Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Angry, confused, upset, depressed OH and more.... Warning TMI & long but please read......(43 Posts)
Where to start, basically been with Oh for two years, living together for 20 months so things moved fast we knew each other as friends before and when my relationship with my DCs dad broke down we became close and a few months later started our relationship. We are very happy in general engaged and I want to spend my life with him BUT
He's severely depressed has been for years is on the highest dose possible (375mg) of the strongest anti depressant avaliable (after months of pushing him and him pushing the doc he's finally on the road to the help he needs, CBT and counselling)
His depression means we are very rarely intimidate (or so I thought it was down to depression, more coming up)
We speak about it and he says he just doesn't feel 'sexual' or horny. And that in no way is it me it him his mind and his anxiety also he struggles to 'finish' because of the meds. I've been fine with it and supported him and first I used to get very frustrated and show my frustration now I know not to and I don't make and moves on him as I wouldn't wan him to feel bad saying no to me. Been like this for most of the relationship.
Fast forward to Christmas Day this year and we had a great day he cooked the dinner but was drinking Buck's Fizz/wine and port so was pretty drunk by 2pm (he literally never drinks I've seen him drunk twice in the two years we've been together) so anyway I took my kids to their dads around 3pm arriving home at 5pm walk in to hear him snoring although he said he wouldn't go to sleep I knew he would as he was drunk. Was upstairs to find him on the bed (TMI!!!!!) phone on his chest with porn hub up and a sock on his manhood (apparently it's something he does to avoid the mess) anyway so I went mad tipped his wine on his head screamed at him that he was selfish and had ruined Xmas. He then explained that he was apparently "testing to see if he could get it up so he could ravage me when I returned home" but it didn't work. I was fine. Although annoyed he was watching porn. So I tried to forget it and just enjoy the day we spent the evening with my family where he got more drunk. The next day boxin day (yesterday) getting ready go to out I go round his side of the bed to shut the window and there's 6!!!! Man socks completely "used" if you get what Mean. Didn't say anything until evening when I told him
I'd seen them he tried to deny it until I said just be honest for once and he just said I'm sorry. Had a chat told him I'm upset he would rather DIY than have sex with me and he literally twisted it round onto me saying it wasn't like that, he hates himself, in no way did he enjoy it (although it was all obviously with porn) and it was all just testing to see if he "worked" to then wait for me (utter BS if you ask me) and went to far and finished on his own. So basically I'm just really upset that it looks to me like he does indeed feel sexual but just doesn't want it with me. My self confidence is pretty low as it is. His depression is the biggest factor in all of this and I'm trying so hard to support him. He can be hard work with it where he disappears into the bedroom for hours coz he's down or just doesn't speak to me. I try and support him but I'm getting down myself. I've had the odd thought of can I do this forever but he's like my drug I just can't get enough of him however much he upsets me of makes me angry or leaves me extremely frustrated
Also he works full time and can put a "mask" on at work for his depression. And I'm not sure how that works?
I'm so sorry it's so long I literally have no where else to write this down and needed to for my own sanity.
No advice but really - 6 used socks?? Can the man not even work the washing machine?
What do your children see/hear of this?
Hello, obviously depression is different for everyone but yes generally sex drive goes down. Can you give him the chance to be honest? Do you have any kids, if not you may need a good think if he's not willing to be honest xx
Seems like he has a porn addiction but is using his meds as an excuse not to have real sex.
I would be gutted. He needs to be honest and seek help and stop using porn.
Yes he's lying to you. Yes, if you are the only one he is awful to it is abuse. No, you are not responsible for his happiness and if you want to leave, then do so.
The children don't see or hear much, the odd bickering argument, he's very good with both my kids he knows if he is getting snappy he takes himself away. It's like a mask he can put on for kids family friends people and work and the public (public facing job) yet can't with me
I know 6!!! I left them out n he said "oh you left the out for me to see" no I left them out so you can put them in the wash!!!
Actually, the whole thing sounds like an utterly bullshit relationship. What on earth is going on in your head that this is OK?
Lead balloon, my DP has anxiety and has tried lots of different meds for it - most had the same sexual affects you describe, not feeling horny at all, not being able to finish if we did get that far! It left me feeling unwanted and unsexy, he didnt even give me a kiss and cuddle as emotionally it just didn't dawn on him to. He is a lovely and affectionate man and I know this is 100% down to the meds! but knowing this doesn't make you feel any less frustrated and unloved. Eventually I pushed him to go back to the doctor, and within a couple of weeks of changing meds, our sex life is great again. There are a lot of different options out there and he should speak to the dr about these very common sexual side effects.
