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Advice please ! Is this moving too fast

(145 Posts)
Tia2005 Thu 02-Jan-14 19:18:15

I met this guy 2 weeks ago this sat I've met him when I was out and I've met up with him 1 other time we talk on the phone everyday , he's says he loves me and wants kids with me and to marry me , he's told me a lot about himself he says he gets injections for stress and he says the doctors said he's got mental health . I just think this is moving too fast I told him that and it upset him I need advice please

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 19:20:11

Advice? Run.... and don't look back.

JeanSeberg Thu 02-Jan-14 19:21:38

Assuming this is real, ask yourself what is wrong in each of the statements you've written about him.

Joysmum Thu 02-Jan-14 19:23:42

Omg yes that is way to fast and he sounds way too dependent and unstable to know what he wants. In fact, even if he wasn't unstable I'd say declaring undying love after only 2 weeks makes me think he's in love with the idea of being in love as he doesn't know you well enough to be able to know if you are right for him.

I'd be very very cautious if I were you.

Littlefish Thu 02-Jan-14 19:23:59

Walk away now.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 19:25:48

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Run away as fast as you can and block his number. Then work on your self esteem.

LastingLight Thu 02-Jan-14 19:26:44

Get out. There is nothing positive about this guy or the relationship.

PortofinoRevisited Thu 02-Jan-14 19:27:36

Run like the fucking wind!

kukeslala Thu 02-Jan-14 19:28:38

cogito
That's a bit off ain't it? Nice way to describe a person with MH...

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 19:30:13

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Climbingthewalls12 Thu 02-Jan-14 19:31:16

The responses on this thread are awful considering the fact that the man described apparently suffers from a mental illness hmm

IMO the biggest issue here is that he isn't willing to accept how YOU feel. My OH told me he loved me after about 2 weeks of dating (thought we had kind of known each other vagually for a while before) and I got pregnant (by accident) 2 months later. We are still together and very happy 4 years later.

Incidently my OH also suffered severe anxiety when I met him and a loving relationship really helped it.

princessalbert Thu 02-Jan-14 19:33:46

No. I wouldn't get involved. It is all too intense.

The MH issues may or may not be an issue. I certainly would be very wary of anyone who declares undying love and marriage so quickly. He has only met you once??

Tia2005 Thu 02-Jan-14 19:38:00

We met in a club on a night out then we met once after that .so twice in total , I no deep down this is too fast and I've said this too him and it really hurt him I've got a 8 year old daughter as well I need to think about .im gonna have to tell him it's over some how

Tia2005 Thu 02-Jan-14 19:38:15

We met in a club on a night out then we met once after that .so twice in total , I no deep down this is too fast and I've said this too him and it really hurt him I've got a 8 year old daughter as well I need to think about .im gonna have to tell him it's over some how

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 19:39:52

Be prepared for him to be the type won't accept it's over and please be very, very careful indeed. Does he know where you live?

Tia2005 Thu 02-Jan-14 19:44:35

No , for some reason tho he gave me his mums address and phone number he said case anything happens to him he's said befor if I ever finished with him it would break his heart and he wouldn't no what to do he's 37 I'm 30

TurnipCake Thu 02-Jan-14 19:46:57

After meeting twice you're not responsible for his overall mental health and wellbeing, nor being his mother's point of contact hmm. He's done ok for 37 years without you in his life so far, he'll be ok and if he's not, that's not your cross to carry.

At least he doesn't know where you live

Climbingthewalls12 Thu 02-Jan-14 19:47:28

Offs just because he's a bit intense doesn't mean he's going to come after the OP.

If it's not for you then its important not to give him false hope, just end it and move on.

Casmama Thu 02-Jan-14 19:48:04

Oh dear. This is not good. I might be tempted to give his mum a heads up if she answers the phone as she may then be able to support him.
I agree you do need to get out of this as soon as possible- it can only get much much worse.

Casmama Thu 02-Jan-14 19:49:21

Climbing it means he is not rational and is therefore unpredictable- warning someone to be careful is never bad advice.

