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im so sad..

(58 Posts)
crikeybill Wed 22-Jan-14 17:08:03

I feel like I've wasted 23 years of my life.
Thats how long we've been together. 3 dc aged 2-10.
Husband has m.e/CFS and has become bitter, angry and depressed.
He doesn't do anything with the kids ever. I work fulltime, drop the kids to school and childminders, and pick them up again on the way home. I do everything at home, everything with the kids, just everything.
Dh sleeps all day hence the childminder. Wakes late afternoon to take medication. Stays up all night to admin a website he part owns.
He tells me he loves me and wants a physical relationship but I end up pushing him away as I'm exhausted and pretty much seething with resentment.
I have no social life, we go nowhere together due to his illness and I can't go out on my own becasuse I would never hear the end of it. He is very insecure, very jealous, will sulk and make sarky comments if I'm away from my desk and he can't reach me by phone.

I'm so sad. I don't know what to do. I'm getting more and more angry. Yesterday he couldn't reach me on my mobile on my way home so left me a shitty voicemail ( which he always says isn't shitty and I'm being paranoid ) so when I got home he was in the bath, which meant me doing dinner again. I lost my temper and started kicking the bathroom door. I'm so ashamed.
The kids are so good. They have no expectations from him anymore, they even excuse his shouting outbursts, saying they understand he's ill.
I don't want them to grow up with that though.
He sleeps on the sofa every night till I get up, then transfers to bed once we've all hone to work and school. My 2 year old thinks that's his bed !! I've asked him not to as we can't use the lounge but he blames it on me saying I get too angry if he crawls into bed at 5am.
I have got annoyed in the past as I just wanted him to share the same sleep cycle as the rest of the family but I've given up now. I don't believe thats the reason anyway as he sleeps in the bed if we have sex, it feels like its only worth sleeping next to me if he's getting some.
Were pretty skint as we live on my salary and my tax credits alone and I know not having his own money masked him feel

crikeybill Wed 22-Jan-14 17:09:28

Worse.

I don't know what to do anymore. Its like living with someone else. He's turned into an angry, depressed man and I feel like I can't cope.

How can I go on ?

crikeybill Wed 22-Jan-14 17:11:11

Just to add I don't see it as my money. He has access to my account.

LEMmingaround Wed 22-Jan-14 17:27:44

Christ, you are a saint if you stay with that man. You don't have to stay with him just because he is ill.

LEMmingaround Wed 22-Jan-14 17:33:53

I can understand why he feels depressed, but he needs to take responsibility for himself and not drag you down with him. I suffer from depression and it can be hard not to take it out on those that you love, but you realise that one day you'll push them away and that needs to be enough to make you change things. I think you need to tell him that he needs to buck up or ship out, don't fall for his attempts to make you feel sorry for him - does he really want that? For his own good as much as yours

OiMissus Wed 22-Jan-14 17:34:26

I think you need to share with him what you've shared here.
It can't continue like this. It's absolutely not fair on you.
Maybe relationship counselling is the way to go - if you want to save the relationship.
Good luck. - please don't continue as you are, that's really no life, and it's not fair on the kids.
I have no experience of his illness, but he needs to sort himself out.

crikeybill Wed 22-Jan-14 17:37:11

That's what I wonder. Is it the illness making him like this or is he just being an arse.
I keep waiting for things to improve and they don't.
The kids say they love him and they understand but honestly if he wasn't here it would make no difference in any sense. I am utterly self sufficient financially, in fact according to benefits checker I would be much better off. I know I can cope with the kids, I am !! So why am I so afraid. He's the only relationship I've ever had so I've had no comparison. I've left it so long now, I m 40 soon. All those years gone. I feel so so sad.

juneau Wed 22-Jan-14 17:42:23

Okay, what's CFS? I know what ME and depression are.

