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Is he out of order or am I too clingy?

(89 Posts)
Gladys71 Tue 14-Jan-14 10:19:22

I'm totally fed up with my relationship. My partner never wants to do anything with me, would rather spend hours playing battlefield whilst I sit in the living room alone then spend any time with me. I feel like he's just using me to help him pay the mortgage and as someone to travel with. Whenever I bring up marriage he shuts down, says his last one was traumatic and he can't think about that for years (I do however have suspicions that this is simply him financially protecting himself) and despite how many times I've asked him to name me on the mortgage and him saying he will sort it out he still hasn't after a year of living here and me paying half of it saying its "awkward" and would cost us money we could spend on other things.
He went away with work Monday morning to return this evening. Sunday night we'd arranged to watch a movie together - it got to 9pm and he finally drags himself off battlefield and says we might not have time for the movie now as he still hasn't sorted anything out for his trip. He'd had ALL DAY (I was at work all day and kids at their dads, he had the house to himself!). Like I say he'd rather play on battlefield. He begrudgingly comes to watch the movie half hour later and it turned out to have tons of marriage references in it. It just upsets me, he won't even talk about it. So anyway he says he'll call me from his hotel room last night. It got to 11.30pm so I sent him a text saying "take it I'm not getting this phone all then? Goodnight anyway" no reply but I could see he'd read it. I couldn't sleep and it is out of character for him to ignore a text so I called him, no reply. I sent another text saying "are you ignoring me or what? At least let me know you're ok" (as I said, out of character) and still no reply.
Am I just a mug or what? To add insult to injury I stumbled across a load of pics and videos of his ex wife on the computer last night, even a video of her walking around topless. I feel like I'm flogging a dead horse.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-Jan-14 10:24:17

Life's far too short to spend it with someone that doesn't care if you exist or not. He has no intention of marriage, no plans to put you on the mortgage, happy to take your money in the meantime and moon over his exW. How insulting. This horse is no more. It has ceased to be, It's expired & gone to meet its maker. A stiff. Bereft of life.... Put your whip away and give it a decent burial.

brusslesprout Tue 14-Jan-14 10:25:21

How old is he? I'm a bit wary of guys who play computer games all day as it screams immaturity to me.

Doesn't sound as if he is very committed to you with regards to the mortgage. Do you ever do things together as a couple?

Offred Tue 14-Jan-14 10:25:53

I think you are flogging a dead horse. There is no way I'd be paying for a mortgage on a house that wasn't mine without marriage. If he wants you to pay for his house he needs to put you on the mortgage.

However, realistically it sounds as though he is using you and has little respect for you. I can't see what you get out of this relationship at all and I think you should chalk the mortgage payments up to experience and move out ASAP.

Kewcumber Tue 14-Jan-14 10:28:08

You feel like you're flogging a dead horse because you are.

Why do you bother? Surely having no-one is better than someone who makes you feel irrelevant.

Helltotheno Tue 14-Jan-14 10:28:15

Yes in the nicest possible way, you're a mug. Run like hell and don't look back....

AngelaDaviesHair Tue 14-Jan-14 10:29:21

He's completely detached from you and very unkind.

'Am I flogging a dead horse' is not quite the right question, to me. 'Any reason I should stick around?' would be better. Can you think of any reasons, OP? Because I think you deserve better than this.

Gladys71 Tue 14-Jan-14 10:30:10

I feel like giving him an ultimatum. I want to be on the mortgage by the end of February and engaged by the end of the year - alternatively I feel like I should have to force the issue. If he wanted it like he should - he'd do something about it himself.

From "forcing" him to watch movies with me to "forcing" him to come out with me to "forcing" him into marriage ... Bollocks to that, I'm worth more, I know I am

Gladys71 Tue 14-Jan-14 10:31:05

Shouldn't have to force the issue I meant

Offred Tue 14-Jan-14 10:35:02

I think giving him an ultimatum is only going to be humiliating for you tbh.

