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Online dating gameplaying - what the hell?!

(52 Posts)
carouselle Thu 02-Jan-14 16:13:51

I'm a long term lurker, first time poster, hoping for some insight and wondering how on earth to get my head around this...

Bit of background, I'm in my late twenties, my DP died suddenly in 2012, which resulted in me moving back to my home city to be closer to my family. The first year was dreadful, but gradually I picked myself up, felt ready to date again. I didn't really know many people my age in the area so decided I'd try OD ( I met a few people, but no one who really captured my attention until I got talking to one man.

He seemed extremely genuine, with a similar outlook on life and interests as myself. He was articulate and a good listener and emails soon progressed to long phone calls every evening. We exchanged lots of photographs and he was exactly my physical type, as he said I was to him. Due to a 100-mile distance between us, it was a month before we were able to meet up, by which point a bond had formed and tension had escalated to the point where we couldn't wait to see each other.

The night before I went down to see him, he messaged me "I hope you're the reason I joined Match, you seem to have everything I'm looking for, I hope that doesn't scare you," and "my instincts are usually right and they're telling me you are what I've been searching for."

Anyway, we met up and I felt instant chemistry and he told me that I was exactly how he imagined I would be. One thing led to another and we eventually ended up back at his house and spent the night together. Everything felt right and natural if a little surreal and as we lay in each other’s arms before we went to sleep, he told me that he was never going to let me go.

In the morning, I jumped in the shower and he told me that he was popping out to pick us up some breakfast. I was on cloud nine, so after about 40 minutes when he hadn't come back and I spotted a note addressed to me on the coffee table asking me to check my phone, I hoped that it was a nice surprise. When I checked, I was really shocked to find a message that said: "I don't feel that spark and I won't pretend I do, I will be away 4 most of the day. 4 both our sakes it would be better if you were gone when I return."

I was dumbfounded - fair enough if he didn't feel a spark, but a) why lie that he did and act in such a convincing way that he did? and b) why not have the guts to tell me to my face??! He didn't seem like a player - was this all really an elaborate ploy to have sex with me? If so, it seemed like such a ridiculous effort!

I phoned him, but he wouldn't pick up so I sent a text asking if he could at least clarify why he acted in such a baffling manner. All he would say was that he would answer my questions later, but for now I must get out of his house - he'd given his keys to a friend and the friend was coming over in an hour to make sure I'd gone!! I left, with really no idea how to get to the train station from his house in this unfamiliar city, feeling utterly duped and shell-shocked.

Anyway, that was two weeks ago. I sent him one more message reiterating that I would appreciate some answers, to which he ignored. Obviously I have no desire to see this man ever again, but this has really floored me. He was the first person who I had feelings for since DP died. I'm usually such a good judge of character. I can't believe that someone apparently so lovely could be such a coward. I feel like I've lost faith in my judgement and wonder whether this is normal for online dating? Right now I feel like taking myself off to a nunnery and not bothering ever again ☹

Leverette Thu 02-Jan-14 16:18:20

He sounds like an incredibly nasty, manipulative, scheming user tbh, not a coward. I think he knew exactly what he was doing and had it planned all along. Hope you're ok - sorry you ran into such a twisted manwhore.

Joysmum Thu 02-Jan-14 16:20:50

The trouble with expecting people who behave like shits to have a valid reason for doing so is that they never will have. People who behave like shits mostly do so because they are shits and even even he gave you answers you could never get away from that fact.

The old cliche of 'it's not you, it's me' is dead right in your case. You're lovely and you had the misfortune of getting tangled up with a complete shit.

I hope you can move on and learn to enjoy the dating experience rather than looking for mr right.

Only1scoop Thu 02-Jan-14 16:25:01

What a nasty piece of work he was to do that!hmm I would bet its not the first time he has either.

Chyochan Thu 02-Jan-14 16:26:11

Sure there are players but this guy sounds totally barking!
Your well rid.
I guess all you can do is thank your lucky stars you met this loon only once irl.

Wallison Thu 02-Jan-14 16:28:44

He sounds like a cruel and self-absorbed manipulative shit and I wouldn't be after him for any explanation because nothing that he says will make what he did any better. I'm really sorry you had such a lousy experience but honestly you are better off out of it; you don't want anything to do with someone who would behave in such a way. And it really isn't anything to do with you or what you've done wrong, so don't beat yourself up on that score. He's just a twat.

