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My partner's ex is destroying me

(115 Posts)
Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 13:00:14

I'll try to make this as brief as I can. My partners ex is ruining my life. We have been together a year now and I've had constant harrassment from her. She just won't leave us alone. She believes that we started our relationship when they were still together. We did not. She has hacked his Fb, damaged our property, threatened me with violence, called child services on me, tried to lose him his job. She goes quiet for a while and then starts it all again. I suffer with anxiety and depression which was controlled until all of this, I can't even think straight anymore. I've tried to finish things with my partner because of her. She has a personality disorder but also has serious physical health problems which is why my partner won't report her to the police as he feels sorry for her. I'm at my wits end. She has made me ill to the point I started having seizures caused by stress. Has anyone been through this and what can I do?

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 20-Jan-14 13:01:16

End it? The relationship I mean. It's not doing you any good is it?

Dahlen Mon 20-Jan-14 13:02:50

End the relationship. Until your partner realises he has to stand up to his X, you will never be free of this woman.

AnyFucker Mon 20-Jan-14 13:03:52

I think your problem is your partner, I am sorry to say

he is unwilling or unable to take the steps required to protect you, so really your relationship is game over

HollaAtMeBaby Mon 20-Jan-14 13:13:57

If she's harassing you, you can report her to the police. Your partner doesn't need to do it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 20-Jan-14 13:15:36

Why are you dependent on your partner to call the police? You're being threatened, not just him. If he prioritises her over you then don't stick around for more punishment. Leave him to her.

Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 13:17:20

You are right AF, I have, at times, risen to it and asked her to back off..twice in a year, but dp rises to it, loses his temper and phones her every time she does this which really, is just giving her the attention she craves. He's stuck I understand, he doesn't want to tell me when she has been in touch because he knows it will stress me, but I always find out anyway. When he comes in from work in a temper, I guess she's been in touch again and then I always find out. He changed his number twice, she still found it, she emails him, messages him on Fb, turns up at his mum's house, his daughter's house, his friends....she just won't give up.

Tonandfeather Mon 20-Jan-14 13:20:34

Is this the ex that your partner stayed with for a week over Xmas, with their children? Who you didn't see for that whole time?

If she threatened you with violence and damaged your property, why didn't YOU go to the police?

If you're the same poster as the one on last week's postings, the problem is that your partner isn't being honest with you and still has strong feelings for his ex.

Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 13:20:48

I can report her, but really I don't have any proof of what she has done to me, just him. She has admitted it was her but I don't have any evidence really apart from Fb messages...would the police even take that seriously?

msrisotto Mon 20-Jan-14 13:21:26

If it's making you ill, leave! There are other men out there and if this one isn't being proactive in solving this issue then walk. He is letting you be bullied, how horrible is that?

Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 13:22:47

No that's not me ton, I've been a member on here for ten years but haven't posted for a year probably, maybe longer.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 20-Jan-14 13:26:26

I would walk away from him, tbh. I don't think a bloke, any bloke, is worth the hell you are living.

Maybe if he loses someone he claims to love, because of her, he will do what is necessary to stop her, instead of protecting her at the expense of the well being of the person he claims to love.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 20-Jan-14 13:26:38

There's nothing to stop you calling the police 101 non-emergency number, describing the problem and asking what they would advise going forward. Stalking & harassment is taken pretty seriously. I would expect them to say that you should keep careful records of incidents that you either know or suspect she is involved in. They may even send round a community support officer for a chat.

ateddybearfromdelaware1 Mon 20-Jan-14 13:28:49

You can report her for harassment. You should have a long time ago. I reported someone once and the police were great. Went to his house and gave him a sharp warning, and told me if he did one more thing to call 999. it stopped.

Tonandfeather Mon 20-Jan-14 13:30:36

Can you clarify then?

How would FB messages confirm she reported you to Child Services?

Are you saying that all the other threats and reports of damage to your property have come via your own partner?

If the only evidential source for her behaviour is your partner's say-so, then yes the police might look at his claims more closely...

Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 13:31:16

I'm scared of the consequences too if I'm honest, she comes from a pretty nasty well known family, has been arrested so many times for assault, and she knows a lot of people. I'm the kind of person, I like a peaceful life with my handful of good friends. She scares the living crap out of me.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 20-Jan-14 13:33:53

The police exist to deal with scary people on our behalf. It's their job to round up violent types so we don't have to put up with their crap.. You're already suffering consequences whilst nothing is happening to her. So what if she knows lots of people?