He sounds bloody awful, TBH. Do you want this to work? If he got his medical shit sorted out and started pulling his weight could you love him again? Is there any chance in hell that he could or would do that? If the answer is 'yes', then you should drag him to marriage counselling and tell him it's his last chance, or you're gone. If the answer is 'no' and you can only see this awful situation continuing/getting worse then I'd go and see a solicitor and start the separation process. I couldn't live like that.

juneau Wed 22-Jan-14 17:44:55

P.S. You're nearly 40? Its a great age - in fact no age at all. You're maybe half-way through your life - or less. You haven't wasted 23 years - you have your DC - and better to start again NOW than waste any more time. Remember, you'll never be any younger than you are now.

crikeybill Wed 22-Jan-14 17:50:05

He wouldn't go to any sort of counselling. He is fixated on the idea that his illness is incurable and so thats it as far as he is concerned.
If I moan I'm " giving him shit " and not being sympathetic. He says he does as much as he can and that I can't imagine what its like to be in pain all day. Yet he won't try changing diet or antidepressants as recommended by thge gp.
Honestly I can't do this.

I'm torn between feeling bad for him and thinking if I choose to stay I am also choosing this shitty skint lonely boring life forever.

He hates the world and its so horrible to see him sitting at his p.c desk or watching t.v sneering and ranting about everyone.
Just yesterday when we had the row about him not being able to get hold of me he denied it had annoyed him and said " do you really think I would stay with you if I thought you were a dirty cheating slag" . Its just vile there's no need to speak like that, he never used to !!!

tiredlady Wed 22-Jan-14 17:57:11

He sounds like a pathetic waste of space who shows no desire to want to get better.He takes you for granted and quite franlky you should cut your losses and go.
Being depressed is no excuse for acting like this.
You and your dc deserve better than this

RollerCola Wed 22-Jan-14 18:02:37

This was me last year. 23 yrs together, we separated. I'm happier than I've been in years and years, and the children are completely fine.

It's scary as shit but please please don't waste any more of your life like this. It doesn't have to be this way. You only have one life, and you have many years ahead of you to be happy.

crikeybill Wed 22-Jan-14 18:05:48

Thank you roller !!!
I think the main thing is I worry I will do it and then regret it but it will be too late.
That sounds so pathetic. Its been so good in the past but the rows we have had have killed it, and I'm scared my girls will think this is normal. Why isn't that enough to push me, what's wrong with me !!

LEMmingaround Wed 22-Jan-14 18:07:08

I do feel sorry for him, because i know how depression can be, I used to make those sort of phone calls to DP, not because i didn't trust him, i did but i was so insecure and unwell. He sounds like his self esteem is at rock bottom.

The trouble is, you continuing to put up with this and allow him to treat you like this, and basically fester in his own shit, is enabling this behaviour. Yes he is unwell, it does sound like depression is his biggest illness just now - depression is a debilitating illness, make no mistake about it. BUT until he takes some responsibility, goes the bloody doctor, takes the medication he is offered (sorry, i don't know what cfs is either) and possibly some sort of talking therapy then he is going to continue.

Are you sure he is just dong admin when he is up all night on the computor?

Yes, he's ill, but thts not your fault, its your problem because you are a partnership but if he wont allow you to help and take an active part in the family then that is his decision, not yours.

Do you own or rent? where would he go if he were to leave? could you afford to leave?

oldgrandmama Wed 22-Jan-14 18:17:42

Dear OP, take it from me ... save your OWN and your CHILDREN'S lives, sanity and call it a day. It's not going to get any better and frankly, he sounds somewhat manipulative and controlling and .. just nasty.

Do you and your kids deserve putting up with this for years and years more? NO NO NO.

I be that he'll sort himself out pretty sharpish once you've gone.

crikeybill Wed 22-Jan-14 18:20:32

We privately rent. I pay the bills. If he left he would apparently go to his mums or to the council and declare himself homeless he told me today. I suspect it would be the former.

He has no income of his own. He is in the support group of ESA but given no money because of my earnings, this is another thing he is enraged about.
He won't ask me for money until he's desperate even though I've made it clear its our money. He hates being reliant on me allegedly. Yet when I've suggested he contributes in other ways, like spending time with the kids, playing with the toddler, its ignored.

