Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I think I am the only person in the entire world who does not want sex

(77 Posts)
SadFreak Mon 13-Jan-14 00:51:39

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why cant I just be like everyone else?

The whole world is shagging. Every fucking thing seems to revolve around sex and innuendos and I am like such sad fucking cold fish. A freak.

And now my marriage is fucked up. Why cant I just be normal?

Am sat here in floods of tears wondering where the fuck I go from here.

My options laid out to me this evening are:

1: Attempt a proper marriage with sex

2: We attempt a sexless marriage (done that and its failed - see options below)

3: We live as we are now as friends but DH continues to hook up with randoms he meets on the internet for sex discreetly

4: We seperate

He so say loves me but resents me for the lack of sex.

He has a point, I struggle to do it. I rarely get the urge.

There is a back story. Tonight I found another phone which apparently has his hook ups and sex chat on it. He would not let me see it but finally admitted to it. I discovered similar a few years ago and we tried to work through it but I cant face sex with him as I "know" where he has been and moreless what he has done - seen the details of anal etc in chat. Its the lack of sex thats driven him to do this.

Its all my fault because I am a shit wife. Why can I not be like everyone else in the world and be gagging for sex morning noon and night.

I know all this is my fault. I have been evil and selfish denying him sex and yet expecting him to love me and stay faithful. Although this is a shock I have suspected for a long while and yet I did nothing. I dont understand why I am so shocked and hurt tonight. I am being over dramatic when I dont deserve to be. I have brought this on us.

I fucking hate myself right now. I feel like dissapearring off the face of the earth to some cave where a freak like me can exist all on my own but despite my obvious sexual abnormality I am a mum to 2 beautiful girls who I adore and need me, so there is no escape.

Just sat here shaking, crying and like my head will burst. Sorry if I am waffling, I am not thinking straight.

CouthyMow Mon 13-Jan-14 00:58:45

Um, it is not 'abnormal' to be too tired for sex when you have two young DC's.

What IS abnormal is your acceptance of your partner's cheating. He's really done a number on you, hasn't he?!

You must have had sex at some point, to have DC's. You admit yourself that it is the knowledge of the facts of his PREVIOUS cheating that leaves you not wanting sex with him.

THAT'S HIS FAULT, NOT YOURS!

If he would rather go shagging around STILL than actually work on gaining your forgiveness for his previous cheating, then it shows a stunning lack of respect for your feelings.

What he is doing is trying to use the fact that you "aren't having enough sex with him" to try to justify his cheating, to 'excuse' it in his mind.

BUT IT'S NO EXCUSE.

He ISN'T going to stop cheating on you. Can you cope with that? I wouldn't, and couldn't, when I was in that situation.

You are worth more than that. Nobody will blame you for ending a relationship when HE is cheating, and has obviously been doing so for quite some time. HE is to blame.

NatashaBee Mon 13-Jan-14 00:59:55

Your partner sounds like a twat. I'm not surprised you don't want to have sex with him.

CouthyMow Mon 13-Jan-14 01:01:45

You are NOT 'evil and selfish' for 'denying' him sex - it's hardly denying him when he's getting it elsewhere, is it?!

HE is 'evil and selfish' for caring more about dipping his wick here there and everywhere irrespective if the effect on your feelings and emotions, AND the effects that it will have on your DC's.

What would you advise if one of your DD's partners were acting in this way towards them?

CouthyMow Mon 13-Jan-14 01:02:13

My feelings exactly, Natashabee.

Offred Mon 13-Jan-14 01:04:10

You are not abnormal at all and he is an utter cunt.

I am so sad for you that he's made you feel the way he has.

He sounds like he feels entitled to abuse women for his own pleasure and even before you discovered his massive infidelity this is not attractive in a sexual partner. I'm not surprised at all that he has killed your sex drive and he is beyond wrong in saying you drove him to behave so terribly. sad

CouthyMow Mon 13-Jan-14 01:08:57

And I'll bet HE was the twat telling you that you are being 'overdramatic' too.

It wouldn't even be 'overdramatic' in this situation to bag up the cheating scumbag's stuff and throw it out of the front door, along with him.

If anything, you are being UNDER dramatic!

You gave him a chance and he's shit on that chance from a great height. He is not going to change. And he thinks that you are going to continue to let him have his cushy home life where everything is done for him whilst he continues to shag anyone he feels like. He doesn't think you will kick him out. He's so sure of this that he is riding roughshod over your feelings safe (in his mind) in the knowledge that he can carry on doing what he wants.

Is he this much of a cunt in the rest of your relationship? How much help does he give you with the DC's? How much time away from the DC's does he give you, to go out with your friends?

And, I hate to say this, but if you HAVE had unprotected sex with him at all, since the FIRST time you found evidence of him cheating, you will need to go for an STI test.

CouthyMow Mon 13-Jan-14 01:11:59

And it isn't the 'lack of sex' that has driven him to it. It's the fact that he's a cheating bastard that has driven him to it. HIS failing, NOT yours.

BOFtastic Mon 13-Jan-14 01:12:05

You are not sad or freakish, my love. You are in a relationship with a dickhead, tis all.

CouthyMow Mon 13-Jan-14 01:16:30

And didn't your wedding vows include the words "foresaking all others". That means, in layman's terms, that your husband might understand "not shagging other people".

