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Can u please give me your opinion on my partner.

(77 Posts)
AngelinaK Wed 25-Dec-13 21:40:45

Hi there. I had a name change for this. I reply to others but was always too gutless to have my own thread.
Here it goes as briefly as I can not to bore anybody too much...
My dp and I have been together for 10 years and he is 10 years older then me. We have 3 year old daughter and we have our own house (just on his name, we r not married and I didnt think its important and who's name it is anyway) We had our ups and downs but still together. I was very young when we met (19) and now I feel like I have 'outgrown' the relationship maybe? He's very different to me, very aggressive personality, doesnt like to talk, doesnt like to go anywhere, we used to argue a lot from the start, he raised his hand few times on me(I slapped him back in rage btw) and then I got pregnant... He was a little boy all pregnancy and first year after the birth was evil, he wasnt much home but when he was it was awful. I had a baby blues and was sensitive and in need of support and cuddles so to speak. Lets just say it was hard and I didnt cope well.
Now we r still together but we r not close. Too much has happened... He 's not happy when I go out for a dinner with girlfriend (which I never did, I was never out during my time with him) he's not interested in anything and I'm... I like cinema, art, travelling, dancing....
We have a stable home so to speak but and I dont know what to do...
He can be very nice, very good and loving and lovely dad but when its bad... Its bad and it leaves me very anxious and worried.

I dont know what I'm asking here. Just had to get it out. Thank u for reading.

Merry Christmas!

NatashaBee Wed 25-Dec-13 21:44:16

Why is it not important whose name the house is in?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 25-Dec-13 21:44:54

My opinion ? He is a cunt and neither of you should be modelling a relationship like this for your child

You did ask

Did you invest money in the house? Do you pay the mortgage?
He sounds dreadful, by the way.

SundaySimmons Wed 25-Dec-13 21:50:06

You have done a lot of thinking about your relationship and your life and how you are not content with your lot.

Your next step should be to talk to your partner. He may well also feel similar to you or at the very least, realise that there is not complete harmony between you.

I would advise not having this chat at home, where there is opportunity for it to turn into an argument or raised voices.

If someone can look,after your child for an afternoon, is it possible for you both to go for a walk, perhaps along a coast as the sea aid is always good for clearing your head. Or just go somewhere that you can both talk in confidence but calmly.

Your goal I presume is to stay together and regain the closeness you once had and to do more things together. If he is too set in his ways and doesn't want to embrace any changes in the relationship to improve it, which will involve both of you giving and taking, then sadly you may both have to consider parting but doing what is best for your child and hopefully keeping things amicable so that the split is as harmonious as can be under the circumstances.

Good luck x

CosmicDespot Wed 25-Dec-13 21:50:39

It sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. Why did you think it unimportant to have your name on the deeds?

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Wed 25-Dec-13 21:53:45

Is he still violent towards you? He sounds like one to avoid, to me.
You should register an interest in the house as you will then be entitled to a share should you separate.
Land Registry.

Spero Wed 25-Dec-13 21:54:00

I don't think your home can be very stable if he is aggressive to you and the house is in his sole name and you are not married.

From your brief description, this does not sound like a healthy or happy relationship, nor one that could become so. I am sorry. I hope you find some resolution. It will be very important for your child to grow up in an atmosphere free of aggression.

Blushingm Wed 25-Dec-13 21:54:30

If it helps, when my dsis was married her name wasn't on the deeds or mortgage but she could prove they'd lived as man and wife and both contributed to the household, decorating etc and she'd helped pay the mortgage and when they got divorced she was awarded half the equity in the house

Spero Wed 25-Dec-13 21:56:42

It is possible to establish a beneficial interest in a house when you don't have a legal interest, but it can be very difficult and you certainly can't assume anything.

I would be interested to know what his justification for this is. Doesn't sound like he is very invested in this relationship or very loving towards you and your child.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 25-Dec-13 21:57:03

The OP is not married to him.

Spero Wed 25-Dec-13 21:59:14

You don't have to be married to argue for a resulting or constructive trust. The fact that you are not married is why you will have to argue for that if you want to have any sniff of the equity.

