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Need perspective. Is it me overreacting?

(47 Posts)
GooseRocks Thu 26-Dec-13 00:55:46

So I read text on DH's phone from a woman he works with sent after works night out "Sorry I didn't say goodbye, you were slow dancing with X and I didn't want to interrupt. [Wink]"

The woman he was dancing with was his ex-girlfriend. A big deal at the time although it was a long time ago. They work in the same organisation but different departments.

I asked him about his night out. Who was there etc.. He named everyone except her. Told him I'd read the text. He said it was nothing etc... So why I do feel absolutely gutted?

His colleagues all know they used to go out. I feel so humiliated. And I'm not OK with him still having feelings for her. Though he says he doesn't. They're not having an affair and I've never had reason to doubt him.

I don't really know what to do. I may well be completely overreacting but I feel massively hurt and let down. Would appreciate opinions and no one I can ask in real life.

OldBagWantsNewBag Thu 26-Dec-13 01:09:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GooseRocks Thu 26-Dec-13 01:20:03

He said he didn't think it would be a problem. And yet he was aware enough not to tell me she'd been there. I sincerely hope he would not be so lacking in awareness he would have danced with her if I was there. I'm dwelling on it. I know I am. Did he ask her to dance? I asked him but didn't realise til later that he'd avoided answering. Is it pathetic that it matters to me?

MillyChristmas Thu 26-Dec-13 01:34:35

It matters because it's inappropriate behaviour and a bit suspicioushmm

GooseRocks Thu 26-Dec-13 01:46:38

Thank you. Yes it is isn't? Was starting to doubt myself given that he "can't believe I'm so upset about it". She came up in conversation a few months ago. I said she was looking old (bitchy I know..she's ten years older than me). His response - "Yeah but she's got a great body" hmm She has BTW. No kids while I look like the mother that I am.
God I could punch him.

OldBagWantsNewBag Thu 26-Dec-13 01:51:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HandbagCrazy Thu 26-Dec-13 02:06:58

If the dance was genuinely not a big deal then he would have mentioned it to you when telling you about the evening. I personally would find that unsettling but the wink at the end of the message you read would worry me more - slow dancing ;) could mean anything. And if he's avoiding answering questions, it seems more suspicious.
Why doesn't he want to reassure you? I think you should ask him about it after you've had some sleep. Ask one question and wait for a satisfactory answer before asking another, and don't get distracted by the "I went out with her ages ago" defence.

BitOfFunWithSanta Thu 26-Dec-13 02:22:22

I might be out of date here, but as far as I remember, you only slow dance with someone you want to snog/have a grope of etc. Totally inappropriate.

I'd be fucking gutted and really angry.

Not only did he slow dance with her, but he concealed the fact. There's no way it meant nothing- you wouldn't slow dance with ANYBODY unless you were planning to cop off. I mean honestly, if it was just a friendly thing, it would only have been a spot of dad-dancing, wouldn't it?

GooseRocks Thu 26-Dec-13 02:25:31

Oldbag yes that's it exactly. And I feel so sad. Revelation was on Monday so have had a few days to think about it. Although time alone to talk limited by guests and kids.

He is such a dependable bloke. He really is. But I know he's a total flirt. And though I'm choosing to believe him that nothing happened I don't believe that he's being truthful either.

Not angry just feel really down and like my confidence has been knocked. We're being very civil. Tonight though he's decided to sleep in the other room and i'm not sure why confused I didn't ask him to. What's that about??

AnuvvaMuvva Thu 26-Dec-13 02:28:30

Has he slept in there before?

GooseRocks Thu 26-Dec-13 02:32:52

Yes Bitoffun I agree re the slow dancing. He says he wasn't and that was just his colleague being daft. Really? About this woman in particular? I just don't believe him. I think it was his colleague fishing to find out if anything happened. He says I can ask her. Not bloody likely. I'd be the talk of the place.

BitOfFunWithSanta Thu 26-Dec-13 02:35:47

What a weaselly move for him to sleep in the spare room, as though he is cross with you fshock.

He should be grovelling an apology to you.

GooseRocks Thu 26-Dec-13 02:37:27

No Anuva. He has very strong views about sleeping in separate bedrooms. Slippery slope and all that so not even after a row. Never. In 18 years. He made out like i wanted him to but i hadn't actually said that. Has he decided to punish me for not believing him or is he feeling guilty? Had to stop myself from fetching him through.

OldBagWantsNewBag Thu 26-Dec-13 02:39:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GooseRocks Thu 26-Dec-13 02:40:24

And now I can't sleep. Thank you all so much for posting. I have literally no one I can talk to and I feel so lonely. It really does help.

