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Can yo do tha thing where you tell me I'm really young and have lots of good things ahead of me?

(39 Posts)
Trills Fri 03-Jan-14 09:13:16

I'm 30.

We've been together 7 years. Living together 5 years.

No kids (I don't think I want any).

Amicable split, as far as we don't dislike each other and we're not fighting and we're going to be polite and civilised about it, but I don't actually want to split up.

Can you please tell me all the positive stories?

MrsSchadenfreude Fri 03-Jan-14 09:19:06

I did this - we had just grown apart. I wasn't sure if I wanted to split up, but thinking logically, I didn't want to stay in a dead relationship either. It was fear of the unknown that made me want to stay. I met someone else almost immediately, we got engaged after a few months, married after a year and have now been married over 20 years, and have 2 DC (I didn't want children either...).

I stayed friends with my ex, and our friendship weathered his loony girlfriend who made him stop paying half of our mortgage when we were selling our flat (she subsequently left him for another woman) and him moving to another country.

bragmatic Fri 03-Jan-14 09:24:36

My 30's were sooooo much better than my 20s. Really and truly.

And you know what? My 40s are shaping up to be even better. At 44 I am the fittest and healthiest and in the best shape I've ever been. And inside my head? it's all good.

All these things can happen independently of any relationship you may or may not have.

Oh, and I started having my kids at 36. I have 3 of them.

Trills Fri 03-Jan-14 09:44:59

You don't need to tell me that there's plenty of time for kids smile
1 - I know that
2 - I don't want them

(yes I know this is mumsnet but it's also the only sensible accumulation of adult women on the internet!)

offloadingthisshit Fri 03-Jan-14 09:51:50

hmm No ones told you that, both of the above posters just told you what happened to them as per your request and for them that included having children.

Personally my 30's were shit, I was in a shit marriage and i'm 40 now and just come out of a shit relationship. You are doomed, that better for ya?

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Fri 03-Jan-14 10:04:46

Sorry to hear this Trills.

You are very young, and also rather gorgeous if I may say so smile. You always seem very calm, wise and self-contained.

I split with someone after 6 years when I was 25, not very amicably, I had to be adamant which felt unkind. I did miss being with someone so went out with other people very quickly as distraction.

All through my 20s I was certain I would never want children and gave friends who did a hard time for burdening the planet blush

I got a job abroad and subsequently travelled a lot and, mostly, had a ball.
The best part was living on my own and loving that.
Doing something completely different on your own may be a lot better than continuing the same life, but without him.

When I met DH I was 32, still very against increasing the population!
Within a year we decided to get married, then his mother died suddenly and one morning I just felt wrong taking the Pill. He said fine, stop. We went on to have three DC!

Will be celebrating 30 years next year.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Fri 03-Jan-14 10:07:42

Aw, to be single and 30 is a truly wonderful thing- I can't think of anything else to say but...sigh...those were good years!

Trills Fri 03-Jan-14 10:50:51

I was really quite looking forward to my 30s - had plans of fun holidays and things like that.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Fri 03-Jan-14 11:14:27

None of that has to stop, it will just be different because he won't be there.
You may even find it's better wink

brusslesprout Fri 03-Jan-14 11:38:28

I am in a similar position, 28 years old and been with bf for 7 years. Except you're braver than me as I can't find the courage to leave. How do you know when it is time to walk away?

JetcatisBack Fri 03-Jan-14 11:49:07

I agree with Bewitched, there's no reasons why you cant still have your fun holidays - even holidays alone can be more fun than holidays with someone who doesn't want to be there smile

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Fri 03-Jan-14 11:51:22

You're heading into the unknown, that's why you feel doubtful.

But its great, full of possibilities, full of doing what you want, going where you want, having to answer to no one.

There will be other men.

Please enjoy yourself so that when you are properly old you can look back and smile and say, "yeah...that was good..."