Fair enough he might not 'believe' in marriage, but he ought to 'believe' in the mother of his child having a legal right to occupy the family home and to share in its financial worth.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Wed 25-Dec-13 22:03:09

Blushing, your dsis was married, the op is not - key difference.

There is no such thing as a common law spouse and in order to exercise property rights as after separation an interest must have been registered with the Land Registry.

Spero Wed 25-Dec-13 22:07:01

You don't have to register anything with the land registry unless you want to protect an interest on sale.

Unmarried women can get awarded proportion of equity but they will have to show their was common intention to create a trust....

Anyway. Diversion. It is, to put it mildly, difficult to protect yourself if you are not married, if you have a small child, and your partner has the major family asset in his sole name.

Why is that? What reason does he give? Do you even talk about it? If not, why not?

Leaving aside the aggression (which is always number one red flag) this would be most seriously 'wrong' issue for me.

EdithWeston Wed 25-Dec-13 22:23:38

"I don't now what to do"

Is that really true? Or do you know you want to leave, but can't quite face the reality?

Or do you want to find a path to reconciliation (often very difficult,a nd requires commitment from both - would he be up to it?)?

AngelinaK Wed 25-Dec-13 22:53:16

Thank you for your replies and concern. Thank you.
He's not pure evil. Actually he's good man in general.
But different to me... I'm sensitive and full of live. He's very much not sensitive, cant argue with him "normal" as he either turns rude or doesnt want to talk - I hate it, I like to talk things through. Get closure and move on. When we bought the house, I was heavily pregnant and made redundant, the estate agents were being delayed by the bank with the mortgage. They were making problems with borrowing the money to pregnant and redundant woman. The idea was to have my name there but it didnt work out.

Fairenuff Wed 25-Dec-13 23:12:59

He is not a good man, he is an emotionally controlling man and an aggressive bully. You do not have a stable home. Your dd is not in a safe environment.

AngelinaK Wed 25-Dec-13 23:51:22

I'm lately "switched off" from the relationship, no sex, no sweet kisses, I'm probably annoying to him as well. I'm not saying I'm perfect. Not the easiest of characters, its just that right now I feel trapped. sad

Fairenuff Wed 25-Dec-13 23:56:38

How are you trapped? You are not married, you do not have joint financial commitments. Find out what benefits you would be entitled to if you moved out.

AngelinaK Thu 26-Dec-13 00:06:58

We have a child together, I dont have family locally, I dont have a full time job, I'm in two minds about everything.
Being married or not makes no difference.
The brake up of the family is the same painful.

raisah Thu 26-Dec-13 05:52:14

speak to womens aid as they have experience in this type of thing and they can advise you on your options. Regarding your joint property, speak to a solicitor as the first 30 mins are free.

raisah Thu 26-Dec-13 05:57:26

Use the benefits calculator to find out what you will be entitled to if you left him.

Lizzabadger Thu 26-Dec-13 06:02:45

Agree with the advice to contact Women's Aid. He is emotionally and physically abusive. This is not a good environment for you or your child.

raisah Thu 26-Dec-13 07:50:04

Are you working or want to work? It might be useful to get a temporary save money if you need to set up home independently from him later on.

Learn to be as independent as you can, learn how to drive, change light bulbs & set up utility accounts. It sounds crazy but its sad how many people dont know how to do this and rely on others for this type of thing.

AngelinaK Thu 26-Dec-13 10:22:20

Thank u ladies. Luckily I do know how to drive, change light bulbs and set up utility accounts smile dont think I need womens aid, dont think they could help here. Its just a matter of staying or leaving and seting up a new home.
Also dont think my daughter would deal very well with the brake up :/

Fairenuff Thu 26-Dec-13 10:24:52

She will deal with a break up better than living in this environment for years on end.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 26-Dec-13 10:29:17

She's only 3, the sooner you do it the quicker she will get over it. If you both love your DD and are prepared to put her interests first you can be good co-parents whilst living apart.

