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If your DH stays in hotels for work, do you know details?

(69 Posts)
oldzebra Mon 20-Jan-14 20:11:10

If you have a dh that has the type of "city" job where he is all over the country/sometimes in Europe at meetings, conferences etc. Masses of social events with clients - ie. attending sporting events and "dressy" occasions ie. at the races, lots of black tie dinners etc. - how much info do you have about what hotel he's at etc.? Do you have access to the hotel details or does he just say "I'm in Edinburgh tonight".

Been together 24 years (with an 18 month separation about 14 years ago) he left me for younger colleague. We got back together and not really had any suspicions in all that time.

Just over a year ago I suspected he was developing a crush on someone at work (also married, junior to him and 18 years younger). Also noticed the distancing behaviour and checking out of the marriage, phone never leaving his side.

I confronted him and he said that basically there was no “spark”, he didn’t think there ever had been etc.

I'd put on a lot of weight (3 1/2 stone)/completely stopped taking any care of myself. I said I’d been very depressed and if he was patient I’d get anti depressants and get fit, start taking care of myself and see if there was still no spark. (I have a busy job working from home as well as doing everything to run house, kids (17 and 9) bills etc.

He said he didn’t hold out any hope for our relationship. I found a couple of flirty emails between him and colleague X and walked out and left. I would not be made a mug of again. I should say here, that I don't believe anything has ever happened between him and colleague X. I think she is very much a woman in a man's world and flirts to get what she wants etc. However, my husband falling for this and running around after her etc, I find frankly cringe worthy.

I knew I needed to build a new life for myself and said he was full time parent, i'd be disney mum. I didn't worry about the kids as he is a loving father and would do everything for the kids.

I was gone for two weeks. He took that time off work and said he couldn't believe he'd left me alone to cope with everything and he wanted to make changes etc. For the first time in his life he'd felt the sheer relentless monotony of washing, cleaning, feeding children etc. He said he wanted to get back for the right reasons as we deserved to be a family again. He said if I didn't want that, he could get an au pair etc.

He always denied he had a crush. He said he accepted that maybe he'd been slightly inappropriate by responding to flirty emails as he was married etc and he understood it was disrespectful.

I agreed to come back, but only if he was completely open about passwords etc so that I could build trust up again.

A few months into our new start I found out he’d lied about a trip he was on. He told me colleague X wasn’t going to be there. Turns out he’d actually done her booking for her and was staying for 3 nights at the same hotel. They had meals near the hotel at the end of each working day.

He says he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want me overreacting to something he couldn’t change. His job does involve staying away with various members of the team. They were both working at the same event, and couldn’t eat separately.

I can understand this, however him booking her into a hotel was far too considerate and treating her like a princess – let her book her own bloody rooms. He said yes in future he would do that etc. Anyway that blew my trust away when I saw receipts etc that he’d been eating out with her and booking her into same hotel whilst saying just ran into her occasionally at the event. We spoke about it and he agreed to just say if she was going to be somewhere with him rather than "avoid me reacting" etc. I was very much swayed by his calm reaction and wanting to reassure me. I knew if he had something to hide he typically "storms off" etc.

The affair he'd had 14 years ago was now very much in my mind and I felt waves of insecurity etc. I'd question him where he's been etc and sometimes felt ill from worry. Gradually the trust started to return.
Sometimes hotels are booked by the travel department, but he says he prefers to do it himself as he can check for gym facilities etc. and in the past he would have used laterooms.

Cut to last week, the transparency we spoke about last year seems to have slightly disappeared at some stage. I was thinking things were ok but last week he was away overnight. I've had access to his account on laterooms, but hadn't logged on for about six months as things seemed ok for us.

I tried to log in to laterooms, but he’d changed his password. I mentioned this to him and he said he doesn't really use laterooms much any more and offered a suggestion as his password for laterooms, but it didn't work either.

Being able to know I could log into laterooms to see where he was staying, was part of me building up trust again.

I then realised he wasn’t having his work credit card statements sent to our home address anymore. I asked him and he said he didn’t really use laterooms anymore, didn't know about the credit cards.

He's been bit evasive and I haven't directly asked for new passwords etc. as I know what he's going to say. He feels like he's being checked up on etc. I'm very much if you've got nothing to hide, there's nothing to hide etc. Massive row yesterday.

I can't live without openness etc about where he is (based on previous infidelity). He says that was years ago and he's proved himself since then etc.

What do you think? In my position would you want access to hotel details? Or am I being unreasonable?

