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DH has announced he is bored and lonely... again...

(548 Posts)
MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Mon 23-Dec-13 10:28:24

Hi all,

Ive posted before about my relationship under the name s0fedup. Not sure how to namechane when doing a thread...

Anyway, I dont want to drip feed but tjis time last year I was newly pregnant (unplanned) dh didnt want baby, wanted to leave...

fast forward to baby being 5 weeks old. All ok I tjought, then we had a huge row when he pushed me whilst i was holding the baby.

He has form for making huge swweping statements where he says he doesnt love me blah blah blah

Anyway, baby got the D&V bug on friday night. Dc2 got it yesterday, i got it last night.

I was a wreck and he just got so wound up with the baby not settling. Its because he has never put the baby to bed or done any actual childcare. I have done every night since they were born (6months ago) in fact me and bubs sleep in the nursery together...

Anyway, I ended up settling baby after vomiting but she would only sleep on me. Not a kind work from DH.

Other dc stayed downstairs with dh until je came to bed.

I had to look after baby all night even though I was ill, a d even went into dc when he was sick at 4.

By 7am I had all 3 in thr nursery, i had to go into him at 7:45 to ask him to take 2 of them so me and poorly dc could rest.

He then and hour later cant settle baby, comes up gives her to me and says he needs a shower and is going out.
All grumpy, I ask whats wrong and he anmounces in a pained voice how bored and lonely he is!

Have i not noticed?? errr no,

Bit dramatic sighs, he leaves

WTAF???

He has done this so many times i am really angry, we have family coming today then my Dm for xmas!!!!!

Sorry for marathon rant, not sure how to feel?...

LondonNinja Mon 23-Dec-13 10:31:36

I'd feel like getting some black bags, filling them with his stuff and locking the door so he can miss his "boring" life.

Tell your family he's not there because he is bored and lonely.

He sounds worse than useless. Sorry, OP.

LightsPlease Mon 23-Dec-13 10:31:39

Why are you with him.?

mistlethrush Mon 23-Dec-13 10:31:52

Can you take the children and go to your DM without him for Christmas and show him what 'lonely' feels? He's being VVVU to expect you to do all the child care when you're ill. What do you get out of this 'partnership' as it seems rather one sided to me.

LondonNinja Mon 23-Dec-13 10:32:24

Sorry to hear you're ill, too. Make the most of your mum being there.

Fairenuff Mon 23-Dec-13 10:35:39

On your other thread were you advised to end the relationship by any chance? He sounds like an arsehole and he will never change. He doesn't care about you or the children, just himself.

pissedoffandupset Mon 23-Dec-13 10:37:30

He sounds incredibly immature and selfish.

I think probably get through Christmas first and then you need to have a serious conversation with him about the future and make it clear that if he can't support you -- physically and emotionally -- there's no future in the relationship.

Do you have anyone you could stay with for a couple of days if it came to it?

He's just a selfish knob isn't he. Do you expect him to change?

mammadiggingdeep Mon 23-Dec-13 10:40:29

Omg. I'd pack all his things in a bag, throw it out the front door, tell him he can go and find 'excitement' and more interesting company elsewhere...

What a nasty person. Bored????? Bored of family life? Aren't we at times? But normal people soldier on, are kind to each other and just enjoy the good times. Not looking after you or his dc through a sickness bug? Outrageous.

What do want to do? Do you want to be with him?

I'm so angry on your behalf.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Mon 23-Dec-13 10:41:08

yup,
advised to ltb.
Thing is when he is nice its great. I know i know it should be nice all the time.

He does this thing which is he will say the most nasty, unkind things and not really mean them. (He told me in counselling he just said it for effect)

Thing is it totally rocks my foundations, he knows this.

Even if he says everything is fine and he didnt mean any of it, u cant take it back...

He just called, like normal to ask if we need wrapping paper?

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 23-Dec-13 10:42:13

Should you cancel your family coming if you all have D&V?

And kick him out - sounds like you should have done that months ago.

Tinkertaylor1 Mon 23-Dec-13 10:43:37

Sorry to hear of your illness we all had it a couple of weeks ago ... Just awful.

I'm never one to say leave but this time I will. He sounds horrible. I still wouldn't be able to get passed the pushing you.

Life is too short to struggle and have a dick head fella. You might as well struggle and be happy .

flowers

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Mon 23-Dec-13 10:43:42

sorry was wroting and didnt see the last few posts.

I really dont know what I want. Every time this happens I care a little less...

Im afraid one day I will not care at all.

My eldest dc adores him. It would be horrific if we split. The middle one and baby are still small so I guess less impact.

What a dickhead

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing Mon 23-Dec-13 10:44:08

Is he 5?
What a revoltingly childish person.
Shower me with attention and make no demands or expect me to participate in normal family life or i'll have a tantrum. hmm
Normal people take the reins when their partner is ill. Not bleet about how they're bored and lonely.

Tinkertaylor1 Mon 23-Dec-13 10:44:18

Yes cancel family coming over and get on the couch with the kids.

Fairenuff Mon 23-Dec-13 10:44:39

Do you think he will change?

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Mon 23-Dec-13 10:45:28

I am feling much bettet today, havny vommed since last night. And family are coming just to drop presents and help.

We have only just moved and he has been basically working and doing DIY all the other time so I tjink he is feeling a bit overwhelmed

mammadiggingdeep Mon 23-Dec-13 10:45:53

My ex used to do that. Say nasty things then say it was out of anger and snap out of mood when he was ready. It's abusive behaviour.

He has left you sick and caring for sick kids all night. Tells you he's bored and lonely and flounces out.

Didn't ask you what needs doing. Didn't ask if you're ok. Didn't ask if you needed a nap. Didn't ask if you could manage some breakfast. These are normal things.

If I were you I'd muddle throug Xmas then be really honest with yourself about what you want in the future.

You deserve better than this

Ps- I'd tell him to shove his wrapping paper up his arse.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 23-Dec-13 10:47:08

DIY?? Overwhelmed? Bet you were overwhelmed at 4am dealing with sick on your own...

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Mon 23-Dec-13 10:47:16

Sorry, I keep missing all the replies!

He has changed, for the better, after we have one of these. So who knows...

I want my family around me, I wont have to talk to him!!

LightsPlease Mon 23-Dec-13 10:48:17

Irritating when people say oh but he can be nice...
Paedophiles and rapists are probably nice at times it doesn't retract their behaviour.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Mon 23-Dec-13 10:48:24

God, I bloody love MN smile

Whatnext074 Mon 23-Dec-13 10:48:30

I'd tell him to shove his wrapping paper up his arse

^ this ^

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 23-Dec-13 10:49:12

You are fooling yourself OP - he doesn't step up when it's needed and no amount of denial will clear up the sick when you can't.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Mon 23-Dec-13 10:50:36

3 weeks ago he had a massive go at me because "Im lazy"

I went mad, said wtf are you talking about! im iny last 2 weeks of mat leave in a wreck of a house and u want me to clean more????????

He appologised when I got home and said he massively underrstimated how long tjings take with 2 kids and a baby

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Mon 23-Dec-13 10:51:23

its all so sad isnt it.

I know he didnt want baby but what the hell can we do???

MissMilliment Mon 23-Dec-13 10:52:56

So he says the worst things he can think of to you just 'for effect'? But the effect he's going for is to knock you sideways and make you feel like shit. Who cares if he 'means it' or not? He's still saying stuff to deliberately upset you. The worst things he can think of.

This is not a good person to be with.

Fairenuff Mon 23-Dec-13 11:00:00

He has changed, for the better, after we have one of these. So who knows...

Wait. This is him better? You mean he used to be even worse than this.

And you are grateful and hopeful?

No, no, no OP. He is horrible and abusive. Do you want your children to grow up thinking this is the way that relationships work?

If you won't leave for yourself, do it for your poor children sad

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Mon 23-Dec-13 11:02:18

just read another thread about a DP who doesnt like pitching in...
what do they think the other option is?

lonely???

mammadiggingdeep Mon 23-Dec-13 11:05:52

It doesn't matter if he underestimated how long it takes to do things with 2 kids....he called you lazy!! Unacceptable.

He is a twat. Would anyone else in your life call you lazy? Watch you nurse children and yourself all night without looking after you?! No. I'm betting your friends and family would be tripping over themselves to help you.

So ok, he didn't want another baby. You both had sex- it wasn't just your doing. The baby's here now- is he going to carry on being a selfish twat for ever?? How about he counts his blessings, stops being selfish and starts looking after his family properly.

If he's bored a d lonely (which he must believe he is- otherwise where did that come from), you should tell him to go get himself a better life. He is a let down.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 23-Dec-13 11:07:28

I think this is more than not pitching in op. he is trying to hurt you. Lazy? Bored and lonely...he is trying to grind you down.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Mon 23-Dec-13 11:11:48

I feel very calm.
As the years have passed I have dealt with these episodrs better.

I used to scream and cry, now I am just calm.

I think Im going to pretend the conversation didnt happen and formulate a plan to talk after xmas.

I mean what on earth is he going to achieve doing this today???

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Mon 23-Dec-13 11:12:24

I wont be ground down this time

mammadiggingdeep Mon 23-Dec-13 11:15:09

You're calm because you're all cried out. You're numb to it.

Been there. Everyone remarked how calm I was when the end finally came. In a way they make it easy for you. It's a relief in the end.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Mon 23-Dec-13 11:20:51

yup

No more tears wasted

MistressDeeCee Mon 23-Dec-13 11:23:23

Well he should stop being so boring and rude then perhaps he wouldnt be lonely. Whats he doing about being bored anyway aside from being whingy & unhelpful to you, OP? We all get bored at times..thats life, its not a storybook. Boredom isnt relieved by doing sweet f.a. about it except moaning to your partner. How about him getting a hobby? Aside from whinging? As for the lonely..he's just bloody rude, selfish and entitled. Good for you, for being calm. See what he does with his lonely and bored self. If he leaves then he's lazy and weak, and no use to your and DCs anyway.

neiljames77 Mon 23-Dec-13 11:23:49

How can he be bored and lonely? It sounds like you have a house full.
Or does he want you to ignore the kids he fathered and give him all your attention?

Fairenuff Mon 23-Dec-13 11:26:13

Did you see my post about your children OP? Can you bear to even consider the impact this will have on them if you stay in this abusive relationship?

mumtosome61 Mon 23-Dec-13 11:29:45

Actually, it shouldn't be "nice" all the time. Relatioships/marriage/parenthood all experiences times where things aren't as nice, just as we do with life. The difference between dealing with a bad time depends on the person who is dealing with it - ie, your husband is an immature buttache - I'm sorry.

You don't need this; illness, new baby, Christmas. I strongly suggest telling him to find somewhere else to stay this Christmas, if his life is so boring and lonely. I know some will say get through Xmas first, but I think the only real way to ram home to him what a selfish child he is, is to say - seeya. He can sit and have a deliriously "unlonely" Christmas and after that, see where things stand.

My Dad was an epic flouncer - knew when to turn on the charm and how to ignore the shit. He left my Mum holding baby, and then left altogether when he found a bit of skirt with some money. I'd suggest unless he decides to support you and the children at ALL times, not just when things are good, then turf him out and appreciate yourself x

Tinkertaylor1 Mon 23-Dec-13 11:30:20

I don't think it's you being calm op I think you have been conditioned to accept it.

This isn't your problem it's his. The last few posts are quiet minimising.

How do you think your dc will feel growing up in a house were their df tells their Dm that he dosnt love her and she is lazy . It's not healthy and they will think a unhealthy relationship is the norm. It's not.

He sound like a total dick.

SandyDilbert Mon 23-Dec-13 11:31:30

my ex used to do the same - tick along nicely then in a rage say the most abhorrent awful things. Used to knock me sideways. Had he really thought that of me all along. Then afterwards massive apologies, didn't really mean it, was angry, tired, frustrated ect - poor lamb. It is abuse, pure and simple. I hope you find the strength to get rid and stop making excuses for him.

MerryFuckingChristmas Mon 23-Dec-13 11:36:07

You are not "calm" you are beaten down.

Again.

This is a terrible example for your children to see, I am sorry to say. You are being verbally, physically and emotionally abused and now you have moved onto the stage of STFU for an easy life. Except you are still getting the abuse, so your subconscious plan has failed.

he will ramp up the physical stuff next

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Mon 23-Dec-13 11:53:15

hes just come in and announced that he needs 'man time'
he works in a female dominated job and is very stressfull and long hours.

He said "Ive come to a decision and its non negotiable" " I will be joining a football team again on sat or sun, and we need to spend more time together"

On saturdays he has an activity with my eldest, so I said you wont be doing that anymore then? no

I am speechless

Fairenuff Mon 23-Dec-13 11:57:51

You need to start protecting your children from him. Stop worrying about what he says and start thinking about their needs. You are neglecting their emotional wellbeing, are you aware of that?

MerryFuckingChristmas Mon 23-Dec-13 11:59:25

No plan of his is "non negotiable"

You can decide whether you accept it or not. You can decide whether you want you and your kids to live like this or not.

Tinkertaylor1 Mon 23-Dec-13 12:02:08

What a bully! angry

Op you need to dig deep and tell him to fuck off and stop being his 'little woman '

mammadiggingdeep Mon 23-Dec-13 12:03:46

It bloody is negotiable.

Tell him to jog on. Get rid.

What a fucker.

MerryFuckingChristmas Mon 23-Dec-13 12:04:57

TinPot Fucking Little Hitler.

I bet he's got a tiny cock.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 23-Dec-13 12:15:57

Merryfucking is right.

Bet he feels like a real big man not helping you all night, walking out, walking back in and informing you of his 'non negotiable' plans.

Fuck that. He is a joker.

doasyouwouldbedoneby Mon 23-Dec-13 12:16:21

No more tears wasted ???
Please no more life wasted on this selfish knob

MorrisZapp Mon 23-Dec-13 12:17:32

Get this idiot binned.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Mon 23-Dec-13 12:18:32

ha ha merrychristmas!!

I really really dont know what to say??????

I suggested he do it one night in the week instead of the weekend, you have to join a team you know apparently.

Oh heres the best bit... He gave up football 3 years ago because he had a bad injury which resulted in hospital time....

I never usually say this, but kick him the fuck out. Who the hell does he think he is. Manchild, pathetic excuse for a father.

Man time! Makes me feel sick.

Op, you are worth more than this waste of space. You worry about you splitting affecting DC1. Yet he shows no such regard for their feelings by dumping their mutual activity to go kick a ball round a muddy field and share a shower with 10 other grown men. (I like football btw, but not to the detriment of family life)

Tell someone irl, y mum, anyone. They will support you through this.

Fairenuff Mon 23-Dec-13 12:20:04

Oh God, he's even boring me now.

< yawn >

I'd say pack your bags love and fuck off. that's non negotiable pal.

Squitten Mon 23-Dec-13 12:20:48

Well you're the one choosing to put up with this OP. He treats you with contempt, has little regard for your children and sounds utterly selfish. It's only "non-negotiable" if you allow it.

When are YOU going to act?

MerryFuckingChristmas! Love it!!

Although may I point out all tiny dicked men are not like this wink

MerryFuckingChristmas Mon 23-Dec-13 12:21:04

Has he got a tiny cock, or not. Mumsnet needs to know fwink

MerryFuckingChristmas Mon 23-Dec-13 12:24:43

In the interests of research, y'all wink

Sorry, shall say no more. The most massive twat I ever knew was more than average in that dept.

Am just wondering why he needs to make himself look like the Big I Am. It certainly reflects some massive inadequacy. Not that OP should concern herself with that.

bigbuttons Mon 23-Dec-13 12:38:25

Op, can you say what you are hoping get from this thread? I mean that in the nicest way.
When I first realised, after many years that I was being abused by my ex, I posted here just to try and work out how acceptable or not his behaviour was.
I mean it is obvious that your h is a an abusive prick, but also that you are not ready to leave him either. What advice are you looking for?

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Mon 23-Dec-13 12:41:32

i dont know what i want from the thread.
listening ears, hand holding, advise, confirmation...
sorry

bigbuttons Mon 23-Dec-13 12:45:55

Don't be sorry.
This man is nasty. He puts you through the classic abuse cycle. You are ground down.
I am hoping that one day you will able to get you and the children out of the situation you are in.sad

Fairenuff Mon 23-Dec-13 12:46:17

I can confirm that this is an abusive relationship.

I can confirm that you are potentially harming your children by staying in this abusive relationship.

However, I am aware that some women will sacrifice their childrens' wellbeing for a man.

There is a lot of help out there if you want to leave. Not so much if you want to stay.

Which is it OP? Do you want to stay in this damaging relationship, or leave it?

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Mon 23-Dec-13 12:49:17

i dont really want him, im certainly not putting him in front of the dcs. I want to keep us all.together.
I dont want them away every otber weekend and I dont want them.to ha e mummy and daddy at home...

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Mon 23-Dec-13 12:50:22

My parents split when I was a teen.

It was awful and Im still sad now 20 years later.

Divorce is horrible for kids

secretsofsanta Mon 23-Dec-13 12:51:24

'Although may I point out all tiny dicked men are not like this '

Oh I see why my DH is such a teasure now.grin -- hung like a d

secretsofsanta Mon 23-Dec-13 12:51:40

Donkey

MerryFuckingChristmas Mon 23-Dec-13 12:51:53

Don't be sorry. No one is blaming you here. No one wants to add to his chorus that you are somehow to blame for his shitty behaviour.

You do have a choice though, love. I hope you make the right one very soon.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Mon 23-Dec-13 12:52:15

secret grin

MerryFuckingChristmas Mon 23-Dec-13 12:54:40

In my opinion, kids seeing such poor examples of how a partnership should be does lots more damage than their mum saying "enough is enough" and showing them that women don't have to tolerate this shit for the sake of a relationship.