Fairenuff Thu 26-Dec-13 10:38:26

Whatever happens to her, because of her young age and limited experience, she will consider it 'normal'.

So if you separate and she lives mostly with mummy in mummy's house and is well looked after, safe and loved, she will be happy.

Daddy will visit and she will get to go to daddy's house sometimes too. As long as he is kind to her, meets her needs and keeps her safe, she will be happy.

Both of her parents will be happy and confidant.

However, staying in the environment she is in now will also be 'normal' to her and she will grow up thinking that this is how adults behave. This is the sort of relationship she can expect for herself when she grows up.

Which would you rather she has?

Spero Thu 26-Dec-13 11:00:38

I agree with other posters, she is young enough for your separation to become her new 'normal' very quickly.

There is research showing the trauma of separation become much greater for older children - they are old enough to understand more of what is going on and can get drawn into adult distress.

But something's got to change hasn't it? He is aggressive, you feel trapped. Either you can talk to one another about what has to change or you leave him.

If someone is aggressive and controlling I don't see much point in trying to talk to them as you are just creating another arena for them to exercise control and be aggressive.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 26-Dec-13 17:11:07

Too many excuses, love

You are hiding behind them and intent on keeping your young daughter around a very poor role model

You have a choice, she does not

Cabrinha Thu 26-Dec-13 19:39:36

My 4yo was perfectly happy with two homes. I thank my stars I went for it before she got old enough to think divorce was a bad / difficult / sad thing.
Yesterday I dropped her off half way through Xmas Day all smiles without a backwards glance to me.
How much nicer that risking doing that with an older child who might be emotionally torn, worrying about wanting to see her dad when mummy was left alone.
He's sounds like a prick.

AngelinaK Thu 26-Dec-13 20:47:48

Thank you all again for taking time to reply to me.
I know this is not the most "Exciting" thread in here...

DD seems happy now, she's got a nice house and loving parents, we dont fight around her. We dont make her miserable or anything, but she's somehow more happy when she's alone with me hmm and behaves better. She doesnt see him as often as me due to his working hours.
I just dont know what to do. Stay and work it out. Or leave. And if leave - where to go and how to manage everything alone and a toddler. Also I dont know how he will react if I leave? What is dd will be sad and crying for daddy all the time? What if he will get full custody of her as he's got full time job, own house, car and safe environment for her? What if he will get involved with some horrid woman and introduce her to dd? Also the grass is not always greener...
I'm scared and confused.

Spero Thu 26-Dec-13 21:38:29

I left an emotionally abusive man when our daughter was 3.5. She cried a bit and was very clingy with me for about two years. But I suspect this was not so much due to our separation, but rather he was such an arse and wouldn't be clear about when he would see her - she found that hard.

6 years later she seems absolutely fine - doing well at school, has friends etc.

I may be wrong about how well she is doing, only time will tell. But when I was with her dad, I cried almost every day, I was very lonely and unhappy as I knew I wasn't loved. I am pretty sure growing up with that would have been much, much worse for her.

You cannot look into the future. Many things could go wrong. Or could go right. All I can say is you must make the best decision now with the best info you have. As a general rule, decisions made out of fear tend not to have good results in the long term.

tiamariaxxx Thu 26-Dec-13 21:55:33

It sounds like your not happy in that case you need to end it for the sake of you and your daughter. Have you got somewhere you can go? Do you think he will turn nasty if you try to leave? I think it sounds like an horrible situation to be in, i know its easier said than done but i would just leave i think ive gron up in an unhappy home and i wouldnt want it for my kids.