I'm quite sure about the admin. He's far to high up on his own horse to cheat. I suspect he looks at porn every now and then but that doesn't really bother me.

JackieBrambles Wed 22-Jan-14 18:21:09

Cfs is chronic fatigue syndrome I think??

So sorry you are going through this.

My friend has me/cfs and couldn't be more different to your DH. She hasn't been able to work for years but she's the life and soul of every room she enters! (Of course she has to limit what she does and she has to rest a massive amount), but it doesn't have to make you bitter.

You don't have to put up with this. Is he ever open to talking calmly about how you feel?

JackieBrambles Wed 22-Jan-14 18:23:04

In fact reading your later posts I think maybe it's too late and you'd be better off calling it a day. It doesn't sound like he'd be surprised!

crikeybill Wed 22-Jan-14 18:28:03

Not really. Its like he thinks he has a trump card. He's I'll and in pain, I'm not, he wins.
If I try and tell him how I feel he treats it like a personal attack and then gets angry cos I'm accusing him of not doing enough.
We had this very argument this afternoon when I woke him for his hospital appointment. It was 12.30 so early for him. He was angry, cancelled his appointment, told me our relationship was pointless, that I was abusive becasuse I scream and shout ( I do when I lose it and it all comes out, but it takes a lot) and because I kicked the door, and went back to bed. Its now 6,30 I've done everything again and he is guaranteed to get up when the kids are in bed. He will also want to talk but I will be exhausted, nothing will get resolved and on and on.....

captainmummy Wed 22-Jan-14 18:28:39

CFS - cystic Fibrosis? It is incurable afaik. But manageable.

But he is pushing you away with all this - you already know youd be better off on your own. HE wuoldn't, but tat is not your concern. If he wasn't ill, what would you do? You are not his nursemaid, mother, carer.

iamonthepursuitofhappiness Wed 22-Jan-14 18:36:17

Crikeybill

Those years haven't been wasted, you were happily married and you have had your children so no regrets eh?

Though he is ill, it is not fair of him to take you down with him. You would definitely cope on your own, without a shadow of a doubt. You might be 40 soon and I know that is scary, I was 40 last year, but do you really want to spend the next 40+ years living like this?

I was married to an alcoholic, he didn't participate in family life. I had a relationship with a man that did not live in the same time zone as me even though living in the same house, used to sleep on the dofa etc etc, it is all jsut behaviour to devoid themselves of reponsibility/effort.

Yes, he is ill but if he will not help himself then you are flogging a dead horse. Obviously no one can tell you waht to do but what I will say is that when both of my previous relationships ended, my XH and XP moved out, and I sat down on the sofa, I felt a huge sense of relief.

Good luck!

crikeybill Wed 22-Jan-14 18:41:52

pursuit you just made me cry an cry.

I have to put the baby to bed now. Thank you for all your advice. I have been with him longer then being without and I'm so scared.

oldgrandmama Wed 22-Jan-14 18:44:35

Or is CFS chronic fatigue sydrome?

crikeybill Wed 22-Jan-14 18:46:21

Yes CFS is chronic fatigue syndrome.

RollerCola Wed 22-Jan-14 18:52:46

I understand your fear. I had been with my husband since I was 15. We separated when I was 39. We were together our entire adult lives.

I was terrified of being on my own but at the same time I knew we couldn't stay together. My husband didn't have the same issues as yours but he did have various illnesses that he played on and I felt guilty because he was 'ill'

But ultimately you are not responsible for his health and happiness. Only he can do that. If you stay as you are he will drag you down and you and your children will never have the happiness you all deserve.

elspethmcgillicuddy Wed 22-Jan-14 18:56:47

OP I don't have experience of this but you sound so strong already. Being with this man is turning you into someone you don't want to be (shouting etc). You sound like a great role model for your kids and will be able to show them how important being strong, independent and happy is in their future lives. I am rooting for you and sincerely hope that in a few short months you can come onto threads like this to support others and tell your story about how much happier you are.

