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What do I do? :(

(40 Posts)
elephantintheroom1 Fri 03-Jan-14 21:17:08

I have been doing some KIT days at work before I go back in Feb after maternity leave. Dh has had 2 weeks off work over Xmas and has been looking after Ds while I worked (quite reluctantly may I add). I am supposed to be at work tomorrow. He has now decided he doesn't want to look after Ds and is currently drinking. Just spoke to him and his exact words were "don't go dumping him in the bed next to me in the morning."

Since Ds was born I am looking at things in a different light, I fear I may be in an EA marriage. He tries to make me feel guilty by saying he doesn't get much time off work, he has looked after Ds all week, he wants to enjoy his last weekend off without having to look after Ds. But I don't get ANY "time off"! If I am not looking after Ds I am at work. I mentioned possibly having another child in the future and he said not until I have lost the weight I gained after having Ds. (less than a stone, might I add) fsad He puts me down in front of his friends, quite slyly though.

I don't know what to do. I know what people are going to say. But I just feel so sad and alone at the moment. I feel so stupid and naïve. I just want to cry right now.

Joules68 Fri 03-Jan-14 21:19:26

Yes, huge red flags there op. So sorry.

Is there anyone else to have your ds?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-Jan-14 21:24:47

It's always a shock to see someone's true colours and I'm sorry you're upset. You're not stupid or naive btw. It's sadly very common for abusive behaviour to coincide with the arrival of the first baby. Thinking back, has he always been selfish and put you down? Do you have any friends or family you can talk to?

elephantintheroom1 Fri 03-Jan-14 21:27:46

No, afraid not. We live 3 hours away from family due to Dh's work and my friends are all people I met in work, who are also working tomorrow.

I could just get up and go to work while Dh sleeps. I know he wouldn't just leave Ds to fend for himself. But he is drinking, and if he is in a state in the morning I am not going to leave Ds here with him.

mammadiggingdeep Fri 03-Jan-14 21:28:03

With regards to tomorrow, is there anyone who can have your son? You shouldn't have to find someone else at all but it will make you feel slightly more in control and not beholder to him. You can just get up in the morn, get yourself and son sorted and walk out.

Personally I wouldn't be staying with somebody that made me feel like looking after our child was down to me. As for the weight comment....vile.

I know you don't want to hear it but seriously, ltb.

elephantintheroom1 Fri 03-Jan-14 21:30:27

cogito, not at first, but more recently he has. He doesn't like me having male friends, for example - but then he says it is normal to be jealous.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-Jan-14 21:34:33

Jealousy is not normal but I think you already know that this whole situation is unhealthy. He's trying to sabotage your return to the workplace. It's miserable, abusive behaviour designed to crush your spirit and get you under control.

oh yes a few red flags there. Sounds very selfish op.
I agree with others it sounds like a jealousy thing, does he drink alot or often drink when you are supposed to be working the following day or doing something for 'you'?

elephantintheroom1 Fri 03-Jan-14 21:45:42

He drinks a fair bit on the weekends. He always seems to have me questioning myself - like, is it unfair of me to expect him to take care of Ds on his time off work? I don't think it is. confused

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 03-Jan-14 21:47:09

Is this man a parent or a dickhead ?

Make your mind up about that, and you will know what to do

mammadiggingdeep Fri 03-Jan-14 21:47:46

Do you take care of ds on your time away from work?? Yes. You no doubt will return to work and work it around your ds.

shallowkitty Fri 03-Jan-14 21:51:35

Could u look up local childminders online just now see if any could chat by email or phone and look after him as ur childcare has fallen through. Or a local private nursery if u know anyone else witha a baby that could recommend.

elephantintheroom1 Fri 03-Jan-14 21:54:16

I have a childminder lined up for when I return to work properly but she isn't available until the end of the month. I could have a look, but it's Saturday and I'm not sure how much childcare is available on the weekends. confused

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-Jan-14 21:59:20

The fact that you're even half-questioning whether a father should be happy to look after his own child means you've been living with this behaviour too long.

whitsernam Fri 03-Jan-14 22:05:09

I am so sorry you're dealing with this right now. Yes, you feel very alone, as you are not getting anything helpful from the person who should be pulling WITH you, not against you! He sounds self-indulgent. We know mums have to put the children ahead of what we want for ourselves (not always, but if we want them to survive, we do have to in some sense) and he's making a very clear statement that he will not do that. The complaint about your weight is so far off-base I am furious on your behalf. But I used to have a friend whose husband said something like that, and she waited until he was wanting sex, then reminded him what he'd said, and made him sleep on the sofa. I thought the world of her!

the question is do you want to be having this worry every time you work
I know men need their own time but there comes a point when their 'own' time should not be questioned with looking after their child.
you should not have to be looking for childcare
I think if you are questioning yourself you are probably not in the right relationship.

elephantintheroom1 Fri 03-Jan-14 22:12:47

Thank you everyone. I honestly don't know what the best thing to do next would be. Wish I could have a cuddle with Ds but he is sleeping!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-Jan-14 22:18:15

The best thing to do next would be to take a firm approach in first instance. You're going to work so he has to sober up fast, sort himself out, straighten his face and look after DS properly while you're gone. Not negotiable. If he chooses to argue the toss or be uncooperative then you show him the door and tell him not to come back. Work will have to wait another day.

