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Does anyone have a positive story about having a passive aggressive husband?

(67 Posts)
ilovelamp82 Sat 11-Jan-14 09:15:34

After much research, we have discovered that my husband is in fact a passive aggressive. I have been doing as much reading as I can online on the subject and ordered some books but as of yet I haven't managed to find an outcome that is positive.

My husband admits that he is a passive aggressive, which I understand to be the worst bit. He has agreed to go to counselling. I have told him that so long as he is wholeheartedly commited to counselling and sorting out the problem then I will completelt support him. Anything less than this and I will not stick around.

I so want it to work though as we have 2 gorgeous boys and I want to avoid splitting up our family, but I am yet to find a case that has resulted in the husband and wife staying together.

Thanks in advance - this is a really scary time for me and I don't really have anyone to talk to in real life abojt it. I'm also pretty embarrassed.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 11-Jan-14 09:20:18

What sort of things does he do that lead you to conclude he is passive aggressive?

FolkGirl Sat 11-Jan-14 09:20:21

Why have you been reading around the subject and ordering books?

It sounds like you're taking this on as a personal project.

KouignAmann Sat 11-Jan-14 09:43:00

Anything less than this and I will not stick around

This is the nub of it. Your DH behaves in a way he is comfortable and familiar with but it makes you unhappy because it is unpleasant to live with a PA person. You have identified this and he has realised that unless he changes you will call time on the marriage. Hopefully he can learn some better ways of expressing himself and things will improve. But will you have to police him? Can he permanently change or will he slide back into PA behaviour after the fuss has died down?

What are his parents like? Would you like a marriage like theirs?

ilovelamp82 Sat 11-Jan-14 09:43:40

I have been reading about it because I have only just really realised that this is what the problem is. It's givenme a llittle bit of relief that I'm not going mad. I've ordered books because I want to know how to handle the situation so as to ultimately end up with a happy life (or as close as is possible)

I know that I can no longer live the life that we're living but I also realise that given my husbands horrendous childhood I don't want to just desert him, I want to give him the opportunity to get better so long as he is willing to really try. As seems to be the nature with this behaviour, I'm all he has and despite living a life on eggshells, I do love him but have come to the end of my patience.

I've always thought I knew what passive aggressive was and knew that he wasn't very good at communicating with me despite my efforts and knew he was an unhappy person, whixh given his childhood, I could completely understand and sympathise why.

I just want a happy life and would just let things go. But they build up until I statt to think "what am I doing here?"

Sorry if I'm rambling.

FolkGirl Sat 11-Jan-14 09:49:20

No, you're not rambling. But it seems like a lot of effort on your part to accommodate your husband behaving like a twat!

His childhood might explain how he feels at times. But he is an adult and he chooses his behaviour.

And I say that as someone from an abusive childhood. He probably would benefit from some counselling, but you shouldn't be walking on eggshells and your children should not be growing up in that environment.

So he changes or he goes. It's not up to you to change to accommodate him.

ilovelamp82 Sat 11-Jan-14 09:57:50

That's exactly what I'm thinking. I have now realised that i have spent too long just taking the brunt of his behaviour and need him to take control of making things better without me having to chase him. That in itself is scary. It's frustrating because if he doesn't get this sorted than I know we have to split up, which will ultimately leave us all unhappy. I want him to know thatI will support him so long as he works hard long term at this.

Oh I know I'm rambling but my head really is all over the place. It's difficult to have the future of my relationship in someone else's hands and not knowing whether he is going to put the effort in to fixing himself that I need him to or if he is just going to pay me a lot of lip service.

I definitely do not want a marriage like his parents. His mother has passed away now, but laterly they were both alcoholics. Interestingly my husband has often told me yhat his parents should have split up earlier and that his mother used to talk to him anout all her marital problems when he was young.

This is so hard. I know that this is not fault and I want to help him but ultimately know he can only help himself. I don't want to split our family. And I don't want him to be alone because his parents messed him up.

I want him living a successful well rounded life to be the 2 fingers to his parents that they deserve.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 11-Jan-14 10:00:44

You still haven't said what constitutes PA behaviour. You say you're 'on eggshells' and that is often the result of living with Emotional Abuse (psychological bullying) rather than PA. Very, very common in fact.

