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My relationship (long sorry)

(638 Posts)
Packupyourtroubles Tue 10-Dec-13 19:15:45

Hi
I posted on chat about what I now know to be 'gaslighting' that my partner does. I was advised to start a thread in relationships.
Last night I was reading a thread and went to reply thinking 'how would I feel in this situation' then realised that actually I have been many times.

Since then it's like the floodgates have opened and I'm realising just how dysfunctional my relationship is.

I met my partner 6 years ago aged 17. He was my first love, etc.
when we first got together I was confident, sure of myself and my values, and knew what I would and would not stand for. Since then I feel I have lost every element of myself.

He is aggressive in words and actions. He has shaken me at times and once a few weeks ago slapped me. Most of the time he just punches objects- the dashboard in my car for example, so not hurting me.

He will always, after an argument say 'why did you make me say/do whatever'. I always end up apologising purely so I am not making him angry any more.

If there is something I don't like, for example he talks to lots of females, has stayed the night at their houses- he will say 'I don't have male friends, do you want me to have no friends'- and I will end up agreeing with him, or I make a point and he twists it so much I have no idea what I was trying to say in the first place.

He has cheated on me but I forgave him both times and he did seem to change his behaviour but now I'm realising he probably didn't.

He has sex with me knowing I don't want to, he is controlling and insists I see him every day and wants me to do sexual things I am not comfortable with. I have sort of given up saying no so I realise I am to blame for that.

I got pregnant a year ago and he insisted on me having an abortion. I wanted to keep the baby and know that before I was with him I would not have let anyone tell me what I could or could not do but I didn't question him.

Just for some background we don't live together as I look after my DNephew full time. I care for my partners mum but not full time. We have a joint account and loans but no mortgage etc.

There is probably more that I have left out. I am not sure what I am asking. I feel like I am to blame for a lot of this. I can't see a way out, I cannot imagine a life without him, and at the same time all I want is to be by myself. Since the first realisation last night it has all been pouring into my mind- memories I didn't know I had. I feel terrified but also as if my eyes have been opened- but I can't work out what's next.

Sorry for length

LoisPuddingLane Tue 10-Dec-13 19:19:07

He has hit you and shaken you, and has had sex with you against your will. For these reasons alone I would suggest you end the relationship. If someone gets violently angry with you, you are not to blame.

something2say Tue 10-Dec-13 19:22:08

This is quite serious sweetheart. Can you find a local DV service in your local borough? Google it.

Also google the wheel of control. It will show you a diagram of what Dom violence is. Range of behaviors designed to control you.

I think if you want to, you may need to think about leaving him. Do you think you could do that?

Also could you separate your monies? X

SoleSorceress Tue 10-Dec-13 19:28:06

Please leave him, PLEASE.....

This guy is an abusive good for nothing.

LoisPuddingLane Tue 10-Dec-13 19:28:25

If a friend of yours told you what you have written above, what would your instinct be? Because that instinct is probably right. This is not a man who has your welfare or best interests at heart. You deserve so much better.

You got with an abusive man at 17 when you were perhaps in a bad place yourself and had no life experience behind you. You were targeted by him purely for his own ends. He has abused you and continues to do so.

He has also caused you to think so lowly of yourself. You now need to rebuild your life without him in it.

You are now 23, please do not be with this person when you are 24. Such men do not change, you cannot love them better.

Please call Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and allow them to help you get this person out of your life for good - before he ends your life.

You also could be codependent on him which is an unhealthy state to be in when relationships are concerned. You always put his needs and wants before yours. I would also suggest you read Codependent No More written by Melodie Beattie.

I would also suggest longer term that you enrol on Womens Aid's Freedom Programme as this is specifically for women who have been in abusive relationships. Such people like the person you describe can take a long time, years even, to recover from.

Packupyourtroubles Tue 10-Dec-13 19:41:26

Sorry I am a bit overwhelmed by the responses. And writing this crying.
The thing is I don't feel like it is domestic violence, I have seen people in far far worse situations than this, and I know that I have caused a lot of this. He doesn't 'beat me up' iyswim, he is just violent to other things and has lost it only a couple of times with me,
I am not trying to excuse his behaviour I just want to understand what of it I have caused and what to do from here.
Ultimately I would advise anyone that if they are not happy, they should change their situation, but this seems absolutely impossible to me, and I can't work out why.

LoisPuddingLane Tue 10-Dec-13 19:44:50

It IS domestic violence, and you haven't caused it. The person shaking you, or slapping you, or punching inanimate objects is totally responsible for his actions. The person who forces you to have sex against your will (which, as you must know, is rape) is totally responsible for his actions. The person who has cheated on you is totally responsible for his actions.

Do you think this is a normal relationship? It is not. He controls you and hurts you, and rapes you.

Please do not think for one second that this is not that bad because he doesn't regularly black your eyes.

something2say Tue 10-Dec-13 19:49:53

The thing is, we all do the wrong thing at times.

But it's what people them do that is the problem here. Your boyfriend choose to be aggressive.

I also wonder how many actual mistakes you are making, he seems to be twisting it round and blaming it on you. That's a classic abusers tool.

Domestic violence is about a range of tactics to show you who is boss. Xx

AnUnearthlyChild Tue 10-Dec-13 19:50:06

I just want to understand what of it I have caused and what to do from here.

a) absolutely none of it. He is choosing to do this. Because its fun.

b) LTB ASAP

something2say Tue 10-Dec-13 19:51:57

What to do from here.

What do you want to do? It would be easiest if you felt this is the end of the line and want out. I have to warn you that he probably won't ever change. This may be who he is. If you think you could stay if only he'll change, I wonder if actually won't xxxxx

cantdoalgebra Tue 10-Dec-13 19:54:05

You say that you don't live together, but that you have a joint bank account and loans together, is that right? This sounds quite strange. Do you both earn/get approximately the same amount of money?

LoisPuddingLane Tue 10-Dec-13 19:56:21

It seems you even suspect he might still be cheating on you (and to be honest, if my partner was having "sleepovers" with his female friends, I would be slightly on edge about it). What exactly is good about the relationship?

You are - what - 23? You deserve to be with a man who thinks you are wonderful, and who does not make you feel like you are walking through a minefield just waiting for one to go off in your face.

Packupyourtroubles Tue 10-Dec-13 19:58:06

Sorry if I don't answer everyone I am struggling a little bit
I'm not sure if it is rape because I don't say no, I just don't say anything any more.
I do want to be by myself but I don't know how I can be. He won't be happy if I say I don't want to be with him.
Yes I support him the joint account is where I put a third of my wages into, he is unemployed at the moment. We have 2 loans together they are his but I am named on them and help with repayments.
I am feeling very overwhelmed sorry

You haven't caused any of it. Please, please contact your local DV organisation and ask for some counselling. You need help to disentangle from this man. I'm sorry about the abortion and I don't mean to sound harsh but never, ever have children with him.

HazleNutt Tue 10-Dec-13 19:58:59

you've been with him since you were 17, so that's all your adult life. It's totally normal that you don't see a way out and can't imagine life without him. But there is one. You don't live together, no kids - leave him before that happens.
It's not your fault. I could do anything and my DH would never hit walls, never shake or slap me.
It's not your fault that you're being raped because you know that saying "no" does nothing.
You do not make him do anything, he chooses to.

This is domestic violence and he will not change. Get out. Everybody deserves to be in a loving, secure, happy relationship.

Packupyourtroubles Tue 10-Dec-13 19:59:20

I don't think it is normal, but I don't know how abnormal it is, iyswim.

If he is making you do anything sexually against your will, even if it's by bullying you or being sulky until you 'agree' it's still sexual abuse or rape.

LoisPuddingLane Tue 10-Dec-13 20:01:06

It is rape if he is having sex with you knowing that you don't want to. You've given up saying no - presumably because it made no difference. So you still don't want it, and you see no point in saying no. This is not consent. He knows you don't want it. I'm not sure if you think that is ok, but it really is not.

And you are supporting him too. He's a real prize, isn't he?

I'm not surprised you feel overwhelmed, but hang in there and keep talking to us.

LoisPuddingLane Tue 10-Dec-13 20:03:41

I suggest you think about not paying a third of your wages into the joint account. Why on earth should this violent, agressive, nasty thug have access to money you have earned?

cjel Tue 10-Dec-13 20:07:03

He isn't happy about much you do is he? so if you leave you will at least be happy, I'd advise get in touch with WA or DV unit if you are not sure how to leave, they will help you do it in the safest way possible.
You don;t deserve this treatment there is nothing you have done to warrant this treatment, whatever you call it.flowers for you at this tough timexx

something2say Tue 10-Dec-13 20:09:44

If you want to leave him,you can.
Start by slowly and quietly siphoning your stuff back to your place.
Don't tell him you are leaving him at all.
When you ready, tell him by phone or text that its over and then change your numbers. Block him from social media. I he comes round dont let him in. If he won't go or starts anything, ring 999 immediately and tell where you are.
Expect him not to be happy, that he loves you, that he hates you, the begging, the threats, the lot.
Don't say anything back. This sort of man won't listen to you.
Mostly tho, gather your friends and famly around you, tell them the truth, and never ever get back to him, don't respond at all. Tennis cannot be played if one person lays down their racket x

LoisPuddingLane Tue 10-Dec-13 20:11:05

And if there is no-one nearby you can gather round you (I suspect he wouldn't be too keen on you having friends), we will gather round you.

something2say Tue 10-Dec-13 20:11:40

Pack up your troubles you have done amazingly x well done for telling us x you can do it x

LoisPuddingLane Tue 10-Dec-13 20:12:34

Yes I agree. Just telling us is a brave step.

ContentedSidewinder Tue 10-Dec-13 20:15:44

I think because you don't have anything to compare your relationship with him to you don't realise how bad it is.

In a way I was fortunate to have boyfriends who weren't total arseholes they just didn't care about me as much as they should have. I thought that was normal because they were all like that.

I met DH when I was 22 and he treated me with such love and respect that I couldn't believe it would last or be real. We are 17 years down the line and he still treats me like I am some sort of goddess and I treat him equally well.

Your life shouldn't be choosing the path of least resistance. Your life can't be walking on eggshells. You should look forward to seeing him, enjoy his company. You sound like you endure it.

Please, please do not be with this person another day. Clearly there are financial issues to sort out and I guess the loans were all to benefit him. But get out before you have a child with this wanker.

FunnyFestiveTableRunner Tue 10-Dec-13 20:17:49

You are being abused in every possible way OP sad You need to get out of this relationship but you know that yourself. Just acknowledging it is the first step. Lots of very wise ladies on this board have been in your shoes and will give you excellent advice if you are willing to take it.

Life is too short for this thanks

LoisPuddingLane Tue 10-Dec-13 20:20:11

If it helps (it always helps), make a list of all the things you need to do to extricate yourself. You don't have to do them, but just making the list helps. This is a completely different situation but a couple of years ago I decided to leave my safe and normal life and move to a country where I (still) don't speak the language properly.

I did a massive list - everything from rehoming the cats to arrranging furniture storage to giving in my notice - everything. And then I never looked at it again. Somehow just making the list ordered my mind enough to get on with it.

Matildathecat Tue 10-Dec-13 20:25:04

Forgive me if I'm wrong on this but I used to work a lot with young women. A lot were in abusive relationships. Almost without exception they refused to accept that their relationship was abusive, rather they would call it 'having a fight/ Barney' or whatever. Full of excuses about how it wasn't really his fault and how it didn't matter that he'd given her a black eye/ lost a tooth/ broken her jaw/ caused a miscarriage. He'd had a bad time, you see. So don't blame him, he's lovely to me sometimes.

If you meet someone when you're young, maybe have low self esteem, maybe lots of things...it is your normal for all of the above. Your normal, not real normal. Certainly not the normal you'd want to bring children into.

Please take the wise advice of the posters here and get out now. Speak to a local DV advisor, possibly call the police DV unit so they are aware of your situation.

Then get away from this sad excuse for a man. You deserve much better. When you have broken away do consider some counselling to make some sense of all this and help you avoid men who behave like this in the future.

Good luck.

LoisPuddingLane Tue 10-Dec-13 20:27:58

I find it worrying how often you say "I am to blame" or "it's my fault". If you take nothing else away from this discussion, please, please understand that none of this is your fault. Your bloke would be the same with another woman because that is how he is.

In a normal relationship, people still argue but it doesn't end in violence. And in a normal relationship bedtime doesn't end in rape or sexual abuse.

Perhaps you are scared of being on your own but it could be the greatest adventure of your life.

Packupyourtroubles Tue 10-Dec-13 20:31:09

Thank you all so much for taking time to reply to me. Honestly, you are helping in ways I have never been helped.
I need to find strength to leave. I think the idea of writing a list is good. I am not sure how to leave but I need to I think. I want to be by myself I don't want another man around me.
I do think it is my normal I understand what you mean (sorry can't see your name) I don't know any different really.
Except I look at my sisters and brother and their relationships and they aren't like this but I don't think id know if they were.
I don't want to feel like this any more. I fear everything. I can't stop self harming and thought that it was because I am mentally unwell but more I think about it the more I think it's because of how I feel every day.

Packupyourtroubles Tue 10-Dec-13 20:31:59

I do think a lot of it is my fault though because I provoke these reactions In him I think.

Monbrow89 Tue 10-Dec-13 20:33:48

A mans perspective here and I am of similar age to you. Listen to the people here and leave ASAP. It is violence and abuse and the fact he is making you think it's your fault and you deserve it is also abuse.

I'm also going to say there's a reason he has no male friends and I'm willing to bet it's because he's controlling and if he tried controlling any male friends he had they wouldn't stand for it.

What do your friends think of your relationship?

something2say Tue 10-Dec-13 20:34:29

No you don't. He just makes out that you do.
Many men carry on like this after you have gone. And you think, god all that time he said it was me, but it couldn't have been!

LoisPuddingLane Tue 10-Dec-13 20:36:34

It really isn't your fault. That's what he has trained you to believe. You are not responsible for the way anyone else acts.

What is it you think you do to provoke him? Do you have your own opinion? Do you ask him why he stays over with girls? Do you disagree with him? Do you - heaven forbid - say something to him about not working and using your money?

These are all quite reasonable questions. In a relationship you should be able to say something your partner doesn't agree with, or ask questions about, for example, their slightly suspicious relations with the opposite sex, without it descending into violence.

chaosagain Tue 10-Dec-13 20:44:10

He is responsible for how he behaves, whatever you do or say.

A better man would respond to you totally differently, even if you did the same 'provoking' things. You are not responsible for his reactions. He is.

You deserve better and it will be hard to step away because that's the effect of being abused. Being with him has damaged your view of you. To me you sound capable, bright, caring, honest and brave.

Think about talking to someone you really trust in real life. MN will support you whatever you decide, but you may need to begin the process of making it real by talking to someone real..

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Tue 10-Dec-13 20:44:59

You do not provoke these reactions in him.

You may week provoke a reaction, but he choses the path of violence. He could equally leave the room, call a friend, breathe deeply, listen to music, go for a brisk walk, or eve decide to listen to your point of view.

But he choses another path.

Call women's aid or email them what you have written so far.

