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Threesome got complicated...

(82 Posts)
Honeybee88x Mon 16-Dec-13 01:31:42

Hi I am new to mumsnet. I have browsed the site many times before but never signed up but I just wanted some input about a current situation I have. I am sorry but this is going to be a long post and i am very grateful to anyone who reads it all and can help me...well i dont really know what i want from posting this i think i just want to get it all out of my head.

I will be 26 soon and have an amazing husband, who will be 28 soon and 2 kids, DD who is nearly 2.5 and DS who is 8 months.

I know that when some of you read the rest of my post you will probably think that I am lying to you or myself but My husband and I have a very good relationship we have been through alot together over the last 6 years of our relationship and we have so much respect and love for each other we talk about everything and dont really fight much. My husband has in the past been very ill and I have had to deal with the very real threat that he would be taken from me without either of us wanting that to happen and it has a way of making you appreciate each other.

My husband has always liked the idea of seeing me sleep with other men or having a threesome. we talked about this for along time and decided to make this fantasy a reality this summer. We researched this and all the sites said not to do it with someone you know as i more often than not getting complicated, but i wasnt comfortable doing it with someone I didnt know and trust so we eventually decided to ask my husbands best friend, he is 30 and single, he lives down south (we live in the East Midlands) so we dont see him all the time anyway. Ill call him D.

He agreed to experiment with us and we had alot of fun between june and august. but after having my little girl in 2011 i have been battling postnatal depression and i hit an all time low in the middle of august and after not being able to sleep for 36 hours i ran off not really thinking of what i was doing or where i was going i ended up closer to D than the East Midlands. as my husband needed to stay with our kids and i cant drive and i did not want to come home and cope with things D came to find me at the hotel i had booked myself into and after listening to me for a while he took me out to get something to eat and drove me around pointing out landmarks and we went to his house for a few minutes, we didnt stay long as his dad lives with him and didnt want to explain why i was there and my husband wasnt as this was also the first time i had been to his house (D finds it hard to get close to people so i think he wanted to get out of the hotel cos he didnt know what to say to me to make me feel better).

He took me back to the hotel and we ended up kissing and getting in the shower together until i said i had promised my husband that we wouldnt do anything sexual when he wasnt there and we stopped. D was very upset with himself for letting my husband down. as i said he is very closed off but he was visibly upset when he realised what he had done. my husband was understandly very upset and angry mainly for the fact that he felt D had took advantage of me when i was in such a vulnerable state.

my husband decided he needed some space away from him. D keep sending messages and a letter. and eventually my hubby let him back in, he is a very big part of our life our families see D as family and our kids love "uncle D" to bits and he loves them and my hubby didnt want to shut him off from all that and he missed his best friend.

we all agreed that things were getting to close and decided to stop the threesome.

my problem is that I was getting emotionally attached to D while having sex and we would cuddle afterwards sometimes for hours. I feel like i have now got to the point where i think i have fallen in love with him. i thought at first it was just because of the intimacy of the sex but it hasnt gone away. it is starting to hurt being around him and not being able to touch and kiss him. it hurts so badly to think he is going to be with someone else at some point and i cant and shouldnt do anything about it but it is still going to phsyically hurt to see someone else in his arms, kissing him and getting close to him. i am so confused it is hurting to feel this way and not being able to be with him.

but on the other hand when i look at this logically i know that i love my husband more than anything and he is my soul mate, he matches me perfectly, we have a good, close, intimate, respectful relationship and i know that if i left and had a relationship with D (thats if hed have me!) i wouldnt be happy as D has issues with intimacy and getting close to someone, he does somethings that annoy me so much and i just know that it would work for a while and then the relationship would go bad.

my husband and me have talked about all this. he knows everything about what i am thinking and feeling and he is so supportive and listens to me and tries to help me feel better but i am hurting because i know how much it must be hurting him to hear about my feelings for another man.