I would take control of your own life and simply sack him off. I don't think he really cares about you very much, either that or he's stonkingly self absorbed and incapable of providing the care necessary to maintain a relationship. He sounds still hung up on his ex. Staying any longer is not advisable and giving him an ultimatum will not work.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-Jan-14 10:36:20

A good relationship isn't characterised by ultimatums and arm-twisting tactics. 'Ask me to marry you or else... ' Just how secure would you feel after that kind of start? hmm All you get from being on the mortgage btw is a lingering liability for the outstanding debt long after you've moved out. I could be wrong but I don't think it confers ownership

Gladys71 Tue 14-Jan-14 10:37:34

See another thing, in all the time we've been together I don't think he's ever bought me anything. I'm not one for expecting lavish gifts but he's on good money, good responsible job and I can't recall one thing he's ever bought me just because. He got me a £5 orchid from asda after me nagging for it for weeks and at christmas I asked for a onsie, the one I wanted was from next for £25. He ordered me one from ebay instead and I can't wear it because the material causes a rash. Why not just get me the one I asked for? Am I not worth £25?
Then it cuts me to the bone when I see this pictures of his ex with a huge sparkly engagement ring and necklaces etc he'd bought her - he even bought her a bloody horse yet says I can't have a dog!!

Offred Tue 14-Jan-14 10:37:42

If you're reaching the point of ultimatums the relationship is pretty damaged/dead but they will only ever have an effect where the person actually cares about losing you.

I think this is looking at it the wrong way, he's not making you happy or fulfilling your needs so why exactly do you want to keep him so much that you'd get drawn into texts battles about phone calls and ultimatums about mortgages and marriage?

I wouldn't give an ultimatum. What if he says yeah sure, we'll be engaged by the end of the year -- then you spend the whole year waiting to see if it actually happens. Fuck that.

He knows well enough you want to get married but he doesn't want to. He knows you want to spend time with him but he doesn't bother. I'm sorry but I don't think he can truly care about you and still act this way.

Gladys71 Tue 14-Jan-14 10:40:01

No I agree, if he asked me to marry him after an ultimatum I'd spend the marriage thinking/knowing he never really wanted it. Then of course if he ever cheats he can throw it at me that he never wanted marriage in the first place

Kewcumber Tue 14-Jan-14 10:40:27

You want to be on the mortgage and tied to him!? shock

Seriously?!

I've been through break ups - I know how bad they can be and how much you don't want to accept that its over. But you know this behaviour isn;t going to change if you are on teh mortgage and/or married to him, don;t you? Surely you do really.

If he caves under pressure, in 5 years years time you'll be back on here saying "I have two small children and my DH couldn't be less interested in me, I don't think he loves me at all and I doubt her ever did"

In your position I would be saying to him "I'm sorry this relationship isn't working for me any more I'm going to leave and rent on my own". And start again with a new partner who actually like you and want to be with you.

teaandthorazine Tue 14-Jan-14 10:41:52

Why do you want to marry this man?

Offred Tue 14-Jan-14 10:42:12

Exactly, but you are still making this all about him. Does that betray the state of your relationship more generally? Is everything all about him because essentially he doesn't particularly care about you and you care about/for him?

You need to be thinking more about you?

What is he giving to you and your life?

Do you want to be with someone like him forever?

Are there any signs at all that this man loves you?

Any?

I think you should keep your dignity and move on.

It is nice for him though, have a live in cleaner and cook, who pays his mortgage for him. Thats what you are. Sorry.

xxMrsCxx Tue 14-Jan-14 10:45:47

I would get out BEFORE he finally decides to marry you .... Will be a whole lot harder to walk away then! Run and keep running I would say, he doesn't deserve you x

bdbfan Tue 14-Jan-14 10:45:52

Why would you want to marry him? He sounds like an arse. get out now, you deserve someone who wants to be in a partnership with you; who adores you and who will go to the ends of the earth to make you happy. This is not that guy.

curlew Tue 14-Jan-14 10:46:54

Why do you want to marry him?

Gladys71 Tue 14-Jan-14 10:49:03

I suppose I want him to ask me to marry him because I want to know he genuinely loves me that much. I love him and I feel like a total bloody mug because I know deep down the love is not mutual, despite what he says. Anyone can say "I love you" but it's the actions you look for isn't it

AngelaDaviesHair Tue 14-Jan-14 10:50:33

Gladys, hand on heart, do you really think this mean, grudging man is the best you can do? Do you honestly think this is the best relationship you can get?

What do you get out of this so called relationship now?.

Why have you paid half towards a mortgage that is not even yours?.

Why do you value your own self so low that you have put up with this from him for so long?. You are to him nothing more than a housekeeper.