Tonandfeather Mon 20-Jan-14 13:34:10

Forget the gossip and rumour machine.

What can you actually prove she's done or said, yourself?

Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 13:34:44

It's definitely her ton, I don't have an enemy in the world, I generally keep myself to myself. There was some stirring between families at the time....I don't want to go into too much detail on here. smile

BillyBanter Mon 20-Jan-14 13:34:46

You have a right not to be stalked harassed etc.

Splitting with your partner is a very real option even with a lot of sympathy for his situation. It's also a real possibility if you 'push the issue' by reporting when he doesn't want to do that.

Alternatively there may be ways to bring him round to a position where he will stand up to her more and be more willing to report/make her take responsibility for her actions. Men, as with women, struggle to make a stand against partners or exes who abuse/harass them.

AngelaDaviesHair Mon 20-Jan-14 13:35:43

Your options are:

1) Put up with the status quo;

2) Report her to police with as much evidence as you can pull together and stick to your guns whatever she and her family do;

3) Leave your partner and get yourself and your child(ren) as far away from this awful situation as possible.

It's very hard but I don't see that there are any other choices, so you have to pick one of these. In your position, I suspect I would have picked option 3 a long time ago.

ToniViolin Mon 20-Jan-14 13:36:11

Start logging it all.

I'm not convinced your DP is doing everything he can to stop this. If he loves you then he should be doing everything he can to protect you from her harassment.

My ex did some of this stuff, I changed numbers, passwords, privacy settings on FB so that strangers couldn't send messages, there are things that he can be doing.

I suspect that he, consciously or not, does not want to give up the attention, from her.

Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 13:36:37

And that's the point also, she's admitted it via phone calls, but I can't prove that.

BillyBanter Mon 20-Jan-14 13:39:12

fb messages are evidence.

Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 13:42:03

I think in a way he does like the attention, he's very insecure, but he doesn't seem to realise what a serious impact this is making on my life. I'm a nervous wreck. It's no game to me. His children are adults, mine aren't. Ss are my worst nightmare and now it's constantly stuck in my mind that she will call them again. I know I've nothing to hide, but still, I worry about it all the time.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 20-Jan-14 13:45:32

Honestly, don't you think it's best to walk away? You don't want your kids to have to cope with all this, do you? Even if it's not her at them directly, but seeing you unravel, or witnessing the problems it causes between you and your partner?

sometimes, you have to walk away even from someone you love because it is more damaging to be with them than to be without them.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 20-Jan-14 13:46:53

OP your partner is putting his ex ahead of you. He should be putting a stop to this and could if he wanted to, but he isn't. So leave.

You can report this, fb messages are evidence.

DrankSangriaInThePark Mon 20-Jan-14 13:47:47

So, apart from returning her calls, and allowing her to get in touch with him, what is he doing to show you he wants her out of his life?

He doesn't sound insecure in the slightest to me. He sounds like a)he gets off on having 2 women catfighting over him and b) It might not be as over as you think.

See them hills? Get running.

lottiegarbanzo Mon 20-Jan-14 13:48:17

So he's more concerned about a crazy ex's health and wellbeing than yours?

Who's he in love with again?

Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 13:51:31

You are all correct, my best friend told me the same thing. Leave him, he can't stand up to her. It's a pity it has to be like that because he's the only one who can solve it...and he won't. She is hell bent on revenge for whatever imaginary wrong I did her and it won't stop unless he does something about it.

lottiegarbanzo Mon 20-Jan-14 13:51:44

I think I'd tell him that when he's actually single and available, he can come and find you and you'll give him due consideration.

In the meantime, look after yourself and your children and only consider attaching yourself to a man who will do the same.

AngelaDaviesHair Mon 20-Jan-14 13:52:07

If you are afraid of another report to SS then you should consider leaving. I doubt the ex will be reporting you if you are out of the picture, and getting your children away from this mess sounds like a good move. It isn't worth staying to fight for someone who will not stand up for you or protect you.

Tonandfeather Mon 20-Jan-14 13:53:50

Ok well if neither of you are going to do anything about it officially, you've only got one option then haven't you?

