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Sexting/Phone Sex Etiquette

(80 Posts)
DizzyGoat Mon 13-Jan-14 13:51:50

Have NC! (Naice Ham, Poo Troll, entitled to goats)

For the last 3 months I've had a very slowly developing relationship with a guy who has decided he needs to work on his priorities, work/life balance etc. He's been in this country (previously in the US) for 3 years and not had a girlfriend. But he's chosen me as being top of the list if he ever gets the time. (For short I'd call that commitment phobic but there we go).

Anyway, we've held hands once, snogged twice and one day (TMI) he got over excited and <splat> - did make sure I enjoyed myself first though!

In the last couple of weeks we've "sexted" twice (NO PICTURES!!!) and last night had phone sex for the first time in my life. Damn fine, can recommend it grin

But in neither format have we ever described going all the way, just the kind of thing we've done so far (and I did introduce some lace and massage oil last night!)

So, when we do it again (pretty sure a precedent has been set now) should I take the conversation in the direction of full sex or not? Perhaps he doesn't want to go that far IRL because he can't commit so would it be appropriate to describe such things if they won't happen. Or would he be completely overjoyed and rush round to my house immediately? Or could I scare him off?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 13-Jan-14 13:56:42

You're top of the list if he gets the time? hmm You realise this is not a relationship and you're just a FWB don't you?

Bogeyface Mon 13-Jan-14 13:58:38

You have posted about this guy before havent you? The phrase about being "top of his list" rings a bell.

If you have then I recall you were told then that this guy was a using loser and tio chuck him back. I wonder why you didnt.

AnyFucker Mon 13-Jan-14 14:00:06

Christ Almighty, is this the best you can get ?

Think again.

desperatelyseekingsolace Mon 13-Jan-14 14:03:24

sorry, but this guy is stringing you along big time.

I have a friend who was once in "relationship" like this... they met periodically (once every 2-3 months), he kept saying he was really busy and wanted to make time for stuff and sort his life out before he got into a relationship with her etc etc. Turned out he was in a live-in relationship.

This guy isn't just a commitment phobe, he has no interest in even having a fling with you.

Unless you genuinely want totally no-strings "phone" sex (whatever that is) -- in which case fill your boots -- I'd steer well clear.

TheArticFunky Mon 13-Jan-14 14:03:52

Are you happy to talk smutty to some bloke who isn't even interested. I would rather sort out the kitchen cupboards.

NeoFaust Mon 13-Jan-14 14:07:03

I've had all the way phone sex with people in Australia who I'm never going to get a chance to meet. It's a shared fantasy - enjoy it to whatever extent YOU feel comfortable with, just don't let it define your real world expectations.

Pro-tip: He'll probably round up the inches.

LineRunner Mon 13-Jan-14 14:10:53

He sounds very unlikeable.

meditrina Mon 13-Jan-14 14:11:10

On "his list"? Good grief.

It's about time you looked at your list - and added some men who,might actually be open to the idea of a relationship.

Only phone sex? You could be anyone.

SourSweets Mon 13-Jan-14 15:16:39

Ditch him, that sounds truly awful.

TBH OP, if you enjoy phone sex and are good at it, you might as well earn money by doing it. PM me if you want details of companies who pay a decent rate.

Heathcliff27 Mon 13-Jan-14 16:00:51

Wow, you're top of his list...you must be so proud. Where's your self respect woman!!

Neitheronethingortheother Mon 13-Jan-14 16:03:35

Whats all the way phone sex? Do you shove the phone up your fanjo with him on it?

AnyFucker Mon 13-Jan-14 16:33:45

Now now, neither

Every good MN'er knows that "sex" does not just refer to penetration. Tsk..

He's chosen you as top of his list if he ever gets the time? Fuck me, what a catch hmm

brokenhearted55a Mon 13-Jan-14 17:17:01

Fuck me.....I thought I was champion of accepting crumbs. Even I would tell him to Fuck off.

AnyFucker Mon 13-Jan-14 17:19:36

He must have a cock of solid gold confused

ALittleStranger Mon 13-Jan-14 18:31:34

The problem you're asking for advice on isn't actually the problem, but you know that right?

The point of phone sex is you can say any old thing that turns you and the other person on.

But the point of this "relationship" is what exactly?

