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Would you tell your abusive ex-Hs new partner about his history?

(44 Posts)
ivegotaniphone Fri 03-Jan-14 23:07:41

He has thrown himself into new relationship. She has three children and seems from twitter quite sensible, well educated etc, but has launched into relationship statuses on Facebook after only a couple of months. Has was EA since I had DS, progressed to a bit of physical stuff in last few years. He is in army and their welfare service reported him to SS, although no action was taken as I was about to move out by then. Feel I should tell her. Or should I but out?

ChelseaBun Fri 03-Jan-14 23:22:48

There was a lady on the Womens' Aid forum who found herself in the dock for telling her ex's employers about his DV. So I'd tread very carefully here for your own safety.

If she were able to see the army's welfare service reports on him, that might give her some insight into his character but I don't know how you'd go about it.

If you speak to her directly, you do realise he will paint you as the ex from hell who wants him back, don't you?

It's a difficult one but do you know any of his army colleagues who might be able to help? And do you think her children are at risk from him?

FloraSpreadableMacDonald Fri 03-Jan-14 23:23:15

I would not mention it myself otherwise it looks ike youre interfering. Is there a friend who could let it slip to her? Could you even mention your concern to your HV, especially if SS were involved.
You should concentrate on making a lucky escape. Good luck.

morethanpotatoprints Fri 03-Jan-14 23:25:51

I know of a few who haven't.
Not sure if this helps, sorry

HissyNewYear Fri 03-Jan-14 23:30:36

Could you call 101 for advice, or WA? Ask about clare's law and if the SS thing ought to trigger police disclosure, as sh has dc?

BillyBanter Fri 03-Jan-14 23:33:06

Well you could tell SS, as a follow up to the army's report to them?

You could tell her and say you don't expect her to believe you and you know that he will paint a different picture if she brings it up to him but at least if you've told her maybe when the red flags start waving she will be quick to recognise them.

Or if there is a mutual friend they might be able to talk to her about his past.

It's very unlikely she will pay attention either way. I expect he's being lovely just now.

StupidMistakes Fri 03-Jan-14 23:33:33

If you divorced him the divorce petition is public property so if you put the abuse on the divorce as I did anyone including his new partner can access that.

LyndaCartersBigPants Fri 03-Jan-14 23:34:49

As hard as it is to keep out of it, sadly it's not your place to police his love life any more.

Hopefully she's a sensible lady and will stand her ground. Without shared DCs it's easier to walk away from a relationship that doesn't make you happy, so hopefully if he shows his true colours she will have the strength and independence to LTB.

Or perhaps he has realised that his behaviour is unacceptable as it lost him the relationship he had with you? <hopeful/naive>

Fwiw I don't think a few months is necessarily "launching" into anything, I thought you were going to say a few days! If you're concerned about her, be nice and approachable when you meet her and then she'll feel able to speak to you if anything crops up.

tiamariaxxx Fri 03-Jan-14 23:37:31

Id stay out of it, obviously you want to look out for her but tbh it will only make you look like the bitter ex stirring.

bragmatic Fri 03-Jan-14 23:39:40

If she was going to be seeing my children, I'd make it my business to know her. If asked, I'd tell the truth.

Twinklestein Sat 04-Jan-14 00:43:16

I dunno, on the one hand it's none of your business, on the other a friend of my mother's almost died after being beaten up by her husband, whom all his friends knew had tried to kill his first wife (but didn't tell her).

I would go out of my way to make sure she had that information, but accept she may not believe it, and also that most people on here will tell you not to.

CaptChaos Sat 04-Jan-14 05:06:35

You could, I suppose, call AWS and let them know that he has a new partner who has children. If they were concerned enough about your situation to go to SS about it, they may well either go through that route, or through his CoC with regard to this new partner. They may also do nothing, they aren't married, and therefore the Army has no duty of care to his new partner.

