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Sickening photo's

(165 Posts)
Needadvice5 Fri 17-Jan-14 17:15:07

Regular user but DP knows my usual name.

Quick back story:

Been together for 2 years, he's the one.

I have ongoing massive issues with his ex, they had separated along time before we got together and have a ds aged 7 together, she's a very difficult person and I dislike her so much for so many reasons.

He had told me they had been to fetish/swingers clubs together and had participated in threesomes at their house.

I'm very open minded but find it all a little bit seedy, but its his past so I try not to dwell on it too much.

Was clearing our shed out today and found a very well hidden photo memory card, intrigued I put it in my phone and found literally hundred's of photo's of them in various sexual positions with various different people and I feel physically sick and don't know what to say/do?

All advice great fully received!

FunkyBoldRibena Fri 17-Jan-14 17:17:11

Eject it and bin it?

You knew they did it so it is any surprise that they had it documented for future reference?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 17-Jan-14 17:20:00

If it was very well hidden that suggests he dusts it off and has a look from time to time. hmm I think the conversation you want starts with showing him the card and the words ... 'is there something you want to tell me?'

CHERRYBL0SS0M Fri 17-Jan-14 17:24:00

If it was very well hidden could it have just been forgotten about?
Talk to him about it, but it was before you 2 were together

Jan45 Fri 17-Jan-14 17:25:29

Eugh, I'd like to think I'm open minded too but this is just way tooooo far, in fact I don't think I could be with a man that was into that but each to their own.

He's put you in a horrible situation but as he has told you his past, it's not as though you can appear to have a problem with it, he could be a bit more discreet when it comes to hiding stuff.

BillyBanter Fri 17-Jan-14 17:30:39

I suppose it's like keeping photos of holidays you all went on in a big group where you had a fabulous time so want to keep photos of as mementos (and wank material), even though your ex is in them than keeping photos of just her.

Also he may not hate her as much as you do and cherish the good times they did have even if things turned sour.

I'm not sure how much thinking the above would help me in your shoes, tbf. I have no idea what I would feel.

MrsWOLF1 Fri 17-Jan-14 17:35:30

Are you sure that the swinger/fetish lifestyle is firmly in his past ? Has he ever asked you to participate ? I would seriously be considering my position in the relationship

Logg1e Fri 17-Jan-14 17:37:31

I'm ashamed to say that in this situation I would either throw it away or wipe it and return it to where I found it. Neither seem a very mature or respectful way of dealing with my feelings sad

Is the house (and hence the shed) the one they lived in when together? I'm wondering how likely it is that he's not looked at it for years.

hotblacktea Fri 17-Jan-14 17:44:59

I am sorry this is happening to you.
What exactly is bothering you the most, the fact that he kept pics (or hidden them), that he may still be attracted to her sexually ? Or the fact that this former lifestyle goes beyond what you imagined or are prepared to accept ?
I guess what I am trying to understand is where are the current boundaries in your relationship, in relation to his past. Have you discussed it properly, agreed on how things should be from now on ? (eg: has he agreed to get rid of all traces of this past ? have you discussed why he was in threesomes, swinger lifestyle etc and what is acceptable and not for you ?).

Needadvice5 Fri 17-Jan-14 18:06:25

Many thanks guys, you have put things into perspective.

We worked together for a long time before we started in this relationship so I had heard a couple of things about his past, maybe this is why he felt obliged to tell me?

The house is one which I moved into last year and He has since moved in, the memory card thing was in a bag containing various bits from when he sold his car several months ago, stuff from his glove box-old CD's etc.

Why oh why did I look??

Its made me feel so sick, its clearly from a long time ago, can tell from hair style and tattoos!

He told me about it when we first met and was honest and open saying "everyone has history".

He's never asked me to do anything like that, we have spoken about it and he says he has too much respect for me and knows its not my thing anyway!

His ex is so slim and I feel pathetic saying this but I now feel enormous and very body conscious!

What do I do, I feel so upset even though I knew about it all happening!

Needadvice5 Fri 17-Jan-14 18:15:40

I'm not worried that they still have history, I have seen texts from her and they all relate to child contact, been in the car when he's collected his ds.
She's a very difficult person and causes us lots of problems, just the mention of her name causes an argument between us.

I find it very difficult to understand why he was with her I suppose, she's rough looking and illiterate whilst he's always well groomed and well educated. It was a strange relationship by the sounds of it.

I absolutely adore him, he treats me so so well, I have 2 dc from my first marriage and they do not see their dad because of domestic abuse (social services were heavily involved). My dp has supported me throughout all of it.

He's amazing with my dc, we waited nearly a year until I introduced them, he's better than their own dad ever was, I trust him completely with them.

We have a brilliant life together, lots of lovely holidays etc.

I can't accept his past though!

Tryingteacher Fri 17-Jan-14 18:17:26

And what if your DS had found it. If not now then when he was older? Would your DH have moved it by then?

Logg1e Fri 17-Jan-14 18:19:45

What exactly do you feel so upset about? Is the sexual acts in the photos? How attractive she looked compared with you? Confusion over why he was ever with her?

We all know our partners had sexual partners before us, but I'd hate to be confronted with graphic evidence of it.

Logg1e Fri 17-Jan-14 18:20:55

I'm really not convinced that going down the "child protection" route is the best idea. Give it 10 more replies and it'll be "LTB" and "Phone the police".

FluffyJumper Fri 17-Jan-14 18:23:05

I don't think he's done anything wrong. I think you should just put it back and say nothing.

If you thought his ex was less attractive than you would you mind so much?

scottishmummy Fri 17-Jan-14 18:28:49

If you can't accept his past or preferences you really don't have a solid relationship
If you're genuinely unable to accept his proclivities and past you'll end up preoccupied
The card was kept and hidden because he still looks,but conceals it from you

Branleuse Fri 17-Jan-14 18:29:13

I think you should destroy it. You've looked at photos of her that she never intended you to see.
You can't unsee what you've seen. Now you've done it, you need to try and process what you've seen. Tell him

Needadvice5 Fri 17-Jan-14 18:29:47

Its not a child protection issue guys, I work in child protection!

There's no way my dc would have found it, there's so much crap in our shed, hence why I decided to have a clear out.

He's not done anything wrong, the photo's are all clearly adults.

Not sure why I feel so devastated! The photos are very very graphic, kind of thing you would expect in a porno mag.

I'm just in such a state, theres videos too, but haven't clicked on them.

If she was attractive I think I would be ok, she's so vile, I have huge issues about her.

scottishmummy Fri 17-Jan-14 18:31:38

It's not her property to destroy,that's not solution he still has the interest.he still looks

Only1scoop Fri 17-Jan-14 18:32:17

Sounds as if it was in a bag of bits and bobs out of his car? Op are you upset because he still has it, or the content? You knew of his past but confronting it is a different issue I guess. Not making excuses but they sound like old pics on a mem card he may had forgotten he had hidden.

scottishmummy Fri 17-Jan-14 18:32:55

Consensual adults,in consensual act is most def not child protection
Some of you haven't a clue honestly

Needadvice5 Fri 17-Jan-14 18:33:03

Scottish mummy, his ex is the only thing we ever argue about??
We get on so well, apart from when it comes to her.

I have always said she will be the only thing that breaks us up, I can't even bear him mentioning her name.

Never thought I would be posting about something like this....

Only1scoop Fri 17-Jan-14 18:33:46

Child protection....why would it be

Only1scoop Fri 17-Jan-14 18:35:08

Whatever you do....don't click on those vids....

something2say Fri 17-Jan-14 18:35:14

I'd get some photos out of you and your exes. What a good time you appear to be having, and my how hot you both are.....!!

But yes it ended and you can remember all about that can't you? And can't really relate to how happy you looked, hmmm.....

I've had hotter sex with other men than I do with my partner at the moment. Also had shitter sex. But those relationships had their time and have gone.

Try and leave his ex to him. She's his problem and his history. Really strongly work on building something solid and happy with him. And work on yourself. Do you need to tone up?

My partner works in the music industry and all of the women are seriously hot, successful, beautiful etc. I used to feel intimidated by them except that I am pretty hot myself and turn my share of heads. I took leaves out of the women's books and tightened up my look, my diet and my clothes for the better. I also have started a serious professional endeavor of my own. Man or no man, women deserve lives of their own and happiness of their own.

Forget the photos. Put them back and say nothing. Dwell on your own past. His is the same. It mustn't have been that great or they wouldn't have split.

And trust me on this. Every woman, and I mean every single one including you, has her own way of being special and sexy. No one else will ever be able to be like you. Including her. And we will never be able to be like other people. Wise up. You are cool. Large glass of wine etc. and something that make you feel good x you deserve it.