SweetSeraphim Thu 02-Jan-14 19:49:22

Are you likely to bump into him if you go out OP? If not, I'd be tempted to block him on your phone and just not speak to him again. You owe him nothing, he's not your responsibility.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 19:49:50

Then tell him it's over, go a strict 'no contact' & avoid any places he might be. He'll just have to deal with his broken heart.

Climbingthewalls12 Thu 02-Jan-14 19:51:03

I think its really sad though the type of responses that are being given. I would be devistated to think that someone didn't even have the balls to end it to my face, just because I suffered from mental health issues.

Its fine to end it of course but just because someone is intense or has issues doesn't mean that you should do it any differently to how you would otherwise. Its still another human with feelings.

Casmama Thu 02-Jan-14 19:55:45

The advice is on the basis of the things he has said which may or may not be influenced by his mental health problems. It maybe a fundamental part of his character that he is clingy.

OP has a daughter to think about in this as well. She has met him twice so should act acordingly

Tia2005 Thu 02-Jan-14 19:56:32

I ain't got his mums number or address I deleted it or I would of done that do u think its best to tell him face to face

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 19:56:45

She's walking away, not because he allegedly has MH issues but because he is unstable and potentially dangerous.

Casmama Thu 02-Jan-14 19:59:04

You have deleted the details of the only method you have to contact him!

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 19:59:06

You cannot afford to be face to face with a man like this when you end it. Emotionally unstable = dangerous. Polite text then drop.

TurnipCake Thu 02-Jan-14 19:59:49

I wouldn't tell him face to face-to-be honest, no. Yes, there's human decency yadda yadda, but with some cold hard context: you've met the guy twice, known him for a fortnight and your personal safety comes above everything else.

doasyouwouldbedoneby Thu 02-Jan-14 19:59:55

No don't do it face to face. text or phone. you don't need to give a reason-simply say this relationship is not working for me. Then block delete ignore.
I hope he doesn't know where you live or stay--or even work. he sounds obsessive and you don't want him turning up.

Casmama Thu 02-Jan-14 20:01:56

Sorry think I misunderstood the mums contact details part.
Yes end it by phone - after two dates you don't owe any more than that and it is probably safer.

Tia2005 Thu 02-Jan-14 20:03:53

I've just deleted his mums details not his he don't no where I live or work I'm scared to tell him I no I have to tho

Casmama Thu 02-Jan-14 20:06:25

Do it now and get it out the way, you'll feel better once its done.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 20:07:49

End it simply, don't reply to any responses and you might be lucky and get him out of your life quickly. Say nothing and where most would take the hint, this one will probably keep trying.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Thu 02-Jan-14 20:10:27

You are scared to tell the man you have seen twice it is over?

What are you going to do then?

SweetSeraphim Thu 02-Jan-14 20:10:31

Do it now, OP. It's hanging over you like a motherfucker.

JeanSeberg Thu 02-Jan-14 20:10:37

So he's threatened suicide with the 'if anything happens to him' scenario?

JaceyBee Thu 02-Jan-14 20:14:09

There is no such thing as 'injections for stress' unless he's talking about a depo which is used for people with schizophrenia/delusional disorders or an ad hoc shot of benzos.

I would definitely end it by text asap, not because of his mh issues but because he clearly makes you feel uncomfortable for whatever reason and you need to listen to your gut.

Tia2005 Thu 02-Jan-14 20:16:43

I no I'm just gonna have to tell him I just feel like a bitch

SweetSeraphim Thu 02-Jan-14 20:16:55

Exactly what Jacey said. I would be saying the same if MH issues hadn't even been mentioned. OP doesn't like the way it's going and wants to stop. That's it.

JaceyBee Thu 02-Jan-14 20:30:11

You are not a bitch, and I'm afraid you are just going to have to sit with that feeling until it passes! Which it will, very soon.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 20:34:04

Why do you feel like a bitch? Is it because he's guilt-tripped you with the alleged MH issues?

Casmama Thu 02-Jan-14 20:36:43

You are not responsible for his feelings, you have only met him twice.

Try and think how much responsibility you would normally feel after 2 dates. That is the appropriate amount.

This talk of suicide is either extremely manipulative or indicative of severe instability- either way you are much better out of it.