They won't thank you in later life when it becomes clear you stayed for more of the same shitty treatment on their behalf. That is too much responsibility for them. And you are hiding behind it, sorry.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Mon 23-Dec-13 12:58:27

Divorce is horrible but staying is worse. What kind of message are the kids getting here? The message that men rule the roost, do what they like, when they like, are able to be rude, insulting, vile and useless - all at the expense of their family.

I'd be telling him to leave and that it's non-negotiable.

Btw OP, can I kindly suggest you look into counselling for the effect that your parent's divorce had on you, because at the moment you're putting how you feel about that ahead of your kids' welfare.

BetterWithCranberryWensleydale Mon 23-Dec-13 12:59:49

MerryFuckingChristmas speaks much sense. Staying in an emotionally abusive relationship does NOT help your children. I have never once suggested that someone LTB but it seems like the only sane option here. It's scary though so think it through. You already sound as though you do everything so not much would change there.

doasyouwouldbedoneby Mon 23-Dec-13 13:00:12

Divorce may be horrible for the kids but so is living with parents who are unhappy and have no respect for one another.
Please do not use your Dc's as a reason not to leave.

BetterWithCranberryWensleydale Mon 23-Dec-13 13:01:22

He actually keeps telling you that he doesn't like or want your family life together, maybe you should listen.

bigbuttons Mon 23-Dec-13 13:04:26

OP staying with this abusive man will be far far more damaging to your children than leaving him would be.
No matter how much you think you are protecting them from the worst of his abuse, you are not. They are living with the fall out on a daily basis. They are living with a woman who is completely down beaten.
They are witnessing a dysfunctional relationship and it will become their template for their future relationships.
Please do not fool yourself over this one.
He won't want to have them every other weekend either. He is a lazy shit. He is not going to give up a weekend for the kids.

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing Mon 23-Dec-13 13:05:57

True. 'I am unhappy but I stay for/because of you' is potentially more of a burden on a child than we realise, with the risk of them feeling like it's their fault, if only they weren't there, you would have been able to be happy, etc.

but it's easy from outside the situation to say that and to see how potentially damaging it is to a child and to their 'relationship template' but I know much more clouded by fear and misplaced guilt when you feel trapped in it and you really convince yourself that your children would be happier for you to be unhappy than not, because it wouldn't change the way their life is.

This man's done a right number on you, Malcolm. The nice bits get thrown in because it's easy (easier anyway) to leave someone who's always a bastard. But throw in a few kind words and you learn to live for them sad

You deserve better. And your kids deserve better than to grow up thinking he is an example of how to treat a woman.

And saying something 'for effect'? When the 'effect' is to hurt you?

Callous.

neiljames77 Mon 23-Dec-13 13:09:15

GlaiKitInAPearTree
At least after calling me odd earlier in the thread, you've redeemed yourself with those kind words. Thank you.

Fairenuff Mon 23-Dec-13 13:13:04

As you have chosen to stay with him, you should be aware that any sons you have will probably copy his behaviour when they are in adult relationships and any daughters you have will probably copy yours.

Are you ok with that? You are running the risk of ruining their chances of happy, equal, respectful relationships because they don't know what that looks like.

I also agree that you should consider counselling for yourself to talk about your parents' relationship and it's impact on your own relationship and learn how to protect your poor children.

badasahatter Mon 23-Dec-13 13:17:45

When I was in my early 20's I went out with a young man who was gorgeous, kind, generous. Then I got ill and he didn't come anywhere near. My mum, who was a fantastic judge of character,said 'you don't want a bloke who won't stay and look after you when you're poorly.'. She recognised that there would be times when I'd have illnesses and, hopefully, children, and the support of your partner is vital during this process.

We split up not long after the illness and though this chap was fabulous in so many ways, he wasn't the right man for me, and running at the first sign of trouble was one of the few ways this manifested.

My mum was right. If he won't look after you when you're sick, he's not what you need for your life long-term. What happens when you get old? What happens, God forbid, if you get proper ill? badly injured? incapacitated in some way that means he has to look after your dc and himself?? I wouldn't put up with it.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 23-Dec-13 13:20:14

Fast forward 25 years. I think your kids would be asking you why you stayed. You'll be broken and they'll ask you why you've put up with the selfish twat all these years. I don't think they'll thank you when you tell them it was for them. It'll make them sad.

MorrisZapp Mon 23-Dec-13 13:21:31

I wouldn't worry about missing the kids at the weekends, he won't bother his arse with them if you split.

Fairenuff Mon 23-Dec-13 13:23:38

He doesn't bother his arse with them now!

neiljames77 Mon 23-Dec-13 13:26:50

Could your husband have taken the kids to watch football when he wasn't playing? I used to take my kids to watch the team I played for. It gave them fresh air and Mrs neiljames77 could have a lie-in in peace until lunch time on sundays.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Mon 23-Dec-13 13:32:28

you know what my family is here, (2in their 70s) I was still in my yukky pjd from last night so i asked if they mind the baby and poorly dc while i have a quick one.

Of course, off u go

Even though the baby is screaming there is no hesitation.

And yet DH last night was getting crosser and crosser with baby telling me she wont go to sleep because I have indulged her, as I was bent over the toilet bowel.

Seeing it written down its ridiculous. I am an educated professional woman. How has it come to this???

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing Mon 23-Dec-13 13:33:10

It's the drip drip effect. That's what it is.

thanks

Fairenuff Mon 23-Dec-13 13:34:56

It has come to this because you won't do anything about it. Sorry, but you keep doing the same thing and expecting different results. That isn't going to happen. Ever.

This is your future. This is what you have to look forward to day in, day out. This is your choice.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Mon 23-Dec-13 13:36:08

the saturday activity involves going to watch a premiership team match, sometjing my dc is absolutly mad for.
He said he would take him to watch him but hpw is that comparable?

oh DC we are not going to ... now, daddy wants some man time so we will be going to my football now. You can stand on the sidelines unsupervised in tbe rain instaed!

Im sorry that sounds arsey smile

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Mon 23-Dec-13 13:38:14

god sorry so many typos! stupid phone!!!

I meamt to say, he is out today getting my present that he has moaned about all week. He doesnt know what to get me, (always did great presents before) I said not to bother, the fact that hes left it to the last minute speaks volumes

bigbuttons Mon 23-Dec-13 13:46:57

This will keep happening. You will keep posting about the horrors he heaps on you and you will keep putting up with it and your children will continue to suffer.
Are you actually reading and TAKING IN any of the advice people have bothered to write?
Sorry if that's harsh. but simply pointing out all his horrible actions and then refusing to address the issue means it will just carry on and on and on.

neiljames77 Mon 23-Dec-13 13:54:47

Come on, bigbuttons. It's not like it'd be an easy decision for her is it?
You might be offering tough love but the op might just want empathy and handholding. No need to have a pop at her.

Fairenuff Mon 23-Dec-13 13:56:25

Yeah, I think we get it now OP. Your dh is a horrible, selfish, abusive man who you will stay with and inflict on your children. We don't really need to hear any more about him.

However, if you need support to start thinking about how to extricate yourself from this situation, keep posting. Otherwise, there's not much more to be said that hasn't already been said on this thread and your last one.

themidwife Mon 23-Dec-13 14:02:11

We have all got D&V too. Last night 4 of us were puking plus I had explosive diaorrhea & pelvic floor failure while I was chucking my guts up. DD1 didn't make it to the toilet & threw up all over the floor just after DH had been & puked his guts up after I had just got back into bed. He went & got a bowl & cleaned it all up while I comforted her. Then later DD2 who is only 4 chucked up all over herself & her bed. Again he cleaned it up, stripped her bed & remade it & changed her pyjamas while I had my head in the toilet again. There was no sighing or protests apart from a joint I want to die

He wasn't bored or lonely or resentful. And DD1 isn't even his own child!! He certainly ain't perfect but he wouldn't think twice about sharing the grim stuff!

Your husband is behaving so incredibly selfishly! angry

bigbuttons Mon 23-Dec-13 14:03:27

that's why I asked the OP what she wanted from this thread. If she just wants to have moan and not have any advice then that's fair enough. If she wants to stay with him, which it seems she does then that's her business, I do feel for the dcs though.
However, it is incredibly frustrating to offer some comfort and help and be consistently ignored.
I have come out of a horribly abusive relationship. I know how hard it is, believe me.

tobiasfunke Mon 23-Dec-13 14:04:59

I think he needs a shock. It's all about him and how pissed off he is and how hard it is for him. He wouldn't be half so bored if he'd spent last night looking after his family.
Have you had strong words with him. I would threaten to chuck him out if he doesn't man the fuck up. Honestly -Man time -pfft!

mammadiggingdeep Mon 23-Dec-13 14:08:46

It's very very hard to call it a day. Very hard.

What you need to realise op is that it's harder to stay. He will wear you down. If you want this for the next 30-40 years, carry on doing nothing.

It's quite liberating telling a waste of space to fuck off and really meaning it. It is. You grow as a person and feel better than you have for a long time.

MerryFuckingChristmas Mon 23-Dec-13 15:34:19

I am sorry, love. This must be so difficult to hear. I think you know we are right though x

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts Mon 23-Dec-13 15:38:18

he sounds selfish and you sound like a sucker

yes I understand life and circumstances make things difficult and saying LTB is a sweeping unhelpful statement which does not take into account the intricasies of actually doing so

but in your case - after SUFFERING ILL with all the children

he wants man time

I swear to shit, I would tell him to fuck off the fuck end of fucksville

mammadiggingdeep Mon 23-Dec-13 15:40:54

Are you ok op? Are you feeling better? I really hope somebody is helping you out and you've managed to have a bit of rest x

MerryFuckingChristmas Mon 23-Dec-13 15:43:03

OP...this christmas, speak to some of your family or friends about how you feeling. Stop pretending everything is fine, because it isn't x

mammadiggingdeep Mon 23-Dec-13 15:47:11

Yes- being honest with somebody you trust, saying it all aloud helps you to recognise its reality. It's an important first step. X

MerryFuckingChristmas Mon 23-Dec-13 15:51:25

You give very good advice, MDD.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 23-Dec-13 15:59:33

Been there, got the t shirt. Reading the op sets off bad memories. Op is in 'the fog'. You can see it so clearly once you've broken out of it.

Shit at Xmas especially...I spent last Xmas fighting back tears and biting my bottom lip sad

MerryFuckingChristmas Mon 23-Dec-13 16:02:55

Sorry to hear that sad

Things are better this year ?

mammadiggingdeep Mon 23-Dec-13 16:05:12

Yep...

Mamma dig deep and found my life again smile

Not the best year ever but the pain and upset of ending it and doing it alone (2 young dd) is nothing compared to living it!!
X

MerryFuckingChristmas Mon 23-Dec-13 16:06:35

Good for you fsmile

AnyBagsofOxfordFuckers Mon 23-Dec-13 16:07:08

He pushed you when you were holding your tiny baby. That could've killed your child. A man like that should not be around children. Or anyone, frankly. Why are you with this abuser? By wanting to keep the family together, you are actually insisting on helping this piece of shit damage his children as much as possible. The cruellest fact of abuse is that by staying, the mother cannot avoid colluding in the damage of her children. Abuse of the mother is abuse of the children. I say it weekly on Mn, and I will keep on saying it until people stop sacrificing their children to the lie that a man who treats them like shit is not, and cannot be a good father. Sorry to be harsh, but if you will not leave a man who risks his own baby's life, then you are clearly going to stay and just keep posting worse and worse stuff on here, instead of taking real action. It breaks my heart for you, OP.but not as much as it does for your DC.

Whatnext074 Mon 23-Dec-13 16:18:06

mamma gives good advice, has got me through some difficult times on here.

Malcolm - I get where you are about not wanting to end your marriage, especially after experiencing the pain of divorce through your parents but, this is no way to live for you or your DCs. You need to show your DCs that you respect yourself enough not to put up with this shit (and I don't often swear).

Right now you are existing, getting by and not living. Dig deep, find some self esteem and do what you can for the long term benefit of you and your DCs.

I hope you feel better soon and maybe shoving the wrapping paper where the sun doesn't shine might be a good start.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 23-Dec-13 16:27:30

Yep...

Mamma dig deep and found my life again smile

Not the best year ever but the pain and upset of ending it and doing it alone (2 young dd) is nothing compared to living it!!
X

mumtosome61 Mon 23-Dec-13 16:29:20

Divorce is better than this abusive arsehole, lovely. I am a product of a divorce - and it was shit - but guess what? The decade long "keeping up appearances" was way, way harder and the thing that lives with me now, not the divorce and final separation - I was elated when that happened and I still am.

Do NOT allow your children to see what a father represents - it skewers perceptions for future life. It will be fucking hard to get out there, be a single Mum and deal with it but I am telling you now, from the horses mouth, that it is a far far better option than putting up with this for another X amount of years until you are conditioned into thinking it is normal - it's not, and you do not have to put up with it.

crazyspaniel Mon 23-Dec-13 17:05:00

He wants "man time". And I bet he felt like a proper man walking out and then coming back and issuing the little woman with a "non-negotiable" ultimatum.

A real man would be pulling his weight when his kids are ill.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Mon 23-Dec-13 17:30:34

hello
Sorry I managed to hide my own thread! what a wally!
Im just getting house tidy then putting dc to bed.

I really am listening to you all. It is hard to hear, I know.I need to though.

My friend in rl knows and its a relief to vent to hwr as well.
I told my dad and his partner last xmas, they were horrified.
DH was livid i had spoken to them.

I might spead to ddads partner tonight...

MerryFuckingChristmas Mon 23-Dec-13 17:35:14

You do what you need to do, love

If he has a problem with that, well...remind him he wants out anyway so why not just fuck off right now

Clutterbugsmum Mon 23-Dec-13 17:37:30

Yes tell anybody and everybody so you get support in real life, he doesn't want people to know how much of a shit he is, and keep you isolated.

I would also stop doing things for him. If he want 'man time' then he can fit in around doing his washing,cleaning and cooking. Until he finds his own 'man time home'.

Does he pester for sex, as well? Does he have sex with you whether you like it or not? Or does he have it with other women, or threaten to?
THis man is fundamentally selfish and you will be a lot better off without him. Make getting rid of him your New Year resolution.

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie Mon 23-Dec-13 17:53:39

Is this the hypochondriac DH who kept being too poorly to help out and had a nasty turn of phrase whenever he wanted to let off steam? I remember you were very worried about telling him he'd got you pregnant with DC3?

You are trying to push water up hill with this person. He is not cut out to be a partner, he is going to loathe anything that eats into what he sees as his time, as far as parenting goes he won't lift a finger unless it's in front of an audience.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Mon 23-Dec-13 17:57:54

yes donkey

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Mon 23-Dec-13 18:02:29

we tried counselling after the pushing incident but, we only did a few sessions. We were going through a good patch. I was not completly honest with her though, she knew he pushed me and that DCs saw. but i didnt tell her he put his hands around my neck.

I really am pathetic

I just want the good bits for me and the dcs. I know im weak. I just dont know how I could afford.to be a single mum...

MadhbhORave Mon 23-Dec-13 18:08:14

It just all sounds so exhausting......... you're trying to please him. You're jumping through his hoops.

You can be a single mother. You won't recover financially overnight but if you're prepared to endure a few years where you just have enough and no more then you will get through it. I am so much happier now. I could never please my x no matter how hard I tried. It was exhausting. He told me to shape up or ship out when I had a 7 week old baby. (house was too messy, I hadn't been paying him enough attention, no food he liked in the house, we hadn't had sex post partum).

When I think of it now, the effort I put in to pleasing him and he just made me miserable and never did a single thing to please me. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Ps, I hardly had the proverbial pot to piss in when I left, but we always had food and clothes and a roof and somehow we always, always had "enough" and now things are pretty good and I'm very grateful actually. So, don't let fear of being a single mother tie you to this dreadful man.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 23-Dec-13 18:08:20

You could afford it. Tax credits. Council tax discount. Maintenance. Housing benefit. You can do it.

He put his hands around your neck?

He is a piece of shit op. what good bits do you have? The times when you're having a laugh and getting along are times when you're having a laugh and getting along with a man capable of watching you throw up all night without helping and a man capable of putting hands around your neck. They are fake good times really. They're not good times if you're wondering when the next nasty comment, push, argument, flounce off will happen.

Jeez. He really is an arse. Tell your dad/brothers/make friends how he likes to put his hands round your throat. Then see what a man he is.

What.a.cock!!!

mammadiggingdeep Mon 23-Dec-13 18:08:58

* male friends...

mammadiggingdeep Mon 23-Dec-13 18:09:41

Ps. You are not pathetic. Come on op- dig deep here. Find your fighting spirit.

MadhbhORave Mon 23-Dec-13 18:09:52

NO you're not pathetic.

I had counselling too but it was a sham as I couldn't tell the counsellor how dreadful he was either. But you know what it doesn't matter now.

Counselling shmounselling, what really really really helped me was the psychotherapy I had after I left him.

To hell with the sham couple counselling. It's not worth trying to save.

badasahatter Mon 23-Dec-13 18:11:58

My sister had an abusive husband and she took years to leave him. She has been with her new partner now for over 12 years and he treats her like a queen. He has helped her to raise her two children like his own and more importantly, he loves her and cares for her, no matter what. My lovely sister says that it's like she moved somewhere new. She likes some things better, she misses some old things too, of course, but the fact that she's safe in her own home, that she doesn't have to hide her husband's actions from the kids all the time and the fact that she's not constantly on edge, just in case her ex-h has one drink too many and ends up screaming at either her or kids any more is worth more than all the tea in China.

I kept telling her, you need to change things, cos if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got. Having said that, I know it wasn't easy for her and I'm sure you'll be doing the same toing and froing in your head. She left her ex-H on Christmas Eve by the way...came up to our house with the kids and we catered her Christmas Dinner and pulled some gifts out of the bag for the kids, so they could have a good day. Hope you manage to sort out your priorities.

bigbuttons Mon 23-Dec-13 18:12:41

They aren't good times. They are simply not the worst times. When you are being abused any tiny space when there is a lack of abuse seems like heaven on earth. It's like being bashed with a saucepan and thinking the few minutes when it stops are wonderful. No they are not wonderful they are what most people would think of as NORMAL.
For you the abuse is normal and the periods of calm are good times.
I know that I have been there.

neiljames77 Mon 23-Dec-13 18:14:21

You're not pathetic at all. You're putting what you believe to be best for your children before your own well being and happiness.