Do not wait until you understand why it happens. You may never, or you will when you have some distance from this relationship.

Be safe too. He may notice you are changing and realising that these behaviours of his are not normal.

Clear your MN history, speak to people you trust in real life.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Tue 10-Dec-13 20:46:52

Massive x-post with chaos.

Imagine you are your best friend and take yourself under your wing.

BettyBum Tue 10-Dec-13 21:01:39

God I never post on these boards but

OMG

You absolutely have done the right thing by coming on here. Bless you, very brave

None of this is your fault. You have to realise that

Packupyourtroubles Tue 10-Dec-13 21:19:59

I don't have anyone in real life, at all.
My sister doesn't like him but we haven't really spoken about it.
Thank u all for your messages. I don't want to self harm again, I don't want to be scared.
I don't know what's next I'm trying to break it into baby steps and I'm not finding it easy to think.

Tuhlulah Tue 10-Dec-13 21:20:29

At the moment you are living separately, and you have some financial independence and a job. And he shakes and slaps you, hits you by proxy when he punches your car (a stand in for you), cheats on you and rapes you (because if someone has sex with you and you don't want to and they know you don't want to -and he would know- that is rape) yet you are caring for his mother (did I get that right) and you are paying his debts. He made you abort your pregnancy.

Now imagine how much worse this will get when you are totally dependent on him -you have a child and don't work because you are caring for his mother, your nephew and a baby and him. When he is confident he has you in a situation where you cannot leave -then he will (I suspect) begin to beat you. Because he knows you can't get away. At the moment he isn't going too far because you can walk away.

It is so easy for me to say walk away. I have never been hit or raped in my life. I have worked with women who have been subject to terrible domestic abuse and who have witnessed terrible abuse as children.

Don't risk bringing a child into this relationship. Until you are able to leave do not risk becoming pregnant as if he gets an inkling you are thinking of leaving, I suspect he will start to take steps to prevent you from leaving.

You were a baby when you started your 'relationship' with him. Not much more than a little girl. He has shaped your expectations. he will go on doing this until you don't know what you think/know/see/hear any more because he will tell you one thing and you will start to doubt yourself. If you don't believe me, read some of the other posts on MN from women living for years with an abusive partner, sometimes violent, sometimes emotional, sometimes financial. It is all abuse. This is you. This is your future.

Don't waste your life on this inadequate rapist. Life is ever so short. One minute you're 23, thinking you're never going to get old, then all of a sudden you are nearly 50. Get away and start living your life.

You think, I suspect, that we are not understanding how you have caused his behaviour, and somehow how you started it, contributed towards it. But truly, you have said enough for everyone on this thread to spot the signs that you are in a dreadfully sad and abusive relationship. You think it's all your fault because that's how he operates.

You are obviously kind and caring. You deserve so much better. Take the practical advice on here and make a plan to get rid of this abomination of a human being. Get rid of him. People on here will hold your hand and support you.

Be brave and call Women's Aid. The first step is always the hardest.

Good luck and I will be thinking of you.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Tue 10-Dec-13 21:27:57

I was worrie you had no one. If you had, he would not have been able to drain you so much. The meeting every day, etc. is all about controlling you. I am worried that he would not let you regain your freedom easily.

I imagine you are also fairly isolated and predictable (whereabouts at various times of day) as a carer, which makes it easy for him to know where you are.

You are doing very well.

You are posting.

You are thinking for yourself.

Keep yourself safe. Bid your time. Speak to women's aid. Explain everything, see a counsellor. Do not mention this to him, or say it is because you have anxiety issues. Do not feel foolish involving women's aid or the police. They are out there for you. Yes, some of harder lives, but your call is not going to displace theirs. What about everyone having a better life?

Maybe it will be easy, maybe it won't. But you have started to feel it is not right.

LoisPuddingLane Tue 10-Dec-13 21:28:25

Don't feel like you have to make any decisions now. It must be really overwhelming having all these people saying "GET OUT. RUN!" I know in real life it's not that easy.

But hopefully your perspective will have shifted a tiny bit and you have seen what the reaction is of anyone who reads what you are going through. We are all different, I'm sure. But we've all said pretty much the same.

Keep the knowledge close to you that you have the option not to continue in this relationship. You don't have to be with him, and you don't even have to give him a reason. Just say it's not working any more.

And stop funding the lazy cunt.

Tuhlulah Tue 10-Dec-13 21:30:27

Packupyourtroubles - we 'met' before on another post.

Your DN really doesn't need to be around a man like this. Not in a million years. ten million years.

You have a child to look after. You must take action, you simply must get rid of him.
xx

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 10-Dec-13 21:30:34

hi there, sweety

you did the right thing posting here and giving more details

tbh, I am utterly shocked at how bad it is

please be reassured by all these wonderful posters that none of this was ever your fault, and all his abusive behaviour towards you has been his choice

these are the people you need to speak to. Just because this man isn't beating you black and blue on a daily basis and breaking your bones does not mean he is not an abuser. Just the threat of it is already keeping you in line and ensuring you submit to sex you do not want. I can't even bring myself to ask what exactly he "makes" you do. I am so sorry.

You need professional help, love. At the moment you are in huge denial, but I sense it is lifting, and you are going to need assistance to see that you deserve so much more than this.

please, call them tomorrow, and just tell them what you have told us. They won't insist you act in any particular way, they will just listen at first

Packupyourtroubles Tue 10-Dec-13 21:46:46

Thank you all
Honestly at the moment I have no words and feel too scared and sad to say anything
But thank you I hope it's ok for me to keep posting about this

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 10-Dec-13 21:54:23

As much as you need to

cjel Tue 10-Dec-13 21:56:17

Its your post - do what you need on itsmile

Packupyourtroubles Tue 10-Dec-13 22:01:19

Thank you I am trying to distract myself from hurting myself so I don't want to try and think of anything at the moment

LoisPuddingLane Tue 10-Dec-13 22:05:57

I hate to think you are sitting there harming yourself.

Packupyourtroubles Tue 10-Dec-13 22:07:29

No I'm not doing anything but I'm trying to get rid of the thoughts x

im so sorry you are in the midst of this unpleasant relationship.

this man has done things to you which have become normality for you, probably gradually building up to a point where you are basically having non consensual sex with him.

please dont blame yourself on any level, i hope this doesnt sound condescending, but when you inexperienced in relationships and possibly not very confident, like many women in teens and early twenties, as a person in a relationship you are quite vulnerable as you arent used to setting boundaries and deciding what is acceptable. some people are lucky and hook up with someone wonderful at this early age and as a result are naturally self confident and happy and never need worry about boundaries. but more of us have been through unhealthy damaging relationships to varying extents and come out the other side.

it will probably take you some time to build up the strength to leave this situation, but once you do, it will build a momentum of its own. you will feel yourself growing and being stronger, you will do things for yourself, you will become happy. you will enjoy your life, you wont be frightened or sad, and you will put yourself first and have a better sense of whether a relationship is good for before you get involved too deeply.

good luck.

Tuhlulah Tue 10-Dec-13 22:18:22

The hurting yourself will only bring a very temporary release. You need more permanent release. Please don't hurt yourself with a child in the house.

Is there anything else you can do to distract yourself?

Packup, you are not powerless. You are in a position of strength because you are not married or tied to this man. You have a loving child in your home who needs you.

Do you have friends or family members you can call or text?

Is it possible to make some tea/hot milk and try to read something you like? Or watch TV. Or a hot bath?

Try to calm down. This can all be remedied because you are free, you are not tied, and you can take the necessary steps to remove this tosser from your life. You deserve so much more.

Packupyourtroubles Tue 10-Dec-13 22:27:29

I'm trying everything I can to not do this
My nephew is on a visit with his dad
I don't have anyone I can call but I might go and do the food shopping as stupid as that sounds I need to distract myself properly because I don't want to give in to this again
Thank you for being here x

Tuhlulah Tue 10-Dec-13 22:37:10

Yes, do that (the shopping) just don't go where he is. That should tire you out and you will be able to sleep. Just keep yourself safe.

There are lots of people on this thread now who are concerned about you and who are supporting you through this. You are not alone.

Good night. X

Packupyourtroubles Tue 10-Dec-13 22:39:56

Thank you, so much x

LoisPuddingLane Tue 10-Dec-13 22:48:31

Final word before I go to bed. I wonder if it's worth writing down any incidents that happen with you and your bloke. Not for "evidence" but so that you can get a clearer look at things. When you see it written down it might be harder to brush it away as being "not really abuse" and it might also spur you on to make plans.

I'm not sure how comfortable you would feel about the next thing but if the bloke hits you or shakes you or behaves in a threatening manner towards you, I would advise you to call the police. Nobody should have the fear of violence from their partner hanging over their head.

Only you will know if you can do this - you may at this stage feel that the backlash from him would be too great.

Packupyourtroubles Tue 10-Dec-13 22:54:44

Hi Lois
I have kept a diary since I was 12 and have written in it near enough every day, lots more recently. I will have a read through those, that is a good idea. Thank you

LoisPuddingLane Tue 10-Dec-13 22:57:14

You're welcome. Sleep well tonight. You're not alone now. (Sorry, that sounded a bit sinister!).

Jux Tue 10-Dec-13 23:23:09

Sleep well. Tomorrow is a new day; it is the day where you begin to plan a future which does not contain him. Phone Women's Aid and have a chat with them about what he does and how he behaves, what your relationship is like. They will help you to make a plan to extricate yourself.

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 07:20:17

I am going to try to find the strength to call women's aid today. I am not sure what to say though.

Kandypane Wed 11-Dec-13 07:42:40

Hi packup

I don't have a great wealth of knowledge or advice to offer you but I have read this thread and it has made me so sad. Your twenties should be a time of fun and happiness, you should not be going through this. Take baby steps but do not waver on your plan to leave this absolute horrible piece of shit of a "man". Keep posting as often as you need. You have reserves of strength you don't even know about, you can, and you will, succeed in this xxx

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 08:01:55

Thank you kandy that made me cry, you are all so lovely, I haven't had anyone to care for years (not a sob story, just true). I have to go to work but I am trying to think of my next step.

something2say Wed 11-Dec-13 08:15:46

It can be easy. If you are ready to, just stop communicating with him. He doesn't even deserve to know why. Just stop seeing him, letting him in and responding to his calls, you could call your mobile company and tell them and ask for the number to be changed there and then, or buy a new sim.

Who do you live with? Can you tell them you are breaking up and they are not to answer the door to him?

Or do you need time to think?

The most importent thing to think about is about how this sort of man is dangerous and won't change. Things will only get worse. Why not look up domestic violence on the Internet and have a good read about it? See if it fits with what you are going through, which it will, but you see it for yourself? Avoid him as far as poss for a while while you think...

Or just simply stop getting back to him.

The thing is, even if the only thing you do is leave the abuser, the abuse will then stop and you will automatically feel better as time goes on.

I am worried about the self harm. Where can you get support for that? Can you make a dr appt and tell them what's been happening so you can be referred for support? Survivors deserve a hand to hold at times of leaving.

Another thing I advise is walking around repeating in your own head that you are a good person, because it is true. Verbal and emotional abuse are what I call bad energy. It noes replacing with good energy. Calling yourself good names repeatedly does replace that bad energy with good energy. And it is true. Remember, abusive people call you names. Normal people don't, no matter what you have done.

If this is taking time to sink in, just see if you can avoid his calls while you think it all through. And when the time does come to leave, there doesn't have to be any great drama.....if you don't get back to him or answer the door. X

Tuhlulah Wed 11-Dec-13 08:28:25

Your DN cares for you.

I know it's daunting, to make that first step. And it's easy to put it off. But it won't be any easier tomorrow. You are so lucky, you don't have this shitbag living in your home, so you haven't got to sort out that hell. You are in this so far, but you don't have to get in any further.

I'm sorry I had to go to bed last night, but I hope you managed not to hurt yourself -I presume you cut? I forgot to tell you that when you feel desperate like this, and have no one to call, you can call the Samaritans. They are run by people like us on MN (i know one woman who does it, a mother from DS primary school). All you do is talk to them, just let it all out, and that might help you in the immediate term. They will listen and they cannot give advice. Next step is Women's Aid who can give you advice.

You are afraid of the shitbag, and that's what he relies on and feeds on. He is controlling you already -but you know that.

You don't need me to go on about what he does to you, but I SO want you to understand that you are not imagining this -it's really, he's really doing that to you, and then trying to fuck your head up so you don't know what's real any more.

Please call Women's Aid. Please don't imagine they would think you are wasting their time, or your situation isn't bad enough for them to take it seriously.

If you can please call them today and let us know what they say to you (I don't mean all the private things, but just the gist). Take the first baby step, don't be afraid, it's only a phone call.

If he threatens you CALL THE POLICE because the shitbag needs to know that you are taking it seriously and that you mean business.

I know you are young, but you can do this. Write down a list of reasons why you can't do this.

He got you when you were young and impressionable and vulnerable. Instead of loving you and making you stronger he has worn you down but he hasn't won because you came on here for help. So maybe see that as being your first step -so, you have already taken that first step, by asking for help here. Now take the next - Women's Aid.

Good luck today, take care. When the shitbag comes calling tell him DO NOT LET HIM IN. DO NOT AGREE TO SEE HIM.

I send you a big hug. I am old enough to be your mum (yes, and only yesterday I was 23 like you). xx

LoisPuddingLane Wed 11-Dec-13 08:32:14

Just a thought - does he have his own keys to where you live? If so, think about getting the locks changed. Much easier not to let someone in if they don't have keys.

absentmindeddooooodles Wed 11-Dec-13 08:34:36

I dont have any great advice for you....its all been covered on here, and 5heres been some amazing posts. Just wanted to offer you a hand to hold.

Where abouts are you?

JRmumma Wed 11-Dec-13 08:57:25

I haven't read the whole thread yet but i just had to write that the fact that you have given up saying no and just go along with it is so horrible and sickening. NO ONE should have that kind if control over another human being. The fact that you don't want to have sex with him is your body telling you what your head hasn't realised just yet, that you do not want this man anywhere near you. You need him out of your life. Be strong and have a good think about it, this is not right.

You say you know your relationship is not normal but don't know how abnormal - what you describe is very abnormal and unhealthy. Walk away and don't concern yourself with how it will affect him.

antimatter Wed 11-Dec-13 09:12:11

I wanted to comment to say that you are already looking for a way out writing here.
Many comments you've made show me that you are emotionaly dependent on him.

You are doing hard job of looking after your DN.
You also mentioned that you are a cared to DP's mum - how's that came about?
Do you have loans he took and you are paying them? Are you scared that if you leave you will be left with big debts?

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 09:16:03

Hi everyone
He turned up at mine just about 15 minutes ago, I am trying to act like nothing is up but he definitely knew something was.
He has keys I want to get the locks changed but I rent and I'd have to check with the landlord and I need to time it properly because I don't want him to know what's going on.
Sorry I can't remember al the questions I was asked and who asked them.
I live by myself but look after my nephew full time but he goes on visits to his mum and dads houses quite a lot.
I live in London. Sorry I can't remember anything at the moment I'm all over the place
Thank you all

LoisPuddingLane Wed 11-Dec-13 09:20:52

You don't have to apologise. I imagine that when he's there you just go into survival mode. If you tell your landlord why you need to change the locks, I hope they would agree.

