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Too much of an age gap?

(133 Posts)
fluffyduckie Thu 16-Jan-14 19:04:17

So it isn't really an issue as it is just a crush but do you think a 20ish year age gap is too much?

LoisPuddingLane Thu 16-Jan-14 19:15:05

According to Joanie Collins, no.

TawdryTatou Thu 16-Jan-14 19:16:35

15 years between me and DP.

Not an issue. You have a relationship with a person, not a birth certificate.

something2say Thu 16-Jan-14 19:23:51

For me it would be yes. I will be 40 this year, so that either 20 or 60. I would prefer 60 to 20 definitely as I think going with someone that young reveals an issue. I am uncomfortable with age gaps like this because at either end of the spectrum lurk issues in my opinion. But we are each different and plenty of people wouldn't be bothered, I guess you have to decide for yourself.

Offred Thu 16-Jan-14 19:27:41

For me yes, agree with something2say, would think there were issues both sides.

fluffyduckie Thu 16-Jan-14 19:28:06

He is about 18ish years older than me and I have a crush on him (which is crazy as I don't know much about him!) and I don't think he knows that I am alive!

I am quite old fashioned and the age gap doesn't bother me. He really is lovely - quiet and sensible and you never hear anyone say anything bad about him.

I don't know if the age gap would make him less likely to notice me. sad

GingerPCatt Thu 16-Jan-14 19:28:55

My PILs have a 20 year gap. It us getting hard on MIL since FIL's health is going and she knows it's very likely that she will outlive him by 20 or so years. But they've been married (at least usually happy) for over 40 years

fluffyduckie Thu 16-Jan-14 20:14:46

I never really thought much about age gaps (just assumed I would end up with someone around my own age) until I met this man and his age doesn't bother me at all. I think my friends would comment and maybe my family and maybe the gap would bother him ...... or I am just invisible to him!

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 16-Jan-14 21:16:00

The worst thing about age-gaps IME is that the terms of reference can be all wrong. Being a bit of an old codger with an 'eighties' provenance I want to be able to watch an old rerun of Wham! on TV and not have to explain to my partner that.... no, I'm not kidding you, that really is the same George Michael from the Comic Relief sketches and, what do you mean, even with that hairdo we didn't twig he was gay?

fluffyduckie Thu 16-Jan-14 21:28:21

Hadn't thought about the terms of reference .... I am 28 and he is in his 40s but I am not sure if my own reference is true to my age.

Lweji Thu 16-Jan-14 21:36:42

Cog. grin

ALittleStranger Thu 16-Jan-14 21:43:12

For me, it would be too much. And I think there is such a narrow window where a 20 year old age gap could function. Too young and it's not going to work and there's a risk of a power imbalance, too old and the younger person becomes a carer.

nickymanchester Thu 16-Jan-14 21:46:25

My dh is 13 years older than me and we have generally had a very good relationship and have two lovely dcs.

One thing I would say is that I don't know how old you are currently and a lot of people change during their 20s. Certainly the person I was in my early 20s was very different to the person I was in my late 20s when I met my dh - he was in his early 40s at the time.

So, I certainly know that it can work, but long term success really depends on how likely you are to change in the future. If he's that much older than you then he probably won't change much in the future - so don't go thinking that you can change him at all - very unlikely to happen.

WipsGlitter Thu 16-Jan-14 21:46:31

One person I know has a husband 20 years older. He has a youthful outlook on life which I think helps. Another friends husband is 15/16 years older. They have young children which I think helps keep him on his toes!

AnyFucker Thu 16-Jan-14 21:48:03

whaaaaat

George Micheal is gay ?

Tell me it's not so

nickymanchester Thu 16-Jan-14 21:48:04

fluffy

Sorry that was a x post. I see that you are the same age I was when I met my dh.

All I can say is that it worked for us. And yes the difference in references is correct. Although we usually end up taking the mick out of each other about it.

oversomeniagara Thu 16-Jan-14 21:52:54

I've heard formula for determining whether an age gap is socially acceptable is half your age + 7.

WingDefence Thu 16-Jan-14 21:55:25

There's 16 years difference between me and DH and it's fine. He's young for his age (early 50s) in appearance and behaviour and I've always felt older than my years grin but we have young children (5 and 9 months) and I think that helps to keep him on his toes!

I get sad the most when I think of the years I never knew him ie in his 20s and 30s when I'd have loved to have grown up with him but I don't really think about the 'what ifs' of the future as we could have another 30-40 years together and even younger people are tragically widowed at relatively early ages.