Leverette Thu 02-Jan-14 20:38:17

It would be useful for you to think about why you seem to be feeling bad about listening to your gut instinct warning you about an abnormal/risky situation and that you are feeling bad about putting your comfort and peace of mind before his.

Please keep yourself safe.

Tia2005 Thu 02-Jan-14 20:52:45

Well I've just text him sayin this is moving too fast for me and it's not you it's me does that sound ok

Tia2005 Thu 02-Jan-14 21:03:15

I no this is bad but I'm gonna post his reply

Tia2005 Thu 02-Jan-14 21:05:37

yeah, i kind of agree.
today didnt feel like the days before, its almost like we burnt our selfs out.
your not hurting me, ive been thinking alot about it too.
ive been saying alot of things without really thinking about it and am kind of losing my self.
i thought i was ready but maybe am not if your talking like that.
i think we need to talk, it doent have to be bad but i think we have to talk.

TurnipCake Thu 02-Jan-14 21:08:24

Hmm, sounds like after the whirlwind he would have dropped you like a stone, at least you weren't sucked in by it.

No talking necessary, you've both said what you want to say, there's no 'have to' about it.

Casmama Thu 02-Jan-14 21:08:38

I don't think that text makes it clear that you don't want to continue. He will probably come back saying that he can slow things own, doesn't want to lose you etc.

I think you need to be really clear- "I'm sorry but I don't see any future in this relationship and I don't want to waste your time when you could be out meeting someone who could make you happy. I wish you the best of luck for the future and think it best if we don't contact each other again. Tia"

Something like tht?

Casmama Thu 02-Jan-14 21:09:36

Sorry missed your last response- ow bizarre. How do you feel?

Offred Thu 02-Jan-14 21:10:00

This is not someone being 'a bit intense' this is actual full on stalking... He has met the op twice and he's already professed love and a desire for marriage and children and threatened to kill himself if she split up with him...

I think there is cause to be scared and to deal with it robustly by telling him straight you want no contact and calling the police if he contacts you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 21:12:43

You don't have to talk or do anything. No contact required.

Offred Thu 02-Jan-14 21:12:51

Sorry xpost.

He's just trying to get you to meet him face to face. You have not been direct enough. His behaviour is out of order and you should tell him so and be prepared to contact the police if he persists in contact.

JaceyBee Thu 02-Jan-14 21:14:09

Say no to talking. You do not 'have' to talk and I strongly advise that you don't!

CocktailQueen Thu 02-Jan-14 21:14:39

Agree with the others. That is insane. He is unstable - you've met him twice! His health is not your responsibility - Whether he has mh problems or not. Tell him you don't want to see him again.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Thu 02-Jan-14 21:23:39

Please text what Casmama said. Please please PLEASE don't meet him. You may be opening a monster can of worms at best! After two dates you are feeling this bad. Listen to that voice inside and avoid him. His problems are not yours. Dodge this almighty bullet.

Tia2005 Thu 02-Jan-14 21:27:40

I'm gonna copy and send that now thanks everyone for yr advice I no it's the right thing to do

Tia2005 Thu 02-Jan-14 21:37:49

Well I've sent it and now keeps calling me and leaving voice mail . God I'm so stupid for getting my self in to this

JeanSeberg Thu 02-Jan-14 21:40:29

Switch your phone off.

SweetSeraphim Thu 02-Jan-14 21:40:49

Can you block his number? Delete the voicemails without listening to them.

TurnipCake Thu 02-Jan-14 21:50:38

Switch your phone off, what can you do for the rest of the night that's nice for you? Bath, book, magazine, your fave music?

Tia2005 Thu 02-Jan-14 21:52:09

He send me a message sayin I'm out of order doin this by text and saying unless I speak to him and say it's over we're still together

Casmama Thu 02-Jan-14 21:53:21

He will say anything to get you to speak to him- that last bit is fucking nonsense. Can you block his number?

Offred Thu 02-Jan-14 21:54:31

Tell him you do not owe him anything at all after two dates and if he contacts you further you will consider it a threat and will call the police.

yourehavingalaugh Thu 02-Jan-14 21:54:58

You're not 'together' if you have only ever met him twice! I have never heard of anything so ridiculous.

