Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Please help. Dd been assaulted.(212 Posts)
My DD is 14, one of her friends called me today to say she was worried about DD, that she'd self harmed and I needed to speak to her.
So the story turns out to be - she went to a 17yr old boys flat when she was on her way to a friends house 2 days ago. It seems this boy has been asking her repeatedly to go around there (trying to get her to tell me she was staying at a friends and go there for the night - which she wouldn't).
While she was there he was physically violent towards her, took photographs of her (crying and partially clothed) then threatened to post them online unless she performed a sex act on him. DD was scared, crying and saying she didn't want to.
He deleted the pictures afterwards (she thinks all of them).
He also text her after he let her leave saying 'don't tell anyone' and that he was 'just joking' (I assume about the threat to post pictures).
DD is obviously very upset (she had scratched her arm with something - no real physical injury, 2nd time she's ever tried self harming, 1st time was a couple of years ago).
She thinks she's partially responsible (shouldn't have gone there, should have stopped him). I've tried to reassure her she's in absolutely no way responsible no matter what she did and that there's nothing she could have done.
What do I do now? I feel sick and tearful. I want to support DD the best I can - I've asked her to consider reporting it, she's not sure she wants to. I really want her to but I don't want to pressure her.
I don't even know what help I want here. I guess just some advice on how to support her, what might happen if she reports it, do I encourage her to or not?
The police will be able to recover the pictures from his phone. That would be my first port of call. If he's done this it may not be his first time, if it is, then it may not be his last.
Seriously, you're posting here. Where is your daughter now?
Phone the police!
Jesus! She's a baby! I'd do the reporting on her behalf. At 14 she can't be mature enough to work out how this will affect her in the short, medium or long term.
And the 17 yr old needs to face the consequences. She may not be the first to be assaulted by him, and if his shitty behaviour is not nipped in the bud she's unlikely to be the last.
So sorry to hear this has happened to your dd. I hope she's feeling a bit better.
I do think you need to consider reporting it. Are you sure he's deleted all the photos? He needs to be spoken to by the police now, before he does something much worse to another girl.
Can you persuade her that she'd be helping to stop it happening again to someone else?
Give her the biggest possible hug then call the police for her.
If you let this go, if you give her the message (by not reporting) that she's in some way responsible and if you let him get away with it, she won't be thanking you in years to come.
At 14 do you need her permission to report it?
It might be easier on her if she feels the responsibility is out of her hands.
She is 14 years old. You are the parent. You need to report the assault on your child. I would also be taking her to the GP or practice nurse for them to have a chat with her with you out of the room because there may well be things she could do with talking about that she doesn't want to tell you about.
This has to be a Police incident ,SAP.
Call the police. You'll be doing him a favour as well in the long run.
He needs to know this is serious, abusive and dangerous behaviour.
Your daughter needs to know that it's not in any way normal, acceptable or her fault.
She's too young to be given entire responsibility for this decision. Time is of the essence. If he still has the photos a visit from the police can prevent them ever ending up on the Internet and I think you need to teach her to be brave and report things like this rather than hide them through misplaced shame.
She is a child. You need to phone the police now.
Yes, it should be reported but the OP's daughter is 14 years old, its a big scary thing making reports to the police, giving statements etc, this boy is part of her social circle and she will be worried about how it will affect her friendships so lets back down a little bit, ok? The OP and her daughter will report it if they decide its the right thing for them to do. Poor girl's been through so much already.
I am so sorry, mandatory
Maybe call Rape crisis before you go to the police? She may find it less intimidated and they may be able to convince her to go to the police.
For support, contact Childline or another self help group that can provide help, support and advice.
I would also report the lad. If he has been physically violent to your dd, plus asking for sex acts, then he can do it to someone else. By keeping it quiet, then these acts get unpunished and are able to continue.
Well done to your daughter in able to confide in you.
There's no 'if' in this situation. A child has been assaulted by an adult. There is no 'if it's right to report it'. It is essential that it is reported both to protect this child and to ensure the adult's behaviour does not escalate.
He tried to get her to perform a sex act on him against her will? Isn't that attempted rape?
This has to be reported to the police.
Convince her that the best thing to do is to report him, that you will support her all the way. She needs to know now that nobody can take advantage of her without her being able to do something about it.
I would encourage her to report it. You can tell her the police will let her go at her own speed and she won't be forced into doing anything until she is ready. If she has the clothes she wore bag them up as there may be forensic evidence.
Also, if action is not taken now you leave her open to further abuse - she's an easy target who won't complain.
I was abused and assaulted at this age.
I didn't tell anyone.
I wish I had, I also wish someone grown up had taken the decision away from me and reported it.
I'm now not only suffering the effects of the abuse but haunted with guilt that I didn't report him and he could still be doing it.
You know your DD best but I'm just saying, when I was that age I wish someone had taken the decision for me.
Report to the police. No question whatsoever, you have a legal obligation as your child has been physically and sexually assaulted and blackmailed. In addition, the police are amazing at supporting a young person through the questioning process and accessing emotional support for as long as she needs it as the victim of a crime.
If he did get her to perform the sex act by threats then that is rape, I really think your dd and you need to take this to the police, he is a sex offender and as others have said the police may be able to retrieve the evidence. Your poor Dd and you, so sorry she has to cope with this.
Please contact the police immediately, I was attacked as a child by another older child. A decision not to involve the police was made on my behalf due to my age. This older child proceeded to make life a misery for years boasting of what he had done. This was before the era of the internet and it took me 10 years to stop feeling afraid of this boy and it was only when I confronted him that I took away his power. Please act on your child's behalf and before it becomes an internet story locally. So sorry this happened to your daughter
It is really important to report.
She needs this to happen to protect her from the photos which probably aren't deleted and to confirm the illegality of his behaviour.It is also possible that the process will show he has done this before or that she is yet to tell you everything that happened.
Reporting also protects her from subsequent abuse from this teenager- you might be surprised how often the aggressor persists in giving attention until it is reciprocated by immature and vulnerable victims. Reporting interrupts this cycle from starting.
It is great that she is talking to you, hope you have people to talk to yoo
I really am not going to say anything against you, I think you have had a horrible experience in learning of this, and others saying anything against you isn't fair.
When I was 8 my parents used to care for a 14 year old boy when his single parent dad went away on business. He assaulted me. I told my parents, they removed him from the situation but it was my word against his and we never took it further. I do not blame my parents for that decision, but I do now wish I had gone to the police about it. Be supportive of your DD, keep on reassuring her she has done nothing wrong, she did nothing wrong going to his house - she will be feeling huge guilt over that. Tell her how much you love her and how nothing has changed. I would then talk to the police, you don't have to tell her you are going to do so, but you could explain to them her fear of coming forward. They can then offer advice on what to do.
I really feel for you OP. And for your DD.
I would encourage her to report it, but if she wont don't force her, i dont think you can report it for her if she wont surely she will just deny it? Does this boy go to her school? if so you really need to speak to the school as well, I can see why she doesn't want to report it. I Know at 17 he is technically an adult, but could you go and talk to his parents?
She's 14, I don't think it's appropriate to let her make the choice about reporting it or not.
I'd see it as my ultimate decision as the adult responsible for her wellbeing and unless she was strongly opposed to reporting it I would report.
It's too much responsibility to give a young girl after an imprisonment/assault like this, deciding whether it should be reported or not.
I think it needs a strong message that we report crimes and we don't tolerate sexual abuse. If you don't report it it may feed into her worry that she is to blame.
What everyone else has said. When you've done that at some point I think I would speak to the Mother of the girl who rang you and let her know what her DD did. It must have been hard for her to ring you , she did really and she might need a little support as well.
Op, I am so so sorry this has happened. Your poor DD (and you). Could you sit down with her why it is so very, very important that she (or you) report it to the police. I totally understand why you don't want to do it without her buy-in when she has already been violated. It is best for her, and for him, that this gets sorted out before this goes further. She needs to know why someone cannot get away with sexually assaulting her and think that's okay. I hope you talk her round.
Mandatory I am so sorry that your daughter has had to go through this, I'm sure your support and love will help her work through it in her own time.
I'm sure that you are desperate for her to report what has happened to the police and I agree with you, this will need to be reported.
However, your daughter will be scared that she will be blamed for what happened and scared of the consequences in her social circle.
Maybe encourage her to invite her closest friends round so that she can have a chat with them about what has happened. This will allow her to see what has happened more clearly and have the re-assurance that her friends are behind her 100%.