Obviously I take the mick out of his love of 70s prog rock on a regular basis wink

TheTitleSaysItAllReally Thu 16-Jan-14 21:57:43

AF & Cog grin

over is that half the older partners age plus seven?

oversomeniagara Thu 16-Jan-14 21:59:06

That's to determine the youngest you can go without raising eyebrows. To find out oldest, just reverse it.

It is obviously highly scientific!

TheTitleSaysItAllReally Thu 16-Jan-14 22:00:31

Reverse it? Double it then take away seven?

Well there are 12 years between DH and I. There was 26 years between my mum and dad. They were together for 40 years and married for 34 years when my dad died. My dad was 54 when I was born. He was a brilliant dad.
Go for it. Life is too short too worry about this.

oversomeniagara Thu 16-Jan-14 22:02:27

Yeah...Sorry I'm v bad at explaining 'mathematical' stuff. You can look at this handy graph en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Half-age-plus-seven-relationship-rule.svg

neiljames77 Thu 16-Jan-14 22:03:42

Bruce Forsyth seems happy enough.

oversomeniagara Thu 16-Jan-14 22:03:45

(As in I'm shit at maths and get easily confused/ second guess myself, not to be patronising with offer of graph..)

AnyFucker Thu 16-Jan-14 22:05:12

I think you have to add your ages together, divide that by 2.3, add on your psychic number and sprinkle some fairy dust on

that'll tell ya what ya need to know

4PlusMum Thu 16-Jan-14 22:10:15

I'm 40, DH is just about to turn 60 and age is just not an issue. We have 2 small children and he is an amazing dad to them.

TheTitleSaysItAllReally Thu 16-Jan-14 22:14:11

Yeah. That makes more sense AF grin

I'm just curious I guess as I have a date tomorrow with a man who is twelve years older than me at 47. It feels a lot older than I've datwd before but in reality thats bunkum because its been ten years before now. The youngest I've gone is eight years younger but that wasn't exactly dating, more a one night wonder.

Isn't it funny what society deems acceptable or unacceptable.

AnyFucker Thu 16-Jan-14 22:19:33

total sense wine

LineRunner Thu 16-Jan-14 22:25:27

My beaux are always younger than me. What's the formula for that?

TheTitleSaysItAllReally Thu 16-Jan-14 22:26:10

Anyway it all makes sense now looking at over's graph (ish). My youngest is 25 and my oldest is 55. I'm not at all sure about that tbh. 25 feels very young and 55 is closer to my parents' age than my own.

I'm not bothered really it's just one of those curious things that makes you wonder when it is brought up.

MomentForLife Thu 16-Jan-14 22:33:58

It wouldn't bother me. I'm mid twenties and tend to fancy blokes who are late thirties/ in their fourties.

CazM2012 Thu 16-Jan-14 22:34:31

My OH is 23 years older than me, I am 23 he is 46, have been together almost 7 years since I was 16 and he was 39. We have 2 young children and are getting married in May. It has worked for us, most people ask if we are sure the ages are the right way round as he is a lot younger in the way he behaves. It is about every person individually!

MissPryde Thu 16-Jan-14 22:40:25

Go for it! 15 years difference between partner and I. It can come with challenges, but if it's right, it's right.

PurpleSprout Thu 16-Jan-14 23:02:45

There are considerations no doubt.

Barring tragedy, if you're DP is 20 years older, you will lose them earlier. You may end up caring in the prime of your life. He'll retire long before you (unless you're all loaded) etc. If he's divorced, he might not be interest ins a 'new family'.

Having said all that, my DP and I are the same age. I 'grew up' faster than him, although he on the surface is the sensible one. We're both still on the fence about kids and we're both hurtling towards our mid-30s. I think if he'd been 5 years older than me it might've been easier, but I do love the man. I guess I'm saying there may be advantages to not being the same age, but 20 years is a lot.

perplexedpirate Thu 16-Jan-14 23:14:12

I know a couple with a 33 year gap. They are enviably happy.
Go for it.

Sorcha1966 Thu 16-Jan-14 23:16:36

sorry but I think a 16 year old girl and a 39 year old man borders on child abuse.

oversomeniagara Thu 16-Jan-14 23:31:01

That's the beauty of the graph! It keeps everything proportionate to age and as you get older, the age gap can be wider.

But obviously, it's just something I heard on the internet and I found it interesting. Obviously each relationship is different and people should use their own judgement.