Personally, I would keep out of it with regard to letting her know yourself. He has almost certainly painted you as an utter bastard, and anything you say will be disregarded. You might want to do it indirectly, but, unless there are red flags waving, she probably won't believe it.

dobedobedo Sat 04-Jan-14 06:39:19

My abusive ex's ex warned me about him and I thought she was a sad, desperate cow. That's what my ex at the time said about her. I was in love, I didn't want to hear it.
It was only after he ruined my life, I remembered her warning.
Then when he got with someone else, I thought about telling her what he was like, but figured she'd react the same as I did. I just hoped she had more confidence than I did and would see the red flags sooner rather than later. sad
I don't have any advice as such, but there's some experience for you at least.

gamerchick Sat 04-Jan-14 06:46:37

I tried but as above she thought I was sad and just wanted him back. I think she probably remembers now though as she's trying to get rid of him.
I wouldn't bother.

However if SS were involved at any point.. I would give them a ring re the kids so it's on file.

gamerchick Sat 04-Jan-14 06:46:56

I tried but as above she thought I was sad and just wanted him back. I think she probably remembers now though as she's trying to get rid of him.
I wouldn't bother.

However if SS were involved at any point.. I would give them a ring re the kids so it's on file.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 04-Jan-14 06:58:54

Normally I'd say butt out, but as she has children I think I'd take a risk. Not verbally, however, and certainly no explicit accusations. One short communication (a letter perhaps) wishing her well but urging caution. Literally no more than one line. If she wants to ignore it and write you off as a bitter ex trying to spoil things, that's then her look-out. If it prompts her to ask a few questions, great.

Rooners Sat 04-Jan-14 07:06:15

I would find a way to hint, or to get someone she knew to hint.

Can you talk to a friend of hers who you know well enough for them to say, 'look, ive says he's a bit dodgy - be careful.'

She needs to hear it from someone she trusts.

I was told about ex by his old partner - but only once I had dumped him and he had gone back to her. Then I got a load of phone calls saying he had been beating her up for years and the police had been involved etc.

By then I didn't want him back anyway as he'd shown signs of being abusive and I didn't want to live that way. She still wanted him. So she could have been making it up but I doubt it. It was still quite shocking, but believable by that stage.

Anything to sow a seed of doubt, I think, is worth doing. But be careful not to land yourself in any trouble.

Rooners Sat 04-Jan-14 07:10:00

Also to some people, even if you are making it up, the fact that he has got an ex willing to do that will put them off having much to do with him anyway as it kind of makes it look like he was going out with a weirdo.

iyswim? So either you're lying, and therefore pretty weird and he was going out with/is still potentially involved with some sort of weirdo, OR, you're telling the truth and he is abusive.

Depends if you are prepared to take the risk of being thought of as a liar/loon though!

ivegotaniphone Sat 04-Jan-14 07:25:20

Thanks everyone. I left him 6 monthsa Go, he was devastated. They have known each other two months. She is 200 miles away from me. She lives in the same town as his 13 yr old daughter with a previous partner whom he hasnt seen for 12 years. You couldn't make it up. He was much more pleasant with me soon after we split but has gone back to old bullying ways now. They want to take DS on holiday at the beginning of April. DS has met her once so far.

ivegotaniphone Sat 04-Jan-14 07:37:22

Should add most of the abuse was directed at me but because he did it in front of DS army reported him as a child protection risk. With DS be was just a bit inconsistent, all over him one day and then cold and critical the next. He is better with DS now than he used to be.

ivegotaniphone Sat 04-Jan-14 07:48:29

I think Couple of months is rushing, when you both have children and one of you is in the middle of being divorced for unreasonable behaviour?

CuntyBunty Sat 04-Jan-14 07:53:14

Tell her. You owe him nothing and you will be able to live with yourself if he hurts her.

I think we should all be singing like canaries, naming and shaming, openly pointing fingers in the street at these "specimens". I'd love a bit more of a backlash and some direct action, so I am at the extreme end of the scale when it comes to that.

Rooners Sat 04-Jan-14 07:59:32

Just watch that he can't figure out it was you. Or it could make your life difficult.

