Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

New man, body issues

(46 Posts)
BradleyCoopersCurlyPerm Fri 03-Jan-14 20:48:25

So I've been seeing someone for a little while. He's a single parent, so tends to be nights around his watching a film, some food, wine etc one his daughter has gone to sleep, unless she is with her mother and then we go out.

Sorry in advance if it's too much info, but we''ve had sex twice and a session before that which involved lots of kissing, touching etc but not penetrative sex. Each time has been wonderful, the sex is amazing and has been a session with lots of attention paid etc lasting a few hours.

Now I don't think he has any issue with this at all, but I'm overweight. Not grossly, but am a size 16-18. The first couple of times I kept some element of clothing on (perhaps as a comfort / safety thing??) However, last time we both ended up stripped completely, and whilst I loved the full skin contact, I was a bit self conscious at first.

I know the obvious thing to do is lose some weight, and I plan / want to anyway, but how can I feel less self conscious about it in the meantime?? He really does make me feel amazing, showers me and my.body with attention, several orgasms etc. I know it's not exactly a life stopping problem, but he's the first new person I've been with in quite some time.

SirSugar Fri 03-Jan-14 20:54:37

Tell him that you are built for comfort; not speed

bewilderedotcom Fri 03-Jan-14 20:58:29

If you are having sex with him do you think you could just ask him? Talking is just another kind of intimacy after all.

Maybe 'I am a bit self conscious about my size, is it a problem for you?' I am sure he enjoys you the way you are and it won't be an issue for him, after all he was attracted to you as you are and clothes really aren't much of a disguise for a fuller figure! I'm sure he will do everything he can to reassure you. Most men don't go for size 8 women, no matter what the magazines say!

If he says he wants you to lose weight I would be a bit worried as it might indicate a controlling man, but if he asks if you want to for health reasons and offers to help you or keep you company in the gym then I would be overjoyed smile

IrishBloodEnglishHeart Fri 03-Jan-14 20:58:31

From what you have described it sounds like he is entirely delighted with you as you are. If the sex is great and he compliments your body just relax and try not to overthink it. Take it a day at a time and enjoy what the two of you have. It sound bloody great smile

manaboutthemaison Fri 03-Jan-14 21:08:11

who'd want sex with a stick insect ??? it'd be like shagging a fold up deck chair. He obviously finds you awesome.... go for it

LyndaCartersBigPants Fri 03-Jan-14 21:11:33

I make sure to leave a very dim light on and if I'm likely to be exposed in any way, keep a vest (a lacy sexy one, like a negligee, not just a plain old cotton one!) to keep my tummy covered.

DP loves me just as I am and always tells me not to be shy and that I'm sexy. I'll never parade around naked, but I'm getting better at not hiding quite so much!

I'm sure your new man loves every inch of you and as you get more comfortable with him I'm sure you'll relax. Enjoy!

BradleyCoopersCurlyPerm Fri 03-Jan-14 21:38:08

I really don't get the impression from him at all that it is in any way a problem. I'm generally quite ok with being naked, I know I'm a larger lady but tend to mostly carry my weight alright. I'll never be skinny as I''ve always been quite voluptuous so I don't look right if I'm too thin. I think just a size 12-14 would be my ideal.

My concern is more when we're in the throws of passion and my stomach juggles. Can't be a pretty sight for him when he's at eye level!!! But as I said it's definitely my issue and not his. And I doubt that he sees me as big as I see myself.

Rummikub Fri 03-Jan-14 21:40:32

It sounds like he's into you! Enjoy and be confident.

RoxyDoxy Fri 03-Jan-14 21:43:45

You're the size you were when you started the relationship

He clearly fancies you like mad. (A few hours - lucky girl!)

Perhaps you could have another glass of wine and think of all the people who would love to be in your position (metaphorically and literally)

Guiltypleasures001 Fri 03-Jan-14 21:45:00

This will be the second time I've posted this on this forum

If the man is standing there with a hard on it doesn't matter if your wearing a black bin liner or a sack cloth and ashes, he wants to be with you and in you, take it as the compliment it is.

Chin up shoulders back tits out lovey some of it is chemistry , some of it is throwing caution to the wind, the rest is smoke and mirrors.

If he's fucking you then he's clearly happy with the way you look and feel. That's all you need to know! If he's enthusiastic about touching your body, makes all the right noises etc then don't worry! Weirdly enough, some men like a soft woman with a generous arse!

