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Shaking and feel sick

(134 Posts)
PurplePest Fri 10-Jan-14 14:21:52


Apologies if this is rambling or all over the place but that's exactly what my head's like at the moment.

I don't post often at all but I'm a super regular lurker and find Mumsnet fab and full of great advice and info.

I am 38 and have a DD aged 5yo. We live with my 'partner' who is DD's Daddy. We've had a colourful past (but nothing hugely out of the ordinary) and broke up in 2007 (then I found out I was pregnant). DD and I stayed in the house until April 2009 and then moved out until Summer 2011. We - Mummy and daddy - seemed to getting along just fine. The reason for this split was a mixture of several things but instigated by my 'D'P. He said I didn't support him enough primarily. His Mum has vascular dementia and 'we' were the main carers. He also has two DS's from previous relationships so we were either looking after Mum or Ds's! But I feel I played my role very well and tried to be a good SM and almost-DIL.

Conversations, instigated by P whenever we were together, centred around getting back together, getting married, having more kids, being a family. Eventually, I bit the bullet and went back. Things on the whole have been good. We've lost three babies (February 2012 @ 14 weeks, February 2013 @16 weeks and July 2013 @9 weeks) and have supported one another well. I had a down period where it all got to me throughout October and November 2013 but came through it.

I had a period of time where I found some emails and texts (call it female intuition / gut instinct) and I addressed this with him in February 2012). Sorted. Or so I thought. He was adamant that he would stop any inappropriate texting / communicating etc.

For about 18 months I felt happy and didn't feel the need to snoop.

Moving forward to October 2013 - I needed to check my mobile phone charges as there were extra charges on the bill. Whilst looking innocently at the data, I noticed calls to a new number early in the morning, every morning, whilst he was on his way to work. And on his way back home. And whenever I wasn't at home / away for the weekend or overnight. Three calls to this number that totalled about 3 hours and the calls were made in the middle of the night. I was away.

I didn't say anything as didn't have the energy and wanted to see how things panned out.

'D'P is always a good, fun Daddy, found a decent paying job (was unemployed after redundancy for 18 months) and was loving towards me.

But - I've had this niggling feeling ever since and feel like I can't trust him. Still. So yesterday evening, he went to the gym after closing down his Yahoo page. When he left I went to see if there was a slim chance he'd not logged out. He hadn't. Emails to about three different women completely overstepping boundaries. Let's meet up for drinks, miss you, compliments, flirting, mildly sexual at times.

But the icing on the cake for me? I took in a 'friend' and her DS (friends with my DD and same age as her) who had split from her boyfriend and was in a dark place. Depressed and anxious and on a cocktail of AD's. 'We' helped her through it all. She ended up staying a year in total (August 2012 until August 2013). I had issues with 'D'P' and her being too close for my liking. On one hand he would tell me how terrible she was, bad mother, neglectful, irresponsible etc. But on the other hand they spent lots of time together whilst I was away. Away being for work or visiting friends or my Mum which I do often with my DD. He used to make me out to be nuts and losing the plot in terms of how I felt about their 'friendship'. I left it at that as there was too much going on in my head re my baby losses.

Emails between 'D'P and this bint - the one I took in, supported, sat with, talked with, shared my home with - catching up with one another. But snippets of the emails (all directed by him / instigated by him) were: miss you, when are you in London next (she moved to Czech after an ugly court case which I accompanied her to!) as I would like to see you, when have you got time for me?, have you got space in your heart / head for missing me?, we lived under the same roof for a year and I grew close to you mentally and physically and talking about me too and how I was being at that particular time.
I have changed his password and have added his email account to my iphone so can access today and until he can change it. Have forwarded incriminating emails to my work email so I have them Have also made a note of any suspect email addresses..

I have taken my laptop and some clothes for me and DD and am heading over to my Mums after school pick up. I can't bear to see him. It was hard enough being 'normal' last night as didn't want it all disclosed then whilst DD was in the house. I'm back on Sunday evening. I have put a friend on standby to have DD should I decide to talk to him.

He doesn't know I know yet but I am going to send him a text later saying that I know about his shennanigans but need time and space to digest. I am also going to ask him to stay with a friend for the week next week although I'm pretty sure he won't.

The house is in both our names. We're not married but he keeps talking about how he wants to be married. We've been engaged since 2005!!! Obviously we had a break.

I am going to email the 'frienemy' to tell her I know. I know it's not sensible but I want her to know I know.

I have spoken with two RL friends. Was helpful but my head is in a spin! I don't want to tell my Mum yet and am scared about what the future holds. My DD is sooooooooooooooo happy with us both and I'm panicking at the thought of changing her life.

I'm shaking, at work, can't eat, feel sick and can't concentrate. Am leaving in half an hour though. Feel sick, sick,'s the 'frienemy' that has thrown me completely off balance. Such betrayal from someone I considered a friend and went out of my way to help.

I don't know what to do next...I feel lost. He's messed everything up big time.

I don't think I can think of him the same ever again. I won't ever trust him or respect him as a man or partner. He's a great Daddy but hasn't he ever stopped to think how he would feel if someone was doing what he was doing to his DD?????????????

Sorry for the ramble but wanted to try and get as much info down as possible.

I won't be able to respond now for a while (not sure if I'll be able to today at all as at DM's and I really don't want her to know yet) but will be checking in soon.

Thank you for reading.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-Jan-14 14:34:35

So, in short, you've made certain compromises to get back with him, thought all in the garden was rosy and have discovered he's tomcatting around with an old friend and various other women.

Just to correct you however, he didn't 'do' anything to DD. He's indulging in a lot of ego-boosting affairs for his own pleasure and it would appear that you and DD are far from his mind. He's assumed that he can do as he pleases and there's no harm done as long as you don't twig.

So what to do... I'm afraid you have to confront your DP with the deathly phrases 'We need to talk' and 'Is there something you want to tell me?' Have a good idea in your mind what happens next because I'm sure you'll get a lot of plausible excuses.

Not pleasant but good luck

myroomisatip Fri 10-Jan-14 17:54:26

So sorry you are going through this. I know everyone is different but there is no way I could forgive that level of betrayal sad

Take action in your own time, when you are ready.

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 08:40:12

Thank you for your replies both. I stayed away from the laptop last night and went to bed with DD.

Cog - that's it in a nutshell. I do need to have that talk but I am dreading it. I guess it'll be tomorrow evening when we get back.

Just to clarify the DD point - I meant doesn't he ever think how mad he would be if someone treated his DD the way he is treating me?

But the bottom line is that he didn't expect to get caught. And thought he could have it all.

I know I can go it alone again (I enjoyed it last time even though DD was only just 1yo when we left) but I keep thinking of how things were ticking along so nicely. House getting done, planning this years holidays. Just wanted some peace and fun after 18 months of dealing with baby loss.

I am hurting so much. Still can't eat and feel sick. An struggling keeping it all in and not telling my DM.

myroom I'm not sure I can forgive this. I know he's a manipulator and I have to be on my guard. He will turn it all around and make himself the victim. Poor me, she violated my privacy, snooped and did wrong. But - as I've explained to him, if I felt secure and trusted him I wouldn't have to snoop. And good job I did! Now I know I'm not mad and unhinged. All the things he used to make me out to be when I mentioned my 'concerns'.