I feel for you. It's really hard to leave. I know because I flogged a dead horse for over two years and issued ultimate after ultimatum. Looking back, I wish I hadn't done that. It only ended after I found out he was leadinga double life

Seriously, life is too short to waste it on an arsehole who treats you badly. Just leave him because he isn't making you happy. You could have a very happy future ahead of you.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up to think that any of his sub standard treatment of you now is at all acceptable?. This is not love at all yet you state that you love him. Do you really know what a loving relationship is, it is certainly not that frankly piss poor model of one.

And you feel like a total mug not wrongly either. He has taken you for a fool.

He is an immature guy, who, basically is probably just not that into you.

You nag him and send clingy texts.

Better not to marry! Try to turn things around and have some fun together!!!

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-Jan-14 10:55:03

"Anyone can say "I love you""

One of the most casually misused phrases in the English language. Sorry this is not working out for you and expect you're stalling because you've made a lot of upheaval to move in with him. You mentioned kids so do they see him as a permanent fixture? Are you worried about disrupting them?

Its also not down to you solely to try and turn things around. He gets what he wants out of this and he is patently not at all interested in making any changes to his lifestyle as it is now.

Given a choice between you and Battlefield as well I think he would choose Battlefield.

ChippingInWadesIn Tue 14-Jan-14 10:56:47

Gladys - I am going to slap you around the chops with a wet fish. What the HELL are you playing at??? He doesn't love you (enough), he doesn't care about you (enough) - why the actual fuck are you hanging around??? Get out before you end up having kids with this selfish twat. Take your own children and GO. You do not want to be tied into a mortgage with this fool. You have been there a year... you will be in this exact situation or worse in another year, another 5, another 10. If he is acting like this in the 'honeymoon' period there really is no hope. Get out and get your own life and in time you will meet someone worthy of your (and your kids) love and attention who will give you the same back. You know the love isn't mutual... what are you doing? Seriously - what are you doing? You cannot make him love you!!

Grrrr.

I know it wont be easy to move with the kids & 'stuff' but fgs - you owe yourself and them MUCH more than this fuck muppet.

stickysausages Tue 14-Jan-14 10:57:04

I'm sorry you're hurting, but I think you know the answer here.

Get out, and find the relationship you deserve with a real grown up, not this man child.

ChippingInWadesIn Tue 14-Jan-14 10:58:25

You cannot turn this around. He doesn't want to 'turn this around'. He is 'telling' you who he is - LISTEN.

curlew Tue 14-Jan-14 10:58:25

I'm afraid you don't have to love someone to ask them to marry you. Particularly if you know that asking will make them carry on paying half their mortgage and doing their housework.

Forget absolutely about marriage- focus on the mortgage. If you're not going to leave him, you have to be hard nosed. Tell him today that you are not going to pay any more unless your name's on the mortgage. In fact, do it now. Then come and tell us what he says.

BuzzardBird Tue 14-Jan-14 10:58:51

Gladys is the kindest possible way...you are a bit slow on the uptake aren't you?

You have had a unaminous reply saying you are 'flogging a dead un' am 'living with a manchild', 'he is still in love with his ex', 'using you to help pay his bills' etc and you are still thinking of ways to get that 'prize' to marry you!

It is time to cut your losses and find someone who deserves you and doesn't have children's toys for company.

twofingerstoGideon Tue 14-Jan-14 11:00:34

I want to be on the mortgage by the end of February and engaged by the end of the year
Why? Personally, I think you should run a mile from this immature twat.

Kewcumber Tue 14-Jan-14 11:00:58

What about him/this relationship do you love?

The bit where he doesn't want to spend time with you
The bit where he doesn't want to spend any money on you

He must have hidden depths because I don't see what is so lovable. Think about what it is about him that you love then try to decide seriously whether its real or in your head.

Don't feel a mug for paying half the mortgage because its probably no more more than you'd have paid in a house share and lets be honest that's what this is.

gamerchick Tue 14-Jan-14 11:04:31

Be honest are you hanging on in this unsatisfactory relationship because you're in competition with his ex? You want him to 'choose' you? You're on a hiding to nothing if you are.

You deserve more.. walk away man.