Mil is 61 and fil is 76 (15 yr gap)

Her life is shit. He has dementia and has been old before his time mentally for years. She's his carer. She is depressed and cries a lot. She accepts her lot in life but I'd not recommend a big age gap after seeing how mil lives now.

neiljames77 Fri 17-Jan-14 01:26:39

CazM2012 - http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vxIGQd-2L4E/UoVsCDJmeOI/AAAAAAAADp0/VsRJEk5oGrA/s1600/tommy.gif

fluffyduckie Fri 17-Jan-14 06:59:48

He really is a nice man but unfortunately I think he can do better than me .... He just doesn't notice me. I wonder if he sees me as too young. Oh it would be so much easier if I knew what he thought of me!!

perplexedpirate Fri 17-Jan-14 07:35:03

Why are you saying you're sorry Sorcha?
You obviously aren't or you wouldn't have said it. hmm

BohemianGirl Fri 17-Jan-14 07:40:37

Depends which way it is.

I have to say in my early 20's I never had a boyfriend under 46. Older men are just so much more, well, groomed, chivalrous, solvent, attentive, experienced. However, when I wanted to settle down, I reverted back to my own age group.

My STBXH is 22 years older than me and it is a consideration. He's very conscious of being so much older than DS's friends' parents, for example, and while I'm really getting into my career and looking forward to loads more years of it, he's winding down and looking forward to retiring. And when I married him, I definitely had to do so in full knowledge that I would probably end up caring for him at some point. I think the poster who said that the window during which the relationship works is relatively short may have been onto something.

And I must stress that our split is nothing to do with his age!

Beth9009 Fri 17-Jan-14 08:28:48

Fluffyduckie, I'm sure you're age wouln't put him off. Men don't care about that sort of thing in the way women do. They just go for whatever feels right, not what society says should be right. If he likes you, he likes you. If not, then not.

Don't be afraid to find out.

Beth9009 Fri 17-Jan-14 08:29:00

your*

neiljames77 Fri 17-Jan-14 08:46:24

fluffyduckie - you say he doesn't notice you and you think he could do better. I think if he knew you liked him, he'd notice you. He probably wouldn't believe his luck. Flattering for a bloke that you know.

saysa Fri 17-Jan-14 08:55:38

14 years between me and DP. As others have said, I think the actual number matters less than the 2 people involved, their stage in life and their hopes for the future. When I met DP, he had already done most of the things that I still have yet to do - getting a degree, climbing the career ladder, getting a house, marriage and babies - so for me the clincher was whether he would support me in achieving my aims and whether he wanted more children. As we are both of the same mindset about what we want for our future, I think it works.

There are the odd niggly thoughts about what will happen as DP gets older, about the possibility of having to care for him and of not being able to spend the last years of my life with my partner. But of course - anything can happen to anyone at anytime, and I would rather be with the love of my life now than give it up for fear of what the future may hold.

As it's just a crush at the moment I say go for it and at least find out if he feels the same. My family and friends were a bit averse to the whole thing in the early days, so perhaps be prepared for that, but as time has gone on they have seen how happy me and DP are.

GlitzAndGiggles Fri 17-Jan-14 09:02:30

DP is 9 years older than me so according to the graph we shouldn't be together. And I shouldn't date anyone aged 18 or under. Fuck the graph if you're happy with someone then so what? I'm 22 this year and would sooo date Robert Downey jr!

GlitzAndGiggles Fri 17-Jan-14 09:04:41

Sorcha 16 is the legal age of sexual consent so it's not child abuse. I doubt the parents would be too happy but it's not illegal!

Takingbackmonday Fri 17-Jan-14 09:10:06

There's 18 years between me and DP.

I'm 25, he's 43. I don't find it strange but then when I am a spritely 40 and he is nearly 60... hmm.

Does anyone think that age gap is a bit odd? Just interested...

HumOlive Fri 17-Jan-14 09:14:34

What 39 yr old man would be interested in a 16 yr old girl? It does seem a bit creepy.

GlitzAndGiggles Fri 17-Jan-14 09:21:13

HumOlive you'd be very surprised! I remember an older man probably in his 40s trying to chat me up on my way to school when I was 15. I screamed at him that I was on my way to school and he said he didn't mind!! shock

neiljames77 Fri 17-Jan-14 09:30:06

Takingbackmonday - it might be a problem in later life. When you're in your 40's getting ready for a night on the town, he'll be getting ready for a night on his electric blanket.

Meerka Fri 17-Jan-14 09:31:53

my husband and I are 13 years apart. The biggest thing I noticed was the experience gap. But then, he'd only just moved out of his mother's (some kids leave home very late if they're taking further education here) and I was his first relationship, + he hadn't travelled further than the nearby city.

we've overcome it but it wasn't easy.

the second problem is that I notice physically I am not up to his standards nowadays, but I'm not in good health anyway so that can probably be ignored if you're both fit and healthy. But longer term, you'd have to accept that the older one would loose the physical peak quicker than the younger.

neiljames77 Fri 17-Jan-14 09:38:00

Don't want to de-rail the thread or anything but how did Bill Wyman avoid getting into any trouble?

fiftyandfab Fri 17-Jan-14 10:05:17

neil cunning PR/damage limitation, Mandy's money grabbing mother and a handsome divorce settlement when it all went belly tits up! The Elvis/Priscilla story wasn't much different either!