I have thought about this and the only way i can think of is like you broke up with someone (as thats what is feels like but worse as i shouldnt feel this way and cant really talk my feelings through with anyone) i am so confused i feel rejected and unwanted by him because he doesnt tell me he wants me or how he feels about me but my hubby always says to me that its not that he doesnt want me its just that he knows hes not allowed to show it.

but when you break uo with someone you distance yourself and have time to heel and dont usually see them again to bring up the feelings or not being wanted and you cut them off. i said to my husband i want to cut D off and have no contact so that we can deal with my feelings but he is resistant to the idea as he doesnt want to lose his best friend and doesnt want our families to question his absence as he is so ingrained in family events and have our children miss him.

I just dont know what to do anymore. i am still trying to get myself out of the black hole that opened up in august and this is another thing getting me down.

I think about D soooo much and imagine being with but i cant (and actually really dont want to ) but i cant make the feelings go away no matter how hard i try sad

antimatter Mon 16-Dec-13 01:49:26

I can only advise to look for sex/couples counselling.

I feel your dh wants to perhaps control you or maybe have more threesomes weith this friend in the future.

I have reported your post because you have mentioned your children by name and age. Not a good idea.

maras2 Mon 16-Dec-13 02:54:28

Me too.Poor kids.

Cerisier Mon 16-Dec-13 05:07:59

Don't act on your feelings if you want to save your marriage. Also step back and think carefully what you really want going on, don't go along with things to appease your DH as he sounds controlling from what you have said.

You are very young really and sound quite vulnerable. Please put your children and your mental health first before some fantasy of your DH's.

Annakin31 Mon 16-Dec-13 06:06:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Annakin31 Mon 16-Dec-13 06:13:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Annakin31 Mon 16-Dec-13 06:15:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

paxtecum Mon 16-Dec-13 06:25:29

Threesomes do often go wrong in this way.

These fantasies are best kept as just that.
Your DH has caused all this for wanting his fantasy to be a reality.
It is much harder for women to keep their emotions out of sex.

I think you need to concentrate on yourself and your family, the hurt will go away with time.

There would be a massive problem too if you got pregnant.

Like others have said, do not go along with your DHs suggestions in future.

Best wishes to you all.

paxtecum Mon 16-Dec-13 06:32:49

Reading your last paragraph I think your DH is a complete fool.
He is more worried about family wondering why D isn't around than your mental health.

He really isn't putting you first.

All this has happened because of his bloody dick.
Just having making love with the woman he loves wasn't enough, HE wanted to make it extra exciting and live out his fantasies and now you are in a complete mess and he's not helping.

If you want to talk to someone annonymously the Samaritan's are wonderful and they do not judge.

You will get some harsh comments on here.

Lazyjaney Mon 16-Dec-13 07:06:56

I don't believe anyone for real would name their kids. Reported.

paxtecum Mon 16-Dec-13 07:11:10

Maybe the OP has changed the DCs names?

MirandaWest Mon 16-Dec-13 07:18:26

On other forums I have used in the past it was common to give your children's names and ages - I don't feel this suggests anything untoward about the OP.

I don't know what to suggest - I do know that depression can make people act in different ways which aren't always rational. Or it could be that you and your husband aren't going to stay together. I don't think blame can be put totally on either side.

AuntieStella Mon 16-Dec-13 07:18:32

Your DH doesn't have to lose his best friend. He just sees him without you.

I think you need to work out what you want from this marriage, and relationships in general.

ArtVandelay Mon 16-Dec-13 07:53:05

Op, please report your post to MN HQ and get your post edited. Names, ages, locations etc. make it very easy to identify you. In future, please dont include these details, they are not umportant for the 'story' and could cause you and your family a lot of trouble and embarrassment.

Coconutty Mon 16-Dec-13 07:58:43

What a surprise that fucking your husband's 'bestie' hasn't ended well.

Coconutty Mon 16-Dec-13 08:00:17

And I am blaming your DH for that, what a stupid idea.