That is why you expected him to be faithful - you made wedding vows!

It's not your fault AT ALL.

A loving, caring husband would not cheat.

A husband that HAS cheated but still loved and cared for their wife would do his very best to be the model husband, and certainly wouldn't continue to cheat.

A husband that continues to cheat despite knowing how much it is affecting his wife is just a cunt...

CouthyMow Mon 13-Jan-14 01:17:00

BOF, you say it so well! wink

LineRunner Mon 13-Jan-14 01:42:27

OP, I think that you need to pick option (4) Separate.

And this is not your fault. Find some happiness without this millstone man round your neck.

differentnameforthis Mon 13-Jan-14 01:44:27

Why can I not be like everyone else in the world and be gagging for sex morning noon and night.

Firstly, not everyone else in the world is gagging for sex. That its a myth you have been fed because it suits society to have us think we are weird if we don't like sex. SO much is put into sex, like it is the cure all for everything. Sometimes it is just messy & unnecessary. smile

has his hook up REALLY come from lack of sex, or has YOUR lost libido come form his recurrent hook ups & cheating?

Also, lack of sex at home IS not an excuse to get it elsewhere, nor does it make YOU a crap wife.

differentnameforthis Mon 13-Jan-14 01:45:00

have his hook ups

differentnameforthis Mon 13-Jan-14 01:47:29

freak
evil
selfish
abnormal
shit wife

Who has told you this so much that you believe it to be true? sad

sydlexic Mon 13-Jan-14 01:49:16

When you find a decent man you will find your libido miraculously returns.

SadFreak Mon 13-Jan-14 02:21:59

My kids are not young anymore. Teens.

Its been a seriously long time with only a random duty shag inbetween.

Its a circle of fuck up really.

When DD2 was 2 or 3 (DD1 would have been 4 or 5) we were not having hardly any sex at all. Once a month at a guess but I cannot recall.

It was at this time he started to cheat the first time. It took me 5 years to find out and realise. All that time we were hardly shagging.

Looking back now I can see he was obvs getting it elsewhere so kind of checking out of the relationship. I felt tired, fed up with the young kids and a bit put upon but also relieved the pressure for sex was not such a constant anymore. DD2 was a reflux baby and cried and cried for ever. I think she was 3 before I felt awake enough to really fall totally in love with her and actually start enjoying her as a little person if that makes sense (I always loved her but was just dead on my feet). Before that she was just hard work - not her fault nor an excuse but I was so sleep deprived.

Anyway - it took me 5 years to find out what he was upto. That was a total shock. I found his phone lying about and it just hit me in a flash that he NEVER EVER left his phone anywhere normally. I immeadiately thought something (not sure what) and found myself snooping through it and there were over 50 women on his phone. We seperated for a little while then got back together. I struggled sex wise tbh. I did enjoy it but knew/felt like the boring little wife not some wannabe porn star ripping open my arsehole open over the back of a seat in our car in some layby for seedy dirty exciting sex. The sex chat I had read and the women I spoke to who described what they did have just never left me. I not only feel I cant compare sexually but also actually a bit icky about where he has been.

I forgot to add that I did send him to the GUM clinic before we reconciled and he got a clean bill of health by some miracle.

I tried but couldnt be a performing monkey. Our sex life slipped and then I began to suspect -I was always looking for signs he was upto no good and there were pointers but never ever anything to actually confirm I was not just a paranoid jealous nutter.

Then it gets worse. I think I got to a point where I suspected so much but could not/did not want to acknowledge it. I was still looking for signs and seeing the odd thing that made me think perhaps something was wrong/going on but it could always be explained away (I rarely confronted him tbh) I would explain it away myself. WTF??? Why?? I think I didnt want to face upto it but at the same time I stopped having sex with him because I was scared of where he may have been. Scared of getting an STI. So the circle of madness continued. He got less sex at home so went elsewhere.

Why I didnt actually realise if he was no longer pressurising me for sex then her must be getting it elsewhere I dont know. The wierd thing is that once again, my subconcious realised this but I never acknowledged it.

So see - it is my fault. I am hurt all over again because I have brought this on myself.

I need to act but an terrified. No job. No income. Financially reliant on DH. I have a selection day this week for a job and hope it will lead to an interview (planned before all this). I am trying to get back out into the real world.

My DD is year 10 and having issues at school. She isnt in a good place I think us seperating may tip her over the edge.

If we split where will I go (tied housing with HIS job), what will I do and what will I tell everyone. I am so ashamed and embarrassed I am such a cold fish I drove him to shag randoms off the internet. If I tell anyone in RL the truth of what he has done then I can expect everyine to know I am a sad frigid cow.

I still love him too. OMG I am so pathetic.

Sorry for being so woe is me. I am a mess tonight. I am normally quite together but I am overflowing with shit/emotion tonight.

SadFreak Mon 13-Jan-14 02:28:04

The only positive I can think of tonight is that I now know I wasnt going mad or insane or being paranoid. All the tell tale signs I kept thinking I was seeing have been real. I almost feel relieved that for the past 18 months I have not been imagining stuff.

I also think he may have gone for a quickie yesterday afternoon when at 3pm he announced an impromptu shopping trip just after I had settle down to do something with DD2. I was cooking a roast and said I would dish up at 7. I dished up at 6.15 as the chicken was cooked and text him I was dishing up but he still strolled in at 7.15 with no shopping and even admitting he "forgot" his wallet!

