Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Maybe meeting ex soon. Advice?

(51 Posts)
Eponine2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 12:56:13

Hello, first time poster here so I hope I'm in the right place (apologies if not).

I shan't go into details and its very long and complicated, but the essence of my situation is I was with a man, I believe I was a rebound and we rushed things, it ended up being a very short relationship, he was in the wrong head space and so was I for different reasons, then after he ended things I have basically been slightly badgering him.
Not entirely all down to me; we would sleep together, he would beat himself up over it, it was a huge mess basically.

He recently said he wanted no contact at all, but we did speak on the phone not long afterwards and he said he has mixed feelings about me, doesn't feel we have a future but could be wrong. He then said he cannot work out why he still likes me after all the rubbish I have put him through (cannot go into details as some of it is ongoing re work) but if I leave him alone until something at work has completed (he may be fired, that's all i am willing to say), he will come and see me with "as much of an open mind as I can manage" even though he really doesn't want to.

Now. Aside from the fact there are huge red flags n the history, his choice of words and everything else, if he does get in touch (and there is a chance he won't, I know that, but he does have some jewellery of mine he says he will return to me when he comes over), I would like to give us a chance to just get on.

I'm not sure what I want and expect from him at this moment in time, but since the break up I had a habit of rehashing the past quite a lot which led to tension.

So IF he gets in touch and IF I decide to meet him, how should I handle the situation?

I feel like I have two options; 1 - apologise for my part in the crap that occurred post breakup, tell him I would like us to have a chance to get on as friends and maybe more in future, BUT if he can't handle that then I respect his decision (then disappear) or 2 - treat the meet up as almost like a first date with a new man; just keep it light, friendly, fun, not mention the old, dead relationship or anything new, and see how it goes.

What would you do?

Sorry for the triviality of this, there is an age gap between us but I'm old enough to feel quite embarrassed by this post and my situation!

CookieDoughKid Sun 05-Jan-14 13:02:52

I would detach as much as possible and treat it looks a brand new relationship. I would not sleep with him for as long as possible because it could maybe he is only after a friends with benefits and saying anything you want to hear!!

Do not apologised if u can say you are not a bunny boiler!

Logg1e Sun 05-Jan-14 13:07:28

I would do you option 3 and not meet up with him at all and try to gather up some little bits of dignity.

Eponine2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 13:11:04

Really? Well that is still an option at this stage.

There is no guarantee he will get in touch, and I am not going to contact him at all.

I'm 50/50 about it all at the moment, if he does get in touch it won't be for a good few weeks yet, so by then I might be completely over it anyway.

I'm just trying to prepare now, so that if he does get in touch and I do still want to meet him, I wont mess it up.

Cookie - no I won't sleep with him, if I do meet it would be purely talking.

Logg1e Sun 05-Jan-14 13:14:54


What part of him do you find attractive? The bit where he says he can't see himself having a future with you? The bit where he regrets having sex with you? The bit where he explains he doesn't know why he still talks to you after what you put him through at work, or the bit where he says he will try his very best to be in your company "with an open mind"?

And that's before you mention any of the "red flags" from when you were actually in a relationship.

NatashaBee Sun 05-Jan-14 13:15:08

He's made it clear he isn't that interested in you, it sounds like he's either keeping his options option to sleep with you or is just too feeble to say 'sorry, not interested'.

Eponine2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 13:25:48

It is very complicated, and there is a lot I can't go into.

I do agree its not exactly positive, but believe that his reactions (and mine) post breakup were due to our seperate issues and stresses.

The way he worded the open mind comment, was he can't work out why he still likes me after everything so there must be something about me for him to feel that way, if I give him the space he is asking for now, it will give him time to get over the work stuff, see if he misses me and prove to him that I do care and can be trusted not to pester him when he needs space, and he will come round with an open mind so I can act however I want towards him and we can see how we get on (I know, that last bit clearly means he hopes will sleep with him)

Which also sounds very patronising so maybe he is an arse.

Believe me though, he has reason for thinking this way and I would like a chance to just talk without all the other stuff surrounding it (sex, kissing, rehashing of past wrongs...)

Leverette Sun 05-Jan-14 13:29:05

It sounds like a mess that's best avoided. Why is he about to get fired? He's not going to be a good bet as a boyfriend for that alone wrt stresses of job hunting etc.

Leverette Sun 05-Jan-14 13:30:41

As for "he can't work out why he still likes you". Please. You deserve better. I think you're already falling into the trap of believing that if you work really hard at being loveable he will live you and suddenly treat you really well.

kinkyfuckery Sun 05-Jan-14 13:32:30

You sound like a bit of a weird stalker, tbh.

TheOwlService Sun 05-Jan-14 13:35:48

If I were you I would just move on and not look back.

I realize its tempting to prolong things if you still have feelings for him but TBH it sounds very one sided on your part.

Carrying on trying to breathe some life into it will only hurt you further in the long run.

SavoyCabbage Sun 05-Jan-14 13:39:29

I would also do option three. I really can't see it all healing up and becoming a regular relationship without any of the drama. There's just too much water under the bridge, even without the extra work complication.