AnyFucker Wed 22-Jan-14 19:06:43

I would make him leave, illness or no illness

He doesn't want to get better because then he won't have a crappy excuse to treat you like shit

The insane jealousy is because he doesn't want anyone else to have you but is not prepared to make you want to stay in this relationship

Bin him

Perhaps it will prompt him to sort his act out, perhaps it won't. However, all you need to decide is that you are no longer prepared to live like this. Before you know it you will be looking down the barrel of 50 and 60....imagine still living like this without even the glue of dependent kids? Terrifying.

ROARmeow Wed 22-Jan-14 19:23:49

Is he such a bundle of misery with everyone else? Or just with you and his kids?

Your eldest is old enough to have an opinion and comparison to friends' families. Have you spoken to the kids about it?

I also think you should tell him to go stay with his mum (or anywhere else) for a while to cool off and re-assess things. Not a dumping as such, but just time apart to think.

He needs to synch his hours to normal time, and follow his GP's advice. Or else he needs to leave.

lovemenot Wed 22-Jan-14 19:44:36

I know cfs affects different people in different ways but my cousin suffers from it and had to resign from her high paying job. She has since bought a property in France and has opened a small hotel and restaurant. Yes, she has good staff because there are days when it all catches up on her but she didn't let her illness stop her.

Your dh is a lazy shite, who has gotten into the habit of putting his needs way higher than anyone elses, including his own children.

Time to really lose your temper and tell him to get the hell out of the family that he chooses not to engage with....except to abuse them.

Handywoman Wed 22-Jan-14 20:01:52

crikey I feel for you.... but it is OK NOT to love someone who has so little regard for you and the children. You are not responsible for his happiness or wellbeing. Only for that of you, and your girls.

I recently left a miserable H who was never fully engaged in family life. My kids are 10 and 8. The kids are fine, and our house is a happier home now. You don't know it yet, but without the burden of emotional dead-weight, anger and resentment you will sail through life with your girls with a lightness you have not felt for years, and show at the same time that women have boundaries and strength, and that what is happening now is not OK.

I wish you well on your road ahead thanks keep posting <proffers hand for holding>

crikeybill Wed 22-Jan-14 20:06:26

I know your all right i really do. But something stops me and I freeze. He isn't happy either but hasn't the balls to leave. He wants me to end it so it isn't his fault.
On the other hand he tells me he loves me and fancies me and sure as hell wants sex all the time but what about other couple stuff there's none of that !!!

He says im cold and unsympathetic. But surely by doing everything I'm doing that's being supportive !! If I point that out he says he's grateful but does he have to go round saying thank you every day.

Hes just got up. Ignored dc1 , demanded to know wherethe hhairbrush was from dc2 and ignored the toddler. He hasn't seen them ALL DAY and dc2 has a scary blood test tomorrow which he didn't acknowledge.
Took his car keys and shouted bye. Hes gone to his disabled mothers to sort things for her.

He will come back when the kids are in bed and demand we sort it out. I will be shattered. Fucking hell this is my life.

AnyFucker Wed 22-Jan-14 20:20:56

crikey, tell him to fuck off

he is not your boss (well, actually, a boss wouldn't be allowed to treat you like this)

time for The Serious Talk, methinks

start by sending him to stay with his mother, they can bitch and carp about you together. Or temptingly, simply don't be there when he gets back later. That'll give him something to bellyache about. Have you friends localy you could crash tonight ? He needs a short, sharp shock

who the fuck does he think he is ?

crikeybill Wed 22-Jan-14 20:34:51

I knowledge AF I do. He feels hard done by. He feels angry he's ill angry he's skint and angry im not all over him like a porn star. That's what I reckon anyway. He says I'm wrong.
No matter how much he is pissed off with me why would you ignore your own kids ?

