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He won't leave !!!

(27 Posts)
applecrumbleandcream Sun 05-Jan-14 17:45:52

I don't love my husband anymore and, though he hasn't said it, I don't think he loves me. I have asked him to leave and go to his brother's for a while to give us a break from each other, but he says he's not going anywhere and why should he. It seems he's prepared to just plod on for the sake of losing face to his family (who all hate me according to him) I'm sick and tired of the arguing, it's making me ill and although we've argued when dd(6) is in bed, there is no love in the marriage and she must feel this surely. Don't know what to do, I'm so miserable sad

Handywoman Sun 05-Jan-14 17:47:50

So sorry to read this. Yes you are right, your dd will feel this, and so much more. Can you go and stay anywhere right now? Please make an appt with solicitor first thing tomorrow morning.

WorraLiberty Sun 05-Jan-14 17:49:54

Sorry things are not working out for you

But I agree with him, why should he leave his home?

WhoNickedMyName Sun 05-Jan-14 17:51:52

You've decided you don't love him, fair enough, but I don't get why he should leave? Can't you go and stay somewhere for a while instead?

applecrumbleandcream Sun 05-Jan-14 17:53:43

I didn't consider leaving as it would uproot dd and why should she have to suffer?

wannabestressfree Sun 05-Jan-14 18:12:35

But dd wouldn't automatically go with you though would she? I think what people are getting at is although you have checked out of your marriage he may not of so it may be up to you to leave.....

applecrumbleandcream Sun 05-Jan-14 18:23:40

Thanks for your reply but there is absolutely no way on this planet I would go leave to go anywhere without dd. Also, he has 'checked out' of marriage as well.

Handywoman Sun 05-Jan-14 18:26:13

I think there is more to this than the 'OP checking out' (her H says his family all hate here, FFS). Makes sense for the dd to stay in the house with the main carer. He obviously has somewhere to go and should go there, IMO.

RandomMess Sun 05-Jan-14 18:28:27

Perhaps he feels the same, he doesn't want to go anywhere without his dd either?

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Sun 05-Jan-14 18:32:43

Go to a solicitor and begin divorce proceedings. A court can require him to leave and allow you and the child to remain in the family home until she's grown up and then it can be sold.
or you could find a rental and accept an uprooting of the child now and the fact youd have to settle her into a new home as well as support her through the break up, because in the long term, it will be better than staying like this with two miserable parents who will likely grow to hate each other.
I think you will have to do something before he believes that you mean this.

HedgehogsRevenge Sun 05-Jan-14 18:39:28

If you're positive it's over and determined to stay in the house then just have minimal contact, don't cook for him, engage in polite chit chat etc. Take advantage of having live in childcare and get out as much as you can. Basically just get on with living your life, hopefully he'll get the message eventually. Oh and file got divorce, then he'll know for sure it's over.
Saying that I couldn't live like that and would probably move out.

Bogeyface Sun 05-Jan-14 18:50:53

I am afraid I have to agree that if you want out and he doesnt then you must be the one to leave. If you cant come to an agreement about the house then you will have to sell it anyway, so better to be proactive and find yourself somewhere new now than be forced into it later.

If he decided your marriage was over when you didnt want it to end and he asked you to leave, would you?

applecrumbleandcream Sun 05-Jan-14 19:37:35

I have thought about leaving but I wouldn't be able to afford to rent anything on my own as I only work part time. I am looking for full time work but decent paying jobs are a bit hard to come by at the moment in our area. I was under the impression that he should leave the marital home really as it would be hard enough for dd without being made to leave her house as well.

I'm just so unhappy. We are just plodding along at the moment and it's unbearable.

Thanks for the replies. I guess it's just down to me now if he's not going anywhere.

Jinglejanglesleighbells Sun 05-Jan-14 19:49:53

You definitely don't sound like you should be together any longer and you'd be far happier apart.

I think you need to be prepared to leave if he doesn't want to go; it might actually work out better and smoother for dd if you both leave rather than stay there and he go.

You would be entitled to housing benefit which would help you rent somewhere on your own and also child/ working tax credits if you are working part-time (over 16 hours a week for working tax credit I think), that would all add up to a considerable amount so you should be able to afford it.

