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Discovered husband's affair just before Xmas, my life is ruined

(117 Posts)
QuiteSo Thu 02-Jan-14 12:47:02

After various suspicious incidents, all of which he denied, I found all the messages on his phone. Turned out he has been shagging a young colleague for months. I feel so bloody stupid. Have 2 DC of primary age who love their dad and don't understand why I'm angry. He says he knew it was wrong but it felt great.
I feel like I'm staring at the wreckage of the life I thought I had. Have been sobbing and not eating.

NewJerseyHousewife Thu 02-Jan-14 12:48:18


DrNick Thu 02-Jan-14 12:48:51

How are things financially - Could you just up sticks and go?

NewJerseyHousewife Thu 02-Jan-14 12:49:09

LTB was not for the affair it was for "it felt great"

RhondaJean Thu 02-Jan-14 12:50:16

Your life isn't ruined. I promise.

It's taking a turn you didn't expect but you will get through.

CarryOnDancing Thu 02-Jan-14 12:51:24

My goodness, how horrendous! There will be some people along with good practical advise soon but just wanted to come a hand hold until they arrive.

I'm so sorry you are faced with this. It's not surprising you are hurt and angry. Is he still in the family home?

I'm shocked to hear he said it felt great. Wth is that about!?!

You just need to do whatever is best for you and your DC right now, you can't factor him in anything.

I assume this is the end? Have you got savings or can you access joint savings in case things turn sour quickly?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 12:51:26

I'm sorry you've had such a nasty shock and agree that 'it felt great' must have added insult to injury. I do hope you've told him to go.

QuiteSo Thu 02-Jan-14 12:52:04

Financially I'm dependent on him. I work part time. I have a solicitor's appointment next week to see what I'd be entitled to.
I feel like a total fool for not realising sooner.
He blames me for being too focused on the kids.

PeterParkerSays Thu 02-Jan-14 12:53:04

"He says he knew it was wrong but it felt great." God for him, he gets to do it all the time now doesn't he? hmm

Please start eating again - you'll need the energy to care for your children. Tell them that you're angry because daddy no longer wants to be with you as a family, but lied to you about that.

You don't have a wreckage of a life - you have you and your children, consider him to be damaged goods that you're chucking overboard.

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts Thu 02-Jan-14 12:54:03

sure he does the cunt - he sticks his cock in another person and its your fault?

get access to bank accounts and start getting your hands on what you an would be my advice

do you own or rent?

NewJerseyHousewife Thu 02-Jan-14 12:54:04

And he blames you as well.

Good for you organising the solicitor appointment.

What does he earn? How long is the marriage? How much mortgage left on the marital home?

mammadiggingdeep Thu 02-Jan-14 12:54:50

Have you told anyone in rl? It helps.

In my experience And from what others on here say, it helps to ask them to leave (if only for a while).

You can clear your head and wait til you feel a little more settled before making any decisions.

Whatever happens don't try to brush it under the carpet- he needs to feel the consequences. By his hurtful comment 'it felt great' he doesn't get how devastating this is for you.


CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts Thu 02-Jan-14 12:55:21

im of the view that if either person fucks another person, they aren't screwing over their partner, they are devastating their children

perhaps he should have been MORE focused on his children instead of his dick

Offred Thu 02-Jan-14 12:56:01

How awful... He blames you for being too focused on the kids!!! How awful of him on top of the "it felt great" and the affair...

I'm sure it isn't much comfort to be allocating blame just now but you know it is him entirely to blame for being too focused on his own feelings?

I'm glad you have an appointment for practical advice. Do you have emotional support?

mammadiggingdeep Thu 02-Jan-14 12:56:35

Ok- good, you're taking action to ltb.

Him blaming you for being too focused on the kids makes him a total cock.

Do try to eat little and often- it helps

oldgrandmama Thu 02-Jan-14 12:57:18

What a nasty arse. Listen, dear OP, I've been there ... unfortunately, I stuck out the marriage, due to his wailing and pleading, and it did NO favours to my mental and physical health. He carried on screwing around and held it over me that if I left, he'd make sure I got no financial support for our two young kids (the nasty pig). This was back in the 1970s. Times have changed, thank god.

Good that you're seeing the solicitor. And as for the arse blaming you on being 'too focused on the kids' ... words fail me. He's a pathetic dick and frankly, I reckon you'll be well rid.

throckenholt Thu 02-Jan-14 12:59:26

He blames me for being too focused on the kids.

His problem - not yours. Trying to blame your for his idiocy.

Your life isn't ruined.

You life is going to be different from what you had envisaged - but it doesn't have to be ruined. I am presuming you don't want him to stay with you ?