Logg1e Fri 17-Jan-14 18:35:43

FTR my point was that it was not a child protection issue.

Logg1e Fri 17-Jan-14 18:37:21

Man or no man, women deserve lives of their own and happiness of their own.


something2say Fri 17-Jan-14 18:37:55 a good way?

Logg1e Fri 17-Jan-14 18:38:58

(Sorry something I just found your contribution a bit, er, obvious. And I disagreed with some of it. I should have found a far more polite way of saying that though, so I apologise).

scottishmummy Fri 17-Jan-14 18:39:24

I'm afraid if you're arguing about his ex,that's quite significant in your relationship
You said you can't accept his past.well it can't be what you going to do?
Having a niggle bout ex,not accepting past.thats surely recipe for disaster

something2say Fri 17-Jan-14 18:49:07

Um well, cheers... On with the debate!

peacefuleasyfeeling Fri 17-Jan-14 18:56:55

Poor you, that is a horrible predicament. It's a pity you can not "un-see" what you saw. To me, it sounds as if he has been very honest with you and by your own account he is a good man. Did you feel more at ease with his swinger past before you realised he had this memory card in the shed? I bet, because it was in the bag with other bits and bobs from his glove compartment, that it is quite insignificant to him and that he probably hasn't looked at it for years. For what it's worth, I'm pretty sure I have old photos of exes in various states of undress and degrees of sauciness tucked away in a box somewhere, and DP definitely has pictures of his exes in his photo albums, but more of the innocent doey eyed "look at how in love we are on holiday" variety. My point is that because we are together now, neither of us is interested in looking back. and there is no charge around it. I have a pretty checquered sexual history, but now that I'm with secure and sensible DP I couldn't give two hoots about titillating (sp?) myself with pictures of past conquests, I'm just not interested. I'm sure this is how your DP feels about you, OP. Just put the card back and appreciate him for all the reasons you have given here.

Needadvice5 Fri 17-Jan-14 19:00:58

Thank you Scottish.

I have text him to tell him I have looked at it, states he's really sorry, forgotten it was there, asked me to destroy it straight away....

I'm so mad with him, feel pathetic for maybe making a big deal but i'm just so upset.

Be back soon, need to collect my dd from an activity.

Thanks to everyone that has replied!!

FluffyJumper Fri 17-Jan-14 19:04:22

Mad with him - I don't get it, why?

Logg1e Fri 17-Jan-14 19:08:11

Why are you angry with him? I'm not sure what he's done wrong, and I can't imagine a reaction I'd rather get than that one.

Parsley1234 Fri 17-Jan-14 19:10:12

I liked what you said something ! When I've felt insecure it is more about me than anyone else and if I feal great I can cope. Re the memory card it is his past and his ex might look great but she is his ex for a reason and re the sexual past he shared with her it is the past cannot be undone and nothing on earth Wd incite me to look at photos memory cards of anyone's as its hard to erase images from your mind. He will always have contact with his ex because of the child accept it no matter how you feal about her the child is always going to be part of his life.

Was it deliberately hidden?
Or was it lost and forgotten?

If you feel that the location you found it in tallies with his claim to have forgotten it then, yes, destroy it and move on.

Or do you think he is lying to you?

beachside Fri 17-Jan-14 19:15:41

My Granny used to tell me - if you look under stones, you'll find slugs.

lollerskates Fri 17-Jan-14 19:25:06

Just to be clear: the fact that he had a relationship with his ex makes you so angry that the mere mention of her name is enough to make you start a fight with him? Is that correct?

EverybodysStressyEyed Fri 17-Jan-14 19:39:19

Your dp was with your ex for a reason and I think the way you talk about her pretty vile. She is the mother of his son and I hope you don't argue about her in front of any of the children.

As for the memory card, just destroy it and try to forget what you saw. The past is the past and it should stay there.

Bogeyface Fri 17-Jan-14 19:44:36

what is the issue with his ex? Why do you hate her so much? I am just struggling to see why you can stand to even have her named mentioned. He is the mother of his child and will always be in your lives, if you cant be adult about it then perhaps he isnt "the one" after all.

Freyalright Fri 17-Jan-14 19:47:51

Is looking at someone's memory card the same as snooping on someone's computer, phone or camera?

It sounds like he through all his shit from his car in to a bag and stuck it in the shed. I wouldn't be mad at him. It sounds like he forgot about it.
OP it sounds like you need to work on not getting upset by the ex.

Bogeyface Fri 17-Jan-14 19:55:31

Freya if I found a memory card stuffed away somewhere I would check it, who wouldnt?

It isnt the same as snooping imo, because the OP wasnt actively looking for anything, just found it and wondered what was on it.

Nanny0gg Fri 17-Jan-14 20:03:12

what is the issue with his ex? Why do you hate her so much? I am just struggling to see why you can stand to even have her named mentioned. He is the mother of his child and will always be in your lives, if you cant be adult about it then perhaps he isn't "the one" after all.

That would be my question.
She is his ex. What does it matter what she looked like or that she is 'illiterate'. How do you feel about his DC as it's her DC too?

Jemma1111 Fri 17-Jan-14 20:12:42

Op you seem obsessed with his ex , why ?.

Can't you bear the fact that they share a child ?
Or can't you stand the fact your dp loved someone else at one point ?.

Only1scoop Fri 17-Jan-14 20:17:01

Why do you feel mad with him?
I think it's sensible that you confessed you had found it.
You say your relationship is great other than how you feel about the ex.
She is his ex for a reason. Try not to get hung up on his past.

Logg1e Fri 17-Jan-14 20:25:03

Can't you bear the fact that they share a child ?

I read it more that she can't understand how her husband once loved and was intimate with somebody who in her opinion lacks so many qualities.

msmoss Fri 17-Jan-14 20:34:35

This is your issue OP, you sound very insecure, his ex is in the past and he can't undo the things that went on between them, there is absolutely no point in arguing about their old relationship, what do you hope to gain? All that will happen is you'll push him away.

It sounds like the card was sort of lost, I wouldn't agree with the conclusion that he still looks at it from your description of where you found it, I would have been suspicious if he's said he'd destroy it.

Lweji Fri 17-Jan-14 20:35:25

She may be all that she is, but she is an ex. He is with you.
And by the look of things the card had been forgotten about.
It's not as if it was under his undies in a drawer, or disguised among other cards.
He probably did forget about it and I'd assume there had been other cards.

Don't be too hard on him.

I'd find this grim too. I hope you can both move on from her? She seems to have power over you which is sad?

Needadvice5 Fri 17-Jan-14 20:49:49

Sorry, I'm back.

Just trying to catch up with all the replies before I can start commenting...

LEMmingaround Fri 17-Jan-14 20:58:53

Well, he clearly fancied her at some point! maybe he thought she was attractive and not vile hmm

Needadvice5 Fri 17-Jan-14 21:10:53

Thank you all so much for offering your thoughts and views.

- I'm happy that the card had been genuinely forgotten about, we currently have a mice infestation in the shed, the mice had chewed lots of stuff in the bag including important documents that he had obviously forgotten about too.

- He was mortified that I had found it, not spoken properly because he's at work.

-I'm happy that his relationship with her is completely over, she has a new partner and allegedly had lots of affairs whilst they were married.

- I initially struggled to bond with his ds because he looks like his mum and I suppose he is a constant reminder of their past!

I honestly don't know why I am so hung upon her, not jealous. She has little money, house appears dirty, never does anything nice with her dc.
Please can someone help me understand why I have so much hatred for this woman??

My dp had a relationship previously and she's a lovely person and I have no issues with her, I see her as being very much a part of his past but the other ex is just a massive angry trigger for me.

I am anxious and quite paranoid, on meds from GP, maybe this is part of why I feel like this???

BillyBanter Fri 17-Jan-14 21:13:54

I think one way or another you have to accept that she is part of his life because they have a child together and that they have a history. He's with you now because he loves you not her. And that she's difficult isn't going to change so just has to be dealt with as best as your partner can.

From your description it doesn't even sound like was necessarily watching them but that they were half forgotten about, unimportant to him, and how do you safely get rid of explicit material anyway. You don't want someone to find it and upload it to porntube. You say it was stuff he emptied out of his car. they are often full of useless rubbish.

I don't blame you for wanting mind bleach or it getting to you for now, but they weren't doing anything wrong and you need to move past it eventually.

Needadvice5 Fri 17-Jan-14 21:19:27

Thank you Billy that all makes sense, I really don't know why I'm like this, think I need some counselling or something because maybe I have past issues that are causing these anxieties??