You don't owe this man anything. When you are ready to make a move, we'll be here.

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 09:44:38

I started looking after his mum when she got ill 2 years ago. I don't do much, I do her shopping, I bathe her and give her bed washes as well. She can still manage the toilet. I batch cook for them.
The loans are in his name. I think I might be the guarantor, but I'm not sure. I make the repayments, he is meant to give me some towards it each month but generally doesn't.

MerryFuckingChristmas Wed 11-Dec-13 09:54:39

When you ring WA, tell them about the financial abuse too.

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 09:56:46

He didn't make me though iyswim I always volunteered it to make my life easier I hope that makes sense

Tuhlulah Wed 11-Dec-13 09:58:14

OH!!!!!

You don't do much????!!!!

You do the shopping.

You bathe her -this is the job of a CARER.

You wash her -this is the job of a CARER.

You will be soon helping her onto the toilet - this is the job of a CARER.

You batch cook for them -this is the job of a WIFE/PARTNER/HUSBAND. Even carers don't do this.

You guarantee his fucking loans. You pay his fucking debts. Who the fuck would do this for him?

He should be kneeling down at your feet to kiss them every day. he should treat you like the caring and kind person you are and that he is not. He should treat you like a goddess, like a princess. He is DEPENDENT on you, not the other way round. No wonder he controls you -he cannot survive without you. He is weak. he can't even look after his own mother. My mother used to say: A man who is no good to his own mother will be no good to anyone.

Extricate yourself from this. Get away from this. He is so damaged. He will break you up into little pieces if you let him.

He will have to get in touch with social services to get proper care for his mum. He will have to feed himself and her.

Accept that you are left with this debt because he won't pay you back, whether he is raping you every day of your life, or whether you kick the shitbag into touch today.

Tell him to give you your keys. The landlord will charge you for changing the locks. Tell him the landlord has asked for them, so he can do a property check. Make up a lie if you can't face him. Get the keys back. YOU MUST HAVE A SECURE PLACE TO BE.

I am sorry if I sound over the top here. But it is VITAL you get the keys. Or new locks.

You don't need to ask LL permission to change the locks. Just do it and provide them a key.

Tuhlulah Wed 11-Dec-13 10:04:44

OK Packup - can you afford a locksmith? Phone local locksmiths for quotes to come and change the locks today.

Could DN parents help you with any of this?

Madratlady Wed 11-Dec-13 10:08:16

We are the same age which made this even harder reading. I'm sure you've realised from other posters that this is in no way a a normal relationship and he's a abusive twat.

I don't have much practical advice other than to echo the others who said to leave and make sure you are safe. You have had some good advice on here.

Anyway, I just wanted to speak up and voice my support. Stay strong.

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 10:17:19

I will have a look at locksmiths and talk to my landlord.
I feel weak I just want to pretend it's not happening.he keeps texting me.
My nephews parents are in a situation that I can't go into as it is sensitive etc, they don't have much money though and that's why I'm looking after my nephew, for the stability for him.

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 10:28:57

I have made a list of practical things I need to do, can someone please look over it for me and tell me if I've missed anything.

Call landlord
Call locksmith
Bring my stuff back from his
Talk to social services re assessment for his mum
Take his stuff back to his house
Call womens aid
Go to gum clinic

I can't think properly does this sound ok

Tuhlulah Wed 11-Dec-13 10:29:11

OK, my last post now, I have to work.

OK, if you change the locks you are going to have to tell him why he is not getting a new key, which will lead to the conversation that you don't want to see him. So you may as well save the money and ask for the keys back. Can you tell him you've locked yourself out and need to borrow his keys to get another set cut?

However, this approach is going to make you anxious. You may as well go that extra step and tell him to give you your keys as you don't want him letting himself in and out. If he refuses you call the police, as it then becomes theft, as he intents to permanently deprive you of the keys after you have asked for them.

Am I missing something here?

Are you the paid carer for his mother? You said your salary gets paid into a joint account. You can stop this today. Call in to the bank and do it, or make a new account and get your salary and any other money put in there. This is essential. You need to be able to live.

Do yu intend to remain caring for his mother? I advise not. If you are employed to be her carer and can't do without the money, can you make alternative arrangements?

get your head out of the sand, this isn't going to go away. I know you're scared. Make a plan of action sweetie.

1. I am going to call Women's Aid as they will be able to help.

2. I am going to get rid of the shitbag rapist.

3. I am going to make my money secure. TODAY

4. I am going to make my home secure. AS SOON AS YOU CAN because when you do step 2 he will want to see you and I don't like the idea of being able to be in your home alone with him. But if you change the locks he may get to the account first.

he knows something is up -so act now.

be brave. You have come so far. I will be thinking of you.

xxxxx

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 10:31:38

Thank you tuhlulah
I am not his mums paid carer I just care for her in the mornings and at weekends, I work somewhere else full time

Tuhlulah Wed 11-Dec-13 10:32:39

Sorry we cross posted.

What is a gum clinic? Did you mean to say gun clinic because I know he is a complete and utter c* but shooting him may be a bit extreme?

You are thinking very well. Next, put a time and day on each action. prioritise. Well done. See, you are doing the right things without being told -you are capable. You are thinking clearly. Head up love, you can do it. You're making a start already.

Tuhlulah Wed 11-Dec-13 10:35:31

Oh, you're not even paid?

OK, if you are kind enough to call social services, then do it but it's not a priority. But signpost them to the shitbag. He is their first point of contact now, not you. Make clear that it's urgent, because his mum needs to be looked after. BUT THAT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Keys/locks and bank, and women's aid. Your stuff -if it's important. Is it at his mum's?

Well done. XXXXXXX

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 10:35:56

Oh sorry it's the sexual health clinic.
Yeah a gun clinic is a bit much!
Ok I need to think straight and try to get started. Thank you

Tuhlulah Wed 11-Dec-13 10:39:13

OK, yes, that's important too. Remember, you've been raped for the last time. No more sexual contact with him, don't allow him to put you in that situation again.

You are thinking straight. It's all new to you, and you're doing fine. I'll check back later today. Hopefully other posters will be along soon.

Go girl!

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 10:44:06

My stuff is at his, a few bits at his mums.
He checked my laptop in for repair when he broke it so they are going to give it back to him but I think I might just have to let that go.
I don't know if I'm going to ever be strong enough to do that final step. But I'm going to try and start today I don't know, feeling less confident now tbh.

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 10:47:59

I'm sorry I've realised how much I've been posting and I'm not sure how much sense I'm making sorry

LoisPuddingLane Wed 11-Dec-13 10:49:38

GUM is genito-urinary medicine.

Packup, he may not have made you take out loans but it's like the sex - you've got to the point where you just go along with it for a quiet life. He is taking everything from you - your body, your freedom, your money, your confidence, everything.

There is a better life waiting for you.

LoisPuddingLane Wed 11-Dec-13 10:51:03

I understand you aren't feeling up to this - but that is probably what he wants. He has got you exactly where we wants by intimidation and manipulation.

MerryFuckingChristmas Wed 11-Dec-13 10:52:18

Pack, please make sure that you are fully supported and are prepared to follow through your plans. This is all quite a new realisation for you and I worry that you will capitulate to pressure from him, which will actually make your situation worse as he will escalate the control to bring you back into line.

Ring Women's Aid and get some concrete, RL advice (am not taking anything away from the advice above, btw) before you make any moves that will inflame him. I am actually worried for your safety. Abusive and controlling men do not take it well when their cowed pet starts to bite back. You are isolated and very prone to manipulation. Get some Big Guns on your side.

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 10:53:11

He's just called me 4 times he never calls me when I'm at work. I'm a little bit worried but I'm just not picking up

MerryFuckingChristmas Wed 11-Dec-13 10:55:05

He senses something is up. These people have a good antenna for when the worm starts to turn.

You have to get out, but first and foremost you have to plan it carefully and get RL support.

LoisPuddingLane Wed 11-Dec-13 10:55:10

You seem like a really nice girl who people - sorry to say this - seem to dump on. I'm not sure what led to you having your nephew full time but as he has a mum and dad, it's an unusual situation. So they don't have much money? Who does when your children are young?

And you've been landed with caring for your boyfriend's mum, which really isn't your job.

You work full time and end up paying off loans on behalf of your boyfriend.

I think it's time you roared and said ENOUGH.

NettleTea Wed 11-Dec-13 11:16:43

you can call the police and tell them that you are ending a relationship with someone that is abusive. this will put them on alert. Also let them know that he has keys. In some cases I have heard of them being there, or nearby, so that if he kicks off they can accompany him from the premesis and get your keys back for you. Also helps to put an injunction/non molestation in place to keep him away from you.
You are allowed to end this. you dont need his permission.
but be prepared for the cycle he will go through (none of which will be true or lasting BTW, just trying everything in his repetoire to try to get you to let him back - so he will be going for any weak point in your armour)
the promises to change
the promises to get some councilling
the admition that he has been a shitbag but he knows that now
his proclaimations of love
offering gifts/money/a baby whatever he thinks it is you have been moaning about
promising not to see his friends
being nice/helpful
then the self pitying stuff
name calling
saying you are letting down his mum
crying
saying he will kill himself
saying he cant live without you
turning up looking dishevelled as if he has been crying
actually crying
pleading
saying he was abused as a child/something happened which 'made him' like this (possibly something which has happened to you, so as to try to make that connection)
saying he is going to lose his house/cant eat, etc trying to make you feel sorry for him
then the nasty stuff
agression
anger
threats
violence
lots of harrassment by phone/text/email/through the door.

and then cycle back to the

I call this break up Bingo - you could make a tick list to distract you from what he is saying, to prevent you being drawn into his game. Dont reply to texts beyond the 'its over, dont contact me' but keep them all as they will be evidence of harrassment and help you with the legal side of keeping him away. It wont be easy, but if you are strong enough to have got this far without being destroyed, you are strong enough to get free, and strong enough to fly once he has gone.

Once your eyes have been opened you just cant go back - its as if a veil has been lifted - you cannot unknow what you know. You most probably do NOT have any MH problems, you are having a natural reaction to the stress of an abusive relationship, which has crept up on you without your knowledge, because thats how they work, gradually breaking down all your boundaries. But your natural instincts are spot on.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart Wed 11-Dec-13 11:18:14

I'm sorry I've realised how much I've been posting and I'm not sure how much sense I'm making sorry

You are making perfect sense. It is very clear from your posts that he has you in such a position that you don't trust your own judgement. You have nothing to be sorry for, it was just bad luck that you met this arsehole at such a young age and he was able to manipulate you the way he has.

I know you are scared of leaving him and perhaps don't feel strong enough to do it. I just wanted to say that the one thing that sings out to me from your posts is that you are an incredibly strong person. At your young age you have taken on the care of your DNephew in what I can only guess are difficult circumstances, you care for DN, care for the arsehole's mother AND work full-time. You have a tenacity and inner strength I certainly didn't have at your age. If I was your mother (and I am old enough to be) I would be very proud of you for being there for so many people! Turn some of that kindness and strength towards helping yourself now.

Please do call Women's Aid, it doesn't matter if you don't know what to say, they will ask the right questions to help you talk. If you are feeling low and need support fighting the urge to self-harm don't forget the Samaritans are always there. God knows, I've called them at times when I've been at a total loss for words to describe how I am feeling and they have been a lifeline.

I will be thinking of you today and sending you positive vibes through the ether.

JRmumma Wed 11-Dec-13 11:51:26

Post as much as you need to, if you are finding it useful. It seems like you have already got lots of useful advice that you are now acting on and you will continue to get lots more advice and support here.

Please if you can, confide in someone in real life and get some help there. You say your sister doesn't like your partner and she may have an inkling of what he is like and be waiting to help you out when the time comes i.e. now. If people know what's going on they can help and protect you.

Good luck and stay strong.

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 11:54:31

Thank you all for your posts I am taking heart from the kind words and feel so supported
I am going to ring the police I think as I just received two quite aggressive texts and would like for them to be on standby I guess when I go home. I have arranged for my nephew to be with his dad again tonight so I can sort this out.
I'm trying to remind myself that I don't want to wake up wanting to die tomorrow again or feel terrified of my own shadow all the time and so I have to do this scary bit first.
It feels a little bit surreal that all this has happened.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Wed 11-Dec-13 11:59:40

Call the police on 101 and explain you are breaking up from a violent man, ask for advice and referral to a a DV unit.

Call WA too. You are doing much in your own. They can listen, advice and help if you let them.

Whatever happens, put your safety first. You do not have to go to his to return his stuff. You can leave it bag duo somewhere, front porch, his mum, etc. to avoid contact as he has violent outburts.

Put yourself first, call WA before SS for his mum's assessment or returning his things. They can wait, you cannot.

For his calls, texts, what would you normally do? Send a breezy "what's up"? Of course he must sense you are changing. Well done. Keep strong.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Wed 11-Dec-13 12:00:50

Keep the texts and explain everything.

Thinking of you.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Wed 11-Dec-13 12:01:56

I mean to the police, not to him of course.

something2say Wed 11-Dec-13 12:10:31

Also look up DV services in your borough - you are in London, there are services in every borough, you could be on the phone to them this afternoon.

If you were my client, what I'd do is first of all encourage you to ring 101 and say you are having problem with your boyfriend and report the texts and tell about the physical abuse. Let them deal with that.

Then I'd advise you to tell your manager at work and get the rest of the day off. Manages often don't know what to say about this stuff mind, so I would not be surprised if they didn't know what to do - can you book a half day? The rest of the week off sick? GP apt to get signed off?

Then I'd help you work out where you could go tonight after work - do you have to go home? Is there anywhere else you could go and stay?

If you do have to go home, do you feel safe at home? The Police can change your locks now. If you tell them he has a key.

But the main thing is, have you thought about how you will tell him that it is over and what will happen after that? This is why a DV professional will be the best person to help - we do this all day and will help you work out exactly what to do and how to do it.

XXXX

The main thing is, don't reply to him, but expect that to mean he does whatever he feels he has to to get to you - coming round, kicking the door, threatening to hurt you - ring 999 and tell them where you are if this happens.

How are you getting home from work tonight? x You don't have to suffer anymore at all - you could ring the Police, tell them all about it and maybe one of the officers could accompany you home, help you get your stuff and then help you get somewhere safe?

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 12:21:39

He is being aggressive because I'm not picking up the phone but I'm often in meetings or generally just busy and so this is weird for him, he knows that I am often not with my phone. I am keeping all the texts.
I'm meant to be visiting another place today, I am a manager but I can speak to the director of the company, he should be able to shuffle some things so I can be off he is usually quite good.
I am going to try and go home in the next hour or so.
I drive home so that should be ok, I may just book into a hotel after I tell him although I'm not sure when I'm going to tell him yet.
I will call 101 when I'm on my way to my next visit, I can be late for that if I need to talk things through in detail.
Thank you you have given me some amazing advice and thigs I wouldn't have thought of.
Do you know how long a referral to the dv unit will take? Will I have to go an meet them? Is it better to talk to womens aid or 101 first?

something2say Wed 11-Dec-13 12:39:11

Hiya - I would say you don't have to pick up the phone to him ever again at all actually. It can really be like that.

