Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

If your DP started a thread on MN about you...

(82 Posts)
rpitchfo Fri 27-Dec-13 21:51:23

This section spends a lot of the time analyzing in varying degrees of detail the actions and motives of DPs.

Time for a little bit of introspection.

If your DP started a thread in MN relationships about you what would it look like?

headinhands Fri 27-Dec-13 22:07:37

AIBU to ask DW to Spend Less Time on Mumsnet.

meditrina Fri 27-Dec-13 22:13:16

Well, I think headinhands has summed it up all too accurately!

Otherwise, I would hope it might be :"I had a midlife crisis and was a total arse for several months. She had the patience to see the bigger picture and believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. Fortunately, I stopped short of the truly unforgivable. But what can I do now to show how grateful I am?"

[festive pigs flying emoticon]

FloWhite Fri 27-Dec-13 22:14:26

Could you give us an insight as to what your DP would say about you first?

Goandplay Fri 27-Dec-13 22:17:44

My DP is being unreasonable about the lack of clothes horse in the house and being sarcastic so I've called her an ugly, fat, saggy c@@t. AIBU?

Vivacia Fri 27-Dec-13 22:20:13

Might be worth looking at the OP's previous posts before deciding whether to reply to this thread.

FloWhite Fri 27-Dec-13 22:20:33

fgrin @Go

rpitchfo Fri 27-Dec-13 22:20:41

I'm still thinking about mine. I suppose a
bit of context would be we had a baby 7 months ago and I've read a lot on here about how often this completely changes the dynamics of a relationship. So I'm just trying to remain conscious of this fact and ensure i stay self aware of my own actions as we enter this new stage of our relationship. Not sure if I've summed this up right but it's something I've been thinking about a lot.

FloWhite Fri 27-Dec-13 22:21:15

Yeah, just did, Viv

meditrina Fri 27-Dec-13 22:37:35

A quick search shows that OP is a man, who has posted on a number of subjects over a couple of months.

Given the second post, I think my original second paragraph is irrelevant.

JumpingJackSprat Fri 27-Dec-13 23:10:20

What relevance is it if the op is a man?

tiamariaxxx Fri 27-Dec-13 23:13:47

I think if my hubby as to start a thread he would be complaining about my nagging and worrying about stupid things. Maybe im totally oblivious but i dont know what else he has to complain about with me haha

tiamariaxxx Fri 27-Dec-13 23:15:34

Eh just out of curiosity i didnt realise people could read other posters back threads, how could you do that? Just icase i ever fancy a nose

PrincessFlirtyPants Fri 27-Dec-13 23:19:47

Just search their name Tia

SantasPelvicFloor Fri 27-Dec-13 23:32:57

I have no idea why the OP is not allowed to ask the question Vivacia?
Your response seems extraordinary.

My DP would say My DP is too independent and holds me at arms length. She argues over who pays for everything (she wants to pay) and is determined to pay her share even though I'm in a much better position to do so than her. Why is that? Why won't she let me? And....How can I stop her being a workaholic?

(Actually writing this out has made me see I'm a leeetle obsessive about my independence)

ImaginativeNewName Fri 27-Dec-13 23:37:13

My dw asks that I occasionally come home from work and actually participate in family activities with my children / finish our building site of a house / have sex with her. Would I be unreasonable to ltb over her silly demands? Does she not understand that I am just finishing one last task that will take ten hours minutes and then I will definitely be leaving?

McPheelingUpSanta Fri 27-Dec-13 23:39:13

Mine did

He got flamed grin

<now ex>

Cleorapter Fri 27-Dec-13 23:56:16

My DP gets wound up over the stupidest things, I mean it's not a big deal if I get her to look after my son from previous relationship while I go out for the entire day and night playing games with my mates, right? Especially as I spent an entire hour with him before I went. She says I'm BU as he comes to our house as he's suppose to spend time with his dad, but I think it doesn't matter if I'm there really.


