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Why does he deny the patently obvious??

(204 Posts)
Aloneandnowwhat Sun 05-Jan-14 19:38:26

He's been caught out cheating by me reading the texts, still denies it ever happened. Just found tweets to some random girl commenting on her good looks, again denied it was him.
Does he think I'm that stupid? And why cheat if you don't want to leave?
Sorry, more of a rant than anything else.

Casmama Sun 05-Jan-14 19:39:45

Presumably because he thinks there is a chance, no matter how small that if he continues to stonewall you will eventually let it drop.

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 05-Jan-14 19:40:10

Hi op sorry to hear this

Cake and eat it, why leave when you get sex meals laundry and all the perks simples.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 05-Jan-14 19:42:55

I guess he thinks that if he denies it strenuously enough, you'll believe him rather than the evidence of your own eyes. And the belief of most cheaters is, I think, that (a) they won't get found out; (b) if they do get found out, they'll get away with it by denying it strenuously. Sorry this is happening to you.

Jinglejanglesleighbells Sun 05-Jan-14 19:43:34

He sounds very cowardly. Agree with guilty; cake and eating it and he's clinging onto the hope you'll believe him. Are you thinking of leaving him?

Fairenuff Sun 05-Jan-14 19:46:25

Because he knows you will get over it and he can keep doing it?

Aloneandnowwhat Sun 05-Jan-14 19:47:48

Can't leave. Have tried a couple of times but he uses the kids against me, turns up crying on in front of them day after day, couldn't bear to hand them over to him every weekend so I've decided to put up and shut up until they're older. Also my work hours mean I couldn't get childcare for them.
Was just venting I suppose.

cjel Sun 05-Jan-14 19:56:05

Well firstly you can leave and always have that choice. He will have to get over his pathetic tears and move on. This is no good for your dcs. He won't stop cheating because he has no reason too. You won't do anything about it so why should he?

Stop looking and let him get on with it if you won't leave.

Aloneandnowwhat Sun 05-Jan-14 20:13:16

I wasn't snooping, just came across it whilst on my account. I've asked that he does whatever he's doing privately so I can ignore it more easily.
I have no family and work shifts, physically cannot work without him being here to look after kids when I'm not at home.
I appreciate how pathetic this makes me but like I said I just wanted to vent.

cjel Sun 05-Jan-14 20:21:10

You are not pathetic, Didn't mean to make you feel bad, but I know what the choices are and why ever you thin you can't leave you really can. You can work your shifts around dcs staying at his place, get babysitter, change jobs etc. etc. It is always possible to find a solution apart from living in a crap relationship.x

CarryOnDancing Sun 05-Jan-14 20:23:36

Surely by the time your kids are old enough for to leave, they are old enough to have the negative effects of years of this odd and negative behaviour?
There's not even a point to ranting when you've already given him the green light to cheat. He's doesn't need to hide it and he's obviously seeing how much you will take and how far he can push his behaviour.

This is a very sour lesson to teach your kids. You are just teaching them it's ok to make a commitment and not keep it, it's ok to lie cheat and disrespect people and that there are no consequences for actions. Plus they potentially get the misery of reliving the same life themselves by imitating the situation in their own lives.

Surely there's a better way?

Aloneandnowwhat Sun 05-Jan-14 20:29:58

I am pretty good at pretending carryondancing but I do understand what you're saying about damaging them.
I've tried to end it before but it's horrendous, threats to kill himself, hundreds of texts and calls all day every day, starting rows in front of the kids when he was visiting them.
It's easier to let him stay and just carry on, we go on family days out with the kids and I act like everything's fine - I know you're going to say the kids will be able to see through that!
I think maybe I'm past caring about my relationship, I certainly don't want another one so I might as well play happy families.
I hope this doesn't make me a bad person, maybe a doormat though.

Aloneandnowwhat Sun 05-Jan-14 20:31:08

Yes I could change jobs but I'm so cowardly I'm terrified of making the change even if I know it's the right thing to do.

SingleAndLovingIt Sun 05-Jan-14 20:31:47

Aloneandnowwhat, I really sympathise with you, I agree that with shifts childcare is an absolute nightmare unless family can help or you can afford a nanny. I've been looking for work since ex-dh buggered off and it's been very difficult - can't do any "flexible working" that part-time jobs seem to want you to be able to do (!!!), can't do nights, can't do evenings, nurseries shut at 6pm....you're in a really difficult situation and I don't blame you for staying. I'd have been much better off if we'd stayed together. But now much happier smile Just poor!

BIWI Cote D'Ivoire Sun 05-Jan-14 20:32:58

But what kind of relationship are you modelling for your DC? You are far better off without him.

SingleAndLovingIt Sun 05-Jan-14 20:33:03

But if you are able to change jobs to one that childcare can fit around in order to free yourself from this man then I would.

cjel Sun 05-Jan-14 20:34:08

I think it will make you a very ill person Alone, I have been in your position and can guarantee you that you are no different to sooo many women. Your H s horrid, he will not kill himself. If you are getting this awful behaviour when you split there are people who will help. You will then have the weight of the law behind you because he will not be your H and solicitors and police are used to dealing with bullies like him. My advice would be to talk to someone in real life start with WA.

He has worn you down and your are now a result of his abuse. You really should change this life it is not sustainable as it is whatever you think now.

SingleAndLovingIt Sun 05-Jan-14 20:37:55

I know it seems scary but you will be OK

Aloneandnowwhat Sun 05-Jan-14 20:46:31

Well I locked him out six months ago because it was the only way I knew how to get him to leave. He smashed the window so I called the police. They turned up after an hour and made me leave with my son because he said he had nowhere to go. I was 8 months pregnant. After that I had the health visitor round loads to check on me and my son, I don't want them thinking I'm a bad mother.
Single, I do work nights. Not qualified for anything so don't think I'd find another job. Parents are no longer alive or else I'd be back with them in a heartbeat.
I don't hate my life, I have my kids who make it worth living. I think maybe this is all I think I'm worth.

Aloneandnowwhat Sun 05-Jan-14 20:48:07

I know I will have to find a way out some time, when I can't hide my disgust at him. Lithe last thing I want is for my children to be affected at all.

cjel Sun 05-Jan-14 20:50:26

Thats what worried me my lovely, that he has worn you down and he has made you feel worthless. The police aren't the right people to help you . Firsts stop should be womans aid and a good solicitor.The police should be used to enforce the law when you have things sorted. If you don't feel you are worth more then consider that your dcs are and that by being so worn down you are depriving them of the best mum they could have. They will know the darkness in you even though you think you hide it.x

solosolong Sun 05-Jan-14 20:58:02

Alone, how old are your DC? Maybe it will get easier for you as they get older. It does open up possibilities when they can have sleep-overs etc.. Sounds like a really rubbish situation for you and you certainly are worth more than that.
I know it probably sounds silly, but have you tried talking to him and asking why he behaves like he does?

Aloneandnowwhat Sun 05-Jan-14 21:06:50

They're 2 and a half and 6 months. I thought things might get easier when they start school.
I do ask him and he completely denies doing anything. I have screenshots of his texts to a woman at work discussing their having had sex and he still denies it! Makes me feel like I'm insane.
Then he wonders why I don't want to sleep with him.

Aloneandnowwhat Sun 05-Jan-14 21:07:49

My el before him was exactly the same. I know he cheated but even if I asked him today he would still deny it. I thought it must just be a man thing, or a me thing?

cjel Sun 05-Jan-14 21:08:44

This is so sad, My hope for you would be that you will reach out in RL and make the steps you need to make all your lives different.