Brittapie Fri 17-Jan-14 10:37:24

My new bf is 13 years older, XH is 10 years older. I like someone who has experience they can share grin - I don't want to be the one "teaching" the other, and I definitely don't want to be the one with the most sexual partners, which, er, narrows it down a bit grin

I went on a few dates with men my age recently, and they were nice, but... I dunno. Maybe they were just the wrong men.

I found the biggest thing age wise with XH was that he kind of "gave up" a bit - he was happy to spend our nights "off" in the local pub, whereas I wanted to go into town and do interesting things - not clubbing, but actual things as opposed to talking about football. But then he spent most of his evenings in the pub anyway <bitter ex wife> He also had a habit of being really patronising, but again I think that was more personality than age.

New bf is nearer in age to my mum than me, and I am nearer in age to his SON. Which is a bit weird, but our age gap is about as far as we can go at our ages and it not be bad and wrong based on the half age plus seven rule.

Overtiredmum Fri 17-Jan-14 10:55:36

This is a really interesting thread!

Can I reverse it though, in terms of what if the older person is the woman with a man 20 years younger? grin

neiljames77 Fri 17-Jan-14 11:29:53

When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I only ever wanted women who were about fortyish. Most of them just brushed me off as if I was a kid though. When I finally got one, I thought she'd teach me a thing or two but she didn't.

BoozyBoots Fri 17-Jan-14 12:53:20

I'm 29 & my husband is 46, although you would think it's the other way round. 46 more like 16! I find myself saying things like "don't you think you should get off xbox so dd can have a turn" or "please share the nerf gun/scooter/remote control car, i think the kids would like a go"
I love it & am pretty sure he'll always be like this. I'll be 60 years old chasing a 76 year old man round the supermarket while he tries to use the trolley as a surfboard, god help me!

Twinklestein Fri 17-Jan-14 13:25:19

Bill Wyman - because it was the 80s and people just didn't think it was that wrong.

Solo Fri 17-Jan-14 13:31:05

My lady neighbours Dh is 21 years younger than her. She was widowed young, met her Dh and they got together. They have been very happily married for 43 years. He looks a bit older, she looks younger. Lovely couple. The only thing is that now she is very ill and it really is only a matter of time and he will, I know, be heartbroken.

Stellaface Fri 17-Jan-14 13:36:00

For me there are only two potential issues (that I can think of atm).

First, do you want children and when, how old would you both be and how might that impact family life.

Second, is the younger partner prepared to care for the older when they get to the age where that's needed?

I have a friend who has just turned 30 and is in a relationship (3yrs) with a chap of 57. She is concerned about kids and care. She doesn't want to leave having kids too much later both as even now he'd be a dad to a toddler at 60, and potentially dying of plain old age when the child is in their teens. She equally doesn't want to have to decide between caring for him in his dotage, which she would do, and her career - she could have to give up work in her 40s, care for him for a few years and then find herself alone with no career in her early 60s.

However, they are very much in love and very compatible so they are working round these issues, so for me, it would be a matter of weighing up the value of the relationship vs the cost of the issues, and for them it is clearly worth it.

Overtiredmum Fri 17-Jan-14 14:00:28

I think that is the point though, I think it is society which frowns more on age gaps, rather than those actually considering being/or is currently in a good solid relationship where there is an age gap.

Age gaps do not bother me in the slightest, it is more about the individuals involved rather than the number of years.

fluffyduckie Fri 17-Jan-14 19:12:14

neiljames77 you say he doesn't notice you and you think he could do better. I think if he knew you liked him, he'd notice you. He probably wouldn't believe his luck. Flattering for a bloke that you know.

Really?

He really is just a nice man. He is quiet though and I am shy so I don't know how it would move on at all.

dozeydoris Fri 17-Jan-14 19:17:00

I am 61, eek would hate a DP of 81, and when I am 66, (not that over the hill) they would be 86 eeeeek. Def a nono for me.

TawdryTatou Fri 17-Jan-14 19:39:34

I think the whole 'I don't know what it will be like when I'm a sprightly 40 and he's a 60 year old codger ' thing is a bit of a red herring.

It's easy to think ahead in terms of numbers - forgetting that there is a person attached to those numbers, and years of shared history.

I'm nearly 40, and my beloved dp is 55. He's funny, cool, smart and sexy - even at the grand old age of 55!

To be frank, a boring old fart will be a boring old fart at 21, 41 and 61 my stbxh for example

Whereas a man who is interested in you, life and the world around him is likely to remain so.