TheFabulousIdiot Sat 28-Dec-13 00:02:10

I worry that mine would start a thread saying...

'My DW doesn't have sex with me enough and when we do it's not like it used to be and I do half of the housework, honest I do'

WaitingForPeterWimsey Sat 28-Dec-13 00:11:18

My dw spends too much time on mn aibu to try to get her banned from the site by emailing MNHQ to explain the gravity of her condition? smile

ScrambledSmegs Sat 28-Dec-13 00:19:03

Mine would probably say that DC2's refusal to sleep ever is killing our sex life, and when the hell is it going to get better because I have the same question?

We love each other just as much as ever, but quite frankly as soon as the insomniac kid lets us have at least one full night's sleep our relationship will improve immeasurably.

tiamariaxxx Sat 28-Dec-13 00:39:07

ScrambledSmegs - That sounds like my son. We have to settle for morning sex most times when he gets up for work and as im getting up to get myself ready before the brood wake up

shallowkitty Sat 28-Dec-13 01:16:28

U scared mi op I fought u woz my dp he's a fannie.

daiseehope Sat 28-Dec-13 02:45:34

AIBU to expect my DP to choose buy, wrap, sort presents, cook dinner, turn my nose up then demand a blow job after calling her a cow?

Vivacia Sat 28-Dec-13 07:13:31

Let me explain myself. I think OP has form for wanting to discuss MN and how its posters behave. This is fair enough obviously, it's good to be challenged. However I don't feel that Relationships is the right place, as it'd somewhere people come for support and often for some very difficult worries.

OP, having read your second post, why don't you start a thread asking for advice on this aspect of your relationship?

horsetowater Sat 28-Dec-13 07:25:36

My dp doesn't want to let me touch her. Is it because she is frigid, old, overweight or is it because i treat her like something that's stuck to the bottom of my shoe?

dozeydoris Sat 28-Dec-13 07:28:47

He wouldn't as he is unable to open up, even to strangers, about his true feelings.

Joysmum Sat 28-Dec-13 08:04:45

I couldn't give a shit about who started the thread and why, it's a great topic.

Mine would say that he works long hard hours to provide for the family and yet still his dw and dd moan because he's rarely home. Why can't they see he wants to be but also wants to make sure we are financially secure and have a good quality of life.

Vivacia Sat 28-Dec-13 08:36:11

I couldn't give a shit about who started the thread and why, it's a great topic.

Well, that's fine. I look forward to seeing the response that some of the more sad and poignant posts are going to get (or not get).

rpitchfo Sat 28-Dec-13 09:57:50


I don't need any advice at the moment as i was trying to explore my own self awareness in a relationship. Thought it might be a worthwhile topic.

As for challenging MN posters, as a man, i think i have a responsibility -imposed self importance- to address this when as i see something i disagree with.

sad and poignant posts

You're probably right about this. Most of the replies do not address the actually feelings of the DP but are just exentions of the posters problems. I expected a little bit of that but not to the extent it's happened. This really isn't the thread to deal with this type of issues.

As a start mine would be.

"Why does my DP take his phone into bed with him?" - something she always remarks on - didn't take my phone to bed last night.

rpitchfo Sat 28-Dec-13 09:58:52

should read imposed self importance

TheFabulousIdiot Sat 28-Dec-13 10:01:39

Why is it important that you are a man! Wen it comes to addressing usurps on here?

Why do you take your phone to bed?
So you can look at mumsnet?

TheFabulousIdiot Sat 28-Dec-13 10:02:08

Issues not usurps

rpitchfo Sat 28-Dec-13 10:09:41


That's a different thread really. But it's along the lines of mumsnet is a great place for women to come to get advice the goes against the usual misogynistic constructs of RL. However i do tend to think that this inherent gender bias sometimes spills out in a negative way. I try to provide a counter balance - not saying i'm always right and i'm not saying there aren't women on here who step in as well in those instances.