Aloneandnowwhat Sun 05-Jan-14 21:23:52

Cjel my sister knows most of it. She's there for me when the drama's going on but then I'm left in the reality of my life and nobody bothers.

FolkGirl Sun 05-Jan-14 21:24:50

Alone I'm separated. I have no family support. I discovered my husband had broken his marriage vows 2 weeks after my dad died, 2 weeks before the funeral and whilst I was trying to sort out all the legalities of his death and the funeral because my brother fell to pieces and my dad's widow fucked off to the other side of the world on holiday the day after he died. Yes, you read that right.

And do you know what? I couldn't be happier now, 14 months on. I would never have 'broken up' my family, yet neither my husband or I were happy for a very long time. I was prepared to keep my head down and just soldier on. I was past caring about my relationship too. And the thought of another one! What? Meeting someone new? Getting to know them again? Building new memories and new traditions and new injokes? Why on earth would I want to do that? I'd have been happy to play 'happy families', although I was dead inside.

But now? Now the birds sing, I have a spring in my step and I wake up every day genuinely happy. I wish I could give you a glimpse into my life and how I feel because there is no way you'd be saying you're happy to put up with what you have now.

You deserve so much more. This is your one life. Your one shot.

He's threatening to kill himself? He's cheating on you? He can, frankly, fuck off. Who is he to determine that this is your life?

Oh, and my children are fine. In fact they are happier now. They have both said (aged 15 and 7) that they can see I'm happier. They both knew it was an unhappy relationship and I think my ex and I did a pretty good job a lot of the time of presenting a united front.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Sun 05-Jan-14 21:31:40

What the hell has happened to you that you have zero self esteem to allow your children's father to fuck other people and risk your life as I am sure he doesn't use a condom and you tell him it is fine to do it but be discreet? sad

You are doing your children NO favours at all by martyring yourself like this.

Tinkertaylor1 Sun 05-Jan-14 21:38:27

alone hope your ok, it sounds totally shit!

He is controlling the whole situation by making you believe you are imagining it, he is disrespecting you so much that he is making out you are insane. If he hit you would you make him leave, or would you let him stay for child care. You will not be able to hide this behaviour from your dc.

Its not easy starting out on your own, hell I did it and was a struggle. Had to go on benefits for a while but it was worth it in the end because I managed to get a way from a abusive arse hole.

My ex came back after going for a few beers with and stayed out all night, said he fell asleep as he was pissed, he was also sporting a massive love bite on his neck! which he said his mate had give him, messing around. I knew he had been fucking about but by that time he had totally worn me down and i didnt have the energy to go through a fight. Your fella is relying on that with you.

Aloneandnowwhat Sun 05-Jan-14 21:38:39

FolkGirl I wish I was you! I just have no idea practically how I can raise my children alone. I already do everything for them, it is honestly just a case of childcare and work. And I know I'd never ever have peace from him because for all the shit things he does he knows where he's best off and will do anything to stay here.

Aloneandnowwhat Sun 05-Jan-14 21:43:50

That's it Tinker it's the zero energy. First time I found something I kicked him straight out, that was when ds was weeks old. I let him back, god knows why, but have become less and less interested in his subsequent fuck ups.
I will have to make him leave, I know this. I wish he would just find someone else and go willingly.
I need to go back to work for at least six months or else I have to pay back maternity and I can't do that.

Mellowandfruitful Sun 05-Jan-14 21:44:00

You need to plan medium term. I don't think you should try and stick this out until the kids are in school; it's too far away. But what could you do in the next 6-12 months to make separating from him viable - look for a new job, look for a new place to live, childcare etc? Sounds like the job might be a place to start. Then there is a way out within reach.

Once you are not dependent on him for childcare or living with him, there would be ways of dealing with his harassment re texts and calling. Although it does sound like the police let you down badly re the incident you describe. As another poster has said Women's Aid should be able to advise you.

FolkGirl Sun 05-Jan-14 21:49:26

You need to take control of the situation. Seriously.

Why does he get to control it?

I am so angry reading this. Not with you, but at how he has made you feel to the extent that you don't seem to believe you have any control over your own life!

It isn't easy starting out on your own again as Tinker said, but, my God, is it worth it! I wasn't working when I kicked my ex out. I went on benefits for a couple of months until I found a job and childcare.

There will be around your situation, you just have to be open to seeing it and receptive to it.

Oh and you will have peace from him. He's a worthless, little shit of a man and the only way he can feel that he is making his mark on this world is to control and bully you.

Aloneandnowwhat Sun 05-Jan-14 21:51:44

Yes, a new job. I have to try I know I do. I did used to have other big commitments that made it harder to be on my own but I sorted that out a while ago now. A job is the next step, I don't want to rely on benefits because I'd be worried about not being able to live, no judgement of anyone else.
Thank you everyone for the advice. I don't know what made me wrote this post, I wasn't looking for help with planning to leave but this has really helped. I feel like I have to make a plan.

FolkGirl Sun 05-Jan-14 21:52:15

And yes, if you end up playing a long game (well a 6-12 month one) then so be it.

Make an exit plan and follow it. Play happy families in the mean time, but inside your head, inside you, you will know that every day you are moving one step closer to your new life.

Frankly, I couldn't have done that! But I understand that that is sometimes what is best for other people and if you think you can do it. Then yes, look for a new job, research childcare. Plan and scheme and keep a record of it, make this your New Year Resolution.

This time next year, your life needs to be your own. Decide how you want it to look and then make it happen.

FolkGirl Sun 05-Jan-14 21:54:02

x post wink

Good for you. flowers

Aloneandnowwhat Sun 05-Jan-14 21:56:13

FolkGirl I know he's a disgusting little man, that's the hardest part to keep hidden. I can't stand him.

FolkGirl Sun 05-Jan-14 21:59:27

Well in that case, you know you have to work towards leaving. It's the only thing that will keep you sane!

You can't stand him? Just how long did you realistically think you could play happy families for..? wink

Seriously, you can do this.

Tinkertaylor1 Sun 05-Jan-14 22:10:52

alone you could find a part time job and apply for tax credits to bulk you up till you get sorted.

I went on full benefits as i let my ex with nothing and no job. No clothes, just woke dd1 up wrapped her in a quilt,called a taxi and went to stay with my dgm. Plus it gave me a bit of a breather. I retrained as a swimming teacher and never looked back. I freaking love my job.

The following weeks were hard though, i think that was because my self esteem were at zero, had put a lot of weight on and he was doing the whole crying/begging thing. But there was tiny voice telling me to stand firm, as i had crumbled so many times before, this time i must have been ready.

New year, new you?

Tinkertaylor1 Sun 05-Jan-14 22:14:06

and the same as folk The last thing i wanted was another fella, but i met my DH and he is luffly! Give good foot rubs he does.

Get rid of him and find space to be happy

Aloneandnowwhat Sun 05-Jan-14 22:14:14

I've been disgusted at him since the first time he cheated. I don't even care if he cheats now, at least I won't be sat crying over him - I did that a good while ago now.
I just thought we could live together while the children are young, I don't hate him any more and we get on ok really, it's just romantically I find him revolting.

cjel Sun 05-Jan-14 22:16:04

I want to say it took me years to leave mine. I couldn't see a way out and had counselling and realised I need to build the life I wanted and if we were together after that then that was good and if not that was good as well. I was well on the way (at college to train for career) and 3 years down a five year plan and I found he'd taken someone else out. I moved out.!! I have had really tough times and have had deaths and moving 3 times and have had times of real sadness but I too have never been happier. I think if you start to plan it all in your head and get the advice you can about your legal rights and possibilities then not only will you be able to cope until the time is right but you will start to gain in strength. I would also advise counselling, I was going once a week while it was all going on and it really encouraged me to realise I was capable. Do all the stuff like seperate finances, keeping passports and documents at a safe place(your sisters) stuff like that.

