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Afraid DH will have an affair as I am so FAT that our sex life is non-existent.

(61 Posts)
FattyBumBumMum Sun 12-Jan-14 13:40:51

I feel fat and ugly. I am currently 6 stone over weight after 5 DC (no excuse for it). I was a size 8 and very attractive when we met but immediately piled on weight as soon as I found out I was pregnant, got bigger afterwards due to PND. I have been 3/4 stone overweight since 1st DC (16 years old) but got much bigger after having DC5 4 years ago.

DH has consistently kept himself slim, has always worked out and is very proud of his physique. Other women have commented on him being good looking and I have had women telling me they wouldn't mind a 'bit' of him to my face shock. My self esteem is so low that I constantly question him as to whether he is doing anything behind my back, check his phone etc, as I cannot believe that he is going this long with so little sex (about once every 6 months) and think he must be getting it elsewhere. Have never had any evidence of it though.

He tells me that he wants me to lose weight as he did not marry me looking like this, he wants more sex and he wants me to be fit and feel good about myself. Well so do I and I know he's right but I just can't seem to stick to anything! He will never refuse sex but no longer instigates it and it is quick with me hating myself the whole way through. I can imagine that I would be very pissed off if he had put on as much weight as me. I find myself feeling breathless and very uncomfortable most of time, well basically I feel like utter shit!

I seem to be just waiting for him to leave me or to find out he has had an affair. Why can't I change this? I am stumped.

brokenhearted55a Sun 12-Jan-14 13:50:03

Can you start working out with him or join the same gym?

Sounds as if he would support you.

nopanicandverylittleanxiety Sun 12-Jan-14 13:51:41

I agree with the pp, it sounds like it would make you much happier

hippo123 Sun 12-Jan-14 14:02:12

Do you want to lose weight? If so have you tried joining slimming world? But do it for you, not anybody else.

meditrina Sun 12-Jan-14 14:15:19

I think he sounds OK, actually - this bit: "he wants me to be fit and feel good about myself" is a positive message.

Yes, you're going through a tough time, and your self esteem has become bound in with your weigth (and other things?).

But you've realised this, which really does open up the possibilities for change. It's not your weight that will drive him into a wholly hypothetical affair You do have a chance to change this and stay married.

Not by looking at the numbers on the dial of the scales or on your clothes labels. But looking more widely at your life and your family life.

The demands of 5 children are huge. Have you had any time to yourself in the last 16+ years? You might not have the confidence right now to plunge off into a new hobby or whatever to get "you" back, but having a bit of quiet time to yourself might help.

likeit Sun 12-Jan-14 14:18:45

I've lost 4st on WW and I really so recommend it. I need the structure and shame of a weigh in.

likeit Sun 12-Jan-14 14:18:54


Pannacotta Sun 12-Jan-14 14:20:25

I think he sounds supportive of you.
Why don't you try the 5:2 plan? Its not really like a diet as you can eat what you like 5 days a week and there is fantastic support here on Mumsnet.
Am sure it must be very hard work having 5 DCs but being slimmer and more importantly fitter will make you feel much better about yourself and should help give you more energy for day to day life with all your DCS...
Good luck.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Sun 12-Jan-14 14:22:14

You're 50% there, you know. He's supportive and concerned which means you have someone to help along the way.

What is your actual relationship with food? Do you use it as a reward for a difficult day, or overdo portion sizes, or binge on fat/sugar/starch in a craving/loathing cycle? Do you care about recipes and cooking, or is it just the most calories for the least input?

Exercise: I'm guessing that as well as breathlessness, movement is painful. Are you afraid of falling?

In my case, I've dropped from nearly 20 stone in August to around 17. I can now start to consider pushing myself as injury becomes less likely.

My eating habits were small breakfast, fast food lunch, big dinner. Now they're medium breakfast (muesli and a pint of milky sweet coffee) and a low fat high fibre high protein lunch eaten as close to 3 pm as I can manage. Nothing after that bar black tea. One binge day a week, no alcohol, no snacks.