BitOfFunWithSanta Thu 26-Dec-13 02:42:55

He's manipulating you into backing off. He's totally in the wrong, but wants to either a) not admit it to you because he's up to know good (awful), or b) not admit it to himself because he doesn't want to acknowledge his lack of integrity (bad, but possibly salvageable if you talk properly and he comes clean).

GooseRocks Thu 26-Dec-13 02:46:30

It does feel like he's trying to take control.

I can't begin to imagine how you come to trust someone again when they've let you down. I don't think I can do it. The alternative is just unthinkable though.

FreakinAllAboutSugar Thu 26-Dec-13 02:55:27

It's not your job to come to trust him again, Goose. He should be the one going out of his way to reassure you, not punishing you for speaking up by flouncing off to the spare room.

Please try and get some sleep, don't give him the satisfaction of knowing that his adolescent strop has upset you. Tomorrow, when you're both calm, I would offer him one chance to come clean about anything he hasn't been telling you. If he continues to deny or to deflect onto you, then in your place I would be reconsidering whether I could stay with him. Nothing is unthinkable, no matter how long it's been.

GooseRocks Thu 26-Dec-13 02:57:53

Yes Bitof the latter I think. We're really terrible at discussing anything remotely controversial. He's really stubborn and it will without doubt end in a big shouting match which I have so far managed to avoid. He'll try and make out I'm being absurd. I don't think I can move on without knowing the full story and unfortunately for him I know him to well to be fobbed off. I need to know if it was indeed a slow dance (hate that term - so cheesy) and who asked who? What else??

BitOfFunWithSanta Thu 26-Dec-13 03:25:45

*no good, typo, sorry.

Yes, you need to talk, and don't let him stalk off. Just ask questions and leave calm silences.

BohemianGirl Thu 26-Dec-13 08:08:13

Why were you going through his phone?

If you have a trust issue, then the dancing/party/test isnt the real issue is it?

Joysmum Thu 26-Dec-13 08:14:05

What he has in effect done is lied through omission.

Why has he not told you? It's because he doesn't want you to find out.

Why doesn't he want you to find out? Because he knows he's done something he knows would hurt you.

Why has he done done something he had a choice about but knew would hurt you? Because he put what he wants to do above your needs. Can you trust anyone that has a history of putting their own wants above your needs?

Anniegetyourgun Thu 26-Dec-13 08:46:37

I would have said it was the colleague teasing and/or reading too much into not very much, as they often do (I've been accused of "snogging" someone who gave me a quick peck on the cheek with his wife standing there!), if it weren't for the lying by omission bit. And now he's overreacting. That makes it sound a lot more suspicious.

Noctilucent Thu 26-Dec-13 08:56:31

His behaviour is a bit much for someone who is the innocent party.

OP, it could be nothing except your OH having behaved somewhat inappropriately at an office party by dancing a little too close with an old flame.

But sleeping in separate bedrooms ? That is rather dramatic. I would want to know what's going on, too.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Thu 26-Dec-13 09:01:43

Yeah the colleagues text was v stirry - as we used to say.

I hope he is talking this morning and not pretending he is the wounded party- he isn't.

If he still refuses to discuss I would write down how you feel, what you need him to do and leave it in the spare room for him to read tonight.

neiljames77 Thu 26-Dec-13 09:11:21

Perhaps he didn't tell you his ex was there because he knew you'd be upset and anxious about him going. If he had told you, would you have told him that you didn't want him to go?

FolkGirl Thu 26-Dec-13 09:32:05

Quite possibly nj77, but that doesn't explain why he stropped off to sleep in another room...

Greenkit Thu 26-Dec-13 09:36:43

GooseRocks, his sleeping in the other room could indicate that he wanted to be able to text in peace, to warn the other person, or so he could delete any offending texts/emails from his phone.

Or he might just feel a bit guilty and couldnt face you

FolkGirl Thu 26-Dec-13 09:49:28

Or he's escalating the situation in the hope that the OP will take action so that he doesn't have to.

neiljames77 Thu 26-Dec-13 09:49:34

Maybe he's gone off in a strop because he feels he's being accused of playing around when he hasn't.
Maybe he was having a dance with this woman and she suggested something but he told her he was married now and not interested, then the other work colleague sent the text as a joke to wind him up.