As to the socks etc, can't comment, but it is up to you whether you believe him. It is hard work being a relationship with someone with depression, and is up to you how much of that you want to take on. Good luck x
I can't leave I'm so deeply in love with him that "sorry" seems ok and I just forget (try to) and move on but this is Hurting the fact he lies about it but he twists it and then makes me feel bad. The tears came out yesterday he said I have no idea how much he hates himself, sorry for everything and sorry for even being alive :-/ he says all he wants is for us to have a normal relationship so I'm hoping he means it and can get the help. I need to stop being such a push over tho because when he does want it h starts it because I never do as I'm too worried about upsetting him and he gets it I can't ever say no as I'm so desperate and know it will be another 4-8 weeks until the next time :-(
Yes, depressed people can put on a mask for work. But doing so usually means that they become more depressed outside work, as it is an effort to fake it which takes it out of them even more.
Re the sex: your frustration is helping you stay addicted. Can you manage to talk about sex with him? Does he want PIV with you? Can you do other satisfying things to each other without PIV, at least to start?
It is obvious that he is not telling you the truth. It sounds like he just cba to do real sex as masturbation is quick and easy. Leaving his sank socks for you to deal with is incredibly selfish and thoughtless and that should give you enough incite into how he regards you.
You both need a proper grown up conversation. You don't have to accept porn in your relationship, especially instead of intimacy. Its your choice.
He left wanksocks. 6 of them.
I'd never be able to shag a man that revolting ever again.
Bin him, he's not worth the effort.
At times I do think that it's bullshit but you can't help who you fall for and I'm waiting and hoping for a better future with him I cannot let him go
You can leave.
You are not 'so deeply in love'
You jumped from a sitty relationship with your ex to this bloke as if he were a lifeboat.
That's fine/understandable, but it means that this bloke is ONLY your method of escape, he's not your destination.
It's not working, not at all.
You wish it was, hence you keep banging on to yourself that you're deeply in love with him.
You're in love with the idea of being in love. You think that if you love him enough, he'll love you back, he'll be the man you wish he was.
But he isn't that man, never was, and probably won't be - hence his hideous depression. Subconsciously perhaps he knows he's not up to it.
Set yourself free, and him too.
Find yourself and find your forever man. This guy's not it.
What on earth are you getting out of this relationship?
The crunchy socks littering the bedroom floor is the least of it. He sounds like a lot of effort for very little reward. That's not how good relationships are.
If you must stay with him, you will get used to it, and that's the saddest part of all.
But should you leave someone because of their depression?
What you've said there has honestly made me think but shouldn't I help and support not run and make him worse?
You can leave someone for whatever reason you want.
PIV=Penis in vagina.
How about giving your self a mental date to review the situation? He is getting help for his depression, which is a huge plus. How many has he tried? it isn't so much the strength as the match to one's physiology which seems to be important. He seems to be down on himself, not you, and takes himself off to avoid taking it out on the rest of you. All this seems to indicate to me that he is ill, not an underlying bastard.
I wouldn't believe him about the socks. Its clearly a fairly regular occurance. And the worst bit is that hes twisting it to try to make you feel bad. He didn't enjoy it? But did it 6 times? He needs to man up and be honest with you. Sounds like you have been more than supportive in this. He should trying to help himself, its not all down to you.
You wouldn't be leaving him because of his depression but because you aren't happy.
I don't believe him about the socks although he now thinks I do as when he started about hating himself and not wanting to do it and testing to see if it works I thought there's no way out of this ill just accept his apology but I really shouldn't have. How do you make someone tell you the truth? Surely he's made up this story and he's sticking to it. I don't think hes intentionally emotionally abusing me or being a bastard I Believe he is very ill and im happy he's taken the first steps to help
I need a long hard think about our relationship as a whole but I just can't see myself throwing it all away. So tough :-(
Look up florence nightingale on the baggage reclaim site
I don't know how to post a link from my phone but putting the 2 terms in a search should bring it up
Found it. That makes or interesting reading, had a quick scan over and I guess I do kind of believe I can love him
Into changing but what good is that to me in the meantime :-( so so confused and upset
He would rather wank into socks six times than be intimate with you.
You would rather live with a man who wants you to clear up his wanky socks than be a single woman.
Strange choices op- and they are choices.
Maybe I am cynical in my old age but when you mention he takes himself off to the bedroom when he is getting snappy... makes me inclined to think he is indulging in Porn. Depression is a useful excuse!
He could very well be doing that when taking himself off but I doubt he would do it with myself and the kids in the house it's when I go out and he's home alone (I drop off the kids to their dad most of the time he has them and spend time with my mum or shop alone) he has plenty of opportunities to DIY and indulge in porn
"he says he just doesn't feel 'sexual' or horny. And that in no way is it me it him his mind and his anxiety also he struggles to 'finish' because of the meds."