Get some weight off first, then exercise. Really gentle exercise like 10 minute walks to start. Nothing that puts your head below your waist or bends any joint through more than 90 degrees. A hear rate monitor is good; stops you going silly.


MasterP0 Sun 12-Jan-14 14:32:29

OP, you've identified YOUR problem, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Good Luck.

I've put on weight as I took time out from gym (6 weeks) I LOATH myself at this weight, I feel lethargic, fat, unattractive and ugly.....tomorrow is my first day back at gym, and I'm dieting (which I don't usually do, as I think diets aren't a long term solution, but I have to), I follow the Paleo lifestyle, but 6 weeks ago all that went to pot and I binged on sugars and processed rubbish!

YOU gave the power to turn this around!

wallypops Sun 12-Jan-14 14:41:37

I've put on 35 kgs from pre pregnancy weight. Couldn't find the motivation to diet. Finally found a bit then watched the Michael Moseley documentary (I think I found it on vimeo) and found it ultra motivating. I've 5:2 since April and lost 12 kg (it was 15)wink and found it easy. I'm afraid it's a forever option but apart from the first 2 weeks it's a walk in the parkgrin.
Get really motivated - the documentary will help. You could also do some juicing. Expensive but effective. I'm sure someone will give you their juicer. Most people hate them after the first month.

ineedanexcuse Sun 12-Jan-14 14:56:35

Its the sugar for me and when I get the amount I consume down I feel so much better in myself -but its a drug that calls me whenever I am down or stressed .I know it stresses me out even more but I ignore that while chomping on a kit kat or mindlessly emptying packets of biscuits.

The 5.2 'diet' is a great way to start getting to grips with your weight. I realised just how much better I felt by not having so much junk . That helped cut down the amount I ate in the days when I could eat normally.

I was doing really well on this but I got a bad case of norovirus and then it was Christmas so it all went to pot. blush

I am getting back on track now and am starting to feel good about myself again.Hopefully this is the year I actually reach my goal.

headoverheels Sun 12-Jan-14 16:02:23

I recommend reading Eating Less by Gillian Ripley. It's not really a diet but looks at the reasons why we overeat and gives you some techniques for bringing it under control.

lubeybooby Sun 12-Jan-14 16:10:48

it's amazing what losing even 10lb can do, you will feel less breathless and so much more comfortable, I've been there.

I'm sure you actually look fine and are being too harsh on yourself, but I have def been there with feeling crap and breathless etc.

I've had most success just calorie counting, making it up as i go along according to the food I usually eat, just better portions and more veg basically. I'm about to start the 5:2 one for a bit of a change though.

Don't do crash diets or starve yourself as you won't stick to it

I've never done it but have heard slimming world is best when you find things really hard to stick to as there's so much unlimited stuff you can have and it still works

good luck

WhoNickedMyName Sun 12-Jan-14 16:15:15

Stop with the questioning him, checking his phone, etc.

THAT is what will drive him away eventually, not your lack of sex life and your weight.

You need to start carving out a bit of time for you, and do something not weight related, to make yourself feel good, whether that's a manicure or a haircut or whatever.

But ultimately there is only one person that can motivate you to lose weight and that's you. FWIW (and I say this on every thread like this) the only diet I've ever seen numerous people stick to and keep the weight off - and by that I mean keep it off for years - is slimming world.

OhBabyLilyMunster Sun 12-Jan-14 16:17:30

I think your husband sounds a bit lovely. It would be even harder to lose weight and make changes if he was sat in the chair overweight encouraging you to ring for a pizza every night. Let him help you with regard to diet and exercise, and start with baby steps. Walking is fab. Get yourself an app and record the distances you walk, build up slowly.

Are you still breastfeeding? I found personally that the baby weight stayed on while feeding, and it took until the return of regular periods to get some weight to come off.

DixieGoesToHollywood Sun 12-Jan-14 16:18:45

Your husband sounds nice and supportive of you which can only be a good thing!

I've put on weight since I met DP, although she doesn't seem to have noticed confused (about 1 1/2 stone), or so she claims! However I can see that 5 stone since you met is a bit more of a change in your appearance, not to mention it must be bad for your health, but I'm sure you know all that.