Well, I texted him around 3pm yesterday. Told him I knew. Told him I couldn't talk about it at the moment as needed time and space. He hasn't responded. He knows to give me space but I wonder how he's reacted to this. It's life-changing.

The other women were bad enough but it's the 'friend' I can't get over. It makes me sick to the stomach thinking if the three of us sat together in the same room. The two of them whispering in the kitchen. All the time together at home without me. Do I want to know more? I don't know...

Eugh disgusting and makes me shake.

I don't think he'll go anywhere for the week like I've asked. Next week will be difficult if we're both there. How do I make it as easy as possible and keep an even keel around DD when all I want to do is scratch his eyes out???

I feel like he's just fucked things right up and wasted 2.5years of my life. We could've just carried on as we were. Living around the corner from one another, got on well.

I feel so mentally tired.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 11-Jan-14 08:55:37

Not going anywhere isn't an option. Drive him out on the end of a sweeping brush if you have to but make it intolerable for him to stay. Not negotiable. Having him around and trying to keep an 'even keel' will just make you sick.

Crowler Sat 11-Jan-14 08:59:20

I'm so sorry to hear this OP.

I suppose the upside to this story is now you know and you can draw a line under this relationship, as well as your "friend". I hope your time at your mom's house allows you to have a good cry as well as some regrouping time so you can come up with a plan.

Seriously, don't engage him in your "betrayal" of his privacy. Just move on. You've wasted 2.5 years of your life - it could have been much, much, worse. You are a young woman and you can start a new life.

Why are you not telling your mother?

myroomisatip Sat 11-Jan-14 09:23:46

Maybe tell your mum.

As for him turning it around, well, don't engage. You what you know! Tell him to leave. No discussions. After all, there isn't anything he can say to change history.

I would protect yourself financially if you can, would he empty the bank account if he could?

Crowler Sat 11-Jan-14 09:30:03

Can you give yourself a head start in organizing yourself by not letting on that you know for the weekend?

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 10:16:39

Cog when I feel weak I will come onto MN for a talking to! I just have this feeling he won't go. But I don't know whew his head is at as we haven't spoken since 'the text'...

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA Sat 11-Jan-14 10:24:46

I am sorry but this is really for me, he has no respect for you whatsoever, it sounds like he used you to help him look after his mother and has been either shagging around behind your bck the whole time or at least trying to! The sad thing about this is that i suspect you have known all along, deep down .

Get yourself some legal advice about getting what you are entitled too from the family home etc, and getting him out - you and your DD need somewhere to live, let him go and live with one of his women!

And NO he is not a good father, he is in no way a good father

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA Sat 11-Jan-14 10:25:24

*really simple

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 10:30:07

Crowler thank you.

Yes I'm so glad I know what a little deviant he is. And not gonna waste any more time on him. The 'frienemy' is the deal breaker. I feel sick everytime I think too much about it.

I have told my Mum. Couldn't keep my gob shut! She's shocked but not surprised. Feels good to put it out there and now she knows why I've been a little odd since we got here yesterday.
Didn't want to tell her first as didn't want her to worry and also as she will now lose any little respect she ever had for him.

I feel (mentally) safe here...DS is coming over later too and we're visiting my uncle so DD will be having a ball and I can slink off and sulk!

I'm so impressed I didn't buy a bottle of vino last night and down it!!!

Crowler he knows I know as I sent him a text yesterday afternoon...

myroom I am going to be very clear with him in that I want him to go but he can be very very stubborn and pig headed and arrogant and will make it difficult.

Bank account is not too much of a problem as all the bills go from the joint account and are gone (not much else in there after Chrimbo!) and I have the mortgage going from my account (was due to move it to the joint account at the end of Jan).
Our finances were getting better after his 18 month redundancy stint and him being back in work for 6 months. So I had to suffer the slog with him and now he's got a job and money and our life's were getting financially easier, this happens...

My DM has been talking about buying him out / him buying me out / selling / moving but I can't bear thinking about all that yet. I so don't want to move. I moved 4 times (including moving out when DD was 1yo and moving back to the house again) and wanted to settle for a while!

Sigh...I feel so numb at times.

The why is killing me. I was never enough for him.

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 10:33:59

LEM thank you.

I'll be coming here for some stern words as I can be a pushover at times!

Yes I think you're right. I do feel used. Taken for a ride. All of those kind of feelings.

I will get legal advice. How do I start? Sorry I sound silly but haven't had to do this before and not thinking as practically as I would normally!

I want him out. Out of the house, out of my head, out of my heart.

He's going to make it hard though...

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 10:35:15

My main concern at the mo us that he won't go tomorrow...

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 10:35:32

*is not us

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 10:39:37

LEM I think I have known deep down all along that he's a twat but when I went back in 2011 we discussed things in detail and I really thought he'd try to make things work as he chased me for ages! And I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and wanted to try once more for DD's sake.

FFS he's turned my world upside down. Happy fooking new year!

Crowler Sat 11-Jan-14 10:53:25

Is he on the title to the house? Is he on the mortgage?

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 10:56:47

Yes Crowler he is on title and mortgage. We're joint tenants.

Fairenuff Sat 11-Jan-14 11:00:26

I think you would feel in a stronger position if you see a solicitor about the legalities of whether you can make him leave the house.

Sorry this has happened to you but you don't want to live like this for years on end. Best to go through the whole process now and work on building a happier future for you and your dd.

Viviennemary Sat 11-Jan-14 11:02:07

From what you are saying you feel that you can't trust him ever again and things won't be the same. Some men do seem to think that they can behave how they like as long as there partner doesn't know about it there is no harm done. Which of course is nonsense. I agree that it's time to call it a day once and for all. And about the frenemy. Sadly there does exist this sort of woman.

Fairenuff Sat 11-Jan-14 11:05:19

It's not just men, women too. Most cheaters think they won't be caught. They don't care enough about their partners not to do it.

It will be a very difficult time OP but you will be so much better off in the long run.

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 11:16:04

Thank you all. This is exactly what I need. Advice, kind words and support...

Fair I don't want to live like this. Always wondering if he's crossing boundaries again. And yes, in the long run, DD and I will be better off.
And yes, it's not just men that cheat. Sad that he doesn't think enough of me to be mine and mine alone.

Right now, for me, it doesn't matter how physical it got with any of them, it just wasn't right to be having these relationships / friendships secretly whilst harping on and on about how sad he was that I wouldn't marry him yet...

LEM was just reading back and I said exactly the same to my DM this morning - let him go stay with one of his women!!! Let them have his farting and messiness!

Viv the trust is well and truly gone. Then 'frienemy' thing took care of that and nailed it for me. Eugh.

I've just taken my engagement ring off. sad

Crowler Sat 11-Jan-14 11:25:16

I have a good friend going through a divorce right now (so a bit different) but it's really hard to get them out of the house in the absence of violence. But do see a solicitor ASAP. Good luck. Thinking of you. cake

NumptyNameChange Sat 11-Jan-14 11:25:25

just in case no one has said: he is not a good dad as you claim he is.

would you feel like a good mother if you had been messing round with her father's friend, messing about with men knowing it could mean the absolute destruction of your daughter's 'family' and home life? i doubt you would.

he has gambled her happiness and security and getting to live with her on a daily basis for what?

that's not being a parent let alone a good one.