Eponine2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 13:42:06

You could be right.

I think its just that it went so wrong, so quickly.

Just wanted to give him a second chance in a way.

Then if we had a proper fun talk rather than all the drama filled nonsense of old and he was STILL an emotional mess them would know it WAS him am not circumstance smile

Leverette, can't really explain why he might be fired, but it was due to seeing me. Not something I did though. All I can say really...

kalidanger Sun 05-Jan-14 13:44:55

He's saying he can't work out why he still likes you in order to keep you wondering and off balance so you'll work harder to keep him happy and have sex with him if he fancies it.

Seems to be working hmm

Eponine2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 13:49:26

Do you think so kalidanger?

Well actually, the exact wording was "I don't know why I still think deep down, you're a nice person after everything you have put me through, by I do".

He says he's not a sex outside of a relationship person and never has been but gets so tempted when he is here with me. Yes, sounded a line to me too, but he keeps saying it as a reason for regretting it afterwards.

Maybe he is a player, I didn't want to believe that.

Seriously though, no second chances? Seems a bit harsh now his previous stress is over and mine is too,

A meeting with finally level heads sounded a good idea, is all.

Leverette Sun 05-Jan-14 13:49:30

I really hope you weren't a patient or user of a health service and he a nurse or other HCP?

kalidanger Sun 05-Jan-14 13:52:00

Yes, I think so. You have to compare what he's saying with what he's doing. A decent, responsible person would give your jewellery back and concentrate on keeping his job. Wtf is all this old flannel?

Eponine2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 14:05:17

No not that extreme, Leverette. Co worker, and apparently work policy is that its a breach of the code og the company to fate a colleague. I was relatively new to the place and didn't realise, he says he wasn't either.

He's being investigated since it came out...which is why he wanted the no contact until the investigation concludes.

Kali - I didn't even realise I had left the jewellery there, it was just in the course of the conversation, he said he would definitely come and see me once the investigation is over, I said I doubted that and he swore on his fathers grave (most sacred thing to him apparently) that he would "and I will bring your necklace with me, too".

I know I am being silly, I just hate the way it ended up and wanted a last chance to prove we can get on in a civil way, I suppose. As all we had since the break up is confusion and rehashing the past every time we met.

I'm sure I will feel the same way as you in a few weeks smile

Fwiw though, the meet was - on my part at least - just this chance to have a chat and get on, nothing else intended. I was planning on leaving it afterwards and seeing if he got in touch. Whilst getting on with my own life smile

fuzzywuzzy Sun 05-Jan-14 14:11:06

why can't he just postthe necklace to you?

leave well alone, gather up your dignity and look for someone who is available, do you believe he was unaware of the no dating co-workers policy? It's pretty clear at most work places and if he'd been working there for a while he should have been aware it's not at all unusual.

Eponine2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 14:13:39

I just assumed I wasn't aware, so he may not have been.

Time to be my head out of the sand I suppose... thanks all smile

Logg1e Sun 05-Jan-14 14:17:33

Eponine, I think its just that it went so wrong, so quickly

This is not a good sign. The start of a relationship is not meant to go wrong, or be difficult or confusing. You're not supposed to try to find reasons to try.

This relationship doesn't sound good for either of you. I disagree with Kalindanger, I don't think he's saying this to mess you about, I think he may be saying it 'cos it's the only way to get rid of you.

Eponine2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 14:24:49

Logg1e - again, can't go into details but I think our desperate stresses were a lot to blame, plus him just being out of another relationship quite recently, he was in a bad place emotionally, and we have both said we probably should have met now, rather than then as we are both more sorted out emotionally.

I agree with you though that it shouldn't be that way at the start of a relationship.

By your logic though, if I'm now leaving him alone, he has got the desired effect - so doesn't that mean he doesn't need to get in touch in a few weeks, or ever?

If he does...then what would this mean?

Eponine2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 14:26:51

Sorry what I mean is, if he said it to get rid then my not contacting him until he gets in touch is giving him what he wanted, yes?

So in theory he won't contact me.

If he does, he's either doing it solely to keep his promise, or because he wants to come and see me and see how we get on?

fuzzywuzzy Sun 05-Jan-14 14:30:08

You sound very stalkery and are over analysing everything.

He has said he doesn't want a relationship with you and that you are the cause of his problems.

Tell him to post your necklace to you and forget him. He coudl be adding the I might see how it goes bit becasue he's scared you're unhinged and will make things worse for him at work if you knwo he wants to end it comepltely.

TheOwlService Sun 05-Jan-14 14:31:10

Google "Baggage Reclaim" site

Could be helpful

Eponine2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 14:34:04

No, have since left the place. Too embarrassing everyone knowing we were together.

I just think that if he gets in touch, he would be doing it because he was willing to meet up.

Otherwise after 6-10 weeks of not hearing from me (which is what it will be, once the investigation concludes) surely I'd have proven I'm not going to cause trouble for him?

But anyway I will take all advice and move on.

