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Help me settle a argument?

(49 Posts)
rubyrubyrubyrub Mon 20-Jan-14 14:30:25

My partner and I have been together 8 years, one DS 31 weeks pg. We have had many money issues in the past, but finally we have pulled ourselves out of the shit and are a bit more sorted.

We have always had crappy cars, there has been a couple of points where we have had to have 2 crappy cars for work purposes but the past 2 years or so have managed with just one, a 13 year old heap!

I have been doing some internet work (nothing dodgy!) in order to pay back my mum 12 k from a business my mum and I started, but we never made a profit for 2 years (hence many of the money issues in the past) and decided to pack it in, this was half her redundancy money and I vowed to pay it back, a month ago I finally did it. She decided that she didnt need the money for a couple of months and we could borrow 3k to get a decent car, I planned to carry on with the internet work, to pay it back. The main issue with having just the one car being having to get both me and DS out of bed at 6am to take partner to work and pick him up, it was making me shattered, and was only going to get worse with a new born in 9 weeks, therefore a second car would be used for family use and the old banger for partner to get to work and back.

Now we both earn around the same amount and have always shared our money, however I kind of see this new car as mine, I worked to pay for it, and will continue to do so, wouldn't have been able to do but it without my mum, partner sees it as ours, says that as we share money bills etc that it is "our" car. Its only been a week since we have had it and has caused many arguments already, he wont even get in it if I am going to drive it, he insists on driving it everywhere, and he has kicked off twice today as I asked him to take the old one to work, he says that our relationship is not equal, that I dictate who should drive the car etc etc. It all sounds to petty written down, but its causing me some stress (and tears!) and I am tempted to just sell the bloody thing but its been the nicest thing I/we have had for years. Sorry its long, am I being unreasonable here?

Juno77 Mon 20-Jan-14 14:32:48

Sorry OP, but YABU.

It is a shared car. It's not your car.

Why won't you let him take it to work? Why not do alternate days with the nice new car?

LeafyGreen13 Mon 20-Jan-14 14:37:55

Alternate? But then you have to move the car seats over every day. What a huge hassle!

I think he's being childish.

rubyrubyrubyrub Mon 20-Jan-14 14:41:27

Its not that I wont let him take it to work, just the newer car is safer with me being PG and having to drive DS about, he only goes 10 mins down the road to work and back, whereas I am here there and everywhere.

Juno77 Mon 20-Jan-14 14:41:40

Really? A huge hassle?

We have one car seat. It is literally no hassle to swap it into each others cars/grandparents cars/babysitters cars etc.

Takes 2 minutes!

Juno77 Mon 20-Jan-14 14:42:15

If it is a safety issue, then make sure he knows that and tell him you feel safer in the new car.

If he doesn't care after that, he is a knob.

QualityJanitor Mon 20-Jan-14 14:42:48

If his work is only 10 minutes' drive away, why the hell can't he walk or ride a bike? Then you could cope with just one car.

Cabrinha Mon 20-Jan-14 14:45:20

You're definitely unreasonable to think of it as yours. Not if you've always merged finances. Would you like him saying "put that mug back in the cupboard honey, that's one I bought"?!

I'd have a big issue with my partner insisting that he always drove though... did that happen when you had just one car? Is it because you're pregnant?

rubyrubyrubyrub Mon 20-Jan-14 14:45:34

Its ten mins away but down a dual carriage way so probably about 6 miles, no cycle route unfortunately. Thanks for the replies so far.

Cabrinha Mon 20-Jan-14 14:45:55

Also - work is a 10 minute drive and you've been getting up at 06:00?!!! Bike?!

HauntedNoddyCar Mon 20-Jan-14 14:47:59

Somebody's name has to go on the paperwork and insurance!

It makes more sense for pg wife and dc to have safer car rather than it being parked at his workplace. Why does he drive to work?

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKaleesi Mon 20-Jan-14 14:48:01

YABU massively unreasonable to see the car as yours. Do you view everything paid for by your DP as only his?

The car should be used by whoever needs it most in the best way to benefit everybody

Cabrinha Mon 20-Jan-14 14:50:56

I'm curious about the safety thing. Is that just an excuse cos you want the newer car? How much of an old banger is the other one? For £3K you could get two 10 year old Ford Focuses - I choose that as it's what I drive, and I believe it has a good safety rating and airbags. If the other car isn't safe enough, neither of you should drive it. You'd have been better off using part of the money on a new car, and part on another - perhaps after saving up a bit longer.