Domus Mon 20-Jan-14 20:37:11

No, I don't know the hotel details because I don't need to. DH tells me where (which city) he's in and I have his mobile/can contact work if I need him. However he absolutely would tell me if I asked and he does mention the hotels in passing "Oh good I'm at XYZ tonight, they have a nice pool" Or "pants it's ABC tomorrow, I don't like their breakfast"

I'm sorry but you have much bigger issues than not knowing which hotel he's in, but I think you know that really sad

oldzebra Mon 20-Jan-14 20:42:29

Hello thanks for replying. Yes, previous to last year I was same as you and didn't worry about details anyway. Since last year, and for building trust I feel differently. I haven't really had this out with him yet, just a sinking feeling about a conversation that needs to be had and what the outcome will be. I don't want to live not trusting, it definitely makes you ill. I need to find out what he's got to say and make a decision.

Twinklestein Mon 20-Jan-14 20:44:48

It's not for him to say whether he's proved himself. That's your call.

In your situation you should have access to whatever necessary to check if he's telling the truth. If it's not given, on his past track record, I would assume the worst.

CMOTDibbler Mon 20-Jan-14 20:47:01

I'm the main traveller, though dh travels too. Unless it comes up randomly as in 'I'll be glad to be at x again' or 'rats its the scummy y', we don't tell each other where we are. Though obv if the other asked we would.

In your situation, I think I'd be doing some joint and separate counselling to help him see that he needs to be open and honest, and for you to decide whether you can feel trust generally again.

LadyMud Mon 20-Jan-14 20:48:18

What about you, oldzebra? Do you still feel depressed? Are you now taking care of yourself?
If not, the reason is fairly obvious . . .

Twinklestein Mon 20-Jan-14 20:50:10

Btw my husband travels for work now and again, but he doesn't have a past history of lies and infidelity. What other people do in this scenario is irrelevant.

The real point of comparison would be to other women whose husband had been caught out lying and cheating.

oldzebra Mon 20-Jan-14 20:56:43

I would say the anti-depressants have worked. I've rediscovered an interest in listening to music. For several years I seriously "couldn't see the point"! I've got more desire and interest to do things, but feel frozen too. I'm trying to come down on the anti-d as I need to tackle the weight issue and I don't think they're helping that.

You're right that really the comparison is with someone whose husband has been lying previously. He doesn't get that.

Rosieliveson Mon 20-Jan-14 20:57:00

My husband travels a lot for work. He'll always tell me which hotel he's at and normally leaves the number. He also leaves flight numbers and contact details for team secretary who books their travel. Admittedly I don't strictly need the details as I have his mobile but he likes me to have it in case - which I like. I think any evasiveness about this would make me feel quite uneasy.

I hope nothing is going on for you OP.

tumbletumble Mon 20-Jan-14 21:02:49

As others have said, I don't know DH's hotel details, but he'd give them to me without hesitation if I asked. The password change / credit card thing does sound a bit dodgy to me OP. Hope you're OK.

BeforeAndAfter Mon 20-Jan-14 21:04:40

My XH travelled a great deal. His secretary would send me his itinerary automatically - it was just the system he had requested. I don't think I ever read it but I did appreciate the transparency. It didn't stop him having an affair with someone who wasn't work related.

Beastofburden Mon 20-Jan-14 21:08:01

I only know what city he is in, sometimes just which country. I rely on his mobile. He does meet certain colleagues regularly depending on the country, but it's more a reunion kind of thing.

But that's normal for people who haven't cheated. Your OH doesn't get that privilege any more.

Twinklestein Mon 20-Jan-14 21:10:46

That 'frozen' feeling is a response to stress.

It seems like you're frozen in a kind of limbo whereby you want to be able to trust your husband but you don't really know what he's up to.

chutneypig Mon 20-Jan-14 21:11:55

I'm away for the next two nights and DH has no idea of details beyond what city I'm in but I would obviously tell him if he asked or it came up in conversation.

I'd agree with PP that under your circumstances any evasiveness would trouble me.

Namechanger102 Mon 20-Jan-14 21:14:24

I think your DH hasn't really got to grips with the reasons within his own personality that meant he could give himself permission to have an affair in the first place. If he had done, he would have been able to put the shutters down on the crush by telling you about it before it developed. He would also be 100% transparent about hotels etc whether you wanted him to be or not. He would be the one who just provided the info.

Lots of red flags here sorry.

Winterwardrobetime Mon 20-Jan-14 21:19:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oldzebra Mon 20-Jan-14 21:20:24

He thinks the fact the infidelity was 14 years ago makes it irrelevant today.

I've tried to explain (without wishing to sound over dramatic) but it's almost a post traumatic stress reaction. A certain chain of events, or mannerism that reminds me of that time, will "put me straight back there". However, that wasn't the case for a long time and it has been triggered again by last year's events.