MadhbhORave Mon 23-Dec-13 18:16:15

Just figure out how to get safe first. I moved to my parents and I was entitled to some benefits. Just get safe first and take it from there. You will be ok.

Do you know what I know firsthand??? that you have to be incredibly strong to live with this level of torture. All the normal things that are easy for women who're married to regular normal nice men are a million billion times harder when you're tiptoeing around an asswipe like this man and like my x.

But somehow you're doing it, with small children!

Get away from him, the albatross around your neck, the size 13 boot on your soul and channel your strength and your energy in to getting back on your feet and repairing your self-esteem, cos he will have damaged it.

woozlebear Mon 23-Dec-13 18:24:35

*Thing is when he is nice its great. I know i know it should be nice all the time.

He does this thing which is he will say the most nasty, unkind things and not really mean them. (He told me in counselling he just said it for effect*

I haven't read whole thread yet, but read this and just had to say....Sorry if I'm cross posting.

This is abusive behaviour. This is not what normal, nice people who care about other people do.

This is exactly what my mother (who beat me) and my ex (who beat me and raped me) were like. Sweetness and light in playacting mode and then would say the most vicious thing they possibly could to...I dunno. Get a reaction, test people, push boundaries, destroy people and beat them down, amuse themselves, a mixture of all the above...who knows.

His motives are fairly irrelevant, and whether or not he means what he says is also irrelevant. I don't think it's any better to say vicious hurtful stuff (not as a repeated conscious behaviour pattern anyway) but not mean it. In fact, it's probably worse - more calculated and certainly more fucked up.

Sorry OP. It sounds shit.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 23-Dec-13 18:26:21

Oh my goodness. Yes. What mad says above ^

That's exactly it. You are stronger than you know.

'The size 13 on your soul'...that's exactly it!

MaeveORave Mon 23-Dec-13 18:31:43

My self-esteem was in the gutter back then, i can recognise thaat now.

Also, I realise, that the same 'anaesthetic' that got me through each day also numbed me and prevented me from taking action.

It got to the point though where I was just so miserable that I knew that no matter what came next it couldn't be worse.

From the moment I left him I never, ever regretted it! Even when he was texting me abusive threats "come back here now, enough of this tin pot parade, if you don't come home tonight then you've burnt your bridges here". ha ha ha ha. Meanwhile, I was safe (finally) with my family, just drinking a cup of tea in peace, no sarcasm, no digs, no criticism, my Mum helping with the baby, my Dad downloading forms off the internet for me.

Tell your family, tell your friends, let them help.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Mon 23-Dec-13 18:33:42

He put his hands around your neck?

Wake up, wake the fuck up.

By the way, your kids won't be gone every weekend. You don't actually believe that he will want access to them do you?

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Mon 23-Dec-13 18:38:59

i want him to go. We have just moved into a new house. It was awful sellung and buying, I have pretty.much spent my mat.leave calling estate agents and sols.
My family all live 100miles away and I am due back to work in Jan.

Can I stay?

He will want to sell and I just want stability for my dcs...

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Mon 23-Dec-13 18:39:34

Just want to say thanks so much for being there x

mammadiggingdeep Mon 23-Dec-13 18:41:23

If you're joint owners he can't sell without your say so.

MaeveORave Mon 23-Dec-13 18:43:58

You are welcome Malcolm, and you're worth it grin

I owe a huge huge debt to posters (People! real people) like Mathanxiety and Anniegetyourgun and bertiebotts and Anyfucker and SGB and plenty more.

I agree it's not easy to split up. I understand that. I told my x a few times that I wanted to split up and he roared back at me "the fuck we will split up ". Like i had no say in it! and I was there nervously asking his permission to split up.

It's a great sign for you when you start thinking about the practicalities.
Is the house in your name too?

MerryFuckingChristmas Mon 23-Dec-13 18:50:09

Oh, you poor love. No wonder the counselling was less than useless because you couldn't tell the truth.

This is precisely why joint counselling is not recommended where abuse is present

he was making it a "good patch" because he knew precisely that he crossed the line when he put his hands around your throat, and he wanted you to STFU

someone in a stronger place would have had him up for assault on that one incident alone, and he knows it

please, please call the police next time he does that

themidwife Mon 23-Dec-13 19:00:52

What he wants ain't necessarily what he gets! I recommend you read Lundy Bancroft's. "Why Does He Do That....." You'll recognise him in there I guarantee. Could you report him for the assault now? Phone the DA team at your local police & say you were too scared to before. Women's Aid can help you through this.

My ex was DA & although not enormously violent in general he also pushed me over when I was holding a small baby to take my phone off me. I called the police. He spent the night in the cells & was bound over to keep the police. Next time he pushed me he was arrested again & was made to leave the house & hand over his keys. Tax credits, council tax rebate, interest only mortgage for a while until divorce settled etc meant I was not that much worse off & with 3 DCs I got most of my childcare paid when I returned to work.

You will be fine, honestly. The kids will still have a relationship with their Dad. He just won't be allowed to bully you anymore.

mumtosome61 Mon 23-Dec-13 19:08:31

Can you stay? I can't answer that question but as the house is joint, he would need you to sell too. You've got children and a house and that will be looked at.

After Christmas, and I know it's a horrible time, try and get some legal aid to find out what you can do next. Free legal advice is offered by a lot of solicitors normally on a "fee-free" half hour basis, and then if you need legal aid that can be sorted. Whilst I don't condone "playing" the victim legally, you ARE a victim and everything you tell them will help.

You deserve so, so much more than this utter shite, and you will find it. It's going to be tough, but I absolutely promise you it'll be a whole heap better than sticking out with this buttache for the next ten years.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Mon 23-Dec-13 19:10:47

Doesn't matter what he wants. He isn't the boss of you.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 23-Dec-13 19:18:05

"He isn't the boss of you"

This!

Rachelx92 Mon 23-Dec-13 19:21:05

What an awful man he is. How does he think you feel bringing up 3 kids single handedly?! Leave him you're worth a million of him x

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Mon 23-Dec-13 19:49:46

it is just me 2 youngest dc and my step mum tonight. And im only just.putting baby down, house is a tip and i feel so relaxed.

themidwife Mon 23-Dec-13 20:28:04

This is how your life could be every night. No twuntishness ever.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Mon 23-Dec-13 20:41:07

bliss

Tralalalalaaalalalalaaaaa Mon 23-Dec-13 20:58:16

Do it OP, honestly!

You won't look back.

I've been reading through the thread and I recognise a lot of it. It's too much to change. It can't be done unless he's willing to fight his natural urges to be a twat every single day for the rest of his life. And why would he? Because if he did, he'd have to spend nights up to his elbows in puke and give up his precious man-time.

You deserve so much better.

Good luck x

MaeveORave Mon 23-Dec-13 22:38:58

Oh yeh , when i heard his key in the door my heart used to sink. I used to long for my own home, just me and the chilfren. Have that now.

Report his assaults, talk to the DV unit at your local police station, talk to Women's Aid. A violent man can be forcibly removed from the family home and kept out. He will also be obliged to keep paying the mortgage. (Though it's best to consult a solicitor on this.)
Good luck. You can do it. You and your DC will be much happier once you are rid of him.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Tue 24-Dec-13 00:48:18

thanks everyone.
I have alot ro think about over the next few days.

Had a strange conversation with my step mum
She wad telling me about when she left her husband. She said as soon as she pit her key in the ignition to go home it was like there was someone sitting on her shoulder saying "what are you doing?" she drove ho.e and told him she didnt want to be with him any more.

It might have just been a story bit it was odd that she brought it up tonight...

Anyway off to sleep
night all fsmile

MaeveORave Tue 24-Dec-13 08:23:59

Malcolm, start another thread whwn u need to know how to make him understand its over..... maybe talk to hr at work. Just tell them you r leaving a disfuntional marriage and might need compassionate leave to move. Tell your mum, step mum and father u r going to need them over the next few months. Line up your ducks now.
X

MaeveORave Tue 24-Dec-13 08:24:55

Glad yr step mum gets it.

themidwife Tue 24-Dec-13 09:24:42

You need to start being honest with those close to you about what you've been going through love. They will then be able to support you. I remember that feeling of shame at admitting it all, but it's not our fault it's theirs! thanks

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Tue 24-Dec-13 11:59:20

quick update

it just good to get it out.

i went to Sainsburys and came home to dcs in one room wrapping presents (stuff found in the house) for their Dad. its heartbreaking. he was sat in the lounge watching the darts. Apparently trying to het the baby to sleep.

I said we need to talk, he was calm, polite and informed me how boring I am and he is so depressed and lonely because he cant talk to me becauase I have nothing interrsting to say. He is soooo bored. Hes not inyerested in anything I say because its baby crap. He doesnt care about my friends or their kids.

I asked him exactly what would make me.less boring but strangly he could give me a specific answer...

He wants to have fun with me again, Ive lost spark.

Dont worry I was not upset. I told him I wasnt boring in the least, and out of the 2 of us I am the one with loads of friends who want to spend time with me.

He kept saying he wanted an adult conversation but I keep insulting him (half right, I said he was opting out of family life and he didnt want us)

I said I want him to leave. He said we cant afford to split! errrr he takes home nearly £4000 a month!!!!!

I am not backing down.

He said he had wanted a plan to get us back track. I said i was fed up of being told im not good enough

I yold him

MerryFuckingChristmas Tue 24-Dec-13 12:03:08

His "plan" to "get you back on track" involves some compromises from him, yes ?

No

It involves you transforming yourself into some parrotting sex puppet with your legs constantly open, falling on your knees to give him a BJ when he does his manly stride through the door and to agree with everything he says whilst smiling like a deranged Stepford Wife

Sounds appealing, non ?

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Tue 24-Dec-13 12:07:29

oh thats sounds like a dream life! fgrin

Meant to say he will move out "when he is ready"
when he had found a "house share"

Ummm a room in a shared house???? how old r u???

SoftKittyWarmKitty Tue 24-Dec-13 12:08:29

Stand your ground. Get him to leave. On Friday get some legal advice about what you will or won't be entitled to, and how to go about things. Make the New Year a new start for you and your DC. Best of luck.

MerryFuckingChristmas Tue 24-Dec-13 12:09:13

By "house share" he means when he has found another soft landing place ie. some woman daft enough to take him on. (no offence fsmile )

Squeegle Tue 24-Dec-13 12:10:17

OP, he sounds very like my ex. My ex used to explode, used to have no patience. Used also to say I was lazy when I worked full time, looked after 2 toddlers, looked after him etc etc etc. it sounds v familiar

I stuck with it for 10 long years. I didn't want to split up our family. I always hoped he would keep being nice.

In the end I finally realised nothing would change-unless I changed it. The thing that made me realise he was being abusive was when someone asked me - would you treat anyone else the way he treats you. The answer of course is no way!!

I'm glad you are getting there- I really think you need to separate from this man. It doesn't matter if it takes a while- it needs to be done. He's not good for you or the DCs.
Good luck.

Ps- my ex is still a moody bastard! But thank god not here any more!

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Tue 24-Dec-13 12:17:57

going to tell mum. All of it.

Im with all 3 dcs he is in our bedroom loading apps onto the kids tablets (cheap groupon ones!)

so instead of being a family on xmas eve he is on his own again.

He is also holding on to massive resentment about DC3. I got pregnant on purpose yada yada we were just getting our life back, We never have sex so I obviously did it on purpose....

I am so over it all.

I feel happy, he is miserable and he will never be happy

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Tue 24-Dec-13 12:20:20

its great to hear peoples stories.

Its so sad he cant see what he has.

Oh he said he wished there was someone else as it would be easier!!

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie Tue 24-Dec-13 12:21:44

Good for you. He can dish it out but can't bear to hear some home truths. He had better get used to sorting himself out domestically. Don't be swayed by a last-minute charm offensive. Anyone who puts his hands round another person's throat isn't worth listening to.

I've just read the thread (your bits) and am so glad you're getting shot of this numpty.

He really does sound 5. In fact I know 5 year olds with more respect.

Best wishes to you and your dcs.

Someone else for who? You or him? fhmm

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Tue 24-Dec-13 12:36:24

Merryfuckingchristmas are you who I think you are?

I always thought if she came on my thread it must be bad fwink

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Tue 24-Dec-13 12:37:00

Someone else for him!!!!

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie Tue 24-Dec-13 12:38:45

For him I expect FreakinScaryCaaw as he thinks he's such a catch, (not).

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Tue 24-Dec-13 12:45:21

I am definitely the catch wink

mammadiggingdeep Tue 24-Dec-13 12:47:10

Malcolm- just caught up with this.

Brilliant!! You rock!! Keep going you're doing great.

X

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Tue 24-Dec-13 12:50:06

It wasn't strange your step mum said what she did then. She knows and she is trying to help you.

Someone else for him? He has just said to you he wishes he was shagging someone else! Why is he still in your house?

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Tue 24-Dec-13 12:50:42

sorry for all the posts but I actually feel elated!

I am going to be nice over xmas, but I know in a couple of months it will be just me and my beautiful babies

I feel as though a weight has been lifted!

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Tue 24-Dec-13 12:52:36

Thanks mamma!!

I actually feel sorry for him, he has no idea what lonely is...

I just found his payslip take home 4500!!! and he has childcare voucher taken out befor tax!!

TimothyToot Tue 24-Dec-13 12:55:03

My exp was like this. Used to constantly insult me. Make really hurtful comments and then try and wriggle out of it by saying he was just angry! He wouldn't help with the kids, didn't contribute financially and would steal what little money I had to go off and gamble.

I left him. It took a long time to get over him but raising my children alone is a million times easier than doing it with him weighing me down. Everything was so difficult when he was in the picture. It was literally like having a ball and chain round my ankle. Even asking for the smallest amount of help resulted in huffing and puffing and moaning from him. If his friends asked him to go out and I needed him at home he would tell them he was "babysitting his kids" ffs.....they are both his children and I was there with him.....he was just being a dad and participating I family life. What I have described was just the tip of the iceberg with him. He was the most vile man to live with and I hated myself and my life when I was with him. He made me want to kill myself. His words used to cut through me like blades and I was left on a daily basis feeling like scum. He wore me down and I was exhausted. I didn't know how to be happy or have fun when I was with him.

We split, I moved out of my mums where we had been living together and I told him he couldn't come with me. He has since decided that he isn't cut out to be a dad hmm and no longer sees the children, which suits me fine. They have much more stability and consistency now and they are not constantly let down by him or stuck in the middle of toxic arguments.

I am not sure I will ever get into another relationship, I think his behaviour damaged me so much and destroyed me that I am not sure I will ever get over it or be able to trust another man. However I know I am a much nicer better person and parent for not being with him. I enjoy my children a lot more and they are turning into amazing kids. I know it was the right decision to leave.

Your dh sounds vile. Do what is best for you and your children, not what he wants or tries to convince you is best. Confiding in family is invaluable, you will need them for what ever you decide is your next move.

TimothyToot Tue 24-Dec-13 12:57:37

If he takes home that much can you not start stashing some away so that when you do leave him you have a honey pot of money to help you?

mammadiggingdeep Tue 24-Dec-13 12:58:33

Keep that payslip!! You might need it for CSA. You never know. At least you know you'll get a good amount for child maintenance.

You'll be ok. You really can do this.

It will be you, your babies and a peaceful life in a few months. smile

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Tue 24-Dec-13 13:05:21

Right young lady grin Start making plans now about the new year. You will be ok for money with tax credits and child maintenance,

Make a list of all the things you need to do such as, solicitor, CAB, tax credits, etc, make sure you know exactly what your entitled to.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Tue 24-Dec-13 13:13:15

Timothy that sounds horrific, Im so glad you are free.

I can squirrel any away as every penny is accounted for, he is anal about money.

Yes a list is what I need.to do...

MerryFuckingChristmas Tue 24-Dec-13 13:13:36

Malcolm, I don't know if I am who you think I am. I seem to have lost track of my namechanges myself fsmile

Will pm you.

LineRunner Tue 24-Dec-13 13:16:48

I agree it really is much easier raising DCs on your own than with a miserable selfish twat weighing you down.

My ExH actually left me and the DCs for OW but looking back it was a blessing.

MerryFuckingChristmas Tue 24-Dec-13 13:17:12

Malc, copy everything you can find to do with finances. This man is going to try and fuck you over financially when the penny drops that you are serious. At the moment, he thinks you just have the hump but will soon STFU.

Before you take any concrete steps, see a solicitor and get some Big Guns on your side.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 24-Dec-13 13:22:45

Do you do supermarket shop on a joint card? Could you get some flashback each time- a tenner even? Or does he check receipts?

mammadiggingdeep Tue 24-Dec-13 13:23:06

Flash back?? Obviously that was meant to b cash back!

themidwife Tue 24-Dec-13 13:38:33

Yes I agree, absolutely essential that you copy his last P60 & any savings account statements as well as removing all your personal stuff like birth certificates, passports & financial stuff & giving it to your mum to store. Then get an appointment with a solicitor. You can claim tax credits from the day you consider yourself to be separated even if he won't leave the house.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Tue 24-Dec-13 13:52:56

ok
first prob...

we Are due to have much needed building works start on the house in feb. the money is in a savings account not in my name. Its our savings but its only in his, I only found this out last week when I tried to withdraw a large sum...

LineRunner Tue 24-Dec-13 13:59:11

You are married so he can't just have all the money. Can you make a copy of a recent bank statement?