Get out of the relationship with this guy if it's making you ill.

Though if i were you, I'd only hold against her what you've seen and heard yourself and can prove. I expect there's a lot your partner says that doesn't much stack up and that's why he won't go to the police.

FuckingWankwings Mon 20-Jan-14 13:54:11

What lottie said.

Talk to the police (as someone suggests, call 101 and ask for advice).

But your ex needs to be on your side. If you're having seizures and he's still not willing to deal with her, you need to seriously question your relationship.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 20-Jan-14 13:55:59

He feels sorry for her but doesn't care that it's making you ill. Either he's in love with her or he's enjoying having two women wanting his attention.

CosyTeaBags Mon 20-Jan-14 13:56:16

The only acceptable response from your DP to this situation would be for him to stand by you, defend you against his ex, and sort this out so that she can no longer hurt you.

He isn't doing any of that. He's choosing her wellbeing over yours.

QualityJanitor Mon 20-Jan-14 13:56:48

Are you frightened of your partner, OP?

You talk about him coming home in a temper - are you walking on eggshells?

Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 13:57:36

I actually felt for her in the beginning ton, because I did believe he'd probably messed her about....until she started her hate campaign against me. She's evil to me, threatening to smash my house up and I think...what have I ever done to deserve this? I didn't even know who she was until she started harassing me.

Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 13:59:56

Qj, I am a little. Not physically, he'd never lay a finger on a woman...but he's so nasty with his words. His ex gets in touch, winds him up and then he takes it out on me.

Tonandfeather Mon 20-Jan-14 14:01:47

He SAYS his ex has been in touch. You don't know if she has. She isn't to blame for him being a nasty bastard to you though.

Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 14:02:39

So I'm getting it on both sides, if I'm with him, she harasses me, if I try to finish it, he doesn't want it to end and won't leave me alone. I didn't want to admit that....I feel so trapped.

DelightedIAm Mon 20-Jan-14 14:05:21

How do you know it isn't your oh not his ex at all? Maybe he did the same to her?

lottiegarbanzo Mon 20-Jan-14 14:08:03

Right, so they're at least as bad as each other.

I'd report to the police, telling them your story, not his. Include your experience of fearing him and his harrassment of you.

Then leave.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 20-Jan-14 14:08:32

If you need help to get out (and it sounds like you do) there is help available.

There is a limit to how long you can live like this before it breaks you. And as well as yourself, you have your children to consider.

If you want help, it is out there for you.

QualityJanitor Mon 20-Jan-14 14:09:05

he'd never lay a finger on a woman...but he's so nasty with his words.

if I try to finish it, he doesn't want it to end and won't leave me alone

Call Women's Aid. You need to get away from this man. His ex is a red herring - he is abusing you and you need to get yourself and your DC out.

VelvetGecko Mon 20-Jan-14 14:10:15

I think you should get out now OP. Just think of the lovely peaceful life you and your dc could have.You say he won't leave you alone when you try, well then you call the police on him for harassment. Close you fb account, change your number, do whatever you have to.
This is affecting your health, your dc need you healthy to take care of them.

Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 14:11:16

I do know its her, I've seen emails, Fb messages, texts, phone calls but I do suspect he's probably given her false hopes that they would get back together now and then. She has caused trouble, we have argued, then he he has called her to tell her to back off...they end up talking because he feels sorry for her, then everything he says she uses against us. On and on it goes....

QualityJanitor Mon 20-Jan-14 14:13:38

OP, seriously, forget the ex. The problem is your partner.

He is getting off on messing with your head and keeping your miserable and vulnerable.

He is not your friend. Get help to get out, please thanks

fromparistoberlin Mon 20-Jan-14 14:14:24

I know you dont want to hear this, but this is down to HIM and his baggage

I get you love him, but if due to his baggage your kids are at risk , its worth facing up to the fact that...:

finish with him = the threat to your family goes away

DelightedIAm Mon 20-Jan-14 14:14:55

Has he told you about any mental health diagnosis he has himself? He may need some help and if the police get involved to stop this, it may help him and his ex as well.