Casmama Thu 02-Jan-14 21:55:17

Oh and do not respond not matter what he says. The one exception being if he threatens you in and way reply "any further threats and I will contact the police, do not contact me again"

Hopefully it doesn't come to that.

Tia2005 Thu 02-Jan-14 21:55:42

I can't block his number on my phone sad

PortofinoRevisited Thu 02-Jan-14 21:55:54

Just ignore him!

Casmama Thu 02-Jan-14 21:56:41

Ok no response then - any response will encourage him.

Offred Thu 02-Jan-14 21:57:11

I'm not sure you should ignore him tbh. He needs to know he's frightening you and you will take steps to prevent this. Otherwise you'll be scared to walk round town and bump into him.

princessalbert Thu 02-Jan-14 21:57:53

Just switch off your phone.

His behaviour is just proving what a bad idea it would be to meet up and discuss this in person.

TurnipCake Thu 02-Jan-14 21:58:02

No contact from now on, as I said earlier, at least he doesn't know where you live

Tia2005 Thu 02-Jan-14 21:58:22

His last text message was ::thats not good sending me that text without talking to me.
i guess am exspendable.
you dont owe me nothing but you could of let me hear it from you.
i want to hear you say its over, if not, talk to me.
as far as am concearned we are still together unless you say other wise.

PortofinoRevisited Thu 02-Jan-14 21:59:07

Don't tell him he is frightening you certainly.

Offred Thu 02-Jan-14 21:59:15

Could you ring 101 and just get some advice from the police about what to do?

JeanSeberg Thu 02-Jan-14 21:59:17

Switch it off fgs.

Casmama Thu 02-Jan-14 21:59:17

Sorry offred I disagree. Bumping into him in a public place would be unfortunate but this guy may get off on the fat he is scaring her.

Chances ar he will get fed up.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 22:00:14

Bad luck. Keep any texts and voice-messages and, if they persist beyond tomorrow, talk to the police.

Offred Thu 02-Jan-14 22:00:31

But I'd be frightened he had been following me and/or would attack me. I really think he sounds that unhinged. If the police aren't aware of any of it and you haven't told him not to contact you it may not be treated seriously.

HairyGrotter Thu 02-Jan-14 22:02:52

Who the fuck has injections for stress? Is there such a thing? No.

Now, keep any messages, don't reply, and if it continues, contact the police.

His Emotional instability is alarming especially after only 2 weeks confused

Casmama Thu 02-Jan-14 22:03:16

Christ offred are you trying to scare her- she said he doesn't know where she lives or works so that would make following her a bit difficult.

Tia2005 Thu 02-Jan-14 22:06:25

I've looked it up on the Internet and the injections must be for depression .he was sayin he gets then every 3 months

JeanSeberg Thu 02-Jan-14 22:06:48

And?

Casmama Thu 02-Jan-14 22:08:40

I think that is in response to the pp who said injections may have been for schizophrenia

JeanSeberg Thu 02-Jan-14 22:09:31

Yes but why are you even googling it op?

Leverette Thu 02-Jan-14 22:13:58

His most recent message is chilling. He is making it clear that you are not allowed to end this without his agreement. Please call the non emergency police on 101 and tell them everything, keep all texts and voicemails.

SandyDilbert Thu 02-Jan-14 22:14:02

I think you should text him once more only and just say 'I have nothing more to say, please do not contact me again. Any further contact will be referred to the police.'

And then if he does persist I would at least log it with the police. I wouldn't be surprised if he has done this before.

PortofinoRevisited Thu 02-Jan-14 22:17:35

What Sandy said. This is just an inadequate twat.

Leverette Thu 02-Jan-14 22:18:50

The only injections given for non-emergency mental health problems are to manage psychotic illness OP. Primarily for severe bipolar and forms of schizophrenia. Having these illnesses does not by any means disqualify someone from being able to participate in a healthy relationship BUT this treatment given by injection, rather than him self medicating with tablets, indicates he is the more severe end of the scale.

Weegiemum Thu 02-Jan-14 22:19:49

Just ran this by my dh - he's a GP who does a lot of psychiatry. Regular injections like that are only given for schizophrenia! not depression or stress. His behaviour suggests the same. Keep yourself safe and don't respond.

