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Tips on getting over a broken heart please

(66 Posts)
duckandcover Wed 18-Dec-13 16:27:43

In the space of 24 hours a new relationship with a man I absolutely adore seems to have gone tits-up - and I am heartbroken. I don't want to go into because I'm scared it boils down to the fact he is just not as bothered as I am. He is absolutely not a bastard, in fact he is lovely. Well, I would say that as I am mad about him still. Please distill what life has taught you about surviving this awful, insistent, bleak sadness for an old fool who can't help herself.

Plumbingtrouble Wed 18-Dec-13 16:32:37

I am sorry. It is hard isn't it. Are you able to tell us any more? How long you were together, are you sure it's over?

I have v recently had my heart broken; had been seeing someone on and off and he has pulled the plug. I am just trying to keep myself constantly busy, so I have little time to think about him.

duckandcover Wed 18-Dec-13 16:36:05

It's a dull story - but think we managed to just get a little intense, tried to skip a few steps, which ended up with what felt like our love draining away in front of us. Real squandering sadly. So something I can feel nice and silly for!! I'm sorry you've been here too recently.

MerryFuckingChristmas Wed 18-Dec-13 16:37:22

Is there any mileage for you in the "to get over a man, get under another one" ? At all ? wine ?

JeanSeberg Wed 18-Dec-13 16:38:09

I'm afraid it's a cliche but only time will make you feel better.

duckandcover Wed 18-Dec-13 16:39:12

merry that sounds fantastic! Don't suppose you have a spare one do you? smile

duckandcover Wed 18-Dec-13 16:40:16

Jean I know you are right. I suppose I just want to feel like I'm doing something useful.

MerryFuckingChristmas Wed 18-Dec-13 16:41:29

I do have a spare one as a matter of fact. An old friend is visiting for xmas from overseas. Single, all own teeth, solvent, unfortunate fashion line in shell trousers and running shoes but that could be easily sorted fsmile

duckandcover Wed 18-Dec-13 16:42:49

merry I think my lesson here is that someone making me laugh is at least an aspirin for the pain!!

Maoamstripes Wed 18-Dec-13 16:43:01

its utter crap isnt it... time, looking after you, mourning, getting back out there, keeping busy, positive thinking..
never say never? you sure its over? you may just need a break?

TheDayOfMyDoctor Wed 18-Dec-13 16:43:08

I'm with JeanSeberge I'm afraid.

What doesn't help from bitter experience is getting too serious too quickly with the next man you meet and projecting all your hopes for your broken relationship onto your new one.

See some friends, have some fun, have a good cry or two. Don't call him/Facebook him if you get drunk. It will get better.

redundantandbitter Wed 18-Dec-13 16:45:45

3 months on from utter heartbreak . Anti depressants. Counselling. Self help book. Posting on here. Going 'no contact ' . Keeping busy. Support from friends.

In reality a lot of tears, days spent just going through the motions . You just have to push through the shite and hope for a light at the end of the tunnel.

You poor love, so sorry this has happened - hope you have a busy Christmas planned? Any parties?

duckandcover Wed 18-Dec-13 16:47:00

maoam I wish it were the case we needed a break. But needing a break after two months (before that five years as friends) would not be a good sign methinks. I like the idea of bracing myself for more tears, rather than weeping twice as hard for shame when they come.

duckandcover Wed 18-Dec-13 16:49:11

redundant I am so sorry. And Christmas is sort-of a saviour inasmuch young children don't let you mope...but at the same time beautiful little angels in tinsel is a bit of a tear-jerker...

Maoamstripes Wed 18-Dec-13 16:49:51

think you may have to spill the beans and tell us what has happened in the space of 24 hrs.. why do you think is "just isnt that into you"? what has he said?

EllieInTheRoom Wed 18-Dec-13 16:58:54

Lots of wine wine wine. No gin, definitely not gin!

My friend posted her SIM card to herself?? Excellent idea. Stops you watching that phone, though she did nearly jump the postman when he finally arrived.

I think MFC's idea of getting back on the bike is a very good one, must be loads around this time of year.

Also, I'm having a bit of a shit time too and a plate of pigs in blankets last night helped!


duckandcover Wed 18-Dec-13 16:59:41

It's hard to explain - the only description I can think of is when you adore someone, you can't stop talking and touching when you are alone, then suddenly in public it drains away and you feel foolish in the cold light of day and there's awkwardness and it just dies in front of you.

duckandcover Wed 18-Dec-13 17:02:35

ellie wine will definitely be incorporated into the regime! Though all Internet self-help guides seem adamant that it will lead to total mental and physical collapse. Love the idea that there are loads of men around this time of year; makes them sound like tinsel or gift sets!