ExitPursuedByAChristmasGrinch Fri 03-Jan-14 11:54:34

Life will be sooooo much better on your own. You will be fine. Take heart, be brave and make that leap of faith.


MrsSteptoe Fri 03-Jan-14 12:05:43

You'll do fine. You'll worry that you'll never find the right man. You'll also have times when you enjoy being single and can't imagine being hampered by a relationship. You'll have sleepless nights about things that, six months later, you can't even remember. And as time goes by, you'll increasingly live in the knowledge that This Too Shall Pass - the good, and the bad. I repeat, you'll do fine.

ShoeWhore Fri 03-Jan-14 12:14:03

My best friend was dumped (practically at the altar) when we were early 30s. She was naturally devastated.

She sorted herself out, packed herself off travelling and 18mo later met her now dh. She is much much happier than I think she would ever have been with the other guy (in hindsight although I was v fond of him)

You will be alright OP. My dsis has done some fab hols as a single 30 something.

Trills Fri 03-Jan-14 12:44:19

I'm not being brave and walking away - he is.

Trills Fri 03-Jan-14 12:46:22

Thank you - this is the kind of thing that I need to hear.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Fri 03-Jan-14 12:57:32

Get on Travelsupermarket and book some things to look forward to.

Where/what do you fancy?

Trills Fri 03-Jan-14 12:59:50

I've got a weekend away with some friends booked next weekend anyway, so that's something at least smile

KateAdiesEarrings Fri 03-Jan-14 13:04:11

I loved my 30s. It was my favourite decade so far grin
I'd come out of a long-term relationship and it did feel like a transitional period. I spent lots of time travelling, socialising with friends, dating, trying new classes and generally had a ball. It was lovely to have the freedom to pursue my interests without having to consider someone else (whether my interests meant attending a lecture, campaigning or sitting in sunny gardens drinking G&Ts with my friends). My passport from that time is filled with stamps for exotic places and my address book is full of new friends I made in that time.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Fri 03-Jan-14 13:04:51

Excellent, where are you going?

SetPhasersTaeMalkie Fri 03-Jan-14 13:15:05

I split up from my partner at 30. I was gutted at the time as I didn't relish being on my own and starting again.

I then surprised myself by having a thoroughly riotous social life including travelling and lots of boyfriends and dates.

I look at the first couple of years of my thirties as amongst my happiest. I was old enough to have a bit of money and sense and definitely young enough to enjoy it.

brusslesprout Fri 03-Jan-14 13:15:20

Sorry OP I thought you meant you had walked away. Either way the feeling is the same, the world is your oyster and all that jazz! grin

Trills Fri 03-Jan-14 13:37:29

Sorry, just being a it mopey.

MonsterMunchMe Fri 03-Jan-14 13:47:23

Last December I had the guy I thought I was going to marry walk away from me whilst I was nearly dying after losing his baby.

I was floored and I thought it was the end, I couldn't ever imagine being happy again.

So I started a me project, I made a list and I stuck to it. I've had awesome holidays, a 15k payrise after a promotion, I've just done what I wanted when I wanted. It's been amazing. Men were the last thing on my mind.

Then a guy id known from around for about 5 years asked me out for a drink. And we have been together ever since. He's a keeper and I have never been so happy smile

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Fri 03-Jan-14 14:11:41

Wow MMM that's quite something to come back from flowers

(((Trills))) you will recover, and life will be better than ever.

It will get better ... really it will.

A few weeks before my 29th birthday my ex left me after 11 years (left me for a 19 yr old!). We had no kids, just a house to sort out. I was truly devastated for the first month, but surprisingly started to feel better very quickly. I think he wished I was more affected than I was! I made a conscious decision to make myself happy. I booked lots of fun things for that summer, festivals, concert tickets, went to the gym (yuk!) and briefly joined a dating site.

Within the next 2 years, I had met DH, we had a baby and got married. Life is great smile.

(I actually think my ex did us both a massive favour, neither of us were going to just walk away - until he did)

Lweji Fri 03-Jan-14 14:32:33

What do you want from your 30s?

