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He was scared and I didn't listen

(52 Posts)
Crazyoldlife Sun 05-Jan-14 01:48:43

Well I've posted on here twice before and found it useful and Intetesting. I am
Pregnant and currently living away from partner due to his poor behaviour over past months. He is very sorry etc about it all he says "I was scared that you where pregnant and worried about the future and you wouldnt listen or support me" he said he just wanted me
To tell him that it'd be ok and to support him through his fears. Does this sound
Reasonable? He blames my lack of support/ listening on his poor behaviour- nasty comments/ name calling etc. he states that he wouldnt have got so down if hadn't of shown him little support.

Crazyoldlife Sun 05-Jan-14 01:50:32

I felt I was supportive to some extent but also felt I needed lots of support due to it being an unplanned pregnancy. He then started to self harm/ threaten suicide due to feeling overwhelmed by the pregnancy.

EricNorthmansFangbanger Sun 05-Jan-14 01:53:43

It is all very well him being scared, but he should not have taken it out on you. How did be know you weren't/are scared too?

Just reading through your post it appears that he is trying to push the blame of his behaviour on to you and this isn't on. He should take responsibility of his actions. I'm assuming he hasn't given you the support you need, yet he is expecting support?

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts Sun 05-Jan-14 01:54:11

there is a thread somewhere started by cogitoergo, it is very interesting, its basically a thread about all different womens experiences of men threatening suicide

the upshot is this

we are each responsible for our own actions and decisions

threatening suicide is not reasonable behaviour,

the decision to do this, was entirely his.

LittleDoris Sun 05-Jan-14 01:55:00

He blames my lack of support/ listening on his poor behaviour- nasty comments/ name calling etc. he states that he wouldnt have got so down if hadn't of shown him little support.

Everyone needs to feel supported and listened to.

However.

Any "lack of support" is no excuse whatsoever for treating someone badly.

Do not move back in with this man OP. He is manipulating you and blaming you. He is a grown man who has choices over how to behave. He will get worse when the baby is born.

Make a life for yourself without him.

Crazyoldlife Sun 05-Jan-14 01:57:25

He was supportive to me in first three months then becuse of debt/ issues with ex and work stresses he says it all got too much. He says the self harm and suicide threats where all a cry for help. He said they wouldn't have happened if I'd stopped comments such as " you where fine with your first child" which granted are not nice but i was so frustrated. It resulted in his having rages/ not spending time with me etc, just generally making pregnancy hard. The blaming me is a concern. Thanks for comments so far.

Tonandfeather Sun 05-Jan-14 01:57:47

No it does not sound reasonable. It sounds manipulative. He doesn't sound scared. He sounds abusive.

Stay well away.

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts Sun 05-Jan-14 02:01:00

again i repeat, his actions are his alone, his decisions are his alone. he chose to threaten suicide and self harm rather than a million other things, rather than saying " i feel you are being unsupportive crazyoldlife and i could do with talking things through"

he threatened suicide

it is not normal
it is not reasonable

it is his decision how to react to things in life

EricNorthmansFangbanger Sun 05-Jan-14 02:04:20

It is not your fault OP.

He was and is making an already stressful situation much more stressful. I think that I would tend to agree with the other posters when they say he is quite manipulative. Threatening suicide is quite a strong reaction to this situation. Maybe he is trying to gain some control over you by doing this and making you feel as though you're in the wrong?

I would not move back in with him, his behaviour may get worse. If you make this decision though, I would be prepared for him to make the threats of suicide again.

Crazyoldlife Sun 05-Jan-14 02:05:14

Thanks for posts. I think being pregnant can make you fight harder than you might before because I was dreaming of perfect family but I need to keep
Reminding myself that you cannot blame everything on another person. I have so much bitterness for being treated badly in pregnancy. He claimed that when he tried to speak to me calmly I was no help and didn't support him
So everything escalated.

Kleptronic Sun 05-Jan-14 02:09:33

No no no no no.

No-one should treat you like that, under any circumstances.

He is responsible for his own actions.

He is not behaving well towards you. Rages, sulks etc. are him showing himself to be, at the least, a damaged person. This is not your fault and is not your responsibility. Do not swallow what is not yours! As in, feel stuff if you've done stuff badly, but in this case, No!