Wishfulmakeupping Mon 16-Dec-13 08:04:38

Reported for including the childrens names and ages -/which may or may not be real--

Your husband needs to support you in this if he wants things to recover between you. His reactions are very odd actually, in most cases where there is an other woman/man the hurt spouse cannot bear the idea of their partner seeing the object of their affection but he won't let you cut him off?
Also, if your kids are seeing enough of him to 'miss' him when he's not around they are probably seeing too much of him. My DS doesn't miss anyone apart from his parents. (And nursery staff since he went to school but that's different)
It's hardly surprising this has happened. You were mentally low and vulnerable and you started what is basically a triple relationship and now there is fallout. You and your husband have both been very naive and immature.

Santaspelvicfloor Mon 16-Dec-13 08:10:17

Wake up OP. You are living in the real world but appear to have not noticed. MN threads go viral across the internet and your whole family, school friends, other parents, teachers, neighbours will know you've been shagging D

Your blindness extends to other areas of your life. You're either naive stupid or an optimist?

Ledkr Mon 16-Dec-13 08:22:26

The only time your husband showed any concern for your feelings was when you and his friend broke his rules!
This is the result if our pornifued society where lines get blurred between fantasy and reality.
This is real life though my love and most people don't have threesomes or suchlike.
They are most definitely a head fuck especially when you are already mentally ill.
I'd also recommend some counselling.
You maybe projecting your feelings for "d" because you feel let down by your husband or it may just be because of the intimacy you have shared together which is ultimately what sex is really.
If your husband values your marriage then he would make sure you aren't around his mate for a bit but he also needs to grow up and stop trying to get his wife and friend to act out his sexual fantasy.
Are you getting treatment for your pnd

Meerka Mon 16-Dec-13 08:23:40

I'm afraid that you have limited options, none of them without pain.

1) go for with D. It will have huge effects on your DH and kids.

2) Cut off D.

3) Remain friends with D but nothing more

1) ... is going to cause a lot of trouble. It doenst take a genius to see what will happen. Plus D has intimacy issues 2). Is going to upset people but a lot less than 1). Can your husband see him alone, or is that not on the cards? Or can you arrange not to see him for a couple of years ? 3) Causes least waves but will be very hard emotionally. Maybe impossible, for a while.

I'm afraid you're simply going to have to put up with the feelings if you choose 3. If you choose 3 then you need to make sure you're never alone with him and always treat him coolly. I do think that you owe him an explanation for the sudden chilliness and then both of you have to keep to that distance. No option, no weakening. In the long run it'll get easier, but it'll take a long time.

I would say keep in mind that I .... imagine being with D but i cant (and actually really dont want to ). Your head is telling you something you should listen to, I think.

Its also very possible the strength of your feelings can come from the other stresses you're under atm. New baby, PND, the whole mess here. A 'way out' emotionallly can be that you reallly develop strong feelings for someone else, but it's more about your current situation than about them. Follow on those feelings and you'd be running away. Hence in this circumstance, I say listen to your head.

Peekska Mon 16-Dec-13 08:47:31

I think that both you and your DH have been incredibly stupid.
If I've read the post right, you both invited another man in your bed when your youngest DC was between 6-8 weeks old? What were you thinking?
Also agree that naming your children, and giving the other personal details on a thread like this is also incredibly naive and/or stupid.
All of that said,I don't expect we'll see OP again.

msvee Mon 16-Dec-13 08:51:35

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

TheHippyWhoWearsLippy Mon 16-Dec-13 09:16:08

How do you know it's a fake post.... some people really are this stupid!

msvee Mon 16-Dec-13 09:18:02

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

TheHippyWhoWearsLippy Mon 16-Dec-13 09:18:47

Sorry Op there is so much more I could say & not be critical but give real advice. No point because it's been reported (rightly so because of the details).

lottieandmia Mon 16-Dec-13 09:27:10

This is the problem with threesomes - they so often end up in a mess. I know of a couple who also invited a best male friend into their bed and relationship and the result was that the woman ended up leaving her DP for the best friend and living with him for years.

Anyone who values their relationship shouldn't mess with scenarios like this IMO because nobody knows how they are going to end up feeling and it is beyond your control. It isn't worth it however fun a fantasy you think it will be.

You need to stop contact with the friend entirely IMO. And your DH needs to accept that threesomes are a bad idea. Otherwise it will never work.

JulieJingleBellsMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 16-Dec-13 09:43:46

Hi,

Many thanks for those who have been in touch about this thread. We're just going to make a few tweaks to a couple of the posts.

MNHQ

Andy1964 Mon 16-Dec-13 09:44:10

Well, the majority of these posts arn't very helpful are they. They are just critisising the OP, her DH and their relationship which is clearly not what she has posted on here.

"My husband and I have a very good relationship we have been through alot together over the last 6 years of our relationship and we have so much respect and love for each other we talk about everything and dont really fight much. My husband has in the past been very ill and I have had to deal with the very real threat that he would be taken from me without either of us wanting that to happen and it has a way of making you appreciate each other."

The majority of you have also critisised her DH for being controlling and to blame for this.
There are clearly two people involved in this the OP often uses the 'We' word. They have also posted that as a couple they discussed this fantasy at great lengths. AS A COUPLE!

So, let me try to help OP.

Firstly, you committed the cardinal sin. Trying something like this with a friend. You were warned when you did your research.
It is more preferable to meet someone new and develop a friendship between the three of you. Granted this is not easy because there are some creep out there but it is worth investing the time, and it will take time.

You and your DH seem to have got over the initial hotel situation, you were quite vunerable and it seems your DH has forgiven his friend for taking advantage of you. He was very wrong to do this!

There is obviously something quite 'tight' between the three of you. But you need to see your relationship with your DH friend for what it is. Your a DW to a great DH and a Mum to two young DC. Your husbands friend in the bedroom department is there for just that and that only. Sex! Nothing more nothing less. Sure, you have to like and get on with him but at the end of the day it's sex!

I suggest you and your DH cool down with his friend for a few months, take stock of your relationship and try to forget your feelings for his friend. Like you said, he's not exactly your type having, like you said issues with intamacy.
Then after a few months your likely to see how silly these feelings are and you can gradually introduce him to your life again AS A FRIEND!
Do not carry on fun games with your DH friend.

You have all cocked up, you had some fun while it lasted but at the end of the day you have all learnt a lesson that you were warned about at the very begining.

Good luck

ccsays Mon 16-Dec-13 09:48:06

Sounds like you might be happier in an open/polyamourous relationship?

Just a thought.

coffeespoons Mon 16-Dec-13 09:53:12

It is a break-up. It sounded like you intended something like swinging, but ended up with more of a relationship. Some people do ha ve multiple committed relationships, it is not for everyone but it's called polyamory (http://www.morethantwo.com/) and if you look at polyamory resources you will find advice more easily on getting over a breakup when you have another partner. I've seen posts like this on www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/ I'm sure.

It sounds like your husband is good and that you two are communicating well and that the other guy isn't maybe ready for a relationship. You don't need to feel guilty about this - you have been open and ethical as far as I can see. It's tricky going from relationship to friend but it can be done - I advise a bit of space from one another first.

rainbowfeet Mon 16-Dec-13 09:58:44

Excuse the pun but could you not see this coming?!!.. If you were kissing & cuddling "D" that was making love not having wild threesome sex!!!! So you were making love with a man you were already close to & emotionally attached to at a time when your mind wasn't your own anyway! Inevitable you were going to fall... Total stupidity on all 3 of you!!!

If you want to save your marriage you must cut all contact with. "D" & get some help with your marriage! Stop playing silly games, your children deserve better!

Junebugjr Mon 16-Dec-13 10:17:36

It all sounds very teenage and dramatic. I really don't know how you have the mental and physical energy for all this drama with two young children and a bout of PND.
You know what you have to do, see your GP about your PND if you do have it, DH sees his bf on his own, and you find other things to do, other than all three of you being caught up in this mess of a situation. You do not mention how this is affecting you as a family including your kids, it all seems about you, how you are feeling, oh god the drama etc etc.

Honeybee88x Mon 16-Dec-13 14:07:12

I dont remember naming my children at all. I dont know if i used the right abbreviations for things.

I know that we did something stupid but we are only human and people make mistakes and we are paying the price.

