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One night stand

(106 Posts)
bedhead2008 Tue 17-Dec-13 20:44:59

Had my first one night stand on Friday with a colleague. I had never really spoken to him before Friday, although I had noticed him (he is very, very good looking!!).

I am now incredibly embarrassed as I was very drunk and the sex was, well, awkward! I woke up in the early hours and left, he was asleep.

As I knew I would have to see him in work, I sent him a friendly email apologising for my behaviour and checking it wouldn't be awkward on Monday. He was friendly, said I should have stayed and he would have taken me home, told me not to be silly that it wouldn't be awkward.

Well it has been very awkward. He can't even look at me. I know he is single. I don't know what to do now? I now feel like I like him, but I'm not sure if this is normal after a one night stand? I feel so shit about the awkwardness as I'd hoped we could be friendly/I could gage if things could go further.

How should I handle this? What should I do? He is changing departments soon and I will not be seeing as much of him after next week.

cantthinkofagoodone Tue 17-Dec-13 20:52:01

So if you would like to progress things, you've given the wrong impression by leaving in the middle of the night. I would wait for him to move department and then ask him out for a drink.

bedhead2008 Tue 17-Dec-13 20:53:04

He will still be around my department one day a week and I feel so scared about being forward. I am not very confident and the awkwardness of him saying no would be too much. What should I do?!

EQ2Junkie Tue 17-Dec-13 20:53:30

How about suggesting you go for a drink after he changes department?

Twinklestein Tue 17-Dec-13 20:54:48

Leaving in the early hours isn't exactly a confidence boost!

Between that & the awkward sex, I'm not surprised he can't look at you.

I would be mature & just go and talk to him confidently in a relaxed way, that will diffuse the embarrassment. And it will also get you talking if that's what you want...

Twinklestein Tue 17-Dec-13 20:55:36

xpost - you can fake confidence though - just act.

bedhead2008 Tue 17-Dec-13 20:57:46

What if he said no?! I feel like he's waaay out of my league. If he liked me, surely he would have made more conversation in the emails I sent him the next day?

rpitchfo Tue 17-Dec-13 20:59:14

well you left in the middle of the night i think that puts the onus on you to make the first move if you like him.

I'd be gutted if someone left before i woke up.

bedhead2008 Tue 17-Dec-13 20:59:33

This sounds like a stupid question but I am not used to one night stand etiquette! Why was it bad to leave before he woke?

Vivacia Tue 17-Dec-13 21:01:22

Leaving early makes out you couldn't wait to escape.

Vivacia Tue 17-Dec-13 21:01:48

But I'm not familiar with one night stand etiquette, I'm just making an assumption.

MadBusLady Tue 17-Dec-13 21:02:25

Well, it just implies you massively regret the decision to go home with them in the first place. Think about how you'd feel if you woke up to that?

I'd be gutted too. I'm not surprised he can't look at you. Sounds like a nice email he sent, considering.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Tue 17-Dec-13 21:02:51

the same reason it's bad to leave halfway through a dinner party, or half way through a weekend away...because the host thinks it reflects on them and you look like you haven't enjoyed it.

What's the worst that can happen - ask him out for a coffee and drink and say you're a bit blush and take it from there. You'll find out how he views it.

bedhead2008 Tue 17-Dec-13 21:03:22

Oh god, it was only because I was so embarrassed. I had taken off all my clothes and I looked awful (self-conscious of my body and could not believe I had let such a gorgeous man see my body!).

Is there a more subtle way to find out his feelings other than asking him for a drink?!

bedhead2008 Tue 17-Dec-13 21:04:12

Plus I was still drunk!

LineRunner Tue 17-Dec-13 21:04:29

How many emails did you send him the next day?

EQ2Junkie Tue 17-Dec-13 21:04:58

Be brave, just ask.

MadBusLady Tue 17-Dec-13 21:07:08

I think the time for subtle has now passed, really. Be honest, say you messed up with leaving early, it was nerves, you'd like to try that again but more calmly and with a clothes-on having-a-drink bit first. If he's a decent bloke (which he sounds from what little we have) he'll either say yes, or he'll say no nicely. No shame in that.