You are pregnant, it's not the end of the world, in no way should you be under this kind of behaviour. What did he threaten? I mean, he said 'either you'll do x, or I'll kill myself', I am assuming? Or did he just generally threaten suicide? Not that's it's relevant, really.

Do not move back in with this man.

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts Sun 05-Jan-14 02:09:51

here is the thread i mentioned earlier

my response t him would be, "you are responsible for your own behaviour"

Crazyoldlife Sun 05-Jan-14 02:17:44

In terms of suicide he would talk about having no other option/ feeling out of control. Hes having mental health treatment ATM but in sceptical if itl help/ if he will attend. He would continually list things that I've done wrong in the relationship ( which I have Definetly) dating back to four weeks into the relationship. He says that if I cannot tell him "why" I have done them then they will remain In his head unanswered making him angry and frustrated. I often ask "why did you stay with me then?" and he says "because I was blinded by love and the strength of the love" but these things just seem to plague him. I have apologised for all I've down wrong to him but resent him for carrying on if he was going to bring them up again 6 months later. I know I'm ranting now- apologies!

Kleptronic Sun 05-Jan-14 02:20:44

You're not ranting. Maybe he's not well, but that's no excuse to blame you and try to control you over it. Keep yourself safe x

Tonandfeather Sun 05-Jan-14 02:21:38

I'd stop giving him any airspace to keep going on about it. It must be very tedious and draining. Let the professionals take over, if he ever bothers to get himself there. Focus on you, your child and getting financial support for now. When he's more stable sort out contact and make sure you get a break.

Tikkamasala Sun 05-Jan-14 02:24:08

I would stay away, he sounds manipulative and I'm sure he will do this again as soon as something is not to his liking. You can't tred on eggshells waiting to see when he needs to lash out again to try to punish you for something eg a so called lack of support. Where was your support when he was having this tantrum?

Crazyoldlife Sun 05-Jan-14 02:25:45

Yes vvv draining as he will rant on And on and on and when I try to speak he will raise his voice/ ignore comments-
It's like he could go on for hours... I am
Lucky to have good friends and fam. I do love him and know its killing him that he won't be around baby alot but he just can't seem to move on from anything- things as trivial as not inviting him out on a night in the pub with a mate to more serious such as I drunk called an ex fling once.

Tonandfeather Sun 05-Jan-14 02:37:21

You love him?

So when you say you're living away from him, you don't mean you've ended the relationship?

Crazyoldlife Sun 05-Jan-14 02:40:41

Well he's 400 miles away so pretty much ended! But no I've not said it in so many words- I really dont want to but the more I think and discuss what's gone on the more awful It becomes.

thecatfromjapan Sun 05-Jan-14 02:53:15

In what sort of way do you love him? There are lots of different ways to love.

Personally, I think it is probably time to disengage. He's not going to be one for the long journey: he has far too much growing up to do, and seems to think that you are going to do that for him. which you can't, because you're going to have a baby to care for; you're not a mental health professional; and growing up is something we have to do as individuals, actively, rather than passively. It's a process, not a GCSE course.

Likewise, he is not a book, or a TV series, or a pet, but someone you were in a relationship as a potential life-partner and (now) father to a child. Life is full of stresses. The baby is going to bring major changes - lots of joy but also some serious work. Life also brings illness. Ask yourself this: if he buckles like this with your being pregnant, how is he going to cope with something like cancer? I'm serious. I've seen women put up with crap partners and then have to go through cancer treatment with the same crap partner being their "carer" and - this is properly scary - their advocate when they are not conscious. It's not good.

I'd recommend sending him in the direction of a GP, and thence to ADs and mental health professionals.

Yes, care for him by all means. It makes you human to care. But keep on caring from a good distance. I know you say you are 400 miles away, but make sure you get a good bit of mental distance too. Don't get sucked into the drama. Your out of it now - and that is good.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 05-Jan-14 08:45:36

The behaviour you're describing sounds like emotional bullying - manipulation, blame, guilt-tripping, rage, withdrawal of affection, threats, belittling your opinion - and a 400 mile distance is no barrier to someone determined to keep doing that. 'If I didn't love you so much I wouldn't have treated you so badly' is a very typical approach for emotional abusers. Your reaction of not trusting your own judgement, feeling responsible for his wellbeing, being frightened to say goodbye is very typical of victims.