I dont talk about how it will effect my kids as I dont want to leave my husband so i dont need to worry how it will effect them as nothing is going to change. i need to deal with my issues.

wish i hadnt posted now. i wanted some clarity and support and didnt really get that at all. i think if you actually knew us face to face you would think differently about this situation.

thank you very much to the people that actually try to give me some guidance i appreciate it.

I am currently trying to find, with my gp, a level of antidepressants that work and i have my first appointment with a counsellor tomorrow.

Annakin31 Mon 16-Dec-13 15:18:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Annakin31 Mon 16-Dec-13 15:18:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Annakin31 Mon 16-Dec-13 15:22:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MostWicked Mon 16-Dec-13 15:52:16

You had a threesome with your husband's best friend when you were clearly not emotionally stable, and it hasn't worked out well? That's hardly a surprise is it.
You can't have everything. I am amazed your DH has put up with this, but I'm amazed he wanted any of it in the first place. I think you owe it to your children to try to pick up the pieces of your marriage and put it back together. Don't see D again. Can you see how difficult it would be for your DC and their father, if you ran off with his best friend?

rumbelina Mon 16-Dec-13 16:04:09

You are getting a hard time here, OP. People are advising you to seek help for PND/saying you're not emotionally stable at the same time as beating you round the head for doing what you did. Maybe there is a link there, people!

Yes you have made a huge mistake but are now looking for support to find a way through it. Just make sure you now listen to the good advice on here. Remember what happened last time you ignored the advice!!

lottieandmia Mon 16-Dec-13 16:39:47

Yes it's absolutely true that if you're not in a good place mentally then you will make unwise decisions - I have been there myself during times when I was unwell. It isn't the OP's fault that she isn't well. But the op sounded like her husband had pressed the issue of a 3 some in the first place.

Junebugjr Mon 16-Dec-13 18:23:23

I think posters are taking issue with you, as you have very young children and your primary concerns seem to be your messy sexual/romantic life, and how you all feel about it.
It doesn't appear OP's DH has pushed her into the 3some at all, but he doesn't seem very supportive when you say you can not deal with seeing D for while.
Primarily, you need to carry on seeking help for your PND, it will get better smile and concentrate on your kids for a bit.

Branleuse Mon 16-Dec-13 18:44:02

I think your husband has got a nerve if hes making you feel bad for getting attached to someone that you were sleeping with because of his fantasies. Im not surprised youre in turmoil. A one off threesome with a stranger is one thing, as its sex, but how on earth would he expect you to just keep being fuck buddies with his best mate, without feelings developing. They always always ALWAYS do. Its one of the major issues with threesomes.

I wish I could advise you, but I think the horse has bolted.
I think you need to discuss whether he'd be interested in a fully open relationship, or to discuss polyamory, or whether he just wants to carry on controlling this situation with no thought to your emotional vulnerability, because it sounds like youre hurting here

NakedTigarCub Mon 16-Dec-13 19:17:29

So who is looking after the kids when all this is going on?

ccsays Mon 16-Dec-13 19:54:36

Won't somebody please think of the children?! hmm [clutches pearls]

FFS, she and her husband decided to do this at her husband's suggestion and it didn't work out. No, it wasn't the best idea but OP acknowledges that herself and came on to ask for support.

There's a lot of thinly veiled slut shaming going on in this thread.

something2say Mon 16-Dec-13 20:03:28

Yes I am surprised by the vitriol. There's a whole world out there and all sorts of things go on, good and bad and in between.

Dear op,

My advice is to forget D and get back to being a family. We all suffer at times. Let D slip away, let your husband see him alone, and you work on your marriage, your pnd and your two babies. You'll be alright x

mammadiggingdeep Mon 16-Dec-13 20:06:18

Op you did name your children and where you lived in the original post- not that that matters but its strange you say you don't remember it?!

Anyway, you are getting a bit of a hard time. Yes it was incredibly naive to try something like this with your husbands best mate. PND is horrendous, so I sympathise there.

I think you need to get your ad's sorted, perhaps have some individual counselling and think about whether you want to be with your h.