As has been said tell YOUR story about what YOU have seen/heard and can prove yourself, don't say what he told you etc. You and your children deserve to be safe, and you will not be safe with this Man and his baggage in your life.

fromparistoberlin Mon 20-Jan-14 14:15:43

get some help OP, you wont like what you read here but call WA, ready Lundy

HE is the problem here

wishing you the very best

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Mon 20-Jan-14 14:17:46

Make your choice.

Be with him but continue to be bullied by her and let down by him.

Or leave and get your life back.

You don't need his permission to report her to the police and it is up to the police to prove she is bullying you, not you.

flippinada Mon 20-Jan-14 14:21:06

Hi harrassed, I agree with other posters - this man is the problem. His ex is a red herring.

I wouldn't be surprised if he's manipulating and stirring things up during these 'conversations'.

I notice from your OP that you've tried to finish things before. Why wasn't the breaK up successful? Did he 'persuade' you to give him another chance..?

nauticant Mon 20-Jan-14 14:21:07

I think in a way he does like the attention, he's very insecure, but he doesn't seem to realise what a serious impact this is making on my life.

His ex gets in touch, winds him up and then he takes it out on me.

She's using him to harm you and he goes along with it because he likes the game.

This is poisonous situation.

stickysausages Mon 20-Jan-14 14:21:10

thanks

Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 14:24:28

You're all telling me what I already knew but didn't want to admit...so how do I end it without hurting my little girl? honest question, she idolises him. He's so good to her, her own dad has never wanted to know her. Dp takes her anywhere she wants to go, buys her anything she wants, he spoils her rotten, hugs, loves, protects her. It will break her heart.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 20-Jan-14 14:28:03

It will upset her, yes. And it will take time and love and reassurance.

but she loves YOU more. And she needs YOU more. And she needs you in a fit state to care for her.

Any upset caused by the removal of a man who is not her father will pass.

Big picture here. He is destroying you. That will impact massively on your child. It will impact massively on you but you aren't using you as a reason to stay!

Also, do you want her to absorb this relationship template and seek it out for herself? Of course you don't.

Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 14:29:15

Flippinada, he did yes.

DelightedIAm Mon 20-Jan-14 14:30:25

You tell your dd, that he is making you unhappy and you want to be the one to take her nice places and have good experiences with her, you want to be the one to give her hugs etc, as you are her Mummy he is a nobody to her at the end of the day op, you will always be her Mummy.

lottiegarbanzo Mon 20-Jan-14 14:32:10

He's destroying her mother's health and happiness, which WILL have a massive, detrimental impact on his life - how can you say he loves her?

I can see exactly why he says he does and why he buys her stuff - because he's a fantasist, who fuels and protects his made-up dream life (in which HE is very much the main character, the rest of you are merely the supporting cast) with lies. For as long as he can get away with it. When runbled, he turns nasty. Right?

So forget any idea that he loves he. He probably likes her, may enjoy spending time with her - in the present. Her long-term interests are not a priority for him though. She's better off without him.

Plenty of people maintain good relationships with step-parents after their parent separates form them. If his relationship with her is really that good and he's able to separate from you in a grown-up way, avoiding any upset to her, then tehy can remain friends, in some way.

lottiegarbanzo Mon 20-Jan-14 14:35:13

Longer term, you just explain that while he enjoyed 'playing happy families' with her and this was nice for everyone for a while, unfortunately he had too many other things he wanted to do with his life, (The next scenes in 'The Drama of HIM') and wasn't able to commit to her and you, long term.

flippinada Mon 20-Jan-14 14:37:59

I suspected as much, although I'm not pleased to have it confirmed.

He sounds like a very manipulative character and I suspect all this stuff with your daughter is another manipulative act.

I bet you anything he is winding his ex up, knowing how she will react, during these conversations. He really doesn't have your best interests at heart.

Can I ask, what RL support do you have in place?

Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 14:43:11

Not much flippinada, I have a handful of family and friends but at the moment most of them won't have much to do with me apart from putting me down and telling me its my fault. They can't understand my rages, tell me to pull myself together. When I try to end it, he calls my mum and she answers the phone every time, he stops my friend in the street and asks her questions about me...I can't really trust anyone.

DelightedIAm Mon 20-Jan-14 14:44:46

He is probably telling these people the same things about you as he tells you about his ex.

Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 14:47:08

They basically think I've lost the plot, then I feel I have no one and it must be my fault, so I have him back and that doesn't please them either. They dislike him, but stand up for him when it suits them. Does that make any sense?

