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Cheating .... should she know ?

(105 Posts)
smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 15:42:55

New here so please be gentle

I recently started a casual relationship with a really fun guy - it was a good friendship as well as the rest.... However I found out he is married !

We are not longer together, for me he betrayed my friendship and broke the fragile trust I had in guys.

Anyway my question is do I tell his wife ? I know with certainty he has seen women before me and within a week was seeing someone else. I also found out he is bi and seeks to meet guys with his new woman for bi fun 3sums.

He has 2 children and from what I can gather his home life is good - this is all about the thrill for him.

Can I have your thoughts please ? I am feeling partly pee'd because of his lies to me, I feel guilty even though I didnt know and I feel annoyed he can just move on to another without a thought ...

Rosencrantz Mon 13-Jan-14 15:46:12

Had a recent dilemma myself, but I only got involved because the woman being hurt is my friend.

I wasn't sleeping with the guy, but I witnessed him with the ow. I gave the guy an ultimatum - one week to tell her, or I would. He told her.

Not sure I could be arsed if I wasn't protecting a friend though and didn't know the situation.

Do you know anything about the woman? Is there a chance she knows he strays and she lets him? Not your business in that situation.

Such a tricky one. Don't envy you OP.

smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 16:06:57

I suppose there is a chance she knows and is ignoring but doubtful. She sounds like a very strong, calm person who is very much used to him working odd hrs with his job he is used to lying.

I spoke to him once I knew and he has done this a number of times and is very confident !
I know its spiteful and would hurt her and children but I almost want to show him he is not the superman he thinks, he is just being so disrespectful to his family and all the other women he doesn't tell the truth too

Chattymummyhere Mon 13-Jan-14 16:11:43

I would tell her, at the end of the day he is risking a lot of people's sexual health, you don't mention how old anyone is but don't let her waste maybe some of her best years with a wast of space thinking everything is perfect.

Leavenheath Mon 13-Jan-14 16:15:22

How would you go about telling her, if you did?

Got the courage to speak to her personally?

Or would you be thinking of doing it remotely or worse still, anonymously?

That matters to the advice I'd give you on this.

smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 16:16:06

He is 40 children 10&12

If and only if i do decide to tell her how do i do it ? She doesnt know me and approaching a stranger would be awkward at best.

He has basically said any threat to his marriage would be biggest regret of my life

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 13-Jan-14 16:18:51

No. Don't tell her. You'll get it in the neck rather than him and he'll have some plausible excuse or just make out you were lying. If he does this kind of thing regularly, she may even know about it and be past caring. Score one to experience and move on.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 13-Jan-14 16:19:48

"biggest regret of my life"

Hang on... is he saying that if you threaten his marriage, you'll regret it? (A threat.) Or he'll regret it?

Joysmum Mon 13-Jan-14 16:22:08

Tell her, this isn't about you, or him, it's about ensuring she knows and can make her own choices for what she wants in life. I'd quite happily come across as being the bearer if bad news if it empowered somebody else. I'd want to know and I believe in treating others how I'd wanted to be treated myself.

smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 16:22:08

He was saying it to, in that it would be biggest regret of my life.

He is more than confident, passed being cocky. Having all these women is almost normal and he sees that it would be wrong of me to challenge or end it

smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 16:23:26

Joysmum - that's my thought. When my ex cheated I was told by a woman I barely knew. Best thing she did

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 13-Jan-14 16:24:40

So do you feel threatened by him? Is he in a position to make your life unpleasant? Has he shown any aggressive tendencies?

fiftyandfab Mon 13-Jan-14 16:25:47

No no no no. You can not tell her. Why hurt her when she has done nothing to you? She could, of course know, and turn a blind eye. You don't know their circumstances so you just have to accept you have been taken for a mug (sorry) and move on. It is not your role to play judge and jury on behalf of his family.

Retain some dignity. Your friendship was not that good if you didn't know he was married.

smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 16:27:01

I don't know to be honest. He doesn't know where I live, I am single so nothing he could say / do harm reputation with work etc.

I am naturally very guarded and now I know he is married explains why he wasn't fussed about knowing more.

smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 16:29:14

Fiftyandfab - I see what your saying and that's why I posted a question. I am very much everyone should always know the truth, but I can see not everyone wants to know

Leavenheath Mon 13-Jan-14 16:35:55

I really hate it on threads like this when posters try to put the responsibility for some poor cuckold's hurt onto the messenger, not the one who is screwing around.

If you're going to do this, do it personally so that she can ask questions and can see your evidence if necessary. If she already knows, she can choose to do nothing about it just as if she doesn't know, it's always an option for her to do nothing. Don't ^assume one way or the other. Give her the facts and let her make her mind up.

But if you won't speak to her personally, do nothing.

CosyTeaBags Mon 13-Jan-14 16:39:58

I would walk away from it all to be honest. Yes she deserves to know, yes he's an arse - but none of that is your problem.