DizzyGoat Mon 13-Jan-14 19:36:04

Thank you all so much for your input (!) - I'd forgotten that Relationships was the home of LTB grin

Well, yes, its complicated and on the surface does not sound good. But this is the only sort of interaction with a male that I can cope with right now.

It is well teenage, I know that. But I have come out of (over the last 15 years) vicious DV which left me with injuries that left me disabled, that combined with EA from the same person. I got away but got landed with his mate who was a heroin addict. Eventually got beaten up by him after 4 years of financial exploitation when I refused to give him money for a bag of smack.

So crumbs is all I really want, and I do find it really sweet and yes, exciting. He does work 72 hours a week so I do know that he's not with anyone else. The situation is complicated by cultural constraints (mainly his boss who treats him like a child) as I am of a different culture to them. He says that his boss constantly drums into him and the other workers that they should not have relationships due to the hours they work (!)

Also, he's hesitant because he feels that within the next 3 months he might just decide to go back to his home country as to him England = exploitation. Right at the beginning he asked me to be patient while he decided what he was going to do, which suits me.

DizzyGoat Mon 13-Jan-14 20:46:54

Sorry, just had to move onto phone in private. So, considering the back story may have something to do with the lack of full sex, would it be wrong to refer to it when all we indulge in at the moment is touching?

By the way, I could have txt him today and had a repeat of last night but I decided I didn't want to overdo it. Keeping things to once a week seems good to me.

nickymanchester Mon 13-Jan-14 20:47:55

Normally, I would totally disagree with much that AnyFucker says. I really do hate to say this but, this time, I do totally agree with what she said in this case.

Christ Almighty, is this the best you can get ?

Think again.

FaerieBells Mon 13-Jan-14 20:52:03

He does work 72 hours a week so I do know that he's not with anyone else

Um...how long does it take for him to go from nought to <splat> exactly, OP? That still leaves a hell of a lot of hours when he's not at work.

And - why are you bothered about exclusivity? confused

Farahilda Mon 13-Jan-14 20:54:33

"He must have a cock of solid gold purest green"

Or a thingy shaped just like a turnip.

JessMcL Mon 13-Jan-14 20:54:46

The next time you speak to him on the phone will be for phone sex. I guarantee it.

nickymanchester Mon 13-Jan-14 20:56:31

DizzyGoat

Sorry, your post at 19:36 wasn't showing on mumsnet when I posted.

Please, never, ever progress at any faster rate than you feel comfortable with.

I really am the last person that will ever say LTB, it is normally me arguing against that. But your OP did give a very different impression from your second post.

If this is all you want at the moment then enjoy it and don't let anyone here pressurise you into not doing something that you want to do.

AnyFucker Mon 13-Jan-14 20:56:41

Nicky, would it have killed you to simply type "I agree with AF" ?

Or, alternatively, type something similar if you concur ?

What you did do just looks simply rude and unwarranted

Vixxxen Mon 13-Jan-14 21:03:16

Well, if you are not thinking long term, than go for it. You are enjoying the situation and it suits you.
Go with the flow.

Also take in consideration what solidgoldbrass said. Work from home, earning a few bob, doing something easy and you enjoy/is good at.

Anyway, what is <splat> ????
I have no idea.

nickymanchester Mon 13-Jan-14 21:04:07

AnyFucker

I'm sorry, you're right, that was unwarranted of me

AnyFucker Mon 13-Jan-14 21:14:05

Ok, fair enough. No hard feelings.

JaceyBee Mon 13-Jan-14 21:15:20

I don't think there's anything wrong with having him for phone/text sex if you enjoy it. Doesn't really matter whether or not anything comes of it (so to speak) wink i do it with guys I'm sleeping with or planning to sleep with, it gives me a flavour of how they like to fuck and it's good foreplay.

As for how to approach the next time, well it's a fantasy so you can say any old thing you like! Doesn't mean you're obliged to do any of it in RL unless you want to. Just say what you'd like to do to him, what you want him to do to you etc etc

LineRunner Mon 13-Jan-14 21:19:31

<splat> is it that thing that Rachel said Ross did?

bestsonever Mon 13-Jan-14 21:20:28

So you left an abusive relationship and somehow ended up with his crack-head mate - for 4 YEARS !! Now you have gained FWB, doubtless when the time suits him, not you. You are bothered about etiquette and asking on here, showing that you care what he thinks so already showing that you don't really want an FWB, but will probably accept it anyway.
What's wrong? I'd say they are finding you and you are going with any crap that is out there. Take charge of your own destiny, you don't have to repeatedly fall into a pile of crap. Next time a sleasebag shows some interest, do what most sane people would do and tell them to jog on.

