Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Acts by DH that make me want to LTB, wwyd?

(47 Posts)
stripeylion3 Thu 26-Dec-13 03:07:32

Has told me recently that I mean nothing to him.

Smokes around the DCs, DS2 is a chronic asthmatic, has been hospitalised many times.

Refuses to close toilet door after 20 mins in there, or to spray with air freshened as DDs bedroom door is adjacent. These last two I've been asking and explaining for years and still won't cooperate on a regular basis.

When I'm talking to him he stares at my stomach (Sz 12) to give me a complex.

Contributes one quarter of the rent and nothing else to the household financially.

Has been out of work for over three years. Has had four jobs in that time that he's sacked from in a month.

Whenever I try to talk about practical issues he says he will get work but never does.

Thinks its not his job to buy our DS a pair of thongs,

Loaned massive amounts of money off my Dad for himself and has no intention of paying it back.

Thinks nothing of lettingy patents pay for everything for DCs past what I can manage.

Has decided to apply for a disability pension for an injury that's 20 years old.

Has sadistically beaten me once 8 years ago (I left) and once more not so bad last year.

Has been super dad this month as he has clued on that I'm done.

There's more will post again soon ��.

NatashaBee Thu 26-Dec-13 03:11:38

I don't think you need to post any more for people to tell you you should have LTB a very long time ago. The smoking around DS with asthma alone would be a deal breaker for me.

Roshbegosh Thu 26-Dec-13 03:11:40

Well what do you think?
You get one life and you are spending it with him? Why?

AlfAlf Thu 26-Dec-13 03:15:59

Just the smoking around an asthmatic child, for that alone, please just LTB already. He's abusing you, he's endangering the dc, he contributes virtually nothing, he's a waster and a pisstaker, he's ripping off your dad. Imagine if your dc grow up thinking that's all cool, and shack up with someone just like him? That is not the example you want to set for them.
I would definitely LTB.

stripeylion3 Thu 26-Dec-13 03:21:31

I am leaving, I am just torn by the effect it will have on dS2 in particular and the other two DC. He never leaves the house except for roughly 12 hrs a week while DC at school. So they will feel it massively.

DH will turn full violent stalker and is a pro at manipulation and will try to take DC from school.

Just apprehensive for the day it goes down ��

stripeylion3 Thu 26-Dec-13 03:24:44

He plays with the DCs very well, that's the extent of his provision so they will hate me for taking away their Dad/ playmate.

NigellasDealer Thu 26-Dec-13 03:27:31

well i hope you can work something out to prevent that or at least minimise risks.
but as for the effect that it would have on the DC....from what you say surely the effect of him staying would be worse?

Wishfulmakeupping Thu 26-Dec-13 03:29:57

You are doing the right thing OP. Have you made a form plan? (Don't put it here just in case) but go through in your mind how it will work out.
I'm guessing financially most things in your name only? Has he got access to any of your money joint accounts Etc start movibg money elsewhere now.
You and dc will be happier without him pulling you down

stripeylion3 Thu 26-Dec-13 03:34:13

There's no money or house to split. I have a place to go with DC. I want to make this an amicable split but it won't go that way. I want him to see DC but he is totally dependant on me and will have to find sewhere to live. He's been depressed for years and has no family or friends.

PeanutPatty Thu 26-Dec-13 03:40:27

I think you already know that you must LTB. The only real question is when.

In time your children will see him for what he really is and will thank you.

Please stay safe. He sounds like a dangerous man.

That sounds like a shit situation. I'm glad you are leaving.

Children grow up and they can see people for who they are, even if it is hard in the short term.

stripeylion3 Thu 26-Dec-13 04:02:45

Thank you so much. I know I have to do it. Yesterday he made such an effort for Christmas Day that I almost changed my mind, but I know it for what it is, it won't last.

He is dangerous and I am scared. Think Passive Agressive with Narcissist tendencies, a gaslighting pro.

After 11 years and 3 DC and struggling to make it all lovely I am worn out, sad. Embarrassed, although strangely confident of making a go of it without him. I am pretty sure it will become his life's ambition to teach me a lesson if I leave.

There are lots of resources to help you when you leave. Womens aid for a start but there are lots of websites with information too. Don't make it easy for him to 'teach you a lesson'. Do you have much RL support?

You have no reason to be embarrassed. Read the OP. It's him that should be embarrassed.

Roshbegosh Thu 26-Dec-13 04:15:36

Yes he has shown you that he is dangerous but that is a reason to leave, not stay. You must involve the police if necessary.

stripeylion3 Thu 26-Dec-13 04:34:00

Thank you. I have talked with all the relevant resource people.
Until orders from the court are in place he has parental rights too and will move heaven and earth to take possession of DCs as he is going to say he is the primary caregiver as he wants the benefits that come with them.

stripeylion3 Thu 26-Dec-13 04:38:40

In past dealings with the police and court he comes across as reasonable and I look like the unstable one.
He always acts calm and controlled and other people think he's charming.