Custardo Sat 11-Jan-14 10:02:33

yeah i agree with cogito

FolkGirl Sat 11-Jan-14 10:03:29

we have to split up, which will ultimately leave us all unhappy

It won't. It really, really won't. It just feels like it would at at the moment. But you wouldn't be unhappy - at least, not for long.

I don't want him to be alone because his parents messed him up.


I want him living a successful well rounded life to be the 2 fingers to his parents that they deserve.

That's sort of what I was getting at with the 'project' comment, I think. He has got to not want to be alone because his parents messed him up and he has got to want to live a successful well rounded life. It's not enough that you want it. It's not something you can do for him, and it's not something you can effect in his head. He has got to realise it himself and until he does, it won't change.

FolkGirl Sat 11-Jan-14 10:04:20

Yes, I think cogito might have a point too.

ElizabethBathory Sat 11-Jan-14 10:07:10

If he's agreed to go to counselling and actually goes without you having to badger him that's a good start op.

But I'm concerned at the way you seem to think of passive aggressive behaviour as some kind of "condition" in itself. It's not, it's just another way of treating those you love badly. Your thread title is basically the same as saying 'does anyone have any positive stories about having a nasty husband' - it doesn't quite make sense.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 11-Jan-14 10:08:27

She bears the brunt of his behaviour, he says he's going to get help, there's the convenient excuse of an unhappy childhood and the net result is a partner that is leaving in a state of fear/anxiety, frantically trying to find a psychological rationale and 'fix' whilst, at the same time, feeling guilty about the whole thing because a) she wants to keep the family together and b) she's 'all he has'.

If this doesn't turn out to be EA I'll eat my hat.

ilovelamp82 Sat 11-Jan-14 10:12:43

Maybe walking on eggshells isn't the right way to express it. My husband is never outright argumentative with me and definitely never physical (in some ways it would be better if he just hit me because I would know it was the right thing to leave) it's more a case of me constantly trying to make our home a happy environment so that he doesn't moan or eyeroll or the like. It just seems that there isn't a thing in the world that he doesn't have something negative or cynical to say about (this is so opposite to me). On doing some reading it's the "forgetting, procrastinating, moaning, sulleness, non communicative etc that are so constant that drive me to despair but make me feel like I'm going mad because each individual incident isnt that big a deal but the repetitiveness of being ignored when I tell him what is bothering me is so hurtful and cumulative if that makes any sense.

I'm really sorry if this isn't coming out right. I'm a private person when it comes to my family so I've never spoken to anyone about this.

HorsePetal Sat 11-Jan-14 10:13:34

OP Cogito us spot on. Can you give us one or two examples of his PA behaviour?

HorsePetal Sat 11-Jan-14 10:15:33

So you feel as if you are constantly trying (and failing) to make him happy?

What does he do when something isn't 'right'? Shout? Criticise? Belittle you?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 11-Jan-14 10:20:47

OP you are being shamelessly manipulated. By making out he's never happy he keeps you in a constant state of anxiety, running yourself ragged trying to please and avoid confrontation. You feel like you're going mad because your confidence is low, your judgement impaired and you stick around hoping he has MH problems and isn't just a miserable bastard.

His technique is PA but his motive, I suggest, is to bully you into submission. He may not be giving you a black eye but, if anything, what he's doing to you is worse.

Oh.... and the counselling will be given lipservice only. Why would he want to change when he is in full control?

ilovelamp82 Sat 11-Jan-14 10:21:33

No. He doesn't shout or belittle me. This is what's so confusing. If he were to outright come out and argue with me, I would be able to deal with that. But it seems that as he can't handle confrontation if he feels slighted in some way he doesn't say it to me, he just quietly seethes and then takes it out on me some way later like only getting 2 out of 3 things from the shop despite me offering to write the things down because he "forgot" something the last time.

FolkGirl Sat 11-Jan-14 10:25:15

I think Cog's hat might be safe...

FolkGirl Sat 11-Jan-14 10:25:47

Quietly seethes and then looks for other ways to get his own back..?