DizzyGoat Mon 13-Jan-14 21:24:16

Jeez I don't think I could go professional - not had nearly enough practice yet!

I just don't want to upset the status quo by talking about full sex if its not going to happen with him IRL.

<splat> is when you have something in your hand and after 2 minutes its been sick on your thigh! Euphamism alert!

After last weeks txt session he said he wished we could have actually done one quarter of what we'd described smile

PurpleSprout Mon 13-Jan-14 21:47:48

If that's all your comfortable with, I guess (and I'll caveat I've never sexted in my life and I'm no prude), then just:

- Make your boundaries as clear as his (don't do all the running - any increment in involvement should be on both sides)

- FGS don't fall 'in love' in this situation. If you think you might be, LTB.

- Keep yourself open to better opportunities and while I don't suggest you belabour the issue, make sure he knows you're not waiting around for a slot in his calendar.

In all honesty though, if anything did happen to deepen the relationship, he doesn't sound a good shout for a DH, DP or father to potential kids (not that everyone cares about that, I'm CF FWIW).

Finally and god I hate myself for saying this as a 30-something CF poster, you didn't mention what you want out of life. If it's a family and particularly kids, then unless you're really young (I don't get that from your post) LTB right now and work on yourself until you're comfortable to pursue the relationship you want. I think (but I could be wrong, because I'm no expert), that by pursuing this, you might be missing an opportunity to enjoy being alone, work on things you want to work on (if needed) and be open to much, much better offers.

I can say OP, I've had some shit offers in my time, but never 'you'd be top of my list but I'm committing nothing' with an expectation of explicit phone calls.

There is nothing wrong with having a FWB/phone-sex-only relationship. It's fine to be single and absolutely fine to have casual fun with people as long as no one is leading anyone on or being dishonest/unkind.
Some mundanes posters forget that relationships are not compulsory, and that a shag or a flirtation doesn't have to progress to marriage-n-kids to be 'real' or 'worthwhile'.

AnyFucker Mon 13-Jan-14 22:56:21

That's all well and good if both parties are comfortable with it and getting equal gratification from it

But Op is anxious and questioning strangers about how far to go. Why can't she ask him if this "casual fun" ? It should be easy and angst-free, yes, by very definition ?

Op isn't having "casual fun" as far as I can see.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Mon 13-Jan-14 23:49:50

Imho, if he does progress to sexting pictures, that might be a boundary to not cross and ring off at that point.

Perhaps these circumstances suit him best as it could be that 'splat' may be an issue for RL all-the-way encounters.

And what purplesprout said. I would not be banking on emotional attachment here, sorry.

Top of the list? Did you clarify exactly which list that'd be? hmm

kingbeat23 Tue 14-Jan-14 00:00:54

I can relate to having a relationship with someone on the other end if the phone. If you've come out of a DV situation somehow it can make it a little easier to handle. They can't get physical near you.

However. The fact that you state you are too of his list when he finds the time screams all kind of bells and flags that you need to be aware of.

If you're happy with being 2nd (or 3rd or 25 millionth) best and are happy to accept that you might not be heading in a direction that won't be equal to both of you, then go ahead and enjoy it whilst it lasts.

Fwiw, I DONT think that this guy has any other ideas than keeping this as anything other than a memory he can go back to when he wants to and can keep you hanging. However, I only see what you've written on the web and stories have many sides. Just take care to protect your emotions rather than anyone else's when you do it.

DizzyGoat Wed 15-Jan-14 14:43:46

The list was to stop lodging with his boss (achieved) and "I need a woman" - I think I ended up in this situation because I looked at him hopefully and made a little yelp when he said that, and invited him out for a drink (which we still have not been for - it seems he likes a smoke but doesn't drink).