One of the first red flags for me should have been how he can act like nothing untoward is going on to others when massive emotional conflict is going on, for me anyway.

Roshbegosh Thu 26-Dec-13 04:45:57

You can divorce him and sort the children out without a competition on who is least stable. Keep calm and dignified, he will drive you crazy if you try to show his true colours. Don't worry about what people think of him or you, just focus on what you want to achieve.

stripeylion3 Thu 26-Dec-13 04:58:36

Rosh, god willing, I hope to achieve that. It's just that if I take the children until court orders are in place, if the police get involved he will convince them that I have taken his children and he has a right to have them back.

Roshbegosh Thu 26-Dec-13 05:07:34

I take it you never recorded the violence with your dr or the police.

I am not an expert but however charming he is surely the police won't swoop in a remove your children from you. I hope you have a decent lawyer and it would be helpful if some posters gave advice.

Try not to let him frighten you now. He will unleash as much mayhem as he can but if you think about it, what is he without you?

raisah Thu 26-Dec-13 05:12:00

Speak to womens' aid and start laying plans for a healthy and happy future with your children. They have experience in this kind of thing and can advise you on how to win custody of your kids.

Contact a good family solicitor as the first half an hour will be free.

raisah Thu 26-Dec-13 05:12:51
Lizzabadger Thu 26-Dec-13 06:08:20

Yes do contact Women's Aid for advice about how to leave this situation as safely as possible. Don't let him know your intentions. Act normal. Stay safe.

stripeylion3 Thu 26-Dec-13 06:49:57

The first violent (v.bad) episode I left, it all went through the family court. The second time I went to the doctors who recorded it. The records can be obtained via subpoena only.

Without me he is nothing (hollow laugh), but desperate people do desperate things and all that.

Sorry for sounding obstructive but I have been going around and around and around in my head for so long now and feel like I am begging the question for a tragedy to occur.

wherethewildthingis Thu 26-Dec-13 07:14:55

Leave him, and be very very careful about allowing him to see the children. He sounds dangerous, and the type of man who would harm them to get to you.

Vivacia Thu 26-Dec-13 07:58:13

Why are you aiming for an amicable split? Given your concerns I think you should be aiming for an organised, controlled, assertive and safe split.

You say there is no house to split and you're moving out. What will happen to the house you're currently in?

HissymasJumper Thu 26-Dec-13 08:30:37

Love, vanish!

He's very dangerous and you know it.

Please get as far away from him as you can? Try and keep the dc away for good.

You'll be surprised how quickly they start to blossom.

TheNightIsDark Thu 26-Dec-13 08:34:35

Get a prohibitive steps order if you feel he is a risk. Inform the school that he is not to take them. Ask them to phone you if he tries and distract him until you can get there.

Phone WA. Today if you can and start getting a plan together. Do you have money? Family you can stay with? I would also start a record of every incident from now on. If you end up going to court it may help you.

Best of luck OP

TheNightIsDark Thu 26-Dec-13 08:36:06

Where are you OP? It's not the uk is it?

WhereMyMilk Thu 26-Dec-13 09:07:26

Have a feeling with reference to thongs (flipflops) for son OP is in Oz...

Hope you keep safe And as above get away quickly and carefully. Don't forget all your paperwork and passports etc.

mammadiggingdeep Thu 26-Dec-13 09:20:28

He beat you safistically? Smokes around an asthmatic child? Actively tries to make you feel bad about yourself and lower your self esteem.

To be honest- this is not a man you want around your children. I'd be giving supervised contact only.

You are damaging them every day you allow them to be exposed to this awful human being.

Lweji Thu 26-Dec-13 09:52:53

I think you will notice an effect on your DC. A good effect.

Less asthma attacks.
More relaxed.

Get legal advice asap before you leave and have it all in place so that he can't access them or charm the police into having them.
Get help from WA. Do call them.

RedLondonBus Thu 26-Dec-13 09:59:21

What was the outcome of court last time?

NigellasDealer Thu 26-Dec-13 12:32:05

if the police get involved he will convince them that I have taken his children and he has a right to have them back
if his previous actions are on police record, then honestly I doubt this. Has he convinced you of this himself?

whitesugar Thu 26-Dec-13 13:17:55

Leaving is complicated but just focus on one thing and that is showing yourself and your children that abuse is not acceptable. You will get through this and send a very clear message to your DC that they have one parent who will protect them. They know his behaviour is unacceptable and will thank you in the long run for being courageous enough to leave. As mentioned by others Women's Aid can provide advice. I hope you do leave him because he is an abusive bully.

TheNightIsDark Thu 26-Dec-13 13:54:43

Is there WA in oz though? If OP isn't in uk then although the basic advice is relevant WA and court proceedings may not be country relevant.

stripeylion3 Thu 26-Dec-13 15:27:30

Yes, I'm in Oz, thank you for all your posts, I really need them right now. I have a plan and a safe place to stay. I'm really relying on the fact that he will have nothing and nowhere to go so hopefully will only have to part with DCs for day visits at most for the short term.