Do you think you need a man to achieve it?

Trills Fri 03-Jan-14 15:26:13

I don't think I can answer that question. I've never exactly had a ten-year plan.

Lweji Fri 03-Jan-14 15:28:50

You don't have to have a plan, but how do you see your life pan out?

Why is it particularly bothering you that you are losing this man and you are 30?

You mention fun holidays, but you can still have them, particularly without kids. Fun holidays can be a nice way of meeting people.

VinegarTits Fri 03-Jan-14 15:58:26

If i recall correctly? This isn't the first time he has wanted to go trills? I think it's time to cut your losses, maybe re discover yourself as a single person? it could be quite exciting? Being in a relationship is safe but being single doesn't have to be scary (as you know I've been single for many years) if you are surrounded by good friends and family (which I know you are) then you will be fine

It will b difficult at first but keep yourself busy, I think you know it's something you both need to do now, and you know we're are here for you [manly nod]

YankNCock Fri 03-Jan-14 18:26:35

What Vinny said.

As I think you know, my first marriage ended after 5 years, when I was 30. That was also the same year I met DrCock and we lived happily ever after in a sea of debt with two screaming kids....errrr...I'm not being very inspirational, am I? grin

But I'm genuinely happy with my decision to end marriage number 1. I know it wasn't your choice to end this relationship, but you have to take some control here and get both time away and distance from your ex. Has he moved out already? Can you avoid him completely for the next 6 months or so, just while you get your bearings? Avoid the temptation to take any scraps he is offering, friendship, occasional shag, etc. Clean break is best while you let go of any lingering idea of getting back together.

We'll be rooting for you, your 30s will be brilliant (especially because you still look 24, you biatch!)

AngelsFingers Fri 03-Jan-14 18:34:21

Allow Yourself to Mope. And 'mourn'.
But also be proactive and give it a time limit. Structure in distractions, maybe new interests.
It does hurt. That is the nature of losing someone we care about, even if we lose them amicably.
You will change a little as a result and somewhere down the line, as much of a cliche as it is, it will make you stronger, and perhaps take you somewhere you might not have found yourself, 'in' the relationship.

(I am Mittz, BTW)

I met someone new, am shaping a new life, looking at future possibilities and have come through a tremendously difficult year........ I can only say that yes, you are young and that in itself brings with it certain blessings. If there is anything you held back from doing for yourself, as part of a couple, do that. Learn a language, to dance,
Closing one chapter is hard.... but a new one starts............

sorry for the cliches lol........

And you are gorgeous, clever, funny and vehr, vehr swish smile

Trills Fri 03-Jan-14 18:37:15

Thanks for the pep talk smile

I have friends coming round soon, and wine

Trills Fri 03-Jan-14 18:41:41

I am proactively making plans for my free time, I took a bunch of stuff to the charity shop, and I have done a bit of looking for flats (but need some advice first as will probably move areas to be closer to my work).

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Sat 04-Jan-14 12:26:02

Hope you had a good evening Trills and are feeling positive today.


ALittleStranger Sat 04-Jan-14 12:54:59

If you don't want kids then you have loads of time. You could spend your entire 30s having a ball being single, lots of flings, lots of travelling, lots of selfishness and then meet the love of your life at 40. Or you could meet him on Wednesday morning when you're taking the bins out. Who knows, the lucky thing is you have no pressure and can just enjoy yourself.

Trills Sat 04-Jan-14 14:54:56

I've done a bit of sorting out of things in the house (lots more to do!) and a bit of looking for new places to live.

Also a bit of drinking coffee and texting friends. It is Saturday after all.

shey02 Sat 04-Jan-14 15:16:01

Trills, a breakup can be the start of a new you. I'm happier now at 41, fitter and more fab if I say so myself :D ;) than at any of my other decades... You're allowed to feel mopey, it's the fear of the unknown and losing your security blanket, but life might be fantastic again!

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