Vivacia Tue 17-Dec-13 21:07:12

Best just not say anything then and get over it.

bedhead2008 Tue 17-Dec-13 21:08:49

This is the conversation

Me: Hey, sorry about last night I’m so embarrassed! Hope everything is ok and work won’t be too awkward on Monday?!

Him: Hey! Don't be daft, I'm sorry as well! Too much alcohol flying around I think! Nah don't worry it won't be awkward. Was going to message you anyway to make sure you got home okay! You should have waited until the morning and I would have taken you home

Me: I have no memory of getting home, a brief flashback of getting lost in the hotel god knows how long it took me to get out! I saw your text to my friend saying I'd followed you and was so embarrassed haha.

Him: Never thought of that! I got lost in there when I was sober! Haha don't be silly. I vaguely remember having to hold you up when you were walking but most of it is a blur!

Me: Well going by the cut on my knee I would say you didn't do a very good job! Don't suppose you noticed if I left my keys there? Can't find them anywhere!

Him: Well I was trying to hold myself up as well! Haha I didn't see them sorry and I had a good look at the end to check I hadnt lost any money!

MadBusLady Tue 17-Dec-13 21:09:40

BTW I think awkward sex is par for the course if you're both rat-arsed. This is why it's a good idea to have a lot of soft drinks if that's what you have in mind fwink

Casmama Tue 17-Dec-13 21:11:41

I think by apologising for your behaviour you may have given the impression that you regret it. This will only compound the impression given by leaving during the night.

Now you decide you like him?

Tbh if it was a drunken ONS then it shouldn't really have been awkward - I think you need to write this one off.

ONSs don't often lead to relationships (my dh did though blush ) so maybe worth holding off a little longer if you would like to see someone again.

LineRunner Tue 17-Dec-13 21:11:44

I think he likes you. That is a comfortable email conversation.

MadBusLady Tue 17-Dec-13 21:12:04

x-post, well that sounds like he's happy to write it off as a drunken incident, or is acting that way at least. So your choices are still, forget it, or grit your teeth and ask him out in case he's being defensive.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Tue 17-Dec-13 21:17:08

I think the issue is, neither of you are clear what you're sorry about - the sex, the drunkenness or the midnight flit.

it's a very british dilemma - how do i find out if the man I shagged likes me without asking him directly?

but I am inclined to agree with MadBusLady.

bedhead2008 Tue 17-Dec-13 21:17:56

God I feel like I am 16 again. I feel like I need to ask him out, it's just working myself up to it. I really like him and am gutted I have given the impression otherwise!

bedhead2008 Tue 17-Dec-13 21:18:50

I was apologising for my drunkenness!

My assesment of that would be that you are on the cusp and you still have choices.

I used to be the QUEEN of 'oh god sorry, I didn't mean it, how embarrassing' when I actually I did mean it, but was so scared of rejection that I had to get in their first. I am now happily married but I do regret some of the missed opportunities that probably would have been had I not been so quick to shoot myself in the foot.

The messages seem friendly/open/approachable and I think the longer you leave it, the harder it will be to go 'back there', so I would strike whilst there is still some momentum/frisson along the lines of "shall we go for a drink and start over"?

He can only say no! And I don't think he will.

Good luck!

bedhead2008 Tue 17-Dec-13 21:20:51

Eeek, if I didn't work with him I would do it happily, it's the fact that I will have to face him and potentially work closely with him in the future that is stopping me!

Norland Tue 17-Dec-13 21:21:49

What with leaving him in the middle of the night, then your exes from 1-year and 2-years ago (who presumably crossed over, based on your posts in August and November) do you think you have commitment fears?

If you did that to me, I'd assume one of the following:

- you though I was crap in bed
- you'd-sobered-up-and-didn't-fancy-me-after-all during the night
- had commitment issues
-were an indecisive person

If I knew from work colleagues you made a habit of picking up/hanging around with exes, I'd probably go for the last two items above.