But keep the messages and voicemails so that the Police can get a good feel of what he says. This may allow them to move straight to a caution of charge.

Yes do tell work and try and go home and pack a bag - I like the idea of an hotel. When you get there, don't be alone - ring people and tell them what's happening. And tell the people at home so they know to expect him banging on the door.

101 will likely be quite a quick call - the longer talk will be when the officers come to see you.

It may be that you can speak to a DV professional this afternoon...

How about you turn your phone onto silent now tho? You don't need to hear the calls from him...until you have called 101 and then the Police may call you. If he starts calling on with held numbers etc, you can answer if you think it is someone else but if its silent or you know it is him, just hang up straight away.

Well done, you are doing amazingly x you are so brave and have done so well to get to this stage xxxx

something2say Wed 11-Dec-13 12:45:33

When you tell him, how would you like to do that?

You could text, saying its over, I never want to see or hear from you ever again. Don't ring me, don't email me and don't come round - I wont be getting back to you and never want to see or hear from you again. It you harass me, I will report you to the Police.

Or you could ring him and do it on the phone - I don't recommend this tho as it gives him an opportunity to go mad with the shouting or go quiet with the sinister or cry with the manipulative crap.

Or you could email him and then block him straight after that so you don't have to read what he says. An email allows you to say a bit more stuff that you may nee to get off your chest, maybe your own sadness about it and your reasons.

But the thing is, you don't have to do any of this if you don't want to. In time you will see that he actually doesn't deserve any of it, for he has been highly abusive and degrading of you, and therefore barely deserves a scraping off the bottom of your shoe.

But you are on relationship with him and saying goodbye might be the best thing for YOU rather than something that he deserves.

So have a think and let us know which one feels best for you right now.

But the message is - the end - leave me totally alone and if you do not, I will report you to the Police.

I just want to say too that actually doing the reporting is really important. Don't let things slide for a quiet life - he needs to learn that if he eats poison, he sicks it back up every time. EVERY time. x

something2say Wed 11-Dec-13 12:46:42

101 first, then google local dv services and ring them up x or 101 and your local police community safety unit may be able to put you in touch - often dv professionals work in the police stations x

Tuhlulah Wed 11-Dec-13 12:51:34

Call Women's Aid now. they will tell you what to do, and what to expect. You have had cyber advice and support -now you must get some support in real life.

You are a capable and intelligent young woman that any mother would be proud of. At work you are clearly highly regarded and respected. You can do this.

You have had some great advice from other posters and I totally agree with IrishBlood, that you are really strong and resilient. People rely on you.

Says it all that the shitbag has no male friends.

Make your calls, love.

Tuhlulah Wed 11-Dec-13 12:53:28

Sorry, I am not contradicting what Something said, we cross posted. Either way, it won't make much difference. It might be good to call the police to make sure you are safe.
Good luck. Thinking of you. x

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 13:12:52

I am having a panic attack thinking about what I am actually about to do
I don't know if I can
I have called 101 and they are going to call back but I don't know if I can do it

something2say Wed 11-Dec-13 13:16:55

Its alright sweetheart, yes you can do it. Breathe slowly, listen to your heart beat, count it as it slows. Where are you?

something2say Wed 11-Dec-13 13:17:42

Can you message me the borough you are in and I'll find you dv services to ring now?

Tuhlulah Wed 11-Dec-13 13:23:51

You can do it. This is the worst bit. You can do it. This is fear. It will pass. Let the police help you.

And WELL DONE, you did it, you made that call. Well done!!!!!

Tiptops Wed 11-Dec-13 13:25:56

You are doing so well packup . You're being incredibly brave and doing so well. Try to breathe in for three seconds, hold for three seconds and breathe out for three.

You can do this, you already are doing it.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Wed 11-Dec-13 13:27:26

Well done. Or step at a time. One call at a time.

Can you stop and have some sweet tea. Have you had lunch? Maybe something liquid like a soup or smoothie. Take care of yourself.

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 13:46:39

I am finding it really hard to calm down but I am trying.
101 person said they will get a dv officer to call back.
I am at work but I am alone in the office. I have had tea and made myself eat a couple of biscuits because I feel light headed.
I have cancelled my visit.
I'm not sure what's next and I'm scared

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Wed 11-Dec-13 13:53:38

Would be great if you could eat something. Well done on finding some biscuits. Your adrenaline cannot carry you though very far. Enjoy your tea. Give yourself some time and decide in your next call. You can also email WA if this helps.

Tuhlulah Wed 11-Dec-13 13:54:01

You are safe in your office.

You are waiting for a phone call that will help you.

You are scared. You have had tea and eaten something, that might help a bit, but I think you should have more if you can face it. Your body is probably using up loads of nervous energy.

What's next? Well, when the DV officer call you back I think they will explain. You have done nothing wrong here. Think about your list of things to do. You've made an important start on that. Think about the bank and getting your money safe.

I bet this time yesterday you had no idea you could do this -and now look at you, taking CONTROL back. It will get easier. Stay calm. X

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 13:55:54

I don't think I can do it

Tuhlulah Wed 11-Dec-13 14:03:09

Yes you can. You have started. You will get a call and you explain. No one will force you to do anything.

You are being very brave. You made the first call -that was the part where you could say 'I don't think I can do it' because now you have SHOWN you CAN do it because you are doing it.

You are taking a brave step of saving yourself from a rapist and an abuser. Yes you can do it.

LoisPuddingLane Wed 11-Dec-13 14:04:32

You can do it. xxx

Tuhlulah Wed 11-Dec-13 14:04:43

While you are waiting e-mail Women's Aid if you need to keep the line clear. If you have a clear line out then call them. It will keep the momentum going and stop you thinking about things. They will know how it is for you.

Go one my brave girl, do that next. Don't give yourself time to be afraid.
XX

Callani Wed 11-Dec-13 14:06:14

Pack you can do it - it seems scary because it is but you will have lots of support from the police and DV officer. What is scarier is staying in this awful relationship.

You are strong to have got this far, you are strong enough to do this.

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 14:06:59

I have got their email address I am going to email them now so I can stop thinking like this

Callani Wed 11-Dec-13 14:07:09

And if you're worried about what to say then read out what you've written here - tell them what you've told us and they will help you.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart Wed 11-Dec-13 14:07:18

You have taken the first and hardest step pack by calling 101. I am sure that the DV officer will put you at ease and then you will have some tangible RL support to help you through this difficult time plus more help from WA when you make contact with them.

Do you have a friend or a family member you could call and ask to be with you?

The adrenalin will be causing the physical symptoms you are experiencing so just acknowledge that they are your body's natural response to the situation you are in and not a sign that you are not coping or need to worry. Just breath through it and repeat to yourself that you are strong woman and you deserve better.

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 14:08:19

I don't have anyone in rl
I only want my mum but she has dementia and so I can't even talk to her

Tuhlulah Wed 11-Dec-13 14:14:52

No, because you are the person that everyone goes to. When you are free of the shitbag you will be able to heal yourself and take your time about finding a decent human being who is fit to be your partner. You can also find time to do sociable things where you can meet real life friends, because you won't be looking after the shitbag's mother at the weekend. You can spend nice time with DN.

Your life is waiting for you just round the next corner. You have had an awful time for the past few years but now you have at last become strong enough to look after yourself. Like they say in airplanes, when the oxygen mask comes down put your own on first before you try to help anyone else.

It's time to put your mask on.

You are doing so well. You need real life help and you made that call.

As Irish said, your body is running on adrenalin. You are in Fight-or-Flight mode, your body is on red alert. It's OK. It's normal.

Hi there Packup - you mentioned earlier in the thread that your sister doesn't like this man but you couldn't work out why and also that you haven't spoken to her about how he is with you. Do you think it might be because she had the measure of him for a while now and didn't want to say anything to you about it? Could she have picked up on how he was treating you and she wasn't going to mention it to you because she couldn't find a way to do that?

Could you phone her and explain that you're breaking up with him and you need her support?

If there are other underlying issues between you then perhaps the above isn't relevant but I'd pick up the phone and talk to her as she may be the very person who you need in your corner right now.

Wishing you the very best and all the strength in the world in getting through this.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart Wed 11-Dec-13 14:26:32

I am so sorry to hear about your mum. You have had a lot to get to grips with at such a young age. You really, really do deserve a better life than the one you currently have with this abusive arsehole.

As Tululah has said, if you can hang in there now and get through this you can be clear of him and free to find friends who will respect and cherish you for who you are. Life could be so much better. I wish I was in London, I would come and hold your hand like a shot.

JRmumma Wed 11-Dec-13 14:32:58

Yes you can do it, the hardest bit is halfway done already, you've made the decision to get out and started putting measures in place to protect yourself. Just keep in mind that by the end of the day you will have your support/safety network set up and you will have made the break from him and whilst it might not be all over in terms of any fallout, think of the rest of it as a clean up operation and start thinking about your future without him and hoe much better it will be.

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 14:33:06

I think that maybe my sister knew him before I did. But I don't know.
I could try to talk to my sisters or my brother but I have no idea where I'd start. I have 3 sisters and a brother and I am not close to anyone of them.
I don't know what to say I'm sorry I sound so pathetic

JRmumma Wed 11-Dec-13 14:36:09

I think if they are half decent people then they will want to help you in this situation. Even if they don't want to help you really have nothing to lose by asking. It may bring you closer.

Do you think you became distanced from your siblings because of your relationship with this man?

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 14:39:41

Yes I think so, i was close with them before, I have a twin sister who i just don't speak to any more .
I could try to but have no idea how I could say this I think they would blame me

Tuhlulah Wed 11-Dec-13 14:41:21

Oh my dear. You have been helping out one of them (parent of DN). Don't feel bad about asking for help.

You seem to think that everyone is entitled to ask for help from you -and get it- but you seem to believe that you are different because you are not allowed to ask for help, or deserve to be helped!

You tell them you need them to help you, that you are ending your long relationship with a man who has been abusing and scaring you for years, that you are very afraid. Once you start, it will all tumble out.

Do not think you are pathetic. You are clearly competent at work and respected. You are clearly kind hearted. You are clearly capable and mature enough to be entrusted with the care of DN. They may have their inklings that the shitbag is a complete c* but because you were not complaining they didn't interfere. There seems to be a presumption against interfering in people's relationships, so maybe they felt it was none of their business. Or maybe they have no idea.

Unless they hate you they will listen and try to help? Unless you try you won't know. I think you should give it a go.

XXXXX

LoisPuddingLane Wed 11-Dec-13 14:42:03

Maybe you could email your twin and explain what's been happening.

LoisPuddingLane Wed 11-Dec-13 14:43:52

Yes, I was going to say - you are a manager at a young age, which is to be applauded. Probably few people have told you what an achievement this is. But it really is.

Tuhlulah Wed 11-Dec-13 14:44:20

A twin sister and a brother! You've gone from having no one to having a sister and a brother! Fab. They will help you. How can they blame you -what have you done wrong? You were 17 when you got into this. I have got older socks than 17! You were a baby. You knew no better. Now you do.

Give them a chance. tell them you're sorry about not being in touch for a while, but that you desperately need them to help you.XXX

LoisPuddingLane Wed 11-Dec-13 14:50:55

I suspect the reason you've got no-one, or feel that you have no-one, is entirely down to your bloke separating you from all love and support you might once have got elsewhere. That's what blokes like him do.

Tuhlulah Wed 11-Dec-13 14:53:36

Packup, it's almost 3pm. I am concerned that time is passing and you haven't heard from the DV officer. Are you e-mailing or calling Women's Aid?

I am concerned that you are safe for this evening.

cjel Wed 11-Dec-13 14:58:00

Can you pick up the phone and text one of you sisters or brother and tell them you are having a panic attack waiting for DV unit to ring you because you are trying to leave P and just blurt it all out and see wht happens?

How do you feel now?

cafesociety Wed 11-Dec-13 14:58:53

pack It's time to reach out to your siblings. You have been so independent and responsible for a very long time but it's time to ask for help. I'm sure anyone humane will be there for you, and give you support during this time. It will probably bring you closer and be the start of a network to give you back up and assure you that you have done nothing to deserve what you have endured.

You have admirable qualities, have achieved a lot, done so much for other people and now it's your time - once you get away from the bully who has controlled your life so far. You sound kind and nurturing and deserve someone to appreciate you, and a life which makes you happy.

Please take all the help which is available to you from the agencies already mentioned and who can probably show you how to build new friends/contacts through support groups etc. This is your time now.

You can do this and please keep getting the support from MN. You need to get this lowlife out of your life....and get yourself back, have a peaceful life with your DN.

NettleTea Wed 11-Dec-13 15:00:03

you could always link this thread to any of them, or to WA, if you feel you dont wish to speak it out loud. Similarly when the 101 police come round, you could show them this thread.

NettleTea Wed 11-Dec-13 15:00:38

and I bet he had something to do with you not being as close to them as you were. another classic tactic - isolation

MrMeaner Wed 11-Dec-13 15:01:02

As a man I can't add to any of the great advice that you are getting here - in particular Talulah summed up his character very well.

What I can say is that this guy is an absolute disgrace, coward, awful excuse for a human being and is so abusive that it's difficult to explain how much. Normal people are not like that - you sound lovely and caring and deserve something good and wonderful.

You are doing the right thing, please don't be swayed by all his false promises to change, he never meant it bla bla.

Stay strong and good luck.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart Wed 11-Dec-13 15:27:25

Unless your siblings are totally toxic and there is a very good reason you haven't been in contact with them (ie they are destructive, grossly unreliable, cruel and not the kind of people you want/need in your life) then reach out to them for help.

If they blame you in any way for this situation or are reluctant to help then they clearly aren't made from the same solid stuff you are. If they are as caring as you then hopefully they will be a great support.

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 15:36:51

I have spoken to womens aid
They have suggested a plan of action
Involving having everything set up and done before I tell him it's over and to make sure I don't do it face to face
Have not spoken to dv officer yet but I missed some calls on private I might phone 101 to find out of it was them.
Thank you all for the kindness and amazing advice
I am very scared also feel a bit numb
Can't stop crying and can't calm down sorry for typos
I may try to speak to my sister but it's all just so complicated
Thank you all

You are so brave. Rooting for you from the sidelines.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart Wed 11-Dec-13 15:47:41

So glad to hear you have spoken to Womens Aid and they have given you guidance. Have they advised anything about where to stay tonight or changing the locks at your place?

You have done so well Pack.

Tuhlulah Wed 11-Dec-13 15:53:47

Well done Packup. You have done so well today. Now you need to make sure you are safe tonight.

You are probably a bit tired now, aren't you, and you need to eat something real.

Try your sister or brother. Complicated or not you need help. Give them a chance.

Are you feeling up to chasing the DV unit?

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 16:03:28

They have said the dv officer will be able to help with changing locks etc,
They said the same thing that a poster on here said- that the police will be able to put an alert on or something, I think maybe they did that when I first phoned, they were very helpful. A policeman called and said that they want someone to come out and take a statement from me.
The womens aid person said that I should go with my idea of staying in a hotel after I have told him. I might ask one of my colleagues if I can stay at her house as she has asked me similar in the past
I am still feeling really panicky and trying to calm down isn't helping atm but I am trying.
I'm not sure what to do next now.