Tell him - he screwed up big time - and for the sake of the kids he needs to keep what is in the future as amicable as possible. But for yourself - you don't need to have any consideration for him - he has demonstrated he doesn't have any for you - so make the best you can of it for you and the children.

Be kind to yourself - it is going to be tough going for a while, whatever you decide to do.

QuiteSo Thu 02-Jan-14 13:01:29

He said he'd been unhappy in our marriage for ages but this other woman made him happy. Now he says he wants 50:50 custody of the kids. This from a man who made no time for them but had plenty of time to conduct an affair including fake business trips and fake nights out with the lads and fake "going out jogging". I'm such an idiot, but it was all so plausible.

Buzzardbird Thu 02-Jan-14 13:03:41

Try the 'Entitledto' website OP, it will give you a head start on what help you will be able to receive and then you can use your valuable time with the solicitor to sort the other stuff how much each of his 'great' shags is going to cost him.

You need to realise that he did this to your marriage, not you. As a parent your job is to put your DC's first, you managed it, he didn't.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 02-Jan-14 13:04:48

So sorry sad

How dare this selfish arse blame you for his entitled and weak actions - I bet he didn't put much energy into you or the marriage. Its always the one who invest the least in the marriage who has the affair.

The affair is just an ego boost - hence his "it felt great" comment. I still don't get why these men put their ego before family and marriage.

Please get RL support - you will need it during the coming months whatever happens.

Offred Thu 02-Jan-14 13:05:56

He won't get 50:50. There is a presumption against that, although it is becoming more common due to the influence of American family law. What is usual is the court would look at what is in the interests of and the welfare of the children.

If you are currently working part-time around primary school hours it is likely you will get the main care (and the house) and he will get access.

Buzzardbird Thu 02-Jan-14 13:06:29

50:50 sounds great, then maybe you will have time to go out and get some 'great' sex too? hmm He will of course have far less time for it and his bit of fluff won't exactly be so excited about sharing him. Ha Ha!

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 13:07:32

He may be a truly lousy husband and a liar etc but he can still be a good (but separate) father. 50:50 parenting is pretty normal and workable and, even though it feels unfair from where you're standing, the DCs can still have a good relationship with him in the future.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 02-Jan-14 13:08:12

As for the 50;50 child access - you will need time and space to rebuild your own life and the DC deserve a relationship with their father. Remember 50:50 means half the school holidays as well as half the working week and often men give up on the idea when they realise this.

picnicbasketcase Thu 02-Jan-14 13:08:52

It's your fault for being a good mum and it felt great??


DanceWithAStranger Thu 02-Jan-14 13:13:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuiteSo Thu 02-Jan-14 13:14:29

I just don't understand why he did this to me and the kids. He says it is all my fault for neglecting our marriage in favour of the kids. Of course the OW is younger and has no kids so she has all the time in the world to devote to him, forgetting the small detail that he is married.
Our living situation is complex in that we rent a house and also own a new build house which is not yet ready to move into. I had been looking forward to moving into it, decorating it etc. and now this.

bragmatic Thu 02-Jan-14 13:19:07

The "you didn't may me enough attention" thing enrages me. Seriously, it makes me see red.

QuiteSo Thu 02-Jan-14 13:19:50

Regarding custody, I live in another European country and it is unlikely that he would get 50:50. The standard here seems to be every other weekend plus half the school holidays. So now he's saying I want to take the kids away from him. When in fact he was rarely at home anyway.

NewJerseyHousewife Thu 02-Jan-14 13:20:34

I agree say yes to 50/50 and the children will need a year to get used to the new set up before he introduces the ow, he won't last long with that history looking after them on his own.

AliceinWinterWonderland Thu 02-Jan-14 13:21:47

He says it is all my fault for neglecting our marriage in favour of the kids. Of course the OW is younger and has no kids so she has all the time in the world to devote to him, forgetting the small detail that he is married.

Karma. Seriously. If he has the DCs 50:50, then HE will have to neglect his OW, which means she will then be upset that he is neglecting her and she will look elsewhere. Oh, the irony.

He's not good enough for you. Now you can find someone that is.

NewJerseyHousewife Thu 02-Jan-14 13:22:09

He like many who cheat, he isn't to blame for his own behaviour, he has an entitled attitude and he lives in a fantasy land that twists reality.

stickysausages Thu 02-Jan-14 13:25:17

I'm so sorry sad Hope your appointment goes well & you can start to rebuild a new life.

QuiteSo Thu 02-Jan-14 13:26:49

There's no way he would get equal custody, he works sixty hours a week and until I found out about the affair he was out several nights a week supposedly seeing work mates but in fact shagging OW.

BalloonSlayer Thu 02-Jan-14 13:29:04

"So now he's saying I want to take the kids away from him."


If you've decided to fuck someone else - you've decided to end your marriage. If you've decided to end your marriage you have decided to upset your children and see them a lot less.