MillyRules Tue 14-Jan-14 11:05:18

Are these new pictures of his ex? Maybe he didnt answer your call because he was with someone else......ex maybe. Sorry all sounds suspicious if it's out of character.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-Jan-14 11:05:20

I once took an instant dislike to some knobber I met that 'joked' he fancied a WIFE.... 'And you know what WIFE stands for?' he said with a big fat grin on his face... 'Washing Ironing Fucking Etc'. Add 'paying the mortgage' and he could be this bloke.

OddFodd Tue 14-Jan-14 11:08:56

What Kewcumber said. Why do you 'love him'? Why do you want to marry him?

I feel like he's just using me to help him pay the mortgage and as someone to travel with.

That's exactly what he's doing. Are you really so scared of being on your own? sad

ShoeSmacking Tue 14-Jan-14 11:12:49

For a start, be clear that you don't want to be on the mortgage - you want to be on the title deeds for the house! Mortgage is just committing to debt, does not mean you own the house.

I am with everyone else. What do you actually get out of this relationship? As a rule, I'm not a fan of cries of LTB when all we've got to go on is a few lines of a post on an anonymous internet forum, but surely there's more to life than this? What are your minimum requirements for a relationship? For me, a call or text at the end of the day, some time spent together, mutual respect all seem pretty standard. But you have to decide for yourself. Right now, you don't seem to be getting your needs met at all.

How much of the mortgage do you pay? Half? in which case, yes, you are a mug. It's in his name, so you may contribute as rent, but why pay half?

SuzanneUK Tue 14-Jan-14 11:13:13

From what you say, this relationship seems almost non-existent. Having said that, however, only you know whether you're happier with him than you would be if you were free, single and looking for someone else.

On the purely financial side, are you better off paying half the mortgage and living where you are or would you be better off moving out and using your current half-mortgage payment to rent another home?

SchoolyardShizz Tue 14-Jan-14 11:18:13

I would never give someone an ultimatum to marry me. They either want to or they don't. Sounds like he's lost all interest. I would walk away and stop ploughing money into his mortgage

RockinHippy Tue 14-Jan-14 11:24:50

I don't care what you say, but I'm sorry but you are no more in love with this damaged man child than he is with you.

You are BOTH damaged people flogging out your self loathing on each other - you punish yourself every day you stay with this man, it is not love but an addiction, one that from what you write doesn't seem to actually have any highs anymore - did it ever ??

He is damaged, bitter & broken from his marriage breakdown & punishes YOU everyday for that, because you are there, you let him.

YOU let him because deep down, due to whatever childhood or other issue you feel you deserve no better, so you continue to " flog that dead horse" because in reality you flog yourself.

Sorry to be so blunt but you really can do so much, you DESERVE so much better, but you need to believe that at a much deeper level not to just keep on repeating this same pattern of behaviour with the next loser.

You both need counselling to address the deeper issues at play, only then can you truly pick up the pieces & move forward in a truly healthy way - I suspect it won't be with this man, as he sounds so stuck in his man child ways that everyone else will be to blame. If you have any ultimatums to make, this is the one I suggest you start with - he goes to counselling & then maybe once good foundations are laid, you can think about couples counselling - but don't hold your breath, he doesn't sound thevsortvto take real responsibility for anything.

YOU on the other CAN move forward from this, you can also get yourself to a place where you don't fall into this trap again - THEN you will find someone who truly loves & respects you - because you love yourself enough not to accept this crap.

flowers

Gladys71 Tue 14-Jan-14 11:27:52

They weren't new pictures of the ex but even so, can you imagine his reaction if he came across videos of me zooming in and out of my ex's crotch? And photos of us cuddled up together looking all cozy and happy? I bet he still has his wedding ring squirreled away somewhere too.

It has crossed my mind that he could have been with someone else last night, he's up in Scotland (I know that to be true) but it's so out of character for him not to at least respond to a text or phone call that it does make me wonder.

ScrambledSmegs Tue 14-Jan-14 11:29:36

Oh Gladys sad. You can do better than this guy, you really can. You aren't getting anything out of this relationship, except a severe kicking to your self-esteem.

stickysausages Tue 14-Jan-14 11:29:49

I'd be gone before he gets back tbh

peggyundercrackers Tue 14-Jan-14 11:41:14

why do you want so desparately to be married? also not sure i understand how anyone can get upset during a film because of references to marriage... from reading your OP and subsequent posts all I can see is you saying you want xx, you want xx, you want xx etc... what does he want? relationships are a partnership - its not all about what 1 person wants.

i can understand his reluctance to put you on his mortgage/deeds if you have only been living together for a year - I certainly wouldnt put myself in that position... from his point of view no doubt hes thinking he has been fleeced divorced once and is still paying for that then someone hes been living with for a year can potentially walk away with half his house if it all goes down the pan in a few months.

from the sounds of it you are both moving at different speeds in the relationship and i get the impression hes not as keen as you.