JaceyBee Thu 02-Jan-14 22:21:25

No, no-one has injections for depression. It'll be a depo for something like schizophrenia. Not really relevant though. What phone do you have? Blocking numbers on an iPhone is easy.

JaceyBee Thu 02-Jan-14 22:22:41

X post with the other mh professionals there!

JaceyBee Thu 02-Jan-14 22:25:16

It would maybe indicate a history of non-compliance with takin medication orally. Of course schizophrenics are very rarely dangerous but if he isn't well then his behaviour could be erratic and unpredictable. I wouldn't engage with him any further at all.

"Hello X, I've made it clear I want nothing to do with you yet you have persisted contacting me. Anything sent from now will be considered harassment and will be forwarded to the police. Goodbye."

Oops, just seen this is very similar to a PP's suggestion!

Offred Thu 02-Jan-14 22:28:31

I'm not sure the possible schizophrenia is irrelevant if he is delusional but equally I think it doesn't matter in terms of what you should actually do. He is behaving delusionally, that's all you need to know.

Have you called 101?

Offred Thu 02-Jan-14 22:29:38

I don't think I'm necessarily over-egging it. Delusional stalkers are known to be quite dangerous.

SandyDilbert Thu 02-Jan-14 22:36:02

I don't think the issue is schizophrenia, or any other possible illness, I think the issue here is his behaviour and the whole bunting of red flags his actions so far have shown.

Leverette Thu 02-Jan-14 22:45:45

Of course the issue is his behaviour, what's been described is to inform the OP as she seemed to be in possession of less than the full picture.

I'm totally with Offred in reading this as a high-risk situation.

Partly because (excuse me referring to another thread) the OP describes herself as "soft" and is reluctant to set and enforce appropriate boundaries with regard to her home and the behaviour of guests.

HissyNewYear Thu 02-Jan-14 22:46:50

Well done for texting him it's over!

You owe him nothing! You've achieved more investment in this thread than you did in that 'relationship'

Change your number as soon as you can!

Charlie50 Thu 02-Jan-14 22:50:33

Please either ignore any further contact or only contact to say you have or are going to report him to the police. I know others have said this. Please listen to them and yourself. Schizophrenic or not he is acting in a strange and threatening way towards you. Ignore or actually report him. You don't need this stress for another minute.

forumdonkey Thu 02-Jan-14 22:52:53

Does he know your full name OP? Is there any chance he could trace you?

You have met in one one night out and been on a date with him and he's behaving like this - keep yourself safe. Make sure your Facebook is private etc

Tia2005 Thu 02-Jan-14 23:04:46

Yea he nos my full name sad
He's texting of another number now saying take things slow and he was moving fast and he's gonna be single now forever now I can't turn my phone off I need it I've not called 101 they might think I'm wasting there time

TeamSouthfields Thu 02-Jan-14 23:10:52

Please run.away! please

forumdonkey Thu 02-Jan-14 23:13:45

How many texts and voicemails has he sent you and over what time period OP. In that context you may think it worthy of a call to 101

Lioninthesun Thu 02-Jan-14 23:14:10

No, this is a huge red flag. If you don't run then make sure you take everything VERY slowly. Find out as much about HIM (meet friends, colleagues etc) as you possibly can before letting your heart get involved.
I would suggest running though.

Lioninthesun Thu 02-Jan-14 23:15:01

Sorry, missed second page. FFS, I need to do things more haste less speed today!

JaceyBee Thu 02-Jan-14 23:22:09

Listen. You cannot waste 101's time. It is the police non-emergency number. Were you to call 999 now then yes you may be wasting their time but this is what 101 are there for. Call now. And do not reply to any texts from him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-Jan-14 07:26:55

The 101 non-emergency number is a good suggestion if he proves to be overly-persistent. It's not a blue flashing light situation but you may benefit from police advice if he keeps harassing you. He may be known to them already. I hope he gets the message and leaves you alone.

Aussiemum78 Fri 03-Jan-14 07:48:56

He exhibits a lot of abusive characteristics.

Wanting to marry a virtual stranger, wanting sympathy/over sharing, making you responsible for his well being and insisting on control of the situation (telling you that you are still together).