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Tue 24-Dec-13 14:02:25

all online. Its not our joint account...

themidwife Tue 24-Dec-13 14:13:28

Print off the details of the account

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Tue 24-Dec-13 14:15:17

i didnt know we had a separate account. I thought it was a savings pot in our joint. I will call them I think

fancyanotherfez Tue 24-Dec-13 14:22:47

I think you are on ml you said, so you have a job to go back to. You are not totally dependent on him. Will your family help you out until you get some child support from him? Don't let money worries defeat you. He is trying to kill time in the hope you will Cave in and things can go back to normal or he can leave you instead once he's found another woman with low self esteem to do his bidding. It can't do his ego much good that you are chucking him out

Tralalalalaaalalalalaaaaa Tue 24-Dec-13 15:37:59

Well done OP, you've done brilliantly!

Remember how elated you feel now. If it gets tough in the next few weeks, the memory of that feeling should get you through.

Has he got a card for that account?

Tralalalalaaalalalalaaaaa Tue 24-Dec-13 15:38:22

Ps your step mum sounds like brilliant support

HelloBoys Tue 24-Dec-13 16:02:59

Just wanted to say well done Op never easy to end like this. flowers

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Tue 24-Dec-13 17:29:17

thanks again everyone.

He has not engaged with us at all today. Thats not to say he hasnt been busy doing housy stuff but surely its more important to be with your kids??!!!

MerryFuckingChristmas Tue 24-Dec-13 17:48:38

Obviously his priorities are very different than yours.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Tue 24-Dec-13 18:49:41

yup,
I feel sorry for him really. And he is as we speak in tbe bathroom feeling nauseous...

themidwife Tue 24-Dec-13 18:56:34

Poor baby! The script begins .....

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Tue 24-Dec-13 19:48:36

hes being nice. Im am so fricken happy i guess its hard to be in a grump with me.

I have done all the things that piss him off!!! not put kids down early (is xmas eve ffs) taken a call to my bro who lives abroad and talked for a whole 15mins when I was in the middle of sorting bedtime! and let the baby fall asleep on me at 6 and just sat on the sofa and cuddled!!!!!

I have played lego with my boys, had heart on tbe radio and sung really loud and danced all around the lounge!

Hope you have a good day today MalcolmTIMH.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Wed 25-Dec-13 07:39:52

thanks freakin, you too fgrin

Deathwatchbeetle Wed 25-Dec-13 07:46:51

Happy Christmas to you and your kids!

Can he ex[plain why he wants 'man time' when he is obviously not a man himself? How can he expect adult conversation when he is such a child himself? Anyway ignore the big baby and have a fun time with the less boring people in the house!!!!!

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Wed 25-Dec-13 08:32:04

He has just told me he is going to have loads of new years resolutions, funny thing they all involve "him" hes going to hand glide, play football...

Enjoy that by yourself. You know he never asks me what mine are because he isnt interested. Its a shame.

I guess me and the kids are not fun and exciting enough.

I will prob post through the day but only to rant!

I wish all you lovely people a very merry christmas x

doasyouwouldbedoneby Wed 25-Dec-13 09:33:22

Hope you listed your new years resolutions to him..

Find a good lawyer, speak to bank, spoil and enjoy ALL your DC's, let him fend for himself in washing cooking and cleaning. Getting rid of 13+ stone of dead weight round your shoulders...etc

Hope you have a lovely day MalcomTucker
feel free to rant l may join you

holycowwhatnow Wed 25-Dec-13 10:14:42

Merry Christmas, Malcolm. I'm so glad you've made your decision. Your husband sounds like a wanker and you'll be well shot of him. Just prepare yourself to be strong when he comes crawling back saying he didn't know what he had til it was gone etc because I'm sure that will happen.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Wed 25-Dec-13 10:48:09

sorry you are feeling ranty too doas...

I know I shouldnt be upset but we have just done presents. I know he had not bothered to get me anything until monday but mine were just shit.

He usually gets really nice things, thoughtful. I got a dressing gown size 18-20, im size 8-10. He didnt read the label... slippers, bath salts a candle and a voucher printed off yesterday. All nice.presrnts I kmow and im not being ungrateful. Its just we have always spoilt each other and his lack of effort is astonishing.

I spent a small fortune on him. I think it was quite obvious how crap he had been.

Unfortunately mum is not talk to he talk to he

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Wed 25-Dec-13 10:49:05

posted too soon.

Mum is dealing with stuff at the moment so I cant talk to her but I will speak to a friend tomorrow

MerryFuckingChristmas Wed 25-Dec-13 11:02:51

Keep strong, Malc

Keep that critical eye switched on to full beam. You will notice lots of things about him that really grind your gears now. Mainly what a boring twat he is

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Wed 25-Dec-13 11:42:51

he said I could take the dressing gown back and pick something i want. Thanks for the effort.

Yes merry you r right. His parents just arrived with all of the family gifts and he writes down what they are so we can thank them, oh so its only important to thank your family then?

HansieMom Wed 25-Dec-13 12:11:33

I would just put the robe in the charity box. Screw him.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Wed 25-Dec-13 12:34:23

Yeah, I'd put the robe in the charity bag too . Merry Christmas. Oh, and make sure it's him that writes the thank you letters on behalf of the kids.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Wed 25-Dec-13 13:43:13

I'd be taking back anything spent on him more than he spent on you on actual things you want/need/like and be taking them back!

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Wed 25-Dec-13 14:03:24

he is being really nice. Doing all the cooking (bonus!)

He even gave me a big hug. It just feels weird?

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Wed 25-Dec-13 14:06:37

He isn't being nice. He is putting you back in your place and making sure you STFU. He senses a change in you and wants to stop it. Don't fall for it.

MerryFuckingChristmas Wed 25-Dec-13 14:15:50

he is Love Bombing you. Like Toffee said, putting you back in your box. He senses you have come to some sort of crossroads and wants to bring you back to confusion and self doubt

Being pretty successful so far, isn't he ?

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Wed 25-Dec-13 14:16:47

yup :-( feeling sad and confused

MerryFuckingChristmas Wed 25-Dec-13 14:20:44

Look how great he can be !

Look how lovely family life is !

he's not so bad after all!

He's not 100% perfect, no one is !

At least he doesn't hit me every Friday after sinking 15 pints at the pub !

etc

Except you know different, deep down.

MerryFuckingChristmas Wed 25-Dec-13 14:21:39

And the worst head fuck that we do to ourselves....

"If only I changed my behaviour and nagged him less he could be like this alllll the time !"

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Wed 25-Dec-13 14:50:23

Stop it! Stop feeling sad and confused. No need for any sadness as you know once you finally get him out of your bed you can start a new happy life. No need for confusion. You know what he is doing.<said with compassion>

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Wed 25-Dec-13 14:55:49

god its all so shit.

Lunch was yummy though fwink

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 25-Dec-13 14:57:53

I have brought this name out of the retirement home for Confused Relationships Posters to say "use your brain, not your soppy heart, girl !" Look what happened when you fell for the softsoap all the times before!

thanks

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 25-Dec-13 14:58:28

(sorry, HQ, for namechanging midthread, I know you don't like it smile )

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Wed 25-Dec-13 14:59:03

hasnt been in my bed for months...

Bad SPD in pregnancy, then I was doing night feeds (still am) and co-sleep to get some sleep.

Thats a big prob for him. I feel lile why should I go back to bed when its purely for his pleasure. If.he offered to share the night feeds etc I wouldnt be so tired and fancy a bit!!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 25-Dec-13 15:00:30

Indeed. He's a bit dim, isn't he ?

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Wed 25-Dec-13 15:04:02

Yes its not difficult is it?

Why do we feel like if we give them a bj or shag we will get some help.for a few days???

I should just put baby in own room and leave to cry. Needs to learn...

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 25-Dec-13 15:05:59

Nah, leave the big baby crying.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Wed 25-Dec-13 15:09:43

tee hee

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Wed 25-Dec-13 15:28:32

I was being metaphorical!!

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Wed 25-Dec-13 16:23:27

ha ha I know, sorry was explaining that we actually hadnt shared a bed for yonks!!!

We are (me, mum, 2dc, baby), at this minute all squashed in the tiny nursery. Me and mum are putting away all the new clothes. Dcs have chosen to be squashed in with us making lego rather than downstairs where their dad is.

He btw is laying under a blanket on the sofa watching tv...

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Wed 25-Dec-13 17:53:35

So what have you decided. what you are going to do?

Deathwatchbeetle Wed 25-Dec-13 17:54:18

Well that says it all really! Hope he hasn't worn himself out!!!!!

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Thu 26-Dec-13 00:35:19

just posted and deleted.by.mistake. I cant stop crying

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Thu 26-Dec-13 00:42:20

Why cant we be enough for him. Why do my children have to suffer because of him.

His oldest friend is trying to have a baby. They have paid for 3 rounds of IVF and now r travelling abroad to have one last go.
He sat with my angel in his arms telling me I ruined everything by getting pregnant. He knows i did it.on purpose. We were sorted with Dcs getting older. He knows he hates the baby stage and we have it for years. All while holding this precious gift that his friends can only dream of...

Why wnt he wake up as excited about a trip to the park to play football and lego building as his dcs? why is it an effort, where is the joy? its killing me

MistressDeeCee Thu 26-Dec-13 00:49:23

Look - get rid of this man. You're WITH him & you feel like shit? Doesnt that tell you something? Im sorry I really dont mean to sound hard. Ive been there, in a relationship thats crumbling and there's nothing to stop it, because your partner is absolutely hellbent on causing you misery, and then leaving. You being miserable and wondering why he isnt happy with you, isnt going to change 1 single thing. Get him out, and yes you will have to go through the misery of the end of your relationship but its nothing to the emotional torture you will endure if you let this prick hang around gaslighting you. Make YOUR new resolution to aim towards a new and better life for yourself and your children - that doesnt include someone who so blatantly shows, you're all not enough to make his life happy. He needs the short sharp shock of getting his arse kicked out of the door. & even if you do that he'll still come back eventually to sweet talk you, so he can crush you emotionally again. If you want to delay the inevitable, its up to you. But the misery you will endure by being with such a man, as opposed to being miserable without him anyway, will sink you if you're not careful. & you've got your children to think of.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Thu 26-Dec-13 00:56:41

when we rowed he said he wouldnt leave the house until he was ready

MistressDeeCee Thu 26-Dec-13 01:01:09

He has already left you. He is only staying to torment you. I am sure you know of the ways to get him to leave, if not you can be advised. Of course its up to you if you want to wait till he makes you a wreck. Again I dont mean to sound hard. Its a crap situation to be in. But when a man tells you and shows you he does not want you - you would be wise to listen. & act accordingly.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Thu 26-Dec-13 01:05:28

is he gaslighting me?

MistressDeeCee Thu 26-Dec-13 02:01:49

Yes, he is gaslighting you. Im sure you know all about that but if you dont, look it up online as there are bound to be lots of articles about it. He wants to cause you maximum distress. He may or may not leave. But if you're the one to get him out (which you should, before the emotional torment he inflicts on you disrupts your life & that of your DDs) he will be enraged, although he may or may not show you that. If you give in to his demands, or pleading, or softsoaping to take him back - then he'll come back only as a subtle revenge ie, to start the process all over again. Gaslighters/narcissists need victims. No fun in the 'game' if you as the victim wont play. Sorry...Ive read through this thread and thats all I can conclude. This man is gaslighting you. You need to remember that doesnt make him strong. Neither does it make you weak. Dont let him subject you to treatment you dont deserve.

MaeveORave Thu 26-Dec-13 08:37:07

Yeh.
. Your life sounds like he is interviewing you for the position of family. He is implying u shouldnt get your hopes uo tho. And he never finally concludes "im in! This is it! My family! We r a team".

I am waiting to hear about i job i went for b4 xmas. This thread gives me the same feeling.
I couldnt live with that feeling indefinitely
Torturre!
So take control and tell him u want to break up. U have had enuf of him sapping the joy out of life

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Thu 26-Dec-13 10:31:06

the boys came in to me first thing followed by him. He took them all downsatirs and ive only just got.up. And he made me a cup of tea and brought it upstairs...

Fairenuff Thu 26-Dec-13 10:33:08

Are you surprised by this? I'm not and I don't even know him. But I know the cycle - nasty, kind, nasty, kind, nasty, kind - of an abusive man.

So you know what to expect right? He will be nasty again.

Or are you expecting something different?

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Thu 26-Dec-13 10:34:42

Stop focussing on him making you a fucking cup of tea and tell him it is over and he needs to leave or you do. He is taking the piss and you are letting him. Where has your strength gone? sad

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Thu 26-Dec-13 10:38:38

I feel like I want to plan it properly.

He is VERY hot with money and I want to be sure I will be ok. I think now I have decided its ok to focus on a plan and get myself sorted. Im back to work in 2 weeks and I will need to settle back into that before I can do anything.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 26-Dec-13 10:51:40

I stayed with XH for 25 years, for most of which we'd have a problem and I'd either weep or blow up and after a while he seemed to "get it" and things seemed to be going well. Then some other issue would crop up. I'd actually given up and decided to divorce before one person sent me a page about abusive relationships and another advised me to look at MN. And there was the entirety of our quarter century together all written out in black and white, according to the script. It was one hell of a shock. We not only weren't unique, we were clichéd. Damn.

I think you're wise to get yourself back to work and do your sums before taking action, but don't let things slide. This relationship NEEDS to end and it will end, when you're ready. I hope it will be quite soon.

One more thought: abusers like to press your most sensitive buttons. As a loving mother you can most easily be upset through your children. Sitting his precious baby on his knee while telling you what a mistake her very existence was is deliberate emotional cruelty to you. It doesn't necessarily prove anything about how he really feels towards the child (although if he can even think those things it can't be totally healthy). He probably does love her in his somewhat selfish way, but can't resist the opportunity to wind you up. That's my theory at least.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Thu 26-Dec-13 10:58:01

thanks for that Annie.
Life is too short to spend it unhappy. I am just so disapointed that my children will grow up in a broken home. I am a strong believer in trying, I wouldnt give up on my marraige easily. But im not giving up am I! I just cant continue

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Thu 26-Dec-13 11:01:40

You don't have a marriage and you can't fix something on your own.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 26-Dec-13 11:07:34

It is already a broken home if someone living in it is constantly sabotaging the comfort and happiness of the others.

FunkyBoldRibena Thu 26-Dec-13 11:12:29

I think my answer to every comment and complaint would be 'why don't you fuck off then'.

This is no marriage.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 26-Dec-13 13:25:42

He has already broken your home love

When one partner makes another jump through hoops to hang on to them, it's game over

He's told you he doesn't want you

Why are you not listening ?

Your desperation allows him to treat you like shit

You know this

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Thu 26-Dec-13 13:58:15

sorry,
My last post was confusing, I just read it back.
When I said i believed in trying, Ieant tjat is what I have been doing for the last year.
NOT that I want to try now.

I think i have tried enough.

I do however want to get settled back to work, (its a demanding job)

and I also want to continue the work on the house. Its a wreck and we have the money put aside for it. If it doesnt get done I will be stuck here unable to afford to ever do it.

Biding my time gives me time to plan.
I can see a sol and plan how its going to work

I need to really sit down and find out what benefits I will be entitled to. As it stands my take home pay is the total cost of the mortgage, with £70 left over!

Dont worry, I am still doing it.

MaeveORave Thu 26-Dec-13 14:24:19

Can your mum help with childcare?
Its good to have a plan . X

HorsePetal Thu 26-Dec-13 14:25:53

Your home is already broken OP and your children are already suffering as a result.

LineRunner Thu 26-Dec-13 14:39:37

Good for you, having a plan.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Thu 26-Dec-13 14:44:50

shr lives along way away but she can come up and help when i need it just not regular work days.

he is so grumpy with the kids

nob

Nottalotta Thu 26-Dec-13 14:51:55

Just wanted to add that divorce isn't always bad for the children. My parent split up. My mum remarried when i wss 9. I have got the most AMAZING step dad. I can honestly say that the divorce only affected me in a positive way. Good luck

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Thu 26-Dec-13 15:00:46

thanks notta that helps x

Entitledto.com will help you find out.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Thu 26-Dec-13 16:09:29

thank you. Bedtime reading for me

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 26-Dec-13 16:48:32

Keep planning and keep watching. If he starts using the kids to get at you, turf him the fuck out.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Thu 26-Dec-13 16:57:50

i will, and will prob use this thread as a sounding board so I can read back when im feeling wobbly!

would love to know how you get them out though... I know he would just say no. I have asked him to go before just for the night and he has always said no

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 26-Dec-13 17:05:25

It depends how serious you are. Starting divorce proceedings may have to happen before he will go. Despite his whining, he does know what side his bread is buttered on. He wants you abject and pleading, wailing "why aren't we goooooood enough??"

the fact is, you are way too good for him, and he knows it deep down. You will never convince him of that though. His ego needs to keep you underfoot and hanging on in the hope that he will become the man he should be.

I expect he will leave you, however, when some other woman takes him on. A nice shiny new one, who doesn't dare to expect him to be a grown up. Unfortunately, that is likely to happen when you least expect/can cope with it.

This is why it is so very important that you take control and manage a split. Because one day soon he is just going to walk and you will be devastated all over again.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Thu 26-Dec-13 17:30:11

He has always said he was "punching above his weight" which is ironic as in the next argument he will say how boring I am?! Its all about my looks. Im no supermodel he just tells me Im very attractive, so then I feel like he only likes me now because of my looks as i have a rather crap personality...

There is someone at his.work who has a crush on him. Its well known, and the crush is on our family.too as she is unhappily married and unsuccessfully trying to concieve. So she wants the whole package. I like her, and I know he doesnt fancy her. But it proves woman do as he tells me he couldnt get anyone else...

I think you are probably right about him meeting someone else. There is plenty of oppotunity with lots of young woman in his line of work.

I really want the house sorted first though... If I cant stay here and we have to sell it needs doing. No one would buy it like it is!!!


Im going to speak to 2 friend

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Thu 26-Dec-13 17:31:23

oops 2 friends this week. They will support me im sure. One knows everytjing already the other knows nothing yet.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 26-Dec-13 17:37:09

Good plan to get some more support for yourself.