HorsePetal Sat 11-Jan-14 10:26:14

He deliberately tries to wind you up by only buying 2 out of 3 things on the list. He is a bully!!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 11-Jan-14 10:29:45

Sorry OP, you're being set up to fail so that you try harder next time to avoid the seething, sulking and petty retributions. It's bloody nasty behaviour and, rather than tiptoeing about pleasing him or finding him therapists, you need to stand up to him every single time.


ilovelamp82 Sat 11-Jan-14 10:29:58

This is what I fear. It's hard for me to not chase him up about this counselling but I know that I can't and his actions regarding this are the decision as to whether I should stay.

I feel like I'm an intelligent person and the fact that I've been getting manipulated for so long has really thrown me. I don't know when my self esteem got so low that I let this behaviour become acceptable.

Am I being completely niave though, from what I have read until recently passive aggressive behaviour was classed as a disorder. Wouldn't that imply that it was more of an affliction that has been engrained him since childhood that he will just need to work hard at understanding in order to change his behaviours. I know he needs to feel it rather than me fix it for him, but don't I owe it to my family to give him that opportunity to fix it or am I really being that niave?

ilovelamp82 Sat 11-Jan-14 10:33:02

This is so crazy to me and a lot to take in. I've been a long time lurker and read so much about these women in ea relationships. I sit and think why would you stay with someone like that. Never thinking that that's the situation I'm in myself.

HorsePetal Sat 11-Jan-14 10:33:32

I've no idea whether it's classed as an affliction or not (I very much doubt it though).

Don't be fooled however into thinking that your husband is unable to control his behaviour.

He has complete control over it and is using it to control you. It's working perfectly for him.

If I were you OP I'd be very very angry indeed

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 11-Jan-14 10:35:13

Tell me.... does he show exactly the same behaviour with strangers, colleagues, friends as he does towards you? Does he seethe? Ignore? Get his own back in petty ways? Does he see himself as superior or feel he deserves special treatment? Does he tend to blame others and accuse them of picking on him rather than take responsibility for his mistakes?

What you owe to your family btw is a calm and positive environment. Your DCs are currently growing up in an atmosphere where we all tiptoe round Dad in case we upset him. They are learning that women are unimportant & should park their own needs, feelings and opinions in favour of 'the man'. They may adopt people-pleasing behaviour or have low standards and settle for abusive treatment from a partner in turn

FolkGirl Sat 11-Jan-14 10:35:17

That's how it works though ilovelamp sad

I used to post on here championing my lovely, wonderful husband. Then I discovered his infidelities. Then I started to see my relationship for what it was and realised that he was emotionally and financially abusive.

I'd considered myself really lucky to have one of the good, if not perfect, ones until it transpired he was anything but!

HorsePetal Sat 11-Jan-14 10:36:26

Don't be hard on yourself, you have been conditioned by your husband to accept his behaviour and to view it as your fault, your problem.

So now you just need to change your own thinking.

Forget about the 'self-help' books and counselling - he won't ever change.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 11-Jan-14 10:39:52

BTW... you are an intelligent person. Please don't think that what's happening makes you a fool or naive. I'm sure you are also a resourceful and successful person. I expect people would describe you as very capable and 'together'. I say all that because you are clearly not a quitter. You are used to solving problems rather than giving up. You are valiantly trying to rationalise all of this and find fixes long after the point when someone else would have walked. You are kind, optimistic and tenacious..... strengths all...... but sadly, he is exploiting all of those to his own ends.

ilovelamp82 Sat 11-Jan-14 10:43:38

I am definitely angry. I have definitely reached the point whereby I am not taking responsibility for this anymore.My eyes have been opened. I just wanted tto know if anyone was aware of someone going to counselling and managing to actually sort this or if there really is no end in sight other splitting up.

Thank you to everyone responding. It's quite a head!@*$ which is hard to reason when it is just me dealing with it and trying to talk things through with my husband.

He tells me that he agrees with every aspect of being a passive aggressive except for forgetting to do things 'on purpose".