GooseRocks, keeping it quiet doesn't automatically mean he has "something" to hide. How would you have reacted had he told you up front she was going to be there? And if he'd told you afterwards he'd danced with her? Would you have been a bit "off" or perfectly OK? I do think that this could be more to do with you not feeling like you match up to her physically than your DH being dodgy, i.e. it's a self esteem issue (possibly leading to insecurity/envy/jealousy?). Do you think your DH kept quiet about her because mentioning her causes tensions, even though nothing is going on between them? He works with her so they're going to have some sort of "relationship" aren't they. You've said you don't think he's having an affair and you have no reason to doubt him, so what's going on?

FWIW, there's nothing quite like being accused of "something" when you're completely innocent. Maybe that's why he's having some time out in the spare room. What were you doing reading his texts anyway? That just doesn't sound healthy to me, and is not something I'd dream of doing unless I suspected a partner of cheating.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Thu 26-Dec-13 10:34:45

He's not been accused of anything!

He has lied to her and is having a strop rather than explaining and apologising (like any normal person would)

neiljames77 Thu 26-Dec-13 10:48:23

If he's not being accused of anything then this is running it a pretty close second.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism, you don't need to be told "I don't trust you, I think you're up to something" to feel "accused". I've been on the receiving end on an insecure partner and it was hellish having him interrogate me because I'd chatted to another man. I never cheated on him BTW, my crime was to be attractive to other men. The way my exP spoke to me was accusatory, without him uttering the exact words.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Thu 26-Dec-13 10:57:04

so you see the op as an insecure, interrogator type throwing around crazy and unfounded accusations?

I don't get that from the op at all.

VanitasVanitatum Thu 26-Dec-13 10:59:58

I don't think op sounds insecure. Obviously we don't have much background, but I would be unhappy not so much about the dance, but about why the colleague thinks it's significant and worth a winky face. The unwillingness to discuss would also bother me, if it was nothing I would have thought it should be no problem to discuss.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism not necessarily, it's just another angle. I'm no more guilty of jumping to conclusions or assuming stuff than any other poster, just that I see things a little differently. Hopefully GooseRocks will be back to give some more info.

Vanitas unfortunately we have no idea what the texter's personality is like. She may be the biggest shit stirrer in the place or a huge flirt, hence the tone of her text. As for why the OPs DH hasn't discussed it, well, the OP has said "We're really terrible at discussing anything remotely controversial" sad

neiljames77 Thu 26-Dec-13 11:10:24

VanitasVanitatum, it all depends whether it would be a discussion or not.

Mapleissweet Thu 26-Dec-13 16:31:45

If I found out my dh had been slow dancing with a serious ex gf in front of other colleagues and then lied about it, I would be hurt, angry and upset. Your feelings are totally justified. How disrespectful. Why would anyone think that is acceptable?
He should be apologising like mad, truthful and be doing anything he can to rebuild trust and make you think he's a decent dh to have.

GooseRocks Thu 26-Dec-13 22:19:10

Sorry been busy / out all day. Kids in bed now. We spoke this morning. He's absolutely adamant that, yes he danced with this woman, twice, but not slow dances. He danced with pretty much everyone at some point he says. I think he's telling the truth. I've told him that I'm not OK with him dancing with her at all tbh since the subject has come up. He's sorry, shouldn't have but nothing at all in it.

Colleague likes to wind him up, which I also believe. He did say that he wouldn't go next year and was a bit put out when I agreed that that might be best! We'll see.

He also accepted that he can be a bit of a flirt, particularly when he's had a drink, tbh honest so can I, but he has never and will never cheat on me. Which is pretty much how i've always seen it.

It's been a horrible few days and I'm far from insecure usually but it's quite shocking how your confidence can be knocked. Thank you all for your responses.

neiljames77 Thu 26-Dec-13 22:25:47

BLIMEY!!! It looks like I hit the nail on the head. (first time for everything)

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Thu 26-Dec-13 22:28:23

This sounds like a better outcome goose rocks thanks

GooseRocks Thu 26-Dec-13 22:30:44

To a point neiljames! But I didn't accuse him of anything. I did ask him to explain himself. I only make the point because I've surprised myself with my calmness. Always thought I'd be a plate thrower!

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Thu 26-Dec-13 22:35:08

How did you hit the nail on the head nealjames?

We could all see that this was a weak cowardly person hiding the truth from his partner for 'an easy life' What did you expect her to do?

GooseRocks Thu 26-Dec-13 22:36:40

Thanks thisis. All good.

JaceyBee Fri 27-Dec-13 10:40:26

Sorry but I think it's totally unreasonable to make him miss his Xmas do next year just because he might dance with his ex! So what if he dances with her?

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