This thing with insecure men. They have to bring you down to their level. It's all about projection. He is the boring one with the poor self esteem. He just don't know it, he is too stupid to realise.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Thu 26-Dec-13 17:58:49

sad innit

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 26-Dec-13 18:00:44

Very sad. It's his problem though, not yours.

3mum Thu 26-Dec-13 21:59:34

Just remember the old saying - only boring people are bored. Or to put it another way, it's not you, it's him. He is the one who lacks the inner resources and the decency to behave well to his family. It wouldn't matter who you were and whether you were the most sparkling conversationalist in the world, he would still find fault because the fault lies with him.

My exH used to tell me I was boring sometimes. Frankly I never believed him because he was the one who never followed current affairs, never read a book and never had any conversation that was not about him and what he wanted. What he actually meant, I eventually realised, was that it was more exciting chasing other women and having a new audience because all the attention was on him. I suspect your H is cut from the same cloth. You will be well rid.

fancyanotherfez Fri 27-Dec-13 07:57:46

My parents have been married for 45 years. They openly loathe each other. It makes me unhappy to see it. Just because you are married it doesn't mean its better.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 08:38:32

sorry to hear that fancy, that must be awful...

fancyanotherfez Fri 27-Dec-13 09:34:22

It's not nice hearing them slag each other off. The point for you is that they stuck together and now they are in their 70's it seems pointless to start again. Thats not the case for you now. I know you have decided you are definitely going but just know that you being happy will be best for the kids whether you are married to their dad or not

MaeveORave Fri 27-Dec-13 09:50:46

I used to ask my x if we could split up then ( during arguments) and he would roar "no" at me.
I would have needed "heavies" to get him out of the house.
I left. But unlike u i had no claim on hse so vetter to just escape.
Do u have a brother who could move in with u for a while? Til divorce well under way?

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 09:55:47

no brother unfortunately.

The thought of living under the same roof when it all kicks off fills me with dread...

Mosman Fri 27-Dec-13 12:29:27

You have to plan carefully ... It's taken me nine nearly ten months to get mine out snd he had the bloody affair ... I think you have to save up a running away fund and then run away.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 12:31:00

I read his facebook messages

what a fucking cliche

Snogged someone else on fri night from work

Didnt deny it

they have been messaging all week but he has been deleting. They were going to meet up "to sort.out how to make it not awkward" when they go back to work.

Bollox

He said we have not been right, he enjoyed the excitement and fun

clam Fri 27-Dec-13 12:46:17

Wouldn't happen to be this woman with the crush on him that he "doesn't fancy," would it?
He wouldn't be the first arsehole to shag someone because he's flattered.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 12:49:49

no not her!!

they didnt shag bit were meeting up so would have happened.

ironically i know her, i suggested she go for the job at dh work

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 27-Dec-13 12:50:25

No big surprise. Sorry. You were warned about this.

There will be more to it, and the timeline of when he first started to say he "wasn't sure he wanted to be married" and he started to set you up to fail in the task of pleasing him will be when he met this woman, or if not this one a different one

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 12:52:57

tell me what to do

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 12:53:49

i used the mn line

you have one chance to tell me who ... is. dont lie

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 27-Dec-13 12:55:06

I can't tell you what to do, love x

My advice however has been consistent all the way through.

OW or not, this bloke is a cunt and you need rid.

Start divorce proceedings...that is what I would do.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 12:56:26

oh dont worry i will!!! i mean literally what do i do... tell him to move out, money etc

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 12:59:12

tell his family or not¿?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 27-Dec-13 13:03:21

he has refused to move out, yes ?

Will he agree to go now ? Will he agree to go "temporarily" and kip on a friend's sofa/parents house ?

If he won't, I would just completely withdraw everything from him (ie. all domestic services, if you haven't already) and get the ball rolling with a solicitor on Monday. I know this must be a huge shock to you, love, but it was clear from the beginning of your thread that he had detached from you which almost invariably means his interest was elsewhere. How cliched he is looking for sympathy that "things weren't right in his marriage" with OW when he was the one that dropped the deadly bombshell on it

From the outside looking in though, nothing has really changed.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 13:07:13

he has gone out now, he asked me what i wanted him to do.

I said I would text him.

Should I say dont come back?

Thanls for the help x

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 27-Dec-13 13:07:20

Sweetheart, I really wouldn't do anything at all right now. Let this sink in. Tell him to go while you get your head around things and calm down for your own sake, not for his.

When you get your head straight, you will come to realise you are the one in the driving seat. See a family solicitor on Monday if you can get an appt (expect them to be busy, lots of marriages break down over xmas) and they will outline what your choices are. Until then, sit tight and think about what you want and need longterm with no reference to him at all.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 13:07:53

I was so calm and cool.

Really proud of myself. He was sqirming and I didnt lose it

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 27-Dec-13 13:09:50

Cross posted.

I think he should move out for a while. You cannot think straight while he is there. Nobody else outside of your relationship needs to be told any details just yet. Depending on where he goes, they can be told a version of "Malc and I are having some problems ATM and we are having some space"

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 27-Dec-13 13:10:54

Good for you with the coolness.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 13:11:49

ok

My friends brother is a lawyer for a massive big city firm. Im going to get him to find me one, he cant do it unfortunately.

I will let him sweat for a couple more hours then say he needs to give me space.

I told him to move the money for the house into my name today. He agreed.

I told him we still need to do up the house to sell it.
Im not telling him tjat I have NO plans to srll it though.

He can bloody well pay for his family to live here

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 27-Dec-13 13:12:45

I have to go out now. Hopefully, someone else will be along with some other viewpoints.

Don't forget, my way is just one way. It's not the only one.

Will be back later. x

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 13:12:50

mum knoes coz she is here.

I want to scream it from the rooftops but I know I will regret that

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 13:13:06

what do I tell the children?

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 13:13:26

thanks so much x

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 27-Dec-13 13:17:43

Sorry, love, am not running out on you. I should have met my friend for lunch half an hour ago. x

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 13:18:46

dont appologise!!!! god you and the others are amazing!
enjoy your lunch xxx

LineRunner Fri 27-Dec-13 13:22:50

Hi, Malc. You are being amazing.

Twoplusboys Fri 27-Dec-13 13:24:29

Malcolm, just wanted to say sorry you are going through this. My patents split when I was young. My dad was useless and in the end had a affair. I thank my
Mum all the time for leaving him because I would have been a different person had they stayed together. We still see him now (very seldom) but neith my brother or I have any respect for him and only see him because he's our dad. Your dc will find out for themselves what he is like when they're older and thank you for it! Well done!!

bunchoffives Fri 27-Dec-13 13:29:52

Tell the DC daddy has gone away with work for a few days if they6 ask. Keep it low key and only answer questions. Don't volunteer any more info at this stage, wait on that until you are feeling more sure of yourself.

Can your DM stay on for a bit to support you while you get back to work?

Go to a sol asap for legal/financial situation.

Tell him you need your space at this stage. Say its temporary. Tell him all the DC are ill again, that should keep him away.

Try to get as much rest and relaxation as you can in the next few days. Do some stuff you like doing and treat yourself really well. Don't talk to H. Get some headspace and let it all sink in.

themidwife Fri 27-Dec-13 13:36:27

I'm so sorry he has done this to you. Strike while he's meek & get all the money secure because once he realises you are serious he will blame you for his behaviour & try to screw you over financially.

LineRunner Fri 27-Dec-13 13:49:12

Agreed - strike, and strike clever.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 14:14:02

im a fucking weak idiot

I rang him to say I didnt want him to come home but I eanted him to do tea bath and bed with kids and ended up breaking down
I had been so.strong

I wailed like a banshee to his mum who was lobely but now I feel like a complete twat

MaeveORave Fri 27-Dec-13 14:30:31

U r strong.
X

1nsertnamehere Fri 27-Dec-13 14:31:56

Two steps forward, one step back, Malcolm. This stuff isn't like a soap opera, where they leave and you never see them again. It's not straightforward, and is a process that takes a while. Don't be down on yourself.

nevergoogle Fri 27-Dec-13 14:33:10

you are not weak to cry because you're marriage has broken down.

it's entirely normal to be upset.

it's normal to cry and to lean on others for support.

you are doing the right thing. you and your children will be happier not living with this excuse for a man.

LineRunner Fri 27-Dec-13 14:41:02

It's a day at a time, Malc, sometimes an hour st a time. Try to focus on what you want at the end of the horrible bit - peace, freedom and independence.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 15:26:21

xx

SandyDilbert Fri 27-Dec-13 15:36:12

I agree - crying perfectly normal. Not only will you be sad for what has gone but you need to almost grieve for the future you aren't going to have. In time though your new future will be brighter and happier - you just need to hold on to that for now.

I think you are doing remarkably well - look after yourself and lean on friends and on folk here for support.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 27-Dec-13 17:00:48

Hello again, Malc

Sorry to see you have been so upset. par for the course, I am afraid.

I think you made a mistake to say "I want you to go, but first I want you to do X,Y and Z"

You must be crystal clear love, really you must. Or all this pain and anguish will be for nothing, even if you end up staying together. he has to experience true loss or nothing, bit nothing, will change.

Chalk it up to experience and find that icy calm again. You can do it x

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 17:28:48

I wanted to keep it normal for the dcs...

He wanted to talk when they were in bed i said no.

I was thinking he could.do bath and bed every night so they wont know then he can sod off

Is that a bad idea do you think?

Im fune to twll him to fuck off

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Fri 27-Dec-13 17:31:48

Yes, very bad idea having him swan in to do bath and bed and then fuck off back to OW

You need space, a proper break from him so you can think clearly. Tell the kids he has to go away for a bit.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 27-Dec-13 17:35:55

Bath and bed every night then go ?

No, no, no and no

Playing happy families for an hour then he goes off to shag snog OW? Talk about give him the best of both worlds...It will send you crazy and honestly, it's not fair on the kids.

Really bad idea

he goes, and he feels loss or you are wasting your time and energy, seriously

SandyDilbert Fri 27-Dec-13 17:58:44

he shouldn't set foot over the threshold now - he is no longer part of bath and bed, or any other things under your roof.

bigbuttons Fri 27-Dec-13 18:32:30

He must go. He has actually given you a good get out clause. I wish to god my abusive ex would bloody well find someone else instead of focusing all his hatred on me.
Seriously, this is your time to breathe once again, to be free from the miserable bastard. Take it with both hands and run like hell.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 18:52:21

he is here and being very reasonable. I want to kill him.
He keeps saying we were over we had no marraige

Fairenuff Fri 27-Dec-13 18:54:52

Well he's right, you didn't have a marriage really because it only worked when he got his own way and that's not what a marriage is all about.

It's all blah, blah, blah designed to upset you. Nod and smile, nod and smile.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Fri 27-Dec-13 19:04:54

So why is he still there then?

You aren't married.
You aren't friends.

Does he think it is fine to live with someone you don't like never mind love?

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 19:08:24

my mum is livid
she thinks hes being nice because he knows hes screwed finacially. 3 kids... mortgage... bills...

Fairenuff Fri 27-Dec-13 19:10:05

Why is he there?

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Fri 27-Dec-13 19:10:49

tough

please just get him out

you are wasting so much energy on this twat.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 19:18:43

hes doing their story yhen back to his mums.

nevergoogle Fri 27-Dec-13 19:23:25

your mother is right. tell him you don't want to speak to him again until after the weekend and take some breathing space.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 27-Dec-13 19:24:27

Make tonight the last time he swans in like Big Daddy-O to read the kids a story

he is still their father, but when you divorce he will have to find a way to see them away from you, just like every other cheating bloke that acts like a cunt to his wife

this is his choice...he finds family life "boring" remember ?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 27-Dec-13 19:26:04

he wants out

why aren't you listening?

give him what he wants

McDonald's daddy twice a week and one overnight cramped up at his mum's

sooooo attractive to all the dolly birds, eh

what a fucking sad loser he is

Fairenuff Fri 27-Dec-13 19:27:00

He gets to read the story on the days he has access.

NettleTea Fri 27-Dec-13 19:29:54

yep, and make his first overnight contact New Years Eve, so that he cant go out with his sad dolly mates - tell him YOU are going out for some fun (even if you are just watching Jules on the box with a cup of cocoa) - get him used to how kids sometimes come before a social life!!

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 19:30:00

(shouting)
WANKERRRRRRRRR

he came in and asked if i wanted to talk before he goes... Nope

Dont you want to talk about whats going to happen?
Nope

I need some.time. You may come and take the dcs out tomorrow.
What do you want me to do with them?
whatever you like, give me 30mins notice of.your arrival and Ill have them ready

Bye then
bye

themidwife Fri 27-Dec-13 19:31:45

You have to draw a line. He doesn't set foot in the house again. He collects them & takes them to his mum's to spend time with them. Tell him to get his stuff out right now.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 19:33:54

When he comes tomorrow Im going to say he cant move back in for while. He seems to think we can sort out the house over the next few days??!!!!!

His suggeation is he moves into the study and does up the hpise then we sell. With cs i will be able to afford 200,000. That will get me a 2 bed flat here?
no
i will be staying in my house and u will be paying

themidwife Fri 27-Dec-13 19:34:53

Cross posted - he's gone. Have his stuff in bin bags ready for collection tomorrow.

TheCrackFox Fri 27-Dec-13 19:38:51

Get all copies of any financial paper work - pay slip, p60s, bank statement

See a solicitor ASAP.

Check what benefits you can get via entitled.com

Don't let him back in the house again. He needs a big fucking dose of reality.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 27-Dec-13 19:39:42

do the kids handover on the doorstep

this is what he wants, remember

absent father

do not go out of your way to make it easy for him

your only responsibility is to make the kids available for pre arranged contact time...nothing more, nothing less

if he sees them saturday, they are not available sunday

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 27-Dec-13 19:42:06

i will be staying in my house and u will be paying

excellent

now, while he is gone, do what TCF said re getting all your finacial ducks in a row

this twat will rue the day he tried to take the piss out of you (if MN has anything to do with it...)

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 19:48:39

i like the bin bag idea...
I dont want to make him angry though, he xould insist on sleeping in the study...

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 19:49:36

wooooooop!!!! thanks mn!

themidwife Fri 27-Dec-13 19:55:08

Don't be scared of him. He's fucked up not you! You will be ok. All courts care about is supporting the kids, not releasing him from his responsibilities!!

themidwife Fri 27-Dec-13 19:55:54

PS now may be the time to go part time at work so you can cope love. thanks

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Fri 27-Dec-13 19:57:38

If only you would wake up and realise he is not the boss of you.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 20:25:56

i work 3 days at the ment always wanted to do 2 he said no we couldnt afford it sad

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 20:27:32

Does anyone know...
will he have to pay the mortgage and cs on top?

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 20:28:19

im going to get all paperwork tonight and go on entitled.

so tired though

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 27-Dec-13 20:43:30

Leave it for tonight if you wish

I suggest you go to CAB and/or your family law solicitor on monday, it can all wait until then

if, of course, all internet accounts are locked down

I wouldn't put it past him to drain the lot...is everything ok from that POV ?

themidwife Fri 27-Dec-13 20:49:13

Sadly he doesn't have to pay anything except CSA rate child support but hopefully he'll want to avoid bad credit by defaulting on the mortgage. If he does that speak to the mortgage lender to freeze the account until the divorce?

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Fri 27-Dec-13 20:51:18

That can't be right. If he is on the mortgage he has to pay.

DuchessFanny Fri 27-Dec-13 20:54:31

Only just read this through and have to say ... You might not feel it right now, but I think you're doing really well.
I also think you'll look back on this snog and be so grateful it happened because it was that final push.
He's an arse, a boring, arrogant, abusive arse and you are a lovely, strong, kind, witty woman who deserves a hell of a lot better than his meagre offerings !
Believe me it's better to be divorced and a happy mummy, than one walking on egg shells and upset all the time, I promise you !
I really have nothing to offer in the way of advice - other than I was upset when my parents split up, but now so happy they did .
If you're too tired tonight, look up the financial stuff when he has the kids tomorrow, make your plan then.

SandyDilbert Fri 27-Dec-13 20:54:39

the only legal thing he has to pay is child support as per csa guidelines.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 21:19:42

he just sent this

I'm really sorry that I have caused you so much upset. I've never wanted to hurt you. You are a fantastic mum and a brilliant person. We have just drifted so far apart over the past year

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 27-Dec-13 21:21:11

yes, because of him

bollocks mind games

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 21:22:07

he told.me.he would move the large sum for the house into.our joint tomorrow.

I am trusting all in order with joint account... I will call tomorrow. All housrhold bills in his name

She, by the way, has deleted her facebook account amd is petrified i will tell her fiance. Stuid little whore

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 21:22:22

bloody full stops!!!

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 21:24:52

should be STUPID WHORE

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 21:25:17

I have not responded

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 27-Dec-13 21:25:26

No, he is the whore. She is simply stupid.

MaeveORave Fri 27-Dec-13 21:33:26

Oh u got him out? Well done.
Let the start of a new more peaceful life begin.

MaeveORave Fri 27-Dec-13 21:41:33

No no no to him kipping in the study!

Thatd suit him too well. He'd have the children there, noeffort requirred to see them but could come and go as he pleased.

Agree with anyfucker (as always)

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 21:44:09

hes at his.mums tonight
he wants to know about whether he can come back...

Fairenuff Fri 27-Dec-13 21:49:19

Remember the cycle? Nice-nasty-nice-nasty...

He will be nice if he thinks he will gain from it. Stay strong, stand up to him and watch him go nasty again.

whitsernam Fri 27-Dec-13 21:51:34

Remember "No is a full sentence" and just tell him "No" ... Maeve and others above have already explained sooo well. I just wanted to reinforce their statements.

You are doing so well!! Him, not so much.

themidwife Fri 27-Dec-13 21:53:52

Of course he can't come back!!!

And watch him start the threats when he sees you mean it!