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 20-Jan-14 14:49:21

You can trust yourself. The more you describe, the more this is sounding like a very bad situation that you need to get yourself and your child out of.

AdoraBell Mon 20-Jan-14 14:53:52

Harrassed he is not protecting your DD while he is making her mother ill with the stress of being manipulated and and abused.

Call Women's Aid, tell friends not To talk To him and tell your mother what has been going on, and that you and DD need her To stop engaging with him. If they won't stop then the friends are not your freinds and your mother will Miss out on contact with you and DD if you have To move away To Get away from him.

Don't let this continúe, please.

And for DD, once you are away you can tell her that although he was nice To her he didn't make you happy and anyway she can do things and Go places with you.

Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 14:54:08

I can't see a way out, my family and friends can't stand him, yet when I get rid they stick up for him, so I give in and have him back, only for them to distance themselves from me. He convinces them that I'm off the rails having a breakdown. He's twisted it all so I have no one. He's very charming when he wants to be, but people don't see his nasty side.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 20-Jan-14 14:57:57

Why do you give in to your friends and family?

What power do they have over you?

What do they do that leaves you with no choice but to have him back?

flippinada Mon 20-Jan-14 14:59:04

I'm sorry to hear that and as Delighted has suggested I bet he tells people stuff about how unreasonable you are. Sounds like a pattern developing doesn't it...you hear it time and time again on here, it's like abusive men have a script which they all follow.

It would be funny if the consequences weren't so bloody awful. It's textbook stuff. Abusers try to isolate their victims so they become dependent...then they ramp up the abuse.

The thing is, you know what is happening isn't right and that's why you've posted here. You can trust yourself. Other posters have suggested contacting WA and I think that's a good idea.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 20-Jan-14 15:01:45

Also. Have you considered this. You leave. He bugs them . They have a go at you. You take him back. He stops bugging them.
So its about getting him to leave them alone by throwing you to the wolf...

flippinada Mon 20-Jan-14 15:03:47

It also strikes me that he is doing to you what you think his ex is doing to you...harrassing and stalking you if you try to leave (ringing your mum, stopping your friends in the street).

Please do contact WA as from what you've described I think you may need support to get away from this man.

I shudder to think what his 'persuasion' consisted of...and if you have proof that his ex is harrassing you then do contact the police. You don't need his permission.

Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 15:04:50

Thanks for your input ladies. I never thought I would be in this position, I've always been a pretty strong person. Just goes to show. School run soon so I'll probably check in tomorrow. Thanks again, glad I finally got this out.

flippinada Mon 20-Jan-14 15:19:01

Men like this often do target strong characters as they like the challenge of breaking someone down. Best of luck to you.

DelightedIAm Mon 20-Jan-14 15:23:48

I think your "friends and family" have trained you well, as has been said it suits them to have you thrown to the "wolf". They want him to entertain you and them, when he is not around they don't want to entertain you and participate in the entertainment, they miss being the audience to the entertainment you, your oh and his ex provide them with.

I think the idea of you moving away is a good one, these are not your friends and you and your Daughter deserve better than the parenting your Mother is providing you with.

lottiegarbanzo Mon 20-Jan-14 16:22:46

Apols for typos in my previous post - his for her, he for her, hopefully you were able to make sense of it.

My final point there should have been that it's easy for him to be nice to your dd because she doesn't challenge him. He's nice to her, she's grateful and happy - simple response, he looks good, so easy relationship. If he's still around when she turns into a teenager and starts to challenge HIM this will all change!

I suspect your family would rather you appeared to be happy, coupled up - because that's 'normal' - than have to address complex, unpleasant issues, or accept that you're truly unhappy - because they don't want you to be unhappy and it's easier to stick to the idea that you're ok really, if a bit mixed up.

It's much easier to think 'oh, they have their problems, doesn't everyone but they'll sort it out' than:

1) Have to accept that someone who they've liked is a very unpleasant, manipulative person and they'd been taken in.

(Also part of the whole 'evil as other' script, whereby people cannot reconcile horrible acts with apparently normal people, especially those they're close to. Bad things must be done by hideous 'other beings').

2) Accept there was abuse going on that they failed to recognise or do anyting about. Better to avoid that guilt by denying there's anything serious happening.