The quicker this is reported the better obviously but your daughter may take a little while to come round, is there a contact at the local police who could support you through this. They do need to be aware of what has happened even if your daughter does not feel up to an official report just yet.
Well of course you have to report it.
She is a child and not old enough to make the decision.
That's a good idea of Jaquenline's - can you ask her friend who called you to come round and be with her too when you/ she calls the police? She might find comfort with a friend supporting her too.
I am so sorry.
I'm another one saying report.
That youth belongs on the sex offenders' register at the very least.
I absolutely agree it should be reported and I would do so in a heartbeat if DD agreed. If she doesn't agree then it's more difficult.
I don't think forcing her to speak to the police right this second is a good idea, she's already distressed.
She's in her bedroom right now, talking to her best friend on the phone, she's safe and knows I'm here for her.
She's a child but she is old enough to at least be given time to think things over before anyone makes a decision.
If she says she doesn't want to speak to the police what do I do? Even if I call them she can refuse to give a statement. I hope she'll agree to it once she's had chance to think but I'm worried about pressuring her - I don't think that's what she needs.
I have the number for rape crisis and will call when the helpline is open. I've told DD that I think it's important she speak to someone professional - be that via rape crisis or via the GP but again I cant force her to talk .
Report it to the police.This animal will do it again if he isn't stopped!
Your poor dd. Sending you all massive hugs and your daughter the strength to report this.
Could you show her this thread, and all the people offering support and advice? At the moment she must feel so scared and alone and might benefit from seeing the army of women who are on her side.
At the very least, even if she doesn't want to get involved I think the police need to know about this from you. It may be another piece of a bigger picture- he either has form or will have in the future and you can help stop this.
I'm so sorry for you and your dd. Could you call 101 and discuss with the police how they might take a statement off your dd-it might help her to know the process? I have no idea if they can do anything before speaking to your dd or if you reporting it as an attack on your child means some action could be taken?
The man needs stopping, but I understand you want to protect your dd and maintain her trust.
Mandatory you are her parent. She is your child. There is no choice involved. You need to be the strong, responsible one. Deep breath, do it now.
You have to speak to the police. Ask them for help. They have trained officers who can help you all.
I can see why the op isn't straight on the phone to the police. Her dd has been violated. The last thing she needs is to feel her mum not listening to what she wants. Reporting it before her dd is ready could do more harm than good.
You have to tell the police, you have to protect her as a parent.
I'm sure she won't walk to talk to them but you have to keep reassuring her that this isn't her fault and he may well do it to someone else. If she talks to the police then they can stop him doing it again.
What a horrible thing to have happened. Your poor DD.
Please ring the police on 101 and report it. They will want to take a statement from her at some point, but it won't be 'right this second'. You can tell them you don't want her to give a statement until you think she is ready.
Also, the sooner the police know about the crime, the sooner they can question the young man and get his phone off him.
And I agree, phoning rape crisis is a good idea.
I think that's true with adult victims. However, the dynamics of the situation are different with children.
Parents have a duty of care legally for their children. Children are entitled to expect that duty of care to be exercised as much as teenagers should be allowed a great degree of autonomy and yes, it's a balancing act.
I'm aware I don't know the dd in question and can only go off me at 14 but I wouldn't have been capable of making this decision at 14.
At 11 my parents, together with the school decided not to take my disclosure of peer group sexual abuse any further and from then on it was swept under the carpet. It didn't stop it and it made me feel to blame/disbelieved.
She is a child, you as the parent need to show her what the right thing to do is... that is reporting this sick little shit to the police!
Something very similar happened to me, Offred (though I was 15). It's a child protection issue and it has taken years to come to some sort of peace re: the sheer resentment and anger I had towards the adults who were supposed to have protected me.
I feel really strongly than this boy must be stopped. Goodness knows how many other young girls will be abused like this.
Where are you based? Would it be possible to visit a Rape crisis centre?
I am so sorry this happened to your daughter. I was date raped when a teenager and wish I had the guts to report it.
I agree that you should be guided at this moment in time by what your daughter wants otherwise you risk being seen as another person making her do things against her will.
Yes this person needs to be apprehended but your gut instincts to not pile pressure upon your daughter are the correct ones.
Try to keep anything that might help evidence wise and work with her over the coming hours/days towards reporting it.
Child line, Victimsupport and the Rape Crisis Centre are there for you to talk with too.
I wish you all the best.
You have to report this to the police. Your dd cannot be forced to talk to them, or to press charges if she does so (although they may press charges without her testimony if they find enough evidence).
Rape crisis is a very good idea. Right now your dd is probably wishing and trying to forget this ever happened but she won't be able to. She will need help to deal with it.
Your poor girl. Please report it - he may do worse to your daughter or someone else's in the future. He needs stopping now.
I am sorry but you need to make the decision on her behalf and contact the police.
What happens if he hasn't deleted all of those photographs? If the police are involved they can take his phone and check. Without that you have no idea where those photos can end up.
Please, please report. She is probably thinking that for her this is over, and that by not contacting the police that she doesn't have to re-live it, but sadly with those photos it may not be over.
I'd contact one of the support services mentioned OP before you call the Police (if you do).
They can help you work with your daughter and help you both cope.
Getting this in place before you act is useful.
Being pressurised to call the police is not good and not how support services will work. They will understand your position on not pushing your daughter and not being another person appearing to disregard her wishes.
Give her a pen, paper and an envelope. Ask her to write down everything she can remember as it happened. Any small detail, just get it all down. Fold it up and seal it in the envelope. Tell her you will not read it unless she wants you to. Give her any space she needs
It will serve several purposes, she has an outlet, and if she goes to the police it might be easier than talking as well as details not being forgotten.
Very sorry she is going through this. Very difficult situation. I think you should gently point out that the police can check that he has deleted everything?
A friend of mine had similar with her dd and an older boy a few yrs ago. Her dd was reluctant but by my friend going to the police they were able to recover the deleted stuff from the mobile phone which meant he incriminated himself.
Might be worth going down this road. Seriously if he is allowed to get away with this he WILL do it again and sadly he may target your dd.
You must report this.
The best argument you can give to your daughter in favour of reporting the incident to police is that it will protect other people from similar (although likely worse!) incidents in the future.
If you don't report it, it will happen again, to someone else.
You both may find it very hard, but it's the best thing you can do, given the circumstances.
Stress to her that this was not in any way her fault, that he is solely to blame for assaulting her. She has done nothing wrong. As for reporting, well that's entirely up to her, but if this had been my dd I'd try to persuade her to report after speaking to Rape Crisis or Womens Aid.
I am really sorry that this has happened to your daughter and I believe that you are right in your instinct that the most important thing is to reassure her that she is in no way to blame.
My daughter was sexually assaulted by a boy at about the same age and she made the decision to report it (with my support). It was a very traumatic experience for us all (the decision to report, not just the assault, that goes without saying) so I can understand why you are not rushing to do so. However once we did report it the Police were fantastic, she was dealt with by specially trained officers and was never once made to feel that she was at fault in any way. They clearly understood her fears and concerns and she got lots of support (including a referral to CAMHS).
Had she been adamant about not reporting it I'm not sure what I would have done but her incident wasn't as serious as yours sounds and I think that would be a definite factor in any decision I would make about taking it out of her hands.
It's unlikely she's the only victim, or the first.
At the moment she may feel stupid, or as if she caused it, or some other self blaming but entirely false emotion, which may make her reluctant to contact police.
So do call the police, because she is a minor, and your dd. If it makes you feel more comfortable, think of it as reporting something you've witnessed. You don't need the victim's permission to report a crime.
The police will know how to act.
To the poster who wrote this:
'Seriously, you're posting here. Where is your daughter now?' and to ANYONE else who has implied OP is or has behaved 'wrongly, I would very politely ask you to STFU. Unless you as a DM have been in that precise position, you will have no clue of the chaos and conflicting thoughts (IE 'I want to protect my DD/my DD doesn't want to report it', vs 'But I can't not do anything' etc etc ETC). Truly, trust me, unless you have been in those PRECISE shoes, do NOT comment on the OP but restrain your comments to the advice/guidance she is seeking at a time of shock and stress and trauma.
Mandatory Firstly, I am so so sorry that this has happened to your daughter; likewise for what you are now going through. It - ALL of it, the feelings, the knoweldge, the emotions, the tough choices - are things I would not wish on my worst enemy, but I do, unfortunately, know them only too well.