Cabrinha Mon 20-Jan-14 14:53:30

He's being totally unreasonable with the refusing to get in if you are driving it though.
I'm interested in whether he's digging his heels in because you've been insisting it's yours... or whether he's always a knob.

rubyrubyrubyrub Mon 20-Jan-14 14:55:25

So the safety issue is not the biggest issue, the new one has side airbags and feels safer, but obviously i have been driving the old one (13 year old micra) about without issue previously, it was just kind of roughly agreed that he would use the old one as he only goes down the road and back in it, and the newer one would be a family car. I dont really see things as mine and his, but the work I have been doing to pay for it is time consuming and totally separate to our household finances, therefore it is not our money but I guess its my mums as it was to pay her back, maybe I am being a bit unreasonable and need to reach a compromise.

rubyrubyrubyrub Mon 20-Jan-14 14:56:25

Cabrinha, a bit of both me thinks!

Seems sensible to me that he has older car for work and you have the newer one for your work-from-home-with-LOs.

Cabrinha Mon 20-Jan-14 15:05:12

My ex and I had separate cars, very much each our own. His far nicer, so tended to get used for joint trips if long trips. In which case, he'd tend to start driving and I'd take over for a break. Short trips where there'd be alcohol, we generally took my car as I'm not a drinker. So there was a bit of a default that we each drive own car, and took whichever car matched the driver. Mine would get used for the tip trips as older - so again, I'd default grab the keys.

I do think you really need to get past the "my car" thing, when everything is joint. I'd probably even apologise to him for that - difficult to say, as can't tell who has been unreasonable most ;)

Who drives it more depends on practicality - e.g. If the micra is a3 door and you have a baby car seat - you! All things being equal, just alternate weeks.

As for him default driving it when you're together... Would irritate the tits off me, but think you have to think about how it was with the Micra. Did he always drive? You can change that, but if this is what you've accepted or even preferred before, you can't blame him entirely!

When you took him to work in micra, did he drive there and you drive back?

Cabrinha Mon 20-Jan-14 15:07:24

I do see why having earned the money as extra, you feel it's yours. Well done on paying your mum back btw - that was some slog!
But I guess you have to consider how you'd feel if your husband got a month of unexpected over time and then only after it was done said "I'm spending it all on a car for me".

BigBoPeep Mon 20-Jan-14 15:10:22

I think from the sounds of it it is a shared car, but it was bought for family and the kids must take priority froma safety POV so I would say wherever the kids are thats who gets that car. We have the same here - new car is for the children, old banger is for whoever does not have the children.

HSMMaCM Mon 20-Jan-14 15:13:08

Why doesn't he drive the old car to work (the work car) and then either of you can drive the new car (the family car) when you're together? It makes sense for the children to travel in the newer/safer car.

rubyrubyrubyrub Mon 20-Jan-14 15:28:11

That was the idea HSMMaCM but he appears to be back tracking/digging his heels in to prove a point its not "my" car, think the only logical way forward is to me not see it as mine, and have alternative days until the novelty wears off.

I nearly always drove the older car, he was never that great at being driven about, and it was always an issue that I got use of the old car and he had to make do with being driven to and from work, so we get another car and hes still not happy!

rubyrubyrubyrub Mon 20-Jan-14 15:30:46

Its just seems so ridiculous that we are fine and happy in most respects and a big lump of metal is causing this much stress and resentment!

BigBoPeep Mon 20-Jan-14 15:41:40

it IS a bit wierd, if it happened with my husband we'd be having a 'chat' about what was really the problem hmm

Shenanagins Mon 20-Jan-14 15:43:20

I would say yabu to refer to it as yours. However i think it should be driven by the person who is doing the most driving on the more dangerous roads.

We have two cars, one nice and one shit. I tend to drive the shit car as although i may be out and about during the day more its short journeys' which are typically local whereas my oh does motorway driving in rush hour. If i do have a longer journey to do which involves motorway driving we will swap over as its a safer car and I have the kids with me.

Funnily enough we refer to the shit car as mine and the good car as ours.

Cabrinha Mon 20-Jan-14 15:46:24

It was previously an issue that you got to use the car whilst he got chauffeured to and from work by you?!!!