I told him that I don't believe him. Every other point describing a passive aggressive is accurate to a tee, it's scary. Why would that be the only thing that wasn't true. But it's hard for me to believe that he would do things on purpose to hurt me. Not that I don't believe it. It's just really hard to have come to this realisation about someone I love and who I thought loved me.

ilovelamp82 Sat 11-Jan-14 10:49:11

Thanks everyone for responding. I however need to get ready to go out with friends for lunch. Much needed. I haven't been out for a long time. Not a controlling thing.I have a 3 week old and suffered a really bad pregnancy. Would love a few cocktails after all these revelations but my gorgeous little breast feeding monkey has other ideas.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 11-Jan-14 10:49:13

As I said before PA is a tactic & not necessarily a disorder. As to whether it's deliberately to hurt you, that's why I asked how he relates to others. If he can behave reasonably with others but saves his 'PA' behaviour for home then it is more likely to be a conscious choice... aimed at you specifically... than some ingrained trait.

I'm sure there are people who change through counselling. But they have to embrace it fully, accept they are at fault, accept they have to change and then carry it through in practice in a consistent and wholehearted manner. It's encouraging that he appears to accept he is in the wrong. However, EA (and other) bullies will often promise to reform if they think the game is up simply as a delaying tactic. Very common that they wait for the dust to settle and then go back to old tricks.

HorsePetal Sat 11-Jan-14 10:54:36

I honestly think that you should stop using the term 'passive aggressive' here.

Because it sounds like a rather 'soft' term for what is actually happening and also reinforces the notion that this is not his fault, outside of his control (which is utter bollocks of course)

Your husband is a controlling, manipulative, childish, sulky bully.

He's not like this at work, or with his mates or the neighbours. He's only like this with YOU.

It's a lot to take in and to come to terms with but it's very unlikely he will ever change. The only thing you can now change is how you respond to it.

You have done a very brave thing coming on here and has been mentioned already you are clearly a very capable, articulate and clever woman.

Why not show him this thread (now that WOULD be wonderfully PA wink) then ask him to move out for a few days/weeks to give you some time to think about what you are going to do next.

SaveMeTheLastGreenTriangle Sat 11-Jan-14 11:06:57

"But it's hard for me to believe that he would do things on purpose to hurt me"

This will be because you are normal and he is an EA bully.

I couldn't believe my ex was deliberately hurting me, because that's not what you do to people you claim to love. Then when we were splitting up and discussing a particular example of his behaviour, when he had disrupted a holiday with my friends, he said "but you deserved it."

His behaviour was a choice. I suspect your H is the same.

KouignAmann Sat 11-Jan-14 17:40:52

What do you mean by positive OP?
My XH was passive aggressive and I put up with it for many years. Once I saw the light I left and am very happy with a lovely DP who treats me very well and we haven't ever had a serious argument in over two years just me being snappy and him being lovely which I think is a very positive story.
But I have a feeling you mean "Can you reassure me he can be fixed and life carry on as it is now but nicer?"

Tinks42 Sat 11-Jan-14 18:08:03

I'd look up gaslighting OP, if you haven't done so already, very subtle EA. It sounds like you are trying to cure something that just cant be cured and honing too much into one thing. Try looking at a bigger picture where he's concerned.

Tinks42 Sat 11-Jan-14 18:10:41

I'd look up gaslighting OP, if you haven't done so already, very subtle EA. It sounds like you are trying to cure something that just cant be cured and honing too much into one thing. Try looking at a bigger picture where he's concerned.

MissMagic Sat 11-Jan-14 19:51:27

My DH is passive aggressive and has been for our 10 year relationship. I can really relate to some of the things you mention - procrastination, forgetting to do things, constant negativity and sulking. I had never experienced this sort of behaviour before and was completely at a loss what to do for the first 9 years.

He also used to pay me back for things he wasn't happy about by being passive aggressive. There was a lot of door slamming, things thrown around (although never violence towards me), driving off in the car at night to make a point. The confusing thing for me was that to most people he came across as kind, gentle and easy going. It took me up until last year to realise that I wasn't going mad, and actually he did have a problem.

His mother also used to confide her marital problems in him, and his parents had a very volatile relationship. The whole family is hugely emotional and depressive and I get the feeling that he felt as a child that he had to be the strong one and hold it all together.

Things were so bad between us last year, I couldn't handle it any more.I gave him an ultimatum, either we were going to split up or he had to sort out his problems. We have two small children who he loves with all his heart and I think the thought of the family breaking up shocked him into realising he had to change.