There really is no one more important to him then him. He tells me he wants love honesty and respect he shouts that at me all the time. But where's mine. Because I've screamed shouted and threw things he comes out of arguments better then me because I just lose it and a months worth of resentment comes out.

Right what would you say to him about the ignoring of kids how is that ok ?

Im not going to post anymore because I don't want to be one of those annoying posters who gets heaps of advice then does fuck all. I've been around long enough to know how annoying that is.

Thanks

sharkey1187 Wed 22-Jan-14 20:36:08

Crikey, until he accepts he has control over his CFS, he cannot use it as a bargaining tool to keep you there. He is doing every thing he can to make his illness worse and this is not fair on your family. I have CFS, and yes, there are bad days.. But the key is controlling CFS is through a solid routine. CFS is not curable, but it is manageable and you can greatly reduce your symptoms.

He isn't being fair on you and your children and until he seeks medical advice, there will be nothing you can do to help him.

Ehhn Wed 22-Jan-14 20:58:20

He's being ridiculous. A dear friend of ours has had me and Cfs for 20 years and there are days when she is so ill and achey that she can't move or get out of bed. But it doesn't stop her from being kind and supportive, from doing what she can and making the most of her good days. She is brave, cheerful and admirable, although she had to give up work, but she contributes to her household in other ways - mainly by being a centre of calm, good cheer and advice and a little domestic help.

Your h needs to address his behaviour, sleep patterns and depression.

AnyFucker Wed 22-Jan-14 21:05:18

Call me cynical but he's not too debilitated to want the porn star sex, eh ?

I don't know how you bring yourself to show him any physical affection at all, tbh, he is a fucking arsehole.

AnyFucker Wed 22-Jan-14 21:06:35

crikey, are you going to do "fuck all" then ? That would be very sad.

JaceyBee Wed 22-Jan-14 21:22:14

I was just thinking what AF said, he's too tired to play with his kids but not for sex! That's not in line with my experience of CFS!

haveyourselfashandy Wed 22-Jan-14 21:24:52

Don't stop posting crikey,it does piss me off when people stay in shitty relationships for whatever reason but as of yet I've never been in that situation,I've always left,once with nothing apart from a bag of clothes for me and my ds.I'm impulsive like that though never think things through but I always manage!
YOU deserve more than this.You can have more than this if you really want it.It's not easy but what is this man bringing to yours and your children's life?
Please keep posting it will do you good to write things down and people here will support you,even if they don't agree.

iamonthepursuitofhappiness Wed 22-Jan-14 21:30:23

Sorry for making you cry. I agree with everyone who thinks you should leave. If you don't leave/end the relationship then you are activiely choosing this life for yourself and your children.

captainmummy Wed 22-Jan-14 22:30:50

Op ' something stops you and you freeze'? That is the actual ACT of doing something! Once you are over that, it's easy!

crikeybill Tue 04-Feb-14 19:19:57

Hello. Can I post again.

Things are no better.
Dh is in sulking mode becasuse we haven't had sex in ages. I'm so tired all the time though and to be honest I'm feeling more and more resentful.
I hate it when he's around.
He's still going to bed around 5am and sleeping all day.
Saturday I took the youngest two out and left dd1 with him at home as she had a party at three that he said he would take her to. He got up 30 mins before it started.
He is saying the illness is the cause of his exhaustion but how does staying up till 5 laughing and joking with friends on the internet help ??
This morning I left for work with the kids as he climbed into bed.

I've told him I'm not happy how things are. He says its always him that has to change, what about the issues he has with me. When I ask what they are its always about sex !!
So Ive told him if things continue he might as well not be here.
He came out with a very forlorn " well I don't want to be the cause of you being unhappy so fine obviously its all me so I will have to go won't I"
He's very angry and sarcastic. I really don't think he sees my point. I've told him he has no involvement in family life at all and he just rolls his eyes and says yes that's right I'm a cunt, I'm terrible.

I feel so sad.