3) Have to recongnise you might actually need their support and help and this might take their time and effort.

4) and yes, given all the denial and avoidance already in place, it's easier to have him coupled up with you than bothering them.

AnyFucker Mon 20-Jan-14 16:35:09

Please don't stay with this terrible man for the sake of your dd. That is entirely the wrong message to give her.

BuzzardBird Mon 20-Jan-14 16:52:27

Sounds as though you will be well out of it. I have a feeling he will get back with his x.

AngelaDaviesHair Mon 20-Jan-14 16:52:35

Does your daughter really really like him? Or is she just instinctively placating an abusive person?

Hissy Mon 20-Jan-14 18:51:30

You need to vanish!

From the BF, from your friends and family, as they are keeping you in this abusive relationship.

It's more common than you think, seriously!

Call wa, ask for help to get out, get away to somewhere far from the lot of them.

Change numbers/emails/delete fb.

It's the only way. You're in hell atm, and they all want you to stay there.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

Harrassedandstalked Thu 23-Jan-14 01:03:57

I could really do with a chat, I've found out a few things tonight I wish I hadn't seen.

What's that OP? Is everything okay?

DelightedIAm Thu 23-Jan-14 01:39:55

What did you see?

AdoraBell Thu 23-Jan-14 02:28:11

Hope you are okay OP, please remember if you need To Get away call Women's Aid, they can help you.

DrankSangriaInThePark Thu 23-Jan-14 06:47:57

You OK, harassed?

We are here. smile

Hissy Thu 23-Jan-14 07:11:57

We're here

flippinada Thu 23-Jan-14 09:20:29

That sounds worrying, hope you're ok.

Aussiemum78 Thu 23-Jan-14 10:19:32

Stalkers often harass friends and family to convince you to give him another chance, making you sound unreasonable.

It's not uncommon for them to fake being stalked by their victims or paint retaliation as actual stalking.

He's definitely manipulative, he could block his ex on fb, she just happens to get his number and he refuses to contact the police. Best of all he blames her when he abuses you!

Leave him, go no contact with fb, phone. Tell friends you are not interested in hearing from him. Contact police if either of them contact you. Consider a well timed holiday if you can.

BuzzardBird Thu 23-Jan-14 12:22:39

Talk away

HowlingTrap Thu 23-Jan-14 12:41:37

you okay op, I notice you posted in the early hours but hope you're around.

RustyParker Thu 23-Jan-14 14:25:58

Hope you are ok op

Harrassedandstalked Fri 24-Jan-14 09:39:50

I don't know what to do, I'm so confused now. He keeps telling me how good he is to me and says I've used him for money. I haven't, I have less money than he does because unfortunately I'm unemployed at the moment, but I do the best I can. He'll take me out sometimes for dinner but then rub it in afterwards saying I've wasted his money. I've found out he's been taking pictures of me too. He was flicking through his phone the other night, he'd taken one of me asleep on the sofa, I remember the night, I had a migraine. He must have taken wine bottles out of the recycling and put them in front of me. Another example, I have a dog, he's really naughty and I've been at my wits end with him, if he gets upstairs he will poo in my daughter's room. I don't know why he does it but I fitted a stair gate, one night it dropped off and the dog got upstairs. I cleaned it up as soon as I saw it but dp must have seen it first and said nothing, because he has taken pictures. He's recorded me crying in the past, he watches me all the time. He goes through my phone, he demands to see my Facebook. This isn't normal is it? I'm a nervous wreck, he's going to destroy me.