I am quite a level headed normal person, usually!

EverybodysStressyEyed Fri 17-Jan-14 21:20:59

Would counselling help?

The unhealthiest thing here is if your stepson is exposed to the arguments or hears things about what you say about her to him.

She is always going to be a part of your life - but only on the sidelines so don't let it bother you or you'll turn into my step mil who caused a massive atmosphere at my wedding because she hates mil.

Wuxiapian Fri 17-Jan-14 21:24:26

Why are you so obsessed with his ex and what difference does her slimness or illiteracy make? Hey obviously loved her at some point.

You should try forget about it and move on or the relationship won't last.

Only1scoop Fri 17-Jan-14 21:28:24

Op I bet he was mortified that you found it and I am inclined to believe he had forgotten about it.
I think it can be hard when your partner has previously shared a different kind of sex life with a previous partner. I'm not prudish as I'm sure is your case but certain antics which my dp used to get up to in previous relationships were not up my street....I often wondered and have previously asked him if he feels he is missing out now as 'we' don't take part in that stuff. I think seeing those photos must have been difficult.
Sounds like you have a great time together but you do need to address why you have such a strong dislike for the ex partner. Don't let it eat you up. Speak to dp about it.
Good luck.

BillyBanter Fri 17-Jan-14 21:34:51

If anyone is troublesome in whatever way it's perfectly natural, I think, to wish them out of the way. But that's not always feasible. In some circumstances you can't just cut them out or move to the other end of the country or just block them on facebook and so never have to encounter them again. If she has genuinely caused you a lot of trouble then of course you don't like her and wish your partner didn't have to have anything to do with her.

You can't though. So maybe if you do find her existence and your partner's past playing on your mind and playing on any insecurities you may have then counselling might not be such a bad idea.

What you found today is upsetting. I think most people would find it upsetting or at least icky. Who wants to see that? Yuck. It's ok for it to bother you for a few days or weeks. Flashback! Urgh.

TheVictorian Fri 17-Jan-14 21:38:26

op if you want to compete with some of the activities your dp has done with his ex you could put together your own set of saucy photos. im not suggesting going to fetish/swinger events but more of a set that your both happy with.

Bogeyface Fri 17-Jan-14 21:39:34

He obviously loved her at some point.

I think this is the issue.

The other ex he didnt love enough or was committed enough to to have a a child with. But with the ex, he did. The OP knows that she isnt his one and only, that someone beat her to all the firsts, first fiancee, first wife, mother of first child etc.

OP in all seriousness I do think that counselling to explore these feelings would be helpful for you. She exists. As much as you wish that wasnt true, it is. And she will always be in your life as long as you are with your DP, so you either need to come to peace with that or split up with your DP. It really is that simple. If you dont then your irrational hatred of her will poison your relationship with your DPs son and by extension your DP.

You sound like you want to sort this out which I think is a good thing. There was a (now deleted) thread where many years down the line the second wife still had such massive hatred and contempt for the first wife that it was obviously affecting her judgement, I would hate for that to be you.

GideonKipper Fri 17-Jan-14 21:45:01

It does sound like you're very insecure which is a shame because it seems you have a fundamentally good relationship with this man.

I wonder if this ex causes issues with you because you are aware that they had this wild, different lifestyle together and you almost feel a bit threatened by it - that you can't 'match up' and your dp may ultimately get bored with you. This then manifests itself in a real resentment of this woman. Armchair psychology I know!

I feel sorry for your dp in these circumstances. He can't undo his past and it's unfair to be angry with him about it now.

Needadvice5 Fri 17-Jan-14 21:46:05

Thank you Only, I feel very inferior, especially after seeing those awful pictures, our sex life isn't dull, we use toys and watch porn, but nothing as sordid as his previous stuff.
He's clearly said he would never want me to do anything like that.

Every, I honestly don't show my feelings in front of his ds, that would be terrible, he comes and talks about his mum a lot and I am fine with it.

Thank you Billy, She has been a complete night mare to be fair and caused lots of trouble but that doesn't excuse my hatred of her.

My ex (my dc's father) was an abusive wanker and has also caused lots of stress, had lots of court cases to attend from when he last assaulted me as we were separating and my dp has stood by me and supported me 100% without hesitation. He's never once doubted us or dragged my past up! wtf is wrong with me? why can't I accept his past??

paperlantern Fri 17-Jan-14 21:49:44

can I ask if the issue with her is that he clearly was turned on amd enjoyed stuff that would not be of interest to you and that you really find abhorrent.

seeing pictures of him doing stuff and him turned on must have been unnerving.

if this is the case the thing to remember is he has chosen you and the sex life you have.

paperlantern Fri 17-Jan-14 21:52:40


People engage in fetish sex for all sorts of reason. not everyone will do it for ever, not everyone would want to. Sometimes it fulfills a need at the time.

Needadvice5 Fri 17-Jan-14 21:53:55

you're all making me cry! think you've hit the nail on the head Bogey and Gideon, thank you.

I'm quite awful to him because of her and its driving a big wedge between us! I need to stop this strange obsession before we separate.

I knew about the stuff they were into but its in the past.

I love and adore him, he's brilliant with me and my dc, he does everything and anything to make our lives easier.
My family think he's amazing and his family have accepted me and my dc. He's so lovely all the time, I need to sort myself out and not let his past ruin our relationship!


scottishmummy Fri 17-Jan-14 21:55:23

Why are you embroiled in hating his ex?how toxic and pointless
Look he's with you,not her. Stop being so churned up be she was this and that
They have need to get over that,or it'll drive wedge between you and him

Needadvice5 Fri 17-Jan-14 21:59:07

Hi Paper, he told me in the beginning that it was something she wanted to try for a long time and he eventually gave in and although he was initially uncomfortable they continued. she's still into that kind of thing.

He seems happy with our sex life! I am a lot bigger than her (she's a size 8 and I am a 16) but when asked he says he doesn't care?

scottishmummy Fri 17-Jan-14 22:04:45

Stop with the comparisons!so what I'd shes sz8
You're not.and you're not her
Or you can torment yourself on and on...well what you going to do?

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Fri 17-Jan-14 22:07:40

Of course he doesn't care! He is with you. He loves you.

It must have been a horrible find, v shocking but please don't let it come between you.

Many of us did things in the past that would be quite anathema to us now- fortunately I don't think there is photographic evidence of any of the stuff I did but if there were, it would have no baring on me and the relationship I'm in now.

scottishmummy Fri 17-Jan-14 22:08:03

He gave in,participated in sex acts to please her?
Umm,same sex acts he's kept copy of that he re-visits,doesn't seem like unwilling participant to me
If it was about pleasing partner and. Compliance why did be keep the memento

Needadvice5 Fri 17-Jan-14 22:12:53

Scottish, I am happy that the card was genuinely forgotten about.
Going bed now before he's back from work as I really don't want to have to talk about it with him now, I feel very guilty for giving him such a hard time over his ex.

Thanks to you all for posting!

scottishmummy Fri 17-Jan-14 22:13:57

Did he say forgotten?well he would say that....

Logg1e Fri 17-Jan-14 22:26:57

I believe him, that it was forgotten about.

SirRaymondClench Fri 17-Jan-14 22:41:03

Scottish you seem to be almost baiting the Op.

Fucks sake, she's found something that the majority of us would rather never see and she is understandably upset.
She is hardly the first person to have issues with a partners former partner especially if she gets grief from that person. She admits she needs to find a way to deal with these feelings and yet you keep on at her.

You're like a block of fucking ice at times! hmm

scottishmummy Fri 17-Jan-14 22:45:11

Gosh,I see your point,seeing you're so measured in your responses
Thanks for that précis

You need to stop being so hung up on his ex, OP. I know where you're coming from, though. DP split from his ex because she was vile to him - stole, gambled his wages and sold his stuff to pay his debts, and cheated. He doesn't like her at all. If they didn't have DC, we'd have nothing to do with her.

BUT. They do have DC. She is, unfortunately, a part of our lives. I also accept that he loved her and cared for her enough to live with her and to have children with her. I'm sure he made mistakes that contributed to their relationship breakdown as well. I don't like her for what she's done, but we can talk about her without it causing a fight and I don't get angry when he mentions her name.

You need to stop. It will destroy you as a couple. He's with you for a reason. He broke up with her for a reason. Yes, he loved her and had a DC with her, but that's over now. He doesn't love her anymore - he loves you. Unfortunately, you both have to deal with her until their son turns 18, and probably for longer too. The best thing to do is be civil. You don't have to like her, but as a future step-parent, you do need to be civil to her and make sure DS doesn't hear you saying anything negative about her.