Logg1e Sun 05-Jan-14 14:35:17

I'm afraid I agree that you're really over-analysing this. I think that you should do absolutely nothing about getting in touch with this man. Move on.

Logg1e Sun 05-Jan-14 14:36:31

"She's proven she's not out to cause me any more trouble" is not really what people look for in a partner.

Eponine2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 14:42:01

True. Although I didn't quite mean it that way smile

I just meant if it gets to the end of the investigation and he does contact me, then surely it would mean he did want to see me?

fuzzywuzzy Sun 05-Jan-14 14:43:05

or it could mean he wants to give back your property and cut all ties so he won't have you stalking him on the pretext of recoverign your jewelery.

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog Sun 05-Jan-14 14:50:22

God this is like the 'janitor' thread all over again........

Eponine2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 14:50:47

Also true. He has to drive past my house to get to work though, so in theory he cold post it through my door tomorrow.

Logg1e Sun 05-Jan-14 14:51:17

OP, then surely it would mean he did want to see me?

Or he may just be after no-strings-attached sex, or just friendship, or he may a bit bored one night or he may just want your address in order to return the jewellery.

Logg1e Sun 05-Jan-14 14:52:18

I don't think it's healthy dwelling on the drama or the reasons behind him possibly doing something he hasn't done yet.

Eponine2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 14:56:40

I'm not dwelling. Im expecting him not to get in touch.

But if he does, I wanted to know how I was going to handle it, so I'm not caught out just in case. Simple as that.

Just friendship is fine with me, the address; well as I said he can post it through my door one ,morning on the way to work if he so wishes.

But as I have said, I will take your advice to leave it. Thank you all.

Logg1e Sun 05-Jan-14 14:59:22

I can see the sense in being prepared for him getting in touch and being just friends. I also think you should prepare (and expect) not to hear from him again.

CastroIsDead Sun 05-Jan-14 15:07:42

hotdog i was thinking the same. wasn't sure if we would be allowed to mention it

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog Sun 05-Jan-14 15:11:18

castro just saying its similar, not saying it's the same OP wink

Eponine2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 15:24:39

Loggie1 - that is exactly what I am doing. Am fully expecting my pendant to appear on my door step in the morning at some point over the next few weeks.

As I said, if he doesn't contact me, I won't be in touch with him. If nothing else, I want to keep a promise I have made at least once.

I have been leaning more towards thinking that its for the best not to meet him even if he wanted to, anyway. Maybe by the time this investigation concludes (which Isshouldn't think would be before the beginning of Feb anyway), I might be well off the idea of ever talking to him again.

I just want to, as I said' know the best way to handle conversation, if he does get in touch and I do decide to see him.

On the off chance ;)

Logg1e Sun 05-Jan-14 15:26:49

How valuable is the pendant to you? Could you write it off? If you're anything like me, you'll be checking the doormat every time you pass, which can be habit-forming and stop you from focussing on the future.

Eponine2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 15:33:18

No, nothing too important, which is why I was confused as to why he even mentioned it as I didn't even realise had left it at his place. I must have been weeks ago I did that...

I too think you sound quite stalkerish & because of this I doubt very much that you'll take advice to steer clear of this man-it is what you should do though & you know it.

Is he a janitor?

Seriously, he's just not that I to you. Move on.

Eponine2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 16:54:00

Apologies I'm coming across as 'stalkerish'.

I don't see it that way but will take your advice anyway.

Eponine2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 17:00:30

Although I can't resist the temptation to ask; what if he DOES get in touch when he says he will?

Am I really just meant to ignore him?

FloWhite Sun 05-Jan-14 17:05:16

Yes I thought that too hot, it's a similar situation.

OP I'd wait until he actually makes contact with you and asks to see you before trying to plan how it will be - there are two of you so you're being a tad presumptuous IMO.

Eponine2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 17:15:49

I know FloWhite. He's not usually one to break promises and he says he will phone asking when I want him to come over; which obviously means I won't have time to 'plan' the best response. And I'm not great when caught on the hop, tend to get a bit flustered and use a lot of "I don't know...".

FloWhite Sun 05-Jan-14 17:34:14

No there's nothing about his promise which means you will be caught on the hop. In fact I think you'd come across better if you tell him you'll get back to him and let him know.

But. He hasn't phoned back yet. And if/when he does do the above and then you don't need to get flustered - and if you still get flustered then it's probably not the right relationship for you.

nopanicandverylittleanxiety Sun 05-Jan-14 17:48:32

I would just give it a miss and get over this. Things shouldn't be this difficult.

No offence, but you do come across as a bit all over the place and maybe vulnerable. Is he someone who shouldn't have been involved with you? eg he is a police officer and you are a victim?
He sounds like he has taken advantage of you when you are vulnerable if that is the case.

No need to ignore just state clearly that you're not interested in any sort of relationship (this includes FWB situations) & request that he posts back what he has of yours & doesn't contact you again. It really is that simple.

Logg1e Sun 05-Jan-14 18:02:01

Just thank him and ask him to pop the pendant through the letterbox as you're pretty busy at the moment. Even if that's not strictly true.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now