I go to bed with my phone because I've got it into my head that i can't possibly go to sleep without reading another BBC article to tire myself out. Bad habit that's got to stop.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 28-Dec-13 10:10:18

daiseehope - LTB - seriously.

I can imagine various things XH might have posted about me, most of which I would struggle to recognise myself in. I often think he didn't even see me at all, just a woman-shaped projection screen.

fifi669 Sat 28-Dec-13 10:56:43

I think the only thing that DP would write (excluding pregnancy induced hormonal issues) would be:

I've been a dad to DS3 since he was 6 months old as bio dad isn't interested. This works well all year until December when it's DS's birthday/Christmas when he leaves a present on the doorstep. DP thinks the polite thing to do is to send a text to say thank you. It winds me up that he pretends to be interested and that DP acknowledges it.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 28-Dec-13 11:55:55

Deary me, it's a good job we've got some right minded men around here to put us ladeez straight innit

What would we do without them ? < twinkle >

Pan Sat 28-Dec-13 12:00:44

You rang, m'lady?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 28-Dec-13 12:02:57

Fancy you popping up right at that moment, Pan fgrin

thornrose Sat 28-Dec-13 12:06:02

Beautiful timing grin

Pan Sat 28-Dec-13 12:06:20

It's a gift I have. Hope you are

FrankieStien Sat 28-Dec-13 12:14:04

DH's would be about my craft stash. " AIBU to not want bags of wool and fabric all the fucking place ".

FrankieStien Sat 28-Dec-13 12:14:59

All over the place.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 28-Dec-13 12:37:33

It's a blessed gift you have

I am fine Pan. Yourself ?

Mrsantithetic Sat 28-Dec-13 13:03:10

Mine would probably discuss my tendency to expect him to mind read.

Whilst I would post about him needing the smallest of things pointing out to him.


Pan Sat 28-Dec-13 13:12:43

I'm fine thanks AF. Best thing is dd is growing into a tall, willowy beautiful young woman (it took rels. at Christmas to confirm this to her), and this is the girl who saw herself as 'small and thin'. Her mum and me just kept saying "give yourself time." And I've managed to lose about 8 kilos in the past couple of months. So we're all beautiful young things.grin

FluffyJumper Sat 28-Dec-13 13:15:01

So... You're here to keep mumsnetters on the straight and narrow. What - in case we get too happy chatting to other women?!

Are you on glue?

garlicbaubles Sat 28-Dec-13 13:21:44

Haha at rpitch fgrin It's a good thing you're not the only Mumsnetter with a penis, otherwise we might think you spoke authoritatively for all men. That really would be unfair on half the human race!

My DP - if I had one - would be whining about my depression, that I never seem excited about anything, cancel social events at the last minute, rarely bother with taking care of my appearance or the home, and have lost interest in sex.

Which is why I don't have a DP fsmile Considerate to a fault, me.

Pan Sat 28-Dec-13 13:42:48

So if I had a DP, they would probably say: he's utterly obsessive about his kitchen equipment to a fault, rearranges the dust without actually removing it, constantly asks 'does my bum look big in this?', thinks that bins empty themselves. But does a nice line in biscuit arrangements on plates. And makes me scream (with derisory laughter) in bed.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Sat 28-Dec-13 13:49:10

I have done enough "introspection" on the Stately Homes thread(s), thank you very much, rpitchfo.

Fortunately, my husband knows his place, and "knows Mumsnet is a place for women (that is not him wink ) and that it takes time to be dialed in to understand what is going on" (his words, I just asked him).

My Dh answer to "would you ever make a thread about me on MN?"
"You must be kidding. That would be encouraging. It would be just wrong."

garlicbaubles Sat 28-Dec-13 13:52:49

Pan, how soon can you get round here to tidy up & make me laugh?