He says he can't understand my extreme reaction to a couple of flirty emails. He says he'd understand it if he'd been as he charmingly puts it "ball deep". However, he feels it was entirely innocent etc.

You're right entirely about why I feel frozen. Hadn't thought of it like that before. It feels very risky to trust someone who you know is capable of lying.

Namechanger102 Mon 20-Jan-14 21:20:30

Affairs can be forgiven and couples can move on but I don't think they can be forgotten and his attitude that it's all in the past coupled with his current evasiveness looks bad, sorry.

Namechanger102 Mon 20-Jan-14 21:22:00

Sadly, he doesn't get it, does he?
Infidelity is never irrelevant.

If work happen to send a nice typed up list of flights / hotels etc, I'll forward it to DH. Otherwise he just knows where I'm going.

Likewise he will forward his flight details to me, and depending on how the hotel is booked, it may have hotel details on it. I wouldn't ask for them, but often know where he is "the X is full, and I'm back in the scummy Y with no restaurant"

BUT, if asked, I'd get the details out for him, and he would do the same for me. I think you need mopre than that because of what has happened previously.

However, what security would the knowledge give you? ie you know he's in the Parris Hilton, but it still wouldn't tell you if he was there with anyone?

MinesAPintOfTea Mon 20-Jan-14 21:30:49

Dh well mention it in passing or I ask him.

But that's not what you're really asking is it? You're asking if someone who has recently cheated and should be doing everything in his power to regain trust is behaving acceptably by lying about his whereabouts. And I think you know the answer to that one.

From the way he has acted, Id say you are well within your rights to ask for Hotel details for every trip away.

Does he regularly go to the same cities, as he may tend to use one Hotel. Similarly, if he travels regularly, try and get him signed up to a Points scheme - Hilton, Marriott etc, as then he is more likely to ise them and you can sort of 'keep tabs' by counting up hos points / stays on the pretext of using the points towards stays for the two of you.

Twinklestein Mon 20-Jan-14 21:39:16

I don't think you are being over dramatic by calling it post traumatic stress, that's exactly what I inferred from your description of feeling 'frozen'. Pts is a feeling of 'overwhelming stress', and the freeze is a survival mechanism.

Inertia Mon 20-Jan-14 21:46:58

My DH links me in to the travel planner he uses so I have full details of all flights, travel times, hotel bookings. He keeps in touch by text, phone or email every day, even with time differences.

He also has no history of affairs or lying. Given what you've said about how your H is behaving now, and how he's cheated in the past, I'd also be very suspicious. He's being very evasive about something.

PurpleSprout Mon 20-Jan-14 21:52:25

I send DP my trip advisor confirmations & he usually sends me a link to TripCase for his travels. I'm the more frequent traveller by a long way.

I'm not sure I actually read his TripCase blush or he my emails to be honest (since he's been known to ask where I am), but the info's out there.

I have a city type job btw. I eat on my own often. It's a rare occasion where I have to eat with a colleague near the hotel and particularly not a junior (if the boss wants dinner, I'd tend to go but that's for my own benefit, if a peer or junior it's is I want to go).

I often have early flight and late working, so can use that as an excuse (I'm not trying to avoid an affair, but would just often prefer to go for a light seafood dinner at a restaurant I like than yet another stodgy meal with the same people I've been with all day. I'm weird like that.)

Point is, I can't see why your DH if senior couldn't:

- Have a headache
- Be going to the gym
- Want a quiet one
- Have to stay back & not sure when he'll be free so just go for dinner without me

I did have a few colleagues that wouldn't eat out alone so if saying no they were doomed to M&S takeaway pasta for one, but tbh that's their problem not mine. I've never felt the least bit odd in a restaurant in the City with my Kindle. Me and ever second person there in some of them... hmm

I think your DH is being at best disingenuous. You absolutely can avoid people on business trips if you want to, unless you're in a hotel in the sticks on a training course or something (which doesn't sound like the situation here).

CookieDoughKid Mon 20-Jan-14 21:57:08

He won't explain his credit card statements.
He won't show them to you.
He won't give you passwords.
He's over-reacting.
He's hiding something.

Sorry but I would go mental and would not back down or be at ease until he provides me all that I'm asking.

He should be trying to outprove you that's he's on the straight & narrow. Not the other way round.

FluffyJumper Mon 20-Jan-14 21:58:03

Have you thought you might be flogging a dead horse?

Cabrinha Mon 20-Jan-14 22:06:29

I work away a lot. My ex never even knew which country half the time! We weren't getting on, no closeness - current boyfriend would know just from chit chat - but not the hotel name. Now we all have mobiles, it's irrelevant really.

This struck me though, in your OP: "Being able to log in to laterooms was part of building up trust again".