Aloneandnowwhat Sun 05-Jan-14 22:16:25

Tinker thank you for that, I'm overweight now after two babies and no time for anything. I barely wash my hair these days! Another man is the very very last thing on my mind.

DollyTwat Sun 05-Jan-14 22:17:14

Op if you stay you know that means you have zero chance if meeting someone who really cares about you don't you?

You can do this alone, I did it with a 3 yr old and a 6 month old. It's not easy, but, the emotional stress you are suffering is what's making you so tired. Please believe me

Aloneandnowwhat Sun 05-Jan-14 22:19:32

Finances are no problem, I earn the majority of our income. We don't share bank accounts. Downside is that the money we owe on credit card is in my name but I can live with that.
I'd love to retrain but don't think that would be possible, have had a little look at jobs online but nothing I can do, will keep looking.

Aloneandnowwhat Sun 05-Jan-14 22:21:25

I'm in awe of all of you who have turned your lives around. I know I'm so weak and probably just scared of the unknown, I hope I can do this

cjel Sun 05-Jan-14 22:24:50

when you come to do settlement I think credit cards are counted as joint debt so he will have to cover half, but you may also be liable for his debt so make sure that you go to solicitor to get seperation date, so debts he accrues after that date you are not liable for.

It is a weird time but it is also exciting - you will really be free and at peace. I haven't wanted anyone else, I have spent over two years just sorting myself out and don't meet new men in my day to day life but am happier than I was with a man. I wouldn't say no if one came along but he'd have to be really special for me to fit him in my life!!!! Sometimes you just have to step out in faith and all the rest falls into place.x

FolkGirl Sun 05-Jan-14 22:26:17

There's nothing particularly special about us though. At least no special quality that you don't also possess.

Of course you're scared of the unknown. We all were. But when you get there, the unknown is actually a lot friendlier than the known. And the world is full of new friends, and new opportunities and new possibilities...

And maybe you don't want a new relationship now, and that's understandable, but there really will be someone out there who will love you and cherish you and adore you completely.

But you're not going to find him whilst you're supporting this dead weight.

Aloneandnowwhat Sun 05-Jan-14 22:28:02

Cjel we're not married thank god.

Lairyfights Sun 05-Jan-14 22:28:08

You can do this OP. You so, so can. If you have to plan and scheme for 6 months to put yourself in the best possible position, then so be it. But think of that future, in 6-12 months when you will be free of him!

Look for that job, get free advice of solicitors and start planning. You will be free of this mean and petty man. You and your children deserve so much better.

Be strong, and keep coming back here for support and help! Good luck!

Tinkertaylor1 Sun 05-Jan-14 22:30:07

alone you will be ground down. You need to dig deep and get your fight back. Each time he does something it chips away at your own being, your self worth.

Can you ever imagine putting up with this shit if someone told you this would happen back when you where younger. I moved away to be with my ex and only came back to visit every 9-12 months and my friends were shocked at how different I looked. I didnt have any friends where I lived as exp accused me of flirting ect. He completely isolated me and once i was he was bastard.

Now im happy with DH, I dream about exp, I dream about killing him, or severely beating him up (sorry tmi) but now im in such a good place I can see what an utter scum bag he was as I wasted so many years on him, I find it hard to let go of all the hurt and resentment.

start loving your self again and your kids deserve better smile

Tinkertaylor1 Sun 05-Jan-14 22:38:04

Talking to women on here really helped. Amongst the bitchy threads there is a fab support network on here!

some one always available for hand holding, encouraging, advice!

FolkGirl Sun 05-Jan-14 23:16:40

Oh definitely agree with Tinker.

I had my thread deleted, but I couldn't have got through those first few weeks without the support I found on here.

Receiving so much support and PMs offering real life practical help (including amazingly generous invitations for my children and I for Christmas dinner!) on here gave me the confidence to reach out to people in the real world.

And that's when the improvements really started to happen.

cjel Mon 06-Jan-14 08:34:07

When you aren't sure about whether you are being treated well or not, think of what the ladies on here would say to you? I remember being told 'be kind to yourself' and it is really hared to do but with practice you can do it. You really are worth it!!!

captainmummy Mon 06-Jan-14 08:47:52

He threatens suicide? He cries? he shouts and starts rows in front of the dc? Sorry, alone, but do you think that most exs just say 'oh, ok' when they are asked to leave? NO! They shout/threaten/bully/cajole/cry,- and then threaten/cry/cajole again. IT's IN THE SCRIPT! Most of the women on here could tell you what comes next. Suicide one day? Ok he'll be nice as pie the next (and yes, still alive). Then it will be shouting and bullying - but his power is gone.

Get to womens aid. Give up the job that you can't do without childcare. Go onto benefits - it's what they are for! Get out. WA will help, they will help you apply for benefits, you will not be destitute. They will help you get rehoused. They willl help you get debt-advice, money-advice, child-access advice - YOU WILL NOT BE ALONE!

If you already do all the child-care, then yo are already a sole parent. Just get rid ofthe extra 12-stone of dead-weight, and it will be so much easier.

Honestly.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 06-Jan-14 08:54:37

Op...I know it's not ideal at all but there are childminders who do overnight work. You can look on your council list. Have you looked at whether you are eligible for childcare element if the tax credits?? It might cover the cost of the childcare. If you really are only staying for childcare this might be a way out.

My children were 2.5 and 6 months when I asked my ex to leave. I know it's very, very hard...and it will get easier to leave I think. Even now a year on mine are happier to be left with different people.

flowers

Aloneandnowwhat Mon 06-Jan-14 13:19:02

In my current job I'm just over the threshold to claim any tax credits. Will have to look into overnight childminders, thanks for the advice.

SingleAndLovingIt Mon 06-Jan-14 14:21:56

Alone how are you feeling today?

It all depends where you live re childminders. They are few and far between where I live as most of them gave up once Ofsted's demands became too much sad

I had to go on benefits when ex-dh left and don't like it but I am so grateful for the support, and the associated tax credits. I'm still looking for work as I've been a stay at home mum for 11 years now and no-one will take me on but as you're already working you'll be in a much better position, and hopefully it won't be long for me.

And I agree with FolkGirl, life is far better than I ever imagined. The day he left I crumpled onto the kitchen floor crying and terrified about how I would manage alone as he got me so completely dependent on him, I didn't even know the password for our online bank account, but little by little my confidence has been restored and now it's the best thing that could have happened to me, I feel like I've got my old self back, and more...I'm happier, stronger...and the kids are so much happier and secure now...they knew we weren't happy together and it had made them very insecure. You can do it xxx

SingleAndLovingIt Mon 06-Jan-14 14:23:49

Oh and like captainmummy said, it dawned on me that I was already doing everything anyway and didn't realise it...all he did was bring in the money and mow the lawn grin

Aloneandnowwhat Mon 06-Jan-14 15:32:41

I'm fine today thanks, it's sort of hard to keep momentum going when it's going to take a while to do this.
I won't miss him being here, I already look after all the bills and organise out lives to be honest. Have been looking at jobs but not looking promising. I feel for you looking for work and that's what puts me off not working, I have no qualifications so not sure I'd ever get another job further down the line.
I think he must live on a different planet, he just cruises through life thinking everything's fine and doesn't even realise how sick I am.
Single, I'm really glad it's all worked out for you.

haveyourselfashandy Mon 06-Jan-14 16:43:43

Sorry your going through this op.What about a nanny or au pair for the kids? Just trying to think of practical things that may help you.You CAN do this you know,you've just lived with a prick for too long.Don't waste anymore of your life on this man,you deserve to be happy!