If the man has a sense of humour, you could try something along the lines of '....well, sorry I had to rush off but those early morning appointments (to collect child/walk dog/kiss milkman) just have to be kept; think you could do a better job sober?...' said with a smile...but only if you know he'd find this funny.

You could try the guilt one '...so, am I a notch in the company knocking-ladder?...'

The easiest one, based on your saying you're non too confident of asking him, would be to simply say to him, 'any chance I can buy you a coffe outside of work and have a chat about what happened?..'

If he's a decent sort, he should say yes to any of the above but the last one should be nigh on impossible for any man to refuse. I would respond positivelyto any of the above but your colleague's mileage might vary. And if you do, better have a good reason for him waking up alone, all ready to trot out.

cantthinkofagoodone Tue 17-Dec-13 21:22:08

From the convo I reckon you're on for a drink

bedhead2008 Tue 17-Dec-13 21:37:19

I like the sound of saying "aany chance I can buy you a coffe outside of work and have a chat about what happened?..".

I felt the conversation was pretty one sided, he asked no questions so it was quite closed!

bedhead2008 Tue 17-Dec-13 21:45:30

Norland - that was the same ex. But colleague knows nothing about my relationship status!

Norland Tue 17-Dec-13 21:51:34

The same ex? You said in one thread it was a 6-month relationship, your other thread said it was a 12-month relationship?

Don't invite him for coffee to chat about what happened! Excruciating. Just ask him for coffee!

Norland Tue 17-Dec-13 22:08:28

Don't just ask him for coffee. You'll both expect to talk about what happened but you left; he'll be waiting for you to start. You're too embarassed to ask, so you'll end up drinking and talking about work. Be clear when you ask him and give him an opening to talk when you're having the coffee

MadBusLady Tue 17-Dec-13 22:12:36

I agree with Eirikur fgrin

bedhead2008 Tue 17-Dec-13 22:14:55

Norland, I haven't gone back to the threads so aren't sure which ones they are but it was 6 months 'officially' but we were sleeping together for 12.

Ok so we are agreed that by that thread of messages I should be in with a chance?!

MadBusLady Tue 17-Dec-13 22:24:33

Well, I'm not saying anything of the sort. He has definitely built himself an exit. But there is always a chance that he's done that because you've so comprehensively made it look like you regret the whole thing. So if you want to see if there's a chance, I reckon you've got no option but to be honest and take it on the chin if it goes wrong...

MadBusLady Tue 17-Dec-13 22:26:45

I do think he sounds like a nice bloke though, and will be considerate whatever.

GimmeDaBoobehz Tue 17-Dec-13 22:26:47

Go for it. smile

Casmama Tue 17-Dec-13 22:34:12

Do t mean to be a killjoy but you messaging and him saying he was planning to so it wouldn't be awkward sounds like both of you are wanting to put it behind you. He is also not looking you in the eye.

I'm sorry but I don't think he is interested. I would take it very gently if you are keen to with just a bit of small talk to suss whether he is interested before asking him for coffee or anything else.

bedhead2008 Tue 17-Dec-13 22:39:17

I read it as he was going to message to make sure I had gotten home ok?

This is so confusing!

Casmama Tue 17-Dec-13 22:48:36

Look it's only my opinion and others clearly disagree with me but you say he is very very good looking.
IME very good looking men tend to have lots of experience with women and they tend to be pretty good at getting what they want. Therefore I would assume that if he wanted a repetition he would be pursuing you.

He seems to be not only not pursuing you but actually avoiding eye contact. I don't say this to make you feel bad because you have no reason too but I don't see a future in this.

Casmama Tue 17-Dec-13 22:50:18

When you say the conversation was pretty one-sided and he asked no questions - which conversation was this?

FluffyJumper Tue 17-Dec-13 22:51:21

I really get the impression that you think he's out of your league. If that's the case then you probably won't be comfortable going out with him anyway.