Good luck - I totally understand how hard it can be, but you need to try and get over it for the sake of your future relationship with DP smile

SirRaymondClench Fri 17-Jan-14 22:48:22

Scottish Gosh,I see your point,seeing you're so measured in your responses
Thanks for that précis

My pleasure.

scottishmummy Fri 17-Jan-14 22:50:39

You know what op for as long as you fret about ex there will always be a threesome
You,him ,her
You can decide to push it away,or you can obsess what size jeans she took

BOFtastic Fri 17-Jan-14 23:02:59

I've sent you a PM, OP- I hope it helps.

GideonKipper Fri 17-Jan-14 23:25:11

Really annoying reading posts from people who don't know your DP from Adam being oh so convinced that he regularly looks at these pictures and gets off on them. How the fuck can they make bald statements like that without the benefit of 24 hour surveillance of this man?

I agree it's much more likely the sd card was bundled in amongst a load of old stuff and forgotten about. OP, he sounds like a good, supportive, loving man, you're happy with him. Don't let this blight your relationship any more. thanks. Good luck.

Only1scoop Fri 17-Jan-14 23:26:56

Agree Gideon
Good luck Op thanks

scottishmummy Sat 18-Jan-14 01:23:39

Gideon,you don't know the husband either or his're not the definitive voice
We've all opined.might be right,or wrong.but your not in position to take higher moral stance

GideonKipper Sat 18-Jan-14 01:38:51

"He gave in,participated in sex acts to please her?
Umm,same sex acts he's kept copy of that he re-visits,doesn't seem like unwilling participant to me
If it was about pleasing partner and. Compliance why did be keep the memento" ScottishMummy

"Did he say forgotten?well he would say that...."ScottishMummy

"I agree it's much more likely the sd card was bundled in amongst a load of old stuff and forgotten about." Me

Don't think I'm cracking on that I'm the 'definitive voice' or taking a 'higher moral stance' to be perfectly frank. That'd be you.

OP has provided information which suggests her dp is a decent bloke with a past, he's supportive and caring and has not pressurised her into any sexual stuff she doesn't want to do. For some reason you seem to have inferred that her dp is a liar who gets his kicks from looking at pictures of him shagging his ex and others. You were OTT.

Jengnr Sat 18-Jan-14 01:40:14

No, but we do know she found the memory card in the shed in a bag of stuff that had been half eaten by mice.

That's not conducive to it being revisited and absolutely is to it being forgotten about.

GideonKipper Sat 18-Jan-14 01:42:19


scottishmummy Sat 18-Jan-14 01:45:43

Not in least.op needs not fret about an ex,given shes the current partner
Op is disproportionately winding her self up,comparisons,his past,etc
The photos are of consensual acts he undertook in past with ex.hundreds images of consensual acts in past.

Cut and paste all you wish,I know what I wrote
The op knew he's got a past and ex.shes uncomfortable with it
A past Which he may minimise to spare her feelings,of that would be tactful and kind

GideonKipper Sat 18-Jan-14 02:11:59

You were winding her up.

He has minimised it.

You seem to be changing your tune somewhat.

Isetan Sat 18-Jan-14 04:08:14

If the mere mention of her name makes you rage, even if his children aren't in the room the silent contempt when they are will be enough. To keep images, even if they are later forgotten, really doesn't suggest that he was doing something he was unhappy with. Which means his current 'She made me do it guv' view of his sexual past is to appease you. All is not rosy in your garden if he feels he must do this and do really want to be in a relationship with someone who bends the truth about something you already know about for a quieter life. Do you trust him? You mentioned the "alleged" affairs of his Ex which suggest to me that you don't.

This has very little to do with your partner or his Ex. Take this opportunity to sort yourself out, counselling could help.

meiisme Sat 18-Jan-14 08:34:27

When a certain person or thing triggers this kind of immediate hatred, they/it usually remind you of something painful in your past. As PP said, you seem very focussed on making his ex the evil one (vile, dirty, manipulative, unfaithful, etc) and your DP almost angelic. Could it be that your real insecurity is whether your DP has a hidden, dark side? That you are trying to throw everything about his past that makes you wonder if you really know him in her direction? Given your experience with DV that wouldn't be surprising. Just an idea, FWIW.

shey02 Sat 18-Jan-14 08:48:05

It changes nothing really. But I totally get how it would make you feel down. This is just me now and maybe it's wrong, but I'd have to chuck it.... Because the thought of him still looking at it would eat me up, that would be wrong of him.

Remember what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. He is your man now and is a good man by your account. Do something to boost your confidence in yourself, not for him, but for you (if only to combat your temporary insecurity) also maybe a little downtime with your friends just to take your mind of it..... It may be worth a chat in the future, but not now while you're feeling a bit raw.

CrabbyWinterBottom Sat 18-Jan-14 09:16:10

You may know what you wrote Scottish, but everyone else can see it too, and you were saying with certainty that he has been looking at the photos when there's absolutely nothing to indicate that at all. hmm You certainly do seem to be baiting the OP.

OP I think you need to get some counselling/take some measures for how you feel about his ex, as it sounds as though it's driving a wedge between you and DP. His ex isn't going away - she's the mother of his son and if you are causing a row every time her name is mentioned then I'm afraid you're also affecting his relationship with his son as he may well be reluctant to talk to you about his child (as it will often involve mentioning the mother). I appreciate that you aren't letting your feelings affect the little boy, but believe me that resentment will be creating toxicity left, right and centre if you don't do something about it. If he's as decent a man as you say he is, then you need to stop that happening. If you're on meds for anxiety etc then your GP may refer you for counselling/CBT?

With regards to the memory card, whilst I can understand the temptation, you had no business looking at what's on it - it was clearly his private property. As someone beautifully put it upthread... If you look under stones you'll find slugs! I understand that seeing the images would be upsetting, but they were consensual acts in his past and you've got no business viewing them. He's given you as ideal a response as you could hope for, imo - apologise to him for snooping and invading his privacy, and move on. Please take some measures to deal with your jealously before it irrevocably harms your relationship, as it sounds as though you're happy with this man. smile

scottishmummy Sat 18-Jan-14 10:11:19

No,you're simply not correct in that summation but I expect you'll stick to it
The worries the op has are self generated,she preoccupied by the ex and it plays on her
If the ex was so great he'd still be with her.hes with op

The memory card isn't the issue,really. It's his Past sexual history
Op self esteem and worries about the ex are,and if it continue it'll cause her anguish
If everything else is ok,she needs to work on strategy to care less about the ex

GideonKipper Sat 18-Jan-14 10:36:50

The worries the op has are self generated????

Well, it certainly doesn't help put those worries to bed when a random person on the Internet states, in absolute terms, that her dp took part in 'sex acts he's kept copy of that he revisits' thus implying that he's still getting his rocks off in relation to his ex.

scottishmummy Sat 18-Jan-14 10:43:30

Yes it's self generated,she says he treats her well.the anxiety is within the op
In fairness the op has disclosed her relationship online,to random strangers,inviting our comment
Op clearly preoccupied by the ex,it is self generated. Hopefully she works a strategy to minimise reduce impact ex has on her

We are all random strangers,opining on thread that invited discussion
None if us can unequivocally say we've got it right
And if one doesn't want random strangers opining then one shouldn't post

GideonKipper Sat 18-Jan-14 10:56:54

Can't you see by posting what you did that it's reinforcing those insecurities and anxieties? You have no idea that he looks at the pictures and videos,
but you stated with such conviction that he does.

Of course I can't say with certainty he doesn't, but what some other posters and I have said is that it is unlikely, given that the card was in a mice infested shed with a load of other old rubbish (along with some important documents which he wouldn't have left there if he'd known).

GideonKipper Sat 18-Jan-14 10:59:42

Also the little jibe 'well he would say that. ..' a snide little comment implying her dp is playing her for a fool.

scottishmummy Sat 18-Jan-14 11:05:22

You're now preoccupied arguing my response to op,why?
If op wants to come back and put me clear in wrong,that's fair enough
You arguing it for her,is you using her thread as vehicle to tell me I'm in wrong

Logg1e Sat 18-Jan-14 11:20:45

I think that gideon's right scottish. What did you mean by, "Well he would say that" and why did you post it?

scottishmummy Sat 18-Jan-14 11:24:16

Oh hello,come to pile in too.i think you do understand my point
I,also think you're looking for wee bit aggro
I'm no biting

Logg1e Sat 18-Jan-14 11:30:51

I'm sorry you feel people are piling in on you, but no, I just have sympathy for Gideon's point. That's why I immediately responded as I did when you first said, "he would say that".