I think that is often why it is not passed on, this information - the fear of reprisal.

ivegotaniphone Sat 04-Jan-14 08:23:20

Thank you Cuntybunty. I can understand why a professional would get into trouble for telling someone's employers, but don't understand why I can't say to someone "he hit me. Make sure he doesnt do it to you". Surely I'm not breaking any laws?

Dolphinnoises Sat 04-Jan-14 09:48:54

I think alerting SS is the better idea, especially if she has children. It will be better coming from them.

LyndaCartersBigPants Sat 04-Jan-14 10:36:49

CuntyBunty, I'd love to go round naming and shaming the bastards too, but as some posters have said, an ex telling you that your new love is an arsehole will never be taken seriously - he will have primed the new woman by telling her that his ex is a nutter/psycho/still loves him and wants him back etc.

Rather than making it about the man I'd rather see women empowered to call out the bastards on their EA behaviour, retain their independence and an escape route in case things go tits up and to have the confidence to walk away.

Knowing that someone can be violent isn't enough in itself to make some people leave - I 'allowed' my ex to push me, crush my fingers, bite my face and strangle me. I split up but we still got back together after that blush It wasn't until he lied about smoking weed that I finally dumped him. Do I wish I could warn his now wife? Yes, but would she believe me? Probably not, and if she did, she's in love with him, would swear that he's changed, he was only like it because I was a deranged loon etc.

I just think it will paint the OP in an unfavourable light, regardless of how subtle or minimal her message.

lifestory Sat 04-Jan-14 11:49:46

sadly, even if you told, chapter and verse, the new p wouldn't believe you, would even say you are jealous, or "I can handle him, he wouldn't do it to me" I had the same, told sil's new gf the truth how he almost totally destroyed dd's life and her children's, left her homeless and penniless, and guess what, the same happened to her! so, imho, put your energies on your own life, move forward and thank your lucky stars you are free. he won't change, just be thankful you can change your life.

happytalk13 Sat 04-Jan-14 11:52:51

OP - don't step into the ring with an abuser at the very least he will smear-campaign you; you will be mentally ill and unstable and green with envy at worst he will launch a hate campaign of epic proportions against you that could make your life miserable for a considerable amount of time.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Sat 04-Jan-14 17:26:15

I wouldn't. Abusers don't change and his bad behaviour will soon break through. An ex of mine left me in a carbon copy of how he left his previous partner for me. He has now moved on from her too. It's like knitting.....repeat pattern until work measures 23cm ending on a WS row! He even used many of the phrases on her he used on me. I apologised to his ExP in a note saying I was sorry I disbelieved her. After he left I found out some mind boggling stuff from a mate of his who was trying to make me feel better. Enjoy the freedom of a bullet dodged. Grass on him and a world of hurt may open up that you had not anticipated cos even if you do it via SS he will still suspect you.

Bloodyteenagers Sat 04-Jan-14 17:34:18

I would go through SS. Explain to them that he has previously been flagged because of DV and that he is now seeing someone with children.

Chances are, if you told her, she wouldn't believe you. She would mention it to him, he will laugh it off and just say it's because you are jealous because he is seeing someone and you want him back.

Meerka Sat 04-Jan-14 17:59:04

I would, yes, and I would give her the SS case number and details. Maybe inform SS too that he's seeing her. Giving evidence will make you more believable.

Even so, be prepared not to be believed.

But if she's sensible and you tell her calmly, then you've done all you can and she has been warned.

it makes me cross when people end up abused and ground down and then someone says "oh we knew all along but didn't want to say anything" after their life -and children's lives- have gone to hell.

ivegotaniphone Sat 04-Jan-14 19:27:04

Thanks everyone. Still don't know what to do! She lives 200 miles away from me and DS and know no one who knows her, or even her address. She has a very visible online presence and that would be the only way i could contact her at the moment. Ho hum.

susiedaisy Sat 04-Jan-14 19:38:01

I wouldn't bother op unless he has a cruel streak regarding kids or pets. If she asks you I would be honest with her but I wouldn't seek her out to tell her. I think people usually shot the messenger in these sort of situations. My exh was abusive. His new women is completely brainwashed by him, they are still in the honeymoon period and he is putting on a front of being somebody that he's not. She would of laughed in my face if I'd tried to explain the horrible sly sneaky traits he has.