My YABU-ometer just swung massively his way.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Mon 20-Jan-14 15:54:15

I think it's your car OP. Since you share finances etc - I would settle on 'family car' and 'old banger'. Children go in the new car. Whoever is driving the children has the new safer car.

I do think he's got a bit of a cheek taking the new car - when you were the one who arranged the funding, and did/are doing extra work to pay it off - leaving you and the dc with the banger.

rubyrubyrubyrub Mon 20-Jan-14 16:03:05

Ok so i was all I am the one being all unreasonable and ready for a compromise, now the last 2 replies have left me all confused. Am trying not to drip feed and also trying to be succinct. Yes he hated being driven around, and hated the fact that we couldnt "find" the money for a 2nd car so he had a bit more freedom, to be fair to him we live on the outskirts of town and if I took the car, as I said I am here there and everywhere (I work part time as well as doing the extra stuff) he was stuck in the house when not working, no bus routes or anything, it was a disagreement that reared its ugly head as I he saw it that I also saw the old car as mine. The issues stem from, ill keep this short as poss, I was nearly always the breadwinner, the house is in my name as I was the only one with a stable job, bar the business, I control the finances and only in the last few years has got his head down and kept hold of a job, he was more of a cocklodger before that, that is all the past but I think he thinks I dont see him as equal, and that what i want/say goes.

Joysmum Mon 20-Jan-14 16:26:26

He's got a point. Wouldn't you feel that way if the boot was on the other foot?

So, how are you going to address his concerns and make him feel more valued, more equal?

Long ago I was the only driver, and before H lost his job I would load DS in carrycot into the car morning and night, and drive 16 mile round trip to ferry H to and from work.

When we finally got 2 cars, one was "mine" the other "his" - in terms of Keeper, main driver and insurance. I had fully comp on mine, he would drive mine sometimes as need arose. But he wouldn't put me on his or let me drive it (not that I really wanted to, but could have been useful) - at first because I had had a recent claim, but then just because he was an arse.

He was also a cocklodger. He is now my Ex. I hope yours has changed. Mine got worse.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Mon 20-Jan-14 17:41:01

I'm surprised you got the replies you did, actually, OP.

You arranged the new car, worked extra to pay it off - you should at least have first dibs on it's use.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Mon 20-Jan-14 17:41:28

MN is very strange at the mo.

evertonmint Mon 20-Jan-14 18:01:40

It sounds like it's more appropriate for you to be the main user of the new car. However...

If it was the bloke in a relationship saying "I paid for it so even though we share finances it's actually mine not ours" or "I still control the finances and the house because you used to be crap with money even though you're not any more" we'd probably be outraged. Given that, I'm not surprised he's got the hump on this even if he is behaving like a child now.

Just a thought. You might want to examine your attitude to finances in your relationship (both of you) as it sounds like you might be stuck in the mindset of old when actually things have moved on and are a bit more equal now.

Holdthepage Mon 20-Jan-14 18:05:20

We have shared our finances for many years but we have separate cars & always have had. Your DM has lent you the money for the car, you are going to work to pay it off, you need a car to transport your DC around, I think your DP is being totally unreasonable.

BigBoPeep Mon 20-Jan-14 18:18:13

oh dear, men can be verrrrrrrrrry funny about breadwinning. My mum had it with her partner: she earnt more because his business was small and shite, and had a big flash car that SHE paid for entirely (NOT joint finances) and he had an older but still perfectly good car. Mysteriously the newer car always seemed to be in his posession though, and when she couldn't afford it anymore and wanted to sell it, he freaked out and became an absolute SHIT for a while before she bollocked him because this was ridiculous about a CAR.

He only calmed down when he got himself a better job and started seeing himself as the breadwinner again (tho mum still earns more).

FreshCucumber Mon 20-Jan-14 18:35:03

This is how it works in my house.
Money is shared so there isn't a 'my' car or 'his' car.
However we both need one and one is 'DH car' as he always uses it to go to work and he choosed it to his taste.
One is 'my car' as I always use it to go to work etc... and I choose it to my taste.
We needed one small car and one 'family' car so we choose the rough type of car in accordance iyswim. And I happen to have the 'family' car as I am usually the one with the dcs.
It would annoy me if DH said that it's 'his' car because he paid for it (and I didn't as I stayed at home for the dcs...).