I'd say that checking rooms isn't part of building trust - it's part of the shit effect of fidelity that you lead a crappy life you don't want, checking up, "forcing" honesty. Where trust is rebuilt, you don't need to check hotels. My ex cheated on me loads (not work, prostitutes) so I do understand that crazy checking, and how awful it is.

Look, I think a man gives you reason to trust again not by giving passwords but by being scrupulously honest, always. You wouldn't need to be checking hotel names if you could trust him to say "I know this will be hard for you, but in staying at the same hotel as X. I want you to know I'll avoid her as much as I can, and call you every evening". (better still, book a different hotel, but as a work traveller I know that's hard)

Rebuilding trust is something HE has to do, not you.
Honesty, you sound so sad - and I think you'd be happier calling it a day. You don't HAVE to forgive him. You simply may not be able to trust him again. Too often women seem to come across as thinking that's a failing on their part. It isn't - he broke this, not you.

I'm sorry x

something2say Mon 20-Jan-14 22:10:29

Old zebra it think my partner would not behave like that with other women, not because he thinks it is wrong, but because he loves me and isn't interested in other women. You can check up on your husband as much as you like but what your long long op smacks of is that he doesn't love you. I think that isn't good enough for you. Fuck him off, lose the weight and being again, your children are older, get back out there and have an absolute whale of a time. This man is a complete waste of your life and beauty my dear, seriously. You can have a much better time than this, and you deserve one x

something2say Mon 20-Jan-14 22:11:37

Lovely post cabrinha x

LadyLapsang Mon 20-Jan-14 22:14:15

Sometimes I'm even a bit hazy on the country, but no news is good news, if he misses a flight he'll soon be on the phone! He has stayed in apartments for a few months and I don't have the address but he has no history of being unfaithful. He's away tonight and I know what city he is in and the travel details and type of accommodation but not the details. (I know the details now - he's just rung.)

OP, I thought it was a bit strange in your original post that you mentioned he had booked the hotel for a colleague. I travel too and we normally book our own accommodation through a booking agent or occasionally a junior colleague / PA will arrange a big booking for a conference etc. but we wouldn't normally book for a colleague although we would make sure we were in the same hotel with anyone we needed to work with or wanted to socilalise with.

MeganBacon Mon 20-Jan-14 22:15:22

I don't think you are overreacting. I think he sounds like a person who is only ever reluctantly faithful. That's not a reflection on you or even your relationship, and the tragedy of posts such yours is that women are made to feel that it's all down to them. It's not. It's just the make up of his character that he feels he can check out of his commitments, and fundamentally that is unlikely to change except possibly with encroaching old age. Until then, he may make effort for a while, but it would always require effort because reluctant fidelity is his default position. You deserve way better than this and I really hope you inch your way, one step at a time, bravely towards that outcome.
My DH and I both travel for business and don't really bother telling each other which hotel, fwiw, but if I asked I'd get the full low down.

MeganBacon Mon 20-Jan-14 22:17:13

Sorry that sounded a bit harsh. Just want to say I have been where you are and it made me an utterly miserable human being for many years. So I do sympathise.

ITCouldBeWorse Mon 20-Jan-14 22:17:33

If either of us travels we leave precise details of where we can be contacted in case of emergency - accident illness etc. mobiles alone are not infallible where dh travels. If he holiday, we leave contact details with my sister - just good practice surely?

So, yes I think he is up to no good.

I also think your depression and misery would be alleviated if you were to separate.

He does not sound like a caring, interesting, thoughtful, respectful man.

WhereMyMilk Mon 20-Jan-14 22:24:08

DH always leaves full details of flights and hotels TBH-I hardly ever look, just will note country for time difference!

He gives me the details in case I can't get hold of him on his mobile-if reception is shit for example and need to get him in an emergency.

Cabrinha Mon 20-Jan-14 22:25:02

I don't think it's helpful to get into whether it's normal to book for a colleague or not. We just don't know in his case. As it happens, in my team of 9, we often do - within particular friendship groups -we've worked together a long time. It's only relevant if the OP's husband doesn't usually do it, but does for one person.

But this is what I think is important: this having to post on the internet to ask what's normal... THAT'S the shit infidelity leaves you with. It grinds you down so much more than you realise, until you no longer care and stop doing it. I didn't know the weight that was on my shoulders until it lifted.

If you still feel like you need to ask these questions, then he hasn't done what he needs to.

sebsmummy1 Mon 20-Jan-14 22:25:36

I have absolutely no idea where my OH stays and half the time even which country he is in when he is travelling, but I trust him implicitly and that's the key difference here.