If, from the sounds of it, he has made a threat against you if you dare tell his wife, why risk bringing the hassle, and continued involvement with him that would involve into your life.

Walk away, chalk it down to experience - and I bet, one day in the long run, you'll hear on the grapevine that he got caught out.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 13-Jan-14 16:41:30

It's not the responsibility of the OP either way - that's the whole point. Tell. Don't tell. She owes neither person in this little drama anything.

smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 16:44:43

OK Leavenheath that is something to think about. It would be painful and embarrassing to face her but I would if that would be the best way.
Though finding a way to get her alone would be difficult... Something to think about

smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 16:48:42

CosyTeaBags - the threat makes me more want to tell. I have never been told what to do in a relationship. I think he is used to ruling his other women.

Cognito - You are right I owe neither anything but I hate the injustice of it

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 13-Jan-14 16:56:57

It's not just at all. I get it that you're indignant and want him to suffer. I even get that you want his DW (and DCs?) to be exposed to what a sheister he is and have chance of a better life. But the number of times I've seen threads saying ... 'it wasn't darling DH's fault, the OW relentlessly pursued him!' etc it's a huge personal risk.

Joysmum Mon 13-Jan-14 16:58:39

I think that's it in a nutshell, it's an injustice.

No, this isn't your responsibility but I do think that the old adage of treating others how you'd wish to he treated yourself is a good one to live by.

If this cunt is a serial adulterer and the wife doesn't know, he'll continue to do this and how many more years will she have wasted if her life being devoted to this bastard.

Now put yourself in that situation, how would you feel if your partner had been cheating on you got years and you didn't know which then denied you the opportunity to get out and find someone who would love you the way you deserve to be loved.

I'd far rather have someone pissed off with me than deny someone the information and therefore living a lie. We only get one life, why should this poor woman not have a good one? If she already knows, then what's the worst that could happen?

I couldn't sit in info like that, it's not fair.

smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 17:01:16

I know, I know ... I hate this. I would rather never have known. But I have done 'research' and have proof of him being on a site where guys meets and on a swingers site with new woman. And he told wife he was working Friday night when he had arranged a 3sum with a bit guy

GimmeDaBoobehz Mon 13-Jan-14 17:01:57

I personally would tell her.

Think about the risk to her sexual health if he is going about sleeping with a load of people.

If she knows fair enough that's up to her if she's willing to put up with it but if she doesn't whether she believes you or not, I would be pretty sure she'd get a check just in case.

But at the end of the day it's up to you.

I know if it was my partner I would walk to know for the above reason.

CosyTeaBags Mon 13-Jan-14 17:02:58

I agree it's a difficult one.

If you do feel that you have to tell her, then just do it as sympathetically as possible. I'm not sure I'd be brave enough to meet her in person, but could you get a letter / email to her with all the relevant detail on. What I mean is, dont drip feed her with snippets of info, but just lay it all out in one go together with your contact details. And be prepared for her to contact you.

Alternatively, is there anyone else you could talk to, such as a friend of hers who can help break it to her?

It's not ideal, but my advice would be that whatever you choose to do - try to do it with the utmost respect and compassion for this poor woman.

smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 17:03:56

How ever do I approach this woman and start unravelling her world in front of her ?

Rosencrantz Mon 13-Jan-14 17:10:51

After reading your other posts OP, I'd be telling her just to knock the bloke down a peg. Does sound like the type to talk himself out of it though - bet the wife knows already on some level.

smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 17:10:57

I have no desire to hurt anymore than he is. If I do this I want to be able to give her print outs so she has physical evidence because he will try and wriggle and then leave it up to her

smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 17:12:38

He needs it. I dare say he will wriggle out of it, he is so confident and can lie without blinking

Rosencrantz Mon 13-Jan-14 17:18:01

Then do it OP. I would. Tell her.

Jaffacakesallround Mon 13-Jan-14 17:18:24

Revenge is never a good thing. You're hurt, feel duped and want to get your own back.

Don't. It will be his word against yours. And even with 'evidence' she might blame you.

Bunny boilers - not nice.

Lj8893 Mon 13-Jan-14 17:20:18

I would tell her but be prepared for some backlash.

When I was younger I met a guy and we shared a few kisses and a couple of dates, I was then told by a mutaal friend that he had a long term girlfriend. I asked him and he admitted that yes he did but wasent happy etc etc. I knocked it on the head but he kept on trying it on everytime I saw him out and about.
One evening he was out with his gf who must have noticed something was up as she came and asked me if I knew her bf, I decided that was her chance to find out the truth.
They stayed together for a while untill he did it again and she seeked me out to apologise for not listening to me, he decided to tell her I was a psycho and obsessed with him and I was lying. She is one of my closest friends now!!

meditrina Mon 13-Jan-14 17:23:54

"We are not longer together, for me he betrayed my friendship and broke the fragile trust I had in guys."