As far as ending up as a carer goes - well, that could happen at any age. There were days between my grandparents, and poor grandad ended up looking after my grandma and their two dds for years after she developed a serious heart condition - eventually losing her when they were both 36hmm

There are no guarantees. Carpe diem!

nickymanchester Fri 17-Jan-14 21:09:36

fluffy

I just saw a post you made on another thread. I hope you don't mind me mentioning it here.

If you are really so embarrassingly shy around this guy, why don't you ask your friend to mention something to him while she is at work?

Or do you not want your friend to know about this either?

If you can get your friend to say something - I know this sounds a bit like in school ''my friend likes you'' - but, seriously, just get your friend to drop some hints that you quite like him, but are too embarrassed to say anything, and see where it goes.

If he is quite shy as well, then the knowledge that you fancy him should make it a lot easier for him to say something if he is interested.

Either that, or if he doesn't then I can't imagine how your friend will be able to resist playing matchmaker.

TheVictorian Fri 17-Jan-14 21:17:47

One point of view with age gaps is it depends on whether its a relationship or more of a fling. As with the rise of the cougar woman some times the woman can be in her late 50's early 60's and the guy is late 20's.

fortyplus Fri 17-Jan-14 21:20:30

A friend of mine had a long and happy marriage with a guy 28 years older - he was far less mature than her when they met when she was 16!

fluffyduckie Sat 18-Jan-14 11:56:26

My friend does know so she could maybe drop some hints. I don't want him to be embarrassed though and she isn't very subtle. It would just be awful if she told him and he was horrified!

The love of my life is 18 years older than me. When we finally got together we both knew it just wasn't going to work.
I live 200 miles from him now and when I go home or he visits it's brilliant...but a relationship wouldn't have worked.

normalishdude Sat 18-Jan-14 13:26:05

age means NOTHING. It's compatibility that counts... best of luck!

TwoNoisyBoys Sat 18-Jan-14 15:11:24

TawdryTatou, fab post! My dp is 14 years older than me, and is the funniest, loveliest, kindest, cleverest, sexiest man I've ever known......and I'm sure I'd feel the same if I was the same age as him! Of course there are considerations, but these issues aren't limited to age gap relationships. If you're happy together, that's really all that matters. My ExH was one year older but we had NOTHING in common....it's all about the individuals and the compatibility. The women I work with have partners 8, 10, 12 and 14 years older, and are all very happy.....as us the other one who's husband is 5 years younger! Happiness is hard to find, so just grab it regardless of age smile

MaeWestfield Sat 18-Jan-14 15:14:43

wouldn't like it myself. had to end a relationship with a man 11 years older. Try as I did, and as nice as he was, he felt too old for me.

That calculation, half age plus seven is a load of horse shit invented by men who want a formula that makes it ok for a 70 year old to date a woman my age!! yak.

MaeWestfield Sat 18-Jan-14 15:20:16

for me, and for my friends, a good test is, if the age gap were reversed, would you feel embarrassed. If so, it's too much. At 42 I guess the youngest man I could imagine dating would be about 34, so therefore, I wouldn't really be open to dating a man older than 50. That seems about right to me. I am single! but then, I'd just rather be single than date somebody too old for me, but if somebody else my age wanted to date a 60 year old, I wouldn't judge. Certainly wouldn't be envious or feel I was missing out though!

And as for little sound bites like '"age doesn't matter, it's compatibility that counts", why then are men so rarely compatible with women twice their age minus seven???

nkf Sat 18-Jan-14 15:22:22

For me yes. I'd feel uncomfortable either way.

nkf Sat 18-Jan-14 15:33:36

All these, "he's fifty but he acts like a big kid" type posts are not very inspiring. Old codger is one thing, but old codger who acts like a little boy is really off putting.

MaeWestfield Sat 18-Jan-14 15:38:38

I agree, can't think of anything worse. Body of an old man, behaves like a young lad.

Em, no thanks.

Timetoask Sat 18-Jan-14 15:43:54

When the younger person is in their 20s, 30s and the older person is in their 40s, 50s it doesn't matter too much (provided the older person is "young" at heart), but it does start to matter when they get older and older.
You need to think long term really.

TawdryTatou Sat 18-Jan-14 16:12:17

There are some really insulting posts on this thread.

'Body of an old codger'?

Lovely.

nkf Sat 18-Jan-14 16:16:37

I think of "codger" as quite an endearing word. I'd certainly describe myself as one.

MrsMot Sat 18-Jan-14 16:20:40

Hmm well my 'old codger' 60 yo dh runs about 30km a week and could probably put a lot your dhs to shame in terms of his fitness and build.