I don't think from what you've said it sounds as if your DH is having an affair, however I think you need to lose weight for YOU, so you start to get your mojo back! Talk to your DH and get him on board with helping you lose weight.

TBH losing weight would be the right thing to do for your health, but you can still be fat and sexy (while you are losing the weight).

You sound really down and miserable and as though all your self-confidence has been knocked out of you. Losing weight might help you feel better about yourself, but there might be other things you could to boost your self-esteem. Do you enjoy your work? Do you have hobbies you enjoy or friends who make you feel good about yourself? Do your clothes flatter you? Do you look after your hair and nails? Have your read something or done something new recently which has made you feel excited and engaged?

Losing a lot of weight is a slow process and there is no point putting your life on hold until you reach your goal. I bet your DH would be thrilled to see you looking confident and happy - even if you aren't slim (yet). He might be aware that you aren't enjoying sex (hating yourself the whole way through) and that might be putting him off from initiating something he knows will upset you.

Lazyjaney Sun 12-Jan-14 16:26:02

You have correctly identified the risks OP, now you need to do something about it.

At the moment he seems supportive, but don't assume that's a forever thing, especially if you carry on with the constant suspicions and questions.

NatashaBee Sun 12-Jan-14 16:31:34

It doesn't sound like he's having a affair to me - more that he doesn't want to instigate something he knows you won't enjoy. Typical affair behaviour would be criticizing you and finding fault (based on the threads on here, anyway) and it sounds like he is trying to be gentle and supportive. What kind of diet/ exercise plan does he have, is it something you can just piggy back onto? Can you start by getting out and about doing something active with the children?

BillyBanter Sun 12-Jan-14 16:32:54

Importantly, you don't feel happy at your weight and that would probably be the case whatever the attitude of your DP.

There are a lot of different 'solutions' to wanting to lose weight and I have no idea what would work best for you. how did you keep trim before?

Once you have decided on a plan for you, you can discuss with your DP about how best he can support you. This might involve him giving up some time at the gym to look after the kids while you do a class, for instance.

MissScatterbrain Sun 12-Jan-14 16:34:10

How does he find the time to go to the gym a lot with 5 DCs?

Do you both have equal amounts of child free leisure time? Does he spend a lot of time doing his share of the child care and housework?

I wonder if you had more time to yourself, you would feel less tired and more motivated to lose weight/work out. As it is I suspect you are in a vicious circle where you are too tired to cook and eat properly and unable to find the time and energy to exercise.

OP, look back at your eating habits when you were a size 8.
What's different now?

I put on 5 stone gradually when I had my 3 dc. After the last one it made me so very unhappy I finally managed to change my eating habits for good. I lost the 5 stone a couple of years ago and while I've put a few pounds back on over Christmas, I know I will never go back to where I was.

My dh (always been slim) never commented on my weight, I was a size 8-10 when I married him but he didn't marry a dress size, did he. He was very supportive, but has said on several occasions that it was not the weight I lost which has pleased him most, it was my regained confidence in myself.

You can do it - but do it for yourself, not because you fear he might stray otherwise.

Lweji Sun 12-Jan-14 16:52:48

He tells me that he wants me to lose weight as he did not marry me looking like this,

You also married for better and for worse, presumably.

The part of feeling good about yourself is fine, as is wanting you to be fit and healthy.
But you should lose weight for yourself and your health, not to keep a man.

Speaking from the point of view of someone whose husband got overweight, it was not his weight that put me off him. Physically it was fine. It was his personality that was the problem.

defineme Sun 12-Jan-14 17:02:18

I'm very interested in how he finds the time for the gym too?
If you don't have equal free time, why not?
I think rosemary connely classes are good because it's a lot of normal looking women doing straight forward aerobics at their own pace, very non threatening environment.
I also think arranging a regular walk or something with a friend works because you'll keep going rather than letting a friend down.
If you were a size 8 before, can I ask have you checked your BMI? You may be overwhelmed by thinking of 5 stones when losing less would still get you to a healthy weight.
Stop demeaning yourself by spying on your dh... you'll only make yourself feel crap doing that.