There are nice men out there, and I'm sure you'll find one. Incidentally, I've found the trick with online dating is to arrange to meet up sooner rather than later - that way, if they're not suited to you or there's no spark or whatever, you haven't invested too much in what should be the getting-to-know-you stage. However, that's advice for another time. For now, lick your wounds, delete his number and walk around with your head held high safe in the knowledge that whatever happens you are a much much nicer person than he is.

MasterP0 Thu 02-Jan-14 16:29:35

OMFG, how HORRIBLE! What a FUCKTARD! OP sadly I've had a similar experience a while ago, we planned a weekend getaway, first night there were candles, wine, it felt so right bla bla bla, we wake up, he turns around and says "I just have to tell you, there's just no spark"

I felt like someone had punched me hard in the stomach, and I had to pretend the rest of the weekend like we were just friends, meanwhile I wanted to stab him 67 times and feed him his dick!!!!! He's VERY lucky I'm a SANE woman, hahahaha!

Weekend ended, I ERASED him from my life, felt like disinfecting myself (On some level I felt I'd been raped), I never contacted him again, got over it, 3 weeks later he's sends me a friendly text, I ignored and deleted, WANKER!

You WILL get over this, DO NOT let him define your love life, free yourself from the shackles. He's a COWARD, and I have every faith Karma will sort him out. I just REFUSE to give up on love because of wankers like him, NOT all men are bastards! Take time out, lick your wounds, and get back out there, plenty of fish in the sea! GOOD LUCK

CosyTeaBags Thu 02-Jan-14 16:35:49

Oh OP I'm so sorry, what a complete and utter bastard.

I agree with Joysmum - it's not you, you had no chance of judging his character correctly since he was just wearing a mask the whole time.

My interpretation of this was that he didn't quite feel a spark, but went along with things to save face with you rather than admit it. He might be well versed in spouting this over the top, romantic shite and it just came naturally to him.

Then took the utter cowardly bastard's way out. What a callous thing to do - at the very least, he could have just seen the date through and called it off once you had left (still would have been horrible, but to just leave you in the house and then demand that you leave is just... shock )

My advice to you is please don't assume that this is how all people on OD act. You could just have easily met an arsehole in a bar. It's not OD that made him an arsehole, it was him.

Don't give up, just take it slowly, cast the net out there and chat to a few new guys (if only to cheer you up and take your mind off this one). And make sure you don't contact him ever again - he clearly has no regard for your feelings and won't ever give you the answers you crave.

Don't spend another second of your time allowing this man to make you unhappy. There's a whole world of lovely guys out there just waiting to make you happy.


handfulofcottonbuds Thu 02-Jan-14 16:42:43

carouselle - firstly I would like to say how sorry I am that your DP passed away.

Secondly, what a completely nasty, manipulative man to have done this to you. There are no answers, there is no explanation apart from he is a bastard to do that to you. I'm glad you got home safely.

Try and move forward and forget this a.hole.

spindlyspindler Thu 02-Jan-14 16:43:03

He's a shit. There's your explanation. Don't feed his ego by asking him for one. This is a power game for him and any approach by you, even if it's just to have a go at him, will be interpreted as you coming back for more.

I'm really sorry you were treated like that. There are people who treat online dating as a way of messing with as many people's heads as possible. Delete that number, delete those texts and run like the wind.

Dirtybadger Thu 02-Jan-14 16:43:09

What a bastard!

I have never heard of anything like that. Maybe cutting contact after 'the deed' but not turfing you out of the house as soon as it was done with via text message.

I wouldn't be surprised if he comes home one day to find someone slightly less dignified than you has taken a number 2 on his bed. I hope they do smile

CosyTeaBags Thu 02-Jan-14 16:52:21

I wouldn't be surprised if he comes home one day to find someone slightly less dignified than you has taken a number 2 on his bed. I hope they do grin I bet OP is now kicking herself that she didn't think of that. Or the photo of his toothbrush trick...

HairyGrotter Thu 02-Jan-14 17:04:17

Holy fuckballs, that dude is a colossal cunt.

His behaviour is NO reflection on you, he was clearly out to get what he wanted, premeditated and manipulated.

Take only one thing from this experience, that being he's a massive, giant, cowardice prick of a soul.