For what it's worth, here is my advice.
1: I'm not certain from your OP, but if she was forced to commit a sex act on him then please try and gather together the clothes (all of them) she was wearing at the time as they may have evidence on them;
2: You are ALREADY doing the singular most vital thing, which is both instantly believing your daughter and allowing the trust she has in you to ensure she is speaking freely to you.
3: It is is equally vital that she KNOWS she is being LISTENED to in HER choices; but it is equally (although sadly 'opposingly') vital that this IS reported to the Police and the sooner the better.
4: Would second those who have said ring Rape Crisis or similar for advice, but you'll need to have a conversation with her explaining that 1 in 3 females will suffer some kind of sexual abuse/attack; that she is NOT 'alone' (nor ANY of the other things that victims of SA crimes often feel); that even if she feels she cannot press charges* it IS vital that she at least speaks to police in order to protect his next victim (and there will be one; sexual predators only increase their behaviour, never 'decrease' it; and there is absolutely no way that this was some kind of normal teenager behaviour that 'got out of hand' or whatever it is he would say vis it).
5: Explain to her that you, as her Mum but also as an adult who HAS to be aware of other victims too (it may well be the latter BTW which enables her to feel differently regarding reporting it), have a duty to report it to the police both for her and that next victim; and that that is what you have to do, but you will do it in a way that as best possible meets what she FEELS right now as HER immediate needs/concerns (as those are borne from immediacy; shock; her worry re social circle etc, as ALL of those are 'normal' and 'valid' feelings right now but will likely change - ESP. the social circle one, as it is his shame not hers and the Police will ensure that THAT is reinforced to her in as gentle a way as possible.
6: As best as can, try and 'split' the two things. IE that it is YOU who is doing the 'reporting', but it is her who both needs that to happen for herself and for others. If she has a younger (10-12) relation or friend you can think of, one route is to ask her what she would want you to do if it was THAT person. Empathy is often the thing that can break down the natural wall of fears she has right now.
7: Explain to her the * above, which is that she CAN speak to the police now but will NOT be forced to press charges (but also please know yourself that she is MUCH more likely to be comfortable with the latter once she has been supported by the Sapphire police officers). Very lastly, explain to her that it is possible - even likely - that this creature ALREADY has some form; that the police may already be aware of him; that he may have already abused one or more other girls. That if that is the case, they may not have been able to secure a conviction yet, but that her speaking to them might well be the thing that changes that.
8: Empowering her as much as possible is vital right now, and then so is counselling etc., but you CAN find a way of making clear to her that the 'reporting' really IS your ONLY choice of action but whilst simaltaneously NOT inadvertantly exacerbating the internal feelings of powerlessness that follow an assault.
9. I know a 10 year old who who was raped, and after the pretty classic MO of escalating offences and relying on the fear of 'telling' had worked. Help her understand that whilst you recognise her pain and fear, she has the power to act; power that will itself than help her long-term recovery from this, AND power to prevent him from escalating whilst shielded from Police attention.
I'm so so sorry for 'bullett' style of above, and if any typos or 'wrong' words but am typing at pace as I'm desperate for you to be able to retrieve her clothing if that is still possible, and likewise to offer as much guidance as can from what I know.
Sending you and DD loving hugs, and just the hugest of strength.
X-posted with some other great advice.
You are not alone Mandatory - please remember to get care for yourself and take care of yourself too (I forgot that in prev post as was typing so quickly).
I think it's really important that the police have the best chance to recover evidence from his phone so you need to contact the police. You should be able to explain that your DD isn't willing/able to talk to them in detail yet but you can tell them what you know, her friend can also tell them more as well. It should be enough to warrant them speaking to the 17 yr old, and checking his phone/recovering the deleted photos.
Maybe vicarinatutu could come and post with advice on what the police could do with your report/her friend's information without your DD's statement while she's trying to deal with what's happened. Her friend might well have been told by your DD that she didn't want her telling you, but she did, and it's for the best that she did.
Ok, I had a chat with DD. She does just sort of want to forget about it - I guess minimizing what's happened is part of that and being scared about the process / results of reporting it.
She's also scared she'll be blamed or not taken seriously - I have reassured her repeatedly (and will continue to) that it's in no way her fault and that it is serious.
I've explained to her how important it is to speak to the police - to protect others if nothing else, she's aware of this but I don't think she can process it right now.
I'm going to call rape crisis and discuss what will happen before I phone the police because I need to be able to reassure DD about what will happen and I'd like to know what would happen if she refuses to give a statement.
The pictures (while they concern me) are not top of my worries - it's been 2 days so I don't think a few hours more while DD thinks things through will make much difference.
Please don't think I don't understand the seriousness of this - I know the police need to know. I just have to do this in the way that does as little further harm to my DD as possible.
No, I'm sorry, but at 14 YOU report it.
She needs to see you take the responsibility for this from her shoulders. It is bigger than teen friendship group concerns, and she needs to see that in action.
As for him, do him a favour too and every woman he comes into contact with by making damn sure he gets stopped at attempted rape and assault, rather than going on to ruin someone's life.
Thinking in these terms is beyond your daughter's capabilities at 14- which is as it should be. Protect your child.
Sorry slight cross post there. Very glad it's moving forward OP.
I would agree completely with amgrowing, with everything she has said.
I would also like to add that I have been in her shoes and it has taken me years, if not decades to come to terms with it and find some peace. I did try to tell the police but things were different back then and it wasn't dealt with really.
Maybe mine might have been better if i had told my mum but decided not to trouble her and cause family upset. Hindsight is a powerful thing but I know she would have supported me and the end result would be different. As it was he went on to commit more and more.
Your daughter needs lots of hugs and support and someone to lead the way and help her through.
Lots of love to you both.
You sound like a lovely Mum Mongoose
I'm so sorry your dd has had such a horrible experience.
Like you I'd want to support my dd first and foremost.
That doesn't mean I disagree with anyone else though.
Haven't read all the messages, only the OP, but in case no one else has mentioned it... Just because he deleted the photos on his phone doesn't mean they are gone. My iPhone backs up all my photos straight away to the cloud. They could still be very easily accessible.
I would report it, she's 14, you don't want her looking back and thinking that you didn't report it because you thought it really was her fault.
I lt like your daughter in wanting to forget it but now I know that it is not that simple and reporting it and getting justice is a better way forward.
Sorry I'm x-posting and not being very eloquent. My heads a bit all over the place.
Thank you for your thoughts and advice.
Sometimes in life you have to do something your child doesn't want you to do for the benefit of the child. This in one of those times.
She is 14 years old and can not possibly understand the hugeness of what she has gone through. I am not going to be so crass as to ask what she did but even if she did nothing he demanded she has been in a position where she needs protecting.
He needs a shock. He can not do this to a child.
Minimising what she has gone through WILL NOT make this easier to get over, in fact ime it will make it harder to deal with.
You are failing in your duty as a parent in all honesty if you do not report this. You need to do so now.
Speaking to rape crisis is a good idea but have some faith in the Police. They are not going to bully her into making a complaint if she really doesn't want to. However they do have specially trained officers who will be very gentle and non judgemental with her. Your poor daughter.
Please don't put it on her to do this to protect others. That is huge pressure and quite frankly SHE is more important to you than strangers and that should be your reasoning.
You are doing just fine. My DD was physically assaulted by my Ex. I do understand some of the emotions that you are feeling. For me there was the urgency of reporting because of the bruises she had. But the police and social workers involved were brilliant with her. She was initially scared to talk to anyone but they talked her through what would happen in an age appropriate manner. Hugs to your little girl.
mandatory I think you are doing REALLY well given the horrible circumstances.
I understand why you are asking for help here and I also totally understand why you are not rushing to call the police.
Talking to your DD and asking her what she wants to do is, IMO, the exact right thing to do. You are listening to her and that is so important.
I do think this needs to be reported and I hope that you can find a way to support your DD to accept this. It may be that you have to report without her explicit consent but at least she will know that you have listened to her and understand her reasons for not wanting to.
I think the worst thing to be done is calling the POLICE NOW!!!!!!! the way some posters have said and going over your DD's head without consideration for her feelings.
Yes she is a child but she is not a baby.
I also agree that telling her that 'she' has the power to stop him doing this to another girl is not the way to go. It won't help and its irrelevant. This is about her, not anyone else.