My friend was in a similar situation a while back sh came crying that he had hit her (again) wanted to leave him but house was in his name. She started looking for private rents to live her grandma was all set to give her a deposit and everything, my OH was all set to help her move her stuff out while he was working one sunday day she was due to pay deposit she chickened out, few weeks later shes found her self pregnant, theyve just moved into a nice big posh house which is in his name their all loved up again, sure it will happen again but im keeping out of it

5HundredUsernamesLater Thu 26-Dec-13 22:08:53

I don't think there's much chance of him getting full custody so I wouldn't worry too much about that.
Also, unless things have changed recently, to be able to claim any of the equity in his house you have to prove you put money into it. This is very hard to prove as its not enough to have just made a contribution to the monthly outgoings. If for example you paid for a conservatory and have the receipts to prove it you may be entitled to something but receipts from tescos to say you fed him while he paid the mortgage won't count.
I appologise if this is now not the case but I am going on my own experience of the same thing around 9 yrs ago. After living with the father of my child for ten years in his house I got nothing when we separated.
I hope you sort things out one way or the other, it is a hard decision to make. If you decide to go it alone it probably will be a struggle to start with but it does get easier once you get settled into your new life.

AngelinaK Thu 26-Dec-13 22:36:18

Thank u for all your advice, its so useful and helpful.
Thank u so much.

I'm having good enough life, my dd is safe and happy, I'm so scared she will be upset if I take her away from her daddy, her room and her environment. I'm scared how her father will deal with the brake up - I think he would "die" out of shock. He loves her, but he could be nasty to me.
I'm scared of her growing up in a broken family. I love her so so much. She's lovely sweet and very sensitive little girl.

Do I have good enough reasons to leave?
I just dont know... emotionally I just checked out from that relationship, but I wish him well anyway.

Regarding the house... I dont have receipts for the furniture and the decorating I did :/ not even tesco grocery receipts smile :/// only thing I could maybe prove is that I borrowed money from my family to add to the mortgage but that wasnt much anyway. He's the breadwinner. House is his. Truth is I'll have to move out, its his house and I'm the one leaving.,.,

tiamariaxxx Thu 26-Dec-13 22:40:16

I know it might upset your dd now but in the long run she would better and your better doing it while shes young if your going to other wise you will end up stuck in a rutt, what happens if you have another baby?

Have you got a bit of money put away ?

AngelinaK Thu 26-Dec-13 22:52:41

I CAN NOT imagine having another baby with him...
and I dont have any savings....

tiamariaxxx Thu 26-Dec-13 23:08:51

I can only imagine how horrible the situation is for you. If you didnt have your daughter would you leave him?

raininginsuburbia Fri 27-Dec-13 08:48:17

Your daughter may not hear the arguments but she will feel the tension in the house. She will know that mum and dad aren't happy but she won't know why. So she is likely to blame herself. It's just what children do. That could be very damaging for her.

The practicalities of splitting are difficult. It is painful and messy and awful. But staying in a dead relationship with someone who is nasty to you for the rest of your life is worse.

AngelinaK Fri 27-Dec-13 09:55:59

Can I just ask how your(or your friends children) coped with brake up? Visiting daddy and future step parents?

I really think that if I didnt have my daughter - I would leave...

And u r right.... DD definitely feels the tension between us - she's very sensitive and intuitive.

Ladies thank u so much for taking time to reply, I deeply appreciate it.

FunkyBoldRibena Fri 27-Dec-13 10:06:07

He's not pure evil. Actually he's good man in general

Actually if he is behaving as you say then no, he is not a good man in general. He probably pretends to be a good man, especially to outsiders but a good man he is not.

AngelinaK Fri 27-Dec-13 19:03:57

U might be right.... :/
So hard... :/

Loopytiles Sat 28-Dec-13 07:12:49

He is NOT a good man or father. He is emotionally and physically, and financially abusive. You can't "work it out" with someone abusive.

It might not be as hard as you think to leave. You can make plans, get legal, benefits and housing advice. Womens Aid would be appropriate - why are you dismissive of this possible source of help? You seem tobe minimising the abuse and in denial about how, if you stay, it will hurt your daughter.

Loopytiles Sat 28-Dec-13 07:16:12

Also on the "we have our own house" and "stable home", HE has those things, you don't.