In your situation I don't think I would trust your husband either, he seems very slippery about details. I'm not sure I would expect to have open access to all accounts and passwords, however him no longer getting the credit card statements sent to his home address is very fishy. Unless he has just gone paperless.

Tinks42 Mon 20-Jan-14 22:25:58

He wonders why you are upset about a "couple of flirty emails" I haven't been through anything you have but I can say with certainty I would be furious about a them, and yes I'd be hauling him over hot coals. I would also think he was cheating.

Sorry also x

uggmum Mon 20-Jan-14 22:28:17

My dh works away from home. He's worked away for years and most of the time I don't know where he is staying.

However, about 18 mths ago he was travelling back home and had a serious car accident. Hit head on at high speed by a drunk driver. I was at work at the time and assumed he was home already when I got a call from the police. It was a massive shock.

This has had an impact on me and these days I like to know where he is staying. So me usually texts me the name of the hotel. He also keeps in touch with me during the day/evening. We will text/call eachother during the course of the day.

As a previous poster suggested he has loyalty cards for the major chains and earns points with his stays. This means that we can stay for free whenever we want a weekend away.

Cabrinha Mon 20-Jan-14 22:31:11

Also OP, I'm sorry this is harsh but...
That business of him dealing alone with kids for 2 weeks and realising the monotony and therefore appreciating you?
Utter bullshit.
He realised he didn't want to do it. Not quite the same thing as appreciating you.
He said he didn't see a future in your relationship. Why would a bit of washing up change that?

stickysausages Mon 20-Jan-14 22:33:01

As above, don't have details as don't need to know. He's at the end of a mobile, although he usually tells me afterwards where it was, in conversation as in it was nice, or that we should go sometime, or like last time that he was freezing & practically slept in his clothes!

OddFodd Mon 20-Jan-14 22:39:17

But it wasn't 14 years' ago. It was last year that he was flirting with X and that he told you he'd checked out of the marriage. You came back because he wanted life to carry on as before.

Apart from that, what's changed? He's seeing X. Whether it's a physical affair or not is kind of irrelevant. You're back to being the housekeeper and nanny.

And his lines about booking hotels himself because he can check details or that he has to eat with colleagues are rubbish, sorry. I've travelled a lot with work and ALL big corporate hotels have gyms. And I hate eating with colleagues so unless client entertaining is involved, I have room service (I don't like to eat out alone).

feelingvunerable Mon 20-Jan-14 22:50:14

I'm sorry but I think the truth is staring you in the face.

Your dh is capable of shagging another woman and not caring too much about how this affects you or his family.

How do you know that it was just "flirty texts" this is what my ex told me, the trith was somewhat different.

He has only admitted to that much because that is all you have concrete evidence for.

He asked you to come back because he doesn't want to do his own domestic chores. Sorry that is harsh but true. Who the fuck is he trying to kid that an au pair would do as much as you do-seriously?

He wants to have his cake and eat it.

He is hiding receipts and covering his tracks because he is lying to you.

The 2 choices you have are:

Suck it up and accept this second class life of constant lies, fear and deceipt, or

Leave/tell him to leave and rebuild your new life where eventually you will feel happier.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Really it is insignificant what others do, think about your own happiness from now on.

oldzebra Mon 20-Jan-14 22:55:48

Thanks everyone for your comments. Yes I feel very sad. Sometimes I see him as someone I can love and take a risk of jumping fully in, but also sometimes I see he's an immature, selfish dick.

Diagonally Mon 20-Jan-14 22:56:44

I quite agree, in those two weeks he saw his future life flash before his eyes and realized he'd be mad to walk out on you. Where would he find someone else willing to cater to all his domestic needs while he swans around having dinner and sharing hotels with "crushes" 18 years his junior?

He's taking the absolute p***.

shey02 Mon 20-Jan-14 23:14:52

Agreed. And btw you are being more than reasonable and are bending over backwards to accomodate him emotionally... At the absolute least owes you complete transparency given the ordeal that he has put you through.

I've been in your situation, I was scared to leave, scared to stay. In the end I did what frightened me the most because the end product was the unknown, a slight chance that I'd be happier.... So I left and I was, after a remarkably short time, happier. No regrets about that, only that I wish I'd done it sooner.

Sorry about what you're going through. Hugs

Tonandfeather Tue 21-Jan-14 00:21:22

I'd say your husband has done a cost-benefit analysis.

Stay married, keep assets, extra shags paid for by the corporation's hotel/expense policy, being able to say "I'm married and I can't leave the children" versus paying for an au pair, losing over 50% of assets, paying divorce and lawyer costs and having to be honest with the latest woman.

It looks like he's at it again, so cut your losses because this one ain't never going to change.

My DH always tells me the name of his hotel, but that is partly because the nature of his work often means that there is very limited mobile phone reception so I would have to call the hotel if I needed to contact him.