I have been out with someone who was loads more attractive than me, and it only worked because I somehow felt stunning when I was with him, and in no doubt that he fancied me like mad.

I think his replies to you sound very friendly and perfectly judged, so at least you haven't accidentally got off with a prat! It can happen when you're in that state.

I would just try and keep it friendly - 'would you like to go for a coffee' might sound a bit contrived if you're still cringing inside and lack confidence generally.

If it feels natural in general conversation to ask him out then do it, but don't over analyse every conversation and try to shoehorn it in.

bedhead2008 Tue 17-Dec-13 23:00:51

The conversation I posted on previous page.

I have pretty low self-esteem tbh and friends (who are brutally honest!) tell me he is not out of my league. No I'm pleased he's not a prat, he seems lovely. We work in the caring profession and I know he is very compassionate.

Casmama Tue 17-Dec-13 23:12:21

Sorry I see what you mean. He is friendly in his replies but doesn't seem to be trying to lead the conversation anywhere which could indicate that he just sees it as a ONS.

I agree he doesn't sound like a prat at all but he doesn't seem to be trying to maintain friendly terms which shouldn't be that difficult- a smile and a hello rather than avoiding eye contact.

If I was you I would start with the smile and hello and judge from there whether he is showing interest or politely distant

FluffyJumper Tue 17-Dec-13 23:16:01

Yes, just focus on smiling and saying hello.

bedhead2008 Tue 17-Dec-13 23:16:16

Ok, I will try that tomorrow. It sounds ridiculous but even smiling at him terrifies me atm. I am kicking myself for running off at 5am! Really truly kicking myself. I could have ended things before they even begun!

ALittleStranger Tue 17-Dec-13 23:17:06

For future reference, it is incredibly rude to leave before the other person has woken up. That has never happened to me, or anyone I know in fact, and I would be mortified if it did. Combined with you seeming to apologise for even having sex and over-emphasising your drunkenness, I think you've given a pretty stong steer that you regard it as a mistake.

bedhead2008 Tue 17-Dec-13 23:21:00

I realise that now looking back. I was still pretty drunk when I left! I honestly do not know what was going through my mind. Just need a plan to try unravel this.

FluffyJumper Tue 17-Dec-13 23:22:24

If smiling at him terrifies you then you definitely need to start with that rather than asking him out.

I too have never left before the morning, and nor has anyone done it to me. But I don't think it's crime of the century, especially given he was pretty gracious about it in his e mails. Seriously, it could be much worse! grin

CarryOnDancing Tue 17-Dec-13 23:23:56

What I would consider to be very attractive would be the complete opposite of some of my friends and vice versa so I wouldn't worry about viewing him with the stereotype of he can get who he wants and isn't falling over himself to get to you.

His ego would still be hurt or be in question with you leaving in the middle of the night-and flashbacks of awkwardness!
I wouldn't try and second guess. He's replied more than once in a friendly way so the door is still open.

If I wanted to see him again I'd probably suggest a bar rather than coffee as there's less emphasis on the need to discuss "the event". If there's chemistry then you don't need to discuss it-unless to joke and flirt about it.

So I'd probably say something like "maybe you'd fancy going out for more drinks and we can try and fit a few waters in there this time? I've heard conversation is also an interesting pastime?!"

You should go for it though. It can't get any more awkward really can it?! If he's not looking at you, he's hardly going to discuss any messages you send with anyone.

tiamariaxxx Tue 17-Dec-13 23:24:50

Ahh sorry no experience of this, the only 1 nighter ive had ended up my husband lol.

saysomethinganything Tue 17-Dec-13 23:28:43

What was the text you said about that he said you'd followed him?

