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Feeling utterly wrung out & need support

(81 Posts)
themidwife Tue 21-Jan-14 08:18:18

STBXH & I separated 18 months ago & got back together 3 months later. We had many highs & lows & he continued to live apart from us but spent a lot of time at home with us. We had couples counselling & many plans for him to move back in. Before Christmas I said we needed to shit or get off the pot now & sort ourselves out after Christmas.

Christmas was tense & illness, work & his attitude spoilt things. Just after New Year he went awol saying he needed time & space to work & concentrate on that.

Last weekend he had my youngest DD for weekend & she came home on Sunday & said there had been a strange lady & her children in Daddy's house she didn't know. I confronted him when he dropped her off & apparently he met her out somewhere last tuesday night & was now seeing her & our relationship was over but because in his mind we split up on boxing day he has done nothing wrong.

We made love over new year & he did not end the relationship with me although he avoided me.

How could he wheel a new woman & a her kids in after 5 days to meet my DD & start seeing someone without even telling me it's over between us?

I'm reeling with shock & disbelief. Tell me it gets better!

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 21-Jan-14 08:42:00

I'm sorry you've had such a shock. What you're describing on his part is a typical fence-sitting behaviour, keeping all his options open. As someone said the other day 'not letting go of one branch until he had hold of the next'. It's incredibly cruel and deceitful, not to mention cowardly. I suppose you'e worked out that this woman has been part of his life for quite some time? Bet she doesn't know the score either.

However, if there's something positive to take from this, it's that you're not going to waste a second more of your time on false hopes that it can all go back to how it was. You're going to be very, very low for a while but you can draw a line under it. Suggest you get legal advice.

LyndaCartersBigPants Tue 21-Jan-14 10:49:58

It will get better, now that he's got off the pot you can move on from his dramatics and let him mess with somebody else's head.

We're all here for you xx

Jan45 Tue 21-Jan-14 12:28:41

He's one of those creeps who has to have a woman lined up before leaving his present partner - selfish and entitled and you are well rid and yes of course it will get better, you can do so much better.

themidwife Tue 21-Jan-14 15:12:40

It's such a kick in the teeth isn't it? At least I feel angry today not sobbing I suppose angry

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 21-Jan-14 15:13:54

Angry is good. Sobbing just gives you puffy eyes and a headache. Indignant fury gives you energy and purpose. You're going to screw him for every penny now aren't you?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 21-Jan-14 15:18:13

He is going to be a delightful trustworthy partner to his new gf (not) and the best bit is he won't be able to inflict new hurt on you from now on. I am sorry he kept you dangling but now go and see where you stand financially.

themidwife Tue 21-Jan-14 15:29:58

The financial position is not necessarily very good for me. The house is mine that I owned before we met & next week I am in court because my previous ex is suing me for a larger share than originally agreed. He is renting a house although he does own a house in Spain which has very little or zero equity. He does however earn 3 times what I do & owns a company & has a pension he pays £500 a month into which must be potentially worth a bit but has only had for 4 years. There is no lump sum to be had I think but he was £60k in debt when we met & is no in no debt other than business overdrafts from time to time.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 21-Jan-14 15:37:19

I hope you get it sorted out.

skyeskyeskye Tue 21-Jan-14 15:56:27

He has treated you appallingly. It amazes me how they see things so differently to the actual truth.

You have tried hard to no avail. Don't waste any more emotion on him.

It does get better, just be kind to yourself in the meantime. And protect your DC's feelings as best you can.

Leavenheath Tue 21-Jan-14 17:19:14

Did you used to have a similar name OP and is this the bloke who was having an affair with his cousin?

I'm so sorry for your fresh hurt, but I'll wait for you to come back before posting more.

themidwife Tue 21-Jan-14 17:52:04

Yes the same man I'm afraid! There's no going back from this though. An emotional affair (the sexual bit with the cousin was around the time we met) that followed it is one thing but he's actually buggered off with someone this time. So that's that.

Leavenheath Tue 21-Jan-14 18:05:42

Oh love sad

Do you think in truth, he's been with this woman a lot longer?

I'm so glad you've had enough now. I remember your earlier posts well and as you might remember, was really worried for you at one point when it looked like you were giving him another chance.