LyndaCartersBigPants Sat 04-Jan-14 20:41:13

Thing is, there's a world of difference between friends of his/hers saying "oh we knew what he was like, but didn't tell you" and his ex saying the same thing.

Does anyone else know what he was like? Someone who is still in his life? If so, I'd have thought it was their responsibility to mention it and they'd more likely be believed too.

LyndaCartersBigPants Sat 04-Jan-14 20:43:15

And sadly, even when we see red flags ourselves we often brush them aside "because he's 95% wonderful" etc.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Sat 04-Jan-14 20:49:05

You can request to speak to her un regards to the holidays hmm you can then mention that you wanted to get to know her as you are cautious considering SS were involved with your family. And you can briefly say it was due to the abuse from your ex. Almost as it's not the main focus of the convo.

Mintymoomoo Sat 04-Jan-14 21:30:57

Don't bother they would never believe you!!!!

My ex was on a dispensed sentance for assault on me! when he need new wife, yet she believes he is whiter than white and is a fab dad dispite him not paying for his kids and not seeing them for years!

Yet she thinks I'm the bad one?!?

Meerka Sat 04-Jan-14 21:49:21

true, lynda, it does come over worse from an ex. Definitely a bit of a problem. A neutral person would be better aye :/

Failing that, still think that notifying SS or mentioning the SS involvement to her might help a bit. But it's more difficult in that you have no way of contacting her other than on line. Is it possible he has access to her passwords etc, if you sent her a cautious pm? Would he maybe see the PM (in which case, don't pm her). It does make it all more awkward :/ There again, it could save her kids and her a world of grief.

What do you have to lose by contacting her? (genuine question). If he's going to make your life difficult then don't. If not - well, you might as well. the new lady's opinion of you isnt that important to you, but on the other hand you might just save her a world of grief, now or later on when she begins to see what he's like

ivegotaniphone Sat 04-Jan-14 22:23:55

Once we are divorced and the financial bit is done I have nothing to lose. I'd have to send her a pm. No idea about him knowing her passwords but if they are in a honeymoon phase I would assume she would show him anyway. She's 200 miles away so it doesn't really matter what she thinks of me! Thank you for opinions everyone

Twinklestein Sat 04-Jan-14 23:10:41

I don't actually think it's a given that every woman entering a relationship with an abusive man would disbelieve warnings point blank.

Many, maybe even most, but there are no stats for the women who ended relationships because of what they heard about their partner. Personally I would listen. Of course I might factor in that it might be sour grapes, but in many situations the exgf has nothing to gain.

I am painfully aware that there are women who would be alive today if they'd heeded warnings about their partner. But I see no reason to dismiss all women as too ditsily honeymoonish to listen.

Twinklestein Sat 04-Jan-14 23:19:12

If we are to conquer domestic abuse, women need to work together to share want they know, trust each other and believe each other. The social conventions that dissuade women from pooling information actually perpetuate cycles of abuse. The very idea at women shouldn't grass but put up and shut up & just be grateful they got rid, is pernicious and works in abusive men's favour.

HissyNewYear Sun 05-Jan-14 08:35:35

I agree Twinklestein, it's the apathy and defeatist attitude that pisses me off.

Sometimes we have to do the right thing - warn someone of a potential situation - even if we thing they won't listen.

Every single person in a relationship with an abuser is worth taking the time to help.

Writing victims off is ridiculous and needs to stop.

Even on this thread there's been acres of 'she won't listen, Myob' etc.

That's tragic! sad

If I was in a new relationship with an abuser I would be glad to be warned by the ex, provided she approached me in a calm and sensible way, just told me the facts rather than look like shit stirring. Of course I may not believe her/want to believe her, but at least by being warned I'd know that he possibly has form, and that if he started behaving badly towards me I'd know it wasn't "out of character".

CuntyBunty Sun 05-Jan-14 16:08:52

I think the new GF thinking you are a loon and not believing you is a non-issue.

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