JoinYourPlayfellows Thu 02-Jan-14 13:30:24

"I just don't understand why he did this to me and the kids."

Because he's a selfish prick.

You and your children are not people to him, you're just objects that he picks up and throws down as he pleases.

You can see this in his childish insistence of getting half of what's "his" (the children's time) despite having been an uninvolved father until now.

And there is no reason to believe that he's going to stop being a selfish, self-serving wanker and suddenly become a good father.

It doesn't sound like he's capable of being a good anything.

WeAreDetective Thu 02-Jan-14 13:30:37

Please, please don't buy into this idea that somehow this is all your fault. It's entirely his own fault for being worthless, faithless prick who cannot keep the commitment he made to both you and his kids.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 13:31:11

"I just don't understand why he did this to me and the kids. "

He didn't do anything 'to' you. I have no doubt that you and the kids never even crossed his mind. He fancied a shag and hang the consequences.... selfish, impulsive, reckless. Naturally he can't admit that because it would mean taking some responsibility for his actions. Has to come up with these ridiculous excuses to throw the blame on everyone else.

NewJerseyHousewife Thu 02-Jan-14 13:32:07

The thing is get your solicitor to write to him and tell him he can have the children Saturday from 6pm until Monday at 12 noon. That you don't want him introducing the ow to the dc until a years time to give them time to get used to the new set up. Watch him backtrack.

Have you heard of transference?

He is trying to take the children from you, he was distracted from the family with his ow, he is blaming you for his behaviour and trying to justify being a cheating arse.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Thu 02-Jan-14 13:33:20

To be honest it sounds like you will be a lot better off without him.

Try not to engage with him if you can help it. How old are your children? Do you have any real life support?

Keep strong sweetheart, this too shall pass.

WeAreDetective Thu 02-Jan-14 13:35:02

Good luck with the appointment. It's really really important to protect yourself financially against someone who has already shown himself capable of lashing out/showing no remorse in the face of his own deceit.

It's a fair bet, in my mind, that the novelty of OW will wear off when she becomes part of his everyday life and is no longer the risky/exciting fun times

QuiteSo Thu 02-Jan-14 13:35:34

Another awful thing was that the OW knew what he was doing every day as he wrote to her saying he had just dropped off the kids at swimming, was just going to the shops and would have time later. He even fucked her on our daughter's 6th birthday.

NewJerseyHousewife Thu 02-Jan-14 13:38:16

Of course, if she knew he was a mm, she didn't and never will give a care about you and the children, it is all about her and your dh, she wants your life, let her have it, it sounds like hard lonely work.

NewJerseyHousewife Thu 02-Jan-14 13:40:25

The ow in our case went on to marry exh. I know quite a bit about her and their life, sadly, don't want to know. She is full of life is great look on the bright side all the time. When you look through to the reality her life is worse than it was for me as his wife. I know he was cheating on her from the beginning with her friends too. Let her have what she wants.

Bonsoir Thu 02-Jan-14 13:41:21

You don't say which country you are in. If you are in France, your STBXH may well get 50:50 if he asks for it and sets up home in such a way that it is enabled (living within catchment of your DCs' school). So be careful about not fighting it.

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts Thu 02-Jan-14 13:41:37

how does he propose 50:50 access if he works 60 hours a week? taking emotion out of it - it doesn't seem practicle even if your countries rules don't favour this option.

if he cared about them that much perhaps he should have kept it in his pants - would be my response to him

sad about your new home

JeanSeberg Thu 02-Jan-14 13:41:51

Have you asked him to move out? It must be torture having him in the family home.

So sorry your year is starting like this but it can only improve and you will get a lot of support on here.

Regarding the new build, when will that be ready to move into? That could be the new family home for you and the children.

Shame you can't see a solicitor until next week, is no one available tomorrow?

QuiteSo Thu 02-Jan-14 13:41:59

Yes, she knew he was married and had kids. I sent her a text saying I knew all about the affair and that I hoped she was proud of herself for wrecking a family for the sake of a few sleazy shags. Needless to say she didn't reply.

how awful. sorry to hear you are going through this.

NewJerseyHousewife Thu 02-Jan-14 13:45:15

She will be on to the phone to her friends/family that are interested in this sick game your ex and the ow have going on and your dh being the victim of his evil exwife, they will all be so very excited and thrilled by the drama of it all, don't give her anymore OP.

QuiteSo Thu 02-Jan-14 13:46:00

Bonsoir, I'm not in France. 50:50 custody would be rare (unless both parents wanted it) and as other have pointed out, totally unfeasible because he works such long hours.