Scarletohello Wed 18-Dec-13 17:03:33

Well it's taken me a year to get over my year and a half relationship and the only thing that really helped was time. I was depressed, unmotivated, self pitying but slowly slowly I started to feel better. Read, see friends, be good to yourself. Post on here. Good luck, Xmas is a horrid time for this to happen.

If its a real "Broken Heart", unfortunately you will never stop grieving.
Only time will ease the pain of losing a loved one.

mammadiggingdeep Wed 18-Dec-13 17:56:14

I agree with never truly getting over it. I still have a piece of my heart with my ex from my 20s (not dc's dad). He truly was the love of my life I think. Still think of him frequently and sometimes think I've seen him in busy places. Oh god- sound like a nutter!! I'm not really!

louby44 Wed 18-Dec-13 18:56:28

It just takes time! I'm doing the broken heart thing too. Ex DP of 6 years, both previously divorced, we met each other and fell deeply for each other. We decided to throw the towel in last week.

We had bought a house together within a year of meeting, large detached as we have 4 kids...hindsight, we should have waited. But we wanted to be together.

Over the past couple of years he has shown himself to be a nasty, insecure, jealous bully who me and my 2 DS are now stuck with until we sell our house. I've had to end this relationship as it was damaging my boys who he constantly criticised and moaned at.

I go through periods of feeling strong and the feeling just so sad. I have a great family and wonderful friends so I'll get through it!

Itstartshere Wed 18-Dec-13 19:25:08

I'd just say time. Each week it gets easier.

Keeping busy is crucial, do the things you love and which make you feel good so you can remind yourself your life is rounded and not dependant on one person to make you happy. And chat to your friends - everyone has had their heart broken and knowing you aren't the only one helps.

I had my heart broken recently. It has been horrible, but I've been going out on other dates and I do feel much better than I did. They guy got back in touch and has been messing me around and dangling hope before me but he is still really messing me about, so I told him today in no uncertain terms to fuck off. Has felt awesome! I was pining over him so much and that feeling has largely gone now. It does get easier, promise.

PyjamaDayToday Wed 18-Dec-13 19:42:35

Go no contact, delete every trace of him from your life, read self help books, get busy, join things, eat chocolate/cheese/whatever - worked for me smile

duckandcover Wed 18-Dec-13 20:05:24

Thank you so much ladies and gents - feeling marginally less pathetic, and plenty of posts remind me to get some perspective too, in a very gentle way. MaybeI ahold be more pissed off with him too. We both misjudged it; he was behind the pace, I went along with it too readily. Can I ask was there a catalyst or a moment you knew you would be okay?

duckandcover Wed 18-Dec-13 20:07:09

pyjama and other NC recommenders : thank you. All trace of him has gone , and I certainly wd have sent him some hideously brittle text by now otherwise.

JeanSeberg Wed 18-Dec-13 20:18:15

Take care duck and here's to a great 2014 for you.

duckandcover Wed 18-Dec-13 21:01:49

jean thank you - the concept of a new year made my heart lift a little!

JeanSeberg Wed 18-Dec-13 21:13:13

Great! Only 2 weeks to go!

tiamariaxxx Wed 18-Dec-13 23:36:59

All i can say is times a healer. I ended up back with the guy who broke my heart and hes now my hubby and things arent perfect but we are happy (most the time)

At the time i just gor peed out of my head and would go out finding new guys makes you feel better for a little while until you wake up and realise you still miss that person sad

MeMySonAndI Wed 18-Dec-13 23:47:43

The best advice I was given was to write down all the things I hated or found worrying about him. It was a wonderful reminder or why the end was for the best at times when due to so much nostalgia I started to idealise him.

And remember, someone that goes from great boyfriend/husband/friend/partner to nothing in the space of 24 hours is not worth staying with. You need someone that knows relationships are not to be left without warning, you either try to work things through together or the one leaving starts giving some hint about the incoming end. Dumping someone unexpectedly is very cruel, so he couldn't be such a good guy unless you have done something bad enough to break the deal.

Stupidhead Thu 19-Dec-13 05:55:01

^^ this kept me sane. We split after three years and I was heartbroken. I removed everything of his, bought new bedding, rearranged furniture, treated myself as best I could, threw myself into work. We were, I thought, perfect. We stayed in minimal contact, he'd text two or three times a week and I'd reply but I'd never initiate. He'd call in for a cuppa occasionally. I tried dating (I'm also of the mindset get over one by getting under another..couldn't bring myself to actually 'do it').