He finally started to accept that he is passive aggressive - I don't know if this is the right term, other posters have mentioned EA and I think this may apply to my DH too. He has been to hypnotherapy/CBT and started to take a low dose of anti depressants. This seems to have helped massively. I have told him that if there is anything he is not happy with then he has to tell me directly, no more sulking or passive aggressive behaviour.

We are still getting there, he has not completely changed but he is definitely making progress. I think the turning point was when he accepted he did have a problem, and realised he needed to do something about it or he was going to lose his family. Sorry for the long post - it was really to just say that I understand where you are coming from and I do think people can change if they are willing to make the effort.

ilovelamp82 Sun 12-Jan-14 15:26:49

I can't believe how stupid I've been. There's definitely elements of gaslighting too. Literally read about it last night and then experienced it first hand this morning. It really is like a fog has been lifted. It is just one thing after another. I'm getting lots of promises to change quickly followed by one thing after another. I think he's confused because I'm calling him out on everything. He tries to give an excuse or reason foe his behaviour and when I don't accept it.

It's hard because I know he doesn't want to deal with life the way he does. He doesn't want to be like his Dad but I can now see that this is how he's handled himself for so long he can't figure out another way to be, even when explained to him.

I fear that this is unavoidably not going to end the wat I had hoped. He is working away from home next week. He was going to drive each day as I have a newborn and a toddler to look after butbi have asked him to get a hotel for a week so I can really gain some proper perspective and get things sorted. He does have a doctor's appointment this week though and I'm genuinely intrigued to hear what he says happened.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 12-Jan-14 15:33:53

It's not stupid to want to see the best in someone. However, 'he doesn't want to deal with life the way he does' is incorrect. He deals with life just fine when it's anyone but you in front of him. All you want is for him to extend you the same courtesy and that should be a simple enough task for a life-partner that he claims to love. If it's not happening, it's out of choice.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 12-Jan-14 15:36:26

BTW... he will tell you that the doctor has concluded he is not PA or EA but under great stress and it's because you are being so unreasonable and attacking him. Or words to that effect

ilovelamp82 Sun 12-Jan-14 15:47:54

You are right of course. I've been aware that he will saythat wwhen he comes back from the doctor. Ive said as much to him to his face. I've basically been waiting 2 weeks for this appointment to come round to see if I was going to be proved right. It's only in the mean time that the fog has truly been lifted.

Thanks Cogito. Really appreciate your responses and advice. Have you been through something similar yourself?

t3rr3gl35 Sun 12-Jan-14 15:49:26

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship where the actions were largely passive aggressive for 25 years. I too, believed that I needed to give him the opportunity to fix it. Again. And again. And again. Finally, I LTB. You owe it to your family to let them see you happy, not emotionally being ground into mince in front of them daily.

My final straw was realising that I was walking on eggshells around my children too - they had grown up believing that nothing i did was good enough. 10 years after leaving him, I'm still working on redefining my relationship with them and it's bloody difficult. For the sake of your future relationship with your family, get angry.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 12-Jan-14 15:56:29

Something similar. I was a lot younger but made the big mistake of hitching my wagon to someone who had 'issues' and wasting a full 12 years keeping the peace & thinking that his dreadful behaviour was not something he could control. For me the fog only lifted after he left me for someone else. I have dents in the backs of my legs from kicking myself... smile

ilovelamp82 Sun 12-Jan-14 15:56:55

Thanks. I am angry and sad but I'm also just slightly relieved and detached now. I'm just done. I'm looking forward to him going to work tomorrofiguring out what to do next. I agree that I've been think ing that I have to give him chances to fix it for tge sake of my kids. Not really thinking about how much better a Mum I will be when I don't have to be stressing about whatever thibf he's got me stressing about that day.

ilovelamp82 Sun 12-Jan-14 15:57:25

Sorry about spelling mistakes. Not sure what my phone is doing.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 12-Jan-14 16:01:32

You definitely won't miss the stress, the second-guessing or hearing his key in the lock and wondering if Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde will walk through the door today. Leaves a big hole in your life nevertheless and, for me, the hardest thing to come to terms with was it had all been such a waste of my time

ilovelamp82 Sun 12-Jan-14 16:03:17

Glad you got out. Thanks for your help. I think without the advice on here this could potentially have dragged out a lot longer.