You sound like a fantastic mother and I think its amazing that you have stayed calm and not gone screaming down the phone to the police.
I really hope you two can find the best way to deal with this.
Of course your DD isn't going to want to report it - she has been through the most horrendous experience and she is scared but as the adult you should take it out of her hands and report it to the police. You are the adult and she is still a child without the maturity to make this kind of decision. IMO it has to be your call on this not your DD. It may seem hard to go against the decision she is making at the moment but you sound like a lovely mum who is supporting her brilliantly.
I'm so sorry (and quite raging for your daughter).
I really hope she sees the light and sees that reporting it is incredibly important that she reports it and that you have her full support and she will be ok.
Thank you - I'm not calm but am trying my best to stay together for DD. Me screaming and crying wouldn't help.
I've spoken to rape crisis, they've given me some numbers to call and advised I make her an appointment with the SARC. They couldn't tell me about what will happen if I report but she refuses to give a statement, so have suggested I speak to one of the police advocacy services.
They advised that I talk it through with DD about what she wants to happen but to try and give her as much control as I can (while understanding that I retain final responsibility for her and can report it without her consent).
DD has fallen asleep.
The advocacy people are closed right now (as is SARC) so I will speak to them tomorrow / Monday when they are open.
I'm going to speak to DD again in the morning. Then try and work out what to do next.
Fwiw I think it's important to remind DD about the risk to others because it helps her see how wrong it was in a way she won't apply to herself. I won't use it to blackmail her into anything though.
For reporting it to be really effective she needs to be at least willing to speak to someone (I think?) so I need to help her get to that point if possible. If it's not possible I'll report it anyway but I need to give her chance first.
I know some of you think I should be calling the police right this second but I don't believe that's best for my daughter.
OP you asked for opinions and I hope it has given you some clarity which way you want to go with it.
I want to add something that I don't think has been brought up yet. On Monday school returns and with the best effort and best intentions these things tend to get out. If a member of staff learns of this they may well inform the local police CP team regardless of your opinions.
OP, you are being wonderful. I wish I had a mum like you. Talk to some professionals and take it from there. There is no urgency right this minute. Your daughter may change her mind several times over the next 24 hours wrt reporting. Keep communicating.
Thank you forum. That's a fair point and I hadn't even considered it. She's back on Tuesday. Guess it's one more thing to consider .
You know the situation and your DD best. Plus you have had some sound advice from rape crisis and now you have a plan of action. We can give opinions but doesn't mean they're right for your situation. I'm glad you have had RL support.
Fwiw I think it's important to remind DD about the risk to others because it helps her see how wrong it was in a way she won't apply to herself. I won't use it to blackmail her into anything though.
The 17 year old also presents an ongoing risk to your daughter. Reporting this assault is important in case he makes future approaches to her.
By the way, I wish my mother had been as supportive and caring as you. You sound like you are doing an excellent job of supporting her.
I am so sorry for your daughter. I do agree it needs to be reported for all the reasons already given.
equally regarding school you will need to tell them. they will notice your daughter is different and speak to her to see she is ok. they will contact police as its a child protection issue. if they have a counsellor maybe they will be of great help in terms of helping her report it to the police. teaching staff will be in on Monday. I would advise contacting them then.
I do hope your daughter and you are ok.
Listen to your daughter. If she really doesn't want this reported then you shouldn't force her - there might be serious repercussions she is scared of and at 14 yes she is a child but she has a certain level of sense and autonomy.
V sorry this has happened to your DD and to you OP.
I don't know if this aspect has been mentioned as I haven't read the entire thread, but one thing to consider is that if this boy brags to anyone (I don't know if he's at school with her, or if he knows others that she's at school with) - his narrative will be out there in their peer group. It may be an untruthful and unpleasant spin on what happened, for example, he may claim she 'willingly performed a sex act', and a consequence of that may be for peers to paint her as 'a slaaag'.
Current teenage peer psychology is vicious, misogynist, judgemental & extremely naïve.
If she has not been to the police, there will be no proof on her side that his version is not true. If she has been to the police, that will help counter malicious interpretations.
He may say nothing of course, and I sincerely hope he does not. But I have come across teenage girls who have been unjustly vilified at school in very similar circumstances.
OP. I am a Child Protection SW and i see cases like your DD's regularly. It is up to you and your DD whether or not you report this. However, you don't say what the sex act is but if it was oral sex then that is counted as rape by the police. Please do not underestimate the effect this may have on your DD.
If you report this then your DD will be interviewed by specialist SW and police CP workers. She would be treated with the utmost respect and allowed to give her account of what happened in her own words. If you have the clothes she was wearing these would be taken for possible forensic evidence.
The male in question is an adult and your DD is still a child. She will never be made to feel she was at fault. She is the victim.
I would urge you to consider reporting sooner rather than later. As the parent i think you owe this to your DD.
MandatoryMongoose, you are doing brilliantly.
You are right, risk to others is a very powerful argument. Yes, the incident is about your DD (and less so about future potential victims from your family's point of view), but in your DD's eyes right now reporting to police isn't going to make things better for her. The long term benefits of reporting are very hard to see, but the process is scary and stressful right now.
Reporting as a way to protect other people brings a sense of urgency. You can mention a younger friend she knows like AmGrowingAnAwesomeTree suggested, i.e.: 'How would you feel if in a month's time you'd found out that GirlXYZ is assaulted by the same person and you could have prevented it?'
By reporting it your DD will know that she'd done what she needed to do, that she'd done her best, that she is a strong person able to cope with anything. Be mindful that the more time passes since the time of the incident, the harder it becomes for the victim to report it. So, giving her time to process her feelings is not doing you any favours tbh.
If your DD doesn't agree to report the incident, it's the right thing to do to report it anyway. She may well hate you for doing so (although judging by your posts hopefully not), but you're a parent first and foremost, and that sometimes means making decisions that are not fully understood by your child.
(Based on personal experience of being sexually abused as a child).
I'm so sorry this happened.
I think she needs to know too (if she doesn't already) that the police she'd speak too won't bat an eyelid, in that they will have heard much, much worse. They won't be shocked, they won't judge her, they will have heard it all before - a bit like a doctor has seen thousands of vaginas. They will help her through talking about it.
OP. This has to be reported. I know of a man serving a long sentence for several rapes that he committed as an adult....he had tried to assault several girls when he was a teen and it wasn't reported.
On a second note, you're the parent and she is the minor and under your authority. Her consent isn't required in my opinion.
I know that right now she wants to forget but she won't be able to and unless she sorts it out this will colour her relationships with men for life. Whether she talks to the police or not she does need someone professional to help her untangle this. Sadly I speak from experience and being a victim at a younger age puts her at an increased risk from sexual predators and abusive relationships later in life. She needs to know that this wasn't okay and reporting will help make that point.
Reading your OP again, it sounds like he has been grooming her.
Please please report him. For your daughter's sake, and for everyone else's daughter's sake.
unless she sorts it out this will colour her relationships with men for life
So true. Hard to see for a child, but so very real.
Please also remember that your daughter has told you that he took photos - it IS most likely that he has kept them and it is possible that they could find their way online. The only way to stop this is to report it. The potential damage to your daughter of these images being put online is unthinkable. Horrible as it must feel, the only way to guarantee that this won't happen IS to involve the police.
I am sorry to add to the pressure on you to report this but as others have said, this attack has all the hallmarks of a dangerous and calculated act which is why I think he WILL have kept the photos. It is only the police who would be able to stop any images being circulated.
The OP has said what she plans to do and has talked of 'when I call the police' not if (in a subsequent post). She has also made her decision with the full knowledge of how her daughter is now.
Keeping on telling her she needs to report! report now! isn't going to help I feel. Maybe what is needed now is advice re how to cope, some words of support and reassurance from people who have experienced this or have professional knowledge of it.
I don't mean to sound prescriptive but the OP has told us all what she is doing for the immediate moment and we need to listen to her.
OP - you are doing a really good job. I wish I'd had a Mother like you. Mine called me a liar and I was a similar age.
The issue with the photos is not just that they could end up online, but that they could end up going round the whole school...
The problem in the internet age is that the devastating consequences of this type of sexual assault are not limited to the act itself, but also the consequences of it being circulated... & social repercussions...
really sorry to hear about your dd. I think you should report it, to avoid anyone else's dd going through the same. He sounds scary.
my god that's horrendous, I agree report to the police.