Pan Sat 28-Dec-13 13:56:08

They aren't things I'm proud of garlic.grin

lovemenot Sat 28-Dec-13 14:13:11

Mine would probably say - "My dw is a fucking bitch. When she asks me a question that I don't want to answer, I call her a fucking bitch. Why would I apologise for telling the truth. She's also a selfish fucking bitch who says she is not happy. She even moved into the spare room. Not sure why, didn't bother asking her. In fact, I don't ask her anything. So I've no idea how she feels. She only has what she has coz she spread her legs for it, but she won't spread them anymore. Told ya she was a bitch".

PrincessFlirtyPants Sat 28-Dec-13 14:14:54

As for challenging MN posters, as a man, i think i have a responsibility -imposed self importance- to address this when as i see something i disagree with.


The men that come onto Mumsnet really do other men a disservice.

Pan Sat 28-Dec-13 14:23:59

well tbf Princess men don't have to 'come onto MN', any more than women 'come onto' it. It's by and for parents.
and let's look at it fairly, lots of female posters don't exactly exalt themselves, do they?

Lweji Sat 28-Dec-13 14:35:53

The men that come onto Mumsnet really do other men a disservice.

I disagree, I have come across a few who seem fine. Sometimes we may not be aware they are men.
It's mostly the twats that get our attention.

PrincessFlirtyPants Sat 28-Dec-13 14:37:40

No, you are right Pan there are some awful female posters.

However, I have noticed that there are very few male posters who aren't here with ulterior motives. I don't think the same could be said about the female posters, that's more my point.

PrincessFlirtyPants Sat 28-Dec-13 14:38:29

Maybe it's only me that notices them then!

Anniegetyourgun Sat 28-Dec-13 14:44:30

The Mumsnetting men that stick around are often excellent. The seagull type (swoop in, make a lot of noise, crap all over the place and fly off again) are not.

PrincessFlirtyPants Sat 28-Dec-13 14:47:43

The latter type were the ones I was referring to, Annie

I've re-read my post and I should have said Most men, IME rather than just men

I'm thinking of a few threads about rape recently where the male posters have been shocking, to say the least.

Awakeagain Sat 28-Dec-13 14:58:01

Dw keeps saying she's tired/ill etc etc
Doesn't she know ill always be iller or more sleepy than her hmm

shallowkitty Sat 28-Dec-13 15:32:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 28-Dec-13 17:53:17

Lovemenot are you ok ?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 28-Dec-13 17:53:46

and shallowkitty are you safe ?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 28-Dec-13 17:55:22

I don't have a problem with men on Mumsnet. I like the posts of some men on Mumsnet. Some of them I have a little spat with (like I have with some female posters) and then move on. Others are simply no more than swinging dicks that like to tell women how it is,a nd those are the ones that don't last too long.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 28-Dec-13 17:59:43

Princess I know the ones you mean, and I concur

They tend to be the minority though, as in RL, and pretty easy to spot for any woman with half a brain

If you tend to be of the manpleasing type of woman though, or one with very few brain cells you will be stupidly happy to see any man on here and make a bit of a fool of yourself

Have certainly seen that happen. There was a thread on here yesterday that took that to the Nth degree (now deleted)

Vivacia Sat 28-Dec-13 18:04:10

I agree, I have seen a few posters declare themselves to be male, as though it's not occurred to them that quite a few of the regular posters are male. And not shouting about it.

I've also seen posters falling over themselves to welcome male posters.

fluffyraggies Sat 28-Dec-13 18:16:34

Given enough time and/or airspace the more moronic male posters show themselves for what they are anyway.

Just like folk of either gender in RL actually.

shallowkitty Sat 28-Dec-13 18:48:45

I'm fine just now. this guy popping up just annoyed me, don't know what point he was trying to make.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 28-Dec-13 18:50:25

well, kitty, I put this particular one in my 3rd category, so I wouldn't worry too much

take care x

PrincessFlirtyPants Sat 28-Dec-13 21:32:58

Thanks AF good to know I'm not losing the plot!

Maybe I spend to much time on the relationship boards as they only seem to hang out here!