Leviticus Tue 14-Jan-14 11:50:53

Honestly? It sounds as though you are convenient for him but that he doesn't really love you.

You ARE worth more and you will have more if you finish this and move on.

Best of luck.

MillyRules Tue 14-Jan-14 11:51:40

The ignoring your texts and phone calls is the biggest red flag here to me. If he is with someone else then that may explain all his other behaviour.

Offred Tue 14-Jan-14 12:05:58

He sounds more and more like a prize each time you post!

The kind of knobber who'd zoom in and out on my privates whilst filming me is the kind of knobber who'd be out on his ear quicker than he could say "tits"... Not sure why you'd want someone who treats women like they're in a carry on film?

You say he'd be angry if he found similar on your computer? This is concerning given he doesn't actually show you any love or care at all, from your other posts.

What is the relationship actually like? You've mentioned he is inconsiderate, distant and tight. How does he speak to you? What's his general attitude to women like?

OddFodd Tue 14-Jan-14 12:07:33

HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU. MOVE OUT

Apologies for shouting but you don't appear to be reading the thread

kotinka Tue 14-Jan-14 12:13:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fiftyandfab Tue 14-Jan-14 12:14:37

I'm seconding every single response you've had here OP. Jeez, I'd feel degraded to give head space to these thoughts (sorry) let alone writing them down sad

Joysmum Tue 14-Jan-14 12:15:16

You're flogging a dead horse if you can't even get him to talk.

It's only natural for people to carry baggage from previous history but when the find the right person, the only hope is to work through that baggage together rather than try to forget it. If he doesn't want to try to do that then there's not a lot of hope I'm afraid.

Tbh Id pack my bags today and be gone by the end of it.

Ignore all calls and dobt tell hin where you have gone.

BirdersWife Tue 14-Jan-14 12:31:36

IF you want to stay with him (and that's a very big IF) it's not the mortgage you need to be on it's the house title. The mortgage makes you liable for all of the debt on the house (not just half) without giving you any ownership interest.

It may be financially difficult to transfer you onto the house title especially if he is locked into a mortgage on favourable terms which you couldn't get now. The lender could use the title change to force you to remortgage with a higher interest rate.

He sounds like a complete pillock by the way and he won't get better if he marries you.

fiftyandfab Tue 14-Jan-14 12:34:13

Ignore all calls and dobt tell hin where you have gone.

Might be good advice IF he bothered to call you. Do him a favour and put a card in the newsagent's window advertising for the next lodger.

Sorry OP....it's loud and clear hmm

Grumpasaurus Tue 14-Jan-14 12:35:11

Definitely, definately, definitely leave. You deserve better. Leave him to pay his mortgage along and play battlefield to his heart's content. Find a real man!

Trofast Tue 14-Jan-14 12:47:09

You don't love him. You really don't. You don't love yourself much either so focus on that and start by leaving him with a sneer and flourish and don't look back.

How on earth did you get to the point where you are this self-loathing and desperate? Was the father of your DC violent, so you have picked a man who ignores you and exploits you financially as that's preferable to one who beats you up? Were you brought up by people who peddle woman-hating religion so that you believe that any man in your life is better than not having one?

You needto get out of this relationship and then look into some counselling or therapy so that you don't move straight in with another dickhead - because, unless you sort yourself out, you will go from this arsehole to one who is a substance abuser, a self-hating closet gay, a serial fanny rat or a crook, because your boundaries and ideas of relationships are so fucked up.

You don't have to live like this and nor do your DC.

firesidechat Tue 14-Jan-14 13:21:49

Leaving aside all the other things that are wrong with this relationship, I am curious about why there are so few comments about the OP being on the mortgage/ deeds. Do you think that after a year of moving in with a partner everyone should have a share of the house because that is surely what it means?

The OP's partner has behaved badly in many ways, but I can't see what he has done wrong here. If this was a woman saying that her partner had lived with her for a year and wanted to go on the mortgage I would be very interested in the responses.