Tuhlulah Wed 11-Dec-13 16:13:22

Well, let's see where you are.

You have seen shitbag this morning and he thinks something is up. He texts and calls and you have ignored him, so I expect he will think about turning up at your place tonight, or may even be there when you get in, unless you know he is elsewhere.

The police now know what's going on, but the door isn't secure. I don't think you can stay there until you can guarantee you can keep him out.

Women's Aid have suggested you create a plan before you tell him. But he knows something is wrong, so time is short.

Your first step -and I hope other posters who have been through this will come in now- is to keep yourself safe tonight.

Is there someone who can take you home to get clothes, etc? Staying at a hotel or a colleagues would be great -you need company tonight!!

Then would you anticipate him turning up at work?

Tomorrow, sort out the bank. But locks on the door first. Then tell whoever you know that you have split up with him, and that you have involved agencies.

the you text him -say you don't want to see him again and won't be caring for his mother.

My goodness what a long way you have come from this time yesterday, I cannot say enough how much I admire you for all this. You are very brave. You haven't dithered. You did it. So well done.

XXXXXX

ModernToss Wed 11-Dec-13 16:16:03

Just want to wish you luck and courage.

You are so young. Bite the bullet and get through this next bit - admittedly difficult and scary - and you will have your whole life ahead of you.

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 16:41:08

I am home now, I have contacted a locksmith because I don't want to wait around and I don't want him to be able to get in. I'm waiting for the locksmith to come out.
Then I'm going to try to get my stuff together, and go to a hotel. Then I will text him to tell him and turn my phone off.
My sister said she can have my nephew this week and weekend, but I didn't manage to speak to her about what is going on I just felt like it was too much.

I'm so scared but I know I need this, not next week or next month but today while I still feel like this.
Thank you for all your support again because I wouldn't have been able to see things for what they really are without you.

cafesociety Wed 11-Dec-13 16:55:03

Your action and determination is admirable and you are doing the right thing at this time when you are fired up to seize the day. This is going to liberate you and empower you and be the start of a new life.

I hope the lock is now changed. I hope you have company tonight, I would take up your colleagues offer of help, if not find a safe and comfortable place to be tonight and don't be afraid of getting support via phone calls, internet etc.

Your sister has come up trumps and I'm sure when you talk to her you will find a good friend and support there. Good luck, lots of strength to you x

something2say Wed 11-Dec-13 17:03:44

You've done amazingly.

All you need is some pjs, clean pants, work clothes. Washing stuff. Phone and charger. Money.

Tell the people at home, ask someoe to get the keys cut for everyone.

Make sure you know the hotel you go to so you can tell the officers if they want to come and see you tonight.

When you tell him make sure you say that the police are involved and if he does anything you will call them again.

No matter where you go, for now you need your phone close at hand. Just for the next three months or so.

It is really important to not answer any of his messages no matter what he says. In fact, the more you stand back, the more you see Jekyll and Hyde behaviour.

Once the police have been you will know more about what they plan to do. They will see what crimes they have and decid whether they can make a charge stick or not. I hope they do in your case.

From there it's all about how you then stay safe. When will you go home do you think? Just don't take any chances for a good while. Don't engage with any of his friends.

As for his family, how close are you? These wider relationships have to be factored in.

Also how can you get out of the money thing? I would take the crime ref numbers to the lender and ask to be taken off the loans.

Well done x choose a hotel with a Telly and wifi if poss x

chaosagain Wed 11-Dec-13 17:04:17

Packup, what a big and courageous step. What you've achieved is a giant stride away from baby steps.. I really admire your courage. In my experience, some of the best things in life have been the scariest at the outset.

The rest of your life starts here. Think about reconnecting with your siblings, if you think any of those relationships might offer you support. It's common in abusive relationships to become isolated from your family and friends. I hope you'd be pleasantly surprised in how they respond.

You do so much for other people. You care for your DN, your ex's mum, you have a managerial role in your work.

You might not FEEL capable but everything you DO says otherwise. Have faith in yourself. The road ahead might not be the easiest in the short term, but it's worth it and you really can do it.

Keep posting here if it's useful. I'm one of many wishing you well and thinking of you..

something2say Wed 11-Dec-13 17:05:33

And take it step by step. These are all the things you have to do, but take them nice and steady x well done x

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 17:19:24

The locksmith has just called and he is about half an hour away.
It is just me and my nephew who live here so no one else to give keys to.
I am close to his mum, and his one sister. I am going to change my number after all of this is over. I am going to arrange with social services to get an assessment for his mum- I am lucky in that I work closely with social services for my job and so I should be able to speak to the right people quite quickly.
I have packed a bag and am about to book a hotel. Could someone please help me with the wording of my text to him? I have no clue how to do it.
Thank you all again

Tuhlulah Wed 11-Dec-13 17:39:08

Packup, you have packed up and left him! Well done! I am so impressed with you. You have done the hardest thing. As someone else said, the rest is clearance now.

Talk to your sister and make sure your DN knows why he isn't going to be with you for a while, so he doesn't feel rejected. Please speak to your siblings.

Re the text. I don't know. Short and simple. Do no be tempted to reply to any of his nonsense. I have never dumped anyone by text so I don't know.

How about: Our relationship is over and I don't want to see you again. I have involved the police. You will need to find your mother a carer as I will not be doing this anymore. Please do not contact me again. I will report any threatening behaviour or contact to the police and I will take out an injunction against you if you come near me again.

Something like that.

I take my hat off to you. I am so impressed.

XXXXX

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 18:09:08

The locksmith is here now but. Have just got a text from partner being really aggressive, am quite worried he will come here but just hoping and praying that he won't come before I've left, I am ready to leave as soon as the locks are done though.
Honestly I wouldn't have been around today without the support you've all given me today, everything everyone of you has helped so much

CailinDana Wed 11-Dec-13 18:30:20

How are you doing?

SoleSorceress Wed 11-Dec-13 18:35:15

Oh this is one of the best things you will have ever done. so proud of you

WE ARE HERE

ALL DAY, ALL NIGHT

X

crikeybill Wed 11-Dec-13 18:41:16

Wow pack up you have been so brave and done so well. You are right though, you need to seize the moment now while you still have the drive and the courage. Otherwise he will manipulate and twist the situation and before you know it 20 years have passed..... Sadly I know.

God luck my love and keep talking. We are right here x x

MerryFuckingChristmas Wed 11-Dec-13 18:41:50

I missed all this as I am only just back from work. I have followed you from your other first thread (under a different name, I directed you here)

You are so clear and so strong, and yes, so brave. You knew all along this wasn't right, you just needed to admit it to yourself. Take any offers from your family/colleagues of a place to stay/shoulder to cry on. If you were my colleague I would be there like a shot.

If your ex turns up anywhere you are...call the police. Your situation is flagged now, they will take you seriously. Stay strong and stay focused, you can do this. You sound utterly capable and utterly mature for a youngster (I am old enough to be your mum, sorry) and you will have a better life than the one you have had for the last few years.

JRmumma Wed 11-Dec-13 18:42:51

Well done Pack. If he turns up whilst the locksmith is there at least you will have someone with you. Leave as soon as he goes. Don't text until you are away from your house and i think keep it short and sweet for now. For example "relationship is over and i do not want you to contact me again" you could also add that he needs to make some formal care arrangements for his mother as you are unable to continue doing that from now.

Not sure if you might want to put something about why it is over but another more wise poster might be able to advise you on that. Mention the police are involved if you feel it is necessary for your safety.

notonmyplanet Wed 11-Dec-13 18:43:19

Packup, de-lurking to say well done, so pleased to see how far you have come in such a short space of time.

LoisPuddingLane Wed 11-Dec-13 18:53:32

Bloody hell girl, you are brave. I really admire you.

If your EX (he's your ex now, or soon to be!) does turn up with all the aggression before you leave, do not hesitate to call the police. For once, put you first. You and your safety, and your future.

Preciousbane Wed 11-Dec-13 19:04:48

Just found your thread and have seen you have got brilliant advice. I was in a similar position to you, with a man from age 17 who was violent and I ended up staying with him for 11 years. I'm away 19 years now and married to a really lovely man.

I would suggest you do something with your phone as he may very well harass you via texts and calls .At the very least turn it off temporarily and consider changing your number.

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 19:13:07

Hi everyone I have made it to the hotel there is wifi and apparently security all night so that's good if he did turn up
I have spoken to my nephew he sounds very happy went for a mcdonalds with his mum which is a big treat! And is now at her house watching a film.
I have turned my phone off but I called police and gave them my work number and told them where I am, they are being very good.
I am shaky and scared, I saw him when I was driving away and he didn't see me but it has made it all hit home.
I am not brave at all but I am being given the most amazing advice on here, it is a safety net when I didn't have any security at all, and is much needed.
I spoke to the director and he has agreed that I can do my visits as and when I can, for the next week. I was meant to be on a two day visit at one of our settings but I have cancelled that for now.
I'm not sure what I need to do now. I'm not ready to text him, I have no idea how or what to say. I keep having panic attacks, I am finding this bit the most difficult of all
I can't thank you all enough

LoisPuddingLane Wed 11-Dec-13 19:19:41

You really are brave. Even if you don't think so! And you don't have to text him right now. Wait till you are ready.

SoleSorceress Wed 11-Dec-13 19:21:27

So he has a key and usually at your house tonight? When you spotted him was he heading towards your house?

The DV officer should be able to advise you of what to write in a text to him.

Can anybody help to write a text to him.

he, him = cunty

LoisPuddingLane Wed 11-Dec-13 19:25:10

The lock's been changed so he won't be able to get in.

I think keep the text simple.

Our relationship is over. Please do not contact me again.

NettleTea Wed 11-Dec-13 19:25:15

well done, you are amazing. I would suggest ringing the police and letting them know you saw him heading to your house, just in case he tries to break in. The DV officer is there for you to talk to, as would WA if you need to speak to them.
Really really brave, however scared you feel.

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 19:25:36

Not usually but I think he was trying to find me, he doesn't have a key anymore because I changed the locks and the trade button to the entrance of the flats doesn't work after 6pm. I will text him, eventually when I can think of what to say- I am so scared of it and didn't realise how terrified I actually am of him
I like the cunty reference tbh!

LoisPuddingLane Wed 11-Dec-13 19:27:07

Or you could just not text him. Changing the lock and not returning his calls is one way of saying "it's OVER sunshine".

NettleTea Wed 11-Dec-13 19:27:31

agree keep it short and to the point, with nowhere to involve any wriggle room, no place for discussion or persuasion.
You are allowed to end a relationship if you are not happy. Thats all you need to know. He may not want it ended, but that doesnt mean you have to do what he says, or need his permission.

YoDiggity Wed 11-Dec-13 19:30:39

Don't get pregnant again with this man. Just don't.

NettleTea Wed 11-Dec-13 19:31:51

I would text him, just so you can tell him not to contact you. That way if he continues to bombard you with texts and emails/calls (as he will) you can clearly show that you asked him not to, and that makes getting an injunction for harrassment/to keep away from you all the simpler. He cannot say that he didnt know the score. Otherwise he can say he was worried/thought she might have harmed herself/make up all kinds of shit. Best be short and totally to the point. I know that sick feeling of fear and shaking so much you cant type/send it. But he cannot hurt you down through the phone, and if he is nasty then you can get help to make sure he cannot come near you again, ever. you just need to press 'send'

SoleSorceress Wed 11-Dec-13 19:35:05

however you feel, upset, want him back do not go back I beg of you.

Post it here

Lots of us have experienced all of your thoughts and emotions, you're not to feel you can't get support for however you feel x

SoleSorceress Wed 11-Dec-13 19:36:25

I agree with #Nettles. Short to the point, gets your wants over to him, do not text back and keep text as record for Police etc

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 19:41:24

Ok I've written this out :
'I don't want to be with you, and I told the police that I don't want you to contact me. If you do I will tell them.'

Is that all I need to say? I can't think straight at all

LoisPuddingLane Wed 11-Dec-13 19:42:36

Sounds all right to me, although I'm no expert.

SoleSorceress Wed 11-Dec-13 19:43:21

The relationship between is over

Do not contact me via any method

If you do the Police will be informed about you again

Then ignore

SoleSorceress Wed 11-Dec-13 19:43:51

*us

Jux Wed 11-Dec-13 19:43:53

I think Lois' suggested text is fine. Our relationship is over. Please do not contact me again.

Succinct and to the point. Leaves him in no doubt.

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 19:45:29

Ok thank you
'Its over, I don't want you to contact me again, or I will call the police'

I'm going to send it then turn my phone off again

LoisPuddingLane Wed 11-Dec-13 19:48:06

Deep breath!

cjel Wed 11-Dec-13 19:52:09

Well done Pack, I hope you have got something to eat and feel a bit less stressed?
Please ring or email your siblings tonight. You need to have a hug! At least a person who knows what you are going through.xx

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 19:52:42

I did it he's going to go crazy

SoleSorceress Wed 11-Dec-13 19:53:41

Is the hotel nice?

SoleSorceress Wed 11-Dec-13 19:54:32

How long will you stay at the hotel for do you think?

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 19:54:36

I can't eat now I haven't been able to all day

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 19:55:27

I have booked in for 3 nights but I don't know

SoleSorceress Wed 11-Dec-13 19:58:03

Drink milk if you can at least, order a sandwich

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 19:59:05

I can't calm down

SoleSorceress Wed 11-Dec-13 20:00:26

What are you imagining him doing?

cjel Wed 11-Dec-13 20:01:06

What do you think you need to get calm Pack?

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 20:04:07

I am trying to deep breathe it is getting a little bit better I think
I don't know what he could do atm he can't do anything
I don't know I'm sorry

something2say Wed 11-Dec-13 20:05:50

It's alright sweetheart x I kno that feeling where the ground might open and swallow you up x just well done x can you get into bed and turn the tv on and let the blurb slowly help you climb down?

cjel Wed 11-Dec-13 20:08:36

Well done. remember to breathe out more than you breath in!! Breathing in too much can cause the panic feelings.

Anything at all that you can eat will be great. Is there anything on the room services you could take - maybe a milky drink?
What do you like on the tv?

smudgedgraffiti Wed 11-Dec-13 20:10:26

Hi OP I don't usually post on the relationship threads as other posts are much better at giving advice than me. But I just wanted to come on and say you are being amazing, and strong, and very brave.

So let him get mad - you are safe, and he can not get into your flat.

Please try to eat something - get a chocolate bar, anything - and try to get some sleep tonight. Do one nice thing for yourself - a big hot bath, some tv, pop out and get a trashy magazine?

Then tomorrow morning start the first day of the rest of your life - you are free, and you can write down what you need to do next.

Continue deep breathing for now.

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 20:22:18

I'm really scared to move or turn on the tv
There's a man in the next room
I don't know my breathing is better though
I feel so shaky and like I need someone to talk to so I can hear someone say it will b ok but I don't think I can face calling my sister
I don't know how to make it better but I have written down a list of why I am doing this and reading it when I get wobbly and it is helping the breathing I think

Matildathecat Wed 11-Dec-13 20:23:56

Well done! What a long way you've come in one day.