FluffyJumper Tue 17-Dec-13 23:28:55

That's right, it's perfectly natural to be wondering if you might go out since sleeping with someone does often lead to that!

bedhead2008 Tue 17-Dec-13 23:30:49

My friend text asking him where I ad gone and he said I'd followed him and he was taking me to his to look after me. I have no memory of this whatsoever, I remember being in the hotel, passing out on his bed but woke up to him kissing me and then we had sex. Under a very bright light blush

Casmama Tue 17-Dec-13 23:35:03

Perhaps he is worried he took advantage- kissing a woman who has passed out on your bed is pretty questionable. I realise this then went on to consensual sex but combine that with you vanishing and apologising and seeming regretful this is pretty messy!

bedhead2008 Tue 17-Dec-13 23:36:38

Yes I think that has something to do with it. The few people in work who know are horrified (they saw the state I was in) and have been giving him awful looks. I wish they would stop, he had had a few as well.

Casmama Tue 17-Dec-13 23:39:53

This puts a whole different spin on things!

VanitasVanitatum Tue 17-Dec-13 23:40:35

If he likes you it won't matter whether you left or stayed. If you leaving at five am is enough to put him off then he's not that into you.

There's no shame in liking someone, however they feel. If you already feel awkward then you don't have much to lose anyway! Smile, say hi, ask him how his weekend was..

VanitasVanitatum Tue 17-Dec-13 23:41:32

Eek, cross post... Um, that doesn't sound like he acted very well?

Casmama Tue 17-Dec-13 23:42:01

I think in this case you need to speak to him directly about this- cards on the table.
How do people at work know you had sex- did you tell someone and now he is having people at work glare at him as some sort of sexual deviant?

MadBusLady Tue 17-Dec-13 23:42:23

confused

Ok, in that case I think I'd leave this one until everyone has calmed down, including you. All sounds a bit fraught.

bedhead2008 Tue 17-Dec-13 23:43:08

How do you mean Casmama?
No I can see how it doesn't but he had had a drink too and I had probably been giving him the glad eye most of the evening before I got ridiculously drunk, I find him very attractive.

Casmama Tue 17-Dec-13 23:43:35

Sorry that came across wrong- you are perfectly entitled to tell people but it doesn't tend to bode well for a relationship.

bedhead2008 Tue 17-Dec-13 23:44:34

x post. My friend who he said he was taking me back to the hotel to look after me realised what was happening. She told our 'group' of friends. They have been giving him 'looks' despite me asking them not to.

sparklysilversequins Tue 17-Dec-13 23:44:56

Yes the bright light thing isn't good wink, that wouldn't do anyone any favours, but try to think of it like this, he was pissed too and I can guarantee right now he will not have been looking judgementally at your body. Men just don't notice the things we think they do, they don't have the same meaning to them. Eg, I think I am flabby, my ex who was stunning and ten years younger than me told me I had the softest most beautiful skin and he meant it too, I could tell.

Personally I would not ask him out but I would be open and friendly and normal with him. If its there it's there and men, especially good looking ones don't tend to need to be nudged if they're interested ime.

Casmama Tue 17-Dec-13 23:45:31

Are you sure the sex was consensual- were you in a fit state to consent. I don't mean to upset you but it is not unknown for people who have been subjected to non-consensual sex to want to date the perpetrator as a way of normalising things. Sorry if I am off base.

bedhead2008 Tue 17-Dec-13 23:48:29

I really can't remember how it happened I just have flashbacks of seeing my body and thinking I looked awful! We had kissed earlier in the night before I was ridiculousy drunk. I'm not sure how I could judge if I was in a fit state to consent, I was the drunkest I have ever been I know that much.

MadBusLady Tue 17-Dec-13 23:50:50

Ok, I can understand why your friends are giving him disgusted looks.

FluffyJumper Tue 17-Dec-13 23:52:06

I think if you've had sex with someone at work who you fancy and you'd like to see them again, then that IMO would be consensual. Otherwise you'd never be allowed to have really drunken sex with someone new. It's not like I've done that loads, but god knows it shouldn't be banned.

TwoMinutesToMidnight Tue 17-Dec-13 23:52:21

Op he wouldnt have slept with you if he didn't find you attractive, don't be so tough on yourself!

MadBusLady Tue 17-Dec-13 23:56:06

Yeah, I've had drunken first-time sex, but not drunk like I can't consent, pass out on their bed and forget most of it.