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 12:03:33

Crowler thank you again. I'm so glad I posted. This is helping me hugely...

Numpty I love your name!!!
I can't disagree with you one bit...when you put it that way especially. I guess I'm trying to hold on to something good. But you're right. Why would you risk all this for some frivolous fun?

NumptyNameChange Sat 11-Jan-14 12:22:06

because there is something wrong with you basically. (him i mean obviously!)

be it immaturity or pathology or selfishness or whatever it is. it may even be an understandable thing but the fact is even if it is he's chosen to deal with it in this way rather than talk to you or face up to it and try to deal with it.

it's not, as you said, that you've never been enough. it's not about you is it? it's about him.

NumptyNameChange Sat 11-Jan-14 12:26:49

btw i'm glad you feel able to do it alone and i think it's a good thing that you know the two of you have managed to co-parent despite not being together in the past.

it is all terribly sad of course but it need only be those 2.5 years now rather than more of your life wasted as you put it.

you sound lovely and very capable and i'm sure that you will be a resourceful and capable single parent and will build a happy life. i'm sorry that you have to go through this period but i'm betting there will be much positive stuff ahead for you x

NumptyNameChange Sat 11-Jan-14 12:29:37

sorry, that ^^ sounds flippant but clearly you are the stronger, more stable, more at one with yourself and on track one in this partnership ergo you can only be better off without him.

tying yourself to someone who is never going to measure up is a true waste of a life. in case it is a factor for you i just want to say that i'm sure there'll be other opportunities to try for more children in the future as well. please don't conflate the relationship ending with your chances of having another child ending. very, very separate.

NumptyNameChange Sat 11-Jan-14 12:31:22

oh and i am really really sorry for all the miscarriages you've been through. i have only been through it once and it was huge so i can only imagine what it's like to have it happen again and again.

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 12:41:13

Numpty it is about him and not me - you're right. But as it's so raw right now it does make you feel inadequate / unable to be 'the one' etc...although I know I shouldn't feel in anyway responsible...

I feel confident I'll be ok but it's the transition from now until then. That journey. I'm dreading it. The awkwardness, the disagreements, the planning, this thing becoming oh-so-real...

I know I'll be better off without him. No more feeling insecure or not sure re trust etc.

Friends and family have always said he's a good manipulator...

The miscarriages were awful. Such a hard time for us. I thought we would've become closer but instead he decided to get close to the 'frienemy' I helped and took into my home...

And I didn't think you were being flippant!

MarchelineWhatNot Sat 11-Jan-14 12:48:16

PurplePest, you sound like a really together person. You don't need him, seriously you don't. And your mum sounds great and very supportive. Please don't get back with him, you are worth so much more.

Oh, and about the miscarriages... when you decide to try again, please explore why you had the previous miscarriages. Could it be immunity issues, for instance?

Good luck, babe - I am sure you and your DD have a great future ahead of you without this dick.

Crowler Sat 11-Jan-14 13:06:14

Platitude of the day: Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Live it well, my dear.

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 13:19:46

March thank you. I'm sure I can't be with him. He repulses me. His lies, his secrecy, his proclamations of love everyday!
I don't want to be with him anymore. I love him but hate him.

Re the miscarriages - first one was brain and skull not foing properly, second was Downs and third I don't know.
I am currently in the process of organising talking to consultants at the hospital via the bereavement midwife (who's wonderful!) to see if they can explore what's been going on.

DM is being great as are a couple of friends I have told.

Crowler yes!!!

Anyone fancy going over and chopping his balls off for me???

We will be fine, DD and I, but right now I feel like shit. I feel like I've failed. The disappointment is huge. And it feels like the last 2.5years have been a lie. But at least only 2.5years!

I've been drinking tea like crazy!!! brew

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 13:35:25

Oh and now I think about it - 'D'P, from time to time, would say (if I were off out or waxing my legs etc) 'you got a date or something?' and things like that and occasionally tell me he thought I was having an affair. Projection?

Doha Sat 11-Jan-14 17:01:10

Has he made any attempt to contact you at all or do you think by giving you space he thinks it will all blow over

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 17:52:21

He hasn't contacted me Doha...I honesty don't know what's going on in his head...would love to know.

Doha Sat 11-Jan-14 18:15:34

Coward ---he hasn't got the balls to face you or contact you !
You have not failed Purple he has failed spectacularly both you and your DD
Hold your head high, remain your dignity and get him out the house if you can.
It may be an idea to get some legal advice just to see where you stand. I am glad you have some RL support and your mum sounds lovely

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 18:41:59

Thank you Doha.

I can't make my mind up if it's cowardice or anger - how dare you violate my privacy etc as I KNOW he'll play victim.

I am determined to stay strong, keep composed and retain all dignity. It's gonna be hard!

Am going to try to get some legal advice on Monday. I don't have a clue where to start though.

DM, bro and sis and friend have been fantastic.

Am going to try and eat something soon. Not eaten a thing since Thursday evening. Feel constantly sick!

Not sure what I'm walking into tomorrow night. Good thing my friend will have DD over for sleepover in case there's lots of shouting etc! I want to say as little as possible. Not sure what there is to say except how we move forward sensibly with as little fallout as poss...

Crowler Sat 11-Jan-14 19:37:40

Purple, I hope you can remember just one thing: don't engage. If you do, he's going to try to chip away at your resolve. If you're calm and resolute and economical with the words, he'll find you so much more a force to reckon with. Keep it simple.

Crowler Sat 11-Jan-14 19:38:54

I heard Katy's Perry's "Wide Awake" whilst on the treadmill today and it made me think of you, incidentally!

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 20:17:26

I am going to try my very best not to engage. I don't want to. I don't want reasons or excuses. I don't want to hear how he's been violated. My decision is made. Me and him can't be together. He wants other female attention. He's in a position to go and do it freely now! And good luck to him!.

crowler you made me smile. Thank you.

Minime85 Sat 11-Jan-14 20:30:51

some really strong sounding messages from you. you will be ok and sound like you have great RL support. keep smiling and believing and moving forward one step at a time.

PurplePest Sun 12-Jan-14 08:32:38

Thank you mini...feeling a liitle tired and when I wake I have to process it all and it I still can't sometimes believe it's happened.

Update - he texted with 'Morning what time are you coming home?' just after 8 am. I texted back just now saying 'Morning. Not sure. What are your plans?' Let's see what he says and what his plans are. Will he do the decent thing and disappear before we get back? I don't feel like talking to him. I have nothing to say except discuss how we move on separately. That can be done later. Need head space. It's been great being away from him but how funny that as soon as his name popped up on my screen my emotions went into overdrive...sadness, love, normality for a split second (!), and panic! God I hate him. Can't deny that I love him but I hate him so much for ruining what we had. Fucking fucktard. sad

PurplePest Sun 12-Jan-14 08:33:15

Apologies for typos - bloody phone!