Take some time out, I met my fiancé online, there are good guys out there, but it's about finding your way round the jebends

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Thu 02-Jan-14 17:13:10

Carouselle. How did you resist the urge to dial the Australian speaking clock and leave the phone off the hook and/or put the plug in the bath and leave the taps running full bore? You are a saint indeed! smile

carouselle, so sorry to hear about this bastard angry I can't add anything to what other posters have said, so here's thanks

"I wouldn't be surprised if he comes home one day to find someone slightly less dignified than you has taken a number 2 on his bed. I hope they do"
I hope they do too Dirtybadger grin My first thoughts were what I would like to do to his place, (hopefully) not enough to get me arrested, but enough to make my mark...

Pouring milk and/or piss on the soft furnishings, in places he won't notice until it starts to stink!
Piss in anything edible/drinkable that I could hide it in.
Any prawns found in his freezer would end up in weird hidden places grin
I wouldn't do anything in reality, but take great joy thinking up stuff like this and only hope that if he pulls that stunt with another woman that she's a complete nutter who will go to town on him.

mammadiggingdeep Thu 02-Jan-14 17:37:41

You are a saint...I'd have used his toothbrush to clean the toilet before I left, you know, just to be a good house guest and clean up before I left.


Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Thu 02-Jan-14 18:28:06

Oh if only had a feedback system like Ebay eh?

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Thu 02-Jan-14 18:29:25

Oh if only had a feedback system like Ebay eh?

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Thu 02-Jan-14 18:30:01

Sorry pressed twice. doh!

fiftyandfab Thu 02-Jan-14 18:48:21

you are indeed a first thoughts on reading your OP was I'd have spent the hour before the mate with keys arrived doing unspeakable (and unattributable to me) things to his house! He'll get his for sure....karma is a bitch smile

carouselle Thu 02-Jan-14 18:58:15

Thanks so much for all your lovely responses - I know there's nothing I could have done differently and posting here has made me realise that there really is no point expecting a logical explanation from someone so irrational! I'm sorry to those who have encountered similar twunts sad

Rest assured I will absolutely NOT be making any effort to contact this man again. I do wish that had a feedback system - kind of like Trip Advisor, only I'd call it Twit Advisor grin

I've had a good laugh thinking about the kippers I could have shoved down the back of his radiator, or the hair removal cream I could have squirted in his shampoo bottle!

I was semi-tempted to leave his front door open when I left, but he shared the house with a friend who was away for the weekend, so I decided against it!

Before I left I did read a card on the mantlepiece which appeared to be from his sister, saying "sorry you're having such bad luck dating, chin up"! Makes me wonder what bullshit he'd spouted to her, or who'd wronged him so badly he decided to take it out on me?! He told me he'd only met up for coffee with a couple people prior to our date! Lying dickhead!

teamcupcake Thu 02-Jan-14 19:05:55

OMG! That is about the worst online dating story I've ever read. What a nasty and cruel piece of work that man is! Poor you, OP. That must've been horrendous. I can't even imagine angry.

Sorry, not much of a useful comment, but I hope you don't give up as you sound lovely (with an intact sense of humour).

chateauferret Thu 02-Jan-14 19:11:12

I hope you dialled the Speaking Clock in Australia from his landline and left it off the hook before you left.

Thetallesttower Thu 02-Jan-14 19:12:50

I agree with everyone, I've met a few players in my time, and heard stories from friends, but that's BAD, he's horrible.

He didn't even need all that elaborate stuff, he could have just texted saying let yourself out and then at a later time just agreed not to meet up again.

I have started to think of online dating as fantasy dating, it's just not real, all those cosy chats online or on the phone don't let you see the person and I think it can be harder to tell if they are stringing you along- that's why most people do say meet up pretty quickly if possible, although with a 100 mile distance.

Who would do this? Your only comfort can be that he's an utter twat and clearly won't be a great catch for anyone, as if he is this callous and unfeeling towards someone he was chatting to and bonded with for a month, then he's just not a nice person.

You need to keep your chin up, not him. OOOOh, I feel annoyed on your behalf.

Aussiemum78 Thu 02-Jan-14 19:15:13

Twit could be a thing. A place to post feedback and wanky profiles.

Any web design people out there?

rainbowfeet Thu 02-Jan-14 19:20:44

Goodness me I've come across some twunts through online dating but this guy takes the biscuit.. What a nasty user!! Hope for him what goes around comes around & someone breaks his heart & stamps on it in the future!! angry

I hope you can see this guy is the one with the problem & you were just duped by him.. Please move on & try not to let him put a dampner on future happiness!!