whodunnit Sun 12-Jan-14 17:05:45

Op your timing is perfect. Tomorrow morning is the startvof low carb bootcamp. It is easy to do, does not involve exercise necessarily and you will lose weight quickly. Channel your energy and frustration now into starting that. Don't plan and worry and fret. Just start making some changes. Sorry if this does not sound sympathetic enough - i do feel for you and feel that you have to use your present energy to your immediate benefit. Hope you are feeling a bit better.

mrsgboring Sun 12-Jan-14 19:37:02

I do wonder if your gaining weight is a by product of low mood, depression, exhaustion etc.

Personally I can't ever lose weight while hating myself and feeling down. I think you need to work on those irrespective of weight and diet issues.

FestiveSpiritedwolf Sun 12-Jan-14 20:00:43

I think others have made some of the points I was going to, like making sure that you had child free time to exercise and cook/eat properly.

One thing to remember if you eat with your DH is that you probably need to eat less than he does to maintain your ideal weight. If I eat the same amounts of food as DH does I put on weight while he maintains (blooming irritating isn't it?).

I also think that one of the problems you have is low self esteem. You need to think that you are worth taking care of to do the self care that your DH does. Yes, you weigh more than you did when you got married but that doesn't mean that you are unattractive, can't enjoy sex or that you deserve to be cheated on (I hope this is just a anxious thought you have had rather than a threat from your H). Fat is just storing a bit of excess energy, its something you have not something you are. You are still the fantastic person you were at a size 8, with the added life experience and superhumanness that comes with being a mum (of 5! wow!).

If you can have a bit more time to look after yourself, to eat well and move more and can find things to like about yourself hopefully your confidence will improve, and you'll have more energy and enthusiasm for your sex life. But more importantly you'll feel good about yourself and will be fit and healthy.

I don't know whether your DH has done anything other than have a lower sex drive than he used to to warrent your suspicions about an affair, or whether it is just your low self esteem ('Who would want me?') that is making you a bit paranoid. Either way, finding more time to look after yourself and enjoy your own interests will hopefully give you more perspective on the situation.

What do you enjoy, and what did you enjoy before having children that you'd like to take up again, can you devote more time to these things?

FattyBumBumMum Sun 12-Jan-14 21:05:43

I am a vegetarian which is the main problem. I cook meat meals for the rest of the family and just have veg or mostly carbs bread to fill myself up. I get very hungry. I am very stressed out and we have had a lot of crap to deal with over the last few years. DH is constantly telling me to eat more protein. My stomach is very bloated and I am very sluggish so I think my system is finding it hard to tolerate carbs after so long over indulging on them. It's not that I eat a whole loaf in one sitting - more that I will have 2 x toast for breakfast, sandwich for lunch, veg for dinner and more toast before bed.

I have been depressed due to some very adverse life events and that has not helped.

Before DC, we used to go clubbing 3x a week, I was a demon dancer and would walk everywhere. I have loads of dance CDs for exercise but the thought of doing any makes me want to reach for some more toast!

I have had gym membership for a year blush but can't bring myself to go and DH gets furious about it. He is more than happy for me to have time to myself to go. He has a gym on site at work so goes at lunch time. We can't go together due to the DC.

The low self esteem is a big thing and has hounded me for a long time. I put myself last on the list all the time. The 5:2 is something I plan to do every morning. I have no motivation angry at self.

Thanks for the replies. You are all really lovely! I need to pull myself out of this hole I'm in. I WILL go to the gym tomorrow.

whodunnit Sun 12-Jan-14 22:25:21

Hello op, nice to see you are a bit more upbeat now. Good on you for deciding to take action to make you feel better about yourself. The only way is up, I bet you cant w as it to see the old you appearing again. And welcome back to you.