Today's developments were unexpected. I saw him on a break from work and he mentioned Sunday's phone sex, which he was basically knocked out by. But then he said in retrospect that rather than phone sex he ought to have been in bed actually doing it with someone his own age!! angry

I am a lot older than him, although not as old as he'd thought (he got DS's age wrong by 6 years). And some thoughts about the possibility of settling down and having a family "before he gets to old". He still thinks he has not got time for a girlfriend plus he might still go back to his own country so that's not really going to happen soon is it? Physically I could have another child, emotionally I am 99.99% certain I will not.

So basically I'm all right to fool around with but too old for anything else. Hmm. That's telling me isn't it? So I told him that I was not planning to get serious and that DS has put me straight that he will never accept any sort of "father figure" and we don't want or need one. I also said he may find it a relief that I am older so unlikely to be emotional, high maintenance or demanding of his time.

He said if I was this horny and up for it now, what must I have been like when I was 20 hmm I surprised him by saying that I was celibate from the age of 17-21. I didn't say I was probably making up for it now. I am still troubled by the Old business though, possibly as it happened only an hour after someone at work had asked after my "grandson" when I'd been talking about my DS. Ouch.

After that chat maybe things are straighter, I dunno. It appears I'm forgiven for the age thing (HaHa) because another quick snog followed and yes <splat> again grin

Andthebandplayedon - you are probably right - before I laid hands on him today he said his ex had always told him she was amazed how he was ready for sex all the time (and I'm pretty sure she must have said something about him being too quick!!) Maybe it won't proceed to full sex between us - I can't imagine even being able to get a condom on him without it all being over before it begins. There will be no pictures, I agree with you about that being a line that should not be crossed.

PurpleSprout thank you for your words of wisdom. What is CF by the way?

But having been patient and waiting for him as he requested 3 months ago I would find very it annoying if he suddenly went off with someone else. That is my only vulnerability I think, not wanting to have the piss taken and lose out in some way by not being assertive.

AnyFucker Wed 15-Jan-14 15:38:06

Forgive me for not understanding the coy euphemisms but are you saying you had a kiss and he came in his pants ?

confused

Is this normal these days (outside of the behind the bike sheds situation) ?

Hmm. OK,. OP, I think you maybe are expecting this man to reward your kindness and patience by becoming your boyfriend. That's not a good idea. I think he's telling you, nicely, that he likes you but doesn't want a relationship. If you do want a relationship, look for it elsewhere. If you don't, and are happy just to play around with him then by all means enjoy - but you need to be able to wave him goodbye with a smile when he wants to move on - or when you do.

DizzyGoat Wed 15-Jan-14 16:39:21

AnyFucker - you are so perceptive - that's exactly where we were!! But it was in my hand, not pants!

I don't really want a relationship but on the other hand I don't really want to be hidden away in a corner. The house thing for him is difficult, when he was saying about having a woman in his bed it was kind of theoretical because he lives in like a student house and doesn't want to be the first to have a girlfriend round.

He says he's going to his country for a holiday in the next couple of months. I am pretty sure his family will have a succession of "eligible" women lined up for him. When he goes that will be a test of my ability to wave goodbye I think.

But why, after 3 years in this country meeting women every day did he choose to get physical with me first? I suppose it works both ways - why is he the first person I've been interested in for 3 years also?

Jan45 Wed 15-Jan-14 16:40:07

Yes he's definitely not wanting anything other than a cheap thrill on the phone, if you're up for that then fine but I wouldn't be analysing what you should and shouldn't say, I wouldn't be giving it so much importance, it's sexting and he's made it pretty clear, even if condescendingly put, that's not interested in anything else.

Just make sure you look out for someone who is actually wiling to get off his ass and take you out cos as far as I can see, you're a sex chat line worker but without the dosh.

AnyFucker Wed 15-Jan-14 17:29:36

Dizzy, I don't understand why you don't find this whole thing demeaning

All you are fit for is a sneaky handjob ? Really ? Have you no self respect at all ?

Heathcliff27 Wed 15-Jan-14 18:06:24

^^ what AnyFucker said

Twinklestein Wed 15-Jan-14 18:13:59

OP you have two appallingly damaging relationships behind you. Please see this situation, not as, 'not nearly as bad as the others' but quite bad enough in its own grotty little way.