AngelinaK Sat 28-Dec-13 22:39:29

We have normal every day life and he shares all his money with me no problem. He's better then many man I know...
But he's got difficult character, dont know how to argue and he makes me anxious often. He's really annoying now, I think I changed, outgrown the relationship, its been 10 long years.... Right now I'm not very confident... Afraid what future might bring.... :/

You ask how the children might cope Goethe the break up...well,every child is different and I would not want to generalise but i recently split up with my (also considerably older) H. We never argued in front of the DC either, but they must have picked up on the tense atmosphere. Cod psychology this may be but my DS developed a stutter in the months running up to the split that vanished within a fortnight of H moving out. Children don't have to hear arguments to be affected by an unhappy marriage, sadly.

Goethe? With!

feelingvunerable Sun 29-Dec-13 06:32:25

I think you need to leave. Agree with the poster who advised not to talk to him. He is aggressive and abusive.

I think deep down you know that this relationship is dead.
You and your child will be much happier without him.

You ask is this reason enough to leave, of course it is. There is no law stating that people have to stay together suffering!

Speak to a solicitor to get some advice and clarify things for you.

SoWhatDoWeDoNow Sun 29-Dec-13 06:38:05

All the other stuff is irrelevant. You voluntarily had a child with a man who you already knew was grumpy, argumentative, controlling, aggressive and physically violent. What does his not wanting to go to the cinema have to do with anything? confused

Spero Sun 29-Dec-13 10:17:50

Like I said, you can't predict the future. You might leave him and never find anyone else.

So what you have to do is look at what you do know.

This man is unpleasant. He makes you feel anxious. He is aggressive. Your daughter will see all this and it will set her template for dealing with men in the future. He has not put you on legal title for house. You are not married. Your circumstances are thus very insecure.

Will he change? Does he want to change? What happens when you talk to him about this?

If you feel you can't talk to him about this, there is your answer right there.

When I left my abusive ex, I weighed it all up. I thought - if I am never in a relationship again, will that still be better than the life I live now? And the answer was yes, a hundred times yes.

BUT I appreciate I was lucky in that I had a job that could make me financially independent, even with child care. Maybe my decision would have been different if I had been leaving him to go on benefits, not sure of where I would end up living?

I don't know. I like to think I would have made the same choice, for both mine and my daughters sake. I would have just got sadder and sadder if I stayed and I think he would have just got more abusive because that seems to be the pattern- they test what you will put up with and then push the boundaries a little further each day.

Go and see someone to get advice about finances and help you might be entitled to. Is there a citizens advice bureau near you? Or there are websites where you can work out what benefits you might get. Lean on friends and family.

Your future might not be happy if you leave. But I am guessing it will almost certainly be unhappy if you stay.

pictish Sun 29-Dec-13 10:34:01

This thread is really sad.
I am awash with helplessness.

OP - one day you will look back on this and wonder where your head was at, calling him a good man and a lovely dad, and trying to convince us your home is happy and stable.
I know you will, because his behaviour will continue and escalate. One day you will have had your fill, and you'll leave.

A few women on this thread used to be you, and they know your partner. They know how determnined you are to make it work, and how futile that is.
You just need time to come to the same conclusion yourself.

In the meantime, seriously consider what expectations your daughter will have of relationships, witnessing her parents. Tyrannical dad and frightened mum.

Good luck to you.

Fairenuff Sun 29-Dec-13 11:37:35

I know it's hard to separate but sometimes I do wonder why people post. They ask for advice then, when it is given they start with a load of reasons why they can't/won't do it.

What do you want us to say OP?

Ok, yes stay with him. You're not happy but you can sacrifice the next 20 years of your life to protect your dd from the difficulty of separation. She will learn from you and him all about relationships and probably become very fucked up.

But, hey, at least the family is together, that's the important thing to focus on.

Spero Sun 29-Dec-13 13:28:01

They post, I suspect, because deep down they know. But they need reassurance, confirmation, a push, whatever.

No one would post something like this if they were 100% happy in their relationship. It just wouldn't occur to them. Hence familiar moan that the relationship board is all about the 'nasty' men. Well, yes, no one would bother asking for help with their 'lovely' man, they would just sit down together and have a chat or go and see a film or just be NICE to each other like mature adults are supposed to.