I assume she knows his name etc,
Is she having any counselling?.
Glenshee I'm so sorry that you were abused as a child, and I agree with you that Mandatory really IS doing brilliantly.
I do though just need to clarify something that you posted ascribing it to me, and to do so really clearly, as it is a pretty vital matter vis speaking to the police; DD's regaining of her own power and also of her recovery in the longer term.
'Reporting as a way to protect other people brings a sense of urgency. You can mention a younger friend she knows like AmGrowingAnAwesomeTree suggested, ^i.e.: 'How would you feel if in a month's time you'd found out that GirlXYZ is assaulted by the same person and you could have prevented it?'
I need to be really clear that _that wasn't what I wrote,) or what I think is the right emphasis AT ALL IME.
What I flagged as a route to HELP DD was: 'If she has a younger (10-12) relation or friend you can think of, one route is to ask her "what she would want you to do if it was THAT person." Empathy is often the thing that can break down the natural wall of fears she has right now.'
I would never, under ANY circumstances, suggest or advise the application of 'pressure' in that way; likewise that if DD really CANNOT speak right now, then that she would in some way be 'to blame' for if
WHEN this creature strikes again. That way, only madness and yet further trauma would lie ahead.
I would invoke the protection of herself and of others solely as a way of overtly removing the power from this sexual predator (as 17 or 70, that IS what he is) and re-empowering DD, whilst at the same time it ALSO being a 'tool' to help enable her to break down the (horribly understandable) 'wall' she will have around this right now and aid her - and yes, others too - vis speaking to the police.
Hope that is clear, as the difference between the two - for DD and all other victims of SA - is immense and thus pretty critical. One is yet futher head-messing and guilt inducing [and whilst she will have both of those in spades already right now as welll as a whole heap of things ] and the other is the polar opposite; is about her seeing she DOES have 'power'; that HE is the one where shame sits; that her actions could/would help others.
Appreciate the difference may seem simply one of nuance, but it's really really not. Hence why kinda vital that I needed to clarify WHAT it was I had advised.
Mandatory you and DD have remained in my thoughts all evening; please remember to take care of youself and likewise, please also remember the 1:3 statistic, as that knowledge is - IME - vastly helpful to those feeling lost and overwhelmed in the aftermath of an assault.
Best AM Xxxx
PS Hope above is clear, am falling asleep over keyboard but had to try and post again and esp. after saw the mistaken post re me/my advice in earlier post,
OP I agree with the poster who said that making your DD feel responsible for protecting other girls may be too much pressure and not the best approach right now. I think it's important however that she understands that there's no 'just forgetting about' this. If he sent any of the pictures to just one person they could be all around the school by now (not trying to sound dramatic but I've seen it happen).
If she keeps quiet and he's the one telling others about it (and potentially saying that she was the one who led him on to protect himself) it could only get worse for her. While forgetting about it may seem like the best option it could backfire for her. Putting things in context may help her make the decision to report it.
AmGrowingAnAwesomeTree - sorry I misinterpreted your advice, and thanks for clarifying. I agree that what you originally meant, and what you further explained here, is a more sensitive and helpful route than what I suggested.
Yes, going to the police is hard. I know because I did it - reporting somebody in my social group. The fallout was horrible and it lost me most of my friends. However, ultimately it was worth it because he stopped harassing me and never did it to anyone else. I will NEVER regret getting the police involved. Please do it for your DD's sake.
This absolutely needs to be reported, please do not send the message to your DD that it is acceptable for this fucking foul excuse for a human being to get away with what he has done to her.
Poor, poor girl, I have a young DD & your post has fucking enraged me.
Please please please do not report this without DDs consent. Its an ordeal for a child to go through and so is the investigative process - believe me I know exactly what it is.
Contact your local SARC and seek support from them - they will be able to speak to her and assist her and gather any necessary forensic evidence.
They will have 24 hour helpline. X
these people can help support you they are lovely.
Please be careful about making sweeping statements about what reporting can achieve - it's not the achieve all panacea some posters here seem to think.
Hopefully DD herself will come to the decision to report - the NSPCC also have a helpline and they are very good as well
OD, I'm so sorry for your DD! I would consider reporting because I'd want to sure the photos have been deleted. All parents also need to be aware of what their DC are putting online. There are so many stories about photos being spread. Two of the worst that I am aware are these horrific stories in Canada: Rethaeh Parsons and Amanda Todd.
My DD was sexually assaulted in school a few years ago when she was 15, the boy was in class with her when he asked if she could go to another room and help him find a file he had lost. She followed him into the room, which was out of sight of other classmates and the teacher. He then grabbed her and tried to kiss her, when she refused he touched her body in a sexual way.
I only found out a few days later when her friend had told a teacher and I was called into the school, I went to the police and he was arrested, she gave a video statement and the police were amazing. It got round school and loads of people didn’t believe her, only her very close friends did and supported her throughout.
It went to court and right up until we were about to walk into the court room he was saying it was lies, he then admitted it and she didn’t have to give evidence. It gave her closure, people in school were forced to believe her and she was able to move on.
I would suggest that you report the crime, police will seize any evidence and this may implicate him without her needing to ‘give evidence’ other than the video interview (which I wasn’t allowed to sit in on, so my DD could be honest without me sitting there). I know your first concern is that of your daughter, but it could turn out he has done this before with other girls, again evidence maybe on his phone, which will help prosecute him.
Oh my goodness, your poor DD!
Not sure if anyone has said this yet but, I am very impressed with her friend that called you. Clearly she has some wonderful friends, which no doubt will be a huge support to her going forward.
You mentioned that she has self harmed before, my only question is: Are you concerned what she might do / react, if this 'information' was to get outside of her support / friend group. I'm not suggesting for one moment that your DD might do anything silly but...she is due to return to school on Tuesday, theoretically everyone could know by Thursday. Even if it's not confirmed by anyone, the gossip could be just as damaging for your DD. As a pp said, if a member of staff or parents hears of it and reports it, it might cause extra stress to you all.
I agree that he needs to be reported and I agree your DD must be willing to do this.
You are doing brilliantly, hope you have been able to get some sleep.
My daughter was assaulted last year in a completely random attack.She was equally reluctant to talk to the police for a number of reasons, early on I suspect she was in shock and then she just wanted to feel safe and move forwards by forgetting about it.I spoke to the police and they were fantastically sympathic.Her response (and your daughters) is very common however as Greenkit mentioned by reporting it, having it investigated and not taking on any blame enabled her to get some power back.It went to court and the run up was highly stressful however he took a guilty plea the day before so thankfully my daughter didn't have to face him.
Please be aware that she maybe in shock and this will take time.I would encourage you to report it to the police but I totally understand her feelings for not wanting it reported.She wants it to go away, she wants for it to have never happened and she wants to feel safe.Having the police on her side helped my daughter to feel safer and she felt believed.After the trial we learnt the man had previous convictions and had been asking for help.The outcome of the trial was that he was convicted and had to have mental health assessments.
I am so sorry this happened to your lovely daughter.It is an enormous shock, I felt I had failed to protect my daughter and would have given anything to take on the burden but with counselling she has come through it really well and whilst it was a horrible time she has been able to move forwards.
I agree reporting without consent not ideal though may yet prove necessary and getting support from RCC a good idea.
I think too that as she's self-harmed in the past and in relation to this that it will be very important to look at some longstanding therapy.
Both my sister and I were raped as teens because we were very vulnerable to grooming due to untreated mental health issues. Unfortunately it's not unusual for psychologically vulnerable women to be at risk. I went home with someone knowing I felt unsafe about it because I felt I 'had' to or would be judged by my friends. I walked into a situation I knew was not right, I even knew that he had put a bet on being able to sleep with me though I didn't want to. I just didn't know how to get out of the situation and when it all kicked off I certainly didn't have any skills to assertively refuse and just cried my way through my very unnrcessarily violent first time.
I told my friends and they all thought it was normal. Even my father said when I got older I'd realise that sex was like this for many women!
I ccouldn't really verbalize what had happened so I think mainly they assumed I'd had sex and regretted it rather than the reality which was he put me sleeping on the couch when I'd said nothing was going to happen and came back when I was asleep and I woke up to find him
pinning me down with his hand over my mouth the whole time and basically being extremely loud and aggressive, it was very very rough and I can still hear it in my memory.