Does this mean that initially you did not know he was married?

Jaffacakesallround Mon 13-Jan-14 17:24:05

Op- how do you know that she doesn't know already?

How do you know they don't have a reciprocal arrangement?

Why do you want to be the messenger of (possibly) devastating news which may break up a family.

Just to make yourself feel good, eh?

Get your own back?

That's what you have said- that he walks away 'free' while you are hurt.

All it shows is that you are still hurt and still emotionally involved.

Far better to leave them to it, cut your losses and move on.

CosyTeaBags Mon 13-Jan-14 17:27:17

Whether he wriggles out of it or not is not your concern - If you tell his wife, and give her the evidence as you suggest, than you will have done everything that you can.

How they deal with it then is up to them, and it's probably best that you don't know, as it might piss you off if he does wriggle out of it.

Do you know anything about this woman? How she might react? Do you even know how to contact her?

I feel for you OP, it's a horrible situation for you. You've done nothing wrong, I just hope you don't become the focus for the wife's anger.

smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 17:29:15

Meditrina - no, didn't know at start. Had a feeling after a little while. He told me eventually

Jaffa - he wouldnt have threatened me if she knew
Yes i suppose i want to get my own back, being lied to is a v big thing for me

smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 17:30:39

Cosy - I know where she lives and works but no telephone number.

meditrina Mon 13-Jan-14 17:30:50

If the motive is revenge, then I do not think it would be wise to tell.

If your personal philosophy is that people should know the truth about important things in their lives, then it's rather different.

If there is going to be hurt to the W, it arises from the actions of her H. I suppose you have to think whether you would want to know if you were in her shoes. Different people reach different conclusions on that one.

Grumpasaurus Mon 13-Jan-14 17:32:25

I think you have to tell her. I would want someone to tell me, however painful!!!

Jaffacakesallround Mon 13-Jan-14 17:33:40

It would be more mature to walk away.

Being lied to is not nice- but it happens in life. Just deal with it and don't be a Bunny Boiler.

smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 17:33:59

First thought is I would want to know. As prev said I was told before, didn't appreciate at the time but better to know ugly truth than ignorancpt bliss

Revenge is a by product

Rosencrantz Mon 13-Jan-14 17:36:36

Throwing a phrase like bunny boiler around is quite provocative. She's not jealous is she?

More on the personal philosophy point someone made. Is it in your personal philosophy to not let men go around feeling entitled and abusing the trust of women, leading to an over inflated ego? It's not in mine.

CosyTeaBags Mon 13-Jan-14 17:37:05

I would be careful to stick to the hard facts though OP. Tell her about your relationship with him, but avoid speculating about what he might be up to online unless you have physical proof that it was him.

I'd still be inclined to do nothing if I were you - perhaps sit on it for a few days and see how you feel. As a few people have said, revenge isn't the best motive.

smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 17:42:29

I am not jjealous. I don't want to be anyone's second fiddle. Nice guy when I thought he was single but whole different side I never knew.

I have proof with photos of his online stuff.

Not doing anything today just thinking out loud on here and gathering thoughts

Rosencrantz Mon 13-Jan-14 17:44:04

For what it's worth OP, i don't think you are jealous. Just obvious annoyed and trying to get your head around the situation and what to do next.

Bunny boiler doesn't sit correctly for me in this situation - so don't worry at all.

fiftyandfab Mon 13-Jan-14 17:45:01

I once had an anonymous message giving me some information about my now ex. It wasn't earth shattering (could have been, had I not already known), was something in the past, before I was on the scene.

I was furious with the 'messenger' for trying to destroy my life (and his) by imparting this information (personally addressed to me) which I was already in possession of. It didn't cause any issues between me and the ex. Nor did it take much detective work to find out who the messenger was and, because she had breached a position of professional trust, I reported her and she lost her job. So it backfired on her in a big way...and her family were horrified that that she'd done such a spiteful thing....only one loser in that scenario OP.

Leavenheath Mon 13-Jan-14 17:45:17

Ah, these threads always follow a familiar script. There's always someone who throws in the misogynist 'bunnyboiler' term. It won't be too long now before someone tells you to stop being bitter and angry wink.

It's fine to be angry about the way this bloke treated you. And it's fine to want revenge too. As long as you have no expectations of what this woman does with the info and are willing to answer her questions, go right ahead if you think it's the right thing to do.

Do bear in mind that on these threads, a lot of the people who say 'don't tell' are projecting about their own secrets. Plus a lot of people have real difficulty giving women permission to be angry, so they call them names instead.

My only caveat ever on these threads is that you do it personally and accept that person has the right to do nothing with the info.

Rosencrantz Mon 13-Jan-14 17:47:15

Completely agree Leavenheath. Bunny boiler is awful, so anti women.