You need to go cold turkey on D. Forget him. Stop seeing him. Get back to being a family. And going cold turkey also includes stop talking about him! You are prolonging your own "drama".

NakedTigarCub Mon 16-Dec-13 20:56:33

You have a crush on someone. I would treat it no differently than if you were married and had a crush on a coworker.

I think you are using this bloke as a distraction cos your depressed with your family and life right now and thinking about him is easier than sorting your problems out.

If he lives so far away how can he be spending so much time at your home?

I think you need to put your foot down and lessen contact with D and tell your h you need this. Let your h go to d house instead.

Dont use this man to hide from your problems that have caused the PND. I really hope the counsiling works for you but you will only get out what you put in and dont waste the oppprtunity to heal and move forward in your life.

I personally think the threesome will harm you mental as right now you need to fouce on you not two other people.

I would also say look at your porn useage and what is a healthy relationship, there is always room for improvement.

Golddigger Mon 16-Dec-13 21:13:14

You need to concentrate on your husband. But that is the real problem isnt it?
He pressured you, you went along with it for his sake. It went wrong, perhpas not in quite the way that you or him envisaged.

But deep down, you are annoyed and angry and upset and hurt with your husband. Quite understandably.

D isnt really the issue. You may think it is, even your husband may think it is, but it isnt really.

It is how you feel about your husband that is the real issue.

NakedTigarCub Mon 16-Dec-13 21:19:20

It must knock your self.esteem that D doesnt fancy you and he just saw you as a fun fuck sad

MostWicked Mon 16-Dec-13 21:25:07

I think your husband has got a nerve if hes making you feel bad for getting attached to someone that you were sleeping with because of his fantasies. Im not surprised youre in turmoil. A one off threesome with a stranger is one thing, as its sex, but how on earth would he expect you to just keep being fuck buddies with his best mate, without feelings developing. They always always ALWAYS do. Its one of the major issues with threesomes.

She agreed to the threesome.
They both researched it and found that finding someone they didn't know would be the best idea.
SHE didn't want that. SHE wanted someone who they knew.
How is that her DH's fault? The husband she loved and appreciated so deeply, and nearly lost through illness, who is now being weighed up on a list of pros and cons against his best mate?

I suspect she already fancied his mate.

I don't think this is DH's fault.

I also think you sound incredibly selfish speaking to your dh about your feelings for his best friend and then having your dh reassure you that D cares about you???

Seriously, if you want to stay in your marriage perhaps you should stop using dh as a sounding board for your attraction to another man. And seek some counselling.

Golddigger Mon 16-Dec-13 21:37:11

Perhaps the op can tell us?

Honey. In your heart of hearts, did you want a threesome in the first place?
From what I am reading she never wanted it. She went along with it. Not the same thing at all.

and walter. Once she had the feelings, the best thing was for her to tell her husband. Trouble is, it hasnt quite worked.

Once she had the feelings, the best thing was for her to tell her husband

Yes I agree. But needing confirmation from her dh that the man they had a threesome with has feelings for her is not healthy for her, especially given her PND.

That's why I think she should stop speaking to her dh about it and start speaking to a professional who can help her process this.

Golddigger Mon 16-Dec-13 21:49:35

I agree that it is good that she is going to see a counsellor.

MostWicked Mon 16-Dec-13 22:12:02

* From what I am reading she never wanted it. She went along with it. Not the same thing at all.*

I don't see that at all. The threesomes happened over several months and she enjoyed them. She then left home and somehow ended up having a shower with this guy in à hotel room. Now she can't decide who she loves the most.
Doesn't sound like her arm was being twisted at any stage.

paxtecum Mon 16-Dec-13 22:16:27

I too think OP was presurised into the threesome, but I suppose that isn't the issue anymore.

I don't understand why people bother to write anything just to criticise the OP.
If you can't over helpful support it would be best not to write anything.

Op has PND and is vulnerable.
Kicking her is not being helpful.

paxtecum Mon 16-Dec-13 22:20:21

MostWicked:
Sometimes in a marriage, one partner does something reluctantly just to please the other partner.
Either to stop them asking and asking and asking, or because they want to please them.