Allergictoironing Sun 12-Jan-14 08:48:22

I would probably have texted "Morning. Depends, what time will you be gone by? Some time after that".

Can almost guarantee he won't leave without pushing, a LOT of pushing. He will be hoping he can sweet talk you round as it's just this one aberration, will never happen again, only happened because [^some excuse^] etc etc. Or will want to explain how you drove him to it (though that may come later down the line).

PurplePest Sun 12-Jan-14 08:55:05

Him - I don't have any plans. What's your plans?

Me - Oh OK. I am coming home today but not sure what time. I take it you're not going to stay somewhere for a few days?

Waiting for the next one...even though there is no need for text convos. But I do want to know (even only in a teeny tiny way) what I'm going home to.

allergic yep he will do all those things. He will defo tell me how I pushed him to it by being moody and hard to be round. FFS we lost babies. Of course I'd struggle!
And the snooping will be a HUGE thing. Almost probably more important to him than his betrayal and cheating.

I will defo leave DD with a friend.

PurplePest Sun 12-Jan-14 09:01:37

No am not staying away for a few days, this is our home.... When you know what time u2 are coming, let me know... Am not sure why you want me out the house....

This is what I've just had back from him. WTF???

desperatelyseekingsolace Sun 12-Jan-14 09:04:00

Hi * Purple* thinking of you this morning, hoping you are feeling ok. Wishing you strength and calm.

PurplePest Sun 12-Jan-14 09:13:44

Thank you desperate and morning to you. You're one of the first people I thought about this morning!

He's making me feel angry right now. Had such a lovely evening with my family last night. Made me realise I have nothing to be scared of. But I am not looking forward to this evening. It's making me feel sick.

I ate a handful of peanuts, casserole and bread and drank prosecco last night. Glad I ate a little but not sure I'll stomach anything today.

Are you eating lovely desperate?

Can't believe he doesn't know why he should go...playing things down will not work. Our home he says. He broke our home when he got busy with the lodging frienemy!

NotQuiteSoOnEdge Sun 12-Jan-14 09:22:39

Purple, you are being too passive and handing him the responsibility to 'do the right thing' which he simply won't do. Don't text and say 'I take it you aren't going'. That tells him you've already given up and expect him to stay. Text him 'I want you out by 3pm (or whatever time). You have lost your right to your home. This does not need an explanation.'

Allergictoironing Sun 12-Jan-14 09:25:13

He knows damned well why you want him to go, but is hoping that if he plays it down you may come round to believing that it isn't the really big deal you think it is hmm. He also knows he has more chance of a) playing it down & b) persuading you that it's at least partially your fault, if he can be in the same house as you with constant interaction.

He may also be "ostrich-ing" a bit, hoping if he keeps his head down & ignores it, it will all blow over.

If you go back with him still in the house you will be bombarded with denials, arguments and excuses, possibly interspersed with flowers & protestations of love & how he'll make it up to you, in the hope of wearing you down especially in your current slightly fragile mental state due to shock.

PurplePest Sun 12-Jan-14 09:48:37

Not I know I know. I'm too soft. That's why I'm where I am now! Sigh. I haven't responded yet but will soon saying I want him gone. He still won't go.

allergic you're spot on. He will want to analysis my snooping etc and question where his DD is etc. I don't feel obliged to tell him anything at the mo. I know we'll have to talk eventually but I don't want to tonight. I need my space and time.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 12-Jan-14 09:49:45

Just read your thread...sorry you're going through this.

I agree- you're almost giving him a choice to go. Tell him to fuck off. Of he won't go, wait til he goes to work and put a bag on the front door step. 'Our home'.... He wasn't thinking like that when he was up to no good with your 'friend' in your house....

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Sun 12-Jan-14 09:50:09

Don't buckle, he's a turd. I wouldn't even/definitely would not be putting 'morning' in my texts as I would not give a shiney shite whether he has a good morning or not. It would be all about my DC and me from now on. Get angrier is what I am saying.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 12-Jan-14 09:53:48

Yep...get angry.

Fairenuff Sun 12-Jan-14 09:57:51

Do you both own the house jointly? If so, you cannot make him leave. If he won't go you will need to get legal advice.

One way of getting him out is to pretend that you might consider staying with him and working on the relationship. Tell him that you need some space whilst you think about it. Ask him to move out 'for a few days' so that you can have some thinking time.

If he falls for that, he will move out voluntarily, at least for a short while and this will give you time to start finding out how you can keep him out.

PurplePest Sun 12-Jan-14 10:02:42

Thank you all. Yes I need to get angry but I am still in shock and hurting bad.

I've texted him back with this:
Did you read my text from Friday? Further explanation is not needed. That is explanation enough. A deal breaker. It is over. You broke our home when you went with the lodging frienemy. And the other emotional affairs you're having. Please go. I need space and time before we talk about moving forward with as little fallout as poss.

We own the house jointly and I know I can't make him leave. Will be trying to get some legal advice on Monday or Tuesday faire.

Thanks mamma and dinnae.

Minime85 Sun 12-Jan-14 10:10:40

he needs to have a very calmly delivered reality check. be factual on what he has done and why he should leave. I agree it sounds like he will try and talk you round.

its so hard when your world crashes around you and you are living this life you never thought would happen. I know what you mean about waking up and having to process it all. that does get easier. my situation not identical but ex and I separated all led by him.

but it does get easier honestly. you wake up and it doesn't feel so raw. and you do get enjoyment from things again. slowly but surely it will happen. and you start to see the positives of being on your own. (see lone parent thread for good one on positives of being a lone parent. )

in coming weeks see if anyone can give you a recommendation for a solicitor and go and find out where u stand, I found that invaluable.

hope your dd is ok too. how much does she realise is going on? thanks

mammadiggingdeep Sun 12-Jan-14 10:18:31

That reply text u sent is perfect. Calm. To the point. He cannot argue with that but be ready for him to try. He'll deny most likely and make u feel like you're going mad.

You will be fine. Be kind to yourself and get a good friend round if if helps. Glad you've had time with your mum this weekend and she's supportive.

MissScatterbrain Sun 12-Jan-14 10:21:10

Poor you sad

Stop doing all his chores - washing, cooking, shopping etc.

Get legal advice about how to get him to leave.

Once he realises you won't shut up about his cheating behaviour, he is more likely to go.

PurplePest Sun 12-Jan-14 11:07:02

It's now getting messy. I've made it clear in two texts that it is over and he's carrying on like normal. Washing on, popping to gym, when are we (DD and I) coming home etc. When I reiterated that we are over he sent a long ares angry text saying I'm not clean in all this, if I was happy I wouldn't have invaded his privacy, I've always wanted an excuse to leave, things will get messy, I didn't ever support him through the loss of our babies. He supported me. He wrote yes I fucked someone but no one died. Lots more. I 'm in for a hard time tonight. And he won't go.

PurplePest Sun 12-Jan-14 11:07:40

Thank you for your messages. Please don't think me rude if I don't respond to all of them at the mo...head us spinning...

Allergictoironing Sun 12-Jan-14 11:19:51

Ah so following the script again - it's all your fault he couldn't keep his dick to himself, and that catching him out is a worse crime than him actually doing something.