When I was travelling, I always told him where I was going to be. And I would eat with male colleagues if there was someone around to break up the monotony. But DH always knew that, because all my colleagues were male.

I think your DH needs to take your concerns more seriously. At the moment he is taking you for granted, patronising you and minimising your (reasonable given his history) concerns. He seems to think that you will not leave.

Joysmum Tue 21-Jan-14 09:50:58

My hubby works away a lot. I had been cheated on in a previous relationship and scared it'd happen again, although didn't believe anything had happened.

Then hubby thought it'd be better for me and him to omit to tell me have was staying away with a female colleague and I only found out when he answered the phone when in hands free and I could hear her. That played to all my fears, I went fucking nuts, he came home. I believed his reasons for doing it but my fears tore me up. I explained that I can't abide liars, if he lies (by omittence) then being lied to hurts me more than my fears that lead me to imagine infidelity ever could and I need transparency, no matter how much he thinks otherwise. Despite this, he omitted to tell me again and admitted he never would have if I hadn't found out. I went fucking mad, asked him to imagine how he'd feel if I'd kept something like that from him, despite him never having been cheated on and me never having given him cause to doubt like he had once before. Point made, we've never had an issue since.

That was years ago, he now fully realises how wrong he was given how much more relaxed and confident I am now he's fully transparent.

I don't get given hotel details, don't ask for them but if I needed to ask there'd be no issue. Having details if hotels won't tell you anything about possible fidelity issues anyway.

Now, things are much better for me. Of course I still fear he'll cheat or that he will suddenly decide I'm not his true love, difference is that it is just a fear and not fed by lies by omittence. To me, it's the same as my reoccurring nightmare I have about my daughter drowning. Both are based on fears founded from previous experience (I nearly drowned as a child) but neither are increasing likely given the situation today.

In short, both hubby and I fully accept and acknowledge my fears but ensure that we manage life to ensure that those fears aren't fed. If you break your finger hitting it with a hammer when knocking a nail in, you'll always be wary, that'll never leave you and will feature in your thoughts till the day you die. Same thing goes where you've had a partner be unfaithful in the past, more so if it's your current partner. Both of you need to fully understand and appreciate this will always be so.

MissScatterbrain Tue 21-Jan-14 10:54:12

Its sounds like things were swept under the carpet 14 years ago and he never really addressed what made him after the affair and as a result he is still behaving like a selfish entitled dick.

I agree with the poster who says that its not surprising you have depression - it must be a real headfuck having to eat a shit sandwich and put up with his behaviour.

I am sure that he is a serial cheater -after all he knows he got away with it before.

The fact that there isn't total transparency, that he still lies and sends flirty texts/emails etc show he has NOT learned his lesson, that he does NOT give a shit about his marriage or you. He has NO respect for you at all and sees you as the skivvy raising his kids and keeping his home.

Get rid. You are worth much more that this.

MissScatterbrain Tue 21-Jan-14 10:54:47

*what made him have the affair

oldzebra Tue 21-Jan-14 11:18:12

Thanks for the responses. I think part of my being frozen problem is I can't really trust my reactions recently. This is because a lot of the depression was contributed by us losing everything financially.

We may get it back at some stage in the future, but equally it looks as if we may not. So we've been renting for 7 years now. This means on splitting up, there won't really be much to split! He earns a very good salary and I run all the money stuff and we don't have any debt as of this month.

He works for a large firm and his company credit card statement, which used to arrive here, doesn't anymore. All the spending he does is really on that card.

Also last year my mum died after a long illness.

I don't know if I feel frozen because of the financial worries and my mum and can't move forward. Or, if it's because I feel I don't trust him.

MissScatterbrain Tue 21-Jan-14 11:22:37

He has done a great job of stamping on your self esteem - you sound so crushed and empty sad

How did the financial worries happen? were these down to his spending?

oldzebra Tue 21-Jan-14 11:27:47

No, they were down to investments made just before the credit crunch. It's invested in property developments abroad, banks stopped lending and nothing really moved forward since then....

At the same time he was working at a smaller company which basically stopped paying him and promised him this, that and the other - not of which materialised. He was effectively working for nothing for nearly a year helping them to prop things up. They always had a convincing reason to delay things.

Twinklestein Tue 21-Jan-14 11:34:40

I'm sorry to hear about your mum OP.

The frozen feeling is probably a mixture of all of these factors. The more distress you experience the more numb you become.

Can you arrange for some counselling through your GP? You sound very much in need of support right now.

Diagonally Tue 21-Jan-14 13:41:12

Splitting can be easier when you have nothing.

Have you taken any legal advice? It might be worth finding out where you stand now.