After 8 weeks he asked to call around and we talked for hours. We'd lost 'us' somewhere and I agreed. Within a week he'd moved back in and we're officially engaged and due to marry next year smile it has NEVER been better!

duckandcover Thu 19-Dec-13 08:04:16

tia and stupidhead - am so pleased for your happy endings! I've not totally abandoned hope of my own. Made a concerted effort to keep busy yesterday ( hard as the weather was horrific and neither DDog or DD were keen to get out. I've starting writing down all the projects I could lose myself in and it's quite a list, so today is day one of pulling myself together. The pain is a hard knott today, not so generalised, so I feel I have a fighting chance of ignoring it.

solosolong Sat 04-Jan-14 23:28:44

I know this is an old thread, but I just discovered it whilst attempting to patch up my own broken heart. How are you doing? It would be good to hear something positive...?
My heartbreak dates from around the same time as yours - and sounds quite similar. I managed to get through Christmas and New Year by pretending everything was ok. It isn't though. I don't even know if it's definitely over but it feels like it is and I am devastated and just don't want to feel so shit.
Any advice greatly appreciated.

wildwest Sat 04-Jan-14 23:50:51

Mine happened out of the blue New Years day! I told him I loved him and he said it was too soon. That he wasn't there yet. Which was fine. He's taken me on loads of dates, we've been in constant contact. When I wasn't with him he told me how much he missed me. Monday the 30th December we had a four hour lunch date which was perfect. We laughed the whole time. He had invited me to spend christmas next year with his family at their holiday home in France. We talked babies. Now I get 'we want different things'. I feel so hurt. I'd also like to know how op got on. Men are shit aren't they. Even the ones you think won't be. :-( Feel really sad right now.

solosolong Sat 04-Jan-14 23:57:29

Me too! And yes, they really are shit. It took me so long after my last break up to trust someone, and I think I picked the wrong person - again!
After spending a year together - during which he was constantly asking me to marry him - he is now staying with his ex and telling me to forget about him. I know it's not good to keep trying to understand it, but it's so hard when it all seems so sudden.
Sending a big hug!

wildwest Sun 05-Jan-14 00:10:51

Big hug back.

I have no clue as to the sudden change of heart but what I do know (from my split with my xh) is that with men - you never get the answers anyway. I don't think there is such a thing as 'closure'. You have to move on without the answers you want. So crappy.

I'm not sure I'll be able to trust again. This one has really flawed me. I thought this was 'my guy'. X

solosolong Sun 05-Jan-14 00:16:18

Me too. I really thought he was the one, after all these years of waiting.

I agree. Often there are no answers, or none which make any sense.

I feel exactly the same. I trusted this one against my better judgement and after years of feeling deeply cynical. I feel like he persuaded me to fall in love with him. He went on and on about how I hadn't been treated properly in the past, and should learn to trust again - and then completely betrayed me.

Nope. I won't be trusting anyone else in a hurry.

saidthecattothemouse Sun 05-Jan-14 00:16:48

Be very kind to yourself
Avoid watching or reading sad things
Keep up with your friends
Avoid contact woth ex or his friends
Feel free to cry as much as you want.
drink wine and eat chocolate
have long baths

Grumpasaurus Sun 05-Jan-14 00:18:12

Broken hearts are just the worst things, aren't they?

My advice would be to remember as often as possible that you won't feel like this forever and you will start to recover over time!

In the mean while, surround yourself with friends and family who make you laugh, force yourself to do things you enjoy, and try to remember that you were once fulfilled and happy before him and you will be those things again after him!

duckandcover Sun 05-Jan-14 00:21:55

Hello again! I'm so touched that you've thought of me, folks...but so sorry you're feeling it too. Still in touch with this man - but realising slowly that whatever lovely magic was there has gone :-( we had such a wonderful friendship for so long, but maybe that is how it should have stayed. I have the vague feeling that he perhaps wanted me for longer than I knew and that's what kept our contact going rather than real feeling. Today has been know days when everything just feels bleak? I've just cried at The 40 Year-old Virgin for God's sake! Not drinking in January is another challenge, all I want to do is get a good night's sleep, but I really need to work at this. I was initially asking for a magic bullet, I think, but I know this is childish. Cannot get over how everything looks and feels strange though, not how it looked three weeks ago when we were 'in love.' I have to admit: there is a large age gap and part of it going wrong was my falling apart in front of all these sophisticated 50-somethings and feeling like a bloody dumpy mistress :-(

duckandcover Sun 05-Jan-14 00:23:31

Should have said: thank you for advice. It's all the sane stuff I should be telling myself but can't - so thank you.