I am shock that anyone can believe that the father needs as much support as the mother after a miscarriage, for purely biological reasons if nothing else, but then again just more proof that he is even more self centred and self entitled than you thought.

Take " things will get messy" as a threat; he's going to make everything as painful and difficult for you as he possibly can. In revenge for you finding him out & showing him up, if nothing else.

Fairenuff Sun 12-Jan-14 11:24:57

Let him rant away and keep the texts. He has admitted infidelity, in writing. Do not respond but let him dig himself into a deeper hole.

Now. One thing at a time. Mumsnet is here to support you. In whatever you decide to do. You do not have to decide everything right now.

Look after yourself. Eat and rest as much as you can. You have real life support from your family. You have done nothing wrong. You are in a strong position.

He is flailing around because he knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on. Do you have to go back home today? What about waiting until he is at work?

Minime85 Sun 12-Jan-14 11:34:32

never worry about not replying. as previous poster said mnet here to support u. it will probably get messy and you will go through loads of stages with it all, but it will get better. it will be worth it.

again as already said by another poster u don't have to make any huge decisions yet. no rush. give yourself time to process it all x

nopanicandverylittleanxiety Sun 12-Jan-14 11:56:33

Stay strong. It will be worth it in the long run.

I would take pleasantries out of texts. Leave them as civil but crystal clear that things have changed and you won't be worked on or talked round. Don't engage in arguments with him. You seriously don't need to defend yourself to him; he has behaved in a way that totally negates that.

I would think about staying elsewhere just until you have received legal advice and have a definite plan you can stick to.

I think you love who you thought he was. That will go in time when the new reality of who he is actually sinks in. It did for me.

Meerka Sun 12-Jan-14 11:58:27

I would say don't get drawn into discussion or into anything but calmly repeating that you want him to leave, that he cheated and you want him out of your life. Getting drawn into discussion will let him string it out and spin it into a web of lies.

Keep the texts yes!

And solicitor tomorrow.

MissScatterbrain Sun 12-Jan-14 12:16:07

Urgh - his reaction is to threaten you by saying things will get messy - not a thought for his DC. Its all me, me, me isn't he?

People like him can't take responsibility for their actions, hence the blaming you. Talk about scraping the barrel when he says you weren't supportive enough when you lost your babies FFS!!

NumptyNameChange Sun 12-Jan-14 12:27:11

gross! utterly gross human being.

acknowledging he cheated but so what and it's all your fault anyway.

keep the text.

god i'm so sorry.

fifi669 Sun 12-Jan-14 12:43:47

What a knob.

Pollydon Sun 12-Jan-14 12:50:57

Stay strong op, sending my best flowers

desperatelyseekingsolace Sun 12-Jan-14 13:03:03

Purple I am sorry, this must be very painful for you. I would say his callousness is shocking only it's not because my H behaved like this. But you are right to stand your ground. Whatever the future holds for you, you will not gain anything by caving in now.

Crowler Sun 12-Jan-14 14:17:23

Purple, thinking of you. Stay strong. What a wanker he is - don't engage. There's nothing scarier than a person who is calm, silent and angry.

JuliaScurr Sun 12-Jan-14 14:28:31

free legal advice

Hi Purple. I hope you are getting past feeling that you have "failed". In my experience I feel like this when my confidence has been knocked. You had really good intentions going back. He is the knobber who has failed you and your daughter.
He sounds like someone who is very good at justifying his actions, is very unself-aware and is unable to admit he has made a mistake. Unlikely to ever change. Be glad you have found out now.
Bloody pain in the arse having to deal with the practicalities, when you are already drained. One day at a time, break it down into small bits, grab fun and laughter where you can and be kind to yourself. Hard to eat when in a crisis sometimes. Set yourself small goals and be proud of yourself x

newlifeforme Sun 12-Jan-14 15:47:48

I feel for you, him admitting an affair must be such a head fuck, having your worst fears confirmed.He is invalidating your feelings and blaming you.I guess you are still in shock trying to process the end of your relationship.Remember he has been hiding this from you and is therefore more mentally prepared.He has probably thought through responses and he is certainly on the 'attack is the best defense' strategy.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Sun 12-Jan-14 19:01:01

What bouquet said, break it into small manageable segments like an orange (spit out the pips as you go and by the way he IS a pip!) How very dare he treat you and his daughter like this? I could do the deed you mentioned upthread. Castration is part of my day job. I am used to using sharp sterile instruments though but I could change that! ;)

ScottishPies Mon 13-Jan-14 00:20:44

hows it going Purple? - I'm worried about you!

NatashaBee Mon 13-Jan-14 00:52:13

What a prize bellend. I hope you get some legal advice and get him out the house ASAP.

captainmummy Mon 13-Jan-14 08:56:21

Purple - hope you are ok.

You can tell him that he would have a grievance (of your 'snooping') if he has not had something to hide!!! As it is, you found evidence of him being a complete shit, and he doesn't like it.

Def, keep all texts, and see a solicitor asap.

PurplePest Mon 13-Jan-14 08:58:59

Morning all.

I have just skimmed through all your replies and I have to admit I am laughing and crying at the same time. For the simple reason that you are amazing and the support I am getting is giving me strength and making me think about things that might not have crossed my mind.

DD and I are back home. He and I talked for a few hours before I agreed to bring her back. We went through every emotion - anger, sadness, so much and there was shouting, crying and everything in between. For the last couple of hours we spoke calmly and rationally re moving forward just this week...

I will probably keep drop feeding as my head is a muddle and I'm rembembering things he said all the time.

We will talk again this evening about him going. He knows I want him to. In the meantime he will sleep in loft. And see DD. And we will try and keep things normal for her for those couple of evening hours a week.

He leaves for work at 6am and is doing lots of overtime at the moment.

He assures me I don't need to go and get checked out for STD's as he has not shagged anyone.

He says it's the cyber / virtual relationship thing that he enjoys. He says he and the frienemy only kissed and cuddled one day after she left when she came back to collect some stuff and bought beers with her. Bitch bitch bitch. I think she did it on purpose. I really do. But I still don't know what to believe. Processing if all. Part of me says no effing way has he not shagged someone. The other part says believe.

But it doesn't been matter anymore. He effed up.

I have done a sick day today to process and veg out. I still can't face eating but am with a friend today who will at least coax me into eating a biscuit with my tea.

He is being lovely at the mo. And has said he will delete every contact on his phone and email infront of he. Will give the Shirley Glass book a go and think about counselling. These were the things we spoke about when things had calmed down. We are not together. I
Have emphasised that. But I
Have also said that I will not make things difficult in terms of him and DD. They spend a lot of time together. I want
As much normality for her as poss.

What a bloody mess.

You are all amazing. Thank you from the bottom if my heart! Xxx

MissScatterbrain Mon 13-Jan-14 09:19:46


A few things - he admitted to fucking someone so he's now backtracking?!

The way he treated you and justified his cheating is just horrendous so please remember this if you are tempted to give him another go.

Also Shirley Glass is more for those who are considering reconciliation -and counselling should be for you alone as you have had a lot to deal with recently.

I would really recommend him leaving ASAP otherwise it will be really hard to move on with him whining and breathing down your neck.