Women are allowed to be angry after being mistreated and lied to. It doesn't make them deranged.

smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 17:52:58

Fiftyandfab thank you - this is nothing to do with work and there are no breach in trust issues.
I have actually spoken to my family about this, mom thinks keep out of it, my dad and sister both think she should know and are happy tp drive me there if i want. All will support me.

Leavenheath and Rosencratz - thank you. I dont mind admitting it smarts being used. I deserve better

fiftyandfab Mon 13-Jan-14 17:58:27

You are right to be hurt and angry OP, so would I be. But spreading the misery will be on your conscience. Won't it? You will ultimately do what you feel is right by all. My point was that it might have ruined my life....the messenger never considered me or my reaction at all. How could she? She didn't know me.

Rosencrantz Mon 13-Jan-14 18:02:42

OP isn't spreading misery, the husband in this situation is.

fiftyandfab Mon 13-Jan-14 18:07:11

I agree that the husband is ultimately causing potential misery Rosen. As I said earlier, I simply don't believe it's the OP's role to act as judge and jury on behalf of his family. Karma is a bitch...I would leave it to her to give him his just desserts (which I'm sure will happen in the fullness of time).

Rosencrantz Mon 13-Jan-14 18:08:05

Not sure I believe in karma.

CosyTeaBags Mon 13-Jan-14 18:08:26

The thing is Fifty your situation was a bit different, because that person was telling you something about your DP that was in the past, and was presumably was intended to cause upset, but wasn't a deal breaker for you.

OP is aware of something that this man is doing at the moment, which presumably his wife doesn't know about because he threatened OP not to tell her.

For what it's worth - the only reason I suggested to OP that she shouldn't tell was to protect herself from any fallout, and to remove her involvement from this situation. I most certainly wasn't projecting.

Good to hear that you will have the support of your family if you do go ahead with this OP.

fiftyandfab Mon 13-Jan-14 18:09:52

Karma has no conscience. Decent human beings do.

I'd tell her. I've been the wife and I would not have shot the messenger. Far from it. I'd have been grateful.

Leavenheath Mon 13-Jan-14 18:12:47

Neither do I and it seems to be yet another of those vague and nebulous things that women get fobbed off with all the time. Have we had be the better person yet? That command usually gets an outing on these threads grin. The OP hasn't got the power to act as 'judge and jury'. All she is considering doing is passing on information which the woman can choose to action or not.

CosyTeaBags Mon 13-Jan-14 18:14:08

Another way to look at this OP.

Think about yourself. And yourself only for a moment.

If you choose to tell the wife, then that means you will worry about it until you do the deed. You will have to face a very difficult confrontation which you have no idea how it will go. You may have to face fallout from that. You will almost certainly feel upset before, during and possibly after it. Your involvement in this horrible situation will continue for some time to come. On the plus side, you might feel a bit of relief at helping her out... but it's not a given. Basically, you will open up a shit storm, and you cannot predict the fallout.

If you choose not to tell the wife, your involvement in this saga is already over. You have no more dealings with this man and his shitty life. He can't upset you any more. On the negative side, you might feel some anguish for the wife, and you won't get your revenge.

I still think, from a purely selfish point of view where your own wellbeing is first and foremost - not telling would serve you better.

smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 18:26:00

Oh dear so many thoughts.

Cosy - i really appreciate you makingnme consider the fallout. I am usually and rush in and think later person.

Fiftyandfab - are you not judging me now agter telling me i have no right to ?

I am going to sit on these thoughts for a couple of days. My gut is saying tell her and get it done. My head is saying wait and think.
I will see if he tries to talk to me and justify it or warn me off again. If he contacts me I will tell

fiftyandfab Mon 13-Jan-14 18:32:03

Am not judging you at all OP, not my style, just offering my opinion. Which you solicited. I wouldn't tell as I wouldn't want the potential fallout on my conscience. I'd be hurt and angry yes. But I wouldn't cast myself in the role of messenger.

Incidentally, why would he try and talk to you/contact you? I thought it was over?

Jaffacakesallround Mon 13-Jan-14 18:34:53

I think it's s bit rich insinuating on these threads ( as always) that anyone who says 'don't tell' is projecting their own situation or experiences. It's such a cheap, snide comment and is no more relevant than saying all betrayed women come on here and project their experiences.

Why is it that someone is not allowed to have an opinion without it being a case of 'projecting' ( and unless you are a qualified therapist you should not bandy words like that around.)

I used Bunny Boiler in the loosest sense- a woman seeking revenge. You don't have to take it so literally as in the film.