If he has MH issues he should see medical professionals. You're not responsible for him but he is doing his damnedest to coerce you into believing you are. I would strongly recommend that you end the relationship properly and then go no contact for all but strictly essential communication to do with your child.

chateauferret Sun 05-Jan-14 11:46:00

So he abused you and it's "your fault" for notvlistening and making the poorr diddums feel scared? Arse.

kalidanger Sun 05-Jan-14 12:07:13

My abusive ex was like that. It's part of a script in that the majority of men like this behave in the same way and when it's all put together (from reading many threads here!) it seems like they've read a textbook on How To Be A Fuckwit.

Mine lost his job. I spent considerable time helping him get another one and he acted amazed and grateful that I was so competent and loving. Two weeks later he actually said "And you didn't once think of me when I was looking for a job!" It's bullshit, it's outright lies and it's designed to keep you off-balance and wondering if it's all your fault, if you're an awful, selfish person and if you should be apologising. You aren't, you shouldn't and you need to seriously think about having no contact with him as he's continuing to abuse you.

You're pregnant? Keep contact to emails only regarding the DC and nothing else.

kalidanger Sun 05-Jan-14 12:15:35

Another thing that I found extremely difficult to get my head around was the fact that he was a shit to me and often acted like he hated me. So why the fuck did he spend so much time and effort to stay together? To continue to engage? To try every trick in the book to keep me? He'd be so so sweet (to hoover me back) after being so so horrible. I was aware that it's a cycle of abuse (that's in the textbook too) but through a combination of my own issues (low self esteem but also a belief that I was a competent and powerful woman - it's also textbook that abusive men love a bit of a 'challenge') I thought I could 'handle it'. I couldn't, and I shouldn't have tried but eventually he became so unattractive that I could let him go. All the advice in here REALLY helped me to see the patterns of his crap and when there's a light shining on it it's easier to see.

I'm waffling now, sorry! Keep posting thanks

Crazyoldlife Sun 05-Jan-14 12:21:49

Yes very interesting. I am head strong and capable but I have found myself questionning many of my actions. What gets me the most is the constant " why did you lie to me that time six months ago?" and " If you loved me why did you do xyz?" it leaves me saying "I don't know" which in turn makes him feel better about hisself. He likes to say " if you loved me you wouldn't have done xyz to hurt me". But so many of the things he talks about are trivial normal relationship ups and downs. He tells me that I'm amazing but that thru my actions I've shown that I do not love him- which would be an excuse if he actually then left after the comment, he dosent he still sticks around....

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 05-Jan-14 12:30:49

He's what's known in psychiatric circles as 'a head fuck'. smile Confusing, contrary, self-absorbed psychobabble - depressingly common. The objective is to make a strong, capable woman doubt her own judgement and rather than saying 'on your bike' ask 'how can I ease your pain and make you happy?'

There are 400 miles between you. If you end it, stop talking to him & give your scrambled thoughts chance to straighten out without his constant interference I think you'll feel a lot lot better.

Tonandfeather Sun 05-Jan-14 12:35:30

Of course he sticks around. Not to do so would be to lose his whipping horse and he doesn't want that. He's getting a kick out of you even listening to this dreariness.

If you haven't ended this relationship I really think you should. I'm not sure what exactly is stopping you if he's 400 miles away and you don't want to be in a relationship with him any longer.

kalidanger Sun 05-Jan-14 12:36:46

Yes. If I'm so awful why don't you fuck off and leave me? confused

Flicking through the textbook... I'd say we're on the chapter about making you feel awful that you've been so consistently horrible to him. Any decent person would want to apologise and make amends. This is designed to get you back under his spell. Why he'd even want you, I couldn't say. Seeing as you're such a horrible person biscuit