Have you got good representation to face the battle with the ex?

themidwife Tue 21-Jan-14 18:49:45

Yes probably & who knows if ANYTHING he said was true. It matters not - he's most definitely at it now.

Yes v expensive barrister who normally acts as a district family court judge so hopefully she'll get a good result.

Leavenheath Tue 21-Jan-14 19:02:15

I do hope so.

Will you have easier and quicker access to GUM checks than most of us? It would be a good idea to get yourself checked out if he's been having sex with both of you. I'm sure you've thought of this, but just in case? Shock's a horrible thing isn't it when common sense can take a nosedive?

I don't suppose this will help much at the moment, but as an outsider who's seen your posts for years, I'm glad you've seen the light about this bloke. As I recall, he led you a merry dance for years with his behaviour and you made so many allowances for him.

It would have been so much worse in my view if he'd moved back in and you'd never found out. I suspect he's been 'at it' for years but at least you've now got rock solid proof and have no doubts about what should happen next.

Please don't think I'm minimising your hurt and shock because I'm sure it really hurts after all the investments you've made in him, but from an outsider who genuinely wishes you well because you're such a stalwart to others, I'm hoping this will one day be a cause for celebration for you.


themidwife Tue 21-Jan-14 19:08:18

Yes I know. Friends in RL feel the same - that I've invested so much in him & made so many allowances for his mental health issues but the bottom line is there ain't no cure for arseholitis is there?

I have been blamed for & punished for all his negative feelings & issues & despite some lovely moments I have to accept that they were just moments, the majority of the time I was treated badly.

Leavenheath Tue 21-Jan-14 19:14:26

I'm really pleased to hear you sounding like this. Like you finally see him how he is.

That's so true about arsholitis grin

Makes me so cross when posters try to excuse any old crap behaviour by saying but your husband is ill

Meh, not everyone who's got mental health issues acts like an arsehole. As if arseholes never get ill either?

What support do you need now? What can we do to help?

louby44 Tue 21-Jan-14 19:15:21

These men behave appallingly don't they. They have no decency.

My relationship ended 6 weeks ago and my ex soon had another woman. I don't know if he was seeing her before?

So hurt. Disgusting behaviour!

Just remmber you got through another day just keep doing day by day sending good supportive vibes for you thanks

themidwife Tue 21-Jan-14 19:20:39

I guess I just need to hear that I'll be happy again one day. And that if (ha ha) I ever do want to have another relationship there are good men out there.

You will be happy

You will be content

You are strong to deal with this

Each day the light at the end of the tunnel becomes brighter

Rember you are a wonderful thoughtful person with a warm fuzzy soul

AnyFucker Tue 21-Jan-14 19:26:12

he's finally done something right, love

no going back now

he's actually done you a favour

skyeskyeskye Tue 21-Jan-14 19:43:03

midwife - I have very recently met somebody, in the local pub of all places. It is very early days, but he is a lovely man and I honestly never thought that I would meet anybody decent ever again. and if this doesn't work out, it has proved that there is life after the XH. (not trying to hijack thread, just trying to say that it really does happen because that is the question that you asked). I am happier than I have been in a very long time.

There are some decent men out there, I promise. They may seem few and far between, but they are out there. Just lick your wounds, get your court battle out of the way, start divorce proceedings on H and then give yourself some time to deal with everything.

You WILL meet somebody when the time is right. You tried your hardest, but with a very difficult person who blamed everything on his MH issues or on you. Time to hold your head up high and move on with dignity.

AnyFucker Tue 21-Jan-14 20:02:47

ooo, skye smile

Minimammoth Tue 21-Jan-14 20:32:46

Waste no more time, and give him no more chance Midwife, save your energy for you and your family, you will win through, he does not know what he is losing.

themidwife Tue 21-Jan-14 21:29:05

At the moment he says he's is escaping an oppressive regime & is making a life for himself at last. Poor man - what a bully I have been!

AnyFucker Tue 21-Jan-14 21:33:57

My heart bleeds for him. What a dick. You are well rid.

Minimammoth Tue 21-Jan-14 21:43:01

Oppressive regimeshock you are a fascist state all on your own then!!. Has he ever taken any responsibility? You have been more than generous in forgiving, giving him a long lead, he does live separately, how can that be oppressive?

skyeskyeskye Tue 21-Jan-14 21:54:46

Ignore him. You are a hard working woman and a good mum. He can go stick his oppressive regime where the sun don't shine.