At the moment it sounds as though "he would say that" is you suggesting OP's husband is lying. I can't see how that is helpful when in the next breath your telling her that her anxieties are "self-generated".

GideonKipper Sat 18-Jan-14 11:36:02

Ok, I'll take 'I'm not biting' to mean you can't think of a response because you know you're wrong.

I'm not using op's thread as a vehicle at all, just pointing out a couple of issues with your posts to the op.

Seems a bit odd to bang on about the need for the op to sort out her insecurities after posting stuff which is likely to make her feel even worse.

scottishmummy Sat 18-Jan-14 14:54:40

No,Gideon.i won't conduct an argument with you on someone else thread
You seem v desperate to provoke a response,I'm not interested.
Also,I'm not in the wrong.but hey I would say that wouldn't I...

TinselTownley Sat 18-Jan-14 15:39:32

My now ex (of this morning) did this sort of stuff with his ex wife. I thought I was broad-minded too but I actually think you have to be a bit of an emotional retard to get off on a load of sweaty strangers inflating your ego in pursuit of an orgasm. You might think he's the one now but the trophies say different. Honestly, get out now. He's toxic and I should know.

GideonKipper Sat 18-Jan-14 16:10:28

ScottishMummmy I think it's a classic case of you can dish it out but you can't take it.

You said if OP wants to come back and put you in the clear that you're wrong then that's fine. I doubt she will as it would probably be a futile exercise - she already said to you up thread that she was happy with her OP's explanation that he'd forgotten about the memory card, which prompted you to come over all Mandy Rice-Davies with the 'Well he would say that...".

I am not desperate for an argument; I was just wondering if you could justify some of the things you've said on here. As I see you plainly can't I'll leave it there.

beachside Sat 18-Jan-14 20:30:34

Maybe, just maybe Scottishmummy has a point.

Rereading the whole thread, I'm starting to agree with the self generated / lack of security / confidence from OP position.All the stuff along the way that op isn't confident with herself, or with the relationship, is jealous of the ex, the rage etc.

My view? Op, you really shouldn't have snooped through someone elses property, this is showing lack of trust. You need to let this go, hold your head up and be positive about your relationship.

Logg1e Sat 18-Jan-14 20:46:04

beachside, Maybe, just maybe Scottishmummy has a point. Rereading the whole thread, I'm starting to agree with the self generated / lack of security / confidence from OP position.

Well, the OP has said as much herself! What I didn't find helpful was for scottishmummy to suggest that she should doubt her husband when his actions also indicates that she has nothing to worry about.

Of course, this could all be cleared up by scottishmummy explaining why she said, "well, he would say that" followed by sceptical smiley.

GideonKipper Sat 18-Jan-14 20:46:37

Yes of course, no one is disputing that the OP seems to have major security, self image and anxiety issues. She's said herself that her dp is fantastic with her, has never made her feel inferior, supports her and her dc and has never pressurised her into sexual things she doesn't want to do. Therefore we agree the insecurity is self generated. There have been other posts exploring why this might be.

So, why then cast aspersions on this man stating that he's still looking at this stuff from the past and lying to the OP about it, when there's no evidence to back this up? This also is likely to make the OP feel even more insecure than she did in the first place.

I really am going to have to leave this now. OP if you're still reading I hope you get everything sorted, and you find a way to make peace with your dp's past and having the ex in your life via his son. Good luck.

GideonKipper Sat 18-Jan-14 20:47:19

X post with Logg1e.

MrsIgglePiggle Sat 18-Jan-14 21:39:38

Once a bit of a perv...always a bit of a perv.

Needadvice5 Sat 18-Jan-14 22:45:34

Hi, sorry been a busy Saturday visiting my mum on her birthday.

Thanks to everyone that has posted!
I'm very happy that this memory card had been forgotten about, there were letters in the bag and a bank card that had expired 2 years ago, I can tell from the state of the bag it had been put in the shed snd forgotten about.

I shouldn't have looked and wish I hadn't but it's done now and I have to move forward.

We've all got history and whilst I'm disgusted by these photos it was before we met and he's never asked me to participatein anything like that.

I'm very insecure, my ex (dc's dad) was very abusive, my dc witnessed things that no chid should see.

I often wonder if this relationship will go wrong, it all seems too good to be true, he's so good and caring towards me and my dc and I genuinely can't fault him.

I need to stop this insecure jealously I have with his ex and concentrate on being happy!

Thank you to you all......

CrabbyWinterBottom Sat 18-Jan-14 23:14:57

No,you're simply not correct in that summation but I expect you'll stick to it

Really scottishmummy? Because you said:

"The card was kept and hidden because he still looks,but conceals it from you

"that's not solution he still has the interest.he still looks

"same sex acts he's kept copy of that he re-visits

"Did he say forgotten?well he would say that...."

When there was no evidence of that at all. hmm Way to go to make the OP feel even worse about the situation! I just don't understand how people can be so certain of a situation from a few lines on the internet. confused

Need I really hope you get some counselling for the issues that you've had in your past, and the jealously that you're feeling now. It sounds as though he's been open and honest with you. If he's a decent man who treats you and your children well, don't let a good relationship be ruined by your issues with his son's mother. It's just not worth it. He's with you because he loves you, not her!

beaglesaresweet Sun 19-Jan-14 00:06:48

OP, you said you watch porn and use sextoys with your P,do you honestly WANT to do this, or are you just doing doing it to please him, knowing that he had a seedy adventurous past? That could be the crux of your issues with him and the ex, apart from your general insecurity.
You may be competing with the ex regarding sexlife, while knowing that you will never really be up for the seedy side that used to appeal to him and to her (and it did, even if he was reluctant at first). That's what's unhealthy - the competition, and trying to please. I notice that you constatly apologise on the thread - maybe you are a pleaser and insecure, and that can well make you angry (resentful) inside. The answer is, stop doing anything that you genuinely don't want to do. Then you have more self-esteem, rather than pleasing him to compete with ex (but still not be able to compete as you hate th seedy swinging etc). Isn't porn just a milder version of swinging? obviously a lot milder, but it's in the same direction - if you hate it, don't do it!

Needadvice5 Sun 19-Jan-14 08:51:33

Morning beagles, I'm genuinely happy with our sex life after I separated from my dc's dad I spent a fortune on love honey and bought lots of toys!! Looked at some porn out of curiosity.

So this was before I met my dp, we don't look at porn very often together tbf, I do if I'm alone and I think the same for him.

I'm very comfortable with our sex life, he's never made me feel uncomfortable or asked me to do anything wierd.

Thankyoufor replying to my post beagles.

Only1scoop Sun 19-Jan-14 10:38:05

Thanks for updating us op.

"Isn't porn just a milder version of swinging"

Just read on a prev post not op's

Not in my book either Op.

I enjoy a reasonably naughty sex life ....even enjoy watching a bit of porn with/without dp. However I have never felt the need to do any form of swinging either .....nooooo thank you.

Ex for a reason (prob his ex for Many many reasons) Most of us have insecurities.... don't let this one eat away at you. Enjoy what you have. It sounds pretty good to me. Maybe a little counselling would help. See what you think.

Really hope all works out for you Op good luck x

NotDavidTennant Sun 19-Jan-14 10:56:32

Is part of it that you can't get your head round how some that you love could have once loved someone you find so vile? That if he could have a loved her once then you're afraid he's not quite the person that you think he is?

Lweji Sun 19-Jan-14 11:05:24

It is possible that she was the one who pushed his boundaries in ways he wasn't really comfortable with.

Tomkat79 Sun 19-Jan-14 12:43:18

Hi OP, just going to comment here if I dare and flip things about a bit!

My ex H asked me to 'swing' with him and another man 6 years ago. I went along with it to make him happy. It backfired and to cut a long story short he ended up coming out as a x dressing bi-sexual and I left him for the guy that we had had a three-some with.

Thinking that I would be enough for the new guy we settled into a relationship that I obviously thought was meant to be. It wasn't long before he was sharing his fetish fantasies with me and asking me to go to swinging clubs and dogging with him. Looking back now my self esteem was in the toilet. I agreed again to keep him happy. I was infatuated with the guy. I searched his laptop one day and found all sorts of images that I can still see now. So I thought that I had to run with the pack so to speak and keep him satisfied in the same way. We did this for a whole and I totally sacrificed my sexual self which has taken years to rebuild. He is by-sexual and also likes to x dress! No I didn't realise when we first got together and we separated 4 years ago.