Now as far as potential stalking goes, you need to do one thing - send one message this is plain and simple "please do not contact me again". Then block on Facebook, block on phone/email if you can, avoid any mutual friends or places for at least a few weeks and tell any mutual friends (if applicable) that you want no contact with him. Every contact will fuel his behaviour, you need to starve him of any contact at all. He may even do things like google you, your friends, your sporting clubs, your family. Cut off anything you can, and report to the police any problems.

Don't bother trying to talk or reason or plead with him, it will make things worse.

Aussiemum78 Fri 03-Jan-14 07:52:11

I did have a stalker when younger btw so I did try everything (it went on for two years) and only complete contact starvation worked - even running into a neighbour of mine, or passing my car in the street was enough to kick him off again.

Reasoning with him will be perceived as "workin toward reconciliation" in his head.

Aussiemum78 Fri 03-Jan-14 07:54:15

Oops forgot to mention, can he google your daughters name to find out her school? I'd check ASAP.

forumdonkey Fri 03-Jan-14 08:52:35

How are things today OP? Did he stop contacting you?

RollerCola Fri 03-Jan-14 09:07:28

Hope you're ok OP, try not to get freaked out by this. I would definitely just ignore everything he sends now, but keep it all just in case it does get too much and you feel you need to report him.

Text him one more time saying 'I do not wish to hear from you again. Any further communication will be construed as harassment and reported to the police'
Then do it. He's not rational, he's controlling and scary. You don't owe him a damn thing.

Tia2005 Fri 03-Jan-14 14:23:52

Well still getting messages he's sayin now he will give me space and he don't love. Me he just thought he did I think he's just sayin what he thinks I wanna hear

pictish Fri 03-Jan-14 14:27:40

as far as am concearned we are still together unless you say other wise.

Really? That's interesting. How does he propose to force you into a relationship with him that won't end until he agrees?
Nice theory.

Ignore everything he sends you and DO contact 101.

pictish Fri 03-Jan-14 14:34:31

Text him one more time saying 'I do not wish to hear from you again. Any further communication will be construed as harassment and reported to the police'

I actually agree with that. One final clear and cold as a bell text. Then not another word to him, except via the police.
He's utterly bonkers. Get firmly rid of him.

Logg1e Fri 03-Jan-14 14:42:35

OP, Well still getting messages

Have you contacted him at all since your first text?

spindlyspindler Fri 03-Jan-14 14:44:11

Do not worry about wasting police time. You can go to the police station and talk it over with them if you are uncertain. The police are there to serve the community and it is perfectly all right to ask their advice. I'm sorry it went this way, OP sad

SandyDilbert Fri 03-Jan-14 15:54:05

have you replied to him at all - are you going to speak to the police about it?

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Fri 03-Jan-14 18:28:43

Send the leave me alone or I will contact the police. If you don't want to send that you need to ask yourself why.

SeptemberFlowers Sat 04-Jan-14 16:45:19

Has he stopped texting you now ?

SweetSeraphim Sat 04-Jan-14 21:52:27

Has everything been ok since last night?

Tinkertaylor1 Sat 04-Jan-14 21:58:23

do not meet up! My ex used this line loads,

'i agree we need to split, i just want to talk it through with you and finish on good terms, one final meet up''

it was bullshit, he just used it to beg - then turn nasty

Perfectlypurple Sat 04-Jan-14 22:09:11

From a police perspective this will be taken seriously and dealt with. I would pop into your local police station or ring 101 and report it. They will tell him to stop contacting you. If he continues after that they will take it further.

Or, if you don't want to go straight to the police do what the others have said and give him one chance to stop contact. A text saying I do not want any more contact from you, if you continue I will be reporting you to the police then if he continues and you do report it he can't say he didn't know you didn't want contact.

Good luck.

cees Sat 04-Jan-14 22:36:57

You have a little girl to protect, he sounds very unstable, keep your resolve.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Sat 04-Jan-14 23:35:37

Tia, please do not be manipulated by how upset he will be. That is a caculating, manipulative, control tactic. He can choose his own degree of upset (or even lack there of)...you can not control that.

Calling you a mean bitch is a strategy to tighten the leash and make you heel...and it works on some people because they might do Anything rather than have someone think they are a mean bitch.