When you've got a bully on your hands the only way to deal with them is through strength. Give in to them and all you get is a bigger bully.

elephantintheroom1 Fri 03-Jan-14 22:34:36

OK, thank you. I will do that! Going to head off now and get some sleep, we will see what happens in the morning. sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-Jan-14 22:39:48

Good luck...

elephantintheroom1 Sat 04-Jan-14 06:47:32

I got up and started getting ready for work. Put an awake Ds in the bed next to Dh. Ds starts crying and Dh wakes up in a temper. "I told you yesterday, I am not looking after him, you can't just dump him on me and get your own way all the time."

I said fine, I am going to take Ds and get the train to my mum's for a few days. He said do what you want with him.

If we are getting in the way of his precious "me" time then we may as well not be in the house at all.

Thank you everyone for the advice. I am not sure what is going to happen next, but I want to see my mum and talk to her and I sure as hell don't want to be around Dh at the moment. I have no idea how it's come to this to be honest.

NakedTigarCub Sat 04-Jan-14 06:58:00

Dont leave the house.

You need to ask him to leave. Is your name on the mortage?

TobyLerone Sat 04-Jan-14 06:59:45

He sounds like an utter cunt. LTB.

Your DS won't notice/remember how little his dad cares about him now, but if you stay with this 'man', in a few years he will.

NakedTigarCub Sat 04-Jan-14 07:00:39

You need to make an appointment with a lawyer to know where you stand legally.

Do you have a joint bank account? Do you have access to your own money?

TobyLerone Sat 04-Jan-14 07:00:42

And yes. I'd tell him to leave.

Santabroughtmethis Sat 04-Jan-14 07:01:41

What a selfish prick.

Sorry OP.

NakedTigarCub Sat 04-Jan-14 07:02:56

Your ds should not have to leave his home.

elephantintheroom1 Sat 04-Jan-14 07:08:35

We rent, but it is through the MoD (Dh in the military) so I can't make him leave (it is all done through his name, and the rent, council tax and bills all come directly out of his wages before he gets paid). It is married quarters, so if he left, I would have to leave too.

We don't have any joint finances, I have always wanted to maintain financial independence. My work pays in cash anyway and I have personal savings of about £2500.

To be honest, I don't have much of a support network around here anyway. No family and few friends. If we separated (looking likely) I would want to move closer to my family.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 04-Jan-14 07:10:45

I'm sorry he carried on in the same vein. Hope your mum is supportive. As for how it's got to this, it would be very rare for someone to change personality overnight. I expect, if you think about it, he's always been selfish and you're only appreciating how much now that you have responsibility for DS. Good luck

AgathaF Sat 04-Jan-14 07:19:54

I'm late joining this thread but have just read it through. Given that you can't keep the house anyway, and that your family is miles away, and that you have separate finances and some personal savings, I think that you should do as you have told him and get yourself and your son on the train to your mum's. Take what you need and can carry, and then come back with family to get the rest whenever you can.

He is not a husband or dad. He is a selfish git and I doubt very much that that will change in the near future.

Santabroughtmethis Sat 04-Jan-14 07:34:59

Are you sure you'd have to leave the property? I have a friend who had 2 children with someone in the military and when they separated she got 1 year in the house with the children.

lekkerslaap Sat 04-Jan-14 07:58:35

Bloody nora!

I would have kicked his arse so hard he would be in Australia by now. I think your life will be a lot easier without this self entitled twunt.

Sorry Op, best of luck and stay strong.

Kandypane Sat 04-Jan-14 08:30:49

Omg this man us a disgrace. Go to your mums OP. I'm sorry you have to deal with this utterly selfish prick.

GeordieCherry Sat 04-Jan-14 08:37:45

From reading other threads like this, be sure to take any important paperwork with you & stuff like birth certificate for ds

He probably won't like the fact that you've stood up to him

Sorry this is happening thanks

Anniegetyourgun Sat 04-Jan-14 08:51:23

It's amazing how many men think they are the real human being in a marriage, and everyone else is just there to provide a pleasant background. Their job is the one that takes priority even when it's lower paid. Children should be packed up in little boxes until it's time to play with them. Such main do gain a lot having everyone tiptoe around them, but they lose a massive amount too - starting with genuine respect and affection from their life partner, and sadly, a deep bond with their own offspring.

Whatever I may say about my ex - and I often do - he did truly love his babies, and regarded looking after them as a privilege rather than a chore. There is no way we would have lasted 25 years if that had not been the case.

OliviaBenson Sat 04-Jan-14 09:19:17

I lurked on your other thread op. So sorry it has come to this.

RandomMess Sat 04-Jan-14 09:26:47

All the best, I think in the circumstance the best thing you can do is go to your Mum's for a while taking all the important paperwork with you. I hope the child benefit is already in your name. If you decide not to go back or go back merely to sort out splitting up start a claim for CTC as a single parent. This means you can't do ANY household tasks for your h but that is his tough luck.

elephantintheroom1 Sat 04-Jan-14 10:17:51

I am on the train now. I have ds birth certificate, he doesn't have a.passport or anything. Yes the child benefit is in my name and goes into my bank. Feeling pretty numb at the moment.

RandomMess Sat 04-Jan-14 10:24:39

Big hugs, you and ds deserve so much better x

KalevalaForMePlease Sat 04-Jan-14 10:37:57

So sorry OP, but you're doing the right thing. He sounds like a selfish arse. You deserve better. thanks

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