Laurel1979 Fri 03-Jan-14 22:06:52

I know exactly what you mean OP - I am a similar dress size and it definitely affects my self esteem when it comes to dating. Not helped by the fact that the last guy I slept with didn't want to see me again after we had sex (on the first date - a while other looooong thread!). But in your case, it sounds like he is really keen, so I wouldn't mention it!

Laurel1979 Fri 03-Jan-14 22:07:45

Sorry whole not while

Joysmum Fri 03-Jan-14 22:14:32

This isn't about your size, it's about your self confidence.

I've been all sizes from size 22 to an 8 and I could be just as confident at times as a size 22 as u was at an 8. Equally, my confidence takes a nose dive and at size 8 I felt worse than at size 22.

I'll be blunt here, my husband finds me most attractive when I'm most confident and that's got bugger all to do with my time. He likes to feel I enjoy sex without feeling self conscious, more than that but when he feels I am full of lust and gagging for a fab fun session!

My self confidence is not related to my size, it's related to how much I like myself.

BradleyCoopersCurlyPerm Fri 03-Jan-14 22:14:46

I just hope it passes soon. It's crap having one eye on my jelly belly when I'm enjoying myself! I know he fancies me, we had a conversation where he was saying he doesn't know how some people can sleep with people they aren't attracted to etc.

I think I just expected him to recoil in horror at my jelly belly. But we've been in touch since then and he's definitely looking forward to meeting up again. And I know he's as satisfied as I am so all good really. I'm just fretting over nothing I think.

BradleyCoopersCurlyPerm Fri 03-Jan-14 22:19:46

I'm actually a pretty confident person, and had no issue with getting naked and being stood naked in front of him with the lights on etc. And I know what I like and what feels good for me, which I think he appreciates. It is literally just my stomach jiggling when he's going down on me and I get into it.

Joysmum Fri 03-Jan-14 22:28:00

If it's your belly that bothers you then embark on some tummy toning and see how you go. Really pleased you've found somebody that's worth making the effort for

Best of luck and enjoy. Sex is a great form of exercise grin

Rummikub Fri 03-Jan-14 22:32:04

Erm, I doubt v much he's noticing that while he is going down on you grin

Allofaflumble Fri 03-Jan-14 22:37:02

I am full of envy!

I remember many years ago, a lover telling me he loved my squidgy belly.

And he was a very fit younger man.

I don't think there is any harm in just saying casually you feel a bit self conscious about your belly.


BradleyCoopersCurlyPerm Fri 03-Jan-14 23:05:40

I know, it's ridiculous isn't it. I know he probably couldn't care less at all. He likes that we're comfortable and relaxed with each other and he says he likes making me feel good, but the swing side of it is that whilst he wants to spend forever down there I can climax a few times which means plenty of belly wobble.

Bizzarely even despite my size I do mostly feel quite sexy, and there are men who find me attractive so I'm fairly confident in myself.

I just need to chill out over it I think, and concentrate on losing some weight as I wanted anyway.

LyndaCartersBigPants Fri 03-Jan-14 23:08:48

Probably makes a difference what his body is like too. I'd find it harder to be relaxed with a really slim or toned man, but a big hunk of a man who has his own hang ups is much easier to deal with!

Trills Fri 03-Jan-14 23:20:02

It really doesn't sound like he dislikes your body...

BradleyCoopersCurlyPerm Fri 03-Jan-14 23:24:10

He's just got a normal (but perfect!) body. Medium build, not super toned, not overweight. Squishy where it matters and strong where it matters. He's put on half a stone though which he's a bit self conscious about. Even though his body is beautiful.

LyndaCartersBigPants Fri 03-Jan-14 23:47:31

Sounds perfect! I know my DP isn't as confident about his body as he has been, but because I love it he has no qualms about being naked with me. We're just comfortable with each other, which it sounds as if you are too. Fab!

BasicFish Sat 04-Jan-14 00:33:06

OP, you sound lovely and your new man sounds very very into you! It all sounds really positive, now get leaping into bed with him! grin


"who'd want sex with a stick insect ??? it'd be like shagging a fold up deck chair."

Don't you sound charming. First of all, women are not stick insects. Stick insects are, well, insects, so the whole penetration thing would be a bit trickly. Unless the man in question has a tiny, tiny penis? Possibly spent too much time shagging deck chairs to remember what a real naked lady looks like? And is it better to shag a fold up deck chair than a fixed one? I'm worried about the amount of research that has been carried out here..

Gullygirl Sat 04-Jan-14 02:34:13

Manabout, that's a despicable comment.