I am getting the feeling that your DH would much prefer to go to work with the newer one as it 'looks better' than the old 13yo car and he is resentful that you always have 'the better deal' ie you had the old car for yourself and he had to be driven around. Now you have the new car and he is getting the old one etc...

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 20-Jan-14 18:44:49

I may be way off here, but going on your posts, it reads like although you talk about shared money and being equal and it's all ours, etc, it's really more lip service than anything because somewhere deep inside, maybe unacknowledged, is some simmering resentment for him having contributed less than you, historically. And you really don't see everything as yours jointly, you feel its all come from you but you have to say otherwise.

muddylettuce Mon 20-Jan-14 19:19:39

If you share money then surely it belongs to both of you? I think however from a safety point of view the person who is driving children around should be using it. That would be you. Obviously when using it as a family either of you can drive it...

Lweji Mon 20-Jan-14 19:34:22

He may be your partner and you may share money, but you are not married, and you made the effort to buy it, so it is yours if you want it to be. It is presumably in your name, and the insurance with you as the main driver, so you should be using it.

That he doesn't want to be in it if you drive it and wants to drive it all the time, reminded me of my ex. In a bad way. And more so in your last post. Watch out.

Quitelikely Mon 20-Jan-14 19:36:03

It depends upon the manner in which you announced it was going to be your car, maybe that's why he has taken offence. And I doubt you would like it if the shoe was on the other foot.

This IMO is not an issue to get upset over. I would take your statement back and tell him you don't know what got into you. Then just get on with life. Yous have something. And that's worth something.

MostWicked Mon 20-Jan-14 20:15:37

I dont really see things as mine and his, but the work I have been doing to pay for it is time consuming and totally separate to our household finances, therefore it is not our money

This is where is doesn't sound right to me.
Because you have been doing extra work, that somehow isn't part of the household income?
I don't get it.

I understand it may make sense for you to use the new car more, but I think your "ownership" of it is the cause of the problem.

Lweji Mon 20-Jan-14 20:38:43

The way I see it is that the OP has put extra effort so that she, and the children, could have a safer better car for them to use.
Now, her OH is taking advantage of that effort (and the loan by the mother) to use the car almost exclusively.
It's as if the OP made a particularly nice meal because she wanted to eat it and the OH came and ate it all.
If he wants a good car, why can't he go and earn the extra money, or make a special effort to save so that he can have a better car too?

I'd be really pissed off in your place, OP.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Mon 20-Jan-14 20:42:37

I'd hide the keys. grin

Or sleep with them around my neck.

olathelawyer05 Tue 21-Jan-14 00:06:33

"...She decided that she didnt need the money for a couple of months and WE could borrow 3k to get a decent car..."

Its interesting that "WE" borrowed the money, but you think of the car as yours alone. Is this just unfortunate wording, or does it reveal something about where your mind is really at?

Lweji Tue 21-Jan-14 00:12:45

Actually, it looks like the partner is taking over the family car, selfishly, for himself. Yet, accusing the OP of doing it.

HandsOffMyGazBaz Tue 21-Jan-14 00:25:21

Is it wrong to sidestep the topic and ask what job you are doing cos I really need a home based computer job!!

LeafyGreen13 Tue 21-Jan-14 04:21:12

I wondered that Handsoff

Maybe it's just us but our baby car seat is really heavy. I also keep stuff in the car like shopping bags and the baby buggy so it would be a huge pain for me to switch over all the time with a newborn.

My husband drives us around at the weekend and that seems to keep him happy.

I think once the baby has arrived he will need to change his way of thinking.

Yogii Tue 21-Jan-14 07:05:01

In a house with shared finances you can't really regard your work as being in order to pay off your M for the car, money should be seen as a pool from which outgoings are taken regardless of what they are for.

If you worked for 2 years without making any money, he might be putting that into the equation he's doing when working out entitlement.

That said, 6 miles down a dual carriageway at 6 am, which isn't exactly the busiest time of day, is right in bike-it-in-all-weather territory. And no cycle lane - it describes exactly the trip I used to do when money was tight. Tell him to get pedaling for the good of the family finances and get rid of the old banger.

A thought: who is going to doing things like check oil and tyres?

Our money was shared, the cars were bought from our shared money, yet somehow it seemed natural to designate one as "mine" and one as "his" (partly because I like driving a small car, he likes a slightly bigger one).

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