MissScatterbrain Tue 21-Jan-14 13:52:23

Seeing a solicitor will help you feel more in control of your life even if you do not decide to split up.

oldzebra Tue 21-Jan-14 14:03:12

Thank you, I will think about it. Just processing lots of stuff really. I've told him we need some space to be sure of any decision. Feels like I've completely stepped outside of the situation and I'm looking at the two of us now. Don't want to be drawn into any arguments. Detached.

Joysmum Tue 21-Jan-14 15:33:06

I can totally relate to you not trusting your judgement, I was the same when I'd discovered my husbands lies. I won't lie, I didn't trust him, didn't trust myself. As it was, the way I look at things is that I was dead right not to trust him, right because he was lying, wrong because it wasn't my biggest a fear of infidelity, 'only' him lying.

Difference is, my husband is nothing but understanding. If I'd posted my fears on mumsnet at time, or posted about the extreme levels of fear and mistrust I was going through back then, the majority of responses I'd have got would have been to LTB and that there was no hope given my levels of mistrust and that I'd either push him away or drive myself crazy. It's been a good number of years since those dark days and I'm glad we both thought it worth working through.

Getting to the stage of leaving needs to be a process, and only occur when all hope has gone of either one, or both people wanting to try to improve things.

Jaffacakesallround Tue 21-Jan-14 15:48:23

My DH works away a lot and I insist I have the details- sometimes the mobile signals are poor or don't work and I want a landline and location for emergencies- how else would I- or you- contact them if we needed them home fast?

But I don't really see why knowing which hotel he's in has anything to do with proving or disproving an affair.

He could sleep with a woman in his room- or hers at another hotel.

Location is not an issue surely?

Re. the credit card statements, my DH uses a card purely for expenses and it's registered in his name and arrives here. If yours has changed his address then that is something only he could do.

It seems rather dim though because unless he is accounting for his personal dates on an expense account, why would he need to hide the statements?

I'm sorry to be blunt but your whole marriage seems a bit dodgy. He had an affair when you had a 3 year old, 14 years back. You now have a 17 and 9 yr old. I can see the 9 yr old takes up your time but the teen ought to be helping around the house now!

A year ago your DH said there was 'no spark' and you offered to lose weight and start taking ADs. Do you not see anything wrong in that behaviour? Yes, you should sort yourself out re, weight and depression, but for you- not to 'keep a man. It makes you sound desperate and lacking in self respect.

Have you got to the route of why you are depressed? hHve you had any talking therapy via your GP? Is your marriage the reason you are depressed?

I don't know if he is having an affair but his behaviour raises questions for sure.

I think you sound on the back foot all the time. You jump to his tune. If he says there is no spark, well what is he going to do about that? Why is it down to you?

Maybe you ought to think about whether you want to be with this man or not, whatever. He doesn't sound much of a catch.

feelingvunerable Wed 22-Jan-14 21:05:25

Are you ok op?

Lambzig Wed 22-Jan-14 21:28:55

OP I hope you are ok. I think your issues are way bigger than knowing which hotel he is in, but I think you are absolutely right to have concerns.

Up until recently, I didn't know what hotel DH stayed in, didn't need to, but now we have two small DC, I tend to get the name off him, just as a back up if I needed to get hold of him.

However, I don't think that's the problem here.

Littleen Wed 22-Jan-14 23:32:35

It sounds very dodgy, and I can understand your anxiety. My other half does not work away, but I was commuting away 3-4 days a week for 2 years. He always knew where I was staying, and what I was up to that day - even who I was hanging out with. This was just stuff that we would chat about every day, nothing to do with infidelity or anxiety on either part, just the (for us) normal "update" of what's up. We have each others pw's, details for most stuff, and I do the boring bank stuff, so open his bank statements, which he doesn't ever look at anyway! This is also how me and my ex had it, completely open and no doubts about what was going on. Seems normal to me anyway. I'd be very suspicious to your husband. Perhaps give couples counselling a go (you are "entitled" to demanding this) as a last resort, but like others have said, you are worth more than this guy - most men are not like him. I wish you the best of luck! brew

oldzebra Thu 23-Jan-14 11:21:21

Thanks for all your comments. I've had lots to think about and it's really helped to see it from the outside.

Someone above mentioned, how would it prove he wasn't being unfaithful to know the hotel details. It's more the fact that he's changed his password at some stage, and now apparently books direct etc means he's starting to be secretive again. That's the issue really.

However, I still haven't had this particular discussion with him. He said he's had enough of 20 questions and thinks some space will do us good. So not really seen him all week again.

Was always more or less a tee-total person. However, the last few years I've started drinking wine late at night. As well as the over eating all adds to leaving me "stuck" with the weight issue and "stuck" with my life.