Offred Tue 14-Jan-14 13:23:58

Fireside - not so much the length of time together but I would not be paying for my bf to buy himself a house. If he doesn't want to share the title then he should pay for his own mortgage.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-Jan-14 13:28:33

@firesidechat. As he is expecting the OP to pay not just a share of the bills but a share of the mortgage, and as the context here is a 'forever' arrangement with marriage being mentioned etc, I don't think she's being unreasonable for wanting some security.

firesidechat Tue 14-Jan-14 13:35:11

I know it isn't quite the same in a relationship, but isn't paying a share of the household costs a bit like paying rent? I've never lived with anyone apart from my husband, and we married first, so I've no first hand experience of how this sort of thing works. I'm not being difficult, just curious.

In this case at least there seems to be a huge difference of attitude between the OP and her partner. I'm not sure if this relationship has a future just because of that.

firesidechat Tue 14-Jan-14 13:37:11

Also, is there really talk of marriage? There is from the OP, but I suspect not so much from her partner. Hence why she is so desperate.

Twinklestein Tue 14-Jan-14 13:38:25

It sounds as if he may be trying to end the relationship anyway OP - by behaving badly enough that you call it a day.

Kewcumber Tue 14-Jan-14 13:41:19

It sounds as if he may be trying to end the relationship anyway OP - by behaving badly enough that you call it a day.

Amen to that - it reeks of it doesn't it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-Jan-14 13:41:21

You're quite right. I think the OP has made a lot of wrong assumptions about the nature of the relationship, not least the marriage aspect, but she has kids, thought the partnership is permanent and I can understand why she'd want to have some kind of certainty about the roof over their heads. Not that being on the mortgage achieves that, of course.

Offred Tue 14-Jan-14 13:45:12

Potentially, if someone pays some of the mortgage whilst living in your home then they can take you to court and claim a share in the house so if you own a house and have a partner move in and you don't want them to have a claim then you should ensure they never pay money towards the mortgage (splitting bills is separate).

It's expensive to assert the right in court so people generally don't do it but the general principle with partners rather than lodgers is that you're not renting them a room, they are your partner and can expect a share unless you make it clear you have not agreed to this if they are paying. Getting put on the deeds or getting married makes it easier and cheaper for people to assert their rights but there are still claims for people living as a partner.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 14-Jan-14 13:49:50

OP why woud you want to coerce / force someone to marry you? That sounds like a surefire route to misery to me

Gladys71 Tue 14-Jan-14 14:22:47

I've still not heard from him. This is so out of character I'm having to stop myself from texting to ask if he's ok. I won't but it's in the back of my head that something might have happened to him, that's how out of character it is. Don't get me wrong, he often promises phonecalls and doesn't call but he ALWAYS texts the next morning with some bullshit excuse but this time, literally nothing.

Anyway, that aside I've suggested ending the relationship numerous times and he always says he doesn't want to. I've given him so many opportunities to end it.

The thing is, before we moved in together he was all "yeah I'd definitely get married again!" and "the house will always be in both our names" and then when talking about couples who spend a lot of time apart he would say he couldn't understand relationships like that etc. I feel like I've moved in with a different bloke.

Offred Tue 14-Jan-14 14:26:07

You don't need his agreement to end it.

I think it is obvious it is doing you no good staying together.

He sounds confusing, can understand why you're confused but it really isn't doing you any good and you'd be so much better apart.

shey02 Tue 14-Jan-14 14:55:02

You sound like a loving person, with alot to give to someone. I think you can do better than him though. smile

Kewcumber Tue 14-Jan-14 14:58:29

I've suggested ending the relationship numerous times and he always says he doesn't want to

Of course he doesn't - why would he bother. Breaking up sounds like way more effort than any effort he's putting into your relationship. He's not going to end it because it suits him just fine the way it is.

If he's not replying then its way more likely that he's mentally moved on than thats there's anything wrong. Sorry I've been where you are and its as clear as day. I've even broken up and been persuaded back by the protestations of "I really think I'm nearly ready to commit now". What a big fat waste of 2 years that turned out to be.

What on earth do your childrne think of this non-relationship that they are living with, or does he not have much to do with them either?

Years ago I worried myself sick when my live in boyfriend stayed out till the early hours without phoning and conjured up all kinds of accidents that he may have had. He eventually returned on the defensive with some BS excuse and made me out to be in the wrong for being concerned.