How are things practically? Are you selling your house to split the money? Contact arrangements with DC? Any financial arrangements? Do you need to see a solicitor? I didn't have any of this with my ex (lucky) but I think I'd be making lists (because that's what we do because we're capable) and rigidly sticking to practical matters only. Talking about the relationship is only going to confuse things. Clearly. Don't engage

Tonandfeather Sun 05-Jan-14 12:39:17

As it's so obvious what the kick-back is for him in all this, I guess it begs the question what is in it for you? Does this validate you in some way?

kalidanger Sun 05-Jan-14 12:43:36

And another thing (! I could go on and on and on!) - what do you think he's doing while you're wasting your Sunday agonising about this? I can guarantee you once you've composed your reply to his accusations it'll be straight into the next thing. It probably always has been, right?

We don't want you to waste a day on him! thanks

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 05-Jan-14 12:45:36

Hi op the guy is an emotional leach, he is sucking you dry of what should be a happy time even if unplanned, this is going to be your life with him permanently if you stay with him or in any kind of meaningful contact. Nothing you do or say will ever be good enough neither now or in the future, there is no reasoning with a personality like his.

Somewhere in his background is the reason for all his ills but to be honest once you become a grown up he should be able to control himself and he can't. Give him a wide birth he will be like this with every woman he meets, he has not got the personal insight to see what is his stuff and what isn't. Everything will be your fault and he will move the goal posts to make sure it is. Please don't waste your life pandering to this type it is a hiding to no where he needs professional help, but he will never seek it out because nothing is a problem to him.

Good luck

pictish Sun 05-Jan-14 12:47:02

You are not responsible for his emotional wellbeing.
He clearly thinks differently, and fully expects that his feelings should be made top priority.
This is because he is an abusive twat. They're all like that.

I wouldn't bother with him. He'll bring you nothing but grief.

pictish Sun 05-Jan-14 12:50:14

Just read your most recent post.
He's textbook emotionally abusive.
Read up on it.
This man is no good for you. Do not prolong this relationship any further.

Viviennemary Sun 05-Jan-14 12:51:54

Of course it's up to you in the end. But it doesn't sound very promising to me. Only you know if this is a bad period he is going through with stress and that is the reason for his behaviour. Those arguements you describe are like a red flag. All this asking for explanations and going on and on and on is going to be very difficult for you now and in the future. If you are headstrong and capable do you need him in your life. Hope this doesn't sound too harsh.

Crazyoldlife Sun 05-Jan-14 12:53:29

We are in process of trying to get puta rental contract. Money wise- he just says to tell him what I need using csa calculator. So no real huge issues. I did use to get so much happiness but now I don't. Because I wont go back to
Our home he says I'm "shocking" and says "I've run away and taken his child and all the experiences that go with a new baby". Which is unreal really as he use to avoid any involvement in the flat before such as shopping to make it nice/ taking an interest in what bills needed paying etc.

kalidanger Sun 05-Jan-14 12:57:15

Yeah, the only time when I legitimately felt like the selfish scumbag he various claimed I am was when I wrote him off because he is broken. I'm not as nice and sweet (but I am decent) as I could be and I realised that, while it wasn't his fault exactly, he was wired wrong and didn't deserve to be in a relationship with anyone, me especially. So I threw him away and only feel pity because he'll only ever be happy at someone else's expense.

<waffle> I think maybe I need to write all this down for myself somewhere else so I'm not monopolising this thread wine

kalidanger Sun 05-Jan-14 13:00:24

Fuck him, he's shocking angry

See how he's just talking complete crap? You've got to stop listening to it.

Are you going to? thanks

I hope you can act on all the good advice you have been given here. He sounds like an emotional leach. Use your physical and emotional energy for yourself and your baby.
Hopefully you will soon be enjoying your pregnancy (even though it was a surprise) and your new life away from this emotional bully.

Crazyoldlife Tue 07-Jan-14 01:52:05

Thank you for the advice. He has arranged a
Gift for me today. He continues to say that I'm terrible for moving away and for not giving "our family" another shot. I'm not sure what to think really. Staying away is hard but I must be strong for baby. He is genuinely sorry for his ea over past few months but does continue to say things such as " youve made your decision about me" and " youve split this family"

Tonandfeather Tue 07-Jan-14 01:56:04

What are you getting out of this continued engagement with him? You're getting advice to disengage and you're not doing that.