Quick thought, have you transferred your money out of your joint account and called them to ensure no money can be removed from the account?

Also, just beware that he will now, in all probability turn on the tears then a charm offensive. Please, please anticipate this so you can mentally check this off as typical Abusive Shit behaviour. Of course hopefully you won't have further contact but just in case do keep this in mind.

Have a bath, a glass of wine and relax. Sleep well. Breathe.x

CookieLady Wed 11-Dec-13 20:24:12

Well done. What you did takes courage.

On a different note, Op, do you have an iPhone? If so, check that you don't have find my iPhone app on it as he could locate you using that. Don't mean to scare you but better safe than sorry.

SoleSorceress Wed 11-Dec-13 20:25:33

Lock the door, put the TV on, enjoy your room/space. Just breathe in and out deeply, listen to some music on Youtube.

Why are you scared of the man next door? x

cjel Wed 11-Dec-13 20:25:43

Would it help to have the radio or TV on in the background so you don't hear the man next to you?
Get up and walk towards the tv -it will be ok.

TheVermiciousGrinch Wed 11-Dec-13 20:26:22

You are doing brilliantly, really. Take it one day at a time. You are safe for now - I assume he has no way of knowing where you are? Try and get a good night's sleep, you will feel better in the morning.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Wed 11-Dec-13 20:28:06

Well done. You are in a safe place now. Do whatever may help you now: warm bath/TV, make sure you get some food, liquid or solid, watching some numb TV, check online for yoga/meditation video, make a list of what you'd like to do, etc.

Keep talking to RL people. Concentrate on people who help you, not bring you down.

Breathe in/breathe out.

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 20:29:15

I have an iPhone but my personal phone is off at the moment and he doesn't have the work phone number even though it is an iPhone but it doesn't have that app
He moved the money out of the joint account when I put it in there on 29th of November so I don't have it anymore anyway, I won't put any more in there and I will close it if I can . The man is loud it is scaring me a bit but I have locked the door
The man has no reason to come and knock does he ?

chaosagain Wed 11-Dec-13 20:30:23

Try not to worry about anyone next door, he'll probably never see you and he probably isn't paying any attention to who is next door.

Breathe deep and slow. Count to 4 as you breathe out, then 4 while you breathe in. Keep doing just the breathing and counting. When you can, make it 5 or 6, always the same for the out and in breath. Think about nothing else but making your breathing as slow as possible.

Try and have a hot sweet drink (hot chocolate or tea) and then try something to eat later. You are doing so well to have come this far..

Keep posting. There's lots of us with you in spirit tonight.

TheHammaconda Wed 11-Dec-13 20:32:25

Packup, well done. You've done brilliantly.

Google 'progressive muscle relaxation'. It helps me calm down when I'm tense.

You have done so, so well. Be proud of yourself.

cjel Wed 11-Dec-13 20:34:05

You are not in danger from anyone where you are. There is noone who is coming to harm you You are safe.
The fear is a trick of your mind, it is not the reality.
Have you spoken to anyone in RL yet?

TheHammaconda Wed 11-Dec-13 20:37:41

Just one thing to add. Do you have the details for the loans? Can you let them know that you are no longer liable for payments?

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 20:37:57

I tried to call my sister she sent my ca to busy I'm not going to try again
I am breathing a lot better now thank you for the tips
I want to be able to hear what's happening so I don't want to put any sound on I have made tea
Sorry I am being so pathetic

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 20:39:23

I looked at the loan agreement and I (really really stupidly) signed as the guarantor, so I am liable for future payments (if he doesn't make them, which he won't and hasn't been)
I know how stupid I am for doing that

SoleSorceress Wed 11-Dec-13 20:40:32

You are not being pathetic I guess you see all men as a threat. Totally normal and IT WILL pass x

cjel Wed 11-Dec-13 20:42:02

There is no way you are pathetic, You are amazing!!!flowers from me heresmile. Well done for the tea. Have a biscuit dunked in it!!!! put something on quietly in the background. You will still be able to hear whats going on and the distraction will be good for you.

Send your sister a txt and she will get it when she ready. It'll be your first step to letting them all know how brave you arexxx

SoleSorceress Wed 11-Dec-13 20:42:07

Not stupid, paying back the loan is the better than paying with your soul to be with a 'man' that treats you like you are nothing

something2say Wed 11-Dec-13 20:43:17

Why not put the Telly on with the sound off? And just sit there wrapped up in bed and write stuff down about what he did, stories you have, things that bothered you. You will eventually get tired.

I don't like the sound of that man at all. Can you ring reception and ask someone to speak to him? Don't answer the door at all tho. If it gets worse ask to be moved to a new room.

But just also, you have done so well. It will all be ok I promise. What will happen now is that one day will stretch onto the next and you will get a new version of normal. You will go out more, have more money, more friends and more fun. Spring will come and then summer. You will look back on this one day. You have so done the right thing, the only thing. Men like that are bad news. How dare he? But don't expect to be over it quickly. It is so important to find a way of processing it, mainly thro getting it out there and thinking it all through. X not yet tho, for now just get through the night x we are here x I am not far away from you x

chaosagain Wed 11-Dec-13 20:44:05

Your door is locked, you are safe. You might find that listening to all the sounds around you is feeding your fear. Perhaps try the telly on low, you can turn it off again if you don't find it a helpful distraction.

You 're not pathetic at all. You've been brave and decisive today, you've done huge things. You must be exhausted.

Did you think any more about talking to your colleague?

cjel Wed 11-Dec-13 20:47:58

Something - The man next door is just loud!!! He is not a danger at all< Probably just that the walls are not soundproofed. Its common in hotels!!

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 20:48:04

I don't know if I was clear sorry I didn't mean to be a drama queen I got a bit scared when I realised it was a man next door he hasn't done anything I was just worried in case he knocked or something.
I don't think I can talk to my colleague , I just want to forget this happened I know that's probably a bit unrealistic though.
Sorry about my typing I am not seeing very straight atm. I am in bed doing some work admin to calm me down a bit as it is normal, everyday stuff.

NettleTea Wed 11-Dec-13 20:49:37

try to talk to the loan company - explain what has happened. SOMETIMES they are really nice. OR later, CAB sometimes can intervene on things like this. dont pay any company to do this though, you are bright enough to sort it yourself.
and a HUGE well done...
second texting your sister.
also now is time to draw up your 'Break Up Bingo' chart in bright neon colours, ready to tick off all his abusive tactics - it distracts and makes a mockery of what he will try to do, and stops you listening properly and being drawn back in.....

cjel Wed 11-Dec-13 20:51:06

thats good to hear that you are able to do work. Its sounding as though with tea and work you are really doing well for your such a short start to your new life.xxx

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 20:51:41

Nettle I think I will google that again and make the chart ., I kind of hope he won't talk to me but I know that he will try at least

chaosagain Wed 11-Dec-13 20:52:34

He has no reason to knock at all. I've stayed in hotels for years for work, sometimes 3 or 4 nights a week for a month at a time and no random other guest ever knocked on my door.

Well done on the admin. Do whatever you need to feel as ok as possible and that helps you rest.

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 20:52:45

Cjel it is kind of mind numbing if you know what I mean? It is something I do every day and so is easy on my mind, it is calming me down x thank you

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 20:53:31

Thank you chaos It is just the voice being so close but I can also hear a woman's voice now so it feels a bit safer

cjel Wed 11-Dec-13 20:55:36

Yes I do, I find I put the tv on and then read!! I get through a couple of hours an hadn't realised it. You sound so much better alreadyx

MerryFuckingChristmas Wed 11-Dec-13 20:55:55

Never mind the loan money for now. A small price to pay in the big picture. You can get some advice on that in the New Year. Just look after no.1 for now.

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 20:56:41

Yes I feel positive actually still a bit shaky and it all feels slightly unreal again but I feel better that I haven't had to be at his house again tonight

cjel Wed 11-Dec-13 20:58:56

Right - now you say you feel a bit better, I'm going to put on my bossy mummy hat and be firmer about the fact you haven't eaten, What are you going to do about that????

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 21:02:07

Haha that made me smile smile
I will maybe get some toast, I have never used room service though and not sure how although there is a book which would probably have stuff like that in there?
Thank you x

cjel Wed 11-Dec-13 21:04:02

Yes usually, or I think you can just pick up the phone and they can put you through?

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 21:06:13

Ok I will try it,
I am having stupid thoughts about self harm, I am going to run cold water onto my wrists it usually helps a little

Sorry I am finding it helps to write what I am thinkng and what to do next and then I can read back what I've written when I can't think straight, and feels like I have 'told' someone iyswim

cjel Wed 11-Dec-13 21:08:11

I have books and books of journals, I used to spend hours writing everything down,what did room service say? Have you self harmed before?

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 21:10:31

I have a diary atm but I am struggling to write properly in it fr some reason,
I will try room service in a bit at the moment I'm trying to calm down again, I have been self harming for about 12 years now but I'm trying to stop it, I was seeing a psychotherapist but I wasn't allowed to go to appointments

LoisPuddingLane Wed 11-Dec-13 21:10:35

I slept in a B&B one time and the only other guests was a party of blokes who had come for a fishing trip. Boozing and fishing. All night I could hear them snoring and farting, it was rank.

Men do make a lot of noise, and they probably don't even realise it.

Your ok, Pack, you're safe. And so far from pathetic - one day when you are a grandma you can tell your grandaughters about your big escape.

chaosagain Wed 11-Dec-13 21:12:36

You are telling people, there's lots of us here. We're with you. I'm also in London and am beaming you thoughts of strength wherever you are.

The book will tell you about room service but you can also just ring and ask reception (usually dial 0).

Distracting yourself from self harm sounds good. Might a mantra help? Something positive and simple to say over and over to yourself? Something like 'This is the first day of being free' or 'I'm doing fine and soon I'll feel great'. It can be anything, but make sure it's positive. Say it out loud, even if it's just a whisper. Repeating it is really important. Keep repeating it.

You're doing amazingly and you are going to be more than alright, it will just take a little time. Keep breathing and think about what food you might be able to eat..

cjel Wed 11-Dec-13 21:12:50

Is it the book that you can't write in or the fact that you couldn't write in anything at the moment? Do you have a safe way of self harming? (And I haven't forgotten your foodsmile)

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 21:17:31

I think I am having an asthma attack, I can feel my chest tightening and I didn't bring my inhaler
I am going to go to reception if it doesn't get a bit better and see if they can help so if I stop posting I am still ok
Sorry and thank you so muc again

Tuhlulah Wed 11-Dec-13 21:18:50

Hi Packup,

You have done so well. What a woman!

Call reception -it's usually 0- and ask to be put through to room service; then ask them what they can send you up. Eat, you'll feel better because an empty stomach won't help you.

The guy next door is just a guest in the hotel, no threat to you.

You are safe for tonight now. Relax. No forced sex, no being scared, no anger, no pandering, no being told that what you throughout/heard/said was different to how you really thought it was.

Will be not be scared when he reads text and sees you have contacted the police -would that not make him keep his distance. After all, we have established that he is a little cowardly bully who can't even cook food for himself or his mother. God help his next victim but you are free.

Dont worry about the loans. You were always going to pay them anyway. Don't worry about the money because however much he has had from you it was cheap at twice the price to get rid of the little prick. Worry about that after the NEw year, as someone else said.

Distract yourself from the self harming if you can. If the urge gets bad can you try the rubber band thing -putting the band tight on the wrist and twanging it? It's not nice but better than cutting?

Have a nice bath -did they give you toiletries? Long hot soak. Think about something nice you can do with DN over the Christmas holiday. About something you can buy him.

Or text your sister.

But don't feel pushed to do anything you don't want -you have come such a long way today. You saved your own life. You are entitled to have a rest. XXXX

TheHammaconda Wed 11-Dec-13 21:19:35

Not stupid at all. Try contacting the loan company/ies and let them know that the relationship has ended and that you no longer want to act as guarantor. Ask them if they can help you out at all. Tell them that you will not guarantee any further funds on that loan.

They might be able to help. You won't know unless you ask.

LoisPuddingLane Wed 11-Dec-13 21:19:41

Take care. The hotel should have details of out of hours doctors.

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 21:23:50

Am going to try to sleep instead, as I thin it might be part of the panic attack, (I am so indecisive right now!)
Thank you all again
I hope I can keep posting in this thread, I don't want to be annoying to anyone x

chaosagain Wed 11-Dec-13 21:24:29

Great that you have a plan to get help if you need it. Focus on breathing as calmly as you can and see how you're doing.

LoisPuddingLane Wed 11-Dec-13 21:26:47

You aren't annoying anyone. We are all amazed at your courage.

Tuhlulah Wed 11-Dec-13 21:27:36

It's your thread lovey, you post as often as you want. You have a secure fanbase now. 'Packup, the incredible escaping woman'.

Try to slow doen the breathing. If you think it's asthma, you can go to A and E. Do you have a paper bag to breath into slowly?

XXXXX

chaosagain Wed 11-Dec-13 21:28:18

You're not being annoying to anyone. Rest sounds like a good plan, lovely, but keep posting if it helps you.

MerryFuckingChristmas Wed 11-Dec-13 21:38:55

You are not remotely annoying

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 21:39:03

I am much calmer now
I'm in bed and lying down I am listening to the sounds from outside it is a big road and the cars are calming noises
I feel bad about what I am dojng to him but I know I need to look out for myself

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 21:39:33

And thank you all so much

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 21:39:36

And thank you all so much

smudgedgraffiti Wed 11-Dec-13 21:40:06

Sleep is a great idea. And do keep posting for as long as it helps you, there is nearly always someone here to hold your hand.

Well done and get some well earned sleep flowers

cjel Wed 11-Dec-13 21:42:49

You haven't annoyed me either. Sounds nice and cosy where you are, glad tight chest is 'only panic'!! not asthma. Am guessing its toast for breakfast not supper then?grinxx

Tuhlulah Wed 11-Dec-13 21:44:08

Yeah, you've done a really bad thing to the raping controlling boyfriend whose mother you care for better then him, whose loan you guarantee and pay off. You have deprived him of his punchbag. You have deprived him of his meal ticket.

I think you may have breached one of his fundamental human rights there!

I just wish he was somewhere thinking about the bad things he has done to you, but he won't be.

You just take care of you. Try to sleep. X

livingzuid Wed 11-Dec-13 21:44:19

pack oh my goodness you are amazing. Look at what you have achieved in such a short space of time.

Echo what others have said about the loan, not important right now. Cold water is a great idea to not self harm, try to keep as distracted as possible. Just keep posting here, this serves as its own form of therapy.

Focus on all the police things you have done and all the lovely things that you would like to do but haven't yet. Don't worry about the man next door he doesn't know who you are or that you are there.

Please keep us updated if you can. None of this is your fault remember. You sound like a lovely strong woman and you will get through this.