It took me five years or thereabouts to exit my abusive relationship. But I think I knew after a few months it wasn't right or healthy. But I was in my early 30s, I wanted a family, I wanted to be loved and it is amazing how you can keep sticking your head in the sand when you want to.

the most dangerous lies are the ones we tell ourselves.

So I am never going to knock or express bafflement at people who post like this. This used to be me.

It is NOT emotionally, practically or financially easy to disentangle yourself from an abusive relationship. It takes most of us years. And this is part of the process.

AngelinaK Sun 29-Dec-13 19:00:21

SoWhatDoWeDoNow - thats a bit hurtful and not fair... The cinema and all the rest was just a description of his behaviour and personality - lack of interest in life etc.
Yes I had a child with a wrong man - guilty as charged.

Spero - He can be very unpleasant, he didnt lift his hand on me for a long time, we didnt fight badly for a long time, so nobody slapped anybody so to speak. Sounds awful written down :/ he can be dreadful and make me anxious like hell. But many men do I guess... I dont have a job and living with my parents is not an option really...

picstih - he's not a monster and I'm not frightened by him. DP and DD currently playing and running around and I'm resting with my tablet.

Firenuff - I posted on here to find out other women opinion and to really re think everything... Its hard to talk to people in real life... Its hard to cope on your own...

Thank u so much for replying... All your advice is really very usefull x

pictish Sun 29-Dec-13 20:18:22

Pictish, he's not a monster and I'm not frightened by him

but when its bad...Its bad and it leaves me very anxious and worried
he can be dreadful and make me anxious like hell

Hmm... I would equate being very anxious and worried with being frightened.
I wasn't alluding to you cowering beneath his raised hand OP. You seem to think that domestic abuse is about being hit (which you have been, more than once) and screamed at. A television representation.
It's often far more insidious than that.

And many men don't btw. This carry on is not par for the course you know.

AngelinaK Sun 29-Dec-13 21:40:47

Domestic abuse can be physical and emotional - I know that.
I'm just really confused about how I feel and what to do.
I'm "navigating" towards the brake up... Just scared sad

pictish Sun 29-Dec-13 22:06:24's very scary. xxx

AngelinaK Fri 17-Jan-14 22:30:43

Guys its me again with my rather boring thread...
We just had a fight, he got proper angry, blaming me for everything etc, some pushing from both sides, baby woke up, I had to go to calm her down because he was going to play bowling and to the pub!!!
I'm shaken up and fed up. I'm not the best partner in the world... but I deserve better... I think...,

The house is on his name so before he left je told me to fuck off, I would preffer if he moved out so dd can stay in her family home but I'm sure he wont go !
What if he decides to keep dd. ?!?!?!
I'm not working! I'm part time student with no money and was just starting to look for work !
Neighbours and friends like him. He's working and earns decent enough money. I'm scared. sad((((

AngelinaK Fri 17-Jan-14 22:31:25

Guys its me again with my rather boring thread...
We just had a fight, he got proper angry, blaming me for everything etc, some pushing from both sides, baby woke up, I had to go to calm her down because he was going to play bowling and to the pub!!!
I'm shaken up and fed up. I'm not the best partner in the world... but I deserve better... I think...,

The house is on his name so before he left je told me to fuck off, I would preffer if he moved out so dd can stay in her family home but I'm sure he wont go !
What if he decides to keep dd. ?!?!?!
I'm not working! I'm part time student with no money and was just starting to look for work !
Neighbours and friends like him. He's working and earns decent enough money. I'm scared. sad((((

Leafmould Fri 17-Jan-14 22:59:06

Oh no! I'm sorry things have escalated.

If you have not got the stomach for a really long battle to get possession of a house which is not legally yours, and want out, I say don't let the house tie you down.

I separated from my partner and left him in the family home, and it works great. The kids room is exactly as I left it so it all feels very comfortable and familiar when they see him. If I had forced him to move out he would be living in cheap accommodation which would not be suitable for the children to stay in.

He can't realistically 'decide' to keep your child. Why do you think he can arbitrarily make that decision. It has to be negotiated and while you are the main care giver she will be with you until you negotiate contact with her dad.