Only1scoop Thu 02-Jan-14 19:21:32

Op you sound so lovely, and have managed to keep a sense of humour about the whole important. I had some shocking Internet dates (funny now) before meeting Dp (same site as you). It's like sifting through a 'shop of horrors' looking at all their mug shots popping up on those sites....
I'm glad you are reassured there is no explanation other than the fact this guy is a prize Knob jockey.
Take care x

Twinklestein Thu 02-Jan-14 19:23:16

This isn't even just player behaviour though, it's quite mad.

He's obviously a total nutjob.

MasterP0 Thu 02-Jan-14 19:29:46

Carouselle I wish you could name and shame, I so want to teach him a lesson! I'm so angry on your behalf! What a NASTY HORRID HUMAN BEING, WASTE OF SKIN, GOD FARTED AND POOF THERE HE WAS!!!!

BitOutOfPractice Thu 02-Jan-14 19:46:28

Oh good god! I've read some online nightmares before and had a couple myself but that realy does take the fucking business!

Glad you can laugh now but sheesh it's just awful!

There are lovely men online. Lick your wounds and get back to it!

nopanicandverylittleanxiety Thu 02-Jan-14 19:48:37

I agree with the previous posters. He is a nasty bastard.

I'm loving the idea of a no 2 in his bed. He would have deserved it.

carouselle Thu 02-Jan-14 19:54:13

There was a moldy container of food in his fridge, apparently belonging to his housemate - right now I'm picturing how great that would have looked smeared all over his bed!!

handfulofcottonbuds Thu 02-Jan-14 19:56:49

You kept your dignity intact, he is worthless. There will be somebody special for you out there.

ThisSucks Thu 02-Jan-14 20:01:10

Urgh what an utter gobshite! My friend was telling me she met a similar guy on Plentyoffish. They went out, had a great day together, and went back to his. They were kissing and cuddling on the sofa when he suddenly umped up and yelled in her face to get out!! She couldn't understand it and was really shaken. Another guy she met, she spent the night with, and woke the next morning to see him pointing a gun at her face and accusing her of rifling through one of his bags and stealing money!!!!! She was wearing nothing - just a sheet - but luckily his flatmate got her out and kept her safe. FREAKS!!

carouselle Thu 02-Jan-14 20:09:54

Bloody hell ThisSucks your poor friend - those stories are even worse than mine!!

Just read a news headline that today apparently is the busiest web dating day of the year - I certainly won't be logging in for a while...

ThisSucks Thu 02-Jan-14 20:24:52

Carouselle my friend was definitely put off for a while...she was wondering what was wrong with HER, when in fact she is BRILLIANT - gorgeous, funny, adventurous, clever...She just was unlucky enough to meet freaks. But I think it definitely made her question her personality/character/nature when before she had been so confident. I do think the weirdo you were unlucky to meet sounds very calculated and cruel, in a way hers were not. You definitely had a lucky escape. xx

powpow80 Fri 03-Jan-14 09:41:45

Carouselle OD can be a bit of a minefield all right. One can only hope to meet someone who doesn't play games or is a complete twunt!

Someone I know had been on a few dates with a guy. Invited her and a friend back for a few drinks with him and his friend. They were in the living room chatting and a girl in pjs came down the stairs asking who they were. He pretended my friend was back with his friend. My friend was like wtf? The girl was his live in long term gf. Beggars belief.

mammadiggingdeep Fri 03-Jan-14 10:05:29

A friend of mine invited an on line date back to her flat- he took her car keys and nicked her car!!!

Dazoo Fri 03-Jan-14 11:44:38

Jesus, what a cunt.
Only thing I'd add to what others have said is that with OD you should never emotionally invest much until you've actually met someone. I think he's probably just quite simply a serial shagger who plays up to prospective dates in order to get a guaranteed result.

You seem to be managing it very well.

I have a worse story though. Not mine. Girl at work (and yes I found out because I am responsible for the laptops) had a similar experience except they went back to hers. Lovely evening and then, as I expect you've already guessed, the next morning he brought her coffee saying he had to get to work but would see her later. Laptop disappeared with him.