DrNick Thu 02-Jan-14 13:46:07

yes i bet you " don't understand him"

Offred Thu 02-Jan-14 13:47:19

I'm pretty opposed to 50:50 in principle tbh I think what it does is prioritise the parents' desire to be equally involved over the children's needs to have a stable home. I don't think you can have a stable home with a 50:50 arrangement, what you have is children who don't have any home at all and are living out of a suitcase.

Bonsoir Thu 02-Jan-14 13:48:02

I don't think that long hours per se make 50:50 unfeasible. The issue is whether there is somebody to look after the DC when they are at their father's home.

But definitely, if it isn't what you want, fight it like the plague!

Bonsoir Thu 02-Jan-14 13:49:31

Having lived with my DSSs doing 50:50 for many years, I disagree that it isn't sometimes in the DCs' best interest. It clearly was in my DSSs' case. However, these things evolve and in my DSSs' case the evolution was to move in FT with DP and me.

HorsePetal Thu 02-Jan-14 13:49:48

That is terrible OP - what a shock. He has really shown his true colours.

Good luck with your solicitors appointment - keep talking to us.

Have you told people in RL? Where are your family based - in the UK or in the country you are living in?

I'm so angry on your behalf OP. Just as previous poster said - how about spending more time with his kids instead of with OW? And he had a tongue in his head. He could have expressed his bullshit concerns, rather than fucking her.

Don't believe a word of his poison. He's just a twat having a midlife crisis.

Ensure you draft a sample 50:50 arrangement which includes school runs, swimming lessons and other mundane running around & then watch piggy squeal. OW is going to love washing his pants, cooking his tea and listening to him moan.

AskBasil Thu 02-Jan-14 13:50:40

Sounds like in a very indirect way he has done you a massive favour, because frankly, he is a vile person.

Your life is not ruined. It is the very painful beginning of having a better life without this selfish, nasty piece of work in your bed and in your home.

But it's painful to go through, so brew. You will be OK, tell your RL friends, get support, don't listen to any of the nonsense he's talking and remember that this is not your fault, he chose to not function as a husband and father because he was surprised and irritated to find that it's different from being a young single bachelor. hmm

QuiteSo Thu 02-Jan-14 13:51:46

I will clarify the custody issue with the solicitor next week. I just feel terrible about having to throw ten years of marriage down the drain for a few cheap thrills. sad

Bonsoir Thu 02-Jan-14 13:53:07

If you feel strong enough, taking the upper hand and drafting an agreement to which your STBXH will be party for bringing up your DC may make him come to his senses.

Offred Thu 02-Jan-14 13:55:11

Hmm... I really would advise against using the dc to teach him a lesson. They are not pawns in a game. You shouldn't build their expectations to try and trap him into letting them down.

You'll need to try and assert what is in their best interests and fight for it given he will likely be an arse about things I would say. I doubt in your case, or in any but the very rarest case, 50:50 would be in their best interest. It seems it would be radically different from their current life.

QuiteSo Thu 02-Jan-14 13:56:11

My family are mostly in the UK, but they are 100% behind me. I feel so ashamed about the whole thing, and angry, and sad.

AskBasil Thu 02-Jan-14 13:57:56

QuiteSo you're not throwing 10 years of marriage down the drain, he is.

Also, it's not that much to throw away is it? You have been married to a man who is so selfish that he actually blames you for his disloyalty and adultery because you didn't pay him more attention than your children. The staggering self-centredness of that makes him sound like one of the least desirable men in Europe, sorry.

WeAreDetective Thu 02-Jan-14 13:59:43

Offred is absolutely correct. It's seems important to me to always look to do what is in the best interest of your children and you.

Revenge can have a nasty way of back firing. And I found that, in the end, the best revenge was to show that I could get on with my life and thrive.

Offred Thu 02-Jan-14 13:59:43

Don't feel ashamed sad

It's him who should be ashamed...

AskBasil Thu 02-Jan-14 13:59:47

You have nothing to feel ashamed of.

You've done nothing wrong.

If he genuinely had a problem with your relationship, he could have spoken to you about it.

Instead he chose to have sex with someone else and then blame you for that sex instead of taking responsibility for his own actions.

If anyone should feel ashamed it's him, but he sounds completely shameless and entitled tbh.

WeAreDetective Thu 02-Jan-14 14:01:35

All you have done is trust a man who made a commitment to you and the family you share. There is no shame in that. You are not responsible for his lousy behaviour! If we could never trust anyone, this would be an awful world to live in.

AliceinWinterWonderland Thu 02-Jan-14 14:07:38

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. This is HIS fault, not yours.

maleview70 Thu 02-Jan-14 14:23:55

You haven't really said what the aftermath of the discovery is. Does he want out too? Is he begging forgiveness?
What do you want?

For some people, an affair is something that you can't come back from and a split is therefore the only option. It was for me when my wife had an affair and I'll be honest, my life has improved since we split so it was a good decision. I was financially independent though so could move on without monetary worries.