I say get out while he wants you out, that way he is unlikely to make it difficult for you.

Good luck. It is scary, but thousands of women felt just like you and got out and love their lives now.

joblot Fri 17-Jan-14 23:04:38

Op this is shit. A decent partner doesn't make you anxious. Start planning your escape

EllieInTheRoom Fri 17-Jan-14 23:16:18

What's the usual pattern OP? What do you think will happen next?

Will he be sorry and so you will stay? he'll be nice for a while and then it gets worse again but next time it might be harder for you to leave?

Will he not mention it all, you both carry on as normal, until the next time?

Or will it just keep escalating?

Whichever way it goes, there aren't really many options for you. As PP said, get out now while he wants you out and it is fresh and before he can suck you back in.

As a single mother and a student you will get financial support, through benefits and off him. Don't stay just for the house, move on, it's not worth it.

youre right, you do deserve better. he will never be good enough. You can do it, it's time now


Spero Sat 18-Jan-14 09:28:31

Have you got any where to go? Friends family? If so go now. The rest can be sorted out. I am worried that you are not safe as this will escalate.

AngelinaK Sat 18-Jan-14 14:30:21

EllieInTheRoom - the pattern is that he will ignore me and carry on as normal. He will pretend that nothing happened. Its awful. I feel like I'm losing my mind. My daughter shouldnt be living in the house with such a heavy atmosphere in the air :/ I dont really have friends that I could go to.... I dont want to be staying over for few days everywhere... and live like homeless with my daughter.
I have got no money... I dont know what to do.
I cant stay with my parents... My partner could live with family or friends or rent something, would be easy for him but he thinks that the house only belongs to him!!!! sad((

TeenyW123 Sat 18-Jan-14 14:37:34


Retread your thread. There's a couple of links on the first page for Women's Aid and Entitledto. Get phoning, and if you don't get through straight away keep trying. They're quite busy, but as your situation has escalated do not worry about wasting their time, just get through and listen to their advice and start planning to leave.

If you can get details of FW's finances and assets, you may be entitled to something if you separate as you will be the responsible parent for your innocent daughter.

TeenyW123 Sat 18-Jan-14 14:38:06


AngelinaK Sat 18-Jan-14 15:45:44

Really scary... sad how did I get here... ? No money, no career, lovely daughter that will grow up with just me...
I dont know what his reaction will be to all the leaving....

Custardo Sat 18-Jan-14 16:03:12

have you got any facts at all? googled anything? looked into benefit entitlement, local rentals, planned out what you would have to do, what money you would have? factored in your studies? can you take a break and go back? what work is available in your area? childcare

there are so many unknowns here and each persons situation is different.

you really have to get some knowledge behind you, do some budgets, do some research. at some point, you are going to have to do this.

I am going against the grain here. In your situation, i would be very canny about finances and i would get my fucking name on that house - if there is equity in it.

secondly, i would squirrel money away, a tenner here or there, under the corner of a carpet in your closet or bedroom or in the pocket of a jacket hung up in the closet.

next i would ensure i have all relevent documentation i may need in the future.
birth certificates, passports especially, then copies of bankl details, bills that i am solely or party responsible for - so you have contact details for these. i would put them all in a folder or an envelope so they are all in one place. I would start adding receipts to these for anything that is paid for out of my bank account

I would start to try and seperate the finances on money owed so things will not be complicated - for instance if both your names on utility bills, start to change this to his name - you will need an excuse to get him to do this, but i'm sure you will think of something

most importantly i would do my research and figure out my options. i would write it out in an e-mail to myself in a brand new email address just for this purpose - remembering to untick the 'remember me' box on your computer. using a password he is unlikely to guess - so nothing relating to your daughters name. with password hints he does not know the answers to. in this email i would send myself the links to all the organisations who are likley to help me should i need it
womens aid
my solicitor

clio51 Sat 18-Jan-14 16:33:57

If you are really not happy, to the point you are miserable being there GO

Your daughter WILL adapt she's 3 she will be a happy little girl will you and you with her yes you will have a few problems but I'd rather have a problem that I can work out than being miserable hate the thought of him coming home etc. you and your daughter will end up being really happy together and so close.