Allofaflumble Sat 04-Jan-14 08:01:40

The truth is that there are some men who do indeed like a very thin body, social media puts this forward as the ideal, very thin with huge boobs. I have seen comments by men that say someone like Cheryl Cole could do with losing more weight.

Thank goodness we are all different. I like a man to be a bit on the cuddly side but I also like to see fit men (though not keen on the muscly abs look), so there is hope for us all (hopefully!)

Allofaflumble Sat 04-Jan-14 08:06:13

Also OP how lucky are you? A man who loves to give oral sex to a woman is a very nice man indeed!

queenbitchapparently Sat 04-Jan-14 08:26:01

Oral sex is not the holygrail of sex and men do not deserve a pat on the head for daring to go south (how brave they are).
On the other hand I am a bigger girl I have had four kids and never had a problem with guys, finding it strange that a man likes my jelly belly or unpert boobs is more about social programming than anything else. We are told there is noooo way a man could possibly find that attractive.
They do and some actively prefer it. Enjoy it, revel in it, let yourself be uninhibited and confident.
He will find you even sexier.

Size 16-18 is not overweight. Marilyn Monroe was a size 16 and one of the sexiest women ever to draw breath. Women's clothes sizes are all utter bullshit anyway as there's no common frame of reference - what's a 16 in M&S will be an 18 in Evans, a 14 in Next, and possibly even a 22 in Primani, which makes a mockery of the whole shebang and, in my opinion, is one of the major contributing factors to body image issues in teenagers and young women.

Rant over. Now - and this is supposition on my part - I suspect your new guy finds your curves irresistible. If so, he and I are of the same breed - I much prefer curvy women with a proper womanly shape. If I may venture a comment on the safety blanket - my OH does this as well (on the infrequent occasions we do get down to it) and, to me, it's a barrier, at a time and a place where there shouldn't be any barriers. I really wish she could learn to be happy in the skin she's in, and would advise you to try and do the same. Best of luck in your new relationship smile

MylesKennedysVocalCords Sat 04-Jan-14 11:32:54

Sorry to go slight off topic, but Marilyn Monroe had a 22-23 inch waist. There is no way she was ever a size 16; even in vintage sizing!

MylesKennedysVocalCords Sat 04-Jan-14 11:35:08

Cut off before I've finished- OP I'm sure your new guy finds you gorgeous because he's with you! Enjoy yourself smile

Unless you are 6'3" a size 16-18 is definitely overweight. You might not like that but it's a fact. Also Marylyn monroe was not a size 16 at any point in her life. Look at pictures of her - that is simply not possible.

overweight by whose measure? Those stupid charts on the wall of the doctor's surgery? By those standards every professional rugby player in the country is obese, which is nonsense. I may be wrong on Marilyn - as per my original post, dress sizes are arbitrary at best and the translation between US sizes and UK sizes is not an exact science - but let's not fixate on that...

BradleyCoopersCurlyPerm Sat 04-Jan-14 13:09:56

At 5"6 I am definitely overweight. Not horrifically so, and I carry my weight well, if that makes sense. Even back in the days when I was a size 8 I've had an hourglass figure with boobs, bum and waist and I've kept that shape, but the dimensions have grown.

I kind of think that sexy is more an attitude thing than a physical thing, for me anyway. And as I said I do feel quite sexy.

I agree about the barrier of clothes. I think I'll be quite happy to have none now, but it did make me feel more secure the first couple of times.

And for me it really is the holy grail! I've never had sex like this before. I've had lots of amazing sex, but not had so much attention paid to my whole body and felt so desired.

And I don't really think it's social conditioning. I don't like the appearance of my jelly belly so wouldn't expect anyone else to. I know we all have our own individual tastes etc though.

Overweight by anyone's measure! Find me a size 18 woman who doesn't carry too much fat on her body (excluding body builders) and I'll agree with you. And by too much I mean too much for health, not for arbitrary standards of attractiveness. Those charts on doctors' walls are generally quite accurate tbh, I know they don't apply to huge rugby players but that's not what we are talking about, we are talking about women, and if your body measurements make you a size 16-18 then you are carrying excess fat.
I'm not a body fascist by the way, I'm a size 16, but I'm not trying to kid anyone or myself that I'm not overweight, because I patently am.

Jaffacakesallround Sat 04-Jan-14 13:35:17

You'd have to be pretty tall Sault to carry off being a 16-18.