At the very least, he has not behaved well.

I'm also now wondering if the leaving at 5am thing was a bit instinctive.

Casmama Tue 17-Dec-13 23:56:46

Fluffy that would be consent after the fact.
I agree drunken sex with someone new shouldn't be banned and am certainly not trying to make something out of nothing.

I am uncomfortable with OP saying she woke up to find him kissing her and then proceeded to have sex when she was the drunk east she had ever been.

bedhead2008 Tue 17-Dec-13 23:57:11

TwoMinutes I keep trying to tell myself that but part of me believes most men would take any opportunity.

MadBusLady Tue 17-Dec-13 23:59:16

Just to clarify here, OP, I'm not getting at you, you went to a party and got drunk, this is absolutely fine. If he was sober enough to make a move on you, he was sober enough to assess your state, and it doesn't sound to me like he assessed it correctly.

bedhead2008 Tue 17-Dec-13 23:59:46

Yes I was abhorrently drunk. And if I didn't find him so attractive, I suppose I would be upset if that makes sense? If it was someone else, I would be angry. But because I fancy him, I'm not. I don't knwo if that makes sense.

bedhead2008 Wed 18-Dec-13 00:01:01

His texts to my friend were coherent, they made sense. As opposed to mine sent that night which weren't even decode-able. Although I'm not sure that's a fair measure.

Casmama Wed 18-Dec-13 00:04:48

Yes it does make sense.
However, he has behaved badly. You didn't really know him before this, you have one night of his behaviour a few text messages and the fact he is now ignoring you to go on.
I'm not sure why you want to pursue this and wonder if in part it is to help erase the memories and replace them with better ones.

What do your friends think of this?

bedhead2008 Wed 18-Dec-13 00:07:16

They are angry, they are the ones giving him looks. He seems like such a lovely guy in all other aspects though, I may well have been the one to initiate what happened I can't remember!

Casmama Wed 18-Dec-13 00:09:09

How could you have initiated it when you were asleep though?
From what you have said you didn't really know him so how can you assume he is lovely?

MadBusLady Wed 18-Dec-13 00:09:11

It does make sense. It's just a bit of a grey area, it seems to me. So if I were you I'd hold off from any approach until you're totally sure you're ok with what happened.

Well, you're clearly not ok with bits of it, you clearly felt exposed and awkward. Don't necessarily assume this is all about your own body issues, or whatever.

A good ONS (since you say you've not had one before) might be a bit nerve-wracking but it's also supposed to be exciting and nice! Otherwise there doesn't seem to be much point.

bedhead2008 Wed 18-Dec-13 00:11:17

I woke up to him kissing me, I might have initiated it after that?
Because of the job he's in and from what I have seen on his facebook/the conversations I had with him before the other night, although brief. But I could be completely wrong, I don't know him really.

Casmama Wed 18-Dec-13 00:11:18

Good post MBL - I agree with everything you said. Give yourself some time bedhead.

beaglesaresweet Wed 18-Dec-13 00:12:02

they did kiss before OP got drunk though! it's not like he just decided to take her to his room just because she was drunk. He was also drunk.
OP, just ask him for a coffee and chat. I hope your friends know that you fancy him.

pegwin Wed 18-Dec-13 00:14:04

Ok. having had very drunken sex with a colleague after a work thing ....he was single, i was single, we were mates, seemed like a brilliant idea at the time. I wanted to give it another go, less drunk.

So we met up over a drink. i brought it up. he kb'd me the grounds it would be inappropriate because we work together.
And do you know ...it wasn't the worst thing that ever happened. i felt better for having got it off my chest rather than leaving it hanging as an unanswered question. it was less awkward and i got over it (then he later changed his mind but it was too late. Que serra..we are still mates)

So, i say just talk to.him. then at least you can stop wondering..the worst that can happens is you will be where you are now...not going out with him...and it might work.out.