CouthyMow Mon 13-Jan-14 02:39:21

What a git.

Look, I can understand about your eldest, 14/15 is a crap age, but if you leave it and then split up next year, it would be worse. Better off this year than next, really.

And you can't keep putting yourself last. Yes, I understand you want to keep stress to a minimum, but you can't say that it's not stressful with him keep pissing off to shag randoms.

Good luck for the job interview - it will give you something to focus on, but it is still possible to leave even without that. He will have to pay maintenance, plus there is benefits while you get back on your feet, if you chose to leave. Don't let that put you off!

CouthyMow Mon 13-Jan-14 02:40:27

And how did you bring this on yourself? I don't think you were the one fucking other people, were you?!

He made you think that way because it suited HIM.

CouthyMow Mon 13-Jan-14 02:43:03

Why are YOU embarrassed? HE was the one shagging around and breaking his wedding vows, not you.

HE is the one that should be embarrassed. And all you have to tell people is the truth - he was caught cheating, I gave him another chance, but he continued to cheat with me with people from sleazy chat sites.

When people know the truth, they will think HE'S the grotty one, not you!

CouthyMow Mon 13-Jan-14 02:44:32

No, people WON'T think that you are a 'sad frigid cow', they will think HE is some grotty sleazebag. Because he is.

TheVictorian Mon 13-Jan-14 03:02:57

one point of view is that you could have an open relationship where you both stay together and your dp takes care of his urges and keeps the details to himself so he does not hurt you. (im not advocating that you do this im just offering it as a point of view to consider)

twolittlebundles Mon 13-Jan-14 03:06:26

OP, he is the one with the issue, not you. 100% of the posters on this thread are telling you that. We're telling you the truth.

He is the only one trying to pin his behaviour on you. He's behaved like an arse, and actually, if all of this is going on, so very obviously in your house, your DD might actually feel a little better if it was out in the open, rather than simmering away underneath everything. It's much easier to handle the truth when it is out in the open, rather than ignored.

differentnameforthis Mon 13-Jan-14 07:01:32

Please stop calling yourself such horrid names & being cruel to yourself.

NONE of this is your fault! He cheated, put him, you & your family in danger of disease!

He popped out for what you assume is a quicky, while you cooked him a meal & looked after the children.

Don't do this to yourself, op! You deserve better.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 13-Jan-14 07:16:00

I'm sorry you felt you had to stay married at all costs and I'm sorry you blame yourself now. Truth is you probably should have called it quits when you first knew this man was cheating. He has nothing but contempt & disrespect for you. Resentment and mistrust do not make for a happy, intimate, loving relationship.

Please get legal advice and some good information on what your rights would be in the event of a split. Right now it's fear of 'how will I manage?' that is still keeping you trapped but there is help and you have options. If your DD is having emotional problems it may be in part because she lives in such a dysfunctional environment.

It is not acceptable that he expects you to sit meekly home while he goes out screwing around. Please talk to someone you can trust.

CityTiliDie Mon 13-Jan-14 07:21:08

My DW doesnt like sex much and has a very low libido, we have been married for 13 years have one dc and have sex about every 4 weeks and often it could be months in between DTD but in all that time I have never been tempted to stray or shag another woman.
I love and respect my DW way too much to do that.
We have been through all sorts of crap because of it but because I LOVE my DW I have got help me to deal with her low libido and we are as strong as ever.

Your H is a TWAT!

None of this is your fault.

Get your self respect back and leave the wanker and while your are at it get a STD check too.

Stay strong and get your life back.

You can do it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 13-Jan-14 07:35:33

BTW.... Domestic violence takes many forms. He may never hit you and I see you refer to yourself as being 'friends' but, in coercing you to not only tolerate but condone his repeated and blatant infidelity, and in causing you severe mental distress and self-hatred in the process, your relationship is almost certainly abusive. He is not your friend.

Fairylea Mon 13-Jan-14 07:35:49

None of this is your fault.

I suspect it's all stemmed from the fact that when the dc were babies he hardly helped, you were exhausted, sex became another chore (and I don't blame you feeling that way, it's normal) but instead of letting that pass and talking together he went and shagged someone else.

That would kill my interest in sex too. Completely.

I'm not surprised you've never managed to get any desire for him back. It's ok you know. You are normal!!

Plus not everyone is swinging from the chandeliers. People talk about sex generally generally far more than they have it.

You need some time alone, away from him. He's fucked with your head and you deserve better.

LegoCaltrops Mon 13-Jan-14 07:39:02

CityTillIDie - thankyou! Pretty much what I was going to say, but you said it from the man's perspective.

Since our DD was born, my libido has almost vanished. What little is left, is squashed by our both being exhausted. My DH is very patient about this. He says he'd rather spend the rest of his life having no sex with me, than have sex with anyone else. It will come back eventually, probably a hell of a lot faster because I feel loved & supported & he tells me often that he finds me sexy.

Your husband sounds like an EA, manipulative twat.

Rooners Mon 13-Jan-14 07:54:24

In your situation I'd be grateful that I hadn't been sleeping with him very much as it would have helped protect against any sexually transmitted illnesses he may have contracted from his many encounters.

Perhaps part of it is your body trying to protect you.