noddingoff Fri 24-Jan-14 10:25:54

You are right, this is not normal at all. It's scary.
A man who is good to his partner doesn't have to keep telling her how good he is.
He's also using money as control - trying to induce guilt in you where none should exist. It's not normal to take someone out for dinner then "rub it in" about how it was their money....normal behaviour if you're paying is to quietly take care of the bill and hope your partner has had a lovely time.
Recording you crying? wtf? normal behaviour is to comfort the person crying
Taking photos of poo? That's weird. With this and the above, is he trying to collect "evidence" to use against you if necessary...maybe try to say you're an unfit mother if you don't stick the script of his life? He's even setting you up too - I'd say taking a photo of you apparently passed out in front of wine bottles is proof that he is indeed, planning to destroy you if you don't obey him utterly.
Monitoring your actions, your phone your FB...control freak.
Also, bear in mind what lottiegarbanzo said. He likes your daughter because she hero-worships him and he can have her unquestioning gratitute. For now.
Get yourself and your daughter away from him. Don't explain too much...he'll probably try and wangle around saying the photo with the bottles was only a joke and you're an emotional fruitcake, you owe him one, you're mental and he's trying to help you...basically gaslightling and controlling you.
Phone the police and explain all. Don't focus on his ex, focus on all the things you have told us about him in this post.
If you can't change the locks and keep him, out and need to stay elsewhere, bear in mind that there are organisations that will foster dogs for a while...Women's Aid may be able to put you in touch with them.
I wouldn't spend another night under the same roof as this man. He's already emotionally blackmailing you and this is escalating into full-on control. I can't get the image out of my mind of you crying and him videoing it.
Altogether now...LTB. Now.

MorrisZapp Fri 24-Jan-14 10:28:44

What are you confused about? He is showing you what he is, please act now to get away from him.

BuzzardBird Fri 24-Jan-14 11:23:14

Oh my god Harrassed get away from him. He is weird and the photos of you are definitely to be used against you in some way that he has already planned. Please start planning to leave.

JabberJabberJay Fri 24-Jan-14 11:39:41

Call WA now. Today. Please OP. This man is nasty, controlling and manipulative. He also seems to be gathering 'evidence' to use against you.

Be strong. Leave him. As soon as possible. I'm worried by the escalation of his behaviour in your posts.

Harrassedandstalked Fri 24-Jan-14 15:15:16

He has left, but the texts are starting now. I know he won't be away for long. The trouble is, when he does a runner (often) my daughter lets him back in. I need a way to tell her not to without frightening her, poor little thing. He's so good to her, it breaks my heart to see her little face. She loves him, we both do..he's my best friend really. When he's being ok he's the nicest person, fixes anything in my house, drives us anywhere, leaves little love notes around...until he flips and starts being cruel to me. He does confuse me, I start thinking it must be something I've done. He reckons I don't do anything for him, I have his tea on the table, I wash his clothes, make his sandwiches for work, run his baths...not sure what more I can do...I can't drive so can't run him around anywhere, I'm trying to find a job....what am I doing wrong?

Leavenheath Fri 24-Jan-14 15:21:44

Staying in a relationship with this man is what you're doing wrong.

You need to get out now and stay out.

It wouldn't surprise me if most of that stuff his ex has allegedly done and said was manufactured by him. Remember reading once on here about a bloke who sent texts and E mails to himself pretending that they were from his 'psycho ex wife'. Dead easy to set up a fake FB account too.

Let the scales fall from your eyes love. That damage to your property was probably him too.

Harrassedandstalked Fri 24-Jan-14 15:34:21

The damage wasn't him, he was asleep in my bed when it happened, but I do think they are as crazy as each other. I'm caught in the middle of their silly game. I get it from her, I get it from him. If I mention her he goes nuts and says he's sick of hearing it, but nearly every week for a year she's done something to us. I didn't deserve any of this, it's made me so ill now I feel terrified to be on my own. I can't understand how a human can do this to another, her, I begged her as one mum to another to stop it, him, to be so cruel to someone he's supposed to love? He's seen me have a fit, he's been in hospital with me when the doctor told me to avoid any stress. It's beyond me really, I just couldn't do this to someone. I'm sorry if my posts don't make much sense, my head is very mixed up at the moment.

DrankSangriaInThePark Fri 24-Jan-14 16:05:38

I don't think you are getting any of it from his ex.

You need to get this man out of your life. Do you have anyone IRL you can talk to?

kickassangel Fri 24-Jan-14 16:09:01

I can't link ATM, but if you google "wheels of abuse" then you will see that the nice behaviour and being your best friend is just a part of it. He wants you to be reliant on him, emotionally and financially, because then he can have more control over you.

scallopsrgreat Fri 24-Jan-14 16:15:31

Step away from the ex. Yes she may have her own issues (although there is actually very little evidence of it. Even the damage to your property could have been done by someone else). Your problem is your partner. There is plenty of evidence he is abusive and nasty. Your DD does not need him in her life any more than you do. She is learning how men treat women. How would you feel if she was in a relationship with a man who says she doesn't do anything for him? The implication that you should be doing things for him is awful enough.