ilovelamp82 Sun 12-Jan-14 16:07:13

I know I will miss having someone there. As sick as that sounds. And I wouldn't have my perfect little kids if it weren't for him. But he has taken a decade from me. Probably the prime years of my life. It's scary to think ofbbeing on my own but not as scary as still living this life in another 10 years wondering what happened to my life.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 12-Jan-14 16:15:57

Sadly, I didn't get out I was chucked out. smile After years of being the sympathetic listening ear for all his 'issues' and putting up with his crap he replaced me with someone new. All that the running around, clearing up his emotional messes and concern and self-sacrifice had earned me in the end was his contempt. And the new woman? .... 'she treats me better than you ever did.' Ungrateful wretch.

ilovelamp82 Sun 12-Jan-14 16:18:10

Wow! He sounds charming.

t3rr3gl35 Sun 12-Jan-14 16:27:51

I can honestly say that I never for a single second ever missed having him there.
Embrace the scary - you only get one shot at life and you should squeeze maximum joy out of it. 10 years on and I still feel the satisfaction of running a bath and knowing that I will be able to get in it and come out when I want to, not for whatever manufactured crisis he could think up to destroy a few moments peace. Or the sheer joy of putting/not putting on the TV and the freedom to watch something I choose. Cooking a meal and not having every item looked at with disdain and "constructive" comments on how they ought to have cooked or presented. Even better is the daily knowledge that I am, in fact, a decent, capable person who deserves to be treated well. smile You deserve to feel decent, capable and worthy of being loved too.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 12-Jan-14 16:28:15

As does yours. smile Good luck

3mum Sun 12-Jan-14 16:59:55

Have been lurking on this thread. OP you mentioned that you have given this man 10 years of the prime years of your life. He won't change (and Cogito is right, he is an EA bully).

I gave my EA ex (who eventually buggered off with someone else) thirty years. Thirty years of running around after him, putting up with his complaints about the state of the house and the way I looked even though I did absolutely everything to do with the house and children whilst working too, running everything in mine and the children's lives around him and his moods, never ever even getting a thank you or a compliment.

Like you I tried everything to fix "our relationship. Books, new shared interests, holidays, changing myself and the way I behaved, you name it I tried it. I wouldn't give in and I kept plugging on. I almost lost myself completely along the way.

Splitting wasn't my choice, but it was the best thing which could have happened to me. Just being able to lead my life with my children in the way I want to is such a release. It's like getting out of jail. But boy do I get furious when I think of how I wasted all my youth with him. Don't be me. Get out before it's thirty years for you too.

Tinks42 Sun 12-Jan-14 19:05:51

I even read books on "anger management" for myself due to him winding me up to the point of wanting to burst. Now he's gone - also ran off with a woman that treats him far better, I'm back to my placid self grin

ilovelamp82 Mon 13-Jan-14 22:25:41

My head is such a mess. He admits that he is emotionally abusive and passive aggressive but not that he does these things on purpose. I came downstairs this morning to find post it notes stuck everywhere each with a different reason why he loves me. He came home after work today with a bunch of flowers and then made dinner. Is this him making the appropriate effort or is he just trying to suck me back in. He thinks I'm making him out to be a monster. Is he a monster? My head is all over the place.

Got a health visitor coming round tomorrow morning, so I'm going to ask her if she can arrange for a counsellor for me before my head explodes.

Sorry to ramble again.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 13-Jan-14 22:37:34

Being charitable, he's sucking you back in. Being uncharitable, he's sucking you back in.

EA and PA doesn't mean that they are awful all the time. The whole reason you've stuck around this long is that you've seen regular flashes of the nice version of him (like notes, flowers and a bit of dinner) and, because you're an optimistic sort and because the idea of breaking up a relationship seems so daunting, you heave a sigh of relief and tell yourself... 'oh he's not so bad really'.