I don't think I'm brave enough to see this through. I asked him to leave 4 years ago and he did for 3 months but I stupidly took him back after he promised things.
I am cold I know I am. Im just so resentful. I don't want to keep messing with my kids lives.

Oh god I don't even know why I'm posting.

TemperamentalAroundCorvids Tue 04-Feb-14 19:45:23

Always him that has to change? Like it's normal to go to bed at 5am and sleep till 2.30?

I'm a night owl, my kids are grown and I live on my own. Even I have a rule that says bed 4am at very latest, and only occasionally. And bed 2am at latest is my normal rule.

The first rule of dealing with any mh problem is to get some sort of sleep hygiene in place. Only then can one start to see what's what. His GP or any psychiatrist would say the same.

{I still think he is just a lazy cocklodger, if he wants to prove otherwise let him bring his hours in line with GMT and the population of the UK.}

Woody31 Tue 04-Feb-14 19:46:24

You are not a cold person OP. You seem like an amazing mum, hardworking and organised. You and your children deserve a husband and father who is part of the family, not a cling on who sleeps all day. The sex thing bugs me - who does he think he is ? Sex in marriage should be between two people who love each other. It is the cherry in a marriage not the frikin cake.Do not let him make you feel guilty about it. Work on a timescale - give him a week if he hasn't done more to support you and the kids or tried to get on your time zone then enough is enough. Just think what could happen if you got ill with stress or anxiety too. Look after yourself and your kids x

maparole Tue 04-Feb-14 20:06:27

I've known a couple of people with ME and it is a terrible thing to be struck with, but the thing about it, probably more than most illnesses, is that any sort of recuperation really demands the wholehearted commitment of the sufferer. It needs high-level management of diet and lifestyle.

He isn't doing any of that, or indeed anything at all; he is simply using the illness as an excuse to be lazy and obnoxious. Playing the "poor me" card doesn't wash.

I'd guess that part of your reluctance to leave is down to guilt about quitting your husband when he is ill. He is deliberately playing on this guilt, both with you and your children. You need to debunk this mindset and get shot asap.

bigboobsbertha Tue 04-Feb-14 20:13:11

If I were you I would write him a letter saying everything you have said here and ask him honestly what he thinks you gain from the relationship. That way there is no screaming and shoutin and eye rolling etc. Then tell him you want to set aside a time, convenient for you to discuss this properly. If he wont or cant, then tell him thats it, youve had enough.

TemperamentalAroundCorvids Tue 04-Feb-14 20:19:21

My post relates to him addressing his depression. According to Mind (among others) normal interactions with your family and friends should improve mh, and being more (any) use to said family should do likewise.

He can recover from depression; ME/CFS is a condition that needs managing. I know a little about it, as have a friend with ME who works p/t - but she has to plan her energy expenditure very carefully.

She uses energy for the important things - housework, family, work. She can be felled by a cold, though. Extrapolating from her (but his ME'll be worse?) I would think he could manage family outings, and do some of the day-to-day stuff around the house, at least. You might need a childminder as back-up if illness knocks him out like it does my friend.

But you (and him) won't know what is possible until he attempts to live more 'normally'. If he won't, then I stand by the cocklodger diagnosis.

cjel Tue 04-Feb-14 20:22:09

I also don't see him being to ill to cope with any part in your family but can mange sex.
I left H after 35 years together(30married) and wish I'd done it decades ago. I was 52 and am building a lovely happy life for myself its amazing. I am not angry.I have no resentment, can do what I want with my life, I too wish I'd not wasted my life,I wish I was only 40smile!!!!

I'd ask him to move out for a bit, see how much energy he gets then and decide whether its his illness(which I doubt) or just complete pigheadedness .