(not sure about the kissing you while paraletic though but I have had Ons in a shocking state and ur was definitely my idea)

Casmama Wed 18-Dec-13 00:14:17

I realise that beagles but willingly kissing someone when sober does not imply consent to sex when shitfaced later hmm

beaglesaresweet Wed 18-Dec-13 00:30:49

Casmama, yes, but then we need to ask Op, did she want/plan sex with him when kissing (while still sober). I think also she needs this chat with him even to find out whether she initiated it, apart from following him to the hotel - which was an initiative too, and friend remembers this. Bear in mind he doesn't know her well, so he could have thought that she's following him deliberately, and that her level of drunkedness was normal to her?

rpitchfo Wed 18-Dec-13 01:14:19

I saw this coming a mile off...( I'll leave it at that )

Vivacia Wed 18-Dec-13 06:36:19

part of me believes most men would take any opportunity.

In my experience most men don't.

Vivacia Wed 18-Dec-13 06:37:26

What was the point in that post rpitch?

jojoanna Wed 18-Dec-13 07:08:05

I thought you should just say hi make small talk but I think the boundaries are a bit blurred now. Most men would not have Sex with a very drunken woman.
He now feels bad because all your friends are giving him dirty looks.
Maybe you should say how/why did we have sex when I was so drunk ??

Norland Wed 18-Dec-13 10:30:08

Maybe you should find out if any of your mates fancy him? If they all - as well as you, as you've pointed out may times - have the hots for him and he's picked you, those looks may be because they're pissed off at him for not choosing them over you. Do any of your mates, that's the ones giving him the looks, fancy him?

If I could precis my understanding:

- You knew a man at work, who you found attractive.
- At an 'office party' you and this man kissed, you were both fully compos.
- You then proceeded to get very drunk
- Fortunately you were not too drunk to walk and were able to follow him
- He then informed one of your friends you were with him
- You went to his hotel room
- In your drunken stupor, your memory is full of holes
- You recall awakening to him kissing you
- You then went on to engage, willingly, in coitus

These are the facts, as written by you, on a public message board and how I would imagine a solicitor laying them out in a court of law, if you follow the route some seem to be suggesting on this thread.

If I now summarise what I'm guessing you'd like:

- You fancy a man at work and ended up in bed with him?
- You still fancy said man and would rather like a repeat and perhaps other things, such as drinks/dinner/theatre/cinema/holidays?
- You're not quite sure how to go about engaging with said man to enter into a more meaningful relationship, due to the unfortunate ending of the last encounter?
- You have sought advice on how to engage with said man, by asking a bunch of strangers on an internet forum, how you should approach this?

I suppose you could read all the replies on this thread, then write a private message to those you think are helpful, asking the authors' of their personal circumstances/experiences and how they came to the conclusion to advise you in the way they have.

My advice; ask him out for that tea or coffee, as soon as possible, you may have a vey nice Christmas and do somewhat better in the gift department than you'd expected this year.

JingleMyBells Wed 18-Dec-13 11:47:24

I had an (ex) boyfriend who left in the middle of the night following sex and that was a huge blow. We finished soon after. imagine what a ONS would feel like? Certainly try asking him for a drink but as you arw aware it could be awkward if he says no. Good luck.

Vivacia Wed 18-Dec-13 12:47:15

I suppose you could read all the replies on this thread, then write a private message to those you think are helpful, asking the authors' of their personal circumstances/experiences and how they came to the conclusion to advise you in the way they have.

What are getting at Norland? Do you feel posters have a hidden agenda? I hope that doesn't sound confrontational, I'm not sure what your post means.

Norland Wed 18-Dec-13 13:24:04

Not a hidden agenda; we all make decisions based on our own, personal life experiences. Everybody judges (and we're likely all guilty of claiming not to judge at some time or other)

As such, if somebody had experience of such a thing happening to them, as described in the original post, then that would influence the advice that person proffered.