He's 20 years older than me, we have 4 dcs from 6-14.

Yes there are things I like which he doesn't have a clue about and vice versa. So what? I'd say that probably happens in most relationships.

A lot of stupid assumptions and stereotypes on this thread.

MaeWestfield Sat 18-Jan-14 16:26:16

Well, if you're insulted that's your own issue. A 70 year old would be so hideously unattractive to me but according to that "formula" it would be ok confused

If you want to go out with men much much older, then get on with it! But don't be insulted that other people correctly observe that a 70 year old is physically older than a 40 year old. fgs!

You weren't just "correctly observing" the age difference - you were insulting the whole dynamic of their relationship - something very personal and all-encompassing.

"Hideously unattractive" as a description of something that means so much to someone is extremely rude.

TawdryTatou Sat 18-Jan-14 19:08:15

I'm not too fussed - am absolutely delighted with my 'old codger' who is built like a brick shithouse and goes like a shed door on a windy night

MaeWestfield Sat 18-Jan-14 19:14:14

Reading back, in my first post, I just said it wasn't for me etc, and then some other people said that they were offended and then I stupidly responded to that . So if you're offended by the fact that older men (and by that I mean 15+ ) are not for everybody then you're looking to be offended. It can't really be a surprise that much older men aren't for everybody. Do I have to apologise for not finding men significantly older than I am attractive? I'm not trashing them as human beings, just saying that that big an age gap isn't a sexual / romantic thing in my book. But other people can do what they like and I said that to begin with

Men certainly never have to apologise for not dating / considering / being attracted to women 15 years older than they are!

fluffyduckie Sat 18-Jan-14 20:00:31

MaeWestfield - I wouldn't go out with someone that much younger than me - would be illegal!

If anything my references would be older than his ..... am a bit old fashioned in my tastes.

fortyplus Sun 19-Jan-14 09:20:45

I'm 52 and am far more fit and sporty than a lot of the 20-somethings in my office. I know fit, muscular men in their mid 60's and fat slobs in their 30's. It isn't all about age. Having said that, I've been internet dating lately and haven't fancied anyone older than late 50's. Have had a lot of interest from fit blokes in their 20's and 30's though!

91chloejp Sun 19-Jan-14 11:06:20

Honestly, I can't date a man who's more than 6 years older than I am. As bad as this sounds, I'd hate to be a carer - say I'm 40 and he's 67 and ill. I'd really hate my life.

fluffyduckie Sun 19-Jan-14 13:21:43

Going to have to pluck up the courage and talk to him - hopefully will see him next week when there isn't a huge queue! And hopefully he will want to talk to me. And hopefully I won't make a fool of myself!

neiljames77 Sun 19-Jan-14 22:37:56

fluffyduckie - why not just go up to him and say, "If I was to ask you out for a drink, would you say yes or no?" If he says no, then say, "Well I won't ask then."

lovelynannytobe Sun 19-Jan-14 23:17:54

neiljames77 that's a good one.
fluffyduckie - I'm married to a guy 21 years older than me. We've been married for 13 years and have 3 children. We are happy. I was 20 when we met and I liked his maturity and stability. I never really looked around for anybody my age.
Pluck up the courage and go for it. Worst that can happen is he may say no and nothing will change. You've nothing to lose.

LineRunner Sun 19-Jan-14 23:45:27

neiljames, I do like that.

Apatite1 Mon 20-Jan-14 15:06:18

The only reason I wouldn't be with a man 20 years older is that they would be very likely to die before me, and I'd spend a long time as a widow. Statistically speaking, as women live longer than men and we have a history of longevity in my family. I often worry that my husband who is 3 years older will kick the bucket years before me!

CuChullain Mon 20-Jan-14 16:01:02

A few of my mates (late 30s/early 40s) on occasion seemed to only date late teens early 20s girls. I found it quite creepy and a bit pathetic to be honest. I always wondered what they hell they talked about when alone as there just seemed to be gulf in maturity and experience. If I was a parent of some 18/19 year old daughter and found out that she was dating a 40something bloke I would be very very suspicious of his motives or at the least think that he somehow had trouble communicating and maintaining a relationship with people his own age.

neiljames77 Mon 20-Jan-14 16:02:08

LineRunner - it saves her pride being wounded too much if he says no. Plus it'll leave him thinking, "have I just been asked out or blown out?"

fluffyduckie Mon 20-Jan-14 21:05:31

Oh I don't think I would be brave enough to say that!!

Am going to figure out the flirting thing and then will have to manage to be in the shop when he is and when there isn't a queue!