Most people I know who are average height- 5 4"-, 5 6" and who are that size are 2-4 st overweight. The problem is that around 40%+ of women are now that size and people have lost perspective on what is healthy.

absentmindeddooooodles Sat 04-Jan-14 13:44:12

Not loving the stick insect and deck chair comments here!!

Fwiw I think people who are "skinny" can have a hard time too! Not nice to have names like that aimed at you if you are naturally built that way!!

Ive always been small. Im quite tall and from puberty have been the lanky skinny one with no boobs. Having ds bulked me out a bit more but regardless of how much I eat im still the size I am. I find it hard to think tjat a man will find me attractive withoit a curvier figure...I.e boobs and less spindly arms etc. Comments like that do not help!

Op ypu sound lovely. As does your new bf. Enjoy and embrace it all!

I was really nervous the first few times with dp...covered up the saggy baby belly and all the stretch marks.....but now we are totally comfortable being naked with eachother and enjoy it smile

absentmindeddooooodles Sat 04-Jan-14 13:48:38

And bmi is not all that accurate.

I was classed as overweight in school. I weighed 8.5 stone. I was skinny. But as they do not take in to account build.....I was classed as overweight. That got me labelled as the " fat sticck insect" until I was 16. Real nice.

My son has also been classed as very overweigjt. He is 2.9. He wears age 5 clothes as he is so tall. He is off thechart height and weight wise for his age but has always been on tje same centile for both weight and height. But again they dont take that into account. Theres not an ounxce of fat on him. But still because of that damn chart he is down as overweight.

They dont always get it right.

Im not saying that every size 18 woman is healthy, as tjats obviously not true. But op has said she knows she is a bit overweight and wants to loose a bit for herself. Great. But dont tar everyone with the same brush.

BradleyCoopersCurlyPerm Sat 04-Jan-14 13:52:46

Thank you everyone! I never intended for this thread to be negative towards any body shape, I was just speaking about my own hang ups with regards my own body.

I think we often have a very skewed image of our own bodies, so magnify what would be non issues to other people, which is what I feel I've done. My guy doesn't see an issue but I do. Likewise I see no issue at all with his supposed very minor weight gain, but he's seen a change he doesn't like.

Ultimately men like all different types of women. And women of the same height and dress size will still often have different builds and carry weight differently regardless of size. If I think about my male friends and their respective partners, that is a whole spectrum of female body types, and I bet if asked what the ideal was among them, most of my friends would give a different answer!

redundantandbitter Sat 04-Jan-14 14:02:30

I think he sounds marvellous tbh.

OP - he wants to spend forever down there I can climax a few times

I am soooo jealous.

5HundredUsernamesLater Sat 04-Jan-14 14:09:48

I don't think this post should turn into a debate about wether a size 16-18 is healthy or not. That wasn't the issue. The OP has said in the post she wants to loose weight but the question was about gaining confidence in the meantime. Negative comments about being overweight probably won't be too helpful.
OP beauty is in the eye of the beholder and he sounds like he definitely finds you beautiful, that in itself should be a big confidence booster. Enjoy!

redundantandbitter Sat 04-Jan-14 14:13:41

I'm a bit on the scrawny side - underwear is your friend OP.invest in something that you feel good in, that suits you , and you'll ooze confidence. I love leaving the lights on, but nothing wrong with dimming them, few fairy lights. He really won't be looking at a wobbly tummy. Who care about that! Enjoy- and just think Of the calories you're burning!

BasicFish Sat 04-Jan-14 15:19:01

absentmindeddoodles Ignore that idiot! I totally agree with the op's last comment, there are men that love curvy figures, men that love slimmer figures, there's not just one type of man that loves one type of figure smile I'm a size 8, and have found many, men that love my figure and I'm sure there are posters who are size 14/16/18 that can say exactly the same thing. Don't let one twat bring you down!

"who'd want sex with a stick insect ??? it'd be like shagging a fold up deck chair"
You'll find that men vary in their tastes, which is just as well really isn't it seeing as I'm "built for speed not comfort" hmm

BradleyCoopersCurlyPerm just try and focus on the fact that he started seeing you while you've been the weight you are so you are clearly his type aren't you. Plus he sounds like he's really into your body with all the attention he's giving it.wink It doesn't sound like he doesn't like your body to me grin

BradleyCoopersCurlyPerm Sat 04-Jan-14 19:46:17

Well I won't see him now for 4-6 weeks as I'll be working abroad and then he's travelling home for a couple of weeks. Soooo, the next time we see each other I could have started some serious work on the jelly belly!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now