Therefore, I've tried to clarify my own advice, based on what I think the OP is looking for as an end result. I think the OP would like the end result to be a more meaningful relationship the last two paragraphs seem to imply as such I now feel like I like him, but I'm not sure if this is normal after a one night stand? I feel so shit about the awkwardness as I'd hoped we could be friendly/I could gage if things could go further
How should I handle this? What should I do? He is changing departments soon and I will not be seeing as much of him after next week to me reads:

'I like him, wish I'd not left him lying there, somebody tell me how to get this back on a normal footing...'

As such, my advice based on the tea/coffee '...would like to chat about the other night...' is based on that interpretation. Some of the other posts in this thread, suggest others have intrepreted the OP's wishes differently to me.

beaglesaresweet Wed 18-Dec-13 13:43:57

God, Norland, are you a lawyer? quite a few of us already advised that she suggests coffee and clarifies to him that she's embarassed about being drunk, not the rest of it (as he prob understood)! That will also make these friends to back off with their dirty looks, if they know you've settled things with him.

Vivacia Wed 18-Dec-13 13:48:04

Thanks for taking the time to reply Norland. I think it was probably a helpful contribution for the OP. I think it just read that you were saying other people's reading of the situation was wrong rather than different.

MadBusLady Wed 18-Dec-13 14:04:27

Well, I've never been raped, subjected to anything sexually non-consensual or had anyone take advantage, norland, if that's what you mean. I still know about those topics and will introduce them where I think they're relevant.

bedhead2008 Wed 18-Dec-13 19:31:28

Just back from work and read responses. I did not plan on having sex with him when we kissed. I would like to pursue something, I find him attractive, have seen his caring side and feel lucky that he wanted to sleep with me! I'm just not sure how to go about it because of the situation.

Twinklestein Wed 18-Dec-13 19:58:03

Just go and chat to him at work and see what develops. I wouldn't ask him out cold with no feedback that he's interested. And I would draw a line under the other night, there's no need for more post mortems...

riverboat Wed 18-Dec-13 20:59:42

I was in a similar situation many years back: awkward mutually drunken sex with a guy from work I actually liked and could have seen myself with. After I just felt so embarrassed about the whole thing I couldn't relax around him or talk to him normally any more, even though he was still nice to me. About a year later he got together with someone else (also from work! Different part of the company though) and now they are married with a whole brood of children.

I am really happy with my now DP, but looking back I do regret that I couldn't have found a way to sort of power through that awkward stage and try to make a go of things with this guy, just to see if we could have had something. I dont know about all these insinuations that he took advantage of you, but if you think he was as drunk as you and that wasnt the case, maybe you could just ask him ( via email?) if he'd want to go for a drink after work one day to confront any awkwardness, and take it from there. He sounds nice from his texts, I imagine he'd say yes.

Don't get too hung up on the awkwardness of the sex! I think its really common with two extremely drunken people especially who are already friends/colleagues! You can get over that, I think.

Rainbowjonesy Fri 20-Dec-13 20:35:13

This made me laugh as virtually the exact same thing happened to me a few months back. Work summer party, a few too many drinks and I ended up in my hotel room having a few drinks with a colleague from another office who I didn't know very well. He left to go back to his room but turned up again a few mins later saying he'd locked himself out of his room. Being totally naive (and very drunk!) I told him he could sleep in my bed. Passed out and woke up to him kissing me....and one thing led to another. He made a hasty exit in the morning and we avoided each other like the plague for quite a while. We have sent the occasional work related email since but have both avoided the subject of what happened that night. Luckily as we don't work in the same office I didn't have to face him until last weeks christmas party when he seemed to be there every time I turned round! Awkward to say the least and we still can't look at each other! Moral of the story.....don't shit where you eat! Best to keep professional and private life separate! I still cringe when I think about it! It cheered me up reading your story though - good to know I'm not the only person to disgrace myself at a work do!

Best of luck, whatever happens with him! Don't get too hung up on him though, it's too easy for us girls to fall for the men we sleep with!

Itstartshere Fri 20-Dec-13 21:07:00

Do you know if he used protection, if you were very drunk?

Are you on the pill?

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