I just have no idea if he has even noticed me at all. Are there any signs that I should look out for?

neiljames77 Mon 20-Jan-14 21:55:34

He might feel cheeky expecting someone your age to like him.
If you try the flirting, you have to be fairly confident in case he makes a flirty remark and expects one back. Or did you have in mind something like dropping a pencil and seeing if he checks out your bum when you pick it up?

pinkflaming0 Mon 20-Jan-14 22:28:10

In the vast majority of instances quoted of larger age gaps in relationships the man is the older partner. Any examples of successful relationships where the woman is 10+ years older than her man?

fluffyduckie Tue 21-Jan-14 07:10:26

Dropping a pencil sounds like a carry on film! Oh I am going to be so rubbish at flirting.

I don't know if he is the flirty type - he is quiet - either that or he has just never flirted with me!

MaeveWest Tue 21-Jan-14 08:50:26

Joan collins?

pinkflaming0 Tue 21-Jan-14 08:52:14

I was hoping for something a bit more 'real life' than Joanie!smile

neiljames77 Tue 21-Jan-14 14:58:26

It's a pity it's in the workplace really and you can't have a drink to give yourself a bit more cheek.
What kind of shop do you work in?

MaeveWest Tue 21-Jan-14 15:18:37

well, my friend's husband is four years younger than she is and they're very happy. That's about the biggest age gap (in that direction) that I can think of - that has worked over 20 years....

I think men can tell if you like them or not. Can't they? confused

neiljames77 Tue 21-Jan-14 15:22:40

My brother's wife is about 12 years older than him and they have been together over 20 years. It's probably not a good example though because they don't like each other.

notso Tue 21-Jan-14 15:32:10

Two of my Mums friends are in their 60's and have husbands in their 80's Both are pretty miserable and are caring for elderly parents as well as an elderly husband.

neiljames77 Tue 21-Jan-14 15:43:05

MaeveWest - you'd be surprised at how many men have no idea and have to have it spelt out. I'm the worst offender. Totally clueless.

fluffyduckie Tue 21-Jan-14 16:55:05

We don't work together - he is my friend's boss. I don't think I have any cheek!

I don't know how he hasn't guessed as I blush and get so nervous when I talk to him. Always seem to say something daft and make a fool of myself! Surprised he hasn't picked up on it unless he has and just isn't interested.

neiljames77 Tue 21-Jan-14 17:15:54

Can't your friend just say to him, "what do you think of fluffyduckie?"
If the feedback is good, then she can say, "she'd really like to go out for a drink with you".(then next time he comes in the shop, drop a pencil on the floor smile )

MaeveWest Tue 21-Jan-14 18:55:10

Thats why that book by greg somebody (american) is a load of manure. He reckons in his infinite wisdom that women can never do the chasing. And not even chasing so much as just...... making it clear that they like the man. He seems to expect women to wait to b chosen pretty much. Well that has not worked for me 0_o
I have noticed somebody at work too. I almost go out of my way not to flirt if i like somebody tho. I wish there was a way to test somebody, like ask them a favour..... not foolproof though as some people cant sau no and like to b liked

MaeveWest Tue 21-Jan-14 18:56:30

He's just not that in to you. That's the book. A lit of it made sense but it was all a bit passive from a woman sitting around waiting for something to happen's perspective

MaeveWest Tue 21-Jan-14 18:57:34

Im going to knock a stapler off my desk tomorrow

fluffyduckie Tue 21-Jan-14 19:12:26

I am going to mention it to my friend when she is back from holiday. She isn't really approving though as she thinks he is kind of boring!

Oh I would really prefer not to do the chasing at all! But I think that with him being older and quiet nothing would happen. I would really rather not be the one who asks ......

MaeveWest Tue 21-Jan-14 19:18:57

Yeh two people who dont chase equals no pasa nada .
Im going to have to be a bit more proactive myaelf in the future. The thing is some people can shrug off being blown off. Id have to emigrate.

fluffyduckie Tue 21-Jan-14 19:24:13

grin Yep! If I actually dared to ask him out and he looked horrified and said no ..... well I think I would have to consider becoming a nun. or at least changing my shopping habits

Maybe him not chasing is just a sign that he isn't interested in me. I mean if he was attracted to me wouldn't he say something or at least hint at it .... it isn't as though I am scary!

neiljames77 Tue 21-Jan-14 20:10:54

You'll never know unless you at least make an effort Duckie

Maeve, I know it's against everything health and safety tell us but when you pick the stapler up, don't bend your knees. It'd also help if you looked back over your shoulder and gave him a cheeky grin. You could even bite the nail on your little finger at the same time if you really want to go for it.

MaeveWest Tue 21-Jan-14 20:57:36

ha ha, they might send me on a manual handling course!

nickymanchester Tue 21-Jan-14 21:04:25

I think men can tell if you like them or not. Can't they? confused

Generally not. At least from my experience and that of my friends.