For others, an affair is the end result of a marriage that wasn't going as it perhaps should have been. While it was
My wife who had the affair, I admit that I was part of the issue that led to this. It took me a while to realise that though and I have tried to avoid this again in subsequent relationships. An affair is never right but some
People do forgive and try to rebuild their marriage. It will only of course work if both parties want this and the person having the affair takes every step neccesary to start to rebuild trust etc....

Either way it is not always a case of LTB straight away. Or some it is, for others it isn't that simple.

I would follow what others often suggest and ask him to move out for a while (assuming he is asking for forgiveness) while you take some time to come to terms with this change in your life.

If after that you do not want to consider rebuilding then take steps to split and make a new life for yourself and your children.

I do agree with others though that his comments and other actions are not to be forgiven easily.

AuntieStella Thu 02-Jan-14 14:25:09

Weirdly, I think at his attitude will, in the long run, make it easier for you. He is being honest about what a shit he is - not minimising or evading. And his risible attempt to make it your 'fault' is so blatant that it shows he has no interest whatsoever in reconciliation.

That diosn't make it any easier right now though, other than show you that when you emerge from first shock there is only one way ahead and it isn't with him.

BusWanker Thu 02-Jan-14 14:42:16

He had a affair, he felt 'great'.
He won't feel that way for long.
It wont be easy but in a short while you will truly feel great. But without hurting anyone in the process.
You and you children will be happier and although your lives might be different than what you planned they will be better.

QuiteSo Thu 02-Jan-14 14:50:31

Maleview70, he's not begging for forgiveness. When I discovered all the messages (in the middle of the night, after he'd crawled into bed after a night with OW), it was a mixture of "oh no, I've been found out" and "I'm relieved it's finally come out." At the time I told him to pack his bags and leave but he said he didn't ever want to leave the kids.
Since then he's been trying to play superdad (perhaps upon realising the implications of his actions) and has supposedly told OW it can't go on like this. But I imagine if he left he could resume things with her.

lillil5 Thu 02-Jan-14 15:04:01

Glad I am not the only one............ discovered husband affair just before Christmas played happy families for sake of three kids then threw him out on 28th .......thinking he would be back .......but he has decided that he does not want to come back and that our 12 year marriage and three children are not as important as his own happiness in a deep dark hole right now and do not know where to turn x

maleview70 Thu 02-Jan-14 15:15:55

It's not his choice then if he isn't even sorry.

He will have to get used to the idea of not being with the kids although for someone who works 60hrs a week I'm no sure he would really miss them much anyway.

He can play Superdad from afar.....

What do you want? Gut feeling? Kick out or try to salvage?

GlitzAndGiggles Thu 02-Jan-14 15:16:54

Ugh how dare he try and blame you! "Too focused on the kids"...just..angry

HowAboutNo Thu 02-Jan-14 15:25:52

Just wanted to say that I'm sorry this is happening to you, and that you and your children are going to be so much better off without him living with you. Of course they'll still see their dad, but they'll grow to see him for who he really is.

I sometimes think that people who have affairs will never be truly happy. I suspect your H is the same. The "it felt great" comment just shows how he's doing what feels good in the moment, but those moments never last. Then it'll be something else or someone else he needs to feel "great". This is painful as all hell for you, but at least you can rebuild your life knowing that you are a decent, kind and loving human being, which is worth far more than the love of this man.

QuiteSo Thu 02-Jan-14 15:27:47

He's making me second guess my commitment to the kids. I remember consciously wanting to put them first, especially Dc2 who was slightly premature and ill a lot in the first couple of years. Now he's saying that ruined our marriage.

HowAboutNo Thu 02-Jan-14 15:29:28

Perhaps he should be second-guessing his commitment to your kids. Don't do this to yourself OP - you have been a wonderful mother, and he has been who is really is. Nothing you could've done to change that. Please don't be hard on yourself. He's the bastard.

Pilgit Thu 02-Jan-14 15:30:17

These situations always seem to follow a script. I feel for you op. Marriage break downs are rarely all 1 1parties fault but having the affair was not your fault. His choice completely. You have no reason to be or feel ashamed. Hold your head high and make him realise what he has thrown away.

HowAboutNo Thu 02-Jan-14 15:31:20

Oh and also, how very dare your DC2 be ILL! angry What kind of a man says that your commitment to your child who NEEDS you is what killed your relationship? Him cheating killed it. What an absolute piece of shit, that is so shameful.