Buzzardbird Mon 06-Jan-14 16:59:12

You will sort this OP. Please just don't sleep with the rancid fucker. thanks

Aloneandnowwhat Mon 06-Jan-14 18:13:26

Wouldn't an au pair cost a fortune? Buzzard that made me laugh but don't worry I won't!

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Mon 06-Jan-14 18:18:35

You CAN do this. You do 100% of everything as it is. You bring in the money. You just need help with child care and you can pay someone to do that. While you are with this twat you definitely won't meet anyone who will treat you as well as you deserve. At the moment you are with someone who is treating you as well as you and he think you deserve.

You can do this.

Best thing I have read all day - you didn't marry this prick.

motherlondon Mon 06-Jan-14 18:39:15

I too have a twunt who denies denies denies even though I have copies of the emails, photos, text messages.
I also have to stay living under same roof for some time. I have my plan and one thing that I devised that helps me get through is that I have counted how many days I have to be around this fuckwit, put as many pebbles in a lovely glass jar, and every night, write a happy emotion on one and transfer it to another vase that started off empty. It's just my way of seeing light at end of the tunnel.
Good luck

Aloneandnowwhat Mon 06-Jan-14 18:52:38

Motherlondon I'm sorry you're in this position too, it's horrible.

motherlondon Mon 06-Jan-14 19:12:07

Kids the same age as yours as well! It will all be ok.

captainmummy Mon 06-Jan-14 19:15:23

and don't forget, alone, that if he is the father of your dc, he will be required to pay for their maintenance. It's not all on you.

cjel Mon 06-Jan-14 23:10:06

ALONE.lovely to hear that you laughedsmile.I like the idea of having a smiley face countdown jar. Did you manage to get that advice to help your plan yet?x

Aloneandnowwhat Tue 07-Jan-14 08:43:31

Well for some unknown reason he's suddenly admitted to having sex with someone else, while I was pregnant with our second child.
I need him to leave now and deal with whatever happens I suppose.

FolkGirl Tue 07-Jan-14 09:44:28

So sorry to read this, Alone.

Yes, you do need him to leave. You'll be fine and you know where we are if you need us flowers

SingleAndLovingIt Tue 07-Jan-14 09:49:37

alone, will you be able to get tax credits to help you with the cost of childcare? I think you may have said you were earning too much...but on your salary alone you might qualify for some help. Try http://taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx, but bear in mind that amounts given are for today's date until start of April 2014 so you need to multiply by 4 to get an approximate amount for 12 months (I didn't realise this for six months and thought I couldn't afford to work unless earning a big salary! now I'm delighted as can see that gov will at the moment pay about a good proportion of my childcare depending on salary).

SingleAndLovingIt Tue 07-Jan-14 09:52:27

Oh and I looked into the au pair option for myself. They live with you and are here to learn English. You need a spare room. You pay them about £70 a week and in return they give you about 15 hours' childcare. This is last time I looked into it, about 3 years ago. So prob wouldn't suit your situation. I couldn't do this as no spare room.

As yours are little though and don't need school pickup you may well be able to find an overnight childminder, one of my friends used to do this.

Tinkertaylor1 Tue 07-Jan-14 09:54:35

Morning alone

What a horrible wanker he is , he like making you feel like shite doesn't he. Hope your ok flowers

Already holding down a job when applying fir others is a good factor though! Could you speak to managers about changing shifts, could you confide in one that you need it as child care will be an issue in the future?

If you leave now , you will look back next year at this point in your life and not recognise the person you have been. You will be able to breath and feel happiness.

Are you any more forward in getting plans thought together?

Aloneandnowwhat Tue 07-Jan-14 12:11:01

He is a horrible wanker, had sex in the toilet at work then came home to me after - said he used protection but who knows.
I've asked him to leave but he won't, says he has nowhere to go. Also says he won't let me go with the kids, not that I have anywhere else to go. Can't make him leave as we're joint tenants.
My plan is to go back to work next month when maternity runs out, work the six months that I have to then will hopefully have a day shift job lined up by then. In the mean time I'll have to figure out childcare, don't know if it's a good idea to ask the wanker to sleep here to wTch the kids while I'm on nights? That's if I've managed to get him to leave by then.
How on earth does he think we can recover from this??

Aloneandnowwhat Tue 07-Jan-14 12:13:05

I want to thank you all for your help, if nothing else at the minute you've made me feel like things could get better.
I'm trying so hard not to say anything in front of the kids but he just keeps starting something.

cjel Tue 07-Jan-14 12:55:28

I would caution involving him at yours to do child care, He is not reasonable enough and I think you may have to detatch more to make seperation work. Glad you have been able to see that your life doesn't have to be like this and you do have optionsx

captainmummy Tue 07-Jan-14 14:07:04

Sex in the toilet? (yeuurgh!) What a charmer.

have you phoned WA?

Custardo Tue 07-Jan-14 14:14:17

when does your tenancy get renewed?

Tinkertaylor1 Tue 07-Jan-14 14:43:04

Sex in the toilet ! What a prick!
He can't stop you doing anything !
Things will get better.

You are an incredibley strong woman. I thnk he is telling you these things to absolutely ruin you, break you down .

Have you spoke to WA? The house is just bricks and morar , I left with only dd, I did have a wobble a couple of weeks later but I stuck to my guns and my life is unrecognisable . You can do this.

Don't have him doing child care. Once you have your own place don't let him back in. You might have to start a fresh, new place, new you.

When I lived with my ex, the first house we lived in was actually rented in my name and it was council . When I told him to get out of my house , he would say, ' no, you don't own it, the council do " I stupidly gave that house up for a bigger one in both our name ( by now completely conditioned to accept shit) When I asked him to leave then he just laughed in my face, that why I knew I had to, with dd.

sounds like you are starting to gather you thoughts, look at the first couple of posts you did. You wasn't even planning on going!

Honestly op go for it.

Aloneandnowwhat Tue 07-Jan-14 14:58:06

The tenancy is now a rolling month by month one, deposit paid for by me although no way of proving it. I need to have his name removed, hopefully I can do that without his say so.
I feel like a fraud ringing womens aid, he's never hit me or anything and I don't want to waste their time and resources.

Aloneandnowwhat Tue 07-Jan-14 15:25:29

Have contacted my boss to hopefully find out what my shift pattern is going to be when I go back. Then I know what I'm dealing with.

AliceinWinterWonderland Tue 07-Jan-14 15:48:05

You are not wasting their time and resources. Ring Women's Aid, they can help you get organised. That's what they are there for!! You will feel LOADS better with a plan.

Tinkertaylor1 Tue 07-Jan-14 15:53:48

Give the a ring and they might be able to point you in the direction of some one who can ( you haven't got anything to lose)

He is emotionally abusing you op, you don't need 'slap' to qualify for help. Plus see it as a pro active step forward away from that cheating cunt.

Iim due Of maternity this Saturday , they have to try to be flexible and take in to account child care. I am ready to say the least! How are you feeling about it?

captainmummy Tue 07-Jan-14 16:02:30

OP - so many posters say 'i can't phone WA, he never hit me' or 'i can't phone WA, he only hit me once' or 'he's only emotionally abusive' or 'he's only financially abusive' - you want out, phone them. THEY WILL HELP - it's what they are there for.

sparklysilversequins Tue 07-Jan-14 16:12:35

You're joint tenants. What does your landlord say about him committing criminal damage at the property when he broke the window? The police arrested my ex and charged him with criminal damage when that exact same thing happened here. we were joint tenants too. The police went in with both feet because it was within a DV context. Everyday I thank them in my head for helping me out if a situation I felt powerless to get myself out of. There IS a way out of this, you just can't see it at moment because you're so ground down. Your story is so similar to mine, the endless cheating and refusing to leave.