Please don't feel bad about wanting better for your life and your dcs.

crikeybill Tue 04-Feb-14 20:28:07

I do pay for a childminder. He doesn't have the 2 year old anymore. He was refusing to get up from the sofa when he had him. Once the t.v was on and the 2 year old was watching it from 8,30 when I left till 11 when I checked to see how things were. He answered the phone clearly half asleep and said he had been just dozing.
Fuck that. I have a childminder now so he literally doesn't have to do anything.

crikeybill Tue 04-Feb-14 20:31:46

If I try and talk to him he goes into full victim mode.
He sees it as me attacking him, me moaning.
He just says over and over, well I don't want to be the reason your unhappy.
So change then !!!!!

But he won't. So he says shall I just go,or, there's no point to this. Its like he calls my bluff and I'm such a controlled idiot I can't take that step.
The whole house feels poisonous my poor kids !!

JuliaScurr Tue 04-Feb-14 20:44:49

I agree with bertha

The relationship might be saved if he commits to improving your liestyle.
His situation re health is unfortunate and not his fault, but he could deal with it better, eg have a more acceptable sleep pattern. His financial situation is not his fault, it's a policy predicted to inevitably put stress on relationships. It could still be coped with better. He is surely depressed - it often causes irritability. He needs to get some treatment.

You can make some reasonable demands and give an ultimatum. Though much of it isn't his fault, he's not helping. you can't go on like that forever. He must commit to making changes

RandomMess Tue 04-Feb-14 20:58:01

I really think you ought to call his bluff and tell him to go.

I am leaving my dh because despite promises to address his issues on his own, or our issues together he doesn't want to take responsibilty for either. I've waited over 2 years. My life is passing me by so I've decided to do something.

All my ds see is 2 depressed parents, if I leave at least I may be happier - who knows perhaps he will address his own issues and be happier too.

There is absolutely no reason for him to stay up until 5am and then do nothing all day. Even at my most depressed I contributed something!!

paxtecum Tue 04-Feb-14 20:58:14

I hope you get the strength to resolve this and ask him to leave.

He may make changes after he has left, which would benefit all of you
It's unlikely that he will change if you don't make him leave.

Your home will become a happy home without him in it.

Best wishes to you.

foolonthehill Tue 04-Feb-14 21:05:20

He does nothing and you would not really miss him.

Are you worried about what people would think of you throwing such an "ill" man out?

because i actually can't see any other reason for putting up with everything that you have told us (and this from someone who lived in an abusive marriage and had my eyes firmly closed for over a decade).

Your Oh may be depressed may have ME and may have CFS but NONE of those things actually excuse the way he treats you and your children. And his symptoms do not fit with the degree of disability he claims.

i think that you are a strong and capable woman and for some reason see that this is something that you can and should cope with, when in fact you deserve so much better.

You gave him a second chance 4 years ago, he has not kept his promises and is not living for the benefit of his family or you.

I think you will walk away from this eventually. try hard to think why you would want your DCs to see this as normal or to model their future lives and relationships on it. if you can't think of a reason you know you need to go.

TemperamentalAroundCorvids Tue 04-Feb-14 21:10:20

Yes I realise you have a CM atm - and I see no reason why your bloke cannot do more if he gets himself sorted as described above. I just meant that he may not be well enough to do without one altogether from time to time.

Either he makes changes or he leaves. And it is not all about your happiness either as he seems to think - it is about him being the best he can.

Even if he achieves these changes, the relationship may be over.

MrsKent Wed 05-Feb-14 09:39:44

He has ME/CFS. It is unbelievably hard to manage a long term condition that causes daily pain.
He also is depressed. This is a serious health issue that needs treatment.
He also is unreasonable and unwilling to help himself by following a very unhealthy lifestyle and shutting down his family connections.
I feel he is also acting like a bad father to the children.
If you want to stay with him for whatever reason be aware that you cannot help him, he needs to be willing to help himself and you need to decide how much you are willing to put up with.
If you decide not to continue with him be sure you are not leaving because he is ill but be because he has no intention of trying to lead a better life.

JuliaScurr Wed 05-Feb-14 18:26:23

yes, Mrs Kent

Tell him that ^ op
I'm disabled and make lots of demands on dp because I have no choice; but I would try to make changes where I could

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