Child access needs to be formal so that everyone knows what is happening, when and where. All handovers to take place on door step and visits to be away from the home which should be your sanctuary.

Crowler Mon 13-Jan-14 09:24:56

Dear Purple, he's just telling you a bunch of shite. Please tell him to fuck off.

Consider this: if he had any decency he'd move out and not force physical proximity on you. That would be a show of deference and regret on his part - and perhaps a sign that you could consider moving forward with him. Business as usual is just a way to make you second-guess your version of events.

Custardo Mon 13-Jan-14 09:29:56

he's full of shit, and if you don't go and get legal advice, this shit will happen again and again.

don't be stupid about this, its not fair on your child

PurplePest Mon 13-Jan-14 09:36:57

I can't think straight.

I am going to tell him to go again this evening.

I can't do anything proactive today but will sort legal advice tomorrow. I simply do not have the energy today. After being with family all weekend and with him for a big part of yesterday talking I am spent.

I am taking everything he says with a pinch of salt.

Although I am being strong I found myself swaying somewhat yesterday. Which is why it's best to see him as little as possible right now I guess. He has less opportunity to feed me poo.

petalsandstars Mon 13-Jan-14 09:59:23

he admitted to fucking someone else in his text and is now saying he just cuddled

You will not get any straight answers from him

Do not trust him for one second!

Crowler Mon 13-Jan-14 10:02:49

It doesn't matter if it's a cuddle or sex (and seriously, there was sex). There's no difference. Please.

Allergictoironing Mon 13-Jan-14 11:54:05

Yesterday he texted you " He wrote yes I fucked someone but no one died" - so what part of that says he hadn't shagged anyone?. Whether he was lying yesterday or lying today doesn't matter - he lied full stop. About something that is so fundamentally important to a marriage that it can't be glossed over as something he said in a rage to hurt you without him being a total and utter bastard in the first place.

So - a lying shit, and either unfaithful or someone who tried to hurt you in the worst way he could. Either way, beyond the pale IMO

captainmummy Mon 13-Jan-14 13:14:55

Please don't just beleive him, purple. As others have said - he's admitted 'fucking' someone. (Maybe not the frenemy, maybe someone else? Is he saying - 'No I didn't fuck her' instead of 'No i didn;t fuck anyone?' Big difference.)

Get an STI for your own health/peace of mind; then tell him you've done so. If he thinks you are making a point, then yes, you are. He is a sneaky lying shit and he should know that you think that.

desperatelyseekingsolace Mon 13-Jan-14 13:59:59

hope you're OK Purple.

I understand that its extremely tempting, when someone is on their best behaviour, to give the benefit of the doubt.

I'm not going to tell you to give up your relationship -- only you can decide that.

But I think you should insist that he moves out, albeit temporarily, while you sort it out. If he stays put it will be too easy for him to normalise things without him really facing up to what's happened.

I think it is easy for others to be clearheaded about this (to others looking in it is obvious that he is lying to save his skin) but when you are in the midst of it, the reality is it is sometimes done in stages. It is hard to turn your feelings off like a tap. I think you will come to realise in the coming days that unfortunately he is a shit. The lies will keep on coming. And you deserve MUCH better.
He can still see your DD for 2hrs each evening without him living there.
She can be your focus.
I am sorry you have to go through this sadness. The future will be much brighter x

Fairenuff Mon 13-Jan-14 19:52:20

He is being lovely at the mo. And has said he will delete every contact on his phone and email infront of he. Will give the Shirley Glass book a go and think about counselling.

That's great but, when you think about, that's not what you wanted is it. All you wanted was for him to move out to give you some space and time to think.

Hold fire on the counselling. He can read whatever books he wants if he wants to inform himself, but he should not be doing it for you. He should do it because he wants to and chooses to, regardless of whether or not you are together.

He slept with someone else and is still lying about it. You cannot believe a word he says. Go for that sti check anyway. You cannot trust his word on this.

Now. Concentrate on one thing. You have asked him for one thing. You have asked him to move out for a while.

Is he doing this for you? Or are all his promises just hot air.

It does not mean it's permanent. It does not mean you can't change your mind. But for now he should move out. Will he do that?

PurplePest Tue 14-Jan-14 10:22:21

I have been reading all your posts. Thank you.

Quick update - he is going to stay with a friend today. He'll come back to see DD in the evenings for an hour or so and then go.

He's being very agreeable and says he knows he's got lots of work to do and months and months of making good.

I don't know what'll happen but some space is a good start. I feel OK but will have to go into work tomorrow.

It's hard juggling all those day to day things when you just want to curl up and weep. But it makes it all worthwhile when DD is being her usual happy self and is not aware of what's going on with her parents.

Fairenuff Tue 14-Jan-14 16:53:41

It's a start Purple. Now, when you are in the house without him, make sure the doors are locked and leave the key in the lock so that he cannot just let himself in. He will have to knock.

Ideally he should not come everyday, because he will still be trying to get you to change your mind, still putting the pressure on you. He is supposed to be leaving you alone.

Make sure he pre-arranges a time to visit that is convenient to you. Could you get someone else to be there so that he doesn't try to talk to you. The purpose of his visit is to see his daughter but he will use this opportunity to try and ingratiate himself with you.

Remember, right now, all you want is space.

The best option would be for a friend or relative to come over during the hour that he is there and for you to not be in the house at all. They could come over just before he is due to arrive and ring you when he has left.

That way he won't get to see you at all but will still have time with your dd. What do you think?

PurplePest Wed 15-Jan-14 06:54:54

He went last night. I slept well. He is not going to come back to see DD until Friday now and on Saturday DD and I are off out for the day. He'll spent Sunday with her.

Work will be difficult today but I guess best to get back into routines.

NumptyNameChange Wed 15-Jan-14 07:22:40

good luck at work today purple. it might be good to have a bit of routine and distraction, you never know. is there anyone at work in a more senior position you'd feel comfortable talking to and letting know you're under a lot of stress?

PurplePest Wed 15-Jan-14 09:57:07

Think I will tell my boss today so he knows. I have so much on at work too that I should say I'm not feeling great as I know concentration might not be my strongest point this week!

PurplePest Wed 15-Jan-14 10:00:09

Is there any way this relationship can work?

I may well sound mad but I am swinging from hot, cold, good, bad, love, hate and everything in between...

Early days I know but need to think of all possibilities...he says he'll do everything in his power to prove to me it's us he I explore??? And how do we even start working through this mess???

I am lost.

Crowler Wed 15-Jan-14 10:10:57

I think you need to take one day at a time, Purple. You don't need to decide to cut him out forever. I'm impressed that he's moved out and given you some space. That's a really positive move, and one that assumes some responsibility.

mistlethrush Wed 15-Jan-14 10:18:42

Purple - wrt the house, when he was out of work, presumably you were paying the mortgage - and the fact its coming out of your account still I would think is positive - I would hope that would mean that you would get more of any uplift if it came to selling it. Might be worth working out what you have put into the mortgage payments between you.