Dazoo Fri 03-Jan-14 11:45:40

Those last two posted while I was writing are possibly worse.

carouselle Fri 03-Jan-14 12:29:59

I'm just reading over his profile dating again, and laughing at the irony: "I am looking to meet my soulmate..not interested in flings i am looking for someone to share my life with" and "I am a very loving, caring man who cannot seem to find the right women to make me happy."

Oh pur-lease!

FunkyBoldRibena Fri 03-Jan-14 12:34:37

Wait for a month and text him
'have you not found 'it' yet lolz'.

Reindeerfromhell Fri 03-Jan-14 13:51:02

Just read this open-mouthed. Poor OP. So sorry about your partner in 2012.
In amongst the dross there are some gold stars. I met my DP 3 weeks after dating a wanker (not as bad as this one) when I wasn't looking for anyone. The wanker kissed me so hard I had bruises round my mouth. I echo the advice to try and meet them in person as soon as is viably possible so there is not too much emotional investment made in advance. And obviously the usual precautions of letting a friend know where you are going and with whom.

CosyTeaBags Fri 03-Jan-14 14:11:46

Wait for a month and text him 'have you not found 'it' yet lolz' grin

OP his profile sounds a little 'over the top' "I am a very loving, caring man who cannot seem to find the right women to make me happy" - Puke. Of course, it's easy to see that with hindsight - but to me that over the top flowery language is a red flag.

Good luck, don't let it put you off. Just consider it a good lesson learned, onwards and upwards.

JeanSeberg Fri 03-Jan-14 14:25:12

Sorry you've been through this.

Perhaps now would be a good time to review your OD strategy.

Chat to several blokes at once, a few messages online to ascertain whether you've got a few things in common. Send out loads of messages to all those who appeal, something short but personalised Eg "Hi I'm XXX, Really enjoyed reading your profile, good to come across someone else who is interested in XXX! How was your Christmas and New Year and how is the dating going?"

Then when you've exchanged a few messages and feel that you have a few things in common/similar outlook, suggest meeting up.

Some of them will disappear at that point.

Which will leave a couple left, one or two of which you might actually get to meet in the 'real world'.

Keep the first date to a day-time coffee to see if it's worth arranging a proper date at a later stage.

Depending on how much free time you have, no more than a couple of weeks' max between the first email and meeting. And keep the chat short but sweet before you meet up, quick chat on the phone perhaps but don't get drawn into anything emotional.

Allofaflumble Fri 03-Jan-14 14:39:38

OP this is completely horrible. I will come to the nunnery with you.

Fairystepsthought Fri 03-Jan-14 17:44:46

carouselle I thought about this over night and discussed with a friend -we've both been in this position - my advice is don't give up - meet quickly otherwise you will feel like you're already in a relationship with them - conjuring up mr Darcy or similar in your head! Don't give that idiot another second of your life. Be positive there are some great guys out there - I know - been there done that - married with ds now 18 months and dd due in feb. Good luck! X

powpow80 Fri 03-Jan-14 18:15:42

I second the meeting up quickly. It is easy to get carried away when chatting online or on the phone. Been there, done that and learned the lesson. I tend to meet people quite quickly. That way you can see if there's anything there in real life.

JeanSeberg Fri 03-Jan-14 18:34:09

There was a similar thread recently from a woman who slept with the guy on the first date and was hoping for more that never materialised. Ok the guy wasn't in this league but it's a risk you take with a one-night stand.

Varya Fri 03-Jan-14 18:45:04

Cleaning under the toilet rim with his toothbrush is too good for this moron. Better luck next time, hopefully. Varya XX

HanselandGretel Fri 03-Jan-14 19:05:04

I totally agree with others, meet up as soon as possible, then there is no chance of developing this false intimacy beforehand. Just have a coffee, get to know them a bit, not saying he wouldn't have been a complete shit a few dates down the line and done the same thing but it would have been harder for him to maintain the facade.
This guys behaviour was unbelievably rude and frankly sounds a bit unbalanced, you had a lucky escape.

MirandaIV Mon 28-Apr-14 22:37:40

I've recently started online dating and met four men. Three very nice and normal but not attractive to me and one who I saw twice but decided he was too controlling. They were all from Match, so I would recommend it. I would add though, that, call me old fashioned, but perhaps we should resolve never to spend the night at someone's house or let them back to yours on the first or even second meeting? They could be complete lunatic axe murderers. It's not the same as when someone is local and is in your social circle or you know of them. Please please be careful girls. Xx (motherly advice from older single smile

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