solosolong Sun 05-Jan-14 00:30:49

Oh yes, that magic bullet would be great!!
Don't blame yourself Duckandcover, I think that in the end if something is going to go wrong it will do, one way or the other.
I can be absolutely fine and then just fall apart at something insignificant. And I know exactly what you mean about things feeling strange - I keep having to check myself, because it just feels like a nightmare, and I am going to wake up and it will all be ok - and then other times I can't believe that we were ever together in the first place.
Good advice, Grumpasaurus and Saidthecat
Thanks, everyone it feels better just knowing I'm not the only one...

duckandcover Sun 05-Jan-14 00:37:13

solo I'm so sorry - the landscape certainly changes suddenly doesn't it? And of course your point about inevitability is true: so it happened now? It wd always have happened at some point. Must stop telling myself that he is lovely too, I only knew him as a lover for two months, and he hasn't proved lovely in that role :-(

solosolong Sun 05-Jan-14 00:42:30

Yes, so suddenly. The thing is he must be lovely otherwise you wouldn't have fallen in love with him, but that doesn't mean that he is capable of making you happy, or that being lovely is enough.
The thing is we all know this stuff - but it is one thing telling someone else and another being able to use it to make yourself feel any better!
All the what ifs and if onlys are really hard though.

sparklysilversequins Sun 05-Jan-14 00:54:32

This is my heartbreak time line:

First three days - horrendous, can barely get out of bed, can't tell anyone without bursting into tears.

After three days a smidgen better, but only a smidgen.

Two weeks - still feels horrendous but you've accepted it.

Six weeks - you're kind of getting there - feeling relatively normal, but if you heard from him or about him you'd be utterly crushed.

6 months - 2 years depending on length of relationship, you may feel ready to start dating again.

I've been married twice and lived with two others and this is roughly how it's gone. Obviously it's extended if its all messy and you have to stay living with them while finances etc are sorted.

No contact of any kind is the only way to speed up the process as hard as it feels initially.

Twinklestein Sun 05-Jan-14 01:00:16

Some people are lovely as friends but awful as lovers...

solosolong Sun 05-Jan-14 01:08:00

Sparkly, I fear you're right. I'm still in the not-accepting phase where it's not clear if it's finally over. I think in my heart I know it is, and I should probably be the one to walk away, as he is just keeping me dangling on a string at the moment. Also, I know that your time-line won't even start properly until one of us finally ends it. At the moment, the first horrendous phase is just being strung out...

I can't help feeling I should know better by now. You imagine these things should get easier as you get older (and possibly wiser) but actually it seems worse...

sparklysilversequins Sun 05-Jan-14 01:13:16

They do get worse I agree.

I had a relationship a year or two after my second marriage ended and he dumped me, but some reason it affected me horribly, utterly heart broken. Foolishly at the six week point I drunk texted him and ended up meeting up <<ahem>>. It was still over though but by doing that I had put myself right back at the start.

Get that time line started lady! wink

solosolong Sun 05-Jan-14 01:22:33

I know you are right. I know what I need to do, but I just don't seem to be strong enough to do it. I can't face it finally being over, even though I know it is. I do know that I will feel better eventually, but right now I just feel so sad and so bloody tired.
Maybe tomorrow - if I manage to get some sleep - I'll feel a bit better...
Thanks for the kick up the arse though. I know you're right really!

wildwest Sun 05-Jan-14 01:46:22

I know what you mean about not facing the fact that it is over. I'm the same. Maybe that's what we need to do though - accept it. That way we can at least start moving on. Bed for me too!

solosolong Sun 05-Jan-14 01:49:25

I actually wish he would just end it properly now. I don't think he is strong enough though, so I guess I need to find some strength from somewhere. Hope you can too. Sleep well!

wildwest Sun 05-Jan-14 02:33:08

I've just officially ended it. Told him I won't be in contact again. And after no reply - I've deleted everything - deleted him off facebook, his emails, his text messages, his phone number. Will be staying away from places I know he'll be. I don't want to hang around in Limbo over a guy who clearly thinks I'm not worth it. I'm done. And feeling good about it. Silly man. Definitely lights out for me now. x

solosolong Sun 05-Jan-14 11:44:24

Well done, Wildwest. I am trying hard to find the strength to do the same. It's so hard though. I would feel much better if I could do it face to face but that doesn't seem possible as he's too far away. Hope you're feeling OK today. I will try to feel stronger so I can do the same thing.

duckandcover Sun 05-Jan-14 17:24:59

wild well done. I'm seeing 'mine' on Friday so I guess that's my big chance to see a) if it really has died a death and b) have the bravery to make that day one of the timeline of recovery. I've been a classic case of heartbreak today, wafting around an art gallery looking for sad stories and thinking of cards I would buy him and things I would write. I had so much more love for him if he wanted it. And it's shaped for him so won't fit anyone else. Plenty to focus on next week though so will do my damnedest to forget until Friday. How are you both west and solo ?