MaeveORave Fri 27-Dec-13 21:57:43

"No you cant come back".

He findss it easy to suit himself this man! What he wants is a pad from which to come and go, no expectation that there b a normal relationship! He would have tbat if he moved back in. There is another woman, famiky life bored him, whatvwould suit this guy perfectly would b to set up a bachelor pad in the study.
Agree with the crackfox. Line up your financial duck$ !!

doasyouwouldbedoneby Fri 27-Dec-13 21:59:51

No ..is a complete sentence

MaeveORave Fri 27-Dec-13 22:01:30

Yes. Nice. Nasty. Pause. Wounded martyr. Nice. Nasty. Pause. Martyr. Nice. Nasty. Pause. Pity party.
Rinse repeat
Rinse repeat.
U r better off speeding up the process. Say a firm no and u will fast forwRd thru the next few rinses.

MaeveORave Fri 27-Dec-13 22:07:15

I forgot a bit of the cycle!
The character attack.
When pity party doesnt work, that must mean u r a cold hearted bitch. Cos u owe it to him to forgive him. Why? Not sure. U must be selfish to decide to call it a day andgive up. If u werent so selfish ud carry on being miserable for ever to suit him!
Dont u see?
Your life is a mere sacrifice to his convenience!
;-)
Have heard it all!

themidwife Fri 27-Dec-13 22:09:23

Oh yes & he'll use a tardis to backdate the ending of your marriage to way before he started snogging any other women.

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts Fri 27-Dec-13 22:22:14

i think you have been really strong, i am worried that all the money you have is in his name though, hope you get it sorted

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 22:35:59

ok
I think a suitcase is in order then.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 22:42:42

Ive just spoken to a good friend who is both of.our friends
Although he is a man so rob a bit closer.to dh. He is really cross. Thinks he is a complete dick for throwing it all away. He thinks it maybe is somesort or breakdown.
He wasnt excusing the behaviour,just trying to fathom it all

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 27-Dec-13 22:45:08

Yes, you will find people trying to mitigate his behaviour

I suggest you ignore them all and make your own mind up

What with you being in the best position to do that'n'all, and in full possession of your eyesight, hearing and brain cells

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 23:04:37

twat

I keep crying then feeling angry then excited but mostly crying

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 27-Dec-13 23:06:28

All normal.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 23:10:26

jes a fucker

NettleTea Fri 27-Dec-13 23:35:42

Was it a breakdown when he did it to his last wife?
No
It just wasn't fun- all- on- his-terms any more, so he opted out of family life and blamed her
And now he has just done it again
Twat

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 23:38:56

he hasnt been married before but he had a ling term gf.

How the hell.does anyone sleep? im not going to.sleep.for a long time.am i

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 27-Dec-13 23:43:41

You will. Maybe not tonight nor for the next few nights, but you will

The body takes over x

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Fri 27-Dec-13 23:47:37

so sorry about all the bloody full stops and typos. Im going to get a giant phone for my fat fingers!

MaeveORave Fri 27-Dec-13 23:48:02

Breakdown shmakedown......
Depressed is the other wxcuse.
These are just labels to coerce women into overlooking huge flaws and selfishness.
He behaves badly to u - depressed or not.

MaeveORave Fri 27-Dec-13 23:49:05

U will sleep!!
So many thoughts doing laps right now but they will burn themswlves out.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sat 28-Dec-13 00:15:02

hope so...

he has left his tooth brush. I was putting clothes in a bag ready to give him tomorrow and noticed???

He put his stuff in a plastic bag when he went out earlier, tjought that was odd.

He obviously thinks hes coming back tomorrow

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 28-Dec-13 00:33:31

Of course he does

He is quite sure you will have stfu by tomorrow

bunchoffives Sat 28-Dec-13 00:50:24

I'd be so tempted to lose the keys while you're out and have to change the barrel of the front door lock tomorrow. All the upset he's caused can make you so forgetful and distracted it's easy to lose keys....

You are doing really well Malc. Don't weaken or falter now. This is your chance for a better life for you and DC. You'll never get another chance as good as this one at getting him out. Don't let him back in or that will be that for ages. Tell the DC he's away working and have a week's break at least before you resume contact for DC access. You need some space to adjust.

Re sleeping. Try to rest even if you can't sleep and try to relax a bit.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sat 28-Dec-13 08:22:07

how the hell do I get through today?

I just want to wave a magic wand and for it to have never happened.

themidwife Sat 28-Dec-13 08:37:25

Just be gentle with yourself today, eat cake & lots of cups of tea & cry behind closed doors so that when he turns up you can put on the performance of your life & be steely & strong.

SandyDilbert Sat 28-Dec-13 08:38:40

and do not enter into any conversation with him - there is no need and you will only get upset. Silent and calm is the best way I think. And remember, not one foot does he set over the threshold. Doorstep handover, quick a possible.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sat 28-Dec-13 09:31:06

he is here? im in the fucking shower and i hear him playing with dcs??????

he was supposed to text before he left

themidwife Sat 28-Dec-13 09:44:00

Marking his spot!!

I have only read your posts but just wanted to quickly comment about the most fabulous gifts you will be giving your children this Christmas.

Your daughter will be receiving, strength and self respect and your sons will be receiving the gift of happy relationships in the future and the opportunity to be decent fathers.

You are giving them these gifts by leaving that self absorbed waste of space and not allowing them to build up an idea in their mind that it is ok for men to treat their partners like he treats you and that being a dad is about putting your wife and children before yourself.

Good luck with the future. I left XH when dd said 'Daddy, don't hit mummy' it was the best thing I ever did. She may be the product of a broken home but she will know how you are to be treated in a relationship and that is far more beneficial to her than living with 2 unhappy parents.

Fairenuff Sat 28-Dec-13 10:13:57

You need to put a lock on the inside of the door to stop this happening again. He cannot just walk in like that. Fit a bolt on your front and back doors and keep them locked when you're in. If he asks, just say it's extra security.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sat 28-Dec-13 10:25:09

he is a wreck

He is sorry. He had wanted to leave for the past year.
He is sorry it has ended like this, not a clean break.

He had deleted her number, and has had no contact.

He wants to do whatever i want. He will come and tidy and do anything i want even if im not here to help me as he knows I have the children.

He said he will agree to anything I want.

What he wants to do is move back in. look after the children together. And see if we can be friends.
Then maybe try again if we can be friends?

SandyDilbert Sat 28-Dec-13 10:29:20

so he has wanted to leave for a year and have a clean break but still wants to come back? Find your self esteem and say no.

Sorry, he is playing games with your head. You need to get him out of the house now - and he cannot let himself in any more.

This trying again after being friends is rubbish btw - he just wants a green card to continue shagging the OW and then when it doesn't work out (because it won't) he wants you sitting waiting on the back burner for him.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Sat 28-Dec-13 10:32:25

He hasn't got the message yet you want it over. Why not? Are you hoping for an epiphany? Reread this thread. Remind yourself of the hurt he has caused you and the lies he has told, the cheating he has enjoyed. Pack his stuff, get him out and tell him to stay out. You do not need this twat in your life.

Good luck!

NigellasDealer Sat 28-Dec-13 10:36:17

*What he wants to do is move back in. look after the children together. And see if we can be friends.
Then maybe try again if we can be friends*
what a wankstain, isn't that what they used to call 'having your cake and eating it'?

clara26 Sat 28-Dec-13 10:41:56

Don't let him. He will just put you through the same again. My parents divorced when I was three and I'm oh so grateful. My dad was abusive towards my mother. We grew up in a happy and healthy environment with an amazing stepdad (who we all call dad) we are all well rounded rational people. Do yourself and your lovely kids a favour and get rid.

Xxx stay strong lovely

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sat 28-Dec-13 10:49:13

he seems broken though

myroomisatip Sat 28-Dec-13 10:51:12

I doubt he is broken. Just scared now that he has been caught out.

clara26 Sat 28-Dec-13 10:51:14

Just remember how he's made you feel.

SanityClause Sat 28-Dec-13 10:53:41

SEEMS broken.

Not IS broken.

If he reeeeally feels that way, he'll do "whatever it takes" which includes moving out and giving you some space to work out what you want.

doasyouwouldbedoneby Sat 28-Dec-13 10:55:02

No way--it's all about him.

If he really wants to be friends and maybe try again. Ask him to leave permanently. Try co parenting maybe then you can develop a friendship.

You cannot live together separately. Resentment would build up pretty quickly and it would be very confusing your the DC's. How do you think he would treat the DC he didn't want and probably blames for the breakdown of your relationship.
Get yourself a backbone honey and get him out now

SanityClause Sat 28-Dec-13 10:58:32

He's only in the house, because he deliberately went against your expressed wish for him to let you know when he was coming. He has no consideration for you AT ALL. So how's that going to work , when you are "friends"?

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sat 28-Dec-13 11:07:19

I want a magic wand

Im so sad

TheCrackFox Sat 28-Dec-13 11:09:38

The brokenness (breakdown etc) is all part if the script. It is completely put on and is designed to appeal to your caring nature.

He has treated you appallingly for the past year and you need to ignore what he wants and concentrate on yourself.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sat 28-Dec-13 11:12:01

but i want my family back too

doasyouwouldbedoneby Sat 28-Dec-13 11:18:28

You will not get your family back by going with his suggestion. That is a recipe for disaster. you would be questioning his every move and as you would be technically separated but living together he could -as could you- start dating again. How would you feel about a new partner being flaunted in your face.
Your relationship is broken, at this point beyond repair as it stands.
He has to move out as previously suggested, to give you space to decide what YOU want to happen.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 28-Dec-13 11:37:45

What family is that ?

the one he doesn't want ?

You do realise if he moves back in as "friends" that is is his green light to go out shagging while you look after the kids

Let him do that away from you, it kill you if you have to watch him walk out the front door to meet OW and come back "home" like a dog with 2 dicks

FGS, don't be a doormat

SandyDilbert Sat 28-Dec-13 11:39:51

so sorry you are sad. You can't have the family back sadly - I know how awful it is and you just wish that you could turn the clock back. But you can't - you need to find your self respect and get him out.

Clutterbugsmum Sat 28-Dec-13 11:40:15

Here read [http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script the script]]. I bet you/he can match more then one answer.

Clutterbugsmum Sat 28-Dec-13 11:40:30
redundantandbitter Sat 28-Dec-13 11:58:59

It's truly depressing to read the script. So many 'head nodding' moments. Urgh

clam Sat 28-Dec-13 12:02:46

Ladies, save your breath. I don't think the OP is hearing you. He's back in.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 28-Dec-13 12:04:16

I haven't given up yet.

Fairenuff Sat 28-Dec-13 12:10:30

Nice nice nice. Here he is. Mr Nice Guy. Will do anything you want.

If you believe him, take him back, get your family back together and then...brace yourself.

Here comes Mr Nasty. Nasty nasty nasty...

And so it goes on. For every nice word, there will be 10 disgusting insults. For every soft touch there will 20 aggressive outbursts. For every nice gesture there will 30 hideous let downs.

This is a game you can't win. You have one option. Stop playing.

clam Sat 28-Dec-13 12:21:04

(Nice to see you again AF. Struggling to keep up with all your name-changes!)

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 28-Dec-13 12:34:40

Thanks, clam. fsmile

Stick around a bit longer here, Malc is still listening and still interacting. All is no lost.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 28-Dec-13 12:36:15

*not

HowManyMincePies Sat 28-Dec-13 12:39:27

The tart he was messing with has scampered back to her better half.

Yours now doesn't have a better offer. If he did you wouldn't see him for dust.

You are at present the better option of little wifey to cook, clean and bend over backwards to make things better for him plus live with his kids while he can go out and carry on messing around or living in a smaller place and do it all himself until he finds the next person stupid enough to do it all for him.

The broken wretched act is to raise your sympathy and stop the man love hurting so he gets what he wants.

It is not in the slightest because he is upset he has hurt you. Just because his cushy life may change.

He is not sorry. He is still making excuses and saying he did it as the last year your relationship has been dead.

That cannot magically change overnight unless he us lying. There is only one reason he would lie. For his own gain.

You would be a fool to accept his offer.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 28-Dec-13 12:43:54

Mince Pies talk good sense.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 28-Dec-13 12:48:33

Malc, do not fool yourself that his offers to "do whatever you want" now place you in the position of having the upper hand

This is a common mistake women in this position make

They see an abject man offering them the world and think "yesss ! Now I am the one in control! I can make him be nice to me now and get my family back!"

It's all a mirage, love. Lies. Like all the ones that went before. It's just at the moment he seems to be saying the things he knows you want to hear. It will not last, because it is built on deceit. He will be shagging around quicker than the trailing chords of Auld Lang Syne and you will hate yourself.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sat 28-Dec-13 12:50:39

i kmow you are all right.
I am listening.
Dont give up please, I only found out about this stupid kiss 24hours ago. As I keep telling him. I dont know what I want yet.

To you lot I can be honest and admit my rollercoaster feelings. I have not let on to him any of it. I tbink thats because Im getting it out on here and to rl pals.

IF the stupid dalience with that little whore hadnt happend It would be easy to start again and pretent the other shit hasnt happened.

I suppose it is helping because I know my trust has been shattered so its making it impossible to ever reconcile.

Maybe thats what he wanted? (he has said that he wishes that hadnt happend as now its not a clean break, and he has caused hurt)

NewJerseyHousewife Sat 28-Dec-13 12:52:35

Sorry OP, It won't last.

Nice to see you back Af, and not giving up on OP.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sat 28-Dec-13 12:54:18

i said in a thread ages ago that if turns up it must be bad ;-)

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 28-Dec-13 12:57:43

Thanks, NJH fsmile

Malc, he wants to split. Bottom line. You know this. How this happens should be on your terms, not his. He has been calling the shots for far too long. He has your head wrecked. Get him out love and you will be able to think straight. Don't worry how you will get through the next few days. You will live (and we will help you)

This man is not worth it. He's just a man.

That's no kinda family that I would ever want. He's no kinda role model I would want for my kids. Actually you haven't had a family since he disengaged and started being bloody nasty to you. He was nasty to you whilst you were pregnant and when you were vulnerable with a new born. When you needed love and compassion.

FFS does he deserve your compassion?

I will guarantee that the dicking around started when he started being nasty to you too. He was just setting up an excuse for your marriage to fail without his infidelity coming out and you getting pregnant probably meant he had to put his plans on hold.

Seriously the script was written years and years ago and the cheating bastards rarely deviate.

Wishes it hadn't happened!

I wouldn't be bloody surprised if he engineered it to make damn sure it is the end and she is being played as much as you are.

Sorry to be harsh but this has happened to 2 of my best friends and you DH is doing exactly what they did.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sat 28-Dec-13 13:05:59

even the 'making life as easy as possible for you wife' is that normal? even though he wants to split. Could he just be trying to make it easier for all of us?

You can't pretend the other shit hadn't happened. You can't just pretend he treated you the way he did can you though?

You are the mother of his children, he should have been bloody cherishing you not acting like a self obsessed twunt!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 28-Dec-13 13:11:51

He is wanting it easier for himself

1) to salve his conscience
2) so he can say to all those that will judge him for dumping his young family "look how I am still putting the kids to bed, I'm not such a bastard after all! And malc is ok with everything!"
3) so he can still have all his domestic needs taken care of and a submissive wife at home who daren't rock the boat in case he takes off
4) so he can shag around and you will have to STFU because he is "making your life easier" by reading the odd bedtime story and tidying the lounge

SandyDilbert Sat 28-Dec-13 13:12:14

he is trying to salvage his conscience, plus make himself look like a hero. He needs to believe that he has done no wrong, so he will pretend to be nice now. He cannot admit he is a lying cheat, so he will have to pretend to be the good guy now. This is stage 1 of rewriting history. Next step will be him promising you shedloads of maintenance and for you to keep the house - it won't last sadly. Which is why you need legal advice and to protect your assets Monday morning.

He's trying to make life easy for himself, not you! Moving back into his home, being 'friends' and not a husband meaning he can do what he likes with other woman and opt out of being a couple. Please don't fall for it!

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sat 28-Dec-13 13:17:57

what about if I just accept the kindness from a distance?
so he still moves out, we r not together but I dont beat him up for trying to be nice?

That might work?
Then we might split amicably?...

TalkativeJim Sat 28-Dec-13 13:19:24

No, he just wants a bed.

He's thinking ENTIRELY of himself (naturally!!-when has he ever done my thing else?! Would he know how to think of anyone else?!)

He is saying absolutely anything, pulling out ANY available stop, to get you to let him stay.

This is the danger point for him. He knows, you know, that this is the ONE moment where you could get him out if the house. If he can contain you right now, get into the spare room, he's home and dry. And from there, he'll be back to business a usual - bullying, nastiness - with his aim being to get the house sold. You'll be in such hell after a week you'll be on your knees.

Don't cave. Stay MAD. Things in bag, him OUT.

From there, YOU'LL be in pole position. He will have to sort somewhere to stay and that will become the new status quo. You will be moved automatically along the path to separation with the default being what you want - him out, you in the house. Set that up now and it's easier to argue that it is maintained.

Fucking kindness now!!

That would be chucked back in his face!!

He should have been kind all along not now he has what he wants.

SandyDilbert Sat 28-Dec-13 13:27:19

you can split amicably without him living under the same roof as you. You can be in control here. He can stick his kindness where the sun don't shine. He was not being kind or amicable when he was with the OW. Wasn't thinking of you or your kids then was he??

themidwife Sat 28-Dec-13 13:29:34

Reading his own boring children a bedtime story is a kindness to you?!!!

Look - tell him to give you a few days of no contact to get your head round things. You can drop the kids at his mum's for him to see so he doesn't come to the house. Lock from the inside when you're there so he can't let himself in.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sat 28-Dec-13 13:47:17

only a chub and a yale. I need a bolt.

I think he is feeling guilt and shame. (he always said he would never cheat) and that he wants to make it easy for all of us.

I said i had packed him a bag, maybe he should put work clothes in for next week. He agreed so must be thinking he is going to sleep elsewhere.