Based on what you wrote OP I don't think you are considering telling out of altruism. I think no one should meddle in other people's marriages.

wannabestressfree Mon 13-Jan-14 18:36:20

I would tell her. But.......
I know a lady whose husband has regular affairs where he works mon- fri. She turns a blind eye. That was until he had an affair with a mum at school and the mum told her. She was furious with the mum for bringing it to her doorstep.
What I am trying to say is be careful.

smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 18:38:17

Because he denied seeing this other woman or signing up on the guys site to meet guys for 3sum. I asked him to be truthful because its easier for all but denied it trying to make out I was mad to think that.
I got proof Friday night and showed it to him. He has gome silent since... But i sense it wont last as he will want to do some damage limitation incase i tell

PPaka Mon 13-Jan-14 18:38:43

I'm kinda the wife in that situation
I wish someone had told me

Meerka Mon 13-Jan-14 18:41:38

smiling if you tell her, you could meet her face to face, or you could send her a letter or put it through the door when you know she is home. But put your first name and phone number on it and emphasise that you did not know and that you ended it as soon as you realised.

it could come as one hell of a shock to her, one which she will need time to take in.

Also, if she knows and is closing her eyes, it's a lot easier to close your eyes to a letter than it is to a real live woman standing in front of you. If your number is on it, she can contact you if she wants to, when she wants to. The ball at that point is in her court, which gives her some power back at a point where she may be feeling pretty overwhelmed.

fiftyandfab Mon 13-Jan-14 18:43:27

Jaffa wrote: Based on what you wrote OP I don't think you are considering telling out of altruism. I think no one should meddle in other people's marriages.

I second this. OP let it * Because he denied seeing this other woman or signing up on the guys site to meet guys for 3sum. I asked him to be truthful because its easier for all but denied it trying to make out I was mad to think that.
I got proof Friday night and showed it to him. He has gome silent since...*

He doesn't owe you anything...not an explanation....NADA.... your original post said it was 'casual', why are you presenting him with proof of his infidelities to his wife. It's none of your you sound like you just want revenge.

OatcakeCravings Mon 13-Jan-14 18:43:35

Do you want to tell his wife because you are very concerned about her sexual health? Or are you hurt and angry (totally understandable btw) and you want him to feel some of the pain you are going through? Be very clear what your motives are before deciding.

IMO I'd be questioning how much drama you need in your life and if the answer is not that much them I'd leave well alone, pick myself up and get on with my own life.

smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 18:49:14

Just because a relationship was fairly new and casual doesn't mean it should be just taken lightly or treated as just a shag. By casual I meant it wasn't very seriius. No matter if I am seeing someone for a week or a year I expect respect and honesty

fiftyandfab Mon 13-Jan-14 18:59:23

Oh dear. Life is NOT like that. You can't expect everything that happens to you in life to adhere to a 'perfect' script. Shit happens love. Think yourself lucky you didn't get in any deeper. I suspect you have already made up your mind about how this will play out....

fiftyandfab Mon 13-Jan-14 19:02:05

And furthermore, if you expect respect and honesty (which of course, is your prerogative)...may I respectfully suggest you take a little more time getting to know someone in the future?

ShedWood Mon 13-Jan-14 19:06:56

I genuinely don't understand all of these "what she (the wife) doesn't know can't hurt her style comments". Does anyone here honestly believe that just because the DW in this situation doesn't know her husband is cheating that's ok?

Equally, where are all of these women who allow their husbands to sleep with other people? I know it's not the kind of thing you'd discuss with a stranger, but I have a lot of close female friends and all of them rate monogamy very highly within their relationships.

Personally if my DH was cheating on me I would want to know, and I wouldn't care who told me or their motivation behind it, because everyday I was married to someone with one foot outside the marriage would be a day wasted in my opinion, and I would blame him for the cheating, not her.

Jaffacakesallround Mon 13-Jan-14 19:36:58

Just for the record, OP many years ago I was lied to by a married man who was initially separated( that bit was true) then his wife returned- but I was never told, and found out in other ways. I decided to make myself known to her and the fact I'd been around for rather a long time. Guess what- decades later they are still together and happy.

On the other hand , I also got to know a man who turned out to be married, and I kept my mouth firmly shut. The divorced.

You cannot guarantee the outcome you want always. And I second fifty to point out that you need to do your homework and be sure your beaux are unattached- unless you knew all along and there is more to this than you are saying.

Leavenheath Mon 13-Jan-14 19:49:00

Oh what utter rot! grin

No-one needs a therapy qualification to use a word in the dictionary that everyone understands.

And it's fine to warn the OP that 'a lot' of posters might be projecting their own experiences on to their advice, as long as no-one says that everyone who says 'don't tell' has the same motives. Because they don't, any more than posters who always say 'yes, tell' or those who say 'it's up to you but here are some safeguards and considerations'.

Every time an OP asks for advice, she needs to bear in mind people might have motives behind the advice they give, based on their own personal experiences- especially if they choose not to share why they feel the way they do. I've got no problem with the OP looking at my advice like that, in fact I'd encourage it because people are not always what they seem on the internet.

'Bunny boiler' is a horribly misogynistic word, for which there is no male equivalent. An angry woman is perfectly entitled to seek revenge without being called nasty names that are only reserved for women.

Can we please stop blaming a woman for the lies a man told while we're at it?