I am desperately sorry that you are in this situation and that you're married to such a horrible man x

MissPryde Mon 13-Jan-14 07:59:24

Your husband is an emotionally abusive douchebag. I'm sorry for being blunt, but I've been there, and it's amazing what they can run on you.

None of the negative feelings you have about yourself are deserved. Nothing you did drove him to cheat. Cheaters cheat. A loving, emotionally available husband would be understanding of the exhaustion and loss of libido taking care of small children leads to. He made his vows to you. A proper man would go without, he wouldn't seek sex from another source.

And you should not feel you have to act like a porn star, ever. Sex in a loving relationship is comfortable and enjoyed by both, it isn't a performance. A partner should not push you into any sex acts you do not want.

Seek help and get out. I hope all goes well with this job. Are there any relatives you could turn to? I believe ending things with the bastard will be far better for your daughter in the long term - some of her problems may stem from this happening around her. Good luck op. I hope it all works out.

And again, do not blame yourself. You sound like a lovely, caring person and mother. I'm sorry your husband has twisted your view.

birthdaywrappingpaper Mon 13-Jan-14 08:12:29

I have been in the same situation. Pressure to have sex (that I did not want, no feelings that way left) to keep the marriage going as HE needed sex. And it was all my fault.

Back story, he raped me after birth of first child. I suggested we tried it, it hurt, he ignored me when I told him to stop.

Also had youngest who didn't sleep at all for 2.5years, I to was exhausted.

He was also (as your dh is) emotionally abusive.

He did absolutely NOTHING round the house, inc bills, arranging repairs, diy (he oiled a door twice in 8 years...woopeedo).

As above I was exhausted and after the rape I actually didn't really want him near me. I did not trust him. He also had sex in a porn star way...I look back now and its like he mentally had an audience...!

I too had duty sex, made me feel like a prostitute too. I only did it to keep the marriage going for the children, I didn't want to be a one parent family.

He also did not allow me to get out and about, I had one night a fortnight (reluctantly given) to go out, but if he decided he wanted that night, he would just tell me at he last minute 'no i'm going out its x's bday/xmas night out' etc and go, leaving me with children again.

He never did anything special to make me feel special/wanted/loved/cared for, no hugs, ever.

He kept all our savings in his name, so I had to ask for extra money to get repairs done etc, apparently I should have saved up out of my housekeeping money. It was also not enough for clothes for myself or shoes, just had to go overdrawn. And he earned A LOT of money.

Oh and he never ever praised my parenting of the children.

He made me feel like it was all my fault that I did not want sex.

It was a sexually/financially/emotionally abusive relationship.

When we went to separate he blackmailed me to go to relate about our relationship, he told me that I dare not go as I was too embarressed by my behaviour (lack of housework/poor parenting) and she would expose me. Bloody didn't, it exposed him, end of the first session she had me speaking to womans aid and the HV.

He told me that the reasons for getting a divorce from a such a good marriage were so frivolous that most likely I would not get any benefits.

He emphasised how hard it is to be a lone parent, over and over again.

He's a dickhead.

I got lots of support from relate, hv, social services, domestic abuse servies (tho they do back off after threat is over), gp's, police, friends (always always speak to friends how you are feeling DON'T shut down! It weakens your resolve and you end up listening to HIS voice instead of theirs), the local sure start centre. They all helped me.

It is not your fault for not wanting sex. He should have been a good enough husband to you. But he wasn't. He was/is an abusive husband.

Use a free half hour to speak to a few solicitors (that way you also get an hour and half of advice, most of it the same, some different and helpful ;) ). Go online and use the benefits calculator. Housing wise, speak to your housing association, explain your circumstances.

Whatever you do, get out. Listen to your gut feeling. This is not right what he is doing to you. Get angry. Get really angry with him. And use that anger to fight back. You CAN do it.

As for the children, I found mine were better after he went, not immediately better, but we are a close unit now, he used to divide and conquer with us. He tries that still, but as I have them the most of the time...it doesn't work quite as well.

Oh and sex wise, its been 2 years ish, I still joke to people that I don't need contraceptives anymore, I just remember my ex. He's put me off sex for life.

Anyway. C'mon, think all this through, LISTEN to what makes sense from what people have said on here. And when you are ready, start googling. Don't listen to his voice, its hard I know when they are digging at your deepest fears, listen to ours, we'll help get you back up again and get your happiness back smile.

And have on repeat The Wanker Song

SadFreak Mon 13-Jan-14 16:19:16

Thank you for your replies. Its reassuring that someone else kind of knows what it feels like.

I am just sat here in despair. Dont know what to say or think.

Infact I have been busy all day doing various shitty jobs that needed doing but think I have been avoiding thinking about it.

I just want to be on my own right now to try and think straight. I cant even think. FFS I need to get a grip of myself.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 13-Jan-14 16:21:56

If you want to be alone, there's nothing whatsoever stopping you from telling him to leave for a while. He's set out various horrible choices for you which included '4. We separate'. Call his bluff, take him up on the offer and give yourself chance to think perhaps.

SadFreak Mon 13-Jan-14 16:49:17

yes you are right. I know you are. I just have no backbone.

It's just hit me the actusl realisation he has been doing this most probably for the past 10 yearssad

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 13-Jan-14 16:53:37

It's OK... can take a bit of a run-up to go from realisation of the truth to having the strength to assert yourself. Easier said than done, I know. Besides which, years of being told you're a crap wife that is to blame for his affairs won't have helped your confidence. Give it time though and something will happen to finally spark your anger.