Remember it's the same old line that they all trot out when they clear off.... I had to go, she was mean to me, blah blah blah

iamonthepursuitofhappiness Tue 21-Jan-14 22:47:53

Realistically, would the relationship have worked even if this hadn't happened?

What you must realise is that you did try to make the relationship work and, even though it hasn't, you can look back knowing that you did everything you could. It wasn't enough but, no regrets, you tried.

A very similar thing happened to me in December (was in a relationship that wasn't working and thought we both had the same goal to be together and address our differences but he started shagging about). I too was in shock, it is a horrible thing but literally two weeks after he admitted he was shagging about and I ended the relationship, I suddenly felt to much better about it being over and so much more positive about the future.

It might take you longer than two weeks but sooner or later yu will realise that you have wasted enough energy on someone who quite simply does not deserve it. When that moment comes, you will appreciate that your life is so much better without him and you won't look back.

Thinking of you x

YankeeMum8 Tue 21-Jan-14 23:27:50

I'm so sorry. I know it sounds so cliche but you are better off without him.

KittyAndTheFontanelles Wed 22-Jan-14 04:09:42

Hi middy, love smile

Oppressive regime my ample peaches angry

He's had free rein of the hippy hills as well as free rein of your hippy hills. confused

....and a Pied a Terre as well....

Idiot. As others have said; well rid. Just perhaps hard to see that right now.

I can't believe how he had treated his daughter toosad

themidwife Wed 22-Jan-14 04:56:40

Yes that's the thing that hurts most - of course I know it would never work apart from in my Disney princess head & the feelings I have for him are chemical & to do with attachment & physical yearning. In my logical brain I know he has caused us all endless stress & turmoil & pain. He spoilt Christmas Day because I "touted for sympathy" on Facebook by saying shame I was working but had seen some lovely Christmas babies. Someone commented - when was I doing the nut roast? - but I replied that I'd popped home between visits to put the turkey in because some of the kids would revolt if it was all vegetarian. He went mental saying I was making him look bad & lazy & touting for sympathy on FB & started shouting at me on Christmas Day & put a bitchy comment on Facebook. I unfriended him.

He recently hit my DD1 in the car for shouting & now introduces a woman & her kids to DD2 & DSD2 when they think he is still married to me.

A week ago I asked if we had split & he said no. I asked if I should cancel our trip to Bath & he said no he was sure things would be fine by then. Apparently he was already seeing this other woman at that stage.

He's a liar & a scumbag who uses his children to play super dad to lure another single mother in. angry

KittyAndTheFontanelles Wed 22-Jan-14 06:29:17

Your last paragraph has it all summed up really, doesn't it? sad

themidwife Wed 22-Jan-14 06:30:02

Yes I'm afraid so. sad

MissScatterbrain Wed 22-Jan-14 09:05:50

You are well rid.

He would have been kicked out the moment he hit my DC.

Counselling for you would be a good idea as you seem to keep getting into abusive relationships.

themidwife Wed 22-Jan-14 09:34:47

Yes I'm having psychotherapy to deal with this issue. All my partners apart from my teenage sweetheart have been abusive. My parents were neglectful & emotionally absent. I recognise this.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 22-Jan-14 10:25:46

He hit your DD1?!

And now he's after another woman with DCs.

He had a strange way of behaving if he thought he was in an oppressive regime.

RoxyRobin Wed 22-Jan-14 10:55:35

Aah, Midwife - I hardly ever come on here now but spotted your post and remembered you from long ago. Sorry that it's all turned out so disappointingly. He's been bloody hard work, hasn't he?

But don't depress yourself thinking you'll never have a fulfilling relationship with a good bloke. My DSis has had one tosspot after another throughout her adult life - she kept picking men who were somehow damaged, and thought stable men were boring. Once she hit her fifties she'd more or less given up on men. However, just by chance she encountered someone she knew years ago - and yes, she'd dismissed him as not edgy enough first time round. She's still with him over a year later, and we all think he's great - not in the least boring (funny and entertaining more like). He is sensible - but it's a good job one of them is.