Thankfully as first year uni I also had another friend who supported me to get help from RCC. I never reported it but it's only in adulthood I have accepted it was rape... even going to rape support group and individual therapy back then I felt like a fraud and that really I had consented by going to his house.
I don't think if it had been reported for me I could have spoken about the facts as they were. I still don't say it out loud.
I think it's important also to avoid sweeping rhetoric about how awful it is and long-term damage. Sexual assault is traumatic but it is not imo more traumatic than other scary or violent things except in so far as it is made an object of shame. There is still far too much bullshit about it being something you'll suffer from for years/never get over etc... a legacy of a myth of being damaged goods.
It's an event, it doesn't have to shape your sexual identity or affect any future relationships if you can be supported to see it as an event and not about who you are. Even at 14.
The most worrying aspect for me for your dd is that she self-harmed because to me that means she's already got into some too-well worn groove of shame about herself which in the end, believe me, is far more dangerous than the heinous actions of this boy.
Thanks for sharing your experiences working - I think that's a very helpful perspective. I'm sorry for what happened.
What a wonderful friend your daughter has. I am guessing that your daughter gave her permission for her friend to call and tell you ...it was a way of telling you without her having to do it herself. In my experience if a teen tells you something it is usually because they want you to take control and do something about it. Please call the police.
I am currently working with a male who groomed and sexually assaulted a 14 yr old (when he was 18) - he served time. It will be taken seriously.
Thank you to everyone for taking the time to comment. I'm so sorry that some of you have had to go through similarly awful situations .
DD has several very good friends and although I don't think she gave express permission for me to be contacted I assume she knew it might happen. She was worried about telling me because she knew she shouldn't have gone to this boys house (that I wouldn't have allowed her had she asked). Which is obviously nothing in the greater scheme of things but I guess she was scared of being blamed in some way.
I feel like shit today - constant nausea and very tearful (in private). I spent a lot of last night going over and over in my head if it's my fault somehow. She's my baby and I'm supposed to protect her from things like this . I think my initial reaction yesterday was 'what do I do to help DD' without really processing what has happened myself. Somewhere around 3am it hit me like a train.
Anyway - DD got up last night and sat up with me for a couple of hours. I didn't broach the subject of the police because I'd told her I'd let her think about it. I did ask her a couple of gentle questions about if she was worried about school or the possibility the photos might still exist. She's not concerned about it (though I still am). Mostly I just sat cuddled on the sofa with her and watched crap tv.
She was still asleep when I checked in on her half an hour ago (teen weekend sleep pattern remains normal) so I'm just waiting for her to wake up properly and then we'll have to talk about calling the police today.
As far as the self-harm goes, the 1st time she did it was a couple of years ago as I said. It was because she was in trouble with me and annoyed with herself for how she'd behaved (think she'd told me some lie about something and been grounded). Some of her school friends were self harming and I think she was just experimenting to see if it made her feel better (and partly to demonstrate her sorrow to me). It was incredibly superficial scratches and I took her to have a chat with the GP to see if there was maybe some deeper worry she was reacting to but there didn't seem to be anything and there's been nothing since then that would suggest any extra vulnerability.
I think that she tried it again in an attempt to deal with a situation totally beyond anything she's experienced before is concerning but doesn't mean an awful lot. She needs (I think) to talk through what has happened with a professional anyway so I'm sure that alternative coping strategys would be part of that process.
Apologies for long rambly posts. It helps me get things straight in my head to write them here.
What a lovely and loving mother you are
Re the photos being deleted. Whenever I take a photo on my phone it automatically gets put into my dropbox account. And even if I delete it on my phone its still on dropbox and therefore recoverable. My photos also get uploaded to facebook via a private link so others cant see them pretty much as soon as I've taken them via wifi or 3g. My bets are he still has the photos.
Mandatory do your best to try to decentre from thoughts of fault and blame. These are thoughts, and it is natural and understandable that you will be feeling sadness about this event.
One of the biggest problems with rape and sexual assault is all the stories that are told about it. I've read threads on here where anything that happens like this is automatically taken to be a doorway to huge adult mental health issues, but more and more, there is a growing realisation that it's not these things happening that cause issues as terrible as they may be but the meanings about self that attach to them..
I'm so stupid
I should've known better
I liked him, what sort of idiot likes someone who would do this
I must have wanted it to happen really
This stuff always happens to me
No one will want me now
Everyone will believe him and think I am a slang
I am a slag
And so on...
In the same way, watch what stories you are telling yourself about this too.
I should've protected her
I should've taught her better to protect herself
I need to make this better
I need to stop her pain
I can't bear this pain
Of course everyone tells themselves different stories but at a time of crisis where possible try and let them arise and pass through. They're normal mental experiences, every mind comes up with reasons and explanations for why bad stuff has happened to them. We evolved this way, in part to protect ourselves from anything like this happening again.
In so far as you can (being gentle to yourself about how your mind works, all minds do this) try to stay in the present. Mind your daughter, little acts of care that you have between you e.g. my mum always gave me ice cream, tickled my arm. Let her be as she is and let her feel and say what she feels yet from the strongest place inside you communicate that these feelings will pass, this won't define her or her life, one day it will feel different and make sense in a different way. Sometimes the only way to do this though is just to accept where she is at with it right now without words.. It's not about telling her this, it's about finding inside you a settled place where YOU believe this is just something awful that has happened with no long term consequences for who she is as a person.
We don't expect the essence of who people are to be permanently altered or damaged by other events in their lives including very great losses and change so this should be no different. It's just tricky when you're so young and when the culture has such a lot of story built up about events like this.
The self-harm thing may well be a susceptibility to demonstrating distress in a way she's seen among friends, a sort of cry for help, but it worries me because it's part of her behavioural repertoire so to speak and I would hate to think she would use this as a means of emotional release now this has happened. This is sadly how self-harm sort of takes root and spirals so at the moment I would really encourage self-care, watching nice movies or listening to her favourite music, hot baths with nice smellies, favourite foods. It's crucial that she is not self-punishing at this time and anything you can do to encourage healthy self-soothing will be very helpful.. communicating that when you've had a trauma you need to be gentle and kind to yourself while you recover from the shock.
This ^ is why I love mumsnet.
and Mandatory you are dealing really well with a horrible situation. You are caring for dd in the present (sofa cuddles and crap tv sound ideal) you are seeking RL and MN support, you have a plan of action for the future. Please feel free to post and ramble on here as much as you like, if you find it helpful.
Thinking of you and your dd today, MM
She's my baby and I'm supposed to protect her from things like this
You have not done anything wrong. The job of a mother is not just to protect your offspring from harm, but also to help them to deal with the harm that you can't protect them from. You did your best, but unfortunately this guy got through the net.
This situation is sadly a common occurrence for teenage girls these days, and your daughter is very lucky to have a mother who she can talk to about it.
You are having a horrible time.
I do hope you will call the police and take control of this.
I fully understand how your DD wants to minimise it.
Have it even crossed your mind to contact these boys' families?
I think it is a police matter but my instinct as a parent and my DH's as dad- would be to let the parents know what has happened in their home.
Fortunately I was never in your DDs situation but when I was around 10 a boy at school exposed himself to me as a kind of 'joke' in the classroom. I told my mum as I knew he'd done something wrong- and my mum got her coat on and went straight to see his family.
I'm just going to endorse what everyone else has said which is that although your DD wants to hush this up, for her sake and others you really need to act without her permission.
Just a query- is this boy is 17, how is he able to live in a flat- is he alone of with parents? At 17 he would be unlikely to be able to live independently or receive enough benefits for that.
so where was his family at the time?
Nothing to add, except to say that you are in my thoughts today, and I hope you are all okay.
Well we've called the police although DD still isn't very positive about speaking to them.
They'll be around this afternoon at some point.
It's a relief to hear that. I hope it goes well and that your daughter is reassured it's the right thing to do and that she sleeps a bit easier tonight.
I'm another who is worried about what might be said at school next week. Is there somebody with pastoral or child protection responsibility? I don't think that it's a good idea for the school to be in the dark if anything kicks off.
Well done! Hope that it goes well and I'm sure you've done the right thing.
Thinking about you all.
I think your DD is very brave, she must be so scared. However by tonight she'll be feeling better hopefully.
Gosh what a time for you all. Maybe a couple of extra days of school?
Another one thinking of you and DD today, I hope the meeting goes as well as it can and DD copes ok.