Crazyoldlife Tue 07-Jan-14 01:59:27

You are right, I just think that I need to find the strength to
Use the advice as wise as it is.

Tonandfeather Tue 07-Jan-14 02:06:54

work out what you're getting from this and you'll be halfway there.

He isn't "sorry for his emotional abuse". He's still doing it and you're still taking it.

livingzuid Tue 07-Jan-14 06:17:22

I had serious MH issues and I dealt with them/am dealing with them because to not do so would tear my little family apart and make things impossible for my DH. If he truly cared he would be addressing that now so he can be in as fit a state as possible for when the baby arrives. Instead he is taking no responsibility and pushing everything onto you. If he refuses to help himself then you simply can't be stuck caring for a baby and caring for him as well. What nasty manipulative behaviour on his part. Do you want dc exposed to that? 400 miles isn't far enough! Hope you get it resolved sounds like you are doing all the right things.

summermovedon Tue 07-Jan-14 06:59:37

You are not responsible for him or his feelings, and he sounds awful. You were pregnant and needing support so he behaves badly and then turns it all around to him and his needs. You are better off far away from him, as people do not change and he will be no support for you in bringing up your child.

Toecheese Tue 07-Jan-14 07:02:49

He needs to deal with his MH issues first.

You need to put your child's needs for a safe, steady and happy environment first.

Toecheese Tue 07-Jan-14 07:04:04

Also what is he doing to support you emotionally through your tricky time? You are very vulnerable being pregnant and giving birth.

pictish Tue 07-Jan-14 07:28:10

He is not 'genuinely sorry' about his emotional abuse.
He's still doing it.

Judge a person not by what they say, but by what they do.

Meerka Tue 07-Jan-14 10:43:51

oh for gods sake what an arse he is. Where's his support for you?

He then started to self harm/ threaten suicide due to feeling overwhelmed by the pregnancy.

Blaming you? telling you how terrible are? where's his -genuine- sense of responsibility? Giving gifts .. somehow I bet they come with strings.

Nope, this isn't you, it's him and he's being a shit.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 07-Jan-14 14:11:36

Cogito 's description sums it up perfectly. It is, beginning-middle-and end, a world class mindfuck. It is orchestrated and sustained by choice. He could just as easily choose to compliment your hair, your bravery, and the bright future your baby will have, yes?

Imho, (and experience), the foundation is based on control. As a mom (and this applies even before the birth), your attention will rightly be on your baby. From what you have posted, crazyoldlife, he seems to be doing/saying anything to keep your attention on him. This is who he is and from the severity of abuse he is dealing out to you, I would not be betting (or even hoping) that he could/would change...in the sense of evolving into a mature responsible adult. Imho, this pattern of behavior may be determined by his personality type, which, (again, just my opinion) will not change.

Crazyoldlife, he is shaming you (from your Tues-01:52:05 post). The future of your mental health, as well as just about every aspect of your baby's life is at stake here. You have nothing to be ashamed of...AND you can choose how much shame you feel...that is not for someone else to assign to you. Same for guilt.

Please trust the advice on setting the necessary boundaries for essential communication regarding his child...and promptly ending any communication session that strays off the topic of the baby.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! thanks

ChippingInWadesIn Tue 07-Jan-14 14:17:53

<<hug>>

This is very very hard when you are pregnant sad

Don't go back. It would be a huge mistake for so many reasons I can't even begin to list them. Basic summary though is that he's a manipulative man child who will make your life hell sad

Start fresh with your baby, in a new place and do not buy into his pathetic attempts to make you go back so he can abuse you further - just don't.

Crazyoldlife Tue 07-Jan-14 19:47:18

Thanks guys for the moral support- means a lot. It's so hard not to push for something that you want so much but as much as I try I know I'm going to have to find my happy ever after somewhere else. Im looking forward to nice times with baby and since Im a long way away from partner I'm sure things can only get better. Thanks again

Meerka Tue 07-Jan-14 20:42:49

best of luck, crazy, maybe you have difficult times ahead but they would have been more difficult and unhappy with someone who is not a friend and a true partner.

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