Aloneandnowwhat Tue 07-Jan-14 17:14:40

I didn't tell the landlord, just paid myself to fix it. Didn't want to make the ll think we were dodgy. He's still refusing to leave, I'll ring wa tomorrow.

captainmummy Tue 07-Jan-14 21:03:37

Please please do phone WA -it is so hard to do it alone. Please make a better life for yourself.

Blondeorbrunette Tue 07-Jan-14 21:10:28

More important lop, why are you avoiding the obvious?

Aloneandnowwhat Wed 08-Jan-14 08:18:14

Sorry what is the obvious?

captainmummy Wed 08-Jan-14 08:26:04

I think Blonde means you are avoiding the fact that you are obviously nit still in a committted relationship (through no fault of yours) and need help to get out. He is just using you for a skivvy/childcare and has no intention of jumping out of that nice warm bed. Why would he? He has no-where to go, not even an OW (sex in the toilet does not a OW make!) so why wouldn't he just stay right where he is?

You are the one who will have to make a new life - he is quite happy with the old one. You will have to do all the work, for yourself.

Phone WA.

Aloneandnowwhat Wed 08-Jan-14 09:02:00

The reason I don't want to leave is that I've bought everything in here, I can't start again and can't afford to replace beds, furniture, everything. He had nothing when we met and still doesn't.

MissScatterbrain Wed 08-Jan-14 09:38:05

You don't need to leave. He is the one who needs to go.

Stop doing all his chores - shopping, cooking, laundry etc.

Get legal advice about how to make him go.

Aloneandnowwhat Wed 08-Jan-14 11:07:10

Have stopped doing everything already, apparently I'm ruining our childrens lives. I can't make him leave, he has to serve notice on his part of the tenancy which he'll never do, even though he can't afford the rent alone.
I'll have to find somewhere else and move out, but I don't have the money for a bond as it's being used for current house and I can't prove it was me who paid it.
I'm really up shit creek here.

cjel Wed 08-Jan-14 11:42:41

You are really not up the creek. There are deposit boards around to help in your situation. Have you been in touch with the people who can help you through this yet? Please don't feel shame, Its not only poor uneducated thick people who are in your situation, They are there to help everyone. Its like I always say, they can help you so you will be in a position to help others when its their turn. Don't despair. reach out.

Aloneandnowwhat Wed 08-Jan-14 11:47:23

I got as far as the wa website but it really did seem for victims of domestic abuse. Local CAB is open tomorrow so will try there.

cjel Wed 08-Jan-14 12:15:09

That sounds like a good idea, Ask about local deposit boards as well. You don't have to use any of it but it may be helpful just to know realistically what your options are.x

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Wed 08-Jan-14 13:24:08

HE is the one who is ruining the children's lives. What he means is you should STFU and know your place angry.

You take everything you have paid for.
You get a loan from the bank for a deposit.

You could be in your new place, with your children, by the end of next month if you let MNters help you. They have been great at helping other women make the break both emotionally and practically.

Just remember YOU did nothing wrong.

Aloneandnowwhat Wed 08-Jan-14 14:12:05

Well he came home from work at lunch time and started his rubbish, ds got upset and that was horrendous. He locked us in at one point.
He agreed to leave if I have him tobacco money so I did and he's gone. Bags are packed and outside for him to pick up later. Have left a message with landlord to call me back, have explained the situation with not wanting him to be able to come back.
That was horrible, my little boy crumpling because his dad was crying and going on. I feel so relieved, no matter what's coming it beats this crap!
Does anyone know how much contact I should let him have? I'm worried he'll use it as an opportunity to confront me again, he knows I can't answer back in front of the kids

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Wed 08-Jan-14 14:25:29

No contact for a while. Let things calm down. Let your STBE show he is a grown up.

captainmummy Wed 08-Jan-14 15:04:05

You need advice re contact - don't just do whatever he says. CAB is good for that in the first instance.
Glad that he is leaving. Will the LL allow you to change the locks?

He really is a peice of shit, using his ds like that - he should be protecting his dc from his own inadequacies. Whatever happens, you are better off without this in your lives.

Aloneandnowwhat Wed 08-Jan-14 15:51:15

I'm still waiting on ll ringing me back but have left keys in the backs of the doors for now.

Glenshee Wed 08-Jan-14 16:50:34

Well done you!

Arrange to change the locks asap, and start planning for work and childcare arrangements that do not involve this man.

I would be very concerned about children staying with someone you know you cannot trust.

Glenshee Wed 08-Jan-14 16:52:31

And no contact, no picking up the phone, no texts, nothing.

It will hurt but it's the right thing to do. Imagine your children growing up to be like him. That's likely. But without his influence you have a chance to fight against the odds.

Aloneandnowwhat Wed 08-Jan-14 16:56:36

Well I was thinking of changing my number but am I allowed to do that when children are involved. He's going to have to see them even though he's a shit isn't he?
I want to thank you all again for giving me a gentle kick up the arse!
Now is it bed time yet so I can have a small drink?

Aloneandnowwhat Wed 08-Jan-14 17:04:32

He's such a prick, the texts have started already. He seems to think he's coming back in a few days! This is exhausting.

Tinkertaylor1 Wed 08-Jan-14 17:18:38

Well don't op alone but now breath.....

Turn your phone off

Have no contact fir a few days till you gather your thoughts.

Call work if you have no child care and say you are sick while you figure out what to do

If and when you let him see kids, don't let it be in the house .

Lameduck Wed 08-Jan-14 17:19:21

It's your number you can change it to what you like, give him email

Tinkertaylor1 Wed 08-Jan-14 17:25:12

^^^ well my post clearly made sense!

Well done you!

MissScatterbrain Wed 08-Jan-14 18:15:01

You will need to arrange contact for the DC - make sure handovers are at the door step and all contact visits take place away from the home.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Wed 08-Jan-14 18:31:42

Make sure you don't lose your keys as you would have to immediately change the locks so no on can break in.

Aloneandnowwhat Wed 08-Jan-14 18:44:43

Have finally spoken to landlord, he's accepted my months notice as a joint tenant and I will start my own tenancy after that. Just have to keep him out for a month, he knows I can't keep him out if he's on the tenancy. Ll suggested I change the locks but I don't want to do the wrong thing and get myself into trouble.
Work have said I'll be doing day shift for a few months when I go back. Finally feel like I can relax a little.
I have all of you to thank for giving me the gentle kick up the arse that I needed thanks

notapizzaeater Wed 08-Jan-14 18:50:58

Just stay strong now and it will get easier.

FolkGirl Wed 08-Jan-14 19:05:26

Alone It sounds like you are really on top of things and dealing with this amazingly well.

What a difference a couple of days makes, eh? I know it's not what you wanted and you were pushed before you felt you were ready, but do you remember when we all said you could do this on Sunday?

Well this is you doing it flowers

xxx

cjel Wed 08-Jan-14 19:10:19

Not sure but if the landlord has told you to change the locks maybe you should do what he wants?
Small drink is allowed as long as you don't pick up the phone and answer himsmile
Can you get another phone so you can still have contact with who you what and then just use old one for him and then you can just turn it on at certain times?
Also can you arrange contact through a third party not at your house so you don't have to see him?