Custardo Sun 12-Jan-14 22:30:55

if toast is your down fall

bin the toaster

not being glib, if it is an easy to reach for alternative snack for you - bin the toaster

bread is full of sugar, the reason you are on an emotional rollercoaster daily, feel sluggish, massively hungry all the time=sugar.

dont set youself up to fail. make your meals before hand so you can microwave them in a jiffy and not be tempted by a quick biscuit

AuntieStella Sun 12-Jan-14 22:31:23

Toast is a real devil!

5/2 might be a good option for you. Getting through a day in lean rations (when you're already eating differently) might be more achievable than you think.

I hope you can find your way back to dancing again - it's great exercise and it just feels good. And I think a bit of feeling good would make a world of improvement. It sounds to me as if everything has got a bit stagnant, and if you can get going again everything will lift (even if the weight is long haul).

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA Sun 12-Jan-14 22:35:17

Well, i reckon i could suggest a good way for you to lose about 50kg of dead weight - get rid of your fuckwit husband?

This is unbelievable - your DH makes you feel like shite, tells you he wants you to lose weight, not because its healthy, but because HE doesn't want to have sex with you because you don't look like you did when you met him?

Well my advice, go on a diet, join a gym, feel better about yourself and dump him

Come back and tell us how your gym visit goes. You know we'll all be here to offer support and motivation.

Mollydoggerson Sun 12-Jan-14 22:45:14

I don't think your dh is a fuckwit, I think he sounds ok.

Apart from your relationship you need to loose weight for your health and weight loss is a mood booster too.

Can you set yourself a challenge to diet and exercise for 1 month, make yourself do it for you and commit to it 100%. You will feel so much better after 1 week!

Slow and steady is the way to go. Lets face it we are all responsible for ourselves and your problem is your weight and your mounting trepidation about it (not your husband). You have the power to change this.

The lack of motivation combined with dissatisfaction can be a bit turn off, essentially it is apathy. You need to change your patterns for yourself, no matter what happens, you will feel better when you are healthier.

WhoNickedMyName Sun 12-Jan-14 22:47:26

I don't think your DH sounds like a fuckwit either. And if he only weighs 50kg then he needs to drastically cut back on the gym visits grin

Good luck tomorrow!

neolara Sun 12-Jan-14 22:47:55

I also suggest binning the bread. I stopped eating bread as an experiment a couple of months ago. I found that I ended up eating much more healthily (lots of couscous and roasted veg), but also I stopped having massive food cravings 3 hours after eating. When I ate veg instead of bread, I didn't get the whole sugar high / sugar low thing so I stayed feeling fuller for longer. I also stopped feeling bloated and getting tummy pains. Bread never filled me up and when I ate it, I used to put loads of butter and cheese on it which wasn't particularly healthy.

I did 5 /2 for one day. I felt starved and deprived one day and ate like a maniac the next. I gave up on day 2.

I agree with starting by making small changes that you can stick with. 5:2 sounds over ambitious right now and isn't for everyone anyway. Tomorrow bin the bread and dance for ten minutes at least once in the day (doesn't have to be DVD, just stick some music on, with the dc's is fine). Report back tomorrow evening!

And btw I think your DH sounds reasonable and supportive too.

FunnysInLaJardin Sun 12-Jan-14 23:12:02

actually for all those saying the DH sounds OK, if my DH says he would like me to lose weight as 'he did not marry me looking this way', he would know instantly how far to shove it.

That OP is rubbish and he is being an arse and dressing it up as concern. I have been anything from 9 to 15 stone and my DH would never be so crass as to comment on it. That would be up to me.

Do what you want to do to make yourself feel happier, not what your DH thinks you should do!

MorrisZapp Sun 12-Jan-14 23:21:20

Bread haters, are we including wholesale/ granary types too?

MorrisZapp Sun 12-Jan-14 23:22:54

Bread haters, are we including wholesale/ granary types too?

I would say yes, to begin with Morris. I'm not a bread hater by any stretch, but OP sounds over dependent on it, I think if she did just 2-3 days of alternatives she would feel quite different, probably much better, this would hopefully motivate her to make more healthy changes.

wiltingfast Sun 12-Jan-14 23:26:44

It does sound to me like your dh is putting you under pressure about it. I gained a stone and a half after 2 dc and they were 4 and 2 before I found the head space and energy to focus on myself and do something about it. I cannot imagine how long it might take to surface after 5!