Police .. I hope your dd is ok .
Re 17year old in own flat . I know people who had flats at 17 , they were childrens home kids who were set up in council flat by social work when they left the home .
Thinking of your DD and you.
As an aside, Jaffa I work with 16-24 year olds who live independently, in self-contained flats. Some moved in pretty much straight after finishing secondary school. I think all of them receive some sort of benefit (including HB and Income Support for those at college) so I don't understand why you think a 17 year old couldn't live away from parents and receive benefits? It's certainly possible!
Fliss as as aside to the a side- I didn't say it was impossible for a 17 yr old to live independently, just that it was becoming less likely- there are many regulations about children ( minors under 18) living alone away from their parents and to receive housing benefit you have to fulfil a lot of criteria- HB is not available for 16-18 yr olds who don't want to live with their parents- they need to have some history of social care etc, ( fostering, children's homes)or to have been employed , renting and then become unable to continue to rent.I know this too because of my work.
OP I hope it works out for you all and your DD is ok.
Mandatory, sending you & your DD lots of love. Hope she has the strength to talk.
I went through something v similar at the same age. I didn't tell anyone. It still haunts me now.
Hope that you and your DD are ok. It sounds to me like you are handling this really well, for what it's worth. However sad your DD is right now, I am sure she will feel supported and loved with your care.
Well done Mandatory.
At the very least that animal will think twice before he attacks anybody again.
3 hours later and the police just left. The officer was very nice but it was all very draining going through everything.
DD seems ok and is talking to her friends (and plotting to eat an entire box of donuts).
I am a bit devastated over stupid things - they took her clothes, her favourite jumper which she got for Christmas. I can't afford to buy her another - it's so minor but it's making me want to cry. I've donated her my phone for a while because they've taken hers.
I don't think she wants me to tell anyone (family) about what's happened but I wish I could talk to my mum right now - though at the same time I wouldn't want my Mum to feel like I do.
God it's shit that this has happened.
oh gosh I wish I knew what to say to help. but god, you must be so so drained and exhausted in every way possible. well done for doing something so very difficult. you are both very brave.
I am so very glad you called the Police. It is out of your hands now and you need to let the process happen. Your DD will get her belongings back eventually.
DD probably feels better for having spoken out instead of keeping it all inside.
I hope you and DD have a restful evening.
Well done OP. You and your DD have been very brave.
Best Wishes to you both.
Well done. A virtual hug to you and your DD.
Well done for calling the police. This will be a hard time but long term you've done everything you can to safeguard dd and help her with this upsetting situation.
Oh it all sounds so dreadful for you. Ihope that you can find someone in real life that you can confide in. I understand why you wouldn't wan too burden your dm and have to be careful about confidentiality whoever you can share it with. If dd is feeling ok can you follow her lead and realise that she is all that matters and if she is coping then thats all you need to think about?xx
PM me your details, & new Christmas Jumper will get to your daughter.
Well done. You've done the right thing.
flatbellyfella beat me to it. Let me know FBF if you can't get the jumper.
You have done the right thing. Stay strong.
I just want to say you are an amazing mum MandatoryMongoose and your daughter is a lucky young woman. I wish you all the best and hope this young man gets his just desserts.
Quite happy to chip in for the cost of a new jumper for DD.
Well done OP and OP's DD for doing the right thing..
Only just seen this thread. Another one offering jumper help.
You sound like a truly amazing mother and have clearly raised a remarkable daughter.
Oh no! So kind of you to offer but we'll cope (she does own other jumpers) I was just using it as an example of me being ridiculous. DD is slightly sad about it - I think much less so than I am. I guess it just demonstrates how useless I feel - I can't even fix her
overpriced jumper having gone - so how can I start to fix anything else, anything important?
I think DD is doing ok and I'm pleased about that, I'm not going to fall apart on her behalf, I'm just venting here.
Really thank you all for being here .
Well done for getting through it. You are a fantastic mum & getting so much good advice & support on here. Until you're ready to talk to someome IRL please keep posting. Sorry I don't have any advice to better add to what's been said. Just keep loving her & stay strong. X
Just a thought, maybe she wouldn't want a replacement jumper - it may have unwanted memories?x
You might get the jumper back though of course she might be able to wear it for a while.
Might NOT be able....
Mandatory you are doing really well, as is your daughter. You're both very strong.
This happened to my best friend. She was 14, I was 15. She felt the exact way about it as your daughter did, but unfortunately she didn't have a fabulous mother like you so I took it on my shoulders to support her.
It will take time, but she'll get through it as will you. There may be tears, there'll be anger, but there will be resolution.
We're all here for you
and I ++ the christmas jumper offer, lovely posters if she needs anything let us know!
Maybe we can chip in and get her another jumper but not the same one?
I've followed your thread from the start but have no advice but just wanted you to know you sound like a truly lovely mum
You are doing so well, MM. Your DD's and your own thoughts/feelings will be all over the place for a while. This is only to be expected, so please don't feel ridiculous, because it's ok to feel whatever you feel. Hope you can both find some support.
Thinking of you both
I was attacked age 15, I managed to get away although petrified. We reported it as we knew the boys (4 of them) I declined to press charges as I wasn't a virgin and I didn't want that to come out in court. The boys concerned all admitted it, one ring leader the others just got carried away in the moment. Afaik they got a caution and slapped wrists.
I took up self defence and body building classes straight afterwards, I vowed never to allow myself to be vulnerable like that again.
You are handling it really well, just be a pair of ears if she needs it.
Dd the police offer counselling ?
Mandatory you are already giving her everything she needs! Your love and attention and support.... you believe her.... The jumper really does not matter. The important things are free, and you are offering those in spades. You're a wonderful mum, really you are. It is hard, but that is because you care so much for her, and it shows. She has to feel that, and it is what will get you both through this.
A very wise pp said you help her cope with what you cannot protect her from. You can't prevent everything; there's a whole big world out there. But you are showing her how she will survive and even flourish.
I'm so glad you called police.
You are both doing brilliantly
Top Shop jumper was it ?
Superdry AF (it was a lovely jumper but just a jumper all the same)
Police called round - we had to go drive by to point out the place he lives. It was really scary and a bit surreal (to me), DD coped with it pretty well. I offered her a hug when we got home but she refused .
He will be arrested as soon as possible.
+1 for a jumper and donuts too! Just pm me x
Keep strong. You both have to do this because you don't want the bastard thinking he is entitled to do this again to your daughter or worse. He's will try it on and squirm his way out so be prepared for that. Be prepared how much his mother will stick up for him and call your daughter xyz. Its maternal instinct. I hope this doesn't happen but be prepared.
My 3yr old DC and her teen uncle.....reported to the police and the uncle's mother did all she could to blame me and move the blame to anyone and everyone else other than her son.
You will both be ok. Just take it one day at a time.
Well done to you and your daughter Mandatory. It can't have been easy, but it is great the police are taking action so swiftly. In itself the serious manner in which they are handling this should help your daughter to gain perspective about her awful experience longer term - he has perpetrated a criminal act against her & she is not to blame. How does she seem? I have no doubt the support she's getting from you and friends is a big help, even if that doesn't immediately seem to be so.
I was reading your thread earlier, when I was on the train, so posting was a bit difficult.
What a horrible thing to happen to your DD and I can't imagine how you must feel. I think you've handled the situation brilliantly.
And I'm really pleased that they are going to arrest him.
So happy to read the updates. By going forward in reporting this, she has taken her power back. Well done.
Being a mum to a teenager isn't about protecting them from all risk. It's about having the guts to let them make slowly incremental risks so they learn how to be adult, and then picking up the pieces if the choices are unlucky - which this was. She could never have expected anything this horrible, breaking rules or not. You sound a brilliant mum, and your DD sounds a lovely and brave girl.
Wishing you and your daughter well, I hope you both get all the support you need and deserve. What you are going through is everyone's worst nightmare.
Is her father involved yet? My dds are teens, if this happened to any of ours their df would be unrestrainable.
If she didn't want a hug that could be the trauma taking hold, rather than her being upset with you. She may not want anyone touching her for a while.
Pleased you felt able to ring the police, you and your daughter are so brave. Re the hugs, you want to reasure her, I guess she wants to forget..Just be there for her when she needs you
Well done to both of you - you've probably still got a long hard way to go, but she has done the right, very brave thing.