No-one should have to wait a prescribed amount of time before expecting someone to tell the truth about being married FFS.

OP while I understand the advice about sending a letter with your contact details on it, my main concern is that a) you've no idea of the woman's frame of mind when she gets it, whereas if you're talking to her you can show her some kindness and tact in your body language and tone, as well as the words chosen. And b) This bloke might be on the look-out for strange post and could intercept a letter.

Oakmaiden Mon 13-Jan-14 19:51:04

I think I would tell.

Firstly because I would be concerned that this woman's sexual health is potentially being compromised without her awareness.

Secondly, I have a friend who recently discovered that her husband had been having several affairs - and that other people around her knew and decided to "protect" her by not telling her. She was almost as upset with them as with her husband.

fiftyandfab Mon 13-Jan-14 19:56:32

gosh. No-one is right or wrong here. The point is, how can anyone offer advice without experiences. THAT'S the point of soliciting opinions, so that the OP can sift through them all to arrive at HER OWN conclusions on how to deal with her problem, based on others' experiences surely?!

I don't see anyone here being an apologist for this arse wipe of a man. We all make mistakes/the wrong choices in life etc. The best we can do is deal with them in a way that would cause least pain to any innocent party. Without a hidden agenda of revenge/payback/schadenfreude.

fiftyandfab Mon 13-Jan-14 20:00:51

Oak. Your point there is that your friend's friends were trying to protect her. The OP is NOT part of this man's wife's life...any more than she was a part of his. His wife's sexual health is NOT her concern.

I do believe some posters here are being deliberately blind to the obvious. OP made a mistake, she's hurting and wants him to pay by taking her misplaced revenged out on this man's wife WITHOUT knowing what effect the inevitable fallout will have.

Who died and made anyone Judge and Jury on ANYONE'S marriage?

fiftyandfab Mon 13-Jan-14 20:01:53

revenge...not revenged

str8tothepoint Mon 13-Jan-14 20:30:03

Give him a deadline to tell her if he doesn't then tell her yourself. This bastard deserves to burn

Farahilda Mon 13-Jan-14 20:36:51

str8 they've split up. There's no need whatsoever to talk to him about anything ever again. Indeed much better all round for absolute NC.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Mon 13-Jan-14 20:50:22

Tell his wife.
The man's a dog and is putting her health at risk.

Jaffacakesallround Mon 13-Jan-14 22:16:51

It's not rot to call someone on overusing the word projecting. It is though arrogant and patronising to suggest that someone cannot step outside their own experiences and (possibly) prejudices, to give advice. We all use our life experiences to form our opinions and behaviour but that doesn't mean we can only see things from one dimension.

Bunny Boiler is a well understood term and applies to a woman who seeks revenge. It may apply to women only because of the film but it's no big deal to use it.

OP you need to be honest with yourself. It's your ego that's bruised.Being duped, lied to, taken for a fool. It happens to most of us in life over something- not just casual sex with someone who turns out to be a married man. Shit happens. Get over it and stop trying to play God and inflict pain on another person.

You have NO IDEA what is going on in this guy's life and no idea how his wife would react.

You are looking for revenge either because you have a massive ego or because you were much more involved emotionally than you care to admit which is why you are wasting time wondering how to hurt this man ( and his entire family) rather than moving on and learning something from the experience.

Leavenheath Tue 14-Jan-14 00:13:57

Oh FFS it is a big deal to use the term 'bunnyboiler'. It's really offensive to women and I'm not the only poster on this thread who has challenged your use of it, Jaffacakes.

I've explained once about how some posters project, but you're now inventing things I didn't say. At no point have I ever written that posters can't step outside of their own life experiences or prejudices to give advice. Thank goodness for OPs, many can.

But like I recall once saying on a thread like this one, an OP might be best advised to wonder why one poster in particular keeps coming back to insist she doesn't tell and whose posts get nastier and more personally critical of her each time.

As always on threads like these, I don't give a stuff if the OP tells or doesn't. Neither do I think wanting revenge or feeling angry are bad things. All I ever care about on threads like these is that the person being told is allowed some dignity and the opportunity to ask questions and see evidence if available- and that the messenger isn't given responsibility and blame that's not hers. She's not to blame for hurting another family. The bloke who's shagging around is entirely responsible for that, seeing as the messenger in this case didn't know he was married.

I'm dumbfounded that anyone thinks this poster has done something wrong or that she needs to 'learn from the experience/her mistake'. She was lied to, but as soon as she found the bloke out in that lie, she dumped him. What exactly are posters suggesting she should have done differently? confused

beachside Tue 14-Jan-14 00:29:38

What does it have to do with you OP?

And I can see the phone call, ''oh hi, you don't know me, but I was shagging your husband, yes, I know, he's pretty good isn't he? Oh, he does that to you too? Lovely< i really enjoyed that bit too, anyway, I'm just calling to tell you that he's not shagging me any longer and he's shagging someone else, yes!! I know, he doesn't hang about does he? Anyhoo, toodle pip, keep your chin up, hugs xxx''

Rosencrantz Tue 14-Jan-14 01:38:09

Jaffa, using the term bunny boiler is misogynistic and anti women, no matter how you wrap it up.