I think we should set up contact days for next week. He can come and take them out.

That way I get a break too.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 28-Dec-13 13:48:12

Of course you can split amicably. I am not trying to incite you into being a screaming harridan wanting his balls on a plate. Ice maiden is the look you need here.

if he leaves amicably. He's not going to though. Mark my words.

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts Sat 28-Dec-13 13:51:45

i agree with anyfucker. at some point in the not too distant future when his life of freedom isn't all it's cracked up to be he will change. Thats why it is important that you get the money side sorted ASAP, do what it takes to make your children secure.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 28-Dec-13 13:53:48

by "amicable" if you mean trusting him to do right by you and the kids, then that would just be plain daft

get the solicitor appt booked

if he sees his arse about that, then you will know he has no intention of looking after you

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sat 28-Dec-13 13:58:41

i alwaus see the good in people, and he is the man i love so I guess Im just hoping he will be good.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sat 28-Dec-13 14:01:37

he has textto ask of he can pick anything up for us on way home. Its ok to say yes? i need nappies and other bits or should i not?

bunchoffives Sat 28-Dec-13 14:02:26

even the 'making life as easy as possible for you wife' is that normal? even though he wants to split. Could he just be trying to make it easier for all of us?

Is your mum still around Malc? That^^ is exactly the kind of thing my ex would have said in front of my mum, or to her. Total headfuck LIES. As soon as this becomes slightly difficult for him he will do the Jekyll/Hyde routine and you will have your life as hard as possible by him.

Don't let him back in, don't fall for it. He is not going to magically morph into wanting your DC or respecting you. In fact if you let him back it will get a whole lot worse because he will think he's got the upper hand and he can do what he likes and you still won't leave or chuck him out. Just see it as temporary at the moment if that's easier.

Good to read your pithy and reliable posts again, AF - you have been missed on rlshps. flowers

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sat 28-Dec-13 14:08:41

she is here but all said aeay from her.

She wants to speak to him, i told her not.to bother but she wants to so ots no skin off my nosr.
That will be awkward...

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Sat 28-Dec-13 14:12:55

I suggest you go back and re read your opening post. This is the man who pushes you when you have a child in your arms.

Unfortunately you have been so starved off kindness that he has to do so little to get you back.

For the sake of your children you have to stronger. They deserve to grow up without seeing or being the victim of abuse.

bunchoffives Sat 28-Dec-13 14:16:21

Yes, said away from her, in the sure knowledge it will be relayed!

Re the shopping, personally I wouldn't accept his uncharacteristically kind offer. Where was he when you were all sick? Why couldn't he be kind and thoughtful then? It would stick in my throat to go alomg with 'kind' version now.

Come on OP, you know this is all for effect. You know the real person your H is..... remember, the one who doesn't give a shit about you or the DC, the one who is bored by you?

antimatter Sat 28-Dec-13 14:29:12

Is it possible that his mother gave him massive telling off? Is he perhaps acting to please her?

Fairenuff Sat 28-Dec-13 14:36:40

As I keep telling him. I dont know what I want yet

That's a good line to use actually OP. Make him think that it's temporary, that you just need a bit more time. Anything to keep him away from you so that you can think straight.

what about if I just accept the kindness from a distance?
so he still moves out, we r not together but I dont beat him up for trying to be nice?

That would be great if he would go along with it but, sadly, I don't think he will. Once he realises he is not getting what he wants he will turn very mean. You can try being kind to him, but not at the expense of your own boundaries. Be clear and be firm.

he has text to ask of he can pick anything up for us on way home. Its ok to say yes? i need nappies and other bits or should i not?

Not. You need to make it really clear to him that there is only one thing you want from him right now. You want him to leave you alone for a while. No contact except for pre-agreed handover of children. He does not call round, he does not phone, he does not text.

Spell it out to him. He says he will do anything for you. See if he can do this.

bigbuttons Sat 28-Dec-13 14:38:22

He is abusive and this 'nice' phase is typical. It is a way of reeling you back in. It will make you wonder why you were so upset in the first place.
I mean how could he really be that bad if he wants the best for you and offers to do your shopping? Only nice people offer such kindnesses surely?
He is not being nice, he does not care about you all the children. He cares only for his own needs. It is inconvenient for him to be out of the house.
Op this is a man who has physically attacked you and ground you into the ground emotionally.
He is a nasty, nasty piece of work and extremely adept at emotional manipulation, as most abusers are. That is how you got into this mess in the first place, after all.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sat 28-Dec-13 15:13:43

damn, sent text with list of bits i need. Oh well i wont let him do it again!

I have just spoken to my best pal. Its so important to talk about it all. Im lucky I have you lot and rl people.

She thinks the same as you. I should not tell what i want. tell him i need time. make sure the house gets done then decide

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sat 28-Dec-13 15:17:38

his face when i told him i had her number and would be calling her!!! he tells me he has deleted her number. it was hilarious!!!
I then said I would be coming to work to speak to her!
hahaha his face!!!
"please dont"

themidwife Sat 28-Dec-13 15:22:01

That's it - scare the weasel!!

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sat 28-Dec-13 15:25:28

This is the time to be strong - for yourself and your children.

Of couse he is acting broken & sorry - the Stupid One has scuttled back to her partner and left him high & dry, he wants to come home until he finds a replacement.
.
He treats you like shit - you would be an absolute fool to fall for all of this again and I know you aren't... you just have to know you aren't as well.

Everything he does is calculated, designed to manipulate you.

Just picture him holding your baby girl - telling you that she is a mistake, it's all your fault for 'keeping' her If that doesn't make you see sense and keep him the fuck away from you all, then really, there's no hope that you will come to your senses about this bastard.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sat 28-Dec-13 15:30:37

im thinking i might pop into his work just to mess with him... is that evil

I do actually want to see her. I think it wouls scare her shitless.

doasyouwouldbedoneby Sat 28-Dec-13 15:31:32

Scare the weasel and her even further..

You will be seeing your lawyer, divorcing on the grounds of adultery naming her in the petition.....

Don't start playing games, you'll lose your high ground.

Go back and read your first free posts here, about what he was like before you found out about the snog. The snog is irrelevant.

The way he was treating you before you found out is enough reason to kick this waste of space out of your life. I bet my bottom dollar he thinks the snog is why you want him out. When really, all it is is a convenient reason to kick his sorry arse out.

There is nothing to be fixed here, it has disintegrated into thin air.

Few not free

themidwife Sat 28-Dec-13 15:37:16

And when he drops the few bits off do not let him in!!! Say thanks & tell him to collect the kids New Year's Eve at lunchtime & keep them at his mum's overnight because you're going out & need all afternoon to get ready!

He is shitting himself because I bet the dalliance started when he started being nasty. I would bet my bottom dollar it has been going on since before dc3.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sat 28-Dec-13 15:50:55

she only started at work this sept. Im nearly 100% sure there has been no other woman
But, I think he has been innapropiate at work for a long time over stepping the mark. He told me a girl has made a move on him twice at work. ( i know her too) and he knocked her back. Now why would a woman risk the humiliation of a knockback by her boss if she wasnt led along a bit?

I hadnt even thought about naming her in the divorce. Will she be notified?

themidwife Sat 28-Dec-13 15:57:03

Yes she would be served & liable to costs but the danger is if you can't prove they actually had sex then she could counter sue you for costs & he would be likely to play dirty. I think most solicitors advise these days to divorce for adultery with unnamed person to avoid costs.

antimatter Sat 28-Dec-13 15:59:31

If your dh was behaving in an inappropriate way and his work place learns that he may loose his job.
He knows that I am sure!

Would you be happy about that?

All these "near misses" with women throwing themselves at him are a bit strange. I've worked in male dominated industries and never once felt the need to fling myself on my unsuspecting boss. Nor have witnessed any of my colleagues being overcome by the rampant testosterone they just had to make a move.

He really has a high opinion of himself!

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Sat 28-Dec-13 16:35:18

I think you need to stop having any communication with him. You are all over the place. Want him out. Your family back. Let him help from a distance. Not attack him for being helpful.

This man has cheated on you and is worming his way back in. He is more bothered about what you will say or do to his OW than he is you.

DuchessFanny Sat 28-Dec-13 16:39:43

He really is hoping you won't make a fuss ...

y duchess, which usually means there is more to be discovered

DuchessFanny Sat 28-Dec-13 16:43:04

You've had no real time to think about what you want/need and he is already hoping that by deleting OW number and offering to pick up some shopping he is being all reasonable and nice. He is covering his back, he doesn't want to give you more ammunition ( so is being nicey, nicey ) to chuck his arse out and he doesn't want the embarrassment of you turning up at his workplace or speaking to OW

Get some space between you, I think it will help enormously.

DuchessFanny Sat 28-Dec-13 16:44:15

Yes ! What's the betting there's more to this 'song' and these other women at work who find him irresistible ?!

DuchessFanny Sat 28-Dec-13 16:44:30

'Snog' !!!

Ally90 Sat 28-Dec-13 17:07:58

Hi Malcolm...this is really bringing it all back to me.

I didn't want to break the family up, felt families should have two parents.

However my ex abusive h pulled many of the stunts yours has. What made up my mind (AFTER I had taken him back again!!!) was that I didn't want my children learning a) that is how you expect a husband to behave to their wife b) that dads should be such twats. They need to learn a different way. Bad luck we got it wrong. But better you send out a clear message to the children that men cannot go round treating wives like this. It is not acceptable.

No to letting him over the doorstep (after the ex was out the second time I have done this for a year, confused the children and made me feel the house was not mine/or a safe place). And he starts to try to get his feet under the table again.

Mine tried the mediation line...over and over again. If yours has tried this, you can go alone and they are there to support you to stay together, or separate.

At the end of the day, even if he can be nice occasionally...is that really good enough for you and the children? Shouldn't you be setting your standards higher?

I have a list in my head now for a future partner (and I still doubt I will ever trust a man again). Kind. Caring. Helpful. Assertive (with other people!). Confident. Fair. etc. My ex is assertive and confident but had a bypass on the kind caring etc.

This will really feel so hard right now, I totally feel where you are coming from, physically I feel what you are going through right now...and its so hard to be strong and follow through on the advice (I too cringed at clothes in bin bags and making him angry). But its your best chance at being assertive and getting a clean break as possible from him. Hang on in there, there is some fantastic advice on this thread and you CAN do this smile really you can (if I can anyone can!).

And it does feel better when they are out of the house and the oppressive atmosphere lifts. Oh and my eldest really adored daddy. A year down the line and their seeing his true colours sad

Keep going, keep strong, you can do this smile

xx

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sat 28-Dec-13 17:27:33

ok its all going a bit shit. Thanks for sticking with me x

He brought kids back, wanted to talk.

short version.
He is not prepared to be 'homeless' while i live here and he pays all the bills. That is not fair.
He wants to crash in the study, coming in at night. I cant stop him he lives here.

arguing, he went to go taking both laptops with him. I said what am i supposed to do with no laptop? and dcs? eventually gave one back. (they r his work ones but ffs)
then, he wont move the 30k over because if he is not living here he will need it to live on.

I said move half to me, then thats fair. More rowing.

He thrn said he wants to move into study, he will still do up hoise, then maybe we could try again????

NewJerseyHousewife Sat 28-Dec-13 17:31:57

You need lots of TLC for yourself OP

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Sat 28-Dec-13 17:36:29

She needs a back bone more like

WHY does he not know it is over? WHY does he not believe you when you say it is over?

He is following the script. When he stayed at his mother's you should never have let him back in as now he will bully and control you which will be horrific for the children to see sad.

Is it over?

SandyDilbert Sat 28-Dec-13 17:37:10

and you did say no??

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sat 28-Dec-13 17:38:41

yes i said no to all of it!!!

he is saying it was just a kiss this runs deeper blah blah blah

He has a key ffs.i.cant change the locks???

NigellasDealer Sat 28-Dec-13 17:40:03

why can't you change the locks?

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sat 28-Dec-13 17:41:29

its illegal

this is his house too

NigellasDealer Sat 28-Dec-13 17:42:06

oh right yes there is that......
hmm

SandyDilbert Sat 28-Dec-13 17:42:40

but it isn't just a kiss - it is all of his behaviour before you made that discovery.

so he is still there now?

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sat 28-Dec-13 17:43:06

smile

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sat 28-Dec-13 17:45:05

no he gone.

He told me to text him what i wanted ro do re the children.

He is feeling out of conyrol i think and that is hard for him

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 28-Dec-13 17:46:28

No more Mr Nice Guy then, that didn't last long hmm

Malc, you need to listen to us. Please stop reading the advice on your thread and then doing something else.

Tell him to leave. Make an appt with a solicitor on Monday. Tell him all further communication wrt finances will be after you have taken financial advice. Do not enter into any more discussions with him.

Copy all financial documents/screenshot online balances

if you do not do this, you will spend the next few weeks being jerked around like a puppet on a string.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 28-Dec-13 17:49:50

So he is gone for now. He will be back tomorrow wanting to move back in. You probably cannot stop him legally. Which is why you now need to get legal on his ass

Start divorce proceedings. You don't have to petition adultery, why bother. Just go the easy route.

And fgs, don't start playing any daft games like showing up at his workplace. Your dignity will go right down the toilet if you do that.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sat 28-Dec-13 18:01:13

just got this

Sorry that we argued again. The next time we talk could we do it when the boys are asleep as it's not fair on them. I'm not blaming you for that. Also I know you want space and I'll give you that but can you text me if you want me to do anything like clear the rubbish or take the children. Take care

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 28-Dec-13 18:11:40

Just ignore him

Noctilucent Sat 28-Dec-13 18:22:02

Did you argue in front of the children, or is he gaslighting you ?

I would ignore the text message but file for future reference.

As AF says, get legal. He will, so you must move accordingly to protect yourself and your children. Do not be naive and think it will be amicable - it will not, particularly if he likes to be in control and you have unsettled him. He will want to reassert control. You, meanwhile, need to buy some time to process everything that has happened and plan for the future.

Take copies of all paperwork including bank statements, especially the "sole" savings.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sat 28-Dec-13 18:23:19

i have ignored.its all so fucking wretched.

My mum called my dad to tell him.

Dh just wants a final decision.

I so want my husband back

bunchoffives Sat 28-Dec-13 18:25:28

READ THIS

Oh dear you must be so distressed and distracted with upset that when you go out tomorrow you will lose your keys. And then anyone could pick them up. You will not feel safe and so you will have to get new barrels for your door locks with new keys immediately from B&Q. You will have to google how to do this (very easy 10 min DIY job)

Unfortunately you will only have one set of keys with the new barrels and not be able to give H a spare set. It will take ages to get round to getting any more cut.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 28-Dec-13 18:26:05

the husband you thought you knew left the building some time ago

Greenkit Sat 28-Dec-13 18:27:50

TBH I would play the game, be nice make him think there is a chance of sorting out the marrage. At the moment he has all the money in an account away from you, you dont have proof of his earnings and you havent actually had any advice from a solicitor.

I dont mean allow him back in your bed, but make sure the house gets sorted, he puts the money in a joint account and you get some evidence of earnings, payslips bank statements etc. Then when you are ready you can make your move.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sat 28-Dec-13 18:28:33

they were in the next room, and dc 2 kept coming in.

He is right we shouldnt do in front of the children. I just dont want to talk.

Because we keep going over the same shit.
He thinks it was over anyway and it was just a drunk kiss.

I think if i hadnt found out he would have continued to text and then meet her next week. tben he would be back at eork and sre her as much as he wanted.

Be said he has felt shit since oct. I said well thats 2months of thinking compared to my 36hours

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sat 28-Dec-13 18:31:03

I have his last couple of payslips and his latest P60.

The only evidrnce of the £30k is that the sols put it into the joint account on the completion day. I imaging if i request a statement print out it will show which deposit it will be paid into.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sat 28-Dec-13 18:37:51

Stop being pulled back in by him, just stop it.

He is gaslighting you.
He is saying 'it's your fault' when he says 'next time can we talk when the boys are asleep - I'm not blaming you for this'. He is.

He's pretending to be nice one minute then showing his true colours the next.

- Solicitors. Find one now, do not discuss anything financial with H. Start the divorce.

- It doesn't matter what you want - it really doesn't, because you cannot have it. Harsh lesson in life. You cannot have your husband back - this git is not fit to be your husband & he doesn't want a marriage with you. Yes he wants to come back to the house and yes he wants you there, he wants a skivvy that knows her place and will be controlled by him - that is all. That is not 'having your husband back'. That fairytale is over.

- Forget the kiss, even if he hadn't kissed her your relationship is over, it's a train wreck that cannot be rebuilt - he doesn't want it and you are woth more than that. Your kids are worth more than that.

- Get copies of anything and everything you can (financial) esp a screen shot of the money he has effectively stolen from you.

Stop stop stop stop stop thinking 'I want my husband back' - the husband you want doesn't exist. There is a bloke here who you are trying to turn into that man, you can't do it.

You have to focus on getting out of this with your sanity intact, you kids as unscarred as possible and as much equity as you can - that is what you have to focus on!!

I know it sounds harsh, but I think you need harsh.

fast forward to baby being 5 weeks old. All ok I tjought, then we had a huge row when he pushed me whilst i was holding the baby.
3 weeks ago he had a massive go at me because "Im lazy"
He said "Ive come to a decision and its non negotiable" " I will be joining a football team again on sat or sun, and we need to spend more time together"
I said we need to talk, he was calm, polite and informed me how boring I am and he is so depressed and lonely because he cant talk to me becauase I have nothing interrsting to say. He is soooo bored. Hes not inyerested in anything I say because its baby crap. He doesnt care about my friends or their kids.
*His oldest friend is trying to have a baby. They have paid for 3 rounds of IVF and now r travelling abroad to have one last go.
He sat with my angel in his arms telling me I ruined everything by getting pregnant. He knows i did it.on purpose. We were sorted with Dcs getting older. He knows he hates the baby stage and we have it for years. All while holding this precious gift that his friends can only dream of...*

You want this man back?? Seriously, the man you married may have been wonderful, but he comes with this alter ego that he pulls out anytime he feels like it to keep you in your place.