You can test it... there's no rush. Like factories that display big signs that say '46 DAYS SINCE THE LAST QUALITY FAILURE' you can start the clock running now and see how many days it is before he goes back to his preferred habits.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovelamp82 Mon 13-Jan-14 23:06:38

You are right again Cogito. I feel like now my eyes have been opened I would be stupid to stick around. But then I've never outright said the things that I have this time. I've normally ended up somehow taken part of the blame and plodded along. I've told him that I'm not taking any if the blame anymore and that I won't accept any of this behaviour now that I see clearly what's happening.
The truth od the matter is I wasn't going to start makingararrangements to leave until next week when he's staying away anyway. Chances are if he's going to revert back, going on past experience, if it's no differentwill bebefore then anyway and then I can know I gave it one last chance

It feels different this time. I feel like my tolerance has hit its absolute limit and I won't accept any more, but then I realise how silly that would sound if I read it.

Well I've got my health visitor tomorrow and he has his doctors appointment on Wednesday. 6 days till he goes off for a week. If it's going to go wrong, it will by then, I'm sure.

Annie - it makes me sad to think if someone else feeling the way I feel. Have you considered counselling for yourself? Do you have kids? Feel free to PM me too x

ilovelamp82 Mon 13-Jan-14 23:09:10

Sorry about mistakes. Partly my phone being strange and partly because I'm tired.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 13-Jan-14 23:16:40

There's often some 'last straw' moment and it can be something relatively trivial that triggers it. Feeling you've been had. Running out of patience. Looking at him with fresh eyes and not liking what you see. Talking about what he does and getting that shock face from a friend (or the MN board). Anything

Twinklestein Mon 13-Jan-14 23:19:21

Admitting that he's emotionally abusive and then saying he's not doing it on purpose is a essentially making a confession and then retracting it.

The point about abuse is that it is voluntary, intentional. If he can't admit that, then he's not actually admitted to being abusive at all.

Lack of self awareness may mean that an abusive person is not fully conscious of the reasons for their actions or indeed conscious of the full impact of them, but their actions are willed nonetheless.

He can stick post its round the whole house, what you really want him to do is acknowledge his behaviour and change it. That's a lot harder.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JetSetWilly Mon 13-Jan-14 23:33:24

I feel like I'm an intelligent person and the fact that I've been getting manipulated for so long has really thrown me. I don't know when my self esteem got so low that I let this behaviour become acceptable.

^^ it's because you're a nice person. Happens to a lot of us unfortunately.

You was me two years ago and I couldn't be happier now with him out of my life (somewhat we have two DCs)

The straw that broke the camels back moment was an argument about chilli con carne! But mumsnet terms helped me see the light

None of your story sounds good I'm afraid in fact it sounds very simar to mine.

Keep posting. I will answer any questions you have when I come back. Or pm me. Off to sleep now. Good luck op you can do it

ilovelamp82 Sat 25-Jan-14 15:08:41

So, he went off for work for a week. Staying in a hotel for a week, I stayed at home with a toddler (who has just started the dreaded tantrums) and a newborn, who likes to stay up all night. It's been unbelievably hard on my own with basically no sleep. He went to the doctors and got a prescription for anti depressants and started them and went to a counselling session this morning but it all kicked off before he left and I asked him not to come back after his counselling.

I locked him out the house, he tried to get in when he got back, obviously thinking I'm not serious. I had called my brother asking if he can travel to see me and give me a hug, so I told my husband that he could come in and get his stuff when my brother got here so that I could make sure he would leave again. I knew he wouldn't kick up a fuss in front of my brother and I knew he wouldn't leave and would just mess with my head more if my brother wasn't here.

I'm rambling again, but long and short of it is, he's gone. I'm glad that he's gone, I'm just worried about the logisitcal and financial side of things now. I just want to stay in my house, I don't have the energy at the moment to move elsewhere but I know that my husband can't afford to pay for somewhere else to live.

Handywoman Sat 25-Jan-14 17:42:52

OP well done. You have done amazingly, even while you are so exhausted. I really feel for you. Sometimes things just take on momentum. Is your brother sticking around with you tonight? Where do you think H will go? Have a hug and half a wine from me.

ilovelamp82 Sat 25-Jan-14 20:20:53

My brother has gone home now, I've had a friend over but just sent her home as I have a headache from crying so much. I just want to be a year from now, when I know everything will be better. I'm not looking forward to everything I need to deal with. I am looking forward to being happy though.

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