The thing is, it is just about organising yourself so you can make good choices. You are talking to another toast junkie here, it is delicious but the devil's food! But my dh never mentioned it and seemed to want sex just as much etc. I think it is more difficult to start if you feel someone is watching.

I joined ww and then made the space to organise myself in a way that included limited treats. I also built in a 40m walk 5 days a week. That is just in and out to work btw. No way was I motivated to join a bloody gym.

Once you start to see a change, it becomes easier.

Hth op, good luck.

Pannacotta Sun 12-Jan-14 23:30:35

Dancing with your DCs would be a great way to start, perhaps the gym is a bit too much if you are feeling self conscious.
It is also good exercise for them when it is hard to get outside and run around (ie when its cold/dark/wet etc).

wiltingfast Sun 12-Jan-14 23:32:02

Start with one small change. Just one thing. And see how you go from there.

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA Sun 12-Jan-14 23:34:13

What size are you op? My dp says I should loose weight. So should he. The difference being is because despite me weighing almost double what I weighed when we met, he still wants lots of sex and makes feel sexy and attractive. You have to want this for yoursrlf. Not to make someone want you. Love should not come with conditions

DownstairsMixUp Sun 12-Jan-14 23:43:52

Try the 5:2, it worked ok for me to lose a few lbs but it wasn't sustainable. I found swapping things were easier. I won't give up bread, I love it, but I was being a pig with it. I'd have a bread product for breakkie (like a muffin, all carby) then a sandwich for lunch. I switched to having toast for breakfast with natural yoghurt or granola with natural yoghurt. Lunch would be two ryvita with fruit and a small slice of cheese or vice versa. On a saturday I'd treat myself to a bacon sandwich. Swap sugar for sweetner in coffee, if your a coffee addict like me, that cuts a ton of cals on it's own.

How are you with sweets? I'm mostly savoury but get the odd pangs for something sweet so stopped keeping crap in the house and replaced it with more fruit or weight watcher pud's. Skinny cow ice cream is pretty nice to and a good fix for a sweet fix.

Swap cheese for half fat stuff, not much taste difference. Change full fat butter for half fat/low fat. Use spray oil instead of olive oil. Replace white pasta with wholewheat, fills you up as much, not that icky bloated but ravenous feeling a while later like you do with white pasta.

Cut out the jar stuff! I used to always use ragu for spag bol (a popular dish in this house) now i just use tomatoes, a stock cube, a sprinkle of salt, onion, a splash of red wine and a bit of gravy to thicken it with some tomato puree, yum and not packed full of hidden sugar! It comes up so many calories less to making your own sauce. (I know you don't eat meat but same thing applies, the jar stuff always has a ton of shite in there)

Don't think "I can't have this" just replace it with lower calorie options. I'm a crisp fiend so I just changed my usuals (flame grilled steak mccoys or cheese and onion walkers) for velvet crunch and snack a jacks.

Good luck OP!

(ps bike riding with the kids, long walks in the woods/beach, jillian michaels dvds are good to)

GarlicReturns Sun 12-Jan-14 23:49:07

he is being an arse and dressing it up as concern - Agreed.

FBB, being hungry a lot is what's making you fat. Have you tried snacking more often? Keep stuff that you like to eat nearby - make them whole & healthy snacks, not processed, but don't worry about the calorie value. You want to keep your digestion going, and your brain feeling confident there is enough food.

I'm a definite omnivore but, due to being painfully poor, have to eat a lot of pulses to top up my protein intake. Unfortunately beans bloat me to buggery - they also make me feel vaguely unwell. I have an underactive thyroid; beans & lentils, etc, are goitrogenic so this may well be why I feel so much worse in extra-poor months. I'm not sure whether there are many other good vegetarian options (soy is also goitrogenic, being a bean,) so I see this as a potentially big issue for overweight & sluggish vegetarian women.

Would you eat meat, or fish?