PurplePest Wed 15-Jan-14 10:19:05

It took me a few days but kept reiterating that that's what I needed him to do. He's making a huge deal about the snooping but I say I am glad I snooped. Otherwise I would be none the wiser.

mistlethrush Wed 15-Jan-14 10:23:24

Was he going to come clean without you snooping? If he hadn't done anything wrong in the first place, your 'snooping' wouldn't have found anything anyway - so he wouldn't have known about it and you would have satisfied yourself that there was no issue. How on earth can he suggest that looking at emails etc is remotely on the same par as what he did? It is part of the script though, so at least he is playing his part well hmm

Crowler Wed 15-Jan-14 10:25:13

Not good that he's making much of the snooping. It's one of those paradoxes whereby you're wrong for doing it only if it turns out you're wrong. If you're right, you're right.

PurplePest Wed 15-Jan-14 10:25:14

Exactly mistle! I tell him this.

And he says that I should've just confronted him about his inappropriate contact with women and he would've stopped. I'm I think not. Not as bloody easy as that.

Fucking idiot. I am so angry with him.

PurplePest Wed 15-Jan-14 10:27:30

crowler it's ridiculous but I guess he has to try and play the victim. He needs to have something to feel hard done by.

But I will stick to my guns on thus one. It's tiresome. I snooped and I found. End of. I hate snooping but one thing is for sure - I've been reminded just how powerful gut instinct / female intuition / spider senses are. Always follow them.

mistlethrush Wed 15-Jan-14 10:27:30

So he thought that his contact with women was 'inappropriate' (is that his word?) and yet kept on doing it?

PurplePest Wed 15-Jan-14 10:31:54

Said he's feeding his insecurities and needed support whilst he was supporting me after losing babies.

I think he'd do it anyway tbh.

Said it's all been email, text and one of the women works at the gym so sees her there.

With the bitch frienemy it was a kiss and cuddle after she had left and was picking up some stuff..

Sad thing is that in all the emails I read, he's doing the chasing. Sad old man.

Please don't think I'm lapping his stories up. Just don't know what the hell to think!

I know he has epically fucked up. That's the bottom line.

As an aside - he is dyslexic and often his texts don't make sense so I still don't know what he meant by parts of them. He promises he didn't fuck anyone.

I will go to the clinic to get checked out anyway. It's not like I can trust him can I???

PurplePest Wed 15-Jan-14 10:32:44

mistle inappropriate is my word! Not sure he called it anything!

PurplePest Wed 15-Jan-14 13:07:42

Trying to cheer myself up so I have booked a hair restyle for this afternoon! I have long hair but am going to chop it all off! Therapy takes all shapes and forms!

MissScatterbrain Wed 15-Jan-14 13:26:27

Good luck at the hairdressers - hope you love your new hair.

PurplePest Wed 15-Jan-14 13:32:34

Thank you MissScstterbrain. Will take my mind off things for a bit and will feel good afterwards. Not to mention the fact that he hates my hair short! Been thinking of doing it for ages...

MissScatterbrain Wed 15-Jan-14 13:40:45

Lol! You should think of other things that will bring you pleasure and make you feel good - bubble baths, new nail polish, coffee with a friend, a trip etc.

Now is the time to focus on yourself.

PopiusTartius Wed 15-Jan-14 14:04:44

You asked: Can this relationship work?

In all honesty love, I don't think it can.

His responses are not the responses of a "good guy who fucked up in a moment of madness". In that instance I would expect my husband, for instance, to be BESIDE himself with guilt, grief, remorse. I would expect him to have given me everything I asked for without hesitation in order to give me a chance to think things through.

Please think on how he has responded.

When he didn't know exactly what you had found out he ADMITTED to you that he fucked someone. There is no dyslexia in this world that can explain "So I fucked someone, nobody died".

He has threatened you that things "will get messy" if you split up.

He has blamed you for his infidelity (and that IS what it is) thus:
1. You didn't support him enough when YOU had 3 miscarriages
2. You should have confronted him about his 'inappropriate behaviour' (kissing, cuddling and fucking other women, ringing them several times a day, chasing them via email and that's just the bit you know about)
3. You are unhappy. You are looking for an excuse to leave etc.
4. He refused to give you the one thing you wanted: space - until you had had to beg for it several times over.

Please read it in black and white. These are NOT the actions of a good man, partner or father. You deserve better than this man. Please don't be beholden to him and stay in this miserable, disrespectful relationship because you are scared you won't "do any better".

And please please, also, don't stay for your DD. Because actually what you teach her is that women don't deserve to be loved, respected and cared for, that they should put up with being treated badly for the sake of peace and harmony. She can still see her father but she will know that she doesn't ever have to be beholden to a shitty cheat of a man because of fear or guilt or anything else. Teach her how to make good relationship choices in the future by making them yourself now.

It will be hard, it will be scary but millions of women just as scared as you do it and make it through, and you will both end up better off.

PurplePest Wed 15-Jan-14 14:34:11

pop that's a great post. Thank you.

All you say is true. He should be so up my arse he's touching my tonsils but I don't think he gets that. Let's see where this goes...right now I can't taking each day as it comes and for now, the space is great.

AnyFucker Wed 15-Jan-14 15:04:38

It will never work with a man who thinks it is your responsibility to stop him messing about with other women

He wouldn't have done it if you had stopped him ?


PurplePest Wed 15-Jan-14 15:36:20

any you're right. It's not my responsibility to stop him messing around. But the good thing is that I am feeling angrier now. Slowly. And that anger should help me stay grounded and stay strong.

MissScatterbrain I am planning to make try and do nice things for myself to help ease the anxiety and the constant sicky feeling and lack of appetite. I have not eaten properly since last Thursday. Just can't face it.

This is so shit.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 15-Jan-14 15:36:51

"I know he has epically fucked up."

No he hasn't.

He's been taking the piss out of you for years and you finally opened eyes and saw what was right in front of your face.

And sorry, but dyslexia is not the reason he told you he fucked someone else but you weren't allowed to be pissed off about it because nobody died.

struggling100 Wed 15-Jan-14 16:02:57

Oh God, I am so, so sorry you're having to deal with such an epic wankbag. Get as far away from him as you can!

Fairenuff Wed 15-Jan-14 17:01:36

he says that I should've just confronted him about his inappropriate contact with women and he would've stopped

But you did OP! You already confronted him about inappropriate contact with women and he said he would stop. But he didn't stop. He carried on.

I had a period of time where I found some emails and texts (call it female intuition / gut instinct) and I addressed this with him in February 2012). Sorted. Or so I thought. He was adamant that he would stop any inappropriate texting / communicating etc.

That happened two year ago. Nothing has changed. He honestly thinks he can do this to you again. How many more years do you want to waste on this man?

You really are doing the right thing Purple, although it is hard it's not half as hard as living like this for the next 20 years or so.

Try to have a little bit of soup that you can sip and concentrate on looking after yourself. How did the haircut turn out?

NumptyNameChange Wed 15-Jan-14 17:19:47

did you talk to your boss? hope you did and he was understanding. will help to take the pressure of slightly if you know someone has your back and is forewarned that you're not at the top of your game.

as for the relationship - he is still behaving awfully, refusing to take responsibility for his actions and blaming you. that equals unable to change. i work with teenagers and there is absolutely no way forward until they can responsibility for their own behaviour and stop arguing and blaming. it's actually quite pathetic that you're dealing with behavioural issues with a grown man that i'm tackling with teenage boys. i was thinking it was immature in a sixteen year old but your 'partner' makes me realise some never get it. to me that seems like stunted development - immaturity and also just having missed a very basic lesson in how to be a responsible human being.