It's a sad sign of the patriarchy that you can't see that. Nothing wrong with slut to describe a promiscuous women either, eh?

smilingeyes79 Tue 14-Jan-14 02:13:55

Well thanks to everyone for your input - some more useful and constructive than others.

Obviously an emotive subject. As i said earlier i will sit on it a couple of days, re read the thoughts on here and make a decision one way or another. I have a party on Saturday and plan to have a clear head and free spirit by then :-)

perfectstorm Tue 14-Jan-14 04:54:22

If I were the wife, I'd want to know. My whole life would be a lie, and if he's getting involved in bisexual random contact hookups my health would be threatened, too.

As long as you just provide the info and stress you don't have a view beyond that other than wishing her well, I think that would be helpful, personally.

And anyone who doesn't know "bunny boiler" is a misogynist term might want to do some research and reflection. Really unpleasant when women engage in that crap to other women, IMO.

RudyMentary Tue 14-Jan-14 05:10:31

If you do decide to tell her stick to the facts and only those that involve you.

Do not mention past or current women or the other men

RudyMentary Tue 14-Jan-14 05:13:21

The term 'bunny boiler' is derived purely from the film Fatal Attraction

str8tothepoint Tue 14-Jan-14 05:36:28

Jaffa who gives a fuck what's going on in his life, to think he can go around shagging any girl he likes while married is wrong. He deserves to be brought down or are you accepting that affairs are ok and that his wife should not know their marriage is a sham???

Rosencrantz Tue 14-Jan-14 05:54:48

Yes Rudy, we know it is. That doesn't mean it's not horribly sexist though.

RudyMentary Tue 14-Jan-14 07:13:23

You may know that but you can't speak for everyone.
My comment was to assist those that had been told to 'research and reflect'

Lazyjaney Tue 14-Jan-14 07:21:57

"The term 'bunny boiler' is derived purely from the film Fatal Attraction"

And it's in common usage as it describes a sort of person that really does exist, if this term wasnt used another would be. This petty censorship is silly - it's not misogynist to have words that describe bad women.

Anyway OP, the question you need to ask yourself is why are you really doing this, and what do you think the outcome for you is going to be.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-Jan-14 07:34:30

'he deserves to be brought down'

But his type - arrogant, confident, stable of willing women - aren't brought down by this ever, are they? I've been the wronged wife finding out about a DH's affair. It was one of the most cripplingly horrible experiences of my life & it changed my life trajectory a full 180 degrees. I struggled financially, had several years of dipping in and out of depression and other horrible stuff.

He, on the other hand, went on to great things. New partner straight away, a couple of kids in due course, career finally took off, smart place in London. He wasn't 'brought down' in the slightest.

Would I have rather not known? Can't say. But the impact of knowing affected me far more than him.

Jaffacakesallround Tue 14-Jan-14 08:07:50

I've never read such tosh regarding the outrage here over the use of Bunny Boiler. Misogynist? Offensive to women? Christ what kind of ivory towers are you living in???

As for you Leaven I too wonder about the motives of someone who can say.*I don't give a stuff whether the OP tells or doesn't'* but who keeps coming back to take other posters to task who happen to have differing opinions.

If you don't care, why do you keep adding to the thread with your 'advice' confused

CarryOnDancing Tue 14-Jan-14 09:10:14

I was told that my ex had cheated. I wasn't angry with the woman, she didn't owe me any loyalty and I was just glad she told me so I could get out of there.
I would absolutely always want to know as for me there could be no worse fallout than discovering I could have been out of the relationship sooner.

The "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" perspective is so bizarre and baffling to me. For all we know, the wife had already posted on here about his strange behaviour. She could be one of the posters who says she feel like she can't leave because she has no hard facts.

OP, you have those facts and regardless of whether I'd discovered an infidelity in the past or not, my opinion is still that you should tell. I think it's almost cruel to hold so much truth and not deliver it.
Of course you absolutely must take the revenge aspect out of it so that it doesn't shadow it and create more drama for the wife.

I was fully supportive of you until you said that you've gone back to him with your evidence. I agree the term bunny boiler is shitty, though I do think the general revenge for revenge sake element has to be remembered. As long as you just deliver the facts and walk away I think the wife deserves to know.

People post here all the time and usually the stock response is to LTB and posters go on to tell the OP how they don't deserve such a life and their oh is a controlling twunt who doesn't love or care about their partner or children.
The wife here is still in this situation-she just doesn't know it yet. Or maybe she just doesn't feel she has enough concrete evidence and without it would feel like it was her ripping the family apart, rather than her husband?! You have that evidence.