He has given you a multitude of crap explanations for why he can't get involved (his boss?!), told you after phone sex that he would rather be shagging a woman half your age for real. All he is looking for is sexual relief, and you're the nearest willing bucket. Please, please see that none of this us good for your self esteem in the long run, even if right now you feel want to grab the crap crumbs he's throwing you. You are worth so much more than this.

AnyFucker Wed 15-Jan-14 18:15:33

You could get 25 quid for that on a street corner

What is in this for you, exactly ? (Other than some rather teenage sniggering about < splatting >)

Hogwash Wed 15-Jan-14 18:20:45

'But why, after 3 years in this country meeting women every day did he choose to get physical with me first?' Dizzy I actually feel a bit nauseous after reading this thread. I think you take allowing him to, er, splat on you as a compliment. I'm not sure that being the only person he is prepared to splat on is a compliment though. He sounds like he is just too tight to afford a sordid sex chat line but is too insecure about his trigger-happiness to engage in a 'normal relationship' with commitment. Eww, run for the hills.

JupiterGentlefly Wed 15-Jan-14 18:25:39

Don't take this the wrong way op but you really do need to work on that self esteem of yours because its on the floor. You sound like you have been through shit and as a result you have lost track of what is decent behaviour

Vixxxen Wed 15-Jan-14 19:30:59

Maybe the women that he has been meeting everyday won't give him shit.
You do, but he won't appreciate it and he even goes as far as saying that he would lie to do in bed, all the things you talk about, with not only other woman but a younger one.

Please wake up now.
Counselling/therapy will make you so much happier than this "relationship".

Selcouth Wed 15-Jan-14 19:37:47

The whole situation sounds hideous and that's coming from someone who became overly attached to a man who only wanted to send me photos of his cock... I was slow to catch onconfused

The normal response from a woman with healthy boundaries and decent self watermelon, upon discovering that they're being used as a cheap, easy thrill is to run away. Why are you not?

JupiterGentlefly Wed 15-Jan-14 19:41:01

Self watermelon?

AnyFucker Wed 15-Jan-14 19:50:24

that's an interesting auto correct smile

Selcouth Wed 15-Jan-14 19:53:11

Bloody hell. Watermelon?!

Esteem!

Hogwash Wed 15-Jan-14 20:01:14

Watermelon grin. That's got to become new Mumsnet slang, surely!

JupiterGentlefly Wed 15-Jan-14 20:07:23

I did think that was autocorrect!! Very funny. Having just been picked up for using there instead of their I wouldnt be so petty. Missing apostrophe from wouldnt too and I don't give a fuck

DizzyGoat Wed 15-Jan-14 20:07:31

I don't think I've really ever given a thought to self esteem. Can't remember it anyway. Perhaps I'll give a bit of background and you might be able to tell me where I left it?

When I was in Year 8 a boy and I decided we'd better get that virginity business out of the way, did it and saw each other casually for a bit longer. Not very satisfactory. Then the next year some girlfriends and I ended up in a situation a bit like the Rochdale case. OK, it was a different racial and work set up, the tactics were much the same but we were a bit older 14-16 rather than 11+. It seemed to us that WE were doing the exploiting by choosing who we were going to go with next, but we probably weren't and it probably was damaging.

Then I went to college and was celibate from 17 to 21. At 21 I met my exH who seemed very nice on the surface (from a naice family and area of which my parents approved)(trying to please parents = bid mistake) and we got married when I was still 21. He turned out to be an alcoholic and cheated on me, and I cheated on him (getting pregnant by the other man and having a m/c). We divorced after a year and to keep him away I enlisted some "bodyguards" - bona fide gangsters. Probably the country's most famous at the time.

So I stayed in that for around 10 years, making some great female friends (all of us had got into boys and sex too young), but it was the same as when I was a teenager - we thought we were hunting in a pack choosing men but were we really? I thought it was a pretty good feeling being on the VIP list wherever we went and scaring civilians. (Although when 'Splatman' said he likes to be hostile and scare people so they don't take advantage I did tell him that years of doing that would leave him feeling pretty empty).

So then I met DS's dad and suffered the DV which I didn't escape because I kept trying to rationalise it. Finally I gave up trying to do that (after 6 years!) and moved away. ExP's smackhead friend followed us to where we were living and I suppose I allowed the situation to develop where he was "protecting" us from ExP but in reality I was using him to enable me to feel I was staying strong and not going back to ExP. He did exploit me financially though, and after 4 years he hit me for not giving him drugs money. He went and I never saw him again.