Haven't had any wine now since Saturday. Haven't stayed up late to avoid going to bed. Haven't been overeating. Also feel calmer.

Although, intellectually I knew the eating and drinking was caused by not dealing with my feelings, it wasn't emotionally getting through. Literally, the food is just stuffed down on top of my feelings so I don't feel anything. This meant I've just carried on in the same circle. I really feel like I've stepped outside of the circle and can say what I feel for a change. Felt numb before, but now feel detatched, which doesn't seem like a bad feeling, given the situation.

What I feel is more alone when he's here, than when he's not. When he's here he's always tired (which I fully understand). He's either in the bath, laying on the bed looking at ipad or reading, or sleeping. He doesn't ever want to sit in the same room in the evening once the kids have to bed etc. Says hes bored with tv and has no interest in watching it. If I sit with him while he's going through work emails then "i'm spying" on him etc.

I absolutely hate smoking and I am sick of seeing him pacing around the garden smoking and on his phone (to be fair we don't have a good signal at all, live on edge of forest etc). However, it all adds to the impression of a caged animal that doesn't want to be with me.

However, if I address this, then I'm wrong. He's just tired etc. But just saying out loud, you know what I don't care you say you're fine etc, don't want to split up. Every fibre of your body screams the opposite.

Really don't think I'm going to have any trouble losing weight and getting fit now.

Obviously, his side would be a long list of problems he has with me etc. and you know what I say, if you dislike me so much then fuck off. But it all just stays "stuck".

We are all on the high functioning autistic spectrum. My son was diagnosed at 3. My daughter covered it up so well, that even I wasn't sure, but she was diagnosed at 6.

Having it myself, I know how difficult it can be to spot and how "normal" we can appear to others. I took my dd to one of the top specialists in the country, as I knew we needed someone that understood how effective "covering" techniques are; after the diagnosis, they told me that they were extremely surprised themselves and could understand my reasons for seeking out very experienced autism experts.

I'm just giving this background info to explain we all have it, but to all intents and purposes no one else would know. My husband's job involves continuous entertaining of clients, networking etc and he's able to keep his act up, however it does mean he crashes and burns and needs lots of down time to unwind. Covering the asd is exhausting at the end of each day. Time is needed by everyone to to process and "think" about the day, but with the asd it's a little more intense and you need to think without being interrupted etc. IYKWIM? a little more than people not on the asd.

So I do cut him some slack, but even so I know I don't want to be around this pacing, caged, secretive person he becomes.

Jaffacakesallround Thu 23-Jan-14 12:05:37

A very close friend's DH had an affair 2 years back and they went for counselling afterwards. His affair was with a colleague on another continent. Their counsellor told them that having exact contact details for hotels etc was the absolute minimum expected between couples when one works away.

I don't think this will help your situation now- but just to throw it in to the mix.

I think your DH has just checked out of your marriage. Sorry.

It's easy to blame ASD or Aspergers for behaviour but if he can manage to ntertain at work etc then he can't be that badly affected. has he had a real diagnosis or is it your diagnosis of him which gives him a 'reason' to behave as he does?

I once thought my DH had Aspergers( he hasn't) and my counsellor gave me a book to read Aspergers in Love. It's worth reading and if your marriage survives could be helpful.

But his self-absorbed behaviour and reluctance to engage with you on any meaningful level does not bode well.

Are you going to be able to make the break? Or put up with yet more shit from him?

MissScatterbrain Thu 23-Jan-14 12:46:18

I agree that its easy to blame ASD/aspergers.

However it could be that he has chosen affairs as his coping mechanism and that he is self medicating by using the ego boosts and thrills he get from from cheating.

Still a very messed up situation. He sounds very detached and has no interest in making it work so I am afraid you have no chance of succeeding sad

Cut your losses and focus on yourself and rebuilding your life.

CookieDoughKid Sat 25-Jan-14 00:03:02

Op - Quite frankly, it sounds to me your dh has no interest in being with you. What is it do you want to change given that it's impossible to change your dh? Yes, your dh may be on the ASD spectrum etc but IMO, did he not have a perfectly functional mind when changing his passwords and getting in touch with these women?

Whatever you do, please don't make excuses for your dh as he is an adult, and I assume control of his own d$ck. I read your post to my dh about booking the hotel rooms etc and my dh responded with just one reply 'He just wanted to get into her knickers'.

CookieDoughKid Sat 25-Jan-14 00:03:35

And that's a MAN's perspective.

ForalltheSaints Sat 25-Jan-14 08:35:49

Could you contact him if one of the children was involved in an accident, or if you were seriously ill? That should be the main concern.

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