But at the end of he day, they are just words. Like in a script. Someone is trying to be the director of your actions (no, you do not need to meet him face to face). You Do Not have to participate in this dynamic. Your gut instinct is right, and championship ribbon to you for honoring it. That is the what part done.

The how part seems to be new territory for you and that is where MN shines so brightly: the previous posters are wrighting a policy/boundary manual for you that is based on prior experience on what does work, as well as what does not work. I hope you understand that having correct boundaries is the healthy form of selfishness that will protect you (and your dd) from abusive relationships. For some, it is black or white: Bitch or Door Mat? Go Bitch, every time. Good luck and sorry you are going through this.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Sun 05-Jan-14 00:08:31

And to clarify, by bitch, I do not mean uncivil, vulgar, abusive behavior. I mean standing your ground and honoring your own boundaries (that you found necessary to create). The "bitch" part is refusing to bending to manipulation to put the other one first at your own expense, and it is not actually being a bitch, but the one not getting his way will use the label to attempt to influence your choices. Perhaps it is also known as having a backbone. What he thinks about it is irrelevant.

I don't mean to spark a debate with this, and sorry for not being able to describe what I mean very clearly or briefly. blush

Tia2005 Mon 06-Jan-14 14:35:18

I saw him in town and he said he's got schizophrenia I told him it was over and things were moving to fast to soon he says we can take things slow should I give him another change ?

Offred Mon 06-Jan-14 14:37:08

Are you kidding? No, of course not! Run like the wind.

SeptemberFlowers Mon 06-Jan-14 14:37:25

Tia : No. I wouldn't go near him.

TalkativeJim Mon 06-Jan-14 14:37:42

Er, no.

Perfectlypurple Mon 06-Jan-14 14:39:40

No way. Huge red flags.

Tinkertaylor1 Mon 06-Jan-14 14:40:35

tia read my post a few up ^

Run for the hills, this man is not mentally stable. You need to look at your self why you are contemplating this relationship when you have an instinct it's not right for you.

Get out now while you can

pictish Mon 06-Jan-14 14:41:35

Um...how can I put this?
NO!

Lazyjaney Mon 06-Jan-14 14:59:16

No. There are just too many red flags, as everyone says.

TalkativeJim Mon 06-Jan-14 15:03:18

He will tell you ANYTHING he thinks will get him back in your life.

He isn't stable.

By letting him in, you'll not only gain a frankly unsavoury character as your boyfriend, but possibly put your safety at risk.

Why would you want him back? Does the thought of spending your free time actually WITH this guy make you think 'Wow! Great!'

Isn't it much nicer, safer, simpler and MORE ENJOYABLE an option to find someone who is actually pleasant and non-creepy?

Wuxiapian Mon 06-Jan-14 15:04:34

Yes.

Way. Too. Fast.

MadIsTheNewNormal Mon 06-Jan-14 15:11:58

The responses on this thread are awful considering the fact that the man described apparently suffers from a mental illness

I disagree. The OP is the one asking for advice here, not the person suffering from poor MH.

She does not have to make any allowances for him at all - she's known him five minutes and his met him a handful of times. He's behaving irrationally, intensely and has become over-invested emotionally in a scarily quick timeframe, and it's weirding her out.

Therefore, the perfectly appropriate advice is for her to keep away from him. Whatever problems he may have are not her problem.

SandyDilbert Mon 06-Jan-14 15:32:27

the responses here are nothing to do with any mental illness - but they are to do with his disturbing, frightening and quite frankly stalkerish behaviour.

Op why on earth did you even speak to him? Please have nothing further to do with him - it will only end in tears, yours...

Offred Mon 06-Jan-14 17:07:18

Please speak to the police on 101. It's so unlikely that this was a chance meeting. He is your stalker not your boyfriend.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Mon 06-Jan-14 17:37:33

Why are you even considering it? Be honest with yourself as it seems like you are desperate for a relationship and will take anyone.

Logg1e Mon 06-Jan-14 18:11:54

I was wondering if you're just in the mindset of pleasing others before yourself OP? Are you thinking that it be nicer for him and easier to give him a chance? This really, really isn't the criteria you should use for a relationship, especially just before it starts.

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