So 3 more years of celibacy, never seeing anyone who didn't seem to have a whole bundle of faults (losing hair, being too loud, alcohol, bad shoes, too much emotional baggage). Nothing round here to attract me, so I thought, until 'Splatman' started paying me attention and I was hooked.

DizzyGoat Wed 15-Jan-14 20:08:42

Where did I leave that watermelon grin

AnyFucker Wed 15-Jan-14 20:22:01

Gimme some of the watermelon and some wine to glug it down with

That's a hell of a background, lovey, and tbh it goes a long way towards explaining why you seem content with so little sad

AnyFucker Wed 15-Jan-14 20:23:38

Sweetheart, the crumbs you are accepting are demeaning to you. He is demeaning you. Please could you stop letting him ?

DrNick Wed 15-Jan-14 20:25:22

you had sex in year 8? have i read that right?

JupiterGentlefly Wed 15-Jan-14 20:29:04

Dizzy this sounds terrible! It doesn't sound like you have ever had a functional relationship. (Neither have I but I hope to because I have been working on myself as in my low self watermelon!

DizzyGoat Wed 15-Jan-14 20:29:58

DrNick - yes. He was the same age, btw. Still not good I will admit.

Selcouth Wed 15-Jan-14 20:30:31

Wow, quite a story. You've had a rough old time.

Splatman <vomit> will be the latest addition to a string of truly terrible relationships.

DizzyGoat Wed 15-Jan-14 20:42:13

Thanks all. I will read any more replies tonight but probably won't be back on the PC to reply till tomorrow.

I think I have had 2 decent relationships (which I didn't even think to write down) but I've always done my best to fuck them up. Or used them as a cover to continue my hunting behaviour. But in fact both of them turned out to have weird and deep seated personality problems.

Cabrinha Wed 15-Jan-14 23:06:12

You've been beaten by an ex and now you're choosing to be with someone who tells you that he likes to be scary and hostile?
Come on. You show some self awareness in your posts. You KNOW this man is treating you like shit. He's telling you that he's hostile, so that you can't complain when he is. He's outright, cruelly and rudely told you he's using you until he finds someone younger.

Walk away. Get counselling. You can have better than this.

There's nothing wrong with phone sex, or taking things slowly. How much better to do that with a man who CARES about you though. Good luck Dizzy, you've had a rough ride... But right now you are setting yourself up for more.

Once again you're saying that abusive behaviour is fine cos you're getting what you want from it. But you're not getting what you want; not really. This will end badly, or you can end it now.

Talk to a professional, then take it slowly with someone who is thinking about YOUR needs.

Vixxxen Wed 15-Jan-14 23:18:47

You sound like such an intelligent, fun, nice person.
Forget splatman or any man for now.
Go treat yourself, take care of yourself, love yourself.

Hope you find a lovely relationship when you are ready.

Do you get on well with your son?

LittleBabyPigsus Wed 15-Jan-14 23:53:34

'<splat> is when you have something in your hand and after 2 minutes its been sick on your thigh!'

Well that's me done with heterosexuality.

More seriously, OP you are worth so much more than a handjob when he has time.

kingbeat23 Thu 16-Jan-14 23:25:51

Sometimes subconsciously choosing relationships and people like this can be an act of self-sabotage in itself as you know these relationships are doomed to fail or allow you to put yourself in positions 'to allow you to continue to hunt'.

I think you know the answer to this person and the relationship that you seem to have with this person.

By all means go ahead, but from my view it seems a no win situation on all aspects of this person and almost seems like a "see I told you relationships are shit" mentality.

Mandy2003 Thu 13-Mar-14 13:11:28

This is an update, and a whinge, and a request for ideas re damage limitation. I do remember that everyone has said "Don't bother with him".

Well, since January things have plodded along quite amicably and the situation has made me happy. Mainly text and phone based with a bit of a fumble every couple of weeks.

Still no nearer to any invitation to his house (clearly I'm not to be seen by the almighty housemates!) but I did have slight cause for hope of moving things along a bit the other day when he actually mentioned (in a text) wanting to actually have sex for the first time ever - stands back in amazement?! And put the word "Love" in it too - OMG!!!! This is not necessarily what I was expecting.