I am now with a wonderful man that knows the whole story as he has helped me pick up the broken bits and glued them back together. If he's honest he's repulsed by the thought of how anyone could ever share me and how I was manipulated into doing all sorts of things that i didn't want to do. He has never seen any images as I assume they are all on the exes laptop. If he did he would no doubt feel like you. There are times I know that he has felt insecure about our sex life, as in it not being extreme and has worried that he is not enough for me.

Let me just reassure you that he and our 'normal' sex life is more than enough for me so I very much think that your DP feels the same. Instant gratification comes with extreme sex, maybe this is something that his ex, like my exes craved. It's very easy to get caught up in something kinky and crazy, act first..,think later.

The fact that your DP has never asked you to participate in anything like this just proves to me that he is more than happy with how things are now, with you and just you. Whatever shape or size you are xxx

beaglesaresweet Sun 19-Jan-14 13:04:08

Glad to hear it, OP, I think it was worth making sure in this discussion that it's not the case, a scenario that could be similar to what Tomkat just descibed, in fact (minus the actual threesomes)! But if he hasn't impose watching porn on you that's fine. Also from your earlier description, it wasn't clear whether you usually watch porn together, and obviously if it was watching mainly group sex porn, then it would really be similar to swinging, some people go to swinging parties just tyo watch btw, so really not a million miles away. But I did mean that it's similar only if the porn features most of the time in your sexlife, and especially if he needed it to get going. Obviously, not the case, so great.

I now tend to agree with posters who said that it may be emotional, i.e. you think if he loves you, how could he also love someone 'vile' and unpleasant, as if you don't know him completely as a person. People do change with age, Op, and also people often get under influence - but now hre influence is shaken off, and he is mature, so try not to fixate on how he used to be.

Needadvice5 Sun 19-Jan-14 19:55:18

Thankyou for sharing your story with me Tomkat, sounds very similar! I was ok with it until I came across the vile pictures and now cannot get the image out of my mind......

I've come to the conclusion that it because it all happened in the past I need to draw a line under it all and move on.

Like some of you have said he's with me now and not her. I sometimes think he needs a medal for sticking by me.

Thanks toeveryone who has helped me......X

shey02 Mon 20-Jan-14 09:24:56

Gosh, I think it's understandable the OP would feel a bit low/insecure here. It's not that anyone has done anything wrong.... By all accounts the dp is a loving, caring partner. It's just that OP needs to find ways to boost self-confidence and cope with letting go of the past (which given the visuals here) may take some time and even counselling. Even talking on here helps, it helps me with my issues. Hugs OP, you can get beyond this, I'm sure. smile

It's important to remember that there is actually nothing wrong with swinging and fetish clubs. Some people like that sort of sex and others don't. Some people do have negative experiences when they experiment to please a partner, particularly if the partner is abusive, but other people try it at a partner's suggestion and find they thoroughly enjoy it.

And some people try it with one partner, enjoy it at the time but later percieve it as their 'wild past' that's simply something over and done with (similar to people who were into recreational drugs in their youth and simply outgrew their interest, which is very, very common). I think this might well bethe case here. It doesn't sound as though the OP's chap is secretly gagging to get back on the scene.

Bin the card, OP, and look for some counselling for yourself. Your hatred of your DP's XP is unreasonable and damaging - to you, your relationship and to your DP's son.

Joysmum Mon 20-Jan-14 11:40:29

Swinging or not, how many of us would be upset if we found photos or vids of our partners engaging in their monogamous sex life with a previous partner?

I think you are understandably upset and would be even if it was sexual practices you enjoy.

Needadvice5 Mon 20-Jan-14 12:22:49

Thankyou solid, I "dabbled" in drugs whilst at uni before I had my dc and my dp thinks it's terrible,it's noy something I'd dream of doing now so I suppose it's a similar thing?

My dp's partner was quite physically abusive towards him, I often noted that he had scratches to his face and once a laceration to his forehead where she had thrown an ornament at him, this was before we got together.

Although this is no excuse he had the chance to say no when she wanted to try these "extra" sexual activities!

I'm waiting for CBT that my GP has referred me for, I don't want to lose my dp, he really does treat me and the dc so well and I know that unless I sort my insecurities out I'll push him away....

Thanks all xxx

musicismylife Mon 20-Jan-14 12:54:36

If she was attractive I think I would be ok, she's so vile, I have huge issues about her

You think she is vile. He clearly didn't/doesn't. And he obviously enjoyed sleeping with her.

You either put up with your findings (stay with him) or don't (leave him). The damage has been done and it can't be undone iyswim.

Just put it back where you found it and move on. He has clearly moved on, so why can't you?

Your insecurities are not anyone elses problem.

Yes, I do sound harsh but all you're going to do is lower your self-esteem and have even more resentment towards her. It really isn't worth it.


musicismylife Mon 20-Jan-14 13:03:45

ps, please don't click on the vids


THERhubarb Mon 20-Jan-14 13:07:52

OP, you've said quite a few nasty things about his ex.

You've said that she is ugly, rough looking, vile and illiterate. I think you've made it quite clear that you hate her guts. So, why?

Has she done anything to you personally? It doesn't seem very fair to focus on her looks and education as reasons for hating her.

If your dp was very young then I'd say that he was with her to fulfil his lusts. He was probably very sexually active and this girl was a dream come true because not only would she participate in his every sexual fantasy but she'd also encourage him to get his kicks with other women too. What man wouldn't like that?

However there comes a point when you need more than just sex and your dp sounds like he came to that point. He could clearly see that they weren't compatible but they now have a son together, so no matter what your feelings for her are, you mustn't forget that she is a mother and deserves respect.

She may have huge regrets about that part of her life and may want to move on but is unable because every time she sees your dp she is reminded of it.

Your dp had his fun, realised that it wasn't all it cracked up to be and now appreciates what you give him. He probably enjoys sex a lot more because there is emotion involved rather than meaningless sex.

If you are convinced that he no longer looks at the photos then throw it away. I must admit I'd be dubious about his reasons for wanting to keep the photos. He could easily have thrown it away, but something stopped him and whilst he may not have looked at them in a long time, he probably knows they are there. I mean, where are you least likely to look? In a bag in the shed containing stuff from his old car? I doubt it came from his car did it? So he put it there.

Might be an idea to delete the photos, replace them with pictures of you and flowers and butterflies and bunny rabbits as a nice surprise for him should he ever decide to revisit his past grin

THERhubarb Mon 20-Jan-14 13:13:31

Ah, you've told him already.

Oh well.

As for his ex, you do sound disproportionally hung up about her, to the point where you are in danger of coming across as not very nice either. So what if her house is a bit dirty? So what if she is "illiterate" or ugly? (your opinion)

I think you need to see a counsellor before your hatred towards her starts to swallow you up or even, affect her son who looks like her.

I agree with SGB.

I hope the counselling helps you OP.

Wuxiapian Mon 20-Jan-14 13:48:15

OP slates the ex because her self esteem is low. And, I don't believe she'd feel better if the ex was attractive - I'm pretty sure she'd feel a damn sight worse.

Lweji Mon 20-Jan-14 14:12:01

Although this is no excuse he had the chance to say no when she wanted to try these "extra" sexual activities!

Many women report here being drawn into sexual activities they were not really comfortable with.

He could have said no, but he may have said yes to keep her happy. Or he could have instigated it. He alone will know. Just offering a different perspective.

THERhubarb Mon 20-Jan-14 14:27:12

I doubt he was drawn into them, especially not if he keeps photographic records. I can imagine a woman being uncomfortable with it but men seem to be more keen on this sort of thing. Women attach emotions to sex whereas men seem to be able to switch emotions off and just be happy to get their rocks off.

It's a generalisation I know but I've heard of lots of women feeling under pressure to do certain sexual activities but never the other way round.

Regardless anyway, it's clear that he's no longer into all of that and I don't agree that he loved her, I think he was just exploring and enjoying this sexual freedom with a woman who was more than happy to join in the anything goes attitude.

I do think that it's not his ex that is the problem though, it's the OP's attitude to her and OP, when you said that if anything were to break you up it would be her, I think you meant you. Because she won't break up your relationship, only you can do that.

You seriously need to get to the bottom of your feelings towards her. Yes your ex had a girlfriend previously that you thought was ok but he didn't have a child with her did he? Bottom line is that he has a child with this woman who was a sexual adventurer and that is what makes you feel insecure. The fact that he has to maintain contact, that he has to continue seeing her and you feel that with her svelte size 8 figure she might just tempt your ex back to his wild and free days and nothing he, or anyone, says will convince you otherwise.

Your jealousy and low self esteem is eating you up and if you are not careful you will end up taking it out on her (their) son too, who is the spitting image of his mother.

Enough people have expressed a concern, now it's up to you to sort it out.