Aloneandnowwhat Wed 08-Jan-14 19:55:18

I'm not missing him at all but I know in a few days I'll start missing having someone. Don't worry there's no way I'm taking him back.
I'm worried it's all going to kick off if he realises locks are changed, or when I don't let him back when he thinks I should.
I'm going to suggest he sees the children at the playgroups they go to so that I don't have to let him in the house. I need to find out how much contact I need to give him. I want the kids to see their dad as much as they can but I don't wNt them to be used as weapons by him.

minmooch Wed 08-Jan-14 20:19:40

You need to see a solicitor and get it written properly. It will give you strength. In most cases children go to Dad one night during the week and every other weekend. However yours are very young so this may not be practical. A solicitor practising family law will advise you. As you are not married things will be far easier to sort.

Good luck and keep strong.

pluCaChange Wed 08-Jan-14 20:20:59

Have you got all the crazy, abusive, manic texts from previous breakups? See if you can parlay those into a non-molestation order, talk to your health visitor about protecting the children by not letting them have contact with someone who will scream and go nuts and attack their mother (even verbally).

With the shiftwork and tenancy questions out of the way, it seems your remaining "weakness" is the children, whom he treats as hostages (utter bastard).

Aloneandnowwhat Wed 08-Jan-14 20:30:20

Nothing from previous times but hundreds from this time. It's more or less exactly the same, I'm breaking the family up, he might as well kill himself, he'll be here in 5 mins etc etc.
I'm pretty immune now I think. Just need to wait a month then I have every right not to let him in the house. He can be the most vicious, nasty bastard at times so I'm dreading the inevitable kick off.
I won't be allowing him to have the kids overnight with the current situation, he's sleeping at a mates house and I know they drink a lot/ probably take drugs. Dd is still breastfeeding through the night anyway.
Its going to be hard because I don't want to leave him with the kids at all but if I stay with them he'll put them in a horrible position.

Aloneandnowwhat Wed 08-Jan-14 21:36:48

He just won't leave us alone. Wants to come tomorrow, won't take kids out - wants to come in the house. I've told him no. Says he's coming anyway, so that'll be him hammering on the door and shouting when I won't let him in, upsetting babies again. Why can't he just fuck off for a while.

BIWI Cote D'Ivoire Wed 08-Jan-14 21:40:04

You're not going to let him in, are you?

Aloneandnowwhat Wed 08-Jan-14 21:42:13

No because I know he'll start upsetting the kids, but he's going to turn up and frighten them with his banging on the door etc. last time he smashed our living room window.

Glenshee Wed 08-Jan-14 21:47:14

Pack all his stuff and leave outside.

Be prepared to call the police if you need to.

But right now - call Women's Aid and ask for advice in preparation.

Is there a friend or a relative who could be with you for several days? Or at least tomorrow, so that you are not alone at the time when he tries to push his way in?

Glenshee Wed 08-Jan-14 21:47:41

You need a witness.

BIWI Cote D'Ivoire Wed 08-Jan-14 21:48:23

Get a friend round, and if he does kick off, call the police. Don't hesitate.

MissScatterbrain Wed 08-Jan-14 21:50:00

Have your phone with you so that you can call 999 quickly.

You can call 101 to warn the police that he is threatening to turn up tomorrow.

Aloneandnowwhat Wed 08-Jan-14 21:50:43

I'm trying to think of someone but can't. I'm so worried about it to be honest, he knows we're vulnerable here and he frightens me at times. When he's horrible his face changes, everything and I don't know what he'll do.
I can't go out unless I get the locks changed tomorrow and don't know if they'll do it that quickly.

BIWI Cote D'Ivoire Wed 08-Jan-14 21:53:40

How about locking up, going to bed and turning all the lights off, so it looks like you're out?

MissScatterbrain Wed 08-Jan-14 21:55:50

Call 101 for advice - its an non emergency number.

Aloneandnowwhat Wed 08-Jan-14 21:58:30

I'll ring 101 first thing. It's not about stopping contact, I just need to know that he's going to be calm and not upset them.

Glenshee Wed 08-Jan-14 22:05:35

Call 101.

Then keep thinking about a friend or relative who might be available. Someone's presence would make a major difference.

RenterNomad Thu 09-Jan-14 10:04:59

glenshee and others all had it: witnesses, witnesses, witnesses.

captainmummy Thu 09-Jan-14 15:06:09

Did you phone 101 OP?

Aloneandnowwhat Thu 09-Jan-14 15:42:15

I've called the locksmith and he's coming today or tomorrow, ex seems to be reasonable at the minute. He wants to see the kids tomorrow, I've told him he can't come in the house.

captainmummy Thu 09-Jan-14 15:45:40

Well done OP - little steps. If he does kick off, do phone the police. If he is hauled away, I bet he doesn't do it again.

RenterNomad Thu 09-Jan-14 15:50:31

Good work!

Aloneandnowwhat Thu 09-Jan-14 16:09:07

I don't want him to take the kids tomorrow but that's better than letting him in isn't it? I don't think he'll want them for very long.

RenterNomad Thu 09-Jan-14 18:43:02

Why should he have them when he's so unstable?

Glenshee Thu 09-Jan-14 19:10:44

Do you know how long he'll have them for, where and when to collect them, and where will they be whilst with him? Ask all these questions and have answers recorded so that you have reasons to call police if things don't go to plan.

I said this before, and will say it again.

I would be very concerned about children staying with someone you know you cannot trust.

Glenshee Thu 09-Jan-14 19:11:29

Did you call 101, or WA or both?

Aloneandnowwhat Thu 09-Jan-14 19:39:34

Do you still think I need to? I feel like I've got things under control, it's been quiet today.

Glenshee Thu 09-Jan-14 19:55:22

Things are under control because he's not anywhere near you! It would be good to keep it that way, but you're planning on seeing him again! You need to prepare!

You also need advice with regards to how much contact he's reasonably entitled to, what you can and can't legally do in terms of refusing to let him in the house, changing locks etc.

Tinkertaylor1 Thu 09-Jan-14 22:43:53

Hello OP!
How are you doing ?

I would leave letting him take the children for a while until things settle down. He could take the kids off some where and not bring them back till you allow them in the house.

You will see all the nasty bastard sides this man has to offer now as you hold the cards. He he turns up banging shouting, close the curtains and just phone police immediately . If you feel scared - phone police.

He sounds like a horrible bully and he wasn't thinking about his kids when he was screwing some one else in the toilets so don't do him any favours regarding access at the moment. Your primary concern is your and dc safety .

flowers

Tinkertaylor1 Thu 09-Jan-14 22:46:11

From bitter experience do not let him in as you WILL NOT GET HIM OUT! These guys never learn a lesson , they just ramp up another level .

Onefewernow Thu 09-Jan-14 23:47:11

Oh I really know the answer to your question . He denies the obvious to make you shut up and pretend it isn't happening .

Aloneandnowwhat Fri 10-Jan-14 07:32:44

Tinker I'll rethink the contact then. It's awful not knowing what to do for the best, I'm trying to do what's right for the kids.

Tinkertaylor1 Fri 10-Jan-14 08:36:06

Morning alone

To do what's best for the dc at this point in time, it's to do what's best for their mother.
When their mother is in a safe,happy , stable environment then she create the same for her dc.

Things are very much volatile at the moment,emotions running high on both sides. He will try every truck in the book, tears, sorrow, remorse,begging, pleading for forgiveness then bouts of anger,temper, violence to try force you to submit when all else is failing .

It's a bulling, abusive prick trait.

How are you and the kids?

captainmummy Fri 10-Jan-14 08:55:39

Tinker - quite.

OP - if he must have access, then you all go somewhere. Park, soft play - somewhere he is not alone with them (this is a dangerous time, at the end of a relationship, esp with a controlling, abusive man)

If he doesn't agree to that, then there is NO contact until it has been to court and agreed by a judge.