SoleSorceress Wed 11-Dec-13 21:45:36

This thread is YOURS

Yes, you will feel bad doesn't mean you should or that your feeling is bad or wrong you'll feel all sorts. Tell us smile x

livingzuid Wed 11-Dec-13 21:46:25

Oops cross posted. Sleep is also excellent! But you can post as much and as long as you like. Not at all annoying. Sleep well smile

Packupyourtroubles Wed 11-Dec-13 21:53:19

I am going to sleep because my mind is running at a million miles an hour and I need to stop thinking now, I am starting to panic again and I'm exhausted,
I have some of my sleeping tablets with me so I will take one of then.
Thank you for all your support everyone I know I keep saying it but I feel secure,
I am just thinking that 24 hours ago I saw no way out and here I am away from him.
Thank you, I will update you tomorrow x

Inertia Wed 11-Dec-13 21:58:45

Late to your thread Packup, but you have done an amazing job.

In terms of thinking of next practical steps I think you need to speak to the bank very urgently about how to go about severing all financial ties- perhaps also find out whether there's a way to get some kind of severance notice lodged with credit-checking agencies so he cannot take out any further loans linked to you? You do need professional advice about this.

Hope you get some sleep.

Preciousbane Wed 11-Dec-13 22:04:59

I hope you get some sleep. Maybe put some music on, let us know how you are and if you do wake in the night there is always someone on line on MN.

Jux Wed 11-Dec-13 22:11:20

You are safe, love. The man is doing his own thing and isn't bothered about who is in the next room. Just put the tv on and use it for company a bit and distraction. Actually, I'm hoping you're asleep now - as I shall be soon grin

I am angry that he wouldn't let you go to the psychotherapist, but maybe you could get that reinstated some time? You're free to do whatever you like now.

TheHammaconda Wed 11-Dec-13 22:11:48

Sleep well. Keep posting.

Don't feel bad about what you're doing to him. You haven't shaken him, destroyed his self confidence, eroded his self-esteem, isolated him from his friends and family, forced him to have an abortion, forced him to have sex against his will, required him to look after members of your family while he holds down a full time job, spent a third of his income, taken out loans knowing he'll repay them. You have nothing to feel bad about.

Night, night

cjel Wed 11-Dec-13 22:14:09

goodnight sweet dreamsxx

livingzuid Wed 11-Dec-13 22:17:37

Nice things not police things doh. I am off to sleep too. Hope you are sleeping now and get a good night's rest. Everything will be ok.

chaosagain Wed 11-Dec-13 22:27:49

I hope you're sleeping, pack up. You must be exhausted. You are free to feel and say whatever you want to - this is your space. But I sincerely hope that your guilt doesn't last long. He's done much worse to you and he is responsible for him, not you.
Xx

43percentburnt Thu 12-Dec-13 00:06:37

Night night, you are doing so very well.

chaosagain Thu 12-Dec-13 08:25:08

Morning, Packup. How did you sleep? How are you doing?

cjel Thu 12-Dec-13 08:54:43

Morning, Hope you are ok this morning.? and that you had peaceful night.(toast yet!!)

Packupyourtroubles Thu 12-Dec-13 10:00:46

Morning I am feeling very shaky today , I didn't sleep much but I am glad I came to the hotel. I'm not hungry but I've arranged to meet the dv officer, but it means I have to go back to my area, I am a bit worried but should be ok.
Thank you everyone x

something2say Thu 12-Dec-13 10:03:56

OK when you go back, have your phone in hand. If you see him, get to a public place like a shop and ring the police. They will come and meet you there. You don't have to see him, listen to him, speak to him or anything x

Packupyourtroubles Thu 12-Dec-13 10:12:45

I'm scared,
I look so shit as well I can't make my face look normal, I know it's small but I can't stop thinking about it

livingzuid Thu 12-Dec-13 11:00:13

You are so brave. And doing the right thing. You can always keep posting here as well. Let us know how you get on.

Packupyourtroubles Thu 12-Dec-13 11:03:20

I can't face going to talk to the dv officer, I will reschedule it
I need to calm down

SoleSorceress Thu 12-Dec-13 11:09:07

Hi Pack

Has he contacted you?

DownstairsMixUp Thu 12-Dec-13 11:16:52

you are doing so well OP, even if you think you aren't. Please try and go see the DV officer. How are you holding up at the moment?

Packupyourtroubles Thu 12-Dec-13 11:21:33

I haven't turned my phone on yet
I was meant to be at the station at 11 I can't go
I feel sick and shaky and he's going to be so so angry

Monbrow89 Thu 12-Dec-13 11:27:18

But you don't need to fear or face him anymore. Your being unbelievably strong and you've come so far already.

LoisPuddingLane Thu 12-Dec-13 11:31:17

Monbrow is right, you don't need to face him anymore. You've got a new lock on your front door so you never even have to answer the door to him. It might be worth, if you haven't already got one, getting a spyhole installed in the front door, so you can see who is out there. Or at the very least a chain on the door so that if it's.

He is going to be very angry, but you do not have to deal with his anger. Or explain yourself. Or engage with him in any way. I want you to be clear about this - ending the relationship means you have no further obligation to him. None.

LoisPuddingLane Thu 12-Dec-13 11:32:20

"so that if it's him you can close the door" - that should have said!

livingzuid Thu 12-Dec-13 11:35:11

pack so sorry about the panic attack. He can't hurt you any more. You never need to see him or talk to him again. His anger is irrelevant now to your life. Remember you have done/are doing nothing wrong.

I hope you manage to talk to someone in RL. The DV officer will understand if you feel the need to reschedule. I don't know about these things but can they come to a location you feel more secure about or can you give WA another call?

Don't be hard on yourself. You are doing so well. Try and see if there is something nice you can do such as have a coffee and slice of cake somewhere safe.

cafesociety Thu 12-Dec-13 11:48:44

You need support today. Can you phone WA again for help, can a DV officer come to you?
Can you talk to your sister, or text her. Can you phone the Samaritans just to talk, or could you email them to offload how you are feeling? Keep posting on here. Can your colleague meet up with you? Don't be afraid to ask for some support. You need it, you deserve it.

You will be ok, the anxiety should ease as the days go by, if not go to the GP. Take small steps, get through the next hour, through the afternoon, through the evening. Distract yourself, treat yourself, don't forget to eat something, go for a long walk...and know there is always support here.

And that all think you have been so brave, strong and know how difficult this has been. You will come out ok, just take it steady, small steps.

Packupyourtroubles Thu 12-Dec-13 12:17:07

I just don't have strength to do it
I'm sorry I'm being so weak and stupid

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Thu 12-Dec-13 12:20:53

You are not stupid and weak. You are moving mountains on little sleep and no food. No wonder you are feeling down.

Small steps. Have you stopped to eat, drink and rest?

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Thu 12-Dec-13 12:24:44

What can you do to make the next few days easier?

Would it be possible to take a couple of days off?

You are doing very well.

LoisPuddingLane Thu 12-Dec-13 12:27:30

Also, you don't really have to do anything right now. Just make sure you are safe, warm, and that you've eaten something.

Do not, please, do not decide it was all a bit mistake and get sucked back in to the black hole of being with an abusive tit.

LoisPuddingLane Thu 12-Dec-13 12:27:56

"big" mistake, obviously

cafesociety Thu 12-Dec-13 12:32:26

Pack, you are tired, emotional, and still in shock, your feelings are understandable and normal. Even if you stay in and watch tv today and just use the internet, you are healing from the adrenaline rush of yesterday. You need to recover slowly, be very kind to yourself, get yourself back...gradually. And you will.

You need to nourish yourself, with some food, something warm to drink and someone to talk to. What you have done in offloading this abusive bully has been absolutely, completely the right thing to do, and no one is saying it was easy.

But you have to get some support, please do not hesitate to ask for it. Just make a phone call and reach out. It's what I had to do today - phone someone who I dropped over 2 years ago, stupidly - I had to ask her for help. She was there for me, I didn't expect it or deserve it. I feel better.

Try, if it doesn't bring results, try elsewhere, try somewhere else....never, ever give up. I have to go out now, someone else can give better advice I'm sure. I just know I've had a lot of emotional and verbal abuse/manipulation/control and just had to walk away from it.

Oh Packup - I have just read this entire thread and you are incredible! The Amazing Escaping Woman! I am in awe of your courage.

I have not much to add to the great advise you are getting here, but please know that you WILL survive this.

Stay strong x

Packupyourtroubles Thu 12-Dec-13 12:49:00

I spoke to the dv person she is going to meet me at my flat instead, and take a statement I think
She has warned me that it will be draining but I have kind of stopped panicking, and I'm ready to take this next small step.
Thank you all for your support.
AND.. I had tea and toast smile

LoisPuddingLane Thu 12-Dec-13 12:50:13

Well done. smile Just keep walking forwards, one small step at a time.

cafesociety Thu 12-Dec-13 12:59:07

Pack that is good news, and it will help you to go back to your flat and see that you can get your life back to 'normal' but without the deadweight dragging you down.

Please don't give up knowing you are on the way to a better life. The hardest path is often the best one. You have come through the last 24 hours, [and been amazing], you will get through the next 24, then the next 24......slowly but surely.

Have the times where you feel wobbly, worried...but just know it's part of the process of adjusting to major changes. Any moments you need support, come on MN, phone a helpline, meet up with a friend...

Life is a series of problems we have to solve, with good days, bad days, laughter, tears and things do change, and they do get better. Good luck today.

Packupyourtroubles Thu 12-Dec-13 13:28:46

I saw him on the way back. I have called the police

IrishBloodEnglishHeart Thu 12-Dec-13 13:50:45

Hey Pack. I was working last night and so unable to post on your thread. Well done for getting through the night in the hotel and for texting him that it's over. That was a tough challenge but you met it.

Emotionally you will be up and down like a yo-yo for a while but no matter how weak you feel (you aren't weak btw) you need to stick to your guns and remember that the best option for you is to break free of this abusive and controlling "man".

When you saw him just now, did he see you? Either way you were wise to call the Police. Call whoever you need to help get through this, your safety and happiness are paramount. Good luck with the meeting with the DV officer.

LoisPuddingLane Thu 12-Dec-13 14:20:31

I'm keeping everything crossed for you, Pack, which does make typing quite difficult smile

Packupyourtroubles Thu 12-Dec-13 15:03:22

I have given a statement to the officers
He was waiting near my flat and I walked from my car and saw him he was very aggressive, I don't know if I can go into details I've only just calmed down a little bit
But he stopped when I shouted and someone opened their front door, he ran but I called the police and they want to arrest him
The dv officer came with another policeman and she was very nice but I didn't speak to her about any of the stuff before today apart from the fact that he has Been violent and I have changed the locks she said I can go in and speak to her tomorrow or she will come to me to help me

LoisPuddingLane Thu 12-Dec-13 15:09:46

That's good. I'm really glad they are taking this seriously. Have a long distance hug.

Packupyourtroubles Thu 12-Dec-13 15:10:37

They want me to go to hospital but I really can't face it at all

LoisPuddingLane Thu 12-Dec-13 15:12:05

Are you hurt?

Packupyourtroubles Thu 12-Dec-13 15:20:15

Yeah
I just want to go to bed

Monbrow89 Thu 12-Dec-13 15:24:30

I'm getting angry reading this, how any man can be violent to a woman and look at themselves in the mirror and see themselves as a man is unbelievable. I know people say violence is never the answer but sometimes scumbags like this need to be on the receiving end of situations like this.

livingzuid Thu 12-Dec-13 15:35:20

pack oh you are so good. Remember your health is paramount. Do you not want to go to hospital because you are scared or just want to go to sleep? They will help you and make you feel better. It would be good to know physically you are OK.

Thinking of you. Brilliant that you called the police. Remember the mantra that you deserve better and you will get through this.

SoleSorceress Thu 12-Dec-13 15:37:29

He verbally, emotionally and physically assaulted you?

VeniseAndMe Thu 12-Dec-13 15:42:06

So in effect, he was waiting for you, setting up an ambush with someone else???

Please go to the hospital, at least so that the injuries you gave have been looked at and you have an official record of his physical violence.
Please do tell the DV officer what has been going on before that, the threatening behaviours, the sex issues etc... At the very heady so she can get a real picture of who he is.

(((Hugs))) and lots of courage directed to you.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart Thu 12-Dec-13 15:49:19

Go to bed if that is what you want right now. But keep an eye on how you are feeling, if anything starts to feel worse go to hospital. Personally, I would go and get checked over in A&E.

I hope the police arrest the cowardly bastard. I am so sorry you are going through this. I know you are reluctant to call on your siblings but could you not explain that you gave been attacked, the police are involved and you could with some support tonight? Obviously, if you would rather be alone don't do it, but if you feel you need someone with you tonight then reach out.

God love you Pack, this will pass.

Sweetheart, don't let the bastard grind you down. He is not fit to lick your boots.
Any word from the Police? Hope they lock the fucker up.

Packupyourtroubles Thu 12-Dec-13 16:04:56

He was waiting for me I don't think anyone else was involved to be honest I think he's been hanging around my flat since last night,
I should go to the hospital but I just feel like all my courage is gone.
I can't move I feel frozen and sick

CailinDana Thu 12-Dec-13 16:07:19

What injuries do you have?

43percentburnt Thu 12-Dec-13 16:11:44

I hope you are okay. I agree do pop to a and e get checked out and the attack on record. Do you have someone to go with you? Then snuggle down in your hotel room, plenty of people are on here throughout the evening. Maybe read some of the chat threads to keep your mind elsewhere. You are doing amazingly well, it will get better. You have done the right thing with no contact. I couldn't do that (children) so was regularly subjected to screaming, shouting and attacking. I wish I had known about mumsnet, people walk you through what to do next...

At 23 you have an entire life ahead, I stayed for another 5 years. I left when he tried to strangle me. I have a professional job, am educated etc I now realise my ability to stick at things caused me to stay (thanks MN). I also felt guilty, I was the main earner etc. when we split up and he would say how he hated me, I would say to him surely you are glad we aren't together - he would still go mental. He, like your ex, was an arse. I wish I had known about mn then, I like to think I would have escaped earlier. My life is so very fab now, I like to come home from work, I don't feel on edge at home, I am not concerned about being around someone who doesn't know when to stop drinking. I have a wonderful husband who is calm, caring and thoughtful. I am sooooooo glad I left.

He may continue to be an arse, it is NOT easier to get back with him for a quiet life, ha I did that! This 'episode' will be thrown at you too. Stay strong, you are doing amazingly well.

Packupyourtroubles Thu 12-Dec-13 16:33:07

I'm going to go to the hospital now because I'm in more pain than at first

Packupyourtroubles Thu 12-Dec-13 16:35:55

Sorry I am reading but I can't think properly I don't want to be rude

43percentburnt Thu 12-Dec-13 17:00:39

Yes go to hospital. Hope you are okay.

Packupyourtroubles Thu 12-Dec-13 17:14:23

They have arrested him, they have the clothes I was wearing and they said they want to charge him but I don't know if that's going to happen yet, I haven't gone to the hospital. I am too all over the place atm

SeptemberFlowers Thu 12-Dec-13 17:44:26

If your in pain, please please go to A&E to get checked over. He's been arrested so can't come over or near you x

Please do go x

SapSuma Thu 12-Dec-13 18:18:03

Just want to echo everyone else. A and E is the most important thing right now -pease do go. Get a taxi if you can afford it. Make life as easy as you can right now and splash money if you can afford it with takeaways, taxis, phonecalls to anyone supportive. Please do look after yourself, you are very important -don't forget that. If you can't sort it for yourself, do it for your nephew.