Logg1e Mon 20-Jan-14 15:35:29

Rhubarb, men seem to be more keen on this sort of thing. Women attach emotions to sex whereas men seem to be able to switch emotions off and just be happy to get their rocks off. It's a generalisation I know but I've heard of lots of women feeling under pressure to do certain sexual activities but never the other way round.

In my experience, that's a lot of unfounded, sexist nonsense.

Logg1e: Very true. The last time I actually had an ongoing relationship, I was the one who instigated the open/swinging/fetish aspects. The bloke was willing at the time but we later split up because, having tried it all out, he decided that what he wanted was a monogamous relationship. He and I split amicably and are still on good terms.

THERhubarb Mon 20-Jan-14 16:01:04


I did actually make it clear that this was a general observation based on experience and not a factoid.

I've been on Mumsnet for 12 years and in all that time I've heard countless tales of women going along with their partner's sexual experiences to keep them happy. True of real life experiences too, it's usually the man's fantasy to have a threesome (2 women, 1 bloke) or try different sexual partners whilst in a relationship. From experience again, it's usually the woman who changes her mind.

This is from wiki: "Male fantasies tend to focus more on visual imagery and explicit anatomic detail, whereas women's fantasies tend to contain more emotion and connection. When compared to homosexual and heterosexual women, homosexual and heterosexual men are consistently found to be more interested in visual sexual stimulation and fantasies about casual sex encounters.[26]

Another way the sexes differ is that men are much more likely to fantasize about having multiple sexual partners (i.e., having threesomes or orgies) compared to women. The sexes also differ in terms of how much they fantasize about dominance and submission. Men fantasize equally often about dominance and submission, whereas women fantasize about submission much more frequently than dominance. [27]" link here

Obviously other people have different experiences. I fail to see how that merited your comment Logg1e I'm getting tired of people being rude and dismissive on Mumsnet when they would never do so to your face. Does it hurt to just disagree politely?

Needadvice5 Mon 20-Jan-14 18:58:42

Hi guys, I've done something ridiculously stupid this afternoon and had another look at the memorycard.

God knows why, I feel as shit as I did from when I first found it.

from what I can see it's his ex with another girl mostly, just one photo of him and his ex having sex, not that it matters because it's all still vile and seedy.
I'm estimating its about 6 years ago because of the baby items in the back ground (classy I know).

The hatred towards the ex, I think it's because she's so different to him that I dislike her so much, I struggle to understand wht he was with her for 10 years!

His previous ex was very attractive, a model. I have no issues with her at all?

Don't think I wantto stay with him, I really thought he was the one.

I get in after a 12 hour shift and he's taken my dc out bowling/cinema etc.

my dinner is cooked for me.

The house is spotless.

Dogs walked.

He's washed and ironed.

Done food shopping.

bottle of wine in the fridge......

you get the picture.

Life with my ex was very different, he smoked cannabis all day, kids didn't get fed, house was a shit hole....

when I see it written down it makes me realise what I'll lose but don't know how I'll get past this!
All because of his sordid past and horrible ex ffs.

Bogeyface Mon 20-Jan-14 19:01:40

Instead of leaving, why not get yourself some counselling?

You have admitted that the problem is within you, not anything he has done, so you wont be leaving the problem behind if you leave him. You will take it with you and it will rear up in the next relationship you have, so you will leave, and it will happen again.......

I really do think that you need to explore why you feel the way you do, and what you can do to deal with it. You have a great relationship with a loving caring man, why throw that away if you can fix this issue?

ComingtoKent Mon 20-Jan-14 19:06:54

I agree - please get some counselling. Your partner sounds lovely and caring, surely it's worth making every effort to get past this?

Please destroy the bloody memory card. It must have been awful to stumble across it in the first place, but please remove the temptation to torture yourself with it further. What can be gained? You can't change your partner's past. You can only deal with your response.

Good luck.

AnyFucker Mon 20-Jan-14 19:09:25

Hello there. I have been lurking on your thread so far and you have had some good advice. Your panic today though is palpable.

If you search any of my other posts you may see that I am usually very intolerant of any kind of sleazy behaviour but sweetie, this is in his past. It must have been horrendous to see that evidence of his previous sex life and certainly not one you would condone but it's gone.

bearing in mind all this on film is consensual (and you are as sure as you can be that it was, as is he) then I would advise you to put it where it none of your business

please don't throw away an otherwise good relationship for this

Needadvice5 Mon 20-Jan-14 19:12:53

I know I have anxiety and paranoia issues, awaiting CBT and dp has supported me really well so far, when I'm down he will arrange for us to do something nice to try and cheer me up.

I have an appointment at the GU clinic tomorrow, even though we've been together for 2 years and I have no doubts about him ever cheating on me.

My life feels like such a shit mess, I'm sure things were more straightforward with my abusive ex!

Needadvice5 Mon 20-Jan-14 19:13:01

I know I have anxiety and paranoia issues, awaiting CBT and dp has supported me really well so far, when I'm down he will arrange for us to do something nice to try and cheer me up.

I have an appointment at the GU clinic tomorrow, even though we've been together for 2 years and I have no doubts about him ever cheating on me.

My life feels like such a shit mess, I'm sure things were more straightforward with my abusive ex!

Only1scoop Mon 20-Jan-14 19:14:06

Op you sound down today. Your last post sounded quite positive regarding the pending counselling etc.
you must be wearing yourself out with all this. It's not up to you to question so intently how/why he spent x amount of years with his ex partner.... He did's past ....he Chooses to be with you now..It's just not worth the energy.
How are the two of you together have you had a good discussion since finding the card?

Bogeyface Mon 20-Jan-14 19:19:31

Why on earth are you going through a GU exam with no evidence at all that you need it?

This has nothing to do with his previous sex life has it? You are so used to being treated like shit that yes, things were more straightforward with your ex. He treated you like utter crap and you believed you must deserve it otherwise he wouldnt do it.

With your DP, he treats you very well, loves and respects you, and you dont feel that you deserve that. You dont feel good enough for him and you expect him to leave or cheat one day when he realises that he is way above your league. you have no experience of being treated well and are therefore on tenterhooks for the day when things go back to "normal", and you are abused again.

You need counselling urgently. Could you afford to go private?

Only1scoop Mon 20-Jan-14 19:25:46

Why GU now OP? Did you ever go when you first got together? When is counselling appointment likely to come through?

Lweji Mon 20-Jan-14 19:28:21

I do think you should destruct these photos asap. You'll always have the temptation to look at them and it will destroy your relationship.

Bogeyface Mon 20-Jan-14 19:32:29

I could be way off the mark here but something has occurred to me.

You say things were simpler with your ex, and I agree. You werent happy but at least you knew where you stood. Being treated well and with respect is so new to you that you dont know how to handle it. Then you find this memory card and instead of throwing it away and moving on, you look at it again even though you know it will hurt, you book a GU appointment that you dont need, you haul yourself over the coals every second.

ITs almost as if you are using this to abuse yourself (iykwim), because that is what you know. As if you feel safer being abused because that fits in with your own lack of self esteem. Feeling that you are shit, but being treated like a princess is hard to deal with.

Needadvice5 Mon 20-Jan-14 19:34:12

Counselling isn't a problem,I work for the NHS ( we both do) and I can access free Bupa at any time.

I had it before after the domestic abuse with my ex and hated it, cried at every session!

He's sat playing a board game with dc at the moment and I'm in the kitchen in floods of tears ffs.

I really don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, this man is brilliant In every way and I want to separate because he's had a threesome 6 fucking years.

puts it into perspective seeing it written down.

Hi AF, you've always made sense and have pm'd me when I first left my ex....

AnyFucker Mon 20-Jan-14 19:50:54

The I am sorry to see that you are tying yourself in knots in this way, about a decent bloke

I can only tell you my own opinion, but the only thing in a bloke's past that would be a complete deal breaker is violence, sexual violence or the use of the sex industry/prostitutes

I don't actually know what my H sexual past is like, I haven't ever asked him and I don't want to know (and vice versa)

being confronted with actual evidence of it would be an almighty shock and distressing to see, but it wouldn't be a dealbreaker

AnyFucker Mon 20-Jan-14 19:52:52

I understand the ick factor, really I do. But this was way before you got together, love x

Logg1e Mon 20-Jan-14 20:12:32

Just another voice asking you not to throw away a safe and happy relationship. All good advice just now, but especially Bogey's point about if you leave your husband over this you'll be taking the problems with you.

Can you give the memory card back to your husband and ask him to throw it away?