So I just happened to see him in the usual place near work today and I asked him if he wanted to meet tonight. "A date?" he said "Yes" "Oh yes, with someone younger please". Grrrr. Apparently the look on my face when he said that betrayed all kinds of possessiveness and making assumptions about having a relationship etc etc He was really quite angry and felt obliged to say I was only a bit of fun to him and had no right to an opinion.

I texted him and said "That was a misunderstanding wasn't it?" and why. But will it be possible to backtrack (on both sides) and keep things as they have been which is really all I want at the moment.

chateauferret Thu 13-Mar-14 13:21:59

Bleeurgh. The only way I'd text him about sex if if I mentioned travel at the same time. And I 'd do it in seven letters and three of them would be Fs.

StillSeekingSpike Thu 13-Mar-14 13:49:30

'He was really quite angry and felt obliged to say I was only a bit of fun to him and had no right to an opinion.'

So he's a premature ejaculating misogynist with no manners who's only putting up with you because he doesn't want to pay for a 'happy finish'??
Frankly, as my friend used to say, I'd rather sit on my finger.... get that watermelon and tell him to go fuck that angry

Jan45 Thu 13-Mar-14 14:02:38

Oh please stop it, he's not giving a shit about you, you're the next best thing to his hand, he even has the cheek to be angry with you, please get rid and look for someone with at least an ounce of imagination.

purplebaubles Thu 13-Mar-14 14:09:57

Seriously???? You have such low self esteem that you're ok with this shit situation? Please tell me you're 21 or something and not older and wiser?

He sounds like a jerk, and you sound as though you need a major reality check.

purplebaubles Thu 13-Mar-14 14:12:45

Sorry - just caught up with one of your posts.

You need to start valuing yourself. You deserve much better than this. Get rid of this loser please. Have you any RL friends you can confide in for support?

You are in a dangerous situation here which is not going to end well for you imo. Please leave this tosser to his own devices and start looking after yourself.

He contacts you when he wants an empty. End of story.

Next!

HeresTrouble Thu 13-Mar-14 17:51:07

Jeez, glad I'm not married to some of you old fuddy duddies!

OP, take it as far as you feel comfortable, it's only a bit of sexy fun!

I often sext my wife, she occasionally has phone sex with her lover and they exchange sexy messages too.
It get us in the mood for naughty fun, it's a bit like foreplay before the foreplay.

Go for it!

Mandy2003 Thu 13-Mar-14 18:30:09

That's it see, I have been perfectly happy doing just that but now I think I've caused a problem by reacting in the way I did to that comment.

I do know that this is not a rewarding relationship with a worthwhile person but it was giving me a bit of diversion in an otherwise boring life.

Thinking back the entire conversation today was leading onto dodgy ground. I just want to regain an even keel and hope he forgets today even happened. It wouldn't have if he hadn't stepped things up with the content of his txts this week. Then I would not have pushed for a meeting tonight.

I still don't know why he remains deluded thinking he will get a "proper" girlfriend. He ain't nice enough for that. Still, we don't know what mommy dearest has lined up when he goes to visit later this year.

TheCraicDealer Thu 13-Mar-14 18:47:50

He sounds like a cock and you're not even shagging him. Why are you hanging around?! There is literally nothing in this for you right now, apart from a large phone bill and a sticky hand.

Oh, and I can tell you from experience that thinking "He'll be on his own forever, he's a woman-hating cunt and couldn't stick a relationship" simply isn't true. He'll meet someone convenient, meek, mild and who'll give him a few sprogs on demand when it suits his timetable. And she'll be alright with that because she'll be mad about him, like you are.

If this is your way of dipping your toe into the dating scene, it's not going to end well. You need to tell him to fuck off back to America, get on a dating site and go on LOADS of dates to remind yourself that this tosser is not your only option. Like immersion therapy.

Mandy2003 Thu 13-Mar-14 19:05:14

Wish there was a like button craic. I do agree with what you say.

I looked at a dating site recently (Match) and found it unbelievably fake sad I couldn't justify the cost but did wink at a bodybuilding Brazilian biker - got a reply full of slush and mush.

Also, due to my disabilities and CFS I don't seem to have the energy to "put myself on the dating market".

I liked what I had, just had my head turned with the promise of a shag sad

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