I've been in such a marriage, with an over sexed, selfish DH who pushed and pushed boundaries.
It caused problems.

chchchchchangesusername Mon 16-Dec-13 22:23:13

Did your husband not find it odd when you would cuddle D sometimes for hours after the threesomes?

NettleTea Mon 16-Dec-13 22:36:32

I think she was pressurised, and went for someone she knew and trusted because she couldnt face a stranger.
I think she had PND while they were discussing it (and maybe it wasnt PND, perhaps it was stress of being pressurised into this) they must have been researching all through her pregnancy
She was only a few weeks into motherhood when it happened, a time when she should have been concentrating on bonding and being a mother - not some voyeuristic sex toy for the benefit of her husband. No surprise the PND came back bigger and harder.
I suspect hubby was too busy off on his own rocks off fantasy to bother to notice the prolonged cuddles, or to care.
I have a sneaky suspicion that his illness and potential 'being taken from us' has made OP reluctant to refuse him anything, and also hesitant to call the behaviour anything but perfect. We dont speak ill of the sick, do we? May be bang off the mark tho.
In my mind a perfect husband and father gets to the bottom of, and supports, his wifes PND, he doesnt involve her in stuff that you need to be really mentally strong for while she is emotionally and physically vulnerable.

You could be right though Nettle and if you are then that's a whole can of worms in itself.

If that is the case, OP, then I urge you to speak to someone even more!

Because, if your dh has taken advantage of your vulnerability to pressure you into something you didn't want to do, that's not ok and needs to be addressed.

MostWicked Mon 16-Dec-13 22:44:21

My husband has always liked the idea of seeing me sleep with other men or having a threesome. we talked about this for along time and decided to make this fantasy a reality this summer. We researched this and all the sites said not to do it with someone you know as i more often than not getting complicated, but i wasnt comfortable doing it with someone I didnt know and trust

Where is the persuasion? Where is the doubt? Where is the reluctance?
The OP hasn't suggested anywhere on this thread that she was in any way pressurised or coerced. These encounters happened several times, they must have taken some arranging. It would have been easy to have avoided repeat meetings - but she was enjoying them.

Her DH is supporting her while she decides who she wants. He doesn't sound like an abusive git to me. Not an innocent bystander, but not the guilty party either.
Willingly going along with something like this, you have to take responsibility for the outcomes.

I feel for the OP. She is young, vulnerable emotionally, and has been persuaded by her DH this could be 'fun'.

I do think it takes a particular mentality to engage in swinging, either with friends or strangers.

It demands a lot of emtional stability, and an element of detachment regarding the others, while a commitment to pleasure.

It doesn't suit all folk.

I think this is what has happened for OP. It seemed like fun, a way out of feeling miserable, safe because it was with her husband, but she was not 'safe' enough in herself at the time to prevent an emotional attachment.

What they both need to do, together is to ackowledge this did not work in this instance, they need to evaluate their committment to each other.

And to be honest, I think the DH needs to man up a bit and realise what a position he has put his wife and best friend in, and stop insisting everything carries on like normal.

That is fucked now.

Time to move on, in a way that causes the least damage to their primary relationship, if that is what matters to BOTH of them.

a couple of years of not seeing D won't kill them.

Indulging in psychodramas will, as will ignoring the DH's ignoring the severe emotional impact this has had on his already fragile wife.

I find it very telling that the OP says it was the other man who provided her with the cuddles and love after sex. Where was her husband in this? Surely this is his job?

We all fuck up in our relationships. Just depends on how badly, and how we deal with it afterwards that counts.

NettleTea Mon 16-Dec-13 22:53:52

The little thing was the fact that she suffered from PND after her daughter was born in 2011, and was still battling it while they were having these discussions.
would you not, as a loving husband, if you had these desires (not it was HIS idea, HIS fantasy and they talked about it for a long time, so to me that suggests she wasnt as keen, or it would have been quite a quick discussion) would you not send your wife off to the doctor, to get some counciling and put those thoughts on hold until she was better.