You need to keep talking to her though, in an age appropriate way, obviously. And if you haven't read "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft, it is a must-read.

scallopsrgreat Fri 24-Jan-14 16:18:33

Yes kickass. He isn't your best friend Harrassed. About as far from your best friend as you can get.

Leavenheath Fri 24-Jan-14 16:24:57

I've read your posts very carefully and there appears to be no evidence that you can prove this woman has been doing anything alleged against her. Unless you've spoken to this woman directly (and to her face tbh and you recognised her as his exW) and she admitted criminal damage, reporting you to SS etc., I wouldn't trust anything.

This bloke sounds dangerous and you now know he's got form for building 'evidence' against women.

PatriciaHolm Fri 24-Jan-14 16:41:35

You aren't doing anything wrong. Nothing you do will ever be enough, he's an abuser who clearly has form for this. You and your daughter will be so much better off without him. Do you want her growing up with this as her model for adult relationships?

Hissy Fri 24-Jan-14 19:16:36

Ask yourself:

Is this the way you treat your friends?

No. You don't. He's aiming to destroy you, and possibly get your dd removed from your care.

Get him out of your life for good, now.

Move home if you can, and tell your dd that she is never to let him in the house again. Explain it in an age appropriate way.

Quitelikely Fri 24-Jan-14 20:14:27

Try to stay strong OP. your instinct is right about this man. It doesn't seem like he's going to make this easy for you so prepare yourself emotionally. Try to hold onto the fact that your daughter will grow up using this relationship as a template for her own future ones. And by what you say you clearly adore your dd.

lottiegarbanzo Fri 24-Jan-14 23:39:12

Exactly, you wouldn't do this to anyone. That's all you really need to know.

You don't have to understand the detail, or make all the loose ends join up in your head - that's a puzzle and a distraction, interesting in its way but not important or urgent. It can wait.

He treats you badly because he doesn't care about your well-being.

Just tell your dd what's happening. She doesn't need to understand your reasons, just your decision. You have decided you need time away from him and he may not enter your house. It's your home, your rules. If she lets someone unwanted in she's in big trouble. I don't really understand why you're allowing decisions about your life to be made by a child.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge Sat 25-Jan-14 02:19:10

Don't take him back,even if he comes crawling.You need to stay away from him.

IF (and I do question this) his ex has been doing as you say I wonder what he's done to her tbh

Aussiemum78 Sat 25-Jan-14 02:36:11

He's probably shown the photos to his ex and told her he's only with you because he's concerned about your daughter....

AdoraBell Sat 25-Jan-14 03:36:01

I can't remember How old your DD is, but if she's small then put a chain on the door high up. And explain that she is not To open the door for Anyone.

Explain that you do not want him comíng into the house and if he arrives she is To call you.

Don't let him back in.

Harrassedandstalked Sat 25-Jan-14 08:10:12

I do know its her, she does it blatently. She has admitted to my face what shes done, she finds it very funny. I actually felt sorry for her at first as i imagine if dp treated her anything like he treats me its no wonder she is the way she is. But that isnt my fault, ive done nothing wrong to her. I honestly wish they would both disappear. This isnt my fault is it?

lottiegarbanzo Sat 25-Jan-14 08:44:50

When I said tell your dd what's happening, I meant 'lay down the law' rather than explain every detail of the situation. Take charge.

Timetoask Sat 25-Jan-14 08:59:12

Please read this link and see if it fits him www.health24.com/Mental-Health/Disorders/How-to-recognise-a-psychopath-20120721

He seems to be a superficially charming man wanting to completely dominate you. Please be strong and break up with him as quickly as you can.

Meerka Sat 25-Jan-14 12:25:41

I'm afraid everyone posting here is right.

He is longer terms gathering evidence to use against you and to incriminate and destroy you.

You need to get out, and given how he's behaved, yes, WA seems the best.

He sounds like he's pretty dangerous and right now he may be ok with your daughter but longer term he'll be poison for her. For both your sakes, please ring WA and get out. Without leaving a trace.

As for your friends and family if they know what's going on, then they are not helping you at all. If they don't, then you need to make the decision for yoruself.

This is a highly toxic relationship and you're being slowly poisoned, I'm afraid.

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