A lot of men, I've found, unless you are really blatantly obvious are generally not that switched on to any sort of signals.

Of course there are also plenty of men that also miss any obvious ''I'm not interested'' signals and try to chat you up even when you think that you're making it clear that you're not interested.

MaeveWest Tue 21-Jan-14 21:05:15

just read the bit about biting the nail on my little finger, omg, I'd be talk of the office if I did that, not in a good way, I'd have to ring in sick, with a case of shame, and psychiatric evaluation.

Fluffy, are there any women out there who just put it on the line like that, spell it out, I like you do you like me smile and then afterwards, shrug off the humiliation?! who are these people?

nickymanchester Tue 21-Jan-14 21:08:22

I would really rather not be the one who asks ......

But getting your friend to let him know that you're definitely interested isn't actually asking.

You're just letting him know that if he were to ask then you would say definitely yes.

I think you'll find that a lot of men are just as nervous of rejection as we are.

nickymanchester Tue 21-Jan-14 21:10:35

MaeveWest

are there any women out there who just put it on the line like that, spell it out, I like you do you like me

I know that it sounds just like being in school but, as I said several pages back, get a friend to say it for you.

neiljames77 Tue 21-Jan-14 21:39:22

Some blokes are scared of rejection. One of my mates doesn't care at all. I asked him if he made a move on 100 women and 99 turned him down but number 100 said yes, would he consider it a good night? He said he would. I said after the 2nd knockback, I'd go home a broken man.

MaeveWest Tue 21-Jan-14 21:55:59

Just reading some articles on line!

if a man does a shoulder shrug and then rolls his shoulders forward and puts his head to one side while he smiles at you, chances are he likes you.

hmm, I don't think the man in my office is interested, but I think the man in the sandwich shop might like me confused

If 99 men knocked me back I'd be so depressed... I'd need therapy, not romance!

neiljames77 Tue 21-Jan-14 22:04:22

That man you describe Maeve sounds like he's break dancing. What does it mean if he does a moonwalk?

JoyceDivision Tue 21-Jan-14 22:04:34

ooh, please comeback and let us know if your friend speaks to him and tell us how it goes!

Dh is 14 year older than me, he looked young for his age when we met, after marrying me he has aged rapidly grin

He is calm, intelligent, considerate, humourous... I would like to say all I havegoing for me is my trophy wife good looks but since I look like a scruff I don't even have that... there were differences wghen we met and there are now, but a lot of friends have said despite those we've aleays seemed well matched..

MaeveWest Tue 21-Jan-14 22:07:49

yeh I'm not sure I understand what a shrug followed by a forward roll is. confused A demonstration would have been nice.

My eyes will be out on sticks tomorrow.

YankeeMum8 Tue 21-Jan-14 23:14:20

Not necessarily. I have family members where female spouse is in her 80's and male spouse is in his 60's. He takes very good care of her...only downfall is sex. He needs it, she doesn't or can't (medical issues). But when he was 30 and she was 50 it was no problem whatsoever. They have been married 35 years. I must say though one does end playing nursemaid, though that can happen at any age. If they really love each other it can be worked through.

fluffyduckie Wed 22-Jan-14 07:07:07

Will update!

Hope I bump into him today while I am feeling brave! grin

Although I hope that 1) he can tell I am flirting and 2) that I can tell if he is interested.

Tydna Wed 22-Jan-14 11:54:11

My mums best friend married a man 20 years older than herself. My mum said it was all wonderfully glamorous when he wooed her in the 1970s.
He had a flash sports car and a luxuriant moustache. Apparently she was the envy of all her friends. My mum doesn't think they would be quite so envious these days as she is more his carer than his wife.
It's one of my mums repertoire of "warning stories" that she tells to my teenage dds.

Takingbackmonday Thu 30-Jan-14 14:01:31

Shite - The formula says I'm too young! Should I leave grin ?

purplebaubles Thu 30-Jan-14 14:12:29

DH is 14 yrs younger than me. We have two children. Blissfully happy.

TBH, in my situation, I would find it odd being married to someone 20 yrs older, as that's my parent's age! (so would feel creepy to me)

But I fully accept that some 40yrs olds would find my situation creepy!

Each to their own I say. We were both at the same life stage when we got got together (and I had no 'baggage' which helped enormously, we're doing things together for the first time)

I think it does help though that DH looks old for his age (early 30's), I look young (early 30's) so we do not look odd together iykwim. Most ppl are totally unaware that there is such an age gap. Although I do have a number of friends who are married to much older men, and then yes, the age gap is noticeable! (e g friend's husband is 60, his son is older than my husband!!!)

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