WorraLiberty Sun 05-Jan-14 19:50:50

Would he want your DD to live with you or him OP?

Viviennemary Sun 05-Jan-14 19:59:29

I don't see why he should leave his home any more than you should leave your home. As others have said you will be entitled to help with rent and so on. Surely this is worth considering if you don't want a long drawn out impasse.

applecrumbleandcream Sun 05-Jan-14 20:00:09

I think he would love it if I just disappeared tbh then she would live with him but she is my dd and is going nowhere without me. She would want to live with me anyway as he is very grumpy and moody, always has been. She's the only reason I get up every morning. I love her dearly and feel so upset that it's come to this.

MrsOakenshield Sun 05-Jan-14 20:02:24

he may have checked out of your marriage but had he checked out of being a parent? Perhaps the idea of leaving his DD makes him sick to the stomach, and 'no way on this planet' is he going anywhere without here.

You need to both sit down and thrash this out. Clearly the situation is untenable but he may be so distraught at the idea of leaving his child that he can't think of the damage that your marriage is almost certainly causing your DD.

Or, he could be being an arse. In which case get a solicitor and start divorce proceedings.

MrsOakenshield Sun 05-Jan-14 20:02:55

*her, not here.

Bogeyface Sun 05-Jan-14 20:25:30

Mrs has a good point, you cant bear to be without her, well there is no reason why he shouldnt feel the same way. And dont forget that 50/50 care will not be hard for him to get in court should it go that far, so you need to remember that whatever happens, she will be spending significant amounts of time away from you.

ThisSucks Sun 05-Jan-14 20:29:56

If he has his brother's to go to, and all that is stopping him is losing face, then I think he is being selfish to stay...his daughter is suffering right now so surely if he cared about her he would move out until things could be sorted with the house. Especially if he is the moody one. Plus the OP did say it was just to give them all a break. I think he was low and rather aggressive to say to you that all his family hate you.

Strongmum72 Sun 05-Jan-14 20:38:04

It really depends on the financial side of things, do you work op ? Solicitors will tell both of you not to leave, but at the end of the day someone has to if the marriage is open. You have to consider your dd first and it would be best not to uproot her, so I think if she is staying with you and he has the stronger finances it should be him that leaves, but it's persuading him that the problem. Have you any money or somewhere to go if not ? It's not good for your dd to be in an unhappy home would be my first argument and the fact you have no money would be my second x

Strongmum72 Sun 05-Jan-14 20:38:47

Supposed to say if marriage is over not open!!

HedgehogsRevenge Sun 05-Jan-14 20:41:27

But then again, he might want very little or no contact, it's more common than you'd think. If he's moody all the time there's a chance he's pretty disengaged as a parent also.
You sound miserable though OP. I'd be seriously looking into what help you can get financially and start looking for somewhere to live.

SingleAndLovingIt Sun 05-Jan-14 20:45:13

My ex-dh would not move out and we stayed living in the same house for 18 months. He went to sleep in the spare room. He'd come home from work and I'd go out as the tension was awful, I used to go out at the weekend as well, joined some social groups for hikes or saw friends or family. It was a very hard time. But courts tend to judge that the primary carer, usually the mother, should stay in the marital home with the children and by sticking it out rather than me leaving my house and children with him (as he suggested!) I've been able to keep some stability for my kids by keeping them in my own home. Its for them not for me.

Strongmum72 Sun 05-Jan-14 20:52:42

Yeh I agree single uprooting my children at that time would made things twice as bad for the children, there was no way I was leaving them and there was no way he could of looked after them properly , he had to go sorry , just go on strike and even pack his bags if he continues to be moody and tell you his family hates you x

WorraLiberty Sun 05-Jan-14 21:05:14

MrsOakenshield has it spot on I think OP.

You both need to talk this out and obviously put your DD first. But when you say...

"I think he would love it if I just disappeared tbh then she would live with him but she is my dd and is going nowhere without me."

Please remember she is his DD as well. Her needs will be first and foremost and they may not necessarily be what you think they should be.

It's a horrible position for you all to be in but I'm sure you can all get through it.

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