Yes2014 Thu 02-Jan-14 15:34:48

quiteso so sorry, the man is unspeakable- what awful things he has said, vile. No advice, but fingers crossed at the solicitors.
offred you're entitled to air your views, but as a 50:50 parent myself, who had to leave the family home, I found what you said extremely offensive to parents in this position, but that's beside the point of this thread so I'll leave it there.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Thu 02-Jan-14 15:36:31

I hope you were focussed on your kids. They are small. They need you to look after them. If you neglected them to look after that twat then you would have something to feel ashamed about. Did you? Of course NOT therefor you have nothing to feel ashamed about.

You did nothing wrong.

You aren't throwing anything away. You don't have what you thought you had to throw away.

Saying it was great has to be one of the most unbelievable that he could be so hurtful things a cheating husband could say.

NearTheWindmill Thu 02-Jan-14 15:39:47

I can't really offer practical advice OP but I have two friends this has happened to.

Friend one - years ago - the children were 5 and 3 and he upped and left for ow because he was bored. He saw the DC (both at uni now) every weekend until they no longer wanted to go - probably about 12/14. My friend finally realised it wasn't her fault when he did precisely the same thing to wife no 2. She's a successful headmistress who never would have worked full time and got to that position if he hadn't left her. She also remarried about six or seven years ago - a fellow head teacher and is very very happy and very secure now. Her first husband is skint and pretty much washed up as wife no 3 kicked him out after a few years.

Friend two - exact same timing as you but with slightly older children. She was absolutely devastated. Over twelve months though, she is her own woman, she is still finding things hard but friends and local communities have rallied around and supported her - not him. She is looking great and she is becoming the person we all remember from before he ground her down. He said some things similar to what your dh has said - everyone thinks he has been incredibly stupid and will have to cover some ground to get a wife as decent and honest and good as the one he has left. The spice might have gone, but that happens after years of marriage and should be replaced with something deeper if the relationship is right.

I'm really sorry and you are in the depths at the moment, but they won't last forever and may well prove to be the catalyst that makes your life better over the long term.


BusWanker Thu 02-Jan-14 15:41:18

I remember consciously wanting to put them first, especially Dc2 who was slightly premature and ill a lot in the first couple of years.
Of course you did, your lovely prem poorly baby, of course you put the children first.
A man worth anything would want you to do this, and respect you for looking after his children.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Thu 02-Jan-14 15:44:36

Everybody puts their kids first, normally both people in the relationship do.

lillil5 so sorry to hear you are also going through this crap. sad

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 02-Jan-14 16:02:00

He is following the cheater's script.

Using the fact that you were being a committed loving mum to sick DC to justify his selfish cheating behaviour is plain nasty as well as scraping the bottom of the barrel angry

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 02-Jan-14 16:02:51

A real man would have supported you and helped out with the DC by taking a full role in parenting them.

elastamum Thu 02-Jan-14 16:12:44

OP, sorry this is happening to you. Agree with Choc re the script, what he is doing is sadly par for the course for cheating husbands. Remeber. its not you its definately him. The most painful thing is when they re write the history of your relationship to justify their unforgivable actions:

See thread below and countless others sad

Allergictoironing Thu 02-Jan-14 16:19:56

On a slightly lighter note, when he reiterates his desire for a 50:50 residency for the DCs do as Lastonedancing suggested earlier - make a list of every single thing that needs to be done. Things that I can almost guarantee he will have forgotten about (or think the "housework fairy" does) include:

Cooking suitable food for DCs, at suitable times (NOT dinner at 9pm!)
Washing up
Washing and drying clothing - children get through a LOT more than he will realise
Washing & drying bed linen, towels etc.
Clothing repair/replacement
Overseeing bathroom & bedtimes
Making sure DCs have everything they need ready for school each day

I remember when my dsis & her exh agreed to do the 50:50 thing; each weekly changeover her DS would come home in dirty & creased (often damaged) clothing, she would send him off the following week looking pristine then he would come back again very unkempt. So she ended up doing all the washing, ironing & repairs/replacements etc.

Lilly3000 Thu 02-Jan-14 16:25:21

Big hug to lillill5 and to you OP. The shock is like a gut punch isn't it? You're not alone though, and MN is testament to that. Everyone has a different story. I remember my own DH saying it felt great, but more in a 'heat of the moment' way.I wouldn't read too much into that. If the thrill of an affair isn't a buzz, then why start at all? But when it's out in the open, that shiny penny tarnishes pretty quickly. I've come to believe that it's rarely about the wonderful qualities of the OW at all - the thrill is the thing. It sounds like he actually wants to hurt you for not paying him enough attention. It's what happens next that counts. We are still together, after a lot of counselling and soul searching, but for others there is only one way and that's the exit.