I can only assume when other posters say the wife may know but turns a blind eye, they mean she doesn't have enough proof yet? Surely there can't be that many women who are happy to completely ignore continuous affairs? Of course there must be some but the percentage compared to those just looking for a way out has to be tiny?

Whatisaweekend Tue 14-Jan-14 12:06:40

I would def tell her for one reason and one reason only - her health. If he is putting it about so much and in so many different ways, he could be catching all sorts and passing them on to her. Such promiscuity could be extremely dangerous. Unless you can, hand on heart, say that he is utterly obsessed with safety and doesn't even think of sex without putting a condom on, then god knows where this could end.

Horrible, horrible situation and I really feel for you.

smilingeyes79 Tue 14-Jan-14 12:13:53

No he is very lax re protection. Only used with me because insisted and reminded him.

I have been checked and am awaiting results. Although we always used protection, nothing is 100%, especially orally with him meeting guys

hookedonchoc Tue 14-Jan-14 12:23:19

I would want to know the truth if I was her, regardless of the motive of the person giving me the news.

I don't like the sound of his threat, though, and if you feel safer walking away I don't think you have any responsibility to tell her. Can you protect your identity, perhaps by giving her a throwaway number to call you on for more information so you won't be harrassed and can get rid of the sim if turns nasty?

Grumpasaurus Tue 14-Jan-14 12:58:43

Hi again,

I've been thinking about this post a bit, particularly in relation to my job.

I work in HIV (and sexual health), and one of the parts of my jobs is to do HIV testing. My last three positive diagnoses have been middle-aged women whose husbands have been playing around (Grindr, bisexual, other women, prozzies, etc).

Two of them found out early enough to get onto decent treatment which will hopefully prevent their HIV from ever developing into AIDS. The third wasn't so lucky- she had the virus for so long, it had become untreatable.

She will die from AIDS related illnesses.

Tell her. She has the right to know.

Jaffacakesallround Tue 14-Jan-14 13:06:14

It's not helpful to say that 'you would want to know'-and suggesting someone tells on that basis- that's you. You can't speak for other women, whose circumstances and emotions you know nothing of.

I've no axe to grind on this personally, but in my posts I've tried to offer opinions based on almost 60 years of living and seeing all kinds of relationships and scenarios. I've never once said I'd tell or not tell because of how I'd feel because I don't think that is a valid way to advise someone.

perfectstorm Tue 14-Jan-14 13:09:06

I've never read such tosh regarding the outrage here over the use of Bunny Boiler. Misogynist? Offensive to women? Christ what kind of ivory towers are you living in???

Every single woman I know in life would hold the same view on the term. It's nasty and it's sexist - that's the world we live in, sure, but why on earth should we collude in it?

I'm sorry you find the concept of being disagreed with so personally difficult, as that must make life a real challenge for you, but I'm afraid it's unreasonable to expect us all to alter our views to reassure you that your own are correct.

As for you Leaven I too wonder about the motives of someone who can say.*I don't give a stuff whether the OP tells or doesn't'* but who keeps coming back to take other posters to task who happen to have differing opinions.

I suggest you reread your own posts, in that case.

No he is very lax re protection. Only used with me because insisted and reminded him.

Again: I would want to know. If she doesn't, she can tell herself that you're just crazy and after her pearl of a man. But you are at least giving her the option.

Tonandfeather Tue 14-Jan-14 13:14:23

Surely the people who don't get why bunny boiler is a horrible term are the ones who live in ivory towers, not the people who actually live in the real world and who get out more? If I used that term at work or in company, I would be pulled up on it. It's no different to slut or slag, like a pp said. Besides anything, it's an inaccurate term for what the poster is thinking of doing. She's not talking about assaulting his wife, children or pets because he stayed with them and finished with the poster. She finished with HIM and proposes letting his wife know in a calm way.

Some of the posts having a go at the poster for not getting to know the guy better before she got involved are I'm sure just the usual judgemental bullcrap women get for having casual sex with relative strangers. I don't think a guy posting would get that sort of crap.

It's good you're getting yourself checked out. I'd tell his wife for her health reasons too. This guy is into risky sex and would ditch protection if he could get away with it.

smilingeyes79 Tue 14-Jan-14 15:01:12

If I decide to tell her, how do you think would be best ?

I know where they live but I dont have home or wifes number. I know its been suggested to tell her face to face.
I am not so sure it would be a good idea to just turn up at her home, she works full time so when she is home so are the children. Its a real personal in your face invasion of the place she feels safe.

Oh I wish I had never met him

Tonandfeather Tue 14-Jan-14 15:13:17

Can you do a bit of webwork and find out where she works? Is she on LinkedIn for example? You might find a contact number on there so you can speak to her and ask to meet her after work, or at a time/place of her choosing. If she asks you to tell all on the phone, do check she's got someone supportive close by.

smilingeyes79 Tue 14-Jan-14 17:40:59

Thank you

I will add that to my thinking... Not just if I tell but how.

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