It was only years later with hindsight that I realised he was probably out with some OW as money was being drained out of our joint account at the same time. I was blind to it because it was not the way I'd behave and gave him a trust he did not deserve.

OP you sound like you are also being blindsided by this excuse for a man. I'd forget any notion of marrying him, get your own place with the children and focus on them and yourself - he is not doing you any good and that is not good for your children either. If he didn't want to commit and put you on the title deeds he should have been honest about that and not led you up the garden path - which he has!

plainjanine Tue 14-Jan-14 16:02:13

as Offred said - I would not be paying for my bf to buy himself a house.

This is totally what he's doing. Go and see a solicitor who specialises in property side of break-ups and get a free half hour consultation. Knowledge is power!

Kewcumber Tue 14-Jan-14 16:17:25

There is a legal argument that you have some claim on thehouse if you have been contributing to the mortgage but the value may well be lower than the cost of the legal fees to fight it.

kotinka Tue 14-Jan-14 17:06:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gladys71 Tue 14-Jan-14 17:22:52

It got to 3.30 and I was genuinely getting worried (I know I'm a dickhead) so I text to ask what time he was home. He replied "about 6.30, don't do me any tea I'll sort myself out later". So he hasn't lost his phone, he hasn't broken it, it hasn't ran out of battery and he hasn't been in any kind of accident leaving the only other possibility - he's just being a twat. Glad we cleared that one up. I have a feeling he's going to break up with me when he gets back anyway (and if he doesn't, I will). Had a quick look at rentals today, will look properly tomorrow. Wonder if I'll get back the £2k I lent him to secure the house in the first place, doubt it somehow

Kewcumber Tue 14-Jan-14 17:26:43

tell him you either want your £2000 back or you will sue him for a share of the equity in the house - providing the deposit and paying the mortgage sounds a lot like a financial interest to me. He would be wiser just to stump up the cash.

stop paying into his mortgage and save up to deposit. Can you prove you paid him 2k for mortgage?

Nanny0gg Tue 14-Jan-14 17:30:57

Glad we cleared that one up. I have a feeling he's going to break up with me when he gets back anyway (and if he doesn't, I will).

Why give him the opportunity?

And get your money back.

Strokethefurrywall Tue 14-Jan-14 17:55:09

Gladys my love, it's time to reach into your pants and grab your big hairy woman balls.

Do NOT give this waster any opportunity to end it with you. YOU take control of YOUR life, and your kids' lives, and prove to THEM and YOURSELF that you can do better than this opportunistic parasite.

Pack your things, leave (can you find someone to stay with? I'd offer you my house if I didn't live 4000 miles away...) and draft a nice little note to stick to the hallway mirror (assuming there is on):

"Dear fuckwit - I'm afraid it's not working. I just don't fancy you enough. It's not me. It's you.
I expect the 2000 pounds that I loaned you as a deposit on the property in my account by x date or I will have my lawyers get in touch directly about securing my equity in the house that I have already paid for.

Yours ever so unfaithfully
Gladys"

... or something like that.

RockinHippy Tue 14-Jan-14 18:03:53

gladys

My DHs ex put £1000 towards the deposit for a house she shared with DH when they were together, her name wasnt on the deeds because she had debts & it would have worked agaist them getting the mortgage.

They had been together longer, but renting, she lived in that house for 3 months before running off with the guy that DH later found out she was already having an affair with. In that 3 months she didn't pay another penny, excuse every month as to why she couldn't afford it & DH accepted it as he knew she was dreadful with money & he was already helping her sort out her debts, with her blaming the state of her finances on depression & other such sob stories (not saying depression is, but it was used this time)

She left DH - house prices rocketed & nearly a year later she thought she'd try her luck - she had a good solicitor & walked away with over £10,000 profit on her £1000 investment.

She was a bitch for doing so, as she milked DH for years before that too, but you are not & the system that meant she had a financial investment in the property will apply to you too - see a solicitor ASAP

Good luck

kotinka Tue 14-Jan-14 18:20:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JainaProudmoore Tue 14-Jan-14 18:20:10

What Strokethefurrywall said grin

You should not waste a minute more of your time with this man child OP!

FluffyJumper Tue 14-Jan-14 19:20:54

So glad to hear you're ending it.

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