And if was 'still struggling' with PND and was now pregnant, why would you STILL be having this discussion, as it must be considered that the PND could be further exasperated by a second birth.

But truely, I just cannot get my head around the fact that only a few weeks after birth and these plans are being put into action. And within another few weeks the PND has been taken to another level.

But I am willing to admit that this could all be a figment of a cynical imagination

BrianTheMole Mon 16-Dec-13 22:54:50

I'm not sure why you thought you'd get support. You did this when you had a tiny baby at home - hardly the most sensible and level-headed of decisions - however clearly you are not well.

Really? Why shouldn't she get support on here? She's not posting on aibu hmm

Jesus, who dropped down from planet perfect?

Give the girl a break.

Naked, that is a shitty thing to say.

DropYourSword Mon 16-Dec-13 22:56:20

There's some really nasty, bitchy comments on this thread that really aren't necessary. OP had made a mistake and woould like some help to deal with it. There have been some very helpful posters on here, and some that are very gleefully kicking someone when they're down.

OP I think you were right to try and cut D out of your life...you've got a crush on him that you will get over in tune. But your DH needs to understand that, and support you. Very best of luck to you x

BrianTheMole Mon 16-Dec-13 23:02:25

Yeah, there really are some vicious people on here. I can only assume that there is something missing in their own lives when they jump on here to give a vulnerable person a cyber kicking, following each other like sheep. All because the op came on to relationships to ask for some help.

fifi669 Mon 16-Dec-13 23:12:00

I think your first mistake was choosing the best mate and the second was doing it over several months!

That said, now it's all said and done, if you want to save your marriage it's time to close ranks. Marriage is between two people and right now you're Prince Charles! Bin off D. It's time to prioritise.

Upcycled Mon 16-Dec-13 23:27:58

Did the husband participated or just watched?

upcycle, that is pretty prurient and unnecessary.

You wanna watch the video?

Did the husband participated or just watched?

Er...why do you need to know that??

Perv off elsewhere upcycled.

Or really rethink your posting style.

NakedTigarCub Mon 16-Dec-13 23:57:39

I have nothing agenst women having fun and being sexual or about swinging but this whole thing seems very unhealthy.

If it was D that had a crush on you, would your dh be happy to have him round you then?

Did you talk about what if's with your dh? What if I get pg? What if he falls in love with me? What bountries were put in place?

A threesome is just about sex not attachment or closeness, I dont think this was what you were after?

Hope the conuciling helps but its a long process and it hurts more before.it gets better. You need to be honest and open for it to work.

Upcycled Tue 17-Dec-13 00:09:13

I just wanted to understand the whole cuddling and kissing for hours thing, that is why I asked.

OP, I have no experience in threesomes but it seems weird that your husband would feel comfortable with you getting intimate with his best friend instead of a stranger and would not put your feelings first instead of his own feelings or his friend's feelings.

It seems to me that his affection is more directed at D than at you.

I might be spectacularly wrong, but sorry you asked for opinions.

Good lucky on your counselling and PND treatment.

Annakin31 Tue 17-Dec-13 05:12:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oblomov Tue 17-Dec-13 05:54:57

Christ on a bike. What a f**king mess.
OP?
I think you need to have a very hard long sob. And then re-read the thread and decide what to do first.

paxtecum Tue 17-Dec-13 06:32:01

Annakin: Yes dear. OP does realise that it was all a mistake and she is in a total mess. Did you not read it?

Maybe unlike you, some of us do understand because we have been there and done that!
Really, what is the point of telling OP that she has been stupid?

Oblomov: Why bother posting something so unhelpful?
Why not just read and run?

She didn't post on AIBU - have I been stupid?
She is living the consequences of her and her partner's decisions and is in a total mess.

paxtecum will you please stop telling people what they should and shouldn't be posting.

It's not your job to censor the thread.

BrianTheMole Tue 17-Dec-13 22:06:51

Don't think Paxtecum is telling people what to write. He / she is voicing an opinion just like everyone else smile

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