I'd be pissed off if I was in your position and some random like me told me not to worry because against all expectation her DSis had found a nice man. 'So what?' I'd say. And I do know you have to grit your teeth at the mo and plough through some shit - but keep hold of the thought that if the likes of DSis can find a great bloke after a lifetime's grief there's hope for anybody (hope she's not reading this!).

Hope all goes well for you in court.

themidwife Wed 22-Jan-14 12:49:50

I'm not desperate for another relationship but I'd like to feel that I am not the person he says I am (awful in every way)

RoxyRobin Wed 22-Jan-14 13:51:10

Let's see how he gets on when he hasn't got you to blame for all the ills of his world. His new flame doesn't know what's she's got in store for her after the lovey-dovey bit has worn off. The blamers and underminers always revert to type.

Stop with the 'awful in every way'; I well remember your kindness and funniness on here. None of us are perfect (I'm turning into a right old bag for a kick-off) but don't take seriously all the shit he's chucked at you so he can kid himself he smells like a rose.

themidwife Wed 22-Jan-14 15:28:25

It's like he's turned into a monster! Tell me this is the script right? I asked very politely for my things back out of his house inc my mattress topper which I don't fancy being used by him with new woman. I offered to collect or he could deliver. He has replied that he will not be "bullied into stripping his bed & going round the house emptying drawers" & that I my text was "abusive" & he will not communicate with me further until I can be reasonable. shock

skyeskyeskye Wed 22-Jan-14 15:48:18

You can't reason with s

skyeskyeskye Wed 22-Jan-14 15:51:43

Stupid phone! You can't reason with somebody like that. If you asked nicely then no need for that response. My kneejerk reaction would be solicitors letter which of course would look even more unreasonable, but you wonder how else to deal with somebody who won't communicate.

You know this is him, not you. You know that they have to vilify the wife in order to not look bad themselves.

You know that he is the unreasonable one. Ignore it, and concentrate on yourself.

themidwife Wed 22-Jan-14 15:58:03

Now he's asking for my solicitor's details!!

AnyFucker Wed 22-Jan-14 16:11:39

Ignore him, love

Come on, you know the script

You decide what you want to do, in your own time

You have indulged this twat for far too long

Minimammoth Wed 22-Jan-14 16:14:10

I agree with Skye on the vilify bit. He sounds bonkers, and very unreasonable. I hope you have cancelled that Bath trip. Or go and take a nice friend.

themidwife Wed 22-Jan-14 16:23:35

Yes I've cancelled it & refund on the way. What does he want my auditor's details for? It's crazy!

themidwife Wed 22-Jan-14 16:24:05


Leavenheath Wed 22-Jan-14 17:22:08

It's certainly par for the course for a knobhead to get even more knobbish when a new woman's on the scene. I should think it's a familiar pattern you recognise though, love.

Try to disengage about anything other than divorce, money and kids. Focus on the battle ahead with the first knob and if there's any justice in this world, you'll get a good result and it will seem like a sign that at long last, your finances are at least secure. I know I bang on about women's financial independence on here, but my goodness there's a lot to be said for it.

themidwife Wed 22-Jan-14 17:41:38

The timing is shite, which of course he knew.

Leavenheath Wed 22-Jan-14 17:47:20

Is there a chance you might even be awarded a greater share of the property now that your personal circumstances have changed again?

Or is what you're hoping for the status quo with the share you'd previously agreed?

Have you had a chance to find out from your solicitor what current knobber would be entitled to, on your divorce? And what you'd be entitled to from him?

Because I might be missing something here, but if you ended up with a bigger share because of being left by current knob - or the same- and it all got settled next week, the timing might not be so bad after all.

themidwife Wed 22-Jan-14 17:57:52

No the % of the original order can never be changed. It's all about whether it's net or gross.

My changed circumstances may cause more pity from the judge & maybe that may affect his opinion but unlikely. He may give me more time & extend the timing. Who knows.

themidwife Wed 22-Jan-14 17:59:17

Sorry grammar failure! He may extend the terms of the order.

Leavenheath Wed 22-Jan-14 18:07:47


I'm not sure I understand, but have you spoken to your solicitor about the latest developments yet?

themidwife Wed 22-Jan-14 18:35:00

Yes. Seeing her on Monday & a barrister is defending me on Wednesday.

themidwife Thu 23-Jan-14 06:49:28

He's refusing to not have her & her kids there when he has our DCs. A few days ago we all thought we were a family. How can't he see this is not appropriate right now?

themidwife Sun 26-Jan-14 14:58:55

I can't seem to get a grip - still not eating or sleeping sad

RandomMess Sun 26-Jan-14 15:16:35

I'm not surprised lots of huge stuff going on for you.