Seminyak Thu 12-Dec-13 18:25:39

Wow just read all your posts pack. You are a year younger than me and 100x stronger. You have so much on your plate. I aspire to your strength! What an amazing woman you are! Please please go to the hospital and look after yourself.

Tuhlulah Thu 12-Dec-13 19:19:55

Hi Packup,

Sorry I've not been around today.

I am so sorry he hurt you. You need to get yourself to the hospital to be seen. They will keep a record of the injuries and this will be useful and necessary because the police will charge him.

Come on lovey, you have come this far and you are doing so well. WE are all telling you this. What you did takes real guts. Better to suffer now and get rid of the little bastard than to suffer him for the rest of your life.

What's happening now is horrible but think of it as a necessary evil. A fence to break through to get free.

I am thinking of you and have been thinking of you all day.

XXXXX

LoisPuddingLane Thu 12-Dec-13 19:36:58

What a nasty little shit he is. Thank god you've broken away from him.

I also think you should go to hospital. Get a taxi there and back. xx

Packupyourtroubles Thu 12-Dec-13 19:41:37

I went to the hospital and am back at my flat. I have a broken rib and a bit of bruising on my face but I am ok. they gave me lots of pain killers but said they can't treat a broken rib.
They were very good and they have given me a print out of their notes so I can give it to the police,
Thank uou all for your support, I am feeling shaky and unwell but I am ok, I am not trying to be rude by not replying to posters individually you are all helping so much, I am just having lots of trouble remembering names and reading too much. I can barely type, I am exhausted! But I am ok and I am safe while he is at the station.

Tuhlulah Thu 12-Dec-13 19:43:49

I am so glad you are not hurt worse.

You did exactly the right thing.

Now, the ONLY thing you need to do is EAT, DRINK and SLEEP. Nothing more my dear.

No one expects personal replies on here but we are all just looking out for you, you little star.

XXX

LoisPuddingLane Thu 12-Dec-13 19:43:52

Fucking hell, the shit broke your rib?

You don't have to answer our questions, just take good care of yourself, make sure everything is securely locked and try to sleep. Keep your phone by the bed.

Tuhlulah Thu 12-Dec-13 19:47:59

And (please don't take this the wrong way as I understand broken ribs are extremely painful) it will add weight to the CPS deciding whether to prosecute the little prick. Bruises, and it might be seen to be a bit of a slap but broken ribs are serious. he's not done himself any favours.

Rest. You will get through this. XX

Packupyourtroubles Thu 12-Dec-13 19:52:57

Honestly this thread is like a lifeline. The nurse said the same thing about it adding weight to the charges. She was very angry.

HazleNutt Thu 12-Dec-13 20:01:00

he broke your rib???

I hope you are not thinking any more that any of this was in any way your fault. What a massive, massive bastard.

Oh Christ, I just got in from work and read what has happened to you today. The utter utter bastard. You poor thing.

Well that's it now though, he will never be allowed within 50 feet of you now that the cops and the court have a record of his arrest for assaulting you.

I really hope that you can take some time off work now and rest and get well. I am thinking of you and sending love and strength. This day was terrible for you, but it's the last day that he will ever hurt you.

HansieMom Thu 12-Dec-13 20:20:01

So glad you went for help. What a waste of space he is.

Packupyourtroubles Thu 12-Dec-13 20:27:02

Thank you all x I'm afraid I've been very weak but I can't change it now

LoisPuddingLane Thu 12-Dec-13 20:29:46

Don't be daft. You've been amazing.

To put it into perspective, my mum was regularly beaten up by my dad over a period of at least ten years. She tried to leave him once when I was eight. She couldn't cope and we ended up going home again. I remember being really sad to go home because we had escaped.

She never did leave him

You did it.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Thu 12-Dec-13 20:30:08

What a horrible man. What a courageous lady you are. I am so glad you called the police.

Rest tonight.

GimmeDaBoobehz Thu 12-Dec-13 20:34:10

This is an abusive relationship.

It's emotionally abusive by the things he says to you and by making you have an abortion or leaving you with no choice but to have one.
It's physical abuse because he has slapped you and hit you and he has thrown things towards you.
It's sexual abuse because he has sex with you without your consent.

This is not a relationship anyone should be in. Get out now.
It doesn't matter what friends or family will think, it has to be about you.

He has cheated on you and used the most popular abusers phrase 'look what you have made me do'.

Please let it stop now and find someone (eventually) who will treat you right and not use and abuse you. He is not right for you and he doesn't deserve you - he doesn't deserve anyone with such disgusting behaviour.

I sincerely hope you can make a plan to have him out of your life. Make some phone calls to some organisations and see what they can do. He obviously knows where you live and you are carer of your nephew, so I understand you can't upsticks but perhaps there is something you can to minimise the damage he can do.

Feel free to PM me at any time but I hate to think of you staying in a relationship with such an abusive cock as this man and he is abusive in every which way; gaslighting is the least of your worries here.

Be strong and please, please listen to what myself and others have said on this thread.

Thinking of you
thanks

IrishBloodEnglishHeart Thu 12-Dec-13 20:38:22

You are not weak. You have done the bravest thing by calling time on him. He is weak, utterly reliant on you, incapable of providing for himself and incapable of having a normal relationship with any other human being. He must be shitting himself at the thought of having to manage without you. Good fucking riddance to him.

I am glad you went to the hospital and that it will strengthen your case. What you have been through today is horrendous but You will come out of this and it will make you stronger.

Packupyourtroubles Thu 12-Dec-13 20:41:54

I can't do anymore I want to give up and I hate that I'm being like this

livingzuid Thu 12-Dec-13 20:46:32

I'm so pleased you got checked out at the hospital. You are the opposite of weak. You have been so brave today.

Curl up on the sofa with a hot water bottle and nice mug of cocoa and some crap TV. Look after yourself, take a few days off. Keeping up good physical health is so important right now to see you through.

Talk to us on mn we don't expect you to reply personally.

He can't ever hurt you again. Let the people who can help you do so - police, DV worker, gp, etc. It is what they are there to do. You have spent so long looking after everyone else it is now time for you to be looked after.

Sleep well.

CookieLady Thu 12-Dec-13 20:47:59

No, no. Don't give up. You've done soo much in such a short space of time. We're all here rooting for you. You've been incredibly brave and strong. Please don't give up. [sending you an unmumsnetty hug]

livingzuid Thu 12-Dec-13 20:51:18

You need do nothing else today but rest. There is nothing you have to do but little enjoyable things like having a nice cup of tea. Is there anyone you can call? Remember if you need to talk to someone call the Samaritans.

You have had such a rough few days it is no wonder you feel the way you do. Your body is healing and your mind is in shock. Allow yourself time. Don't push yourself to do anything but recover.

Remember you have done nothing wrong. You did and are doing the right thing.

LoisPuddingLane Thu 12-Dec-13 20:52:29

When you say "give up", do you mean go back to him? No, please don't. What he has done to you tonight will be the tip of the iceberg if you do. You've shown some spirit and tried to get rid of him, and he would up the level of control, and the level of violence, to get you right back where he wants you.

On average, two women in the UK each week are killed by their current or former partner. Do not put yourself where he can hurt you.

Monbrow89 Thu 12-Dec-13 21:00:01

I'm not condoning violence here but he really does need a good beating.

Monbrow89 Thu 12-Dec-13 21:01:32

Has he psychically attacked you like this before? Has no one in your family or close friends tries defending you?!

IrishBloodEnglishHeart Thu 12-Dec-13 21:06:33

You don't have to do any more tonight. Try to just rest now. Try not to worry about what might happen tomorrow or over the next few days. Letting your mind race ahead will stress you out and won't help you deal with what might happen any better.

Have you eaten? Do try to eat something even if it is small, food and sleep will be important in helping you cope with whatever does happen in the days to come. Can you try and wind down now for bed, maybe have a warm milky drink. Did the hospital give you anything for the pain?

You might also want to consider going to see your GP at some point soon. They will be able to offer solutions to support you through this. That might include signing you off work, you might find that you don't have the headspace for work whilst you are in the process of extricating yourself from this toxic twat. The GP can also help you to manage your anxiety with meds or counselling. There is lots of help available to you when you feel ready to access it. For now though get some rest.

LoisPuddingLane Thu 12-Dec-13 21:08:24

I do think a week or two signed off with stress would be good. How can you do your job in this state?

eddielizzard Thu 12-Dec-13 21:09:35

you have done the worst bit. you are amazing and strong and you will pull through. phone your sister if you can, and tell her you need her now.

LoisPuddingLane Thu 12-Dec-13 21:14:34

I agree, phone your sister.

Tuhlulah Thu 12-Dec-13 21:15:59

Packup, you are exhausted and shocked. How you are feeling is totally normal and understandable under your circumstances.

You don't want to give up. But you need some sleep. You must rest your body and switch off your brain. All of you needs a break.

Let tomorrow take care of itself, just rest tonight. XX

IrishBloodEnglishHeart Thu 12-Dec-13 21:17:29

Also, as other posters have said, don't worry about responding to posts on this thread. Just keep reading and know that mumsnetters are rooting for you.

Packupyourtroubles Thu 12-Dec-13 21:23:21

I haven't got anyone I can call, I asked my sister to call me, told her briefly what was going on and she said 'sorry, I can't call, I am busy' and I haven't heard from her.
I want to hurt myself again and I'm hating myself for feeling like this.
I don't mean I want to go back to him, he wouldn't have me now anyway. I Jst want to give up and ignore everything, I hate myself for thinking like this and being pathetic.
He has only physically hurt me 3 times before, shaking me and slapping me. No one really knows what goes on in our relationship, I haven't had anyone around to tell it to,
I have taken the painkillers, the hospital gave me codeine and diclofenac I think it is called.
I can't eat I think. The director called me today and said that he has got cover for me for the next week.
I'm really sorry that I'm being like this x

ModernToss Thu 12-Dec-13 21:28:37

Sleep. Eat. Read the thread. Keep posting. You can do this, you've already done the hardest part!

You have tens and tens of people rooting for you, ready to listen and offer support.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart Thu 12-Dec-13 21:30:55

Your director sounds like a star. Your sister not so much. Take the week off your boss has offered and more if you need it. You sound like an excellent employee so they will want to support you.

If I remember rightly codeine will help with the pain and will also make you feel relaxed and muzzy, take the edges off a bit. It might help you towards sleep. Take it as directed obviously.

Diclofenac is also excellent. I remember it brought me huge relief after a laparoscopy. Again take it as they have directed you.

Tobermory Thu 12-Dec-13 21:34:46

Pack up, just read your thread.... What an amazing, amazing woman you are.

This is the lowest point. You are in shock, in pain, you are tired and overwrought. This is the worst point. If you can try to rest, take a sleeping pill, eat a little and sleep, sleep and sleep, you WILL get through this night.

Tomorrow is the first day of your new life without fear. You don't have to worry about work.

You are so brave, don't give up now. X

LoisPuddingLane Thu 12-Dec-13 21:36:07

You don't have to apologise. If you knew just how many people were cheering you on here. You are doing fine. You've had a very stressful 24 hours. Nobody expects you to feel on top of things.

When I feel that I hate myself, I try to think how I would care for me at five years old, if that makes sense. I try to envisage that little child and how much she needs love and kindness. It's all the same person - be kind to yourself as you would to a little child.

Packupyourtroubles Thu 12-Dec-13 21:36:50

My head is just saying no more, I feel I need the control the relationship gave me in order to function but I know that's not right, but I can't see what is.

Tobermory Thu 12-Dec-13 21:37:04

He's an utter bastard for the damage he's caused, the physical damage of course but also how he's made you feel.

Could you contact your brother-tell him what's going on?

IrishBloodEnglishHeart Thu 12-Dec-13 21:37:57

Try to fight the urge to hurt yourself. If you have had support before from the Crisis Team or the Home Care Team you might want to contact them again direct or via your GP.

LoisPuddingLane Thu 12-Dec-13 21:39:52

It's not surprising you miss the feeling of being controlled - that's been your reality for so long you don't know how to be you without it. You'll find out, but it will take time.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart Thu 12-Dec-13 21:41:49

You won't be able to see anything clearly right now. Everything is up in the air. You will need time and space to let things settle and before you can rebuild your life with healthier control systems to support you. You need to go through this awful period of flux before things get better. They will get better, do look at counselling or therapy to help with this.

Packupyourtroubles Thu 12-Dec-13 21:43:10

My brother is not around and I don't have a number for him
I'm sorry I'm all over the place I can't think properly

LoisPuddingLane Thu 12-Dec-13 21:44:17

Don't worry. The important thing is to look after yourself.

eddielizzard Thu 12-Dec-13 21:50:23

ok don't worry about contacting your family. in time but not worth stressing about.

keep posting here.

Tobermory Thu 12-Dec-13 21:51:25

I'm not surprised you can't think straight. Look at what you've been through in the last 24 hours, what you've achieved.

Why don't you start yourself a sparkly list?
A list go things you want to do? Or things you like? Places you'd like to visit? Films you want to watch? Things you'd like to eat or buy?

A way of forcing yourself to think about things that are less stressful.... Nicer.

alphabook Thu 12-Dec-13 21:51:39

De-lurking just to say that you are incredible. You may feel like you are weak but you are braver and stronger than you know. Some women never manage to get away. You have achieved so much already and although it may be a long road ahead you're on the right track. You are young and you have all the time in the world to rebuild your life. You have already demonstrated what a strong, capable woman you are and I know that one day you will look back and barely remember the girl who was controlled and abused by that bastard.

Monbrow89 Thu 12-Dec-13 21:54:28

Your not being stupid or weak at all your being brave and you have a lot of people on here for support. Do you have any close work colleagues you could speak to?

Jux Thu 12-Dec-13 21:55:06

Oh Pack, you poor thing. What a weasel he is. i am so so sorry you are hurt. Unfortunately they can't do much about ribs, just medicate for the pain. Bastard bastard bastard.

Don't worry about replying individually to people, remembering names etc., we don't need that.

I hope you're asleep now and comfortable.

I wondered if you're not comfortable calling your sister, how would you feel about calling your dn's mum? I got the impression you were pretty close to her?

Thank goodness you'd already been talking to the dv officer, so the police were all primed to get to you.

You will feel like shit for a few days, but you will start to feel better. Please do talk to the dv officer as soon as you can - tomorrow if you can, but if not don't put it off too long.

So glad he's been arrested, the cowardly little shit.

You're not weak. You've been hurt, have a broken bone, in pain, exhausted, in shock. It's amazing you were able to post at all!

Packupyourtroubles Thu 12-Dec-13 21:55:56

I will try the list I need to pull myself together and stop being silly. Thank you all for your support.
I feel like I need my mum

Packupyourtroubles Thu 12-Dec-13 21:57:32

Sorry I didn't make it clear my dn's mum is one of my sisters, I have been messaging one of them, but me and dn's mum aren't close really x