Listen, because this bit is really important: only the people having the affair are at fault. You cannot drive someone to an affair - it's a choice. People struggle along in terrible relationships without choosing to have affairs. It's a low-down, rat-fink shitty thing to do by any standards. He made the choice, and now it's your turn to make choices for you and your children. Oh, and putting your children first is perfectly normal by the way.If one of the parents isn't doing their fair share, the other has to compensate, leading to these sorts of accusations. Don't waste one second feeling guilty - not one second. On your 6 year old's birthday?!!! shock

Buzzardbird Thu 02-Jan-14 16:29:50

Lillil why don't you start another thread and maybe posters could help you too.

He may not be grovelling yet OP but I bet he does when reality sets in. Decide what you want. thanks

DrNick Thu 02-Jan-14 16:35:30

I am reeling that the man in the linked to thread had fake tan and eye gel

QuiteSo Thu 02-Jan-14 16:38:41

Buzzardbird, what I want is for this whole sorry mess not to have happened. And for the kids not to be facing a broken home. But I guess it's too late for that now sad

Buzzardbird Thu 02-Jan-14 16:46:14

You are right, but it is not your fault. If any of us could wave a magic wand for you we would...and for all the others it is happening to too. thanks

mammadiggingdeep Thu 02-Jan-14 17:13:49

Quite so...

You sound quite together despite the situation.

Don't ever, ever believe that you ruined your marriage by focussing on the dc. If he had out half the effort it must've taken to lie and slink about to see ow into you and your family it might have survived.

Don't worry about his threats of 50/50... My ex said the same thing and I was petrified. Very wise posters on here told me not to worry- that these type of scenarios start with them saying they want 50-50 and in reality it doesn't happen when they realise they have to step up.

Even if it does happen- it'll let you get your life in track and will make him face his responsibilities....which he should have been doing instead of pursuing an ow.

Lillil5.....start your own thread so that you can talk about your situation if you think it would help- sorry you're going through it. Hang in there x

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Thu 02-Jan-14 17:17:07

'It felt great' - Christ on a bucket of ballcocks, some men!

CityTiliDie Thu 02-Jan-14 19:10:05

16 years ago this happened to me.
My 'DW' of 15 years had been shagging a good friend of mine for 6 months and it was apparently my fault for being too nice to her and letting her have too much freedom!

I was devastated to the point of being suicidal but now I have been with an amazing woman for the past 14 years have an awesome DD and have never been happier.

I now know it was not my fault, I did not lose everything but gained so much more as you will too.

Time will make things so much clearer and easier. Your DC will be better for having a relaxed happy DM. I still have a good relationship with my 2DC from the first amrriage.

It made me feel better when I found out that the man she left me for later shagged her friend and left my exDW in the mire (homeless etc)

Your STBeXH will get exactly what he deserves in later life just as you will too.

Stay strong, you deserve better and you will get it.

Deathwatchbeetle Thu 02-Jan-14 19:53:29

When you separate if/when he tries to slither back in your life -after you tell him "no, eff off" don't forget to say that life without him "feels great".

JustSpeakSense Thu 02-Jan-14 20:14:38

Really sorry u are going through this OP.

You are obviously not to blame for the affair - pathetic excuse from a selfish man!

I agree with Alergictoironing about creating a list of duties to be shared 50/50 and would like to add to the list of parental duties to be shared equally:

Dentist & doctors appointments
RSVP-ing to friends birthday party invites (buying & wrapping presents, fetching and carrying to said birthday parties)
Reading & responding to school newsletters (reply slips for school trips etc)
Homework / school projects / spellings & time tables
Assisting with outfits for school plays / book day dress up etc.
Taking time off work when children are poorly
Ordering school uniforms / replacing school shoes
Suitable grocery shopping to provide appropriate meals
Packed lunches, PE kits, musical instruments & sports kits etc. to be packed for school

When you look at everything you do listed like that in black and white, you can see how busy you've been while he's been shagging his mistress!

Allergictoironing Thu 02-Jan-14 20:20:31

Thanks JustSpeak, I'm not & never have been a parent myself so was hoping someone else would add to my "starter for 10" list!

babycow38 Thu 02-Jan-14 22:01:59

OP, just want to give my absolute support for you. I know what you are going through, my DP had an affair in September 13, it made me suicidal. knocked every certainty i ever knew, i logged on to MN as a lifeline and it absolutely helped , keep posting, keep talking and know you are a fabulous Mum ,keeping things together, i felt like shit, he told me i neglcted him, used him and the reason he went with the OW was i was not the girl he married? since then i have moved out, got my own house, made it a lovely home for my two DD and can see the light, its took a long time coming , but the one thing i would love you to know , YOU WILL GET THERE DARLING< hang in there, look after your kids and believe me, he will be a distant memory one day xxx

divorcedtobe Thu 02-Jan-14 22:18:13

I so feel for you. What a dick. Sounds like my stbx. Especially the nights out with 'work' gym etc. mine started dying hair obsessing over clothes and image and texting/typing like mad and never let his phone leave his hand even in the middle of the night when he went for a piss. Your post made me realise that my stbx has probably being playing away too. He's got plenty of form. "