Not sure how much help it will be at the moment but I posted up thread about my daughter being a victim of a sexual assault at that age and she came through it fine. She is now a lovely young woman (unbiased mother speaking) with her own kids and no visible hang-ups about blokes (except for her father, but that's another story )
I'd chip in for a jumper too.
Really pleased to hear she and you have been so brave. I hope it will help your daughter heal. Thinking of her and you, you're brilliant
I think your DD and you have been very brave and have done the right thing.
You will get through it.
It is shit. What happened, the jumper, everything. But you are dealing with it, and you will both come out strong.
Sorry if I missed it, but has she been offered counselling?
We've been in to give a video statement / evidence or whatever so I'm glad that's done. DD cried on the way there because she didn't want to have to go through it again but she seemed ok afterwards.
We had a really good chat on the way back about how she's feeling and what she wants to happen next. She basically just wants things to be as normal as possible and to not think about it. I've given her lots of reassurance that her feelings are totally understandable and we talked about the fact that this is just something that's happened - it doesn't define her as a person.
We've spoken to school and they've been really good, they're going to get her a pass so if she needs a few minutes to herself at any point she can leave her lessons.
Police have offered a referral for counseling but right now DD doesn't want to - it's an open offer though so she knows she can change her mind at any point.
So we now just have to wait and see what happens. The police will let us know if / when the boy is charged / bailed. Any court proceedings will be some time in the future so we can try and put that aside for now.
I am very tired and am going to try and have a quiet afternoon.
Thanks again for all your thoughts and support, also for the lovely and thoughtful PM's I've been sent - I'm sorry if I haven't replied to anyone, it's been a bit hectic.
You've handled this very well so far MandatoryMongoose.
You are an amazing mum, and your daughter is a credit to you. I'm glad today is behind you, don't ever doubt you've done the right thing. Hope DD is ok, sounds like she has plenty support around
I'm amazing by you daughter courage and your strength!
Hope you have a quite peace event free afternoon!
Your last few posts have made me cry (you have shown such strenght - your daughter will be fine, she has you as a mum !!
OP you are such an amazing person/mother. I think at 14 I would have wanted the whole thing to disappear and not go to the police but it was absolutely the right thing to do and your dear daughter will appreciate that. She will also appreciate the unconditional support you are giving to her right now which is, above all things, the greatest gift you could give to her. Wishing you both strength in the days to come.
You are amazing and your daughter is amazing.
I hope your daughter is doing OK today Mongoose.
You are doing everything that you can.
Unsurprisingly but still sad and frustratingly the boy has denied anything happened. Apparently DD popped round, watched TV for half an hour and left. He claims to have a witness but refused to give the witnesses details.
He's been bailed (conditional of no contact with DD or any child).
DD is ok, a bit upset that he's lying but she understands why. So we just have to wait and see what happens now with the investigation over the next few months.
I think we're going to try and put the official side of things aside and concentrate on DDs emotional health.
I think that whatever happens in the end we've done the right thing and hopefully the thing that will eventually be most beneficial for DD.
I'd really like to say thank you again (I know I keep saying it!) the kind words and advice on this thread has really helped me to hold things together over the past couple of days and so in turn has helped support DD through things.
Keep your fingers crossed for us that I can come back to this thread in the future to report a conviction - I know conviction rates are very low in these sorts of cases, so I'm not pinning any hopes on it but it would be very positive if it happens.
for you and for me this evening.
I think it cannot be a big surprise to anyone that he denies it all.
Even if you don't get that conviction, you have still done the right thing, IMO
The point is that, even if this charge doesn't stick, your daughter was 'heard', knows she was not to blame & the police now have information about this lad. Any attempts to harrass your daughter can refer back to the incident. Any future charges/allegations against him (likely with such calculating & predatory behaviour) will be framed in the context of this earlier incident. Your daughter has taken positive action here to safeguard herself and others & he's now on their radar. This is all good. Your daughter is fab, and so are you.
Not surprised he's denying it, he may have been advised by lawyers to deny it anyway. There may well be other s who come out the woodwork... I can't believe this was a one off
Also, even if no conviction... hopefully this will frighten him off doing anything else
I just wanted to add my support. You sound like the most amazing mum and your daughter is so brave
Of course the little fuck wit is lying! What a shit.
Agree with pp he's on their radar now. Those things have a habit of coming out in the wash. Now he's being investigated, fingers crossed it will be all picked up on.
Glad your DD is being so positive. She has done the right thing.
Please support her and help her report this, if not you must do it on her behalf as she is still a child. Speak to a female officer and find out which police office has a specialist rape unit which will be set up to help. She will need help to get over this, and at this age it is so important it is dealt with well as the consequences will stay with her and may affect sensible adult decisions later in life. l am so sorry for you both, a very horrible thing to have happened.
sorry, my computer was playing up and l didn't get all the posts. Well done to you for helping your daughter sort this out. she will be able to go forward from this. You did the right thing.
Have they got his phone? Can they retrieve the pictures?
When my dn (also 14) was assaulted (by ex-SIL new partner) it took a long time for everything to happen. He was questioned and bailed too, but they eventually got their day in court but unfortunately a not proven verdict (Scotland). Whole thing took a year (he couldn't be found for a while).
Dn didn't want anyone else in the family to know either, but it was a weight off her shoulders when they were eventually told and they could help support both her and her mum too. If you can encourage her to tell her gran/your mum, the more she sees she is getting support and not blamed hopefully the less guilty she'll feel. And you'll get some much needed support too.
Your poor Dd give her a hug and call the police and rape crisis
They will be able to support you both through this
So sorry you are going through this
Hi Mandatory, I can't imagine what you've been through. Remember that she doesn't have to wait for official counselling to happen (could take ages) there are many organisations out there such as Rape Crisis. Don't forget the children's organisations as well, after all she is legally a child and was groomed for this precisely because she is young and vulnerable.
It is no surprise at all that he is lying. The police may be able to get him to admit to it eventually, but I doubt it.
Hopefully, they will find evidence, on his phone for example.
In any case, he will know that she didn't cow for embarrassment and has fought back. If it comes out, maybe even other girls he has attacked will feel the strength to complain. Or it may deter him from doing it again.
In any case, take care of yourselves and keep an eye on her. As someone said, counselling may be necessary before the normal channels.
Did they say they will retrieve the photos from his phone? That would be enough to prove he is lying!
Hope all is well at school tomorrow. Lots of hugs for you x
Mandatory, you are a great Mum, and your DD has done so well.
I'd also pitch in for a jumper, or a new different one if she'd rather not have the memories.
What a little bastard.
Nothing can be permanently deleted - police have the resources to retrieve all deleted data on mobiles with the exception of blackberry's.
Fingers crossed he doesn't have a bb
Hope you can concentrate on your lovely dd and not whether he lies or not.xx
So sorry to read what you and DD have been through. And how brave and strong to report it to the police.
I just wanted to mention the counselling point. It's all to easy when faced with abuse to try and normalise what happened and bury it deep down. I 100% understand her reluctance to talk about it again but it is only through talking with an experienced professional in a safe environment that it won't haunt her.
You may not wish to get her there straight away but if possible do try and ensure she speaks to someone at some point or it cold have long-term implications. She has suffered a severe trauma and can manifest in ways that won't be helpful to her in the long run.
Apologies for sounding like a doom lord so soon after what you have been through and you have coped amazingly well.
Following on from livingzuid's advice on counselling, perhaps your daughter would be happier to talk to someone online - Childline have a good system set up.
The website has a lot of information that is appropriate for her age.
OP just wanted to add my voice to all the others who are commending you for your strength and fabulous mummy skills!
In the months/years to come, your dd will be so glad that the whole nasty event was not buried and hidden but addressed and confronted. She will know that she was believed and taken seriously and that will mean the world to her. It will give her strength and help her see that she did not have to just accept abuse. She will know and remember that you, as well as the police etc believed her and fought for her. That is really important.
I really hope she is able to get some peace of mind and that you are too. keep us all posted.xx
First hurdle jumped, keep strong the truth will out x
You're an amazing mum. I feel very strongly that your DD will get through this with such a lovely mum by her side. She also sounds very mature and she is very brave too. x
You have done so well and been so supportive for your DD. I hope things go well for you both but there will be sad days, angry days and just can't be ars*d days. Just remembered he is the only one to blame for all this!!
Oh Mandatory, I'm so sorry, my heart goes out to you and your daughter. You are both being so strong.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.