Do you have no-one you trust IRL that you can talk about this to?

birthdaywrappingpaper Mon 13-Jan-14 16:56:46

You don't have to do anything yet. I found just mulling it over in the back of my mind (for nearly a year!) and coming to terms with what was happening, working things out financially, gradually helped me change the balance in the relationship. I felt more in control, secure, ready to ask him to go and have everything in place. It comes to a natural tipping point I found. Don't get into stress over it. Start telling people about his behaviour. It is disgusting, no one (bar maybe his mother) will support him doing this to you. You don't ahve to mention the sex between you. Are there any supportive friends you could confide in? Just one?

Meerka Mon 13-Jan-14 17:09:15

sadfreak just want to say one thing:

Some people do have lower levels of sexual desire.

And there's nothing wrong with that!

Do you have any idea if you would enjoy sex in different circumstances? Do you ever get the urge? (even if you're thinking of someone other than Mr Shagaround). Do you keep yourself happy that way now and then? or is it something you just aren't bothered about?

But I think it's impossible for you to tell what your levels of sexual desire are or aren't because who can fancy a man who they can't trust and who doesn't help them? Trust is essential to relaxing which is essential to having good sex. No trust? Hello, no interest.

SadFreak Mon 13-Jan-14 17:10:13

thanks for being here ladies and not thinking ffs get a grip which tbh is probably what I would think if this was not me.

There is only one person who knows the full story inyil last summer and that's my best mate. She lives 1 and a half hours away and has not spoken to me since Sept or October. We have not fallen out but drifted because of busy lives (I have posted under my usual name about how sad I was about this)
I also suspect I pissed her off a little bit as she was the only person I could chat to about my marriage and think I got a bit like a scratched record. There is deffo an atmosphere between her and me ight now.

I will get a grip just right now I just feel so ... I don't know kind of utterly deflated.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 13-Jan-14 17:15:09

Having been the friend in this situation, you're right. The 'scratched record' thing can get annoying if someone won't take the step from 'complaining' to 'acting'. Sympathy is finite. However, if you are tipping more towards acting and you want to run an exit plan past her I bet she'd be thrilled to hear about it.

Mouldypineapple Mon 13-Jan-14 17:35:38

You've got a lot to think about right now. Lots of good advice here, no rush. Just take things slowly, one day at a time and think calmly about who might be able to help you - friends, family etc The advice about solicitors is good, try it or the CAB, find out what help is out there in your area for your individual situation. Once you have info you will feel better equipped to take the next step. Your children may well feel relieved once you're away from this man. They're not daft, they'll be able to see how unhappy you are even if they don't know all the reasons why. Slowly, slowly you'll find a way through this to a much happier life. One that you're perfectly entitled to away from this bully.

birthdaywrappingpaper Mon 13-Jan-14 17:38:15

Deflated will turn into action smile You can feel totally beaten one day and the next be up and fighting...you will get there.

Anyone else you can talk to? I bent my friends ears about it...I have five friends I told, and I made sure I took turns bending their ear about it! Some of them were not that close, but as the ex's behaviour was so disgusting I saw no point worrying about it being talked about by accident...I did pretty much trust them not to say anything. I tell anyone now about his behaviour.

Your ex has A LOT to be ashamed about.

lifehasafunnywayofhelpinguout Mon 13-Jan-14 20:42:59

Stop being so cruel to your self. You are not the one in the wrong. Not having sex does not make a women a freak what a horrible word. Not just to use about yourself but what if a women was abstient from sex due to a rape... Also some people are Asexual and have to sexual desire It 's your body if you don't want sex then what concern is it of other people. Also I sorry to state the bleeding obvious but I think it's clear you have has sex in the past hence the production of your beautiful children. xxx

SadFreak Mon 13-Jan-14 23:13:04

Well I am in bed and he is snoring away downstairs on the sofa.

I want to sleep as I hardly did last night. I have college tomorrow and so far am doing well on this course so need a good nights sleep to face tomorrow. I am terrified of turning out the light and lying down because the tears are already in my eyes. I just know I will spend another long night crying into my pillow. I am terrified I will lose the plot in college tomorrow. I just need to keep it together.

Silly silly thoughts come into my head some nice from when we were happy and had so many hopes and plans for our future and others vile and horrid as the penny drops as to where he was all those times he popped into work or out to the shops over christmas.

I feel out of control of my emotions and thoughts and its scarey tbh.

SadFreak Mon 13-Jan-14 23:15:31

Sorry to keep moaning this is my only outlet right now. Thank you so much for reading/listening.

I am reading and taking on board what you are advising and telling me.

Offred Mon 13-Jan-14 23:21:19

Oh sad sad

It will be ok. It's a massive hurt you have to be kind to yourself. Try not to worry about college and sleep. If you can't sleep worrying about it won't help. Could you talk to college and see about special consideration/emotional support?

AnyFucker Mon 13-Jan-14 23:32:46

Make 2014 the year you finally put this awful relationship to it's final sleep.

This man is only ever going to make you unhappy. He is going to make you ill and he gives not one shit about that fact. Don't let him do that to you.