Aloneandnowwhat Fri 10-Jan-14 09:03:10

We're all fine thanks, it's a much better atmosphere now he's gone. He was going to take ds to the park so maybe I'll go along with them and just sit a bit out of the way, I've warned him this is his only chance and if he starts anything I won't let him have contact again.

Aloneandnowwhat Fri 10-Jan-14 09:07:35

And now the texts have started again begging for another chance. Just when I think things have settled down a bit off he goes again. I'm thinking the best idea would be to cancel today but I know that will cause him to kick off. I'll be ready though, will either go out or call police.

cjel Fri 10-Jan-14 09:15:27

Alone. It is really hard to have to be tough because we don't think like them and still believe what they say about being reasonable. It does become easier when you start to believe the worst and then you aren't surprised when they kick off!!!Hope today goes wellx

Glenshee Fri 10-Jan-14 09:59:52

Ugh. I'd be tempted to wait until dust settles. Cancel and say that you need to talk things through between yourselves first, so that you act in the best interests of children when you're in front of them.

Then arrange time and place to meet him without the kids - but without falling over yourself to arrange it quickly (it will be hard to arrange childcare for two young children, no doubt)...

Aloneandnowwhat Fri 10-Jan-14 11:09:23

Just back in from meeting him. Changed it to this morning S I know he's at work so thought he wouldn't be able to linger. He started going on about how sorry he is, kept trying to talk to me. I said if he didn't stop I'd turn round and take kids home. Went as well as I expected really, some sly comments to ds like its mummy's fault I'm not coming home etc.
I feel like I've given him a chance to be a better person so I've done all I can. Will put him off for a while now until he can prove he's going to be calmer.

Glenshee Fri 10-Jan-14 11:17:29

Well done Alone. And very pleased to hear that even though it was deeply unpleasant, you are all safe. You've done really well. Focus on the kids and yourself now.

cjel Fri 10-Jan-14 11:18:04

Well done Alone, How do you feel?x

Aloneandnowwhat Fri 10-Jan-14 11:21:52

Thanks Glenshee I really appreciate your advice. It was against my better judgement to meet him and I'm not in a rush to do it again.
He's trying his hardest to make me give in, it's like someone on here said; he goes from being sweetness and light to crying, being nasty and using the kids.
I've previously worried that people would fall for his sob stories and think I'm a nasty cow for not letting him see them, but I read something on here about toxic people and it's exactly right - now I don't care if he bad mouths me, just bothered about me and the kids.
I can't thank you all enough for this support, every time I've had a crisis I've come back to read through. I can't wait for life to start again!

Aloneandnowwhat Fri 10-Jan-14 11:23:11

Cjel I feel great. The only thing making me down is knowing I'll never be fully rid of him because of the children. Although the few people I've told seem to think he'll lose interest after a while.

TalkativeJim Fri 10-Jan-14 11:27:29

The one thing I would do is let him know that unless the sly 'it's mummy's fault' stuff stops, then contact will be stopped and he can take it to court. Tell him to google 'parental alienation' and think very carefully about how he handles this, because you will have no qualms about taking advice and stopping him seeing them.

Hopefully that might put the frighteners on him a bit.

captainmummy Fri 10-Jan-14 12:45:43

Absolutely, Jim. ANY time he starts to dig at you through the kids OP means he is using them. That stops right away. If he wants contact he has to play it by the book, and put the DC first, not himself.

And hmm at 'giving him another chance' - to do what, exactly? Sleep with others? Use the kids to dig at you? Scream and threaten?

Glad it went well.

Tinkertaylor1 Fri 10-Jan-14 12:53:21

alone well done!

Stick at it! He probably will lose interest , men like that see there kids as extension of there mother. If your not part of the package he won't bother with the kids and if he wasn't a great dad at home he don't start now.

Just be aware there may be times where you feel lonely , or you think he has turned a corner but think back to how he made you feel.

I made a diary so when after a few months he sent flowers and begged I went over the pages if I felt I was softening to him.

Well done once again x

Aloneandnowwhat Fri 10-Jan-14 15:04:31

Captainmummy I didn't mean give him another chance with me, just a chance to do right by the kids meaning not using them to get at me.
Tinker, do you actually know him? grin

Tinkertaylor1 Fri 10-Jan-14 17:04:57

Hmmm I'm from the north west ? wink

I spent ten years with two men (not not at the same time!) and they were carbon copy of each other apart from one was physically abusive as well as EA.

I seriously had to look deep at why I was attracting these men!

Don't credit him with the ability of separating you from the kids at the moment. Honestly he will see you all as one being He will fight tooth and nail now to get back in the home. You are breaking free and he will despise that.

Turn your phone off ignore the door, you don't owe him an explanation or a bed for the night.

He brought you to this point , fuck him! grin

Aloneandnowwhat Fri 10-Jan-14 18:52:58

Having to sit on my hands here to avoid replying to his rubbish!
Now I'm the bitch from hell who's stopping him seeing his kids and he's the model dad. This is because I won't let him have them tomorrow or come to put them to bed on Sunday. I don't think contact every day at the minute would be good for any of us.
I definitely think he's being a dick to make me want to take him back just to get an easy life; he didn't spend much time with them when he lived here!
I just need to not rise to his little games don't I?

RenterNomad Fri 10-Jan-14 19:31:50

Have you told him to back off, and made it explicit that he is harassing you, so you can treat future texted abuse as legal harassment?

Factual communications about the DC is ok, but it is not on to say you are a bitch from hell, and press to invade your boundaries (the house) when he has demonstrated that he is abusive in such circumstances.

cjel Fri 10-Jan-14 19:39:43

Oh dear, They are so predictable aren't they? Stay sitting on your hands. If you don't need it for anything else turn it off for tonight and enjoy your peace and quiet, Stay strongx

Tinkertaylor1 Fri 10-Jan-14 20:50:42

Hey alone you still sitting in your hands grin

How are you feeling? Why don't you get yourself a cheap mobile phone , turn your old one off and just keep the new one on. Then you don't have to deal with the barrage of nonsense. It's quite wearing !

You can switch it on when you are ready .

Aloneandnowwhat Fri 10-Jan-14 21:06:39

Tinker it is very wearing! One of his family members has been in touch saying he's in a bad way, obviously he's been giving it the sob story. I've told them the reasons he's gone so they understand now.
How is it possible that he's become the victim in all of this?
On the plus side I've got the babies in bed with me and it's lovely. Trying to think of something we can do tomorrow to get us out of the house all day.
Yes I think I will be changing my number, it's hard not to retaliate to the texts but I know that's exactly what he wants.

Tinkertaylor1 Fri 10-Jan-14 21:44:42

Hey alone! In is own world he is the victim , it's all he knows! He has been thinking if his own gratification throughout out your relationship , he isn't going to start caring about you now <---- don't want that to sound harsh. He is just for his own sorry arse!! - wanker!

I love cuddles in bed with dd (9m)but I really have to limit time as I won't be able to get her in her cot or she will be like lightning and try to fling herself of end if the bed! Have you got netflix? I'm addicted to it in bed!

Lord, my exs used to say exactly the things to get me reaching for the phone to text an arsy response back, but it's contact and that's what they want.

I'm due back of maternity tomorrow and looking forward to it! escaping
Have you any ideas on your work?

Aloneandnowwhat Fri 10-Jan-14 21:57:53

I seem to be on mn a lot at the minute, but might look into netflix to stop me obsessing!
I've been told I'll be on day shift for at least a couple of months when I go back in march, I was saving for a house deposit but that will go towards childcare now - I don't want to ask him to help out with looking after them.
I bet you're looking forward to having a bit of adult conversation, I find that although the friends I have through ds are lovely, all we talk about are the kids!