How old are your dcs, I can't remember I'm afraid?

themidwife Sun 26-Jan-14 15:47:16

4, 9, 20 & 21 (older ones left home now)

RandomMess Sun 26-Jan-14 16:01:48

He's been stringing you all along for years I'm afraid. Let him dig his own grave with your dc, they will see him for who he is very very quickly.

themidwife Sun 26-Jan-14 18:40:03

Well it's only my youngest who is his & she adores him no matter what.

RandomMess Sun 26-Jan-14 18:46:06

Yes of course she adores him but she will also realise where his priorities are, which is very sad for her sad

themidwife Sun 26-Jan-14 19:54:54

Yes. All I want is for him to keep his new lady friend away from the kids for a few months. Not to much to ask is it?

RandomMess Sun 26-Jan-14 20:13:31

No it's not but if you say anything it will kick off even worse. He is not capable of putting the dc first.

themidwife Mon 27-Jan-14 12:01:05

He sat & watched me sob & sob last night & just said - you'll be fine & bye.

skyeskyeskye Mon 27-Jan-14 14:42:57

oh midwife, I am sorry that he is being such a bastard. and right at a time when you have this court case going on as well. I am sure that you would be dealing better with him if you didn't have that going on.

XH is sleeping with his OW when DD is there and it is so wrong as DD knows that she is married to his friend and told me that it is wrong. I can bring it up with him, but there is nothing that I can do to stop it, only be there for DD when she comes home upset.

I know that you always put the children first and if he really won't not have this woman around, then you either stop them going, which will aggravate the situation, or you could talk to them as best you can to explain very simply what is happening.

Your H has now joined the "callous cold bastard" club and he won't give a damn about your feelings now. What a prick.

Look after yourself.

themidwife Mon 27-Jan-14 16:42:25

Well he's sent an email today telling me he's divorcing me so that's that. He has no grounds though.

RandomMess Mon 27-Jan-14 21:48:09

Well he'll just have to wait for the 2 years seperation then won't he wink

PortofinoRevisited Mon 27-Jan-14 21:54:21

Don't let him in your house anymore. End of.

themidwife Tue 28-Jan-14 03:07:15

No I won't. I have a feeling he's going to make grounds up.

themidwife Tue 28-Jan-14 18:44:42

Yes I was right. He has said unless he receives a divorce petition from me within 4 weeks he will file for unreasonable behaviour "because he has grounds & it's impossible to contest them." This is a man who less than a month ago said I was the love of his life. confused

RandomMess Tue 28-Jan-14 18:52:05

It's up to you what you want to do - divorce him on adultery? Not sure what difference it makes to paying the costs although you don't need a solicitor to do the petition.

I would ask him for the court fees, about £500 I think.

themidwife Tue 28-Jan-14 18:56:33

If I divorce him for adultery it's normal practise for him to have to pay all my costs inc court fees & legal costs.

oldfatandtired1 Tue 28-Jan-14 19:17:22

midwife please get your petition in on UB first. Even Mother Theresa could be divorced on UB. Then he'll be liable for costs (for divorce that is, not financials).

Just back from solicitor today - I am petitioner on his UB (he's living with his secretary!) - he has applied for financials.

themidwife Tue 28-Jan-14 19:26:21

It'll be adultery. He's admitted it including her name in writing.

skyeskyeskye Fri 31-Jan-14 10:17:36

How did you get on in court? I hope you are doing OK.

themidwife Fri 31-Jan-14 14:20:19

He didn't turn up! Sigh! Another hearing in 2 months & now an application from my side to change the order.

skyeskyeskye Fri 31-Jan-14 14:44:14

What a twat. They should just throw it out if he can't be bothered to turn up.

captainmummy Fri 31-Jan-14 14:55:01

'Unreasonable behaviour' has to have examples and reasons.
Adultery has to have proof.

ultimately, to contest costs money.

themidwife Fri 31-Jan-14 16:06:44

We have proof of adultery so no problem there. He can wait for the absolute though!

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