Regarding 50/50 contact do what is right for the dcs and you not what he demands. I was told I could move out and pay him maintenance and that he wasn't a coward and could look after the kids if I wasn't up to it. (He works 50h a week and goes out on the piss) Gobsmacked I was. Coming from the man who could not lift a finger without wilting and demanding a coffee and a lie down. They think they know what they're asking for but really have no clue but I don't think it's fair on the kids to knowingly let him fail them. Do you really think he can cope with the list of parental duties given above? If maybe yes and it's good for you and the kids then if that's what you want go for it. But if not then it'll only upset you more to see the kids go through more upsetting crap caused by him. Fight for what you want.

"It felt great" - how disrespectful.

babycow38 Thu 02-Jan-14 23:19:27

On the thread about Kids, please do not put them in your anger, i did that, made them choose, was a complete anger persn towards thir dad, , if i could do it again i would have kept a lovely distance , hinghtsight is a great thing xxx

sarajane231 Thu 02-Jan-14 23:50:50

Agree with Buzzard! It will be great to get the freedom to have time out on your own, and he will have to discover what its like to be a Mum himself.

He really doe sound horrible, and how awful that this happened to you at this time of year. Sending hugs xxx

BalloonSlayer Fri 03-Jan-14 08:15:03

These comments "He blames me for being too focused on the kids." and "He says it is all my fault for neglecting our marriage in favour of the kids." are hurtful and typical, but can I ask? Did he just say them or do you have this in a text or email?

If you have a hard copy so to speak you could keep it as insurance/reassurance should he decide to try for custody and start trying to say you're an unfit mother, or any of the other crap they come out with, as it totally contradicts that.

The comments also imply that he would not look after the children as well as you. He thinks that you were too focused on he children, does he? Well that's an admission that if HE had them he wouldn't be focusing on them as much as you do, and thus acknowledging he would not be as committed a parent as you.

ormirian Fri 03-Jan-14 14:33:38

"perhaps he should have been MORE focused on his children instead of his dick!

Quite. Two parents choose to bring the kids into the world, why would one of them choose to opt out and blame the other for not doing so? Twat!

shey02 Fri 03-Jan-14 18:52:52

Sorry to hear of your news. Your life is not ruined. How you can reward yourself and punish him most is picking up the pieces little by little, day by day (eating a little, sharing your story here or with friends, getting the proper legal/financial advice ...). Your life is gonna change, but you will be happy again and you and your kids will get though this. smile

As a teenager I had an affair with my married teacher. Big mess- underage sex, tears if deceit that ended in my early 20s. Basically child abuse with some adultery thrown in. But the very worst thing about all of it, I always thought, was that when it all came out and me, him and his wife were sat in a room together she asked him what the point of having sex with me had been and he said "the sex was amazing and I didn't want to stop feeling so good".

They stayed together in the end and I always felt so sad for her that he had said that because a) it showed him up for what he was- a selfish cunt and b) she had to live with the knowledge that he had enjoyed the sex.

Your husband has done very similar. I think if you've hurt someone that much already you should at least not be bragging to your wife about how "great" it felt. LTB. He is a bad man.

QuiteSo Fri 03-Jan-14 19:20:21

Thanks for all your supportive comments. I'm feeling stronger and calmer today. Less angry and more sad.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Fri 03-Jan-14 19:27:01

What an absolute wanker sad

I am so sorry he has let you down so very badly.

Tell him he made the choice not to live with his children when he started fucking someone else. End of. He has to move out, it is no longer his choice, but yours.

Upnotdown Fri 03-Jan-14 19:27:21

What an arsehole. Why on earth would he say 'it felt great' and blame you for looking after the kids. Well rid, I think.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Fri 03-Jan-14 19:29:15

Ignore all of the twatting about it being your fault re focussing on the children etc - it's what parents do. As for him blaming them - words fail me. They really do. Those comments alone would have me kicking his arse out - let alone his fucking someone else, then gloating about it FFS.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Fri 03-Jan-14 19:30:33

Please - get angry. Sad wont help you, angry will. You cannot forgive this cruel bastard, he's not even sorry ffs.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Tue 07-Jan-14 15:45:13

What Chipping has just said. Sorry you are going through this Quiteso. He is a waste of space to be sure.

morethanpotatoprints Tue 07-Jan-14 15:50:17

LTB and tell him "You know its right, and it feels brilliant". What a twat.

NigellasDealer Tue 07-Jan-14 15:54:14

thanks brew sorry i have nothing more to offer . you sound like my mum a long time ago xx

NigellasDealer Tue 07-Jan-14 15:54:48

oh and yes LTB

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