Meanwhile start putting money aside from the housekeep whilst you first

Look on web for rented houses/apartments/flats for dhss claimants gumtree if you have one most main cities do.

Next as said benefits calculator to see how much you can get, you will obviously get your rent paid and council tax.

Dd is entitled to 15 hrs free child care a week check this out

You are so young to be in this situation, life is so short.

Get your tablet out and start looking

Ps it doesn't matter what DP thinks to you going, he's already told you to fuck off yes he will miss her but he will see her again. Think off yourself that's what he's doing ie walking out going to pub.

AngelinaK Sat 18-Jan-14 19:13:56

Thank you ladies for taking your time to reply...
Child Tax Credit is not enough to live on as a single mother.
DP makes decent money but the child maintance calculator showed up just 60£ per week (!!!) sounds like a joke...
In this situaction I cant afford to rent a place on my own :/
It also bothers me that he will get to live in our cosy tiny house that I painted, decorated and take care off !!!
Is it enough to just ask him to put my name on the house? Is it just a matter of filling up some papperwork and paying a bit of money for that? I'm trying to put some money away but its not that easy. Everything so expensive...

What a mess.

clio51 Sat 18-Jan-14 20:02:47

You will get
Child tax credit
Child benefit
Child maintenance
Income support for yourself
Free rent if you stay in your borough bedroom allowance
And lower council tax

Your focusing on all the wrong things ok you might have a cosy house but I'd rather live in a house than be on pins on what mood my DP is in

Do you really think he would just put your name on the deeds? Is that what you really what from all of this the house?

You could have a house/flat!

Allergictoironing Sat 18-Jan-14 20:02:55

Do you really genuinely think he will put your name on the house now, if he didn't when you first moved in? That is just wishful thinking on your part I'm afraid, he has no incentive to do that so why should he just because you ask him to - that would reduce the power he has over you.

Have another look at the benefits available to you, there are lots of different ones so you won't be expected to live of £60 a week including rent! Talk to WA and/or the CAB as others advised earlier in the thread, they will be able to give you a much better idea of what you can expect

Allergictoironing Sat 18-Jan-14 20:04:21

Ah cross-posted with clio51, who has given so much more specific info thanks

AngelinaK Sat 18-Jan-14 21:09:17

Child benefit, child tax credit and child meintanance is all silly money - I need to find a job to support myself and my little girl. No idea where the free rent would come from (?)
And as for the house.... I dont care about the property itself - I just dont want my daughter out of her family home. Moving places, living poorly. Thats all. I really need to talk to solicitor... I know its silly and that million other women did this but I 'm really scared.... sad

Allergictoironing Sat 18-Jan-14 22:18:52

Free rent would come from Housing Benefit. And lots of bits of silly money adds up to a reasonable amount to live on once that big bill is out of the way. Unless you're very fussy that is, and have become accustomed to a very comfortable lifestyle. Talk to CAB/WA (as we keep suggesting) and actually FIND OUT rather than dismissing everything as not enough, and try adding up what sensible household bills come to.

All I seem to be hearing from you is that the amount that thousands of single mothers cope very well on won't be enough for you?

clio51 Sat 18-Jan-14 22:47:57

As said housing benefit!!

The amount of money you would get from doing full time job wound ok but what more do you want then
Free housing
Help with council tax
I bet the money DP give you housekeep doesn't amount much more than the benefits you would get because your living rent free now!

You don't need as solicitor to tell you your benefits you need benefits calculator! Painting and decorator a house doesn't give you a claim on it as you haven't contributed any finance to it you have no claim on it.

Yes it hard and lots of women do it as you say but if you don't find out how you going to know

Gumtree. Your area eg manchester, London wherever you live For housing for dhss claimants. Search for the area you want to leave not all are grotty pokey flats
Benefits calculator to work out exactly how much you will get in you hand per week. Stop saying you scared and do it, you don't have to carry it through but at least you will have an idea.

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