Pleasetryan0ther Mon 13-Jan-14 23:41:48

Does your college have a counselling service? They might be able to give you a few sessions at low cost, just to help you focus on what you want to do now.

idlevice Mon 13-Jan-14 23:43:41

I don't know how you can bear to have this prick in the house. Sorry that's not very supportive but I am so angry on your behalf.

Can you get some space away from him to gain some perspective & think, maybe in a few days once you have got over the shock of this latest (& final) realisation? There will be a lot of messy stuff in your head & heart but you need to make a practical plan of action for your sake and DCs. There is a lot on MN in the way of what you need to do practically, fortunately so it can be of support, but also unfortunately because there are so many wankers that treat their supposed loved ones like this . . far, far too many.

Although you have gone through shit times you got yourself through them so you have the inner strength & resources to draw on to work your way to a better place, even if it doesn't feel like it. Do try to hook up with your friend if there's no-one else - she must have been a decent sort if you were friends before so I'm sure she'd step us, any of us here would, in a heartbeat.

AnyFucker Mon 13-Jan-14 23:48:23

I really hope this is the final realisation, love. You cannot live like this and stay healthy to bring up your dc in the way they deserve

End this farce, for everyone's sake

birthdaywrappingpaper Tue 14-Jan-14 08:06:25

Cry if you need too xx

You've had an awful shock, just try and imagine if a friend told you her husband had done all he has done to you? Would you just tell her its her fault, what would you say/recommend?

Counselling at college, I second that. You don't have to tell them anything you are not comfortable saying. You did not drive him to this. He CHOSE to do this. How can you trust anyone who does this? You should be best mates, and you wouldn't lie to a mate this much.

Its normal to feel sad about the past, your saying goodbye and grieving what was and what could have been, its okay to feel sad.

Be kind to yourself today. Can you email your tutor before you get into college explaining that there are domestic issues (they can read between the lines) and if you are hoping to attend lectures however that is a chance you will be too upset or may have to leave class. Or that you may be going to see the councellor. That will take pressure off having to explain to tutor under pressure in person (I've been there, tears squirting from eyes I was so emotional).

You can get through today, one step at a time...

SadFreak Wed 15-Jan-14 23:19:06

sad sad Well I hardly have the energy to write it all out but basically in the past 4 days my whole world has imploded
I seem to be stuck in a never ending shitfest and the shit keeps coming. I can't even cry at the moment despite wanting to.
Fil has terminal cancer and taken a turn for the worse. So h has been up north seeing him so no chance to chat and I am left feeling shit for not offering more comfort and support to him.
My dad is in hospital unexpectedly. First time seeing a dr since 1980! Supposed to be having an op tomorrow. I can't get there.
Dd1 is in a bad wsy with bring bullied at school. The bullying by exclusion snd do low key the girls responsible cannot be punished.
My gp has called me in yo talk about a suspicious mole I had picture sent away for.
Car broken down.
Bsnk hsve funked up some pretty important admin.
Am bogged down with paperwork that I sit snd look at snd can't process.
Best mate has not returned my calls.
So all in all I zm having a shit week and feeling utterly flat.
I suppose i must cheek cling onto the fact that next week is probably going to be better cos surely it cannot be as shit as this.

iamonthepursuitofhappiness Wed 15-Jan-14 23:28:00

Um, you might find you want sex again when you're not with a man that has a phone for hook ups.

Of course you're not going to want to have sex with him given the circumstances, what you feel is normal and does not make you a shit wife or any such thing. He is a shit husband though.

LittleBabyPigsus Wed 15-Jan-14 23:38:55

First off, your husband is a shit.

Secondly, lots of people don't want sex. They are asexual. Not saying you are (although you might be, and if you are that is perfectly fine and normal and many asexual people have happy marriages). Even non-asexual people who just have lower than average sex drives are perfectly fine and normal. You are not a shit wife, he is a shit husband.

If you have never wanted sex, have a look on the AVEN website for support for asexuality. If you have a low sex drive, know that you are perfectly normal and no, not everyone else is having sex. Like others have said, you may well find your libido picking up once you're with a decent person!

I have depression and my libido is pretty much nil at the moment. And you know what, that's fine. Even if I wasn't ill, it would still be fine. Not wanting sex is a normal variation of the human sexuality scale.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Thu 16-Jan-14 08:44:08

Stop right there SAD! First, change your MN name. Second read and re-read all of the thread so far. Please do it but the second or third time, imagine it was posted by one of your DDs. This will help you get a more rounded view of the situation that all the other posters on here can see. Get advice, make a plan and get away from this draining ghastly entitled tosser you call a husband. Your post reads that you think it is all your fault but it really is not, HE checked out when you were knackered with HIS kids. You need to get a damn sight angrier than you are. There are ways out of your situation practically, you just need to get the knowledge of how. Staying is not an option for your mental health long term.

Offred Thu 16-Jan-14 09:05:43

I'm sorry so much crap has landed on your plate this week, you're right, next week can only be better. Keep calling your best mate and don't let your h guilt trip you. He doesn't deserve your support given how he has treated you so if you can't give it don't feel bad, focus on getting what you need to sorted out. X

birthdaywrappingpaper Fri 17-Jan-14 18:20:40

Keep holding on, when it gets this bad you need to chose to laugh or cry or something in between.

Do what you can. And leave the rest. Come on here for support for any individual things, ie post in health re the health issues.