DidyouseeEthel Sat 28-Dec-13 22:02:21

My dp would say;
My father died a few years ago and since then my heavy drinking has become my crutch. My dp is from an Irish family with a 'Get up, Mary, and let your brother sit down' lifestyle, and as such she has been raised as a bit of a man pleaser. We (men) are Gods, really, and definitely something that made her more attractive. However she started lurking on mumsnet about a year ago and since then my life has become intolerable. She now minds that I don't lift a finger in the home, I criticise her grown up dcs, I'm drunk unless I'm at work, I humiliate her socially etc. I swear she didn't notice before joining mumsnet, could she be turning into a feminist?

Keepithidden Sat 28-Dec-13 22:23:37

"I think I've settled with DH. I have previous of abusive relationships and similar childhood. I think I settled with DH because he treated me as human. I don't think I love him as a partner anymore after DCs arrived, not sure I ever did.

Our sex life is poor, he's inexperienced and we're both rubbish communicators. He withdraws when challenged and can be a bit passive aggressive.

I don't know how to regain my self and exit the situation I'm in."

Sorry folks. Bit down today.

Keepithidden Sat 28-Dec-13 22:25:52

Forgot to say. Good thread. Made me think.

garlicbaubles Sat 28-Dec-13 22:33:56

DidyousDP - This does look very worrying. It's so upsetting when the person you fell in love with seems to change into someone different, especially if they then try and change you into somebody else, too! Clearly, this isn't what you signed up for. You need to make sure she appreciates her rightful place in a relationship, and assert your role too. This book will remind her of her wifely role - I suggest you both read it: "Wifework" by Susan Maushart. Good luck!

Pleasefiveminutesforme Sat 28-Dec-13 22:53:00

My DM may well be a manipulative bitch but poor thing had to put up with my EA DP so am I correct in thinking it's totally excusable for her to treat my DW the way she does, just as it is for me to treat her with contempt and lack of respect because that's just the way women should be treated? And is it ok to expect my DW to excuse me acting like a sulky disrespectful 14 year old when my DM is around because she is also a woman and should pander to my feelings in the very same way? Especially as my 3 year old DS needs to see how to treat his own mother and wife in time.

DidyouseeEthel Sat 28-Dec-13 23:10:57

Thank you garlicbaubles, I have skim read the 'look inside' option and really am flummoxed. The job description clearly states her position of humble rank and 'of low employment' so what on earth is her problem? She should feel honoured to come home after a long day at work and launder my clothes and prepare my dinner, while I stagger around pissed and verbally abusive, for I am a man, and she is fortunate to have one.

I have an uneasy feeling that this foray into mumsnet won't end well, and can only hope that my next 'partner' will have never heard of yourself, AnyFucker et al.

garlicbaubles Sat 28-Dec-13 23:13:45


garlicbaubles Sat 28-Dec-13 23:17:35

I meant to say, DidyousDP, that it does rather seem as though you two are no longer suited. Would you be able to hire some help after you split? Or could you, perhaps, move into a hotel or other establishment where your domestic needs will be met? Your mother's perhaps? Or DP's mother's?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 28-Dec-13 23:37:42

< narrows eyes in direction of Ethel >

DidyouseeEthel Sun 29-Dec-13 00:00:05

Nah, my own mother appears to prefer Ethel to me, she thinks I treat her appallingly. Not sure why - she's just a woman ffs. Ethel's dm though, there's a thought, she loves me. And I can be very charming and funny when I need things to be done for me. Good idea garlic, there's hope for me yet.

I saw some paperwork recently that led me to believe dp is re-mortgaging her house and I worried that it might be to pay me back the deposit I put in. I can stop worrying now, dmil has a washing machine, oven and an even nicer house than dp.

garlicbaubles Sun 29-Dec-13 12:59:06

Happy to help! As you say Ethel's mother taught her to respect men such as you, your moving in with her looks to be an ideal punishment solution. Perhaps you could let Ethel off the deposit repayment, in exchange for her mother, as it were?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now