solosolong Sun 05-Jan-14 20:42:12

Duck, that's such a lovely turn of phrase about your love being shaped for him. I hope he knows what he will be missing. Silly man!
I do hope that Friday will go well for you and at least give you some clarity to move forward if nothing else.
Yes, busy week for me too - forgetting is good, but then sometimes you need to wallow as well. Sounds like that was what you were doing today.
I am calmer today - last night was a bit of a low point and I got in rather a panic about it all. Today I have been in a much better frame of mind. I got a lovely email from 'mine' - probably not helpful as it doesn't resolve anything really, but it means that there is still some hope. If we can talk tomorrow maybe we can make some progress.
It is so hard to know when to carry on hoping and when to give up....
Let's hope we can both work that out this week at least.

iamonthepursuitofhappiness Sun 05-Jan-14 22:56:18

I have had my heart broken this year too. How to Heal a Broken Heart is a good book to put things into perspective.

Try and keep busy, my house has never been so clean or organised....

solosolong Mon 06-Jan-14 01:06:48

Good advice. I did a bit of DIY myself today - just a few small jobs that I had been waiting for 'him' to do. It did make me feel better.

duckandcover Mon 06-Jan-14 20:00:27

Good for you solo - I had was on a totally engrossing course today so the pain has been at bay. Also started watching Breaking Bad - odd therapy but it's so absorbing it works!

solosolong Mon 06-Jan-14 21:15:51

Sounds good. I could have done with something to take my mind off things too. Unfortunately, I woke up with a stinking cold, which was the last thing I needed, so have been feeling a bit sorry for myself whilst trying to prepare for a big meeting tomorrow. Bit of a crappy day, but hopefully the week will get better. Onwards and upwards...

solosolong Fri 10-Jan-14 23:05:19

Duck, just wondering if you are out there and if you met 'him' today as planned - if so, how was it?

WhoGivesAMonkey Fri 10-Jan-14 23:31:58

What happened OP? <hopeful>

CarolinePerch Sat 11-Jan-14 09:36:14

I'm in my 50s. About this time last year my partner of five years dumped me - came out of almost nowhere. I had some really tough stuff going on at the time and the timing and way he did it was unkind, unnecessary and disrespectful, but he was a good decent person who just didn't have the guts to end it properly.

But a year on I am so glad he is not in my life - yes I miss having a man to fix stuff and of course the sex, but I don't miss him.

At the time of the dumping I kept busy and kept my dignity - didn't chase, went NC, discussed with a good friend what a tosser he was and I'm so glad I did. After perhaps 3 months I can honestly say he no longer mattered. And actually after a month or so I was fairly okay.

Onwards and upwards. Plenty more of em about.

duckandcover Thu 16-Jan-14 18:19:21

solo and monkey - thank you for remembering. I'm so sorry not to post earlier. It looks like in my case there's a lot of hope and the chance of a future, which has totally amazed me. So - scarily - I've realised that I'm so in love that I've never been so much in love, that I need to trust when he tells me, with no drama or game-playing, that he loves me too. It could happen any time of course - the end - but for now I've got to knuckle down to the reality of love! A d calm down with the am-drams...yikes! How are you, ladies?

Allofaflumble Thu 16-Jan-14 18:35:37

Wow duck....looks like you may get a happy ending?

Until recently I was in a relationship which lasted seven years. In the first couple of years I was very keen and hoped we might marry one day. He was a bit of a drifter and because I didn't want to come across as desperate I ended up drifting along with him too. We did not live together.

In the end we were more like sister and brother and I had to end it as I still would like to remarry one day and he just was not keen on marriage, says he does not believe in it.

I went through loads of emotions, anger, grief (one day I thought my heart would break) but we met for one last time to say goodbye properly. We were a bit of a mismatch especially in the mind dept.

Funny thing is I feel like the whole thing never happened! It is like I am back to where I was before I met him, unfortunately a lot older, but I feel so calm and in a really good place.

I would say it has been about eight weeks in all. Maybe a bit easier as I put a stop to it, but it has hurt that he accepted it so easily too!

duckandcover Fri 17-Jan-14 13:18:51

flumble sounds like you've really held it together - I guess it's the knowledge that people live through heartbreak that gives us poor lovesick fools the confidence to dive in head-first. There is no guarantee that I won't be here again in a month, a week, an hour - but I know I have to try because I love him and I can see a life with him. That possibility is worth it...I think!

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