You can't do everything. And if I were you, just leave off the feeling guilty about not supporting your husband with what he is going through. Tough on him!

Just keep ploughing on, it will get better...

AngelaDaviesHair Fri 17-Jan-14 18:25:10

Separate. I think you have to really. But please, for heaven's sake don't take the blame.

SadFreak Sun 19-Jan-14 00:49:47

Still going around in circles.

DH is away seeing his father who is sadly coming to the end of his life with incurable cancer. His fathers health has taken a sudden decline this past week and he was called up by his family to go up there.

I am just glad of the space and time to think although there is so much other shit going on as well its not quite as much time as I need or would like but the space is very welcome to me atm.

DH seems to be treating me/acting as normal though and its really starting to fuck me off now.

All last week I was in such a sickened daze I literally was just going through the motions every day and just didnt really pick him up on it too much but Friday took the piss when he as usual disorganised and getting ready to go back up north and (he had been there and then came back and then called to go back) and he was asking me to get him things as if we were a normal married couple. Things like "ooh can you get my razor from the bathroom". No big deal but I am thinking FUCK YOU!! Crazy thing is I just did it hmm.

Today he called me and I was out - Dorothy Perkins fitting room trying on interview clothes. He called about some official banking stuff we needed to sort (he had sorted it) and then started saying "oh enjoy your shopping trip babe blah blah blah" - Just as if we were all OK. Anyway I kind of snapped and silenced the fitting room when I said "Dont treat me like I am out on a jolly old happy trip, my whole fucking world has fallen apart this week. I am not out enjoying myself" I probably would have done worse if I had not been in public.

Anyway I think he finally twigged all is not rosy.

Seriously though so fucking angry at him. angry

So anyway before all that I have done lots of thinking and cleared out the bedroom (he is on the sofa when he is at home at the mo) I was deep cleaning our room - not sure why. Anyway I came across some old diaries of mine. They are not complete. I never manage to keep one running for very long but I found completed entries I had made in 2011,12 and 13. Some of it made pretty disturbing reading. I sound really down in some of the entries. That was an eye opener.

Yesterday I considered packing his shit into bags and booting him out but I bottled it. One minute I want to boot him out and end it then next I recall all out happy times and dont want to be without him. Then add into the mix his Dad is dying. I just dont have it in me (despite what a bastard he has been to me) to end out marriage when his Dad is about to die.

I think I am making excuses not to leave him.

He sent me a text this evening saying believe it or not I do actually Love you.

I cried.

I know all what I have written is waffle. I am just getting it down cos I cant make sense of it in my head.

idlevice Sun 19-Jan-14 01:10:18

Yes, sounds like excuses. I don't know how you could forgive or forget him causing you years of misery. But if you think you could possibly stay with him is there a way that could happen? Him renouncing his shit & going to couple counselling? I really don't think it would be advisable, given past & recent events but you have to go forward with something practical eventually.

Please, please change your username. It may seem small & trivial but there is no need to continue to put yourself down in that way. It comes across as self-hatred. In fact, have you considered personal counselling for yourself at all given you seem to have experienced a long period of negativity, having suppressed your own emotions & feelings for quite some time? That could be another practical step for your future.

SadFreak Tue 11-Feb-14 03:28:29

Have hardly seen my husband as he is away with his family due to his father being seriously ill.
I finally told someone in rl today. They were horrified.
I now know because I have finally admitted it to someone else that this is mad. I know we have to seperate. The penny has finally dropped.
I am scared.
My tummy is in knots.
I have this urge to cry. I have had it for the past 3 weeks. The odd tear sneaks out but I feel like I need to bawl andcscream but nothing comes.
I feel shaky and sometimes I can't stop the shakes.
I feel weirdly detached like this isn't really happening.
I want to feel normal again.
I cannot sleep. I am so tired. I have been living on 3 to 4 hours sleep a night for a month now.
I have to give a presentation at college in 6 hours and have not been to sleep yet.
Sorry for waffling on but at 3.25am I have no one else to moan to.

SadFreak Tue 11-Feb-14 03:31:34

How the hell am I going to tell people and family why we are splitting?
Wtf do I say to my teen dc?

catfourfeet Tue 11-Feb-14 03:53:36

Hi

I don't have anything to add to the pp but didn't b want to leave you unanswered.

You will get through the presentation, you are stronger , so much stronger than you beliv

FadBook Tue 11-Feb-14 04:29:28

I have no experience of splitting or divorcing but have read all of the thread and want to offer a hand hold

You are so strong and do not deserve this shit

Your dc's are not blind; they will suspect something is up. I would have both you and 'H' tell them together that you both have grown apart. It's tempting to tell them about infidelity but it's not worth it. They need to know they're both loved and supported.

As for telling family "why" - you don't have to say anything. You could say the minimum - "infidelity, we couldn't come back from it"
You could say all of it - "my husband slept with other people, instead of supporting me and looking at ways to save our marriage"

You can do this Sad, you've done nothing wrong; this man checked out of your marriage 10 years ago when he first cheated. He's getting off lightly because you keep blaming yourself for his actions. He stuck his dick in someone else 10 years ago - you didn't force him, he made that choice. And yes, he had a choice.

SadFreak Tue 11-Feb-14 04:52:21

Thank you for your support. I know you are right. I just need to grow a backbone and start believing it.