Because you have cow towed to his pitiful grovelling today, he is pulling out all the stops to get y back in the place he wants you with threats.

The sooner you have severed the matrimonial ties with this many the sooner you can get on with you life with your lovely children in a home where no one is tiptoeing round anyone.

NettleTea Sat 28-Dec-13 18:44:33

you may not have the account number, but you have texts now where he has acknowledged that £30K and that it is in another account. dont delete them, and maybe try to talk about them a bit more on text so he cannot hide it

Sorry for the typos, had ds climbing all over me!

NettleTea Sat 28-Dec-13 18:47:39

he only wants to come back because he wants the comfort of home. he isnt homeless - he could go to his mums, but he would rather return to where he can keep an eye on you and make sure you are not getting too strong,m you are doing all his cleaning and cooking, and you might just STFU and forget about it, at which point he might contemplate shagging you again. Meanwhile he can concentrate on playing perfect daddy to get the kids onside. Surprising how much they want to play dad when previously they have been so disinterested.

NettleTea Sat 28-Dec-13 18:48:31

how long before he claims desperate depression and says life isnt worth living in an overly dramatic fashion??

NewJerseyHousewife Sat 28-Dec-13 18:51:25

One thing I noticed on threads like this.

Someone is being controlled by their dp/dh who ever. Posters with good intentions come on telling the OP what to do to get out of the situation. The thing is then they get angry at the OP for not doing as they are told. It is not a surprise the poor op was being emotionally abused by their nearest and dearest and then some strangers off the internet are taking the controlling role the dh/dp had at the very same time the OP is trying to escape from being controlled.

Give op a break for not doing as she is told by posters.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sat 28-Dec-13 18:51:33

i do need harsh. Its just a rollercoaster.
I dont want him to be homeless but i dont want him here

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Sat 28-Dec-13 18:52:22

What olives said.

I am more worried about you, OP, than frustrated. You read but don't seem to understand and keep posting every tiny thing that happens but what is missing is any actual action.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sat 28-Dec-13 18:52:43

shit sorry loads more to read

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Sat 28-Dec-13 18:54:54

He said he wants a final decision. Why the hell haven't you given him one?

MadameLeBean Sat 28-Dec-13 18:58:24

Come on Malcolm! You can do it. Who cares if the selfish arse has to find somewhere else to live? That's his problem.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sat 28-Dec-13 19:01:07

i told him it wasnt mu prob but he says he has a home with plenty of space

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sat 28-Dec-13 19:04:33

I am frustrated too - but not with you, just with the fact that he's done such a good job on you that you are falling for his shit sad I want to be able to talk to you IRL, make you see sense and keep that fucker away from you sad

He isn't homeless FFS he can go to his mothers and if he stops playing silly fuckers with the money you can sort the finances out and neither of you will be homeless.

Your kids & you deserve more than this - especially DC3, who does not deserve to grow up in a house with this utter utter wanker who thinks she is a terrible thing you did to trap him.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sat 28-Dec-13 19:05:50

He had a home - he no longer has a home, he has a share of a house which he will get in the future - that is all.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sat 28-Dec-13 19:07:28

Don't be sucked into this - he is OUT keep him OUT. The minute he gets back in he will be fucking unbearable.

SandyDilbert Sat 28-Dec-13 19:13:04

he doesn't have a home any more - that is the whole point.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 28-Dec-13 19:21:58

NJH to be fair, Malc has made it clear she needs unvarnished truth here

if she was getting upset (with us)/defensive/pulling away then fair enough but she isn't

people are getting a little frustrated yes, but they are still here and so is she

anybody can just stop posting any time they like, including Malc

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 28-Dec-13 19:22:22

(although I really hope she doesn't)

RollerCola Sat 28-Dec-13 19:46:14

My first time posting on this thread Malc, but just wanted to let you know I was in a similar position in July.

I was desperate for my h to move out. I couldn't think straight with him in the house, and the atmosphere was truly unbearable. He refused to move out at first, he insisted that the house was still his & I couldn't 'make' him move out (despite him being the one who wanted a divorce)

He said he wouldn't move out until the house had been split legally - I think someone had told him not to leave in case he lost everything. But he did absolutely nothing to sort any legal affairs out. He didn't get a solicitor, he just sat there and waited for me to do it all. He literally sat at home night after night on the sofa, not speaking to me, just waiting for something to miraculously happen.

I couldn't physically do anything fast enough - I work full time, 2 dcs, I was doing everything in the house and he wanted me to sort out mortgages/solicitors etc all by myself & just refused to budge until I had.

We limped on for weeks & it was the most horrendous time ever, worse than deciding to split. In the end I told him there was no way I could sort anything out by myself. It would be months until anything was sorted and I wasn't prepared to live in the same house as him for that long.

He finally moved out after 10 of the worst weeks I've even lived through. As soon as he'd gone the fog lifted and I could think clearly again. Things are now a million times better.

Please don't let him stay at home. It will drive you insane. Get him out as soon as you can, it will make things so much easier to deal with.

themidwife Sat 28-Dec-13 20:08:04

Don't worry Malc, we understand this is early days for you. A shock hearing about his dalliance & you not only have a baby but maternity leave soon over. Get some time to think.

Fairenuff Sat 28-Dec-13 20:28:45

I know you want space and I'll give you that

This is what he has said.

First he says he'll do anything you want and he hasn't done that.

Now he says he will give you space. Let's see if he will.

It's not a lot to ask is it. So far all of his words have just been hot air.

SandyDilbert Sat 28-Dec-13 20:48:27

Malc - you must be reeling, such a shock and upset. The reason why we are sort of nagging you is so many of us have been in exactly the position you are in now. We know just how dreadful you are feeling now. By taking action then it does make the situation real, and it would be lovely to just bury your head in the sand and do nothing. But denial will not protect you or your assets sadly.

Every step you make towards independence is a step away from him and your old life - and that is utterly heartbreaking. But you have to make those steps, and every one you make is going to secure yours and your childrens' futures so you really have to do it.

I would advise not communicating with him until you have sought legal advice on Monday - then you will be clearer how you can proceed.

antimatter Sat 28-Dec-13 21:09:34

ex staying with me and the kids after the split was the most soul destroying experience

in my case in the end it lead to depression and after over 3 years I am myself again
very, very expensive lesson, I would never wish it on anyone

themidwife Sun 29-Dec-13 09:15:27

Yes I had 6 months of it. It was awful. He, like your "D"H pushed me over when I was holding a newborn baby. Eventually he was made to leave by the police & courts & bound over to keep the police. You must phone the police if & when he lays a hand on you or the DCs again.

Ally90 Sun 29-Dec-13 10:26:41

Same experience here...first of all he was going to move out, went to view a house, then a week later after no progress he tells me he's decided that he's staying as why should he move out? 4 months later (after a lot of very uncomfortable evenings and a number of lectures on my many shortcomings) he moved out.

One solicitor said to me that many go into denial, but eventually as the divorce progresses it sinks in that you are divorcing and they start to accept it and do something. Right now he is thinking that you can get back together and nothing will change.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 29-Dec-13 11:05:24

Malc, you ok ?

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sun 29-Dec-13 11:23:14

still here

spoke to dad and brother last night.

Im so confused.
i keep changing my mind about what i want.

Could this be rock bottom, like alcholhics and drug addicts get wherr they have to losr everything to sre what they have got?
could he not be having a breakdown. Thats not to say tbe previous behaviours are acceptable. They are not, but maybe he is so wrapped up in himself and his needs and wants he had lost any understanding of me...

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 29-Dec-13 11:26:11

Has he said any of this ?

Why would that make it ok? Read back what you just wrote.

Fairenuff Sun 29-Dec-13 11:29:26

What did you dad and brother say about it?

No, this is not rock bottom for him or you. It could get a lot worse. He is just facing a bit of disruption to his comfortable set up and he doesn't like it.

Tough.

See a solicitor tomorrow. Find out what benefits you could get. Focus on the things that you can do to help yourself. It doesn't hurt to find out and you will feel stronger for it.

Try to rest. Are you eating? Soup is a good option if you have no appetite. Set yourself small goals and be kind to yourself x

SandyDilbert Sun 29-Dec-13 11:40:03

do not excuse his behaviour on a breakdown - is that what your Dad said?

Please strop trying to understand or justify his behaviour - he has done what he has because he wants to and this is the type of man he is. Don't minimise it by saying he is unwell.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sun 29-Dec-13 11:44:44

he hasnt said any of this.
I havnt spoken to him since he left last night except for confirming we will will talk again but aeay from the housr. (after i have seen sol hopefully) he said he woulf sort babysitter.

I am eating, dm is forcr feeding me. Quite like the heartbreak diet, got a skinny tum again wink

My dad is angry and dissapointed and insistent i stay in the house.

My brother is very sad. We dont see each other as he lives abroad but we speak once or twice a week so we are close. He is also very heavily into the church (we are not) so he is hoping we can get through it.
He is a man obviously so knew all the midlife cliche crap. Hr was joking that he dreams of a motorbike to ride off for the day on and maybe we should get Dh a Harley (joke)

MistressDeeCee Sun 29-Dec-13 11:47:30

Breakdown? What is this thing, when men are being outright silly and unkind, women explain it away as a breakdown? I dont mean to sound harsh but sorry, I see that mentioned in so many threads on relationship boards. Its ridiculous that this diagnosis is reached (not by a GP, either, but by the 'wronged wife') when a man is ill-treating her. I agree with SandyDilbert stop trying to minimise his behaviour by saying he is unwell.

OP youre the one who will become unwell if you dont face and deal with this man who is gaslighting you and causing you untold stress, which could impact on DC as well as yourself if you're not careful.

Fairenuff Sun 29-Dec-13 11:50:15

Just to prepare you Malc, if you continue with this he will probably also threaten to kill himself. It's part of the script. I don't want to alarm you but just to let you know it's all for show.

Getting out of a relationship like this is a bit like getting past all the waves so that you can swim in the sea. You can see them coming, they build up to quite daunting heights and come crashing around you.

Sometimes they knock you all the way back to the shore but if you keep trying and are determined, eventually you get past them into the calm blue waters.

Don't stop trying. It's worth the effort. He's got you confined to a tiny island but once you're past the waves, there is a whole world out there for you.

NettleTea Sun 29-Dec-13 11:52:56

believe me, this isnt rock bottom by a long way.....

He has been moaning about how he isnt happy in his marriage for a long time, has told you the marriage was over, but now you have taken him up on his offer he is back peddling furiously.
That shows you 100% that all his guff about bored and lonely was exactly said to put you in your place and make you run about after him, etc etc, or to frighten you into doing what he wanted, in case he took the marriage away.
My ex used to do this all the time - any time he was called on his bad behaviour it would be 'wahh wahh, I dont know if I want to be married' and Id be jumping about trying to save it, a great distraction from what he had actually done/not done.
But when I finally said, 'OK, go then' he didnt have that over me and suddenly he wanted to 'work on it'
the work on it script was a different script, but it was a script none the less - just a new tactic for him to get his domestic needs met and to get me to STFU while he basically carried on doing what he wanted. And he didnt have to leave the house.

So, going back to what your OH said - about the marriage being dead, about being bored and uninterested, etc etc. what did he expect you and DCs to do? did he expect all of you to go rather than him? In purely practical terms it is much easier for a working man, on his own, to find a sofa to crash on, and then a room, than for a non working mum with kids to find a friend for you all to go to.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sun 29-Dec-13 12:02:36

what makes me most angry is that I have no control over my feelings. I am like a tornedo, calm, then sobbing, then... I didnt do this, he did. I hate this feeling.

RollerCola Sun 29-Dec-13 12:12:28

Emotions like this are normal, just try to ride through them.

The thing to remember is this. He said he was bored, that you are boring. He didn't want to talk to you because you never had anything interesting to say. None of this is true, it's him being a twat and not taking a role in his family life.

So why does he want to try again? What will be different? He'll just want YOU to change. He won't, things might be better for a few weeks and then you'll be back to square one.

You deserve SO MUCH MORE respect than this. How dare he say those things about you. You have raised his children while he sits about moping and moaning like a pathetic shit. If he didn't get up and take control of his life before he never will.

Don't stand for it. Be strong and kick him out for good. Let him go and be 'bored' somewhere else with someone else. Eventually he'll realise that he's the boring one.

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie Sun 29-Dec-13 12:37:44

I remember upthread you mentioned how your parents split up when you were a teen. It seems likely you are not just evaluating your feelings for H but you are worried about your DCs. At the back of your mind are you fearful of what you and H separating will do to them?

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sun 29-Dec-13 12:43:03

yes donkey

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie Sun 29-Dec-13 12:56:06

A man who fathers a child then sits holding his baby DD and tears strips off his DW for having her is not someone interested in being an involved loving parent.

You said DC1 adores him, very often DCs sense when Dad rations time and attention and work all the harder to attract his interest. If there is genuine mutual affection, if you and H split up, they can still have contact and he can still be a parent. He has been coasting for so long, you've been picking up the slack. I hope you weren't pinning hopes on him somehow coming good once your ML ends and you are back at work. Isn't it more likely he will still contribute as little as he can get away with? Still demand more 'man time'?

At the moment you can find excuses for him: work, DIY, some kind of brainstorm that only impedes his connection with you and the DCs but otherwise allows him to function perfectly fine in all other areas. Really?

I am very sorry your idea of a family is not shared by H. You will have your work cut out as a single parent but without his selfish antics you may find life a lot easier.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sun 29-Dec-13 13:16:59

he makes me sick.

I have only recently been using facebook to pit pics on. Im only friends with family and close friends. Ive put loads on of dc over the last month and when i would say did u see that pic of ...
No i dont go on fb.
No interest.

Just put one on, and he likes it almost immeadiatly.

So he is on facebook when the ow is involved and hes interested in cute pics of the kids when he is not with tem

RollerCola Sun 29-Dec-13 13:26:07

Ah yes, facebook is a great way for him to show his friends what a great dad he is.

My ex never posted pics of the kids on fb. Suddenly there's lots of them doing things at his house. All happy and smiley. And all his pals are liking them. Makes me sick too as he never wanted much to do with the kids when he was at home hmm

Just ignore him.

ScrambledSmegs Sun 29-Dec-13 13:30:30

I think you can block him from seeing stuff on your timeline. Somewhere in privacy settings. It would give you some psychological space, if you want it.

Sorry you're going through this. What an idiot he is.

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie Sun 29-Dec-13 13:44:27

Shows what a phoney he is.

SandyDilbert Sun 29-Dec-13 13:53:49

you can change settings so your pictures are only visible to close friends and not acquaintances, then you can make him an acquaintance only by clicking on his page, then hovering over the friends button and drop down menu mark him as an acquaintance.

You can also limit all past posts, make your friends list invisible, likes not visible. Privacy is the way forward I find.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 29-Dec-13 14:37:10

All for effect innit

he wasn't interested before, now he is Dad Of the Year. Very transparent and obviously he is doing damage limitation like I described as above

if all his FB pals think he is a doting dad then of course he must be

except, he isn't

I would consider suspending your FB page at the moment, just until everything has settled. You are giving him a reason to manipulate you, showing himself as the dotting dad.

You apcan easily reactivate it anytime you want.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sun 29-Dec-13 16:55:19

i spoke wil mil earlier. She didnt know the whole truth as he is not talking. He did not tell her about the messaging to ow or the arranhing to meet up. She was shocked as he must have said it was just a drunken kiss.

She was very supportive and said I must be firm and tell him what I want. He cannot move back it will be drvastating for me and dcs.

She also thinks I should give up work as she cannot see how I will cope. I dont want to give up completly but I am considering dropping a day so I work 2.

Mil also was very insistant I should stay in the house and He will have to pay until dc3 is 18.

I told her about the things he has said to me and the violence and I just dont think I can try any more as it will only happen again.

She was sad but agreed. Dh dad pushed her down the stairs, she left soon after.

Its nice to know she can see both sides.

SandyDilbert Sun 29-Dec-13 17:06:40

It must have been difficult to talk to her - so well done. I hope she continues to be a support and may you draw strength from her too.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sun 29-Dec-13 17:15:45

i hope she talks to him.
He is not talking to anyone so just going over it all in his head.

he needs some sense knocking into him

SandyDilbert Sun 29-Dec-13 17:19:50

but even if he does have some sense knocked into him how could you ever trust him again. What is done is done, no amount of anyone talking to him is going to take that away.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sun 29-Dec-13 17:36:15

i meant sense about moving out. Not stealing all the money and letting his family stay in the family house

SandyDilbert Sun 29-Dec-13 17:37:45

oh I see - well I guess it depends on what your lawyer can do. Are you going to try and see one tomorrow?

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sun 29-Dec-13 17:52:12

yes, I have a load of numbers im going to call at 9

themidwife Sun 29-Dec-13 18:31:54

Glad you're telling your family & his the truth so he can't tell everyone "you just stopped loving each other"

Shitballs Sun 29-Dec-13 18:50:18

There is a brilliant book called when dad hurts mom by Lundy Bancroft. It details out very clearly the effects of abuse on families, women and children.

If ever you have doubts about doing the right thing for them, this book will help you. I was shocked when I read it. I could relate to so much. It also talks about separation and moving forwards with contact and difficulties that may arise. It provides info on how to emotionally support to your children when your partner won't.

It will arm you with knowledge and confirmation you are doing the best by them. Stay strong.

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO Sun 29-Dec-13 19:07:19

thank you I will get the book.

Yes he is obviously using the 'not been righy for ages' bullshit.

All his sisters and out dns were supposed to be coming tomorrow. I called one and told her. She was shocked at his behaviour and wants to come see me still. She said she loves me and im still her sister

themidwife Mon 30-Dec-13 08:35:18

Poor baby, he's going to feel a bit ganged up on soon!