BOFtastic Mon 20-Jan-14 20:19:57

Bogeyface has nailed it, I think. This looks a lot like sabotaging yourself to me.

need has all this triggered something in you about your abusive ex? Don't mix your ex up with your DP.

Needadvice5 Mon 20-Jan-14 20:44:30

Thanks Logge, that's probably a really good idea, we haven't mentioned it since we first argued. He hasn't asked for it but will give it him back later when dd is in bed and see what he does, hopefully destroy it like he should have done when they separated.

Thanks AF, I think seeing it written down has made me realise how ridiculous/ pathetic I'm being.

It's his past, I'm hopefully gonna be his future,he certainly seems to want it to be like that.

Not sure Sparkly, possibly, I have no contact due to a restraining order and dc don't see him on advice of social services.

maybe its part of the problem.
I've never dealt with some of the things that happened between us.
He forced me to do things sexually and although I've briefly told my lovely dp I've never discussed it with anyone else.

I'm safe and happy now (mostly) and more importantly so are my dc.

Thanks all xxxxxx

lunar1 Mon 20-Jan-14 20:48:31

I think you need to step away from your partner until you sort these feelings out. Your hatred for his ex will not be as hidden from his ds as yo think and it is unfair for a child to be exposed such feelings towards his mum. It doesn't read as though she has done anything to you, it just seems you don't like the man your dp was when he was with her.

Your partner should not have shown you the pictures the second time, the other people in them didn't plan to share them with you, I would think less of him for doing that.

I hope you can get your cbt started soon, I would take a step back from this blended family until you can sort your thoughts out and understand why you feel the way you do.

Logg1e Mon 20-Jan-14 20:58:23

You don't sound ridiculous or pathetic to me. You sound threatened and scared and on the defence. I'm wondering if all of this has reminded you of the sex acts you were forced to do in the past. You're on the attack to protect yourself, but it's not something that's going to help now, in this relationship.

I would give the memory card back to its owner. Tell him you wish you hadn't looked because it's upsetting you. Tell him you hope he destroys it, but really you know it's his to do with as he pleases.

Allergictoironing Mon 20-Jan-14 21:01:17

lunar her P didn't show her the pictures, the OP has kept the card and looked at them herself; I doubt he even knows she's looked a second time.

OP please don't use giving him the card back as a sort of test, with "if he doesn't immediately and with no suggestion from you destroy it in an extravagant way then he must still be hankering after that life" type of thinking.

By all means give him the card but at the same time ask him to destroy it, and also ask that he does it when you can see and explain that's NOT because you don't trust him, but because you know you are a little paranoid about the subject and it will make you feel more secure.

Namechanger102 Mon 20-Jan-14 21:07:43

In an earlier post, you said that the ex had behaved quite violently towards your DP. Is it possible that this might contribute towards your feelings towards her? Sometimes it can be very easy to be very angry with someone who has hurt a person we love - more angry than the hurt person is themselves iyswim.

shey02 Mon 20-Jan-14 21:43:53

God, please take a hammer to this memory stick! It's upsetting, but it's not a deal breaker. He's done nothing bad to you, he deserves no punishment, keep remembering that, he is ticking all the boxes, don't forget that. I bet if you told him how low you feel (without necessarily mentioning the photo's/past again), I bet he'd want to boost up your confidence, tell you how much he loves you. Look at how well he takes care of you all... That is because HE IS HAPPY, with you.

Unhappy people withdraw and are disengaged. He's your husband now and has been for years and boy it seems like he really cares for you. You need someone to talk through things with it seems. Do it for yourself and before you know it you'll have been happily married for more years than he was ever with her. But find someone to talk to...

lunar1 Mon 20-Jan-14 21:58:16

Oh, I read it wrong then. I thought she had asked to look again. Please don't look at these pictures, they were taken years ago and are private. Hand the memory stick back.

Things I said and did with previous partners are private, the thought of parts of those experiences being seen in such detail and picked through would feel like such an invasion. My first boyfriend and I took some with a Polaroid camera when we were 17, after we broke up he gave me the ones he had and we burnt them all.

DownstairsMixUp Mon 20-Jan-14 22:12:47

Hi OP do you think because you view his ex as unattractive and he had quite a sex life with her that it I don't know, de-values what you have together because he can perform for someone who is what you view as "unattractive?" i could be well off the mark but I had an ex friend who ended up splitting up with her boyfriend because of his ex, i never saw the ex but the way my friend described her she made out like she was some monster and she felt like what they had was nothing as her ex had "no standards" yes it sounds like a nasty thing to think and it's not nice but if it IS that then i do suggest you go to a gp for counselling because if you keep questioning him/thinking about them photos you will drive HIM mad and yourself to.

Clearly this is his past and as you say, it was tucked away so probably forgotten about, you need to work on your own self esteem and it sounds like you are taking the right steps so far. Seriously smash the thing up with your dp, do it together if you want! and good luck!

DownstairsMixUp Mon 20-Jan-14 22:13:56

PS - you don't sound pathetic or ridiculous at all, i've had some real downers about myself before, I think most of us have! Keep us updated op!

Lazyjaney Tue 21-Jan-14 07:12:08

"He forced me to do things sexually and although I've briefly told my lovely dp I've never discussed it with anyone else"

That sounds like the root cause OP.

Neither your DP, The Card or the Ex is the problem.

THERhubarb Tue 21-Jan-14 11:54:17

Ok so you found some vile pictures.

I think those pictures have reminded you of the abuse you suffered at the hands of your ex. You were sexually abused and even though no-one is abused in those pics, you have put your now dp in the role of abuser, because you can't picture anyone consenting to such sexual practices?

I also think that you are looking for an excuse to drive your dp away. You feel you don't deserve him, that you should be punished for the way you are and therefore you need to throw him out and be miserable because being happy is not something you are comfortable with.

You desperately need some counselling - specialist counselling. You have a destructive streak and I think (I may be wrong) that it all boils down to your low self esteem and feeling that you should be punished.

Let's take the focus away from you for a little while and think of the children. They have grown used to having your dp, a decent bloke, in their lives. They put up with an abusive father figure, escaped that and now that life is back on track you want to take that away from them? Don't you see that you will just be perpetuating this vicious cycle? What will you say to them when they ask why you split up with him?

I think you need to deal with your abusive past. It's a bit like having post traumatic stress syndrome - you've been confronted with images that provide a stark reminder of the abuse you suffered. Unless you deal with that abuse head-on, this will happen again.

You need to explain this to your dp. Tell him that reason says, he is not to blame and this is just from his past, but that unfortunately your past is not reasonable and your emotions are all over the place because of what happened to you. He needs to understand what you are going through.

If you need time apart, it may help, but I urge you to see a specialist counsellor about your abusive past. You are in danger of throwing away your future and the happiness not just of yourself but your children too.

You have a long and difficult road ahead but it is so worth it if it brings you peace and means you can firmly shut the door on both yours and his past.

Needadvice5 Wed 22-Jan-14 16:51:06

Hi Rhubarb, thankyou for posting.

I think you're right, I do need some help, I've been "strong" for so long for my dc and can't do it any longer.

I'm like a bomb constantly waiting to explode, my dp has taken the last 2 days off to spend time with me, we've been on nice dog walks/meal etc. We've talked lots which has helped. I've told him about some of the violence that I've never discussed before, not even to the police.

He's been as supportiq as ever, he's concerned about my anger. We've talked about lots of incidents where I've "lost" it. I threw the kettle at the wall last week and he says he's on egg shells which is really bad.

so this thread has ended up being about me! But its made me realise I need some help to deal with the past.

Thanks xxxxx

THERhubarb Wed 22-Jan-14 16:59:02

I have anger issues too.

I used to self harm and break things (once broke a window) and tear my own clothes in pure rage.

Half of that was down to hormones and when I came off the pill, I felt like a different person but I also have to take responsibility for the fact that half of it is just who I am.

I had years of my stepdad knocking my confidence, making me feel shit, telling me I was a waste of space, etc. I thought I was unloveable and at times I do feel this urge to drive my dh away. I don't think I deserve him.

I know this is what I do and I have come to terms with it. I no longer take any form of hormonal contraception as that makes it worse. I haven't gone for counselling but then I don't think that I'm quite as bad as you seem to be. I realise when I'm trying to push him away and I am now able to stop myself, take myself out of that situation and come back when I'm calmer.

Your abusive past has made you very very angry and also very defensive and vulnerable. It's little wonder you have so much rage inside you. I urge you to see someone about this so that you can deal with that anger, find another outlet for it and accept that you are a loveable, generous and kind person whose dp finds her sexy and attractive. You need to love yourself again.

Best of luck. You deserve a great future x

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