I disagree with those saying bin the toast. Wholemeal toast with, say, Marmite and tomatoes - or just tomatoes - is a great source of vitamin B, plus protein and Vitamin E from the bread. It's also filling and makes your digestion do some work smile

As a dancer, how about doing Zumba? It should be a lot of fun for you! You might also sign up for some belly-dancing and Pilates - both fabulous for core strength & sexiness. No need to do things the way H says, play to your strengths! I used to dance like crazy, too, and really enjoy all the above. When I was fit I did kick-boxing, too. Dancers have the balance for it.

GarlicReturns Sun 12-Jan-14 23:51:38

YY, Panna, I was thinking about dancing with the DC! If you have a wii fit, xbox or whatever you Young People play these days you can do dance challenges, tennis and yoga with them, too.

FattyNewYear Mon 13-Jan-14 00:09:12

If you want to loose weight then do it for you. You sound like me back in 2004. I joined SlimmingWorld in Januray 2004 because a friend begged me to go as she was setting up the class and was petrified no one would go. I went reluctantly. By Xmas the same year I was 5 stone and 8lbs lighter, a size 14 (from a size 24) and happier person.

SlimmingWorld do a Green plan which sounds like it may suit you.

Its the carb plan. In very simple terms you can eat "unlimited" pasta, rice and potato as long as its not cooked or fried in oil, fats and sauces. Any sauces can be made from scratch but most are quick and easy. Stuff like tinned beans and even spaghetti are classed as free food too, so no weighing and measuring. Also quick fixes like some pasta n sauces and savoury rices are free as well.

I cannot tell you all the ins and outs here but it may be worth phoning a local SW consultant, explain your vegetarian and ask about the Green Plan (red is proteins usually meat and fish and they push the Extra Easy plan which is combining the 2). I lost all my weight by doing mainly red and green plans.

It may not suit you and thats fine but just putting a little bit of info out there for you to ponder on.

I hope you find a way to make yourself happier and boost your self esteem.

filingdrivesmemad Mon 13-Jan-14 00:16:57

I recommend slimming world, it educates you about food, even if you think you already know it all, and there are loads of vegetarian recipes with the correct proportions of protein, carb etc all worked out for you. You will meet lots of others in the same boat, and get lots of support.
What is working for me - slowly ! (and you do have to learn patience with yourself too) is:
-not letting unhealthy things into the house - just don't buy them, your whole family will be better off without too, I mean sweets, full fat cheese, crisps, full fat yogurt, even low fat yogurt because it is moreish, and don't bulk buy or if you do, then freeze the stuff so its not lying around ready to eat whenever you have the urge - this would work for the bread - eat before you shop, then its easy to resist putting these things in the trolley, then when you want to/have to eat late at night or whenever, you can only fulfill that urge to crunch, by eating whatever is to hand - grapes, satsumas, cherry tomatoes, 0%fat yogurt, etc, and limited, if any, damage is done!
- drink at least one glass of water before you eat
- go out for a walk to de-stress each day, instead of using food to comfort eat, walking with an ipod really does help unwind me
what about putting your dance cds on to an ipod for walking, and also play them when you are doing the housework or cooking, it'll take your mind off food and you'll remember how sexy you used to feel and still can do inside

AllThreeWays Mon 13-Jan-14 00:37:41

Go to the GP and have a blood test for iron and vitamin D. Your diet sounds unbalanced and could explain you feelings of worthlessness and sluggishness. Carbs provide energy but it is protein that builds and heals,, if you don't have enough protein you cannot build muscle and you feel weak, so the carbs will just get stored as fat. A vicious cycle.
Go for proteins, low GI carbs and an iron supplement and I be you will feel well enough to start exercise and will feel happier

Tonandfeather Mon 13-Jan-14 01:39:14

Your husband has told you he dislikes your weight gain. He's stopped instigating sex and when you do have it, you say it's "quick" and you hate yourself all the way through it.

It sounds to me that he's using your body as a release when he has sex with you and doesn't care that you're not enjoying it.

When did you last have an orgasm during sex with him?

When did he last care that you did?