FadBook Tue 11-Feb-14 05:00:43

You'll start believing soon.

You'll turn a corner a little every day, and before you know it, you'll be that person that got through a divorce.

Hug from me to you at 5am smile

DCRbye Tue 11-Feb-14 20:22:18

SadFreak, you will get there. Bit by bit day by day.

savemefromrickets Tue 11-Feb-14 22:36:02

I don't have time to read your thread but just want to say that in my experience your sex drive can reappear with a vengeance, god help the poor man when you are with someone who loves you and treats you with respect and doesn't hook up with random women.

I had zero sex drive at the end of my last relationship. Neither did DP in his. Now we'd give teenagers a run for their money.

HoneyandRum Wed 12-Feb-14 07:47:48

OP all your descriptions of how you are feeling are the effects of shock. You are still in a state of shock and who knows how long it will last, but there will be a time when you can feel and express the emotion that seems so frozen right now. It is a normal reaction to what you are experiencing. I would definitely get more support and help in RL, keeping everything to yourself may make it harder to process.

Melonbreath Wed 12-Feb-14 12:39:18

I wouldn't want to have sex with your husband either. Anyone who hooks up like that is a serious turn off.

He's a twat.

I didn't sleep with my husband for over a year after dd was born and he didn't go getting it elsewhere as he didn't want to do it with anyone else because.... I'm his wife and he does it with me or doesn't do it.

halfwildlingwoman Wed 12-Feb-14 13:09:51

OP, just here to hand hold for a minute.
You tell your children that you and their dad love them very very much and that won't change, ever. However, you and their dad make each other unhappy and can't live together any more. I promise you that things will get better for them and well as you.
The issue of sex is a non-issue in a way. You are normal to want it/not want it/ only want it once a fortnight/only want it missionary/only after giggling a lot. You may be asexual, you may be a tigress in the future. Whatever. None of that matters. He broke his marriage vows. He prioritised casual sex over talking to his wife, making her feel happy and loved and cherished and supported. He created this situation, not you.
I wish you were my best friend. She has decided to stay with her cheating P. I am longing for the day that she calls me and says she's leaving. I'll be straight up there to pack up her stuff with a bottle of bubbly.
It's going to be OK.
x

SadFreak Wed 12-Feb-14 13:12:02

I know you are all right. I have moments of anger. moments of complete sadness. moments of failiure. Moments of just utter despair.

There is a part of me that is not ready to let go of my old life - they life I thought I had - I am still processing and slowly accepting the life I thought I had did not exist really and that is my stumbling block. I am really struggling to actually accept/believe he has done this although (dont get me wrong) I DO KNOW HE HAS.

I am so utterly exhausted and run down through sleepless nights, brain overload and crying etc that every now and again I feel I am not dtrong enough to face the upheaval of seperation, telling the kids etc.

I do know I have to though - its just tempting (and easy because he is not here at the moment) to not have the mental thought process of the what the fuck do I do and where the fuck do I go.

I have started to work out a plan in my head although it all seems the otherside of a steep mountain.

Uuuurrrrgggghhh. It makes me feel sick. There are loads of women queueing up to shag him. I am no prude really. I am the type of person that thinks if someone (single) wants to do whatever with who ever whenever then thats up to them and I dont judge. But really - the extent of my husbands infidelity is on a huge huge scale that is just shocking. I am also shocked at the amount of people on these websites wanting to hook up for no strings sex. There are loads and loads of married people men and women. I know people had affairs but this shocks me - not that people just hook up for sex but scale of it.

Am obviously very niave.

SadFreak Fri 14-Mar-14 00:38:06

Well I am still here. Just about. I am just so overwhelmed with what needs to be done that I have done absolutely nothing.
I am paralysed. Feel suffocated by what lies ahead.
So here we are 2 months on.He is home but both of us doing our own thing . He has hardly been here tbh and when he is he sleeps on the sofa.
I just want someone to come and sort it all out for me. Obviously I know that isn't going to happen but I just cannot cope with facing up to the future.
My head is a mess with random thoughts from years ago cropping up. Not even to do with him or us. Just any old random shit.

sadwidow28 Fri 14-Mar-14 05:01:09

SF, have you been to your GP? You may need some medical support to help you deal with things. It isn't just the last 2 months, it is all those years previously when he has messed with your head, your self-esteem and, ultimately, your well-being.

Perhaps you would benefit from some anti-depressants as you work towards your new life. Also, ask to be referred for counselling. .

When you talk about 'being paralysed' that is a serious mental state to be in. You really do need external support.

I am glad that you came back to this thread. You will not be ignored - and there are some very wise women who can offer advice.

Take care.

Lucylloyd13 Fri 14-Mar-14 08:04:44

Sex drives do vary, some women don't need it, others do. You are not a freak in having a low sex drive, but being married to a man who does need it is asking for trouble.

Sex is a need, but it is also a part of a healthy relationship where you want it with him. I enjoy sex, but want it as an expression of love with my boyfriend.

the right man can make all the difference.

bumbumsmummy Fri 14-Mar-14 08:17:15

Sounds to me like you don't want sex because your husband is an arsehole

I'd use your lack of desire as a barometer for your relationship

Had you tried counselling ?

Maybe if that doesn't work perhaps coming up with a plan to LTB might just give you your mojo back

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now