NumptyNameChange Wed 15-Jan-14 17:22:57

however it's not surprising is it? look at how he has been about the house and the work that needs doing in day to day life - utter refusal to take any responsibility but constant moaning and blaming.

he is so entitled that he thinks not only all the physical work is your responsibility but all of the emotional work too - you're meant to be responsible for his behaving like a vaguely decent human being and if he isn't then it's your fault.

he's like a spoiled, entitled brat. can you imagine being so fucking entitled you think it's someone else's job to clear up your shit in all areas of your life?

NumptyNameChange Wed 15-Jan-14 17:27:28

i'm sorry my second post may be out of context - really sorry but think i mixed you up with another poster whose partner had been abusing her about the state of the house as well as cheating. i do apologise, i'm just in from work and head scrambled smile

PurplePest Thu 16-Jan-14 14:23:57

You're all right!

Thank you ALL for your messages. Some are hard to read as they tell it how it is but they're are good for me to read as will help keep me focused.

My boss has been brilliant and is being very supportive. So if I have to dash off due to added childcare duties I can. And also helps as he knows I'm not being lazy but just can't concentrate.

numpty I understand re scrambled head!

And interesting re the teenage boys. So true that some will never, ever get it.

Oh and my haircut is fab! Super short and makes me feel good! Really glad I did it as the small things make these horrible things a little better for a while.

He popped home (pre-arranged) last night and we had a little chat after DD had gone to bed. I think he has realised that I'm not going to soften this time and that I'm playing the long game. Told him he needs to bend over backwards at the moment as I did nothing wrong. He did it all. He is going to stay at his mates next week too but started implying he might outstay his welcome to which I replied that he should then book into a B&B. Said he's not going to faff about moving around for too long / a couple of weeks to which I replied that he was in no position to tell me how long anything should take! My point hit home I think.

Got a text message last night saying 'please forgive me. I will be the man you want me to be.' I haven't replied to that. The way it looks to me right now is that he'll never be able to be the man I want him to be and that this is over. I know I'm better off without him. But it'll take me a little while to let go completely although I am being strong and standing my ground. I will get there.

JoinYourPlayfellows Thu 16-Jan-14 14:28:47

Good for you, Purple.

"I'll be the man you want me to be."

I find that so insulting.

It basically says that he could be that man if he wanted to be, but he hasn't been arsed until you turfed him out.

The reality is that this lowlife has no idea how to be a man at all.

PurplePest Thu 16-Jan-14 15:01:14

Exactly Join exactly. Why didn't he be that man in the first place? He was stepping up to the plate in terms of bringing in money, sharing childcare, spent lots of time with DD and was doing up the house BUT what about his duties as a partner and lover? I guess he thought he could away with having this little sideline life whilst getting on with his other duties!

The mate he's staying with texted me this morning telling me that P will not give up on 14 years. Yesterday I asked if the friend who's putting P up knows everything and P said yes. So I preceded to have a very long text convo with said friend. He knew nothing! He's shocked and told me that P had lost me, was taking me for granted and to look after myself and DD. And for some strange reason, this text convo has also given me strength. His bonafide friend is disappointed in him and says he doesn't deserve me and DD. People are starting to see through his cocky façade.

MissScatterbrain Thu 16-Jan-14 15:07:33

Great to hear you are still being strong. How lovely that you love your snazzy hair do.

The problem with him is that its a long history of lies, fuck ups, indiscretions and other selfish twattish behaviours - how can you wipe all of these out?

Glad his friend now knows what the real deal is - these men can never be honest about themselves and their own failings. If he was a real man, he would have been honest with this friend wouldn't he?

PurplePest Thu 16-Jan-14 15:21:18

Thank you MissScatterbrain! I feel very happy with my hairdo and love the bounce grin !

I do have my moments and do have several wobbles a day but today I feel OK. Still feeling sicky and there's a constant funny feeling in my tummy. And am trying to nibble on nuts etc. But not easy.

Yes, a long line of fuck ups have come to bite him on the arse and he is feeling very sorry for himself. They can never be wiped out.

I am a very forgiving person by nature but he really has pushed me to my limit. I am not prepared to waste any more time on him although I am determined to come through this without the two of us hating one another or making things awkward around DD. If anyone will make it difficult it'll be him as he's not in control. He's usually very calm and laid-back and takes everything in his stride. Nothing (outwardly) phases him. Let's see how he deals with this huge mess.

I expected his friend to know almost everything at least. But he (obviously) dumbed it down and told his mate it was over some emails and clearly made a bigger deal about my snooping. But the friend now knows why I snooped and the back story. He is not impressed. Said he didn't have a clue. Just goes to show how sneaky P is! He wouldn't want friend to think he was anything but a proper family man looking after his house and two girls would he???

MissScatterbrain Thu 16-Jan-14 16:21:15

Exactly OP.

Fairenuff Thu 16-Jan-14 16:43:46

I will be the man you want me to be.

What he means is "I will be the man you want me to be if you agree to let me keep lying to you, pretend that I didn't sleep with anyone else, stop going on about it and let me move back in and carry on with my cushy life."

That's a very big 'if'.

What about telling him that the man you want him to be is your ex partner, who is a good father to his daughter and co-operative with the separation? Then see how accommodating he is.

He is still only thinking of himself.

PurplePest Thu 16-Jan-14 16:58:16

Faire he is only thinking about himself. He doesn't want to go. But he will have to. Eventually for good. Right now, I think I'm being accommodating enough and he comes back to see DD, get clothes etc. That's fine by me as it's not a big deal and pretty easy to deal with. Apart from his odd idiotic comment infront of DD.

He would be the man I want him to be. For about six months. And then proceed to build up his address book with new numbers and new email addresses. And so the cycle would start again.

This is becoming very clear to me. I love him unfortunately and that's the bit that's making me struggle at times.

JoinYourPlayfellows Thu 16-Jan-14 17:00:05

What about telling him that the man you want him to be is your ex partner, who is a good father to his daughter and co-operative with the separation?

Love it grin

That is EXACTLY what you should say.

NumptyNameChange Thu 16-Jan-14 17:13:54

why doesn't HE want to be a man who is faithful and loyal and decent? does he really need you to want it for him in order to be it?

blimey. doesn't have very high standards does he?

PurplePest Thu 16-Jan-14 17:27:18

join I will need to use that at some point I think!!!

numpty you're right. If he wanted it for himself he might stay on track. Doing it for me means he won't do it for long...until he thinks the trust is back is all!

And this is a man who insists he has high standards and great morals. Ha!

NumptyNameChange Fri 17-Jan-14 17:21:46

exactly purple, sorry.

being faithful and kind and considerate and putting your family first should be what we want for ourselves, not something we'll agree to emulate if we get a comfy home and status quo in exchange. it should be basic, not a... if you give me this i'll do this.

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