to read my Zombie book or Empire magazine without having to listen to such gubbins. Maybe I do isolate myself a little!
I have a 16 month old DD, and also attended a mother and baby group, but most of the other mothers always looked at me like I had just pooped on the floor. I hadn't, but with the way they would look at you almost mae me snap and do something silly! You hear about people making new mum friends for life when they embark on motherhood, so I put too much pressure on myself in the first few months to try.
I live in West Yorkshire, and I am always up for a coffee and and chat.
Wow I can ramble on!
I agree with those who've said, very kindly, that you need to get over yourself a bit, and I say that because I recognise a lot of my younger self in your OP.
I think first you need to recognise that the bad experiences you had at school and uni were well over a decade ago, going by your age: are you going to let them define you for the rest of your life?
Secondly, other people have much richer inner lives than you might think. Don't be too quick to judge on school gate conversations. I recently discovered, for instance, that a girl at my antenatal class I only ever talked babies with has serious expertise in 18th-century porcelain.
And thirdly, it sounds a bit daft, but what really helped me get over myself was thinking about the social role of "inane" chitchat almost anthropologically. Small talk is far from pointless: it's called phatic communication and it functions as a signal that you are putting out friendly vibes, kind of like chimps grooming each other. If you don't engage in that kind of small talk, you're not signalling your desire to partake in more satisfyingly intimate social encounters.
Bunny you sound fabulous! (and just like me). My (few) friends are a bit tomboyish and alternative too. I just wanted to give you & and say, it's not you - it's them. It's hard being in any way 'different' from the girly norm and you will be viewed with suspicion by some if you don't go along with the herd. It's hard but at the end of the day, would you want to hang around with the glitter-loving, pink fizz swilling girly girls anyway? Where are you?
Sorry, I've just spotted up-thread that you're in Leeds.
My friends don't have to be like me. One will text me with "Lol Hun" when I send her a rude jokey text. I would never use "LOL Hun" and she would never make a joke about female masturbation. But we get one another. She is warm. I was thinking about this thread the other day and pondering what my local mates have in common with me and the overwhelming answer was warmth and sense of humour.
We are all different, but if someone takes you for who you are, while you are being yourself and you appreciate them as they are, then you've got a friend. Ok, if you describe yourself as "alternative", as you've found, you look similar to someone else, but you are not like them, deep down. That woman has a different "sense of humour" to you and a different belief system.
Has anything good happened yet, as a result of starting this thread?
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