He is quite clueless as to what he'll need to be able to have them for weekends and I'm sure wont relocate in our area so hopefully won't get 50/50.

Last time it went through court we got 50/50. He had a high powered lawyer, I was ten years younger and had no clue really what I was dealing with.

He is a mongrel partner and a financially neglectful father though he relates to the DCs very well. He is a great playmate for them (while I do all the donkey work).

Having been through the court system here, I know they won't take into account the first court stuff and it'll be a new case.

I know that unless he has been convicted of offences against children he will be fully entitled to significant and meaningful contact.

If my plan goes smoothly ill have to part with them three weekends out of four WHEN he has a suitable place to take them, which given his income will be nigh on impossible for him to achieve any time soon.

stripeylion3 Thu 26-Dec-13 15:36:19

Funnily enough my DCs are bright, happy and well adjusted and I fear that taking them away from their Dad will damage that status.

They have been exposed to a few nasty arguments but again it looks like I am the instigator as he is all good til I start questioning him and I get shitty and lose my rag.

Those DC will absolutely see me as the cause of their upheaval and upset and he will fully reinforce that for them.

I do believe that time will see me right though.

In the court system here it basically comes down toy word against his and since he is a seasoned liar he will definitely put me through my paces, wanker!

HoneyStepMummy Thu 26-Dec-13 20:23:06

OP I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. Even though you are leaving him he can still have a good relationship with the kids and be a good Dad if he chooses to do so. He might be a good playmate but he isn't a good dad if he smokes around the kids and refuses to financially provide for them.

When you leave with the kids it will be hard on them at first but soon they will se a happier, calmer mother and be in a much happier home.
I have never said LTB before but I have to say it now- LTB. Did you report last year's beating to the police? I'm not sure how the legal system works in OZ but in the US you would be able to get a restraining order- if you feel the need for one based on what you've said.

Keep copies of everything, old court papers, police reports, kid's passports and hide them in a safe place outside of your current home.
I hope everything works out for you and your kids.

stripeylion3 Thu 26-Dec-13 21:36:55

Thank you so much. I know what I need to do. My DC are my whole life and I love that. I know I need to do it for them but I still feel a bit like I need to hear it from other people too. Weird.

I struggle with 'forgetting' that this is in the pipeline when I do manage to sleep at night and when I've had a few nice times at my DMothers over Christmas then panic a bit when I 'remember'.

I also find myself feeling sorry for him. God this is going to be a long haul.

stripeylion3 Thu 26-Dec-13 21:48:41

The constant rushes of adrenalin can't be good either!

stripeylion3 Fri 27-Dec-13 22:21:48

Is there any advice on how to break it to DC that we're splitting. They think he's fantastic, they are going to hate me.

Lweji Sat 28-Dec-13 06:19:25

If he loves them, he'll make the break up the least painful he can. The same for you.

Telling the children should be something you do together, reassuring them together.

If he makes it all to be your fault and tries to make them side with him, then he's a terrible father. Regardless of what he says, they will assess you both on behaviour.

And remember that the way they are turning out could have a lot to do with you and very little with him.

stripeylion3 Sat 28-Dec-13 09:41:36

Thankyou Lweji, I would like to tell them together but I am quite sure that the moment he sees them he will try to take them away as he is counting on benefits to live on. He is a manipulative arse and I have thought long and hard about how to do this.

My plan is to have him agree to child contact arrangements that I can lodge with the court before I let them go with him after the initial split.

God help me, I'm scared.

pictish Sat 28-Dec-13 09:51:58

lion - please know that I am feeling for you. What you are about to do must feel monumental. It is!
But it is right.

I am cheering you on. You are brave and righteous, and you will be so so glad you did it.

Lweji Sat 28-Dec-13 12:50:45

Sounds like a good plan.

Whatever happens, don't be afraid of telling them that you are splitting because you cannot live with him any longer. Even if they ask you why, you can tell them matter of fact a couple of reasons that are reasonable.

If he bad mouths you, and they tell you about it, you can simply say "is that what he's saying?" and leave it at that.

Just be aware of how much unsupervised contact you will agree too. This is someone who smokes around an asthmatic child in your house. In his place it may get worse.
Check with your solicitor all possibilities.

It is scary, and you will have a battle in your hands, but surely staying with him has to be scarier and your children deserve to have a healthy home.

stripeylion3 Sat 28-Dec-13 12:58:54

Pictish and Lweji, thankyou. Yes, it feels monumental and I have felt completely overwhelmed and miserable for years weeks since I made the decision and all I can do is hope that it is the right decision and that next Christmas will be better.

I know that I'll probably spend my whole future looking over my shoulder bit it can't be worse than watching my DC go without.

stripeylion3 Sat 28-Dec-13 13:07:07

He smokes outside but it's still smoky when DS is standing right next to him. He smokes in the house if I am away overnight or in the bathroom at night so I presume all pressure to keep it outside will vanish once I leave.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now