Tinkertaylor1 Fri 10-Jan-14 22:21:26

Hey alone I've PM you

Glenshee Sat 11-Jan-14 13:01:54

Hope all is well today Alone biscuitbrew

Aloneandnowwhat Sat 11-Jan-14 19:22:38

Glensheethanks I've had a lovely day out with the kids, another one planned for tomorrow. Ex has been pretty quiet today, have offered him to take ds to playgroup on Monday but not had a straight answer yet.
Thanks for asking thanks

Glenshee Sat 11-Jan-14 19:49:43

Great stuff,
onwards and upwards Alone! smile

Tinkertaylor1 Sun 12-Jan-14 19:38:45

Hi alone how was your day out?

Aloneandnowwhat Sun 12-Jan-14 20:45:55

Had a great day with the kids again.
Meeting ex at playgroup tomorrow so he can see them. Need to sort out specific contact but I'm feeling it might be too soon. Also need to get the rest of his things out of the house, he doesn't have much so I might just drop it off later tomorrow - don't want him in the house still.
Have now signed up to Netflix and in the process of seeing what all the fuss is about with Breaking Bad!

SingleAndLovingIt Sun 12-Jan-14 22:23:04

Just been catching up with your week alone - you did it! well done! now keep striding forwards and don't look back...so proud of you smile

Aloneandnowwhat Mon 13-Jan-14 12:01:20

Well we met him at playgroup, lasted half an hour before he stormed out because I wouldn't discuss our relationship. We stayed and had a lovely time, came home to him sat on the doorstep - made him leave before I would open the door. He's got a few days off work now so he's obviously going to start some hassle to keep himself occupied, the suicide threats have started but I'm just ignoring everything.
Feeling strong but harassed.

Glenshee Mon 13-Jan-14 13:19:08

Great news. Stay safe. Call WA to research where you stand legally with his requests for contact and with keeping him out of the house.

captainmummy Mon 13-Jan-14 13:25:58

'suicide threats' - it's all so predictable. Tomorrow, he'll be crying and sad and desperate to change - for a while. Then it will be angry and shouting, and then possibly super-nice....

Oh and still allive.

If you seriously think he is in danger, call the police, or his parents, or samaritans - don't engage with him in this . (oh and tell him you are phoning police etc!) He will need professional advice. And it might make him stop with the manipulation.

All contact through solicitors, other than essential child-related stuff. He's made his bed, it's his own shit, he can lie in it.

AnyFucker Germany Mon 13-Jan-14 13:27:53

OP, you are fabulous.

cjel Mon 13-Jan-14 13:38:56

Well done OP you sound so much more in control now and are starting to see which is reality and which is nonsense. I think that you should keep in mind some advice from WA or the police if you feel yourself unsure but you seem to have things together now.xx

Aloneandnowwhat Mon 13-Jan-14 13:50:49

Thank you everyone, I can honestly say it's only because of the advice on here and other peoples posts that I can see him for what he is. It's ridiculous to think they all follow the exact same script - and why would him threatening to kill himself make me realise what a wonderful person he is and forgive him all his many wrongdoings??

StraightLineOfResignation Mon 13-Jan-14 14:25:22

read the whole thread, well done , very well done OP,

you've really took control , I'm very impressed, I hope the next few weeks aren't too unbearable.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Mon 13-Jan-14 14:31:37

You are doing really well. SO strong.

Do not allow him to make you the bad guy in front of the children again. If he does, just leave.

Tinkertaylor1 Mon 13-Jan-14 14:56:42

Well done you!

flowers

Aloneandnowwhat Mon 13-Jan-14 17:41:34

Just went to put rubbish out and he's sat outside the door in the back yard.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Mon 13-Jan-14 17:45:11

Ignore him or tell him to bog off back to his girlfriend or his mum's.

He doesn't believe you aren't going to take him back. You have to make him believe it is over.

captainmummy Mon 13-Jan-14 18:10:46

Is it raining, Alone? grin

Hasn't he got a bed somewhere? Anywhere? Back of the car? He's pathetic; he did this - he can't complain when it bites him on the bum.

AnyFucker Germany Mon 13-Jan-14 18:22:08

Christ, he is a stupid fuck, isn't he

Tell him to sling his hook.

Better still, throw a pail of dirty water over him "by accident" (just joking about that bit)

AnyFucker Germany Mon 13-Jan-14 18:24:01
cjel Mon 13-Jan-14 18:40:31

I think you should ring 101 and report that you feel scared of his behaviour. They will log it and may even pop over and have a quiet word.xx

Glenshee Mon 13-Jan-14 18:42:47

Call police and say you feel threatened by this.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Mon 13-Jan-14 18:56:03

Only call the police if you genuinely feel threatened. Don't waste limited resources.

RenterNomad Mon 13-Jan-14 19:14:05

Outside the back door?! If the area is locked, all the more reason to call the police and get some witnesses! shock

Tinkertaylor1 Mon 13-Jan-14 19:19:08

Pah typical!

The old, poor me I've got no where to go trick. <---- this is actually intimidation . Leave him there, close curtains and don't look out.

He clearly still isn't respecting your feelings or boundaries .

Creepy twat!

Aloneandnowwhat Mon 13-Jan-14 19:22:56

Hi all, he started banging on windows etc so I rang 101 for advice. They sent some policewomen round but he'd already gone when they got here.
They've been round to warn him and said he was obnoxious to them, I told them about the suicide threats also. They told me to get a solicitor and get a contact order but I don't want to do him any favours.
I've offered him to see them at playgroup again tomorrow so I'm being more than generous.

captainmummy Mon 13-Jan-14 19:25:59

Well done for that OP - he was obnoxious to the police too? What a charmer.

Next time he threatens suicide (why do these people think we care?) tell him that you can only notify the professionals.

He needs to get solicitors advice re contact. You have done plenty.

Aloneandnowwhat Mon 13-Jan-14 19:35:44

Yeah he wouldn't let them in then slammed door in their faces! I might have been a bit ott but it was a shock walking right into him and he's got form for breaking in so I was genuinely worried.
I was surprised they told me to get the contact order, at the minute it's all up to me but if I had that I'd have to hand them over regardless of his state of mind. I'll seek some sort of advice but certainly won't be inadvertently helping him out.

ummingandahhing Mon 13-Jan-14 20:38:29

Bloody hell OP. You have been amazing. It's only been just over a week and look how far you've come!

Aloneandnowwhat Mon 13-Jan-14 21:29:01

I don't feel amazing. I feel shattered and under siege if that makes sense. Looking forward to some peace and quiet but who knows when that will ever happen sad

cjel Mon 13-Jan-14 21:53:07

I think thats just why you need contact order. You will know when ans where you will have to see him and won't have to have contact for any other reason.
Stop offering to meet him he will step up the bad behaviour trying to make you feel bad and it will wear you out. Take advice from thepolice, they have seen it all before and know what they are talking about.xx

Aloneandnowwhat Mon 13-Jan-14 22:26:25

They did ring me back and I asked them if I should still allow contact. The policewoman said it was a good idea to use a playgroup as a meeting place. Maybe tomorrow is too soon.

SingleAndLovingIt Mon 13-Jan-14 23:00:47

Maybe refuse to meet him with kids again until he respects your boundaries and leaves you alone? Reward the good behaviour?

cjel Mon 13-Jan-14 23:18:43

Playgroup is a good place but although its tempting to reward good behaviour(And I agree) it may be seen as provocative f he doesn't think hes behaved badly?x

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