FaiLee22 Mon 13-Jan-14 06:46:20

Have you spoken to your dr about losing the weight? Also sounds like you may have a small bout of depression. I'm in the same boat and my drs have been amazing. They have given me 12 weeks free membership to a local slimming world group and in 9 weeks I've lost a stone.

I know it's hard but if your dr is good they shouldn't judge you.

CityTiliDie Mon 13-Jan-14 06:54:04

The Vegetarian issue is nothing to do with it. Your will power or total lack of it is the problem.
I am a vegan and lost 2st on the 5:2 diet last year.
You can do it you just have to really want to.
If you cant ditch the toast the only eat wholemeal/granary bread its slightly better for you and will fill you up quicker but most regular size slices of bread have over 100 cal in them before you add butter jam etc. Grab an apple or banana instead.
Forget the gym, go for a 'power' walk, gentle jog its much cheaper and better for you mentally.
You need to do it for yourself, your own long term physical health is being badly affected by your weight as well as your mental health and your relationship.
If you want to live long enough to see your kids have kids then you can do this.
Good luck

differentnameforthis Mon 13-Jan-14 09:35:01

Your husband has told you he dislikes your weight gain. He's stopped instigating sex and when you do have it, you say it's "quick" and you hate yourself all the way through it To all those who are saying he sounds supportive/reasonable, OK etc, my dh would notice if I wasn't enjoying sex, and would stop. That is supportive/reasonable & MORE than OK.

He wants more sex, but won't have sex with op because she is 'fat' (hate that word) and he didn't marry you at this size. I bet you didn't marry him at this level of dick-head either, did you?

Why can't I change this. Because his criticism has made your self esteem tank!

LEMmingaround Mon 13-Jan-14 19:08:55

Ok is this 1959?

meditrina Mon 13-Jan-14 19:16:24

LEM they'be been married for decades, have 5 children, and it's only in the last 4 years that he has made any of the comments mentioned by OP. And they show concern for her well being as much (or more) than concern for restoring their dwindling sex life. So, yes he might have changed character into total arse recently in this case it sounds as if there is far more going on.

OP is also reporting depression (probably triggered by events unconnected to the marriage) and self-esteem issues, this might be the time to to support her to a better position, rather than blaming her DH now.

LEMmingaround Tue 14-Jan-14 17:22:27

maybe her DH is the cause of her low self esteem! HOW do they show concern for her welbeing? My DP tells me to lose weight - because im not a healthy weight, for that reason and that reason only , well he doesn't tell me, but says i should, we both should actually - but this man says things like "you weren't like this when we met" err, no, she has had 5 children so she is hardly going to slip back into her pre-children jeans is she! I agree she should lose weight, but he needs to buck the fuck up or fuck off.

flamby Wed 15-Jan-14 16:20:48

Can you switch to having some vegetarian meals as a family? Maybe twice or three times per week? It is a lot to cook two dinners every night, and easy to fall into the pattern of eating what everyone else eats, minus the meat (hence all the carbs). Or can they have a vegetarian meal but add some sliced ham/chicken from the deli counter if they really need meat?

What other things do you like to eat? I am not vegetarian but I do try and have some meat-free days each week (to save money and stay healthy, mostly). I don't like Quorn so if I tried to eat that, I'd feel I was denying myself but I do love Middle Eastern food. I make a few salads in tupperwares (e.g. tabbouleh, aubergine and tahini salad, chickpea with a lemon/parsley dressing) and to me they are so delicious that I don't feel like I am missing out at all. I can raid the fridge and it feels like a treat. I bought my DH a book of Chinese vegetarian recipes and he now makes the most amazing steamed bok choi (sounds ridiculous but it is so good!). Now the meat-free days are great and I love them!

I think what I am trying to say is to try not to see a diet as a punishment - your body has done amazing things for you (create 5 kids!) and you do deserve nice flavours and good food, not just the non-meat bits of a meat meal that you have made for everyone else. Is there any way of finding things you do like that also happen to be healthy and building a diet around them? How about exploring some different kinds of restaurants on date nights with your DH to get ideas about what you can make at home and the flavours you like?

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