So you know now that he is a liar, right. He just can't be arsed to have sex.
He also throws a pity party when you confront him so that you will shut up...nice.
He is manipulating you.
6 socks ffs. Has he no shame at all in being that fucking slovenly as to leave them for you to find/clear up ffs?
He's a pig!
His depression is irrelevant, it's probably a self inflicted state to keep you trapped with him. he's bloody revolting!
Depression isn't self-inflicted and depression and meds can have a terrible effect on sex drive and performance. That's well-known fact. HOWEVER - depression also makes you lose perspective and therefore can make you a horrible horrible person to be around. The used socks for you to pick up is not OK. Hating yourself is definitely an aspect of depression and that affects how you want to interact with others. It makes you not want to be around others, not only because you are down but because you don't want to bring the other person down. Using porn rather than sex with a person seems like it might be part of this. However it's not a reason to treat the other person badly and callously. He has been selfish and hurtful and he needs to see that. You need to sit him down and explain what you need. When you've been depressed a long time, sometimes recovery seems so scary (because you would have to do so much that you're out of practice with) that there's a kind of block there regarding getting better. CBT and counselling will help with that a great deal - how long has he to wait before that's available?
It might be worth looking around for sex therapists who have experience of depression affecting marriages and sex drives.
He is genuinely ill but he also has to work towards his recovery if he's to keep you. He needs something to fight for, and you need to get him to fight for you. Best of luck, and if nothing still changes then don't feel guilty about leaving. I have had clinical depression for years but have had to end friendships with other people with depression and other mental health issues - sometimes, it just isn't worth the damage to your own mental health.
If he has been like this about sex all through your relationship and claims he can't - now you find he clearly can is he hiding that he is gay?
Thanks little baby &
I don't think he's gay I think he's lazy I think it much quicker and less effort to just have a wank into a sock rather than full sex with me or having to look after me to so to speak although when we do he's never selfish and does make sure I have a good time. At the beginning we couldn't get enough of each other and now I still can't get enough of him but it feels like he just can't be arsed to do the deed. The other night when I confronted him about the socks he claimed it was just testing to see if it worked I know do not beeline that at all as their was six used socks and he can't of been hoarding them for that long as we've not long swapped bedrooms with DS probably 5 months ago. we have sex from anything between 4-8 weeks longest we've been is 10 weeks
My problem is now I'm thinking he's using his depression as a scape goat, I confront him he brings on the tears and says I hate myself, I'm ashamed. Blah blah. How can I confront him again without being too harsh? If I say I think he's using his depression as an excuse he is going to go into self destruct he's so close to the point of giving he's even told doctors he has thought and planned how he would kill himself. Says I'm the only one stopping him which is kind of a emotional blackmail but I'm stuck in the hole now so confused and dunno what to do. I'm about to look into some couples counselling
What you need to do is get rid of this man and get some counselling or therapy for yourself. You are clearly desperate not to be single, which is very unhealthy and will lead to one shit relationship after another. You are not responsbiel for Mr Wanksock, who basically wants a nurse/housekeeper and to present the appearance of a coupled-up man but doesn't care about you as an individual human being.
I'd be tempted to say that now he clearly knows it works what is his next excuse? Its time to be a bit firmer and challenge him a bit more. He won't kill himself, all the tears and drama are just a distraction to keep you from the truth.
I'm thinking he's using his depression as a scape goat, I confront him he brings on the tears and says I hate myself, I'm ashamed. Blah blah
Yes exactly. Well done for spotting it. It's manipulation, pure and simple.
If you are happy in a sexless relationship with a weepy, drinking fella who disappears for hours and wanks in a sock then this is the man for you.
My take on this is that you don't even know this person. You appear to only know him as a person on antidepressents but that person is probably ten country miles from the person when not on drugs.
I have had experience of getting to know someone and being friendly for two years not realising they were on Paroxetine. That person changed over the space of a short while and I discovered during that time they had come off the drug and I found the 'real' personality unbearable which was sad. Take care is all I'm saying. You may think you are with Dr.Jekyll when he is actually Mr.Hyde.
Leadballoonlove suicide threats = classic emotional abuse. Totally unacceptable. From the perspective of someone with long-term depression and resulting sex issues, I would leave. The manipulation is completely unacceptable and is not an aspect of depression.
You deserve someone who loves you enough not to emotionally abuse you.
Dinnae IME being on paraxatine allows my 'real' personality to shine through.
OP, you can't let him blackmail you emotionally over this. If he actually threatens suicide, do not hestitate to contact police on 101, or 999 if he is in a total state.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.